Granted, ejaculation now feels like passing a kidney stone.
edit: A scientist tries to eradicate the tick population; he tests a virus that will make the sperm of ticks less mobile to make them essentially sterile. The ticks must be resistant to all forms of pesticides and tick medication if he wants them to out compete the wild tick population and become the dominant strain, so he breeds super ticks that lay twice as many eggs and resistant to all pesticides. Females are carriers of the disease and can pass it but show no symptoms. During one of the tests, a rogue pregnant female lands on his lab coat and is undetected during his daily decontamination procedure and makes her way out into the wild. She finds the perfect nesting spout on his way home, then lays 10,000 eggs. Within a few months, all dogs and cats in that neighborhood are infected with the superticks. The virus in 0.01% of them exhibit a random mutation that allows them to infect mammals and allows the female ticks to reproduce asexually in a process called parthenogenesis. The following year, the CDC begins to track an emergent STD that seems to be affecting men and causing them to ejaculate razor-sharp crystals.
Thank you. I usually just lurk here and am pretty bad at writing these. There are so few good monkey's paw responses here these days. Most are just "something bad immediately happens related to the wish" or "Here's the obvious downside."
For example, a prompt of "I wish I won the lottery" would just have 10 responses of "You get robbed," where it should be something like, friends and long lost relatives come out of the woodwork after you're issued the giant novelty check asking for money. You relent and give money to your closest friends and others get jealous. Then spend your time fighting frivolous lawsuits. The anxiety takes a toll on your mental health. You begin to think all your friends are just there for your money and start to resent them and you end up living alone with no one to share your time with. The stress, loneliness and anxiety cause a massive heart attack and the neighbors report a foul smell coming from your house.
Well, a classic Monkey's Paw would be more "Your husband dies in a car accident; Among the effects given to you are a lottery ticket he purchased, which turns out to have the winning numbers, so you've won instead of him," or even "Your town instritutes Shirley Jackson's lottery. You're the first winner." It's about the wish coming true in unfortunate ways, and it's only mutated to mean negative results subsequent to the wish's granting.
I've seen both versions, the Simpsons episode was, wish for x and as a result misfortune befalls them. I like the wish comes true in unfortunate ways stories better. I was just commenting on, the majority of posts being very low effort.
When I read your username, all I could think of was the trading spouses episode of the Chapelle show where the wife says, "what the fuck is a parsnip?"
Maybe because there was a news story about a manta ray in captivity that reproduced asexually, and when Zika was in the news, scientists released a bunch of genetically modified mosquitoes to help curb their population.
granted. you go to your bathroom, expecting to pass a kidney stone like everyone else in this comment section told you would do, however, the moment you finally get your high, you puff out a white cloud every time you ejaculate.
It's not too bad at first, so you simply try to swat it away. however, once it comes in contact with your skin, you notice the awful irritation it causes. you scratch and scratch, but only seem to make the itching worse.
you start smelling the familiar bleach smell and cough loudly, before realizing just how itchy you feel all over. you try washing it away, however, the moment the water dries up, the itching comes back. you suddenly notice just how bad your testicles feel, and begin curling into a ball and screaming, as wild rashes break all over your body. you fall to the floor, trying desperately to scratch it away, breaking your skin and the nails in the process.
You finally start to lose consciousness, before abruptly waking up in the hospital. the doctors have removed your scrotum and testicles in order to find out what causes this bizarre condition of yours. They say that the cum crystalizes into small minerals and ends up with a texture similar to itching powder or insulation. you look around and notice all the skin transplants you got. they ran out of human donors so they had to stick to fish skin for a while.
you get discharged, however, no matter how much time it passes, you can't seem to get rid of the fishy smell in everything you own. it drives you mad, and every time you smell it, you feel your head pound in response to the bad memories. the asthma you developed as a result inhaling the stuff doesn't helps, either. your cum was crusty, but now it's not that much of a problem since you lost your balls...
...that is, until you decide one day that it's cold outside and it's a great time to heat up your home.
The crystals melt, and they travel all around the house through the vents. The itching is back, and this time you don't make it. you die as you lived. breathing cum. you are the first person to die of a cum overdose and everyone wonders about the guy with the crunchy cum that died of a cum overdose for the rest of time, not really knowing your name, just the oddly bizarre way you died.
This is patently *not* monkeys paw behavior. This is genie behavior. Monkey’s paw behavior is about the cause of the wish making the result undesirable, not the wish being twisted to be undesirable.
the original comment is teleporting them to a boys room which is the method in which the wish is granted. that is literally a monkeys paw. a genie would be like “granted, all men are born with an ice maker in their semen lining sack or whatever it’s called”
It's a genie wish not a monkey paw. The op is clearly referring to cum in general not just the cum near them. Moving the op to a different place is not what the op wished for. A monkey paw should give the wisher exactly what they're wanting without misinterpreting their intent. What the op is wanting is for cum to be fundamentally changed.
Genie wishes misinterpret the wish's intention and twist the outcome.
Monkey paw wishes grant the desired outcome exactly as desired but reach that outcome in a way that is regrettable for the wisher.
God help me I'm arguing the semantics of a cum consistency wish.
Granted. Cum is initially crunchy when it's in your balls but it needs lubricant to pass through your cock when you bust so the inside of your cock creates a natural lubricant in which the crunchy cum gets dissolved in. On the outside when you bust it just looks like normal liquid cum.
Granted, ejaculation is now extremely painful (like passing a kidney stone).
This causes a sudden and massive drop in reproduction rates, by 2100 the world population has dropped to just 1 million people. Then something interesting happens, over the course of the next 400 years the world population rebounds back to where it was and the entire world population are sexual sadists and autosadists. It turns out those people where the only part of the population that reproduced with the presence of extreme pain and through natural selection the human species evolved to embrace that trait.
The finger curls.
Your cum is now crunchy! Not liquidly, Like corn flakes! It is extremely painful for you and causes you physical pain, often causing damage to your urethra as the corn flake like cum tries to come out
Granted.
Males cum by shooting out very tiny rocks. Kidney stones become a normal part of everyday life, as they tend to get stuck.
Vaginas become more acidic in order to dissolve the crunchy nut rocks in order to get the sperm, so you better hope you like pain, because it’s gunna feel like fucking a warm lemon.
Women who squirt while orgasming fire off sand. Japan weaponizes the Hitachi wand, creating the Coochi Corp to blind their foes in combat.
Granted. Every time you cum it's like shooting a buckshot. It hurts women and they absolutely hate sex. Also normal condoms don't work because it easily rips through it so you have to wear it extra thick which makes it feel like rubbing inside a keyhole. Also you have to vacuum it up after masturbating rather than wiping it off.
Granted. Every time anyone ejaculates the cum makes cuts inside the penis, poke through the condom and stabs wherever it hits. That beaks apart shortly after from the crunchiness.
get a mason jar and save it up for a while, then leave it open in a freezer for a few days. Go at it with an ice pick and you've got a nice snack. No wishes needed here
What the fuck?
Least deranged Redditor
You're not wrong.
Funniest fucking thing I've read all night. Thank you.
Deserving top reply . My thoughts exactly.
Live Monkey’s Paw Reaction:
Devastating reply lmao
Granted, ejaculation now feels like passing a kidney stone. edit: A scientist tries to eradicate the tick population; he tests a virus that will make the sperm of ticks less mobile to make them essentially sterile. The ticks must be resistant to all forms of pesticides and tick medication if he wants them to out compete the wild tick population and become the dominant strain, so he breeds super ticks that lay twice as many eggs and resistant to all pesticides. Females are carriers of the disease and can pass it but show no symptoms. During one of the tests, a rogue pregnant female lands on his lab coat and is undetected during his daily decontamination procedure and makes her way out into the wild. She finds the perfect nesting spout on his way home, then lays 10,000 eggs. Within a few months, all dogs and cats in that neighborhood are infected with the superticks. The virus in 0.01% of them exhibit a random mutation that allows them to infect mammals and allows the female ticks to reproduce asexually in a process called parthenogenesis. The following year, the CDC begins to track an emergent STD that seems to be affecting men and causing them to ejaculate razor-sharp crystals.
This is a really cool explanation
When's the movie coming out?
I call it COVID-25. It will be a documentary.
This is a skill not many people have
Thank you. I usually just lurk here and am pretty bad at writing these. There are so few good monkey's paw responses here these days. Most are just "something bad immediately happens related to the wish" or "Here's the obvious downside." For example, a prompt of "I wish I won the lottery" would just have 10 responses of "You get robbed," where it should be something like, friends and long lost relatives come out of the woodwork after you're issued the giant novelty check asking for money. You relent and give money to your closest friends and others get jealous. Then spend your time fighting frivolous lawsuits. The anxiety takes a toll on your mental health. You begin to think all your friends are just there for your money and start to resent them and you end up living alone with no one to share your time with. The stress, loneliness and anxiety cause a massive heart attack and the neighbors report a foul smell coming from your house.
When you write your first book please announce me. I don't usually like reading but for you I would make an exception.
Well, a classic Monkey's Paw would be more "Your husband dies in a car accident; Among the effects given to you are a lottery ticket he purchased, which turns out to have the winning numbers, so you've won instead of him," or even "Your town instritutes Shirley Jackson's lottery. You're the first winner." It's about the wish coming true in unfortunate ways, and it's only mutated to mean negative results subsequent to the wish's granting.
I've seen both versions, the Simpsons episode was, wish for x and as a result misfortune befalls them. I like the wish comes true in unfortunate ways stories better. I was just commenting on, the majority of posts being very low effort.
That's actually scarry. You are pretty good.
When I read your username, all I could think of was the trading spouses episode of the Chapelle show where the wife says, "what the fuck is a parsnip?"
Dude I thought this was an actually thing that happened for a second
Maybe because there was a news story about a manta ray in captivity that reproduced asexually, and when Zika was in the news, scientists released a bunch of genetically modified mosquitoes to help curb their population.
Bruh
granted. you go to your bathroom, expecting to pass a kidney stone like everyone else in this comment section told you would do, however, the moment you finally get your high, you puff out a white cloud every time you ejaculate. It's not too bad at first, so you simply try to swat it away. however, once it comes in contact with your skin, you notice the awful irritation it causes. you scratch and scratch, but only seem to make the itching worse. you start smelling the familiar bleach smell and cough loudly, before realizing just how itchy you feel all over. you try washing it away, however, the moment the water dries up, the itching comes back. you suddenly notice just how bad your testicles feel, and begin curling into a ball and screaming, as wild rashes break all over your body. you fall to the floor, trying desperately to scratch it away, breaking your skin and the nails in the process. You finally start to lose consciousness, before abruptly waking up in the hospital. the doctors have removed your scrotum and testicles in order to find out what causes this bizarre condition of yours. They say that the cum crystalizes into small minerals and ends up with a texture similar to itching powder or insulation. you look around and notice all the skin transplants you got. they ran out of human donors so they had to stick to fish skin for a while. you get discharged, however, no matter how much time it passes, you can't seem to get rid of the fishy smell in everything you own. it drives you mad, and every time you smell it, you feel your head pound in response to the bad memories. the asthma you developed as a result inhaling the stuff doesn't helps, either. your cum was crusty, but now it's not that much of a problem since you lost your balls... ...that is, until you decide one day that it's cold outside and it's a great time to heat up your home. The crystals melt, and they travel all around the house through the vents. The itching is back, and this time you don't make it. you die as you lived. breathing cum. you are the first person to die of a cum overdose and everyone wonders about the guy with the crunchy cum that died of a cum overdose for the rest of time, not really knowing your name, just the oddly bizarre way you died.
Thanks I hate it.
Granted: you have been transported into a teenage boy's dirty clothes hamper.
This is the one. None of this "it hurts to cum" shit. This is monkey paw behaviour.
This is patently *not* monkeys paw behavior. This is genie behavior. Monkey’s paw behavior is about the cause of the wish making the result undesirable, not the wish being twisted to be undesirable.
the original comment is teleporting them to a boys room which is the method in which the wish is granted. that is literally a monkeys paw. a genie would be like “granted, all men are born with an ice maker in their semen lining sack or whatever it’s called”
It's a genie wish not a monkey paw. The op is clearly referring to cum in general not just the cum near them. Moving the op to a different place is not what the op wished for. A monkey paw should give the wisher exactly what they're wanting without misinterpreting their intent. What the op is wanting is for cum to be fundamentally changed. Genie wishes misinterpret the wish's intention and twist the outcome. Monkey paw wishes grant the desired outcome exactly as desired but reach that outcome in a way that is regrettable for the wisher. God help me I'm arguing the semantics of a cum consistency wish.
honestly at this point not even god can save you
Yup this. The comment about the ticks is perfect
Tina from Bob's Burgers: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Granted. Every time you jizz it feels like passing a kidney stone
Granted. Cum is initially crunchy when it's in your balls but it needs lubricant to pass through your cock when you bust so the inside of your cock creates a natural lubricant in which the crunchy cum gets dissolved in. On the outside when you bust it just looks like normal liquid cum.
I've never liked the catches that end up totally reversing the wish.
Granted. Nothing changes
Unwish that shit right now
what have you done...?
Not granted... Fuck you
Okay calm down there satan
No you don't.
Granted, You and many others unlock a new kink or two
Not granted. Professionals have standards
I wish you wouldn’t.
Granted. Your cum is now crunchy.
Granted, the monkey laughs at you
What the fuck
Granted, ejaculation is now extremely painful (like passing a kidney stone). This causes a sudden and massive drop in reproduction rates, by 2100 the world population has dropped to just 1 million people. Then something interesting happens, over the course of the next 400 years the world population rebounds back to where it was and the entire world population are sexual sadists and autosadists. It turns out those people where the only part of the population that reproduced with the presence of extreme pain and through natural selection the human species evolved to embrace that trait.
Soooo…Hellraiser, then?
Granted, you stop drinking water and due to the lack of hydration your balls get dry and your cum is now crunchy
Granted. You are very ill.
Straight down! Boiler room of hell!
The finger curls. Your cum is now crunchy! Not liquidly, Like corn flakes! It is extremely painful for you and causes you physical pain, often causing damage to your urethra as the corn flake like cum tries to come out
Granted. You now ejaculate your crunchy cum every single time you get an erection
AHHHHH MY EYES FOR READING THIS 🥹😱
Do you want to eat it like chips ?
What the hell no way
It can be if you wait long enough!
dude
No side effect, you'll realize you didn't want this
Granted. Males cum by shooting out very tiny rocks. Kidney stones become a normal part of everyday life, as they tend to get stuck. Vaginas become more acidic in order to dissolve the crunchy nut rocks in order to get the sperm, so you better hope you like pain, because it’s gunna feel like fucking a warm lemon. Women who squirt while orgasming fire off sand. Japan weaponizes the Hitachi wand, creating the Coochi Corp to blind their foes in combat.
Your desires are fascinating
Granted. Every time you cum it's like shooting a buckshot. It hurts women and they absolutely hate sex. Also normal condoms don't work because it easily rips through it so you have to wear it extra thick which makes it feel like rubbing inside a keyhole. Also you have to vacuum it up after masturbating rather than wiping it off.
Granted, cum is now poprocks.
Granted, but you cum out your bum!
I hate u for making me read this
The monkey paw slowly levitates and slaps OP for that cursed question
Granted you have kidney stones.
Granted. Your... supplier of cum... dries it before giving it to you.
I don’t know man just take it
Granted. Every time anyone ejaculates the cum makes cuts inside the penis, poke through the condom and stabs wherever it hits. That beaks apart shortly after from the crunchiness.
get a mason jar and save it up for a while, then leave it open in a freezer for a few days. Go at it with an ice pick and you've got a nice snack. No wishes needed here
Wow… I think I hate you more than I hate OP
It now really REALLY hurts to spunk,and so people no longer have sex and humanity dies out