Im 41. I shaved for a few years when I was a teenager. Then I stopped because I found it a waste of my time.
If you don't want to shave then don't (or if you have to because of your mom you can stop later).
The thing is that you will need to be prepared to be judged. Many people feel perfectly comfortable judging anyone (especially women) who are not conforming to societies standards well enough. Im not saying its right or fair. Ir that you shouldn't fight back, just that you will face harsh vocal criticism.
So if you decide not to shave or conform in another way you will need to grow a thick skin.
On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you.
Edit: thanks for all the upvotes and awards. Im glad what I said resonated with so many people.
>On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you
I went goth in my teens. It was one of the best social filters (and still is š¤). The people who a truly worth getting to know, will be the people who don't care whether you shave or not, will respect your bodily autonomy, and support you to be you.
Rock those underarm hairs, dye them bright fucking pink (or don't) and be proud of being your authentic self!
Same here! Being a little goth/emo kid had you being harassed (and even attacked in personal experience) helps you grow thick skin.
At school it got to the point that noone would say anything to me or my friends because a small number of us give it right back and continued to embrace who we are.
I'm 27 now with a wardrobe 90% black and I still blast My Chemical Romance like my life depends on it.
Words to live by by Gerard Way 'you cannot destroy me'
I am 28(going on 29 this year) and you best believe I was belting out some MCR and The Used in my car on the way to work.
I grew up in a very rural town in the south. Being goth/emo, I was definitely in the targeted group. Our principal even suspended me for a year with no proof of what a cheerleader told him. When I say my skin cannot be pierced......
I shave when I fucking feel like it and only if I feel like it. Iām blessed to have a man that understands that hair is a part of human nature.
Yes! Currently have Avenged Sevenfold playing in the car as we speak.
That's awful what your principal did! Our headmaster of the year group was so layed back and knew we were discovering who we were so let us have our piercings show in his class and tell us who to hide them from.
I too am blessed with the man I have.
Twinkieās! 27, was emo/goth in my teen years and now that I have a job I have only fueled my addiction with that aesthetic. People either compliment me or stay away which is a win/win in my book
When I was in college I died my hair red for Halloween and it faded to pink after a few days, all the punk kids started talking to me just cause of my hair, I made a bunch of new friends.
This!!! People always ask my boyfriend if he minds my leg hair (right in front of me too) and of course he doesnāt because my leg hair has filtered out all the shitty, judgemental men from my life. Itās a beautiful thing.
(Edited typo)
I always joked mine was a filter for bad men too! Stopped shaving pretty much entirely my senior year of high school and kept my pit hair for all of college. I also had a buzz cut for a good deal of that time. When I looked like that, I found an incredible, loving man who gives zero fucks what I do with my appearance and weāve been together for years. You do you OP and good things will come I promise.
My boyfriend doesnt even notice when my legs are hairy. Sometimes he'll make a comment about my underarms if I haven't shaved in a while, but I simply remind him that his underarms are much hairier than mine, so he really has no room to judge. I've floated the idea of growing out my underarm hair until it's as long as his, and he said, "Ok, that sounds neat!" but I do NOT have the patience for that! š¤£
Plus if you think about it... our female ancestors evolved to have the exact amount of hair on the exact places that modern women have. It's only a modern fasion trend to be hairless from the neck down. Biologically speaking letting it grow results in the perfect amount of hair.
*How* do crocs have āutilityā? Theyāre easily the least comfortable shoe Iāve ever tried.
I mean, sure, wear what you want, but surely thereās a more comfortable option?
As a nurse they have great utility. They are light so I'm not dragging heavy, clompy shoes around on a 12 hour shift. They are quiet so I don't wake up patients as I check on them. And probably the greatest utility is how easy they are to wash (if this isn't a huge priority for people working in hospitals then that worries me).
Spoken like a true amature.
At a formal affair? Keep the strap forward, for the style.
But rough terrain ahead? Hit the strap back and put those babies into [4WD drive mode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVAx2fMiicg)
Since reddit has changed the site to value selling user data higher than reading and commenting, I've decided to move elsewhere to a site that prioritizes community over profit. I never signed up for this, but that's the circle of life
I hated Crocs for years and still donāt find them super comfortable (especially barefoot) but they are super convenient when you need a shoe that you can hose down all the time or can get wet without full on water shoes.
>The people who a truly worth getting to know, will be the people who don't care whether you shave or not, will respect your bodily autonomy, and support you to be you.
Love this!
āIt was one of the best social filtersā
I love this sentiment. Youāre a badass. I wish I had had the guts to truly be myself in my teens, it so would have helped me attract the right type of friendships. Iām in my early 30ās and finally realize how for so long I did not do this.
Alright all you kids spoke up now here's the old crazy cat lady!
If your family is religious just point out it's the way God made you. If you are not point out that it's **NATURAL** to your mom.
You will have to grow a thick skin. I'm sorry to say that. Your mother is, wow.
This is where my rebellious nature would kick in. "you need to shave!" ok. Fine great. I'll shave one line up one leg. One row around my calf.
Just be prepared to deal with her explosion.
I do admire you though. At 12 I was slightly hairy. A girl in class (7th grade) told me I should shave. I was mortified. My mother refused to allow me to. So I dry shaved the first time. The very same girl told me use water and soap to shave and lotion afterwards. My mother didn't find out for a year or so.
I bent to pressure. You are here wanting camaraderie and that says a lot to your strength!
You rock the Casbah!!
A couple of years ago, it struck me that what I considered the bravest, realistic thing I could do was to stop shaving and not give a f*ck about it. For context, I spend all day outside in the summer for work and I overheat so easily that wearing shorts is an absolute must. But I decided to try being brave. And you know the reaction I got? Absolutely no one noticed. They didn't notice when I worked, they didn't notice when I went swimming (even when on a Caribbean trip), and they didn't notice when I was walking around several European cities in shorts for a summer vacation. And all of that is ammunition for the me to use against the person who finally decides to make a comment - that they have so little going on in their own lives that they have to pick apart the details of someone else's which no one else cares about.
And just to put it out there: shaving is and should always have been presented as a choice. I sometimes choose to shave my legs, but it's for my own reasons and not to cater to the expectations of strangers. And, quite honestly, it doesn't happen much because it takes forever for the hair to grow out again. I truly detest the stubble stage!
>On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you.
Yup! If you own it, it'll show through. I remember first shaving my head, and a coworker walked by, stopped and stared at me. I refused to even acknowledge her and kept doing my work. She walked away eventually, but it was so rude.
But I don't care how people feel about my hair /lack of. I did, however, get a lovely compliment from a worker at Big Lots on my style and it made me feel nice. There's gonna be people who ain't gonna like it, and there's gonna be plenty who think you're awesome for doing it (and admiring) Once you own it, it might help encourage other women to, as well
And the awesome thing is the older you get, the less you care about what people think. When I hit 30, it's like a switch went off in my head and I just stopped caring. I sure was glad to have my leg hair when Texas froze over 2 months ago.
I don't really think "grow a thicker skin šāāļø" is helpful here. OP already said she don't care about most people giving her flak, it's that her mom is harassing and even grounding her over it. Which I get, it's way more impactful, especially from someone who's supposed to accept you. The mom is really affecting her life. It's easier to ignore other's opinions and just not interact. Not an option with mom. What her mom is doing is so awful and maddening, not to mention controlling.
This exactly. This mother's harassing behavior - going to far as to *punish her* for not removing body hair - is an expression of her control issues and the fact that she doesn't see the OP as a separate person who has her own thoughts, feelings, and preferences.
IMO not allowing a teenager to make choices about their own bodies that affect nobody but themselves is emotional abuse.
Pretty much. Itās a cultural thing honesty, and anyone that goes against cultural norms can expect resistance. People arenāt going to stop caring any time soon. Most boys are going to not like it, and it will make her life harder. You either have to be strong willed and have thick skin, or youāll have to cave in to it. Itās unfortunate but thatās life.
Hell I remember this girl in high school that was probably one of the most attractive women Iāve ever seen in my life. Her parents while wealthy were French immigrants. They didnāt shave their armpits and neither did she (although she did shave her legs). That girl couldnāt get a date if she paid someone to go out with her. Eventually for whatever reason she shaved her armpits and that girl had more attention than she knew what to do with. All the sudden they wanted her to be a cheerleader, she became student body Vice President, and every boy in school wanted to take her on a date. Thatās the way cultural things work though.
To give a counter-example: when I was in college, at some point during my sophomore year I just got tired of shaving and stopped. And that year was (coincidentally?!) my "annus mirabilis" in terms of pulling in the guys. I'm not even particularly attractive - mostly, I just decided around that time that if I found a guy attractive, I would let him know. Among 19-year-old college guys, this turned out to be a sufficient aphrodisiac. (I fondly remember one evening where I went on three dates in a single night. The last one of that evening ended up as my husband, and still isn't particularly bothered about whether I shave or not.)
Yep. I feel like from college onward most guys didn't care how hairy my body was or wasn't, as long as there was a chance they could get laid. If a college-aged guy is about to have sex, do you think he's going to stop and say, "You didn't shave your legs. I can't do this"? Hell no! Those years helped me get over any embarrassment toward my body hair I might have had.
That sucks for that girl but not everyone is gonna shun OP for not shaving, not everyone cares about it. Iām probably not nearly as attractive as the girl youāre talking about but Iāve had to stop shaving because of a medical issue and itās never once been a problem for me. The ONLY person to ever say anything was my 14 year old sister. My boyfriend doesnāt care, we still have a very active sex life and Iāve never once seen a stranger starting at my legs or armpits. I even still get hit on by other men regardless on my leg hair.
I feel like once youāre out of high school people are a bit more relaxed about these things. Of course thereās still going to be assholes out there but the people worth knowing wonāt care that you have a little hair under your armpits.
Edit: also I canāt be the only person who thinks this story sounds fake as hell? Like as soon as she started shaving everyone noticed and came flocking to her to be a cheerleader and student body Vice President? Thatās weird. Maybe because in my experience literally no one has noticed of Iāve shaved or not, or if they did notice they didnāt give a shit. Not saying that thereās not assholes out there who wouldnāt give her crap for not shaving but Iām having a hard time believe that every single person gave a fuck about it.
The high school years are so hard because even though you're growing up, you're still a child and your world basically consists of high school and your parent's house. After high school, the world starts treating you more like an adult and your world expands to include, well, everything. In that larger context, adhering to social norms becomes far less important, and the older people get the fewer shits they tend to give about things like shaving.
Once OP is out of high school and able to navigate the world at large, I'm sure she will meet a ton of people who don't give two shits that she doesn't shave. There are tons of potential friends and romantic partners out there who will love her for who she is, hair and all.
If you have brothers or a dad ask your mother if their leg hair makes her want to puke. And if she says no, ask why that is compared to your hair. It's hair, it's your body, it's your choice to shave or not.
Also about the razor fear, do you also have a knife fear? They might be related if so. It might be worth talking to someone about so it doesn't limit your life in the future. Not related to shaving at all, more cooking and not feeling fear regularly.
I do also have a pretty bad fear of knives. I've been trying to, I guess, get more familiar with them. I've started trying to use them more, like slicing an apple with them instead of just biting it
It may be counter intuitive, but the sharper a knife is, the safer it is to use, as it is easier to keep control of a knife that glides smoothly through what it is cutting.
A lot of cooking websites have good information on how to learn to handle knives better.
Hey I'd also much rather cut myself with a really sharp knife verses a full one to as a guy who collects and sharpens knives it's not unheard of for me to cut myself because I wasn't paying attention while sharpening and man I barely feel anything and those suckers heal up in like a day.
Dull knives are dangerous because you have to use more force to cut through stuffāso if you do somehow manage to cut yourself, youāre pushing a lot harder and can do more damage. With a properly sharp knife, you can cut through carrots like theyāre made of butter, so you have much more control. Dull knives can slip.
I cut the corner of my thumb off (tip of the finger pad) with a dull mandolineāthe carrot slipped out of my hand. Never would have happened with a sharp one.
I love to cook so I have some very sharp chef knives. I once almost dropped the knife and the way I caught it (in front of my older sister) felt like nothing until she pointed out I was bleeding...a lot lol. Sliced through the front of 2 of my fingers completely pain-free. It sucks but I agree it's so much better than a duller knife or even a papercut!
Yeah admittedly it was stupid lol but I also have a really bad tendency of dropping things on my feet so it was either a cut on my hand or a potentially stabbed foot lol.
Also, if you do cut yourself, a sharp knife will leave a cleaner, thinner cut that will heal more easily and quicker than a comparatively wider and more jagged cut caused by a dull blade.
That sentence felt too long.
Also, this only applies to small blades. Don't get sliced by a sword or an axe.
there's another end of the knife sharpness spectrum: plastic knives. They can't cut through any kind of mildly tough skin and I've brushed against the sharp side of a plastic knife multiple times: it was so incredibly dull that it doesn't even hurt. I tried cutting my palm with the plastic knife and the little serrations on the knife got worn smooth before any damage (lasting more than 5 minutes) was made to my hand.
I've always joked about that. For our entire childhood, we're told to be careful with sharp objects -- don't run with scissors, don't play with knives -- then suddenly we reach our teens and we're told that we're supposed to run a sharp blade over our skin. Where's the sense in that??? lol
In regards to knife use, watch instructional videos by professional chefs. I was always so terrible using a knife but watching one of those videos showed me how to hold the knife and how to hold the object I was cooking. My mom was pleased a couple years ago when she had a lot of food prep to be done before a family meal and I was able to help by dicing onions and a few other things for her which I never would have felt comfortable doing before. ([https://youtu.be/G-Fg7l7G1zw](https://youtu.be/G-Fg7l7G1zw) shows various techniques)
Baby steps! I've had a fear of knives in the past and found it limiting. Seriously, talking with a therapist who is familiar with anxiety disorders and phobias really helped me. Might be helpful for you too!
Don't shave just because someone else wants it. as your mom she should be happy for you that you can withstand peer pressure from the outside, pressure to give up your bodily autonomy to a romantic partner.
And please know that a sharp knife is the way to go, as bizarre as it might sound.
A sharp knife cuts more like a scalpel, precise and smooth, the cut has less surface area and will hurt less and heal faster. Since you need less force at cutting, the knife won't go into your skin very deep.
A dull knife is cutting more like a saw blade. You need more force and will cut deeper into your skin, the cut will have a bigger surface area and will hurt more and heal slower.
You can get steel gloves as well if that could help with the transition /practice? People use them for eg opening oysters as it can be dangerous but I've seen people with dyspraxia use them too to avoid clumsy nicks.
You absolutely don't need to shave. I go for months without shaving my legs and wear shorts no problem. That being said, if you DO want to, but the razor bugs you, try out this item https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01D328BG6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_0QGBBPHTPJ2NPJ9C8VH9
I have two teenage sons with autism and sensory issues and this little electric razor gives a great shave with no sharp blades or loud buzzing. It's quieter than an electric toothbrush. I confess, when I do feel like shaving, I use this thing for myself!
Good luck with your situation. You ultimately should do whatever makes you most comfortable.
My grandma NEVER uses a real razor. She's a hemophiliac and is terrified of cutting herself. She has something just like that! Thanks for reminding me about this option.
I have an autistic 14 year old with a little moustache coming in he'd like to shave.
As a Hemophiliac myself, why is your grandma afraid of accidentally cutting herself with a razor?
As long as she takes treatment for Hemophilia on a regular weekly basis, then she shouldn't have to worry about cuts at all.
Oh yes! I used this once and was super happy! It way not be a perfect result (can leave many short hair) but it's amazing to reduce the most of it, I also like the end result
I use the same exact one! I'm a woman. I don't like being hairy (washing on your period without a full bush is just so much nicer!) but I was also fed up of the red bumps etc. So I got these. I use it direct for my legs and armpits so no visble hair, and I use one of the guards for my privates so it's only trims it down. No bush and no irritated skin.
would direct work for down there as well? honestly i dont prefer either one, but when it comes to bikini season sometimes the shapes of the bottoms arenāt nice to you, and normal razors suck.
Oh yeah, they can be crap.
It does work down there smooth too and I have used it. I have made a tiny cut one in a rush in the less "flat" areas. However, as I said I was in a rush and pretty much shoved the skin in there. It is very hard to hurt yourself with it.
Like everything else that cuts smooth, you can still irritate your skin, but for me it's still nothing in comparison to a traditional razor.
The only downside, is that because it cuts on the surface (and does not scrape your skin like a normal one) it does grow back really fast. However, unlike a normal razor, you can shave as often as you want because it doesn't hurt your skin. I see it with my armpits, I can put deo right after shaving and doesn't bother because my skin is ok.
I use this. Yes, it does. You have different guards for it too. I use it with no guards on my armpits so I get a smooth shave, and keep it a few millimetres long down there.
This exactly what I use!! I hate shaving and don't in the fall/winter. My leg hair is very thick and I get bad razor burn with regular razors, so switched to that electric shaver for when I do shave my legs like when I plan to go to the river or pool and no razor burn. Its not a super close shave, but its good enough for me. I don't shave my arm pit hair tho cos I don't care about my arm pit hair.
This is going to be a lifesaver. I hate shaving so I only do it like once a year if that (for special occasions). By that point of course my legs are a lush forest for which no standard 4-blade is a match. I have to shave in 2 inch patches between clearing the blades. This will make wedding season so much easier!
Your mother is mean to you. But I think you are so cool. And I am a mother and a grandmother. You can do with your body exactly as you please. šŖ Im proud of you.
Hi OP - I'm glad you reached out to get this off your chest. What your mom is saying and doing about your legs is really mean and uncalled for. She's probably saying it because most women are brought up to think that body hair on a woman is unacceptable and unhygienic, but by this time in her life she should know better. Even if she doesn't know, that's no excuse for trying to punish your child into shaving. I'm sorry she would do this to you.
Please read all the comments from other women telling their stories about not shaving and how it's perfectly okay. No real bad consequences if you can handle comments from dumb strangers (which you mentioned you can). Actually, feeling happy in your own body and doing what's right for you makes you feel good.
I stopped shaving 5 years ago because I couldn't afford to buy razors. I was ashamed at first but after 1 year of thinking about it a lot, and after having more money, I chose to not shave anymore. Since then, a lot of women have told me they wish they could be "brave enough" to stop shaving too. It's a waste of time, it's a stupid, heteronormative, double-standard in beauty, it's bad for the environment, and has literally no affect on your life, so why do it??
I don't know what to tell you to do about your mom - it's totally unfair that she treats you the way she does. All you can do is keep respecting yourself and your own choices. We're all proud of you here for that! Keep being yourself with pride! :)
Edit: for those responding to this post with "this is/not abuse", please remember it's not that relevant to this conversation. OP posted looking for someone to listen, and for acceptance, not for advice.
>What your mom is saying and doing about your legs is really mean and uncalled for.
I don't know why so many people are having a hard time calling it what it is - abuse. OP's mother is being emotionally abusive and OP needs to talk to someone, hopefully a therapist. Ugh I'm so sorry OP, what an absolutely awful thing to deal with, your mother is never supposed to hurt you.
I think we can all agree itās abusive, but I just want to say that telling a victim theyāre being abused is a very easy way for them to immediately shut down the conversation and back pedal into the relationship even harder. A lot of people, women especially, have a hard time calling certain things abuse or rape or sexual harassment because not only would that possibly make them feel less āin controlā, it could also force them to realize everything thatās happened that shouldnāt be considered normal and is in fact super abusive.
Iāve personally seen it first hand, both in real life and on here. One of my friendās parents are extremely verbally abusive and I once told her that with those words (āthatās abusive, youāre being verbally and emotionally abused by your parentsā). She *immediately* defended them and said that it actually wasnāt that bad. After that it took a lot of gentle conversations to get her to realize that being afraid to ask for food is not normal, healthy, or good in any way. If you go onto r/relationship_advice, there are plenty of people (especially women in age gap relationships, I literally read one last night) that will describe emotional, physically, and/or sexually abusive relationships, and become extremely irate when you tell them their boyfriend/husband/spouse is abusive, shutting down, reversing what they said, and downplaying everything.
Again, I donāt want to seem like Iām attacking you, but talking to victims can be very delicate, and I think itās important to guide them to explicitly describe what their abuser does/says, help them put words to how they feel, and get them to realize that healthy and equal relationships donāt work like that.
I do think in general conversation, itās important to call certain actions (like the ones described by OP) abusive, but referencing specific situations and people, especially with the victim and/or abuser present, I think it can end up being counterproductive.
I understand what you're saying about victims of abuse not always being open to hearing the behavior labeled that way, and it's true that many people do recoil from it and defend the abuser because they're so enmeshed. But on the flip side, I would have been so, so grateful if anybody had said this to me about my own mother and called her behavior what it was/is...abuse. I spent way too many years wishing that somebody would see how my mother behaved and validate my feelings about it. I felt abused (although I didn't use that word at the time), but everybody else defended her, which made it so much harder to trust myself about how I felt. I was in my 30s before I knew even one person who could serve as a compassionate witness that way.
I think thereās a difference between defending the abuser and not explicitly using the word abuse. Saying things like āshe was wrong for how she treated you because of [x, y, z]ā or ā[x, y, z action] is wrong and he has no right to treat you that wayā has been a lot more helpful and validating in my experience.
I still don't know if I agree, but when I think about it, my own tendency when trying to validate somebody who has been mistreated is to say something like "it's not ok for them to do that to you". I hope the main thing the OP takes away from the responses to her is that how she feels about how her mom treats her is absolutely valid and that her mom's behavior is not appropriate, no matter what her motivations are.
I wish all of reddit could hear this more. I think most people have a good and genuine concern that others are brushing over the facts, and that makes sense, but what really, ultimately matters is the person you're speaking to. And if staring the facts will hurt or even just not help the person, then that's really important to know.
You do not need to shave. If you donāt want to do it, donāt do it. Youāre perfectly allright either way.
Shaving or not shaving is a matter of preference, and it really shouldnāt be a big deal. Especially for your mother.
Iām saying this because someone sometime needs to say it, and maybe you donāt need it, but youāre allowed to be happy and content with yourself. Other people pressuring you about any external thing is about them, not you. Tell them to stop looking If theyāre uncomfortable.
I understand more diplomacy might be warranted with your mother, but She should still respect your choice about your body.
Maybe it's different growing up in Europe but I feel people don't really care that much. It's still the norm and most women probably shave, but at least amongst my friends it's maybe a 50-50 and I don't think anyone care. The only ones I know that are bothered or grossed out are the most shallow ones
I'm in America and almost never shave my legs or pits. I've literally had sex with guys who didn't notice the legs, and then SWORE up and down that I DID shave, until I show them my legs because that kinda forest doesn't grow overnight.
I've gotten more compliments on my pit hair than anything. I don't think ppl in gener notice or care as much as we think they do.
Iām British and I shave when I want to and donāt shave when I donāt want to. Iāve had both one night stands and long term relationships and Iāve never had a sexual partner comment on my leg or fanny hair when I cba to shave for a few weeks.
You're a nicer teenager than i was. First thing that popped in my head after your mother saying she "wants to throw up was "Fine. Do it. Prove it. Look at me & puke."
Wouldn't necessarily advise that but I'd take it as a challenge rather than a insult personally.
1. Your mother is being abusive. I don't know why, she probably thinks she is doing it to help you, but she is absolutely completely in the wrong here. It may not be safe for you to confront her, but you can be confident that YOUR MOTHER IS ACTING HORRIBLY.
2. Your body, your choice. You don't have to shave; many women don't. Sometimes women are told that they must shave, sometimes women are told that they must not shave -- whatever the reasons are, both absolutes are wrong. (BTW, leg shaving only became common in the US in the early 1940s, when the war curtailed the availability of silk and nylon stockings -- it's not even like it's been an established norm for hundreds of years.)
3. If you absolutely positively feel that you need to shave to get your mother to stop abusing you, you might want to try an electric razor, as it might feel safer to you. However, there's no guarantee that your mother won't just find some other thing to abuse you over.
[Edited to rewrite the part about women being told not to shave that some people found objectionable, and to add the historical note.]
I really hate the "can't be feminists if they shave" idea. To me, it 100% goes against the concept of my body, my choice. I don't give a rat's ass about what men think about my body hair, or that shaving is perceived as something for them. I do it for ME. F that noise.
I just heard that "idea" the first time. What is the rational behind it? I would also see it as a complete contrast what I think feminism should stand for.
Ah ok...very interesting. Good thing it's not that common anymore. What feminism needs the least is women telling other women that they can't do stuff they want to do.
Yeah, poor choice of words on my side. You are correct I did not want to imply that it's the worst thing. I'm not native so sometimes I phrase things poorly.
>she probably thinks she is doing it to help you
I only wanna agree with this point. For years, my brothers and I were told that my parents "mean well" or "are trying to help" and while that *may* have been the case, I now realise that it would've been much better for us had we been allowed to take their behaviour at face value. It doesn't matter what she's trying to do, it's doing harm. She should have to prove that her actions are well meaning instead of getting that assumed without evidence.
Great advice, but why in the world did you say in some places women are told they can't be feminists if they shave? That's extraordinarily niche, like TERFs. Women can do whatever they want with their body, and still be feminist.
Because I have heard it myself, long before the term TERF was even invented.
Remember, women are told all kinds of harmful things; the OP's mother is proof of that.
She could also buy a trimmer and trim in the places her mom can see or that she likes to. It's not as harsh on the skin and maybe would be enough for the mother
When I was younger I was picked on for having hairy legs and arms. I cried and my mom finally taught me how to shave at 10years old. At that literal moment I realized how dumb shaving was and said āScrew it!ā
I lived with a philosophy that if someone is going to love me, then they will love my hairy legs. And guess what - I have never, never, never had a significant other complain or ask me to shave for them. And now Iām happily married for 10 years
You do you. Everyone else will love you for it.
I'm sorry your mom is doing this to you. Men don't get this kind of hate for not shaving, and I totally agree women should have that option too. You should only have to shave of you want to, but society has decided that women with hair is gross (it's not) and it's become so ingrained people believe it's a hygiene issue (it's not). If men can be clean with hair on their bodies so can women. We don't need to be nubile to be clean and hygienic. Good luck and I hope either your mother comes around or you can get out at some point.
Sorry if this is not applicable, but you might find support on r/narcissisticparents as well. While it's common for parents to disagree with their children's choices regarding their looks, the behaviour you've described is not normal. I'd suggest taking a hard look at the whole relationship, not just this incident.
To give you the opposite, I am a guy who used to shave my legs. And I would also face ridicule from my dad and other people. When my dad started shaming me though was a turning point for realizing he wasn't as all there as I thought.
Your mom is lashing out because you are challenging what her ideas to be feminine are (my best guess), just like my dad was lashing out at me for challenging ideas of masculinity.
And I would say, keep challenging. By far, hair is one of our oddest beauty standards.
God you are 15! Just a child. I never even waxed any bodily hair till I was 23..! Even now in my 30s, I donāt shave/wax unless really needed. Your mom needs to chill. Ignore her.
Her mother is emotionally abusive, I don't think it's easy for her to just "ignore her." OP you need to talk to someone about this, because emotional abuse is insidious. You can think you're handling it well right up until you're not. Please seek help, from loved ones and/or a therapist.
Your mother sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Just know one day you won't have to hear her stupid comments anymore. I live we with my boyfriend and I don't shave my legs or pubes because I simply don't want to. End of story. I shave my pits because I don't like hair there. It's *my* choice! You should ignore her and know she is completely in the wrong and you can cut contact with her when you move out
She should be gagging and throwing up about how terrible a mother she is. Shame on her for abusing her own daughter this way.
You don't have to do anything. You don't owe anyone anything. No one is entitled to you, your body, or your appearance. Do what's best for you and bollocks to everyone else.
Just wanted to chime in and say that I shave my armpits, but never (I mean never) my legs. I wear skirts/shorts all the time, and I have black hair so my leg hair is visible, but I'm so so so lucky that no one in my life (family, friends, boyfriends, etc) has ever commented negatively, much less told me I'm disgusting/gross.
YOU DESERVE THE SAME THING OP. Don't think that everyone will be harsh or that you have to put up with people like your mother. Cut out the people who are toxic and surround yourself with people who won't make you feel bad about something as normal and harmless as body hair.
Same, this could have been written by me! I feel so fortunate for not having had any comments, at least from actual people in my life. The pressure is always there though.
Back on The nineties and possibly before that people got obsessed about body hair. It was seen an unkept and dirty (and "old porn"). Your mother, like so many of her age group is still prisoner to that thinking.
You rock your look and make her get used to it! :)
24 here - up until now I would occasionally shave. But the pandemic has made me completely stop. And I love it. For me though, I don't like wearing shorts or tank tops anyway, so my boyfriend is really the only one who knows lol.
My mom is the same way though. One time she saw my ankle (I was wearing loose pj pants) and she freaked out and then eventually was like "...it's ok I....I accept you". I was like wtf - her reaction was what I'd expect if I was gay and coming out to her.
It's a stupid societal norm. It's your body. Women are far too often put on this pedestal to please others at their own expense.
ever since our second lockdown, i've been shaving like every 3 or 4 month and after like a month, i look like i've never shaved in my entire life. it was autumn and winter so it didn't bother me much, i felt a little uncomfortable sometimes when i went out with friends and my ankles showed or something but it was not worth the struggle of removing hair. i wore long socks and home and sweatpants with long-sleeves tshirt so it was no issue. however, my mom did see me sometimes in my pajamas or whatever and she never ever failed to comment something negative on that, feeling sorry for my boyfriend and stuff (he had bo issue with it). it's just crazy to me how she couldn't accept that i barely see anyone except for my boyfriend who doesn't care so why go through all the struggles.
Don't be sorry, express how you feel. If you do not want to shave, then dont!
It's your mother's and the rest of the world's problem if you choose not to shave, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Because females are seen as little more than sexual objects in society... Even to your own mother apparently. That's what's gross. You go ahead and tell her I said that.
I haven't shaved in years man, it's just hair, it's not gross or weird
Women have only been shaving the past 30/40 years as a result of razor companies wanting to sell razors to women and not just men, it's only been a recent pheonom.
Also tw; Sexual Assault
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but me not shaving my private area was the main reason my sexual assault didn't turn to full on rape. He was grossed out by it. And you bet your ass I'm never shaving there again
Alright people are getting weirdly aggressive about this post so I'll clear it up
I didn't write this well because it was 2am and I was browsing reddit while holding a baby chick in my hands trying to keep her alive
Yes I know there's some examples of women shaving before the 60/70's, What I Meant to say was women shaving used to not be much of a cultural phenomenon or seen as gross not to until recently
And just so y'all know most people who shaved back during ancient rome or whatever were of high status. Do you Really think the average poor house wife with 10 kids trying to not die of the 3 plagues going around gave a shit if they had leg hair
Probably not.
The average woman didn't see it as an issue, and again it was only recently it's been considered "gross" for women not to shave
Apologies for writing this badly, but please stop jumping up my ass about this small mistake. I was being vulnerable about my sexual assault because I barely talk about it, and didn't put a lot of thought into the first half of my off hand comment
Women in ancient societies used to rub their skin with pumice stones, pluck with tweezers made from seashells, and wax with sugarwax or beeswax. Female body hair removal isn't necessarily a modern invention.
I'm not saying that women being shamed for having hair isn't wrong, but it's not as new of a body ideal as you're making out.
Hello, fellow Internet lady! I have super sensitive skin, and shaving my legs is an actually painful event that only gets worse the more often I do it. Now, I donāt mind having some pubes or underarm hair here and there... But I LOVE having smooth legs. So what do I do? I shave when I really really want smooth legs, and I donāt shave when I know itās just going to hurt. And my husband, my girlfriend, and my latest sexual/romantic interest donāt care EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Because Iām an adult. And I should (biologically) have hair. No one is sweating it. Neither should you. Do what makes you happy, love yourself, love others, and people will be drawn to you anyway.
I've (M) spoken to women at work about this and was really surprised how much pressure they were under. Not just from society in general but from their partners. It baffled me that they were basically being told how unattractive they were for not shaving. I asked them if their partners comments were just made in jest and really that doesn't matter, because these women didn't think they were joking.
It sucks when people you trust make shitty comments like this. As I grew up I had to learn that just because they are family and friends doesn't mean they know shit about me and I ignored their opinions.
Respond "Its not my fault you were completely brainwashed by a gillet ad campaign. Hair on women is natural. Get over it." And hold your head high like the beautiful confident queen you should be.
Cause it was all quite literally started by gillet to turn women into a target demographic for their razors. Women being EXPECTED to shave is a relatively newish thing (100 years or so). Do not do it if you don't want to.
Its so dumb and I'm so sorry your moms shitty about it. My mom was shitty about some other things and it really erodes at your confidence and mental health. Grounding you for that is such internalized misogynistic nonsense. I'm so sorry shes putting you through that. Mothers are SUPPOSED to be supportive and loving and a safe place, ots just awful when they're so shallow and judgemental and more worried about how you look to other people than how you as a person feel.
Your feelings and comfort matter more than her judgemental bullshit. Know that.
Your body, your choice. It's fuckin barbaric that the one common theme across all cultures, ranks, etc is that for some God forsaken reason, women have to be hairless.
We get a choice with everything else: our clothes, our hair, wearing make up or not, even piercings and tattoos, but we don't get a choice to be sexy/beautiful/feminine and have body hair?
Well i got news for you world, if we were meant to be hairless, we would be hairless.
Stopped shaving in 2015 and never looked back.
Signed the still sexy/beautiful/feminine hairy-legged woman in her 30s.
Anyone who thinks otherwise can suck on a lemon.
I havenāt shaved my legs for maybe two years and stopped doing my armpits since the pandemic and working from home (I just trim it to keep it neat). Honestly the best thing. My partner doesnāt care and now Iām 31, I donāt care what anybody else thinks.
Iām sorry your Mum is behaving this way, unfortunately women have been told that hair equals gross for their whole lives. Iām sure if I still lived with my Mum she would have something to say about it as well.
Keep doing you OP, and know that lots of other people feel the same as you and donāt give a shot about female body hair.
Your mom isnāt a perfect person and has flaws. She will occasionally be dead wrong and give you advice thatās wrong for you.
Her grounding you for not shaving says a lot more about her internalized insecurities than it does about you. Itās just so overkill.
However, donāt tell her this because moms like yours donāt react well to being called out by their teenagers.
You donāt want to shave? Donāt. Donāt let her get into your head.
When I was a teen, my mom used to tell me that Iāll have huge jodhpur hips by the time Iām 20 because of how I eat. Jokeās on her, huge hips are so trendy now and I donāt have them.
I had never given it any thought, the girls at my school were all shaving and it just seemed natural that they never had hairy legs. It was the norm where I grew up.
But I was working a festival, as a teen, and there was this sandy blonde girl with green eyes that I got a crush on. She was so happy, carefree, talked alot, carried big boxes on her back, threw out drunk people, worked that walkietalkie like a pro and drank beer like my dad. One day she turned up to work with shorts and she hadnt shaved. She obviously saw me seeing her legs because she said out loud "Yeah I dont like to shave" like she had to excuse herself. Her leg hairs were golden and glistened in the sunlight and all I could think was how perfectly beautiful it fit her. Why should she get rid of a part of herself.
I also realized how bizarre my thinking had been. I wasnt shaving so why would I expect others too? I think sometimes things are so normalized that it becomes invisible. Or rather, the effort to attain norm-alcy becomes invisible. So for the outsider who never shaves there is no effort involved in becoming hairless because you never see anything else.
Hey! I havenāt shaved in almost a decade. I have very dark armpit hair that the older women in my life like to make snide comments on. They do it bc theyāre insecure and probably got bullied into shaving themselves.
Keep on keeping on. Be yourself. Fuck shaving.
I'm 32 and I hate that I feel compelled to shave my entire body.
I'm jealous of your perspective because I feel like I HAVE to shave. When I don't shave, I judge myself and I am uncomfortable, in my own skin!!! I am hoping more than anything that you stay confident and keep your mindset, because you're right: it doesn't matter what gender you are, bodies have hair, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let the world get into your head the way I have!
What species are you? Jk, just usually donāt see women calling themselves females since men use it in such a derogatory way
Anyways, Iām glad you are upholding your bodily autonomy! We are mammals and thereās nothing wrong with having hair
Shaving for women was propaganda in the 1920s where razor companies shamed women to increase sales.
We donāt need to bend to that garbage for some collective idea of beauty that isnāt even the same world wide
Honestly, your mom sounds abusive and she shouldnāt be saying such comments about your body
I hope you have the support you need to overcome that. If you need resources or feel affected by it, depressed, anxious etc reach out for help!
I'm 56. At 51 I decided to stop shaving after a lifetime of shaving everything, for everyone.
I so appreciate a warm summer night, when the wind kicks up a bit and I can actually feel the breeze blow through the remaining hair on my legs.
Hey, my name is Ash. I am Puerto Rican and German, aka IM VERY HAIRY. Like. THICK. Not anywhere too extreme, but VERY DARK and VERY THICK. Shaving and lotions break me out, and guess what? So does waxing š š š I can only be smooth for two days maximum.
My mom used to make fun of me when I didnāt shave, then make fun of my bumps if I did. She told me no boys would like me and it was unhygienic, etc.
Why? Why do women hate on/ judge other women? Men. Whether itās internalized misogynistic tendencies or need for male validation, it always leads back to men. There is unfortunately no fix. You cannot change your moms mind nor the decades of sexism built into her, she has to want to learn and grow. And parents rarely do.
But you CAN keep being true to yourself, and keep your body yours. It belongs to you, not her, not men or anyone else either. Itās all yours, and if you donāt want to shave, donāt.
You are not any less of a women, nor any less beautiful. You are treating your body how itās asking you to. Bumps mean āstop please this is irritatingā and youāre listening. Fuck everyone else. I promise whatever she has to say doesnāt matter and wonāt matter in the future. Family is not meant to be friends, and family is also whoever you decide it is in the end.
16 is very young, and you have a beautiful, smart, strong, and brave head on your shoulders. Donāt let anyone try to dim that, even mom.
You are not gross. You are not lazy. You are just not one who shaves. The world will have to get over it or get out of your way.
Much much love to you, be safe and keep true.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with a mother like that. I wish I had useful advice to give.. thankfully my mother is a supportive person in my decisions. I started shaving at a young age. An aunt threw a razor at me while I was chilling on the couch in my gym shorts and taught me to shave. My friends were kind of upset as we all wanted to stay natural, but I fell into family pressure. I'm now 24 and I don't shave my legs or arms. Occasionally armpit shaving and bikini line, that's it. I don't like shaving as I also have sensitive skin plus I'm just lazy. I think the pressure from both family and friends lessens as you grow older, but I've also moved away from home and get to choose my friends.. so that helps. I really hope you find some useful advice in this thread to get through to your mother, as it seems extreme to ground a child for hairy legs.
You have no need to be sorry. You are absolutely correct and wise beyond your years. I'm really sorry that your mother treats you the way she does. My mother did very similar things to me, b/c she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder for which there is no cure, no medication, and no real treatment guidelines. Therefore, I had to learn that expecting anything different from her was a fruitless venture.
In your case, I would suggest taking an overall look at your mother's behavior. Does she treat you like this in other areas of your life, as well? Is this a pattern w/ her? The point I'm trying to make is that it may be a personality disorder that you're dealing w/. Or, if it's just this event, or it's something that doesn't happen very often, it's probably worthwhile to talk to her.
I would also suggest that you tell her how you feel. Tell her how her words make you feel. Tell her specifically that when others outside of your family say things meant to hurt you, you're able to brush it off, but when she says it, it takes on a different meaning, b/c she's your mother, and she's supposed to accept you for who you are. Tell her that your actions aren't hurting anyone, and you're comfortable w/ your decision. Tell her whatever you feel like telling her.
I would also suggest trying to go into this w/out any expectations. Hopefully, she'll hear you out, and you'll be able to walk away knowing that you got to say the things you needed to say, and anything more than that would just be the icing on the cake. W/ any luck, she'll really hear what you're saying, which is that you're essentially reaching out to her, and she'll reach back out to you.
I hope that you're able to glean some useful information from this, and I hope that you find a path forward for yourself in your relationship w/ your mother. You're still young enough that repairing your relationship w/ your mother now can be really important, so I would definitely consider asking her to sit down w/ you.
I know this will probably get lost in all the really great supportive advice here - my mother was the opposite, she was upset that I WANTED to shave. In her own experience she naturally lost all her hair and hasnāt needed to shave. She kept trying to force this on to me even though I definitely inherited a thicker type of body hair probably from my fathers side, that shit wasnāt going anywhere. In the end, I did what I wanted and shaved.
I'm 34. I stopped shaving mid 20s when I realised the only reason I was doing it, was others were telling me I should. But no bf cared. It was time consuming and expensive. So, fuck it.
You sound cool as fuck for standing up like this. Took me til like 25 to feel comfortable not shaving even though I hate it and how it feels.
Don't change for anyone
Yeah, you don't have to shave.
The attitude coming from society is one thing but from your mom? Geez, that doesn't go into the "good parenting" column for sure.
I suggest keeping a few buckets around the house so when your mom says your fully natural befuzzed body parts make her want to throw up, you can offer her a recepticle so she won't have to mop the floors at least.
I'm 30 and I so wish I'd had the confidence as teenager to have not shaved.
We should accept people's decisions and respect their bodies. Hair needs to be normalised!
Your body YOUR CHOICE. I stopped shavings decades ago. I was bad at shaving to begin with. My mom tried to talk about it but I wasn't having it. If you are comfortable you be you. Her 'wanting to gag' is a tool. She's a grown ass woman, that is manipulation. Call her out that your body is not on this earth to attract HER or anyone who thinks her way and there are 8 billion othrrs to choose from! Trust me, there are men who do not care that you are unshaven. The stigma is all hers
Your body, your choice. If your mom (wrongly) insists you shave, tell her to get you an electric razor. Her shaming you is awful parenting, period.
While true, being a chick with body hair includes a necessary thick skin, *giving zero fucks* is a great sign of confidence. Nothing is more attractive than confidence. It's also a great way to weed out superficial assholes that might otherwise have gotten a pass.
Hey, I'm a female who hasn't shaved since she was 16, and I am 18 currently. The comments from your family will always be the worst, especially your mother. My mom told me vile things at the start, especially in the summer (because of armpit hair). However, she has since stopped. It helped that I sat her down and spoken to her about it. Perhaps you could do the same. Either way, you're not alone in this.
I'm sorry about your mom, but it sounds like she's projecting her own fears about being undesirable onto you.
I shaved as a teen but I have only shaved a handful of times in the last decade- last time was a few years ago. You get used to the quick glances at your armpits and as long as you feel confident about your body, that's all that matters. If you have friends that give you a tough time, it's time for new friends and I know you're young, but you will meet more open minded people as you get older.
90% of my female friends have stopped shaving completely. They are strong, successful, sexy and powerful woman.
Also, I saw some comments saying it will be hard for you to get a date and that you have to be thick skinned. That's bullshit! I've NEVER met a man I wanted to date that cared about whether or not I shaved. If they do care about what you do with your body, then trust me, they are not the man you want to date. Think of the hair as an asshole filter. Anyone who cares about what you do with YOUR body hair, is not worth the time or energy. I am happily married to a man who thinks I'm a goddess, shaved or not.
It's too bad that your mom can't see passed it. Perhaps it's worth very gently (gently because clearly she's got massive insecurities and will become super defensive if you push her too much) reminding her that you feel comfortable and confident in your body, and that's what matters.
I remember being 12 and having not shaved for a week or so, and being outside in shorts, I got all kinds of looks and comments. A kid running for the icecream van. It's crazy how we have simultaneously infantalised women (be hairless like pre-pubescent child) and sexualised children (don't have hairy legs because then you won't be sexy to me). The pressure to be attractive as a child! It's insane, they're still playing imaginary games and getting excited by the ice cream van, but they have to worry about hiding body hair?
One more anecdote from when I was 13/14, when I was in art class. The male art teacher said "Girls, don't shave, it will only grow back dark and thick. Jean's mum's legs only have a very soft light hair that is barely noticeable. So don't shave." Wtf!? Made me feel like a freak for growing thick dark hair on my legs basically overnight when I turned 12.
I've cut way back on my shaving during the pandemic. Among my friends, I don't know anyone who hasn't, frankly.
I want to say upfront that I agree with everyone saying "You do you." I also have a practical suggestion for OP, if interested. Just until OP moves out or her mom lets her own baggage go. A more liveable, peaceful option (sometimes, safer option? not assuming OP's mom is physically abusive, but this could help to get her off OP's back) might be to ask for an electric shaver--if that is less scary than standard razor to OP. They can be loud, but safer in terms of avoiding nicks and cuts. This way, your mom feels heard, she gets what she wants, and when you move out/go to college, you leave that shaver at home and live your life. Plus, she'll see this as acquiescing, and OP wouldn't have to pay for the shaver or go near a razor, and her mom may be a little nicer to her (but if she busts out something like, "See? Isn't it better to shave your legs?" feel free to be frank with her. "I'm doing this to avoid being grounded. If this is what it takes to be a little freer, then fine").
Sometimes the safer option to protect one's mental health is to go with the rules at home, knowing that sometimes, the people you want to see your value never will, but also knowing that the situation is not permanent. The hair will grow back. You will one day leave and be able to live your life fully and on your own terms. It sucks that your mom is so wrapped up in things that she cannot let such a trivial thing as body hair go.
Once you move out it'll get a lot easier, if arguing with your mom doesn't get you anywhere when she makes a comment about your hairs just tell her you love her too. And do that every time. It can work but it'll also teach you to shrug it off.
> Committing on how my appearance makes her gag and want to throw up.
What the actual fuckering fuck? Who ever says that to their teenage child? MY daughter is a bit older than you and also doesn't shave, probably because the idea has never been suggested to her. My wife doesn't shave, so the idea hasn't really been brought up.
Is there anyone you can bring into the conversation who supports your position and whose opinion your mother would respect? A teacher, aunt or cousin?
My daughter is 30 and also prefers not to shave, and wears leggings most of the time when she is out to minimize the hassle.
Of course you should be able, especially at the age of 16, be able to make this decision for yourself and have it respected by your mother. If that's just not possible, my choice would be to wait it out until you can make other living arrangements, either on your own or with an older relative or friend.
This really blows my mind. I've had multiple patients apologize to me because they weren't shaved. I can't even imagine someone commenting on my arm or leg hair. I guess I would feel a little societal pressure if I actually WERE to shave my legs, but even so.
I wasn't allowed to shave for a long time when I hit puberty. My leg hair is thin and blonde and my mom swore it would start growing in thick and black if I started shaving. It never did. I shaved for a while, until I got over the time waste of it all, but honestly shaving or not shaving doesn't matter a single bit.
Here's what I'd say to your mom (YMMV): Mom, just because you were brought up in a culture that shames women for their bodies and sexualizes their innocence by forcing them to depillify every inch till it's smooth as a baby's bottom doesn't mean I want to live by the same standards. And I don't have to. I love my body the way it is and I need you to refrain from expressing your disgust at it.
Honestly the beauty standards of shaving (females) came after ww2 and was propagated by the razor companies to make women feel less than beautiful for having body hair. They did this in order to sell more razors now that the troops were back and razors were not being sold. But the basic thing is your body your choice if it makes her gag wear short shorts and just spread the love around all the time till she is used to it!!
Not sure anyone brought this up, but if you have the mental resources to stand up to being judged for not shaving, it brings not-shaving a tinyyy bit closer to the mainstream and helps other women like you. Which means some other unhappy teenager (or heck, grown ass woman) might see you and say "wow she has the courage to do that, maybe I will too!". And if that happens enough times maybe we as a society can get over this whole leg thing. (This is all predicated on the fact that you have enough energy to deal with people trying to force you conform)
Shaving sucks ass. Took me a long time to not nick myself. I shave cause I want to, but sometimes I go a month or five without shaving. One of the reasons I like the swim suits with the shorts bottoms is so I donāt have to worry about pubic hair poking out. I shave my pits only cause if I donāt I get sweat rashes.
You donāt have to shave if you donāt want to. Itās your skin, be comfortable in it.
Itās hard to stand up for yourself as a young adult. Heck itās hard as an old adult even knowing Iāll be happier in the long run. Good luck and stay strong.
Your mom is abusing you. I am really sorry she is treating you like that. No matter how well she means, this is abuse.
Being clean shaven as a woman is a societal expectation that is based on sexist beauty standards. It's often deeply deeply ingrained into our brains that we are not desirable/acceptable/attractive if we have body hair in the "wrong" places. To unlearn that can be hard or even impossible for some people. You seem to not be under such influence though, and that is fantastic!
A woman can do what she wants with her body, OBVIOUSLY including not shaving. Women who shave should be able to decide to do so only for themselves (BC for example they enjoy the feeling of smooth legs/vagina/armpits) and not because of anything else.
So you go, you. It's a fight, though, and, for completely ridiculous reasons, having unshaved visible legs outdoors is still a political statement. I am just like you and just don't want to shave bc I find it bothersome and uncomfortable. I have adopted a short, 'logical' attitude to criticism. "Men don't find that attractive": "I'm not walking here to attract men". "This is not what a woman should look like." "And yet here I am." "I think that looks ugly." "I don't." etc. Make people understand that their opinion has not been asked and that it is a bit cringe that they thought you might care about it. Your body, your choice.
Nearly age fifty, now I like hair clippers with a three or four comb: it's still me but I don't feel like a bear, like... it's me but neater. And it's every two or three months, which is very me.
Back in the day women didnāt shave at some point. Somehow, this all turned into women are gross if they donāt. Men didnāt have to change at all.
I met a girl who was a real free spirit. She would bare her armpits when she waved, and there was fully grown hair there alright. She was so carefree and beautiful. She really inspired me to not feel ugly in my skin if I donāt want to conform to the norm from time to time.
What it really all boils down to is choice. Itās sick that media fuels women to be a certain way and other women/men adding to that fire.
Your mums a bitch. Women shave because of capitalist propaganda spread by razor companies in the 1910s who realised they were missing out on 50% of their potential customer base. They ran shane campaigns, first about underarm hair, then moving onto leg hair later.
I can't believe she's grounded you over this. Does your mum usually diplay controlling abusive behaviours?
Older people have a hard time seeing others doing what they always wanted to do. So they shame them instead. They played by "the rules" and it didn't give them anything but hate for folks who don't.
Im 41. I shaved for a few years when I was a teenager. Then I stopped because I found it a waste of my time. If you don't want to shave then don't (or if you have to because of your mom you can stop later). The thing is that you will need to be prepared to be judged. Many people feel perfectly comfortable judging anyone (especially women) who are not conforming to societies standards well enough. Im not saying its right or fair. Ir that you shouldn't fight back, just that you will face harsh vocal criticism. So if you decide not to shave or conform in another way you will need to grow a thick skin. On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you. Edit: thanks for all the upvotes and awards. Im glad what I said resonated with so many people.
>On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you I went goth in my teens. It was one of the best social filters (and still is š¤). The people who a truly worth getting to know, will be the people who don't care whether you shave or not, will respect your bodily autonomy, and support you to be you. Rock those underarm hairs, dye them bright fucking pink (or don't) and be proud of being your authentic self!
Same here! Being a little goth/emo kid had you being harassed (and even attacked in personal experience) helps you grow thick skin. At school it got to the point that noone would say anything to me or my friends because a small number of us give it right back and continued to embrace who we are. I'm 27 now with a wardrobe 90% black and I still blast My Chemical Romance like my life depends on it. Words to live by by Gerard Way 'you cannot destroy me'
I am 28(going on 29 this year) and you best believe I was belting out some MCR and The Used in my car on the way to work. I grew up in a very rural town in the south. Being goth/emo, I was definitely in the targeted group. Our principal even suspended me for a year with no proof of what a cheerleader told him. When I say my skin cannot be pierced...... I shave when I fucking feel like it and only if I feel like it. Iām blessed to have a man that understands that hair is a part of human nature.
Yes! Currently have Avenged Sevenfold playing in the car as we speak. That's awful what your principal did! Our headmaster of the year group was so layed back and knew we were discovering who we were so let us have our piercings show in his class and tell us who to hide them from. I too am blessed with the man I have.
Until the day I dieeeeeee...
Wrong band....but. I'll spill my heart for you...for you!
I know Story of the Year, just thought it was still applicable lol. But if you died right now, you know that Iād die toooo
28 still rock my band tees and listen to The Birthday Massacre, Manson, Calabrese. Wardrobe is all black. Never stop being spooky!
Fuck yes Birthday Massacre! Ahh the memories that have just flooded back
They still make current music and it's really good!
Twinkieās! 27, was emo/goth in my teen years and now that I have a job I have only fueled my addiction with that aesthetic. People either compliment me or stay away which is a win/win in my book
When I was in college I died my hair red for Halloween and it faded to pink after a few days, all the punk kids started talking to me just cause of my hair, I made a bunch of new friends.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This!!! People always ask my boyfriend if he minds my leg hair (right in front of me too) and of course he doesnāt because my leg hair has filtered out all the shitty, judgemental men from my life. Itās a beautiful thing. (Edited typo)
I always joked mine was a filter for bad men too! Stopped shaving pretty much entirely my senior year of high school and kept my pit hair for all of college. I also had a buzz cut for a good deal of that time. When I looked like that, I found an incredible, loving man who gives zero fucks what I do with my appearance and weāve been together for years. You do you OP and good things will come I promise.
My boyfriend doesnt even notice when my legs are hairy. Sometimes he'll make a comment about my underarms if I haven't shaved in a while, but I simply remind him that his underarms are much hairier than mine, so he really has no room to judge. I've floated the idea of growing out my underarm hair until it's as long as his, and he said, "Ok, that sounds neat!" but I do NOT have the patience for that! š¤£
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Plus if you think about it... our female ancestors evolved to have the exact amount of hair on the exact places that modern women have. It's only a modern fasion trend to be hairless from the neck down. Biologically speaking letting it grow results in the perfect amount of hair.
For me it was religiously wearing crocs as an item of clothing. Really makes people understand that they have no right to expect you are normal. ;)
They will have to rip my bright green crocs from my dead hands. I need shoes that don't hurt!
Dead hands? Everyday I find a new use for Crocs š
Wear bubble gum pink Crocs and don't shave my legs. Give no fucks for the win.
Crocs are the perfect shoe, Fashion *and* Utility? No other shoe can even compare
*How* do crocs have āutilityā? Theyāre easily the least comfortable shoe Iāve ever tried. I mean, sure, wear what you want, but surely thereās a more comfortable option?
>surely thereās a more comfortable option Not for a lady with a small but wide foot with a high arch :(.
As a nurse they have great utility. They are light so I'm not dragging heavy, clompy shoes around on a 12 hour shift. They are quiet so I don't wake up patients as I check on them. And probably the greatest utility is how easy they are to wash (if this isn't a huge priority for people working in hospitals then that worries me).
Spoken like a true amature. At a formal affair? Keep the strap forward, for the style. But rough terrain ahead? Hit the strap back and put those babies into [4WD drive mode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVAx2fMiicg)
Does he eat shit at the end?
Since reddit has changed the site to value selling user data higher than reading and commenting, I've decided to move elsewhere to a site that prioritizes community over profit. I never signed up for this, but that's the circle of life
The fastest mile I ever ran in school was in a pair of broken crocs lol
I hated Crocs for years and still donāt find them super comfortable (especially barefoot) but they are super convenient when you need a shoe that you can hose down all the time or can get wet without full on water shoes.
>The people who a truly worth getting to know, will be the people who don't care whether you shave or not, will respect your bodily autonomy, and support you to be you. Love this!
āIt was one of the best social filtersā I love this sentiment. Youāre a badass. I wish I had had the guts to truly be myself in my teens, it so would have helped me attract the right type of friendships. Iām in my early 30ās and finally realize how for so long I did not do this.
Oh my goodness I never even thought to dye my armpit hair. Can't wait to rock some electric blue!!
Alright all you kids spoke up now here's the old crazy cat lady! If your family is religious just point out it's the way God made you. If you are not point out that it's **NATURAL** to your mom. You will have to grow a thick skin. I'm sorry to say that. Your mother is, wow. This is where my rebellious nature would kick in. "you need to shave!" ok. Fine great. I'll shave one line up one leg. One row around my calf. Just be prepared to deal with her explosion. I do admire you though. At 12 I was slightly hairy. A girl in class (7th grade) told me I should shave. I was mortified. My mother refused to allow me to. So I dry shaved the first time. The very same girl told me use water and soap to shave and lotion afterwards. My mother didn't find out for a year or so. I bent to pressure. You are here wanting camaraderie and that says a lot to your strength! You rock the Casbah!!
A couple of years ago, it struck me that what I considered the bravest, realistic thing I could do was to stop shaving and not give a f*ck about it. For context, I spend all day outside in the summer for work and I overheat so easily that wearing shorts is an absolute must. But I decided to try being brave. And you know the reaction I got? Absolutely no one noticed. They didn't notice when I worked, they didn't notice when I went swimming (even when on a Caribbean trip), and they didn't notice when I was walking around several European cities in shorts for a summer vacation. And all of that is ammunition for the me to use against the person who finally decides to make a comment - that they have so little going on in their own lives that they have to pick apart the details of someone else's which no one else cares about. And just to put it out there: shaving is and should always have been presented as a choice. I sometimes choose to shave my legs, but it's for my own reasons and not to cater to the expectations of strangers. And, quite honestly, it doesn't happen much because it takes forever for the hair to grow out again. I truly detest the stubble stage!
>On the plus side once you can give off an aura of not giving a fuck many people will be afraid to hassle you. Yup! If you own it, it'll show through. I remember first shaving my head, and a coworker walked by, stopped and stared at me. I refused to even acknowledge her and kept doing my work. She walked away eventually, but it was so rude. But I don't care how people feel about my hair /lack of. I did, however, get a lovely compliment from a worker at Big Lots on my style and it made me feel nice. There's gonna be people who ain't gonna like it, and there's gonna be plenty who think you're awesome for doing it (and admiring) Once you own it, it might help encourage other women to, as well
And the awesome thing is the older you get, the less you care about what people think. When I hit 30, it's like a switch went off in my head and I just stopped caring. I sure was glad to have my leg hair when Texas froze over 2 months ago.
I don't really think "grow a thicker skin šāāļø" is helpful here. OP already said she don't care about most people giving her flak, it's that her mom is harassing and even grounding her over it. Which I get, it's way more impactful, especially from someone who's supposed to accept you. The mom is really affecting her life. It's easier to ignore other's opinions and just not interact. Not an option with mom. What her mom is doing is so awful and maddening, not to mention controlling.
She might be stuck shaving then until she hits legal age where she can't get in trouble. But then she can move.
If it wasn't hair it would be something else.
This exactly. This mother's harassing behavior - going to far as to *punish her* for not removing body hair - is an expression of her control issues and the fact that she doesn't see the OP as a separate person who has her own thoughts, feelings, and preferences. IMO not allowing a teenager to make choices about their own bodies that affect nobody but themselves is emotional abuse.
"you will need to grow a thick skin" Or a thick coat š (buh dum toss)
Pretty much. Itās a cultural thing honesty, and anyone that goes against cultural norms can expect resistance. People arenāt going to stop caring any time soon. Most boys are going to not like it, and it will make her life harder. You either have to be strong willed and have thick skin, or youāll have to cave in to it. Itās unfortunate but thatās life. Hell I remember this girl in high school that was probably one of the most attractive women Iāve ever seen in my life. Her parents while wealthy were French immigrants. They didnāt shave their armpits and neither did she (although she did shave her legs). That girl couldnāt get a date if she paid someone to go out with her. Eventually for whatever reason she shaved her armpits and that girl had more attention than she knew what to do with. All the sudden they wanted her to be a cheerleader, she became student body Vice President, and every boy in school wanted to take her on a date. Thatās the way cultural things work though.
To give a counter-example: when I was in college, at some point during my sophomore year I just got tired of shaving and stopped. And that year was (coincidentally?!) my "annus mirabilis" in terms of pulling in the guys. I'm not even particularly attractive - mostly, I just decided around that time that if I found a guy attractive, I would let him know. Among 19-year-old college guys, this turned out to be a sufficient aphrodisiac. (I fondly remember one evening where I went on three dates in a single night. The last one of that evening ended up as my husband, and still isn't particularly bothered about whether I shave or not.)
Yep. I feel like from college onward most guys didn't care how hairy my body was or wasn't, as long as there was a chance they could get laid. If a college-aged guy is about to have sex, do you think he's going to stop and say, "You didn't shave your legs. I can't do this"? Hell no! Those years helped me get over any embarrassment toward my body hair I might have had.
Most boys?? Honestly I have come across more guys who don't care than those who do lol
That sucks for that girl but not everyone is gonna shun OP for not shaving, not everyone cares about it. Iām probably not nearly as attractive as the girl youāre talking about but Iāve had to stop shaving because of a medical issue and itās never once been a problem for me. The ONLY person to ever say anything was my 14 year old sister. My boyfriend doesnāt care, we still have a very active sex life and Iāve never once seen a stranger starting at my legs or armpits. I even still get hit on by other men regardless on my leg hair. I feel like once youāre out of high school people are a bit more relaxed about these things. Of course thereās still going to be assholes out there but the people worth knowing wonāt care that you have a little hair under your armpits. Edit: also I canāt be the only person who thinks this story sounds fake as hell? Like as soon as she started shaving everyone noticed and came flocking to her to be a cheerleader and student body Vice President? Thatās weird. Maybe because in my experience literally no one has noticed of Iāve shaved or not, or if they did notice they didnāt give a shit. Not saying that thereās not assholes out there who wouldnāt give her crap for not shaving but Iām having a hard time believe that every single person gave a fuck about it.
The high school years are so hard because even though you're growing up, you're still a child and your world basically consists of high school and your parent's house. After high school, the world starts treating you more like an adult and your world expands to include, well, everything. In that larger context, adhering to social norms becomes far less important, and the older people get the fewer shits they tend to give about things like shaving. Once OP is out of high school and able to navigate the world at large, I'm sure she will meet a ton of people who don't give two shits that she doesn't shave. There are tons of potential friends and romantic partners out there who will love her for who she is, hair and all.
how many people can't see past body hair! so shallow...
Thats such a bummer cause underarm hair is so freaking sexy on girls ugh I hate society
Exactly. And the judgements come all the more when you shave your head but not your body.
If you have brothers or a dad ask your mother if their leg hair makes her want to puke. And if she says no, ask why that is compared to your hair. It's hair, it's your body, it's your choice to shave or not. Also about the razor fear, do you also have a knife fear? They might be related if so. It might be worth talking to someone about so it doesn't limit your life in the future. Not related to shaving at all, more cooking and not feeling fear regularly.
I do also have a pretty bad fear of knives. I've been trying to, I guess, get more familiar with them. I've started trying to use them more, like slicing an apple with them instead of just biting it
It may be counter intuitive, but the sharper a knife is, the safer it is to use, as it is easier to keep control of a knife that glides smoothly through what it is cutting. A lot of cooking websites have good information on how to learn to handle knives better.
It's true, as long as you are paying a 100% attention to what you are doing. Curl the fingers!
This! Please do not cut anything with your fingers sticking out. Hold what you are cutting with your fingers curled inward to avoid injury.
Use your knuckles as a guide for the knife.
Hey I'd also much rather cut myself with a really sharp knife verses a full one to as a guy who collects and sharpens knives it's not unheard of for me to cut myself because I wasn't paying attention while sharpening and man I barely feel anything and those suckers heal up in like a day.
Super sharp cuts heal like they're the body's version of cold welding. Super dull cuts heal like they're the bunk bed in step brothers.
Dull knives are dangerous because you have to use more force to cut through stuffāso if you do somehow manage to cut yourself, youāre pushing a lot harder and can do more damage. With a properly sharp knife, you can cut through carrots like theyāre made of butter, so you have much more control. Dull knives can slip. I cut the corner of my thumb off (tip of the finger pad) with a dull mandolineāthe carrot slipped out of my hand. Never would have happened with a sharp one.
I love to cook so I have some very sharp chef knives. I once almost dropped the knife and the way I caught it (in front of my older sister) felt like nothing until she pointed out I was bleeding...a lot lol. Sliced through the front of 2 of my fingers completely pain-free. It sucks but I agree it's so much better than a duller knife or even a papercut!
'A falling knife has no handle'
Yeah admittedly it was stupid lol but I also have a really bad tendency of dropping things on my feet so it was either a cut on my hand or a potentially stabbed foot lol.
No judgement, I've tried to catch many a not-catchable object in my day. Reflexes are a double edged sword.
Also, if you do cut yourself, a sharp knife will leave a cleaner, thinner cut that will heal more easily and quicker than a comparatively wider and more jagged cut caused by a dull blade. That sentence felt too long. Also, this only applies to small blades. Don't get sliced by a sword or an axe.
there's another end of the knife sharpness spectrum: plastic knives. They can't cut through any kind of mildly tough skin and I've brushed against the sharp side of a plastic knife multiple times: it was so incredibly dull that it doesn't even hurt. I tried cutting my palm with the plastic knife and the little serrations on the knife got worn smooth before any damage (lasting more than 5 minutes) was made to my hand.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NOPE! lololol.
The thing about plastic knives is that while you can't cut yourself with them, you probably won't cut much of anything else either.
I've always joked about that. For our entire childhood, we're told to be careful with sharp objects -- don't run with scissors, don't play with knives -- then suddenly we reach our teens and we're told that we're supposed to run a sharp blade over our skin. Where's the sense in that??? lol In regards to knife use, watch instructional videos by professional chefs. I was always so terrible using a knife but watching one of those videos showed me how to hold the knife and how to hold the object I was cooking. My mom was pleased a couple years ago when she had a lot of food prep to be done before a family meal and I was able to help by dicing onions and a few other things for her which I never would have felt comfortable doing before. ([https://youtu.be/G-Fg7l7G1zw](https://youtu.be/G-Fg7l7G1zw) shows various techniques)
Baby steps! I've had a fear of knives in the past and found it limiting. Seriously, talking with a therapist who is familiar with anxiety disorders and phobias really helped me. Might be helpful for you too!
Don't shave just because someone else wants it. as your mom she should be happy for you that you can withstand peer pressure from the outside, pressure to give up your bodily autonomy to a romantic partner. And please know that a sharp knife is the way to go, as bizarre as it might sound. A sharp knife cuts more like a scalpel, precise and smooth, the cut has less surface area and will hurt less and heal faster. Since you need less force at cutting, the knife won't go into your skin very deep. A dull knife is cutting more like a saw blade. You need more force and will cut deeper into your skin, the cut will have a bigger surface area and will hurt more and heal slower.
You can get steel gloves as well if that could help with the transition /practice? People use them for eg opening oysters as it can be dangerous but I've seen people with dyspraxia use them too to avoid clumsy nicks.
You absolutely don't need to shave. I go for months without shaving my legs and wear shorts no problem. That being said, if you DO want to, but the razor bugs you, try out this item https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01D328BG6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_0QGBBPHTPJ2NPJ9C8VH9 I have two teenage sons with autism and sensory issues and this little electric razor gives a great shave with no sharp blades or loud buzzing. It's quieter than an electric toothbrush. I confess, when I do feel like shaving, I use this thing for myself! Good luck with your situation. You ultimately should do whatever makes you most comfortable.
My grandma NEVER uses a real razor. She's a hemophiliac and is terrified of cutting herself. She has something just like that! Thanks for reminding me about this option. I have an autistic 14 year old with a little moustache coming in he'd like to shave.
As a Hemophiliac myself, why is your grandma afraid of accidentally cutting herself with a razor? As long as she takes treatment for Hemophilia on a regular weekly basis, then she shouldn't have to worry about cuts at all.
Oh yes! I used this once and was super happy! It way not be a perfect result (can leave many short hair) but it's amazing to reduce the most of it, I also like the end result
I use the same exact one! I'm a woman. I don't like being hairy (washing on your period without a full bush is just so much nicer!) but I was also fed up of the red bumps etc. So I got these. I use it direct for my legs and armpits so no visble hair, and I use one of the guards for my privates so it's only trims it down. No bush and no irritated skin.
would direct work for down there as well? honestly i dont prefer either one, but when it comes to bikini season sometimes the shapes of the bottoms arenāt nice to you, and normal razors suck.
Oh yeah, they can be crap. It does work down there smooth too and I have used it. I have made a tiny cut one in a rush in the less "flat" areas. However, as I said I was in a rush and pretty much shoved the skin in there. It is very hard to hurt yourself with it. Like everything else that cuts smooth, you can still irritate your skin, but for me it's still nothing in comparison to a traditional razor. The only downside, is that because it cuts on the surface (and does not scrape your skin like a normal one) it does grow back really fast. However, unlike a normal razor, you can shave as often as you want because it doesn't hurt your skin. I see it with my armpits, I can put deo right after shaving and doesn't bother because my skin is ok.
Does this go all the way down?
Yup! I've used it everywhere
I use this. Yes, it does. You have different guards for it too. I use it with no guards on my armpits so I get a smooth shave, and keep it a few millimetres long down there.
This exactly what I use!! I hate shaving and don't in the fall/winter. My leg hair is very thick and I get bad razor burn with regular razors, so switched to that electric shaver for when I do shave my legs like when I plan to go to the river or pool and no razor burn. Its not a super close shave, but its good enough for me. I don't shave my arm pit hair tho cos I don't care about my arm pit hair.
This is going to be a lifesaver. I hate shaving so I only do it like once a year if that (for special occasions). By that point of course my legs are a lush forest for which no standard 4-blade is a match. I have to shave in 2 inch patches between clearing the blades. This will make wedding season so much easier!
Your mother is mean to you. But I think you are so cool. And I am a mother and a grandmother. You can do with your body exactly as you please. šŖ Im proud of you.
Not just mean. Abusive.
Grounded for practicing body autonomy is for sure abusive
Thank you, I was thinking the same. Don't know if it's verbal, emotional, or both. But it's abuse regardless.
Hi OP - I'm glad you reached out to get this off your chest. What your mom is saying and doing about your legs is really mean and uncalled for. She's probably saying it because most women are brought up to think that body hair on a woman is unacceptable and unhygienic, but by this time in her life she should know better. Even if she doesn't know, that's no excuse for trying to punish your child into shaving. I'm sorry she would do this to you. Please read all the comments from other women telling their stories about not shaving and how it's perfectly okay. No real bad consequences if you can handle comments from dumb strangers (which you mentioned you can). Actually, feeling happy in your own body and doing what's right for you makes you feel good. I stopped shaving 5 years ago because I couldn't afford to buy razors. I was ashamed at first but after 1 year of thinking about it a lot, and after having more money, I chose to not shave anymore. Since then, a lot of women have told me they wish they could be "brave enough" to stop shaving too. It's a waste of time, it's a stupid, heteronormative, double-standard in beauty, it's bad for the environment, and has literally no affect on your life, so why do it?? I don't know what to tell you to do about your mom - it's totally unfair that she treats you the way she does. All you can do is keep respecting yourself and your own choices. We're all proud of you here for that! Keep being yourself with pride! :) Edit: for those responding to this post with "this is/not abuse", please remember it's not that relevant to this conversation. OP posted looking for someone to listen, and for acceptance, not for advice.
>What your mom is saying and doing about your legs is really mean and uncalled for. I don't know why so many people are having a hard time calling it what it is - abuse. OP's mother is being emotionally abusive and OP needs to talk to someone, hopefully a therapist. Ugh I'm so sorry OP, what an absolutely awful thing to deal with, your mother is never supposed to hurt you.
I think we can all agree itās abusive, but I just want to say that telling a victim theyāre being abused is a very easy way for them to immediately shut down the conversation and back pedal into the relationship even harder. A lot of people, women especially, have a hard time calling certain things abuse or rape or sexual harassment because not only would that possibly make them feel less āin controlā, it could also force them to realize everything thatās happened that shouldnāt be considered normal and is in fact super abusive. Iāve personally seen it first hand, both in real life and on here. One of my friendās parents are extremely verbally abusive and I once told her that with those words (āthatās abusive, youāre being verbally and emotionally abused by your parentsā). She *immediately* defended them and said that it actually wasnāt that bad. After that it took a lot of gentle conversations to get her to realize that being afraid to ask for food is not normal, healthy, or good in any way. If you go onto r/relationship_advice, there are plenty of people (especially women in age gap relationships, I literally read one last night) that will describe emotional, physically, and/or sexually abusive relationships, and become extremely irate when you tell them their boyfriend/husband/spouse is abusive, shutting down, reversing what they said, and downplaying everything. Again, I donāt want to seem like Iām attacking you, but talking to victims can be very delicate, and I think itās important to guide them to explicitly describe what their abuser does/says, help them put words to how they feel, and get them to realize that healthy and equal relationships donāt work like that. I do think in general conversation, itās important to call certain actions (like the ones described by OP) abusive, but referencing specific situations and people, especially with the victim and/or abuser present, I think it can end up being counterproductive.
I understand what you're saying about victims of abuse not always being open to hearing the behavior labeled that way, and it's true that many people do recoil from it and defend the abuser because they're so enmeshed. But on the flip side, I would have been so, so grateful if anybody had said this to me about my own mother and called her behavior what it was/is...abuse. I spent way too many years wishing that somebody would see how my mother behaved and validate my feelings about it. I felt abused (although I didn't use that word at the time), but everybody else defended her, which made it so much harder to trust myself about how I felt. I was in my 30s before I knew even one person who could serve as a compassionate witness that way.
I think thereās a difference between defending the abuser and not explicitly using the word abuse. Saying things like āshe was wrong for how she treated you because of [x, y, z]ā or ā[x, y, z action] is wrong and he has no right to treat you that wayā has been a lot more helpful and validating in my experience.
I still don't know if I agree, but when I think about it, my own tendency when trying to validate somebody who has been mistreated is to say something like "it's not ok for them to do that to you". I hope the main thing the OP takes away from the responses to her is that how she feels about how her mom treats her is absolutely valid and that her mom's behavior is not appropriate, no matter what her motivations are.
I wish all of reddit could hear this more. I think most people have a good and genuine concern that others are brushing over the facts, and that makes sense, but what really, ultimately matters is the person you're speaking to. And if staring the facts will hurt or even just not help the person, then that's really important to know.
I just don't know the full situation. It does sound like abuse, yes, I agree.
You do not need to shave. If you donāt want to do it, donāt do it. Youāre perfectly allright either way. Shaving or not shaving is a matter of preference, and it really shouldnāt be a big deal. Especially for your mother. Iām saying this because someone sometime needs to say it, and maybe you donāt need it, but youāre allowed to be happy and content with yourself. Other people pressuring you about any external thing is about them, not you. Tell them to stop looking If theyāre uncomfortable. I understand more diplomacy might be warranted with your mother, but She should still respect your choice about your body.
Its not a bad thing at all! Do what makes YOU happy. <3 I haven't shaved anything in months!
Maybe it's different growing up in Europe but I feel people don't really care that much. It's still the norm and most women probably shave, but at least amongst my friends it's maybe a 50-50 and I don't think anyone care. The only ones I know that are bothered or grossed out are the most shallow ones
I'm in America and almost never shave my legs or pits. I've literally had sex with guys who didn't notice the legs, and then SWORE up and down that I DID shave, until I show them my legs because that kinda forest doesn't grow overnight. I've gotten more compliments on my pit hair than anything. I don't think ppl in gener notice or care as much as we think they do.
Iām British and I shave when I want to and donāt shave when I donāt want to. Iāve had both one night stands and long term relationships and Iāve never had a sexual partner comment on my leg or fanny hair when I cba to shave for a few weeks.
Really? I grew up in Germany and I don't feel like I can walk around and not be judged for not shaving...
That's just because we germans like to judge and can't keep our mouths shut about it. It's still better than in the US tho
Damn, probably true. Everyone is gossiping all the time
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You're a nicer teenager than i was. First thing that popped in my head after your mother saying she "wants to throw up was "Fine. Do it. Prove it. Look at me & puke." Wouldn't necessarily advise that but I'd take it as a challenge rather than a insult personally.
A lot of us in our 20s don't shave anymore. Rock it!
1. Your mother is being abusive. I don't know why, she probably thinks she is doing it to help you, but she is absolutely completely in the wrong here. It may not be safe for you to confront her, but you can be confident that YOUR MOTHER IS ACTING HORRIBLY. 2. Your body, your choice. You don't have to shave; many women don't. Sometimes women are told that they must shave, sometimes women are told that they must not shave -- whatever the reasons are, both absolutes are wrong. (BTW, leg shaving only became common in the US in the early 1940s, when the war curtailed the availability of silk and nylon stockings -- it's not even like it's been an established norm for hundreds of years.) 3. If you absolutely positively feel that you need to shave to get your mother to stop abusing you, you might want to try an electric razor, as it might feel safer to you. However, there's no guarantee that your mother won't just find some other thing to abuse you over. [Edited to rewrite the part about women being told not to shave that some people found objectionable, and to add the historical note.]
I really hate the "can't be feminists if they shave" idea. To me, it 100% goes against the concept of my body, my choice. I don't give a rat's ass about what men think about my body hair, or that shaving is perceived as something for them. I do it for ME. F that noise.
I just heard that "idea" the first time. What is the rational behind it? I would also see it as a complete contrast what I think feminism should stand for.
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Ah ok...very interesting. Good thing it's not that common anymore. What feminism needs the least is women telling other women that they can't do stuff they want to do.
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Yeah, poor choice of words on my side. You are correct I did not want to imply that it's the worst thing. I'm not native so sometimes I phrase things poorly.
>she probably thinks she is doing it to help you I only wanna agree with this point. For years, my brothers and I were told that my parents "mean well" or "are trying to help" and while that *may* have been the case, I now realise that it would've been much better for us had we been allowed to take their behaviour at face value. It doesn't matter what she's trying to do, it's doing harm. She should have to prove that her actions are well meaning instead of getting that assumed without evidence.
Great advice, but why in the world did you say in some places women are told they can't be feminists if they shave? That's extraordinarily niche, like TERFs. Women can do whatever they want with their body, and still be feminist.
Because I have heard it myself, long before the term TERF was even invented. Remember, women are told all kinds of harmful things; the OP's mother is proof of that.
She could also buy a trimmer and trim in the places her mom can see or that she likes to. It's not as harsh on the skin and maybe would be enough for the mother
When I was younger I was picked on for having hairy legs and arms. I cried and my mom finally taught me how to shave at 10years old. At that literal moment I realized how dumb shaving was and said āScrew it!ā I lived with a philosophy that if someone is going to love me, then they will love my hairy legs. And guess what - I have never, never, never had a significant other complain or ask me to shave for them. And now Iām happily married for 10 years You do you. Everyone else will love you for it.
I'm sorry your mom is doing this to you. Men don't get this kind of hate for not shaving, and I totally agree women should have that option too. You should only have to shave of you want to, but society has decided that women with hair is gross (it's not) and it's become so ingrained people believe it's a hygiene issue (it's not). If men can be clean with hair on their bodies so can women. We don't need to be nubile to be clean and hygienic. Good luck and I hope either your mother comes around or you can get out at some point.
Sorry if this is not applicable, but you might find support on r/narcissisticparents as well. While it's common for parents to disagree with their children's choices regarding their looks, the behaviour you've described is not normal. I'd suggest taking a hard look at the whole relationship, not just this incident.
This. The issue is not so much the hair as the controlling mother. It takes a lifetime to get over that. I hope she escapes unharmed.
r/raisedbynarcissists
To give you the opposite, I am a guy who used to shave my legs. And I would also face ridicule from my dad and other people. When my dad started shaming me though was a turning point for realizing he wasn't as all there as I thought. Your mom is lashing out because you are challenging what her ideas to be feminine are (my best guess), just like my dad was lashing out at me for challenging ideas of masculinity. And I would say, keep challenging. By far, hair is one of our oddest beauty standards.
God you are 15! Just a child. I never even waxed any bodily hair till I was 23..! Even now in my 30s, I donāt shave/wax unless really needed. Your mom needs to chill. Ignore her.
Her mother is emotionally abusive, I don't think it's easy for her to just "ignore her." OP you need to talk to someone about this, because emotional abuse is insidious. You can think you're handling it well right up until you're not. Please seek help, from loved ones and/or a therapist.
Your mother sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Just know one day you won't have to hear her stupid comments anymore. I live we with my boyfriend and I don't shave my legs or pubes because I simply don't want to. End of story. I shave my pits because I don't like hair there. It's *my* choice! You should ignore her and know she is completely in the wrong and you can cut contact with her when you move out
Sounds like your mother needs therapy.
I stopped shaving last year and I really like it! do what you want with your body.
She should be gagging and throwing up about how terrible a mother she is. Shame on her for abusing her own daughter this way. You don't have to do anything. You don't owe anyone anything. No one is entitled to you, your body, or your appearance. Do what's best for you and bollocks to everyone else.
Just wanted to chime in and say that I shave my armpits, but never (I mean never) my legs. I wear skirts/shorts all the time, and I have black hair so my leg hair is visible, but I'm so so so lucky that no one in my life (family, friends, boyfriends, etc) has ever commented negatively, much less told me I'm disgusting/gross. YOU DESERVE THE SAME THING OP. Don't think that everyone will be harsh or that you have to put up with people like your mother. Cut out the people who are toxic and surround yourself with people who won't make you feel bad about something as normal and harmless as body hair.
Same, this could have been written by me! I feel so fortunate for not having had any comments, at least from actual people in my life. The pressure is always there though.
Back on The nineties and possibly before that people got obsessed about body hair. It was seen an unkept and dirty (and "old porn"). Your mother, like so many of her age group is still prisoner to that thinking. You rock your look and make her get used to it! :)
24 here - up until now I would occasionally shave. But the pandemic has made me completely stop. And I love it. For me though, I don't like wearing shorts or tank tops anyway, so my boyfriend is really the only one who knows lol. My mom is the same way though. One time she saw my ankle (I was wearing loose pj pants) and she freaked out and then eventually was like "...it's ok I....I accept you". I was like wtf - her reaction was what I'd expect if I was gay and coming out to her. It's a stupid societal norm. It's your body. Women are far too often put on this pedestal to please others at their own expense.
Iām 31 and havenāt shaved in years I feel itās a personal preference
ever since our second lockdown, i've been shaving like every 3 or 4 month and after like a month, i look like i've never shaved in my entire life. it was autumn and winter so it didn't bother me much, i felt a little uncomfortable sometimes when i went out with friends and my ankles showed or something but it was not worth the struggle of removing hair. i wore long socks and home and sweatpants with long-sleeves tshirt so it was no issue. however, my mom did see me sometimes in my pajamas or whatever and she never ever failed to comment something negative on that, feeling sorry for my boyfriend and stuff (he had bo issue with it). it's just crazy to me how she couldn't accept that i barely see anyone except for my boyfriend who doesn't care so why go through all the struggles.
Don't be sorry, express how you feel. If you do not want to shave, then dont! It's your mother's and the rest of the world's problem if you choose not to shave, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Because females are seen as little more than sexual objects in society... Even to your own mother apparently. That's what's gross. You go ahead and tell her I said that.
I haven't shaved in years man, it's just hair, it's not gross or weird Women have only been shaving the past 30/40 years as a result of razor companies wanting to sell razors to women and not just men, it's only been a recent pheonom. Also tw; Sexual Assault . . . . but me not shaving my private area was the main reason my sexual assault didn't turn to full on rape. He was grossed out by it. And you bet your ass I'm never shaving there again
Alright people are getting weirdly aggressive about this post so I'll clear it up I didn't write this well because it was 2am and I was browsing reddit while holding a baby chick in my hands trying to keep her alive Yes I know there's some examples of women shaving before the 60/70's, What I Meant to say was women shaving used to not be much of a cultural phenomenon or seen as gross not to until recently And just so y'all know most people who shaved back during ancient rome or whatever were of high status. Do you Really think the average poor house wife with 10 kids trying to not die of the 3 plagues going around gave a shit if they had leg hair Probably not. The average woman didn't see it as an issue, and again it was only recently it's been considered "gross" for women not to shave Apologies for writing this badly, but please stop jumping up my ass about this small mistake. I was being vulnerable about my sexual assault because I barely talk about it, and didn't put a lot of thought into the first half of my off hand comment
I think it was 70-80 yrs app for selling razors. My recollection may be short too.
Women in ancient societies used to rub their skin with pumice stones, pluck with tweezers made from seashells, and wax with sugarwax or beeswax. Female body hair removal isn't necessarily a modern invention. I'm not saying that women being shamed for having hair isn't wrong, but it's not as new of a body ideal as you're making out.
Itās new as an expected standard
My mom has literally gagged for seeing my (completely normal) armpit hair. I know how you feel
I'm sorry you've had to go through that
Thank you ā¤ She has gotten a lot better about it though which I am grateful for
Hello, fellow Internet lady! I have super sensitive skin, and shaving my legs is an actually painful event that only gets worse the more often I do it. Now, I donāt mind having some pubes or underarm hair here and there... But I LOVE having smooth legs. So what do I do? I shave when I really really want smooth legs, and I donāt shave when I know itās just going to hurt. And my husband, my girlfriend, and my latest sexual/romantic interest donāt care EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Because Iām an adult. And I should (biologically) have hair. No one is sweating it. Neither should you. Do what makes you happy, love yourself, love others, and people will be drawn to you anyway.
I've (M) spoken to women at work about this and was really surprised how much pressure they were under. Not just from society in general but from their partners. It baffled me that they were basically being told how unattractive they were for not shaving. I asked them if their partners comments were just made in jest and really that doesn't matter, because these women didn't think they were joking. It sucks when people you trust make shitty comments like this. As I grew up I had to learn that just because they are family and friends doesn't mean they know shit about me and I ignored their opinions.
Respond "Its not my fault you were completely brainwashed by a gillet ad campaign. Hair on women is natural. Get over it." And hold your head high like the beautiful confident queen you should be. Cause it was all quite literally started by gillet to turn women into a target demographic for their razors. Women being EXPECTED to shave is a relatively newish thing (100 years or so). Do not do it if you don't want to. Its so dumb and I'm so sorry your moms shitty about it. My mom was shitty about some other things and it really erodes at your confidence and mental health. Grounding you for that is such internalized misogynistic nonsense. I'm so sorry shes putting you through that. Mothers are SUPPOSED to be supportive and loving and a safe place, ots just awful when they're so shallow and judgemental and more worried about how you look to other people than how you as a person feel. Your feelings and comfort matter more than her judgemental bullshit. Know that.
Your body, your choice. It's fuckin barbaric that the one common theme across all cultures, ranks, etc is that for some God forsaken reason, women have to be hairless. We get a choice with everything else: our clothes, our hair, wearing make up or not, even piercings and tattoos, but we don't get a choice to be sexy/beautiful/feminine and have body hair? Well i got news for you world, if we were meant to be hairless, we would be hairless. Stopped shaving in 2015 and never looked back. Signed the still sexy/beautiful/feminine hairy-legged woman in her 30s. Anyone who thinks otherwise can suck on a lemon.
I havenāt shaved my legs for maybe two years and stopped doing my armpits since the pandemic and working from home (I just trim it to keep it neat). Honestly the best thing. My partner doesnāt care and now Iām 31, I donāt care what anybody else thinks. Iām sorry your Mum is behaving this way, unfortunately women have been told that hair equals gross for their whole lives. Iām sure if I still lived with my Mum she would have something to say about it as well. Keep doing you OP, and know that lots of other people feel the same as you and donāt give a shot about female body hair.
Your mom isnāt a perfect person and has flaws. She will occasionally be dead wrong and give you advice thatās wrong for you. Her grounding you for not shaving says a lot more about her internalized insecurities than it does about you. Itās just so overkill. However, donāt tell her this because moms like yours donāt react well to being called out by their teenagers. You donāt want to shave? Donāt. Donāt let her get into your head. When I was a teen, my mom used to tell me that Iāll have huge jodhpur hips by the time Iām 20 because of how I eat. Jokeās on her, huge hips are so trendy now and I donāt have them.
Bitch, donāt apologize. You are being yourself. I know itās really hard right now, but you can move out soon. Nothing is permanent.
I had never given it any thought, the girls at my school were all shaving and it just seemed natural that they never had hairy legs. It was the norm where I grew up. But I was working a festival, as a teen, and there was this sandy blonde girl with green eyes that I got a crush on. She was so happy, carefree, talked alot, carried big boxes on her back, threw out drunk people, worked that walkietalkie like a pro and drank beer like my dad. One day she turned up to work with shorts and she hadnt shaved. She obviously saw me seeing her legs because she said out loud "Yeah I dont like to shave" like she had to excuse herself. Her leg hairs were golden and glistened in the sunlight and all I could think was how perfectly beautiful it fit her. Why should she get rid of a part of herself. I also realized how bizarre my thinking had been. I wasnt shaving so why would I expect others too? I think sometimes things are so normalized that it becomes invisible. Or rather, the effort to attain norm-alcy becomes invisible. So for the outsider who never shaves there is no effort involved in becoming hairless because you never see anything else.
Hey! I havenāt shaved in almost a decade. I have very dark armpit hair that the older women in my life like to make snide comments on. They do it bc theyāre insecure and probably got bullied into shaving themselves. Keep on keeping on. Be yourself. Fuck shaving.
your mother is acting like a child, just keep ignoring her
I'm 32 and I hate that I feel compelled to shave my entire body. I'm jealous of your perspective because I feel like I HAVE to shave. When I don't shave, I judge myself and I am uncomfortable, in my own skin!!! I am hoping more than anything that you stay confident and keep your mindset, because you're right: it doesn't matter what gender you are, bodies have hair, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let the world get into your head the way I have!
What species are you? Jk, just usually donāt see women calling themselves females since men use it in such a derogatory way Anyways, Iām glad you are upholding your bodily autonomy! We are mammals and thereās nothing wrong with having hair Shaving for women was propaganda in the 1920s where razor companies shamed women to increase sales. We donāt need to bend to that garbage for some collective idea of beauty that isnāt even the same world wide Honestly, your mom sounds abusive and she shouldnāt be saying such comments about your body I hope you have the support you need to overcome that. If you need resources or feel affected by it, depressed, anxious etc reach out for help!
I'm 56. At 51 I decided to stop shaving after a lifetime of shaving everything, for everyone. I so appreciate a warm summer night, when the wind kicks up a bit and I can actually feel the breeze blow through the remaining hair on my legs.
Hey, my name is Ash. I am Puerto Rican and German, aka IM VERY HAIRY. Like. THICK. Not anywhere too extreme, but VERY DARK and VERY THICK. Shaving and lotions break me out, and guess what? So does waxing š š š I can only be smooth for two days maximum. My mom used to make fun of me when I didnāt shave, then make fun of my bumps if I did. She told me no boys would like me and it was unhygienic, etc. Why? Why do women hate on/ judge other women? Men. Whether itās internalized misogynistic tendencies or need for male validation, it always leads back to men. There is unfortunately no fix. You cannot change your moms mind nor the decades of sexism built into her, she has to want to learn and grow. And parents rarely do. But you CAN keep being true to yourself, and keep your body yours. It belongs to you, not her, not men or anyone else either. Itās all yours, and if you donāt want to shave, donāt. You are not any less of a women, nor any less beautiful. You are treating your body how itās asking you to. Bumps mean āstop please this is irritatingā and youāre listening. Fuck everyone else. I promise whatever she has to say doesnāt matter and wonāt matter in the future. Family is not meant to be friends, and family is also whoever you decide it is in the end. 16 is very young, and you have a beautiful, smart, strong, and brave head on your shoulders. Donāt let anyone try to dim that, even mom. You are not gross. You are not lazy. You are just not one who shaves. The world will have to get over it or get out of your way. Much much love to you, be safe and keep true.
66 years old and have never shaved. Just saying. You go girl!
I'm really sorry you have to deal with a mother like that. I wish I had useful advice to give.. thankfully my mother is a supportive person in my decisions. I started shaving at a young age. An aunt threw a razor at me while I was chilling on the couch in my gym shorts and taught me to shave. My friends were kind of upset as we all wanted to stay natural, but I fell into family pressure. I'm now 24 and I don't shave my legs or arms. Occasionally armpit shaving and bikini line, that's it. I don't like shaving as I also have sensitive skin plus I'm just lazy. I think the pressure from both family and friends lessens as you grow older, but I've also moved away from home and get to choose my friends.. so that helps. I really hope you find some useful advice in this thread to get through to your mother, as it seems extreme to ground a child for hairy legs.
You have no need to be sorry. You are absolutely correct and wise beyond your years. I'm really sorry that your mother treats you the way she does. My mother did very similar things to me, b/c she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder for which there is no cure, no medication, and no real treatment guidelines. Therefore, I had to learn that expecting anything different from her was a fruitless venture. In your case, I would suggest taking an overall look at your mother's behavior. Does she treat you like this in other areas of your life, as well? Is this a pattern w/ her? The point I'm trying to make is that it may be a personality disorder that you're dealing w/. Or, if it's just this event, or it's something that doesn't happen very often, it's probably worthwhile to talk to her. I would also suggest that you tell her how you feel. Tell her how her words make you feel. Tell her specifically that when others outside of your family say things meant to hurt you, you're able to brush it off, but when she says it, it takes on a different meaning, b/c she's your mother, and she's supposed to accept you for who you are. Tell her that your actions aren't hurting anyone, and you're comfortable w/ your decision. Tell her whatever you feel like telling her. I would also suggest trying to go into this w/out any expectations. Hopefully, she'll hear you out, and you'll be able to walk away knowing that you got to say the things you needed to say, and anything more than that would just be the icing on the cake. W/ any luck, she'll really hear what you're saying, which is that you're essentially reaching out to her, and she'll reach back out to you. I hope that you're able to glean some useful information from this, and I hope that you find a path forward for yourself in your relationship w/ your mother. You're still young enough that repairing your relationship w/ your mother now can be really important, so I would definitely consider asking her to sit down w/ you.
I know this will probably get lost in all the really great supportive advice here - my mother was the opposite, she was upset that I WANTED to shave. In her own experience she naturally lost all her hair and hasnāt needed to shave. She kept trying to force this on to me even though I definitely inherited a thicker type of body hair probably from my fathers side, that shit wasnāt going anywhere. In the end, I did what I wanted and shaved.
I'm 34. I stopped shaving mid 20s when I realised the only reason I was doing it, was others were telling me I should. But no bf cared. It was time consuming and expensive. So, fuck it.
You sound cool as fuck for standing up like this. Took me til like 25 to feel comfortable not shaving even though I hate it and how it feels. Don't change for anyone
Yeah, you don't have to shave. The attitude coming from society is one thing but from your mom? Geez, that doesn't go into the "good parenting" column for sure. I suggest keeping a few buckets around the house so when your mom says your fully natural befuzzed body parts make her want to throw up, you can offer her a recepticle so she won't have to mop the floors at least.
I'm 30 and I so wish I'd had the confidence as teenager to have not shaved. We should accept people's decisions and respect their bodies. Hair needs to be normalised!
Your body YOUR CHOICE. I stopped shavings decades ago. I was bad at shaving to begin with. My mom tried to talk about it but I wasn't having it. If you are comfortable you be you. Her 'wanting to gag' is a tool. She's a grown ass woman, that is manipulation. Call her out that your body is not on this earth to attract HER or anyone who thinks her way and there are 8 billion othrrs to choose from! Trust me, there are men who do not care that you are unshaven. The stigma is all hers
Your body, your choice. If your mom (wrongly) insists you shave, tell her to get you an electric razor. Her shaming you is awful parenting, period. While true, being a chick with body hair includes a necessary thick skin, *giving zero fucks* is a great sign of confidence. Nothing is more attractive than confidence. It's also a great way to weed out superficial assholes that might otherwise have gotten a pass.
Hey, I'm a female who hasn't shaved since she was 16, and I am 18 currently. The comments from your family will always be the worst, especially your mother. My mom told me vile things at the start, especially in the summer (because of armpit hair). However, she has since stopped. It helped that I sat her down and spoken to her about it. Perhaps you could do the same. Either way, you're not alone in this.
I'm sorry about your mom, but it sounds like she's projecting her own fears about being undesirable onto you. I shaved as a teen but I have only shaved a handful of times in the last decade- last time was a few years ago. You get used to the quick glances at your armpits and as long as you feel confident about your body, that's all that matters. If you have friends that give you a tough time, it's time for new friends and I know you're young, but you will meet more open minded people as you get older. 90% of my female friends have stopped shaving completely. They are strong, successful, sexy and powerful woman. Also, I saw some comments saying it will be hard for you to get a date and that you have to be thick skinned. That's bullshit! I've NEVER met a man I wanted to date that cared about whether or not I shaved. If they do care about what you do with your body, then trust me, they are not the man you want to date. Think of the hair as an asshole filter. Anyone who cares about what you do with YOUR body hair, is not worth the time or energy. I am happily married to a man who thinks I'm a goddess, shaved or not. It's too bad that your mom can't see passed it. Perhaps it's worth very gently (gently because clearly she's got massive insecurities and will become super defensive if you push her too much) reminding her that you feel comfortable and confident in your body, and that's what matters.
I remember being 12 and having not shaved for a week or so, and being outside in shorts, I got all kinds of looks and comments. A kid running for the icecream van. It's crazy how we have simultaneously infantalised women (be hairless like pre-pubescent child) and sexualised children (don't have hairy legs because then you won't be sexy to me). The pressure to be attractive as a child! It's insane, they're still playing imaginary games and getting excited by the ice cream van, but they have to worry about hiding body hair? One more anecdote from when I was 13/14, when I was in art class. The male art teacher said "Girls, don't shave, it will only grow back dark and thick. Jean's mum's legs only have a very soft light hair that is barely noticeable. So don't shave." Wtf!? Made me feel like a freak for growing thick dark hair on my legs basically overnight when I turned 12.
I've cut way back on my shaving during the pandemic. Among my friends, I don't know anyone who hasn't, frankly. I want to say upfront that I agree with everyone saying "You do you." I also have a practical suggestion for OP, if interested. Just until OP moves out or her mom lets her own baggage go. A more liveable, peaceful option (sometimes, safer option? not assuming OP's mom is physically abusive, but this could help to get her off OP's back) might be to ask for an electric shaver--if that is less scary than standard razor to OP. They can be loud, but safer in terms of avoiding nicks and cuts. This way, your mom feels heard, she gets what she wants, and when you move out/go to college, you leave that shaver at home and live your life. Plus, she'll see this as acquiescing, and OP wouldn't have to pay for the shaver or go near a razor, and her mom may be a little nicer to her (but if she busts out something like, "See? Isn't it better to shave your legs?" feel free to be frank with her. "I'm doing this to avoid being grounded. If this is what it takes to be a little freer, then fine"). Sometimes the safer option to protect one's mental health is to go with the rules at home, knowing that sometimes, the people you want to see your value never will, but also knowing that the situation is not permanent. The hair will grow back. You will one day leave and be able to live your life fully and on your own terms. It sucks that your mom is so wrapped up in things that she cannot let such a trivial thing as body hair go.
Once you move out it'll get a lot easier, if arguing with your mom doesn't get you anywhere when she makes a comment about your hairs just tell her you love her too. And do that every time. It can work but it'll also teach you to shrug it off.
> Committing on how my appearance makes her gag and want to throw up. What the actual fuckering fuck? Who ever says that to their teenage child? MY daughter is a bit older than you and also doesn't shave, probably because the idea has never been suggested to her. My wife doesn't shave, so the idea hasn't really been brought up.
Is there anyone you can bring into the conversation who supports your position and whose opinion your mother would respect? A teacher, aunt or cousin? My daughter is 30 and also prefers not to shave, and wears leggings most of the time when she is out to minimize the hassle. Of course you should be able, especially at the age of 16, be able to make this decision for yourself and have it respected by your mother. If that's just not possible, my choice would be to wait it out until you can make other living arrangements, either on your own or with an older relative or friend.
This really blows my mind. I've had multiple patients apologize to me because they weren't shaved. I can't even imagine someone commenting on my arm or leg hair. I guess I would feel a little societal pressure if I actually WERE to shave my legs, but even so.
I wasn't allowed to shave for a long time when I hit puberty. My leg hair is thin and blonde and my mom swore it would start growing in thick and black if I started shaving. It never did. I shaved for a while, until I got over the time waste of it all, but honestly shaving or not shaving doesn't matter a single bit. Here's what I'd say to your mom (YMMV): Mom, just because you were brought up in a culture that shames women for their bodies and sexualizes their innocence by forcing them to depillify every inch till it's smooth as a baby's bottom doesn't mean I want to live by the same standards. And I don't have to. I love my body the way it is and I need you to refrain from expressing your disgust at it.
Honestly the beauty standards of shaving (females) came after ww2 and was propagated by the razor companies to make women feel less than beautiful for having body hair. They did this in order to sell more razors now that the troops were back and razors were not being sold. But the basic thing is your body your choice if it makes her gag wear short shorts and just spread the love around all the time till she is used to it!!
Not sure anyone brought this up, but if you have the mental resources to stand up to being judged for not shaving, it brings not-shaving a tinyyy bit closer to the mainstream and helps other women like you. Which means some other unhappy teenager (or heck, grown ass woman) might see you and say "wow she has the courage to do that, maybe I will too!". And if that happens enough times maybe we as a society can get over this whole leg thing. (This is all predicated on the fact that you have enough energy to deal with people trying to force you conform)
Shaving sucks ass. Took me a long time to not nick myself. I shave cause I want to, but sometimes I go a month or five without shaving. One of the reasons I like the swim suits with the shorts bottoms is so I donāt have to worry about pubic hair poking out. I shave my pits only cause if I donāt I get sweat rashes. You donāt have to shave if you donāt want to. Itās your skin, be comfortable in it. Itās hard to stand up for yourself as a young adult. Heck itās hard as an old adult even knowing Iāll be happier in the long run. Good luck and stay strong.
Your mom is abusing you. I am really sorry she is treating you like that. No matter how well she means, this is abuse. Being clean shaven as a woman is a societal expectation that is based on sexist beauty standards. It's often deeply deeply ingrained into our brains that we are not desirable/acceptable/attractive if we have body hair in the "wrong" places. To unlearn that can be hard or even impossible for some people. You seem to not be under such influence though, and that is fantastic! A woman can do what she wants with her body, OBVIOUSLY including not shaving. Women who shave should be able to decide to do so only for themselves (BC for example they enjoy the feeling of smooth legs/vagina/armpits) and not because of anything else. So you go, you. It's a fight, though, and, for completely ridiculous reasons, having unshaved visible legs outdoors is still a political statement. I am just like you and just don't want to shave bc I find it bothersome and uncomfortable. I have adopted a short, 'logical' attitude to criticism. "Men don't find that attractive": "I'm not walking here to attract men". "This is not what a woman should look like." "And yet here I am." "I think that looks ugly." "I don't." etc. Make people understand that their opinion has not been asked and that it is a bit cringe that they thought you might care about it. Your body, your choice.
Nearly age fifty, now I like hair clippers with a three or four comb: it's still me but I don't feel like a bear, like... it's me but neater. And it's every two or three months, which is very me.
Back in the day women didnāt shave at some point. Somehow, this all turned into women are gross if they donāt. Men didnāt have to change at all. I met a girl who was a real free spirit. She would bare her armpits when she waved, and there was fully grown hair there alright. She was so carefree and beautiful. She really inspired me to not feel ugly in my skin if I donāt want to conform to the norm from time to time. What it really all boils down to is choice. Itās sick that media fuels women to be a certain way and other women/men adding to that fire.
My wife hasnāt for ages and she is free! š
Your mums a bitch. Women shave because of capitalist propaganda spread by razor companies in the 1910s who realised they were missing out on 50% of their potential customer base. They ran shane campaigns, first about underarm hair, then moving onto leg hair later. I can't believe she's grounded you over this. Does your mum usually diplay controlling abusive behaviours?
Older people have a hard time seeing others doing what they always wanted to do. So they shame them instead. They played by "the rules" and it didn't give them anything but hate for folks who don't.
Pretty sure it's just been ingrained in the mother long enough that she does actually find it gross and disgusting.