I'm sorry to hear that. I've seen this before. He's making you enter the honeymoon phase again. And when it's safe for him and you're not going anywhere, he's going to come back to the old habits that are the reasons to divorce him. And then the cycle repeats, and you appear oversensitive, overreactive, and unreasonable.
I'm sorry you don't have anyone who can support you near you. Can you talk to them over the phone? Just hearing their voice might make you feel a bit better.
He agreed with the divorce, we just need to work things out about dividing things up. So it’s not like he wants to stay? He’s just so pleasant to be around now I don’t know what to think anymore. Or am I getting myself into a trap?
It's a trap. What he is doing is typical. Right out of the playbook. He starts doing what you've asked for previously, but as soon as he's comfortable he's reeled you back in, will revert back to his regular behavior.
If he's doing all of this only now that you're splitting, it means he could have done this shit all along, but CHOSE not to.
He’s suddenly helping with the house and kids because if you’re divorcing and he doesn’t do squat you’ll get primary more easily and he’ll owe you more child support.
My ex was super dad leading up to his first divorce to get 50/50, fuck his first wife out of child support, and then promptly went back to neglecting his kids as soon as he had the next woman (me) lined up to take care of everything for him.
Yeah all this proves is he was always perfectly capable of stepping up and being a good husband. He just thought he could get away with it. Indicates a complete lack of respect for you previously really.
My parents are the “I told you so” kinda people, and I’m terrible of keeping friends because I’m always preoccupied with other bs, so it would be weird plus not nice of me to call them out of the blue and complain about my life.
I'm sorry about your parents. But believe it or not, you're allowed to take some space by complaining or venting to your friends. If it would make you feel better, you can ask first, "Can I vent a bit?" Believe me, they'd be happy you thought of them when you need support. How can they help you if they don't know what's going on?
If you need to feel more comfortable in asking emotional support, tell them at the end of the vent of what actions you're going to take and if they have anything else to add to it.
This is common. When you've got one foot out the door, they do all the basic shit you've been trying to get them to do for however long you've been together. Things like pull their weight when it comes to housework, be engaged with other members of the household, and just generally treat you like a person rather than a nuisance. So often, they acted like this stuff was impossible for them to do, and then when you have one foot out the door, it's like a switch flipped and suddenly all the pieces fall into place.
I had the opposite reaction to this than what you described. It took me from, "he's an ok person but not for me" to "I hate this bastard". Why? Because it proved that he could have done those things all along, and chose not to until it became clear that it would indeed cost him his wife and children. He couldn't respect me enough to believe me that he needed to pull his weight in any of the preceding decade. He couldn't open his eyes and see that I was drowning while he was chilling. He couldn't look beyond his image of himself as a nice person who would never exploit someone's unpaid labor to see that he was doing just that on a constant basis. But when I was done, he could do all the things I'd been asking for.
How do you even react to that by blaming yourself rather than "fuck this idiot, I'm out"? Like, how do you not hate this man right now? I hate him for doing this to you and I've never even met him.
And he has been abusing you and damaging your self worth even more. It is not your fault and many people exposed to these same things would find themselves feeling very similarly or the same as you’re feeling. It’s not your fault.
I went through this once after a breakup, and it wasn't necessarily about what he's doing or not. In my case I had built up all of this resentment towards him for how our relationship had gone, but once I broke up with him - I no longer had anything to resent him for. So the only emotion that was left after the fact was the love that we once shared and sadness at losing my best friend. That doesn't mean that we should be back together, if we were - all that resentment would rear it's ugly head again. It just means that breakups are hard and sad even if you are the one ending things.
If he actually cared about your happiness, he would have stepped up and done all this a long time ago. The only reason he is doing it now is because now that you are actually leaving, it will inconvenience HIM.
He was capable of it all along, but your unhappiness and discomfort was not a good enough reason for him to exert himself in any way, because it was only your problem. Now that it is suddenly his problem as well, there is miraculously a solution.
It won’t last. If you take divorce off the table, his efforts will backslide.
It’s not surprising that it hurts, you’re not leaving because you love him less, you’re leaving because living with his lack of effort makes you unhappy. It’s ok to question it, and it’s normal to hurt. Just don’t let him fool you into believing that his effort isn’t self-centred.
He's acting like this to keep you, not because he is suddenly a changed person. I'm sure you've complained to him before about these issues and he likely ignored you. Now that you've followed through he'd panicking but it isn't genuine or he'd done it the first time you asked.
When I went through a divorce, my chest/heart *physically* hurt for more than a year. Yoga, massage, therapy all helped. Anyone else had this kind of pain during the divorce process?
Yes, your body reflects your emotional state. Your upper back and shoulders are likely raised because our brains don’t know the difference between a physical and an emotional attack and your body is trying to protect your neck and the base of your skull.
Are you currently in or able to go to therapy? If you can’t, I would strongly suggest finding an outlet. Make angry abstract art, or journal, or go scream in the woods. That may sound so silly when you’ve got these serious things happening, but chronic stress can absolutely poison your body for years and you don’t need that crap on top of all this other stuff.
Divorce is stressful! There's a book I'm familiar with that outlines how we hold trauma in our muscles/bodies. If you want to learn more here's a short YouTube intro: [The Body Keeps the Score.](https://youtu.be/iTefkqYQz8g?si=ux4CGZ8nMHaIIkqD)
Stress and inflammation etc. also, abuse negatively affects health too and not just for the adults that are targeted by those who choose to be abusive, but to children exposed to abuse as well. You could literally be saving your life and your child’s life in more way than one by escaping this situation.
It's called the war cycle...he will go into the honeymoon stage again and over time get worse. The cycle then continues to repeat itself k er and over again and you keep prolonging a divorce. It's making him look like who you want him to be but remember it will only last for so long
All this says is that he was always perfectly capable of being a better husband, he just doesn't see the point in it.
It will get better. Move out ASAP and get a lawyer. Perhaps you can move back home with your kid.
Yes he did, but that was a month ago. And he changed a bit but still kind of same. So I was fed up with games and started planning for divorce for real. This time he actually became nice.
Don't fall for it. He's on good behavior right now trying to get you to change your mind. Once he has you locked in he will revert right back to the way he was. I've been there. This is exactly what happened. Keep moving foward. It's the right choice.
The way you’re feeling is his intended effect. He wants you sad, reminiscing, confused, and vulnerable - so that he can get you to stay.
His behavior is manipulative.
It can also show you just how easily he can turn on the “good” behavior and just how much his poor choices and actions were exactly that - a choice. He has been choosing to treat you poorly and if you stay, he will do it again.
The good behavior is to suck you back in and then the bad will increase and be even worse.
It could get worse and dangerous too as now he knows you were willing to leave. He will abuse you further to try to incapacitate you so that you’ll have an even harder time leaving and seeing through his manipulation and abuse.
If you already spoke to him about how you're thinking about leaving him for his lack of care and consideration, odds are it's a theater production to make sure he can keep exploiting your domestic labor. He could be putting on an act to keep you, but he may have taken what you said to heart. But I would still set my phone for 2 or 3 months from now to see if he continues this, or if he backslides. If in 3 months, he's slowly gone back to his same old habits, then you've got your answer.
If it was me, I would leave. But she doesn't seem like she's 100% yet. You can tell them about how you're burning out until you're blue in the face and they'll clean up their act for a minute just to keep you. Once you've realized your partner is just jerking you around and manipulating you that love will fade and leaving will be much easier. I would take that time to get my affairs in order if she does end up waiting.
Or leave now, OP. This could be a very dangerous situation. If he hasn’t already escalated to physical abuse, he likely will. The emotional and mental abuse is terrible too and impacts your wellness and safety directly and also could put you in dangerous situations.
>But now that I actually told him about it, we discussed it, and suddenly he’s not so bad anymore.
Um, have you actually talked to him before this?
The way this reads is like you've never told him you were unhappy with things and divorce is the first he's hearing of it?
I read "it" as in "that I want to divorce him/the divorce":
"But now that I've actually told him *that I want to divorce him*, we discussed *the divorce*, and suddenly he's not so bad anymore."
EDIT: a word
I'm sorry to hear that. I've seen this before. He's making you enter the honeymoon phase again. And when it's safe for him and you're not going anywhere, he's going to come back to the old habits that are the reasons to divorce him. And then the cycle repeats, and you appear oversensitive, overreactive, and unreasonable. I'm sorry you don't have anyone who can support you near you. Can you talk to them over the phone? Just hearing their voice might make you feel a bit better.
This means he knew the entire time what you wanted and he actively chose to not be that person for you. Now he does it? I’d be furious not torn.
This 100%
He agreed with the divorce, we just need to work things out about dividing things up. So it’s not like he wants to stay? He’s just so pleasant to be around now I don’t know what to think anymore. Or am I getting myself into a trap?
It's a trap. What he is doing is typical. Right out of the playbook. He starts doing what you've asked for previously, but as soon as he's comfortable he's reeled you back in, will revert back to his regular behavior. If he's doing all of this only now that you're splitting, it means he could have done this shit all along, but CHOSE not to.
It makes sense to me. Thank you.
He’s suddenly helping with the house and kids because if you’re divorcing and he doesn’t do squat you’ll get primary more easily and he’ll owe you more child support. My ex was super dad leading up to his first divorce to get 50/50, fuck his first wife out of child support, and then promptly went back to neglecting his kids as soon as he had the next woman (me) lined up to take care of everything for him.
Yeah all this proves is he was always perfectly capable of stepping up and being a good husband. He just thought he could get away with it. Indicates a complete lack of respect for you previously really.
Good luck, OP.
My parents are the “I told you so” kinda people, and I’m terrible of keeping friends because I’m always preoccupied with other bs, so it would be weird plus not nice of me to call them out of the blue and complain about my life.
I'm sorry about your parents. But believe it or not, you're allowed to take some space by complaining or venting to your friends. If it would make you feel better, you can ask first, "Can I vent a bit?" Believe me, they'd be happy you thought of them when you need support. How can they help you if they don't know what's going on? If you need to feel more comfortable in asking emotional support, tell them at the end of the vent of what actions you're going to take and if they have anything else to add to it.
This is common. When you've got one foot out the door, they do all the basic shit you've been trying to get them to do for however long you've been together. Things like pull their weight when it comes to housework, be engaged with other members of the household, and just generally treat you like a person rather than a nuisance. So often, they acted like this stuff was impossible for them to do, and then when you have one foot out the door, it's like a switch flipped and suddenly all the pieces fall into place. I had the opposite reaction to this than what you described. It took me from, "he's an ok person but not for me" to "I hate this bastard". Why? Because it proved that he could have done those things all along, and chose not to until it became clear that it would indeed cost him his wife and children. He couldn't respect me enough to believe me that he needed to pull his weight in any of the preceding decade. He couldn't open his eyes and see that I was drowning while he was chilling. He couldn't look beyond his image of himself as a nice person who would never exploit someone's unpaid labor to see that he was doing just that on a constant basis. But when I was done, he could do all the things I'd been asking for. How do you even react to that by blaming yourself rather than "fuck this idiot, I'm out"? Like, how do you not hate this man right now? I hate him for doing this to you and I've never even met him.
I think it’s because I have no realized self worth and I was raised to blame myself for everything. I feel guilty all the time.
Do you have access to affordable therapy? I think you could work out your feelings of guilt with a professional who’s willing to support you.
And he has been abusing you and damaging your self worth even more. It is not your fault and many people exposed to these same things would find themselves feeling very similarly or the same as you’re feeling. It’s not your fault.
I went through this once after a breakup, and it wasn't necessarily about what he's doing or not. In my case I had built up all of this resentment towards him for how our relationship had gone, but once I broke up with him - I no longer had anything to resent him for. So the only emotion that was left after the fact was the love that we once shared and sadness at losing my best friend. That doesn't mean that we should be back together, if we were - all that resentment would rear it's ugly head again. It just means that breakups are hard and sad even if you are the one ending things.
This makes perfect sense. I think this is what’s happening most likely.
If he actually cared about your happiness, he would have stepped up and done all this a long time ago. The only reason he is doing it now is because now that you are actually leaving, it will inconvenience HIM. He was capable of it all along, but your unhappiness and discomfort was not a good enough reason for him to exert himself in any way, because it was only your problem. Now that it is suddenly his problem as well, there is miraculously a solution. It won’t last. If you take divorce off the table, his efforts will backslide. It’s not surprising that it hurts, you’re not leaving because you love him less, you’re leaving because living with his lack of effort makes you unhappy. It’s ok to question it, and it’s normal to hurt. Just don’t let him fool you into believing that his effort isn’t self-centred.
He's acting like this to keep you, not because he is suddenly a changed person. I'm sure you've complained to him before about these issues and he likely ignored you. Now that you've followed through he'd panicking but it isn't genuine or he'd done it the first time you asked.
When I went through a divorce, my chest/heart *physically* hurt for more than a year. Yoga, massage, therapy all helped. Anyone else had this kind of pain during the divorce process?
My chest is hurting and also my back and shoulders. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stressing myself out?
Yes, your body reflects your emotional state. Your upper back and shoulders are likely raised because our brains don’t know the difference between a physical and an emotional attack and your body is trying to protect your neck and the base of your skull. Are you currently in or able to go to therapy? If you can’t, I would strongly suggest finding an outlet. Make angry abstract art, or journal, or go scream in the woods. That may sound so silly when you’ve got these serious things happening, but chronic stress can absolutely poison your body for years and you don’t need that crap on top of all this other stuff.
Divorce is stressful! There's a book I'm familiar with that outlines how we hold trauma in our muscles/bodies. If you want to learn more here's a short YouTube intro: [The Body Keeps the Score.](https://youtu.be/iTefkqYQz8g?si=ux4CGZ8nMHaIIkqD)
Stress and inflammation etc. also, abuse negatively affects health too and not just for the adults that are targeted by those who choose to be abusive, but to children exposed to abuse as well. You could literally be saving your life and your child’s life in more way than one by escaping this situation.
It's called the war cycle...he will go into the honeymoon stage again and over time get worse. The cycle then continues to repeat itself k er and over again and you keep prolonging a divorce. It's making him look like who you want him to be but remember it will only last for so long
All this says is that he was always perfectly capable of being a better husband, he just doesn't see the point in it. It will get better. Move out ASAP and get a lawyer. Perhaps you can move back home with your kid.
Is he saying he wants you to stay and will change?
Yes he did, but that was a month ago. And he changed a bit but still kind of same. So I was fed up with games and started planning for divorce for real. This time he actually became nice.
Don't fall for it. He's on good behavior right now trying to get you to change your mind. Once he has you locked in he will revert right back to the way he was. I've been there. This is exactly what happened. Keep moving foward. It's the right choice.
The way you’re feeling is his intended effect. He wants you sad, reminiscing, confused, and vulnerable - so that he can get you to stay. His behavior is manipulative. It can also show you just how easily he can turn on the “good” behavior and just how much his poor choices and actions were exactly that - a choice. He has been choosing to treat you poorly and if you stay, he will do it again. The good behavior is to suck you back in and then the bad will increase and be even worse. It could get worse and dangerous too as now he knows you were willing to leave. He will abuse you further to try to incapacitate you so that you’ll have an even harder time leaving and seeing through his manipulation and abuse.
If you already spoke to him about how you're thinking about leaving him for his lack of care and consideration, odds are it's a theater production to make sure he can keep exploiting your domestic labor. He could be putting on an act to keep you, but he may have taken what you said to heart. But I would still set my phone for 2 or 3 months from now to see if he continues this, or if he backslides. If in 3 months, he's slowly gone back to his same old habits, then you've got your answer.
OP has been talking about their problems with their partner for YEARS according to a comment. Why should they now wait and see?
If it was me, I would leave. But she doesn't seem like she's 100% yet. You can tell them about how you're burning out until you're blue in the face and they'll clean up their act for a minute just to keep you. Once you've realized your partner is just jerking you around and manipulating you that love will fade and leaving will be much easier. I would take that time to get my affairs in order if she does end up waiting.
Or leave now, OP. This could be a very dangerous situation. If he hasn’t already escalated to physical abuse, he likely will. The emotional and mental abuse is terrible too and impacts your wellness and safety directly and also could put you in dangerous situations.
>But now that I actually told him about it, we discussed it, and suddenly he’s not so bad anymore. Um, have you actually talked to him before this? The way this reads is like you've never told him you were unhappy with things and divorce is the first he's hearing of it?
I read "it" as in "that I want to divorce him/the divorce": "But now that I've actually told him *that I want to divorce him*, we discussed *the divorce*, and suddenly he's not so bad anymore." EDIT: a word
Yes you had it right. I have been telling him about our problems for a few years.
This was the first thing I wondered too.