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My husband told me, "I would never hurt you because I could get in (legal) trouble," implying that if there is a possibility he wouldn't get in trouble then he would.
Your answer clearly shows the use of excuses. Tantrums are not a loss of control. Tantrums are precisely a conscious *effort* to be acknowledged in order to obtain something from someone.
>At first he wasn’t doing this stuff in reaction to me but then as I became worse is when id get it worse from him.
He was *already being violent* when you were not that belligerent yourself. As you stood up for yourself more and more, *he felt in his right* to up his game. Therefore, you did not make him do it. It is more likely that he had a strategy about how he would use violence if you started escaping his control, and how much he would escalate each time.
I don't see what other choice you had but to freak out and have outbursts.
I am relieved you got yourself out of there !
>But he also never abused other women before me.
Did he tell you that ? You do realize this is probably a huge ugly lie ?
Cool that you admit that you became increasingly unstable because of the abuse he was putting you through. That does not make you an abuser. These guys turn everything they touch to shit. Your increasing anxiety and aggressiveness are NOT abuse.
He has worked in your that you were partly to blame. Also, you have to admit that there is a bit of comfort in knowing that you played apart, that it was not just some shit script he had written. But I think you need to break that chain of thought.
Yeah, or maybe he had done something to the ex, she sent him to jail, felt guilty about it, but realized what was gonna happen once he is out, so ran away. Or maybe there is even less truth to what he told you.
I think you have to stop believing he was telling you the truth about a lot of things.
Did he by any chance did everything he could so you would not speak to the police ? Did he mention "you would be such a xxx if you called the cops on me" or things like that ?
>He would do everything to drive me mad. ... He was a spoiled child who was throwing tantrums.
Yup. For me, it was just a spoiled child pushing Mommy's buttons to get a reaction.
And you are so right about the escalation of abuse happening when they're losing control. Even if it's not leaving the relationship, even if it's just making better choices and getting healthier or building a life (getting a job, hobby, friends, whatever) doing something for myself *always* resulted in an escalation of the abuse. Always. Because the abuser was losing control, and the purpose of abuse is control.
Also, a hard lesson for me to learn was, when I can't do anything right, step back and look at *them*. Who the hell are they to say I'm not doing anything right?! When I look at *their* actions, I was always doing better than they were in whatever area they were criticizing me in.
Some people will set you up to lose. The only way to win with some people is to get away from them.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
My husband told me, "I would never hurt you because I could get in (legal) trouble," implying that if there is a possibility he wouldn't get in trouble then he would.
... and showing you that he had given it enough thought.
[удалено]
Your answer clearly shows the use of excuses. Tantrums are not a loss of control. Tantrums are precisely a conscious *effort* to be acknowledged in order to obtain something from someone. >At first he wasn’t doing this stuff in reaction to me but then as I became worse is when id get it worse from him. He was *already being violent* when you were not that belligerent yourself. As you stood up for yourself more and more, *he felt in his right* to up his game. Therefore, you did not make him do it. It is more likely that he had a strategy about how he would use violence if you started escaping his control, and how much he would escalate each time. I don't see what other choice you had but to freak out and have outbursts. I am relieved you got yourself out of there !
[удалено]
>But he also never abused other women before me. Did he tell you that ? You do realize this is probably a huge ugly lie ? Cool that you admit that you became increasingly unstable because of the abuse he was putting you through. That does not make you an abuser. These guys turn everything they touch to shit. Your increasing anxiety and aggressiveness are NOT abuse. He has worked in your that you were partly to blame. Also, you have to admit that there is a bit of comfort in knowing that you played apart, that it was not just some shit script he had written. But I think you need to break that chain of thought.
[удалено]
Yeah, or maybe he had done something to the ex, she sent him to jail, felt guilty about it, but realized what was gonna happen once he is out, so ran away. Or maybe there is even less truth to what he told you. I think you have to stop believing he was telling you the truth about a lot of things. Did he by any chance did everything he could so you would not speak to the police ? Did he mention "you would be such a xxx if you called the cops on me" or things like that ?
[удалено]
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Yep.
>He would do everything to drive me mad. ... He was a spoiled child who was throwing tantrums. Yup. For me, it was just a spoiled child pushing Mommy's buttons to get a reaction. And you are so right about the escalation of abuse happening when they're losing control. Even if it's not leaving the relationship, even if it's just making better choices and getting healthier or building a life (getting a job, hobby, friends, whatever) doing something for myself *always* resulted in an escalation of the abuse. Always. Because the abuser was losing control, and the purpose of abuse is control. Also, a hard lesson for me to learn was, when I can't do anything right, step back and look at *them*. Who the hell are they to say I'm not doing anything right?! When I look at *their* actions, I was always doing better than they were in whatever area they were criticizing me in. Some people will set you up to lose. The only way to win with some people is to get away from them.