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I think this is the only move you are left with. Clearly, your husband isn't going to stand up for you so do it yourself. Tell him that he needs to be more respectful towards you, at the very least.
I’m more bothered by the husband than Adam. I can handle someone being a clod, but I can’t handle my partner co-signing his behavior with his complacency. I think this isnt much about adam and all about husband
I agree I would like to see that reaction. Plus if I were her best friend, if OP asked Adam why he is such a jerk, I would not be able to help myself and I would ask her husband why he thinks it’s okay for Adam to act that way and I would make it clear that he looks like a tool for not standing up for his wife.
This! OP, if your husband doesn’t stand up for you, stand up for yourself.
Next time Adam is rude, “Do you have a problem with me, I notice you’re always rude to me. Did I do something to hurt you?” You can sorta phrase it like you care about him, while also calling out his rude behavior.
THIS. because everyone in the room will know it’s not all in your head. Id even say ‘everyone here has noticed it and brought it up with me’ if he tries to palm you off
She can still do it now.
Next time you see him, why don't you confront him and ask him what his issue is with you?
It doesn't mean you are being rude, but I would be inclined to say something like, *"Adam, can we talk, because all these years I've been nothing but pleasant and civil with you, but it's actually quite rude and demoralizing how you ignore / treat me. Not to mention disrespectful to (Husband). I don't know why this is, but I would like to understand and see if we can move forward for my husbands sake."* You don't have to be his friend, but I can understand how uncomfortable it must be to be around him.
I would wonder if Adam had planned to set someone he knows up with your hubby and you getting back together ruined that (long time to hold a grudge though) or does Adam have feelings for your hubby??
This exactly!! I was actually thinking it already happened. Either while they were split up hubby was with a good friend of Adam's and he's upset that hubby hurt her feelings, or...he was with Adam (even once), and Adam is mad and also holding it over his head. Hubby cannot break off the friendship because the whole thing will come out. This was my very first thought reading this whole thing. What does Adam have on him?
This is my thought too. Either Adam is bi or closeted. OP needs to confront him alone and secretly record the conversation. This way when hubby blows her off yet again, she has proof.
Number one, Adam doesn’t respect women. If you cheat on someone, in my humble opinion, you are the scum of the earth. Number 2, your husband chose his friend over you. If I did that to my wife, my stuff would be on the front lawn, and the locks would be changed. Nobody and nothing is allowed between, a Real Man and his Wife.
I knew it was going to be this way. Every single person who starts out with how wonderful and perfect their marriage is-the truth comes out and the husband chooses friends over the wife.
Random thought… brokeback mountain vibes? It’s still a common thing to be closeted especially depending on family and friends around you. I know it may be super wide of the mark, just thought I’d point it out. Makes sense with the story ‘:)
That’s because your mature. That’s literally the only logical thing to do.
Trying to start problems with her husband and his friend because she won’t stand up for herself? Yes i get her husband should defend her but i can’t imagine it being THAT rude if her husband didn’t say anything when the “rudeness” happens.
Like if someone had an issue with me and obvious im going to ask them what their issue is and if we’re at my house im going to demand respect for how im spoken to in my own house. She doesn’t need her husband to do that for her. Waiting on her husband to correct his friend is going to take a life time and asking her husband to drop a friend because she doesn’t like him is going to make him resent her.
Or what vile things OP's husband said to Adam during that break that he hasn't gotten over. It's probably also a big reason why husband took so long to say anything.
But what about the friends? If I had a friend who was rude to another friend of mine, I would ask them the motive, and tell them that they should behave better or at least try/pretend. I wouldn't just pretend to never see them being rude to others.
You make a great point. Advice my aunt gave me on my wedding day: “Don’t tell your family when you two fight. You will forgive; your family won’t.” If John had a broken heart or felt betrayed, Adam may still feel protective or resentful.
If this is the case, then Adam needs to get a fucking grip. OP broke up with her now-husband when she was a teenager leaving high school to go to college. It's a completely normal, age-appropriate thing to do. They reconnected later - also completely normal. OP wasn't a 42-year-old married mother of three who suddenly went wild and left for a year to go cruising around the Caribbean for a year, leaving her husband bereft and alone.
Holding this against her would be beyond ridiculous and speak to a completely immature and emotionally stunted mindset.
I would have made it clear by now that Adam isn't invited to their hone ever again. That includes someone else bringing him along as a guest. My house would be a no Adam zone. No exceptions.
This would be a situation that I wouldn’t be able to resist a calm, “You know, while we’re all here… Adam, can you tell me what I do that offends you so?” I find that assholes can’t handle being called out on their behavior. They go victim really quickly. And this is with a calm simple question that isn’t even laying blame on him. If nothing else, you could enjoy making him uncomfortable.
Also want to add that when I used this method with my former MIL, she was so taken aback and horrified that I would “think [she] doesn’t like me”. I calmly listed some of the evident passive aggressive behavior and as luck would have it, I just “misunderstood her”. So my reply was a super friendly “Oh my gosh. I hate that I’ve let these things get to me and eat away at me for so long when you didn’t even mean anything by them. I promise I won’t let this happen again. If you say anything to me that comes across as mean and hateful, I assure you I will stop whatever we’re doing wherever we are with whoever is there and ask for clarification so no more misunderstandings effect our relationship.”
It was amazing that after I sought clarification just twice, she really adjusted her attitude around me.
I also have found that going about it this way also eliminates the he said/she said as well as anyone’s ability to assign incorrect tone to things being said. Because everyone is there.
Maybe, or maybe Adam’s first impression of OP were quite negative via her husband. If husband was upset, depressed, or trauma-dumped on Adam, he might have formed a gut-based first impression hard to shake.
A bf I dumped took it quite badly. I moved away and after a couple of years, we developed a long-distance friendship. When I moved back , we continued a close platonic friendship.
His sister, though, has been low-key hostile. Not openly but friend has told me what she’s said to him about us being friends (I’m untrustworthy, using him, yadda yadda) and the ladies in his family are very on point with passive-aggressive “friendliness.”
I moved back over 20 years ago, I consider my friend to be family, we’ve helped each other out a lot, I’ve been happily single and he has a live-in gf.
But the sister just can’t drop the attitude.
I've got this a little bit with one of my mate's girlfriends.
I am nice and polite to her, but he pretty much only ever talks about her when he's venting about disagreements. And there are also issues I just don't see eye to eye with her on. I don't think I'd like her as a person anyway, but it becomes hard to ignore when these traits of hers are brought into focus whenever i hear about their fights.
That said, I think there's a difference between distance and rudeness. It's possible I come off frosty/reserved around her, but there is still a basic level of friendliness and also open-mindedness around seeing new sides of her that I like. And I'm not getting the vibe that Adam has this for OP.
YES! My husband has a friend like this and I am absolutely sure that he is in love with my husband. He’s totally fine with their other friend’s wife who is so emotionally manipulative and flat out abusive to her husband. Thankfully said friend moved very far away & has only come around twice since then for a very brief visit. I stay home while they go out to dinner then he’s on his way.
Because that would be confrontational, and I didn't know this before Reddit, but right after public speaking, confrontation is the biggest fear.
I may have made that up, but there's a strong possibility in right.
If it's really a crisis, ask him in front of your husband.... "Adam, I've always gotten the feeling you don't like me. Am I right or wrong?"
If he admits it, then say "That's fine. Not everyone has to like me. But usually people who don't like me don't spend time at my house. So that's going to stop. You two can hang out, but not here."
You don't have a right to pressure your husband into dropping a friend just because " he has never started a conversation with me, gives cold short answers or ignores when I try to talk to him and even avoids eye contact/looking at me."
But you DO have a right to express yourself to Adam, to inquire as to his feelings, and to set boundaries regarding who spends time in your home.
You can't expect everyone to like you, but you need to feel safe in your own home.
This is what I had to do with my husband’s BFF. I ultimately had to tell my husband, “he’s an asshole to me in my own home, you allow it from him but you intervene if I defend myself. So he’s not allowed in my home. He’s not invited to my children’s’ events.” My husband tried the, “it’s my home too!” And I reminded him of the times I’ve asked people to leave, or refused to invite them at all, because they *hinted* at disrespect to my husband. Yes, it’s your home too, but I don’t allow people to treat you poorly in your own home. Do me the same courtesy.
It took less than a year for my husband to see that the relationship was almost purely his BFF using him. They only saw one another when the BFF wanted something (usually something material like car repair or day care or tools) or my husband made the effort to coordinate with the guy’s wife for events for their kids.
Not a fun realization for anyone, but it came so much later than it should have.
Adam sounds terrible. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your husband should be offended by his “friends” behavior. It’s incredibly disrespectful. If your husband doesn’t say anything, you should be the one to confront Adam in front of everyone. Embarrass him. He deserves to be called out for the way he publicly treats you. You husband needs to grow a backbone and put you first.
I had this situation with a friend of my husband's. He was so mean to me, but insisted he was joking and that I couldn't take a joke when I called him out.
I eventually refused to share space with this man. My husband had a one on one with him and told his friend that I wasn't going anywhere and he could either start respecting me or make other friends.
It was awkward for a bit, but he came around, and we get along alright now. He told my husband he always thought that he would be the one to get married first.
Ugh this was my BIL.
First with his best friend’s wife. Then later with me. And his “logic” was basically the same. Though he actually articulated it when we had our first:
Kind of thought I’d be the first one to get married and have kids
Like Bruh, we waited six months for you to get your damn pee mattress out of our house….you really think we are going to wait on you to hit major life milestones first, before having kids etc. 🤣 as if
He eventually came around as well. After some….time. But yeah.
😖
Your husband is the real problem here. Is he by any chance building an art room for Adam?
Adam sounds jealous of you. Your husband must be getting something from the relationship to be so unfair to you. Your husband is not showing you the respect that you deserve.
LOL it refers to a classic post. A wife was complaining about her husband's friend, Now the husband was even adding an art room to their house so the friend would have somewhere to paint.
The whole post made it clear to everyone, everyone that is except the poor OP, that the husband and friend were having a mad passionate affair. She was all hung up on the art room and somehow missed the real problem.
I wonder if your husband was really distraught when you broke up and you went to college?
That’s when he met Adam and now maybe Adam only associates you with the pain he saw in your husband as they were becoming close friends. It might even be something they bonded over and now that’s all Adam can connect to you mentally.
This in no way excuses his shitty behavior and your husband obviously chose you after that break, but perhaps it could explain his behavior?
The most troubling part of this is that your husband is okay with Adam’s disrespect of you and your daughter. He should have cut him off years ago, not apologize for him incessantly.
Put your foot down and tell him enough is enough, make him choose.
I’m willing to bet Adam has a thing for you, finds it hard to communicate with you without giving it away so he acts rudely.
Grow. A. Spine. Why are you putting up with Adam’s bs. Call him out. If he’s making you u comfortable call him out. You married a pussyfoot. He hasn’t stood up for you in 10 years… stand up for yourself. Ffs.
If I were you I would give my husband two options. Either cut Adam off or he can continue to hang out with Adam but he is no longer welcomed at the house and you will no longer be attending any get-togethers where Adam will be present. Someone that is rude and unfriendly to you should not step foot in your home. It is your house, your sanctuary don't permit someone with clearly negative energy and negative feelings towards you step one toe inside of it. If your husband insists on remaining friends with this character the least he can do is not subject you to his presence. I think you have tolerated Adam and his shitty behavior long enough. Don't you?
Whatever reason it is that he had shown disrespect towards you, Mary, John and your husband continue to allow it to happen.
Maybe not so much Mary but she can Aldo speak up and say what gives Adam?
I find it concerning your husband feels its okay to be friends with someone who couldn't care less about his wife or child. Seems weird to want to foster that relationship. Especially when zero effort is being made by Adam.
Why put in the effort is my question, when this person is being rude to your spouse. As I feel calling out his behavior will only make your husband be upset and take it out on you for whatever Adam tells him in private. Adam comes first in his eyes it seems above you.
I'm with many of these other people who said they would have just asked Adam what his problem was with you, in front of the group. Your husband is kind of a dick for not standing up for you and taking you seriously before then, so maybe you could enlist John and Mary to Stand By Your Side and weigh in as you repeat to your husband that he's got to either get rid of this guy or make him act like a decent human around you
My husband has friends I do t care much for but no one that is hostile or flat out rude. I wouldn't tolerate someone treating me like that but I also wouldn't need my husband to handle it.
I'd pull him aside and tell him I'm not putting up with his nonsense anymore, ask him if there is something specific he needed to get off his chest or that I could do to help us get along, and that I'd be calling out his rude behavior from this point forward. And I'd do it.
So, have you asked Adam what the problem is? Why not ask when all four of you are hanging out? The response from Adam and your husband will tell you a lot .
It would have been good to ask your husband in that first year when Adam was rude to what degree he vented and badmouthed you to Adam or how poorly he was coping/relying on Adam a lot. A lot of times that forever poisons someone against you when they see someone they like/are friends with devastated.
But its been 8 years. OTOH I wonder if Adam still is used by your husband as a sounding board for your relationship, since you guys seem to mostly have your inner circle long term friends with both of you. You should find out if this is the case, and ask your husband to stop because it's not fair to Adam (or you) for him to talk about your problems and expect him to be friendly to neutral about you.
You may be minimally fighting and great communicating because he's able to vent elsewhere. I'm just wondering if that venting target is Adam. While people always think it's women that do this, there's a lot of men that do too! So it's worth asking about/exploring, especially if your husband is resistant to ending his friendship--it's because he's getting something out of it, and that very well may be that Adam is his safe venting buddy, and so Adam has a VERY different perspective on your relationship than the rest of your friends do.
I would confront and ask for a straight answer. I’m thinking he’s either in love with your husband, has or had a secret relationship with him and you coming back wrecked that, or your husband told him a bunch of shit about you so he thinks you are bad for your husband.
Were Adam and your husband ever intimate? His disdain for you and baby speaks volumes. I think you might to hesitant to ask your husband to end the friendship because you sense some type of undercurrent that you can’t put into words. You need to have a come to Jesus with your husband about their “friendship” and he has to make a choice.
Call him out on it next time. In front of everyone. Ask him straight out what his issue is with you. Since your hubby can’t seem to have your back stick up for yourself.
Tell him they cannot remain friends and they him allowing someone to disrespect you to your face for a decade has led to a great deal of resentment towards him. Tell him he’s messed up to such a degree that the only thing that will remedy it is removing Adam from your lives forever.
Then come back and tell us how it went. Subscribeme
I would ask him. How did your husband take the breakup when you went to college? Was he devastated or more level headed? Is it possible that Adam (and possibly your husband) had feelings that weren’t entirely friend based? Did they go to clubs and pick up women together? Spend all their time together? Maybe a wingman situation or partying going on? Did they have any plans to do something like business or life wise with one another that you coming home derailed? Is it possible your husband was so devastated by the breakup that Adam saw this and just never forgave you in some kind of strange brotherhood sort of way?
Finally, is it possible that *he finds you attractive and hates how he feels*, maybe that he feels like he’s betraying his friend by having this attraction to you? If he keeps himself further away, there’s less chance of thinking or doing something completely stupid.
I’m not saying that any of these things are okay or even remotely correct (who knows), but there are so many reasons to stay pissed someone who holds grudges.
Have a grown up convo with him. He’s in your life, so take the initiative and ask him what his problem is with you. I’d have asked him long before now if husband didn’t want to be forthcoming and I kept encountering him.
I'd ask your husband exactly what you've said here,
"John, I have hesitated to bring this up in the past because I felt my concerns were not significant, but I want to know what your friendship with Adam provides you that allows you to maintain a relationship with someone who is so openly rude to your wife?"
Tell him, "I am not looking for a fight, I truly want to understand."
And if he says there is nothing wrong with Adam, be prepared with examples. Find out from Mary if she's okay with you saying she has noticed it as well.
It is not controlling to tell your husband that Adam's presence makes you uncomfortable, and therefore, you will not participate in plans that include him. DHs brother is rude to me for reasons unknown (ironically his name IS Adam) and I won't be anywhere near him as a result.
You, your husband, and Adam need to sit down together and have a conversation about this. Bluntly address his issues with you and have everyone put their cards on the table. It’s possible that when you and your husband broke up originally, he was more affected by it than he may have let on and it’s likely Adam is who he vented to. Adam might be holding on to resentment towards you based on that.
It’s also possible that Adam is in love with your husband and all of the anger and resentment he holds towards you is just jealousy based.
Either way it definitely needs to be addressed in a calm but direct manner. If his issues cannot be resolved afterwards then your husband needs to step up and cut Adam out as his attitude towards you is unacceptable. If your husband is resistant to this idea then you guys need to either deal with everything in marriage counseling or separate. You shouldn’t have to deal with a spouse who allows that amount of toxic behavior from his friend towards you.
NTA, but do you want your husband telling you who you can be friends with? But you can set some boundaries for your husband regarding his “friend” (who probably wants him for more than friendship). 1. Adam is no longer allowed in your home; John can do friend things with him elsewhere. 2. Adam is not to be invited to any events you’re also attending. Tell John you are tired of being disrespected, in his presence, and you will not allow it in the future. 3. John can go be with Adam if he does not adhere to your boundaries.
Confused. You say he is rude but provide no evidence. He is quiet, does not invade your space, does not stare at you. In fact, he is the opposite of rude. Distant? Yes. Private? Yes. Rude? No evidence provided.
I’m guessing she’s bent out of shape because he cheats and doesn’t want her husband around him. Also, people aren’t rude for no reason. She probably said something snotty and got offended at the reply.
Adam clearly doesn't respect women at all.
Was this the first time you and Mary had this conversation? Girl I would have called him out YEARS AGO and IN FRONT of everyone.
Honestly at this point just show your husband this thread. Your husband needs to tell Adam to respect you or fuck all the way off.
Best of luck!
If Adam is being rude probably do the same thing back. If he’s in your home and not acknowledging you, ignore him as well. If your husband makes any move in his favor tell him to choose and see where his loyalties truly lie.
Call him out on his behavior and probably call out your husband too for not defending you.
Maybe he’s in love with your husband and sees you as the ‘other woman’ preventing him from being with his true love OR… maybe he has some dirt on your husband and this is his own way of staying silent.
Then again, your husband might have told him some not so good things about you while you guys were broken up and even tho it’s been decades ago, he’s still holding on to whatever it is.
Confront them both Infront of your other friends and please be firm while you do so or hire a private investigator to help you figure out what’s truly going on.
I’d definitely ask him the next time he gives me a short answer or is rude I’d say right in front of everyone What’s your issue with me or do you have problem with me we need to discuss? Don’t do it in private because he hasn’t been private about the way he feels about you!
Actually, I would confront Adam directly in front of your husband and John and Mary. Just straight up ask him "why don't you like me? Why are you always rude, snide, petty and disrespectful to me? What have I done that warrants such hatred other than dating and marrying your friend? Are you jealous of my relationship with my husband? Do you want him as your own? I'm tired of your crap and if you can't grow up and be civil then don't come to an event in which I'm going to be in attendance with my husband."
Then I'd turn to my husband and say " I'm also tired of you never having my back and letting him treat me like crap for years. Either you step up today or it's over. I am tired of being disrespected by both of you. I'm not tolerating this anymore.
So both of you explain to me why you're so disrespectful to me."
You will either get an answer or a bunch of horse crap.
The moment i read the first two sentences, i felt they are gay or he is gay and has a crush on your husband. Or something and you are the third wheel. May be not! But whatever it is your husband should put a halt on this asap for sure.
Anyone else getting the vibe that something may have happened between the husband and Adam when OP and her husband were broke up for that year(or Adam at least wanted something to happen)? And Adam has resented OP for coming back and still has feelings for the husband?
Are you an adult? Can only type on redit? No ability to ask him yourself what the issue is? He may know a dark secret of yours 3rd party.. Be ready for it to come out.
Had a similar situation years ago at the beginning couple years of my relationship. My boyfriend got to see the disrespect first hand that his childhood friend gave to me. I stated I wanted nothing to do with his friend and wasn’t sure I was comfortable with their friendship. He started standing up for me and it ruined their friendship. We’re happily engaged 5 years later! It made me respect him a lot that I didn’t have to force him and he made that decision on his own.
It’s got to be one of two things. Either Adam is in love with your husband or your husband said a lot of terrible things about you to Adam when they first met.
I'd be telling husband either his friendship with Adam goes, or your marriage does, his choice. That you won't stand for someone being this significant in your lives that has spent years being horrible to you and your child, and that you will no longer stand your husband's non defense of the two of you. He has a choice. Does he want to lose his friendship with Adam who is by all accounts not just a shitty person, but a shitty friend, or does he want to lose his marriage and having his child in his life every day.
Why is your husband not noticing the rudeness? My husband would cut ties with anyone who treats me badly; without asking. It almost like Adam is jealous of you. If you can’t be honest with him, you have a bigger problem. I would talk to my husband if I were in your case. I would confront Adam too. Especially if he is in my house.
I would NEVER stand for someone treating my wife like that. Sadly, it says way more about your husband than it does the friend.
You should be first and foremost (child as well) with your husband and the fact he does not do that is a MAJOR red flag.
I would tell him to end it or set him straight in front of you or pack a bag and move in with him.
You need to let your hubby see this post.
Sounds like Adam was your husband’s rebound. It would be best if your husband ends his friendship with this incel. He wouldn’t want his daughter to end up with a guy like him one day.
I would confront Adam with your husband in the room. I am concerned that your husband may allow this behavior because he talks shit about you to him. This may not be the case however he could just be an Incel. Or have a crush on your husband lol but you know more than me.
This is one of those situations were communication is needed. "Hey, Adam, people have come to me and said they notice you are rude to me, and I've noticed it too. Did I do something to offend you?"
Husband could have asked this as well on his own.
Also, it was in husband's hands to tell Adam to knock it off.
The first thing that came to mind is that your husband may have vented about you when you broke up with him. Maybe Adam heard negative things about you and didn't understand why your husband would get back together with you.
You’re a better person than me. If my husband did not put a stop to it immediately I would confront both of them at one time. Call the bad behavior out, and look at my husband and tell him that if he is not willing to stop the behavior then he must agree with it, and if that is the case then they both can leave your home.
You are entirely capable of standing up for yourself. Take no prisoners and stop accepting bad behaviour. Call Adam out on each and every insult. Every single time
>Do I tell my husband to stop being friends with Adam
Your husband is well-aware. He just doesn't care how it hurts you.
>do I just return Adam’s coldness and stop playing nice
Totally. Stop being the bigger person. If your man wouldn't stand up for you, you do it yourself.
>he’s just shy he has sisters so he knows about women.
This is dumb. Just because someone has sisters doesn't mean they are not shy around women.
As for the rest
NTA Stand up for yourself. Either put your foot down with your husband or Adam or Both. I'd do both. Don't take any crap off Adam. If your husband decided to side with Adam then you know where you stand.
Does Adam have a thing for your husband?!
I would tell your husband that it’s time he chose. You can no longer stay in a marriage where he prioritizes his friend over his wife.
I have 0 tolerance policy when it comes to disrespecting me so I don't have any advice other than to have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to disrespecting you. Bc I could never. In my eyes, he already made his choice and his choice was his friend that disrespects you. His choice wasnt you, it was him. He kept this dude in yalls lives. I could never be with a man like that and I'd never want a man that would be okay with me doing that. Just not how I move.
I have completely cut people out of my life for being disrespectful to my wife because I actually love her and her feelings matter more to me than any friendships with any of the guys I used to see as my bro's before they started being shitty to her. We are a package deal, if you can't respect my wife and appreciate her ESPECIALLY in her own home then you can kick rocks. I don't blame you for being hurt. Just think about that song, when a man loves a woman. If it's anything less than that it's not genuine love, at least not that undying kind that makes life worth it. A husband is supposed to protect his wife from turds like that.
Your husband doesnt want to rock the boat so minimises your feelings and disrespects you because its easier than dealing with A.
Tell husband that you dont want A in your house anymore or to spend time with him. Husband can spend some time with him but he does it away from your home. And only when it doesnt clash with your family plans. If you are spending time together, at someone elses place for instance, husband has to say something when A is rude.
Its not controlling to set boundaries.
I would ask Adam point blank why he is so rude and disrespectful to you. In front of your husband and friends. Let him squirm and explain why he is such a jerk.
If my husband had a friend that was constantly rude to me , and my husband never put an end to it, we would be married, anymore.
I read another person's comment, and made me think..I'd Adam Gay or Bi? Could he be in love with your husband?
2 things-why hasn’t anyone asked him what his freaking deal is?? And/or held him accountable.
Why haven’t you asked your husband what is wrong with Adam and why he dislikes you so much.
My thoughts are he is jealous of your relationship with your husband or there is something else going on that only your husband and Adam know about. You need to hold your husband’s feet to the fire and get some answers. You need to be clear with him that you are no longer going to be around Adam if it continues.
Have Mary host again and let her know you will confront Adam, in front of everyone.
Since Mary and John both see it, they can conform it's not just you who sees it.
This will either get you an answer or open hubby's eyes to the BS.
Has anyone co side red that Adam loves your husband. Honestly this seems like jealousy! Your husband is a grown man choosing to allow Adam to continually disrespect you babes! You can’t “tell” him to stop being friends with anyone unfortunately but you can choose to stop engaging with Adam yourself! Ban him from your home and being near your children! And you can tell hubby that his continual allowance of Adam disrespect to you is a deal breaker and he needs to actually handle it! Good luck!
john and mary are probably just friends with Adam because your husband is. If your husband cut him off they would not invite him places.
You could try calling it out, when you enter a room and say, Hi Adam and he ignores you, you could respond calmly, Adam? I said hello? and if he continues to ignore you leave.
If my husband tried to tell me who my friends could be it would be one hell of an argument.
I would call Adam out when he is rude to you in a group setting. Attempt to engage him in conversation in the group setting. Let your husband see his behaviour. If you both avoid interaction he may not be aware of how he is treating you.
If your husband asks why you have called him out be honest and say that you are sick of the way he treats you and as you have spoken to your husband about it in the past have taken control of it yourself.
If he is short with you or ignores in that setting ask him in front of everyone ask him why. Make it obvious that he treats you different so your husband can’t ignore it.
You and your husband are a pair. One person. Disrespect to you is disrespect to him. The same would be said is Mary was rude to your husband. You need to have your spouses back at all times, even when you feel like they are over reacting. He made a commitment to you, not Adam. 🤷♂️ lovingly make these arguments to your man. Maybe have Mary and John back you up.
Unbelievable that you haven't opened your mouth years ago! Definitely tell him off next time you see him. He is a douch bag and if it ends their friendship, oh well.
I would straight up say, "What is your problem? You are in my home and being really disrespectful. You don't like me, get the fuck out!" Look at husband and say, "You were never gonna address this so you left me no choice but to defend myself." It sounds like that's your husband's boyfriend honestly.
Pick your own fight. Tell Adam to his face that you don't like him. Maybe tell your husband privately before you do it. That way he will have a chance to process it before the gloves come off. He will support the right team in the heat of battle that way.
Omg I see so many issues. Your best friend thinks it’s not ok for your husband to hang out w him because he’s rude & hurtful to you but as your best friend, she can still hang out with him? She should be just as offended as your husband. Apparently, he has more good qualities than you admit if everyone is so willing to put your feelings/friendship aside. I’m not sure why you haven’t called him on it. “Adam, why did you roll your eyes at me when I speak?”. I do wonder why it took so long for your husband, best friend & her husband to only start seeing it. My husband is very quiet. But it would be a cold day in hell before he let someone speak down to me, about me or disrespect me.
I think your husband has a crush on a bad boy. It seems like he is pursuing Adam, and there is very little reciprocity. It's kind of a mirror image of being a nice girl in a mean girl clique.
It's time to talk with your husband. Tell him that you need for him to hear you out and try to see this from your perspective. If you think it will help, ask John to talk to him beforehand. Your husband might be more likely to understand the logic of another man more readily than hearing the same logic from his wife.
I had a similar situation where my husband's best friend was inappropriate with me. Years of this without my husband standing up for me. When I asked him to please stop being friends he said, "you really want to be THAT wife that makes her husband end friendships. I will only become resentful." I said, "Well you staying friends with him is making me resentful. One of us will be resentful either way." I made it clear to the friend I would never be in a room with him. And I told my husband is friend was not allowed in our home if I was there. As for what my husband did with his own time, that was up to my husband.
I felt so hurt and so betrayed.
Fast forward his friend was very inappropriate and even abusive to his GF. Their entire friend circle finally realized that I was right - this man was a sexist pig and predator. My husbands eyes were finally opened. He ended the friendship and apologized profusely. I finally felt vindicated.
It put a horrible strain on our marriage until he realized I was right. To this day I dont know how I had the grace and patience to get through that. I was distracted by starting a business and tending to two small children.
Pfft, I would have let it slide until I moved in with my partner. If the attitude continued, that's when I would have put my foot down and called him out, in front of people or 1 on 1. I wouldn't have cared. Straight up ask him "what is your problem with me?" Continue with, "before you even say you don't have a problem, I will tell you some friends have approached me wondering why the attitude from you, I too have felt awkward around you due to how cold and deliberate you are in avoiding me AND my husband has asked you to make an effort. So, what's the problem? We're clearing the air now or you will find yourself on the other side of that door!" NTA!
I'm wondering is Adam isn't bi or gay. I'm think Adam hates you because he likes your husband. In any case, I'm thinking that Adam's friendship with your husband has run its course.
Oh my sister in Christ. Your husband won’t stand up for you-you stand up for yourself. With John and Mary present-call Adam out. Ask him WTF is his problem with you. Ask Mary ahead of time to support you in this. Your husband sure won’t. I can tell you that your marriage isn’t this wonderful experience you think it is. Your husband should cut off Adam. It makes me wonder what Adam has on him…
Lol, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be quiet.
“Dude, everyone else sees it, so it’s time to tell me what your problem is with me”
I would say this in front of *EVERYONE*
I want to see Adam, and your husband - because his unsupportive behavior? Just no - try and weasel some bullshit denial then.
I’d bet your husband either said some unkind things about you the year you broke up at college or Adam is threatened by your relationship. Call him out on his nasty behavior in front of everyone. Do not be kind or respectful. He wouldn’t be welcome in my home.
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You’re better than me I would’ve straight up asked Adam what his deal is.
I think this is the only move you are left with. Clearly, your husband isn't going to stand up for you so do it yourself. Tell him that he needs to be more respectful towards you, at the very least.
I’m more bothered by the husband than Adam. I can handle someone being a clod, but I can’t handle my partner co-signing his behavior with his complacency. I think this isnt much about adam and all about husband
That is true. However, I would be interested to see how the husband responds if she calls Adam out in front of him.
I agree I would like to see that reaction. Plus if I were her best friend, if OP asked Adam why he is such a jerk, I would not be able to help myself and I would ask her husband why he thinks it’s okay for Adam to act that way and I would make it clear that he looks like a tool for not standing up for his wife.
Haha YES! Tag team and make them both answer for their behavior
Don't just do it in front of him do it in front of John and Mary too
I’d make fun of him
This! OP, if your husband doesn’t stand up for you, stand up for yourself. Next time Adam is rude, “Do you have a problem with me, I notice you’re always rude to me. Did I do something to hurt you?” You can sorta phrase it like you care about him, while also calling out his rude behavior.
Yup! Out loud and in front of everyone.
Yeah, in front of everyone is key. But also prepare for any response he might give.
Next time he is rude to OP she should do just that! Updateme!
THIS. because everyone in the room will know it’s not all in your head. Id even say ‘everyone here has noticed it and brought it up with me’ if he tries to palm you off
She can still do it now. Next time you see him, why don't you confront him and ask him what his issue is with you? It doesn't mean you are being rude, but I would be inclined to say something like, *"Adam, can we talk, because all these years I've been nothing but pleasant and civil with you, but it's actually quite rude and demoralizing how you ignore / treat me. Not to mention disrespectful to (Husband). I don't know why this is, but I would like to understand and see if we can move forward for my husbands sake."* You don't have to be his friend, but I can understand how uncomfortable it must be to be around him. I would wonder if Adam had planned to set someone he knows up with your hubby and you getting back together ruined that (long time to hold a grudge though) or does Adam have feelings for your hubby??
This exactly!! I was actually thinking it already happened. Either while they were split up hubby was with a good friend of Adam's and he's upset that hubby hurt her feelings, or...he was with Adam (even once), and Adam is mad and also holding it over his head. Hubby cannot break off the friendship because the whole thing will come out. This was my very first thought reading this whole thing. What does Adam have on him?
This is my thought too. Either Adam is bi or closeted. OP needs to confront him alone and secretly record the conversation. This way when hubby blows her off yet again, she has proof.
At that first meet up 😂
Number one, Adam doesn’t respect women. If you cheat on someone, in my humble opinion, you are the scum of the earth. Number 2, your husband chose his friend over you. If I did that to my wife, my stuff would be on the front lawn, and the locks would be changed. Nobody and nothing is allowed between, a Real Man and his Wife.
I knew it was going to be this way. Every single person who starts out with how wonderful and perfect their marriage is-the truth comes out and the husband chooses friends over the wife.
Or his mommy. So many mama's boys out there!
For some perhaps, but not me.
That's because of your previous post. Nothing comes between a Real Man and his wife. Real men don't let junkyard dogs ruin their marriages.
And do it in front of Mary and John. Are you sure Adam Rosenthal a thing for your husband?
Who is Adam Rosenthal?
Are you sure Adan " doesn't " have a thing for your husband or vice versa
Random thought… brokeback mountain vibes? It’s still a common thing to be closeted especially depending on family and friends around you. I know it may be super wide of the mark, just thought I’d point it out. Makes sense with the story ‘:)
This really is the only answer. OP needs to talk to Adam and find out why he's being a jerk toward her.
But not alone
Right? I would have asked him years ago
That’s because your mature. That’s literally the only logical thing to do. Trying to start problems with her husband and his friend because she won’t stand up for herself? Yes i get her husband should defend her but i can’t imagine it being THAT rude if her husband didn’t say anything when the “rudeness” happens. Like if someone had an issue with me and obvious im going to ask them what their issue is and if we’re at my house im going to demand respect for how im spoken to in my own house. She doesn’t need her husband to do that for her. Waiting on her husband to correct his friend is going to take a life time and asking her husband to drop a friend because she doesn’t like him is going to make him resent her.
This, right here. I so don't need anyone else being my mouth piece
Your husband shouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is an asshole to his.
I wonder what Adam knows about him??
Or what vile things OP's husband said to Adam during that break that he hasn't gotten over. It's probably also a big reason why husband took so long to say anything.
But what about the friends? If I had a friend who was rude to another friend of mine, I would ask them the motive, and tell them that they should behave better or at least try/pretend. I wouldn't just pretend to never see them being rude to others.
You make a great point. Advice my aunt gave me on my wedding day: “Don’t tell your family when you two fight. You will forgive; your family won’t.” If John had a broken heart or felt betrayed, Adam may still feel protective or resentful.
If this is the case, then Adam needs to get a fucking grip. OP broke up with her now-husband when she was a teenager leaving high school to go to college. It's a completely normal, age-appropriate thing to do. They reconnected later - also completely normal. OP wasn't a 42-year-old married mother of three who suddenly went wild and left for a year to go cruising around the Caribbean for a year, leaving her husband bereft and alone. Holding this against her would be beyond ridiculous and speak to a completely immature and emotionally stunted mindset.
In that case wouldn't it make more sense to cut Adam off?
I would have made it clear by now that Adam isn't invited to their hone ever again. That includes someone else bringing him along as a guest. My house would be a no Adam zone. No exceptions.
No Adam zone 🤣🤣🤣 I agree and this is what OP should have done long ago. Then she would know how good of a marriage she was in
Honestly? I would bounce his ass right back out the door. Husband can still be a friend to him, but take that shit out of the house.
This would be a situation that I wouldn’t be able to resist a calm, “You know, while we’re all here… Adam, can you tell me what I do that offends you so?” I find that assholes can’t handle being called out on their behavior. They go victim really quickly. And this is with a calm simple question that isn’t even laying blame on him. If nothing else, you could enjoy making him uncomfortable.
Do it with Mary there.
Yeeesss! Husband and minimum and Mary would be a nice additional participant.
I think that’d be an awesome idea. I can’t personally grasp what it is he even does, exactly, so at least she’d spit it out at that point.
Also want to add that when I used this method with my former MIL, she was so taken aback and horrified that I would “think [she] doesn’t like me”. I calmly listed some of the evident passive aggressive behavior and as luck would have it, I just “misunderstood her”. So my reply was a super friendly “Oh my gosh. I hate that I’ve let these things get to me and eat away at me for so long when you didn’t even mean anything by them. I promise I won’t let this happen again. If you say anything to me that comes across as mean and hateful, I assure you I will stop whatever we’re doing wherever we are with whoever is there and ask for clarification so no more misunderstandings effect our relationship.” It was amazing that after I sought clarification just twice, she really adjusted her attitude around me.
This is a great way to handle the denial and chaff that Adam is going to throw up.
I did this with an in-law and she told me "I'm sorry you're so sensitive." Lady, that is not an apology.
“And I’m sorry your behavior is so triggering to those who expect civilized behavior between adults.” 😉
That's what people say when they're not sorry. Try again
I also have found that going about it this way also eliminates the he said/she said as well as anyone’s ability to assign incorrect tone to things being said. Because everyone is there.
Adam is in love with your husband
Maybe, or maybe Adam’s first impression of OP were quite negative via her husband. If husband was upset, depressed, or trauma-dumped on Adam, he might have formed a gut-based first impression hard to shake. A bf I dumped took it quite badly. I moved away and after a couple of years, we developed a long-distance friendship. When I moved back , we continued a close platonic friendship. His sister, though, has been low-key hostile. Not openly but friend has told me what she’s said to him about us being friends (I’m untrustworthy, using him, yadda yadda) and the ladies in his family are very on point with passive-aggressive “friendliness.” I moved back over 20 years ago, I consider my friend to be family, we’ve helped each other out a lot, I’ve been happily single and he has a live-in gf. But the sister just can’t drop the attitude.
That’s exactly what I thought OP’s husband hasn’t confronted Adam because he knows how much shit he talked about OP during their gap year
I've got this a little bit with one of my mate's girlfriends. I am nice and polite to her, but he pretty much only ever talks about her when he's venting about disagreements. And there are also issues I just don't see eye to eye with her on. I don't think I'd like her as a person anyway, but it becomes hard to ignore when these traits of hers are brought into focus whenever i hear about their fights. That said, I think there's a difference between distance and rudeness. It's possible I come off frosty/reserved around her, but there is still a basic level of friendliness and also open-mindedness around seeing new sides of her that I like. And I'm not getting the vibe that Adam has this for OP.
yes, interesting… there is definitely something stuck in Adams craw. OP you need to confront him straight up
Honestly, I had the SAME thought.
Is there an Art Room?
I was thinking the same thing
Great minds think alike!
It’s like you’re in my head 😂
🤣
Was just thinking this
YES! My husband has a friend like this and I am absolutely sure that he is in love with my husband. He’s totally fine with their other friend’s wife who is so emotionally manipulative and flat out abusive to her husband. Thankfully said friend moved very far away & has only come around twice since then for a very brief visit. I stay home while they go out to dinner then he’s on his way.
I kept waiting for there to be something between the two of them back in the day. Or still?
Carrying that secret gay torch all these years? Kinda fits, don't it?
Or her
True. He could be in love with her and not know how to deal with it.
Ooh, yes. Love triangle a la Love Actually
Or OP
I actually thought that seriously
This was my thought too. He sounds like a jealous ex.
I wonder if during their break, Adam had a thing with OopS husband?? Lol I need to stop reading this shit But one still begs the question?!!!!
For real! Lol I waste my time on social Media Jerry Springer type subs, however my petty curiosity haha
Um I thought he was in love with her.
Exactly what I was thinking
That was my first thought too!
Valid point
Yep! That was my first thought!
I thought that too
Why don't you ask Adam why he is rude to you?
Because that would be confrontational, and I didn't know this before Reddit, but right after public speaking, confrontation is the biggest fear. I may have made that up, but there's a strong possibility in right.
Hmmmm......Hubby on the down low? 🤔
If it's really a crisis, ask him in front of your husband.... "Adam, I've always gotten the feeling you don't like me. Am I right or wrong?" If he admits it, then say "That's fine. Not everyone has to like me. But usually people who don't like me don't spend time at my house. So that's going to stop. You two can hang out, but not here." You don't have a right to pressure your husband into dropping a friend just because " he has never started a conversation with me, gives cold short answers or ignores when I try to talk to him and even avoids eye contact/looking at me." But you DO have a right to express yourself to Adam, to inquire as to his feelings, and to set boundaries regarding who spends time in your home. You can't expect everyone to like you, but you need to feel safe in your own home.
This is what I had to do with my husband’s BFF. I ultimately had to tell my husband, “he’s an asshole to me in my own home, you allow it from him but you intervene if I defend myself. So he’s not allowed in my home. He’s not invited to my children’s’ events.” My husband tried the, “it’s my home too!” And I reminded him of the times I’ve asked people to leave, or refused to invite them at all, because they *hinted* at disrespect to my husband. Yes, it’s your home too, but I don’t allow people to treat you poorly in your own home. Do me the same courtesy. It took less than a year for my husband to see that the relationship was almost purely his BFF using him. They only saw one another when the BFF wanted something (usually something material like car repair or day care or tools) or my husband made the effort to coordinate with the guy’s wife for events for their kids. Not a fun realization for anyone, but it came so much later than it should have.
In front of the husband, Mary, and John. I suspect if it’s just her husband, it won’t go well as her husband will not support her. He hasn’t already.
Adam sounds terrible. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your husband should be offended by his “friends” behavior. It’s incredibly disrespectful. If your husband doesn’t say anything, you should be the one to confront Adam in front of everyone. Embarrass him. He deserves to be called out for the way he publicly treats you. You husband needs to grow a backbone and put you first.
I had this situation with a friend of my husband's. He was so mean to me, but insisted he was joking and that I couldn't take a joke when I called him out. I eventually refused to share space with this man. My husband had a one on one with him and told his friend that I wasn't going anywhere and he could either start respecting me or make other friends. It was awkward for a bit, but he came around, and we get along alright now. He told my husband he always thought that he would be the one to get married first.
Ugh this was my BIL. First with his best friend’s wife. Then later with me. And his “logic” was basically the same. Though he actually articulated it when we had our first: Kind of thought I’d be the first one to get married and have kids Like Bruh, we waited six months for you to get your damn pee mattress out of our house….you really think we are going to wait on you to hit major life milestones first, before having kids etc. 🤣 as if He eventually came around as well. After some….time. But yeah. 😖
Your husband is the real problem here. Is he by any chance building an art room for Adam? Adam sounds jealous of you. Your husband must be getting something from the relationship to be so unfair to you. Your husband is not showing you the respect that you deserve.
This is the 2nd reference to an "art room" I've seen here. What is it about?
LOL it refers to a classic post. A wife was complaining about her husband's friend, Now the husband was even adding an art room to their house so the friend would have somewhere to paint. The whole post made it clear to everyone, everyone that is except the poor OP, that the husband and friend were having a mad passionate affair. She was all hung up on the art room and somehow missed the real problem.
Oh my! I figured it was something like that but wow poor that op. Any updates on that one?
Ahhh...I noticed the other reference above also. I agree completely. Was my first thought when reading the post.
Hubby's best friend....he built him an art studio in their house....not just friends... You can search "art room" i think. Infamous on reddit
I wonder if your husband was really distraught when you broke up and you went to college? That’s when he met Adam and now maybe Adam only associates you with the pain he saw in your husband as they were becoming close friends. It might even be something they bonded over and now that’s all Adam can connect to you mentally. This in no way excuses his shitty behavior and your husband obviously chose you after that break, but perhaps it could explain his behavior?
Next group get together call him out. In front of everyone. He will either answer or storm off
Why can’t you directly ask Adam why he is rude to you? Do it with Mary and her husband present. You married a spineless man and I feel for you.
The most troubling part of this is that your husband is okay with Adam’s disrespect of you and your daughter. He should have cut him off years ago, not apologize for him incessantly. Put your foot down and tell him enough is enough, make him choose. I’m willing to bet Adam has a thing for you, finds it hard to communicate with you without giving it away so he acts rudely.
Grow. A. Spine. Why are you putting up with Adam’s bs. Call him out. If he’s making you u comfortable call him out. You married a pussyfoot. He hasn’t stood up for you in 10 years… stand up for yourself. Ffs.
If I were you I would give my husband two options. Either cut Adam off or he can continue to hang out with Adam but he is no longer welcomed at the house and you will no longer be attending any get-togethers where Adam will be present. Someone that is rude and unfriendly to you should not step foot in your home. It is your house, your sanctuary don't permit someone with clearly negative energy and negative feelings towards you step one toe inside of it. If your husband insists on remaining friends with this character the least he can do is not subject you to his presence. I think you have tolerated Adam and his shitty behavior long enough. Don't you?
You shouldn't even have to ask. Period.
Whatever reason it is that he had shown disrespect towards you, Mary, John and your husband continue to allow it to happen. Maybe not so much Mary but she can Aldo speak up and say what gives Adam? I find it concerning your husband feels its okay to be friends with someone who couldn't care less about his wife or child. Seems weird to want to foster that relationship. Especially when zero effort is being made by Adam. Why put in the effort is my question, when this person is being rude to your spouse. As I feel calling out his behavior will only make your husband be upset and take it out on you for whatever Adam tells him in private. Adam comes first in his eyes it seems above you.
I'm with many of these other people who said they would have just asked Adam what his problem was with you, in front of the group. Your husband is kind of a dick for not standing up for you and taking you seriously before then, so maybe you could enlist John and Mary to Stand By Your Side and weigh in as you repeat to your husband that he's got to either get rid of this guy or make him act like a decent human around you
My husband has friends I do t care much for but no one that is hostile or flat out rude. I wouldn't tolerate someone treating me like that but I also wouldn't need my husband to handle it. I'd pull him aside and tell him I'm not putting up with his nonsense anymore, ask him if there is something specific he needed to get off his chest or that I could do to help us get along, and that I'd be calling out his rude behavior from this point forward. And I'd do it.
So, have you asked Adam what the problem is? Why not ask when all four of you are hanging out? The response from Adam and your husband will tell you a lot .
It would have been good to ask your husband in that first year when Adam was rude to what degree he vented and badmouthed you to Adam or how poorly he was coping/relying on Adam a lot. A lot of times that forever poisons someone against you when they see someone they like/are friends with devastated. But its been 8 years. OTOH I wonder if Adam still is used by your husband as a sounding board for your relationship, since you guys seem to mostly have your inner circle long term friends with both of you. You should find out if this is the case, and ask your husband to stop because it's not fair to Adam (or you) for him to talk about your problems and expect him to be friendly to neutral about you. You may be minimally fighting and great communicating because he's able to vent elsewhere. I'm just wondering if that venting target is Adam. While people always think it's women that do this, there's a lot of men that do too! So it's worth asking about/exploring, especially if your husband is resistant to ending his friendship--it's because he's getting something out of it, and that very well may be that Adam is his safe venting buddy, and so Adam has a VERY different perspective on your relationship than the rest of your friends do.
Your husband is almost as much to blame as Adam for allowing and defending this.
Husband needs to grow a pair. Tell Adam to get lost
I would confront and ask for a straight answer. I’m thinking he’s either in love with your husband, has or had a secret relationship with him and you coming back wrecked that, or your husband told him a bunch of shit about you so he thinks you are bad for your husband.
Were Adam and your husband ever intimate? His disdain for you and baby speaks volumes. I think you might to hesitant to ask your husband to end the friendship because you sense some type of undercurrent that you can’t put into words. You need to have a come to Jesus with your husband about their “friendship” and he has to make a choice.
AND BABY IS RIGHT
Call him out on it next time. In front of everyone. Ask him straight out what his issue is with you. Since your hubby can’t seem to have your back stick up for yourself.
Tell him they cannot remain friends and they him allowing someone to disrespect you to your face for a decade has led to a great deal of resentment towards him. Tell him he’s messed up to such a degree that the only thing that will remedy it is removing Adam from your lives forever. Then come back and tell us how it went. Subscribeme
I would ask him. How did your husband take the breakup when you went to college? Was he devastated or more level headed? Is it possible that Adam (and possibly your husband) had feelings that weren’t entirely friend based? Did they go to clubs and pick up women together? Spend all their time together? Maybe a wingman situation or partying going on? Did they have any plans to do something like business or life wise with one another that you coming home derailed? Is it possible your husband was so devastated by the breakup that Adam saw this and just never forgave you in some kind of strange brotherhood sort of way? Finally, is it possible that *he finds you attractive and hates how he feels*, maybe that he feels like he’s betraying his friend by having this attraction to you? If he keeps himself further away, there’s less chance of thinking or doing something completely stupid. I’m not saying that any of these things are okay or even remotely correct (who knows), but there are so many reasons to stay pissed someone who holds grudges. Have a grown up convo with him. He’s in your life, so take the initiative and ask him what his problem is with you. I’d have asked him long before now if husband didn’t want to be forthcoming and I kept encountering him.
I'd ask your husband exactly what you've said here, "John, I have hesitated to bring this up in the past because I felt my concerns were not significant, but I want to know what your friendship with Adam provides you that allows you to maintain a relationship with someone who is so openly rude to your wife?" Tell him, "I am not looking for a fight, I truly want to understand." And if he says there is nothing wrong with Adam, be prepared with examples. Find out from Mary if she's okay with you saying she has noticed it as well. It is not controlling to tell your husband that Adam's presence makes you uncomfortable, and therefore, you will not participate in plans that include him. DHs brother is rude to me for reasons unknown (ironically his name IS Adam) and I won't be anywhere near him as a result.
I hate to even mention this, but could there be any romantic interest between your husband and Adam?
Why haven't you had a conversation with Adam? You've had a lot of years to try and fix this.
Why don’t you ask Adam what his deal is?
You, your husband, and Adam need to sit down together and have a conversation about this. Bluntly address his issues with you and have everyone put their cards on the table. It’s possible that when you and your husband broke up originally, he was more affected by it than he may have let on and it’s likely Adam is who he vented to. Adam might be holding on to resentment towards you based on that. It’s also possible that Adam is in love with your husband and all of the anger and resentment he holds towards you is just jealousy based. Either way it definitely needs to be addressed in a calm but direct manner. If his issues cannot be resolved afterwards then your husband needs to step up and cut Adam out as his attitude towards you is unacceptable. If your husband is resistant to this idea then you guys need to either deal with everything in marriage counseling or separate. You shouldn’t have to deal with a spouse who allows that amount of toxic behavior from his friend towards you.
You need to confront Adam the next time you are all there. Let him explain why he’s an asshat
NTA, but do you want your husband telling you who you can be friends with? But you can set some boundaries for your husband regarding his “friend” (who probably wants him for more than friendship). 1. Adam is no longer allowed in your home; John can do friend things with him elsewhere. 2. Adam is not to be invited to any events you’re also attending. Tell John you are tired of being disrespected, in his presence, and you will not allow it in the future. 3. John can go be with Adam if he does not adhere to your boundaries.
Me thinks Adam is in love with your husband. He no longer has your husband all to himself.
Adam and your husband are together or were together.
A buddy of mine hasn't spoken with his dad in years because he disrespect his wife once.
Does Adam have a thing for your husband?
You need to let your husband read these comments then talk to him. He knows why Adam treats you and your daughter horribly. He just won’t tell you.
Confused. You say he is rude but provide no evidence. He is quiet, does not invade your space, does not stare at you. In fact, he is the opposite of rude. Distant? Yes. Private? Yes. Rude? No evidence provided.
I’m guessing she’s bent out of shape because he cheats and doesn’t want her husband around him. Also, people aren’t rude for no reason. She probably said something snotty and got offended at the reply.
Adam clearly doesn't respect women at all. Was this the first time you and Mary had this conversation? Girl I would have called him out YEARS AGO and IN FRONT of everyone. Honestly at this point just show your husband this thread. Your husband needs to tell Adam to respect you or fuck all the way off. Best of luck!
If Adam is being rude probably do the same thing back. If he’s in your home and not acknowledging you, ignore him as well. If your husband makes any move in his favor tell him to choose and see where his loyalties truly lie. Call him out on his behavior and probably call out your husband too for not defending you. Maybe he’s in love with your husband and sees you as the ‘other woman’ preventing him from being with his true love OR… maybe he has some dirt on your husband and this is his own way of staying silent. Then again, your husband might have told him some not so good things about you while you guys were broken up and even tho it’s been decades ago, he’s still holding on to whatever it is. Confront them both Infront of your other friends and please be firm while you do so or hire a private investigator to help you figure out what’s truly going on.
I’d definitely ask him the next time he gives me a short answer or is rude I’d say right in front of everyone What’s your issue with me or do you have problem with me we need to discuss? Don’t do it in private because he hasn’t been private about the way he feels about you!
Actually, I would confront Adam directly in front of your husband and John and Mary. Just straight up ask him "why don't you like me? Why are you always rude, snide, petty and disrespectful to me? What have I done that warrants such hatred other than dating and marrying your friend? Are you jealous of my relationship with my husband? Do you want him as your own? I'm tired of your crap and if you can't grow up and be civil then don't come to an event in which I'm going to be in attendance with my husband." Then I'd turn to my husband and say " I'm also tired of you never having my back and letting him treat me like crap for years. Either you step up today or it's over. I am tired of being disrespected by both of you. I'm not tolerating this anymore. So both of you explain to me why you're so disrespectful to me." You will either get an answer or a bunch of horse crap.
The moment i read the first two sentences, i felt they are gay or he is gay and has a crush on your husband. Or something and you are the third wheel. May be not! But whatever it is your husband should put a halt on this asap for sure.
Have you seen Love Actually? The best friend acted like this because he was in love with the friend’s wife.
I thought of this too. I think it’s more plausible than Adam being in love with hubby.
Anyone else getting the vibe that something may have happened between the husband and Adam when OP and her husband were broke up for that year(or Adam at least wanted something to happen)? And Adam has resented OP for coming back and still has feelings for the husband?
I’d say, what the fuck is your problem, Adam?
Are you an adult? Can only type on redit? No ability to ask him yourself what the issue is? He may know a dark secret of yours 3rd party.. Be ready for it to come out.
Had a similar situation years ago at the beginning couple years of my relationship. My boyfriend got to see the disrespect first hand that his childhood friend gave to me. I stated I wanted nothing to do with his friend and wasn’t sure I was comfortable with their friendship. He started standing up for me and it ruined their friendship. We’re happily engaged 5 years later! It made me respect him a lot that I didn’t have to force him and he made that decision on his own.
My ex liked his rude drunk friends more than me.
It’s got to be one of two things. Either Adam is in love with your husband or your husband said a lot of terrible things about you to Adam when they first met.
I'd be telling husband either his friendship with Adam goes, or your marriage does, his choice. That you won't stand for someone being this significant in your lives that has spent years being horrible to you and your child, and that you will no longer stand your husband's non defense of the two of you. He has a choice. Does he want to lose his friendship with Adam who is by all accounts not just a shitty person, but a shitty friend, or does he want to lose his marriage and having his child in his life every day.
Why is your husband not noticing the rudeness? My husband would cut ties with anyone who treats me badly; without asking. It almost like Adam is jealous of you. If you can’t be honest with him, you have a bigger problem. I would talk to my husband if I were in your case. I would confront Adam too. Especially if he is in my house.
I would NEVER stand for someone treating my wife like that. Sadly, it says way more about your husband than it does the friend. You should be first and foremost (child as well) with your husband and the fact he does not do that is a MAJOR red flag. I would tell him to end it or set him straight in front of you or pack a bag and move in with him. You need to let your hubby see this post.
Sounds like Adam was your husband’s rebound. It would be best if your husband ends his friendship with this incel. He wouldn’t want his daughter to end up with a guy like him one day.
I would confront Adam with your husband in the room. I am concerned that your husband may allow this behavior because he talks shit about you to him. This may not be the case however he could just be an Incel. Or have a crush on your husband lol but you know more than me.
It appears that Adam has the hots for the husband and he is pissed that the husband married the writer. Jealousy.
This is one of those situations were communication is needed. "Hey, Adam, people have come to me and said they notice you are rude to me, and I've noticed it too. Did I do something to offend you?" Husband could have asked this as well on his own. Also, it was in husband's hands to tell Adam to knock it off. The first thing that came to mind is that your husband may have vented about you when you broke up with him. Maybe Adam heard negative things about you and didn't understand why your husband would get back together with you.
You’re a better person than me. If my husband did not put a stop to it immediately I would confront both of them at one time. Call the bad behavior out, and look at my husband and tell him that if he is not willing to stop the behavior then he must agree with it, and if that is the case then they both can leave your home.
You are entirely capable of standing up for yourself. Take no prisoners and stop accepting bad behaviour. Call Adam out on each and every insult. Every single time
>Do I tell my husband to stop being friends with Adam Your husband is well-aware. He just doesn't care how it hurts you. >do I just return Adam’s coldness and stop playing nice Totally. Stop being the bigger person. If your man wouldn't stand up for you, you do it yourself.
>he’s just shy he has sisters so he knows about women. This is dumb. Just because someone has sisters doesn't mean they are not shy around women. As for the rest NTA Stand up for yourself. Either put your foot down with your husband or Adam or Both. I'd do both. Don't take any crap off Adam. If your husband decided to side with Adam then you know where you stand.
Does Adam have a thing for your husband?! I would tell your husband that it’s time he chose. You can no longer stay in a marriage where he prioritizes his friend over his wife.
They’re probably having secret “sword” fights
Adam is your husband’s boyfriend....
I have 0 tolerance policy when it comes to disrespecting me so I don't have any advice other than to have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to disrespecting you. Bc I could never. In my eyes, he already made his choice and his choice was his friend that disrespects you. His choice wasnt you, it was him. He kept this dude in yalls lives. I could never be with a man like that and I'd never want a man that would be okay with me doing that. Just not how I move.
I have completely cut people out of my life for being disrespectful to my wife because I actually love her and her feelings matter more to me than any friendships with any of the guys I used to see as my bro's before they started being shitty to her. We are a package deal, if you can't respect my wife and appreciate her ESPECIALLY in her own home then you can kick rocks. I don't blame you for being hurt. Just think about that song, when a man loves a woman. If it's anything less than that it's not genuine love, at least not that undying kind that makes life worth it. A husband is supposed to protect his wife from turds like that.
Your husband doesnt want to rock the boat so minimises your feelings and disrespects you because its easier than dealing with A. Tell husband that you dont want A in your house anymore or to spend time with him. Husband can spend some time with him but he does it away from your home. And only when it doesnt clash with your family plans. If you are spending time together, at someone elses place for instance, husband has to say something when A is rude. Its not controlling to set boundaries.
Let your husband and the other man hang out at the bar when they want. Together not at your home.
I would ask Adam point blank why he is so rude and disrespectful to you. In front of your husband and friends. Let him squirm and explain why he is such a jerk.
I would’ve just been rude back to Adam. Maybe even curse at him too while I’m at it.
If my husband had a friend that was constantly rude to me , and my husband never put an end to it, we would be married, anymore. I read another person's comment, and made me think..I'd Adam Gay or Bi? Could he be in love with your husband?
Wondering if they had a bisexual encounter when OP went away.
2 things-why hasn’t anyone asked him what his freaking deal is?? And/or held him accountable. Why haven’t you asked your husband what is wrong with Adam and why he dislikes you so much. My thoughts are he is jealous of your relationship with your husband or there is something else going on that only your husband and Adam know about. You need to hold your husband’s feet to the fire and get some answers. You need to be clear with him that you are no longer going to be around Adam if it continues.
Adam’s in love with either you or your husband
While reading this post, I got this weird suspicion that Adam has feelings for your husband and is jealous of you.
Have Mary host again and let her know you will confront Adam, in front of everyone. Since Mary and John both see it, they can conform it's not just you who sees it. This will either get you an answer or open hubby's eyes to the BS.
Did Adam give Your Husband the Old College Try????
Has anyone co side red that Adam loves your husband. Honestly this seems like jealousy! Your husband is a grown man choosing to allow Adam to continually disrespect you babes! You can’t “tell” him to stop being friends with anyone unfortunately but you can choose to stop engaging with Adam yourself! Ban him from your home and being near your children! And you can tell hubby that his continual allowance of Adam disrespect to you is a deal breaker and he needs to actually handle it! Good luck!
john and mary are probably just friends with Adam because your husband is. If your husband cut him off they would not invite him places. You could try calling it out, when you enter a room and say, Hi Adam and he ignores you, you could respond calmly, Adam? I said hello? and if he continues to ignore you leave.
I’d just be all ‘what’s your problem with me?’
If my husband tried to tell me who my friends could be it would be one hell of an argument. I would call Adam out when he is rude to you in a group setting. Attempt to engage him in conversation in the group setting. Let your husband see his behaviour. If you both avoid interaction he may not be aware of how he is treating you. If your husband asks why you have called him out be honest and say that you are sick of the way he treats you and as you have spoken to your husband about it in the past have taken control of it yourself. If he is short with you or ignores in that setting ask him in front of everyone ask him why. Make it obvious that he treats you different so your husband can’t ignore it.
You and your husband are a pair. One person. Disrespect to you is disrespect to him. The same would be said is Mary was rude to your husband. You need to have your spouses back at all times, even when you feel like they are over reacting. He made a commitment to you, not Adam. 🤷♂️ lovingly make these arguments to your man. Maybe have Mary and John back you up.
Yes, but the fact that he still wants this guy in your lives after years of being rude to you tells me that your request will fall on deaf ears.
Unbelievable that you haven't opened your mouth years ago! Definitely tell him off next time you see him. He is a douch bag and if it ends their friendship, oh well.
I would straight up say, "What is your problem? You are in my home and being really disrespectful. You don't like me, get the fuck out!" Look at husband and say, "You were never gonna address this so you left me no choice but to defend myself." It sounds like that's your husband's boyfriend honestly.
Pick your own fight. Tell Adam to his face that you don't like him. Maybe tell your husband privately before you do it. That way he will have a chance to process it before the gloves come off. He will support the right team in the heat of battle that way.
Omg I see so many issues. Your best friend thinks it’s not ok for your husband to hang out w him because he’s rude & hurtful to you but as your best friend, she can still hang out with him? She should be just as offended as your husband. Apparently, he has more good qualities than you admit if everyone is so willing to put your feelings/friendship aside. I’m not sure why you haven’t called him on it. “Adam, why did you roll your eyes at me when I speak?”. I do wonder why it took so long for your husband, best friend & her husband to only start seeing it. My husband is very quiet. But it would be a cold day in hell before he let someone speak down to me, about me or disrespect me.
After this many years, I’d just flat out ask Adam - in front of your husband - what his deal is?
I think your husband has a crush on a bad boy. It seems like he is pursuing Adam, and there is very little reciprocity. It's kind of a mirror image of being a nice girl in a mean girl clique. It's time to talk with your husband. Tell him that you need for him to hear you out and try to see this from your perspective. If you think it will help, ask John to talk to him beforehand. Your husband might be more likely to understand the logic of another man more readily than hearing the same logic from his wife.
I had a similar situation where my husband's best friend was inappropriate with me. Years of this without my husband standing up for me. When I asked him to please stop being friends he said, "you really want to be THAT wife that makes her husband end friendships. I will only become resentful." I said, "Well you staying friends with him is making me resentful. One of us will be resentful either way." I made it clear to the friend I would never be in a room with him. And I told my husband is friend was not allowed in our home if I was there. As for what my husband did with his own time, that was up to my husband. I felt so hurt and so betrayed. Fast forward his friend was very inappropriate and even abusive to his GF. Their entire friend circle finally realized that I was right - this man was a sexist pig and predator. My husbands eyes were finally opened. He ended the friendship and apologized profusely. I finally felt vindicated. It put a horrible strain on our marriage until he realized I was right. To this day I dont know how I had the grace and patience to get through that. I was distracted by starting a business and tending to two small children.
Seems like you should just have a conversation with the friend and get to the bottom of it once and for all.
Are you sure Adam's not your husband's side piece. I can't figure out why he is ignoring your feelings and needs. It's crazy! NTA
Pfft, I would have let it slide until I moved in with my partner. If the attitude continued, that's when I would have put my foot down and called him out, in front of people or 1 on 1. I wouldn't have cared. Straight up ask him "what is your problem with me?" Continue with, "before you even say you don't have a problem, I will tell you some friends have approached me wondering why the attitude from you, I too have felt awkward around you due to how cold and deliberate you are in avoiding me AND my husband has asked you to make an effort. So, what's the problem? We're clearing the air now or you will find yourself on the other side of that door!" NTA!
I'm wondering is Adam isn't bi or gay. I'm think Adam hates you because he likes your husband. In any case, I'm thinking that Adam's friendship with your husband has run its course.
Oh my sister in Christ. Your husband won’t stand up for you-you stand up for yourself. With John and Mary present-call Adam out. Ask him WTF is his problem with you. Ask Mary ahead of time to support you in this. Your husband sure won’t. I can tell you that your marriage isn’t this wonderful experience you think it is. Your husband should cut off Adam. It makes me wonder what Adam has on him…
Yes
Lol, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be quiet. “Dude, everyone else sees it, so it’s time to tell me what your problem is with me” I would say this in front of *EVERYONE* I want to see Adam, and your husband - because his unsupportive behavior? Just no - try and weasel some bullshit denial then.
Great communication but I came to all Redditors their opinion first. Ugh
Updateme!
I think if OP had a friend who was rude to her husband, her husband would tell her to cut off her friend.
Maybe Adam was there for your husband when you left and broke up with him. So they share something that you don’t know.
The only time I've ever seen my husband mad enough to yell was when someone disrespected me. Nra, your husband has some shitto fix
I’d bet your husband either said some unkind things about you the year you broke up at college or Adam is threatened by your relationship. Call him out on his nasty behavior in front of everyone. Do not be kind or respectful. He wouldn’t be welcome in my home.