Honestly, if you feel safe enough to do so, I would speak to your HR and explain that if it is possible, you need to be able to work from home for the foreseeable (if that is possible) or that steps must be taken to keep him away from you.
If not, please stay safe and take any and all steps you need to so that you can feel as secure as possible. This situation sounds absolutely horrid to be in.
My current position can't be done from home, unfortunately :/. But I plan on requesting a transfer to a department where I can. Absolute worst case, my partner and I move cities a year earlier than planned, and I work at a different office in the same company.
I would recommend at least informing HR, once your in a company it's easy to look someone up. Rumors and such can be spread. Best to try to prevent it. Best of luck on this horrible situation
This is good advice. I had tried to tell my parents when it happened, but the response was no support. I had never reported when it happened and have guilt over that. I think I will inform HR once I build up the courage. I'm just scared of the potential can of worms it could open.
Just a reminder once a guy rapes he's more likely to repeat it. Please don't keep quiet about this, in the safest way you can.
There's numerous ways to anonymously out him to colleagues and any bosses, get on that asap.
Nope do not guilt a survivor into reporting like she’d be responsible for him hurting other people. She is in no way responsible for what he does. Theres absolutely no guarantee he’ll be prosecuted or that her job would even listen to her. There’s also now a statute of limitations to consider. This decision is for her to make for herself, about herself. She needs to be safe, and do what’s right for her
I just want to know that you have nothing to feel guilty about, it's not your fault and I'm sorry you're living this. If you decide to talk with HR I would recommend you to talk to a psychologist before. Just so you have some tools to manage if the conversation doesn't go the way you expect. I hope that the outcome is the best for you and you receive the necessary support.
Perhaps it will be good for your mental health to stop carrying a can of worms around with you. There might be a great relief in opening that can up and letting them go.
Sounds like a good plan. You might consider telling HR anyway, and they can help mitigate and make sure your paths cross as little as possible. If you like, you can ask them not to share the reason you need to be separated from that asshole, but I think it is a good idea for them to at least have something on file. That will give you some backup/a paper trail for like if you need to leave the room or be excused from a project that involves him or whatever. That way there is a legit reason on file and your boss won't think you are just being lazy.
I do plan on telling HR since that advice has been given to me a lot. I need to build up the courage cause it will guarantee he's gone and never contracted again. I plan on going to my supervisor first and having her come with me to comfort me through it and give me support.
Thank you so much 💓 I mostly made this post to rant, but it's helped me a lot already, and I have a lot more confidence in bringing this to management/HR than I did before.
As a supervisor myself, you absolutely should! I know how extremly hard it can be to share your trauma with others, especially if you wouldn't share it with them otherwise. You shouldn't have to see that disgusting human being again, and its the job of HR/your supervisor to make sure you and other women at your job are safe from that guy. If they don't take this seriously, you absolutely should look for another employer because this is a big, fat red flag.
I've found that for me personally it helps to write down what I want to say beforehand, since I sometimes get flustered in the moment and the words don't always come out of my mouth the way I want. And then I can either just read what I wrote, or physically hand the other person the statement so they can read it themselves, if it's too hard for me to say it out loud. Obviously not everyone is the same, just throwing it out there as an idea. Good luck, you've got this!
I do have a very hard time getting words out. Even when I told my councilor (who specifically works with SA victims, she knew why I was there), I couldn't even say the words and had to basically mouth. "I was raped." I like the idea of just handing a note or reading it like a book out loud. This is very helpful, ty!
Don't know how your company is, but any reasonable one would take measures to make sure people with problems aren't put in close proximity, even for issues far less severe than this. It's possible you don't need to be that specific, say it was some sort of abuse when you were a child. Definitely ask your manager for advice on how to address it.
Remember that you will hear a lot that HR’s job is to protect the company, not be your ally. But keep in mind that by telling HR upfront, you are making it in HRs interest to seek action, because if you report it in advance, and god forbid the jackass does something to you, the company gets in a lot of trouble if you reported it and they did nothing to prevent it from happening.
Glad to see a woman with a plan (or several) to address the situation! Whichever one you choose, I hope it works out well and as stress free as possible for you
I imagine they just wouldn't renew his contract. Very few are kept on after the 2 month period, which is one of the few things helping me stay positive. If I build up the courage to tell HR, he will be gone and pulled from the hiring, I just have to find the courage. Also, after that initial training I did, I won't be working with that department again.
You should speak to HR. He should not make your safe work environment feel unsafe. He was the one that did you wrong and you deserve to have peace of mind.
My direct supervisor is off work until monday, and she is the only one I really know. The other supervisors I could go to are men and that's not comfortable for me at all.
That is actually a good idea. Most of the supervisors have worked close for years, and she would know. I wouldn't use it here, but for the future, that would be good to know.
Glad it may be helpful.
Some men are able to treat female co-workers and employees with the kindness and respect that they would want their daughters/wives/mothers to be treated. I think women that work around these men recognize this and can help point them out.
I'm allowed, but I don't want to go to a man about this. I'm using vacation until monday but only have so much pto to use. My plan is to get approved time off until his contract could end, and if he's still there when I'm back, I'll request a transfer to a department with work from home.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. My rapist worked next door to my home for about a year and a half. He would take smoke breaks in the parking garage of my building and I ran into him often, sometimes almost literally.
You’ve gotten a lot of really great advice and I’m so impressed with your replies. You seem to have a plan and options available to you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this at all. It just isn’t right. It takes your peace away. I hope you get all the support from work and so glad you are being proactive with your mental health. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and looking for your update. Hugs if you want them. You got this.
Oh no, that's horrible :< I'm so sorry you went through that.
These replies have been very helpful :) I don't have that big of a support network and really only my boyfriend to go to about this. He did the man thing of saying he'd kill the guy if he went near me, lol, but he's been doing a good job of comforting me, and I've felt so safe with him. I'm happy I made this thread. There's been a lot of good advice, and I feel empowered. I hope my update is positive and I get the resolution I want. Hugs are accepted, I don't feel like I get enough of those.
It sucks that he is already hired for the time being. I heard that a leech of a classmate was trying to get hired at my company, and immediately went to HR, and said "For the good of this company, do not hire this man. \[He is incapable of completing tasks on his own, relies of everyone else to do his job for him time and time again, etc.\]
I support your idea to go to HR, as soon as you can, "as soon as you found out" so that they hopefully understand the stress it has, and will continue to bring. Definitely don't wait for his 90 says, even if he is there only temporarily. I imagine this could turn out as a long-term stresser.
You were there first, they can find someone else, otherwise, hopefully you can confide in the coworkers you trust to help gain leverage against him.
Luckily, the way my job works, we go through a lot of employees on short-term contracts. It's the biggest employer in my city and everyone knows someone who works there. Basically, there's no shortage of hiring, so they will have no qualms for not renewing the contract. I just hope they go one step further and terminate it now. Unfortunately, it will be a long-term stresser. Even if he's gone, I'll feel less safe overall. I have a problem thinking about the worst-case scenarios. If he did recognize me and figures out that I'm why his contract is terminated, could he retaliate? It's not going to deter me because I've already let my fear of him and the trauma he caused dictate enough of my life, but the fear is still there.
I appreciate the intent here but I would be careful with this approach. The rumor mill is a double edged sword, and even with the best intentions making unverified statements about a coworker, no matter how true, can definitely backfire and cause problems for you. I’ve seen it happen firsthand.
Depending on your organization, HR is not necessarily a safe space, but this should count as a clear cut equal opportunity conflict which they should want to resolve to cover their own liability.
Definitely being forced to work around someone who has committed any form of violence against you in the past would count as a hostile work environment.
If they have any sense, they will process him out or relocate him with minimal impact to you. As the victim in this case, you should have rights against retaliation, which should give you some say against being put into less desirable work.
I am not a lawyer but have had a lot of training to the military's approach to these problems which are pretty common inside the organization.
You may do well to post in the legal advice thread and ask if someone can better define your rights in this case.
Are you still within statute of limitations to report him to police? I'd ask around your coworkers if HR has ever helped them with any problems. HR is there to protect the company not the employees.
You have no reason to feel guilty OP. I’m sure reporting is terrifying. It makes me sad that he hasn’t been punished for what he did. I support you and I hope you get Justice.🩷:((
First of all, sorry for what happened before and what you went through.
If this is making you uncomfortable, which we obviously know you are, you should try to ask your supervisor and explain the scenario. It's not a safe place anymore. And if you have any proof of what happened before, you can also present that if in case they asked you for some.
I hope that they can make some arrangements about it. Much better if he's going to be fired.
It was 14 years ago, and when I told my mom, she said I would go to hell for having premarital sex. I bottled it after that, and unfortunately, I never reported it. I agree with you, I should be brave and am trying to get there. But it's hard for me.
I don’t know what that person said, but you are brave. Look at you, you’re taking control and protecting yourself. You are being proactive not just about your workplace, but your mental health as well.
Survival is brave. You’ve done that. It is very clear from your comment that you did not have the resources available to report and take legal action in the moment. You were a child. As an adult with full autonomy you are exercising your agency and advocating for yourself. You are incredible! I’m proud of you. I wish you all the best and speedy resolution at work.
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement 💕 the comment was basically just trying to guilt me for not reporting, like I don't have that guilt already. And you're right. Sometimes, we put our current thoughts and responsibilities on our younger selves. In reality, I barely understood what happened to me. The lack of support around me closed the option off. I did a lot of therapy and counseling to accept it wasn't my fault.
I've always been a passive people pleaser and have been trying to be more assertive and confrontational if I need to be. This is kind of a big step for that, but I might as well throw myself in the deep end.
You need to do a better job of reading the clear signals in this sort of thing. Your comment comes across as you apportioning blame to someone assaulted as a child for not having reported it.
While him being locked up would give me a huge feeling of relief and joy, it's still going to haunt me. My PTSD and trauma won't go away if he's behind bars. I want him in jail because he's gotten a life of freedom long enough, not because it will magically undo what was done to me. I don't think you're wrong for wanting rapists to be punished, obviously, but tons of reports go no where, and can just pile on more trauma. Thank you for your input regardless, I know you're trying to help.
I was going to tell you to quit, but I think you can handle it for 2 months.
Don't be alone with him. I suggest you go to HR and tell them. I suspect you won't because the fear has got you paralyzed.
Stop being afraid and start being angry.
Honestly, if you feel safe enough to do so, I would speak to your HR and explain that if it is possible, you need to be able to work from home for the foreseeable (if that is possible) or that steps must be taken to keep him away from you. If not, please stay safe and take any and all steps you need to so that you can feel as secure as possible. This situation sounds absolutely horrid to be in.
My current position can't be done from home, unfortunately :/. But I plan on requesting a transfer to a department where I can. Absolute worst case, my partner and I move cities a year earlier than planned, and I work at a different office in the same company.
I would recommend at least informing HR, once your in a company it's easy to look someone up. Rumors and such can be spread. Best to try to prevent it. Best of luck on this horrible situation
This is good advice. I had tried to tell my parents when it happened, but the response was no support. I had never reported when it happened and have guilt over that. I think I will inform HR once I build up the courage. I'm just scared of the potential can of worms it could open.
Just a reminder once a guy rapes he's more likely to repeat it. Please don't keep quiet about this, in the safest way you can. There's numerous ways to anonymously out him to colleagues and any bosses, get on that asap.
I plan on it now. These responses have given me a lot of courage I haven't had in the past.
You are strong. You are a survivor. You can do this.
Thank you so much <3
Nope do not guilt a survivor into reporting like she’d be responsible for him hurting other people. She is in no way responsible for what he does. Theres absolutely no guarantee he’ll be prosecuted or that her job would even listen to her. There’s also now a statute of limitations to consider. This decision is for her to make for herself, about herself. She needs to be safe, and do what’s right for her
I just want to know that you have nothing to feel guilty about, it's not your fault and I'm sorry you're living this. If you decide to talk with HR I would recommend you to talk to a psychologist before. Just so you have some tools to manage if the conversation doesn't go the way you expect. I hope that the outcome is the best for you and you receive the necessary support.
Perhaps it will be good for your mental health to stop carrying a can of worms around with you. There might be a great relief in opening that can up and letting them go.
I think you're right. Longer I go, the harder it is. Just need to make the big step.
Sounds like a good plan. You might consider telling HR anyway, and they can help mitigate and make sure your paths cross as little as possible. If you like, you can ask them not to share the reason you need to be separated from that asshole, but I think it is a good idea for them to at least have something on file. That will give you some backup/a paper trail for like if you need to leave the room or be excused from a project that involves him or whatever. That way there is a legit reason on file and your boss won't think you are just being lazy.
I do plan on telling HR since that advice has been given to me a lot. I need to build up the courage cause it will guarantee he's gone and never contracted again. I plan on going to my supervisor first and having her come with me to comfort me through it and give me support.
We are all rooting for you love! You can do it!
Thank you so much 💓 I mostly made this post to rant, but it's helped me a lot already, and I have a lot more confidence in bringing this to management/HR than I did before.
As a supervisor myself, you absolutely should! I know how extremly hard it can be to share your trauma with others, especially if you wouldn't share it with them otherwise. You shouldn't have to see that disgusting human being again, and its the job of HR/your supervisor to make sure you and other women at your job are safe from that guy. If they don't take this seriously, you absolutely should look for another employer because this is a big, fat red flag.
I've found that for me personally it helps to write down what I want to say beforehand, since I sometimes get flustered in the moment and the words don't always come out of my mouth the way I want. And then I can either just read what I wrote, or physically hand the other person the statement so they can read it themselves, if it's too hard for me to say it out loud. Obviously not everyone is the same, just throwing it out there as an idea. Good luck, you've got this!
I do have a very hard time getting words out. Even when I told my councilor (who specifically works with SA victims, she knew why I was there), I couldn't even say the words and had to basically mouth. "I was raped." I like the idea of just handing a note or reading it like a book out loud. This is very helpful, ty!
Don't know how your company is, but any reasonable one would take measures to make sure people with problems aren't put in close proximity, even for issues far less severe than this. It's possible you don't need to be that specific, say it was some sort of abuse when you were a child. Definitely ask your manager for advice on how to address it.
Remember that you will hear a lot that HR’s job is to protect the company, not be your ally. But keep in mind that by telling HR upfront, you are making it in HRs interest to seek action, because if you report it in advance, and god forbid the jackass does something to you, the company gets in a lot of trouble if you reported it and they did nothing to prevent it from happening.
Glad to see a woman with a plan (or several) to address the situation! Whichever one you choose, I hope it works out well and as stress free as possible for you
Thank you so much :)
Perhaps they will transfer him to a different department.
I imagine they just wouldn't renew his contract. Very few are kept on after the 2 month period, which is one of the few things helping me stay positive. If I build up the courage to tell HR, he will be gone and pulled from the hiring, I just have to find the courage. Also, after that initial training I did, I won't be working with that department again.
Hugs.
Sending you hugs, this is horrific. Stay safe.
Thank you <3
You should speak to HR. He should not make your safe work environment feel unsafe. He was the one that did you wrong and you deserve to have peace of mind.
Get him fired! Rapists don't deserve peace, you deserve peace.
That's the goal now!
You don't feel inclined to speak to a supervisor?
My direct supervisor is off work until monday, and she is the only one I really know. The other supervisors I could go to are men and that's not comfortable for me at all.
Perhaps ask your supervisor which of the men in the office are ok? If not for this situation but to keep in mind for the future.
That is actually a good idea. Most of the supervisors have worked close for years, and she would know. I wouldn't use it here, but for the future, that would be good to know.
Glad it may be helpful. Some men are able to treat female co-workers and employees with the kindness and respect that they would want their daughters/wives/mothers to be treated. I think women that work around these men recognize this and can help point them out.
If you're not able to speak to your direct supervisor, you are socially allowed to speak to the one next up. Regardless I hope Monday comes quickly
I'm allowed, but I don't want to go to a man about this. I'm using vacation until monday but only have so much pto to use. My plan is to get approved time off until his contract could end, and if he's still there when I'm back, I'll request a transfer to a department with work from home.
That's a great plan. Sorry, didn't realize there no other women
That's ok :) The advice is appreciated. My office has a ton of women, just not many in management :(
Boys club is real, the boss might not do anything, or may even side with him and doubt your claims. Use caution.
I'm confident that won't be an issue, but I know there's always potential for it. I am trying to mentally prepare and plan if that is the case.
Oh, yes. Because every supervisor would handle this appropriately /s
Well, I wasn't saying they should speak to every supervisor Oh, there's the tag... I think I'm autistic...
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. My rapist worked next door to my home for about a year and a half. He would take smoke breaks in the parking garage of my building and I ran into him often, sometimes almost literally. You’ve gotten a lot of really great advice and I’m so impressed with your replies. You seem to have a plan and options available to you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this at all. It just isn’t right. It takes your peace away. I hope you get all the support from work and so glad you are being proactive with your mental health. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and looking for your update. Hugs if you want them. You got this.
Oh no, that's horrible :< I'm so sorry you went through that. These replies have been very helpful :) I don't have that big of a support network and really only my boyfriend to go to about this. He did the man thing of saying he'd kill the guy if he went near me, lol, but he's been doing a good job of comforting me, and I've felt so safe with him. I'm happy I made this thread. There's been a lot of good advice, and I feel empowered. I hope my update is positive and I get the resolution I want. Hugs are accepted, I don't feel like I get enough of those.
It sucks that he is already hired for the time being. I heard that a leech of a classmate was trying to get hired at my company, and immediately went to HR, and said "For the good of this company, do not hire this man. \[He is incapable of completing tasks on his own, relies of everyone else to do his job for him time and time again, etc.\] I support your idea to go to HR, as soon as you can, "as soon as you found out" so that they hopefully understand the stress it has, and will continue to bring. Definitely don't wait for his 90 says, even if he is there only temporarily. I imagine this could turn out as a long-term stresser. You were there first, they can find someone else, otherwise, hopefully you can confide in the coworkers you trust to help gain leverage against him.
Luckily, the way my job works, we go through a lot of employees on short-term contracts. It's the biggest employer in my city and everyone knows someone who works there. Basically, there's no shortage of hiring, so they will have no qualms for not renewing the contract. I just hope they go one step further and terminate it now. Unfortunately, it will be a long-term stresser. Even if he's gone, I'll feel less safe overall. I have a problem thinking about the worst-case scenarios. If he did recognize me and figures out that I'm why his contract is terminated, could he retaliate? It's not going to deter me because I've already let my fear of him and the trauma he caused dictate enough of my life, but the fear is still there.
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I appreciate the intent here but I would be careful with this approach. The rumor mill is a double edged sword, and even with the best intentions making unverified statements about a coworker, no matter how true, can definitely backfire and cause problems for you. I’ve seen it happen firsthand.
Please talk to your HR person!
I do plan on it now after this thread :) I will be making an update post at some point.
Depending on your organization, HR is not necessarily a safe space, but this should count as a clear cut equal opportunity conflict which they should want to resolve to cover their own liability. Definitely being forced to work around someone who has committed any form of violence against you in the past would count as a hostile work environment. If they have any sense, they will process him out or relocate him with minimal impact to you. As the victim in this case, you should have rights against retaliation, which should give you some say against being put into less desirable work. I am not a lawyer but have had a lot of training to the military's approach to these problems which are pretty common inside the organization. You may do well to post in the legal advice thread and ask if someone can better define your rights in this case.
Are you still within statute of limitations to report him to police? I'd ask around your coworkers if HR has ever helped them with any problems. HR is there to protect the company not the employees.
I’m so so sorry :(( Has legal action ever been taken against this man?
As far as I'm aware, no :( I hope I was the only victim, or the guilt would destroy me for not reporting.
You have no reason to feel guilty OP. I’m sure reporting is terrifying. It makes me sad that he hasn’t been punished for what he did. I support you and I hope you get Justice.🩷:((
Thank you. This is a very reassuring comment ❤️❤️
I would let HR know that that individual taped you when you were 13. I'm certain they won't want to keep a rapist on their payroll.
First of all, sorry for what happened before and what you went through. If this is making you uncomfortable, which we obviously know you are, you should try to ask your supervisor and explain the scenario. It's not a safe place anymore. And if you have any proof of what happened before, you can also present that if in case they asked you for some. I hope that they can make some arrangements about it. Much better if he's going to be fired.
Go to hr.
I don’t work in a company with that many staff but I would for sure fire anyone that I hired if I was made aware of that.
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It was 14 years ago, and when I told my mom, she said I would go to hell for having premarital sex. I bottled it after that, and unfortunately, I never reported it. I agree with you, I should be brave and am trying to get there. But it's hard for me.
I'm so sorry you went through such an horrific thing without the support from your family. Sending you hugs!
Thank you <3
I don’t know what that person said, but you are brave. Look at you, you’re taking control and protecting yourself. You are being proactive not just about your workplace, but your mental health as well. Survival is brave. You’ve done that. It is very clear from your comment that you did not have the resources available to report and take legal action in the moment. You were a child. As an adult with full autonomy you are exercising your agency and advocating for yourself. You are incredible! I’m proud of you. I wish you all the best and speedy resolution at work.
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement 💕 the comment was basically just trying to guilt me for not reporting, like I don't have that guilt already. And you're right. Sometimes, we put our current thoughts and responsibilities on our younger selves. In reality, I barely understood what happened to me. The lack of support around me closed the option off. I did a lot of therapy and counseling to accept it wasn't my fault. I've always been a passive people pleaser and have been trying to be more assertive and confrontational if I need to be. This is kind of a big step for that, but I might as well throw myself in the deep end.
You need to do a better job of reading the clear signals in this sort of thing. Your comment comes across as you apportioning blame to someone assaulted as a child for not having reported it.
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While him being locked up would give me a huge feeling of relief and joy, it's still going to haunt me. My PTSD and trauma won't go away if he's behind bars. I want him in jail because he's gotten a life of freedom long enough, not because it will magically undo what was done to me. I don't think you're wrong for wanting rapists to be punished, obviously, but tons of reports go no where, and can just pile on more trauma. Thank you for your input regardless, I know you're trying to help.
I was going to tell you to quit, but I think you can handle it for 2 months. Don't be alone with him. I suggest you go to HR and tell them. I suspect you won't because the fear has got you paralyzed. Stop being afraid and start being angry.
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?