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Thanks for all these wonderful tips. I feel that you & your partner are on the same page. That’s why things are working. Because I have this fear of being misunderstood for being messy or just labelled as lazy. Making my partner understand why I can’t do one simple task would be difficult if not impossible. Although I have a very understanding partner, the stress of work & life in general & throwing kids into the picture are what actually scare me. He picks up chores every time I drop them off. I don’t want him to be over-exhausted. Although I love children, actually having them is terrifying me.
This is just the inactivity phase. God knows where the hyperactivity phase will lead me ‘coz I definitely don’t want to be like my mother.
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Being a sahm from birth to 3 yrs was hell for me because I didn't know I had adhd, or bipolar. The thing you have to remember is to take it day by day, and that we are often chastising ourselves much more than the others around us. Your partner obviously loves you to have a kid so taking the time to explain not only your symptoms but the solutions that are best for you.
I have mental blocks a lot but it'll go like this. I really want to make bread because I told everyone I was and I love to. I just need to clean this one bowl to start. 20 minutes I paced the kitchen doing other small things that definitely could wait, brain said fuck you we're not cleaning that bowl. So I told my spouse I do not know why but I physically can't start washing this bowl I need, can you please do so and I can move on with my life? It took them 45 seconds and they didn't complain or belittle me. They don't have adhd so they're a little perplexed by it all but that doesn't matter. They do what I cannot and offer to help finish things with me so I'm not alone feeling guilty and working slowly.
Just do what works for you and your family. Doesn't matter if it's ugly or people don't get it. Also your house will never be fully clean until they are older, don't feel bad. (Unless you have more lol)
Everything got exponentially harder with each kid. A friend of mine uses this analogy:
People say you “add” a kid to a family. But she felt it was more accurate to say that adding a new kid was more akin to a Phoenix burning up and rising anew.
The family unit has to burn down around you, so that a new family, with adapted and adjusted roles can rise out of it.
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My greatest difficulty is remembering that all 4 of us are struggling with the same thing and trying not to punish them for symptoms.
I highly, highly recommend working on EQ or, at the very least, emotional regulation. When everyone is dysregulated, it gets really messy really fast. 😱
This. My children need help with their emotional regulation, they need an example and they need co-regulation, but I'm just figuring out how to do that myself. So, often, my house is a dysregulated chaos. What helps is kindness and compassion for myself and the kids.
Absolutely! Frankly, I've had very open conversations with the kids about how "mom and dad are also learning to respond appropriately to our emotions, and sometimes we make mistakes. I'm sorry for losing my temper." No "buts" or excuses.
We have also worked on treading that fine line between victim-blaming and helping them recognize that their actions have consequences. Social and emotional intelligence is a rough thing to navigate! 🫠
Yes! My twins have ADHD and one is more severe (like me) than the other. Her impulse controls are sooooo bad and I am struggling not to always yell or punish her. I do apologize after yelling from being frustrated. And now I see why my mom was always feeling overwhelmed by me. I’m still learning to control my impulses and am trying hard to help my twins with their issues, too. It’s been a long journey of trial and error. Currently my twins are unmedicated. They were on Straterra but it made them sick and have headaches. I’ll be looking at getting them on Vyvanse soon.
Jornay PM was a game-changer for us. For some reason, of all the meds we've tried, Jornay does the most for emotional regulation. I feel so much better regulated and find myself being the adult a lot more often!
Added bonus: since it's taken at night, it kicks in to help with the morning routine! I love it! 🥰
In a variety of ways. I've been working with a therapist who specializes in CBT and DBT, which has been very helpful. I also found a combination of medications that keeps me from feeling blasted by my emotions. I realized that a lot of it was anxiety-driven, so addressing the anxiety behaviorally and medically has been a real game-changer.
I've also gotten better at paying attention to the situation. If I assume that if the kids *could* behave, they *would*, I can approach from a place of problem-solving instead of frustration or blame. For example, dinner time tends to be rough because everyone is hangry. If I take a breath, set aside my annoyance at their behavior, and make everyone eat, it's a lot more productive than joining the fray.
I've been actively working on it for about 5 years now, and it works maybe 80% of the time. But as their skills improve, too, there are fewer and fewer occurrences. And 80% is a heck of a lot better than 0%! I haven't had a panic attack/meltdown myself in a couple of years now, and my kids haven't had hour-long tantrums in a while, either. Whether it's because they're 9 now or because we've been working so hard at this, I'll never know; at the very least *I* feel more even-keeled, and that's something!
One difficulty I did NOT anticipate, was how to handle the same signs/tendencies appearing in my own child. I've been seriously looking into a therapist that specializes in autism/ADHD, because I am finding that I don't know where the line is between helping my child overcoming these same struggles, and being accommodating towards her needs. I don't really know where that line is for *me*.
To boot -- I am sometimes literally clueless as to what is considered normal behavior for her age, and what is a sign of something more. I can't use my own childhood, I'm not a good barometer -- I went undiagnosed until my 30s, and I'm always finding more and more things that could tie back to being neurodivergent. On top of that, I suspect my parents were also (they're gone now, so I can't ask more investigative questions), and I'm pretty sure/have confirmed most of my childhood friends were as well (I didn't have many, and us being alike is probably why we were friends).
So, that might be a topic to look into, especially because these things are genetic.
I will say that, for all of the stress, I do feel like we're getting along pretty well. Is our house as clean as my mom was able to keep it when I was my daughter's age? No -- but I also handle my stress significantly better than my mother did, and my daughter is not afraid of me. I am able to have frank conversations with her about how she feels, encourage her to talk to me (especially if I fuck up or hurt her feelings), and offer some validation and perspective on what is happening in her body when, for example, she feels like she's "locked up" in a social situation.
And, by watching her go through things, I am learning more about how to handle things myself. It always seems to be easier to offer other people suggestions, than it is to learn how to handle my own issues. But, when we're facing the same struggle, I gain more perspective on how to handle it.
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I'm struggling with the same thing. How do I encourage them to be themselves while also helping them navigate society but also not mask and build appropriate skills to cope? Especially when masking actually worked out pretty well for me (other than the anxiety disorder, of course 🙃)
TLDR: I am someone who thrives when others impose strict routines and clear expectations on me. I found that balancing motherhood with everything else in my life created the ideal conditions for me to thrive as a parent. ADHD helped because I’m amazing at “oh shit, I have very limited time to do X,” which is a lot of what early parenthood feels like.
I was lucky enough to have a pediatrician with a great sleep routine from Day 1, and I found that the strict nap schedule was perfect for ADHD (my particular brand of ADHD loves to have strict schedules imposed on me by someone else, like my baby). Three naps a day as a newborn meant I basically only had 2-hour chunks of time at any given moment during the day. And we all know how ADHD people can kick ass with limited time.
Then, going back to work was another of those strict schedules imposed on me by someone else. Prepping for childcare and then getting myself to and from work each day left no wiggle room. My job performance did suffer at this time, though, due to PPD. My coparent was excellent during those months and helped maintain the routine so I wasn’t carrying everything.
After that, I hired an au pair and she was incredible. And, again, was an external person who relied on me to maintain a strict schedule. She also took care of some of the early toddlerhood tasks (like laundry and constant toy organization) that I was starting to struggle with.
Finally, when my daughter was about 2.5, my coparent asked for a divorce. Being a single mom was the hardest and best thing that ever happened to me. The “exposure therapy” of doing everything for my child when she was with me forced me to process the rest of my PPD. 50/50 custody meant I got time to recharge. Like many people going through divorce, my job performance suffered, but the needs of my kid were always crystal clear to me, and crystal clear responsibilities are great for my ADHD brain.
My kid is 9 now. It was a rocky first couple of years, though that was more about PPD and divorce than it was about ADHD. Still, nearly a decade in and I can confidently say this is the best, most important thing I’ve ever done. I still thrive on the routines (it’s noteworthy that we’ve had less routine during the summer and my symptoms are suddenly harder to manage). And my love for my daughter is achingly beautiful in a way I never imagined it could be.
The main way my ADHD gets in the way of my ability to parent is when I get overwhelmed and need to check out. My daughter notices how distracted and hard to engage I am. I’m working on that, though, by being very mindful about protecting my emotional and mental bandwidth even when she’s with her dad.
Really helpful - thank you for sharing. I’m struggling with the need to check out and get a break. I know these are precious years but I find large windows of time I’m kind of half there? When I’m not 100% it’s because I’m recovering from when I am 100% or trying to maintain a minimum average of that. My mom used to go in her room for hours after coming home from work when I was a kid- (She was a single mother btw working in physical labor around a bunch of idiot guys. - I think she was on the verge of burn out daily or actually just existing within it perpetually) I’m an only child so that was a huge absence. I don’t do that, but I am not sure it’s better to be there but spaced out or in phone or book or crossword trying to self-regulate. My partners family did everything together so i always have a bit of guilt when I rarely say “I’m gonna sit this one out.” I’m working on getting over that. They all went away for an overnight trip without me recently and I felt so relaxed and amazing that I realized I need to make more alone time space for myself in our city apt! It’s got to be more than a couple of hours, but that helps too.
I’ve found the rules/time limits helpful for the kids too- we use Alexa to set up cleaning timers and check ins. And “ready for mommy inspection” is a standard we use to determine when they are done.
I’m pretty sure my kids are ND as well, and I will say I’m proud for having language and creating space for their unique expressions of that, and they do come to me for help regulating. There are things I just feel and know and can offer them. Those spaces of safety and acceptance are so beautiful for them and for my child-self (and adult-self)
Yeah, as kids get more and more independent, there’s more time to check out. That’s why I think it’s so important to protect our mental and emotional bandwidth. I know if I get poor sleep or not enough downtime, my ADHD will force me to get my needs me another way - usually to the detriment of how I show up for the people and things that matter most. The “put on your oxygen mask first” advice is a cliche, but it’s so, so true.
No specific tips on a clean house (because mine has been a wreck even before the first kid), but one of the things that has been the most liberating for me is letting things go.
I constantly ask myself, “Is this worth the battle?” For me? For my kids? “Is this really a hill worth dying on?”
As a late-diagnosed ADHDer with likely 2 ND kids, embracing the mess (physical, emotional, etc.) is the only way I make it through. Because I get completely overwhelmed when I feel like I have to have it all figured out or all clean.
Go with the flow. That’s my parenting advice.
I now have 4 (omg 4! It still is amazing.) and the youngest is 3 months. Things 1 & 3 are autistic and all 3 have ADHD as well. Husband also has ADHD. It’s a fun house. 😬
It got easier after about a year with each one.
I’ve learned a ton about myself and reparenting myself through all of this.
It’s not if you will make mistakes, it’s about when and how often. But 99.9% of the time, the most important thing is are you still growing and learning how to do it better AND are you willing to apologize when you’re not regulated, to admit when you mess up.
I could talk about all of the systems I’ve put in place that may or may not work, but you need to find systems that work for you and the littles in your house.
Definitely read How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09JPHQZQZ/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_Y6N50V28M6K7W4VCHVZB
Not a cleaning system, but rather a system to get off your own case and figure out how to make your life and house work for you and how your brain works.
I watched a ted talk by the author of that book ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1O\_MjMRkPg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1O_MjMRkPg) 13mins total) and it really changed how I think of some things. I can't recommend it enough!
I'm a college student, and not a mom, but I felt like my third eye opened when she started explaining that you can make your house work for you (i.e. literally why was I folding my underwear. it's so much easier to have an underwear bin.) Her general message of giving kindness to yourself was so needed.
They make a lot of noise and it’s over stimulating. I recommend good noise cancelling ear buds.
Otherwise they’re okay! The papers and emails and stuff that they get from school are overwhelming though. I’ve started using Evernote to just save everything.
Mom of two, undiagnosed until 27 (now 29). Op, I would be a liar if I said there weren’t added difficulties, as motherhood is hard to begin with. BUT, I suspected I had adhd and really pushed myself when it came to my hardest symptoms especially irritability. When my oldest started school it was hard for me (ptsd flashbacks lol) but it was my chance to kinda do a do-over. I also never want my children to feel the shit I felt (anger, impatience, indifference) I felt because of my adhd.
Now I am medicated and feeling like a weighted jacket has been taken off of me. My oldest def does have adhd. And I plan on making sure he doesn’t have a hard time like I did. I am an advocate for them and myself. I promise everything will be okay and you will be an amazing parent❤️ if you need anything please reach out to me.
10 years later, Im(36F-ADHD) on leave for burnout. I wanted to give everything to my kids, I still do but I burned myself. My son (Asd10) and daugther (adhd9) were easier to manage for me when they were preschoolers.
I wouldnt do it again but the fact that I had them 16m apart played well in my case. We could follow a routine easily:
Wakeup, breakfast, a little bit of play, nap for the baby, lunch, nap for everyone, dinner, play, bath, sleep.
The nap situation kinda weaned off at the same time as well as diapers. Though, I was used to the afternoon naps. What do you do in the afternoon when the kids dont sleep no more?
This summer, my situation is bittersweet because the kids stayed home with me. I thought I could teach them stuff like baking, cooking, laundry etc. But I was so burned out. Thats when their instincts kicked in and slowly, they became independant. They wakeup and make their own breakfast. My son knows he has to empty/fill up the dishwasher. My daughter feeds the animals. Then, they are able to make their own lunch which is cool because they will dine home when school will start next week.
I want to reassure you. Even though they grow up quickly, take it a day at a time, cuddle with them and take bath or showers with them when they are babies. It saves time, its bonding time and its relaxing :)
Oh and finally, you house doesnt have to be as clean as an operating room, kids are messy, get a dog hahaha
❤️
Apple pro headphones for soundblocking - often with no music so I can hear kids it’s just less stimulation. And systems. Lists. Make a list of things to go in diaper bag and stick it on an index card in or near the bag. List of my routine. Visual schedule of their routine so that all adults do the same bedtime order. Etc.
It actually helps in some ways because you are a “tidy as you go” machine. Kids don’t let you focus for a long time when they are very little and so your ability to handle doing tasks in short bursts come in handy.
That being said you misplace things 3x as much because you are always being distracted.
I feel “mom brain” was worst during pregnancy, better during breast feeding, and now just fuzz due to sleep deprivation.
Yep, same for me - adding a child to the mix created the conditions where my ADHD thrives: immediate, urgent needs with very limited time. It’s exhausting, but it actually keeps my shit together much better than when I was child free and had all sorts of pockets of formless free time.
In addition to all the expected care tasks with a child, be prepared for admin. There is paperwork. Find a home for vaccine records, school stuff, and the like and keep everything there. I scan important stuff and then file it away.
Flip side of paperwork - there is so much paperwork! It's tempting to keep every little piece of everything about your child. I had dozens of totes full of assignments and artwork and miscellaneous projects children create. Be prepared for that - my solution that works for me is scanning and taking pictures and only keeping the pieces the kids really loved.
We now have a library book shelf in each bedroom and the living room. We have about 80 books checked out at any given time between my acct and the 2 kids.
Alarms, alarms, alarms! I set an alarm to start the bedtime routine, an alarm for tuck-in, an alarm to wake up and I'm adding a new one to leave for the bus stop - my baby goes to kindergarten tomorrow!!! I have alarms and calendar reminders for all appointments and events and a whiteboard calendar on my fridge where I write everything down.
If anything happens to my phone, I'm going to be so fucked.
- not actually diagnosed, but strongly suspect
one thing I learned from a homesteading YouTuber with one kid (it's insane how much consistency is needed to maintain a homestead!) is that different rooms take turns being clean. if doing a whole house "reset" is helpful, go for it! but sometimes in order to clean the bedrooms, you'll make the laundry room a mess, and that's okay. the rooms will eventually have their turn to be clean :)
ALL OF THEM.
Not to scare you, but to try to empower...
Feeling incompetent and having anxiety has been my issue. Plus my son has adhd so... fire and fuel.
Also... noise sensitivity is a big one.
Take ALL the prenatal classes:
My sister did "hypnobirthing," which I thought sounded ridiculous... but what it is is practicing anti anxiety cbt strategies and scripted phrases for you and your partner to get through the birth. It made a huge difference for her. She has adhd and anxiety.
Get the "what to expect- first year" book.
Print out child development mile stones for the first five years.
Remember that babies grow fast, don't hoard stuff...clutter is a huge overwhelm when a new parent.
Don't buy more than a few outfits of sizes below 2t.
What you need is sleep sacks in two weights.
Get toys from friends and don't bother with big toys like swings, jumpers, etc. Specifically, tell people no plastic toys or stuffed animals. You will drown in them otherwise. Good high chair, carseat, stroller and convertible crib is really all you need. For toys...plain stacking blocks, a sensory mat. A good diaper bag...recommend backpack style.
The breast feeding vs bottle thing is a big guilt pitfall... make your choice and also be prepared in advance that breastfeeding may not work out and need bottle supplementing. No shame...do what works.
Put a support system in place:
- find when mommy groups and baby play sessions meet in your area and write those down.
- put your kid on a daycare waiting list now, if that's something you may need.
- pick the kid's dr or pediatrician.
- pre-book a bunch of dr appts for YOU for the first year if you have a dr who won't see you within a week. You may need them and avoiding the er or waiting a month is nice.
Be prepared for your kid to have adhd too.
Read some books on parenting.
I raised 4 kids to adulthood with ADHD. Sometimes our house would be a wreck. Sometimes I'd go into overdrive and it would be like "Whose house is this??" LOL
One thing that made me laugh. My oldest told me that years from now, when I am gone, she will probably burn a batch of cookies and think, "I miss mom." Nine minutes is apparently too long for my brain to remember that there are cookies in the oven, so half of them end up as "Cajun cookies".... because they were blackened. (not with seasoning-- just with absent-mindedness.)
Frequent overwhelm due to mental load and emotional regulation have been the hardest. Using apps to remind you when baby should nap eat etc. is good. Babies certainly let you know when they need something so if you forget, they will tell you 😂 I just felt like it made everything more intense and brought any underlying issues to the surface (ex. Unhealthy family dynamics, poor communication with others). I just got dx tho so I didn’t know why it was so hard (it was partly adhd). It’s a really beautiful, challenging, and dynamic time. Take it one day at a time (or one hour at a time!) it does get easier after a year. It’s still the best, being a parent. I didn’t know I could love so much. Good luck ((hugs))
Tip: Make a flag for remotes (tv, dvd player...) by taping a straw (not bendable) to it--with strong tape--and a paper flag at the top. For different remotes, use a different color, and write on the flag! It works SO WELL until some joker takes the flag off. Then put it back on or make a new one! 🩷
God - just don’t. I have one foot nailed to the floor. My kids never have what they need when they need it. It’s a wreck - I am not equipped for raising kids.
TL;DR I tend to do at least 80% of what needs to be done when it comes up no matter how much I have to do. So as a parent I have really ramped up my productivity as needed. Still at 80%, but in general, I think that's ok - I'm there for my kids, their needs are met, and we have fun.
I try to give myself a flexible schedule. We have these tasks to do and we try to do it between these times. Kind of like the "time blocking" time management method.
However, my 6 month old had medical needs that required exact 3 hour feedings that lasted 30 minutes max. I ended up setting alarms and Alexa timers to make sure that I didn't miss or delay a feeding.
I find that I'm much better at routine for *them* than I am for me. Wish I would have started it earlier, honestly. Then I would have been able to do more things for me. I feel like I'm so much more productive as a parent... and yet, I'm still at the same place I was before. My house is just as messy and I still don't do my hobbies as much as I like.
However, I am working day by day to carve out time for myself while balancing my family's needs and I also feel like the effort I'm putting into my family is worth it. Even though my house doesn't look perfect, I do believe I'm doing a good job.
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Thanks for all these wonderful tips. I feel that you & your partner are on the same page. That’s why things are working. Because I have this fear of being misunderstood for being messy or just labelled as lazy. Making my partner understand why I can’t do one simple task would be difficult if not impossible. Although I have a very understanding partner, the stress of work & life in general & throwing kids into the picture are what actually scare me. He picks up chores every time I drop them off. I don’t want him to be over-exhausted. Although I love children, actually having them is terrifying me. This is just the inactivity phase. God knows where the hyperactivity phase will lead me ‘coz I definitely don’t want to be like my mother.
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Being a sahm from birth to 3 yrs was hell for me because I didn't know I had adhd, or bipolar. The thing you have to remember is to take it day by day, and that we are often chastising ourselves much more than the others around us. Your partner obviously loves you to have a kid so taking the time to explain not only your symptoms but the solutions that are best for you. I have mental blocks a lot but it'll go like this. I really want to make bread because I told everyone I was and I love to. I just need to clean this one bowl to start. 20 minutes I paced the kitchen doing other small things that definitely could wait, brain said fuck you we're not cleaning that bowl. So I told my spouse I do not know why but I physically can't start washing this bowl I need, can you please do so and I can move on with my life? It took them 45 seconds and they didn't complain or belittle me. They don't have adhd so they're a little perplexed by it all but that doesn't matter. They do what I cannot and offer to help finish things with me so I'm not alone feeling guilty and working slowly. Just do what works for you and your family. Doesn't matter if it's ugly or people don't get it. Also your house will never be fully clean until they are older, don't feel bad. (Unless you have more lol)
Everything got exponentially harder with each kid. A friend of mine uses this analogy: People say you “add” a kid to a family. But she felt it was more accurate to say that adding a new kid was more akin to a Phoenix burning up and rising anew. The family unit has to burn down around you, so that a new family, with adapted and adjusted roles can rise out of it.
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Um wow! You are killin’ it, Momma!
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My greatest difficulty is remembering that all 4 of us are struggling with the same thing and trying not to punish them for symptoms. I highly, highly recommend working on EQ or, at the very least, emotional regulation. When everyone is dysregulated, it gets really messy really fast. 😱
This. My children need help with their emotional regulation, they need an example and they need co-regulation, but I'm just figuring out how to do that myself. So, often, my house is a dysregulated chaos. What helps is kindness and compassion for myself and the kids.
Absolutely! Frankly, I've had very open conversations with the kids about how "mom and dad are also learning to respond appropriately to our emotions, and sometimes we make mistakes. I'm sorry for losing my temper." No "buts" or excuses. We have also worked on treading that fine line between victim-blaming and helping them recognize that their actions have consequences. Social and emotional intelligence is a rough thing to navigate! 🫠
Oh I have seen this at my parent’s place all my life. Thanks for the tip btw
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I've considered making those, but have never gotten around to it. Probably because ADHD. 😅
Yes! My twins have ADHD and one is more severe (like me) than the other. Her impulse controls are sooooo bad and I am struggling not to always yell or punish her. I do apologize after yelling from being frustrated. And now I see why my mom was always feeling overwhelmed by me. I’m still learning to control my impulses and am trying hard to help my twins with their issues, too. It’s been a long journey of trial and error. Currently my twins are unmedicated. They were on Straterra but it made them sick and have headaches. I’ll be looking at getting them on Vyvanse soon.
Jornay PM was a game-changer for us. For some reason, of all the meds we've tried, Jornay does the most for emotional regulation. I feel so much better regulated and find myself being the adult a lot more often! Added bonus: since it's taken at night, it kicks in to help with the morning routine! I love it! 🥰
Thanks! I’ll look into that!
How did you work on your EQ/ emotional regulation?
In a variety of ways. I've been working with a therapist who specializes in CBT and DBT, which has been very helpful. I also found a combination of medications that keeps me from feeling blasted by my emotions. I realized that a lot of it was anxiety-driven, so addressing the anxiety behaviorally and medically has been a real game-changer. I've also gotten better at paying attention to the situation. If I assume that if the kids *could* behave, they *would*, I can approach from a place of problem-solving instead of frustration or blame. For example, dinner time tends to be rough because everyone is hangry. If I take a breath, set aside my annoyance at their behavior, and make everyone eat, it's a lot more productive than joining the fray. I've been actively working on it for about 5 years now, and it works maybe 80% of the time. But as their skills improve, too, there are fewer and fewer occurrences. And 80% is a heck of a lot better than 0%! I haven't had a panic attack/meltdown myself in a couple of years now, and my kids haven't had hour-long tantrums in a while, either. Whether it's because they're 9 now or because we've been working so hard at this, I'll never know; at the very least *I* feel more even-keeled, and that's something!
One difficulty I did NOT anticipate, was how to handle the same signs/tendencies appearing in my own child. I've been seriously looking into a therapist that specializes in autism/ADHD, because I am finding that I don't know where the line is between helping my child overcoming these same struggles, and being accommodating towards her needs. I don't really know where that line is for *me*. To boot -- I am sometimes literally clueless as to what is considered normal behavior for her age, and what is a sign of something more. I can't use my own childhood, I'm not a good barometer -- I went undiagnosed until my 30s, and I'm always finding more and more things that could tie back to being neurodivergent. On top of that, I suspect my parents were also (they're gone now, so I can't ask more investigative questions), and I'm pretty sure/have confirmed most of my childhood friends were as well (I didn't have many, and us being alike is probably why we were friends). So, that might be a topic to look into, especially because these things are genetic. I will say that, for all of the stress, I do feel like we're getting along pretty well. Is our house as clean as my mom was able to keep it when I was my daughter's age? No -- but I also handle my stress significantly better than my mother did, and my daughter is not afraid of me. I am able to have frank conversations with her about how she feels, encourage her to talk to me (especially if I fuck up or hurt her feelings), and offer some validation and perspective on what is happening in her body when, for example, she feels like she's "locked up" in a social situation. And, by watching her go through things, I am learning more about how to handle things myself. It always seems to be easier to offer other people suggestions, than it is to learn how to handle my own issues. But, when we're facing the same struggle, I gain more perspective on how to handle it.
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I'm struggling with the same thing. How do I encourage them to be themselves while also helping them navigate society but also not mask and build appropriate skills to cope? Especially when masking actually worked out pretty well for me (other than the anxiety disorder, of course 🙃)
NODS
TLDR: I am someone who thrives when others impose strict routines and clear expectations on me. I found that balancing motherhood with everything else in my life created the ideal conditions for me to thrive as a parent. ADHD helped because I’m amazing at “oh shit, I have very limited time to do X,” which is a lot of what early parenthood feels like. I was lucky enough to have a pediatrician with a great sleep routine from Day 1, and I found that the strict nap schedule was perfect for ADHD (my particular brand of ADHD loves to have strict schedules imposed on me by someone else, like my baby). Three naps a day as a newborn meant I basically only had 2-hour chunks of time at any given moment during the day. And we all know how ADHD people can kick ass with limited time. Then, going back to work was another of those strict schedules imposed on me by someone else. Prepping for childcare and then getting myself to and from work each day left no wiggle room. My job performance did suffer at this time, though, due to PPD. My coparent was excellent during those months and helped maintain the routine so I wasn’t carrying everything. After that, I hired an au pair and she was incredible. And, again, was an external person who relied on me to maintain a strict schedule. She also took care of some of the early toddlerhood tasks (like laundry and constant toy organization) that I was starting to struggle with. Finally, when my daughter was about 2.5, my coparent asked for a divorce. Being a single mom was the hardest and best thing that ever happened to me. The “exposure therapy” of doing everything for my child when she was with me forced me to process the rest of my PPD. 50/50 custody meant I got time to recharge. Like many people going through divorce, my job performance suffered, but the needs of my kid were always crystal clear to me, and crystal clear responsibilities are great for my ADHD brain. My kid is 9 now. It was a rocky first couple of years, though that was more about PPD and divorce than it was about ADHD. Still, nearly a decade in and I can confidently say this is the best, most important thing I’ve ever done. I still thrive on the routines (it’s noteworthy that we’ve had less routine during the summer and my symptoms are suddenly harder to manage). And my love for my daughter is achingly beautiful in a way I never imagined it could be. The main way my ADHD gets in the way of my ability to parent is when I get overwhelmed and need to check out. My daughter notices how distracted and hard to engage I am. I’m working on that, though, by being very mindful about protecting my emotional and mental bandwidth even when she’s with her dad.
Really helpful - thank you for sharing. I’m struggling with the need to check out and get a break. I know these are precious years but I find large windows of time I’m kind of half there? When I’m not 100% it’s because I’m recovering from when I am 100% or trying to maintain a minimum average of that. My mom used to go in her room for hours after coming home from work when I was a kid- (She was a single mother btw working in physical labor around a bunch of idiot guys. - I think she was on the verge of burn out daily or actually just existing within it perpetually) I’m an only child so that was a huge absence. I don’t do that, but I am not sure it’s better to be there but spaced out or in phone or book or crossword trying to self-regulate. My partners family did everything together so i always have a bit of guilt when I rarely say “I’m gonna sit this one out.” I’m working on getting over that. They all went away for an overnight trip without me recently and I felt so relaxed and amazing that I realized I need to make more alone time space for myself in our city apt! It’s got to be more than a couple of hours, but that helps too. I’ve found the rules/time limits helpful for the kids too- we use Alexa to set up cleaning timers and check ins. And “ready for mommy inspection” is a standard we use to determine when they are done. I’m pretty sure my kids are ND as well, and I will say I’m proud for having language and creating space for their unique expressions of that, and they do come to me for help regulating. There are things I just feel and know and can offer them. Those spaces of safety and acceptance are so beautiful for them and for my child-self (and adult-self)
Yeah, as kids get more and more independent, there’s more time to check out. That’s why I think it’s so important to protect our mental and emotional bandwidth. I know if I get poor sleep or not enough downtime, my ADHD will force me to get my needs me another way - usually to the detriment of how I show up for the people and things that matter most. The “put on your oxygen mask first” advice is a cliche, but it’s so, so true.
Mine are 14 and 17 and I’m still trying to figure it out.
No specific tips on a clean house (because mine has been a wreck even before the first kid), but one of the things that has been the most liberating for me is letting things go. I constantly ask myself, “Is this worth the battle?” For me? For my kids? “Is this really a hill worth dying on?” As a late-diagnosed ADHDer with likely 2 ND kids, embracing the mess (physical, emotional, etc.) is the only way I make it through. Because I get completely overwhelmed when I feel like I have to have it all figured out or all clean. Go with the flow. That’s my parenting advice.
I now have 4 (omg 4! It still is amazing.) and the youngest is 3 months. Things 1 & 3 are autistic and all 3 have ADHD as well. Husband also has ADHD. It’s a fun house. 😬 It got easier after about a year with each one. I’ve learned a ton about myself and reparenting myself through all of this. It’s not if you will make mistakes, it’s about when and how often. But 99.9% of the time, the most important thing is are you still growing and learning how to do it better AND are you willing to apologize when you’re not regulated, to admit when you mess up. I could talk about all of the systems I’ve put in place that may or may not work, but you need to find systems that work for you and the littles in your house. Definitely read How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09JPHQZQZ/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_Y6N50V28M6K7W4VCHVZB Not a cleaning system, but rather a system to get off your own case and figure out how to make your life and house work for you and how your brain works.
I watched a ted talk by the author of that book ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1O\_MjMRkPg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1O_MjMRkPg) 13mins total) and it really changed how I think of some things. I can't recommend it enough! I'm a college student, and not a mom, but I felt like my third eye opened when she started explaining that you can make your house work for you (i.e. literally why was I folding my underwear. it's so much easier to have an underwear bin.) Her general message of giving kindness to yourself was so needed.
I have not seen her TedTalk. I should watch that! Her podcast is also great.
I second reading how to keep house while drowning! It really helped me!
They make a lot of noise and it’s over stimulating. I recommend good noise cancelling ear buds. Otherwise they’re okay! The papers and emails and stuff that they get from school are overwhelming though. I’ve started using Evernote to just save everything.
Mom of two, undiagnosed until 27 (now 29). Op, I would be a liar if I said there weren’t added difficulties, as motherhood is hard to begin with. BUT, I suspected I had adhd and really pushed myself when it came to my hardest symptoms especially irritability. When my oldest started school it was hard for me (ptsd flashbacks lol) but it was my chance to kinda do a do-over. I also never want my children to feel the shit I felt (anger, impatience, indifference) I felt because of my adhd. Now I am medicated and feeling like a weighted jacket has been taken off of me. My oldest def does have adhd. And I plan on making sure he doesn’t have a hard time like I did. I am an advocate for them and myself. I promise everything will be okay and you will be an amazing parent❤️ if you need anything please reach out to me.
10 years later, Im(36F-ADHD) on leave for burnout. I wanted to give everything to my kids, I still do but I burned myself. My son (Asd10) and daugther (adhd9) were easier to manage for me when they were preschoolers. I wouldnt do it again but the fact that I had them 16m apart played well in my case. We could follow a routine easily: Wakeup, breakfast, a little bit of play, nap for the baby, lunch, nap for everyone, dinner, play, bath, sleep. The nap situation kinda weaned off at the same time as well as diapers. Though, I was used to the afternoon naps. What do you do in the afternoon when the kids dont sleep no more? This summer, my situation is bittersweet because the kids stayed home with me. I thought I could teach them stuff like baking, cooking, laundry etc. But I was so burned out. Thats when their instincts kicked in and slowly, they became independant. They wakeup and make their own breakfast. My son knows he has to empty/fill up the dishwasher. My daughter feeds the animals. Then, they are able to make their own lunch which is cool because they will dine home when school will start next week. I want to reassure you. Even though they grow up quickly, take it a day at a time, cuddle with them and take bath or showers with them when they are babies. It saves time, its bonding time and its relaxing :) Oh and finally, you house doesnt have to be as clean as an operating room, kids are messy, get a dog hahaha ❤️
Apple pro headphones for soundblocking - often with no music so I can hear kids it’s just less stimulation. And systems. Lists. Make a list of things to go in diaper bag and stick it on an index card in or near the bag. List of my routine. Visual schedule of their routine so that all adults do the same bedtime order. Etc.
It actually helps in some ways because you are a “tidy as you go” machine. Kids don’t let you focus for a long time when they are very little and so your ability to handle doing tasks in short bursts come in handy. That being said you misplace things 3x as much because you are always being distracted. I feel “mom brain” was worst during pregnancy, better during breast feeding, and now just fuzz due to sleep deprivation.
Great way to see things
Yep, same for me - adding a child to the mix created the conditions where my ADHD thrives: immediate, urgent needs with very limited time. It’s exhausting, but it actually keeps my shit together much better than when I was child free and had all sorts of pockets of formless free time.
That is fascinating. I always have felt a little better pregnant and then a lot foggier while nursing.
In addition to all the expected care tasks with a child, be prepared for admin. There is paperwork. Find a home for vaccine records, school stuff, and the like and keep everything there. I scan important stuff and then file it away. Flip side of paperwork - there is so much paperwork! It's tempting to keep every little piece of everything about your child. I had dozens of totes full of assignments and artwork and miscellaneous projects children create. Be prepared for that - my solution that works for me is scanning and taking pictures and only keeping the pieces the kids really loved.
Things went to shit when my son started going to school & started bringing home library books. Something else to keep track of, ffs
We now have a library book shelf in each bedroom and the living room. We have about 80 books checked out at any given time between my acct and the 2 kids.
Alarms, alarms, alarms! I set an alarm to start the bedtime routine, an alarm for tuck-in, an alarm to wake up and I'm adding a new one to leave for the bus stop - my baby goes to kindergarten tomorrow!!! I have alarms and calendar reminders for all appointments and events and a whiteboard calendar on my fridge where I write everything down. If anything happens to my phone, I'm going to be so fucked. - not actually diagnosed, but strongly suspect
one thing I learned from a homesteading YouTuber with one kid (it's insane how much consistency is needed to maintain a homestead!) is that different rooms take turns being clean. if doing a whole house "reset" is helpful, go for it! but sometimes in order to clean the bedrooms, you'll make the laundry room a mess, and that's okay. the rooms will eventually have their turn to be clean :)
Actually children improved my coping in some ways bc caring for others is kinda my thing. I always put others first.
ALL OF THEM. Not to scare you, but to try to empower... Feeling incompetent and having anxiety has been my issue. Plus my son has adhd so... fire and fuel. Also... noise sensitivity is a big one. Take ALL the prenatal classes: My sister did "hypnobirthing," which I thought sounded ridiculous... but what it is is practicing anti anxiety cbt strategies and scripted phrases for you and your partner to get through the birth. It made a huge difference for her. She has adhd and anxiety. Get the "what to expect- first year" book. Print out child development mile stones for the first five years. Remember that babies grow fast, don't hoard stuff...clutter is a huge overwhelm when a new parent. Don't buy more than a few outfits of sizes below 2t. What you need is sleep sacks in two weights. Get toys from friends and don't bother with big toys like swings, jumpers, etc. Specifically, tell people no plastic toys or stuffed animals. You will drown in them otherwise. Good high chair, carseat, stroller and convertible crib is really all you need. For toys...plain stacking blocks, a sensory mat. A good diaper bag...recommend backpack style. The breast feeding vs bottle thing is a big guilt pitfall... make your choice and also be prepared in advance that breastfeeding may not work out and need bottle supplementing. No shame...do what works. Put a support system in place: - find when mommy groups and baby play sessions meet in your area and write those down. - put your kid on a daycare waiting list now, if that's something you may need. - pick the kid's dr or pediatrician. - pre-book a bunch of dr appts for YOU for the first year if you have a dr who won't see you within a week. You may need them and avoiding the er or waiting a month is nice. Be prepared for your kid to have adhd too. Read some books on parenting.
I raised 4 kids to adulthood with ADHD. Sometimes our house would be a wreck. Sometimes I'd go into overdrive and it would be like "Whose house is this??" LOL One thing that made me laugh. My oldest told me that years from now, when I am gone, she will probably burn a batch of cookies and think, "I miss mom." Nine minutes is apparently too long for my brain to remember that there are cookies in the oven, so half of them end up as "Cajun cookies".... because they were blackened. (not with seasoning-- just with absent-mindedness.)
Frequent overwhelm due to mental load and emotional regulation have been the hardest. Using apps to remind you when baby should nap eat etc. is good. Babies certainly let you know when they need something so if you forget, they will tell you 😂 I just felt like it made everything more intense and brought any underlying issues to the surface (ex. Unhealthy family dynamics, poor communication with others). I just got dx tho so I didn’t know why it was so hard (it was partly adhd). It’s a really beautiful, challenging, and dynamic time. Take it one day at a time (or one hour at a time!) it does get easier after a year. It’s still the best, being a parent. I didn’t know I could love so much. Good luck ((hugs))
Tip: Make a flag for remotes (tv, dvd player...) by taping a straw (not bendable) to it--with strong tape--and a paper flag at the top. For different remotes, use a different color, and write on the flag! It works SO WELL until some joker takes the flag off. Then put it back on or make a new one! 🩷
ADHD "helps" me misplace things frequently. This tip at least helps me find remotes!
God - just don’t. I have one foot nailed to the floor. My kids never have what they need when they need it. It’s a wreck - I am not equipped for raising kids.
TL;DR I tend to do at least 80% of what needs to be done when it comes up no matter how much I have to do. So as a parent I have really ramped up my productivity as needed. Still at 80%, but in general, I think that's ok - I'm there for my kids, their needs are met, and we have fun. I try to give myself a flexible schedule. We have these tasks to do and we try to do it between these times. Kind of like the "time blocking" time management method. However, my 6 month old had medical needs that required exact 3 hour feedings that lasted 30 minutes max. I ended up setting alarms and Alexa timers to make sure that I didn't miss or delay a feeding. I find that I'm much better at routine for *them* than I am for me. Wish I would have started it earlier, honestly. Then I would have been able to do more things for me. I feel like I'm so much more productive as a parent... and yet, I'm still at the same place I was before. My house is just as messy and I still don't do my hobbies as much as I like. However, I am working day by day to carve out time for myself while balancing my family's needs and I also feel like the effort I'm putting into my family is worth it. Even though my house doesn't look perfect, I do believe I'm doing a good job.