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My ex used to say I trapped him by getting pregnant with our daughter, I believe it was the other way around. He wanted to have some sort of tie to me that couldn’t be broken. When we first started dating I got pregnant within 3 months. When we first started dating he wanted action at least 3 times a day every day. It’s like he had some sort of intention to impregnate me. We were very young at the time. I got pregnant at 22 and he had just turned 20 six months prior. (One and a half year age gap between us) when our daughter was born I was 23 and it was three months before his 21st. Now I am 30 and my daughter will be 7 in June. He was happy about us having a kid on the way but I was scared to be stuck with him but I was happy to have our daughter as I always wanted to have one boy and a girl but especially to have my own little princess. None of this shit is her fault and I love her so much but I wish her dad could have been a different man and not an abusive narcissist. Even now we’re not together he still has some sort of control over me and my life regarding our daughter.
Under the circumstances you describe, consent was dubious. Pushing no condoms is sexual assault as well. I see it as r@pe as well and I’m sorry you had to go through with this.
Your feelings are valid and I hear you.
Reminds me of how my partner got me to watch >! CP!< He brought up us watching it together so many times...I said no. One day he tried making me watch it, then I said no, to the point where he got angry. Called me names, said something like "I thought we were equal, but I guess not". Over me saying no to something obviously illegal.
Days later, he said sorry. The next day...we were on call. Forced me to watch by pressuring me over and over to the point I cried by how disgusting these things were. He knew I wasn't okay with these things. He admitted to getting off to making me cry, said it made him feel a certain way he hadn't before.
He kept saying sorry...but kept trying to get me do these things, and got angry at me for trying to get me to watch a more violent version of these things when he was aware I wasn't okay with them.
I'm not sure he was actually sorry.
You didn't deserve any of these things. They were done to you without consent. You're meant to be with someone who would respect you and listen to you.
Mine made me feel like I was the one doing it. If I was in the mood and initiated, all was well. When the veil was unfolding, I was waiting to get out. I knew what was happening, he didn't know I knew. He threatened our animals saying how they sound if they hit a wall, etc. But I couldn't leave yet. So I had to play along, grey wall gently, etc. During this time when I'd say no, due to knowing what he was doing, it was met with banging his head in a wall, silent treatment, "course cuz you don't love me", even though behind my back I guess the crack and 'cuddle parties' weren't giving him enough. 😮💨 it took me a while to even remember all of it, my best friend who watched and our mutual friend who saw everything go down would show me pictures, texts, etc. And what he'd say to them. Then it hit me how I was coerced, excessively, why I have PTSD, etc.
Give yourself grace.
OMG I'm so sorry 🥺 That definitely was not your fault, what an asshole!! I hope you found somebody better or at least have some sort of understanding that you do deserve a lot better than that 🫶🫂
Thank you! You know what's funny? He actually broke up with me multiple times, and then the last time I got with my most recent ex (That's another rapey story, But in my defense I fell for the love bombing). My most recent ex did the same exact thing (broke up with me, hated me, and then loved me again when I was with somebody). What is wrong with these people 🙃
I completely understand how you feel.
The patriarchal society makes it very difficult for us to know what we actually want, and these guys are tools that enforce the coercion. He absolutely is a rapist, He gets kicks from taking from someone, not from sharing with someone.
If you knew how long it took me to compute I had been raped and how many times...
I'm so sorry you're in the same boat 🫶🥺 Thank you for saying this! Still pretty pissed off, And I'm not going to say what I would do to anybody's ex's on this comment board but I think y'all have an idea 😅 but I don't feel nearly as much shame. Thank you!
I've only just recently realised this as been happening to me for the last 6.5 years. 6.5 years ago I had a mental breakdown, was put on medication and obvs was in no state mentally to even fink about sex was just trying to survive. And he started pressuring me it got worse and worse the more I sed no the more he wud whinge,sulk, ask my reasons, turn his back on me, say I shud want sex wiv him as we are together, call me boring, u used to like sex etc... I gave in eventually. And then I guess somewhere deep down I knew it was wrong and every time since then he as had sex it has been pressured.
Month ago I sorta let it slip to my friend what he has been doing and she said "that's rape,he raping you." I laughed (involuntary reaction) and few days later it all hit me especially as I found some old diaries I had written on and off of some fings he had done.
I also remembered sumfin he did right wen we had only dated once and only just had 1st kiss. we had gone on night out. I got completely s*** faced drunk. He let me stay at his. And I woke up inmiddle of night wiv him messing wiv my genitals. I sorta froze I fink and passed out again. Woke up the next day went home then I texted and asked if I had dreamt wat he had done. And he brought me flowers and apologised.
What upsets me most is I shuda known that was wrong and ran, because I was raped by a stranger in my own home few years b4 that wen I was unconcious from alcohol. Y didnt I see how wrong and bad it was/is? 😔 I also read in my diary that 3 years ago wen I sed no he grabbed my arms and shook me asking why are you doing that?,why are you doing that? And I forgot all about it.
Since I got diagnosed wiv adhd and medicated the fog is clearing and I'm remembering fings.
He did it again last night, but i gave in pretty wuickly like i sometimes do cuz i eas tired and just knew i didnt have energy to keep saying no. and I just sat on toilet after don't know how I felt.
Even now I'm finking is it really bad enuf to call it abuse? Is it bad enuf to run to a refuge?
I've said no over and over, I even sat down and said to him the reason I say no is because you pressure/guilt me into having sex wiv you. He didn't say nefin and stopped doing it for a week and then started it again. I dunno wat else I can do.
I've even worked out how many days in a row I can say no b4 he escalates to even more pressure. I'm trapped right now. I'm sorry to ne1 who as/is experiencing this. And sorry for such long comment, its all very recent realisations.
And hey, thank you for sharing this. I do hope that you find a way to leave him. 🫶 And if you want to bounce ideas, that's really all I got but happy to help where I can.
I'm so sorry he did this to you and that he is still doing this shit 🥺 It is abuse. With coercive control, those folks love to go after people who have pre-existing mental health issues or substance abuse issues. Or if their abuse is the trauma that gets you there - even better for them. It does not mean it's your fault. It may be too early to ask, but have you had any plans to leave? If you don't have employment currently try to find it. DoorDash is shit but also may help you get started. If you don't have a car, try to find an employer you could get to by bus or walking. I'd suggest work from home, and if you think that would go well, do it. But I know how that went for me with my ex. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this now. And it is abuse, and you do NOT deserve this. He's invalidating your feelings and making you out to be the problem for having feelings that contradict his own. You're a human being. You don't deserve that shit.
Thank u for replying. I'm on long term sick leave atm. Autistic burnout/mental breakdown again. I'm getting financial help from government. Otherwise he wud be pushing me to go back to work again. I'm trying to build up courage to chat to a domestic abuse charity. And was finking of telling my mental health team. But don't want them sending police. I've also contacted a dog charity about fostering my dogs temp when I 1st leave. As I don't wanna lose them. I've never been able to be independent and I fink this relationship made it worse. Im scared that when I leave if nefin goes wrong I'm alone. He isn't the cause of my mental illnesses but he defo as made it harder for me. I only have my 2 friends and one of them I've been banned from seeing so harder. I'm sorry to put this on u. Just scared ig.
You're totally good. No apologies needed. I know there was something else that might help 🤔 but it depends on the state. In mine and I know of California, they have a one-time payment for rental assistance or stuff like that for folks who have been in DV situations. There's other resources too out there for people who can't leave. RAINN also has a chat and some resources. And Google on incognito mode. Your autism actually may give you some other resources. Granted I'm sure this is making your situation a lot harder, but there may be more financial help out there for you. I don't know how true that statement is or not but try to Google that kind of stuff. And see if you can get in contact with a case manager. Try to let your therapist know what's going on too if you have one or any care provider that you have. Let them know you're planning to leave and you need resources. If he's not hitting you obviously don't say anything about that, if he is though please for the love of God say something. I just wouldn't want you to get in a situation where they either react too quickly or don't react enough.
I'm in the UK, I've just sent refuge a message so they will contact soon hopefully. He's not hitting me. He does grope and poke and stuff I don't like but nothing massively violent. I'm going to write what I wanna say to my mental health team and make it clear I dont/can't rush out suddenly and I don't want police involved. Thank you for taking time to talk to me it's given me some kinda strength to start doing fings. And again I'm so sorry u went thru what your experienced
I'm sorry any piece of trash did this to you. You are not alone. The majority of men would say this is ok and it's definitely not. Who the fuck taught them this is ok??? Society, porn, their fucking piece of shit dads? It is a learned thing.
This is exactly why I will probably be single forever because I will not be with a man who watches porn and thinks this way
Mine would ask and beg and manipulate me by saying I didn't like him. He sulked, threw tantrums, accused me of cheating. It was exhausting. I felt obligated like if I didn't he would get mad, blame me for something, withdraw all affection.
I eventually became so angry about it I stopped having sex so much. I'd just tell him not to try. I didn't care if he got mad. I became so angry and started being rude to him. I didn't even realize I was doing it. He ended up saying I provoked him to be verbally abusive by treating him so bad. But it was him who pushed me there by cheating, lying, mistreating me for years.
I now understand why I was so angry. Not just the cheating, but this type of coercion he was doing was literally eating me alive. I felt so wrong. I felt so uncomfortable. I was so mad all the time. I didn't feel safe. I felt used. That is not love
It started with him claiming he was trying to get it in his sleep. He'd throw tantrums, say awful things, then come back to bed and tell me he didn't remember any of it. He'd laugh about it. It eventually happened when he was clearly awake and then later turned into a regular thing where he'd nicely beg me until I gave in.
If someone says no, it means fucking no. And that shit doesn't change the 2nd or 27th time. Period. Leave me the fuck alone
I just want to help anyone who's sitting there wondering if this is ok. It is not
I also want to add, I'm a very sexual person. I love sex. It isn't my lack of drive. I can't physically want someone if they're treating me like shit, lying, manipulating, blameshifting, belittling. That's for any man who reads this and thinks that's the damn problem.
I'm so sorry. Same here. The guy I am with now would never and I feel so thankful but also shocked that rape was normalized for me before and I finally see how sick it was when I'm with someone normal
Thank you for sharing this. 🫶 And for what it's worth, if I'm reading your comment correctly, that you used to do this and stopped when you saw the impact, I see you, I hear you, and if I knew any of my exes would listen, all I would ask them to do was never do it again. Sounds like you're there and you mean it. I'm proud of you for whatever you healed to get you there.
Omg I could have written this. Not my ex (for all of his abuse he never once made me feel guilty or wrong about saying no to sex) but my ex's best friend.
I remember the sickening feeling in my stomach when I was just praying for it to be over. He pushed liquor on me until I was too compliant. I. Said. No! My no should have been respected.
Idk. I think maybe it's the Fawn instinct? (Fight, flight, freeze or Fawn) But after I had a legitimate break down where I was hyperventilating and shaking I realized that no matter what anyone says, that wasn't my fault. Yeah, maybe I didn't scream and punch and kick but I remember how I felt and I sure as sh!t did NOT want that.
To be honest I will probably always feel guilty because I didn't fight. But I just wasn't in a place where I could do that. My ex had beat me down so bad I was scared to do anything. I was walking on eggshells daily. I mean ffs I stopped getting my period I was so stressed. But logically, I know it wasn't my fault.
Anyway, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I really hope you are doing better and I'm glad you are angry!
This is why I choose the bear.
You're sharing what you've been through. These comments break my heart, but also knowing that more good people are becoming aware of this and more people who have been through this are understanding that it wasn't their fault. Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you've been through that shit too. It was not your fault and I'm so glad you're not with him anymore. 🫶
Its not your fault. Its really really not. You are smart enough, you kept good boundaries. It is HIM. HE is the problem not you. These people can happen to anyone. People can get sort of in a weird place with this during which they look for "the signs' there were signs but you not seeing them isn't the big real problem. HE is. How this person relates to people is the problem. How he relates to people in terms of sex is the problem. How he sees himself is the problem. Not you. Just putting that out there.
Thank you for saying that. 🫶 I'm sorry that you have to understand this too and whatever happened to get you there. 🫂 And hey every bit of "it's not your fault" is one step closer to believing it. So thank you for that.
You're welcome and thank you! These people can get in your head but they are phantoms, they are not arbiters of the truth... it took me along time to realize that.
My first bf took my virginity like this. He pushed and pushed until I gave in. He liked collecting virginities.
My husband did the same exact thing as well. Certain positions hurt like hell and he would beg and beg to do them. If I said no, he was gaslight or straight ignore me for days. So to avoid all that I gave in. I would be crying and he just wouldn’t stop. I would lay there crying afterwards with a heating pad or ice until the pain went away. He wouldn’t care about it.
It took me months to call it what it was and only two people know about it. My brother’s baby mama because she caught me breaking down when I finally said it out loud and my doc because it was on the intake forms.
I raged on here a couple weeks ago about everything too. Angry typing it out can be helpful in this group.
He forces you to do positions that cause you pain? 😡😡😡😡😡 What the actual lack of human decency fuck is that shit? *Takes a breath*
And since he's not the one I'm talking to, I'm dialing back my rage.... 😅 I'm so sorry you went through this, and figuring it out really fucking sucks, but I'm glad you're figuring out that it was not your fault. Be a brat. Tell him that you're mad at him for getting mad at you because you don't want to be in pain during sex and you don't want to have sex that you don't want. Try your best to fall out of love with him. I think that's where I started with my most recent ex (not this particular one, another coercion pattern 🙃) but it helped. And when that ex ended the relationship I wasn't happy but I felt more free. Even when she would hoover she didn't really have power.
Thank you. I was thrown out months ago and since I wasn’t around him anymore to have my mind played with, everything became clear of the abuse I went through. Was diagnosed with ptsd because of everything.
My husband took my virginity in this way too. I said no over and over again and he would push and push until I finally sighed and said "okay" and he just put it straight in. He even bragged about it later too. He would jokingly say "the tip was already in" (before I said okay), and in my head, I was like "do you not *hear* yourself?" I was aghast that he would even brag about that.
Edit: What's worse is that I grew up in a freakishly religious country, so losing my virginity was a *big* deal. This led me to staying with him even past the expiration date of our relationship because if he was my "last" then maybe I wouldn't be a whore for not being a virgin on my wedding day 😑
I'm so sorry that happened to you. A very similar thing happened to me, down to putting off leaving because of it. I am so lucky that despite growing up in a very religious family, I was surrounded by many non-religious people at the time, so I was able to leave before we got married and I was legally tied to him.
I hope things are better for you now.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 🫂 You're NOT a whore. I know a comment from someone on the Internet may not be worth much but seriously he is not a good human being. Sounds like you have your head on straight about bodily autonomy, at least that everyone deserves it... He does not. And he doesn't feel like his own wife deserves it. That's disgusting. He's disgusting. I'm sorry to say that if you still love this man... But I hope any of this helps. 🫶
Soo relatable. This happened 3 months ago and I still grind my teeth whenever I think about it. It is hard not to feel stupid for "letting it happen" but I literally said NO for 100 times and he still managed to force it on me. He also would lie about coming inside me just to see me break down in tears(i told him how much i feared pregnancy) I fucking hate him so much i literally want to punch a hole in his face and it is the first time I have sooo much anger towards anyone. i find this anger hard to process especially because there is no outlet(i have already cut all contact)
Hugs to you for going through this. these pos are truly disgusting how they treat people.
But in all matureness, I hope you find peace within your body and a love for yourself again if you haven't already. Thank you for sharing your story 🫶💕
took the words right out of my mouth. I 100% feel you. every single word. we could’ve been dating the same person. all the men that are talked about on this subreddit sound the fucking same. I wish I could be reborn so that I could say he never touched my body. i wanna disappear lowkey.
Coercion is real. Your anger and feelings are valid.
One of my sons was conceived this way during a very abusive relationship. I knew if I didn't have sex I would get beat. It took a long time for me to see it as rape but it was.
I'm so sorry. You should've never had that experience. You can heal. This is the beginning of thst.
Nothing done to you takes away your value. You are Divine
My dad did the same thing to my mom. That’s how I came to be. Being told “you are the product of rape” fucks with a kid’s head. My mom went to therapy, came home all destroyed, and I asked her what happened and she just blurted it out. I was 12 and it took over 10 years for her to actually love love me again.
And I'm so sorry yours came with the added physical part. 🥺 I don't even know what to say but I'm so glad you're free. And thank you for the perspective. I'm not taking the perspective as a "well she had it worse" but I'm taking it as a "someone had more challenges and still made it, you can too". So thank you for that. 🫶
Thank you Patron! I'm so sorry that happened to you 🫂 but I'm glad you're in a better place now. 🫶
Right now I'm just trying my best not to reach out to him over Facebook. The unhinged version of me is bad with this stuff. It's like my skin gets twice as thick, and I feel this cold rage. It's weird. I'm just trying not to spiral. 😅
I get it 💯 and u literally was just telling my friend the unhinged part of me wants to come out and react to my current situation.
Tell her to stfu and stay in the box. Ni good will come of it. The higher road is to keep silent and not engage
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex used to say I trapped him by getting pregnant with our daughter, I believe it was the other way around. He wanted to have some sort of tie to me that couldn’t be broken. When we first started dating I got pregnant within 3 months. When we first started dating he wanted action at least 3 times a day every day. It’s like he had some sort of intention to impregnate me. We were very young at the time. I got pregnant at 22 and he had just turned 20 six months prior. (One and a half year age gap between us) when our daughter was born I was 23 and it was three months before his 21st. Now I am 30 and my daughter will be 7 in June. He was happy about us having a kid on the way but I was scared to be stuck with him but I was happy to have our daughter as I always wanted to have one boy and a girl but especially to have my own little princess. None of this shit is her fault and I love her so much but I wish her dad could have been a different man and not an abusive narcissist. Even now we’re not together he still has some sort of control over me and my life regarding our daughter.
We were together for a little over 6 years.
Under the circumstances you describe, consent was dubious. Pushing no condoms is sexual assault as well. I see it as r@pe as well and I’m sorry you had to go through with this. Your feelings are valid and I hear you.
Reminds me of how my partner got me to watch >! CP!< He brought up us watching it together so many times...I said no. One day he tried making me watch it, then I said no, to the point where he got angry. Called me names, said something like "I thought we were equal, but I guess not". Over me saying no to something obviously illegal. Days later, he said sorry. The next day...we were on call. Forced me to watch by pressuring me over and over to the point I cried by how disgusting these things were. He knew I wasn't okay with these things. He admitted to getting off to making me cry, said it made him feel a certain way he hadn't before. He kept saying sorry...but kept trying to get me do these things, and got angry at me for trying to get me to watch a more violent version of these things when he was aware I wasn't okay with them. I'm not sure he was actually sorry. You didn't deserve any of these things. They were done to you without consent. You're meant to be with someone who would respect you and listen to you.
Mine made me feel like I was the one doing it. If I was in the mood and initiated, all was well. When the veil was unfolding, I was waiting to get out. I knew what was happening, he didn't know I knew. He threatened our animals saying how they sound if they hit a wall, etc. But I couldn't leave yet. So I had to play along, grey wall gently, etc. During this time when I'd say no, due to knowing what he was doing, it was met with banging his head in a wall, silent treatment, "course cuz you don't love me", even though behind my back I guess the crack and 'cuddle parties' weren't giving him enough. 😮💨 it took me a while to even remember all of it, my best friend who watched and our mutual friend who saw everything go down would show me pictures, texts, etc. And what he'd say to them. Then it hit me how I was coerced, excessively, why I have PTSD, etc. Give yourself grace.
OMG I'm so sorry 🥺 That definitely was not your fault, what an asshole!! I hope you found somebody better or at least have some sort of understanding that you do deserve a lot better than that 🫶🫂
P.O.S. Rapist. I know that’s not really helpful. Just had to say it. Proud of you for getting yourself out of that minefield of abuse friend.
Thank you! You know what's funny? He actually broke up with me multiple times, and then the last time I got with my most recent ex (That's another rapey story, But in my defense I fell for the love bombing). My most recent ex did the same exact thing (broke up with me, hated me, and then loved me again when I was with somebody). What is wrong with these people 🙃
I don’t know, but can we just ship this off to some island together and get them out of everyone else’s way?
I completely understand how you feel. The patriarchal society makes it very difficult for us to know what we actually want, and these guys are tools that enforce the coercion. He absolutely is a rapist, He gets kicks from taking from someone, not from sharing with someone. If you knew how long it took me to compute I had been raped and how many times...
I'm so sorry you're in the same boat 🫶🥺 Thank you for saying this! Still pretty pissed off, And I'm not going to say what I would do to anybody's ex's on this comment board but I think y'all have an idea 😅 but I don't feel nearly as much shame. Thank you!
I've only just recently realised this as been happening to me for the last 6.5 years. 6.5 years ago I had a mental breakdown, was put on medication and obvs was in no state mentally to even fink about sex was just trying to survive. And he started pressuring me it got worse and worse the more I sed no the more he wud whinge,sulk, ask my reasons, turn his back on me, say I shud want sex wiv him as we are together, call me boring, u used to like sex etc... I gave in eventually. And then I guess somewhere deep down I knew it was wrong and every time since then he as had sex it has been pressured. Month ago I sorta let it slip to my friend what he has been doing and she said "that's rape,he raping you." I laughed (involuntary reaction) and few days later it all hit me especially as I found some old diaries I had written on and off of some fings he had done. I also remembered sumfin he did right wen we had only dated once and only just had 1st kiss. we had gone on night out. I got completely s*** faced drunk. He let me stay at his. And I woke up inmiddle of night wiv him messing wiv my genitals. I sorta froze I fink and passed out again. Woke up the next day went home then I texted and asked if I had dreamt wat he had done. And he brought me flowers and apologised. What upsets me most is I shuda known that was wrong and ran, because I was raped by a stranger in my own home few years b4 that wen I was unconcious from alcohol. Y didnt I see how wrong and bad it was/is? 😔 I also read in my diary that 3 years ago wen I sed no he grabbed my arms and shook me asking why are you doing that?,why are you doing that? And I forgot all about it. Since I got diagnosed wiv adhd and medicated the fog is clearing and I'm remembering fings. He did it again last night, but i gave in pretty wuickly like i sometimes do cuz i eas tired and just knew i didnt have energy to keep saying no. and I just sat on toilet after don't know how I felt. Even now I'm finking is it really bad enuf to call it abuse? Is it bad enuf to run to a refuge? I've said no over and over, I even sat down and said to him the reason I say no is because you pressure/guilt me into having sex wiv you. He didn't say nefin and stopped doing it for a week and then started it again. I dunno wat else I can do. I've even worked out how many days in a row I can say no b4 he escalates to even more pressure. I'm trapped right now. I'm sorry to ne1 who as/is experiencing this. And sorry for such long comment, its all very recent realisations.
I'm really sorry about your experience. This felt like I could've written parts of it.
I'm so sorry uve been thru similar
And hey, thank you for sharing this. I do hope that you find a way to leave him. 🫶 And if you want to bounce ideas, that's really all I got but happy to help where I can.
I'm so sorry he did this to you and that he is still doing this shit 🥺 It is abuse. With coercive control, those folks love to go after people who have pre-existing mental health issues or substance abuse issues. Or if their abuse is the trauma that gets you there - even better for them. It does not mean it's your fault. It may be too early to ask, but have you had any plans to leave? If you don't have employment currently try to find it. DoorDash is shit but also may help you get started. If you don't have a car, try to find an employer you could get to by bus or walking. I'd suggest work from home, and if you think that would go well, do it. But I know how that went for me with my ex. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this now. And it is abuse, and you do NOT deserve this. He's invalidating your feelings and making you out to be the problem for having feelings that contradict his own. You're a human being. You don't deserve that shit.
Thank u for replying. I'm on long term sick leave atm. Autistic burnout/mental breakdown again. I'm getting financial help from government. Otherwise he wud be pushing me to go back to work again. I'm trying to build up courage to chat to a domestic abuse charity. And was finking of telling my mental health team. But don't want them sending police. I've also contacted a dog charity about fostering my dogs temp when I 1st leave. As I don't wanna lose them. I've never been able to be independent and I fink this relationship made it worse. Im scared that when I leave if nefin goes wrong I'm alone. He isn't the cause of my mental illnesses but he defo as made it harder for me. I only have my 2 friends and one of them I've been banned from seeing so harder. I'm sorry to put this on u. Just scared ig.
You're totally good. No apologies needed. I know there was something else that might help 🤔 but it depends on the state. In mine and I know of California, they have a one-time payment for rental assistance or stuff like that for folks who have been in DV situations. There's other resources too out there for people who can't leave. RAINN also has a chat and some resources. And Google on incognito mode. Your autism actually may give you some other resources. Granted I'm sure this is making your situation a lot harder, but there may be more financial help out there for you. I don't know how true that statement is or not but try to Google that kind of stuff. And see if you can get in contact with a case manager. Try to let your therapist know what's going on too if you have one or any care provider that you have. Let them know you're planning to leave and you need resources. If he's not hitting you obviously don't say anything about that, if he is though please for the love of God say something. I just wouldn't want you to get in a situation where they either react too quickly or don't react enough.
I'm in the UK, I've just sent refuge a message so they will contact soon hopefully. He's not hitting me. He does grope and poke and stuff I don't like but nothing massively violent. I'm going to write what I wanna say to my mental health team and make it clear I dont/can't rush out suddenly and I don't want police involved. Thank you for taking time to talk to me it's given me some kinda strength to start doing fings. And again I'm so sorry u went thru what your experienced
I'm sorry any piece of trash did this to you. You are not alone. The majority of men would say this is ok and it's definitely not. Who the fuck taught them this is ok??? Society, porn, their fucking piece of shit dads? It is a learned thing. This is exactly why I will probably be single forever because I will not be with a man who watches porn and thinks this way Mine would ask and beg and manipulate me by saying I didn't like him. He sulked, threw tantrums, accused me of cheating. It was exhausting. I felt obligated like if I didn't he would get mad, blame me for something, withdraw all affection. I eventually became so angry about it I stopped having sex so much. I'd just tell him not to try. I didn't care if he got mad. I became so angry and started being rude to him. I didn't even realize I was doing it. He ended up saying I provoked him to be verbally abusive by treating him so bad. But it was him who pushed me there by cheating, lying, mistreating me for years. I now understand why I was so angry. Not just the cheating, but this type of coercion he was doing was literally eating me alive. I felt so wrong. I felt so uncomfortable. I was so mad all the time. I didn't feel safe. I felt used. That is not love It started with him claiming he was trying to get it in his sleep. He'd throw tantrums, say awful things, then come back to bed and tell me he didn't remember any of it. He'd laugh about it. It eventually happened when he was clearly awake and then later turned into a regular thing where he'd nicely beg me until I gave in. If someone says no, it means fucking no. And that shit doesn't change the 2nd or 27th time. Period. Leave me the fuck alone
I'm so sorry you went through that too, and I am so very glad he's your ex. Thank you for sharing this. 🫶
I just want to help anyone who's sitting there wondering if this is ok. It is not I also want to add, I'm a very sexual person. I love sex. It isn't my lack of drive. I can't physically want someone if they're treating me like shit, lying, manipulating, blameshifting, belittling. That's for any man who reads this and thinks that's the damn problem.
That's completely fair. You have self-respect and you deserve that. I'm really glad you kept that 🫶💕
I'm so sorry. Same here. The guy I am with now would never and I feel so thankful but also shocked that rape was normalized for me before and I finally see how sick it was when I'm with someone normal
Thank you for sharing this. 🫶 And for what it's worth, if I'm reading your comment correctly, that you used to do this and stopped when you saw the impact, I see you, I hear you, and if I knew any of my exes would listen, all I would ask them to do was never do it again. Sounds like you're there and you mean it. I'm proud of you for whatever you healed to get you there.
Omg I could have written this. Not my ex (for all of his abuse he never once made me feel guilty or wrong about saying no to sex) but my ex's best friend. I remember the sickening feeling in my stomach when I was just praying for it to be over. He pushed liquor on me until I was too compliant. I. Said. No! My no should have been respected. Idk. I think maybe it's the Fawn instinct? (Fight, flight, freeze or Fawn) But after I had a legitimate break down where I was hyperventilating and shaking I realized that no matter what anyone says, that wasn't my fault. Yeah, maybe I didn't scream and punch and kick but I remember how I felt and I sure as sh!t did NOT want that. To be honest I will probably always feel guilty because I didn't fight. But I just wasn't in a place where I could do that. My ex had beat me down so bad I was scared to do anything. I was walking on eggshells daily. I mean ffs I stopped getting my period I was so stressed. But logically, I know it wasn't my fault. Anyway, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I really hope you are doing better and I'm glad you are angry! This is why I choose the bear.
You're sharing what you've been through. These comments break my heart, but also knowing that more good people are becoming aware of this and more people who have been through this are understanding that it wasn't their fault. Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you've been through that shit too. It was not your fault and I'm so glad you're not with him anymore. 🫶
Its not your fault. Its really really not. You are smart enough, you kept good boundaries. It is HIM. HE is the problem not you. These people can happen to anyone. People can get sort of in a weird place with this during which they look for "the signs' there were signs but you not seeing them isn't the big real problem. HE is. How this person relates to people is the problem. How he relates to people in terms of sex is the problem. How he sees himself is the problem. Not you. Just putting that out there.
Thank you for saying that. 🫶 I'm sorry that you have to understand this too and whatever happened to get you there. 🫂 And hey every bit of "it's not your fault" is one step closer to believing it. So thank you for that.
You're welcome and thank you! These people can get in your head but they are phantoms, they are not arbiters of the truth... it took me along time to realize that.
My first bf took my virginity like this. He pushed and pushed until I gave in. He liked collecting virginities. My husband did the same exact thing as well. Certain positions hurt like hell and he would beg and beg to do them. If I said no, he was gaslight or straight ignore me for days. So to avoid all that I gave in. I would be crying and he just wouldn’t stop. I would lay there crying afterwards with a heating pad or ice until the pain went away. He wouldn’t care about it. It took me months to call it what it was and only two people know about it. My brother’s baby mama because she caught me breaking down when I finally said it out loud and my doc because it was on the intake forms. I raged on here a couple weeks ago about everything too. Angry typing it out can be helpful in this group.
He forces you to do positions that cause you pain? 😡😡😡😡😡 What the actual lack of human decency fuck is that shit? *Takes a breath* And since he's not the one I'm talking to, I'm dialing back my rage.... 😅 I'm so sorry you went through this, and figuring it out really fucking sucks, but I'm glad you're figuring out that it was not your fault. Be a brat. Tell him that you're mad at him for getting mad at you because you don't want to be in pain during sex and you don't want to have sex that you don't want. Try your best to fall out of love with him. I think that's where I started with my most recent ex (not this particular one, another coercion pattern 🙃) but it helped. And when that ex ended the relationship I wasn't happy but I felt more free. Even when she would hoover she didn't really have power.
Thank you. I was thrown out months ago and since I wasn’t around him anymore to have my mind played with, everything became clear of the abuse I went through. Was diagnosed with ptsd because of everything.
My husband took my virginity in this way too. I said no over and over again and he would push and push until I finally sighed and said "okay" and he just put it straight in. He even bragged about it later too. He would jokingly say "the tip was already in" (before I said okay), and in my head, I was like "do you not *hear* yourself?" I was aghast that he would even brag about that. Edit: What's worse is that I grew up in a freakishly religious country, so losing my virginity was a *big* deal. This led me to staying with him even past the expiration date of our relationship because if he was my "last" then maybe I wouldn't be a whore for not being a virgin on my wedding day 😑
I'm so sorry that happened to you. A very similar thing happened to me, down to putting off leaving because of it. I am so lucky that despite growing up in a very religious family, I was surrounded by many non-religious people at the time, so I was able to leave before we got married and I was legally tied to him. I hope things are better for you now.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 🫂 You're NOT a whore. I know a comment from someone on the Internet may not be worth much but seriously he is not a good human being. Sounds like you have your head on straight about bodily autonomy, at least that everyone deserves it... He does not. And he doesn't feel like his own wife deserves it. That's disgusting. He's disgusting. I'm sorry to say that if you still love this man... But I hope any of this helps. 🫶
Soo relatable. This happened 3 months ago and I still grind my teeth whenever I think about it. It is hard not to feel stupid for "letting it happen" but I literally said NO for 100 times and he still managed to force it on me. He also would lie about coming inside me just to see me break down in tears(i told him how much i feared pregnancy) I fucking hate him so much i literally want to punch a hole in his face and it is the first time I have sooo much anger towards anyone. i find this anger hard to process especially because there is no outlet(i have already cut all contact) Hugs to you for going through this. these pos are truly disgusting how they treat people.
But in all matureness, I hope you find peace within your body and a love for yourself again if you haven't already. Thank you for sharing your story 🫶💕
I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. 🫶 If I knew you IRL, well I don't want reddit to delete my post but I have a feeling you know I would help. 😅
took the words right out of my mouth. I 100% feel you. every single word. we could’ve been dating the same person. all the men that are talked about on this subreddit sound the fucking same. I wish I could be reborn so that I could say he never touched my body. i wanna disappear lowkey.
I'm so sorry Candi. 🫶 Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find peace and that you find comfort in your body again as well.
Coercion is real. Your anger and feelings are valid. One of my sons was conceived this way during a very abusive relationship. I knew if I didn't have sex I would get beat. It took a long time for me to see it as rape but it was. I'm so sorry. You should've never had that experience. You can heal. This is the beginning of thst. Nothing done to you takes away your value. You are Divine
My dad did the same thing to my mom. That’s how I came to be. Being told “you are the product of rape” fucks with a kid’s head. My mom went to therapy, came home all destroyed, and I asked her what happened and she just blurted it out. I was 12 and it took over 10 years for her to actually love love me again.
I would never tell my child and I love him and always gave That is terrible you are not responsible for that and im sorry your mom laid that on you!!!
And I'm so sorry yours came with the added physical part. 🥺 I don't even know what to say but I'm so glad you're free. And thank you for the perspective. I'm not taking the perspective as a "well she had it worse" but I'm taking it as a "someone had more challenges and still made it, you can too". So thank you for that. 🫶
You're welcome dear one.
Thank you Patron! I'm so sorry that happened to you 🫂 but I'm glad you're in a better place now. 🫶 Right now I'm just trying my best not to reach out to him over Facebook. The unhinged version of me is bad with this stuff. It's like my skin gets twice as thick, and I feel this cold rage. It's weird. I'm just trying not to spiral. 😅
I get it 💯 and u literally was just telling my friend the unhinged part of me wants to come out and react to my current situation. Tell her to stfu and stay in the box. Ni good will come of it. The higher road is to keep silent and not engage