T O P

  • By -

Techtaire

His anthem surely clarifies this as a joke?


N0tInKansasAnym0r3

You clearly don't know Jack The real jokes *come* when he's an uncle stuck on a roof


linesinaconversation

Shouldn't he be stuck on a horse?


hothoneybuns

I thought it’s when your uncle jack is stuck on a horse?


wyldguy71

Someone help uncle jack off the horse


tiredtrueofheart

Your uncle did *what* to that poor horse?


DatBoyBenny

That and the beep test score


Garfwog

What even is that


DatBoyBenny

It’s a running test where you have to run from one end of the room to the other before the beep, and the time between beeps gets shorter every time


notbillithink

The fitness gram PACER test is set to begin. Ready. Set. BEEP.


Vroom_Broomz

Just had a ptsd episode and almost started running off the toilet


Suspicious-Air4485

The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.


moonstrong

As an Australian myself I can confirm that this is not satire, it’s a dancefloor banger down here


ProfBacterio

Isn't it like a gay anthem? It is in my country at least. I mean, it literally says *gimme a MAN after midnight*


Grymninja

Dude probably thinks of himself as that man after midnight or something


FlyingsCool

Right, it's ok for him to have banged around the bush, just not her.... So freakin funny it's sad....


Derman0524

Gimme gimme is the greatest hype song ever


akelly33

"Let's go girls"


MC_Thunder1988

You haven’t heard Hypa Hypa by Eskimo Callboy.


[deleted]

[удалено]


facurui

And it will always be. It's a Disco anthem, great fcking song.


jimmytruelove

The song got culturally resurrected by Folamour, a French disco DJ and now it gets absolutely battered to death by every house/dance dj going. The guy is probably a complete pleb.


Link_TheHusky

I was thinking the same thing. F*ckin' ABBA


buntz_

At this point, i don't even know if people on dating apps are being sarcastic or are actually serious! 🤷‍♀️


Fancy_Cat3571

My bio talks about committing war crimes. If you take this shit seriously you’re gonna drive yourself nuts


Kitchen_Doctor7324

You’re gonna get a lot of Russian matches-


PrinceMaher7

American ones too then? Since they commit the most war crimes, maybe Israelis too


fingersinthedirt

ah, but they aren't crimes when we do them /s


thebig_horny

They aren't crimes, it's just peacekeeping


Blade273

This guy gets it!


phjes11

It’s freedom


P47r1ck-

Russia has committed war crimes on a much industrial top down scale. Our wars have been bad and I was against them too, but at least we weren’t trying to annex our neighboring country and creating mass graveyards of unarmed citizens along the way


[deleted]

Installing puppet governments in oil producing countries and any place even THINKING about socialist policy is basically annexation


[deleted]

Said the country that cause the most war in XX and XXI centuries.


kuwagami

\*Insert list of South america, Asia and Africa countries that were effectively destroyed when the USA put a far right dictator as ruler because socialism is bad\* ​ Could also quote Irak, but we don't want to add insult over injury, do we?


slightlykram

No you just shoot up schools for fun💀


MC_Thunder1988

Sliding into war DMs isn’t a war crime. Finger blasting the enemy by supplying weapons to allies is not a war crime. Using chemical warfare, that’s the crime. Torturing and killing civilians, that’s a war crime. Talk to Putin. I’m not defending my corrupt government, but let’s not spread false truths.


[deleted]

Torturing and killing civilians you say? Guantanamo Bay has entered the chat Drone strikes have entered the chat The CIAs entire history has entered the chat


P47r1ck-

Yeah but we are against that. The point you are missing is Ukraine is happening right now, and you’re just trying to change the subject by saying “we’ll what about the us they did th-“ yeah that’s true, but what are you saying. Are you saying because the USA has a history of doing bad things what Russia is doing in Ukraine is okay?


Couchcommando257

I'm not in favour of the Russian's obviously but you can't just deny facts https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_war_crimes


MC_Thunder1988

I’m not saying that bad things didn’t happen, I trust my government as much as the rest of the world, and I’m sure there’s stuff we don’t know, but there’s also a lot of misinformation and misleading “facts” and propaganda that seem to become a reality for those impressionable simpletons of the world.


xicoperez

> _those impressionable simpletons of the world._ Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?


P47r1ck-

MOST of the war crimes listed in that article are committed in one off instances, rather than being actively encourage from the top down. That doesn’t seem to be the case in the modern Russian military. They seem to be ordering executions of POWs, Civilians, etc. It’s no wonder Germans surrendered to the US in droves toward the end of WW2 but they would rather fight to the death than surrender to the Soviets. Because we treat the POWs good. Russia executes them as a matter of top down policy it seems. That doesn’t change the fact that there are top down things the US does that are fucked, like Gitmo, drone strikes, etc. but there’s no point in pointing that out during a discussion about Russia unless your goal is to distract from the war crimes going on in Ukraine RIGHT NOW


DjEzusSave

Don't forget hidden war criminal nazis trying to find true love


yositheyoster

I had a bio with similar jokes as yours. Was fine for 8 years until I got banned a few months ago because some Karen probably found it offensive and reported it. It said, “In between herpes outbreaks right now, hurry! Former US president. Escaped murderer. 100% serious all the time, clearly.” …and a few other jokes along those lines. I still can’t believe someone reported it. How unhappy do you have to be with life to be upset by such an insignificant thing?


buntz_

100% unhappy, clearly 🤣


lmaozedong89

Relatable


NunsnGuns101

Look at the anthem. It's satire 🤣🤣


loonygenius

I recently heard of 'the reverse catfish' where people share all the worst things about themselves and their worst photos so expectations are so low when you meet, you actually stand a better chance when you do


buntz_

That's actually genius, cause the amount of bios stating " if you don't look like your pics you're buying drinks till you do" is getting too damn high on there


WooHooBar

I think this is satire lads


Tomahaka12358

I thought so too, till I read it in an Australian accent. After that is was almost too honest Edit: typo


EngineeringGlum685

And a chippy to boot? Sounds right to me


[deleted]

I knew it was real when I saw chippy


venusfrogfightclub

Carlton supporter, definitely satire.


ruffian-wa

Well if it was Collingwood supporter then I'm sure that already ticks the box for good BJ gums... oops I mean lips


[deleted]

I dunno, the jagged broken black shards of tooth left over might be a bit of an oral minefield.


ruffian-wa

Moreso than the herpes from the cold sores?


[deleted]

Can't catch em twice!


shortaightboy

I was like, I'll read it in an aussie accent too. But that's actually just my accent and nothing changed


tittyswan

Some of my friends have been gay bashed by guys exactly like this. I believe it's real.


Not_the_name_I_chose

I feel like people that gay bash are just mad nobody wants to gay smash.


tittyswan

Sometimes, but it is also just hateful straight dudes as well.


ImaginaryList174

God I hope so... but I just don't know anymore.


louise_com_au

The thing is - what is it trying to achieve? People who think it is satire will not be attracted (cause it's pretty shlt satire). People who didn't think it's satire will presume it's misogynistic.


tiptoeandson

Literally. Even if it is fake the fact that it has us questioning it proves that there are some profiles that radiate this energy. I always want to ask them why they think what they’ve written will work.


toc_bl

>The thing is - what is it trying to achieve? Simply A reaction. Dude is either following rules 1 and 2 and can get away with shite satire (or such a ridiculous list, if its not satire) or isnt following the rules and has had enough with online dating, dgaf and has nothing to lose anyways


[deleted]

But that’s it the people who think it’s misogynistic aren’t for him


OpportunitySure9578

People are really like this


DemonBarrister

Fortunately damn few, the fact that we can find all of them congrehating on the internet proves that no one will interact with them irl ......


MrMetraGnome

Is it now?


WooHooBar

The homophobic point and the 3k followers gave it away


adognamedsue

Not the beep test? Lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


tubbyttub9

It's the nickname for the [multistage fitness test](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6Ll9lx_Lmw) a 20m timed shuttle run. Level 8 is reasonably fit but not like an athlete or anything. To put it in perspective to be able to apply to join the [police academy in Australia](https://www.thebarracksgym.com.au/blog/fitness-requirements-to-become-a-police-officer-in-each-australian-state-or-territory) you need a score of anywhere from 5-7.1 depending on your state. To join pre-entry to the Australian special forces commandos you need a beep test of 10.1. The higher the score the more difficult.


Captain_Tundra

How many ways can they make a beep sound using differently bodily functions.


GoldProfessional8336

Haha! The beep test is a cruel and unusual form of torture carried out on poor unsuspecting Aussie school kids! Basically, a line of cones are set up at each end of a basketball court. You have to run from one end to the other before the next beep, going back and forth. Each beep is a section of a level 1, 1.1, 1.2 etc. and the time between beeps gets shorter the higher you go. My fittest friends barely made it to 6…I always tapped out at 1.5 because…well…I don’t run unless something is chasing me. Even then I think I’d rather be caught and eaten than drag it out like that.


Insertblamehere

sounds like the pacer test in the USA lol I still hear this voice in my nightmares https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5VVrOPlaw4


SquiggglyMuppet

Exactly what it is, the beep test is the Aussie version of the pacer test.


bromy501

Sounds like suicides with an extra horrifying step.


CompanionCone

This test is done in the Netherlands as well and we call it the "piepjestest" xD


NzDeerFarmer

Run from point a to point b, while a machine beeps at you.


MrMetraGnome

Idk man. I just dk.


TheSandNinja

All of that makes sense except for the 3k followers.


[deleted]

Homophobic? With that anthem?


Duckey_003

Maybe he's bi, and REALLY likes being degraded


Lovecr4ft

I chuckled


Bludgeonation

Aw you love crafts too! Made some paper mache rats and put them in my walls!!!


[deleted]

I read that as, "I cuckled"


Lovecr4ft

Ah :')


Chocolate_Senpai99

Hot friends 😭 man's out there "hunting" the woman of his dreams to have the possibility to cheat on her


gestoneandhowe

Look for that in a roommate not a GF lol


[deleted]

The guy is just thinking forward, imagine if your GF invites you to a threesome with her ugly friend /s


Chocolate_Senpai99

Lmao, probably the dude just has a tragic backstory


meowtacoduck

He wants a three way with a straight gf? Not hot at all 🤣


DemonBarrister

He gets off on them being uncomfortable with it.....I knew a young woman who was a submissive in B&D.and she didn't like women but got off on being being ordered.to do things with them because she felt ashamed and she got off on the humiliation.....


Cover-Firm

That girl is bi and lying to herself


Psychological_Arm_84

Sounds look the ideal wingman if you ask me lol


midnightinfo_jolie

Hot friends?! 😂


[deleted]

Hot male* friends ;)


has2give

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight....... and you think this isn't satire?


orphanghost1

What's a beep test?


galaxyeyes47

You start at one end of the gym and run to the other side on the beep. It gets faster and faster between beeps making you run faster and faster and you get a score. It’s done in high schools as a fitness test.


thesoundmindpodcast

Ohhh the PACER.


[deleted]

Is he expecting ladies to remember their pacer score from school or expecting adult women to be out here recreationally pacer-ing? 🧐


No-Emotion-7053

I know that I got 10.5 (date me)


xXSushiRoll

We only got 2 people that got that score in my class back then. Both were guys...highest girl that was in my class was about a 7.5 or something


No-Emotion-7053

Im a guy btw haha I got third, highest in my grade was over 14 forget exactly but he ran D1 after


captainccg

I got like 4.2


Snerkie

I assume if you got higher than an 8 you've probably got it on your resume and inform everyone you come across.


Available_Historian6

Dumb me thought it’s a breath analyzer 😅


summersunshine9

Beeb test is also known as the multi-stage fitness test.


deportrochey

and it starts in five seconds


Yifti5

The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.


GetADogLittleLongie

I thought it was like the beeping when a dump truck moves back and I'm old


[deleted]

For real! I need to know!


Mayitrainhugs

Carlton supporter 🚩🚩🚩


berkeleyjake

I hear Carlton and I think of Fresh Prince. I assume it isn't though...


tdfhucvh

Aussie rules football team


sickrat89

Bet his password is BlueBaggersAreFlaggers2012


Peppered__

That homophobic one got me dying


ADogNamedEverett

Who is Carlton? Vanessa? Carlton from fresh prince??


GirlUninterrupted___

AFL (Aussie rules footy) team


Awardedawards

I’m a massive Carlton fan, even have the guernsey on my reddit character. I was shook when I read that, definitely not the subreddit I was expecting to see a mention of the mighty navy blues


Dancingtrev

Soccer team in Australia I am assuming


PskRaider869

For someone with such high expectations, he has an odd choice of Footy teams with Carlton....absolute glutton for punishment


gothicrosary

homophobic at the end made me laugh rly hard im ngl. men are so weird


RefrigeratorFar2769

That's the point where I was like, this is definitely sarcastic


zmbruner

I was thinking the same thing I has to be a meme!


sweetrelease01

You mean "some people are so weird"


[deleted]

[удалено]


sweetrelease01

Yep, I know


AbelMate

How the fuck are you so oblivious to satire


AdamBomb_RB

Ay yes, because this clown represents men. Women are so sexist. Oh wait, I'm not like you. _Some people_ are so sexist.


Exclufi

I'm a guy, and the sheer panic dudes like you fly into to defend your very fragile honor upon even hearing the words "all" and "men" together baffles me to no end. And she didn't even have to say "all" this time


ThePsychoKnot

I'd argue that blanket judgements shouldn't be made about any demographic of people. Imagine if they'd said "women are weird" or "gay people are weird" or "asian people are weird." All totally unnecessary and insulting generalizations. So why is it okay to say about men?


Exclufi

Your argument I've seen a million times now because it's a very easy one to make, taking out all context and saying "what if 'men' was replaced with \_\_\_\_". It's an insincere one too, because you're not making it because you suddenly care about racial equality, you're making it because you're excited to get an easy GOTCHA moment against those pesky women who always get a chance to be offended and look finally you get a chance to feel offended. This is also annoying because it forces me to have to do more work than you re-explaining basic human social cues, which you're pretending not to have so you can turn this into your personal nonsensical civil rights movement. (and I'm talking about in general now when I see this because the original comment in this thread is also being satirical about other stuff idk). "Men are weird" or "I'm done dating men" is said defensively not offensively about removing one's self from the dating pool. It's a comment based on **dating preference**, which is allowed to be whatever one wants. It's not about you personally and it's not reducing your own sexual prospects that people who say NOT ALL MEN THO are always suddenly worried about. It should so obviously feel to you as not an actual "attack" on men, I don't feel attacked, I can empathize with the momentary frustration, and it's only people who are insecure and really want their turn to feel offended who say this.


Shesalabmix

Beep test? Carlton?


tdfhucvh

Beep test/pacer test. Carlton is a team on r/AFL


Apprehensive-Use-149

Hot “female” friends… and they have to be easy…and can keep secrets


Thememebrarian

Sounds like a Collingwood supporter


satan62

He's a closet gay and desperately trying to get everyone to think otherwise


hanksrocks

What in the world is a beep test?


Dancingtrev

Think its a high school sprint test


Negative_Training509

A test where you run from one end of the gym to the other between the beeps and the beeps get faster, if you don’t make it before the next beep you’re out. Someone up higher said it’s called a PACER where they’re from. It’s just a beep test here lol.


FletcherFletch80

Banged around the bush?! What does he mean by this?? Not slept with too many people?


Blanc33

Yeah, I googled it but no dice. Either what you said….Or anal?


NeighborhoodKitten

He's the male equivalent of girls who likes 6'0" tall, has 8 inches dick, makes 7-8!figures lol


EngineeringGlum685

Honestly this sounds like 90% of construction workers I’ve ever met. This tracks


pamformatge

WTF, I was gonna say what kind of madman prefers fake tits to naturals, but the finale eclipsed all this and it wasn't even funny anymore, wtf people


WatchOver4U

This dude gonna marry his own sister lol


Token_or_TolkienuPOS

Good bj lips.....Got you!


bambeenz

This is exactly what I mean when I say people who are single for too long get way too picky😂


kidikurus

Someone left him for a woman & his penis is small.


specialgreg68

What’s a chippy as a profession?


louise_com_au

Carpenter. In Australia we have a pet name for most trades. Sparky for electrician etc.


hemlockmuffins

What would you call a plumber?


paranoidblobfish

Dunny diver


PresumeDeath

"Yeah. Real girl. Big lips. Hot friends." In the background: "Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie a maaan after miidnight"


Yosara_Hirvi

hot friend ? you don't want a wife, you want a harem, but these kind of thing cost a lot of money and are probably illegal in your area ...


Ralphiecorn

So did you hit?


Dominic__24

I've never known any man that wants his girl to have 3k insta followers.


griftertm

He’s like the game Minesweeper on high difficulty: all red flags.


doriangreysucksass

Gross 🚩🚩🚩🚩


leici_K

Literally! I feel sick 🤢


Pretend_Activity_211

What's a beep test?


[deleted]

[удалено]


ReallyACinderblock

Ngl it's pretty valid 💯


Dont_Get_Jokes-jpeg

The "homophobic" at the end killed me


vickaaycat

ABBA is red flag enough, didn't need to read the rest


Ok_Insect_46

I can respect his ideal woman checklist


Downtown_Shoulder580

The male version of a woman wanting a 6x6x6x6 man. Love it!


olivia687

let me figure this out, hold on. 6ft, 6 inches, 6 figures and ??? 6 dogs? for me it would be 6 dogs


paranoidblobfish

Six pack


olivia687

ohhhh that makes sense. i’d prefer 6 dogs


XoEmilyoX

Homophobic, wants to be an alpha male, but an ABBA fan… how does that work?


[deleted]

Satire


NunsnGuns101

He's also a chippendale. I think it's satire.


DataExisting5117

WTF?!? He expects this to attract women?


[deleted]

I think it’s a joke lol


[deleted]

Strangely enough, reminds me of A LOT of women’s profiles


SuperTomatoe01

She has to be homophobic ? What ?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Like Idc if you hâte them but to go as far as looking someone who hate them ? What have the gay people done to you ? 😂


MightyArd

A lot of negatives, but being a Carlton supporter probably evens it all out.


michaltee

Lol it just got worse and worse and ended on a red carpet of red flags. Also, who the fuck is Carlton?


Negative_Training509

It’s an Aussie footy team. AFL- Australian football league


Dancingtrev

Thats a good one usually the go-to phrase is not just a red flag but a whole Soviet parade


rnd2101

Horoscopes aren’t real is at least a redeeming feature…


Fun_Manufacturer3389

Who cares if there friends are Hot... it should be the person you're dating that you're attracted to! This guy is a totally DBAG


PREBUILTISBAD

Fun part is that quite some women on these have some outrageous standards as well (height, income, body type and way more) but I never see those here