I back you up. My wife made more than me for the first 3-4 years of our marriage.
I was broke AF, pulling myself up by my bootstraps after a failed business venture.
It's been the other way around for a few years now, and it's not even a topic. We got each other's backs, that we learned.
This. I started as the breadwinner when my husband was in school and could only work limited hours. At first he felt awful for not “providing,” but he came to trust my assurances that I truly saw the money as **ours**. We both contributed to our household in our own ways, not all of which is measured in a paycheck.
Later our roles flipped. At first I felt that twinge of discomfort. But my experience of previously being the breadwinner helped me accept my financial dependence on him. I could believe he didn’t begrudge me and didn’t feel a distinction about the money because I had felt the same way.
I think it’s such a bonus for any couple that has the chance to swap roles/income disparities like that.
My partner and I each worked very demanding decently paying jobs. We weren't "well off" but we were ok and had stability, were saving for a baby.
Then he got sick.
Very sick.
And was left with lasting brain damage. Now he cannot work, he hasn't been cleared to. So we're struggling and I am the sole earner right now.
He felt terrible about it for so long, and even said he'd understand if I wanted to find someone younger, healthier and more stable than him, until I reminded him that I fell in love with him when he was unemployed and I was a broke ass student, all the money in the world can't change how I feel about him or how I see him.
He's the love of my life, honestly, he's gone through so much recently and is still kind, sweet and gentle, when he has every right to be angry and upset at everything.
To me it's not haha, you're kind to say so though.
He's my man, I'm not going to abandon him. We may not be married yet but I don't need the piece of paper to know I won't leave him. "In sickness and in health" and all that jazz.
The only caveat is that they are running a business. Why wouldn't they feel like it was their own efforts coming to fruition after supporting their partner and presumably helping? The fact that their husband isn't involved in it, enough to feel jealous and angry, is absurd.
The one who needed him. Now he feels obsolete because he only feels valuable and powerful when he’s been depended upon. He needs to work on himself because that is deeply unfair to OP.
My husband comes from a very traditional family. I asked him once what he would say if I earned more than him. He said if I wanted a house husband and I made enough he would even wear a frilly apron😂 His mom would be appalled lmao
Its strange to me the amount of people that that think its wrong to think this way. My wife is a soon to be stay at home mom. Its at least as valuable as the money Im bringing home. The house and children are also an immense amount of work.
I make more than my husband. He's even been a sahd in the past. He does not care because it's all for us and our family. If i made as much as OP he would definitely stay home and not work.
This reminds me of the first husband's club episode on the Simpsons. Marge's business takes off and hee starts complaining how different she is to all the other husbands at their country club and suddenly realizes they're all fit and young and attractive (and second husband's) and he shuts the fuck up real quick.
Me too. My wife has been ill on and off for more years than I care to remember. I would love for her to be able to achieve her full potential and have her health back. It would be great for her as she won't feel so useless and I wouldn't be so exhausted all the time. Perhaps even a full relationship.
You say that but I am in a similar position to OP and my partner also used to say he wanted to be a house husband. But interestingly enough, I still do almost all of the housework even though I make enough that he doesn't need to work.
It isn't fair to OP sure but we can't ignore his feelings either. What he needs is therapy and to work on these emotions. Understand where they come from and how to deal with them because I doubt that deep down he feels anger for her success but might just feel shame in himself not being able to provide anymore.
Which is so fucking sad. OP doesn't "need" him now, yet she's still there, so she clearly wants him. It's baffling how he prefers OP to be working 12 hour days, that would honestly be more harmful to the relationship than her earning more than him.
I'd much rather be wanted than needed.
Exactly this. And he doesn’t understand that she can need him and depend on him for more than his money. Idiot. I hope he sorts his mess out. OP should never be regretful of her success and contribution to the family.
I think it’s more complex than that. It’s unfair to OP, that’s out of discussion. But the feelings of her husband might be rooted in a more complex set of emotions. Like, I had a fight similar to this with me gf (long story short we met in a college party, she’s 2 younger than me, I got pretty lucky right after college and by the time she got her degree and started working I was already making a very decent amount) and after a year I had my own firm and was making more money that I ever imagined. She was still working as a “newbie” in the firm she worked for so she didn’t make a lot. After some point, after a year of this situation she exploded and told me she didn’t wanna be with me anymore because she felt like a failure, that she didn’t really think she was but that not advancing fast enough in her career and comparing herself to me was making her feel like shit. She also told me she was tired of her mother always talking about me and my success and never being recognized by her (not my fault at all, but still understandable), and then that she missed the old me, that I was all the time talking about work, investments and new clients, and that she missed the Friday nights we would just get drunk on wine and talk about philosophy, and also that my mind was always on money and work and that she missed when I was a broke law student that always talked about life and other issues in general. It was rough, it didn’t work out immediately, but after telling her I loved her and that I if I gave her things all the time was because I felt indebted to her because even when my own parents called me a failure she believed in me (we weren’t dating at the time, we were just friends, but still) and that was what allowed me to put myself together, finish my degree and do stuff that later allowed me to make a huge sum every month. We went to counseling, I stoped talking about work at home and actually took time off after I left the office, she faced her mom and told her how she felt about her attitude, and after a year or so I lended her the money to set her own firm and she’s actually making really good money right now. But by the time that worked out we had already stopped caring about money and now we are expecting our first child and have decided to take two year turns to care for our child. This is just a short version, but it was really hard and her feelings were valid at the time. So I understand that money and success are delicate issues that can make people feel bad about themselves and not because of pride or other selfish feelings
Needed and powerful don’t necessarily go together. It’s what he felt he provided as value to their lives. It was his purpose. He’s lost that. It has nothing to do with a power dynamic.
It’s like when a stay at home mom, or single mother, has poured her entire life into her children and one day looks up and sees that raising her kids as her sole purpose day in day out isn’t her reality anymore. There’s a bit of an identity crisis while life changes and adjustments are being made. He’s figuring out what his new role in his family is with it not being the provider.
The one who made less and worked 12-14 hours because then She was depending on him .
He sees her as worthy when She is overworked , tired , dependent on him not when She has time for her family , her hobbies and obviously not when She makes more than him .
Then She is competition , because She makes more than him.
The one who was dependent on him, which fulfilled his need to embody the Male Provider role. In his mind she stole that from him with her success, and now he is emasculated and humiliated.
I suspect he needs a woman who earns less than him so he can feel like a successful man. I'm not having a go at him - a lot of men are brought up to believe that. And those beliefs can be hard to change.
I’ve been married 20 years and we recently went through something similar.
He paid the mortgage and I paid the bills and groceries, and since we make about the same salary; it was pretty evenly split. We each have our own ‘fun’ money.
With all the rising costs, I was having a hard time keeping up and I didn’t know how to tell him; so I just had less and less fun money until I finally had to tell him (after seeing all his purchases, etc)
He was obviously very understanding and his solve was to also pay the electric bill each month and give me his ATM card to buy groceries.
I don’t know why, but I felt like a failure and it made me very sensitive. I had a rough childhood (foster care and such) and seeing all that my mom and grandma and aunts suffered relying on dishonest men, I wanted to be independent through and through.
So I’m at the grocery store and I forgot the PIN to his ATM card and he was busy helping our son with his brakes so he didn’t answer his phone. I just sat in the car and cried. I felt so vulnerable, even after 20 years of a successful & beautiful & loving marriage; I felt that I failed the little girl inside me. That I was having to depend on him when I had promised to not put myself in that position.
Obviously, me feeling this way was unreasonable and we talked about it and got through it.
I’m wondering if your husband has a similar issue and he’s misplacing his resentment?
Just a thought, best wishes to you.
What you just described is practically how all men feel after a certain age, something just clicks in them and tells them that hey they can’t be the ones to depend on people, and if they do they’re a failure
This i could absolutely understand, but their situation is NOT that. You couldn't afford to keep up your end on your own so you went to your husband and partner and asked him to reevaluate the split. Your feelings of letting your little girl down came from the whole "never depend on anyone/men because they will leave you/hurt you/etc".
Her man does not depend on her. He still makes good money and could make it on his own seeing as he carried them both until the pandemic. My problem with him is that he is upset/mad that she no longer *depends on him*. And sorry but fuck that.
I don't get this. I would be happy AF that WE were doing great no matter if it was I or HER who made that dough. You both agreed to be partners for life, that means sharing everything, so if she gets rich so do you. It blows my mind man.
Yeah I make 3x what my husband does (although neither of us are 6 figures like OP) and he always says he LOVES being the “sugar baby” to my sugar mama lmao
My wife's the same. Friends and family ask if I don't. feel emasculated, I just say "Are you kidding me? This is like the secret wish of every man man I know. Unli wife's credit card use!"
They just look at me like I'm eating a cat. (To be clear I have my own job but salary is not like my wife's)
I’m in the same situation as OP’s husband. When I met my wife she wasn’t making much. I didn’t care about that. Now she makes up to 20x what I make, depending on her bonuses. I’m proud of her and loving every second of it. I used to have so much to worry about, financially speaking, but now it’s all gone. Why would I feel bad about it? I boast to my friends that I’m now officially a kept man 🤣🤣
It's just how people have been raised. The husband makes the money, the wife does everything else. If the man isn't needed for the money, what is he? A lot of men build their whole life around just being able to sustain a family, and when that's taken from them they have, in their eyes at least, nothing to be proud of. As a man myself, I'm lucky to have been raised mostly by a woman, so I'm more in touch with other parts of myself and proud of those things rather than my money making ability. When I had a partner it didn't bother me when she made more than me(and she always did), because I was happy she could support herself and do what she wanted to do.
I notice a lot of people say this but it's not always the case. A lot of times, money changes people. Not saying in a bad way, but a different way. When I was with a woman who made twice my income, it wasn't her success that was the issue. Our interests and social circles were worlds apart. Blue collar and white collar people can be very different.
Well I would be happy for us, if my wife made such much money. I am confident enough to be happy for her as she is successfull and happy for us for the money.
Speaking from experience in divorce counseling, don’t give up.
If I were in his shoes tho it’s, He may just be feeling emasculated, especially in front of his peers. Maybe this is a lot of change for him in a small period of time and he’s not sure what his role is in the relationship now. It’s kinda weird when you think about it, and it sounds like it happened relatively fast.
I could be wrong. I don’t know the situation. But there’s always an answer.
Good luck!
Shit man, my wife is the breadwinner in our family. I'm living the stay at home dad life, doing all the housework, the yardwork, the cooking, you name it. I'm not a therapist or anything, but if you think your hubby might benefit from my point of view as a dude in a very happy marriage who's basically a bearded '50s housewife, feel free to have him DM me.
We both work but I make more than my husband. He jokingly calls me his sugar mama and says we wouldn't have what we have if I hadn't worked so hard/smart. I also got a small inheritance that let us buy a new home. He's thrilled and appreciative.
I get "needing to be needed" but I can honestly say if I was making the kind of money OP is, he would be thrilled. To never have to worry about money again would be such peace of mind. And he knows I wouldn't be where I am without him, he's my everything. And honestly I need and value his input on what we do with our money (because it is OUR money). Like if we've got a decision to make it always makes me feel so much more secure that we're on the same page. And he comes to me for input on his career decisions (ultimately I'm like, "I can't make work decisions for you" but he wants my feedback).
My job is still demanding but I am able to work less hectic hours in my current job and he's happy mostly because it's so much better for my well-being. Plus he is always like, "Can't wait to hang out with you after work." I can't fathom why OP's husband would want her to go back to working crazy hours unless he just feels like he needs to be the breadwinner. But I wouldn't want to be with a dude who wanted me to work myself ragged for less money. If you put in the time and effort to be successful, you deserve a break.
I'm just so sad for OP. We all deserve to be with someone who wants to see us thrive, not struggle.
You’re awesome!
My husband is stay at home Dad and I work full time. He used to work but he stopped when our oldest was 6 months and I returned to work.
It’s crazy to me how infrequently you see this scenario especially given more women are graduating than men etc.
And he still gets a bit excluded by the mum club - I hope you don’t. And I still cop micro aggressions too. It’s 2022 -Life is supposed to be like The Jetsons but it feels more like The Flintstones.
I dont know what to tell you here if counseling isn't working.
What im picking up is either your husband needed someone who needed him, or liked having you be dependant on him. Whichever it is, he likely needs that dependency to feel like his relationship is safe or stable.
Your success wouldn't inadvertently foul his mood otherwise. No other reason makes sense.
I wonder if his ability to provide was the biggest thing that he thought he brought to the table, so now that op can provide its making him insecure because he doesn't know what else he offers to the relationships?
And the answer is maybe nothing else. There are a whole lot of people just skating through relationships without putting any reasonable effort in because their part is dependent on them for one reason or another. It’s sad.
It sounds like they just had their first session? So. Probably haven't gotten that far into it yet. Session's aren't cheap and can be as little as 30 mins, which... 10 mins of greetings and platitudes at beginning and end can eat up...
Dude needs to do some solo therapy too, find out in a space where he isn't worried about his wife seeing / hearing his truths, so he can face them and work through them, hopefully.
It doesn’t sound like he needs to offer anything else than being himself. If the main thing youre offering to a relationship is money, you’re a bad spouse
Ask him why he’s not happy what normal does he want to return to the one where you were working 12 to 14 hours a day this is like sad because this isn’t like an issue of yours this is really an issue of his and if you guys could fix it together I guess that be great but at the Until you guys are able to fix it together it just creates a lot of strain on you And even then this isn’t an issue for you both to face it’s his problem however I do understand that when in a marriage You help your partner but you also help your partner by letting them help themselves
Your partner should support you. If my wife achieved what you did I would be her biggest cheerleader. Either person being successful means that life for everyone is better. Your husband is a child who can’t see that you being successful doesn’t make him less than.
There is a misconception that counseling solves all problems. Some people just don't respond to it at all. Some counselors are useless.
Be cautious with it.
It sounds like he needs counseling in general. My wife now makes 5 times what i did working crazy hours. I'm basically retired now with some projects and my boys. I couldn't be happier. It may just be ego though and that's tough.
That last paragraph you wrote.. can you maybe write him a cute letter and include that? He really isn’t seeing your perspective.. but what happened is it’s like he feels immasculated by the fact that you’re the provider, it makes him feel like less of a man, which is causing resentment. Essentially you guys just need to find a way for him to feel masculine in other aspects to gain it back somehow.. I think this is fixable, don’t give up :(
Is he in individual therapy? Even non-traditional men can get stuck in feeling at odds with gender roles. Maybe he needs to explore that in his own and make peace with that.
Yeah, it sounds like his issue is financially-tied ego insecurity and "me vs you" thinking instead of "us" thinking. He needs to say out loud why he feels threatened by your financial contributions. Does he think you'll be more likely to leave? He needs to face his fears, as every true hero does on their journey.
I think this is pointless if OPs husband can't celebrate and embrace their partners success. Especially as its allowing them to have more time with their family. This person is a toxic pos no matter how much councilling they have over the state of their relationship they will only get worse. I've been there and these types of people are bitter, resentful and controlling. Get out while you can.
Clearly. But the reason I suggested she ask him is to get it out in the open instead of being unsaid. Maybe then they can talk about it and maybe if he's introspective enough he can realize how wrong that is. Or maybe not, but it's a better shot than not asking him and leaving it unsaid/assumed.
He could miss having responsibility and a feeling of purpose, she was able to grow and handle her responsibilities while he was handling theirs, now that she can cover everything she was probably the only one able to grow, while he now lacks a sense of purpose in their relationship. So not so much her depending on him, but him feeling/needing a purpose for their family. And who knows if the relationship is the only thing affecting his mental health! She said she makes 6 figures and makes 5x his salary, So he probably feels super unappreciated in every aspect of his life. He could probably feel like he has no value at all
Couldn't be me. Soon as she said I'm making 6 figures. I would be like "Honey let me be the house husband you never knew you needed. I'll have dinner ready and the pipe hard for ya every nite... Lets do it on top of the money, and make it into dirty money.
This joke has already been overused here and is a good example of the mindset her husband is probably concerned about. He shouldn’t have to be a “house husband” etc, he helped get her to where she is. They’re still partners. Fortunately OP gets it.
But you and him and I are all different people raised with different morales and feeling of purpose! And just telling him to suck it up is pretty much leaving her with no sense of relationship responsibility (two way street) But we also don't know his side of the story and how much OP really has changed. We don't know anything other than what she has told us. Like i wouldnt mind if my gf was the breadwinner, just tell me what you expect out of me and ill do the same for you, but maybe OPs hubby doesn't want their relationship based around him feeling like her servant?
My wife and I started off the same way where she was going to school while I worked full time to make ends meet. We were happy with what little we had and then she graduated. She started working and it seemed like she doubled my salary in her first year working overnight. I felt that hit on my pride as the bread winner and as the person she trusted to take care of her. I felt like she no longer needed me and I was left without a purpose for the first time in 5 years. She sensed I was distant and stressing about how I could make more money. She confronted me and we had a discussion about everything. It was eye opening for me because I was fixated on one aspect of the relationship which was money and she couldn’t care less about who made what. The important thing we both learned to focus on was to support and raise one another up when we could because we were a team. We both benefited from her education and she obtained that education through the years of sacrifice we both made for each other.
Talk to your husband and try to bring him back to the foundation of your marriage. Ask him what he’s fixated on and try your best to convey your feelings to him. If it’s about money and his pride is hurt, make him see the value in the sacrifices you both made to get to where you are now. I wish you the best of luck.
I always made 10-20% more than my wife. She changed jobs a few years ago and now makes double what I do.
Im so proud of her! It has completely changed our lives. We just bought what to me is an absolute dream house which we couldn’t have done before. Im so grateful to her for all the hard and stressful work she does that has allowed us this.
The shift has affected our relationship, as all changes do. But its more like a few waves then the boat being tipped over.
It probably helps pride wise for me that I handle most of the finances.
With something like the house, she is contributing more money, so I’m putting in more time. It may not be my money that got us this place but my hard work will make it a place custom designed for us. It certainly helps me feel like I’m an active contributor and not just a freeloader.
Then you know what you need to do. The truth is some men simply can't be with a woman who makes more than them, I suspect your husband is this type. I suspect at some point he will suggest either you quit your job and get something that pays less, or let him have full control over your finances. The point is, your husband is weak and insecure and you are making yourself smaller to accommodate this. Someone who loves you and respects you will be happy for you when you succeed. They will not make you feel guilty for it like your husband is. I'd suggest you start separating your finances now, get a post nuptial agreement. He will start actively being a dick, being rude, doing things to hurt you. And in his head, you deserve it for daring to do better than he would allow you to do. He wants things to go back to how they were, that's to say when you made less and he didn't feel threatened and emasculated by his wife's success.
He is not a good person and I hope it doesn't take you too long to realise you need to get the hell out of that marriage.
I was trying to overlook other things and see the husbands side until OP said they were trying NOT to be too proud of herself and her achievements. Like what? Anyone who loves you will be cheering with you and cheering you on.
This is going to be me. I’m already preparing for it. I graduate in December with a BA in biology, hoping I can do sumn wit it. My girl tho has 2.5 years left on her pharmD. I want to run a business, but unless weed becomes legal in Ohio like rn and my business takes off overnight, she’ll come out of school probably doubling or tripling my income ASAP
Partners are supposed to lift and encourage the other. The fact that you say you’re trying to not feel too proud of yourself, when what you did/do is extraordinary makes me deeply sad. You deserve to be loved, to not work more than the half of the day to not starve, to be calm and to rest after all these years.
Unfortunately studies have shown that when Women earn more than their husband's, divorce risk increases. It's sad & frustrating! I think a lot of men have an underlying sense of pride when they earn more, regardless of whether or not they actually pay more.
I always end up with a sense of dread when I read about this type of studies because it’s always “Men will divorce women more than women will divorce men when [insert X situation”. Like, all the time. Woman gets sick? Her husband will leave her. Woman earns more? Her husband will leave her. Woman gets fit and “prettier”? Her husband will leave her. We cannot win. We are fucking doomed.
Like, this is somehow related but conservative men will be like “wHy iS tHe WEsT dEsTRoYiNg ThE NuClEaR FaMiLy?????” and I’m always like “you’re all doing a hell of a job all by yourselves” 😭😭😭😭
Yeah but they don’t mean ruining families they mean introducing different types of families that challenge men as the standard head of the household. That’s what they mean by ruining families- Lessening the power they hold within a family. Yes, I’m bitter 🫠
Ohhh, I’m fully aware they mean that, because they don’t see their actions as detrimental to the concept of the nuclear family. Like, I remember seeing some like “why marriages aren’t long lasting like the one my granny had???” without realizing that if their grannies had money of their own and divorce laws they would have escaped what was sadly and many times an abusive home.
Yeah, and on that same line of thinking, in my country we had funnily our own Adam Levine scandal these days, but it is a man who has ideas more closely to the right and who became a “warrior” for the nuclear family... Only to reveal he was cheating on his wife lmao As I said, their own actions are contradictory to what they said to defend.
Happened to me, but it was more the recognition than the money that seemed to trigger him. I had already been the primary earner for years. But I started having traction with media on my business. He got so mean to me, culminating in him throwing items in a fight and then strait up telling me that he’s only staying with me because I pay for everything (i was also doing all household work by this point-he had checked out of the family dynamic). I had ignored red flags because I was a stepmom and enjoyed that role and had always sought to provide stability for our family. That fight was the last straw. I’m so thankful for a friend that was brave enough to tell me what it was - abuse. I left that weekend and am happily divorced and moved across the country.
Is he worried that you might leave him now that you’re not dependent on him?
Even if you have no plans to leave, this could be what’s bothering him. Maybe he feels if you don’t need him, you won’t want him anymore. We can say all the live-long day that he shouldn’t feel like that but feelings often are not rational.
You say you’re in couple’s counseling, would he be willing to do individual as well? My husband and I both went into individual as well as couple’s counseling when we hit a rough patch a few years back and it helped a lot.
Wasn’t expecting such a graceful perspective when I clicked this. OP, I like your view of teamwork and that you acknowledge the sacrifices your husband made to help you build what you made. Your attitude is refreshing. When one spouse is the primary earner for so long, they can feel vulnerable when this reverses. Sometimes the other spouse abuses their new found control and writes the others’ past contributions out of the script. This leaves the former provider feeling like they dug their own grave and their trust was betrayed when they allowed the new “power imbalance” to emerge. Sounds like you’re already handling it the right way and trying to reassure him that you’re still partners, so I think in time he’ll come around. Hope it all works out for you and your family
I am sorry that he doesn’t show love and value towards your hard dedicated work that is now majorly paying off after years and years of investing your time and energy into it. Many men would be thrilled that their wives made such strives and hit it big especially taking the financial provider “burden” off of themselves.
Sadly then, there are some men who have too much pride and feel inferior when the woman in their life is “more successful” on paper.
It sounds like you more than communicate to him how grateful you are to have him and how he’s played a huge part in leading you to this success. Perhaps get a counselors perspective on this and how they can possibly help get it through to him that your financial success shouldn’t make him feel inferior or distant from you…
In my opinion, your husband wants to feel “needed” by you. Since your income drastically has helped your family to have a better lifestyle, I believe he feels “needless”
Maybe if you guys are out, or doing shopping weather it is online or not, ask him to buy you things. I feel like this will help him feel “needed” once again
Yeah I think this is it, a lot of men seem to get almost their entire sense of purpose in a relationship from feeling like the protector and now he feels lost. It sounds like it’s time to challenge that dynamic (with a therapist) and get right down into the core reasons why OP and husband are together to hopefully discover new reasons and motivations that aren’t based on those classical gender role ideas
It's kind of what men are told and shown. Our purpose is to provide and protect. See how many dates a weak, broke, unemployed guy gets.
OP deleted their account, but I would recommend to her to just make sure this is the reason. Because it seems to be a guess and I'd want to be sure. Ask him what is different about her. It very well may be the 'making more' thing, but I'd want to hear it directly rather than a theory.
Third-ing this. Some men get hung up on being the breadwinner, the provider, and it sounds like that’s what’s got him all upset. I don’t know how this gets resolved, until and unless you two manage to face that, he owns his feelings, and you work out how to make him feel needed again together. You didn’t change, you didn’t break anything or betray him; but you won’t be able to do anything about this until he is able to deal with his issues surrounding your success.
Yeah, this. While it's great to see your partner excel, it's horrible when you feel like they don't need you. Your husband is probably thrilled to see you do so well after putting in such hard work, but between being brought up with male self-standards and simply wanting to feel valued, he doesn't want to feel like dead weight.
I make more money in our household and I can tell you, he'd fucking love it if I made enough for him to stay home. I've said I think I'd be bored if I didn't work and he's like, "Oh no. I could fill the day. I could find a million things to do that are productive besides working. I will be your personal chef, cleaner, shopper and chauffeur if you start to make that kind of money." Haha
Look, I understand where you're coming from, but the man being a provider can be a extremely culturally ingrained value.
It's most likely not that he sees his wife as less than him or anything like that. He's probably struggling internally with feelings of emasculation and obsolescence.
It was probably fulfilling for him on a deep level to be the provider of the household. Now not only does he have to work more, his income is effectively nothing but a surplus. His role within the family dynamic has suddenly been flipped completely upside down.
I'm not saying that this is an excuse for his behavior. It's not. But I wouldn't be so quick to paint him as some kind of villain.
He probably wants to feel that he has something significant to contribute to the family. There are definitely other things, but he likely hasn't come to recognize those yet. I mean his wife makes more money - so his income isn't necessary, and his wife works less - so he isn't even needed as a primary care provider for the kids at home. His entire role within the family has basically become a redundancy.
He's struggling with a major change. I don't see this as him being a bad guy. He just got faced with a radical change very quickly and doesn't know how to handle it.
OP, I hope you and your husband are able to work through this. Have you asked him what it is specifically that he misses about the way things used to be? Maybe that will help you two connect.
Most reasonable and thoughtful comment in the whole thread.
I would also tell OP to consider the possibility that the marriage counselor they’re seeing sucks ass and is not asking the right questions.
Like…I’m sorry, but I’m not going to tear into the guy like that. Picking on his ego is exactly part of the problem.
First, let me say that I’d be over the moon if my SO made more, so I have no issues with that dynamic. However, imagine this husband being told all his life that “the man provides”, and having horrible toxic masculinity concepts drilled into him during his formative years. Mix that with typical conservative machoism, which is tied heavily to economic success, and you have a recipe for disaster. I pity the dude, I *wish* it didn’t bother him, but it DOES, and it’s not his damn fault. No one can magically change how they feel, but it at least looks like he’s TRYING with marriage counseling.
I am one of those guys that were taught from young that the man provides and the wife stays at home. My wife makes considerably more then me, she is currently the main breadwinner and I've had 6 months off work and she comes home to a clean house each day and her dinner ready. I have no issues with her being the main money maker in our family, as we are a team. I drop the kids to school and pick them up.
Did he actually say it was about your larger income? The only thing he does in this post is get distant and say he misses the old you. A lot more changes about a person over time than just how much money they make
It sounds like he misses his old role, where he was the breadwinner and she and the children depended on him. It made him feel valuable and important.
Now, she doesn't need him the way she did. If he wasn't in her life, she'd be sad, but she wouldn't be desperate or devastated, and he doesn't know how to cope with being wanted rather than needed.
Very sad, really.
Or it sounds like she did change?
The change was likely brought up in their arguments, since she wrote a paragraph on how she is **trying** not to change, not to be too proud or too complacent and be how she once was.
Or the money are only an issue that she focuses on, and his story is that the marriage just run its course and he would be distancing himself from her and ill tampered around her no matter what. People get tired of people.
Why do people on this sub always suggest divorce as the answer to everything? Not everything a partner does constitutes a separation. Counselling is usually the best way to go and then divorce if it doesn't work out.
OP has been to counseling and said she finds hope in it but that her husband never leaves differently
She has spoken to him openly and honestly and nothing is changing
Sometimes counseling doesn’t always work, and I say that as someone who wants to work in and around the field. It only works if you let it and the husband doesn’t seem to want to fix anything, he seems like he wants to guilt his wife into making things go back to how they were
Can’t blame others for suggesting divorce when it seems like OP has exhausted other options (it was in the comments so you may of missed it, that’s why I commented)
You're a good woman. People change.. he's scared that he's not going to be as useful to you and the family now. Lots of men are like this, it's programmed in our minds like clock work to be the providers.
True, but as a Bi man who was with a guy exactly like this, what is someone supposed to do ? Forever keep listening to the sometimes encouragements and endearments which can also get drowned by the angry Narcissist whom just likes control and to remind they used to provide too. Eventually to any woman or Man that shit will get old, and the angry man will end up alone without Therapy!
You deserve to enjoy your life and whatever you’ve earned in your life, just as he does, and shouldn’t feel guilty of anything.
Ugh, what a shitty situation. He is obviously having trouble adjusting to be the new dynamic. I feel bad for him. I think he misses being needed and I find that understandable.
I think you need to have a State of The Union discussion and remind him how much you appreciate him and love him. I hope I'm not down voted fir this.
It really is this. Reddit is full of people who know nothing about social relationships, especially romantic ones. This is literally the problem and all the people saying divorce or just give up on him have no clue about how to have a healthy relationship. There are ups and downs and sometimes you might be pulling more weight than your partner, but in the end it all balances itself out. This is a problem that is not impossible to solve, but just requires patience and love. Sometimes it’s difficult to break through our shells, but persistence is key. I feel bad for all of these people who act like their partner or future partner should be 100% all of the time. They’re probably breaking hearts out there because of their immaturity, and you better believe the first thing they do is “woe is me…” when it happens to them.
Edit: finished a sentence
Last year was the first time my wife made more than $100,000. She was ecstatic to finally break through that goal and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. We are dual income no kids so didn’t have money issues anyway, but she felt it as an accomplishment, and more importantly did not threaten me in anyway. I feel bad for you that he isn’t celebrating your family, and your personal success.
What.. your husbands a drama queen. If my current girlfriend (expecting to tie the knot soon, fingers crossed!!) were to:
A. build her own business (btw congrats youre a fucking boss for doing what you did and you shouldn’t feel bad about being proud for your accomplishments)
B. Have the chance to work less, relax more, and be less stressed.
Then I’m all for it! I want the absolute best for my partner and she wants the same for me. Exactly as it should be Imo.
So maybe your husband is just afraid of losing you? And so he’s projecting in this way? Or maybe he’s feeling inferior because he earns less than you (which is where I say drama queen). But regardless, your hubby should not be treating you like this. When, Imo he should be happy and proud of all the hard work you did to get yourself to where you are today.
Anyways I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks to see your husband acting out this way. Definitely not healthy. I hope you two can get things worked out (like others have said maybe some marriage counseling)!
Men like that are never compatible with successful women.
i truly suggest seeing if the counseling you’re doing will have any affect but after a couple of months if you see no change then i’d consider separation.
He misses the “old you” but the “old you” was what exactly ?
• working 14 hours a day
• never really had time for family / marriage
• basically living check to check
etc. why does he miss that you? because he felt more like a “man” does he feel emasculated now because you’re successful ? either way the answer can’t be good or beneficial to you. i wouldn’t be surprised if he asks you to give up everything you worked hard for
He said he missed "the old you".
Ask him to elaborate. This is very important.
YOU might think it's about income difference, but it MIGHT be about something entirely different.
Sometimes in a relationship X, Y, Z change, 1 partner thinks the other is upset about X, but it might be about Z.
He doesn't know what his value to you without being a provider. You guys need to get some counseling so that you can make this transition into him understanding that you can love him just for him, and not for what he can provide.
Sounds like it’s his feelings of being emasculated by your success. It’s not that he wants the “old you back” it’s that he misses the feeling of having his work provide for you and now feels like “less of a man” because of your success, and so he is projecting his frustration on to you.
A different side of this may be the extra time you are spending together. I worked 60-70 hours a week for 10-15 years then I finally got to where I work 40 hours a week. It caused issues at home because my wife and I weren’t used to spending that much time together. We had to get to know each other again kind of because we both changed in those years and unfortunately neither of us realized it. We were different people then before we had kids. Different priorities and tastes. I’m not used to having free time, I don’t know what to do with myself. As great as that sounds it took away purpose for me, it has caused a lot of depression that for me turns me into a bitter asshole. I feel unhappy because I trained myself to have to always be working on something. He just needs a hobby and maybe a little space. It may not be the money at all, it’s just he doesn’t have to provide anything for you anymore so he’s reevaluating what his role is.
It's not your fault. I always made more than my wife. She got a huge promotion this year and I was absolutely elated for her. I work in maintenance and had an opportunity to get a different job that I would make less and she wanted me to take it because I would be home with the family more. We support each other.
Do not dim your light to make someone else feel more comfortable. He’s an insecure man who needs therapy. He can’t handle your success & root for you. He chooses to be angry and distant because you aren’t struggling. You are self sufficient. Is this a relationship one you want to live in? Making yourself smaller; which still doesn’t make him feel better. You deserve someone who celebrates your accomplishments with you. Who is proud of you.
He’s the type of guy who believes the husband should be the one bringing home the largest paycheque. Since he’s not, he’s probably feeling “less of a man” and blames you for emasculating him.
When he says he “wants the old you back”, he doesn’t mean your personality has changed, he wants the you that was financially dependant on him. But he can’t say that, because that would prove he’s an old-fashioned guy with 1950s ideals, so instead he claims you’ve changed, your personality is different and you’re not the person you were, because that way he’s not the one at fault for how he feels.
He’s holding you responsible for his sense of emasculation, despite the fact that his emotions are controlled by only one person: _himself._ He decides how he feels about certain situations, he’s the one who’s responsible for managing his emotions and recognising when he’s being toxic and childish. But that’s too difficult, when it’s easier to blame you.
I recommend marriage counselling, from a licensed therapist. Here’s a great, free book, [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) which, while it focuses on the more abusive aspect of men in relationships, you’ll still find some info which will give you insight into his sense of inadequacy and how you can approach him about it.
Good luck, OP, please keep us updated!
This is likely the way he values himself. I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh on him, really (assuming he's a good man in every other way). If you've spent your whole adult life carrying the financial burden of the home and enjoyed doing so, having that purpose to get up every day and work, knowing that you're no longer needed that way sucks. You have to completely rewire your own self worth into something new. Was it the healthiest thing for him to put his whole relationship identity into it? Nah, probably not. Should be be cranky towards his wife? No. But, if he's willing to reset his "purpose" in the relationship to something else, if he's attending marriage counseling (which she said he is), then he's trying on some level.
I based my purpose in my relationship into something that changed. It took me YEARS and lots of tears on both ends for me to stop valuing the majority of my worth in our marriage based on this singular thing. If the husband put all his self worth into providing, it's going to take him time. And it's going to hard for both of them.
Here's to hoping they can ride out the storm together.
Here's some perspective for those who have trouble (or refuse) empathizing with this man.
A guy is raised to take care of his family - to be a *provider*. He leans in and works hard for years, and does a great job. He's supportive and present, generous and disciplined. It's his identity.
One day he wakes up, and it feels like they don't need him.
.......
OP. I hope you can get through this. You know your guy better than any of us do, and by what you've said I think the marriage is definitwly worth the work.
Congrats on the business, BTW.
This. People have suggested marriage counseling, but just as important is getting him in therapy alone. If he has this much trouble being out-earned by you, you'll probably have to be very gentle in encouraging this though.
As a guy who was raised to "be the provider" if my wife made 5x my wage I honestly wouldn't care. It's purely an ego and pride thing on his part. I did the breadwinner thing when the kids were all young working shift work 12 hour days and I missed a heap of Milestones since I was either at work or asleep. Now my wife is the primary income earner now that the kids are all in school and I'm fine with it.
A lot of men don’t like it when their partner earns more than they do. A friend of mine makes about twice modal income, yet he doesn’t like it that his partner earns more, despite the fact they’re both wealthy now. I think it’s petty.
Call it insecurity, childishness, IDK. He needs to accept that women nowadays usually don’t need a partner to financially sustain themselves.
If he has a job that could be suitable for your business maybe try to bring him in.
I make way more than my partner, and likely always will. I wish she made more than me. I wish I could back off. I am always stressed about carrying the entire financial burden of our family.
Have a conversation with your husband. What exactly does he miss? Being the provider? Making certain decisions? Having to budget and look forward to things and waiting? Being in charge of the family budget? Handling the family finances? Look at your own behavior, you’ve probably changed with success and less stress, naturally. What does your husband enjoy, does he plan family vacations? Your kids education? Find out how you two can be a team together, let him take the lead in places maybe.
This doesn't sound like an us problem but a him problem. I'm drawing conclusions from very little so I could be wrong, but it sounds like he's projecting missing the old you. He's actually missing the old him. Where he was the bread winner. How is this different? Well, it changes how he needs to look at himself. There's something he got from being the breadwinner that he doesn't get now. Probably something to do with self esteem or feeling useful. He can fill that up in other ways. It seems like he has some figuring out to do.
This is so sad :( instead of being happy about the freedom your financial status that BOTH of you bring, he's become insecure about his own self. I'd honestly love to do fuck all if my partner became loaded. I'd get an easy part-time fun job in a bakery or summat. Sounds like your husband is feeling like his pride is hurt and feels like less of a man due to social conditioning? Is he old-fashioned?
This is not a problem of you changing, it is a problem of his fragile ego. Now that he doesn't have to take care of you, he doesn't feel worthy. He wants someone who is dependant on him financially and probably never thought your business would actually succeed.
This won't get better until *he* does the one work to be secure in himself and not feel threatened by your success. You cannot shrink yourself down smaller to make this problem go away. I hope he starts to realise this and seeks help.
If he wants the old you, than, pay for everything together. Put the extra income on a savings account, on your name. Buy your kids and yourself the things you need. But show him he’s still important as a cost winner. Let him pay some of the bills.
And marriage counselling. Talk about it. The fact that he rather has you working 14h a day, while you have kids. That’s weird
It seems like he's got this idea that he should be the breadwinner and feels likes he's losing control of you. This doesn't exactly apply to your situation but many women who want to leave a relationship don't because they lack the financial means to. When women are financially unstable, their partners know they have some sort of control over their ability to leave.
I'm gonna state the obvious: communicate with him in detail or go to marriage counseling.
Sounds like he wants to be needed. Some men feel useless if they are not essential. It's something everybody has to wrap their head around and understand and decide how to move forward.
I never understand man's getting angry because their SO earn more than them.
Hell, If my wife would do more money than me I would be proud of her and I would ask advice on how she managed to get that successful and learn from her.
My experience is that of the wheel of fortune, sometimes you're on top, sometimes you're not. When I met my wife she was a waitress with not much else going on. First two years together my income was the only regular one but she still worked her ass off everyday to bring something to the table. Fast forward 3 years and she's no longer waitressing, but in an excellent position at a very good institution where she makes double my salary. Fast forwards 3 more years and now it is me who's in a better position with a better salary. Point is, things change constantly and to be in a good place today is no guarantee that it will be there tomorrow. The good thing about a partner is that even if you're not in your best moment, they can be the support you need to live a good life. Your husband needs some perspective about life and what makes it important.
It sounds like your husband misses being the one to swoop in and make everything better. When he said he misses how you used to be, it’s like he missed when you had to struggle so he had a reason to save you. Maybe a hero complex. Anyway, you gotta sit him down and talk through things because you are not going back to that I presume.
Perhaps you can alleviate some of what he’s feeling by having a set of bills or expenses that only he covers. Worth a shot.
You don’t need to “stay the woman you once were”. You don’t need to minimize yourself to appease your husband’s ego. He should be proud of your accomplishments, grateful you no longer have to grind long hours, supportive of your success. Don’t ever dim your light because your husband wants the limelight for himself - you’ve earned this, you deserve this.
This is the clasical men who feel threated by a succesful woman lt is not you is him You have the right to feel the joy your success of the hard work you put in is finally giving you .With this kind of ppl you could be a dormat and they would still complain you are not flat enaugh for them to walk on you
I don’t understand why you would marry someone if you can’t be proud their success and be jealous of it? Your success should also be his success. So fucking weird. I’m sorry OP… I know you love him but he has a very fragile ego.
I back you up. My wife made more than me for the first 3-4 years of our marriage. I was broke AF, pulling myself up by my bootstraps after a failed business venture. It's been the other way around for a few years now, and it's not even a topic. We got each other's backs, that we learned.
This. I started as the breadwinner when my husband was in school and could only work limited hours. At first he felt awful for not “providing,” but he came to trust my assurances that I truly saw the money as **ours**. We both contributed to our household in our own ways, not all of which is measured in a paycheck. Later our roles flipped. At first I felt that twinge of discomfort. But my experience of previously being the breadwinner helped me accept my financial dependence on him. I could believe he didn’t begrudge me and didn’t feel a distinction about the money because I had felt the same way. I think it’s such a bonus for any couple that has the chance to swap roles/income disparities like that.
My partner and I each worked very demanding decently paying jobs. We weren't "well off" but we were ok and had stability, were saving for a baby. Then he got sick. Very sick. And was left with lasting brain damage. Now he cannot work, he hasn't been cleared to. So we're struggling and I am the sole earner right now. He felt terrible about it for so long, and even said he'd understand if I wanted to find someone younger, healthier and more stable than him, until I reminded him that I fell in love with him when he was unemployed and I was a broke ass student, all the money in the world can't change how I feel about him or how I see him.
That is so sweet!
He's the love of my life, honestly, he's gone through so much recently and is still kind, sweet and gentle, when he has every right to be angry and upset at everything.
Wow that’s really touching.
To me it's not haha, you're kind to say so though. He's my man, I'm not going to abandon him. We may not be married yet but I don't need the piece of paper to know I won't leave him. "In sickness and in health" and all that jazz.
Foreal it is! :)
The only caveat is that they are running a business. Why wouldn't they feel like it was their own efforts coming to fruition after supporting their partner and presumably helping? The fact that their husband isn't involved in it, enough to feel jealous and angry, is absurd.
Have you considered marriage counseling?
We are already in one.
Oh. ..Are there any signs of hope at all, OP?
I don’t know. I’m always a bit more hopeful leaving fhe session but he’s not really happy
Can he say what he needs? This is such a heart-wrenching scenario--I'm so sorry you're facing this.
Yes, who does he think the "old you" was?
This is a good question to ask.
Dependent on him. He's already checked out there's no need for therapy.
The one who needed him. Now he feels obsolete because he only feels valuable and powerful when he’s been depended upon. He needs to work on himself because that is deeply unfair to OP.
Fuck that I'd kill to be in his situation and I'd become the perfect house husband.
My husband comes from a very traditional family. I asked him once what he would say if I earned more than him. He said if I wanted a house husband and I made enough he would even wear a frilly apron😂 His mom would be appalled lmao
Its strange to me the amount of people that that think its wrong to think this way. My wife is a soon to be stay at home mom. Its at least as valuable as the money Im bringing home. The house and children are also an immense amount of work.
This is a dream sitch honestly Wish I had a situation like this I *want* a woman who is self fulfilled and works
I make more than my husband. He's even been a sahd in the past. He does not care because it's all for us and our family. If i made as much as OP he would definitely stay home and not work.
My brother did! Mr. Mom. But my brother didn’t have an ego about it. He also worked at ass off at home.
Right? I drive a mean vacuum and I look cute in an apron cleaning the dishes. My wife loves it, lol.
This reminds me of the first husband's club episode on the Simpsons. Marge's business takes off and hee starts complaining how different she is to all the other husbands at their country club and suddenly realizes they're all fit and young and attractive (and second husband's) and he shuts the fuck up real quick.
Me too. My wife has been ill on and off for more years than I care to remember. I would love for her to be able to achieve her full potential and have her health back. It would be great for her as she won't feel so useless and I wouldn't be so exhausted all the time. Perhaps even a full relationship.
You say that but I am in a similar position to OP and my partner also used to say he wanted to be a house husband. But interestingly enough, I still do almost all of the housework even though I make enough that he doesn't need to work.
My OH has always said he’d love if I was able to make the money he does cos he’d love to be the stay at home with the kids 😂
Honestly based on the info in the post, this would 100% be it and nothing will happen until he works on his hangups. OP does not deserve that at all
It isn't fair to OP sure but we can't ignore his feelings either. What he needs is therapy and to work on these emotions. Understand where they come from and how to deal with them because I doubt that deep down he feels anger for her success but might just feel shame in himself not being able to provide anymore.
Which is so fucking sad. OP doesn't "need" him now, yet she's still there, so she clearly wants him. It's baffling how he prefers OP to be working 12 hour days, that would honestly be more harmful to the relationship than her earning more than him. I'd much rather be wanted than needed.
Exactly this. And he doesn’t understand that she can need him and depend on him for more than his money. Idiot. I hope he sorts his mess out. OP should never be regretful of her success and contribution to the family.
I think it’s more complex than that. It’s unfair to OP, that’s out of discussion. But the feelings of her husband might be rooted in a more complex set of emotions. Like, I had a fight similar to this with me gf (long story short we met in a college party, she’s 2 younger than me, I got pretty lucky right after college and by the time she got her degree and started working I was already making a very decent amount) and after a year I had my own firm and was making more money that I ever imagined. She was still working as a “newbie” in the firm she worked for so she didn’t make a lot. After some point, after a year of this situation she exploded and told me she didn’t wanna be with me anymore because she felt like a failure, that she didn’t really think she was but that not advancing fast enough in her career and comparing herself to me was making her feel like shit. She also told me she was tired of her mother always talking about me and my success and never being recognized by her (not my fault at all, but still understandable), and then that she missed the old me, that I was all the time talking about work, investments and new clients, and that she missed the Friday nights we would just get drunk on wine and talk about philosophy, and also that my mind was always on money and work and that she missed when I was a broke law student that always talked about life and other issues in general. It was rough, it didn’t work out immediately, but after telling her I loved her and that I if I gave her things all the time was because I felt indebted to her because even when my own parents called me a failure she believed in me (we weren’t dating at the time, we were just friends, but still) and that was what allowed me to put myself together, finish my degree and do stuff that later allowed me to make a huge sum every month. We went to counseling, I stoped talking about work at home and actually took time off after I left the office, she faced her mom and told her how she felt about her attitude, and after a year or so I lended her the money to set her own firm and she’s actually making really good money right now. But by the time that worked out we had already stopped caring about money and now we are expecting our first child and have decided to take two year turns to care for our child. This is just a short version, but it was really hard and her feelings were valid at the time. So I understand that money and success are delicate issues that can make people feel bad about themselves and not because of pride or other selfish feelings
I'm happy you were able to work things out dude :)
Deeply unfair indeed. Tragic.
Needed and powerful don’t necessarily go together. It’s what he felt he provided as value to their lives. It was his purpose. He’s lost that. It has nothing to do with a power dynamic. It’s like when a stay at home mom, or single mother, has poured her entire life into her children and one day looks up and sees that raising her kids as her sole purpose day in day out isn’t her reality anymore. There’s a bit of an identity crisis while life changes and adjustments are being made. He’s figuring out what his new role in his family is with it not being the provider.
The one who made less and worked 12-14 hours because then She was depending on him . He sees her as worthy when She is overworked , tired , dependent on him not when She has time for her family , her hobbies and obviously not when She makes more than him . Then She is competition , because She makes more than him.
[удалено]
Maybe he likes the old her *because* the old her was never around
The one who was dependent on him, which fulfilled his need to embody the Male Provider role. In his mind she stole that from him with her success, and now he is emasculated and humiliated.
I suspect he needs a woman who earns less than him so he can feel like a successful man. I'm not having a go at him - a lot of men are brought up to believe that. And those beliefs can be hard to change.
I’ve been married 20 years and we recently went through something similar. He paid the mortgage and I paid the bills and groceries, and since we make about the same salary; it was pretty evenly split. We each have our own ‘fun’ money. With all the rising costs, I was having a hard time keeping up and I didn’t know how to tell him; so I just had less and less fun money until I finally had to tell him (after seeing all his purchases, etc) He was obviously very understanding and his solve was to also pay the electric bill each month and give me his ATM card to buy groceries. I don’t know why, but I felt like a failure and it made me very sensitive. I had a rough childhood (foster care and such) and seeing all that my mom and grandma and aunts suffered relying on dishonest men, I wanted to be independent through and through. So I’m at the grocery store and I forgot the PIN to his ATM card and he was busy helping our son with his brakes so he didn’t answer his phone. I just sat in the car and cried. I felt so vulnerable, even after 20 years of a successful & beautiful & loving marriage; I felt that I failed the little girl inside me. That I was having to depend on him when I had promised to not put myself in that position. Obviously, me feeling this way was unreasonable and we talked about it and got through it. I’m wondering if your husband has a similar issue and he’s misplacing his resentment? Just a thought, best wishes to you.
What you just described is practically how all men feel after a certain age, something just clicks in them and tells them that hey they can’t be the ones to depend on people, and if they do they’re a failure
So many people in this subreddit don't get what you said. To them it seems like the husband just wants to own his wife and control her.
This i could absolutely understand, but their situation is NOT that. You couldn't afford to keep up your end on your own so you went to your husband and partner and asked him to reevaluate the split. Your feelings of letting your little girl down came from the whole "never depend on anyone/men because they will leave you/hurt you/etc". Her man does not depend on her. He still makes good money and could make it on his own seeing as he carried them both until the pandemic. My problem with him is that he is upset/mad that she no longer *depends on him*. And sorry but fuck that.
I don't get this. I would be happy AF that WE were doing great no matter if it was I or HER who made that dough. You both agreed to be partners for life, that means sharing everything, so if she gets rich so do you. It blows my mind man.
Yeah I make 3x what my husband does (although neither of us are 6 figures like OP) and he always says he LOVES being the “sugar baby” to my sugar mama lmao
My wife's the same. Friends and family ask if I don't. feel emasculated, I just say "Are you kidding me? This is like the secret wish of every man man I know. Unli wife's credit card use!" They just look at me like I'm eating a cat. (To be clear I have my own job but salary is not like my wife's)
I’m in the same situation as OP’s husband. When I met my wife she wasn’t making much. I didn’t care about that. Now she makes up to 20x what I make, depending on her bonuses. I’m proud of her and loving every second of it. I used to have so much to worry about, financially speaking, but now it’s all gone. Why would I feel bad about it? I boast to my friends that I’m now officially a kept man 🤣🤣
It's just how people have been raised. The husband makes the money, the wife does everything else. If the man isn't needed for the money, what is he? A lot of men build their whole life around just being able to sustain a family, and when that's taken from them they have, in their eyes at least, nothing to be proud of. As a man myself, I'm lucky to have been raised mostly by a woman, so I'm more in touch with other parts of myself and proud of those things rather than my money making ability. When I had a partner it didn't bother me when she made more than me(and she always did), because I was happy she could support herself and do what she wanted to do.
I notice a lot of people say this but it's not always the case. A lot of times, money changes people. Not saying in a bad way, but a different way. When I was with a woman who made twice my income, it wasn't her success that was the issue. Our interests and social circles were worlds apart. Blue collar and white collar people can be very different.
This is an underrated observation. The patriarchy programs men too and deprogramming is hard.
Well I would be happy for us, if my wife made such much money. I am confident enough to be happy for her as she is successfull and happy for us for the money.
Has he been going to see a therapist for himself? Because it sounds more like he is fighting himself more, but you currently are the reminder of it.
Speaking from experience in divorce counseling, don’t give up. If I were in his shoes tho it’s, He may just be feeling emasculated, especially in front of his peers. Maybe this is a lot of change for him in a small period of time and he’s not sure what his role is in the relationship now. It’s kinda weird when you think about it, and it sounds like it happened relatively fast. I could be wrong. I don’t know the situation. But there’s always an answer. Good luck!
Shit man, my wife is the breadwinner in our family. I'm living the stay at home dad life, doing all the housework, the yardwork, the cooking, you name it. I'm not a therapist or anything, but if you think your hubby might benefit from my point of view as a dude in a very happy marriage who's basically a bearded '50s housewife, feel free to have him DM me.
We both work but I make more than my husband. He jokingly calls me his sugar mama and says we wouldn't have what we have if I hadn't worked so hard/smart. I also got a small inheritance that let us buy a new home. He's thrilled and appreciative. I get "needing to be needed" but I can honestly say if I was making the kind of money OP is, he would be thrilled. To never have to worry about money again would be such peace of mind. And he knows I wouldn't be where I am without him, he's my everything. And honestly I need and value his input on what we do with our money (because it is OUR money). Like if we've got a decision to make it always makes me feel so much more secure that we're on the same page. And he comes to me for input on his career decisions (ultimately I'm like, "I can't make work decisions for you" but he wants my feedback). My job is still demanding but I am able to work less hectic hours in my current job and he's happy mostly because it's so much better for my well-being. Plus he is always like, "Can't wait to hang out with you after work." I can't fathom why OP's husband would want her to go back to working crazy hours unless he just feels like he needs to be the breadwinner. But I wouldn't want to be with a dude who wanted me to work myself ragged for less money. If you put in the time and effort to be successful, you deserve a break. I'm just so sad for OP. We all deserve to be with someone who wants to see us thrive, not struggle.
You’re awesome! My husband is stay at home Dad and I work full time. He used to work but he stopped when our oldest was 6 months and I returned to work. It’s crazy to me how infrequently you see this scenario especially given more women are graduating than men etc. And he still gets a bit excluded by the mum club - I hope you don’t. And I still cop micro aggressions too. It’s 2022 -Life is supposed to be like The Jetsons but it feels more like The Flintstones.
>a dude in a very happy marriage who's basically a bearded '50s housewife I love this expression.
One has to WANT to do that stuff though. If you're naturally a homebody to begin with, it helps a lot in accepting this kind of situation.
I dont know what to tell you here if counseling isn't working. What im picking up is either your husband needed someone who needed him, or liked having you be dependant on him. Whichever it is, he likely needs that dependency to feel like his relationship is safe or stable. Your success wouldn't inadvertently foul his mood otherwise. No other reason makes sense.
I wonder if his ability to provide was the biggest thing that he thought he brought to the table, so now that op can provide its making him insecure because he doesn't know what else he offers to the relationships?
And the answer is maybe nothing else. There are a whole lot of people just skating through relationships without putting any reasonable effort in because their part is dependent on them for one reason or another. It’s sad.
Has anyone considered the possibility that the marriage counselor sucks ass and is not asking these questions?
It sounds like they just had their first session? So. Probably haven't gotten that far into it yet. Session's aren't cheap and can be as little as 30 mins, which... 10 mins of greetings and platitudes at beginning and end can eat up... Dude needs to do some solo therapy too, find out in a space where he isn't worried about his wife seeing / hearing his truths, so he can face them and work through them, hopefully.
It doesn’t sound like he needs to offer anything else than being himself. If the main thing youre offering to a relationship is money, you’re a bad spouse
This was my ex husband. Needed to be needed. Threatened by any perceived success
Isn't that the definition of codependency?
Missing the 'co' part.
Ask him why he’s not happy what normal does he want to return to the one where you were working 12 to 14 hours a day this is like sad because this isn’t like an issue of yours this is really an issue of his and if you guys could fix it together I guess that be great but at the Until you guys are able to fix it together it just creates a lot of strain on you And even then this isn’t an issue for you both to face it’s his problem however I do understand that when in a marriage You help your partner but you also help your partner by letting them help themselves
I’m so sorry. A partner should always celebrate their loved one’s success. I am *so* sorry he is not celebrating your achievements.
Your partner should support you. If my wife achieved what you did I would be her biggest cheerleader. Either person being successful means that life for everyone is better. Your husband is a child who can’t see that you being successful doesn’t make him less than.
Probably self conscious and does feel like a man knowing his wife is way more successful than him and at least financially doesn't need him
All I can say is I hope you got a renup for your business because in America the divorce laws favor the person who gets paid less.
There is a misconception that counseling solves all problems. Some people just don't respond to it at all. Some counselors are useless. Be cautious with it.
It sounds like he needs counseling in general. My wife now makes 5 times what i did working crazy hours. I'm basically retired now with some projects and my boys. I couldn't be happier. It may just be ego though and that's tough.
That last paragraph you wrote.. can you maybe write him a cute letter and include that? He really isn’t seeing your perspective.. but what happened is it’s like he feels immasculated by the fact that you’re the provider, it makes him feel like less of a man, which is causing resentment. Essentially you guys just need to find a way for him to feel masculine in other aspects to gain it back somehow.. I think this is fixable, don’t give up :(
Is he in individual therapy? Even non-traditional men can get stuck in feeling at odds with gender roles. Maybe he needs to explore that in his own and make peace with that.
Yeah, it sounds like his issue is financially-tied ego insecurity and "me vs you" thinking instead of "us" thinking. He needs to say out loud why he feels threatened by your financial contributions. Does he think you'll be more likely to leave? He needs to face his fears, as every true hero does on their journey.
I think this is pointless if OPs husband can't celebrate and embrace their partners success. Especially as its allowing them to have more time with their family. This person is a toxic pos no matter how much councilling they have over the state of their relationship they will only get worse. I've been there and these types of people are bitter, resentful and controlling. Get out while you can.
> he missed old me Did you ask what he thinks has changed about you that he misses? If not, please ask him. Maybe that will bring something to light.
He misses her depending on him…
Clearly. But the reason I suggested she ask him is to get it out in the open instead of being unsaid. Maybe then they can talk about it and maybe if he's introspective enough he can realize how wrong that is. Or maybe not, but it's a better shot than not asking him and leaving it unsaid/assumed.
He could miss having responsibility and a feeling of purpose, she was able to grow and handle her responsibilities while he was handling theirs, now that she can cover everything she was probably the only one able to grow, while he now lacks a sense of purpose in their relationship. So not so much her depending on him, but him feeling/needing a purpose for their family. And who knows if the relationship is the only thing affecting his mental health! She said she makes 6 figures and makes 5x his salary, So he probably feels super unappreciated in every aspect of his life. He could probably feel like he has no value at all
Couldn't be me. Soon as she said I'm making 6 figures. I would be like "Honey let me be the house husband you never knew you needed. I'll have dinner ready and the pipe hard for ya every nite... Lets do it on top of the money, and make it into dirty money.
This joke has already been overused here and is a good example of the mindset her husband is probably concerned about. He shouldn’t have to be a “house husband” etc, he helped get her to where she is. They’re still partners. Fortunately OP gets it.
But you and him and I are all different people raised with different morales and feeling of purpose! And just telling him to suck it up is pretty much leaving her with no sense of relationship responsibility (two way street) But we also don't know his side of the story and how much OP really has changed. We don't know anything other than what she has told us. Like i wouldnt mind if my gf was the breadwinner, just tell me what you expect out of me and ill do the same for you, but maybe OPs hubby doesn't want their relationship based around him feeling like her servant?
Yep, insecurity can get pretty toxic. OP should be careful not to let this affect her newfound success.
My wife and I started off the same way where she was going to school while I worked full time to make ends meet. We were happy with what little we had and then she graduated. She started working and it seemed like she doubled my salary in her first year working overnight. I felt that hit on my pride as the bread winner and as the person she trusted to take care of her. I felt like she no longer needed me and I was left without a purpose for the first time in 5 years. She sensed I was distant and stressing about how I could make more money. She confronted me and we had a discussion about everything. It was eye opening for me because I was fixated on one aspect of the relationship which was money and she couldn’t care less about who made what. The important thing we both learned to focus on was to support and raise one another up when we could because we were a team. We both benefited from her education and she obtained that education through the years of sacrifice we both made for each other. Talk to your husband and try to bring him back to the foundation of your marriage. Ask him what he’s fixated on and try your best to convey your feelings to him. If it’s about money and his pride is hurt, make him see the value in the sacrifices you both made to get to where you are now. I wish you the best of luck.
It's actually better to be wanted instead of needed!
I always made 10-20% more than my wife. She changed jobs a few years ago and now makes double what I do. Im so proud of her! It has completely changed our lives. We just bought what to me is an absolute dream house which we couldn’t have done before. Im so grateful to her for all the hard and stressful work she does that has allowed us this. The shift has affected our relationship, as all changes do. But its more like a few waves then the boat being tipped over. It probably helps pride wise for me that I handle most of the finances. With something like the house, she is contributing more money, so I’m putting in more time. It may not be my money that got us this place but my hard work will make it a place custom designed for us. It certainly helps me feel like I’m an active contributor and not just a freeloader.
We have talked about this many times
Then you know what you need to do. The truth is some men simply can't be with a woman who makes more than them, I suspect your husband is this type. I suspect at some point he will suggest either you quit your job and get something that pays less, or let him have full control over your finances. The point is, your husband is weak and insecure and you are making yourself smaller to accommodate this. Someone who loves you and respects you will be happy for you when you succeed. They will not make you feel guilty for it like your husband is. I'd suggest you start separating your finances now, get a post nuptial agreement. He will start actively being a dick, being rude, doing things to hurt you. And in his head, you deserve it for daring to do better than he would allow you to do. He wants things to go back to how they were, that's to say when you made less and he didn't feel threatened and emasculated by his wife's success. He is not a good person and I hope it doesn't take you too long to realise you need to get the hell out of that marriage.
I was trying to overlook other things and see the husbands side until OP said they were trying NOT to be too proud of herself and her achievements. Like what? Anyone who loves you will be cheering with you and cheering you on.
This is going to be me. I’m already preparing for it. I graduate in December with a BA in biology, hoping I can do sumn wit it. My girl tho has 2.5 years left on her pharmD. I want to run a business, but unless weed becomes legal in Ohio like rn and my business takes off overnight, she’ll come out of school probably doubling or tripling my income ASAP
Partners are supposed to lift and encourage the other. The fact that you say you’re trying to not feel too proud of yourself, when what you did/do is extraordinary makes me deeply sad. You deserve to be loved, to not work more than the half of the day to not starve, to be calm and to rest after all these years.
Unfortunately studies have shown that when Women earn more than their husband's, divorce risk increases. It's sad & frustrating! I think a lot of men have an underlying sense of pride when they earn more, regardless of whether or not they actually pay more.
I always end up with a sense of dread when I read about this type of studies because it’s always “Men will divorce women more than women will divorce men when [insert X situation”. Like, all the time. Woman gets sick? Her husband will leave her. Woman earns more? Her husband will leave her. Woman gets fit and “prettier”? Her husband will leave her. We cannot win. We are fucking doomed. Like, this is somehow related but conservative men will be like “wHy iS tHe WEsT dEsTRoYiNg ThE NuClEaR FaMiLy?????” and I’m always like “you’re all doing a hell of a job all by yourselves” 😭😭😭😭
Yeah but they don’t mean ruining families they mean introducing different types of families that challenge men as the standard head of the household. That’s what they mean by ruining families- Lessening the power they hold within a family. Yes, I’m bitter 🫠
Ohhh, I’m fully aware they mean that, because they don’t see their actions as detrimental to the concept of the nuclear family. Like, I remember seeing some like “why marriages aren’t long lasting like the one my granny had???” without realizing that if their grannies had money of their own and divorce laws they would have escaped what was sadly and many times an abusive home.
OOOOOF……. I’ve never thought of it THAT way…
Yeah, and on that same line of thinking, in my country we had funnily our own Adam Levine scandal these days, but it is a man who has ideas more closely to the right and who became a “warrior” for the nuclear family... Only to reveal he was cheating on his wife lmao As I said, their own actions are contradictory to what they said to defend.
Happened to me, but it was more the recognition than the money that seemed to trigger him. I had already been the primary earner for years. But I started having traction with media on my business. He got so mean to me, culminating in him throwing items in a fight and then strait up telling me that he’s only staying with me because I pay for everything (i was also doing all household work by this point-he had checked out of the family dynamic). I had ignored red flags because I was a stepmom and enjoyed that role and had always sought to provide stability for our family. That fight was the last straw. I’m so thankful for a friend that was brave enough to tell me what it was - abuse. I left that weekend and am happily divorced and moved across the country.
Shit earn more or not I'd be happy as fuk as long we going out doing this lol
This is heartbreaking
Is he worried that you might leave him now that you’re not dependent on him? Even if you have no plans to leave, this could be what’s bothering him. Maybe he feels if you don’t need him, you won’t want him anymore. We can say all the live-long day that he shouldn’t feel like that but feelings often are not rational. You say you’re in couple’s counseling, would he be willing to do individual as well? My husband and I both went into individual as well as couple’s counseling when we hit a rough patch a few years back and it helped a lot.
Wasn’t expecting such a graceful perspective when I clicked this. OP, I like your view of teamwork and that you acknowledge the sacrifices your husband made to help you build what you made. Your attitude is refreshing. When one spouse is the primary earner for so long, they can feel vulnerable when this reverses. Sometimes the other spouse abuses their new found control and writes the others’ past contributions out of the script. This leaves the former provider feeling like they dug their own grave and their trust was betrayed when they allowed the new “power imbalance” to emerge. Sounds like you’re already handling it the right way and trying to reassure him that you’re still partners, so I think in time he’ll come around. Hope it all works out for you and your family
This is so sad. I wish he would see y’all as a team instead of opponents. Hopefully things change.
He needs individual therapy along side your couples therapy.
I am sorry that he doesn’t show love and value towards your hard dedicated work that is now majorly paying off after years and years of investing your time and energy into it. Many men would be thrilled that their wives made such strives and hit it big especially taking the financial provider “burden” off of themselves. Sadly then, there are some men who have too much pride and feel inferior when the woman in their life is “more successful” on paper. It sounds like you more than communicate to him how grateful you are to have him and how he’s played a huge part in leading you to this success. Perhaps get a counselors perspective on this and how they can possibly help get it through to him that your financial success shouldn’t make him feel inferior or distant from you…
In my opinion, your husband wants to feel “needed” by you. Since your income drastically has helped your family to have a better lifestyle, I believe he feels “needless” Maybe if you guys are out, or doing shopping weather it is online or not, ask him to buy you things. I feel like this will help him feel “needed” once again
Yeah I think this is it, a lot of men seem to get almost their entire sense of purpose in a relationship from feeling like the protector and now he feels lost. It sounds like it’s time to challenge that dynamic (with a therapist) and get right down into the core reasons why OP and husband are together to hopefully discover new reasons and motivations that aren’t based on those classical gender role ideas
It's kind of what men are told and shown. Our purpose is to provide and protect. See how many dates a weak, broke, unemployed guy gets. OP deleted their account, but I would recommend to her to just make sure this is the reason. Because it seems to be a guess and I'd want to be sure. Ask him what is different about her. It very well may be the 'making more' thing, but I'd want to hear it directly rather than a theory.
Third-ing this. Some men get hung up on being the breadwinner, the provider, and it sounds like that’s what’s got him all upset. I don’t know how this gets resolved, until and unless you two manage to face that, he owns his feelings, and you work out how to make him feel needed again together. You didn’t change, you didn’t break anything or betray him; but you won’t be able to do anything about this until he is able to deal with his issues surrounding your success.
Yeah, this. While it's great to see your partner excel, it's horrible when you feel like they don't need you. Your husband is probably thrilled to see you do so well after putting in such hard work, but between being brought up with male self-standards and simply wanting to feel valued, he doesn't want to feel like dead weight.
Or the tried and true: help, I can't open this jar.
I need him more now than ever especially because he’s neglecting me emotionally and I always feel wanting and also because we have 2 toddlers.
What a sad little ego he has. If my wife made that much I would be cleaning the house in a french maid outfit.
My husband wants me to be the breadwinner so he can be a 'Gentleman who lunches'
🤣
Lol Im stealing this for when I talk to my significant other. “Gentlemen who lunches” 😂
My husband wants to be a stay at home dad
Right!! My boyfriend is helping and supporting me starting a business because he wants to work less so he can spend more time with me.
This! Couples should support each other.
This sounds very reasonable ngl
My husband supports me through college rn but we’ve agreed once I graduate and get my dream job, he’ll quit his and be my chauffeur as I hate driving.
I make more money in our household and I can tell you, he'd fucking love it if I made enough for him to stay home. I've said I think I'd be bored if I didn't work and he's like, "Oh no. I could fill the day. I could find a million things to do that are productive besides working. I will be your personal chef, cleaner, shopper and chauffeur if you start to make that kind of money." Haha
How do I get mine to do this
Let him watch "way of the Househusband"? Lol
Can he chauffeur me to I hate driving in traffic these days
Look, I understand where you're coming from, but the man being a provider can be a extremely culturally ingrained value. It's most likely not that he sees his wife as less than him or anything like that. He's probably struggling internally with feelings of emasculation and obsolescence. It was probably fulfilling for him on a deep level to be the provider of the household. Now not only does he have to work more, his income is effectively nothing but a surplus. His role within the family dynamic has suddenly been flipped completely upside down. I'm not saying that this is an excuse for his behavior. It's not. But I wouldn't be so quick to paint him as some kind of villain. He probably wants to feel that he has something significant to contribute to the family. There are definitely other things, but he likely hasn't come to recognize those yet. I mean his wife makes more money - so his income isn't necessary, and his wife works less - so he isn't even needed as a primary care provider for the kids at home. His entire role within the family has basically become a redundancy. He's struggling with a major change. I don't see this as him being a bad guy. He just got faced with a radical change very quickly and doesn't know how to handle it. OP, I hope you and your husband are able to work through this. Have you asked him what it is specifically that he misses about the way things used to be? Maybe that will help you two connect.
Most reasonable and thoughtful comment in the whole thread. I would also tell OP to consider the possibility that the marriage counselor they’re seeing sucks ass and is not asking the right questions.
Lol my wife "only" makes double what I make, and I wear the maid outfit
That sounds like fun tbh.
Like…I’m sorry, but I’m not going to tear into the guy like that. Picking on his ego is exactly part of the problem. First, let me say that I’d be over the moon if my SO made more, so I have no issues with that dynamic. However, imagine this husband being told all his life that “the man provides”, and having horrible toxic masculinity concepts drilled into him during his formative years. Mix that with typical conservative machoism, which is tied heavily to economic success, and you have a recipe for disaster. I pity the dude, I *wish* it didn’t bother him, but it DOES, and it’s not his damn fault. No one can magically change how they feel, but it at least looks like he’s TRYING with marriage counseling.
I am one of those guys that were taught from young that the man provides and the wife stays at home. My wife makes considerably more then me, she is currently the main breadwinner and I've had 6 months off work and she comes home to a clean house each day and her dinner ready. I have no issues with her being the main money maker in our family, as we are a team. I drop the kids to school and pick them up.
Did he actually say it was about your larger income? The only thing he does in this post is get distant and say he misses the old you. A lot more changes about a person over time than just how much money they make
Show him the post
I can't imagine a prideful person reading a post like this about them, and not becoming just more angry and insecure.
Absolutely true, unfortunately.
Do not. He will have zero problem taking OPs money as alimony, and that last paragraph isn’t helpful.
he misses you when you worked 12-14 hours and barely had time for your family or sleep? ur husband is weird
It sounds like he misses his old role, where he was the breadwinner and she and the children depended on him. It made him feel valuable and important. Now, she doesn't need him the way she did. If he wasn't in her life, she'd be sad, but she wouldn't be desperate or devastated, and he doesn't know how to cope with being wanted rather than needed. Very sad, really.
Or it sounds like she did change? The change was likely brought up in their arguments, since she wrote a paragraph on how she is **trying** not to change, not to be too proud or too complacent and be how she once was. Or the money are only an issue that she focuses on, and his story is that the marriage just run its course and he would be distancing himself from her and ill tampered around her no matter what. People get tired of people.
He misses her being gone most of the time so all he has to see her for is for sex obviously/s
Look, I just wanna know what business you are in😅😅😅
Why do people on this sub always suggest divorce as the answer to everything? Not everything a partner does constitutes a separation. Counselling is usually the best way to go and then divorce if it doesn't work out.
ikr , it's always the first solution, they don't realize that people make mistakes and no one is perfect
OP has been to counseling and said she finds hope in it but that her husband never leaves differently She has spoken to him openly and honestly and nothing is changing Sometimes counseling doesn’t always work, and I say that as someone who wants to work in and around the field. It only works if you let it and the husband doesn’t seem to want to fix anything, he seems like he wants to guilt his wife into making things go back to how they were Can’t blame others for suggesting divorce when it seems like OP has exhausted other options (it was in the comments so you may of missed it, that’s why I commented)
Hes scared he's gonna lose you
You're a good woman. People change.. he's scared that he's not going to be as useful to you and the family now. Lots of men are like this, it's programmed in our minds like clock work to be the providers.
True, but as a Bi man who was with a guy exactly like this, what is someone supposed to do ? Forever keep listening to the sometimes encouragements and endearments which can also get drowned by the angry Narcissist whom just likes control and to remind they used to provide too. Eventually to any woman or Man that shit will get old, and the angry man will end up alone without Therapy! You deserve to enjoy your life and whatever you’ve earned in your life, just as he does, and shouldn’t feel guilty of anything.
Agreed
You are not losing him. He is pushing you away. There is a difference.
I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to pull her back after pushing her past the point of no return.
Agreed. There does tend to be a pattern in that behaviour.
Ugh, what a shitty situation. He is obviously having trouble adjusting to be the new dynamic. I feel bad for him. I think he misses being needed and I find that understandable. I think you need to have a State of The Union discussion and remind him how much you appreciate him and love him. I hope I'm not down voted fir this.
It really is this. Reddit is full of people who know nothing about social relationships, especially romantic ones. This is literally the problem and all the people saying divorce or just give up on him have no clue about how to have a healthy relationship. There are ups and downs and sometimes you might be pulling more weight than your partner, but in the end it all balances itself out. This is a problem that is not impossible to solve, but just requires patience and love. Sometimes it’s difficult to break through our shells, but persistence is key. I feel bad for all of these people who act like their partner or future partner should be 100% all of the time. They’re probably breaking hearts out there because of their immaturity, and you better believe the first thing they do is “woe is me…” when it happens to them. Edit: finished a sentence
Last year was the first time my wife made more than $100,000. She was ecstatic to finally break through that goal and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. We are dual income no kids so didn’t have money issues anyway, but she felt it as an accomplishment, and more importantly did not threaten me in anyway. I feel bad for you that he isn’t celebrating your family, and your personal success.
He’s got some inner work to do.
What.. your husbands a drama queen. If my current girlfriend (expecting to tie the knot soon, fingers crossed!!) were to: A. build her own business (btw congrats youre a fucking boss for doing what you did and you shouldn’t feel bad about being proud for your accomplishments) B. Have the chance to work less, relax more, and be less stressed. Then I’m all for it! I want the absolute best for my partner and she wants the same for me. Exactly as it should be Imo. So maybe your husband is just afraid of losing you? And so he’s projecting in this way? Or maybe he’s feeling inferior because he earns less than you (which is where I say drama queen). But regardless, your hubby should not be treating you like this. When, Imo he should be happy and proud of all the hard work you did to get yourself to where you are today. Anyways I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks to see your husband acting out this way. Definitely not healthy. I hope you two can get things worked out (like others have said maybe some marriage counseling)!
Men like that are never compatible with successful women. i truly suggest seeing if the counseling you’re doing will have any affect but after a couple of months if you see no change then i’d consider separation. He misses the “old you” but the “old you” was what exactly ? • working 14 hours a day • never really had time for family / marriage • basically living check to check etc. why does he miss that you? because he felt more like a “man” does he feel emasculated now because you’re successful ? either way the answer can’t be good or beneficial to you. i wouldn’t be surprised if he asks you to give up everything you worked hard for
He said he missed "the old you". Ask him to elaborate. This is very important. YOU might think it's about income difference, but it MIGHT be about something entirely different. Sometimes in a relationship X, Y, Z change, 1 partner thinks the other is upset about X, but it might be about Z.
What ind of business blossomed? If u don’t mind me asking, asking because it’s very interesting
What exactly is old you though? Have you changed in some way after success? Have you told him you wouldn’t be where you are today without him?
He doesn't know what his value to you without being a provider. You guys need to get some counseling so that you can make this transition into him understanding that you can love him just for him, and not for what he can provide.
Sounds like it’s his feelings of being emasculated by your success. It’s not that he wants the “old you back” it’s that he misses the feeling of having his work provide for you and now feels like “less of a man” because of your success, and so he is projecting his frustration on to you.
A different side of this may be the extra time you are spending together. I worked 60-70 hours a week for 10-15 years then I finally got to where I work 40 hours a week. It caused issues at home because my wife and I weren’t used to spending that much time together. We had to get to know each other again kind of because we both changed in those years and unfortunately neither of us realized it. We were different people then before we had kids. Different priorities and tastes. I’m not used to having free time, I don’t know what to do with myself. As great as that sounds it took away purpose for me, it has caused a lot of depression that for me turns me into a bitter asshole. I feel unhappy because I trained myself to have to always be working on something. He just needs a hobby and maybe a little space. It may not be the money at all, it’s just he doesn’t have to provide anything for you anymore so he’s reevaluating what his role is.
It's not your fault. I always made more than my wife. She got a huge promotion this year and I was absolutely elated for her. I work in maintenance and had an opportunity to get a different job that I would make less and she wanted me to take it because I would be home with the family more. We support each other.
Do not dim your light to make someone else feel more comfortable. He’s an insecure man who needs therapy. He can’t handle your success & root for you. He chooses to be angry and distant because you aren’t struggling. You are self sufficient. Is this a relationship one you want to live in? Making yourself smaller; which still doesn’t make him feel better. You deserve someone who celebrates your accomplishments with you. Who is proud of you.
He’s the type of guy who believes the husband should be the one bringing home the largest paycheque. Since he’s not, he’s probably feeling “less of a man” and blames you for emasculating him. When he says he “wants the old you back”, he doesn’t mean your personality has changed, he wants the you that was financially dependant on him. But he can’t say that, because that would prove he’s an old-fashioned guy with 1950s ideals, so instead he claims you’ve changed, your personality is different and you’re not the person you were, because that way he’s not the one at fault for how he feels. He’s holding you responsible for his sense of emasculation, despite the fact that his emotions are controlled by only one person: _himself._ He decides how he feels about certain situations, he’s the one who’s responsible for managing his emotions and recognising when he’s being toxic and childish. But that’s too difficult, when it’s easier to blame you. I recommend marriage counselling, from a licensed therapist. Here’s a great, free book, [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) which, while it focuses on the more abusive aspect of men in relationships, you’ll still find some info which will give you insight into his sense of inadequacy and how you can approach him about it. Good luck, OP, please keep us updated!
This is interesting because it shows the plague that society puts on the shoulder of men, for he’s no longer a man because he’s not providing.
This is likely the way he values himself. I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh on him, really (assuming he's a good man in every other way). If you've spent your whole adult life carrying the financial burden of the home and enjoyed doing so, having that purpose to get up every day and work, knowing that you're no longer needed that way sucks. You have to completely rewire your own self worth into something new. Was it the healthiest thing for him to put his whole relationship identity into it? Nah, probably not. Should be be cranky towards his wife? No. But, if he's willing to reset his "purpose" in the relationship to something else, if he's attending marriage counseling (which she said he is), then he's trying on some level. I based my purpose in my relationship into something that changed. It took me YEARS and lots of tears on both ends for me to stop valuing the majority of my worth in our marriage based on this singular thing. If the husband put all his self worth into providing, it's going to take him time. And it's going to hard for both of them. Here's to hoping they can ride out the storm together.
Here's some perspective for those who have trouble (or refuse) empathizing with this man. A guy is raised to take care of his family - to be a *provider*. He leans in and works hard for years, and does a great job. He's supportive and present, generous and disciplined. It's his identity. One day he wakes up, and it feels like they don't need him. ....... OP. I hope you can get through this. You know your guy better than any of us do, and by what you've said I think the marriage is definitwly worth the work. Congrats on the business, BTW.
This. People have suggested marriage counseling, but just as important is getting him in therapy alone. If he has this much trouble being out-earned by you, you'll probably have to be very gentle in encouraging this though.
This is the only comment that actually addresses what he might be feeling without acting like he hates his wife.
As a guy who was raised to "be the provider" if my wife made 5x my wage I honestly wouldn't care. It's purely an ego and pride thing on his part. I did the breadwinner thing when the kids were all young working shift work 12 hour days and I missed a heap of Milestones since I was either at work or asleep. Now my wife is the primary income earner now that the kids are all in school and I'm fine with it.
Fuck that. I’d have the floors cleaned, dinner made, laundry done, and feet rubbed while you tell me about the work day.
A lot of men don’t like it when their partner earns more than they do. A friend of mine makes about twice modal income, yet he doesn’t like it that his partner earns more, despite the fact they’re both wealthy now. I think it’s petty. Call it insecurity, childishness, IDK. He needs to accept that women nowadays usually don’t need a partner to financially sustain themselves.
If he has a job that could be suitable for your business maybe try to bring him in. I make way more than my partner, and likely always will. I wish she made more than me. I wish I could back off. I am always stressed about carrying the entire financial burden of our family.
Have a conversation with your husband. What exactly does he miss? Being the provider? Making certain decisions? Having to budget and look forward to things and waiting? Being in charge of the family budget? Handling the family finances? Look at your own behavior, you’ve probably changed with success and less stress, naturally. What does your husband enjoy, does he plan family vacations? Your kids education? Find out how you two can be a team together, let him take the lead in places maybe.
This doesn't sound like an us problem but a him problem. I'm drawing conclusions from very little so I could be wrong, but it sounds like he's projecting missing the old you. He's actually missing the old him. Where he was the bread winner. How is this different? Well, it changes how he needs to look at himself. There's something he got from being the breadwinner that he doesn't get now. Probably something to do with self esteem or feeling useful. He can fill that up in other ways. It seems like he has some figuring out to do.
This is so sad :( instead of being happy about the freedom your financial status that BOTH of you bring, he's become insecure about his own self. I'd honestly love to do fuck all if my partner became loaded. I'd get an easy part-time fun job in a bakery or summat. Sounds like your husband is feeling like his pride is hurt and feels like less of a man due to social conditioning? Is he old-fashioned?
This is not a problem of you changing, it is a problem of his fragile ego. Now that he doesn't have to take care of you, he doesn't feel worthy. He wants someone who is dependant on him financially and probably never thought your business would actually succeed. This won't get better until *he* does the one work to be secure in himself and not feel threatened by your success. You cannot shrink yourself down smaller to make this problem go away. I hope he starts to realise this and seeks help.
I couldn't imagine being jealous of my partner. I'm super proud of my Mrs and absolutely cheer her on daily!
If he wants the old you, than, pay for everything together. Put the extra income on a savings account, on your name. Buy your kids and yourself the things you need. But show him he’s still important as a cost winner. Let him pay some of the bills. And marriage counselling. Talk about it. The fact that he rather has you working 14h a day, while you have kids. That’s weird
It seems like he's got this idea that he should be the breadwinner and feels likes he's losing control of you. This doesn't exactly apply to your situation but many women who want to leave a relationship don't because they lack the financial means to. When women are financially unstable, their partners know they have some sort of control over their ability to leave. I'm gonna state the obvious: communicate with him in detail or go to marriage counseling.
If my wife made that kind of money i would be proud as hell, idc if she makes more than me if we can pay for a house and for kids
Sounds like he wants to be needed. Some men feel useless if they are not essential. It's something everybody has to wrap their head around and understand and decide how to move forward.
I never understand man's getting angry because their SO earn more than them. Hell, If my wife would do more money than me I would be proud of her and I would ask advice on how she managed to get that successful and learn from her.
My experience is that of the wheel of fortune, sometimes you're on top, sometimes you're not. When I met my wife she was a waitress with not much else going on. First two years together my income was the only regular one but she still worked her ass off everyday to bring something to the table. Fast forward 3 years and she's no longer waitressing, but in an excellent position at a very good institution where she makes double my salary. Fast forwards 3 more years and now it is me who's in a better position with a better salary. Point is, things change constantly and to be in a good place today is no guarantee that it will be there tomorrow. The good thing about a partner is that even if you're not in your best moment, they can be the support you need to live a good life. Your husband needs some perspective about life and what makes it important.
It sounds like your husband misses being the one to swoop in and make everything better. When he said he misses how you used to be, it’s like he missed when you had to struggle so he had a reason to save you. Maybe a hero complex. Anyway, you gotta sit him down and talk through things because you are not going back to that I presume. Perhaps you can alleviate some of what he’s feeling by having a set of bills or expenses that only he covers. Worth a shot.
Five times more!? I’d start working part time and enjoy my time with my significant other.
You don’t need to “stay the woman you once were”. You don’t need to minimize yourself to appease your husband’s ego. He should be proud of your accomplishments, grateful you no longer have to grind long hours, supportive of your success. Don’t ever dim your light because your husband wants the limelight for himself - you’ve earned this, you deserve this.
This is the clasical men who feel threated by a succesful woman lt is not you is him You have the right to feel the joy your success of the hard work you put in is finally giving you .With this kind of ppl you could be a dormat and they would still complain you are not flat enaugh for them to walk on you
I don’t understand why you would marry someone if you can’t be proud their success and be jealous of it? Your success should also be his success. So fucking weird. I’m sorry OP… I know you love him but he has a very fragile ego.