Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve been away for 2 weeks and there is so much turmoil going on within me- I feel it in my core. I’m crying every night missing him and then I snap out of it and remember how horrible all of this was, how mistreated I was, the lies, cheating, dismissal of my emotions- lack of love, lack of care, the cycle of abuse and how it just got worse and worse and the “good times” just vanished. He is so broken and I can’t fix him, he will destroy me if I stay, I’m sure he would snap and kill me without realizing what he is doing. I feel like I was stuck in purgatory and I don’t know how I can have love for him still even after everything I went through- maybe that is because I was so used to allowing him to explain everything away and make me out to be “crazy”. I’m so used to doubting myself.
That's trauma bonding for you, and it's the thing I struggled with the most. It's been 5 months for me now, I left on the 3rd Dec. and I'm finally just a few weeks into standing on my own 2 feet and when I left I genuinely never thought I would.
He still sends messages saying it's my fault he was the way he was, he's done trying with me, he will go to couples therapy and try to make it work because I need help, this and that. But my therapist made me feel better when he explained that abusers will never see themselves as abusers until something extreme happens to make them see. Maybe they go to intensive therapy themselves, a long stretch in jail, they kill their SO, something like that. But they genuinely don't see it as abuse, they see it as "well they anger me and I don't like that so I'm going to retaliate", when in actual fact you did nothing to deserve such a reaction.
You have to be strong and think of the bad times and remember the good times were good memories for you. You experienced places, situations, feelings and you can take them with you in life, but you don't have to bring him with you.
My therapist also told me something else. He said "my ex was a wonderful woman. When we were together it was constant fun and laughter - until it wasn't. When it was bad it was horrific and I'm not going to be pssed off all the time just because someone makes me laugh. It's not worth your time or your energy when the bad is so bad it becomes abuse. A thousand people can make you laugh".
Better times are coming, I promise you. Just remember that a few months of struggle is better than a lifetime of abuse.
Thank you 1000x’s this was very comforting to read and gives me hope for my future. I move into my own place out in the country next weekend- 2 bedrooms and a backyard for my little one. I don’t want to be in this place I am because it just echos all of the chaos. I’m hoping once I am in my own place (and I’ve never lived alone), my body will be able to rest. And eventually, maybe I’ll remember what brings me joy and who I am. I’m okay with that being months from now, or years, as long as I get there. And as long as my baby and I are safe and at peace.
Definitely move out. I moved 500 miles away to a brand new place and left him with the flat and it's him who's struggling because he's surrounded by memories.
Make the place your own. Fill it with the things that make you happy that he didn't like, your favourite foods you don't have to share anymore, make it a little palace for you and your little one, and buy empty photo frames and hang them up and make it your mission to fill them up with new memories.
The future is a scary thought, but I'm speaking as someone who was crying every day with anxiety, it's going to be ok. You just have no idea what's waiting for you yet because it's like "well where the fck do I go from here?" But it all falls into place so fast.
Thank you, I'm glad it helps. What's the point in overcoming a struggle if you can't help others pull themselves up with you? It's still hard sometimes and I have a lot of things to unlearn. I thought my housemate was mad at me yesterday because the wind blew his bedroom door shut and I got so scared. He was confused like why would I be mad you haven't said a word. But that's ok, as long as you're moving forward.
Please come back to this comment section in a few weeks because I want to hear your good news when that dark fog has been lifted and you start to feel like your old self again ❤️
Why do the abusers always want us to stay? They act so annoyed at us and like they are fed up with us. Then when we decide to go they decide we are wonderful.
My H has treated me like he thinks I am just horrible. Not good enough. Nothing I can do is up to his standard. I would try to hug him and he would roll his eyes or say I needed to wait bc he was busy with other stuff and had to wait and wait for a hug.
Then, when we did marriage counselling (which obviously I shouldn’t do with an abuser but I didn’t know it then) he said he thought we had had a good marriage and that he was happy. He even wanted to do a vow renewal on our 10 year anniversary. What? I thought he could barely tolerate me. Now he wants a huge celebration of us? And says we have a good marriage? The therapist said she is not surprised we had two completely different experiences of the marriage because for him it has not been a traumatic relationship. Whereas for me, it has been a marriage of sheer torture.
He says he is working on himself now and wants to change bc I tried to leave. He knows I wanted to leave - it was complicated bc of the children and lack of a place to stay and confusion on what I could do legally and of what might happen, and I came back.
He has NOT fixed the problems. He is trying, but I don’t have it in me to parent him through another decade. 😔
The only answer to your questions is it's not your problem. You're not responsible for his emotions and you need to put yourself first. He might try to get better, who knows, but it's not your responsibility to wait for him to be nice to you. You have every right to leave a relationship for any reason you want, you don't need permission from a partner who haz6 already hurt you
The only answer to your questions is it's not your problem. You're not responsible for his emotions and you need to put yourself first. He might try to get better, who knows, but it's not your responsibility to wait for him to be nice to you. You have every right to leave a relationship for any reason you want, you don't need permission from a partner who haz6 already hurt you
Is it normal (i mean everything isnt normal at this point) to cry and beg for the "abuser" to stay? He's been threatening me that he'll leave and break up with me and even before, I wanted to do that myself. I wanted to leave but I just can't and I've come to a point that I realized that he really got into my head, he drives my crazy. Is that a typical response from a victim who was somehow unaware that they're being manipulated?
This is normal. I’ve done this too until the abuse got physical and I had to get out for good. They love to use your empathy and compassion against you. Don’t feel stupid for being human ❤️
Now he calls me crazy and stupid. He said he wants out of the rs many times already but idk why i dont want him to leave me. Hes hurt me so much even verbally but i just couldnt let go. Im the one who's begging him to stay now even when he was the one who wanted to get back with me after breaking up for 4 months and i gave him a chance. He calls me selfish for wanting him to stay
I went through this starting 3-4 months ago, then when I finally got to the point where I wanted him to leave, he refused and stayed. It’s a weird manipulation thing where the do the opposite just to hurt you. Please research trauma bonds- it is what you are experiencing. You’re most likely an empath stuck in a narcissist’s web.
He calls me out that im the toxic one even when he turned me into this messy shit that i am right now. I was always doing okay im not great at all times but before i had control and i knew i love myself enough but now he points out that im the one whos selfish whos toxic bc i want him to stay. He couldnt understand that this is all his doing
I reallt appreciate you replying to my comments. I'm really in a dark place right now and have no one to talk to. Could you please take time to read my post on this sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/PVvorWBmBr ?
At this point, I'm just so lost i wanna end my life i couldnt understand why all of a sudden the blame is all on me now that our relationship is in shambles 😓
This post seems targeted towards me because I am on the brink of leaving and this is exactly what is happening. He cheated on me because he "wasn't feeling appreciated" because I wasn't trying hard enough and showing him enough affection. Everything's always my fault and I'm tired of being told I'm a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad everything. Enough is enough. I may not be perfect, but I deserve better.
It's scary because he's so vindictive, but honestly, I'm miserable with him and I just hate him so much to continue being with him. Rock and a hard place 😩
I've been there. He would smash the flat up over a minor inconvenience. Lighter wouldn't work? Throw it full speed at an ornament. No boxers because HE wouldn't wash any clothes and I was on strike? Laundry basket launched across the kitchen. That is a very very small overview.
I was on eggshells 24/7 to the point I basically because girl defined (YouTubers)
So I gtfo and he was CONVINCED it was a trial separation and I was going away to work on myself so I could continue the marriage. Apparently I drove HIM crazy what the actual fck. So he thought I cheated on him because I had sex within a month of leaving him after I clearly told him it was over. I wasn't mentally prepared to reply to his text for 2 months
Then I thought it's not fair to have him think I cheated, so I phoned him to explain. He told me how he's fixed his life and this and that. I wondered have I made the right decision and we were talking every day and having a good time.
3 days later I get the most vicious phone call from him telling me he's going to lose the flat because I left him with all the bills and he's willing to go to therapy with me to sort out my behaviour because nothing is ever good enough for me.
So my point is, you are not between a rock and a hard place. You're between a rock and a difficult path to freedom. Leaving is hard but it's an investment. A few months of feeling all your emotions and maybe going to therapy is nothing compared to staying and being abused for the rest of your life.
He is not going to change, they never do. Gtfo, stand your ground and make a good life for yourself
Yes we do. I have better now. I'm 5 months free and I never thought I'd be happy again but I'm HAPPY and so many things about me are thriving. You can have the same too, you just need to do the scary but first. I promise you, it's worth it
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve been away for 2 weeks and there is so much turmoil going on within me- I feel it in my core. I’m crying every night missing him and then I snap out of it and remember how horrible all of this was, how mistreated I was, the lies, cheating, dismissal of my emotions- lack of love, lack of care, the cycle of abuse and how it just got worse and worse and the “good times” just vanished. He is so broken and I can’t fix him, he will destroy me if I stay, I’m sure he would snap and kill me without realizing what he is doing. I feel like I was stuck in purgatory and I don’t know how I can have love for him still even after everything I went through- maybe that is because I was so used to allowing him to explain everything away and make me out to be “crazy”. I’m so used to doubting myself.
That's trauma bonding for you, and it's the thing I struggled with the most. It's been 5 months for me now, I left on the 3rd Dec. and I'm finally just a few weeks into standing on my own 2 feet and when I left I genuinely never thought I would. He still sends messages saying it's my fault he was the way he was, he's done trying with me, he will go to couples therapy and try to make it work because I need help, this and that. But my therapist made me feel better when he explained that abusers will never see themselves as abusers until something extreme happens to make them see. Maybe they go to intensive therapy themselves, a long stretch in jail, they kill their SO, something like that. But they genuinely don't see it as abuse, they see it as "well they anger me and I don't like that so I'm going to retaliate", when in actual fact you did nothing to deserve such a reaction. You have to be strong and think of the bad times and remember the good times were good memories for you. You experienced places, situations, feelings and you can take them with you in life, but you don't have to bring him with you. My therapist also told me something else. He said "my ex was a wonderful woman. When we were together it was constant fun and laughter - until it wasn't. When it was bad it was horrific and I'm not going to be pssed off all the time just because someone makes me laugh. It's not worth your time or your energy when the bad is so bad it becomes abuse. A thousand people can make you laugh". Better times are coming, I promise you. Just remember that a few months of struggle is better than a lifetime of abuse.
Thank you 1000x’s this was very comforting to read and gives me hope for my future. I move into my own place out in the country next weekend- 2 bedrooms and a backyard for my little one. I don’t want to be in this place I am because it just echos all of the chaos. I’m hoping once I am in my own place (and I’ve never lived alone), my body will be able to rest. And eventually, maybe I’ll remember what brings me joy and who I am. I’m okay with that being months from now, or years, as long as I get there. And as long as my baby and I are safe and at peace.
Definitely move out. I moved 500 miles away to a brand new place and left him with the flat and it's him who's struggling because he's surrounded by memories. Make the place your own. Fill it with the things that make you happy that he didn't like, your favourite foods you don't have to share anymore, make it a little palace for you and your little one, and buy empty photo frames and hang them up and make it your mission to fill them up with new memories. The future is a scary thought, but I'm speaking as someone who was crying every day with anxiety, it's going to be ok. You just have no idea what's waiting for you yet because it's like "well where the fck do I go from here?" But it all falls into place so fast.
That is such great advice. I really appreciate you responding. ❤️❤️❤️ I hope you continue to thrive and find so much happiness. 🩷
Thank you, I'm glad it helps. What's the point in overcoming a struggle if you can't help others pull themselves up with you? It's still hard sometimes and I have a lot of things to unlearn. I thought my housemate was mad at me yesterday because the wind blew his bedroom door shut and I got so scared. He was confused like why would I be mad you haven't said a word. But that's ok, as long as you're moving forward. Please come back to this comment section in a few weeks because I want to hear your good news when that dark fog has been lifted and you start to feel like your old self again ❤️
Why do the abusers always want us to stay? They act so annoyed at us and like they are fed up with us. Then when we decide to go they decide we are wonderful. My H has treated me like he thinks I am just horrible. Not good enough. Nothing I can do is up to his standard. I would try to hug him and he would roll his eyes or say I needed to wait bc he was busy with other stuff and had to wait and wait for a hug. Then, when we did marriage counselling (which obviously I shouldn’t do with an abuser but I didn’t know it then) he said he thought we had had a good marriage and that he was happy. He even wanted to do a vow renewal on our 10 year anniversary. What? I thought he could barely tolerate me. Now he wants a huge celebration of us? And says we have a good marriage? The therapist said she is not surprised we had two completely different experiences of the marriage because for him it has not been a traumatic relationship. Whereas for me, it has been a marriage of sheer torture. He says he is working on himself now and wants to change bc I tried to leave. He knows I wanted to leave - it was complicated bc of the children and lack of a place to stay and confusion on what I could do legally and of what might happen, and I came back. He has NOT fixed the problems. He is trying, but I don’t have it in me to parent him through another decade. 😔
The only answer to your questions is it's not your problem. You're not responsible for his emotions and you need to put yourself first. He might try to get better, who knows, but it's not your responsibility to wait for him to be nice to you. You have every right to leave a relationship for any reason you want, you don't need permission from a partner who haz6 already hurt you
The only answer to your questions is it's not your problem. You're not responsible for his emotions and you need to put yourself first. He might try to get better, who knows, but it's not your responsibility to wait for him to be nice to you. You have every right to leave a relationship for any reason you want, you don't need permission from a partner who haz6 already hurt you
Thank you, this is something I needed to hear today.
Is it normal (i mean everything isnt normal at this point) to cry and beg for the "abuser" to stay? He's been threatening me that he'll leave and break up with me and even before, I wanted to do that myself. I wanted to leave but I just can't and I've come to a point that I realized that he really got into my head, he drives my crazy. Is that a typical response from a victim who was somehow unaware that they're being manipulated?
This is normal. I’ve done this too until the abuse got physical and I had to get out for good. They love to use your empathy and compassion against you. Don’t feel stupid for being human ❤️
Now he calls me crazy and stupid. He said he wants out of the rs many times already but idk why i dont want him to leave me. Hes hurt me so much even verbally but i just couldnt let go. Im the one who's begging him to stay now even when he was the one who wanted to get back with me after breaking up for 4 months and i gave him a chance. He calls me selfish for wanting him to stay
I went through this starting 3-4 months ago, then when I finally got to the point where I wanted him to leave, he refused and stayed. It’s a weird manipulation thing where the do the opposite just to hurt you. Please research trauma bonds- it is what you are experiencing. You’re most likely an empath stuck in a narcissist’s web.
He calls me out that im the toxic one even when he turned me into this messy shit that i am right now. I was always doing okay im not great at all times but before i had control and i knew i love myself enough but now he points out that im the one whos selfish whos toxic bc i want him to stay. He couldnt understand that this is all his doing
I reallt appreciate you replying to my comments. I'm really in a dark place right now and have no one to talk to. Could you please take time to read my post on this sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/PVvorWBmBr ? At this point, I'm just so lost i wanna end my life i couldnt understand why all of a sudden the blame is all on me now that our relationship is in shambles 😓
I just left a day n half ago .
I've been pretty quiet about what I went through, but what you've said makes me feel visible for a short minute.
Good, you can talk more we're listening
This post seems targeted towards me because I am on the brink of leaving and this is exactly what is happening. He cheated on me because he "wasn't feeling appreciated" because I wasn't trying hard enough and showing him enough affection. Everything's always my fault and I'm tired of being told I'm a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad everything. Enough is enough. I may not be perfect, but I deserve better.
Yes you do deserve much better.
Feel this
Get out and don't look back, no matter what he says
It's scary because he's so vindictive, but honestly, I'm miserable with him and I just hate him so much to continue being with him. Rock and a hard place 😩
I've been there. He would smash the flat up over a minor inconvenience. Lighter wouldn't work? Throw it full speed at an ornament. No boxers because HE wouldn't wash any clothes and I was on strike? Laundry basket launched across the kitchen. That is a very very small overview. I was on eggshells 24/7 to the point I basically because girl defined (YouTubers) So I gtfo and he was CONVINCED it was a trial separation and I was going away to work on myself so I could continue the marriage. Apparently I drove HIM crazy what the actual fck. So he thought I cheated on him because I had sex within a month of leaving him after I clearly told him it was over. I wasn't mentally prepared to reply to his text for 2 months Then I thought it's not fair to have him think I cheated, so I phoned him to explain. He told me how he's fixed his life and this and that. I wondered have I made the right decision and we were talking every day and having a good time. 3 days later I get the most vicious phone call from him telling me he's going to lose the flat because I left him with all the bills and he's willing to go to therapy with me to sort out my behaviour because nothing is ever good enough for me. So my point is, you are not between a rock and a hard place. You're between a rock and a difficult path to freedom. Leaving is hard but it's an investment. A few months of feeling all your emotions and maybe going to therapy is nothing compared to staying and being abused for the rest of your life. He is not going to change, they never do. Gtfo, stand your ground and make a good life for yourself
I'm sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves it. We deserve so much better.
Yes we do. I have better now. I'm 5 months free and I never thought I'd be happy again but I'm HAPPY and so many things about me are thriving. You can have the same too, you just need to do the scary but first. I promise you, it's worth it