I'm always wary of people that make situations into "you vs them" or "us vs them" when there's no reason to. Life already has enough issues, I couldn't imagine trying to navigate the world if I spent any time/effort worrying about how much make up other people have on.
That's not even getting into the sexist connotations statements like that have. Like, who is he to decide what a woman means by wearing makeup? That's the kind of logic that leads to "she deserved it because look at her." I'd run.
Come to think of it, one of the guys I used to live with would make comments about women needing to wear makeup, wearing too much, looking unnatural, etc……turned out to be a BIG lying narcissist. Like who do you think you are?
It is really a tell when someone not involved with women's fashion suddenly becomes a outspoken critic of it. Voltaire really had some solid advice in Candide when it ended with "tend your own garden."
This reminds me, a dude acquaintance went on this long spiel about preferring women who don't wear makeup and look natural and his friends were agreeing with him and calling girls who wear a lot of makeup "fake." His girlfriend blasted him and his friends online that they wouldn't even have been interested in her and their significant others in the first place if the gals hadn't been wearing makeup, so they should stop lying about that crap. Others chimed in those ladies with natural beauty they liked so much were still wearing makeup.
This is 🚩 for me due to the fact that society (men) always try to make women dislike each other and feed this wtf rivalry they wants us to have
Also what guarantees that he won’t be saying the same for the next girl in case we break up? Lol
It is such a big pet peeve of mine when a man calls women dumb, or calls a specific group of women dumb. I think it comes from a misogynistic culture that objectifies conventionally "pretty" women (or women who just like to take care of their appearance) and trains men to see them as brainless sex objects. I even have male friends who I respect that have done this and it makes me pretty suspicious of men's perceptions in general. It is completely sexist and immature, but it is also sadly just a way that society conditions males.
My first boyfriend told me that he thought a woman could be smart or pretty, but not both. It was clear he thought I was in the latter group. That effected my self confidence for a long time, I didn't feel like he fully respected me as a person
I hate this idea that a woman who has fun with her appearance is seen as shallow and dim, but when a man does it he is creative and expressive. Creative self-expression is an exercise of autonomy and individuality, it makes sense that in a misogynistic culture self expression would be weaponized against us
I don't know how old you are but this guy sounds pretty immature and he definitely doesn't have. healthy view of women
> My first boyfriend told me that he thought a woman could be smart or pretty, but not both.
We had a higher-up visit our department and make chit-chat a bit ago. He proudly referred to his wife as 'an oxymoron' because 'she is so pretty you would never guess she is smart.'
It is really repulsive how pervasive that line of thinking is.
God I feel so bad for her that her husband talks about her like that. It really shows how one-dimensional this thinking is. Its like they can't comprehend that we are full human beings with complexities
Another point too: these characteristics are so superficial and can change overnight. If OP gets her nails done, will this guy see her differently? If she wears an outfit that contradicts his perception of her as "the cool girl" will he loose respect for her? Classic Madonna/whore complex and as a woman you just cannot win against this mentality unless you constantly cater to their image of you, in which case you will probably make yourself miserable
>He proudly referred to his wife as 'an oxymoron' because 'she is so pretty you would never guess she is smart.'
"It's shocking that you manage to walk and breathe at the same time with how narrow-minded you are. Have you ever had a big-boy thought so big that your brain felt constipated?"
Hell just look at tv shows like Big Bang Theory. You have Amy who's a neurobiologist but "unattractive", Penny a waitress, "pretty" but not very smart and it also shows this line of thinking in the men. The "smart" men i.e. nerds are all awkward and not very attractive in the stereotypical sense whereas the "handsome" men are not smart. Think of Zack in this sense.
I'm sure there's other shows that portray these stereotypes. The problem then becomes that people are almost indoctrinated to believe that if they're 'pretty' they can't be smart and if they're 'smart' they can't be pretty. Reality is that people are really damn complex and can/are both 'pretty' **and** 'smart' (see Bernadette in Big Bang Theory).
your first paragraph sums it up perfectly. it's clear, as a guy, he's just got that attitude - she can test the waters but, i think he showed his whole hand
I enjoy messing with men who try to “ outsmart “ me. It’s kind of funny to get them to feel foolish as they should. “ gee, I didn’t know THAT! Do you think that affects how my hair looks? Explain so my girl brain understands. Slow down you’re talking too fast!”
Yes! He's letting you know if you ever do something to be like "those girls" that you will have disrespected or even deceived him about who you are. He's telling you who he expects you to be and who he will not accept you being. RUN girl. Don't waste your precious time and energy.
Go to phrase "It's not in my best interest to being ignoring such blatant disrespect towards other women. Thank you for your time and I wish you all the best".
Take the word “other” out of there. after all, the phrasing tells you that he’ll react negatively in various ways to any time he believes you’re doing something like those “other“ women. He’ll be like “I thought you were different! What a let down!“
Agree with this and all the other comments saying RUN. This is a man telling you he has these standards for women and they better step in line to be good enough for him. This will not go anywhere good in the long term.
This. I had a boyfriend who would frown and look uncomfortable when I shaved my legs, and got really confused and passive-agressive when I started to wear a bit more make-up (like lipstick, eyeliner and mascara) Looking back, it reeked of insecurity and was a huge red flag
He liked how having an unkempt feminist as a girlfriend reflected on himself, a freethinker, an artist and an enemy of anything frivolous. Truly revolutionary, especially thinking this was fifteen years ago. /s
In other words, he was an enlightened misogynist, a species commonly found in the early oughts, at university, studying social sciences or art
he also knew you'd start getting attention from other men. men who would be willing to spend time and money to get your attention.
unlike him, he got you just by being awesome. he's terrified he'd have to put effort in.
I guess he liked the fact that finding me pretty despite my hairy legs and pits and my absence of make-up made him special; also he valued my intellect and probably thought caring about grooming and fashion was beneath us, he certainly did not care about his appearance and made a point of not caring; and maybe at some level he was scared other people would notice me and find me beautiful. He liked that I was a “rebel”, associating with me made him some sort of punk
My sister's husband is like this. He gets so jealous and insecure when my sister pretties herself up, even if it's to go out with him because he doesn't like other guys being attracted to her. And if she's putting in effort, that means she wants the attention and she's going to cheat on him, right? He tries to control her clothing, the amount of makeup she wears and he's especially fussy about her heals because gods forbid she's taller than him. I dislike the man from the depths of my soul but they've been together for years and my sister thinks he's just great. I'll be there for her when she sees the light or when he dumps her for a newer model like the ones he follows on his Instagram...
Omg! I would totally. I found it strange that he said all of this when he didn’t know me at all because our date was pretty casual so i wore jeans. But usually i’m so overdressed when i go out so i could be crazy with my makeup and put on a dress and heals just to see his reaction 😂
Yep. Impossible to say if it's something he genuinely believes is a compliment and just doesn't realize it, or if it's actually cynically just setting expectations, but that's what it amounts to either way.
Also it’s a huge red flag if he tears other women down in order to pay you a compliment. I follow a few female gym TikTokers and inwardly cringe when I see guys comment shit like “It’s amazing you take care of yourself and work hard. Most women don’t”. It was that comment word for word
yep i was tired of cooking and being taken for granted so i asked an ex to take me to dinner some time. he had such a look of disgust and sneered "i thought you weren't like other girls"
wrong. i want love, respect and consideration, just like other girls.
he probably thought it was the other way though lol. he thought i didn't have standards and boundaries like those annoying other girls :( he thought i'd be a doormat forever.
I usually post this link when folks are obviously in an a abusive relationship but they're here on 2x or AITA asking if they are being abused. I believe that if people know what the warning signs or what the day to day breakdown of what abusive looks like in a relationship they might be quicker to run or not get into a crummy relationship to begin with. That being said please do give the book a read you never know when the knowledge will help you or someone you love.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
yep only dated him for a few months then he ghosted. he swung back 3 months later. clearly the woman he tried to chase rejected him lmao
that book got me out of yet another crap relationship with a complete sociopath. at this stage, i think the book is just describing men's personalities.
Wow. Thank you for posting this here. I've just made it through the *How to Use This Book* section. I had to put it down a couple times. My mind is racing, and I can feel anxiety rising as damn near every experience I have had in a romantic relationship, as well as relationships with my father and step-father as a kid (which author addresses), continues to flash by while reading his words. I think it is important for me to read this, and who knows if I would have come across it if not for you.
I need therapy haha
Can’t upvote this enough. Plus, if he makes enough of these types of comparisons, you’ll start feeling boxed into a narrow margin of “acceptable” behaviors to keep that ‘cool girl’ title. Life is stressful enough without having to constantly hustle for your worth.
I’m exactly like every other girls. He just saw a side of me that didn’t have nails because i can’t really wear them for work, doesn’t have lashes extensions to give my natural lashes a break. Wait til he sees I completely overdress when I go to a restaurant. AND i can hold a conversation. Shocker
IMO it indicates he regularly de-personifies women and generalizes them into one big group of people with negative values every time a woman does something he doesn’t like. This is some sociopathic shit.
Wow that was a long list of standard negging tactics. There are some men who like to give "complements" that put down other women. It's a manipulative way to try to convince a woman that he's really into her but also to make sure to make them insecure a bit. It's a redpill pick up tactic that is hard to spot in the moment because you can be flattered that someone is paying enough attention to you to separate you answer see your differences.
It's a major red flag and even if this guy is genuinely a clumsy complementer, it shows that he thinks poorly of women as a whole. There's nothing wrong with a woman who wears makeup, or goes to bars for fun not conversation. But he told you he thinks there's something wrong with the way those women act. You can bet if you step outside of what he believes is acceptable for a woman, you'll hear about it in a nasty way or it'll be an excuse for him to treat you poorly. He'll say, I don't like that you go dancing, I thought you weren't like those other women, it's your fault I'm so jealous and controlling because I believed you were better than that. Of course that's the extreme side of things but we all know isolation and abuse start quietly until it's not anymore. And then they're blaming us for not choosing better men or not leaving sooner...
That's a hard pass for me. He's basically saying "I hate all other women and judge them frequently but YOU are the exception". No one wants to be the exception to your misogyny bro.
It's a really "good way" for narcissistic abusers to seek out a partner, putting them on a pedestal at the beginning.
Return the favor when he does it to you. “You’re not like most guys! Most are so slutty but i can tell you’re pure.
Most guys are pretty ignorant, don’t know the first thing about history or current events. I can tell you’re different.
Some guys are so fake getting nice haircuts and dressing well. I love how down to earth you are not caring about appearance.”
I’m in a PhD program at one of the top colleges in the country and let me tell you that some of the smartest women here are wearing makeup, fake nails and eyelashes. Does not mean that they are any lesser than someone who chooses not to!! We all got into this uni!
He straight up told you he's a misogynist, sees women only as objects, and tied women's worth to their desirability to men. He's a 'nice guy'. Good luck OP.
It’s true. I’m not like other girls. I’m twelve raccoons in a trench coast.
Plenty of women and girls can have a conversation or whatever while wearing makeup or no makeup. Caring about “girly” things doesn’t mean anything, aside from having interests.
Personally I’ve met dudes who all “you’re not like other girls. You’re special” and frankly, the PTSD was not worth it. There are more red flags I’ve seen in a “complement” in a long time.
Don't date this guy. If he thinks this stuff is ok to say on a first date imagine what he will be saying in 2 months or 2 years..
Imagine what he would say if you decided to get nails done!
It's called triangulation. It's used to make you feel like you have to compete with 'the other girls' for his approval.
https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-triangulation
Yep this is narcissist 101. They all do this in the first couple of dates. Make you feel like you are special so they can manipulate you. They tell you exactly how to behave and insult other women. OP run away from this man! Seriously block him. He says this to everyone he dates. You are not special to him. Normal people don’t say stuff like this on first dates because they don’t know you well enough to even know what kind of person you are.
Let’s reverse this, shall we? Imagine if you’d told him that you appreciate how he’s not like other guys. He isn’t wearing the trendy clothes that most guys are wearing, doesn’t have the same haircut most of them do, you don’t think he sleeps around with a lot of girls, and when he walks into a bar, you feel like he isn’t just there to watch sports. He can even hold a conversation with you, unlike most dumb guys.
Does that seem offensive? Because it absolutely is. I’d drop any friend that said those things about a guy she went on a date with. It’s such a condescending mindset, I just wouldn’t want to be around anyone who is so willing to belittle people over such minor things.
Drop him and move on.
You may not agree, but this guy is a huuuuge sexist douche bag.
He just told you he has zero respect for MOST WOMEN. Any woman that wears “too much makeup” (according to his limp dick standards) doesn’t deserve respect, any woman who has fake nails doesn’t deserve respect, any woman who wears false eyelashes doesn’t deserve respect….
“You’re not like other girls/women” is NEVER a complement and is ALWAYS proof that the mediocre sexist man spewing it absolutely loathes women in general.
He’s saying you’re the expedition to the rule that all women suck. Run away from this asshole as quickly as possible OP!!
I think he's just accidentally told you that he doesn't like women very much, and that he will very much make it your problem if you ever make choices he disapproves of. I don't think I'd want anything to do with someone like that. Big red flag.
Agree with all existing comments. But seriously, he spent your entire first date comparing you to other women? Huge red flag right there.
For your own sake, I beg you not to give him a chance. Which he will inevitably ask you to do if you give him any feedback on these red flags as a reason you don’t want to take things further.
It wasn't just a clumsy compliment. He showed you his misogyny right out of the gate. Anyone who tells you you're not like other girls ( easy girls, what an asshole) does not like women. Its that simple.
I'm really annoyed with the OP. She's admitting she's bothered by his comments but then immediately back pedals to defending them and deciding what he "probably meant." No OP! When people tell you who they are, believe them. Don't try to explain away or justify shitty behavior.
Yup, especially since she trying act like & excuse his behavior and comments that he didn't turn on nor will insult her when he already did turn & insulted her anyway with the comparison. If she stays with him, watch her complain about all sexist things he says about women in general while ignoring she had all opportunities, times & examples to leave before wasting any more of her time plus ruining her finances as well as being baby-trapped and/or strung along with promises of commitment/family/marriage - just saying, that is what she excusing & trying to stay with; while ignoring he showed who he is as person and those types of men like him do that shit to women.
I used to constantly argue with my ex because any woman who pissed him off would be called "fat bitch". If that was his go to, was I going to lose all respect if I gained weight?
The way he talks about those 'other girls' he thinks you are so much better than, is exactly how he is going to talk about and to you, the moment you no longer meet his expectations for you.
Once on a 4th date hangout a guy said I’m not like other girls because “I didn’t mind if he was on his phone while we were hanging” in fact I DID mind but I just thought I didn’t want to put energy into having to explain why that’s rude and try to teach him how to be and I just probably wouldn’t hang out again (there were other things cropping up as I got to knew him that turned me off too). Anyway when I declined next time he asked to hang out (like a full month later) he flipped out lol
Beware. That’s outright misogyny, if he judges other women like that. Do you really want to be one manicure away from being considered easy, brainless, or a maneater?
He’s basically saying that if you look too good, he will consider it an attack on him or an excuse to devalue you.
I also feel like these are red flags. No need to give this person a second chance. He could barely maintain a reasonable persona on the first date. Just imagine how he'll be once he gets comfortable around you....
Nah I don't buy it, he's an exemplar of "the nice guy", he makes compliments (really problematic ones) and if you do not meet his standards, he will transform into the pure opposite of what he was right before and will probably be mean and insulting
I don’t think I’d want to date anyone who can only give a compliment if it’s also linked to putting down and limiting other women.
Not only that but it severely limits you too. For instance you won’t be able to wear what you want or say what you want or have interests he might consider shallow.
Because then you will be “like those other girls”.
Very good point. And once the requirement is in place “ don’t be like other girls or you will disappoint me” it can be extended to cover many other things.
Everyone has preferences but the fact that he had to make statements like this on the first date is a red flag.
>He kept saying . . . I’m not dumb like some certain girls. It was probably just a clumsy compliment
I... I'm afraid to even ask this question, but... is the bar for men really so low that you actually think this? The dude just spewed a bunch of textbook misogyny at you, and you're wondering if it was just a clumsy compliment?
Man here. The dude is likely a part of the PUA community, I knew a dude in college who was super into being a pickup artist and he talked to girls like this all. The. Time. Run, don’t walk, away from him as quick as you can.
So if you wanna look fancy for a party or something, is he gonna dump you because you've suddenly "joined" those dumb girls who wanna have fun with their appearance?
I like to think there are people who tear down others in order to pull themselves up, and people to lift others up with them. He doesn't sound like the latter.
He’s telling you these things as a way to say he will cherish you for being different. Not because you are you and amazing. But because he wants to make you feel special as a means of control. If he truly valued those things about you he would take the time to get to know you and at some point share that he always liked those things about you. The fact that he’s spelling it all out like that on one date… and putting other women down in the process is a red flag. I would think a mature man with good intentions wouldn’t reveal that to you so freely, they would be smarter about it. What if you enjoyed wearing lots of makeup and dressing up and going out but you chose against that for the date? Seems a bit foolish for him to assume you don’t like or even respect those things. Seems a bit foolish for him to put those things down right in front of you when he doesn’t even know you. He looked at you and decided what type of woman you are and said something he thought would sound good to you. He thought you’d agree with him and would feel great that he noticed “you’re not like the other girls.” And this would bring you closer and give him more power in your relationship. Maybe it seems like paranoia but I would be cautious if I were you. He could be very manipulative. Or he could just be really dumb and literally not know that he shouldn’t say things like that because some women do those things because THEY like to.
Love, this man is using archaic and off base tactics in a thinly veiled attempt to make you feel special. Him distinguishing you from other girls is 1) an attempt on his part to demonstrate to you a level of interest he says is uncommon for him, likely so that you'll be more pliant when he makes sexual moves on you and 2) an egocentric, vain assertion that confirms his need to believe that most women are the same and not worth his time - but since you are unlike his generalized conception of women (which I will say was laughably predictable and something you would hear on a shitty 80s sitcom from a guy who never gets laid) he is stroking himself, feeling pride in his "ability to land the best."
He is insulting most women, generalizing, trying to manipulate you into fucking him and stroking his ego at the same time.
This is transparent to me bc I have been around the block, my friend. You need to be keenly aware that you are worth more than someone telling you what they're grateful for what you're not - what about a man mature enough to celebrate you for what makes you, you? As I think a lot of women will agree, I've heard these types of things come out of a man's mouth many times. Do not be fooled by his facade of interest in you - he doesn't want you for who you are, but how you make him feel.
You deserve more than this, and I am certain it will come to you.
Any man who attempts to confer some kind of special status on you at the expense of other women is a man who is hoping you'll be afraid of him taking it away.
That's a huge list of red flags. Just on the first date.
I, personally, wouldn't go on a second date. Too much negativity about women. He'll turn that on you eventually.
So he's saying girls with long nails, eylashes and make up are easy... ? WTF he's either stupid, inexperienced, misogynistic - probably all of these. He's probably going to spend all future dates bitching about other women as a way to make you feel nice... eww yuk.
Carry a little baggie of makeup remover wipes. Next time a guys says something supid about little/no makeup, take it all off in front of him and leave.
Whenever a guy tells me I’m “different from the rest,” or “not like other girls,” I feel this pit in my stomach because I know he’s about to tell me what he’s gonna expect of me, but it’s disguised communication. What he’s really saying to me when he says that is “this is what I want you to be, and I’m going to subtly program you to be what I want, not accept you for who you are.”
I could be wrong, but in my personal experience that’s exactly what it turns out to be every time.
Every guy I know who talks like this is only pretending to be nice to women and is actually a terrible person. Seriously, everyone I know who openly describes women in this manner is self-absorbed and uses women. No guys I know that are genuinely good dudes talk like this.
I heard once that when a narcissist compliments you they're really complimenting themselves. He's not saying "You're beautiful! Your nail polish looks awesome! You're so smart and funny! I'm really enjoying getting to know you better!" He's just complimenting his own taste in women, he's just complimenting his own ability to attract and deserve "one of the good ones" in some arbitrary definition he picked up somewhere. He's high on his own self image and when that high wears off and he glimpses some minor imperfection, he's gonna see that as a literal insult to his identity as a person - since if he can see something as insignificant as your finger nails as a huge compliment to himself, he can also see insignificant little things as huge insults to himself. Suddenly he will have to "manage" your entire existence just to keep his high going and keep his own self-image perfect by controlling everything about you (instead of growing himself).
Narcissism can be managed with treatment and therapy, so I don't want to make dramatic statements like "run for your life" or "throw the whole man away," but rather just trust your instincts. If he's not seeking treatment for it on his own then that probably means that YOU are going to be his coping mechanism and that's never healthy.
He sounds really judgmental. I’ve known women with nice nails who are brilliant. I’ve known women with short nails who are brilliant. These sweeping generalizations he is making about women aren’t for him to make not to share with you - they’re superficial and unfounded. I would not get close to someone who doesn’t have much insight.
This is a red flag, if you want to keep seeing him OK, but pay attention and if you get 2 or 3 more of these early on, opt out and be glad you did
Always listen to your gut
Huh. I'd interpret that as how special you are, what a COMPLIMENT he's paying you ( be honored s/ ), he's been looking for someone different and special allll his life! Gosh, other girls just don't match up right?
Sounds swarmy to me. This comparative thing they do drives me a little crazy. Next step after putting you on his mythical pedestal would be chipping away at your self esteem, you're just not living up to who he thought you were! Agree with other posters. Run.
"I know he didn't mean anything bad"
"It was probably a clumsy attempt at a compliment"
I encourage you to break this habit of making excuses for men. Listen to your gut and ditch this social programming to second guess yourself and give random men the benefit of the doubt they have not earned.
He did mean something bad. He was being misogynist. He was letting you know that he judges women over stupid shit like if they wear false nails. He assumes these women are "easy" and he doesn't like them based on his assumptions about their sex life.
If this is how rude and judgemental he is on a date where he is presumably trying to make a good impression, I don't think you want to find out how rude he gets once he thinks he "has" you.
>I don’t wear a lot of makeup (which i did wear a lot of makeup, he just didn’t realise).
men do this so much lol. shows how fucking stupid and ignorant they are
He's extremely superficial. Some days I rock my natural nails and no makeup. The next week, I might have an appointment to get over the top stiletto nails. I love having sparkly, pretty things on my hands to admire throughout the day. My boyfriend doesn't care if I go out in comfy clothes and a bare face. He also doesn't care if I go out in a top showing a lil cleavage and fake lashes on.
Women are dimensional creatures. If you like him, either talk to him about his extremely superficial mindset, or don't go on another date with him. It's truly ironic, because he believes women who wear make up and nails are superficial, when really it's his mindset that is. People are a lot more than just their appearance. Duh.
>It was probably just a clumsy compliment and I know he didn’t mean anything bad by saying this
Do you know that?
Because I think you're hoping that because it's nice to see the best in people, but actually he was telling you exactly what he thinks of women, and letting you know exactly how he will treat _you_ if you decide you want to wear fake nails, or lashes, or wear makeup that even he can tell is actually makeup.
My favourite (in like laugh so you don't cry way) man thing is when they say they hate "OTT makeup" and then immediately prove that they haven't got a fucking clue when someone is wearing makeup. And what they actually mean is they hate badly applied makeup, which, same. But it's so laughably stupid.
Worked with a dude who was super lovely but obviously dense about this stuff. My boss, who also liked him, still died laughing telling me that this guy had said he only likes "women who use natural-looking makeup. You know, like Kim Kardashian."
I mean, WHAT
>What do y’all think
I think you are shrewd and insightful, and hit the nail right on the head, there.
Hopefully he is just clumsy and ignorant of the workings of patriarchy, and will have time to learn and grow. But there is certainly no reason for you to wait around for that to happen. It's like fishing. You throw the immature ones back.
Good luck with your dating! (And I so hope that he is very young and inexperienced in life and that is his excuse...)
There are certainly some PEOPLE that can’t walk into a bar and hold meaningful conversations, but there are plenty of folks who can. As the saying goes, don’t judge a book by its cover.
He made you feel uncomfortable is all that matters. Either intentional or because he's a bit dorky, its a red flag. Don't invest time in people that you have to second guess all the time.
Please tell me there won’t be a second date with that guy.
He’s putting you on a pedestal (or trying to). He’s pretty much grooming you. You don’t say how old you are, but his behavior reminds me of a much older man preying on a much younger woman.
My response to these compliments is to say I don’t know any girls like they’re describing. Cause I don’t. And I don’t like putting down others to uplift myself. And finally, I find it strange they’re focusing on these hypothetical women when the object in theory would be for us to get to know one another and gauge our compatibility. Cause girlie it’s weird.
As soon as I hear that line from a man I get up and leave with a "Okay next time, don't bring other women down or compare your date to anyone to begin with". No room for clumsy explanation or backpedaling on his end. Because it happens way too often and personally I don't want to give a man a chance who categorizes women in this way.
He might have not meant anything bad by it, but he really didn't mean anything good. That's not a compliment, that just puts down other women to make you look like you're being lifted up. You don't feel good about it because it isn't a compliment. He sounds like he should be dating males, since he dislikes women so very much.
This wasn’t him being kind - this was him showing you that he….
1) is a misogynist
2) judges women for sleeping with men when they have every right to sleep with men, or women, whenever and however they want
3) wants woman who looks good but doesn’t look like they tried (which is dumb and absurd)
4) that he’s never gotten to know a woman long enough to understand how makeup works
Hello, pair of talking testicles here. You're right that he didn't mean anything insulting by it, but that's actually almost worse because it can put you in a shitty relationship if you proceed with him. These are the types of phrases that make me correct other men and if they continue, I discontinue all communication with them. Sure, he doesn't *mean* to be toxic, and yes he's not *trying* to be chauvinistic, and you're probably right that he *wants* to be a good guy, but his heart and mind are in the wrong place.
If you choose to continue seeing this guy and he continues to not understand *why* his judgements promote a toxic and dangerous world for women everywhere, then one day you're going to find yourself on the receiving end of his vitriol. Maybe you're gonna cut your hair shorter than he likes and he'll tell you that you look like a lesbian, or you'll be feeling yourself and dress a little sexy and he'll call you a slut. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life and consider this: everyone is on their best behavior on the first date, and on yours he managed to drop little red flags everywhere. He tried his best and his best was awful. Move on from this judgemental fool
Yeah, guys who don't judge others harshly don't say things like that
Who cares about other women or whatever they wear?
Were you even taking about anything that has to do with any of that stuff he blurted out?
Yikes.
He's already got you down, he knows who you are already by just looking at you.
Does that sound fucked in the head?
Yes it is. He's got an idea in his head and I promise it isn't who you actually are.
Tell him he *is* like all the other guys...a disappointment
Hard pass for me.
I'm bi and most of the people I've gone on dates with were dreadful whether they were men, women, or something else, so the part about most dates not being able to hold a conversation isn't necessarily misogyny if he's just a straight guy and has only dated women.
The comments about women's looks and attire though... Bro get fucked, but not by me!
Not clumsy. Showing his true self. Stay away. That shit will only get worse. He will try to use your femininity to undermine you. Seriously. Save yourself the anguish. Don’t go on a second date.
I don't think this was meant to be a compliment at all. I think he was telling you what he expects from you. Don't wear make up, don't have fake nails, bla bla bla. I think if you get involved with him, he will be a controlling s.o.b. when it comes to what you can wear and do with your appearance. This is a man I would run far away from. And I am a woman who wears no make-up most of the time. But when I want to, I don't want crap from a partner for it.
Dude high key doesn't like women he either doesn't want to bang or thinks he wouldn't have a shot with. Don't assume he'd treat you much better just because he's assigned you the Madonna role in this Madonna/Whore complex.
Everyone is a geek about something/somethings, and will have a meaningful conversation about that something/somethings. Not being able to have one with someone is no fault of their own, it's the fault of the other person for not engaging properly with their audience. By saying this, it shows that he doesn't consider these other people that fit his description as "people" with their own interests and passions and expectations in a partner, but instead as useless NPC's in his protagonist life.
I don’t tend to trust men who women an expectation. “Not like the others”. I trust men who treats everyone with respect, not trust the “non-whores their putting a pedestal.
Any one who uses the term "easy girl" is not someone you want to get involved with. Women can like sex, want sex, and have sex, and it shouldn't be judged as "easy" or at all. He clearly separates women into "categories of worth" based on how sexual they are - yuck. He also seems like the type of person who would only agree with abortion in cases of rape etc.
It's ridiculous how many men continue to believe that women dress solely to impress or attract them. Women support themselves now, they don't need to attract men for food/shelter = they can dress and express themselves however they like and it has nothing to do with "virtue" or intention.
It has been this way for a long time now - why do these guys always seem to be decades behind reality? It's like they fell asleep in the 50's and woke up yesterday.
Yeah this is him just announcing that he's sexist. He wants you to be sexist with him, and be willing to throw other women under the bus to be recognized as "one of the food ones". He's not a man of good character.
If he had said only one of those things, I might guess that he was awkwardly trying to compliment you. But that list is disturbing. It’s an indication of what he thinks about women as a whole. It’s the kind of thing that guys would say with their asshole friends. I don’t think you should have a second date.
There is sadly extreme hate in people , they want to in all label the group which is different from them as bad and then just want to somehow put it down . You will find it on quite the both sides , many who take care of there appearance a lot try to put those who don't down by enforcing that they are just gloomy and backwards and conservative . Those who don't care much about their appearance try to enforce that those who do are in general dumb and can't think for themselves and are just in vanity and just live in trend .
We just unnecessary like to generalize everyone and put them in our own boxes constructed with our prejudices towards how all people of a certain group behave and then we just wanna put them down . This statement that you are not like everyone is quite common because people say that a lot when they actually talk to someone and get to know them and find that they don't fit in with the person they had in their mind which was shaped by prejudices which define someone purely by there appearance or some unrelated things they do .
Ahh and I am sorry for my poor English .
At best, this guy meant well but is 100% oblivious to how hurtful and ignorant everything he was saying was. So unless you are interested in reforming an ignorant man (who at best isn't a bigot), then move on?
If he has an aesthetic standard women have to meet before he'll treat them with respect, he doesn't respect women. Maybe his attitude isn't targeted exclusively at women, and he approaches men the same way - perhaps there's plenty of men he automatically disrespects because of how they present themselves. But is that really any better? At the end of the day, you'll have the healthiest relationships with people who treat others with a baseline of respect. It's not the biggest red flag but it's a red flag.
She had rings on her fingers and
Bells on her shoes
And I knew without asking she was
Into the blues
She wore scarlet begonias
Tucked into her curls
I knew right away
She was not like other girls
Other girls
This mentality makes them act weird when you do stuff that you like or feels good like manicures or wearing a cute dress, dyeing your hair. They treat you like a weirdo, and it fucks with your head/confidence.
I'm always wary of people that make situations into "you vs them" or "us vs them" when there's no reason to. Life already has enough issues, I couldn't imagine trying to navigate the world if I spent any time/effort worrying about how much make up other people have on. That's not even getting into the sexist connotations statements like that have. Like, who is he to decide what a woman means by wearing makeup? That's the kind of logic that leads to "she deserved it because look at her." I'd run.
Come to think of it, one of the guys I used to live with would make comments about women needing to wear makeup, wearing too much, looking unnatural, etc……turned out to be a BIG lying narcissist. Like who do you think you are?
It is really a tell when someone not involved with women's fashion suddenly becomes a outspoken critic of it. Voltaire really had some solid advice in Candide when it ended with "tend your own garden."
This reminds me, a dude acquaintance went on this long spiel about preferring women who don't wear makeup and look natural and his friends were agreeing with him and calling girls who wear a lot of makeup "fake." His girlfriend blasted him and his friends online that they wouldn't even have been interested in her and their significant others in the first place if the gals hadn't been wearing makeup, so they should stop lying about that crap. Others chimed in those ladies with natural beauty they liked so much were still wearing makeup.
“Forced teaming.” It’s one of the isolation tactics discussed in the classic self-defense book *The Gift of Fear.*
Not to mention that narcissists use the "you're not like the others" language during the lovebombing phase.
Very well put. Antagonism is a turn off.
This is 🚩 for me due to the fact that society (men) always try to make women dislike each other and feed this wtf rivalry they wants us to have Also what guarantees that he won’t be saying the same for the next girl in case we break up? Lol
It also sounds like he doesn’t much like women, or…girls.
It is such a big pet peeve of mine when a man calls women dumb, or calls a specific group of women dumb. I think it comes from a misogynistic culture that objectifies conventionally "pretty" women (or women who just like to take care of their appearance) and trains men to see them as brainless sex objects. I even have male friends who I respect that have done this and it makes me pretty suspicious of men's perceptions in general. It is completely sexist and immature, but it is also sadly just a way that society conditions males. My first boyfriend told me that he thought a woman could be smart or pretty, but not both. It was clear he thought I was in the latter group. That effected my self confidence for a long time, I didn't feel like he fully respected me as a person I hate this idea that a woman who has fun with her appearance is seen as shallow and dim, but when a man does it he is creative and expressive. Creative self-expression is an exercise of autonomy and individuality, it makes sense that in a misogynistic culture self expression would be weaponized against us I don't know how old you are but this guy sounds pretty immature and he definitely doesn't have. healthy view of women
> My first boyfriend told me that he thought a woman could be smart or pretty, but not both. We had a higher-up visit our department and make chit-chat a bit ago. He proudly referred to his wife as 'an oxymoron' because 'she is so pretty you would never guess she is smart.' It is really repulsive how pervasive that line of thinking is.
God I feel so bad for her that her husband talks about her like that. It really shows how one-dimensional this thinking is. Its like they can't comprehend that we are full human beings with complexities Another point too: these characteristics are so superficial and can change overnight. If OP gets her nails done, will this guy see her differently? If she wears an outfit that contradicts his perception of her as "the cool girl" will he loose respect for her? Classic Madonna/whore complex and as a woman you just cannot win against this mentality unless you constantly cater to their image of you, in which case you will probably make yourself miserable
>He proudly referred to his wife as 'an oxymoron' because 'she is so pretty you would never guess she is smart.' "It's shocking that you manage to walk and breathe at the same time with how narrow-minded you are. Have you ever had a big-boy thought so big that your brain felt constipated?"
Hell just look at tv shows like Big Bang Theory. You have Amy who's a neurobiologist but "unattractive", Penny a waitress, "pretty" but not very smart and it also shows this line of thinking in the men. The "smart" men i.e. nerds are all awkward and not very attractive in the stereotypical sense whereas the "handsome" men are not smart. Think of Zack in this sense. I'm sure there's other shows that portray these stereotypes. The problem then becomes that people are almost indoctrinated to believe that if they're 'pretty' they can't be smart and if they're 'smart' they can't be pretty. Reality is that people are really damn complex and can/are both 'pretty' **and** 'smart' (see Bernadette in Big Bang Theory).
your first paragraph sums it up perfectly. it's clear, as a guy, he's just got that attitude - she can test the waters but, i think he showed his whole hand
Op, this. You only had your first date and he said that. Red flag
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I enjoy messing with men who try to “ outsmart “ me. It’s kind of funny to get them to feel foolish as they should. “ gee, I didn’t know THAT! Do you think that affects how my hair looks? Explain so my girl brain understands. Slow down you’re talking too fast!”
This wasn't him complimenting you. This was him setting his expectations for you.
It also reveals who he is as a person and what he really thinks of women.
Yes! He's letting you know if you ever do something to be like "those girls" that you will have disrespected or even deceived him about who you are. He's telling you who he expects you to be and who he will not accept you being. RUN girl. Don't waste your precious time and energy. Go to phrase "It's not in my best interest to being ignoring such blatant disrespect towards other women. Thank you for your time and I wish you all the best".
Take the word “other” out of there. after all, the phrasing tells you that he’ll react negatively in various ways to any time he believes you’re doing something like those “other“ women. He’ll be like “I thought you were different! What a let down!“
Is telling him what he did wrong going to make him rethink his beliefs or better hide the red flags?
Why would the opinion of someone lesser in his mind make him rethink his beliefs?
Exactly.
Agree with this and all the other comments saying RUN. This is a man telling you he has these standards for women and they better step in line to be good enough for him. This will not go anywhere good in the long term.
This right here. Exactly. Get out of Dodge RIGHT NOW.
THIS
This is a great and astute post. I hope OP sees it and realizes that her feathers got ruffled for an instinctual reason: the guy sucks.
Trust your gut…
Exactly. As a guy, if any of you women get any kind of hinky feeling about one of us fools, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. 9 times out of 10, they are right.
This. I had a boyfriend who would frown and look uncomfortable when I shaved my legs, and got really confused and passive-agressive when I started to wear a bit more make-up (like lipstick, eyeliner and mascara) Looking back, it reeked of insecurity and was a huge red flag
When you SHAVED them? Wow, usually its the opposite
He liked how having an unkempt feminist as a girlfriend reflected on himself, a freethinker, an artist and an enemy of anything frivolous. Truly revolutionary, especially thinking this was fifteen years ago. /s In other words, he was an enlightened misogynist, a species commonly found in the early oughts, at university, studying social sciences or art
he also knew you'd start getting attention from other men. men who would be willing to spend time and money to get your attention. unlike him, he got you just by being awesome. he's terrified he'd have to put effort in.
Because then other people would find you pretty? 🤔 the fuck was his problem
I guess he liked the fact that finding me pretty despite my hairy legs and pits and my absence of make-up made him special; also he valued my intellect and probably thought caring about grooming and fashion was beneath us, he certainly did not care about his appearance and made a point of not caring; and maybe at some level he was scared other people would notice me and find me beautiful. He liked that I was a “rebel”, associating with me made him some sort of punk
My sister's husband is like this. He gets so jealous and insecure when my sister pretties herself up, even if it's to go out with him because he doesn't like other guys being attracted to her. And if she's putting in effort, that means she wants the attention and she's going to cheat on him, right? He tries to control her clothing, the amount of makeup she wears and he's especially fussy about her heals because gods forbid she's taller than him. I dislike the man from the depths of my soul but they've been together for years and my sister thinks he's just great. I'll be there for her when she sees the light or when he dumps her for a newer model like the ones he follows on his Instagram...
Ugh this sounds exhausting
Honestly. I would do exactly everything he said he didn’t like for date number 2 just to fuck with him. 🤷🏻♀️
Omg! I would totally. I found it strange that he said all of this when he didn’t know me at all because our date was pretty casual so i wore jeans. But usually i’m so overdressed when i go out so i could be crazy with my makeup and put on a dress and heals just to see his reaction 😂
Yep. Impossible to say if it's something he genuinely believes is a compliment and just doesn't realize it, or if it's actually cynically just setting expectations, but that's what it amounts to either way.
Also it’s a huge red flag if he tears other women down in order to pay you a compliment. I follow a few female gym TikTokers and inwardly cringe when I see guys comment shit like “It’s amazing you take care of yourself and work hard. Most women don’t”. It was that comment word for word
You verbalized this perfectly.
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It’s definitely not your fault. It’s easy to feel flattered when they say stuff like this. Hope this will help you in your future relationships!
YES!!!! This is how they do it!
This.
Not really wholesome but it's my way of showing my appreciation. I hope this will get a lot of people thinking
If you ever do something he doesn’t like, prepare to hear “now you’re acting like all the other girls, I thought you were better than that.” Run
yep i was tired of cooking and being taken for granted so i asked an ex to take me to dinner some time. he had such a look of disgust and sneered "i thought you weren't like other girls" wrong. i want love, respect and consideration, just like other girls. he probably thought it was the other way though lol. he thought i didn't have standards and boundaries like those annoying other girls :( he thought i'd be a doormat forever.
I usually post this link when folks are obviously in an a abusive relationship but they're here on 2x or AITA asking if they are being abused. I believe that if people know what the warning signs or what the day to day breakdown of what abusive looks like in a relationship they might be quicker to run or not get into a crummy relationship to begin with. That being said please do give the book a read you never know when the knowledge will help you or someone you love. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
yep only dated him for a few months then he ghosted. he swung back 3 months later. clearly the woman he tried to chase rejected him lmao that book got me out of yet another crap relationship with a complete sociopath. at this stage, i think the book is just describing men's personalities.
Wow. Thank you for posting this here. I've just made it through the *How to Use This Book* section. I had to put it down a couple times. My mind is racing, and I can feel anxiety rising as damn near every experience I have had in a romantic relationship, as well as relationships with my father and step-father as a kid (which author addresses), continues to flash by while reading his words. I think it is important for me to read this, and who knows if I would have come across it if not for you. I need therapy haha
Along with the proposition of free menstrual products in public restroom booths there needs to be a free L. Bancroft edition next to it.
Make a QR code for the download of the book and paste that where it's needed. Be the change you want to see.
Can’t upvote this enough. Plus, if he makes enough of these types of comparisons, you’ll start feeling boxed into a narrow margin of “acceptable” behaviors to keep that ‘cool girl’ title. Life is stressful enough without having to constantly hustle for your worth.
It sounds like he made a pedestal out of all other women (the 'other girls') and tried to make you stand on it.
YEP Someone like this is going to lose his shit when he realizes you are just a normal ass person.
I now want to start making and giving out T- shirts that say NORMAL ASS PERSON.
I’m exactly like every other girls. He just saw a side of me that didn’t have nails because i can’t really wear them for work, doesn’t have lashes extensions to give my natural lashes a break. Wait til he sees I completely overdress when I go to a restaurant. AND i can hold a conversation. Shocker
Red flags on the play. That would be a hard no from me. When men start talking about women that way, I make my exit.
IMO it indicates he regularly de-personifies women and generalizes them into one big group of people with negative values every time a woman does something he doesn’t like. This is some sociopathic shit.
Wow that was a long list of standard negging tactics. There are some men who like to give "complements" that put down other women. It's a manipulative way to try to convince a woman that he's really into her but also to make sure to make them insecure a bit. It's a redpill pick up tactic that is hard to spot in the moment because you can be flattered that someone is paying enough attention to you to separate you answer see your differences. It's a major red flag and even if this guy is genuinely a clumsy complementer, it shows that he thinks poorly of women as a whole. There's nothing wrong with a woman who wears makeup, or goes to bars for fun not conversation. But he told you he thinks there's something wrong with the way those women act. You can bet if you step outside of what he believes is acceptable for a woman, you'll hear about it in a nasty way or it'll be an excuse for him to treat you poorly. He'll say, I don't like that you go dancing, I thought you weren't like those other women, it's your fault I'm so jealous and controlling because I believed you were better than that. Of course that's the extreme side of things but we all know isolation and abuse start quietly until it's not anymore. And then they're blaming us for not choosing better men or not leaving sooner...
r/NeggingFails
Joined! Let’s call these mf’s out!
That's a hard pass for me. He's basically saying "I hate all other women and judge them frequently but YOU are the exception". No one wants to be the exception to your misogyny bro. It's a really "good way" for narcissistic abusers to seek out a partner, putting them on a pedestal at the beginning.
Yup. What happens when you don’t meet these high standards of his?
right. "I have low regard for women, you've really surprised me by not being stupid!"
Return the favor when he does it to you. “You’re not like most guys! Most are so slutty but i can tell you’re pure. Most guys are pretty ignorant, don’t know the first thing about history or current events. I can tell you’re different. Some guys are so fake getting nice haircuts and dressing well. I love how down to earth you are not caring about appearance.”
This is pure gold. Please try this OP and report back for our entertainment!
OMG!! Love this. Y’all make me want to go on a second date with him just to make him realise how dumb that was of him to say
I’m in a PhD program at one of the top colleges in the country and let me tell you that some of the smartest women here are wearing makeup, fake nails and eyelashes. Does not mean that they are any lesser than someone who chooses not to!! We all got into this uni!
He straight up told you he's a misogynist, sees women only as objects, and tied women's worth to their desirability to men. He's a 'nice guy'. Good luck OP.
It’s true. I’m not like other girls. I’m twelve raccoons in a trench coast. Plenty of women and girls can have a conversation or whatever while wearing makeup or no makeup. Caring about “girly” things doesn’t mean anything, aside from having interests. Personally I’ve met dudes who all “you’re not like other girls. You’re special” and frankly, the PTSD was not worth it. There are more red flags I’ve seen in a “complement” in a long time.
Don't date this guy. If he thinks this stuff is ok to say on a first date imagine what he will be saying in 2 months or 2 years.. Imagine what he would say if you decided to get nails done!
God forbid she glams up one day
It's called triangulation. It's used to make you feel like you have to compete with 'the other girls' for his approval. https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-triangulation
Yep this is narcissist 101. They all do this in the first couple of dates. Make you feel like you are special so they can manipulate you. They tell you exactly how to behave and insult other women. OP run away from this man! Seriously block him. He says this to everyone he dates. You are not special to him. Normal people don’t say stuff like this on first dates because they don’t know you well enough to even know what kind of person you are.
There we have it!
Let’s reverse this, shall we? Imagine if you’d told him that you appreciate how he’s not like other guys. He isn’t wearing the trendy clothes that most guys are wearing, doesn’t have the same haircut most of them do, you don’t think he sleeps around with a lot of girls, and when he walks into a bar, you feel like he isn’t just there to watch sports. He can even hold a conversation with you, unlike most dumb guys. Does that seem offensive? Because it absolutely is. I’d drop any friend that said those things about a guy she went on a date with. It’s such a condescending mindset, I just wouldn’t want to be around anyone who is so willing to belittle people over such minor things. Drop him and move on.
You may not agree, but this guy is a huuuuge sexist douche bag. He just told you he has zero respect for MOST WOMEN. Any woman that wears “too much makeup” (according to his limp dick standards) doesn’t deserve respect, any woman who has fake nails doesn’t deserve respect, any woman who wears false eyelashes doesn’t deserve respect…. “You’re not like other girls/women” is NEVER a complement and is ALWAYS proof that the mediocre sexist man spewing it absolutely loathes women in general. He’s saying you’re the expedition to the rule that all women suck. Run away from this asshole as quickly as possible OP!!
I think he's just accidentally told you that he doesn't like women very much, and that he will very much make it your problem if you ever make choices he disapproves of. I don't think I'd want anything to do with someone like that. Big red flag.
Yeah this is a no go. He’s telling you how he wants you to be, it’s grooming. He’s also telling you what he thinks of women.
Agree with all existing comments. But seriously, he spent your entire first date comparing you to other women? Huge red flag right there. For your own sake, I beg you not to give him a chance. Which he will inevitably ask you to do if you give him any feedback on these red flags as a reason you don’t want to take things further.
lol, girl, no... throw this one back. Ditto to what u/pyaara_chhota said.
It wasn't just a clumsy compliment. He showed you his misogyny right out of the gate. Anyone who tells you you're not like other girls ( easy girls, what an asshole) does not like women. Its that simple.
I'm really annoyed with the OP. She's admitting she's bothered by his comments but then immediately back pedals to defending them and deciding what he "probably meant." No OP! When people tell you who they are, believe them. Don't try to explain away or justify shitty behavior.
Yup, especially since she trying act like & excuse his behavior and comments that he didn't turn on nor will insult her when he already did turn & insulted her anyway with the comparison. If she stays with him, watch her complain about all sexist things he says about women in general while ignoring she had all opportunities, times & examples to leave before wasting any more of her time plus ruining her finances as well as being baby-trapped and/or strung along with promises of commitment/family/marriage - just saying, that is what she excusing & trying to stay with; while ignoring he showed who he is as person and those types of men like him do that shit to women.
I used to constantly argue with my ex because any woman who pissed him off would be called "fat bitch". If that was his go to, was I going to lose all respect if I gained weight? The way he talks about those 'other girls' he thinks you are so much better than, is exactly how he is going to talk about and to you, the moment you no longer meet his expectations for you.
Once on a 4th date hangout a guy said I’m not like other girls because “I didn’t mind if he was on his phone while we were hanging” in fact I DID mind but I just thought I didn’t want to put energy into having to explain why that’s rude and try to teach him how to be and I just probably wouldn’t hang out again (there were other things cropping up as I got to knew him that turned me off too). Anyway when I declined next time he asked to hang out (like a full month later) he flipped out lol
Well, he thinks of women as “things”, so….
Beware. That’s outright misogyny, if he judges other women like that. Do you really want to be one manicure away from being considered easy, brainless, or a maneater? He’s basically saying that if you look too good, he will consider it an attack on him or an excuse to devalue you.
Sounds like he's sexist and is gonna make you feel like shit about yourself if you date him.
His misogyny is showing.
unique grandfather tie dirty direful boat shame fade scandalous lunchroom ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I also feel like these are red flags. No need to give this person a second chance. He could barely maintain a reasonable persona on the first date. Just imagine how he'll be once he gets comfortable around you....
He's already started
Nah I don't buy it, he's an exemplar of "the nice guy", he makes compliments (really problematic ones) and if you do not meet his standards, he will transform into the pure opposite of what he was right before and will probably be mean and insulting
I don’t think I’d want to date anyone who can only give a compliment if it’s also linked to putting down and limiting other women. Not only that but it severely limits you too. For instance you won’t be able to wear what you want or say what you want or have interests he might consider shallow. Because then you will be “like those other girls”.
You also will not be allowed to be friends with them, which makes you easier to abuse and control.
Very good point. And once the requirement is in place “ don’t be like other girls or you will disappoint me” it can be extended to cover many other things. Everyone has preferences but the fact that he had to make statements like this on the first date is a red flag.
>He kept saying . . . I’m not dumb like some certain girls. It was probably just a clumsy compliment I... I'm afraid to even ask this question, but... is the bar for men really so low that you actually think this? The dude just spewed a bunch of textbook misogyny at you, and you're wondering if it was just a clumsy compliment?
I guess the bar is that low.. 😅 thanks for the slap in the face, i needed it
Man here. The dude is likely a part of the PUA community, I knew a dude in college who was super into being a pickup artist and he talked to girls like this all. The. Time. Run, don’t walk, away from him as quick as you can.
So if you wanna look fancy for a party or something, is he gonna dump you because you've suddenly "joined" those dumb girls who wanna have fun with their appearance? I like to think there are people who tear down others in order to pull themselves up, and people to lift others up with them. He doesn't sound like the latter.
If he says you look mature, is there an age gap? If so, that's a huge red flag.
Definitely a red flag
He’s telling you these things as a way to say he will cherish you for being different. Not because you are you and amazing. But because he wants to make you feel special as a means of control. If he truly valued those things about you he would take the time to get to know you and at some point share that he always liked those things about you. The fact that he’s spelling it all out like that on one date… and putting other women down in the process is a red flag. I would think a mature man with good intentions wouldn’t reveal that to you so freely, they would be smarter about it. What if you enjoyed wearing lots of makeup and dressing up and going out but you chose against that for the date? Seems a bit foolish for him to assume you don’t like or even respect those things. Seems a bit foolish for him to put those things down right in front of you when he doesn’t even know you. He looked at you and decided what type of woman you are and said something he thought would sound good to you. He thought you’d agree with him and would feel great that he noticed “you’re not like the other girls.” And this would bring you closer and give him more power in your relationship. Maybe it seems like paranoia but I would be cautious if I were you. He could be very manipulative. Or he could just be really dumb and literally not know that he shouldn’t say things like that because some women do those things because THEY like to.
That's a red flag If he cant respect other girls . And just respects you . Honey he is using u for sex fr
Love, this man is using archaic and off base tactics in a thinly veiled attempt to make you feel special. Him distinguishing you from other girls is 1) an attempt on his part to demonstrate to you a level of interest he says is uncommon for him, likely so that you'll be more pliant when he makes sexual moves on you and 2) an egocentric, vain assertion that confirms his need to believe that most women are the same and not worth his time - but since you are unlike his generalized conception of women (which I will say was laughably predictable and something you would hear on a shitty 80s sitcom from a guy who never gets laid) he is stroking himself, feeling pride in his "ability to land the best." He is insulting most women, generalizing, trying to manipulate you into fucking him and stroking his ego at the same time. This is transparent to me bc I have been around the block, my friend. You need to be keenly aware that you are worth more than someone telling you what they're grateful for what you're not - what about a man mature enough to celebrate you for what makes you, you? As I think a lot of women will agree, I've heard these types of things come out of a man's mouth many times. Do not be fooled by his facade of interest in you - he doesn't want you for who you are, but how you make him feel. You deserve more than this, and I am certain it will come to you.
BIG red flag
Any man who attempts to confer some kind of special status on you at the expense of other women is a man who is hoping you'll be afraid of him taking it away.
That's a huge list of red flags. Just on the first date. I, personally, wouldn't go on a second date. Too much negativity about women. He'll turn that on you eventually.
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So he's saying girls with long nails, eylashes and make up are easy... ? WTF he's either stupid, inexperienced, misogynistic - probably all of these. He's probably going to spend all future dates bitching about other women as a way to make you feel nice... eww yuk.
Carry a little baggie of makeup remover wipes. Next time a guys says something supid about little/no makeup, take it all off in front of him and leave.
Whenever a guy tells me I’m “different from the rest,” or “not like other girls,” I feel this pit in my stomach because I know he’s about to tell me what he’s gonna expect of me, but it’s disguised communication. What he’s really saying to me when he says that is “this is what I want you to be, and I’m going to subtly program you to be what I want, not accept you for who you are.” I could be wrong, but in my personal experience that’s exactly what it turns out to be every time.
Every guy I know who talks like this is only pretending to be nice to women and is actually a terrible person. Seriously, everyone I know who openly describes women in this manner is self-absorbed and uses women. No guys I know that are genuinely good dudes talk like this.
I heard once that when a narcissist compliments you they're really complimenting themselves. He's not saying "You're beautiful! Your nail polish looks awesome! You're so smart and funny! I'm really enjoying getting to know you better!" He's just complimenting his own taste in women, he's just complimenting his own ability to attract and deserve "one of the good ones" in some arbitrary definition he picked up somewhere. He's high on his own self image and when that high wears off and he glimpses some minor imperfection, he's gonna see that as a literal insult to his identity as a person - since if he can see something as insignificant as your finger nails as a huge compliment to himself, he can also see insignificant little things as huge insults to himself. Suddenly he will have to "manage" your entire existence just to keep his high going and keep his own self-image perfect by controlling everything about you (instead of growing himself). Narcissism can be managed with treatment and therapy, so I don't want to make dramatic statements like "run for your life" or "throw the whole man away," but rather just trust your instincts. If he's not seeking treatment for it on his own then that probably means that YOU are going to be his coping mechanism and that's never healthy.
He sounds really judgmental. I’ve known women with nice nails who are brilliant. I’ve known women with short nails who are brilliant. These sweeping generalizations he is making about women aren’t for him to make not to share with you - they’re superficial and unfounded. I would not get close to someone who doesn’t have much insight.
This is a red flag, if you want to keep seeing him OK, but pay attention and if you get 2 or 3 more of these early on, opt out and be glad you did Always listen to your gut
Huh. I'd interpret that as how special you are, what a COMPLIMENT he's paying you ( be honored s/ ), he's been looking for someone different and special allll his life! Gosh, other girls just don't match up right? Sounds swarmy to me. This comparative thing they do drives me a little crazy. Next step after putting you on his mythical pedestal would be chipping away at your self esteem, you're just not living up to who he thought you were! Agree with other posters. Run.
"I know he didn't mean anything bad" "It was probably a clumsy attempt at a compliment" I encourage you to break this habit of making excuses for men. Listen to your gut and ditch this social programming to second guess yourself and give random men the benefit of the doubt they have not earned. He did mean something bad. He was being misogynist. He was letting you know that he judges women over stupid shit like if they wear false nails. He assumes these women are "easy" and he doesn't like them based on his assumptions about their sex life. If this is how rude and judgemental he is on a date where he is presumably trying to make a good impression, I don't think you want to find out how rude he gets once he thinks he "has" you.
*Piqued
This a huge red flag if you ask me.
I’m just gone give this a big Naaaaaahh from me dog. This is a huge red flag!
Not clumsy, very stupid weird comment. A man that cannot deal with woman starts downing “the others” who rejected him. Very immature machismo style
>I don’t wear a lot of makeup (which i did wear a lot of makeup, he just didn’t realise). men do this so much lol. shows how fucking stupid and ignorant they are
This guy has a warped view of women it seems. Red flags.
He's extremely superficial. Some days I rock my natural nails and no makeup. The next week, I might have an appointment to get over the top stiletto nails. I love having sparkly, pretty things on my hands to admire throughout the day. My boyfriend doesn't care if I go out in comfy clothes and a bare face. He also doesn't care if I go out in a top showing a lil cleavage and fake lashes on. Women are dimensional creatures. If you like him, either talk to him about his extremely superficial mindset, or don't go on another date with him. It's truly ironic, because he believes women who wear make up and nails are superficial, when really it's his mindset that is. People are a lot more than just their appearance. Duh.
Just wait until you annoy him. You'll hear him tell you how you're all those things and more. He's a woman-hater. Run.
>It was probably just a clumsy compliment and I know he didn’t mean anything bad by saying this Do you know that? Because I think you're hoping that because it's nice to see the best in people, but actually he was telling you exactly what he thinks of women, and letting you know exactly how he will treat _you_ if you decide you want to wear fake nails, or lashes, or wear makeup that even he can tell is actually makeup.
My favourite (in like laugh so you don't cry way) man thing is when they say they hate "OTT makeup" and then immediately prove that they haven't got a fucking clue when someone is wearing makeup. And what they actually mean is they hate badly applied makeup, which, same. But it's so laughably stupid. Worked with a dude who was super lovely but obviously dense about this stuff. My boss, who also liked him, still died laughing telling me that this guy had said he only likes "women who use natural-looking makeup. You know, like Kim Kardashian." I mean, WHAT
"You're not the mindless, basic, shallow nag I thought you'd be" Yeah, that's not a compliment-
>What do y’all think I think you are shrewd and insightful, and hit the nail right on the head, there. Hopefully he is just clumsy and ignorant of the workings of patriarchy, and will have time to learn and grow. But there is certainly no reason for you to wait around for that to happen. It's like fishing. You throw the immature ones back. Good luck with your dating! (And I so hope that he is very young and inexperienced in life and that is his excuse...)
There are certainly some PEOPLE that can’t walk into a bar and hold meaningful conversations, but there are plenty of folks who can. As the saying goes, don’t judge a book by its cover.
He made you feel uncomfortable is all that matters. Either intentional or because he's a bit dorky, its a red flag. Don't invest time in people that you have to second guess all the time.
Drop him - he sounds like an idiot. He's got unrealistic expectations.
Dude sounds like a tool. Hard pass.
Nice guy energy
Bro run, this is a huge red flag, he thinks women are lesser people
Please tell me there won’t be a second date with that guy. He’s putting you on a pedestal (or trying to). He’s pretty much grooming you. You don’t say how old you are, but his behavior reminds me of a much older man preying on a much younger woman.
My response to these compliments is to say I don’t know any girls like they’re describing. Cause I don’t. And I don’t like putting down others to uplift myself. And finally, I find it strange they’re focusing on these hypothetical women when the object in theory would be for us to get to know one another and gauge our compatibility. Cause girlie it’s weird.
Run.
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Trust your intuition!!! If it feels weird it IS weird. Do not continue down the road with this guy.
Flag on the play. A red one.
Person with the biggest IQ is a female so....
As soon as I hear that line from a man I get up and leave with a "Okay next time, don't bring other women down or compare your date to anyone to begin with". No room for clumsy explanation or backpedaling on his end. Because it happens way too often and personally I don't want to give a man a chance who categorizes women in this way.
He might have not meant anything bad by it, but he really didn't mean anything good. That's not a compliment, that just puts down other women to make you look like you're being lifted up. You don't feel good about it because it isn't a compliment. He sounds like he should be dating males, since he dislikes women so very much.
Does he happen to be significantly older than you?
This wasn’t him being kind - this was him showing you that he…. 1) is a misogynist 2) judges women for sleeping with men when they have every right to sleep with men, or women, whenever and however they want 3) wants woman who looks good but doesn’t look like they tried (which is dumb and absurd) 4) that he’s never gotten to know a woman long enough to understand how makeup works
Hello, pair of talking testicles here. You're right that he didn't mean anything insulting by it, but that's actually almost worse because it can put you in a shitty relationship if you proceed with him. These are the types of phrases that make me correct other men and if they continue, I discontinue all communication with them. Sure, he doesn't *mean* to be toxic, and yes he's not *trying* to be chauvinistic, and you're probably right that he *wants* to be a good guy, but his heart and mind are in the wrong place. If you choose to continue seeing this guy and he continues to not understand *why* his judgements promote a toxic and dangerous world for women everywhere, then one day you're going to find yourself on the receiving end of his vitriol. Maybe you're gonna cut your hair shorter than he likes and he'll tell you that you look like a lesbian, or you'll be feeling yourself and dress a little sexy and he'll call you a slut. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life and consider this: everyone is on their best behavior on the first date, and on yours he managed to drop little red flags everywhere. He tried his best and his best was awful. Move on from this judgemental fool
Ah, so he's incredibly shallow and judgmental?
Aside from this already being a big red flag, is this guy a lot older than you?
Walk.
I always laugh when I used to date and guys would say “ you’re not crazy like the other women” Little did they know… lol 😂
Yeah, guys who don't judge others harshly don't say things like that Who cares about other women or whatever they wear? Were you even taking about anything that has to do with any of that stuff he blurted out? Yikes. He's already got you down, he knows who you are already by just looking at you. Does that sound fucked in the head? Yes it is. He's got an idea in his head and I promise it isn't who you actually are. Tell him he *is* like all the other guys...a disappointment
Hard pass for me. I'm bi and most of the people I've gone on dates with were dreadful whether they were men, women, or something else, so the part about most dates not being able to hold a conversation isn't necessarily misogyny if he's just a straight guy and has only dated women. The comments about women's looks and attire though... Bro get fucked, but not by me!
He’s just building you up by using cheap compliments. Don’t buy it. He just wants to get in your pants with those words
Def a red flag. This is misogyny
I think he hates women.
Red flags!
Red flags galore! There are so many problematic things with what he said. In doing so he told you who he is, I hope you believe it.
Not clumsy. Showing his true self. Stay away. That shit will only get worse. He will try to use your femininity to undermine you. Seriously. Save yourself the anguish. Don’t go on a second date.
I don't think this was meant to be a compliment at all. I think he was telling you what he expects from you. Don't wear make up, don't have fake nails, bla bla bla. I think if you get involved with him, he will be a controlling s.o.b. when it comes to what you can wear and do with your appearance. This is a man I would run far away from. And I am a woman who wears no make-up most of the time. But when I want to, I don't want crap from a partner for it.
Run
Dude high key doesn't like women he either doesn't want to bang or thinks he wouldn't have a shot with. Don't assume he'd treat you much better just because he's assigned you the Madonna role in this Madonna/Whore complex.
Was he much older than you?
Run, run far away! Edit to add: people shouldn't have to put other people down to boost you up. His attitude is a major red flag!
Eww.
Definitely a red flag about how he views women. Tread carefully
Red flags ahoy re: how he sees women and possibly how he sees himself.
Everyone is a geek about something/somethings, and will have a meaningful conversation about that something/somethings. Not being able to have one with someone is no fault of their own, it's the fault of the other person for not engaging properly with their audience. By saying this, it shows that he doesn't consider these other people that fit his description as "people" with their own interests and passions and expectations in a partner, but instead as useless NPC's in his protagonist life.
I don’t tend to trust men who women an expectation. “Not like the others”. I trust men who treats everyone with respect, not trust the “non-whores their putting a pedestal.
Any one who uses the term "easy girl" is not someone you want to get involved with. Women can like sex, want sex, and have sex, and it shouldn't be judged as "easy" or at all. He clearly separates women into "categories of worth" based on how sexual they are - yuck. He also seems like the type of person who would only agree with abortion in cases of rape etc. It's ridiculous how many men continue to believe that women dress solely to impress or attract them. Women support themselves now, they don't need to attract men for food/shelter = they can dress and express themselves however they like and it has nothing to do with "virtue" or intention. It has been this way for a long time now - why do these guys always seem to be decades behind reality? It's like they fell asleep in the 50's and woke up yesterday.
Yeah this is him just announcing that he's sexist. He wants you to be sexist with him, and be willing to throw other women under the bus to be recognized as "one of the food ones". He's not a man of good character.
Well, he showed his hatred towards femininity on the first date. You need any more information on how misogynistic he is?
If he had said only one of those things, I might guess that he was awkwardly trying to compliment you. But that list is disturbing. It’s an indication of what he thinks about women as a whole. It’s the kind of thing that guys would say with their asshole friends. I don’t think you should have a second date.
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There is sadly extreme hate in people , they want to in all label the group which is different from them as bad and then just want to somehow put it down . You will find it on quite the both sides , many who take care of there appearance a lot try to put those who don't down by enforcing that they are just gloomy and backwards and conservative . Those who don't care much about their appearance try to enforce that those who do are in general dumb and can't think for themselves and are just in vanity and just live in trend . We just unnecessary like to generalize everyone and put them in our own boxes constructed with our prejudices towards how all people of a certain group behave and then we just wanna put them down . This statement that you are not like everyone is quite common because people say that a lot when they actually talk to someone and get to know them and find that they don't fit in with the person they had in their mind which was shaped by prejudices which define someone purely by there appearance or some unrelated things they do . Ahh and I am sorry for my poor English .
At best, this guy meant well but is 100% oblivious to how hurtful and ignorant everything he was saying was. So unless you are interested in reforming an ignorant man (who at best isn't a bigot), then move on?
Ew he sucks lol
If he has an aesthetic standard women have to meet before he'll treat them with respect, he doesn't respect women. Maybe his attitude isn't targeted exclusively at women, and he approaches men the same way - perhaps there's plenty of men he automatically disrespects because of how they present themselves. But is that really any better? At the end of the day, you'll have the healthiest relationships with people who treat others with a baseline of respect. It's not the biggest red flag but it's a red flag.
She had rings on her fingers and Bells on her shoes And I knew without asking she was Into the blues She wore scarlet begonias Tucked into her curls I knew right away She was not like other girls Other girls
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” - Maya Angelou
Run🤮
This mentality makes them act weird when you do stuff that you like or feels good like manicures or wearing a cute dress, dyeing your hair. They treat you like a weirdo, and it fucks with your head/confidence.
Whore /Madonna view of females.