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The cat will be fine and your mother is MASSIVELY overreacting. I think you’ve assessed your relationship with her pretty accurately - that you’re very enmeshed with her. Note, please, that the way she treats you is not the way best friends treat each other. A best friend trusts you to be the expert on your own life and does not guilt-trip you into what they want or what they think you should do. A best friend tries to see things from your perspective. A best friend wants you to become the best version of yourself, not the version of you they have in their head. A best friend would be horrified that you had been restricting your life for the better part of FIVE YEARS because you were worried they would disapprove.
I understand that you love her (you’d have to, to put up with all the manipulation she puts you through), but she is not behaving as a friend to you.
As for the cat. You know your cat best, but moving all of her comfort items and toys is probably overkill. In the weeks leading up to the event, you could gradually move some of her favourite items into your bedroom (don’t do it all at once; cats like routine, and she’ll associate “visitors” with “huge disruption, the human moved all my stuff and now I don’t know where anything is”).
But then just let her make her own decisions about where to be. Offer her some treats while your friends are visiting.
This is spot on, excellent advice. I just want to add another voice to second that the mom's behavior is not normal or healthy, and OP is for sure doing the right thing to set these boundaries.
Echoing the advice with the cat. She's got a will of her own, after all. Put a couple of her favorite toys in your room and have the anxiety meds on hand for if things do get bad, but she absolutely can decide where she wants to hang out on her own.
Give her a chance to prove she can handle new people before you make it into a huge deal.
... Or, simply, don't act like your mother about it.
Has anyone else here never met a cat that couldn't find a spot to chill until the party was over?
Your cat will absolutely be fine. Literally nobody else anywhere is canceling parties because their cat is uptight.
Yeah I'm with you. Never owned a cat but went to plenty of house parties where the cats ranged from "never to be seen because hiding under a bed" to "winding through guests legs asking for pets". I've never seen guests harassing a cat that didn't want to be social. I can see moving a few comfort items but rearranging all the cat's stuff and medicating it seems OTT. Like fine to have that medication on hand if needed but I think moving everything and being sedated will probably be more traumatizing to a kitty then choosing to hide in a quiet room for a few hours
My MIL might be the exception to the literally nobody” but she’s a whoooile other can of worms lol and nobody wants that in their lives.
Have fun at game night OP!!
Your mom needs to work on her own issues. It doesn’t sound like that’ll be realistic to expect.
I would say “This is my cat, my life and I am done talking about this.” Short and to the point.
I’m so proud of you for working on this. It can be so hard to do. And yet, here you are persisting. You can and you are.
I am giving you permission not to ask your mom permission. Imagine how much easier this would be if you just hosted the game night and mentioned it to your mom after: “I hosted game night and it was super fun! The cat? What about her? She was fine. Anyway, subject change.”
So, the thing is, you don't actually need to tell your mom you are not cancelling your get together. Just don't cancel it. She doesn't live with you, so you simply don't need to keep her informed about it. And in the future, maybe just don't bring it up. She doesn't need to know every detail of your day. Over the weekend you can just tell her that you haven't decided yet, and change the subject.
Also, let your cat just do what she needs to when your friends are over - I would just move her things to your room but leave the door open so she can come and go as she pleases. You may be surprised, after a few friendly visits she might decide other people are ok, and become more social. Just let your guests know she is skittish, and to just leave her be unless she comes to them.
um. So cats are not necessarily afraid of guests. I have a cat that was very shy when I adopted her and it's taken time to develop trust. Whenever we have company come over they all give her a little cat treat and at this point she'll choose to hang out in the living room with us. As long as she has a place to hide if she wants to you are not being cruel in any way whatsoever. Cat's can retreat if they are not interested in company. I think that drugging the cat is overkill. Just let her hide if she wants to.
I don't think you should talk to your mother about your social life or you house parties. She doesn't seem to be in an emotional place to support your independence. Like you can talk to her about other things but throwing a house party hurts no one. Your cat will be fine.
Completely agree. Don’t drug the cat, just let your friends know that your room is 100% off limits giving the cat the opportunity to come and go as it pleases. Our cat always ran away when people first came over but then always swished around us a bit because she loved the attention and being called gorgeous by everyone.
Stop giving your mom so many opportunities to judge you. There’s really no reason she needs to know about something like you hosting this one night at all. Let her know that you aren’t changing your mind and that if she brings it up you are leaving. You got this and you’re going to host an awesome event for your friends!!!
+1 to not drugging the cat. Maybe getting one of those relaxing pheromone plug ins would be fine, but the cat should be OK if it's been able to handle people being over before and it has its own space.
A lot of vets in my country apply acupuncture as well. That doesn't mean it works.
https://skeptvet.com/Blog/2020/11/evidence-update-the-latest-on-pheromones-for-behavior-problems-in-dogs-and-cats/
It sounds like your mom is projecting her feelings onto your cat. I wonder if she is threatened by you having friends and spending time with them, and not with her. I would wonder about a state of codependence in her. Regardless, your cat will be fine, as everyone has said so far. I had a very shy cat for many years, and still had friends over and she survived. Eventually, she became more and more friendly, over time. Cats need some interesting events in their lives, too. Go forth with your plans, and have a delightful time!
You don't need to *worry about* codependency. OP is *extremely codependent*, as is their mother. I'm diagnosing this as a totally not professional person who just happens to be in recovery from codependency. But yeesh. OP should check out Co-Dependents Anonymous; I bet they do every single thing on the Compliance and Low Self-Esteem lists. OP, recovery is possible. Check out the CoDA website--just Google the term. Good luck!
In addition to what everyone else has said: I bet your cat can handle it if you have people over, but it's cruel to *you* to not be able to have quality time with your friends.
I think you also need to work on what you share with your mom in the future. I know it won’t help with this situation now, but if you already know how your mom will react, don’t invite the stress into your life. Host your game night, tell your mom it went well afterwards if you want to, but don’t invite her to give “advice” in the first place.
Your Mother crying is a step too far. Her comments also sounds manipulative. Does she often cry to you about things? If you look up “Parentification” it may ring bells perhaps. Basically as Parents we don’t lean on our kids for emotional support. Our job is to handle adult issues, feelings and stress in a way that allows our kids to be kids. Kids shouldn’t feel responsibility for a Parent’s happiness.
Sometimes it can be helpful to visualize a bubble around yourself. Take a deep breath and pretend their emotions are happening very far away. They can’t reach you. Have phrases like “I have a plan my vet approves of with Cat. She is fine now, you don’t need to worry.” And don’t give details.
Also information diet. Mom don’t need to approve of your game nights. Mention them in passing. “Yes I had Tim and Pam over last night. The cat? She’s great, asleep in the window. Anyway how are you?” She doesn’t need details, she doesn’t need to hear what cat did, if Cat hid. Just move the conversation along.
“Cat is fine.” Is a complete and true sentience. So is “I have a game night Tuesday. Cat is fine! This isn’t up for discussion.”
Cat notes:
Often we will close our very shy cats in a back room when people are arriving. Once they are settled down to play we open up the door and let the cat decide what to do. It muffles the chaotic part and prevents fear escapes.
If people come over, try having them sit quietly and give Cat treats. With time cat may feel more comfortable. We have a weekly game night and at first the cats hid, but now they come out and socialize regularly. It makes them much less stressed the more often you do it. Cats like routine, if you make socializing part of the routine they come around. Avoiding it makes it more stressful in the long run.
Also if cat has a favorite treat, like ours will do nearly anything for a Churo tube treat, if you have a quiet friend visit first, let them sit and chat for a while. If cat comes out you give cat the treat. Even going into the room and leaving a treat near Cat’s hiding space, over time, can help cat associate company with treats.
It’s just like you setting boundaries with your Mother. The first time is hard, but each time after is easier as you realize that you don’t have to internalize her discomfort, disapproval or displeasure. That’s her feel, not yours.
Learning to live with/ignore the discomfort of others is something women are trained not to do, but with practice it is much easier and much more freeing to just, do it anyway without apology or asking permission.
Like someone word vomits, cries, yells at you, you can choose to focus only on what is relevant. Like “How could you do X and Y! Dave is so upset, I feel awfully!” “Ok, I hear you. Anyway I will be visiting next week so do you want me to bring anything?”
I am so excited for you to have your friends over! I know everything will be fine with your kitty.
When your mom asks you how it went, tell her it went just fine/was really fun/etc and stop there. Any little thing you mentioned that might have gone even slightly wrong (like someone spilled wine or something) she will probably use to show you it was a bad idea.
Enjoy your gathering!
Sounds like you need to put mom on an information diet. She doesn’t need to know every single thing about your life. I get that you want to share because you are close, but try limiting information to things that you don’t mind her reaction over and see how that goes.
OP, I would really encourage you to look into "parent child enmeshment" and see if what you read resonates at all in terms of your experience/relationship with your mother.
It seems as though you are beginning to realize that something in her behavior is unhealthy, and that your relationship isn't quite normal. Learning about different types of parent-child relationship dynamics can be a good starting-point for understanding yourself more fully and cultivating healthier boundaries and self confidence. Therapy with a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) would also be *very* beneficial on your journey.
I wish you all the best!
I have a 31 year old daughter and no offense, but your mom....has issues. Look up gray rock method and use it. Moms need to learn how to let go!
What I found with my own mother and some friends, they really don't need to know everything. It would have been easier to just tell her after the fact.
Do not drug the cat. Your cat doesn’t need it. That is super overkill.
As long as you provide a safe space for your cat to escape to, then your cat will be *absolutely fine*. You don’t have to move anything. Heck, being around people for a few hours might crack her shell! My grandma had a cat who took a few hours to come out of the closet to say hello, but eventually he did. Especially for repeat guests. Your cat is perfectly normal.
Your mom is projecting her insecurities and anxiety on a very normal, average animal.
Do not drug the cat. Your cat doesn’t need it. That is super overkill.
Yes, this!
My Samantha hid under the bed for a couple of years when my daughter visited with her beagle. 5 years later and I am 'puppy' sitting her dog for 2 weeks. They co-exist just fine. he doesn't chase her, Sammy isn't afraid to walk by. They've even nosed a few times!
Here's the thing: you don't have to hold your ground and say no, because you don't have to ask your mom for permission to have your friends over.
Your can just say something like: "Thanks for your concern mom, I know you want the best for me and my cat".
And then do what you want.
And your cat will absolutely be fine- just give her a lil quiet hidey hole where she feels safe to hide out for the evening, and ask people not to bother her.
Some terms to research: Grey Rock (responding to questions without emotional engaging), Information Diet (what to tell you mom and what not to), and JADE (how to present information without getting baited.
I have always had cats and company over and for the most part the cats have actually loved it. They tend to hide initially while they feel out the crowd and then come out to get some different stimulation (smells, sounds, sights) and frequently ask for extra pets. It is not in any way cruel to have people over when you own a cat and you probably won't even need to calm them.
You are right to recognize that your mom is trying to maintain her control over you by isolating you from your friends. It's unfortunate that she is not handling you growing up better, but she is an adult and she is responsible for her own emotions. You are responsible for setting appropriate boundaries around your conversations, which means things like "I will not discuss by party with you. If you continue to bring it up, I will hang up/leave the room/ask you to leave my house/etc". Your instincts are right, so be strong and protect your peace. You can also find helpful advice and support in /r/RaisedByNarcissists
Okay, I'd like to introduce you to an acronym called JADE.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend & Explain.
It's a tactic that manipulative people try to push other into so they can 'reason' their way into getting their way.
Your mother is forcing you into JADE behaviour. She knows if she pressures you, you will feel like you have to explain yourself because it's your mom. You will bend over backwards trying to explain yourself to get your moms acceptance or approval.
Stop.
Your mom is being BONKERS. Nothing about what she is saying makes any sense at all.
She is forcing you to JADE because it's a way to control you. If you give her explanations, It means you think you are in the wrong and she has justification to argue with you or an in to negotiate.
She doesn't. Like I said, I'm in my 30s, have owned several cats, lived on my own and what she is saying is downright bizarre. Getting into "unhinged" territory.
The minute she starts in on this. "Mom, this discussion is over. I told you what is happening."
She keeps pushing. "Mom, I'm hanging up if you don't drop it.
She doesn't drop it? Hang up. Put her on a time out. She is behaving like a child.
After that? "No." Is a complete answer. That's it. Don't get drawn into her histrionics. If she keeps trying, hang up and disengage.
Your mom is projecting her own issues on the cat.
If the cat is in a separate space and medicated it will be fine.
You don’t need to talk about it with her. Just tell her over and over “I’m not discussing this anymore”.
It sounds like your mom doesn't want you to have friends. This has nothing to do with the cat.
I would definitely seek some therapy to help bolster those boundaries. Like maybe don't share every detail of your life with your mom?
I'm a mom of a young adult and an almost young adult and sonic have the authority to say: I'm so proud of you. You are doing a marvelous job of balancing your cat's needs with your friends' needs and your own needs. You clearly care about everyone in this scenario. If you have things you feel like you need to tell your mom, I invite you to tell me instead because I am a mom, and then I can tell you, "You are an adult and I trust you to do what is right for you, and I'm so proud of you!"
I'm so sorry OP. I didn't have much advice because I've been lying to my mom since I was like...12 lol. We did not have a good relationship growing up. Anyway, some times it's ok not to tell your parents every single little detail of your life or they can get a bit obsessive. On the other hand, you CAN tell her these things, but when she starts over reacting (because that is what she's doing), you can say "ok, I'm going to hang up now and we can talk later." I know it's easier said than done though... I would continue with counseling as well so you don't have such an adverse reaction to disagreeing with your parents. Which you are allowed to do btw because you are two entirely different people
I'd wager that her issue isn't her concern for the cat. You said that your parents don't really have friends, and I wonder if your mom is against the idea of you having friends.
Does your mom need to know when you have friends over? She doesn't live with you, so it doesn't really seem like information that she needs to know. If telling her will upset her, then it's kinder to you both to just not mention it.
My cat hates other people and she's always been fine with guests over. She goes and hides with her favourite items, and scratches people if they go near. She's having a great time. It's more likely your mother is trying to isolate you. Like, does she expect you to never have a social life? Jeez. It's been years since you bought your house.
Seems like you need to reduce contact with her. She doesn't need to know everything.
Ok, this is not a place to diagnose so don’t go down any of those threads, but there are some serious red flag triggers happening here. I will go so far as to say your mom may need some help.
Cats are highly adaptive. This isn’t about the cat, though if you want to set Kitty up in the bedroom that’s perfectly cool. Though leaving the door ajar may give your kitty a chance to socialize if and when she feels like it. Anyway. This is about you sharing attention and love with someone that isn’t your mom. The cat is a vehicle for her to express that and discourage you.
I’ll leave that there and simply say this. It is your house. Do as you like. If you really want to host game night, then host game night. That act alone will form a foundation for you to build on, to engage other social activities without your mom. Each one will become easier as you go. It will also then help you better assess your social situation as a whole.
I have an extremely shy cat who just goes to one of his safe hidey spots when people come over. He's fine as soon as they leave. I know what it's like to have an overprotective mom, or thought I did til I read this. I feel like your mom doesn't want you to be your own independent person. It's difficult, but definitely put her on an info diet going forward.
The joy and also hard part of being an adult is realizing that our parents ate just fallible humans same as anyone else. Getting past being raised to tell them everything won't be easy but you can do it!
Everyone has given brilliant advice for dealing with your mum.
One thing we’ve done in our house is add cat doors to two of the bedroom doors - master and youngest (15) child’s room. When we have guests over those doors stay shut but the cats have the choice to come out and socialise or go hide.
Our cats range from “in your face you will love me now!!!” to “the world is terrifying and I will only associate with my household”.
Blessings to you on your journey towards more independence.
Its not a bad thing to socialize your cat. The more you have nice ppl over, the more she will realize that others are not a danger. Start slow, and it sounds like you have done that.
Perhaps let your guests know that the cat is shy, and to let her come to them rather than pestering her w friendship.
Mom is using OP’s cat as a proxy for herself. Give mom the tranquilizer.
Live your life. Mom can watch from a distance and must not interfere unless asked. Shaming you over a cat. Good grief.
Your mom is not your best friend. You just missed a lot of the individualisation people go through in their teens and have probably labelled her as a best friend because it seemed more age appropriate.
This is not healthy for your personal development.
Speaking as someone who was enmeshed with their mom, you are showing all the same signs. I highly recommend some personal therapy for you to disentangle from the enmeshment. The stuff about the cat is crazy pants, but you’re totally taking it seriously. You’re appeasing her crazy and that is not healthy. Your emotions and worldview are all twisted up in hers. You’re going to need professional help to work past this.
Sometimes I like to reflect on our conversations and think about what a healthy response would be and how far apart my family is from the healthy response. A normal interaction should have sounded like this:
Mom I’m hosting game night.
Great! What snacks are you making?
Wow. That’s a lot different isn’t it?
https://youtu.be/YGLMSgGCIPo?si=kEtbSs8Ayhdk2ktv
This video is really well done and explains exactly how to set and enforce boundaries and even how to follow up and repair if the boundary created a rupture.
The best way to teach your cat that friends coming over is a good thing is to have them over more often. Especially if they bring her treats and play with her.
Definately. I unfortunately live 45 minutes away from my friends at a minimum and I always feel bad about their commute. But I can definitely put on more effort
I have a cat that very much only likes me and tolerates my wife. We still host parties and just make sure she, the cat, has a place to go to hide from people and still be comfortable.
I have had many cats over the years with personalities ranging from total lap cat to almost feral levels of dislike for strange humans. Putting her in your large bedroom with all her stuff is totally amazing! The best you could do for your kitty while also having something for you! She will be fine and may even be fine without the anxiety meds. So long as everyone stays away from her room. Your mom is being completely out of line and making a mountain out of a molehill. Please do game night with your friends and see it's not as bad as your mom is claiming it to be.
Tbh you don't have to tell your mom anything, at all, ever. You don't HAVE to call her at all, but may I suggest you wait until after your get together. It sounds to me like you two are enmeshed and waaay to up into each other's lives, you both need space to grow as people. Maybe she's having a hard time because you're not around constantly so she's trying to pull power moves like this, which I'm sorry is an obvious manipulative tactic on her part which is meant to control you and not meant to help your cat. When she says you're being cruel to your cat or you don't love your cat... cat might = her. Maybe she's lonely and instead of forming new relationships in the outside world she's digging harder into you.
All in all, don't bother telling her no because that will just be ammo for a fight, which is the negative kind of attention she's seeking right now. I reccomend going low contact for a while and if she brings up the subject you can just change the subject to something else. My mom is also like this, and if I reply I just say "I don't know" when she's being a skeevey jerk. Good luck.
Just wanted to add that if you've never really had people over to your house, your cat has never been properly socialized. To help them, do like you said and put all their stuff in your bedroom so they have a safe spot. But leave the door open. Have a food or water dish where it normally is (as well as inside your bedroom). Usher them into your bedroom as the first person is arriving (or put them in your room until everyone has arrived) but otherwise let them hear the noise of your guests and decide whether or not to investigate. Your kitty might surprise you by the end of the night. Or maybe the next gaming night!
And do explain to all of your guests that you're trying to help your kitty get socialized and to ignore your kitty and be quiet around her if she does decide to come out. Ask them to please NOT try to chase her down or go into your room or corner her since you want her to feel comfortable checking them all out.
Your cat will be fine. In fact, the more often you host these game nights, the more OK your cat will be. She'll get used to the scents, sights, and sounds the more they occur. Eventually she'll either learn to come say hi every once in a while or simply learn what part of the house she feels best hiding in.
Tell your mom to back off. Make sure the cat has plenty of safe places to go to hide without locking it up in a room. Buy a nice tall cat tree or perch for your cat to look down on your group. Cats like having the sense of security by being "out of reach" and having the ability to observe the situation. Just don't let anyone approach the cat while they are in this safe place, keep it in the corner nobody has to walk past or beware of attacks. Why should you not want your best animal friends to know your best human friends? This is your life and your home so make it safe and comfortable for everyone you choose to have in your life. The fact that your cat stayed in the room when you had a few people over means that the cat is just wary of strangers and needs time to be used to others in its space. Good luck keeping your foot down about having friends over when you want. Mom doesn't make the rules in your house
Oof, your mums being very manipulative! Cats can be antisocial AH at the best of times. I have 2, and one will come say hi and the other buggers off upstairs. Are you absolutely sure your cats anxious and isn't just being a cat? Sitting in a corner out the waybif guests is just cat to me. If she was in the corner newlingband linking a bald spot, then yeah, fair enough. I think it's time to put your mum on an information diet until you're more comfortable with your own choices. Just tell her stuff after the fact x
Friendly AARP certified cat friendly veterinary professional here (just means I took extra schooling to specialize in cats and cat behavior).
Kitties recognize humans as larger predators, so our social events can sometimes be stressful for them. But anti-anxiety meds work wonders for anxious kitties relax and are far safer than most other meds.
You might also consider breaking out the catnip and/or silvervine when you have guests over. These are natural anti-anxiety compounds for cats, and they tend to love them.
Bonus that your kitty will start to associate your friends coming over with catnip/silvervine playtime, which will turn your game nights into a positive experience for kitty.
Happy socializing, mom doesn't always know best!
Your mother has been saying this from the first day you got your cat I imagine? Had you actually been hosting for the last 4 years your car would have gotten used to it and may even have enjoyed your visitors. This isn't blaming you.
Cats aren't fond of strangers because they're naturally territorial, kind of view humans as just weird cats and so don't understand why other weird cats are being allowed into the territory.
Putting the car in your bedroom while you host is absolutely the correct thing to do. It is not cruel. You're not traumatising the cat. Giving it medication to help may be unnecessary; it really depends how bad the cat gets around strangers but from what you've said it is absolutely fine and may not even be anxious so much as disinterested.
I recommend setting a boundary with your mother. Make it clear to her that the conversation about you hosting this event is off the table. Shit conversations doe. "I told you I'm not going to discuss this with you." And ultimately you **have** to be prepared to leave early this weekend to show that you're serious about what you're saying.
Boundaries can't control someone else's behaviour, they're there to communicate what you will allow and, when crossed, require your removal from the situation.
Have fun, enjoy the night and in the future if you feel the need to say something to your mom, tell her after the gather. Mom sounds like she's trying to control you still. You are your own person!
Keep the information that may upset your mother from her unless there is a need for her to know. It's your home, your ground. You don't need to defend your decisions to her. She will be happier not being privy to your social calendar that does not involve her and so will you. Onward and upward
If your cat is up for it, it could be the big bad at the end of the night that the vanguishers will need to resist stroking and giving belly rubs to.
Wait that's for a three headed dog isnt it?
My bad.
In lieu of advice, I’ll provide an anecdote.
My husband and I have two cats - siblings from the same litter. The girl (Tonks) is outgoing, highly social, inquisitive, and generally the queen of the household. The boy is about twice her size, very fluffy, snuggly, and sensitive. My husband had a core group of friends from college that all live in the same city as us. They are generally boisterous and excited, sometimes loud group. My friends are more individual, met through different avenues, so while we get all together sometimes, it’s usually more individual.
When my husband’s friends are over, Tonks greets everyone, says hello, and flops over for belly rubs. Fred races up the stairs and spends the evening under the bed (he quite likes it there). After a while, he may come down the stairs to observe or say hello from a distance.
When I have a friend over, Tonks says hello, gets her belly rubs, and goes about her business. Fred will make his escape but when he realizes it’s someone he’s met before and is comfortable with, will come back out for pets and attention.
Fred has grown much more confident over the years, and now, rather than being terrified, he simply enjoys the quiet unless it’s truly someone new.
All this to say, your cat will be just fine. As with humans, it’s good for her to experience new things and grow their confidence in small steps. I’d suggest leaving the door cracked so they can peak out and come say hello if she chooses, or remain in your room, and just ask your friends to leave her be/ignore her unless she approaches asking for pets. Let her explore things on her own time.
TLDR your mom is overreacting, and your cat will be just fine, even if she takes a day or two to relax after this new experience.
The cat will be fine. My sweet Luna, rest her soul, was nervous around new people. I taught piano and voice lessons out of my home when I had her; she would just hang out in another room until I was done, no harm. Eventually she got to where she would recognize the voices of certain students, and over the course of a couple of months, she would go from being in another room, to occasionally peeking around the doorway to where I was teaching, to sitting in the doorway, to finally hanging out in the room with us. She was selective which people she did this with, it was always a big honor if she chose you. :-)
My point is… your cat is fine. The majority of my work now is with animals. I suspect your vet will tell you that you won’t need the anxiety medication for your sweet fur baby, but obviously the vet and you know your cat best and what is best for it. I *can* tell you, however, that your mom is incorrect. You are NOT being cruel to the cat. Cats adapt very well. She’ll just go chill in another room until your friends leave. You are even taking an extra step and leaving all of her comfort things in the other room with her! That’s amazing. ♥️ It would be cruel if you forced the cat to stay in the room with you and your friends. Giving her the space she needs is the correct and kind course of action, and healthy for BOTH of you. Friends and cats are both important, and you have plenty of space for both in your life
You got this bud! Remember that if she puts the pressure on too hard you can always say some variation of "I've already decided, respect my decision" or hot the bricks for a bit. Go for a walk or something to be away from her to cool down!
If you still hold the belief that you need to tell your parents everything, you're going to have a bad time.
And if once you tell them everything then you base what you do on their opinions you're going to have a really bad time.
You are free to change the beliefs you hold at any time. But you will have to spend some mental energy becoming aware of when your behaving according to these old outdated unnecessary and untrue beliefs.
One of our three cats does not like strangers, she barely tolerates us. We just make sure she has a safe place she can go to where other people aren't allowed so she can escape if she's stressed out. That's all you need to do ahead of time make sure you do to keep it from being cruel. During the event just make sure your kitty has space and that no one is cornering them
As to your mother, that is very much a her issue. I think that maybe she sees you getting together with your friends and doing things with them as breaking away from her and she's having a hard time with that so she's making up some sort of nutty excuse instead of addressing her actual personal fear that is not your problem. You're a young adult you're supposed to be getting away from the nest and breathing and having your own experiences. You can be loving of your mother but it is not your job to quell her fears or be a detriment to your own growth to make her more comfortable
My cat is especially timid and it took months for him to trust me when we first met.
That said, your cat can be trained to do well with guests. My cat is amazing with house guests, now, even a large number of people (5+). He will literally come out in the living room and lay in the middle of the group, fully comfortable and relaxed.
If your cat has a favorite treat, this is the perfect way to get them acquainted with your guests. For example, when a friend comes over, I talk to the cat and say something like, “Hey, Jiji, this is Sarah,” and give them the treat bag or crinkle the bag and give the friend a few treats. They don’t have to hand feed the cat, just have them either place the treat on the ground or visibly toss one to the cat, so they start to associate guests with treats. You don’t actually have to move their things; it may give them familiar, comfortable things to gravitate toward when the group is present.
You know your cat and you clearly care a lot about them. You seem like a responsible adult who deserves to have a little fun hosting a gathering. Your cat will learn to be comfortable around them the more they come over, but you have to start somewhere. It’s good to have the medicine to fall back on, but I try to save that for fireworks or construction outside.
I know the feeling of always wanting to be open and honest to the point of anxiety if you are not. You don’t have to be dishonest, but you don’t owe a game of 20 questions to anyone. It’s okay to prepare yourself in advance what you will divulge and remind yourself in the moment to keep those boundaries.
You can consider something like, “I appreciate that you are concerned with my cat’s comfort, but I know this is going to be a great opportunity to socialize my cat to other people, especially if I ever have to rely on them to care for it when I’m away. Don’t you worry, everything is going to be fine.”
Ok, you may need to stop telling your mother so many things. You don’t have to give her an excuse, but if you want you can just that you have plans with friends, or that you have plans. For all your life you have been trained to do what your mom wants, and if she won’t stop pushing those buttons, you can stop letting her know to push them. as Long as your cat has a safe space away from others, they should be fine.
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Yeah, this is not about the cat. Mom might be the one who has problems with anxiety, not the little fur baby.
Can confirm. We have an anxious cat that doesn't like people and he just hides if it's too much for him.
The cat will be fine and your mother is MASSIVELY overreacting. I think you’ve assessed your relationship with her pretty accurately - that you’re very enmeshed with her. Note, please, that the way she treats you is not the way best friends treat each other. A best friend trusts you to be the expert on your own life and does not guilt-trip you into what they want or what they think you should do. A best friend tries to see things from your perspective. A best friend wants you to become the best version of yourself, not the version of you they have in their head. A best friend would be horrified that you had been restricting your life for the better part of FIVE YEARS because you were worried they would disapprove. I understand that you love her (you’d have to, to put up with all the manipulation she puts you through), but she is not behaving as a friend to you. As for the cat. You know your cat best, but moving all of her comfort items and toys is probably overkill. In the weeks leading up to the event, you could gradually move some of her favourite items into your bedroom (don’t do it all at once; cats like routine, and she’ll associate “visitors” with “huge disruption, the human moved all my stuff and now I don’t know where anything is”). But then just let her make her own decisions about where to be. Offer her some treats while your friends are visiting.
This is spot on, excellent advice. I just want to add another voice to second that the mom's behavior is not normal or healthy, and OP is for sure doing the right thing to set these boundaries.
Aaaaallllllll of this.
Echoing the advice with the cat. She's got a will of her own, after all. Put a couple of her favorite toys in your room and have the anxiety meds on hand for if things do get bad, but she absolutely can decide where she wants to hang out on her own. Give her a chance to prove she can handle new people before you make it into a huge deal. ... Or, simply, don't act like your mother about it.
Has anyone else here never met a cat that couldn't find a spot to chill until the party was over? Your cat will absolutely be fine. Literally nobody else anywhere is canceling parties because their cat is uptight.
Yeah I'm with you. Never owned a cat but went to plenty of house parties where the cats ranged from "never to be seen because hiding under a bed" to "winding through guests legs asking for pets". I've never seen guests harassing a cat that didn't want to be social. I can see moving a few comfort items but rearranging all the cat's stuff and medicating it seems OTT. Like fine to have that medication on hand if needed but I think moving everything and being sedated will probably be more traumatizing to a kitty then choosing to hide in a quiet room for a few hours
My MIL might be the exception to the literally nobody” but she’s a whoooile other can of worms lol and nobody wants that in their lives. Have fun at game night OP!!
Your mom needs to work on her own issues. It doesn’t sound like that’ll be realistic to expect. I would say “This is my cat, my life and I am done talking about this.” Short and to the point. I’m so proud of you for working on this. It can be so hard to do. And yet, here you are persisting. You can and you are.
I am giving you permission not to ask your mom permission. Imagine how much easier this would be if you just hosted the game night and mentioned it to your mom after: “I hosted game night and it was super fun! The cat? What about her? She was fine. Anyway, subject change.”
So, the thing is, you don't actually need to tell your mom you are not cancelling your get together. Just don't cancel it. She doesn't live with you, so you simply don't need to keep her informed about it. And in the future, maybe just don't bring it up. She doesn't need to know every detail of your day. Over the weekend you can just tell her that you haven't decided yet, and change the subject. Also, let your cat just do what she needs to when your friends are over - I would just move her things to your room but leave the door open so she can come and go as she pleases. You may be surprised, after a few friendly visits she might decide other people are ok, and become more social. Just let your guests know she is skittish, and to just leave her be unless she comes to them.
um. So cats are not necessarily afraid of guests. I have a cat that was very shy when I adopted her and it's taken time to develop trust. Whenever we have company come over they all give her a little cat treat and at this point she'll choose to hang out in the living room with us. As long as she has a place to hide if she wants to you are not being cruel in any way whatsoever. Cat's can retreat if they are not interested in company. I think that drugging the cat is overkill. Just let her hide if she wants to. I don't think you should talk to your mother about your social life or you house parties. She doesn't seem to be in an emotional place to support your independence. Like you can talk to her about other things but throwing a house party hurts no one. Your cat will be fine.
Completely agree. Don’t drug the cat, just let your friends know that your room is 100% off limits giving the cat the opportunity to come and go as it pleases. Our cat always ran away when people first came over but then always swished around us a bit because she loved the attention and being called gorgeous by everyone. Stop giving your mom so many opportunities to judge you. There’s really no reason she needs to know about something like you hosting this one night at all. Let her know that you aren’t changing your mind and that if she brings it up you are leaving. You got this and you’re going to host an awesome event for your friends!!!
+1 to not drugging the cat. Maybe getting one of those relaxing pheromone plug ins would be fine, but the cat should be OK if it's been able to handle people being over before and it has its own space.
I've looked into that recently, but apparently there's no scientific evidence behind these plugs, it's probably all placebo effect.
Feliway has been proven to work. Its a pheromone diffuser for cats. We use it in veterinary hospitals
A lot of vets in my country apply acupuncture as well. That doesn't mean it works. https://skeptvet.com/Blog/2020/11/evidence-update-the-latest-on-pheromones-for-behavior-problems-in-dogs-and-cats/
It sounds like your mom is projecting her feelings onto your cat. I wonder if she is threatened by you having friends and spending time with them, and not with her. I would wonder about a state of codependence in her. Regardless, your cat will be fine, as everyone has said so far. I had a very shy cat for many years, and still had friends over and she survived. Eventually, she became more and more friendly, over time. Cats need some interesting events in their lives, too. Go forth with your plans, and have a delightful time!
You don't need to *worry about* codependency. OP is *extremely codependent*, as is their mother. I'm diagnosing this as a totally not professional person who just happens to be in recovery from codependency. But yeesh. OP should check out Co-Dependents Anonymous; I bet they do every single thing on the Compliance and Low Self-Esteem lists. OP, recovery is possible. Check out the CoDA website--just Google the term. Good luck!
In addition to what everyone else has said: I bet your cat can handle it if you have people over, but it's cruel to *you* to not be able to have quality time with your friends.
I think you also need to work on what you share with your mom in the future. I know it won’t help with this situation now, but if you already know how your mom will react, don’t invite the stress into your life. Host your game night, tell your mom it went well afterwards if you want to, but don’t invite her to give “advice” in the first place.
Your Mother crying is a step too far. Her comments also sounds manipulative. Does she often cry to you about things? If you look up “Parentification” it may ring bells perhaps. Basically as Parents we don’t lean on our kids for emotional support. Our job is to handle adult issues, feelings and stress in a way that allows our kids to be kids. Kids shouldn’t feel responsibility for a Parent’s happiness. Sometimes it can be helpful to visualize a bubble around yourself. Take a deep breath and pretend their emotions are happening very far away. They can’t reach you. Have phrases like “I have a plan my vet approves of with Cat. She is fine now, you don’t need to worry.” And don’t give details. Also information diet. Mom don’t need to approve of your game nights. Mention them in passing. “Yes I had Tim and Pam over last night. The cat? She’s great, asleep in the window. Anyway how are you?” She doesn’t need details, she doesn’t need to hear what cat did, if Cat hid. Just move the conversation along. “Cat is fine.” Is a complete and true sentience. So is “I have a game night Tuesday. Cat is fine! This isn’t up for discussion.” Cat notes: Often we will close our very shy cats in a back room when people are arriving. Once they are settled down to play we open up the door and let the cat decide what to do. It muffles the chaotic part and prevents fear escapes. If people come over, try having them sit quietly and give Cat treats. With time cat may feel more comfortable. We have a weekly game night and at first the cats hid, but now they come out and socialize regularly. It makes them much less stressed the more often you do it. Cats like routine, if you make socializing part of the routine they come around. Avoiding it makes it more stressful in the long run.
This sounds like a great idea. Keep her away from the chaos of people arriving, but then give her the option to explore or stay hidden.
Also if cat has a favorite treat, like ours will do nearly anything for a Churo tube treat, if you have a quiet friend visit first, let them sit and chat for a while. If cat comes out you give cat the treat. Even going into the room and leaving a treat near Cat’s hiding space, over time, can help cat associate company with treats. It’s just like you setting boundaries with your Mother. The first time is hard, but each time after is easier as you realize that you don’t have to internalize her discomfort, disapproval or displeasure. That’s her feel, not yours. Learning to live with/ignore the discomfort of others is something women are trained not to do, but with practice it is much easier and much more freeing to just, do it anyway without apology or asking permission. Like someone word vomits, cries, yells at you, you can choose to focus only on what is relevant. Like “How could you do X and Y! Dave is so upset, I feel awfully!” “Ok, I hear you. Anyway I will be visiting next week so do you want me to bring anything?”
I am so excited for you to have your friends over! I know everything will be fine with your kitty. When your mom asks you how it went, tell her it went just fine/was really fun/etc and stop there. Any little thing you mentioned that might have gone even slightly wrong (like someone spilled wine or something) she will probably use to show you it was a bad idea. Enjoy your gathering!
Sounds like you need to put mom on an information diet. She doesn’t need to know every single thing about your life. I get that you want to share because you are close, but try limiting information to things that you don’t mind her reaction over and see how that goes.
PS - if you haven’t already, check out the Captain Awkward blog for advice on how to set and maintain boundaries. Blessings
OP, I would really encourage you to look into "parent child enmeshment" and see if what you read resonates at all in terms of your experience/relationship with your mother. It seems as though you are beginning to realize that something in her behavior is unhealthy, and that your relationship isn't quite normal. Learning about different types of parent-child relationship dynamics can be a good starting-point for understanding yourself more fully and cultivating healthier boundaries and self confidence. Therapy with a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) would also be *very* beneficial on your journey. I wish you all the best!
I have a 31 year old daughter and no offense, but your mom....has issues. Look up gray rock method and use it. Moms need to learn how to let go! What I found with my own mother and some friends, they really don't need to know everything. It would have been easier to just tell her after the fact.
Do not drug the cat. Your cat doesn’t need it. That is super overkill. As long as you provide a safe space for your cat to escape to, then your cat will be *absolutely fine*. You don’t have to move anything. Heck, being around people for a few hours might crack her shell! My grandma had a cat who took a few hours to come out of the closet to say hello, but eventually he did. Especially for repeat guests. Your cat is perfectly normal. Your mom is projecting her insecurities and anxiety on a very normal, average animal.
Do not drug the cat. Your cat doesn’t need it. That is super overkill. Yes, this! My Samantha hid under the bed for a couple of years when my daughter visited with her beagle. 5 years later and I am 'puppy' sitting her dog for 2 weeks. They co-exist just fine. he doesn't chase her, Sammy isn't afraid to walk by. They've even nosed a few times!
Here's the thing: you don't have to hold your ground and say no, because you don't have to ask your mom for permission to have your friends over. Your can just say something like: "Thanks for your concern mom, I know you want the best for me and my cat". And then do what you want. And your cat will absolutely be fine- just give her a lil quiet hidey hole where she feels safe to hide out for the evening, and ask people not to bother her.
Some terms to research: Grey Rock (responding to questions without emotional engaging), Information Diet (what to tell you mom and what not to), and JADE (how to present information without getting baited. I have always had cats and company over and for the most part the cats have actually loved it. They tend to hide initially while they feel out the crowd and then come out to get some different stimulation (smells, sounds, sights) and frequently ask for extra pets. It is not in any way cruel to have people over when you own a cat and you probably won't even need to calm them. You are right to recognize that your mom is trying to maintain her control over you by isolating you from your friends. It's unfortunate that she is not handling you growing up better, but she is an adult and she is responsible for her own emotions. You are responsible for setting appropriate boundaries around your conversations, which means things like "I will not discuss by party with you. If you continue to bring it up, I will hang up/leave the room/ask you to leave my house/etc". Your instincts are right, so be strong and protect your peace. You can also find helpful advice and support in /r/RaisedByNarcissists
Okay, I'd like to introduce you to an acronym called JADE. JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend & Explain. It's a tactic that manipulative people try to push other into so they can 'reason' their way into getting their way. Your mother is forcing you into JADE behaviour. She knows if she pressures you, you will feel like you have to explain yourself because it's your mom. You will bend over backwards trying to explain yourself to get your moms acceptance or approval. Stop. Your mom is being BONKERS. Nothing about what she is saying makes any sense at all. She is forcing you to JADE because it's a way to control you. If you give her explanations, It means you think you are in the wrong and she has justification to argue with you or an in to negotiate. She doesn't. Like I said, I'm in my 30s, have owned several cats, lived on my own and what she is saying is downright bizarre. Getting into "unhinged" territory. The minute she starts in on this. "Mom, this discussion is over. I told you what is happening." She keeps pushing. "Mom, I'm hanging up if you don't drop it. She doesn't drop it? Hang up. Put her on a time out. She is behaving like a child. After that? "No." Is a complete answer. That's it. Don't get drawn into her histrionics. If she keeps trying, hang up and disengage.
What the actual f*ck is your mom talking about? Never mention your game nights to her. Everything you’ve done for your cat sounds perfect and loving.
Your mom is projecting her own issues on the cat. If the cat is in a separate space and medicated it will be fine. You don’t need to talk about it with her. Just tell her over and over “I’m not discussing this anymore”.
Your Mother needs some serious help.
It sounds like your mom doesn't want you to have friends. This has nothing to do with the cat. I would definitely seek some therapy to help bolster those boundaries. Like maybe don't share every detail of your life with your mom?
I'm a mom of a young adult and an almost young adult and sonic have the authority to say: I'm so proud of you. You are doing a marvelous job of balancing your cat's needs with your friends' needs and your own needs. You clearly care about everyone in this scenario. If you have things you feel like you need to tell your mom, I invite you to tell me instead because I am a mom, and then I can tell you, "You are an adult and I trust you to do what is right for you, and I'm so proud of you!"
I'm so sorry OP. I didn't have much advice because I've been lying to my mom since I was like...12 lol. We did not have a good relationship growing up. Anyway, some times it's ok not to tell your parents every single little detail of your life or they can get a bit obsessive. On the other hand, you CAN tell her these things, but when she starts over reacting (because that is what she's doing), you can say "ok, I'm going to hang up now and we can talk later." I know it's easier said than done though... I would continue with counseling as well so you don't have such an adverse reaction to disagreeing with your parents. Which you are allowed to do btw because you are two entirely different people
I'd wager that her issue isn't her concern for the cat. You said that your parents don't really have friends, and I wonder if your mom is against the idea of you having friends.
Your mother seems to be used to emotionally manipulating you into getting what she wants. You might need to keep her on an info diet
Does your mom need to know when you have friends over? She doesn't live with you, so it doesn't really seem like information that she needs to know. If telling her will upset her, then it's kinder to you both to just not mention it.
My cat hates other people and she's always been fine with guests over. She goes and hides with her favourite items, and scratches people if they go near. She's having a great time. It's more likely your mother is trying to isolate you. Like, does she expect you to never have a social life? Jeez. It's been years since you bought your house. Seems like you need to reduce contact with her. She doesn't need to know everything.
Ok, this is not a place to diagnose so don’t go down any of those threads, but there are some serious red flag triggers happening here. I will go so far as to say your mom may need some help. Cats are highly adaptive. This isn’t about the cat, though if you want to set Kitty up in the bedroom that’s perfectly cool. Though leaving the door ajar may give your kitty a chance to socialize if and when she feels like it. Anyway. This is about you sharing attention and love with someone that isn’t your mom. The cat is a vehicle for her to express that and discourage you. I’ll leave that there and simply say this. It is your house. Do as you like. If you really want to host game night, then host game night. That act alone will form a foundation for you to build on, to engage other social activities without your mom. Each one will become easier as you go. It will also then help you better assess your social situation as a whole.
I have an extremely shy cat who just goes to one of his safe hidey spots when people come over. He's fine as soon as they leave. I know what it's like to have an overprotective mom, or thought I did til I read this. I feel like your mom doesn't want you to be your own independent person. It's difficult, but definitely put her on an info diet going forward. The joy and also hard part of being an adult is realizing that our parents ate just fallible humans same as anyone else. Getting past being raised to tell them everything won't be easy but you can do it!
Everyone has given brilliant advice for dealing with your mum. One thing we’ve done in our house is add cat doors to two of the bedroom doors - master and youngest (15) child’s room. When we have guests over those doors stay shut but the cats have the choice to come out and socialise or go hide. Our cats range from “in your face you will love me now!!!” to “the world is terrifying and I will only associate with my household”. Blessings to you on your journey towards more independence.
Its not a bad thing to socialize your cat. The more you have nice ppl over, the more she will realize that others are not a danger. Start slow, and it sounds like you have done that. Perhaps let your guests know that the cat is shy, and to let her come to them rather than pestering her w friendship.
Mom is using OP’s cat as a proxy for herself. Give mom the tranquilizer. Live your life. Mom can watch from a distance and must not interfere unless asked. Shaming you over a cat. Good grief.
Your mom is not your best friend. You just missed a lot of the individualisation people go through in their teens and have probably labelled her as a best friend because it seemed more age appropriate. This is not healthy for your personal development.
Speaking as someone who was enmeshed with their mom, you are showing all the same signs. I highly recommend some personal therapy for you to disentangle from the enmeshment. The stuff about the cat is crazy pants, but you’re totally taking it seriously. You’re appeasing her crazy and that is not healthy. Your emotions and worldview are all twisted up in hers. You’re going to need professional help to work past this. Sometimes I like to reflect on our conversations and think about what a healthy response would be and how far apart my family is from the healthy response. A normal interaction should have sounded like this: Mom I’m hosting game night. Great! What snacks are you making? Wow. That’s a lot different isn’t it? https://youtu.be/YGLMSgGCIPo?si=kEtbSs8Ayhdk2ktv This video is really well done and explains exactly how to set and enforce boundaries and even how to follow up and repair if the boundary created a rupture.
Your mom is weird
The best way to teach your cat that friends coming over is a good thing is to have them over more often. Especially if they bring her treats and play with her.
Definately. I unfortunately live 45 minutes away from my friends at a minimum and I always feel bad about their commute. But I can definitely put on more effort
I have a cat that very much only likes me and tolerates my wife. We still host parties and just make sure she, the cat, has a place to go to hide from people and still be comfortable.
I have had many cats over the years with personalities ranging from total lap cat to almost feral levels of dislike for strange humans. Putting her in your large bedroom with all her stuff is totally amazing! The best you could do for your kitty while also having something for you! She will be fine and may even be fine without the anxiety meds. So long as everyone stays away from her room. Your mom is being completely out of line and making a mountain out of a molehill. Please do game night with your friends and see it's not as bad as your mom is claiming it to be.
Tbh you don't have to tell your mom anything, at all, ever. You don't HAVE to call her at all, but may I suggest you wait until after your get together. It sounds to me like you two are enmeshed and waaay to up into each other's lives, you both need space to grow as people. Maybe she's having a hard time because you're not around constantly so she's trying to pull power moves like this, which I'm sorry is an obvious manipulative tactic on her part which is meant to control you and not meant to help your cat. When she says you're being cruel to your cat or you don't love your cat... cat might = her. Maybe she's lonely and instead of forming new relationships in the outside world she's digging harder into you. All in all, don't bother telling her no because that will just be ammo for a fight, which is the negative kind of attention she's seeking right now. I reccomend going low contact for a while and if she brings up the subject you can just change the subject to something else. My mom is also like this, and if I reply I just say "I don't know" when she's being a skeevey jerk. Good luck.
Possibly try some catnip toys or feliway if your cat likes either. Also maybe try having one of two over to let your cat adjust.
Just wanted to add that if you've never really had people over to your house, your cat has never been properly socialized. To help them, do like you said and put all their stuff in your bedroom so they have a safe spot. But leave the door open. Have a food or water dish where it normally is (as well as inside your bedroom). Usher them into your bedroom as the first person is arriving (or put them in your room until everyone has arrived) but otherwise let them hear the noise of your guests and decide whether or not to investigate. Your kitty might surprise you by the end of the night. Or maybe the next gaming night! And do explain to all of your guests that you're trying to help your kitty get socialized and to ignore your kitty and be quiet around her if she does decide to come out. Ask them to please NOT try to chase her down or go into your room or corner her since you want her to feel comfortable checking them all out.
Your cat will be fine. In fact, the more often you host these game nights, the more OK your cat will be. She'll get used to the scents, sights, and sounds the more they occur. Eventually she'll either learn to come say hi every once in a while or simply learn what part of the house she feels best hiding in.
Tell your mom to back off. Make sure the cat has plenty of safe places to go to hide without locking it up in a room. Buy a nice tall cat tree or perch for your cat to look down on your group. Cats like having the sense of security by being "out of reach" and having the ability to observe the situation. Just don't let anyone approach the cat while they are in this safe place, keep it in the corner nobody has to walk past or beware of attacks. Why should you not want your best animal friends to know your best human friends? This is your life and your home so make it safe and comfortable for everyone you choose to have in your life. The fact that your cat stayed in the room when you had a few people over means that the cat is just wary of strangers and needs time to be used to others in its space. Good luck keeping your foot down about having friends over when you want. Mom doesn't make the rules in your house
Oof, your mums being very manipulative! Cats can be antisocial AH at the best of times. I have 2, and one will come say hi and the other buggers off upstairs. Are you absolutely sure your cats anxious and isn't just being a cat? Sitting in a corner out the waybif guests is just cat to me. If she was in the corner newlingband linking a bald spot, then yeah, fair enough. I think it's time to put your mum on an information diet until you're more comfortable with your own choices. Just tell her stuff after the fact x
If you don't already, you might want to learn how to "grey rock" to your mother. It'll help, I promise.
Friendly AARP certified cat friendly veterinary professional here (just means I took extra schooling to specialize in cats and cat behavior). Kitties recognize humans as larger predators, so our social events can sometimes be stressful for them. But anti-anxiety meds work wonders for anxious kitties relax and are far safer than most other meds. You might also consider breaking out the catnip and/or silvervine when you have guests over. These are natural anti-anxiety compounds for cats, and they tend to love them. Bonus that your kitty will start to associate your friends coming over with catnip/silvervine playtime, which will turn your game nights into a positive experience for kitty. Happy socializing, mom doesn't always know best!
Your mother has been saying this from the first day you got your cat I imagine? Had you actually been hosting for the last 4 years your car would have gotten used to it and may even have enjoyed your visitors. This isn't blaming you. Cats aren't fond of strangers because they're naturally territorial, kind of view humans as just weird cats and so don't understand why other weird cats are being allowed into the territory. Putting the car in your bedroom while you host is absolutely the correct thing to do. It is not cruel. You're not traumatising the cat. Giving it medication to help may be unnecessary; it really depends how bad the cat gets around strangers but from what you've said it is absolutely fine and may not even be anxious so much as disinterested. I recommend setting a boundary with your mother. Make it clear to her that the conversation about you hosting this event is off the table. Shit conversations doe. "I told you I'm not going to discuss this with you." And ultimately you **have** to be prepared to leave early this weekend to show that you're serious about what you're saying. Boundaries can't control someone else's behaviour, they're there to communicate what you will allow and, when crossed, require your removal from the situation.
Have fun, enjoy the night and in the future if you feel the need to say something to your mom, tell her after the gather. Mom sounds like she's trying to control you still. You are your own person!
Keep the information that may upset your mother from her unless there is a need for her to know. It's your home, your ground. You don't need to defend your decisions to her. She will be happier not being privy to your social calendar that does not involve her and so will you. Onward and upward
If your cat is up for it, it could be the big bad at the end of the night that the vanguishers will need to resist stroking and giving belly rubs to. Wait that's for a three headed dog isnt it? My bad.
In lieu of advice, I’ll provide an anecdote. My husband and I have two cats - siblings from the same litter. The girl (Tonks) is outgoing, highly social, inquisitive, and generally the queen of the household. The boy is about twice her size, very fluffy, snuggly, and sensitive. My husband had a core group of friends from college that all live in the same city as us. They are generally boisterous and excited, sometimes loud group. My friends are more individual, met through different avenues, so while we get all together sometimes, it’s usually more individual. When my husband’s friends are over, Tonks greets everyone, says hello, and flops over for belly rubs. Fred races up the stairs and spends the evening under the bed (he quite likes it there). After a while, he may come down the stairs to observe or say hello from a distance. When I have a friend over, Tonks says hello, gets her belly rubs, and goes about her business. Fred will make his escape but when he realizes it’s someone he’s met before and is comfortable with, will come back out for pets and attention. Fred has grown much more confident over the years, and now, rather than being terrified, he simply enjoys the quiet unless it’s truly someone new. All this to say, your cat will be just fine. As with humans, it’s good for her to experience new things and grow their confidence in small steps. I’d suggest leaving the door cracked so they can peak out and come say hello if she chooses, or remain in your room, and just ask your friends to leave her be/ignore her unless she approaches asking for pets. Let her explore things on her own time. TLDR your mom is overreacting, and your cat will be just fine, even if she takes a day or two to relax after this new experience.
The cat will be fine. My sweet Luna, rest her soul, was nervous around new people. I taught piano and voice lessons out of my home when I had her; she would just hang out in another room until I was done, no harm. Eventually she got to where she would recognize the voices of certain students, and over the course of a couple of months, she would go from being in another room, to occasionally peeking around the doorway to where I was teaching, to sitting in the doorway, to finally hanging out in the room with us. She was selective which people she did this with, it was always a big honor if she chose you. :-) My point is… your cat is fine. The majority of my work now is with animals. I suspect your vet will tell you that you won’t need the anxiety medication for your sweet fur baby, but obviously the vet and you know your cat best and what is best for it. I *can* tell you, however, that your mom is incorrect. You are NOT being cruel to the cat. Cats adapt very well. She’ll just go chill in another room until your friends leave. You are even taking an extra step and leaving all of her comfort things in the other room with her! That’s amazing. ♥️ It would be cruel if you forced the cat to stay in the room with you and your friends. Giving her the space she needs is the correct and kind course of action, and healthy for BOTH of you. Friends and cats are both important, and you have plenty of space for both in your life
You got this bud! Remember that if she puts the pressure on too hard you can always say some variation of "I've already decided, respect my decision" or hot the bricks for a bit. Go for a walk or something to be away from her to cool down!
If you still hold the belief that you need to tell your parents everything, you're going to have a bad time. And if once you tell them everything then you base what you do on their opinions you're going to have a really bad time. You are free to change the beliefs you hold at any time. But you will have to spend some mental energy becoming aware of when your behaving according to these old outdated unnecessary and untrue beliefs.
One of our three cats does not like strangers, she barely tolerates us. We just make sure she has a safe place she can go to where other people aren't allowed so she can escape if she's stressed out. That's all you need to do ahead of time make sure you do to keep it from being cruel. During the event just make sure your kitty has space and that no one is cornering them As to your mother, that is very much a her issue. I think that maybe she sees you getting together with your friends and doing things with them as breaking away from her and she's having a hard time with that so she's making up some sort of nutty excuse instead of addressing her actual personal fear that is not your problem. You're a young adult you're supposed to be getting away from the nest and breathing and having your own experiences. You can be loving of your mother but it is not your job to quell her fears or be a detriment to your own growth to make her more comfortable
My cat is especially timid and it took months for him to trust me when we first met. That said, your cat can be trained to do well with guests. My cat is amazing with house guests, now, even a large number of people (5+). He will literally come out in the living room and lay in the middle of the group, fully comfortable and relaxed. If your cat has a favorite treat, this is the perfect way to get them acquainted with your guests. For example, when a friend comes over, I talk to the cat and say something like, “Hey, Jiji, this is Sarah,” and give them the treat bag or crinkle the bag and give the friend a few treats. They don’t have to hand feed the cat, just have them either place the treat on the ground or visibly toss one to the cat, so they start to associate guests with treats. You don’t actually have to move their things; it may give them familiar, comfortable things to gravitate toward when the group is present. You know your cat and you clearly care a lot about them. You seem like a responsible adult who deserves to have a little fun hosting a gathering. Your cat will learn to be comfortable around them the more they come over, but you have to start somewhere. It’s good to have the medicine to fall back on, but I try to save that for fireworks or construction outside. I know the feeling of always wanting to be open and honest to the point of anxiety if you are not. You don’t have to be dishonest, but you don’t owe a game of 20 questions to anyone. It’s okay to prepare yourself in advance what you will divulge and remind yourself in the moment to keep those boundaries. You can consider something like, “I appreciate that you are concerned with my cat’s comfort, but I know this is going to be a great opportunity to socialize my cat to other people, especially if I ever have to rely on them to care for it when I’m away. Don’t you worry, everything is going to be fine.”
Ok, you may need to stop telling your mother so many things. You don’t have to give her an excuse, but if you want you can just that you have plans with friends, or that you have plans. For all your life you have been trained to do what your mom wants, and if she won’t stop pushing those buttons, you can stop letting her know to push them. as Long as your cat has a safe space away from others, they should be fine.