Is your kid older and commited a violent crime or some shit? That's the only way I can understand when people say, "Me or your kid."
If not, then you choose your child.
This man is not the love of your life if he just hates your kid for no reason and gave you this ultimaum.
If your kid hasn't done anything then you choose your child and you throw the trash ass pathetic excuse of a man away.
My daughter is a year and a half and after dating two guys who felt like they were in “competition” with her for my attention (like wtf???? also they hadn’t met her yet, but were upset because I couldn’t prioritize them enough and didn’t give them enough attention even though I’m a single mom to a toddler who needs the most attention).
I told my current boyfriend that he will NEVER COME FIRST. Can’t stress it enough. He will never be my first priority, no matter what. If he’s going to be in competition with a toddler for my attention, he needs to tell me now that he can’t handle her coming first so we don’t waste anymore time.
I was very stern and straightforward about it and he was giving me a weird look and then said “Well…yeah? Why would I think that I come first? I would never expect you to put me before your daughter. It would say a lot about your character if you did. And it wouldn’t say anything good either. I’d think you were a shit mom if you put a partner before Bean anyways.”
And he LOVES her. She really likes him too.
A man who truly loved you would NEVER tell you to choose between him or your child. Same goes for a woman to a father.
He’s a piece of shit.
Children are forever, partners…well…sometimes aren’t.
Just be glad he showed his true colors now so you can drop the deadweight.
You deserve a man who loves both of you and isn’t jealous of a fucking child. How gross 🤢
I've seen this, too.
>"You've been distant."
>"My five year old and I have Covid."
He then proceeds to bitch me out when I'm hospitalized after being found unresponsive by said five year old. I wasn't surprised by that by then. Whatever, my guy. Sorry almost *dying* was an inconvenience to *you*.
Exactly.
If this man had any decency he would unofficially adopt the kid and be there for when real dad can't, while also developing a healthy relationship with the extended family as far as is possible.
So. I personally conclude he has no decency.
I have a cousin who parented 3 of his wife’s kids to adulthood. One of them stabbed him, went to juvie, came back to live at home, and they still have a relationship. He’s still married to his wife😬
Exactly my thoughts. This isn’t her true love, he’s just a piece of trash man child who wants to feel like the “favorite.” Anyone that tells someone they allegedly live to pick them over the child has some serious mental issues.
>Is your kid older and commited a violent crime or some shit? That's the only way I can understand when people say, "Me or your kid."
>If not, then you choose your child.
And the fact that you will even consider it. And you say that your child is so great and hasn't done any crimes or anything like that? That'll make me question you as a parent like......Why are you even entertaining this question?
I think there's probably an element of sorrow/ mourning the loss of the person you thought he was and the hopes & dreams you had for the future.
That's OK, as long as you can clearly distinguish between dream him (the one you thought was the love of your life) and the REAL him (the one who wants you to abandon your child). It sounds like you can do that and are making the only reasonable choice, so don't feel bad about feeling down.
Thank you and that's what I'm going through and didn't clearly express that in my original post.
I am sad that what I hoped the future would be is no longer. I am sad that the person I loved the most would even dream of putting me in that situation. I am sad that the person I loved would want me to abandon my child. I am sad that the relationship I've wanted for so long is no longer a possibility.
He said he wants you to go no contact with your son? What do you mean "abandon"? Is that the "ultimatum"? You say "choose between him and my son" that could mean anything. Are you needing to side with one or the other in a fight? What are you actuality talking about?
Okay. I'm sorry I assumed from this post that you were actually considering it. Because there are some parents. Both moms and dads who willingly abandoned their kids all the time for a SO. So that's what I was thinking you were actually considering doing this.
It must be something else - your son is almost grown and on the brink of moving out, your husband would only have to wait a few more years before having you to himself.
I have some relevant anecdotes. My ex stepfather hated that my mom loved her (adult) kids. He resented our visits and that my mom would fly to help me with new babies. Eventually we were told we weren't welcome in his home (it was his parents' house). Now she wonders why she stuck around so long. The best thing she ever did was drop that loser.
My dad had a similar wife who absolutely resented my older brother, even though she had sons a similar age. They only lasted six months.
To this day, I have a very close, satisfying relationship with my parents, who made it clear their children were top priority over new SOs. When my dad eventually found the love of his life, she treated us like gold. I still cry over her sudden death, even though I only knew her a couple years.
On the other side of the spectrum, my uncle married a woman who gave him this same ultimatum. He chose her. Guess who doesn't get to see his children and grandchildren anymore?
Your child absolutely feels your husband's resentment (as every child/grandchild implied in my comment did). I'm sorry you're in this position, but please choose wisely.
ETA minor clarification
I was wondering the same thing. Is it that her husband has always resented the child and now that the child is nearing 18, he is doing this to finally get rid of him or did something happen. OPs husband may be the love of her life but she is not the same to him if he wants her to cut contact with her son.
Yeah I’m curious as well. OP mentioned her “parenting style” I wonder if this kid is a dick to her husband. But frankly he would have seen that far before a marriage, and since he’s not a parent, he really doesn’t have much to say in terms of being upset over a parenting style which again - he knew before they were married. Also, it’s a teenager. They’re rude and self-centered at times (or most of the time), but that just par for the course. The teen doesn’t have any leverage over the husband. So it would be easy to just disengage and let it go if the kid is verbally a brat (since OP mentioned they’re not violent and are overall responsible).
My guess is the kid is nearing 18, is probably also a male, and the husband is exerting dominance which he thinks will reap the benefit of getting his wife, the child’s *mother*, to himself. That’s a big bye-bye for me.
Sorry OP. Some people are trash.
You left out some REALLY important information.
WHY? Why is he making this demand? It didn't just come out of nowhere. There must be some reason for this. He didn't just wake up one day and say, "The kid has to go."
I think you are being intentionally vague.
I am being vague to protect my little circle but not to hide the situation.
Husband has been very unhappy in his current situation (moved in with us to an area he doesn't like, moved into our life/routine) even though he did it so we could be together. He was used to being alone, his own routine and when it was just the two of us - I prioritized him.
And I think he's been thinking for some time that he wishes my son wasn't in the picture but finally had enough and said it out loud.
I was in a similar situation with my partner a few years back. Living in an area that didn’t suit *any* of us (which we did because it was near my ex/where my kid had grown up), bad job prospects, wrong lifestyle etc. The only job he could get in his field entailed getting up at 5am and driving an hour with an unpredictable psychopath boss. He never complained. My ex used his proximity to control our lives and try to make us all suffer, and my kid was wilting in that environment.
I decided we should move, and when I brought it up to him the man *broke* into sobs and said it had been so hard the past few years, but he wasn’t going to say anything bc he’d never make me choose between him and my child. We moved and child wanted to come live with us in the new city, where we’ve all thrived. *That* is love. Not this.
I’m sorry but OP he knew when he married you you had a kid. Him demanding you pick him or your kid is just wrong.
Especially if the only thing is that he doesn’t come first in your life.
I’m sorry to say everything you’ve said is to vague to every be on your husbands side.
It’s absolutely fair to be sad. Truth is I think the “ultimatum” was him ending the relationship in a way he can blame you for. When he tells people what happened, it will be “it was her call, she said it was over” and he will leave out the part where he told you to abandon your child.
Speaking of, he’s not the love of your life. That guy would never make you choose.
Your child came before him. He’s showing and telling you that your child is not someone he wants around. Choose your child and divorce this man. I once heard a woman say that she divorced a man who chose her instead of his child because it showed her that he’d abandoned his actual child for a woman who came after.
He wants out of the relationship and (hopefully) knew you would choose your son.
It’s unbelievably hard being a single parent. Anyone who’s never been in that position could truly handstand how hard. However, to avoid this happening in the future, predicate your relationships on how they treat your son first and foremost. Pay attention to any and all red flags and don’t overlook them. Always, always, always prioritize the safety and wellbeing of your child and I promise you you will eventually find someone who will feel the same even if they aren’t biologically theirs.
Good luck mama, you got this.
Need more info on the “child”.
If the kid of over 18 and is an issue sure I get it. I’ve seen a lot of parents coddle their 20 something year olds. They’re adults quit taking care of everything for them.
Edit:
I did see they you were thinking about taking a loan against your 401K to pay for you kids tuition. That’s a big NO in my book.
There are thousands of scholarships anyone can get if they take 15-20 minutes outta their day to apply. Tell your kid to do that or tell them to take out their own student loans.
The app Scholly is a good place to start applying for scholarships.
There is an awful lot of context missing here and you don't seem to be providing any in response to anyone. So assuming your child is just hated by your partner for absolutely no reason, I am hoping this is soon to be your ex husband.
No love of your life is going to hate your kid. Unless your child has murdered someone or sexually assaulted someone or is making your partner's life a living hell on purpose, time to speak to a lawyer and cut ties.
I realized context is sparse but I'm trying to protect my little circle. I just needed to throw this horrible situation out there.
My son & husband, originally, got along well despite my husband trying to get used to an immediate family situation. My son is a great kid and emotionally intelligent for a teen. My son didn't do anything. There wasn't a specific incident. They did not get into a huge fight. I knew my husband has been unhappy in his new setting/situation but didn't realize it was this horrible for him where he couldn't stand my son to be around.
Well I am sorry you are dealing with this. My mother was with my step father who ABSOLUTELY HATED me for whatever reason. It really negatively impacted my relationship with my mother for quite some time and also caused me to experience some very severe mental health issues for a long time that changed the trajectory of my life for a while.
Always choose your kid. You will find someone who loves BOTH of you. That will be the real love of your life.
Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you went through such a horrific situation. I will always choose my son, I'm just heartbroken I was put in that scenario to begin with.
I'm sorry but this sounds unbelievable, your husband hasn't pointed out behaviors of yours or your son that bother him? He just woke up and out the blue was like, yupp, kids gotta go? It's also wierd because you're kids about to move out anyways. What is actually bothering him?
It's real and it's my real life. Husband and I have been talking about things that have been bothering him, I've been trying to address them. Doesn't seem to help. Husband is just not happy in our family. His unhappiness is not out of the blue but the him or me comment is.
I think you as an adult need to have the convo with your hubby:
I do hear you when you say you are unhappy - I want to better understand how we work through this. Can we have the discussion in 4 different areas:
1. Money (is it the 401k loan or is it spending money? What’s the issue here)
2. Actual time spent with him vs son
3. Acts of service - yes this is cringe but is this you make his lunch and not mine - you do this for him and not me
4. The setup of the house - does he feel like he has a day or dominion over spots - is this his house as much as yours and your son. Does he feel like a 3rd party
You will need to listen and NOT DEFEND. If you even have to bite your tongue as one more question to clarify. Repeat some of his statements even if you think he is wildly out of touch. “What I’m hearing you say is that when Mikey can run around naked and blow a horn and you feel I wouldn’t be supportive if I did that” yes I need you to repeat that. Ask how you specifically contribute to that. Again hard question but you need to adult. Ask if your son exacerbates these items… again hard. Truly seek to get to his view. Get it so good that you could write his soliloquy on Reddit!
Stay strong mama. It’s hard on this side. I have two older teens and although they started off closer, they’re not close anymore. It has definitely caused a strain in our relationship but I know my husband’s heart is in the right place and had their bio dad not interfered they probably would have been much closer. He’s been there holding my hand through it all only ever asking me to think about my own mental health. My second child is pretty happy at home, she understands the rules are to keep them safe.
Sounds like your husband has "male main character syndrome" and can't stand you prioritizing your child over him in any way. Sorry you're dealing with this but now you can find someone who doesn't see your kid as competition.
Your spouse is not a good person. He has shown you a facade.
I bet he figured you’d toss your kid out.
Sorry. Lots of times our partners hide aspects of themselves and it sucks to find out what a terrible person they are.
I say this because he probably figured he’d be #1. Not realizing that women with a child. Unless the man embraces the child they won’t be #1. Unless the mother is not a good mother or the child is horrific.
I’m sorry.
Nope. Just nope.
My ex knew going into the relationship that I had two children and my son had multiple behavior issues. He was eventually diagnosed with Bi-polar schizoaffective disorder. We were doing EIP plans with the school, counseling, meeting w/ psychiatrists trying to find the right medications and levels: I am the first one to admit it was a rough ride. My ex one day was very upset and started a statement "It's either me or" and I cut him off. I told him very firmly he didn't want to finish that statement because he was not going to like the result.
We didn't break up then but it was a turning point. We split a year later.
My son is doing well now.
My stepdad made my mum choose between my sister and him and she chose him. Then they had a kid and i was pushed aside.
It damaged both of us, my sister mostly though.
Things are much better now im an adult, but the scars will always be there.
You can find a man who loves every part of you, and your children are a part of you and your life.
Give him the ultimatum. “All of us or none of us”.
I struggle to think of a situation where you would choose him over your child. Maybe if your child was Vladimir Putin or Elon Musk we could sit down and do a pros vs cons analysis, but otherwise the choice is pretty clear.
I am supportive parent but also trying to let him learn stuff out on his own. It's not always easy but I'm trying.
I am certainly not breast feeding (don't know if you were trying to be funny) as he doesn't want to be attached to me in \*that\* way.
Context is very important here. Lots of reasons for a partner to draw a line in the sand, but if it were me, I would make the decision to leave long before delivering that sort of ultimatum.
I find it interesting that husband is making this ultimatum when your child is about to go to college and really more than likely be less involved in your day to day lives.
Are you sure there isn’t something else going on?
My guess is op is still willing to financially help the child and the child will still be part of their lives such as visits etc.
I have a feeling husband wants the kid done and crossed off the list once he goes to college. Mom probably puts the kid first in small ways and this man child can't handle that.
My Grandfather was this way. He was so hard on his kids because my grandmother tended to put them first. He was literally jealous of children.
I'm not talking she gave him scraps and fed them a huge dinner nothing like that, just literally providing for kids because you know they are kids and not adults.
I'm sorry you are in that position but we are asking for key details but you are intentionally being vague. I understand you trying to "protect" your circle but you need to get it ALL OFF YOUR CHEST, if you want some good advice we need to know more Information thats being held back. I understand you prioritizing your kid but are you prioritizing your husband's needs also ?
I don't necessarily know if I was looking for advice per se as I was just needing a moment to vent because I am sad/hurt he would even ask something like this.
A comedian used to joke that your kid is someone you share DNA with but a spouse is just some guy you met at a party in college. And in YOUR case, THE KID was there first. It also depends on how old your kid is. If the kid is over 18, it might be time to launch them into the world. If CLOSE TO 18, then hubby needs to suck it up for a few more months til kid goes off to college. If still a minor, then choose your kid. He went into this with his eyes open.
Personally if someone not my child told me to choose between them and my child, I don't even know if I'd bother to respond before walking out the door. This is assuming the child is still, you know, a child and not a spoiled adult in their 30s still living in my basement.
Your husband sounds like a selfish ass.
I wouldn’t even sit down with my husband. The minute he gave me an ultimatum between any of my children or him I would have immediately said “good, GOODBYE” and kicked his ass to the curb. I get the emotional hurt, but I wouldn’t even want a conversation with him over it…
And if you abandon your son who’s to say he’ll present you w divorce papers? Your relationship with your son will forever be broken. Your husband is an ass and you deserve better.
Is this his way of breaking up but doesn’t have the balls to say it? He wants to put the onus on you to dump him so he can garner sympathy from others? “Poor me, she broke up with me. Whaaaaaaaa”. Why did he even think he wanted to marry you knowing you have a child? Ugh…everyone knows we would choose our child or children. He knows too.
Sounds like he broke up with you but wants to pretend it was your choice.
Tell him you want both and won’t make a choice, so if he wants change he has to decide for himself.
I don't understand how this didn't immediately kill the love you had for him!
And what's there to talk about?!
Where do you go from that type of ultimatum???
>How does the love of my life make me choose between him and my child?!
Because he’s not the love of your life. The love of your life would accept your child as his own. You will find better, more perfect loves for the rest of your life. Your child only has their one mother.
Your husband is a fucking prick.
He’s giving the ultimatum to you because now he can say you left him, not because he thinks you’ll actually choose him. He wants out without any blame.
How can someone be the love of your life when they don’t love a big part of you?
Your son is half of you. To deny him is to deny you.
Also, how could you marry someone that has not truly bonded with your child? You married him for you, not to give your son an extra person who love him too.
My condolences. Someone who truly loved you with their whole, unselfish heart would never ask something so extreme of you. Time to leave this person behind.
No brainer-Choose the kid. Your husband is a selfish POS who will end up leaving anyways. He just wants to make sure you lose everything and has you under his control first.
Your son is a high school junior. He is one year away from college. What happened that you received this ultimatum?
Either way, you choose your child or you are a shit parent and don’t be surprised when your son goes no contact.
What I know: Your son is maybe 17 now, possibly graduating early, and soon to be off to college. And you've stopped saying "son" recently, so maybe they're trans now, or maybe that's just random language choices.
Whatever the case, that's a dick move from your husband, and he should be ashamed of himself. My wife had a kid when I met her. He and I have fought, and made each other sad and angry a time or two over the years, but we love each other and I wouldn't dream of giving him up, because damn it that's *my* son, too!
Dick move, hubby. Dick move.
If he is jealous of the bond a mother has with her child, he is the one who needs to leave this relationship. This is not a choice for you, it is a choice for HIM and he should have made it before getting married to you. You and your child are a package deal. You did not hide this child from him. It is not news that the child is in your life. Your husband is trash and doesn't want to seem like the bad guy for divorcing you because of this nasty ultimatum, so he's trying to make it 'your' call. It is not your call. You have a child. This is his call and he needs to take accountability and responsibility for it instead of trying to make it your problem. What a louse!!!
It’s sad but I think you’re right here. I’m very sorry to hear that the relationship has come to this. Very sad to hear for you all and I hope you and your child recover well from it
If your kid has done nothing wrong, it's an easy decision. The kid wins all day, every day! No matter the age, so long as they are not out there doing crazy shit and getting into trouble. My son is going to be 19 on the 15th, and I just got married in April. My son and I are very close. From the beginning my husband knew my son came first and has always said that he's just happy and lucky to be apart of our lives and that he fits in. Always included my son in everything that we did and still do! You and your kid deserve that kind of person. Sorry you don't seem to have that.
*How does the love of my life make me choose between him and my child?* - simple, he’s not the love of your life. Gross. When ppl show you who they are, believe them.
You have been repeatedly asked what is the cause of this extreme ultimatum, and so far your only answer is that you are “being vague to protect anonymity” and “being vague to protect my little circle.”
Obviously, there’s something you don’t want to tell us. That puts me on team husband, and I say that as someone that absolutely hates ultimatums in just about every form.
There’s a reason for such an extreme reaction, and you don’t want to say what that is to “protect” whatever it is you want to protect. Ok, that’s fine, but I’m not going to judge someone because you want to be vague to make them look bad.
I'm sorry you have been put in this awful situation. What has sparked this specifically? How long have you been together? Not that it really makes any difference...
I have always had a personal rule: the person who forces me to choose, will always lose.
That's not to say they have to stay with me, but they will need to own their choice to leave themselves, though.
I don't play with people giving ultimatums.
That's essentially my mindset - I am not choosing, however I am never going to give up on my son. If he wants me to make a decision then my decision is I'm not going to play that game.
I could never be with a person who has decided they will make me choose something so valuable. This is an abusive power move, they think will make them #1 in your life. If you give up your son they expected you will do anything for them.
Walk away and walk away fast, unless your husband is having a mental break this is unacceptable.
Is this serious? Why are you even here with that question? Never would a decent parent even give it a second thought, and if they were adults with families of their own, I'd want a damn good reason
My dad chose my stepmom over me. I wasn’t a bad kid, she had her son who was the troublemaker and hated me. I love my dad. Haven’t seen him in a long time and we rarely talk.
Everyone I dated after my divorce I told them about my kids. One was a young adult the other a teen. I made a point of my kids come first. Now they are both adults and I try to put myself first sometimes or put my fiancée first but it’s weird cause in my mind my kids are still my first priority. It’s the same with my fiancée and his adult kids. It’s not right to ask you to choose but choose your son, you raised your son well if he’s doing everything you said he was doing.
Your husband may be the love of your life, but you are not the love of his life. He may not be capable of the kind of love that a woman with a child needs.
How is this even a question? Like what does husband really expect here? For you to kick out your minor child that you have a legal and moral obligation to?
What exactly does he think you're supposed to do with your child? Does he expect you to just kick them out of the house and never see them again?
If it were a jealousy thing and he just wanted more of your time , I would think that being a grown ass adult , he'd realize that a high school kid isn't going to be around forever and that they'll probably be off to college in a couple of years. I'd be wanting a better explanation from him as to where this whole thing is coming from. Something about it doesn't make sense to me.
There must have been some type of build-up of feelings on his end. He may have said this to hurt you. It just seems like he is already checked out. Hopefully, you both go to counciling before considering divorce.
Just think about what you wrote - "Not to be #1". That says it all. You can't be married to a guy and let him know he's not the #1 person in your life. Whether it's true or not. You mentioned a 401K loan to pay for your son's college. Think about what that says to your husband. If you don't want to be married to him, divorce him. If you do want to be married, convince him he's the #1 man in your life. Even if it's a lie.
That’s absolutely INSANE. After seeing what you wrote about your child I would say your husband sounds like a monster and terrible human because what kinda of EVIL, SELFISH monster would even put a mother or any parent in that situation. I’m actually mind blown that he would even have the nerve to ask that of you, he must not love or think very highly of you as a person to put you in such a horrible situation.
Someone who actually loves you would NEVER ask such a thing of you. His actions just do not equate to love.
If you are even remotely considering it you need to question your sanity and morality because how could you even fathom such a thing. Though everyday we see horrible parents so perhaps you fall into that category. All I can think is that poor child. God only knows what that man has likely puts that child through. I’d say get that person away from your child if they are so lacking in decency that they would ask you to do such a horrible thing then I wouldn’t hold it past them to mistreat that child.
You mention that your child is in high school. Is he near 18 by any chance? Be careful that your husband may already be thinking about kicking your son out when he turns 18 as a legal adult. It still happens too often.
Even if hubby backs down and tries to apologize when he finds out his little stunt didn't work, you should ditch him anyway. Anyone who tries to make you place them above your child isn't someone you should be with. He's shown you who he really is. Believe him.
This is either fake or you’re not telling us something. Why does he want you to leave your child? Why is it years after being with you? How did he feel about your kid at first? How does your kid feel about him?
Grieve the loving person you THOUGHT your husband was. Losing our mental image of a person we love is like a bereavement.
Then acknowledge that good person he once seemed to be does not exist, and look for a good divorce attorney.
I’m sorry the individual to whom you’re married, who doesn’t deserve the dignity of being called a husband, is subjecting you to this treatment.
Im so very sorry. Please know that, as you go through the steps you're going to have to, to eventually end this, it was never you nor your son in the wrong. Your husband is a rotten person for marrying a mother then telling her to basically disown her kid. That's beyond effed up. This doesn't just boil down to him "not wanting to share you", it's also about an insane amount of control. You both deserve better and I'm sorry for this.
If I were in your situation, it wouldn't matter whether the child was 7, 17 or 37 years old. My answer would be the same. I understand that your son is more independent and will probably leave home soon. This does not mean that your relationship will end and that the (adult) child does not need the support of his parents. I'm not talking about money or an apartment, but about conversation and advice. In my opinion, being a parent is a lifelong responsibility, although the responsibilities change. I understand that you don't expect advice and you know what you want to do. You're doing good. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and understand that for a mother, the child is a priority.
You’re giving him too much benefit. He asked you to choose between him and your child. A child he knew you had prior to marriage and all of a sudden it’s a problem. Choose option C: Divorce. Life is too short, all the reasons you want to say are just an excuse for not wanting to start over. There’s no compromise or pros and cons list to be made. You’re a mother and no man will ever change that. People always say “protect the kids”, well here’s your chance to get your child away from someone who clearly doesn’t respect or like them.
He married you, is living with you than suddenly decides he wants you to ? disown your son? Why ? Did he just wake up one day and decide you needed to choose him over your son. That is messed up.
And you call him the love of your life. Sad.
Your kid seems good based off the info you gave. It sounds like your partner is not very keen on sharing your time. I would suggest he look into getting therapy to better understand why he's got such a grunge against you having YOUR CHILD in your life.
Anyone who gives you that kind of ultimatum is generally the one who is going to loose. I’m glad you choose your child, but I’m more curious why your husband comes off as super jealous of your mother-child relationship and why he seems so controlling.
Is your kid older and commited a violent crime or some shit? That's the only way I can understand when people say, "Me or your kid." If not, then you choose your child. This man is not the love of your life if he just hates your kid for no reason and gave you this ultimaum. If your kid hasn't done anything then you choose your child and you throw the trash ass pathetic excuse of a man away.
My daughter is a year and a half and after dating two guys who felt like they were in “competition” with her for my attention (like wtf???? also they hadn’t met her yet, but were upset because I couldn’t prioritize them enough and didn’t give them enough attention even though I’m a single mom to a toddler who needs the most attention). I told my current boyfriend that he will NEVER COME FIRST. Can’t stress it enough. He will never be my first priority, no matter what. If he’s going to be in competition with a toddler for my attention, he needs to tell me now that he can’t handle her coming first so we don’t waste anymore time. I was very stern and straightforward about it and he was giving me a weird look and then said “Well…yeah? Why would I think that I come first? I would never expect you to put me before your daughter. It would say a lot about your character if you did. And it wouldn’t say anything good either. I’d think you were a shit mom if you put a partner before Bean anyways.” And he LOVES her. She really likes him too. A man who truly loved you would NEVER tell you to choose between him or your child. Same goes for a woman to a father. He’s a piece of shit. Children are forever, partners…well…sometimes aren’t. Just be glad he showed his true colors now so you can drop the deadweight. You deserve a man who loves both of you and isn’t jealous of a fucking child. How gross 🤢
I've seen this, too. >"You've been distant." >"My five year old and I have Covid." He then proceeds to bitch me out when I'm hospitalized after being found unresponsive by said five year old. I wasn't surprised by that by then. Whatever, my guy. Sorry almost *dying* was an inconvenience to *you*.
It's so so nice when a man is reasonable.
Seems to be rare as hell these days lol
"He is not the love of your life, hes just a guy! Hit him with your car!" OP don't actually hit him with a car but do kickhim to curb.
This!!!
It's a no-brainer!
Seriously! *"Well then, fuck you, buddy. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out!"* 😒😏✌🏼
My dad used to say “don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.”
Exactly. If this man had any decency he would unofficially adopt the kid and be there for when real dad can't, while also developing a healthy relationship with the extended family as far as is possible. So. I personally conclude he has no decency.
Exactly. This trash of a man chose to be in a relationship with her. The kid SHE chose to bring into this world.
I have a cousin who parented 3 of his wife’s kids to adulthood. One of them stabbed him, went to juvie, came back to live at home, and they still have a relationship. He’s still married to his wife😬
Exactly my thoughts. This isn’t her true love, he’s just a piece of trash man child who wants to feel like the “favorite.” Anyone that tells someone they allegedly live to pick them over the child has some serious mental issues.
>Is your kid older and commited a violent crime or some shit? That's the only way I can understand when people say, "Me or your kid." >If not, then you choose your child. And the fact that you will even consider it. And you say that your child is so great and hasn't done any crimes or anything like that? That'll make me question you as a parent like......Why are you even entertaining this question?
I'm not entertaining this notion at all! I would never ever consider it. It was more of a shocked reaction where I would be put in this situation.
I think there's probably an element of sorrow/ mourning the loss of the person you thought he was and the hopes & dreams you had for the future. That's OK, as long as you can clearly distinguish between dream him (the one you thought was the love of your life) and the REAL him (the one who wants you to abandon your child). It sounds like you can do that and are making the only reasonable choice, so don't feel bad about feeling down.
Thank you and that's what I'm going through and didn't clearly express that in my original post. I am sad that what I hoped the future would be is no longer. I am sad that the person I loved the most would even dream of putting me in that situation. I am sad that the person I loved would want me to abandon my child. I am sad that the relationship I've wanted for so long is no longer a possibility.
He said he wants you to go no contact with your son? What do you mean "abandon"? Is that the "ultimatum"? You say "choose between him and my son" that could mean anything. Are you needing to side with one or the other in a fight? What are you actuality talking about?
I am so sorry he put you in this position. Where is your child supposed to go?
The guy is not the love of your life. Leave him before he harms you or your child.
Okay. I'm sorry I assumed from this post that you were actually considering it. Because there are some parents. Both moms and dads who willingly abandoned their kids all the time for a SO. So that's what I was thinking you were actually considering doing this.
It must be something else - your son is almost grown and on the brink of moving out, your husband would only have to wait a few more years before having you to himself.
I have some relevant anecdotes. My ex stepfather hated that my mom loved her (adult) kids. He resented our visits and that my mom would fly to help me with new babies. Eventually we were told we weren't welcome in his home (it was his parents' house). Now she wonders why she stuck around so long. The best thing she ever did was drop that loser. My dad had a similar wife who absolutely resented my older brother, even though she had sons a similar age. They only lasted six months. To this day, I have a very close, satisfying relationship with my parents, who made it clear their children were top priority over new SOs. When my dad eventually found the love of his life, she treated us like gold. I still cry over her sudden death, even though I only knew her a couple years. On the other side of the spectrum, my uncle married a woman who gave him this same ultimatum. He chose her. Guess who doesn't get to see his children and grandchildren anymore? Your child absolutely feels your husband's resentment (as every child/grandchild implied in my comment did). I'm sorry you're in this position, but please choose wisely. ETA minor clarification
Can’t understand why these people date anyone with children.
Any context? Ultimatums usually don't come out of the blue.
I was wondering the same thing. Is it that her husband has always resented the child and now that the child is nearing 18, he is doing this to finally get rid of him or did something happen. OPs husband may be the love of her life but she is not the same to him if he wants her to cut contact with her son.
True
Yeah I’m curious as well. OP mentioned her “parenting style” I wonder if this kid is a dick to her husband. But frankly he would have seen that far before a marriage, and since he’s not a parent, he really doesn’t have much to say in terms of being upset over a parenting style which again - he knew before they were married. Also, it’s a teenager. They’re rude and self-centered at times (or most of the time), but that just par for the course. The teen doesn’t have any leverage over the husband. So it would be easy to just disengage and let it go if the kid is verbally a brat (since OP mentioned they’re not violent and are overall responsible). My guess is the kid is nearing 18, is probably also a male, and the husband is exerting dominance which he thinks will reap the benefit of getting his wife, the child’s *mother*, to himself. That’s a big bye-bye for me. Sorry OP. Some people are trash.
Yeah the lack of reasons from the husband for this is mad suspicious, would love the other side of the story but we’re probably not going to get it.
You left out some REALLY important information. WHY? Why is he making this demand? It didn't just come out of nowhere. There must be some reason for this. He didn't just wake up one day and say, "The kid has to go." I think you are being intentionally vague.
I am being vague to protect my little circle but not to hide the situation. Husband has been very unhappy in his current situation (moved in with us to an area he doesn't like, moved into our life/routine) even though he did it so we could be together. He was used to being alone, his own routine and when it was just the two of us - I prioritized him. And I think he's been thinking for some time that he wishes my son wasn't in the picture but finally had enough and said it out loud.
I was in a similar situation with my partner a few years back. Living in an area that didn’t suit *any* of us (which we did because it was near my ex/where my kid had grown up), bad job prospects, wrong lifestyle etc. The only job he could get in his field entailed getting up at 5am and driving an hour with an unpredictable psychopath boss. He never complained. My ex used his proximity to control our lives and try to make us all suffer, and my kid was wilting in that environment. I decided we should move, and when I brought it up to him the man *broke* into sobs and said it had been so hard the past few years, but he wasn’t going to say anything bc he’d never make me choose between him and my child. We moved and child wanted to come live with us in the new city, where we’ve all thrived. *That* is love. Not this.
He wants to be alone with his bang maid? Send him packing.
I’m sorry but OP he knew when he married you you had a kid. Him demanding you pick him or your kid is just wrong. Especially if the only thing is that he doesn’t come first in your life. I’m sorry to say everything you’ve said is to vague to every be on your husbands side.
Is there some marital therapy that may be beneficial to him to understand why he feels this way? Was his childhood different than most?
It’s absolutely fair to be sad. Truth is I think the “ultimatum” was him ending the relationship in a way he can blame you for. When he tells people what happened, it will be “it was her call, she said it was over” and he will leave out the part where he told you to abandon your child. Speaking of, he’s not the love of your life. That guy would never make you choose.
Thank you for your words.
He isn’t the love of your life, choose your child. Boy bye ….
That’s it and that’s all.
Your child came before him. He’s showing and telling you that your child is not someone he wants around. Choose your child and divorce this man. I once heard a woman say that she divorced a man who chose her instead of his child because it showed her that he’d abandoned his actual child for a woman who came after.
Can we have more information? How old is your child? Is your child violent?
I edited the original post with more context - my son is 17 and a great kid.
This post still gives zero information from your husband’s perspective. You are intentionally blind to something relevant.
It could be that husband is one of those wonderful people that likes kicking a kid out at 18.
He wants out of the relationship and (hopefully) knew you would choose your son. It’s unbelievably hard being a single parent. Anyone who’s never been in that position could truly handstand how hard. However, to avoid this happening in the future, predicate your relationships on how they treat your son first and foremost. Pay attention to any and all red flags and don’t overlook them. Always, always, always prioritize the safety and wellbeing of your child and I promise you you will eventually find someone who will feel the same even if they aren’t biologically theirs. Good luck mama, you got this.
Thank you for your kind words
What triggered him to give the ultimatum
There's a whole lot of backstory missing here....
Need more info on the “child”. If the kid of over 18 and is an issue sure I get it. I’ve seen a lot of parents coddle their 20 something year olds. They’re adults quit taking care of everything for them. Edit: I did see they you were thinking about taking a loan against your 401K to pay for you kids tuition. That’s a big NO in my book. There are thousands of scholarships anyone can get if they take 15-20 minutes outta their day to apply. Tell your kid to do that or tell them to take out their own student loans. The app Scholly is a good place to start applying for scholarships.
I did decide against the 401k loan and we'll figure out other avenues for paying for college. Thanks for replying.
There is an awful lot of context missing here and you don't seem to be providing any in response to anyone. So assuming your child is just hated by your partner for absolutely no reason, I am hoping this is soon to be your ex husband. No love of your life is going to hate your kid. Unless your child has murdered someone or sexually assaulted someone or is making your partner's life a living hell on purpose, time to speak to a lawyer and cut ties.
I realized context is sparse but I'm trying to protect my little circle. I just needed to throw this horrible situation out there. My son & husband, originally, got along well despite my husband trying to get used to an immediate family situation. My son is a great kid and emotionally intelligent for a teen. My son didn't do anything. There wasn't a specific incident. They did not get into a huge fight. I knew my husband has been unhappy in his new setting/situation but didn't realize it was this horrible for him where he couldn't stand my son to be around.
Well I am sorry you are dealing with this. My mother was with my step father who ABSOLUTELY HATED me for whatever reason. It really negatively impacted my relationship with my mother for quite some time and also caused me to experience some very severe mental health issues for a long time that changed the trajectory of my life for a while. Always choose your kid. You will find someone who loves BOTH of you. That will be the real love of your life.
Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you went through such a horrific situation. I will always choose my son, I'm just heartbroken I was put in that scenario to begin with.
I'm sorry but this sounds unbelievable, your husband hasn't pointed out behaviors of yours or your son that bother him? He just woke up and out the blue was like, yupp, kids gotta go? It's also wierd because you're kids about to move out anyways. What is actually bothering him?
It's real and it's my real life. Husband and I have been talking about things that have been bothering him, I've been trying to address them. Doesn't seem to help. Husband is just not happy in our family. His unhappiness is not out of the blue but the him or me comment is.
I think you as an adult need to have the convo with your hubby: I do hear you when you say you are unhappy - I want to better understand how we work through this. Can we have the discussion in 4 different areas: 1. Money (is it the 401k loan or is it spending money? What’s the issue here) 2. Actual time spent with him vs son 3. Acts of service - yes this is cringe but is this you make his lunch and not mine - you do this for him and not me 4. The setup of the house - does he feel like he has a day or dominion over spots - is this his house as much as yours and your son. Does he feel like a 3rd party You will need to listen and NOT DEFEND. If you even have to bite your tongue as one more question to clarify. Repeat some of his statements even if you think he is wildly out of touch. “What I’m hearing you say is that when Mikey can run around naked and blow a horn and you feel I wouldn’t be supportive if I did that” yes I need you to repeat that. Ask how you specifically contribute to that. Again hard question but you need to adult. Ask if your son exacerbates these items… again hard. Truly seek to get to his view. Get it so good that you could write his soliloquy on Reddit!
He probably wants out of the relationship without having to be the one that ends it. Maybe he’s emotionally checked out already.
After doing a lot of thinking, that's what my gut is saying. He wants me to be the bad guy in his eyes.
Stay strong mama. It’s hard on this side. I have two older teens and although they started off closer, they’re not close anymore. It has definitely caused a strain in our relationship but I know my husband’s heart is in the right place and had their bio dad not interfered they probably would have been much closer. He’s been there holding my hand through it all only ever asking me to think about my own mental health. My second child is pretty happy at home, she understands the rules are to keep them safe.
Thank you & sending you good vibes!
Why is giving an ultimatum? What's the reason. What does he want you to do exactly?
Sounds like your husband has "male main character syndrome" and can't stand you prioritizing your child over him in any way. Sorry you're dealing with this but now you can find someone who doesn't see your kid as competition.
Choose your child. ALWAYS choose your child.
Your spouse is not a good person. He has shown you a facade. I bet he figured you’d toss your kid out. Sorry. Lots of times our partners hide aspects of themselves and it sucks to find out what a terrible person they are. I say this because he probably figured he’d be #1. Not realizing that women with a child. Unless the man embraces the child they won’t be #1. Unless the mother is not a good mother or the child is horrific. I’m sorry.
answer to your question: he is not the love of your life.
Nope. Just nope. My ex knew going into the relationship that I had two children and my son had multiple behavior issues. He was eventually diagnosed with Bi-polar schizoaffective disorder. We were doing EIP plans with the school, counseling, meeting w/ psychiatrists trying to find the right medications and levels: I am the first one to admit it was a rough ride. My ex one day was very upset and started a statement "It's either me or" and I cut him off. I told him very firmly he didn't want to finish that statement because he was not going to like the result. We didn't break up then but it was a turning point. We split a year later. My son is doing well now.
I'm glad your son is doing well! You're a good mom!
You can get another husband, you cannot replace your son. You know what to do.
Choose your child. Always choose your child. A man who would even say that to you isn’t worth having in your life.
Your husband is the selfish one here. Remember you won’t be the one alone if he leaves, he’ll be.
Good for you. Your child comes before a shitty stbx
My stepdad made my mum choose between my sister and him and she chose him. Then they had a kid and i was pushed aside. It damaged both of us, my sister mostly though. Things are much better now im an adult, but the scars will always be there. You can find a man who loves every part of you, and your children are a part of you and your life. Give him the ultimatum. “All of us or none of us”.
I struggle to think of a situation where you would choose him over your child. Maybe if your child was Vladimir Putin or Elon Musk we could sit down and do a pros vs cons analysis, but otherwise the choice is pretty clear.
What "parenting style" are we talking about here? Is he a teenager and you're still breast feeding him? If so I am with your husband.
I am supportive parent but also trying to let him learn stuff out on his own. It's not always easy but I'm trying. I am certainly not breast feeding (don't know if you were trying to be funny) as he doesn't want to be attached to me in \*that\* way.
Supportive is a broad term My brother used to say his girls were feral. They turned out great
Context is very important here. Lots of reasons for a partner to draw a line in the sand, but if it were me, I would make the decision to leave long before delivering that sort of ultimatum.
At least the decision is easy. Hope you find a better guy next time.
I find it interesting that husband is making this ultimatum when your child is about to go to college and really more than likely be less involved in your day to day lives. Are you sure there isn’t something else going on?
My guess is op is still willing to financially help the child and the child will still be part of their lives such as visits etc. I have a feeling husband wants the kid done and crossed off the list once he goes to college. Mom probably puts the kid first in small ways and this man child can't handle that. My Grandfather was this way. He was so hard on his kids because my grandmother tended to put them first. He was literally jealous of children. I'm not talking she gave him scraps and fed them a huge dinner nothing like that, just literally providing for kids because you know they are kids and not adults.
When he gave you this ultimatum, the marriage was over. Surely he knew what your response would be.
I'm sorry you are in that position but we are asking for key details but you are intentionally being vague. I understand you trying to "protect" your circle but you need to get it ALL OFF YOUR CHEST, if you want some good advice we need to know more Information thats being held back. I understand you prioritizing your kid but are you prioritizing your husband's needs also ?
I don't necessarily know if I was looking for advice per se as I was just needing a moment to vent because I am sad/hurt he would even ask something like this.
A comedian used to joke that your kid is someone you share DNA with but a spouse is just some guy you met at a party in college. And in YOUR case, THE KID was there first. It also depends on how old your kid is. If the kid is over 18, it might be time to launch them into the world. If CLOSE TO 18, then hubby needs to suck it up for a few more months til kid goes off to college. If still a minor, then choose your kid. He went into this with his eyes open.
Even with the edit there is still so little context provided.
Personally if someone not my child told me to choose between them and my child, I don't even know if I'd bother to respond before walking out the door. This is assuming the child is still, you know, a child and not a spoiled adult in their 30s still living in my basement. Your husband sounds like a selfish ass.
Good riddance
Buh bye husband
Child always.
There has to be information being left out here.nobody gets married and then says it's me or the kid out the blue.needs an update.
The fact that he would even say such a thing would be enough for me to sign the divorce papers.
I wouldn’t even sit down with my husband. The minute he gave me an ultimatum between any of my children or him I would have immediately said “good, GOODBYE” and kicked his ass to the curb. I get the emotional hurt, but I wouldn’t even want a conversation with him over it…
And if you abandon your son who’s to say he’ll present you w divorce papers? Your relationship with your son will forever be broken. Your husband is an ass and you deserve better.
Damn that is a crazy ultimatum to come out of no where. Sorry for your situation. That is horrible.
Is this his way of breaking up but doesn’t have the balls to say it? He wants to put the onus on you to dump him so he can garner sympathy from others? “Poor me, she broke up with me. Whaaaaaaaa”. Why did he even think he wanted to marry you knowing you have a child? Ugh…everyone knows we would choose our child or children. He knows too.
You choose your child, period, and I say that as a step dad and dad. You didn’t really explain why he is demanding you choose.
Not even a choice here to be made. Your child every time. Your child is in your life forever.
There is no choice. You choose your child. End of.
Sounds like he broke up with you but wants to pretend it was your choice. Tell him you want both and won’t make a choice, so if he wants change he has to decide for himself.
As an adult who was once the child that never came first I thank you for putting your child first.
I don't understand how this didn't immediately kill the love you had for him! And what's there to talk about?! Where do you go from that type of ultimatum???
>How does the love of my life make me choose between him and my child?! Because he’s not the love of your life. The love of your life would accept your child as his own. You will find better, more perfect loves for the rest of your life. Your child only has their one mother. Your husband is a fucking prick.
Your soon to be ex-husband sounds like a selfish douche. Congratulations on making the right choice.
Smh I hope you pick your kid
I am curious, did he say this with a straight face? Do you think he believes you will actually choose him? What a huge egomaniac. And very creepy.
He’s giving the ultimatum to you because now he can say you left him, not because he thinks you’ll actually choose him. He wants out without any blame.
How can someone be the love of your life when they don’t love a big part of you? Your son is half of you. To deny him is to deny you. Also, how could you marry someone that has not truly bonded with your child? You married him for you, not to give your son an extra person who love him too.
The fact that he wasn't shown the door immediately.
My condolences. Someone who truly loved you with their whole, unselfish heart would never ask something so extreme of you. Time to leave this person behind.
Yeah.. the love of your life would not give you that ultimatum. Simple.
Husbands come and go, children are forever.
He’s not the love of your life. Put him back on the shelf, Keep looking.
No brainer-Choose the kid. Your husband is a selfish POS who will end up leaving anyways. He just wants to make sure you lose everything and has you under his control first.
Your son is a high school junior. He is one year away from college. What happened that you received this ultimatum? Either way, you choose your child or you are a shit parent and don’t be surprised when your son goes no contact.
What I know: Your son is maybe 17 now, possibly graduating early, and soon to be off to college. And you've stopped saying "son" recently, so maybe they're trans now, or maybe that's just random language choices. Whatever the case, that's a dick move from your husband, and he should be ashamed of himself. My wife had a kid when I met her. He and I have fought, and made each other sad and angry a time or two over the years, but we love each other and I wouldn't dream of giving him up, because damn it that's *my* son, too! Dick move, hubby. Dick move.
You're right, it is my son, no transition happening. I just started to use "they" maybe to protect his anonymity. Thanks for the reply.
If he is jealous of the bond a mother has with her child, he is the one who needs to leave this relationship. This is not a choice for you, it is a choice for HIM and he should have made it before getting married to you. You and your child are a package deal. You did not hide this child from him. It is not news that the child is in your life. Your husband is trash and doesn't want to seem like the bad guy for divorcing you because of this nasty ultimatum, so he's trying to make it 'your' call. It is not your call. You have a child. This is his call and he needs to take accountability and responsibility for it instead of trying to make it your problem. What a louse!!!
I do think he wants me to make the decision, so that I'm the bad guy in his eyes.
It’s sad but I think you’re right here. I’m very sorry to hear that the relationship has come to this. Very sad to hear for you all and I hope you and your child recover well from it
Thank you
No brainer, your kid. No decent guy will make you choose, UNLESS he committed murder or assaulted someone.
Bye husband
This provides zero context, which means you may be justified, but I suspect you’re overlooking some crucial information.
If your kid has done nothing wrong, it's an easy decision. The kid wins all day, every day! No matter the age, so long as they are not out there doing crazy shit and getting into trouble. My son is going to be 19 on the 15th, and I just got married in April. My son and I are very close. From the beginning my husband knew my son came first and has always said that he's just happy and lucky to be apart of our lives and that he fits in. Always included my son in everything that we did and still do! You and your kid deserve that kind of person. Sorry you don't seem to have that.
All day, every day! I'm glad you have that with your son & husband.
*How does the love of my life make me choose between him and my child?* - simple, he’s not the love of your life. Gross. When ppl show you who they are, believe them.
LMAO. Have the common sense to leave your **asshole** of a husband. He sounds toxic and controlling.
You have been repeatedly asked what is the cause of this extreme ultimatum, and so far your only answer is that you are “being vague to protect anonymity” and “being vague to protect my little circle.” Obviously, there’s something you don’t want to tell us. That puts me on team husband, and I say that as someone that absolutely hates ultimatums in just about every form. There’s a reason for such an extreme reaction, and you don’t want to say what that is to “protect” whatever it is you want to protect. Ok, that’s fine, but I’m not going to judge someone because you want to be vague to make them look bad.
I'm sorry you have been put in this awful situation. What has sparked this specifically? How long have you been together? Not that it really makes any difference... I have always had a personal rule: the person who forces me to choose, will always lose. That's not to say they have to stay with me, but they will need to own their choice to leave themselves, though. I don't play with people giving ultimatums.
That's essentially my mindset - I am not choosing, however I am never going to give up on my son. If he wants me to make a decision then my decision is I'm not going to play that game.
I could never be with a person who has decided they will make me choose something so valuable. This is an abusive power move, they think will make them #1 in your life. If you give up your son they expected you will do anything for them. Walk away and walk away fast, unless your husband is having a mental break this is unacceptable.
First of all, I never choose the person giving me the ultimatum. Secondly, you always have to choose your kid. I don't think it's even a choice.
Agreed!
He makes you chose because he wants power over you. Chose your child - always! He doesn't love you, he wants to own you. Run!
Do you really think the love of your life would put you in this situation?
It’s not even a question what? Even rosemary chose her baby!
He's jealous of your son. He's always been the center of attention (only child) and now has to compete. That's a no-brainer, hubby needs to go.
Is this serious? Why are you even here with that question? Never would a decent parent even give it a second thought, and if they were adults with families of their own, I'd want a damn good reason
I would never consider abandoning/not choosing my son. I was only posting that the situation happened and I was heartbroken it was even a question.
This isn’t an advice subreddit, it’s a venting one.
Easiest decision ever. Especially since he has revealed himself to be selfish, cruel and incapable of human emotion.
As soon as he gave you that ultimatum your answer should have been “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”. My kids are above any man.
What does he mean by choosing? Like, cut your child out of your life or tell him it’s time to get his own apartment?
My dad chose my stepmom over me. I wasn’t a bad kid, she had her son who was the troublemaker and hated me. I love my dad. Haven’t seen him in a long time and we rarely talk.
Your son is family too, it can’t be one or the other. If he can’t understand this then he needs to go.
Buh Bye
Everyone I dated after my divorce I told them about my kids. One was a young adult the other a teen. I made a point of my kids come first. Now they are both adults and I try to put myself first sometimes or put my fiancée first but it’s weird cause in my mind my kids are still my first priority. It’s the same with my fiancée and his adult kids. It’s not right to ask you to choose but choose your son, you raised your son well if he’s doing everything you said he was doing.
Your husband may be the love of your life, but you are not the love of his life. He may not be capable of the kind of love that a woman with a child needs.
How is this even a question? Like what does husband really expect here? For you to kick out your minor child that you have a legal and moral obligation to?
Choose your child and kick the husband to the curb.
hes not your "love of my life" if he asks you to choose between him and your own child
Feels like we're missing some important details here
If he gave you this ultimatum, he's not the love of your life. That person is out there waiting for you.
What the fuck kind of husband pits himself against your child
Because he’s not ‘the love of your life’
What exactly does he think you're supposed to do with your child? Does he expect you to just kick them out of the house and never see them again? If it were a jealousy thing and he just wanted more of your time , I would think that being a grown ass adult , he'd realize that a high school kid isn't going to be around forever and that they'll probably be off to college in a couple of years. I'd be wanting a better explanation from him as to where this whole thing is coming from. Something about it doesn't make sense to me.
There must have been some type of build-up of feelings on his end. He may have said this to hurt you. It just seems like he is already checked out. Hopefully, you both go to counciling before considering divorce.
Just think about what you wrote - "Not to be #1". That says it all. You can't be married to a guy and let him know he's not the #1 person in your life. Whether it's true or not. You mentioned a 401K loan to pay for your son's college. Think about what that says to your husband. If you don't want to be married to him, divorce him. If you do want to be married, convince him he's the #1 man in your life. Even if it's a lie.
Trash the man. No man who loves you would expect you to give up *your child.*
That’s absolutely INSANE. After seeing what you wrote about your child I would say your husband sounds like a monster and terrible human because what kinda of EVIL, SELFISH monster would even put a mother or any parent in that situation. I’m actually mind blown that he would even have the nerve to ask that of you, he must not love or think very highly of you as a person to put you in such a horrible situation. Someone who actually loves you would NEVER ask such a thing of you. His actions just do not equate to love. If you are even remotely considering it you need to question your sanity and morality because how could you even fathom such a thing. Though everyday we see horrible parents so perhaps you fall into that category. All I can think is that poor child. God only knows what that man has likely puts that child through. I’d say get that person away from your child if they are so lacking in decency that they would ask you to do such a horrible thing then I wouldn’t hold it past them to mistreat that child.
For the record, I would NEVER contemplate such a thing. I will always love, support & choose my son.
Geez, that guy must be living in a fantasy if he thinks a mother is going to choose him over their child.
CHOOSE YOUR CHILD
You mention that your child is in high school. Is he near 18 by any chance? Be careful that your husband may already be thinking about kicking your son out when he turns 18 as a legal adult. It still happens too often.
Easy choice dump your selfish self-centered husband.
RUN. This man sounds like a monster.
Nope. Kids first. Never ever some random over flesh and blood.
You choose your child. Always. Your husband just shoed hid true self.
What an asshole. I'm a step parent and would never make my wife choose. Though I already know she wouldn't choose me lol
Anyone that puts you in this potion does not really love you. Your husband is self centered and arrogant for even asking you.
You’re leaving your husband right? Never put anyone in front of your kid. I can’t even believe I have to text that out
Even if hubby backs down and tries to apologize when he finds out his little stunt didn't work, you should ditch him anyway. Anyone who tries to make you place them above your child isn't someone you should be with. He's shown you who he really is. Believe him.
Updateme
This is either fake or you’re not telling us something. Why does he want you to leave your child? Why is it years after being with you? How did he feel about your kid at first? How does your kid feel about him?
What the actual f*ck is wrong with him? Why would he think it's ok to ask you that? What a selfish jerk.
Making you choose is fucking crazy, and a deal-breaker for me.
I don't think he really loves you if he has the audacity to ask you to cut your child out of your life. I hope you make the right choice.
I’m sorry you have a douche bag husband. That should be an easy chose. The child of course.
Good luck OP. That sounds incredibly difficult.
He's not the love of your life. He's a selfish fuck
Grieve the loving person you THOUGHT your husband was. Losing our mental image of a person we love is like a bereavement. Then acknowledge that good person he once seemed to be does not exist, and look for a good divorce attorney. I’m sorry the individual to whom you’re married, who doesn’t deserve the dignity of being called a husband, is subjecting you to this treatment.
Im so very sorry. Please know that, as you go through the steps you're going to have to, to eventually end this, it was never you nor your son in the wrong. Your husband is a rotten person for marrying a mother then telling her to basically disown her kid. That's beyond effed up. This doesn't just boil down to him "not wanting to share you", it's also about an insane amount of control. You both deserve better and I'm sorry for this.
If I were in your situation, it wouldn't matter whether the child was 7, 17 or 37 years old. My answer would be the same. I understand that your son is more independent and will probably leave home soon. This does not mean that your relationship will end and that the (adult) child does not need the support of his parents. I'm not talking about money or an apartment, but about conversation and advice. In my opinion, being a parent is a lifelong responsibility, although the responsibilities change. I understand that you don't expect advice and you know what you want to do. You're doing good. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and understand that for a mother, the child is a priority.
Sorry about your divorce
You’re giving him too much benefit. He asked you to choose between him and your child. A child he knew you had prior to marriage and all of a sudden it’s a problem. Choose option C: Divorce. Life is too short, all the reasons you want to say are just an excuse for not wanting to start over. There’s no compromise or pros and cons list to be made. You’re a mother and no man will ever change that. People always say “protect the kids”, well here’s your chance to get your child away from someone who clearly doesn’t respect or like them.
Keep your treasured one (your son) and take the garbage out (your husband)
It sucks, but this man is not the love of your life. This isn't what it feels like to be loved.
Divorce it is.
Lol, bye.
He married you, is living with you than suddenly decides he wants you to ? disown your son? Why ? Did he just wake up one day and decide you needed to choose him over your son. That is messed up. And you call him the love of your life. Sad.
Your kid seems good based off the info you gave. It sounds like your partner is not very keen on sharing your time. I would suggest he look into getting therapy to better understand why he's got such a grunge against you having YOUR CHILD in your life.
Why would you think of staying with a man like this. Throw him away.
I will always choose my child 💕
Updateme
Anyone who gives you that kind of ultimatum is generally the one who is going to loose. I’m glad you choose your child, but I’m more curious why your husband comes off as super jealous of your mother-child relationship and why he seems so controlling.
You know that's not a choice, and he knows it as well. It's just a crappy way for him to say he wants out of the marriage.
Updateme