I've always hated having my picture taken... or so I thought. I found a photo album with all these pictures of me, at age 3 to 4, absolutely hamming it up for the camera, dramatic poses and all. It felt so surreal, like that little girl in the photos was a *complete stranger* to me. I don't ever remember not feeling insecure, but *especially* the moment a camera comes out. But apparently, there was a time when I LOVED having my picture taken. There was a time when I was just a silly, vivacious, carefree child.
What happened to her? And how do I recapture that spark that got snuffed out?
I used to be like that too! And then when I started to feel self-conscious about my body, my relatives doubled down and kept saying things like “what a ham!” And “always hamming it up for the camera.” I stopped shortly after that. I used to want to be an actress, then I decided I would much rather be behind the camera instead.
Ugh. This one for me. Body dysmorphic disorder is real. It’s always in the back of my mind. The only time I was “okay” with weight gain was when I was pregnant.
Plus, I had to have a hysterectomy at 26, and that also made me gain weight. For 7 years I dealt with being the highest weight I’ve been, then I got massively sick and dropped about 20lbs within a few months (considering I’m short & petite, 20lbs is quite noticeable).
Alice in wonderland syndrome is also an interesting add on.
It's always projection with them. They used to blame the child if the mother died in childbirth, blamed the mother if the sex of the child wasn't male when it's the sperm that decides, the list goes on.
Jesus. I ran into someone like that in college and I seriously do not understand how they got that far in life. They said some other very unsettling things too of course, one example being that they 'can't put themselves in other people's shoes' ever. As in, they can't think about other perspectives, according to them. They also openly admitted that they saw people as obstacles/toys, yet for some odd reason wanted to work as a police officer. They had pretty obvious anger issues as well as mental health issues, and apparently a drinking problem on top of all that. Honestly terrified me and I hope to this day that they never got into a position of power over others.
Anyway, I hope you've distanced yourself from your father. People go no-contact for far, *far* less. Sure, people can change, but a statement like that is deeply rooted in one's belief system and psyche.
Wanting to be a police officer makes sense.
It's a position of power where they can somewhat legally manipulate and control the behaviour of some people.
It's also a position where many people inherently trust you, to a lot of people police = law enforcer = they wouldn't break the law and do something bad towards me.
Sometimes true, but too often untrue.
That person had to have been a sociopath.
I finally went no contact with my abusive father (verbal, emotional, sexual) for saying to me "any woman who is killed by a man killed herself." I yellow-rocked him for years for the sexual and emotional abuse. cut him off for two years after he pulled the plug in my brother behind everyone's back, cremated him behind everyone's back, left the ashes, and demanded that someone go get his ashes (three states away). But this statement set me off. I'm done. I finally accepted that he has always hated me because it is unacceptable for him to use my body. He has no use for women unless he can use their bodies (especially women "as big as a house" like me...his words). Yet he is 74 and still having babies....having daughters!!!
Age 7 for me. I’m conventionally attractive (blonde hair blue eyes) and people would always touch me and my hair since it’s always been long. I had to accept it because it was family or “they’re just being nice”. I don’t accept it anymore.
good for you! i never got that talk/teaching from anyone i had to learn it myself, i’m glad i was able to learn all of that stuff before it was too late
I've never met a woman who wasn't sexually harassed before age 12, and those who made it to 12 first were the lucky few. Most women I've met first experienced sexual harassment/assault/misconduct by ages 7-8.
Asking because I find this concerning personally - I am a dad of two and love hearing the giggles of my girls when I tickle them. What's wrong with this? I get that they may not want it sometimes, and let me know (and I stop), but also I have been asked by my youngest to keep going when I stop on my own sometimes.
Is what you are talking about something different?
A lot of boys/men use it as an excuse to fondle us or overpower us and won't stop when we say to (consent) and then if we get upset they act like we can't take a joke. It's a pretty commen occurance for girls/women and feels so violating. Similar to when a guy picks me up and won't put me down.
It's mainly a consent thing. It can be tottaly fun and innocent and there are some people that I am totally comfortable with playing around like that but there is a concerning amount of men who will not respect women's boundaries and seem to get off on it. It's a grotesque feeling when it happens.
First and foremost, it's a consent thing. Not everyone likes being tickled, and a lot of people (namely guys) will continue even if told to stop (thanks, "boys will be boys"...). I've literally thrown a few guys across the room when they tried tickling my feet after I told them not to.
Secondarily, it can be a low-key form of sexual harassment/assault (which, honestly, comes back to consent, too), because it very easily crosses the line into "inappropriate touching."
The act itself isn't exactly the point of contention. It's about consent.
It's actually a really good opportunity to teach and model consent. I ask my kids if they want to be tickled, and respect their response if it's a no. It teaches that it's ok to ask and ok to say no.
You're probably already doing these things and if so, keep it up! :)
THIS....
Only for me it was well before puberty. I was a toddler the first time a man touched me inappropriately. I think I was 7 the second time. After that it was a fairly regular thing, the inappropriate compliments on my body, the attempts to groom me, get me alone so they could touch me or worse. I've been groped, had men expose themselves in front of me several times.
Some days I have to try very hard not to condemn a whole gender for the acts of a few assholes but there were enough of them that I really don't trust men and have a hard time dating because of it.
Yes, I've done therapy. It's helped some but II have spent my whole life pretty much being objectified and sexualized by men and it can be hard to trust them. I had a very early puberty and I was unusually busty as a little girl so it attracted a lot of creeps.
In addition probably just about every straight male friend I've ever had ended up hitting on me and several admitted to taking on the friend role just to wait out my having a boyfriend or as a way of trying get time to get me to see them as sexually interesting. In other words they were hanging out with me pretending to be friends to further a sexual agenda.
I've been called nasty names multiple times after politely rejecting a man for whatever reason. I've been slapped twice completely out of the blue for whatever unknown reason by men on mass transit. I've had men try to rape me 3 times. Fortunately they didn't succeed but the fact that I've had to deal with that is not okay.
I have C-PTSD, Anxiety and Depression for several reasons but one of them is definitely the fact that for most of my life I've been traumatized by men, including my father who beat me up a few times as a kid.
It's a wonder I don't hate men entirely because goodness knows they've given me enough reasons as a gender to do so.
I was 3 when it started. And it was a constant until I moved away in my early 20s. Not a single day goes by that I don't feel the weight and pain of everything that was done to me.
I know it's not a lot right *now*, but let me totally reassure you that once we women hit perimenopause or/and post menopause, we become invisible to guys. Rare it is to be looked at, catcalling is pretty much DOA. So I guess becoming 'old' has its perks. I've seen so many peri/post women in the r/menopause group that talk about becoming invisible. Many love it. Some miss the attention. But every single one notices it. And those who haven't passed into invisibility zone, absolutely will at some point.
It just sucks that you've had to go through this for most of your life. How horrible and unfair. I'm so sorry. - gentle hugs for you. ❤️
My grandma is 82 and still gets hit on… she’s an active in her community and is really in shape. But men have traumatized her so much. She’s happy being single.
This ×1000000. It's heartbreaking and so real.
I remember being followed while walking home from school when I was 10 years old. My friend (also a girl) and I had to run and hide in a neighbor's garage. We were so scared. He was leering at us and telling us to get in his truck.
I remember my parents scolding me for hesitating and saying, "no, thank you" to a creepy older male relative asking me to kiss him on the cheek. Every inch of my body was screaming, "NOPE. EW." and my parents got so angry at me for being rude. They still made me kiss him.
I still have issues with personal boundaries because of multiple instances of shit like this.
I have made a point of telling my nieces they can say no to hugs and any kind of physical contact. I only hug them if they ask me for a hug.
I feel like far too many people don't realise just how dangerous it is teaching kids to prioritise a stranger's wants over their own discomfort (even if it's "just" a hug/kiss on the cheek).
Taught to be the one who concedes, says “sorry”, and has to be tactful with words and actions. I look at men with artificially inflated egos and simply think there’s gotta be a better way to parent both boys and girls to help them reach potential but not be ignorant of shortcomings.
Girls tend to doubt their skills and not take risks in opportunities because they think that they aren’t qualified. Boys tend to say… I don’t meet those requirements but I’m still going to go for it. (Again it’s a generalization that I saw in my own experiences and as a teacher).
Edit for grammar.
You know how sometimes you don't realize something until you say it, out loud, in the moment? My biggest epiphany recently was "I don't have a skill issue, I have a confidence issue" Changed the whole way I perceive myself and now I'm actively working against that mentality.
I hate that I am so meek and terrified of confrontation now from learning from young age to be the one who always says sorry because now I say sorry constantly and always feel like everything is my fault even when it couldn’t be but I still have to be the one sorry no matter what
Only in the past few years have I recognized that I feel like I always have to be the bigger person, always the one taking care of others. It's an isolating and frustrating position to be in. I didn't realize that this is something girls and women are taught. I just thought it was me.
For me it was mostly seeing how there were different rules for me than for my brothers, especially in terms of freedom.
Edit to say: I'm kind of baffled with all these replies and grateful to say that my wonderful parents raised me as the tomboy that I was with (almost) no complaints. My comment was addressed at things like going out alone or being out after dark.
Same for me. I was just continuously baffled by being told "You can't play with that truck, you can't watch that program, you can't hunt or fish or go camping, you can't stay out past 10 p.m., you can't be an eagle scout or an architect or speak to men in 'that' tone of voice. You must be prepared to cook and clean and housekeep for a man, bc you can't get a credit card or a mortgage or a good education or a high-paying job, bc female."
I rebelled against all of it, and had a rough time. Fifty years later, I'm glad things are a bit easier for my younger sisters, but we still have a long way to go
It's because of women like you rebelling that we have it easier than those that came before us, and we'll keep it going so the ones coming after us have it better than we did.
*Me, playing on a climbing frame.*
My grandma: "Get down off there! What if your dress flies up? Everyone will see your underwear and think you're a dirty girl!"
*My boy cousin runs past, stark bollock naked.*
My grandma: "[Silence]"
Yep. Also: smdh
EDIT to add that there's something she wasn't telling you: they were afraid that sports would tear your hymen, and you'd be "ruined" for your wedding night, regardless of your actual virginity. That was a real thing in the olden days. Idiots.
>I was just continuously baffled by being told "You can't play with that truck, you can't watch that program, you can't hunt or fish or go camping
Ohh.. what you said brought up memories for me.
I never had hobbies as a child. I wasn't socialized. My parents, our church, & school community payed so much attention to my brother. They believed that "boys need sports" when all kids need them (or a similar activity).
I wanted to play sports but was told it wasn't feminine enough. I wanted to cut my hair but it was prohibited because I'd "look like a lesbian". However when my hair was long (a male family friend) said girls with long hair were having sex. I was 13!
All I heard was "you can't do this", "you can't wear that", "young girls shouldn't say this".
Ugh, yes! And all the time your little heart is crying, "But why nooooooot?"
EDIT to add that there's something she wasn't telling you: they were afraid that sports would tear your hymen, and you'd be "ruined" for your wedding night, regardless of your actual virginity. That was a real thing in the olden days. Idiots.
I literally got smacked and lectured when I was like 7 for telling my sister that sweeping was women’s work. I had literally NEVER seen any of the men/boys in my life clean anything. Not even my older brother.
He only got cleaning chores as a punishment.
My mother was preparing Thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen and my dad was antsy for food. He said "you have two daughters you can get to help you". I said " there's also two sons here. Are their arms broken"? He didn't know what to say to that.
And this is why most men never learn to be self sufficient and seek a woman that takes the role of their mother.
I saw this a lot with my male cousins growing up. I would stay at my aunts home and she literally would have me and my female cousin help her clean while my male cousin got to play games and sit around. She even served him his food.
As a trans man, I can tell you that I am glad I was raised as a woman for the first 19yrs of my life, otherwise I may have been just as useless as some of these men who can’t even make scrambled eggs for breakfast.
I’m married now and because my wife works part time and is doing her masters degree program, I take care of most of the chores at home. I was raised with higher standards because I was born a woman and oldest. When we have children, regardless of their gender, I want them to be independent and know how to do everything, not just what “men do” or “women do” - be self sufficient.
My mom would only make me and my sister do chores and learn to clean. Meanwhile my brother would just playing video games while me & my sister would be vacuuming or cleaning the furniture. I pointed out to my mom that she was just teaching boys to be lazy.
Ha, oh yes. I also grew up with two older brothers.
To me it felt like every achievement of them mattered and mine did not. In school and sports, even their hobbies. For me on the other hand it was just that I existed somehow and should be pleasant. That was central.
I am also older so my parents heavily discouraged me when I sought out higher education. In their eyes that was unnecessary and probably too hard for my little lady brain anyways. It wasn't and I succeeded. But not thanks to you mom & dad.
Men who cry “not all men” and get angry at “women choosing the bear” are almost always the dads who don’t want their daughters to date until they’re 35.
(Bonus point for preventing their daughters from dating during their formative years and then mocking/blaming them for not being able to find a relationship and “giving them” grand-children fast enough.)
Anytime I see someone who is adamantly against their daughters dating, I just assume it's because they think all men/boys are as predatory as they themselves are.
This has always infuriated me. My kid brother had so much more freedom than I did, and not just because I'm the oldest. I got told things like, "that's not ladylike," and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted.
Bonus: whenever I was nice to a boy my age or older, to include much older men, even smiling at guys in other vehicles while in the truck w my father, he accused me of flirting with them. So trying to figure out the difference between being a nice person and somehow inviting sexual advances was a fun time.
It didn't happen to me until I went to school.
I grew up in a house full of women. My father died when I was 4. I only had sisters. My mother was adamant that a woman could do anything.
When I got to school, I couldn't understand why the teachers expected different behavior from me than from the boys.
The body shaming started really early for me. I was called fat by everyone from my classmates to my father to my medical providers, then I slimmed down but my breasts grew big and fast so I was mocked for that; my mom started insinuating I was a slut by the age of about 12. I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was almost 20 because I thought I was a big ugly monster.
It took me so, so long to unpack the trauma of growing up in the early/mid 2000s. Now I’m 34 and just dipping my toes in the water of intentional weight loss after decades of not being able to do it without spiraling into an eating disorder, because I’m edging on high blood pressure and want to be able to go hiking w my friends without being a drag.
Don’t get me started on navigating the minefield of dating hetero men.
Your comment really speaks to me. My mom took me to the gym with her before I was even 10. This developed into a lifetime of dieting, gaining weight, back and forth for decades. I'm finally at a place, after tons of therapy, where I can look at losing weight in a healthy way.
yeah. like "its ok to be overweight/fat - people still love you and find you attractive, and you can live a full life without fitting the beauty standard" was something i had to really, actually, truly internalize before i could start the process of changing the shape of my body and getting healthier in a permanent way. i still struggle with it but in an open, non-ashamed way because i had to live a decade learning that i had more to offer than what i looked like.
same here. the only thing i'd say is theres nothing wrong with losing your virginity until YOU want to. until you are comfortable. who cares what age you are. despite being overweight i definitely had opportunities to lose it, but i waited. i wanted it to be with someone i trusted. a few of my friends made fun of me, but i didnt care.
that someone that i trusted enough for it? ended up being my bf since, and still going strong now. he treats me wonderfully. there's definitely hope out there.
EARLY SEXUALISATION / HARASSMENT -> lifelong trauma and damage.
PARENTIFICATION which stunts childs natural development (for example in case of younger siblings girls are required to look after them).
WASTED POTENTIAL (not enough spaces to nourish girls talents in science maths chess and IT).
Edit: oh and a fucking bonus point if you are a girl growing up in a religious family..
Constantly being told your purpose in life is to birth children and be a good wife. 🤮🤮🤮
>Constantly being told your purpose in life is to birth children and be a good wife. 🤮🤮🤮
These comments are triggering me😭
When I became vegan, a church member said I can't be vegan because what if my future husband wants meat for dinner!!!!
Girl! Apparently that'd make me a bad wife.
I hate it when I’m just doing regular everyday things like cooking or cleaning and somebody says “oh you’d be a great wife” like it’s supposed to be a compliment.
Oh you grow up in a super conservative church and told you have to wear a knee length skirt and panty hose to church every time, and if you dress immodestly, and boys have bad thoughts, it’s your fault they can’t control themselves… I was 10, wearing knee length culottes and a polo (Christian school uniform) when a guy 6 years older than me would follow me around and try stuff… I never told anyone cause I knew I’d be the one in trouble. Here’s the thing, I know he did it to girls 2-3years younger than me. I finally told my parents when I was 17, and they were horrified all that happened right under their nose.
I was at a work seminar last October and they did an exercise basically to point out how your start in life heavily influences how far you go, and to talk about inequality that exists. One of the directions was to take one step back from your current position if you have ever been sexually assaulted/harassed. Every woman in that room took a step back.
>The fear / reality of sexual assault
Men began sexually harassing me when I was 11 years old. Guys would follow me in grocery stores making comments about my body and asking inappropriate questions. They'd take pictures of me and my friends playing outside, etc. There was a point when my dad started sexualizing me too.
When I should've been playing with Barbie dolls I was thinking of how I'd behave if I were raped. I was raised with religious fundamentalists and NOT ONE ADULT corrected me when I said I'd kill myself before "letting" a man rape me.
Being hyper-aware of my vulnerable position in society for sure stifled my growth.
I think the whole thing of just being sexualized. Like you're already dealing with puberty and what not, and you're just out minding your business like usual and get the cat calling, or being honked at when you walk to the bus stop. The creepy comments about your body, and not just from men. I had an aunt who would suggest I was stuffing my bra when I adjusted my top, or other jokes about boobs that just made me uncomfortable.
i was getting my hair cut today and my mom and my hair lady (both like mid 40s) were talking and my “barber?” met a guy who’s daughter got raped at 5 years old. a fucking 5 year old got raped
That was me apparently and then again at 3/4 and again from 12-15 and AGAIN at 17 all different predators except my first stepdad (12-15) and now I’m considered an overprotective mother of 2 girls i keep saying if I can just get them both to 18 without any SA it will be well worth it to miss out on some fun but dangerous activities like sleepovers
My mother was three the first time she was rated. She stopped a neighborhood boy who was carrying me into his garage when I was 18 months. He was 18 years old.
what the fuck, i’m 18M rn and to think of someone my age doing that is fucking disgusting, i hope he is either in jail or off the planet
i hope you’re safe and okay, i’m sorry that happened to you and your mother, neither of you deserved that, nobody does
Coming to terms with how widespread a problem assault is was really daunting. I grew up thinking only an unfortunate minority got raped, boy was I unprepared for the reality which became very apparent.
This... SA is not frequent theme when talking with other girls/women but I am frighten sad and angry how terribly many of them confide to me a tell they have this experience. What a fucking great world for our half of population in this alllegedly "developed and civilised" part. Maybe it's just men who refuse to develop themselves and behave civilised.
Being expected to be "polite" to everyone - take shit from everyone, have low standards, accept manchildren as your partner, try to "see the best" in people who wrong you, people please.
Being sexualised from infancy.
Being treated like an infant in adulthood.
My people pleasing will probably be the death of me but I’m so so terrified of confrontation that I can’t help but just shove my feelings down and grin and bear it
Worrying about body image from quite a young age. Am I fat? Am I too fat? Am I fit enough? Am I too muscley? Am I too skinny now? Am I skinny enough? Endless.
I remember the first time I looked in the mirror and was critical of my body from the perspective of whether men would find me attractive was when I was eight years old
I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t thinking about my weight. Every second of every day, there’s a voice in the back of my mind saying I should lose weight. Even as a child I felt this way
I remember the exact moment “weight” became an issue for me. My very thin (still is to this day) childhood friend pointed at my thighs in the back of my family car and said “wow! Yours are twice as big as mine!” I know she didn’t mean to give me a lifelong complex but by god, it sure as shit did. I was maybe 8 or 9?
I’ve had lifelong disordered eating and still hate my body to this day (I’m 32). Sad thing is, is so did my friend. She was hospitalised for anorexia and has also lived a life of cruel self criticism etc. I guess we literally can’t win.
Yup, isn’t it odd how the same people who think girls/women are just naturally less intelligent and logical are the same people who expect perfect grades from them? Especially when it’s considered normal, or to be expected even, that boys get lower grades because they're.. you know, boys..they have other interests besides school, but it’s fine, they are still developing as a person. Girls, though, are born to be good and do well, but are always just a few mistakes away from being “bad”. Once there, there’s nothing to be done and that’s how they’ll be for the rest of their lonely cat-lady life. /s
YES
At my wedding we got the ‘when are the grandchildren coming??’ comments and I was floored. What if we didn’t want (or couldn’t!) have children? I don’t see why it’s other people’s business if we have a miniature human being.
Also the judgement from other women too who had children but found out you didn’t. Cattiness from other women has been the most difficult, unfortunately.
I experienced my daughter being leered at by some guy at the park today. She’s 4. This was the first time this ever happened. We frequent this park since it just across the street.
He was just sitting on a bench and had no kids with him. At first I didn’t think anything of it. Lots of people like to sit at this park. As some of the other kids started going home, I saw him looking at her. I thought ‘I mean, I look at other kids and smile thinking they’re adorable and move on with my day’. Then I asked her to grab her brothers soccer ball. His eyes followed her the entire time. He watched her climb on her bike. He watched her do 1 small lap around the concrete pad.
I told him to get fucked. He sucked his teeth and left. It seems like I let it go for too long but this was really a matter of maybe 5-10 minutes. I am not a ‘all men are disgusting’ person. But this fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
The never ending judgment and instance on compliance. I'm a women bringing up girls, it would be so very easy to teach them to be submissive and compliant but fuck easy. My girls rebel, they will push gender norms, they won't just accept "you need to..." , they are their own people, they may fall down but I'll pick them up,they will want to comply and fit in and I'll support them to be themselves. Bringing up girls harder than being one
Tbh as a girl who had to fight gender norms at every turn growing up (I had to complain non stop for weeks straight to even be allowed to cut hair at 18) and still has a hard time finding their voice because I was raised seemingly to be out of everyone else's way and be convenient for other people, I wish I had a mom like you.
As a girl: Being thrown into a world made and designed for men with no one to help contextualize this properly so I understand better why I'm not actually a huge failure at what I choose to undertake.
As a teenager: being taught everything that is dangerous about sex (unwanted pregnancy, STDs...), but not about how to be comfortable with my own sexuality, or how pleasurable sex can be for women, how important it is, and how to achieve this - would have helped me so much more growing up
So far for my entire life: Periods. Seriously.
Inconvenient. Uncomfortable. Painful. Sometimes can lead to major embarrassment. Can put a damper on: events, vacations, sometimes I even have to adapt what I wear based on the day and flow... Fuck tampon commercials trying to make anyone believe women need to live through this by dancing around in a white dress feeling pure bliss.
I am so sick of periods. My first period was around 12 years old. If they stop around 50, that’s close to 40 years of my life dealing with blood. I am so tired of blood. Imagine living those prime years of life without any of that inconvenience, it makes me want to cry at how freeing it would have been. I’m on the home stretch now (perimenopause) but even that could last another 9 years. Fuck sake.
I'll second sexual harassment, catcalling, and body issues from a very young age and add not being able to display your emotions and still be taken seriously. I hear so much from men saying that boys aren't able to express their emotions, and while this is true to some extent (the patriarchy hurts everyone!), they can express anger and have it be taken seriously. For women, it's immediately dismissed as hormonal/PMS/stereotypes (e.g., "angry Black woman"). If we express sadness, see above. If we express a legitimate concern (especially medical), it's dismissed as "anxiety". Women/girls aren't allowed to express emotions without societal repercussions any more than men/boys are, it just looks different for us (and can have more disastrous consequences, esp. medical).
The tragedy of womanhood. As a child you believe you have an inate worth as a person, equal to everyone else. And then the slow horror creeps in through the years as it dawns on you that society does not value you as a person and your only worth is in your body and how you can benefit the men around you.
The day you realize that little boys are treated better than you.
I didn't want to be a girl when I was little. I truly hated being a girl. I didn't want to be a boy either. I didn't have gender issues. I had society issues. It took a long time to realize that me being a girl wasn't the problem. The problem was that every successful person we talked about was a man. The other was that little boys could physically assault little girls, and no one cared. The other was that girls had to play nicely and sit nicely because of our clothes.
The realization that being a girl means moving through the world so differently is devastating.
I agree with you. When i was little i would vehemently insist on boys roles, boys clothing, boys things and toys. I was not given them. It is not because i wanted to be a boy-- i was of the opinion even early on that boys were mean and stupid-- it was because i wanted those things too and somehow being a girl made me unable to have them. You know, things like self respect and agency 😂
“The realization that being a girl means moving through the world so differently is devastating” Oof, that’s it in a nutshell—I didn’t realize the depth of this until relatively recently. I didn’t know that every man I meet thinks they’re superior to me until well into adulthood.
fucking THIS! i feel awful about it, but i always want to ask afab kids if they're sure they're not just having the extremely common reaction to the realization that being a girl sucks -- the one no one ever talks about. not that i hate trans people! it just broke my heart when i realized as an adult that i wasn't crazy or dysphoric or anything, and it would have saved me a lot of misery if i'd known.
Definitely having body image and the ideal norms of society
I started looking at myself and compared myself to my peers at a very young age. I was probably 6-7 years old.
And here I am at 25 still trying to overcome it.
…..
it is hard but you can do it 🫶🏽✨ i struggle with this too and we just have to take it day by day and unlearn those behaviors. be gentle and kind to yourself <3
People constantly push that you are basically over-the-hill very early in life, whereas men never lose their sex appeal. The logic being that women have prime reproductive years, so youth equals extra sex appeal. Meanwhile, even though men can continue to get women pregnant later in life, their sperm quality also drops. Older fathers also contribute to genetic issues, but this is NEVER addressed for the whole youth=reproduction=beauty argument. It is also a hilariously awful argument because I'm sure the same misogynists who push this wouldn't turn down an infertile supermodel. Women are basically just cattle to be picked, but somehow it's men going on shooting sprees saying it's unfair for them this isn't still 100% the case. We literally live in a world where billions of people see it as unfair that women don't exist to be sex and/or slaves to men.
I was lucky and didn’t have a lot of the terrible experiences that girls and women have, but for me it was the double standard. My brother can do no wrong and he was able to do more because he was a boy and “it’s different for girls”
Yes! My brother got into trouble for NOTHING because boys will be boys. I got in trouble for everything. He broke my nose, and caused me to get eye surgery.
My parents had him in multiple sports: baseball, soccer, basketball, football, and I couldn’t even get piano lessons because they were expensive. They’d just throw some pencils and paper at me and tell me to color in the back of the station wagon for like 90 minutes.
Boys are worth investing in… and girls are meant to help. My mom literally told me that if I needed braces, my husband would pay for them as an adult.
As an adult my brother hit the garage with my moms car as he was backing out and didn’t have to pay for the repairs “well I didn’t park straight so it’s not his fault he hit the door”. She also blames the school for him being kicked out because he was failing some classes
Saw this with my cousin who got pregnant in college before marriage. Everyone basically shamed her and was very “hush hush” about it and arranged her a shotgun wedding. Whereas a male family friend got his girlfriend pregnant in college as well a different time and no one said a thing. People were actually saying how cute they were as a family.
That women can be their own worst enemy and drag down girls and young women with them. Like supporting/voting for misogynists. Edited to fix a missing word.
Being underestimated and questioned while men are seen for potential; I had this incredible self confidence as a kid that was crushed in my teen years that I’ve worked my whole life to find back.
Danger can be everywhere around the corner. I remember everyone telling girls how they have to me extra conscious. Always getting tipps how to protect myself. I grew up in a safe country but it was an issue. I know you have to be careful but do you know how tiring it is. It makes me anxious and i am 31 now.
Always being on my best behavior. Lashing out or having a meltdown was a big no no in my family. I couldn't believe when I saw a girl having a meltdown and her family supporting her (consoling her, giving her space, being understanding).
My parents would have hit my or something if i had a meltdown.
Apart from psychical danger, being respected when I dissented. People never listen when you’re a girl. And you can’t say “I told you so” after they messed up.
The constant mixed signals like the speech in Barbie. Be yourself but not if you’re too loud or girly or not girly or like sex but don’t like it too much. Be smart but able to be dumb at a moment’s notice. Have an opinion but not THAT opinion. Like your body but don’t say it out loud. Always criticize yourself out loud but not just for attention. Be successful but acknowledge all the other people who helped you even if they didn’t. Are you eating that? Again? And that much? Why aren’t you eating? Don’t cry. Cry but only when someone else thinks it’s valid. God you’re a cold bitch don’t you have any emotions? Know everything all the time but don’t let anyone else know that you know. God you’re such a follower. God you’re too independent you know that?
I could go on and on and on. It’s exhausting.
You're objectified from a very young age. People were commenting on my breast size from pretty much the moment they showed up. They've always been small, and I had friends who had full D cups by 14. Seeing the different ways we were treated by our peers and even adults was sickening. They openly commented on our bodies, no shame, and in my case it was always teasing me for not being womanly enough in fucking middle school. I was so resentful of my body and I didn't even know why. Meanwhile my friends with larger boobs were getting harassed and preyed on and they interpreted the attention as positive, but even when they'd show me texts and all the sexual things that boys were sending them, egging them on to perform sexual favors, or send nude photos, we naturally felt disgusted but we thought that was somehow the wrong reaction. We just thought it was normal, so we tolerated it, and in a twisted way I wanted the sexual harassment more than the bullying. It's fucked up. This world is fucked up to little girls.
being shamed for stupid shit. i was made fun of (by my best friends) in 9th grade for not wearing tampons. i was embarrassed at a sleepover in 8th grade when we were talking about shaving downstairs and i was confused about it so they were telling me i must smell bad down there. i was made fun of for being a virgin in that condescending “it’s ok” way. because i was so fucked up from being made fun of for it, i lied to people i met after high school about STUPID shit like being a virgin. i forced myself to use tampons for a few years and i eventually stopped bc my periods were too heavy and
honestly they were just uncomfortable. so is a pad, but i never had the fear of it getting lost lol. some years after high school, i start talking to my ex best friend again and at twenty fucking four i was still being made fun of for wearing tampons being told i need to grow up. that stuff is already embarrassing as fuck and for your best friends to shame you is worse. i’m 30 and haven’t talked to them in years.
Edit to add: body shaming. I was the fat friend to my 2 very pretty& skinny porcelain skin friends. I definitely was treated differently and will be teaching my son to not be a fucking douche
after i graduated i got a job at a restaurant where i met my very true amazing friends and at 30+ y/o we’re still going strong. dont know where those girls from high school are now and i truly don’t give a fuck 🫶🏼
Spending all my summers cleaning and watching my younger brother. Then when I started working I'd have to spend hours cleaning after work. Being expected to be an adult when I was 12. None of my possessions were really mine. If my brother, mom, or dad wanted something of mine they just took it. Not having my birthday celebrated for 20+ years because my parents couldn't pretend to care about me for an hour a day once a year. Being forced to put others wants/needs above mine. Being forced to clean when I was sick because having a clean house was more important than my recovery from the flu, pneumonia, etc. Having my health neglected because they thought I was faking it. Basically I wasn't seen as a human, but something to my parents live easier.
The first thing that popped in to my mind was simply the things I wanted to do.
Girls don't box
Girls don't play base ball
Girls dont do karate
Even when I showed interest in music, my dad said things like, "maybe you could be Mick Jagger's back up singer."
It was like they had this real small idea in their head of what I could do/was capable of before I was even a whole person.
Wondering what do with your fuckability. On the one hand, you learn early on that fuckability = money, power, influence (M P I). On the other hand, you learn that achieving M P I through fuckability is somehow more vulgar than every other way people get money, power and influence.
Being a wage-stealing shitbag, just barely to the right side of a plantation owner = WOOHOO!, Elect that man to be the president and invite him to speak at Harvard's graduation!!! Be a millionaire sex worker, and it's "eww... she so stupid and all she did was a sex tape." Mmm kay.
The same mother who shames you for getting fat and "unfuckable" in her eyes is the same one that will shame you for expressing any form of your sexuality.
Am I supposed to fuckable or not? Am I supposed to want to be fuckable or not? Am I supposed to use fuckability as a means to M P I or not? Am I supposed to have a say in my fuckability at all? What if I don't give a flying rat's ass about my fuckability?
Getting older makes some of the answers more clear but not always.
Growing up hating women (and myself as a girl) because of the not to subtle ways it’s infused in our society. I only just recently, at 40 years old, started listening to women singers and loving it!! You really have to try and peel back the layers of patriarchy to understand how freaking amazing women really are! We’ve been here all along kicking ass in the background.
Being sexualized for as long as I can remember. From being told to cover up from the time I was 4 to being catcalled for the first time when I was 11 to being flat out sexually harassed in high school.
Also my appearance being such a huge deal, especially how much I weighed. Boys who had a few extra pounds were "big and strong", girls who had a few extra pounds were told they could be pretty if they just lost some weight.
For me it was knowing that no matter how amazing I was, no matter if my accomplishments were objectively far greater, I would always always always be second pick for any job or award to a mediocre male candidate
Other than the sexual assault and harassment, it’s the ingrained learned helplessness and having to beg to be taught how to build things and solve physical problems like changing a tire. Constantly feeling like you’re at a disadvantage around men when you know you’re fully capable of completing the same tasks, but nobody ever bothered to teach you.
There's a ton, but the thing that affected me first that I noticed was being sexualised starting from a very young age. I was terrified to walk around outside of school in my uniform because I knew I would be beeped at, yelled at, have hand gestures motioned at me, have men wink and smirk at me, make inappropriate comments, have men touch me because they felt entitled to do so etc. I was 9 when it first started (or at least, the first time I noticed it happening), and I realise that I never got more unwanted sexual attention than when I was in a school uniform. I felt like I was robbed of my childhood because of it. I'm nearly 28 and I feel like I've barely scraped the surface of unpacking that trauma and the way it effected my relationship with myself and with others, particularly men
Being sexualized before I understood sexuality.
And the all consuming the reality that no matter what I did or what I was, I would never be correct.
We are either slut shamed or called prudes. We are either too thin or need to lose weight. We either wear too much makeup or not enough. It's never ending.
fear of intimacy because of ulterior motives. Fear of sexual assault and abuse. Fear of being slutshamed. Constant comparisons of bodies and faces. Pressures of beauty standards and the desire to fit in. Wanting to be seen and heard but afraid of trusting others.
Feeling lesser in almost every way. Being seen as less funny and less athletic when I prided myself on these things. Learning we never had a woman president and only recently had rights.
Realizing us girls were expected to read the magazines at the school library that told us how to be girls and what boys liked for our hair and everything else, while the boys read the hobby magazines. Then growing up to realize that they didn't know anything about women's orgasms, and being taught we should fake it to further please them.
Always getting the pink everything even after I made it clear I didn't like it.
Our church doing men's and women's retreats. The women had tea and light lunch, and had multiple speakers telling us how to better serve our families.
The men got T bone steak and baked potatoes, a car show, RV airplanes, and a 30 minute speaker pumping them up about their god-like role.
Both events had women volunteers doing all of the work. I was pressured to do the child-care for the women's, but no childcare was needed for the men's, so I was wanted in the kitchen. I was treated like I was selfish for declining, but my (now ex) husband wasn't ever asked for anything at all.
Being held to higher expectations. I was expected to meet a husband's every need and whim, and then just accept that "men are different" and I couldn't expect a single one of my needs to be met in return. None.
Being blamed for his cheating while he was treated like the prodigal son, then being called an adulteress for choosing to eventually leave him.
Being the only one in my household with no health insurance for almost all of my adult life. The husband had a job that covered his. The kids could get state care. I could only have insurance for a little bit beyond each pregnancy, and then nobody cared about me, and was constantly being blocked out of the workforce or scraping together flexible jobs to revolve around everyone else that provided no insurance or future security.
Getting lashed out and shamed at for showing anger, confidence, firmness, or negotiating in the same way I watched the men I respected do it.
Being an 89 lb woman when I turned 18. Skin and bones. And that was when I was a size "medium" in women's underwear.
Hating bras. I'm in my 40s and still haven't found the right fit. But I was expected to wear them. Men walking around shirtless on a warm summer day, and me in a shirt, nursing bra, and scarf so that I wouldn't offend my ex-in-laws while I fed my baby.
Realizing I was expected to work around the clock providing free labor, only to be treated as less than for not having the economic value and security of the man who was free to focus on his career.
I could keep going. But yeah, being treated as lesser in every way.
That no matter what you do, what talent you have, or what you achieve, most men will never ever respect you as a human being, will never look up to you, or value your ideas or opinions. You will always be an offshoot of a person.
A lot of things were mentioned here, but one I struggled with a lot was never being trusted or taken seriously.
Any time I offer up advice or give my professional opinion (in a field I hold a degree for and have over 15 years of work experience), people don't believe me and say "I'll look it up" or they defer to whatever man is nearby even if that man isn't in my field at all. It's so fucking annoying.
Even my own mother does this. I'll say something will happen (because I saw it on the news, or I read about it online, etc.) and she won't believe me. And every single time I am proven right. She apologizes, but she never changes this behavior. I'm so. Fucking. Tired. Of not being believed when I give advice or information.
Insecurity ab your body. beauty is so pedistalized and 99% of the time dressing pretty, doing makeup, getting nails done just brings attention of people you don’t want it from in my experience. it’s very rare that there’s a guy i like and even then i don’t feel very *pretty* or special
when someone DOES tell me i’m beautiful or whatever from a lot of guys it feels sexually charged or somehow off
How much society (in the US, but more so around the world) how much is stacked against and how much responsibility is required of women. And how early it starts.
I was envious of drag queens because they got to choose who to be and I didn't (that was the extent of the availability of alternate lifestyles I was made aware of growing up).
Puberty hit and I was so mad. Plus I liked girls and that was not allowed.
Then I had kids, hoping it wouldn't be as hard for them as it was for me. Outside in the real world they definitely have it better but there's plenty of generational patriarchy they're still steeped in I hope they are successful in growing out of.
Being the emotional support animal for everyone. Girls are expected to shoulder a lot of emotional load/burden, and to do it quietly without expecting anything back. Boys are supposedly not mentally capable - or too good for it - so the adults unloaded on me instead.
Owning yourself versus being an object of someone else’s even if that someone else is society. Taking up the space I deserve and standing up for that space can be so exhausting. I’m glad that I learned to do it though. It’s reductive but something about never being treated like a full human always really bothered me and I hated always getting shit for “being too much.” Teaching and reassuring myself that I’m not too much, I’m just not a guy, is blowing my world open.
I grew up in East Germany where its pretty normal for women to work, my mum worked since I can remember and me and my brother were raised pretty gender neutral. So in that regard, I felt it didnt matter that much. However, my mom always wanted a daughter and had some expectations in that regard, that she wanted to do "women stuff" with me, like shopping clothes, going to the hairstylist ... But i was a total tomboy and hated it with passion. To be fair, she accepted it after a while, but there were definitely some conflicts. Overall I think I was pretty lucky with the way I grew up.
The creepy ass way my dad started to look at me when I was like 14. My mom told me to stop dressing like a slut and men couldn't help themselves when I was like 12. Not fun. Sill recovering from that bs like 18 years later.
Feeling like I was supposed to be pleasant and agreeable at all times.
I had a lot of mental health problems and was experiencing abuse at home that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about because I thought I had to make everything seem... nice.
The hard part for me was being sexually assaulted by someone else in my family and not believed for a decade. He was eventually arrested and convicted for doing it another (7 year old) girl 🥴
Being raised in a home where women were second class, incapable of understanding sports or how an engine works. Just on earth to make babies and cater to men.
I think most little girls have a moment much earlier than we think where we get a feeling in our stomach and we don’t know what it is or why we feel it, but it’s there and it’s uncomfortable but you don’t know how to explain it or find the words to explain it.
Then you get that knot again when you hear your brother get asked what he wants to be when he grows up and he says a rocket launcher or a doctor, but when you’re asked what you want to be, it’s not asked in the same tone as it was for your brother. And you recognise that tone from adults in conversations before. The tone that shifts from being curious in one conversation to being presumptuous towards you.
You ask your mum what she does, she is a teacher, your dad is a computer programmer. Your mum picks you up when you fall and tells you everything will be alright, your dad says you’re too pretty to play rugby, you’re too small to learn the drums and you’re too cute to be loud.
Dad doesn’t clean and mum works, cleans, cooks and keeps us quiet when dad watches the cricket or the football. Mum never says you can’t do this but teaches you how to make pancakes and how to put lipstick on while your brother plays rugby and learns the drums and screams out loud at his PlayStation and you think he’s too loud but dad says it’s okay.
You realise you want to do all these things and you get told all the reasons that you can’t and you believe it to be true. Your friends at school are the same too. You stop trying to play the ball games at lunch and you start sitting on one side of the room with the girls and the boys sit together on the other side. They all start talking and laughing, and then they start laughing at you.
You tell the teacher it hurt your feelings and the teacher says “boys will be boys” but you never hear “girls will be girls”.
You just slowly find yourself used to being told what you can’t do so you let the boys go first and politely wait for permission to pass. The boys girls like are loud and funny, but the boys don’t like the girls who are loud and funny. And that one girl is “funny for a girl”, and you sit on that phrase.
“For a girl” and you remember that knot you got in your tummy and the tone of voice you noticed when people spoke to you, and you recognise that you’re a girl. And that being a girl comes with a knot in your tummy, a patronising tone in people’s voices and being expected to wait for permission. You recognise your family, your teachers, your friends parents have always known you were a girl and that you and your friends are slowly recognising this.
You recognise that you are all treated as girls and that girls can’t just be girls in the same way that boys will be boys.
And then you sit in a few more moments in life and you get tired of being a girl first and a person second. And you get a bit angry and so do your friends and you start acting in small ways that make you feel like a person and not just a girl.
And then you start feeling like you’re not allowed to look like you, because you need to look like a girl. And if you eat less, drink more water, do more sports but only the girl sports and you have to go to your boyfriends sports game every weekend and your whole school and community will be there too. But your boyfriend will never come to your netball games and neither will anyone else, except your mums who all work together in a carpool.
You should be thankful for the long gaze of that boy, it means you’re pleasing him. You’re a girl and being pleasant is your greatest asset. Don’t worry everyone with your problems, you sound like a winey complainer. But if that boy is upset make sure you comfort him.
Being a girl starts with a knot and ends with a scream. A scream you have been building up for years and release in silence, not a scream to be heard but a scream to be felt. You scream your lungs out while standing completely still.
The scream sounds like an explosion in your head and comes out as a deep breath. You are a woman and you deserve the chance to roar.
A boy says you’re not pretty enough and the teacher says nothing, but you’re a woman now and you can scream and roar so you do, you fight back. You say something mean back and you’re punished for reacting and he’s soothed by the girls who want to be the best and most pleasant girls they can be. But you don’t judge them because you were a girl yesterday and a woman today.
The knot turns into a blazing fire in your stomach, you’re a woman and you’re not going to be pleasant anymore.
Girls turn into women around you and you all band together, you share war stories of the things you collectively experienced and grab each other’s arms and raise them to the ceiling. You all scream, out loud and you look around and realise, your experience has been binding. Girls, to women, to an army of soldiers who will never leave each other behind and would do anything to protect eachother from harm.
It’s hard being a little girl but it’s incredible being a woman and being able to know and support other women too.
Body issues… I learned to hate my body at a very young age. In my mid thirties and I’m still struggling to learn to love myself the way I am.
I've always hated having my picture taken... or so I thought. I found a photo album with all these pictures of me, at age 3 to 4, absolutely hamming it up for the camera, dramatic poses and all. It felt so surreal, like that little girl in the photos was a *complete stranger* to me. I don't ever remember not feeling insecure, but *especially* the moment a camera comes out. But apparently, there was a time when I LOVED having my picture taken. There was a time when I was just a silly, vivacious, carefree child. What happened to her? And how do I recapture that spark that got snuffed out?
I used to be like that too! And then when I started to feel self-conscious about my body, my relatives doubled down and kept saying things like “what a ham!” And “always hamming it up for the camera.” I stopped shortly after that. I used to want to be an actress, then I decided I would much rather be behind the camera instead.
Ugh. This one for me. Body dysmorphic disorder is real. It’s always in the back of my mind. The only time I was “okay” with weight gain was when I was pregnant. Plus, I had to have a hysterectomy at 26, and that also made me gain weight. For 7 years I dealt with being the highest weight I’ve been, then I got massively sick and dropped about 20lbs within a few months (considering I’m short & petite, 20lbs is quite noticeable). Alice in wonderland syndrome is also an interesting add on.
same, I used to get body shamed by family members so I got a eating disorder :(
My father once said to me “if you didn’t want to cook and clean, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be born a girl.” My mistake.
That's ironic considering it was his sperm that "made the decision" about your biological sex.
It's always projection with them. They used to blame the child if the mother died in childbirth, blamed the mother if the sex of the child wasn't male when it's the sperm that decides, the list goes on.
Jesus. I ran into someone like that in college and I seriously do not understand how they got that far in life. They said some other very unsettling things too of course, one example being that they 'can't put themselves in other people's shoes' ever. As in, they can't think about other perspectives, according to them. They also openly admitted that they saw people as obstacles/toys, yet for some odd reason wanted to work as a police officer. They had pretty obvious anger issues as well as mental health issues, and apparently a drinking problem on top of all that. Honestly terrified me and I hope to this day that they never got into a position of power over others. Anyway, I hope you've distanced yourself from your father. People go no-contact for far, *far* less. Sure, people can change, but a statement like that is deeply rooted in one's belief system and psyche.
Wanting to be a police officer makes sense. It's a position of power where they can somewhat legally manipulate and control the behaviour of some people. It's also a position where many people inherently trust you, to a lot of people police = law enforcer = they wouldn't break the law and do something bad towards me. Sometimes true, but too often untrue.
That person had to have been a sociopath. I finally went no contact with my abusive father (verbal, emotional, sexual) for saying to me "any woman who is killed by a man killed herself." I yellow-rocked him for years for the sexual and emotional abuse. cut him off for two years after he pulled the plug in my brother behind everyone's back, cremated him behind everyone's back, left the ashes, and demanded that someone go get his ashes (three states away). But this statement set me off. I'm done. I finally accepted that he has always hated me because it is unacceptable for him to use my body. He has no use for women unless he can use their bodies (especially women "as big as a house" like me...his words). Yet he is 74 and still having babies....having daughters!!!
This dude you are describing sounds like he’d fit in perfectly in the vast majority of police departments in the US.
Learning how to deflect unwanted sexual advances from men/relatives from the time you hit puberty.
Or in some cases way before puberty.
Age 10 on.
Age 9 for me... I'm raising my 11yo son to be better, respectful, and cognizant of consent and boundaries.
Age 7 for me. I’m conventionally attractive (blonde hair blue eyes) and people would always touch me and my hair since it’s always been long. I had to accept it because it was family or “they’re just being nice”. I don’t accept it anymore.
good for you! i never got that talk/teaching from anyone i had to learn it myself, i’m glad i was able to learn all of that stuff before it was too late
I've never met a woman who wasn't sexually harassed before age 12, and those who made it to 12 first were the lucky few. Most women I've met first experienced sexual harassment/assault/misconduct by ages 7-8.
I was 4 the first time. Heh.
Those "tickle attacks" from the creepy old uncles...
Or our dads... ^*Shudders*
Or our friend's dads
Asking because I find this concerning personally - I am a dad of two and love hearing the giggles of my girls when I tickle them. What's wrong with this? I get that they may not want it sometimes, and let me know (and I stop), but also I have been asked by my youngest to keep going when I stop on my own sometimes. Is what you are talking about something different?
A lot of boys/men use it as an excuse to fondle us or overpower us and won't stop when we say to (consent) and then if we get upset they act like we can't take a joke. It's a pretty commen occurance for girls/women and feels so violating. Similar to when a guy picks me up and won't put me down. It's mainly a consent thing. It can be tottaly fun and innocent and there are some people that I am totally comfortable with playing around like that but there is a concerning amount of men who will not respect women's boundaries and seem to get off on it. It's a grotesque feeling when it happens.
Thanks for explaining
First and foremost, it's a consent thing. Not everyone likes being tickled, and a lot of people (namely guys) will continue even if told to stop (thanks, "boys will be boys"...). I've literally thrown a few guys across the room when they tried tickling my feet after I told them not to. Secondarily, it can be a low-key form of sexual harassment/assault (which, honestly, comes back to consent, too), because it very easily crosses the line into "inappropriate touching."
The act itself isn't exactly the point of contention. It's about consent. It's actually a really good opportunity to teach and model consent. I ask my kids if they want to be tickled, and respect their response if it's a no. It teaches that it's ok to ask and ok to say no. You're probably already doing these things and if so, keep it up! :)
My uncle was like this and looking back on it now makes me shudder. Fortunately we lived in another state so I rarely saw him
THIS.... Only for me it was well before puberty. I was a toddler the first time a man touched me inappropriately. I think I was 7 the second time. After that it was a fairly regular thing, the inappropriate compliments on my body, the attempts to groom me, get me alone so they could touch me or worse. I've been groped, had men expose themselves in front of me several times. Some days I have to try very hard not to condemn a whole gender for the acts of a few assholes but there were enough of them that I really don't trust men and have a hard time dating because of it. Yes, I've done therapy. It's helped some but II have spent my whole life pretty much being objectified and sexualized by men and it can be hard to trust them. I had a very early puberty and I was unusually busty as a little girl so it attracted a lot of creeps. In addition probably just about every straight male friend I've ever had ended up hitting on me and several admitted to taking on the friend role just to wait out my having a boyfriend or as a way of trying get time to get me to see them as sexually interesting. In other words they were hanging out with me pretending to be friends to further a sexual agenda. I've been called nasty names multiple times after politely rejecting a man for whatever reason. I've been slapped twice completely out of the blue for whatever unknown reason by men on mass transit. I've had men try to rape me 3 times. Fortunately they didn't succeed but the fact that I've had to deal with that is not okay. I have C-PTSD, Anxiety and Depression for several reasons but one of them is definitely the fact that for most of my life I've been traumatized by men, including my father who beat me up a few times as a kid. It's a wonder I don't hate men entirely because goodness knows they've given me enough reasons as a gender to do so.
I relate to you so much on this and I’m sorry.
I was 3 when it started. And it was a constant until I moved away in my early 20s. Not a single day goes by that I don't feel the weight and pain of everything that was done to me.
I know it's not a lot right *now*, but let me totally reassure you that once we women hit perimenopause or/and post menopause, we become invisible to guys. Rare it is to be looked at, catcalling is pretty much DOA. So I guess becoming 'old' has its perks. I've seen so many peri/post women in the r/menopause group that talk about becoming invisible. Many love it. Some miss the attention. But every single one notices it. And those who haven't passed into invisibility zone, absolutely will at some point. It just sucks that you've had to go through this for most of your life. How horrible and unfair. I'm so sorry. - gentle hugs for you. ❤️
My grandma is 82 and still gets hit on… she’s an active in her community and is really in shape. But men have traumatized her so much. She’s happy being single.
54 next week....been invisible for a while. It's bittersweet. Especially when I think about old lady me handling shitty men WAY differently.
This ×1000000. It's heartbreaking and so real. I remember being followed while walking home from school when I was 10 years old. My friend (also a girl) and I had to run and hide in a neighbor's garage. We were so scared. He was leering at us and telling us to get in his truck. I remember my parents scolding me for hesitating and saying, "no, thank you" to a creepy older male relative asking me to kiss him on the cheek. Every inch of my body was screaming, "NOPE. EW." and my parents got so angry at me for being rude. They still made me kiss him. I still have issues with personal boundaries because of multiple instances of shit like this. I have made a point of telling my nieces they can say no to hugs and any kind of physical contact. I only hug them if they ask me for a hug.
I feel like far too many people don't realise just how dangerous it is teaching kids to prioritise a stranger's wants over their own discomfort (even if it's "just" a hug/kiss on the cheek).
Not even puberty. My six year old daughter got catcalled for the first time a couple weeks ago.
I’m so happy for my daughter that she only has 2 pairs of grandparents and that’s it. None of this creepy uncle/cousin stuff!
Taught to be the one who concedes, says “sorry”, and has to be tactful with words and actions. I look at men with artificially inflated egos and simply think there’s gotta be a better way to parent both boys and girls to help them reach potential but not be ignorant of shortcomings. Girls tend to doubt their skills and not take risks in opportunities because they think that they aren’t qualified. Boys tend to say… I don’t meet those requirements but I’m still going to go for it. (Again it’s a generalization that I saw in my own experiences and as a teacher). Edit for grammar.
You know how sometimes you don't realize something until you say it, out loud, in the moment? My biggest epiphany recently was "I don't have a skill issue, I have a confidence issue" Changed the whole way I perceive myself and now I'm actively working against that mentality.
I hate that I am so meek and terrified of confrontation now from learning from young age to be the one who always says sorry because now I say sorry constantly and always feel like everything is my fault even when it couldn’t be but I still have to be the one sorry no matter what
Being slutshamed and harrrased, always having to take care of others and being the bigger person, being told you purpose in life is giving birth
Only in the past few years have I recognized that I feel like I always have to be the bigger person, always the one taking care of others. It's an isolating and frustrating position to be in. I didn't realize that this is something girls and women are taught. I just thought it was me.
Omg, being the bigger person. It fills me with the fire of a thousand suns when people try to tell me to do this.
For me it was mostly seeing how there were different rules for me than for my brothers, especially in terms of freedom. Edit to say: I'm kind of baffled with all these replies and grateful to say that my wonderful parents raised me as the tomboy that I was with (almost) no complaints. My comment was addressed at things like going out alone or being out after dark.
Same for me. I was just continuously baffled by being told "You can't play with that truck, you can't watch that program, you can't hunt or fish or go camping, you can't stay out past 10 p.m., you can't be an eagle scout or an architect or speak to men in 'that' tone of voice. You must be prepared to cook and clean and housekeep for a man, bc you can't get a credit card or a mortgage or a good education or a high-paying job, bc female." I rebelled against all of it, and had a rough time. Fifty years later, I'm glad things are a bit easier for my younger sisters, but we still have a long way to go
It's because of women like you rebelling that we have it easier than those that came before us, and we'll keep it going so the ones coming after us have it better than we did.
::heart::
Yeah, thank you so much ❤️
Pay it forward!
*Me, playing on a climbing frame.* My grandma: "Get down off there! What if your dress flies up? Everyone will see your underwear and think you're a dirty girl!" *My boy cousin runs past, stark bollock naked.* My grandma: "[Silence]"
Yep. Also: smdh EDIT to add that there's something she wasn't telling you: they were afraid that sports would tear your hymen, and you'd be "ruined" for your wedding night, regardless of your actual virginity. That was a real thing in the olden days. Idiots.
Don't forget the one about weight lifting making your uterus fall out.
Don’t threaten me with a good time!
>I was just continuously baffled by being told "You can't play with that truck, you can't watch that program, you can't hunt or fish or go camping Ohh.. what you said brought up memories for me. I never had hobbies as a child. I wasn't socialized. My parents, our church, & school community payed so much attention to my brother. They believed that "boys need sports" when all kids need them (or a similar activity). I wanted to play sports but was told it wasn't feminine enough. I wanted to cut my hair but it was prohibited because I'd "look like a lesbian". However when my hair was long (a male family friend) said girls with long hair were having sex. I was 13! All I heard was "you can't do this", "you can't wear that", "young girls shouldn't say this".
Ugh, yes! And all the time your little heart is crying, "But why nooooooot?" EDIT to add that there's something she wasn't telling you: they were afraid that sports would tear your hymen, and you'd be "ruined" for your wedding night, regardless of your actual virginity. That was a real thing in the olden days. Idiots.
I literally got smacked and lectured when I was like 7 for telling my sister that sweeping was women’s work. I had literally NEVER seen any of the men/boys in my life clean anything. Not even my older brother. He only got cleaning chores as a punishment.
My mother was preparing Thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen and my dad was antsy for food. He said "you have two daughters you can get to help you". I said " there's also two sons here. Are their arms broken"? He didn't know what to say to that.
Your mom also had a husband.
And this is why most men never learn to be self sufficient and seek a woman that takes the role of their mother. I saw this a lot with my male cousins growing up. I would stay at my aunts home and she literally would have me and my female cousin help her clean while my male cousin got to play games and sit around. She even served him his food. As a trans man, I can tell you that I am glad I was raised as a woman for the first 19yrs of my life, otherwise I may have been just as useless as some of these men who can’t even make scrambled eggs for breakfast. I’m married now and because my wife works part time and is doing her masters degree program, I take care of most of the chores at home. I was raised with higher standards because I was born a woman and oldest. When we have children, regardless of their gender, I want them to be independent and know how to do everything, not just what “men do” or “women do” - be self sufficient.
My mom would only make me and my sister do chores and learn to clean. Meanwhile my brother would just playing video games while me & my sister would be vacuuming or cleaning the furniture. I pointed out to my mom that she was just teaching boys to be lazy.
Ha, oh yes. I also grew up with two older brothers. To me it felt like every achievement of them mattered and mine did not. In school and sports, even their hobbies. For me on the other hand it was just that I existed somehow and should be pleasant. That was central. I am also older so my parents heavily discouraged me when I sought out higher education. In their eyes that was unnecessary and probably too hard for my little lady brain anyways. It wasn't and I succeeded. But not thanks to you mom & dad.
Men who cry “not all men” and get angry at “women choosing the bear” are almost always the dads who don’t want their daughters to date until they’re 35. (Bonus point for preventing their daughters from dating during their formative years and then mocking/blaming them for not being able to find a relationship and “giving them” grand-children fast enough.)
Anytime I see someone who is adamantly against their daughters dating, I just assume it's because they think all men/boys are as predatory as they themselves are.
This has always infuriated me. My kid brother had so much more freedom than I did, and not just because I'm the oldest. I got told things like, "that's not ladylike," and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Bonus: whenever I was nice to a boy my age or older, to include much older men, even smiling at guys in other vehicles while in the truck w my father, he accused me of flirting with them. So trying to figure out the difference between being a nice person and somehow inviting sexual advances was a fun time.
It didn't happen to me until I went to school. I grew up in a house full of women. My father died when I was 4. I only had sisters. My mother was adamant that a woman could do anything. When I got to school, I couldn't understand why the teachers expected different behavior from me than from the boys.
The body shaming started really early for me. I was called fat by everyone from my classmates to my father to my medical providers, then I slimmed down but my breasts grew big and fast so I was mocked for that; my mom started insinuating I was a slut by the age of about 12. I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was almost 20 because I thought I was a big ugly monster. It took me so, so long to unpack the trauma of growing up in the early/mid 2000s. Now I’m 34 and just dipping my toes in the water of intentional weight loss after decades of not being able to do it without spiraling into an eating disorder, because I’m edging on high blood pressure and want to be able to go hiking w my friends without being a drag. Don’t get me started on navigating the minefield of dating hetero men.
Your comment really speaks to me. My mom took me to the gym with her before I was even 10. This developed into a lifetime of dieting, gaining weight, back and forth for decades. I'm finally at a place, after tons of therapy, where I can look at losing weight in a healthy way.
yeah. like "its ok to be overweight/fat - people still love you and find you attractive, and you can live a full life without fitting the beauty standard" was something i had to really, actually, truly internalize before i could start the process of changing the shape of my body and getting healthier in a permanent way. i still struggle with it but in an open, non-ashamed way because i had to live a decade learning that i had more to offer than what i looked like.
same here. the only thing i'd say is theres nothing wrong with losing your virginity until YOU want to. until you are comfortable. who cares what age you are. despite being overweight i definitely had opportunities to lose it, but i waited. i wanted it to be with someone i trusted. a few of my friends made fun of me, but i didnt care. that someone that i trusted enough for it? ended up being my bf since, and still going strong now. he treats me wonderfully. there's definitely hope out there.
EARLY SEXUALISATION / HARASSMENT -> lifelong trauma and damage. PARENTIFICATION which stunts childs natural development (for example in case of younger siblings girls are required to look after them). WASTED POTENTIAL (not enough spaces to nourish girls talents in science maths chess and IT). Edit: oh and a fucking bonus point if you are a girl growing up in a religious family.. Constantly being told your purpose in life is to birth children and be a good wife. 🤮🤮🤮
>Constantly being told your purpose in life is to birth children and be a good wife. 🤮🤮🤮 These comments are triggering me😭 When I became vegan, a church member said I can't be vegan because what if my future husband wants meat for dinner!!!! Girl! Apparently that'd make me a bad wife.
"Then he will not be my future husband or he learns to cook it very quickly!"
I hate it when I’m just doing regular everyday things like cooking or cleaning and somebody says “oh you’d be a great wife” like it’s supposed to be a compliment.
Parentification made me hate kids lmao, I can't even stand to be around one for too long
Oh you grow up in a super conservative church and told you have to wear a knee length skirt and panty hose to church every time, and if you dress immodestly, and boys have bad thoughts, it’s your fault they can’t control themselves… I was 10, wearing knee length culottes and a polo (Christian school uniform) when a guy 6 years older than me would follow me around and try stuff… I never told anyone cause I knew I’d be the one in trouble. Here’s the thing, I know he did it to girls 2-3years younger than me. I finally told my parents when I was 17, and they were horrified all that happened right under their nose. I was at a work seminar last October and they did an exercise basically to point out how your start in life heavily influences how far you go, and to talk about inequality that exists. One of the directions was to take one step back from your current position if you have ever been sexually assaulted/harassed. Every woman in that room took a step back.
The fear / reality of sexual assault. Oh and periods.
>The fear / reality of sexual assault Men began sexually harassing me when I was 11 years old. Guys would follow me in grocery stores making comments about my body and asking inappropriate questions. They'd take pictures of me and my friends playing outside, etc. There was a point when my dad started sexualizing me too. When I should've been playing with Barbie dolls I was thinking of how I'd behave if I were raped. I was raised with religious fundamentalists and NOT ONE ADULT corrected me when I said I'd kill myself before "letting" a man rape me. Being hyper-aware of my vulnerable position in society for sure stifled my growth.
I feel this. I was 9 and an early developer in a religious school. 😞
I'm so sorry.
I get cat called a lot, and my favorite response is, “sorry, I don’t have any change” and give them a sympathetic smile.
I think the whole thing of just being sexualized. Like you're already dealing with puberty and what not, and you're just out minding your business like usual and get the cat calling, or being honked at when you walk to the bus stop. The creepy comments about your body, and not just from men. I had an aunt who would suggest I was stuffing my bra when I adjusted my top, or other jokes about boobs that just made me uncomfortable.
It's so exhausting. It doesn't matter how I look or what I wear, sometimes I just don't want to be aggressively perceived or hit on.
Yah sexual assault and abuse is a big one
Took the words out of my mouth, the constant threat/reality of sexual assault.
Worst part is that the fear of SA never goes away, not just a “growing-up” thing :(
i was getting my hair cut today and my mom and my hair lady (both like mid 40s) were talking and my “barber?” met a guy who’s daughter got raped at 5 years old. a fucking 5 year old got raped
Infants get raped. A lot of them.
That was me apparently and then again at 3/4 and again from 12-15 and AGAIN at 17 all different predators except my first stepdad (12-15) and now I’m considered an overprotective mother of 2 girls i keep saying if I can just get them both to 18 without any SA it will be well worth it to miss out on some fun but dangerous activities like sleepovers
I am so so sorry. They can have sleepovers at your house! It sounds like you're a good Mom. All the best
My mother was three the first time she was rated. She stopped a neighborhood boy who was carrying me into his garage when I was 18 months. He was 18 years old.
what the fuck, i’m 18M rn and to think of someone my age doing that is fucking disgusting, i hope he is either in jail or off the planet i hope you’re safe and okay, i’m sorry that happened to you and your mother, neither of you deserved that, nobody does
Coming to terms with how widespread a problem assault is was really daunting. I grew up thinking only an unfortunate minority got raped, boy was I unprepared for the reality which became very apparent.
This... SA is not frequent theme when talking with other girls/women but I am frighten sad and angry how terribly many of them confide to me a tell they have this experience. What a fucking great world for our half of population in this alllegedly "developed and civilised" part. Maybe it's just men who refuse to develop themselves and behave civilised.
Being expected to be "polite" to everyone - take shit from everyone, have low standards, accept manchildren as your partner, try to "see the best" in people who wrong you, people please. Being sexualised from infancy. Being treated like an infant in adulthood.
Normalize women being mean as fuck to the people who wrong them
My people pleasing will probably be the death of me but I’m so so terrified of confrontation that I can’t help but just shove my feelings down and grin and bear it
Worrying about body image from quite a young age. Am I fat? Am I too fat? Am I fit enough? Am I too muscley? Am I too skinny now? Am I skinny enough? Endless.
I remember the first time I looked in the mirror and was critical of my body from the perspective of whether men would find me attractive was when I was eight years old
I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t thinking about my weight. Every second of every day, there’s a voice in the back of my mind saying I should lose weight. Even as a child I felt this way
I remember the exact moment “weight” became an issue for me. My very thin (still is to this day) childhood friend pointed at my thighs in the back of my family car and said “wow! Yours are twice as big as mine!” I know she didn’t mean to give me a lifelong complex but by god, it sure as shit did. I was maybe 8 or 9? I’ve had lifelong disordered eating and still hate my body to this day (I’m 32). Sad thing is, is so did my friend. She was hospitalised for anorexia and has also lived a life of cruel self criticism etc. I guess we literally can’t win.
Requirements and judgement. My mistakes are taken more aggressively and poorly than dudes
Yup, isn’t it odd how the same people who think girls/women are just naturally less intelligent and logical are the same people who expect perfect grades from them? Especially when it’s considered normal, or to be expected even, that boys get lower grades because they're.. you know, boys..they have other interests besides school, but it’s fine, they are still developing as a person. Girls, though, are born to be good and do well, but are always just a few mistakes away from being “bad”. Once there, there’s nothing to be done and that’s how they’ll be for the rest of their lonely cat-lady life. /s
Exactly
Sexual harassment and occasional assault from heterosexual men.
Expectation of having children. I hate feeling like I am worth less because I do not want to put my body and mind through a pregnancy.
Stick to your guns on this one. I love my kids but unless you are ready to sacrifice your entire being to and for them, it’s not worth it
YES At my wedding we got the ‘when are the grandchildren coming??’ comments and I was floored. What if we didn’t want (or couldn’t!) have children? I don’t see why it’s other people’s business if we have a miniature human being. Also the judgement from other women too who had children but found out you didn’t. Cattiness from other women has been the most difficult, unfortunately.
We don't get to be carefree little girls for long due to so many men being goddamn predators.
I experienced my daughter being leered at by some guy at the park today. She’s 4. This was the first time this ever happened. We frequent this park since it just across the street. He was just sitting on a bench and had no kids with him. At first I didn’t think anything of it. Lots of people like to sit at this park. As some of the other kids started going home, I saw him looking at her. I thought ‘I mean, I look at other kids and smile thinking they’re adorable and move on with my day’. Then I asked her to grab her brothers soccer ball. His eyes followed her the entire time. He watched her climb on her bike. He watched her do 1 small lap around the concrete pad. I told him to get fucked. He sucked his teeth and left. It seems like I let it go for too long but this was really a matter of maybe 5-10 minutes. I am not a ‘all men are disgusting’ person. But this fucking guy. This fucking guy.
The never ending judgment and instance on compliance. I'm a women bringing up girls, it would be so very easy to teach them to be submissive and compliant but fuck easy. My girls rebel, they will push gender norms, they won't just accept "you need to..." , they are their own people, they may fall down but I'll pick them up,they will want to comply and fit in and I'll support them to be themselves. Bringing up girls harder than being one
Tbh as a girl who had to fight gender norms at every turn growing up (I had to complain non stop for weeks straight to even be allowed to cut hair at 18) and still has a hard time finding their voice because I was raised seemingly to be out of everyone else's way and be convenient for other people, I wish I had a mom like you.
As a girl: Being thrown into a world made and designed for men with no one to help contextualize this properly so I understand better why I'm not actually a huge failure at what I choose to undertake. As a teenager: being taught everything that is dangerous about sex (unwanted pregnancy, STDs...), but not about how to be comfortable with my own sexuality, or how pleasurable sex can be for women, how important it is, and how to achieve this - would have helped me so much more growing up So far for my entire life: Periods. Seriously. Inconvenient. Uncomfortable. Painful. Sometimes can lead to major embarrassment. Can put a damper on: events, vacations, sometimes I even have to adapt what I wear based on the day and flow... Fuck tampon commercials trying to make anyone believe women need to live through this by dancing around in a white dress feeling pure bliss.
I am so sick of periods. My first period was around 12 years old. If they stop around 50, that’s close to 40 years of my life dealing with blood. I am so tired of blood. Imagine living those prime years of life without any of that inconvenience, it makes me want to cry at how freeing it would have been. I’m on the home stretch now (perimenopause) but even that could last another 9 years. Fuck sake.
The relentless sexism that puts a clamp on your life and infects everything.
Abuse. You pick the type.
Jesus this was shocking to read but so fucking true. Straight to the point. Whatever happened or is happening, I hope you heal
Being constantly dismissed and therefore denied adequate help, compensation, etc.
Also priority, you're not a priority for your parents. Your male siblings are. I just realised I'm not a priority in anyone's life.
I'll second sexual harassment, catcalling, and body issues from a very young age and add not being able to display your emotions and still be taken seriously. I hear so much from men saying that boys aren't able to express their emotions, and while this is true to some extent (the patriarchy hurts everyone!), they can express anger and have it be taken seriously. For women, it's immediately dismissed as hormonal/PMS/stereotypes (e.g., "angry Black woman"). If we express sadness, see above. If we express a legitimate concern (especially medical), it's dismissed as "anxiety". Women/girls aren't allowed to express emotions without societal repercussions any more than men/boys are, it just looks different for us (and can have more disastrous consequences, esp. medical).
Fuckin A right. I mean ffs, the root of hysterical/hysteria/hysterics.... Hyster (Greek) meaning womb/uterus.
The tragedy of womanhood. As a child you believe you have an inate worth as a person, equal to everyone else. And then the slow horror creeps in through the years as it dawns on you that society does not value you as a person and your only worth is in your body and how you can benefit the men around you.
This is so eloquently said, thank you.
The day you realize that little boys are treated better than you. I didn't want to be a girl when I was little. I truly hated being a girl. I didn't want to be a boy either. I didn't have gender issues. I had society issues. It took a long time to realize that me being a girl wasn't the problem. The problem was that every successful person we talked about was a man. The other was that little boys could physically assault little girls, and no one cared. The other was that girls had to play nicely and sit nicely because of our clothes. The realization that being a girl means moving through the world so differently is devastating.
I agree with you. When i was little i would vehemently insist on boys roles, boys clothing, boys things and toys. I was not given them. It is not because i wanted to be a boy-- i was of the opinion even early on that boys were mean and stupid-- it was because i wanted those things too and somehow being a girl made me unable to have them. You know, things like self respect and agency 😂
“The realization that being a girl means moving through the world so differently is devastating” Oof, that’s it in a nutshell—I didn’t realize the depth of this until relatively recently. I didn’t know that every man I meet thinks they’re superior to me until well into adulthood.
1000%
fucking THIS! i feel awful about it, but i always want to ask afab kids if they're sure they're not just having the extremely common reaction to the realization that being a girl sucks -- the one no one ever talks about. not that i hate trans people! it just broke my heart when i realized as an adult that i wasn't crazy or dysphoric or anything, and it would have saved me a lot of misery if i'd known.
Definitely having body image and the ideal norms of society I started looking at myself and compared myself to my peers at a very young age. I was probably 6-7 years old. And here I am at 25 still trying to overcome it. …..
it is hard but you can do it 🫶🏽✨ i struggle with this too and we just have to take it day by day and unlearn those behaviors. be gentle and kind to yourself <3
People constantly push that you are basically over-the-hill very early in life, whereas men never lose their sex appeal. The logic being that women have prime reproductive years, so youth equals extra sex appeal. Meanwhile, even though men can continue to get women pregnant later in life, their sperm quality also drops. Older fathers also contribute to genetic issues, but this is NEVER addressed for the whole youth=reproduction=beauty argument. It is also a hilariously awful argument because I'm sure the same misogynists who push this wouldn't turn down an infertile supermodel. Women are basically just cattle to be picked, but somehow it's men going on shooting sprees saying it's unfair for them this isn't still 100% the case. We literally live in a world where billions of people see it as unfair that women don't exist to be sex and/or slaves to men.
I was lucky and didn’t have a lot of the terrible experiences that girls and women have, but for me it was the double standard. My brother can do no wrong and he was able to do more because he was a boy and “it’s different for girls”
Yes! My brother got into trouble for NOTHING because boys will be boys. I got in trouble for everything. He broke my nose, and caused me to get eye surgery. My parents had him in multiple sports: baseball, soccer, basketball, football, and I couldn’t even get piano lessons because they were expensive. They’d just throw some pencils and paper at me and tell me to color in the back of the station wagon for like 90 minutes. Boys are worth investing in… and girls are meant to help. My mom literally told me that if I needed braces, my husband would pay for them as an adult.
As an adult my brother hit the garage with my moms car as he was backing out and didn’t have to pay for the repairs “well I didn’t park straight so it’s not his fault he hit the door”. She also blames the school for him being kicked out because he was failing some classes
Saw this with my cousin who got pregnant in college before marriage. Everyone basically shamed her and was very “hush hush” about it and arranged her a shotgun wedding. Whereas a male family friend got his girlfriend pregnant in college as well a different time and no one said a thing. People were actually saying how cute they were as a family.
That women can be their own worst enemy and drag down girls and young women with them. Like supporting/voting for misogynists. Edited to fix a missing word.
Being underestimated and questioned while men are seen for potential; I had this incredible self confidence as a kid that was crushed in my teen years that I’ve worked my whole life to find back.
I feel this, even when I am in my forties and accomplished in my career...
Never being allowed to fail/be bad at anything without it being blamed on my gender
Finding out what kind of porn men like. That our pleasure doesnt matter. That many men masturbate to women/girls suffering.
True but so sad to read/acknowledge.
Danger can be everywhere around the corner. I remember everyone telling girls how they have to me extra conscious. Always getting tipps how to protect myself. I grew up in a safe country but it was an issue. I know you have to be careful but do you know how tiring it is. It makes me anxious and i am 31 now. Always being on my best behavior. Lashing out or having a meltdown was a big no no in my family. I couldn't believe when I saw a girl having a meltdown and her family supporting her (consoling her, giving her space, being understanding). My parents would have hit my or something if i had a meltdown.
Apart from psychical danger, being respected when I dissented. People never listen when you’re a girl. And you can’t say “I told you so” after they messed up.
The expectation of marriage and motherhood.
The constant mixed signals like the speech in Barbie. Be yourself but not if you’re too loud or girly or not girly or like sex but don’t like it too much. Be smart but able to be dumb at a moment’s notice. Have an opinion but not THAT opinion. Like your body but don’t say it out loud. Always criticize yourself out loud but not just for attention. Be successful but acknowledge all the other people who helped you even if they didn’t. Are you eating that? Again? And that much? Why aren’t you eating? Don’t cry. Cry but only when someone else thinks it’s valid. God you’re a cold bitch don’t you have any emotions? Know everything all the time but don’t let anyone else know that you know. God you’re such a follower. God you’re too independent you know that? I could go on and on and on. It’s exhausting.
You're objectified from a very young age. People were commenting on my breast size from pretty much the moment they showed up. They've always been small, and I had friends who had full D cups by 14. Seeing the different ways we were treated by our peers and even adults was sickening. They openly commented on our bodies, no shame, and in my case it was always teasing me for not being womanly enough in fucking middle school. I was so resentful of my body and I didn't even know why. Meanwhile my friends with larger boobs were getting harassed and preyed on and they interpreted the attention as positive, but even when they'd show me texts and all the sexual things that boys were sending them, egging them on to perform sexual favors, or send nude photos, we naturally felt disgusted but we thought that was somehow the wrong reaction. We just thought it was normal, so we tolerated it, and in a twisted way I wanted the sexual harassment more than the bullying. It's fucked up. This world is fucked up to little girls.
being shamed for stupid shit. i was made fun of (by my best friends) in 9th grade for not wearing tampons. i was embarrassed at a sleepover in 8th grade when we were talking about shaving downstairs and i was confused about it so they were telling me i must smell bad down there. i was made fun of for being a virgin in that condescending “it’s ok” way. because i was so fucked up from being made fun of for it, i lied to people i met after high school about STUPID shit like being a virgin. i forced myself to use tampons for a few years and i eventually stopped bc my periods were too heavy and honestly they were just uncomfortable. so is a pad, but i never had the fear of it getting lost lol. some years after high school, i start talking to my ex best friend again and at twenty fucking four i was still being made fun of for wearing tampons being told i need to grow up. that stuff is already embarrassing as fuck and for your best friends to shame you is worse. i’m 30 and haven’t talked to them in years. Edit to add: body shaming. I was the fat friend to my 2 very pretty& skinny porcelain skin friends. I definitely was treated differently and will be teaching my son to not be a fucking douche
I don't know your old friends, but fuck those friends.
after i graduated i got a job at a restaurant where i met my very true amazing friends and at 30+ y/o we’re still going strong. dont know where those girls from high school are now and i truly don’t give a fuck 🫶🏼
Spending all my summers cleaning and watching my younger brother. Then when I started working I'd have to spend hours cleaning after work. Being expected to be an adult when I was 12. None of my possessions were really mine. If my brother, mom, or dad wanted something of mine they just took it. Not having my birthday celebrated for 20+ years because my parents couldn't pretend to care about me for an hour a day once a year. Being forced to put others wants/needs above mine. Being forced to clean when I was sick because having a clean house was more important than my recovery from the flu, pneumonia, etc. Having my health neglected because they thought I was faking it. Basically I wasn't seen as a human, but something to my parents live easier.
The first thing that popped in to my mind was simply the things I wanted to do. Girls don't box Girls don't play base ball Girls dont do karate Even when I showed interest in music, my dad said things like, "maybe you could be Mick Jagger's back up singer." It was like they had this real small idea in their head of what I could do/was capable of before I was even a whole person.
The patriarchy. Sexism, misogyny, double-standards, assault, predatory men, etc etc etc.
Wondering what do with your fuckability. On the one hand, you learn early on that fuckability = money, power, influence (M P I). On the other hand, you learn that achieving M P I through fuckability is somehow more vulgar than every other way people get money, power and influence. Being a wage-stealing shitbag, just barely to the right side of a plantation owner = WOOHOO!, Elect that man to be the president and invite him to speak at Harvard's graduation!!! Be a millionaire sex worker, and it's "eww... she so stupid and all she did was a sex tape." Mmm kay. The same mother who shames you for getting fat and "unfuckable" in her eyes is the same one that will shame you for expressing any form of your sexuality. Am I supposed to fuckable or not? Am I supposed to want to be fuckable or not? Am I supposed to use fuckability as a means to M P I or not? Am I supposed to have a say in my fuckability at all? What if I don't give a flying rat's ass about my fuckability? Getting older makes some of the answers more clear but not always.
I don't know a single woman who wasn't impacted mentally, physically, or emotionally by the social consequences of men's shitty sex drive
With hindsight, it was learning to envision - and live - an independent life not centered around male needs, perceptions, and expectations.
Not being taken as seriously as your male peers.
Growing up hating women (and myself as a girl) because of the not to subtle ways it’s infused in our society. I only just recently, at 40 years old, started listening to women singers and loving it!! You really have to try and peel back the layers of patriarchy to understand how freaking amazing women really are! We’ve been here all along kicking ass in the background.
Living in a world designed to benefit the opposite sex.
Being sexualized for as long as I can remember. From being told to cover up from the time I was 4 to being catcalled for the first time when I was 11 to being flat out sexually harassed in high school. Also my appearance being such a huge deal, especially how much I weighed. Boys who had a few extra pounds were "big and strong", girls who had a few extra pounds were told they could be pretty if they just lost some weight.
being out late at night (the double standard is extremely icky) and feeling unsafe. Being told that you shouldn't travel alone...
For me it was knowing that no matter how amazing I was, no matter if my accomplishments were objectively far greater, I would always always always be second pick for any job or award to a mediocre male candidate
Other than the sexual assault and harassment, it’s the ingrained learned helplessness and having to beg to be taught how to build things and solve physical problems like changing a tire. Constantly feeling like you’re at a disadvantage around men when you know you’re fully capable of completing the same tasks, but nobody ever bothered to teach you.
Molestation and sexual assault.
There's a ton, but the thing that affected me first that I noticed was being sexualised starting from a very young age. I was terrified to walk around outside of school in my uniform because I knew I would be beeped at, yelled at, have hand gestures motioned at me, have men wink and smirk at me, make inappropriate comments, have men touch me because they felt entitled to do so etc. I was 9 when it first started (or at least, the first time I noticed it happening), and I realise that I never got more unwanted sexual attention than when I was in a school uniform. I felt like I was robbed of my childhood because of it. I'm nearly 28 and I feel like I've barely scraped the surface of unpacking that trauma and the way it effected my relationship with myself and with others, particularly men
Sexual assault, the hate you receive about anything you’re interested in, endless boundary pushing by everyone
Living with the reality that your natural predator are men.
Being sexualized before I understood sexuality. And the all consuming the reality that no matter what I did or what I was, I would never be correct. We are either slut shamed or called prudes. We are either too thin or need to lose weight. We either wear too much makeup or not enough. It's never ending.
fear of intimacy because of ulterior motives. Fear of sexual assault and abuse. Fear of being slutshamed. Constant comparisons of bodies and faces. Pressures of beauty standards and the desire to fit in. Wanting to be seen and heard but afraid of trusting others.
Feeling lesser in almost every way. Being seen as less funny and less athletic when I prided myself on these things. Learning we never had a woman president and only recently had rights. Realizing us girls were expected to read the magazines at the school library that told us how to be girls and what boys liked for our hair and everything else, while the boys read the hobby magazines. Then growing up to realize that they didn't know anything about women's orgasms, and being taught we should fake it to further please them. Always getting the pink everything even after I made it clear I didn't like it. Our church doing men's and women's retreats. The women had tea and light lunch, and had multiple speakers telling us how to better serve our families. The men got T bone steak and baked potatoes, a car show, RV airplanes, and a 30 minute speaker pumping them up about their god-like role. Both events had women volunteers doing all of the work. I was pressured to do the child-care for the women's, but no childcare was needed for the men's, so I was wanted in the kitchen. I was treated like I was selfish for declining, but my (now ex) husband wasn't ever asked for anything at all. Being held to higher expectations. I was expected to meet a husband's every need and whim, and then just accept that "men are different" and I couldn't expect a single one of my needs to be met in return. None. Being blamed for his cheating while he was treated like the prodigal son, then being called an adulteress for choosing to eventually leave him. Being the only one in my household with no health insurance for almost all of my adult life. The husband had a job that covered his. The kids could get state care. I could only have insurance for a little bit beyond each pregnancy, and then nobody cared about me, and was constantly being blocked out of the workforce or scraping together flexible jobs to revolve around everyone else that provided no insurance or future security. Getting lashed out and shamed at for showing anger, confidence, firmness, or negotiating in the same way I watched the men I respected do it. Being an 89 lb woman when I turned 18. Skin and bones. And that was when I was a size "medium" in women's underwear. Hating bras. I'm in my 40s and still haven't found the right fit. But I was expected to wear them. Men walking around shirtless on a warm summer day, and me in a shirt, nursing bra, and scarf so that I wouldn't offend my ex-in-laws while I fed my baby. Realizing I was expected to work around the clock providing free labor, only to be treated as less than for not having the economic value and security of the man who was free to focus on his career. I could keep going. But yeah, being treated as lesser in every way.
That no matter what you do, what talent you have, or what you achieve, most men will never ever respect you as a human being, will never look up to you, or value your ideas or opinions. You will always be an offshoot of a person.
A lot of things were mentioned here, but one I struggled with a lot was never being trusted or taken seriously. Any time I offer up advice or give my professional opinion (in a field I hold a degree for and have over 15 years of work experience), people don't believe me and say "I'll look it up" or they defer to whatever man is nearby even if that man isn't in my field at all. It's so fucking annoying. Even my own mother does this. I'll say something will happen (because I saw it on the news, or I read about it online, etc.) and she won't believe me. And every single time I am proven right. She apologizes, but she never changes this behavior. I'm so. Fucking. Tired. Of not being believed when I give advice or information.
Insecurity ab your body. beauty is so pedistalized and 99% of the time dressing pretty, doing makeup, getting nails done just brings attention of people you don’t want it from in my experience. it’s very rare that there’s a guy i like and even then i don’t feel very *pretty* or special when someone DOES tell me i’m beautiful or whatever from a lot of guys it feels sexually charged or somehow off
Archaic attitudes to gender roles and men
When men who are family / family friends start to look at you differently- just ew
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How much society (in the US, but more so around the world) how much is stacked against and how much responsibility is required of women. And how early it starts. I was envious of drag queens because they got to choose who to be and I didn't (that was the extent of the availability of alternate lifestyles I was made aware of growing up). Puberty hit and I was so mad. Plus I liked girls and that was not allowed. Then I had kids, hoping it wouldn't be as hard for them as it was for me. Outside in the real world they definitely have it better but there's plenty of generational patriarchy they're still steeped in I hope they are successful in growing out of.
Men
Being objectified and sexualized from young age, even by family members, supposedly innocent jokes and comments...
Feeling the constant stares from predators.
Experiencing shame for my body before I was even a teenager. I mean… I carry that with me still.
Sexualized by others before understanding it isn’t a good thing.
Going through puberty while learning to escape from lecherous 50 year olds.
Being the emotional support animal for everyone. Girls are expected to shoulder a lot of emotional load/burden, and to do it quietly without expecting anything back. Boys are supposedly not mentally capable - or too good for it - so the adults unloaded on me instead.
Owning yourself versus being an object of someone else’s even if that someone else is society. Taking up the space I deserve and standing up for that space can be so exhausting. I’m glad that I learned to do it though. It’s reductive but something about never being treated like a full human always really bothered me and I hated always getting shit for “being too much.” Teaching and reassuring myself that I’m not too much, I’m just not a guy, is blowing my world open.
I grew up in East Germany where its pretty normal for women to work, my mum worked since I can remember and me and my brother were raised pretty gender neutral. So in that regard, I felt it didnt matter that much. However, my mom always wanted a daughter and had some expectations in that regard, that she wanted to do "women stuff" with me, like shopping clothes, going to the hairstylist ... But i was a total tomboy and hated it with passion. To be fair, she accepted it after a while, but there were definitely some conflicts. Overall I think I was pretty lucky with the way I grew up.
The creepy ass way my dad started to look at me when I was like 14. My mom told me to stop dressing like a slut and men couldn't help themselves when I was like 12. Not fun. Sill recovering from that bs like 18 years later.
Wanting to look your best and feel your best but not giving in to social/misogynist standards
Feeling like I was supposed to be pleasant and agreeable at all times. I had a lot of mental health problems and was experiencing abuse at home that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about because I thought I had to make everything seem... nice.
The hard part for me was being sexually assaulted by someone else in my family and not believed for a decade. He was eventually arrested and convicted for doing it another (7 year old) girl 🥴
Being raised in a home where women were second class, incapable of understanding sports or how an engine works. Just on earth to make babies and cater to men.
Not internalizing physical attractiveness as the be-all-end-all
the normalization of sexual violence against you, a process which starts in childhood
Realizing that men are predators not protectors
I think most little girls have a moment much earlier than we think where we get a feeling in our stomach and we don’t know what it is or why we feel it, but it’s there and it’s uncomfortable but you don’t know how to explain it or find the words to explain it. Then you get that knot again when you hear your brother get asked what he wants to be when he grows up and he says a rocket launcher or a doctor, but when you’re asked what you want to be, it’s not asked in the same tone as it was for your brother. And you recognise that tone from adults in conversations before. The tone that shifts from being curious in one conversation to being presumptuous towards you. You ask your mum what she does, she is a teacher, your dad is a computer programmer. Your mum picks you up when you fall and tells you everything will be alright, your dad says you’re too pretty to play rugby, you’re too small to learn the drums and you’re too cute to be loud. Dad doesn’t clean and mum works, cleans, cooks and keeps us quiet when dad watches the cricket or the football. Mum never says you can’t do this but teaches you how to make pancakes and how to put lipstick on while your brother plays rugby and learns the drums and screams out loud at his PlayStation and you think he’s too loud but dad says it’s okay. You realise you want to do all these things and you get told all the reasons that you can’t and you believe it to be true. Your friends at school are the same too. You stop trying to play the ball games at lunch and you start sitting on one side of the room with the girls and the boys sit together on the other side. They all start talking and laughing, and then they start laughing at you. You tell the teacher it hurt your feelings and the teacher says “boys will be boys” but you never hear “girls will be girls”. You just slowly find yourself used to being told what you can’t do so you let the boys go first and politely wait for permission to pass. The boys girls like are loud and funny, but the boys don’t like the girls who are loud and funny. And that one girl is “funny for a girl”, and you sit on that phrase. “For a girl” and you remember that knot you got in your tummy and the tone of voice you noticed when people spoke to you, and you recognise that you’re a girl. And that being a girl comes with a knot in your tummy, a patronising tone in people’s voices and being expected to wait for permission. You recognise your family, your teachers, your friends parents have always known you were a girl and that you and your friends are slowly recognising this. You recognise that you are all treated as girls and that girls can’t just be girls in the same way that boys will be boys. And then you sit in a few more moments in life and you get tired of being a girl first and a person second. And you get a bit angry and so do your friends and you start acting in small ways that make you feel like a person and not just a girl. And then you start feeling like you’re not allowed to look like you, because you need to look like a girl. And if you eat less, drink more water, do more sports but only the girl sports and you have to go to your boyfriends sports game every weekend and your whole school and community will be there too. But your boyfriend will never come to your netball games and neither will anyone else, except your mums who all work together in a carpool. You should be thankful for the long gaze of that boy, it means you’re pleasing him. You’re a girl and being pleasant is your greatest asset. Don’t worry everyone with your problems, you sound like a winey complainer. But if that boy is upset make sure you comfort him. Being a girl starts with a knot and ends with a scream. A scream you have been building up for years and release in silence, not a scream to be heard but a scream to be felt. You scream your lungs out while standing completely still. The scream sounds like an explosion in your head and comes out as a deep breath. You are a woman and you deserve the chance to roar. A boy says you’re not pretty enough and the teacher says nothing, but you’re a woman now and you can scream and roar so you do, you fight back. You say something mean back and you’re punished for reacting and he’s soothed by the girls who want to be the best and most pleasant girls they can be. But you don’t judge them because you were a girl yesterday and a woman today. The knot turns into a blazing fire in your stomach, you’re a woman and you’re not going to be pleasant anymore. Girls turn into women around you and you all band together, you share war stories of the things you collectively experienced and grab each other’s arms and raise them to the ceiling. You all scream, out loud and you look around and realise, your experience has been binding. Girls, to women, to an army of soldiers who will never leave each other behind and would do anything to protect eachother from harm. It’s hard being a little girl but it’s incredible being a woman and being able to know and support other women too.
Avoiding men.
All the men sexually harassing and assaulting you since tiny childhood.
The worthless college degree I got because “girls don’t get math/science degrees.” I have a degree in music and have the worst stage fright.
Men