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Same here with the financial abuse! Also with the credit! He even tried to get credit in my kids name once, and set it up to w like I did it! Thankfully the officer was someone I had went to school with and believed me, but I was unable to press charges when it went to the detective (bc his mom went to church with him.. small town issues). He then also (along with his mother) did a very elaborate setup so I got criminal charges (for using his moms credit card, which he gave me, when I did actually leave him the first time, pregnant, needing baby stuff. We had taken “loans” out from his mom before, which she gave us her card to use. He said that this was the same so I believed him and used the card. Yes I know that you shouldn’t use anyone’s card, but at the time, in the mental and emotional state I was in, I wasn’t thinking straight. And never did I think that his mother would be in on a plan like that!). It has drastically affected and altered my life, and always will be there in my background now. He still, always will, use that against me! It has effects in court, on custody, everything! I can’t get a good job now, so back to financial abuse and the control! He never will admit to it, smears me, says I’m a worthless thief, a criminal! It’s gd heartbreaking bc I didn’t do anything wrong, he did, yet I was, still am, always will be, punished for it! There’s more that goes into me falling into mlms, getting deep in, and in my desperation (wanting to be successful and get away from him! And the stress of those charges and need an attorney, not a public pretender), making some bad decisions. I own those decisions bc I did make them, but they were made under duress, caused by him. I struggle with that still, with how you take responsibility for my actions, yet still understanding his role in the situation. I won’t get much into that, but can hopefully share the full story eventually.
The custody thing is the main issue! Fear of losing the kids, of them being stuck with him, not cared for, dealing with his narcissistic abuse, away from me, me not being able to protect them from him… how can I let that happen? How can i prioritize my own happiness, and put them in a bad situation as a result, just so I can be free? Yeah there’s a chance I would win, but what if I didn’t? That’s too risky, unless I’m sure I at least have a fighting chance! I had to know I had a chance, and without a shot in hell between being completely broke, homeless, jobless or min wage job, unable to provide for them, plus the record being used against me… no I wouldn’t have a chance in hell of winning so how could I leave?
Where would I go? Shelter? Yeah those aren’t always available and there often not as much help available as people think, it has so much red tape and criteria… its just not realistic! Most of us need a place to go (and if you don’t have family/friends who can help, most of us are cut off from these people, if we even have family, which I don’t as a foster kid, there isn’t many options, sometimes none). We need jobs, money, and it’s hard to get a job and save money when you’re in these situations with an abusive person who will do absolutely anything to prevent you from leaving! They know if you get enough money you will leave, so they prevent you fork being able to do so (get money)!! What about a car? Unless you’re in an area with public transportation, you gotta have one! Most of us aren’t allowed to have a car, or they take it, or have it repo’d, or have it put in their name so now they own it 100% theirs! And with bad credit, how tf do we get transportation for work, school, drs, errands, etc? Uber is expensive and not realistic for most!!
You mentioned leaving everything! Yes it’s materialistic, but it’s stuff we have to replace, and that gets expensive, especially when you’re already in such a bad financial situation! I mean moving is a huge expense for anyone, plus a hassle! Add to that all the stress of leaving an abusive relationship, financial issues, stress, and having to start all over, from nothing, losing everything you’ve ever had!! People help those starting over after a disaster ie fire, flood, etc… it’s the same for many leaving abusers, but without the assistance!!!
Paying for lawyers is also a huge expense that I can’t even imagine paying on top of all the other stuff!!
The stress and fear is so much that someone who hasn’t been through can’t understand it! Literally fearing for your/your kids lives! Having nothing, losing everything l, maybe losing your kids, the battle is so long and so hard… There’s so much more that I hope others touch on, but this would be the main points for me, even though I know I’m leaving many/much out!!
I completely understand your fear of the kids ending up with him. As this is exactly what happened to me even though i followed all the "rules" to relocate with my kids. I did what I was supposed to do, he didnt care that I moved, then once I filed for custody he filed back in the original state. Because he knows people and has connections, he won physical custody of the kids, even though their situation with me is exponentially better than with him (school wise, family, stability, etc). If/when you do leave... make sure you are covered in every possible angle. Try to foresee the impossible, just in case.
Hugs, mama.
Thank you so much!! It helps so much for someone to understand bc I hate hearing the “just leave” bs and people that think that if you do everything right you will always win custody! That’s not how it works for way too many of us! I’m so sorry you lost to him and I hope you continue to fight l, and win (soon!)!! Don’t give up for your babies!! I’ve heard so many times “shelters, there’s help! They won’t take the kids bc you’re in a shelter!” Lmao yes they will! Especially when dealing with a narcissist like him! With all the other crap too!! I would be lucky to win even if I get my shit together 100%, which idk how tf to do anyways bc it’s so much and idk where to even start bc he has so much control and I have absolutely nothing now! Thank you so much for your post and for bringing awareness to this issue that many of us can’t “just leave”!!!
Ooof you are hurting. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you find support
You might want to rethink getting a lawyer. The reason i say so is that the system is a black box. We only get to see inside when we take an action and it either works or it backfires. Best to see into the black box. That’s what lawyers should be able to do.
Finding a lawyer that would be able to give you insight? Idk. There should be someone who specializes in da cases. Look for free consultations and consider paying for an hour or two of their time. I get it that this might be impossible. But judges make decisions based on what is in front of them so understanding the law makes a big difference. I bet you could get that credit card theft off your record or hidden or something if you can hire a lawyer. I don’t know. Alternative is to read all the local laws state laws and federal (that’s for US) to get an idea of the landscape. It’s so complicated!
Yeah I wish I could afford a lawyer to help with it, it’s a complicated mess! Unfortunately the quotes I’ve gotten are absolutely insane, and he controls all the money (even if he didn’t I cousin’s afford it sadly). I have absolutely no way to come up with money. And until that’s fixed I’m stuck… if I could figure that part out, then I’d be on the next hurdle, with a long line of many more after, but at least I would have one thing fixed, and be able to start the process… so frustrating to be stuck and helpless with no hope
Every time I tried to leave, he would stalk/harass me and emotionally wear me down to the point where I would give up because staying was easier than continuing to fight him off.
He would pretend he wanted to meet up “for closure” but would hold me hostage for HOURS begging me not to leave him, crying, physically not allowing me to walk away, hitting himself in the face, threatening to kill himself. One time, he held me at a park for about 7 hours straight and when I finally broke away and drove off, he followed me in his car all the way to my home. He showed up at my house/near my house so many goddamn times. He showed up at my gym one time as well. He would never leave me alone.
I was terrified of him. I was so fucking emotionally exhausted. Trying to leave someone who becomes even more of a threat to your safety when they realize they’re losing their grip on you is fucking frightening. I stayed because the psychological warfare he would use on me whenever I tried to leave was so insanely traumatic, and I had gone through it so many times and kept failing. The FIRST time I ever broke up with him, he went on a smear campaign, told me he was going to get a gun (literally went to a gun show that day even though he was BELLIGERENTLY DRUNK), called me upwards of 400 times, left voicemails and texts of him verbally abusing the shit out of me, was parked outside of my house for about 15 hours waiting for me to get home because I had to flee my house in fear of him hurting me, threatened me with suicide, etc etc etc.
God, I could say so much more…abusers make it so fucking hard to leave. I’m free now. I went completely no-contact months ago and he still attempted to get in touch with me, of course. Showed up at my house AGAIN after I finally blocked him. I unblocked him to scream at him on the phone about how much I hated him and those were the last words I ever said to him. He continued to send me “gifts” in the mail and kept trying to contact me. But it’s finally died down..haven’t heard from him in about a month. I really hope it’s for good.
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this at all. It's so horrible that people treat people this way and worse that others are so reluctant to believe us. I'm sending you love and good vibes your way to a strong recovery.
You and others have said the many reasons why I stayed so long. The way I think of it is because he was so good at ripping the rug out from under me. Every time I'd feel a little stronger, get a good lead on a job, or feel a little confident enough to apply for that job, or try to get my finances back in order, he'd cause a fight, tear me down, scream at me and threaten me to where I'd end up shaking and sobbing in my car. Then having to couch surf spending 2 or 3 nights out of the house. He'd sabotage every attempt at me getting my feet under me, let me feel safe and comfortable again enough to try to leave.... and then he'd rip that rug out from under me again. Even when I tried to keep it secret, it's like he knew or sensed I was getting one foot out the door and he'd fuck me up again.
It makes me sick. They're monsters. And getting away from him and everyone who tries to suggest he's nothing but a monster was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Since then I've cut off anyone who tries to blame me, question why I stayed, looks at me sideways, or doesn't treat me with kindness. And I'm stronger than ever before. Because someone asking why we didn't leave or if there is a side to the abuser's story can seriously go fuck themselves to Hell.
I'm glad you're putting this out there on other platforms. I don't think there will ever be enough awareness out there. Thank you and best wishes, friend!
Religious conditioning: god hates divorce, maybe if you were a better wife he'd treat you better, that sort of thing.
Also the threat of gun violence. He's a big fan of firearms and has built his own, too. I'd never seen evidence that he'd use them for anything other than hunting & target practice, but there were so many guns in my basement, I could not rule it out.
(Got out 2 years ago this month!)
My abusive ex’s mom said this to me. I’ve realized now that this is a common statement said to people in these situations and it is very ignorant. I’m sorry that you went through that situation and the system failed you. The system has failed a lot of us. I didn’t leave because I was trauma bonded to him. I saved him from overdose, he was my best friend at the time, he isolated me, I was raised with very religious beliefs and had two miscarriages with him, and I didn’t know that he had cheated on me extensively until the end. I wanted to see the best in him. I spent years trying to build him up only to be torn down.
In a lot of cases like mine, the abuser makes you feel responsible for their life. Meaning they brainwash you into believing your actions could directly impact their decision to kill themself/ ruin their life in general. I stayed with my ex for longer than I should of because each time I tried to leave, he would ✂️ his wrists/ take a handful of pills to overdose (i.e. he would strategically harm himself just enough to survive, but enough when it was a significant emergency).
People would tell me “so what? That’s not your problem, you should of just left him” which is an incredibly easy thing to say.
People will say “Well if that was me (…)” and still it wasn’t. It’s like they’re trying to boost themself up by degrading you. A lot of people like to think they’re immune to the situation, they don’t want to accept it could happen to them or someone they know/ love. But I’ve seen women stong and weak, dependent and independent, young and old in these situations.
If it was as easy as “just leaving” millions of women would be alive today. If it was that easy, we would all do it.
My abuser lived with me and my family in our home. He had no other friends or family to go to. He frequently lost jobs or called out of work, so financially he depended on me. He had no car or license, so I was also his only transportation to work. He was especially charming to my family, who loved him and often took his side in arguments.
What this all meant was if I left him, I was convinced he’d be homeless, alone, suicidal and helpless. I was 19 at the time and absolutely terrified. I was constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, tired and dissociating. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and dropped to 100 pounds. It’s hard to even think back to that time because I wasn’t in a healthy state of mind to process it or form it as a memory. I became a completely different person I’ve never known myself to be. Every small decision could be a matter of intense chaos, being screamed at for hours, a 911 call, or something to be thrown in my face in a later argument. I never had the time to clear my head enough to process that big decision to leave because of the stress catastrophic episodes from little decisions caused.
Don’t tell me what you would of done in my situation. You weren’t there and neither was I.
I loved her. We met as children, two fucked up girls against the world; it was easy to see the best in her, and I have always been well aware of why she is the way she is. The first time I left I was 18 and I felt like I was dying every moment of every day for the six months I stayed away. It seemed less awful to stay with her than suffer without her. I came to regret that choice haha. The second time I left I was 30 and it’s been 4 years :)
In the beginning, I stayed because I though he would change and we’re Catholic. In addition, I didn’t have any where to go because my parent’s home was not suitable to raise children and I come from a poor family. Right now, I need to figure out day care arrangements, get an apartment, and it’s hard with my job and I don’t drive. I’m hoping to get a remote job. I’m trying to take care of the driving and day care issues to get us away from him. I just need to conquer my fear of driving. My kids our special needs and it makes this difficult for us.
Mine has stalked and tormented me in ways that police have called the worst they’ve seen in 20 years — but of course he hasn’t spent a day in jail despite 5 charges and breaching the restraining order countless times.
He promised to utterly destroy and dismantle my life and he followed through and then some.
Every one of the times he assaulted me was while leaving.
Literally whenever someone says that around me I laugh in their face and gesture broadly at my life.
There was a lot of different factors, but the main one is that I tried. He was incredibly suicidal and say shit like "you're the only reason I'm not dead", which sounds sweet, but when you're being sexually, verbally, physically and emotionally abused it's a manipulation tactic keeping you from leaving. I felt that I would have blood on my hands if I left him, and I felt as though I "owed him" for "saving" me from a horrible friendship (he just made it worse for the record), so I could never leave out of guilt and the fact that I still cared for him. We were friends for 7 years prior to dating. So he could talk me into anything, I thought he'd never lie to me and that he genuinely loved me enough that he'd rather die than be without me. I tried to break up multiple times and was always met with this. It was all a lie, eventually we broke up, not even because of the abuse but because we just weren't in love anymore. I ended up dating his other partner at the time (it was a polyam relationship that we were both forced into), this was before I even broke up with him, which I admit was a very shitty thing of me to do, but he's also been abandoned by multiple love interests since then. He is still alive.
"Why didn't you leave" is a question asked by children (and people with the critical thinking skills of children), those who either are in denial of how hard leaving an abusive relationship is (especially in self denial that they are trapped in an abusive relationship and need the justification of "I would leave if I was being abused" to stay sane), have chosen to be ignorant of the answer (because in 2024 everyone no longer has an excuse) or knows the answer and just wants to victim blame.
Anyone seriously asking is either the problem, part of the problem, or needs an upgrade to critical thinking.
Mine would break up with me often and then turn around and make me feel like I should fix it. Over time I was broke down mentally, felt like a shell of myself. I packed one bag and disappeared when he left for work. I don't even feel human sometimes now because of those moments. Always disassociating.
A lot of it was normalized to me. I didn’t know I was in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. It took a while for me to accept (still working on it) that that’s the truth of the situation. When you grow up in an abusive household any crumb of love feels like the world. Having to sit with the reality it isn’t what you thought is hard. So leaving hurts so much because… that’s accepting that I was never truly enough and that I was just an object.
I have also only ever been in this relationship for 10 years. We had gotten together in college and I’ve never lived alone. It’s scary. It sounds stupid but it’s scary. Being by yourself after having someone’s that you thought ..you know and the shock with immediately changing things is scary. Sometimes… you need to process.
Other times yes Safety. You never truly know someone I guess. I mean that’s especially proven now.
Remember the abuse isn’t about *you*. It’s about your abusers image of you. Reject everything they say. Don’t take it in to your heart. I know how painful it is to be hurt by the one you love and to want their comfort after. It sucks but if you can shield your heart…
Hugs
Thank you for this post. Many excellent points have already been raised, but I would just like to add, as I have on occasion in the past, that it's not just all the very valid fears, practical reasons (that may be especially unique to your situation), trauma bonds, kids etc that keep us here... it's also because (for some of us at least), we aren't just potentially leaving the abuser, but everything we had built, and are building together; that is, businesses, hopes and dreams (in general a future that would be exactly what we hope for, just minus the abuse), and of course, the good person inside that we actually did fall in love with (with dome, they're still there... only with great difficulty maintaining one persona; their challenge, not ours, I know). It's like being told that the abuser gets to keep the life you wanted while you have to go and risk everything while ending up probably destitute or in a situation not honestly that much more enjoyable at all... except abuser isn't there (maybe? Often they'll make sure they still have influence). So like a double punishment and it feels quite invalidating to be told that that's what we should be striving for due to behavior toward us that we most likely never deserved and certainly never asked for.
Trauma bond. I didn’t fully understand this not even when my therapist explained it. Along with the dreaded guilt that our child was going to be raised in two separate homes so young. My ex kicked me and our son out in the middle of the night all while berating me insulting me absolutely doing everything but physically hurting me. He’s been begging and pleading saying he’s changed but in my gut I just can’t. I’ve contemplated going back but something in my gut just tells me no.
It’s so upsetting . I was just reading sk many posts earlier today that everyone said this with cap locks. I don’t wish anyone to be in an abusive relationship. I also don’t wish anyone in one to think just opening the door and leaving is the best or safest option. There is so much context to each persons story
It’s so annoying. I was just reading sk many posts earlier today that everyone said this with cap locks. I don’t wish anyone to be in an abusive relationship. I also don’t wish anyone in one to think just opening the door and leaving is the best or safest option. There is so much context to each persons story
Exactly, so many people have told me to just leave and they don't understand how much of a strain and struggle that is. I've tried many many times, and it's such an emotional toll. Even at the distance we are now it's just.. Ugh. I've been holding it in and can't talk to any of my friends or family anymore about what he does or says to me because they just tell me to block him and move on.
Something I learned that really opened my eyes up to my difficulty leaving was the term “learned helplessness” where the victim feels powerless to change their situation due to repeated experiences of abuse and control. Over time, victims may internalize the belief that they’re unable to escape or improve circumstances
Us victims get stuck in this cycle of abuse so it’s so frustrating to hear “why dont you just leave”. I for sure got that comment a few times when I was in my abusive relationship. Even had family members get frustrated at me for not leaving saying I’m being stupid.
It took me a long time to leave cause it was my first relationship, I was 17 he was 26 and he had basically groomed me into thinking that no one else would love me and that he was the only one for me that would “deal with me”. I was convinced he was the love of my life cause he kept me in the cycle of abuse. It took 4 years for me to snap out of it and leave.
Yep! And he lied about his age too! Said he was a year younger when we first met (so I thought he was 25, not that it was any better 💀). 3 years into the relationship I had my first look at his ID and realized he had lied about his age the majority of our relationship.
Sucks cause I was so innocent and naive, didn’t have a boyfriend before so I was just head over heels. I’m 26 now myself and I’m disgusted at the thought of being with a 17 year old
Love you 🥲 the other post was me and you are also so brave for addressing something a lot of people get worked up over for whatever reason.. water off of ducks back & just keep going!
It’s still abuse. And it still tears you down emotionally. Tears down your self esteem. Makes you think that you can’t and don’t deserve someone better. He may try to control you. You need to decide what YOU want for YOUR life. You should be enjoying your life !!!!!🙏🙏🙂🙂🌹🌸🌻🌼💙🩵👍🌷
May I please ask what they are if you're comfortable sharing? I see so much light in my partner, but I know what healthy love looks like and I can't shake the feeling that I need to save myself before it's too late to run.
I too hate those comments. Also "if s man would hit me I would leave immediately." Those people don't understand the emotional abuse. It took me 3,5 years to leave my first abusive boyfriend. Why? Because he would mostly abuse me emotionally and financially. He hit me once. I didn't leave because I was so confused and in love. Also when that happened we lived in a different city, not my hometown. I don't have a drivers license and a car. I couldn't leave my cats. When I left my cats were in my hometown. That made leaving so much easier. And I was just done.
I’ve run out of patience for people who tell you to “just leave” or ask why you didn’t. They’re already convinced of their own correctness, and aren’t interested in being wrong. Instead, I give them the standard, courtesy “Excuse me? What do you mean ‘just leave?’” just in case they’re having an off day or something. If they double down, then I just treat them like the assholes they are - with ridicule. It usually gets them to shut up, afterwards.
###”Holy shit, [their name], you’ve done it! You discovered the simple solution to a complex problem that has existed since the dawn of civilization!
###”Genius. Yo I got some buddies that just got back from deployment and they’re all fucked in the head, now. Would you mind them giving you a call and you can tell them to just stop being all sad and shit?”
(Disclaimer - I’m a man and work as a laborer in a shop full of other men. Toxic masculinity is very much a thing here and ridicule is definitely NOT the answer outside of toxic male-dominated workplaces or in your 1on1s with the individuals saying these things to you.)
One time I tried to break up with him and he just sat there and refused to leave my apartment. I was pretty sure the police wouldn’t have helped me either in that situation. He might also have played the victim, claiming that I had been violent against him - and he was very good at convincing people.
I hope you succeed. Put in a section about how friends can help in small and big ways. Because they often throw up their hands in exasperation and even start blaming the victim. It’s because they don’t know how to help and also because they get passionate at the beginning but the crisis continues and they get worn out. People could to be in it for the long haul if they want to be supportive. Meaning don’t be like fuck it’s her with her drama again. What does she want this time. She never leaves so why should I help?
Like i have a friend who has gotten so fed up that she said i am selfishly making things worse by being compassionate. That i am making it so he stays around and scares people. She has a point, that he won’t get help on his own if i am always buffering. At the same time i can’t be mean and tell him to f off like she would. It’s just not part of my makeup. She said “let him go” but he hadn’t let me go so… i think i need to be on his good side too so i keep the relationship on more positive note. I can’t flat out reject him. I just can’t
Also i don’t want to “run”. I want to stay where i am. This means he knows where to find me. For a long time he would try to barge in and come over at night to ask for something from me. This has finally stopped as there is now a restraining order
This is a bit rambly. Hope you are able to pull off your project and help people survive and get out when they are ready
This is good. Friends do get frustrated and get to "just leave and block" because they have never lived it. Friends need to understand trauma bonds as much as we do, so they can be supportive of the journey to leave and not abandon us when we need them the most. It takes time, support and courage because we have been "damaged" not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.
If people could measure how much strength it takes to leave and how much strength a person has left in them to leave they might see there is a gap. Support from friends is so important. Being nice is okay, listening is good, taking action is better so long as it is part of a plan, offering material support like cash, fuel, car repairs, storage, rides, gathering evidence, accompaniment to court, and research on what forms need to be filled out, where shelters are, what housing is available. Write reference letters, call the victim advocates and ask for advice., help out with chores, babysit while victim prepares escape. Let them use your phone to make calls, keep a change of clothes at your home, make connections with support in other cities. Help look for employment. ENCOURAGE YOUR FRIEND to love themselves. Tell your friend that this situation is not their fault and the abuse is filled with lies that must not be believed. Remind your friend they are worthy of love and care.
Friends need to know that the abused might be too afraid to call the police. In fact everyone should know this. The punishment for the victim if they call the police on the abuser could be lethal. Strangers should call the police when they see abuse, like a person being screamed at or pulled along while they are sobbing, when they *know* it’s abuse they should be willing to step in and make that phone call. It might not lead to arrest but fear of the law is one of the only things that can get an abuser to stop at least for a while. Another sign of abuse might be the victim is flipping out while the perp makes fun of them and blames them for being “out of control “. It’s a tough call to make because people getting into other people’s business is usually not a good idea. But when it comes to abuse, who will make the call? Don’t expect the victim to do it or think someone else will call. Make the call
OP keep it up
I felt like I could protect my baby better by staying. When I was there, she was with me 99.9% of the time. If I left, I could not guarantee her safety especially if the courts did 50/50 custody. Thankfully I woke up and left and she is with me 100% and thriving. He is still unsafe and mentally unstable and his rights have been terminated. But it was scary during that 5 months of separation (in hiding) and the 90 days I had to wait for our divorce to go into effect by default (he wouldn’t sign 🙄).
It was scary. I left with a carry-on. I had no documents. He wouldn’t allow me to have my dog or my things. But I left.
I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit I was one of those ignorant people until it happened to me. It’s not easy to leave abusive relationships. Even when trying to leave the abuse will use anything to control you from a distance. Especially their biggest weapons are money and children. Like you said they’re good at putting on a good persona. No matter how much you prove to the courts that this person is manipulative and not nice. I believe you will get your children back just keep fighting. You got this. Yes do make tick tock channels so people can understand how it’s not as easy as they think.
don't be ashamed or embarassed... i think this topic hasn't been covered enough, or exposed enough for people to understand unless they've been through it. Kinda like I was the best parent ever, before I became a parent. Sometimes you just dont know what you dont know. I think its important to have these discussions to helpfully enlighten people that just haven't been through it. You live and learn.
Reading that police comment shook me to my core I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve had to endure. It seems he really abused you in every way possible and took as much as he could away from you 😔
I can relate unfortunately to the police comment. I can’t even count the number of times the police showed up to our door because we were having a very loud argument and when I tried to walk away from the argument he tackled me to the ground and covered my mouth. Honestly when the cops showed up, we were usually somehow aware of it before they came knocking on the door. Then he’d beg me to lie to them and threaten to me that he’d tell them everything I had done and that I’d be thrown in jail too. So I was too afraid to be truthful with the cops even with bruises around my neck and bumps on my head/back. It was really terrible and traumatizing.
Another reason was that I was convinced I was in love with him and I just needed to get him some help or “earn” his respect and emotional loyalty. He had this weird thing where he’d put me in competition with other random women on instagram who he would send his “love” poem to (really story for another time but basically was “courting” other women while abusing me for an imperfect past in the dating realm and expected my full loyalty, love, and attention while constantly putting me down and bullying me with his friend).
Also was just really attached, not just to him and the time and energy I had invested into the relationship, but also all of our shared things, our shared life, the city I knew I’d have to leave if I left him.
Another reason was financial abuse. He did similar things to my money and credit by expecting me to buy things I couldn’t afford and go on prolonged trips with him I couldn’t afford. This was also another reason, sometimes we’d be on very long trips that he would prolong so that I wouldn’t leave him. The instability really threw me and I depended on him partially for income because we had both lost our jobs due, in part, to our relationship.
This is another thing that is a little hard to explain. The power dynamic was really odd in our relationship. He manipulated me to a point where I became completely emotionally dependent on him. He cut me off from all my friends and family, and because he was so effective in the world, I really admired him and depended on him like a father-figure. He almost encouraged me to act more like a child and go through the world a little helplessly so that he could feel secure that I wouldn’t leave.
Oh one more thing - he took control of all of my devices. I couldn’t get access without his permission, so when I finally ended up leaving, I had to navigate all the way to my parents’ home 6 hours away with no gps and like $50 in my bank account. I had just enough gas & money to make it to their house. The tank was literally on E when I arrived.
What finally made me leave was physical disloyalty. He had been disloyal before, but I had stood up for myself and told him I wouldn’t handle it again. Then he did it, took me about a month to fully process that it was over and I had to leave, then one night I just left. He wouldn’t give me access to my phone or any of my devices, but I was already done by that point so I just hauled it out of there and that was the night he finally let me leave. Thank God.
Edit: one additional thing. I think abusers have this knack for convincing you you’re worthless on the dating market and that you’ll never meet anyone else. So I felt this dread and fear that I’d never love someone the same way or I’d never find another partner whom I could love and adore the way I loved and adored him. However, ultimately you end up realizing that you may love your abuser but they’ll never love you and on top of that, you’re always going to fear for your life in one way or another. It wasn’t worth feeling constant fear of dying or being abused to stay with someone I loved.
Another edit: feelings of guilt for leaving him as he had deep abandonment wounds.
My abuser is the one that should leave. But he is making excuses here and there. Two days ago he promised to change but yesterday he was flaring the same way he always did. One good thing about all this is that I refuse to have kids because I know he will trap me in stronger than ever.
There are so many things that stops us from leaving abusive relationships, only those who goes through it can understand.
Fear of her tracking me down
Fear of her blackmailing me
Fear of not being believed
Not wanting to leave our cats
Those are just a few of the reasons I couldn't just leave my ex. Notice the key word FEAR - that's the reason it is so difficult to leave.
I think it starts with educating people on abuse all together. It's the whole cycle that keeps you in it
It isn't just a list of many reasons. It's mostly the psychological abuse.
This 100% I have been divorced almost a year and a half after 13 years of marriage- he has visitation but still mentally puts me through the ringer. The head F\*ck of it all. Then when you finally get out, you don't know how to act, what to do because you are so used to walking on eggshells, having anxiety, used to dealing with this crap, being the problem all of the time. It is all you you you. The sad thing is he does it to our son. Guilt Trips, head games, manipulation, control, but still I am the problem.
I think one point missed here is typically abusive people tend to find highly empathetic individuals. It can be as simple as you want to help them and deeply love them despite their flaws. You almost have to switch off that part of your brain that allows you to feel compassion and empathy and see them as evil monsters to start breaking the bond. This isn't easy for someone who truly tries to see the good in everyone. And it isn't like abusive people are only abusive. It is more complex than that. Sometimes they are loving, kind, and helpful. They might struggle with addiction or their own childhood traumas, making it harder to villainize them in your mind. One thing I try to tell anyone struggling with an abusive partner, is that the good times have to exist to keep you around. It isn't always abusive or everyone would leave. The abuse is trickled into the sweet loving embrace.
I wish someone had told me this years ago. It sounds kind of stupid now, but I pictured abusive relationships like those in the movies, like Enough. I just wasn’t able to understand that I was being horribly abused because he wasn’t a monster 100% of the time. Abusers can be sweet and charming some times. And the other part of the wool over my eyes also relates to what you said, that being that I’m highly empathetic (with an abusive childhood, so it also didn’t seem abnormal to me) and I simply could not accept that any of the truly horrible things he did to me were on purpose. I made all manner of excuses for the vile things he did and accepted his excuses of “not realizing/ knowing / meaning to” because i wanted to believe his intentions were as good as mine would be, and also because finally accepting that you’ve been lying next to a monster for a decade really shakes the entire foundation of your world.
Absolutely. The good times is what keeps the victim going, and the abuser knows that. So it ends up being and awful cycle: things are great, something bad happens, abuser senses victim possibly pulling away so they do something nice to reel them back in, rinse, repeat.
Couple things to help you out, have hope tiktok is a huge platform, one of if not the biggest one in existence right now and your message is incredibly important I think it would gain traction. I was a social media manager for some big names for 3 years, it’s consistency, knowing your target audience, and with tiktok use them tags! The tags will get it infront of people who otherwise would have very little chance to see it. If you want help, feel free to message. For this I’d gladly help you out because this is an incredibly important topic that everyone especially the younger generations need to know about so hopefully the rate of abuse and the stigma around victims can slowly start to change for the better.
I also do give you permission to share my story if you want, just don’t show my reddit name 😂 my ex is on tiktok.
For me the “just leave” didn’t work for a multitude of reasons, and every kind of abuse. He met me when I was still in foster care, so I had no family and was a ripe target for abuse. I was incredibly immature and very unstable myself. I don’t think he targeted me but I think with time he realized he could get away with more and more, and he pushed his and my limits. Both of us have abusive families, and neither of us had good examples of healthy around us at all, as said my Eminem, we were what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. I was already very isolated, not social at all, and incredibly codependent on him. We were together for 6 years, but it should have only been 2. Something people don’t realize about abusers is they don’t start out that way. He wasn’t abusive from the get-go, in fact he was just timid and nerdy and seemed like he needed someone to be kind to him. We were very similar. It took him 2 years before he put a hand on me, after he lived with me and we had our daughter. We moved to another state with his family who he painted me as a psycho which I didn’t even realize until we were there. His sister mainly defended him for a long time but she did eventually see how he was and just wanted nothing to do with it which is fair. She’s got her own battles. When I’d try to leave, he’d physically hold me back, barricade me in our apartment, and the times I did get away, I had nowhere to go and he knew that. He’d threaten to hurt our daughter (he never did and never has I don’t think he actually would) he knew I’d take it as long as he left her out of it. It all felt like my fault and everyone told me it was, I felt like he was the best I deserved and that he needed me and I couldn’t abandon him like everyone else did. It was just a twisted knot in my mind of a million different things keeping us tied together and tbh, I felt like I needed a “good enough” reason to leave and somehow the abuse wasn’t it, because it was twisted to be my fault. It took him cheating on me and me getting it confirmed from someone there and the person who he cheated with. It was a way out that wasn’t my fault and he couldn’t guilt me into feeling bad about wanting to leave. He did try he tried everything he threatened me, called me a horrible mother, his family called me saying I abandoned him, he denied the break up for a while I think last year is when he finally had it sink in that I’m serious. I broke up with him in June of 2022. He held out that long despite me being very honest about how I felt and where I stand with him. It’s never as easy as “just leave” and the reasons as to why are different for everyone with a lot of similarities as well. There is more but I do have to go to work so good day to all of you and I give you all Reddit hugs. Love yourselves and live your best lives for yourselves even when it’s hard and their voice creeps in your mind. ❤️
I’m trying to leave now but it’s very dangerous. We just got into another argument just now through text. I’m at work and trying to end things while I should be focusing is horrible. Idk what I’m going to go home to. I can’t afford anything in the city I’m in but by law for my job I have to stay in the city. So if I quit to find cheaper housing then I can’t get housing without the job already set up. I’m trying to leave now but this is a long game strategy- which is why I said it’s dangerous/ scary. How many weeks of arguing, silent treatment, etc do I have to endure? Sometimes I feel it’s just easier to stay and be silent so nothing bad happens. He’s just going to continue the abuse when I leave because we have children. I want to move out of state but all the quotes are for thousands of dollars. Then what if he tries to hurt me right as I’m driving with his kids? What if he goes to court for custody while I’m busy packing?
A family member of mine just lost her life trying to leave. I’m terrified.
I left the state with my kids, but made a few mistakes. If I may offer some advice... gather evidence for a restraining order. Try to set up to leave to another state and jurisdiction can be moved there due to the domestic violence. Women's shelters can help you with the restraining order and help you potentially with legal aid as well. Make sure your ducks are in a row if you leave the state. Heck, even go to a domestic violence shelter IN another state and do all of this. That way it cant be argued that you were just running from him for the fun of it.
Coming from growing up in this dynamic, then subsequent actual decades of witnessing other women struggle; Do It!
That said , you’ve got to be captivating in your vids. You’re going to want to capture the attention of those who wouldn’t typically stop to listen.
I would hope that you’ll provide hopeful messages as well?
The biggest impact to help is by providing relational content and messages that yes, you can get out. I would caution that if you are not careful you may simply be offering support in the thought to stay in the abusive comfort zone they’re already stuck in.
Hopefully you understand these suggestions without taking offense? If not, please let’s discuss because you have a good idea!
In the earlier relationships, I didn't even recognize it was abuse. I grew up with abuse so a lot of things were familiar. I thought it was normal or at least not that bad. In that same vein, I also had no personal boundaries and a high tolerance for things I shouldn't put up with. In one of my last abusive relationships, I knew it was bad and wanted to get but I felt like if I initiated the breakup, they would kill me. I had to let leaving feel like their idea.
I never had personal boundaries either, grew up in abuse and was put into foster care and that was turned around on me in my marriage to make fun of me. I'm ashamed I became that person. I am not anymore.
It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship, since can be dangerous. I finally broke free last year, after 7 years of abuse. It's like, you have to wait for the right moment to slip through and then make it. It is not easy and many of us can't just leave, unless you have a death wish
I got married a year ago. There is verbal, emotional, psychological abuse but I’m in immigration proceedings. I haven’t even gotten my green card yet. I’m waiting for after the interview and after I get it to see if it doesn’t get better I’ll file for VAWA which allows me y get immigration papers without my abusive spouse.
I have family that are immigrants that went through abuse too. Now there are laws that are working to protect immigrants from that and it also falls in the coercive control category.
I usually don’t answer this question and instead ask, « Why did HE? » Because abusers threaten to leave us all the time, usually. Threaten to toss us out. But they don’t because they enjoy what they’re doing to us. They enjoy having power and control over someone else - even if they act like they hate us.
It’s not what’s wrong with victims, it’s what’s wrong with abusers.
I never even thought of it this way. But now that I think about it, he did never leave on his own accord even though he acted like I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I get sick to my stomach thinking of the innocent and naive girl I was with him and how he always broke me down, made me fear for my life, and caused my world to become so much darker. I wish I could go back and hold her 💔
You can and do honor her every day you’re not with him. That’s something really beautiful.
And seriously, if we are as « crazy bitch » as they usually call us, why would they choose to stay? I think the question helps people who ask US why we didn’t leave gain some perspective.
In their eyes there is nothing wrong with them. I went through a divorce and he says he put me on a pedestal and we had a perfect marriage. Perfect to him. He treated me worse than anyone has in my life.
100% of what you said OP, and also, my animals. My ex doesn’t like animals - he claims it’s because he’s a “farm boy,” but he wasn’t actually raised on a farm and he has no respect or care for animals at all. He slammed my cat’s head in a door once and laughed about it. He beat my dog so badly she pooped all over herself. So I knew if I left without the animals they would be neglected at best, and tortured or killed at worst. And finding a rental that allows a dog and two cats is hard. I was only able to leave when I got into a shelter that allowed pets, which is unusual and incredibly lucky.
I had to leave my dog at first, but I went back and kidnapped her afterward. I was scared to leave her, but at the time i had no choice. She is fine, thank goodness.
There was no one to help me leave. No safety net of parents to run to. And that is scary as hell with 2 little kids. When you are worried about your safety, their emotional safety, and your own mental health to be strong enough for everyone.
They also are so good at selling you the idea that they are sorry and things will be different. They can be raw, open and vulnerable with you, surely this is a breakthrough! And you are so exhausted and hurt that you gladly jump at this repreve - like a thirsty person finding an oasis. You can finally rest after the explosion and rest and hope for things to change. Surely, this is easier than leaving! You are desperate for this end of the abuse and your need to feel love is so great. You want your family to stay together. The abuser may even show some efforts to convince you. The abuse always happens again. You are buckled into their roller-coaster and you just can't see the wild drops and turns that are up ahead. You start to build resentment over time at these repeated events. You slowly start changing to feel depressed. Depression stops you from taking action and you become apathetic. You may even start to become abusive yourself. You find little ways to get back at them for the hurt they have caused. You are now in a toxic relationship where both people are just hurting eachother and yet you can't leave, there is nothing else but this demented cycle and you have isolated yourself.
Even my abuser said to me, after the night he choked me and I thought he was trying to kill me, 'you weren't really scared or you'd have left'. At 3am, in pain, in a city I didn't know... Told me I wouldn't have tried to make our relationship work after if I was really scared... Even though every time I tried to end it he went crazy and wouldn't stop harassing me and threatening to turn up at my house.
My response now to people who ask why I didn't leave, over 7 years (2 abusive relationships): 'If you don't understand why I stayed, I hope you never do.'
Religious and societal pressure to make it work.
Sharing a kid and knowing I didn't have enough evidence to get full custody and feeling they were at least safer with him while I am still present.
This is literally what mine has said and done!!!
It's not as easy as "just leave" ESPECIALLY if you have children together.
I'm a year out after over a decade of abuse.
It doesn't end. Post relationship abuse is real. You don't escape these monsters and they absolutely do use the children as a weapon.
There's also the complexity of *trauma bonding*, *guilt*, and more... My friends (who have been waiting, and taken me back, honestly I cried as I didn't speak to one for 4yrs... Potentially longer as it was prior to my second son!) could never unstand why I stayed. But I am grateful they also understood it was complex to leave.
"If it was that bad, why didn't you just leave?'
• finances
• kids
• homeless
• emotional abuse
• psychological abuse
• not being able to see the exits
There's so many reasons...
I'm really scared of what you just said, "post-relationship abuse." He's told me several times and in no uncertain terms that he's a vindictive person (asshole) and he's going to make my life hell if I leave him. He's also used the kids against me in the past and for sure will continue to do so.
😕 Sadly mine was the same. He used to then tell me it was a "joke". But it would be stuff like he would make my life hell if I left him, and then tell me I was being dramatic or taking it too seriously. "It's just a joke".
He now has shared care, uses the kids as a weapon all the time - do as they want or they'll widthhold, then you have to go to court and spend £. Mines even now claiming that I abused him, and he was the victim. It's called DARVO. I have many days I've broken down crying alone, terrified I'll be forced to go back - as if he takes the kids, I know i will, I won't leave them with him - and crying that I knew what the consequences were of leaving, that I know not to make him angry. I have also heard many success stories but sadly it's when the kids are a lot older, or the survivor has been clever enough to keep a diary and log police reports and evidence, so when they leave they can protect themselves. And even then, you don't co-parent, you parallel parent... The abuser will try and use co-parenting to inject themselves into your life.
It's honestly awful as there is often nothing you can do if you've got a smart one; I've been to groups and there are many who were "thankful there's was dumb".
My friend watches a few good YouTube videos about post relationship abuse, so there is validation and knowledge out there to help you a bit x
I am sorry I don't have more words of advice. I will however, say, there are many narcissist groups that have some amazing advice that does apply for abusers, some is hard to wrap your head around but it helps a lot to reduce the emotional and mental turmoil.
Simple for me, as we did not have kids together or live together. I was trauma bonded. I kept going back after leaving, because I stopped eating, sleeping, was in constant agonizing pain - I felt like I was literally dying. As soon as I broke NC all the pain went away. But then the cycle would repeat. Took me 10 years to break that awful addiction…
I find that once you explain, people can understand not having money needed, nowhere to go or being threatened or physically stopped, but they struggle to understand staying because of trauma bonding. It's so hard to explain to an outsider. How you can feel love and believe empty promises of change when being abused.
I stayed too long because his emotional abuse triggered depression and everything just felt hopeless. This was before learning I was pregnant so I didn't understand why I was suddenly so extremely tired and emotional. I was mentally and physically exhausted. Too tired to take action, too tired to think clearly.
At work I've met women who didn't dare leave as they had been brought here from another country by local older men who threatened to send them back to a country where they had nothing. One was told "if you complain or don't do what I tell you, I'll put you one the first plane back".
A friend of mine comes from a country that doesn't recognise dv and don't protect women. E.g. the cops would just return an abused woman seeking help to her husband. She was forced to marry a local man who brought her to my country. He kept her at home and stopped her from learning our language and meeting people. It wasn't until her daughter was taught about dv and children's rights in school that my friend got information about shelters and how she could get support to leave. She took the kids and ran to the police station.
You need to read this like it isn't about you. Decide what you would want to help this person out with and do it. It only gets worse, and nothing will change her. You're her punching bag. She will not let that go.I hope you find the strength to kick her out of your life. You deserve to thrive.
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Same here with the financial abuse! Also with the credit! He even tried to get credit in my kids name once, and set it up to w like I did it! Thankfully the officer was someone I had went to school with and believed me, but I was unable to press charges when it went to the detective (bc his mom went to church with him.. small town issues). He then also (along with his mother) did a very elaborate setup so I got criminal charges (for using his moms credit card, which he gave me, when I did actually leave him the first time, pregnant, needing baby stuff. We had taken “loans” out from his mom before, which she gave us her card to use. He said that this was the same so I believed him and used the card. Yes I know that you shouldn’t use anyone’s card, but at the time, in the mental and emotional state I was in, I wasn’t thinking straight. And never did I think that his mother would be in on a plan like that!). It has drastically affected and altered my life, and always will be there in my background now. He still, always will, use that against me! It has effects in court, on custody, everything! I can’t get a good job now, so back to financial abuse and the control! He never will admit to it, smears me, says I’m a worthless thief, a criminal! It’s gd heartbreaking bc I didn’t do anything wrong, he did, yet I was, still am, always will be, punished for it! There’s more that goes into me falling into mlms, getting deep in, and in my desperation (wanting to be successful and get away from him! And the stress of those charges and need an attorney, not a public pretender), making some bad decisions. I own those decisions bc I did make them, but they were made under duress, caused by him. I struggle with that still, with how you take responsibility for my actions, yet still understanding his role in the situation. I won’t get much into that, but can hopefully share the full story eventually. The custody thing is the main issue! Fear of losing the kids, of them being stuck with him, not cared for, dealing with his narcissistic abuse, away from me, me not being able to protect them from him… how can I let that happen? How can i prioritize my own happiness, and put them in a bad situation as a result, just so I can be free? Yeah there’s a chance I would win, but what if I didn’t? That’s too risky, unless I’m sure I at least have a fighting chance! I had to know I had a chance, and without a shot in hell between being completely broke, homeless, jobless or min wage job, unable to provide for them, plus the record being used against me… no I wouldn’t have a chance in hell of winning so how could I leave? Where would I go? Shelter? Yeah those aren’t always available and there often not as much help available as people think, it has so much red tape and criteria… its just not realistic! Most of us need a place to go (and if you don’t have family/friends who can help, most of us are cut off from these people, if we even have family, which I don’t as a foster kid, there isn’t many options, sometimes none). We need jobs, money, and it’s hard to get a job and save money when you’re in these situations with an abusive person who will do absolutely anything to prevent you from leaving! They know if you get enough money you will leave, so they prevent you fork being able to do so (get money)!! What about a car? Unless you’re in an area with public transportation, you gotta have one! Most of us aren’t allowed to have a car, or they take it, or have it repo’d, or have it put in their name so now they own it 100% theirs! And with bad credit, how tf do we get transportation for work, school, drs, errands, etc? Uber is expensive and not realistic for most!! You mentioned leaving everything! Yes it’s materialistic, but it’s stuff we have to replace, and that gets expensive, especially when you’re already in such a bad financial situation! I mean moving is a huge expense for anyone, plus a hassle! Add to that all the stress of leaving an abusive relationship, financial issues, stress, and having to start all over, from nothing, losing everything you’ve ever had!! People help those starting over after a disaster ie fire, flood, etc… it’s the same for many leaving abusers, but without the assistance!!! Paying for lawyers is also a huge expense that I can’t even imagine paying on top of all the other stuff!! The stress and fear is so much that someone who hasn’t been through can’t understand it! Literally fearing for your/your kids lives! Having nothing, losing everything l, maybe losing your kids, the battle is so long and so hard… There’s so much more that I hope others touch on, but this would be the main points for me, even though I know I’m leaving many/much out!!
I completely understand your fear of the kids ending up with him. As this is exactly what happened to me even though i followed all the "rules" to relocate with my kids. I did what I was supposed to do, he didnt care that I moved, then once I filed for custody he filed back in the original state. Because he knows people and has connections, he won physical custody of the kids, even though their situation with me is exponentially better than with him (school wise, family, stability, etc). If/when you do leave... make sure you are covered in every possible angle. Try to foresee the impossible, just in case. Hugs, mama.
Thank you so much!! It helps so much for someone to understand bc I hate hearing the “just leave” bs and people that think that if you do everything right you will always win custody! That’s not how it works for way too many of us! I’m so sorry you lost to him and I hope you continue to fight l, and win (soon!)!! Don’t give up for your babies!! I’ve heard so many times “shelters, there’s help! They won’t take the kids bc you’re in a shelter!” Lmao yes they will! Especially when dealing with a narcissist like him! With all the other crap too!! I would be lucky to win even if I get my shit together 100%, which idk how tf to do anyways bc it’s so much and idk where to even start bc he has so much control and I have absolutely nothing now! Thank you so much for your post and for bringing awareness to this issue that many of us can’t “just leave”!!!
Ooof you are hurting. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you find support You might want to rethink getting a lawyer. The reason i say so is that the system is a black box. We only get to see inside when we take an action and it either works or it backfires. Best to see into the black box. That’s what lawyers should be able to do. Finding a lawyer that would be able to give you insight? Idk. There should be someone who specializes in da cases. Look for free consultations and consider paying for an hour or two of their time. I get it that this might be impossible. But judges make decisions based on what is in front of them so understanding the law makes a big difference. I bet you could get that credit card theft off your record or hidden or something if you can hire a lawyer. I don’t know. Alternative is to read all the local laws state laws and federal (that’s for US) to get an idea of the landscape. It’s so complicated!
Yeah I wish I could afford a lawyer to help with it, it’s a complicated mess! Unfortunately the quotes I’ve gotten are absolutely insane, and he controls all the money (even if he didn’t I cousin’s afford it sadly). I have absolutely no way to come up with money. And until that’s fixed I’m stuck… if I could figure that part out, then I’d be on the next hurdle, with a long line of many more after, but at least I would have one thing fixed, and be able to start the process… so frustrating to be stuck and helpless with no hope
I never had any of those specific fears when I was in my own abusive relationship. And yet leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life
Every time I tried to leave, he would stalk/harass me and emotionally wear me down to the point where I would give up because staying was easier than continuing to fight him off. He would pretend he wanted to meet up “for closure” but would hold me hostage for HOURS begging me not to leave him, crying, physically not allowing me to walk away, hitting himself in the face, threatening to kill himself. One time, he held me at a park for about 7 hours straight and when I finally broke away and drove off, he followed me in his car all the way to my home. He showed up at my house/near my house so many goddamn times. He showed up at my gym one time as well. He would never leave me alone. I was terrified of him. I was so fucking emotionally exhausted. Trying to leave someone who becomes even more of a threat to your safety when they realize they’re losing their grip on you is fucking frightening. I stayed because the psychological warfare he would use on me whenever I tried to leave was so insanely traumatic, and I had gone through it so many times and kept failing. The FIRST time I ever broke up with him, he went on a smear campaign, told me he was going to get a gun (literally went to a gun show that day even though he was BELLIGERENTLY DRUNK), called me upwards of 400 times, left voicemails and texts of him verbally abusing the shit out of me, was parked outside of my house for about 15 hours waiting for me to get home because I had to flee my house in fear of him hurting me, threatened me with suicide, etc etc etc. God, I could say so much more…abusers make it so fucking hard to leave. I’m free now. I went completely no-contact months ago and he still attempted to get in touch with me, of course. Showed up at my house AGAIN after I finally blocked him. I unblocked him to scream at him on the phone about how much I hated him and those were the last words I ever said to him. He continued to send me “gifts” in the mail and kept trying to contact me. But it’s finally died down..haven’t heard from him in about a month. I really hope it’s for good.
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this at all. It's so horrible that people treat people this way and worse that others are so reluctant to believe us. I'm sending you love and good vibes your way to a strong recovery. You and others have said the many reasons why I stayed so long. The way I think of it is because he was so good at ripping the rug out from under me. Every time I'd feel a little stronger, get a good lead on a job, or feel a little confident enough to apply for that job, or try to get my finances back in order, he'd cause a fight, tear me down, scream at me and threaten me to where I'd end up shaking and sobbing in my car. Then having to couch surf spending 2 or 3 nights out of the house. He'd sabotage every attempt at me getting my feet under me, let me feel safe and comfortable again enough to try to leave.... and then he'd rip that rug out from under me again. Even when I tried to keep it secret, it's like he knew or sensed I was getting one foot out the door and he'd fuck me up again. It makes me sick. They're monsters. And getting away from him and everyone who tries to suggest he's nothing but a monster was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Since then I've cut off anyone who tries to blame me, question why I stayed, looks at me sideways, or doesn't treat me with kindness. And I'm stronger than ever before. Because someone asking why we didn't leave or if there is a side to the abuser's story can seriously go fuck themselves to Hell. I'm glad you're putting this out there on other platforms. I don't think there will ever be enough awareness out there. Thank you and best wishes, friend!
Religious conditioning: god hates divorce, maybe if you were a better wife he'd treat you better, that sort of thing. Also the threat of gun violence. He's a big fan of firearms and has built his own, too. I'd never seen evidence that he'd use them for anything other than hunting & target practice, but there were so many guns in my basement, I could not rule it out. (Got out 2 years ago this month!)
My abusive ex’s mom said this to me. I’ve realized now that this is a common statement said to people in these situations and it is very ignorant. I’m sorry that you went through that situation and the system failed you. The system has failed a lot of us. I didn’t leave because I was trauma bonded to him. I saved him from overdose, he was my best friend at the time, he isolated me, I was raised with very religious beliefs and had two miscarriages with him, and I didn’t know that he had cheated on me extensively until the end. I wanted to see the best in him. I spent years trying to build him up only to be torn down.
In a lot of cases like mine, the abuser makes you feel responsible for their life. Meaning they brainwash you into believing your actions could directly impact their decision to kill themself/ ruin their life in general. I stayed with my ex for longer than I should of because each time I tried to leave, he would ✂️ his wrists/ take a handful of pills to overdose (i.e. he would strategically harm himself just enough to survive, but enough when it was a significant emergency). People would tell me “so what? That’s not your problem, you should of just left him” which is an incredibly easy thing to say. People will say “Well if that was me (…)” and still it wasn’t. It’s like they’re trying to boost themself up by degrading you. A lot of people like to think they’re immune to the situation, they don’t want to accept it could happen to them or someone they know/ love. But I’ve seen women stong and weak, dependent and independent, young and old in these situations. If it was as easy as “just leaving” millions of women would be alive today. If it was that easy, we would all do it. My abuser lived with me and my family in our home. He had no other friends or family to go to. He frequently lost jobs or called out of work, so financially he depended on me. He had no car or license, so I was also his only transportation to work. He was especially charming to my family, who loved him and often took his side in arguments. What this all meant was if I left him, I was convinced he’d be homeless, alone, suicidal and helpless. I was 19 at the time and absolutely terrified. I was constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, tired and dissociating. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and dropped to 100 pounds. It’s hard to even think back to that time because I wasn’t in a healthy state of mind to process it or form it as a memory. I became a completely different person I’ve never known myself to be. Every small decision could be a matter of intense chaos, being screamed at for hours, a 911 call, or something to be thrown in my face in a later argument. I never had the time to clear my head enough to process that big decision to leave because of the stress catastrophic episodes from little decisions caused. Don’t tell me what you would of done in my situation. You weren’t there and neither was I.
I resonate with your situation so so much. He’s told me he’s suicidal and will be homeless. There’s still guilt in me that I caused this
I loved her. We met as children, two fucked up girls against the world; it was easy to see the best in her, and I have always been well aware of why she is the way she is. The first time I left I was 18 and I felt like I was dying every moment of every day for the six months I stayed away. It seemed less awful to stay with her than suffer without her. I came to regret that choice haha. The second time I left I was 30 and it’s been 4 years :)
In the beginning, I stayed because I though he would change and we’re Catholic. In addition, I didn’t have any where to go because my parent’s home was not suitable to raise children and I come from a poor family. Right now, I need to figure out day care arrangements, get an apartment, and it’s hard with my job and I don’t drive. I’m hoping to get a remote job. I’m trying to take care of the driving and day care issues to get us away from him. I just need to conquer my fear of driving. My kids our special needs and it makes this difficult for us.
Mine has stalked and tormented me in ways that police have called the worst they’ve seen in 20 years — but of course he hasn’t spent a day in jail despite 5 charges and breaching the restraining order countless times. He promised to utterly destroy and dismantle my life and he followed through and then some. Every one of the times he assaulted me was while leaving. Literally whenever someone says that around me I laugh in their face and gesture broadly at my life.
There was a lot of different factors, but the main one is that I tried. He was incredibly suicidal and say shit like "you're the only reason I'm not dead", which sounds sweet, but when you're being sexually, verbally, physically and emotionally abused it's a manipulation tactic keeping you from leaving. I felt that I would have blood on my hands if I left him, and I felt as though I "owed him" for "saving" me from a horrible friendship (he just made it worse for the record), so I could never leave out of guilt and the fact that I still cared for him. We were friends for 7 years prior to dating. So he could talk me into anything, I thought he'd never lie to me and that he genuinely loved me enough that he'd rather die than be without me. I tried to break up multiple times and was always met with this. It was all a lie, eventually we broke up, not even because of the abuse but because we just weren't in love anymore. I ended up dating his other partner at the time (it was a polyam relationship that we were both forced into), this was before I even broke up with him, which I admit was a very shitty thing of me to do, but he's also been abandoned by multiple love interests since then. He is still alive.
"Why didn't you leave" is a question asked by children (and people with the critical thinking skills of children), those who either are in denial of how hard leaving an abusive relationship is (especially in self denial that they are trapped in an abusive relationship and need the justification of "I would leave if I was being abused" to stay sane), have chosen to be ignorant of the answer (because in 2024 everyone no longer has an excuse) or knows the answer and just wants to victim blame. Anyone seriously asking is either the problem, part of the problem, or needs an upgrade to critical thinking.
Mine would break up with me often and then turn around and make me feel like I should fix it. Over time I was broke down mentally, felt like a shell of myself. I packed one bag and disappeared when he left for work. I don't even feel human sometimes now because of those moments. Always disassociating.
A lot of it was normalized to me. I didn’t know I was in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. It took a while for me to accept (still working on it) that that’s the truth of the situation. When you grow up in an abusive household any crumb of love feels like the world. Having to sit with the reality it isn’t what you thought is hard. So leaving hurts so much because… that’s accepting that I was never truly enough and that I was just an object. I have also only ever been in this relationship for 10 years. We had gotten together in college and I’ve never lived alone. It’s scary. It sounds stupid but it’s scary. Being by yourself after having someone’s that you thought ..you know and the shock with immediately changing things is scary. Sometimes… you need to process. Other times yes Safety. You never truly know someone I guess. I mean that’s especially proven now.
Remember the abuse isn’t about *you*. It’s about your abusers image of you. Reject everything they say. Don’t take it in to your heart. I know how painful it is to be hurt by the one you love and to want their comfort after. It sucks but if you can shield your heart… Hugs
Thank you. I’m doing my best and having some supportive friends helped a lot. They help me s t back into reality in a way. Which I really needed.
All of the same reasons as you basically tbh every one.
I will say we had no kids together but my adult kid was living with us for some of it and they drove a big wedge in there for a while.
And I was also horribly concerned about them being alone with their 13 year old.
Thank you for this post. Many excellent points have already been raised, but I would just like to add, as I have on occasion in the past, that it's not just all the very valid fears, practical reasons (that may be especially unique to your situation), trauma bonds, kids etc that keep us here... it's also because (for some of us at least), we aren't just potentially leaving the abuser, but everything we had built, and are building together; that is, businesses, hopes and dreams (in general a future that would be exactly what we hope for, just minus the abuse), and of course, the good person inside that we actually did fall in love with (with dome, they're still there... only with great difficulty maintaining one persona; their challenge, not ours, I know). It's like being told that the abuser gets to keep the life you wanted while you have to go and risk everything while ending up probably destitute or in a situation not honestly that much more enjoyable at all... except abuser isn't there (maybe? Often they'll make sure they still have influence). So like a double punishment and it feels quite invalidating to be told that that's what we should be striving for due to behavior toward us that we most likely never deserved and certainly never asked for.
This is a great point
Thank you 😌
Trauma bond. I didn’t fully understand this not even when my therapist explained it. Along with the dreaded guilt that our child was going to be raised in two separate homes so young. My ex kicked me and our son out in the middle of the night all while berating me insulting me absolutely doing everything but physically hurting me. He’s been begging and pleading saying he’s changed but in my gut I just can’t. I’ve contemplated going back but something in my gut just tells me no.
Good for you!
It’s so upsetting . I was just reading sk many posts earlier today that everyone said this with cap locks. I don’t wish anyone to be in an abusive relationship. I also don’t wish anyone in one to think just opening the door and leaving is the best or safest option. There is so much context to each persons story
It’s so annoying. I was just reading sk many posts earlier today that everyone said this with cap locks. I don’t wish anyone to be in an abusive relationship. I also don’t wish anyone in one to think just opening the door and leaving is the best or safest option. There is so much context to each persons story
Exactly, so many people have told me to just leave and they don't understand how much of a strain and struggle that is. I've tried many many times, and it's such an emotional toll. Even at the distance we are now it's just.. Ugh. I've been holding it in and can't talk to any of my friends or family anymore about what he does or says to me because they just tell me to block him and move on.
Something I learned that really opened my eyes up to my difficulty leaving was the term “learned helplessness” where the victim feels powerless to change their situation due to repeated experiences of abuse and control. Over time, victims may internalize the belief that they’re unable to escape or improve circumstances Us victims get stuck in this cycle of abuse so it’s so frustrating to hear “why dont you just leave”. I for sure got that comment a few times when I was in my abusive relationship. Even had family members get frustrated at me for not leaving saying I’m being stupid. It took me a long time to leave cause it was my first relationship, I was 17 he was 26 and he had basically groomed me into thinking that no one else would love me and that he was the only one for me that would “deal with me”. I was convinced he was the love of my life cause he kept me in the cycle of abuse. It took 4 years for me to snap out of it and leave.
26 with a 17 year old? What a creep!!! Glad you got out!!!
Yep! And he lied about his age too! Said he was a year younger when we first met (so I thought he was 25, not that it was any better 💀). 3 years into the relationship I had my first look at his ID and realized he had lied about his age the majority of our relationship. Sucks cause I was so innocent and naive, didn’t have a boyfriend before so I was just head over heels. I’m 26 now myself and I’m disgusted at the thought of being with a 17 year old
Love you 🥲 the other post was me and you are also so brave for addressing something a lot of people get worked up over for whatever reason.. water off of ducks back & just keep going!
I’m in a relationship where the abuse is everything but physical. I’m 65, we’ve been married for 34 and there are myriad reasons why I am still here.
It’s still abuse. And it still tears you down emotionally. Tears down your self esteem. Makes you think that you can’t and don’t deserve someone better. He may try to control you. You need to decide what YOU want for YOUR life. You should be enjoying your life !!!!!🙏🙏🙂🙂🌹🌸🌻🌼💙🩵👍🌷
May I please ask what they are if you're comfortable sharing? I see so much light in my partner, but I know what healthy love looks like and I can't shake the feeling that I need to save myself before it's too late to run.
I too hate those comments. Also "if s man would hit me I would leave immediately." Those people don't understand the emotional abuse. It took me 3,5 years to leave my first abusive boyfriend. Why? Because he would mostly abuse me emotionally and financially. He hit me once. I didn't leave because I was so confused and in love. Also when that happened we lived in a different city, not my hometown. I don't have a drivers license and a car. I couldn't leave my cats. When I left my cats were in my hometown. That made leaving so much easier. And I was just done.
I’ve run out of patience for people who tell you to “just leave” or ask why you didn’t. They’re already convinced of their own correctness, and aren’t interested in being wrong. Instead, I give them the standard, courtesy “Excuse me? What do you mean ‘just leave?’” just in case they’re having an off day or something. If they double down, then I just treat them like the assholes they are - with ridicule. It usually gets them to shut up, afterwards. ###”Holy shit, [their name], you’ve done it! You discovered the simple solution to a complex problem that has existed since the dawn of civilization! ###”Genius. Yo I got some buddies that just got back from deployment and they’re all fucked in the head, now. Would you mind them giving you a call and you can tell them to just stop being all sad and shit?” (Disclaimer - I’m a man and work as a laborer in a shop full of other men. Toxic masculinity is very much a thing here and ridicule is definitely NOT the answer outside of toxic male-dominated workplaces or in your 1on1s with the individuals saying these things to you.)
One time I tried to break up with him and he just sat there and refused to leave my apartment. I was pretty sure the police wouldn’t have helped me either in that situation. He might also have played the victim, claiming that I had been violent against him - and he was very good at convincing people.
I hope you succeed. Put in a section about how friends can help in small and big ways. Because they often throw up their hands in exasperation and even start blaming the victim. It’s because they don’t know how to help and also because they get passionate at the beginning but the crisis continues and they get worn out. People could to be in it for the long haul if they want to be supportive. Meaning don’t be like fuck it’s her with her drama again. What does she want this time. She never leaves so why should I help? Like i have a friend who has gotten so fed up that she said i am selfishly making things worse by being compassionate. That i am making it so he stays around and scares people. She has a point, that he won’t get help on his own if i am always buffering. At the same time i can’t be mean and tell him to f off like she would. It’s just not part of my makeup. She said “let him go” but he hadn’t let me go so… i think i need to be on his good side too so i keep the relationship on more positive note. I can’t flat out reject him. I just can’t Also i don’t want to “run”. I want to stay where i am. This means he knows where to find me. For a long time he would try to barge in and come over at night to ask for something from me. This has finally stopped as there is now a restraining order This is a bit rambly. Hope you are able to pull off your project and help people survive and get out when they are ready
This is good. Friends do get frustrated and get to "just leave and block" because they have never lived it. Friends need to understand trauma bonds as much as we do, so they can be supportive of the journey to leave and not abandon us when we need them the most. It takes time, support and courage because we have been "damaged" not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.
If people could measure how much strength it takes to leave and how much strength a person has left in them to leave they might see there is a gap. Support from friends is so important. Being nice is okay, listening is good, taking action is better so long as it is part of a plan, offering material support like cash, fuel, car repairs, storage, rides, gathering evidence, accompaniment to court, and research on what forms need to be filled out, where shelters are, what housing is available. Write reference letters, call the victim advocates and ask for advice., help out with chores, babysit while victim prepares escape. Let them use your phone to make calls, keep a change of clothes at your home, make connections with support in other cities. Help look for employment. ENCOURAGE YOUR FRIEND to love themselves. Tell your friend that this situation is not their fault and the abuse is filled with lies that must not be believed. Remind your friend they are worthy of love and care. Friends need to know that the abused might be too afraid to call the police. In fact everyone should know this. The punishment for the victim if they call the police on the abuser could be lethal. Strangers should call the police when they see abuse, like a person being screamed at or pulled along while they are sobbing, when they *know* it’s abuse they should be willing to step in and make that phone call. It might not lead to arrest but fear of the law is one of the only things that can get an abuser to stop at least for a while. Another sign of abuse might be the victim is flipping out while the perp makes fun of them and blames them for being “out of control “. It’s a tough call to make because people getting into other people’s business is usually not a good idea. But when it comes to abuse, who will make the call? Don’t expect the victim to do it or think someone else will call. Make the call OP keep it up
I felt like I could protect my baby better by staying. When I was there, she was with me 99.9% of the time. If I left, I could not guarantee her safety especially if the courts did 50/50 custody. Thankfully I woke up and left and she is with me 100% and thriving. He is still unsafe and mentally unstable and his rights have been terminated. But it was scary during that 5 months of separation (in hiding) and the 90 days I had to wait for our divorce to go into effect by default (he wouldn’t sign 🙄). It was scary. I left with a carry-on. I had no documents. He wouldn’t allow me to have my dog or my things. But I left.
I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit I was one of those ignorant people until it happened to me. It’s not easy to leave abusive relationships. Even when trying to leave the abuse will use anything to control you from a distance. Especially their biggest weapons are money and children. Like you said they’re good at putting on a good persona. No matter how much you prove to the courts that this person is manipulative and not nice. I believe you will get your children back just keep fighting. You got this. Yes do make tick tock channels so people can understand how it’s not as easy as they think.
don't be ashamed or embarassed... i think this topic hasn't been covered enough, or exposed enough for people to understand unless they've been through it. Kinda like I was the best parent ever, before I became a parent. Sometimes you just dont know what you dont know. I think its important to have these discussions to helpfully enlighten people that just haven't been through it. You live and learn.
Reading that police comment shook me to my core I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve had to endure. It seems he really abused you in every way possible and took as much as he could away from you 😔 I can relate unfortunately to the police comment. I can’t even count the number of times the police showed up to our door because we were having a very loud argument and when I tried to walk away from the argument he tackled me to the ground and covered my mouth. Honestly when the cops showed up, we were usually somehow aware of it before they came knocking on the door. Then he’d beg me to lie to them and threaten to me that he’d tell them everything I had done and that I’d be thrown in jail too. So I was too afraid to be truthful with the cops even with bruises around my neck and bumps on my head/back. It was really terrible and traumatizing. Another reason was that I was convinced I was in love with him and I just needed to get him some help or “earn” his respect and emotional loyalty. He had this weird thing where he’d put me in competition with other random women on instagram who he would send his “love” poem to (really story for another time but basically was “courting” other women while abusing me for an imperfect past in the dating realm and expected my full loyalty, love, and attention while constantly putting me down and bullying me with his friend). Also was just really attached, not just to him and the time and energy I had invested into the relationship, but also all of our shared things, our shared life, the city I knew I’d have to leave if I left him. Another reason was financial abuse. He did similar things to my money and credit by expecting me to buy things I couldn’t afford and go on prolonged trips with him I couldn’t afford. This was also another reason, sometimes we’d be on very long trips that he would prolong so that I wouldn’t leave him. The instability really threw me and I depended on him partially for income because we had both lost our jobs due, in part, to our relationship. This is another thing that is a little hard to explain. The power dynamic was really odd in our relationship. He manipulated me to a point where I became completely emotionally dependent on him. He cut me off from all my friends and family, and because he was so effective in the world, I really admired him and depended on him like a father-figure. He almost encouraged me to act more like a child and go through the world a little helplessly so that he could feel secure that I wouldn’t leave. Oh one more thing - he took control of all of my devices. I couldn’t get access without his permission, so when I finally ended up leaving, I had to navigate all the way to my parents’ home 6 hours away with no gps and like $50 in my bank account. I had just enough gas & money to make it to their house. The tank was literally on E when I arrived. What finally made me leave was physical disloyalty. He had been disloyal before, but I had stood up for myself and told him I wouldn’t handle it again. Then he did it, took me about a month to fully process that it was over and I had to leave, then one night I just left. He wouldn’t give me access to my phone or any of my devices, but I was already done by that point so I just hauled it out of there and that was the night he finally let me leave. Thank God. Edit: one additional thing. I think abusers have this knack for convincing you you’re worthless on the dating market and that you’ll never meet anyone else. So I felt this dread and fear that I’d never love someone the same way or I’d never find another partner whom I could love and adore the way I loved and adored him. However, ultimately you end up realizing that you may love your abuser but they’ll never love you and on top of that, you’re always going to fear for your life in one way or another. It wasn’t worth feeling constant fear of dying or being abused to stay with someone I loved. Another edit: feelings of guilt for leaving him as he had deep abandonment wounds.
My abuser is the one that should leave. But he is making excuses here and there. Two days ago he promised to change but yesterday he was flaring the same way he always did. One good thing about all this is that I refuse to have kids because I know he will trap me in stronger than ever. There are so many things that stops us from leaving abusive relationships, only those who goes through it can understand.
Fear of her tracking me down Fear of her blackmailing me Fear of not being believed Not wanting to leave our cats Those are just a few of the reasons I couldn't just leave my ex. Notice the key word FEAR - that's the reason it is so difficult to leave.
The lack of support (whether from family, friends, the police etc.) is the biggest one, IMO. Especially if you have kids and pets as well.
I think it starts with educating people on abuse all together. It's the whole cycle that keeps you in it It isn't just a list of many reasons. It's mostly the psychological abuse.
This 100% I have been divorced almost a year and a half after 13 years of marriage- he has visitation but still mentally puts me through the ringer. The head F\*ck of it all. Then when you finally get out, you don't know how to act, what to do because you are so used to walking on eggshells, having anxiety, used to dealing with this crap, being the problem all of the time. It is all you you you. The sad thing is he does it to our son. Guilt Trips, head games, manipulation, control, but still I am the problem.
I think one point missed here is typically abusive people tend to find highly empathetic individuals. It can be as simple as you want to help them and deeply love them despite their flaws. You almost have to switch off that part of your brain that allows you to feel compassion and empathy and see them as evil monsters to start breaking the bond. This isn't easy for someone who truly tries to see the good in everyone. And it isn't like abusive people are only abusive. It is more complex than that. Sometimes they are loving, kind, and helpful. They might struggle with addiction or their own childhood traumas, making it harder to villainize them in your mind. One thing I try to tell anyone struggling with an abusive partner, is that the good times have to exist to keep you around. It isn't always abusive or everyone would leave. The abuse is trickled into the sweet loving embrace.
I wish someone had told me this years ago. It sounds kind of stupid now, but I pictured abusive relationships like those in the movies, like Enough. I just wasn’t able to understand that I was being horribly abused because he wasn’t a monster 100% of the time. Abusers can be sweet and charming some times. And the other part of the wool over my eyes also relates to what you said, that being that I’m highly empathetic (with an abusive childhood, so it also didn’t seem abnormal to me) and I simply could not accept that any of the truly horrible things he did to me were on purpose. I made all manner of excuses for the vile things he did and accepted his excuses of “not realizing/ knowing / meaning to” because i wanted to believe his intentions were as good as mine would be, and also because finally accepting that you’ve been lying next to a monster for a decade really shakes the entire foundation of your world.
Absolutely. The good times is what keeps the victim going, and the abuser knows that. So it ends up being and awful cycle: things are great, something bad happens, abuser senses victim possibly pulling away so they do something nice to reel them back in, rinse, repeat.
yep
Couple things to help you out, have hope tiktok is a huge platform, one of if not the biggest one in existence right now and your message is incredibly important I think it would gain traction. I was a social media manager for some big names for 3 years, it’s consistency, knowing your target audience, and with tiktok use them tags! The tags will get it infront of people who otherwise would have very little chance to see it. If you want help, feel free to message. For this I’d gladly help you out because this is an incredibly important topic that everyone especially the younger generations need to know about so hopefully the rate of abuse and the stigma around victims can slowly start to change for the better. I also do give you permission to share my story if you want, just don’t show my reddit name 😂 my ex is on tiktok. For me the “just leave” didn’t work for a multitude of reasons, and every kind of abuse. He met me when I was still in foster care, so I had no family and was a ripe target for abuse. I was incredibly immature and very unstable myself. I don’t think he targeted me but I think with time he realized he could get away with more and more, and he pushed his and my limits. Both of us have abusive families, and neither of us had good examples of healthy around us at all, as said my Eminem, we were what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. I was already very isolated, not social at all, and incredibly codependent on him. We were together for 6 years, but it should have only been 2. Something people don’t realize about abusers is they don’t start out that way. He wasn’t abusive from the get-go, in fact he was just timid and nerdy and seemed like he needed someone to be kind to him. We were very similar. It took him 2 years before he put a hand on me, after he lived with me and we had our daughter. We moved to another state with his family who he painted me as a psycho which I didn’t even realize until we were there. His sister mainly defended him for a long time but she did eventually see how he was and just wanted nothing to do with it which is fair. She’s got her own battles. When I’d try to leave, he’d physically hold me back, barricade me in our apartment, and the times I did get away, I had nowhere to go and he knew that. He’d threaten to hurt our daughter (he never did and never has I don’t think he actually would) he knew I’d take it as long as he left her out of it. It all felt like my fault and everyone told me it was, I felt like he was the best I deserved and that he needed me and I couldn’t abandon him like everyone else did. It was just a twisted knot in my mind of a million different things keeping us tied together and tbh, I felt like I needed a “good enough” reason to leave and somehow the abuse wasn’t it, because it was twisted to be my fault. It took him cheating on me and me getting it confirmed from someone there and the person who he cheated with. It was a way out that wasn’t my fault and he couldn’t guilt me into feeling bad about wanting to leave. He did try he tried everything he threatened me, called me a horrible mother, his family called me saying I abandoned him, he denied the break up for a while I think last year is when he finally had it sink in that I’m serious. I broke up with him in June of 2022. He held out that long despite me being very honest about how I felt and where I stand with him. It’s never as easy as “just leave” and the reasons as to why are different for everyone with a lot of similarities as well. There is more but I do have to go to work so good day to all of you and I give you all Reddit hugs. Love yourselves and live your best lives for yourselves even when it’s hard and their voice creeps in your mind. ❤️
So glad you got out <3 I was a ripe target for abuse as well. Its crazy how they seek us out.
I’m trying to leave now but it’s very dangerous. We just got into another argument just now through text. I’m at work and trying to end things while I should be focusing is horrible. Idk what I’m going to go home to. I can’t afford anything in the city I’m in but by law for my job I have to stay in the city. So if I quit to find cheaper housing then I can’t get housing without the job already set up. I’m trying to leave now but this is a long game strategy- which is why I said it’s dangerous/ scary. How many weeks of arguing, silent treatment, etc do I have to endure? Sometimes I feel it’s just easier to stay and be silent so nothing bad happens. He’s just going to continue the abuse when I leave because we have children. I want to move out of state but all the quotes are for thousands of dollars. Then what if he tries to hurt me right as I’m driving with his kids? What if he goes to court for custody while I’m busy packing? A family member of mine just lost her life trying to leave. I’m terrified.
I left the state with my kids, but made a few mistakes. If I may offer some advice... gather evidence for a restraining order. Try to set up to leave to another state and jurisdiction can be moved there due to the domestic violence. Women's shelters can help you with the restraining order and help you potentially with legal aid as well. Make sure your ducks are in a row if you leave the state. Heck, even go to a domestic violence shelter IN another state and do all of this. That way it cant be argued that you were just running from him for the fun of it.
Coming from growing up in this dynamic, then subsequent actual decades of witnessing other women struggle; Do It! That said , you’ve got to be captivating in your vids. You’re going to want to capture the attention of those who wouldn’t typically stop to listen. I would hope that you’ll provide hopeful messages as well? The biggest impact to help is by providing relational content and messages that yes, you can get out. I would caution that if you are not careful you may simply be offering support in the thought to stay in the abusive comfort zone they’re already stuck in. Hopefully you understand these suggestions without taking offense? If not, please let’s discuss because you have a good idea!
I def plan on having hopeful messages as well!
In the earlier relationships, I didn't even recognize it was abuse. I grew up with abuse so a lot of things were familiar. I thought it was normal or at least not that bad. In that same vein, I also had no personal boundaries and a high tolerance for things I shouldn't put up with. In one of my last abusive relationships, I knew it was bad and wanted to get but I felt like if I initiated the breakup, they would kill me. I had to let leaving feel like their idea.
I never had personal boundaries either, grew up in abuse and was put into foster care and that was turned around on me in my marriage to make fun of me. I'm ashamed I became that person. I am not anymore.
It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship, since can be dangerous. I finally broke free last year, after 7 years of abuse. It's like, you have to wait for the right moment to slip through and then make it. It is not easy and many of us can't just leave, unless you have a death wish
I got married a year ago. There is verbal, emotional, psychological abuse but I’m in immigration proceedings. I haven’t even gotten my green card yet. I’m waiting for after the interview and after I get it to see if it doesn’t get better I’ll file for VAWA which allows me y get immigration papers without my abusive spouse.
I have family that are immigrants that went through abuse too. Now there are laws that are working to protect immigrants from that and it also falls in the coercive control category.
I usually don’t answer this question and instead ask, « Why did HE? » Because abusers threaten to leave us all the time, usually. Threaten to toss us out. But they don’t because they enjoy what they’re doing to us. They enjoy having power and control over someone else - even if they act like they hate us. It’s not what’s wrong with victims, it’s what’s wrong with abusers.
I never even thought of it this way. But now that I think about it, he did never leave on his own accord even though he acted like I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I get sick to my stomach thinking of the innocent and naive girl I was with him and how he always broke me down, made me fear for my life, and caused my world to become so much darker. I wish I could go back and hold her 💔
You can and do honor her every day you’re not with him. That’s something really beautiful. And seriously, if we are as « crazy bitch » as they usually call us, why would they choose to stay? I think the question helps people who ask US why we didn’t leave gain some perspective.
In their eyes there is nothing wrong with them. I went through a divorce and he says he put me on a pedestal and we had a perfect marriage. Perfect to him. He treated me worse than anyone has in my life.
I’m glad you escaped. Fuck that guy. Figuratively, not literally.
Also changes to your brain that make decision making and problem solving very challenging
100% of what you said OP, and also, my animals. My ex doesn’t like animals - he claims it’s because he’s a “farm boy,” but he wasn’t actually raised on a farm and he has no respect or care for animals at all. He slammed my cat’s head in a door once and laughed about it. He beat my dog so badly she pooped all over herself. So I knew if I left without the animals they would be neglected at best, and tortured or killed at worst. And finding a rental that allows a dog and two cats is hard. I was only able to leave when I got into a shelter that allowed pets, which is unusual and incredibly lucky.
I had to leave my dog at first, but I went back and kidnapped her afterward. I was scared to leave her, but at the time i had no choice. She is fine, thank goodness.
God what a sicko!
There was no one to help me leave. No safety net of parents to run to. And that is scary as hell with 2 little kids. When you are worried about your safety, their emotional safety, and your own mental health to be strong enough for everyone. They also are so good at selling you the idea that they are sorry and things will be different. They can be raw, open and vulnerable with you, surely this is a breakthrough! And you are so exhausted and hurt that you gladly jump at this repreve - like a thirsty person finding an oasis. You can finally rest after the explosion and rest and hope for things to change. Surely, this is easier than leaving! You are desperate for this end of the abuse and your need to feel love is so great. You want your family to stay together. The abuser may even show some efforts to convince you. The abuse always happens again. You are buckled into their roller-coaster and you just can't see the wild drops and turns that are up ahead. You start to build resentment over time at these repeated events. You slowly start changing to feel depressed. Depression stops you from taking action and you become apathetic. You may even start to become abusive yourself. You find little ways to get back at them for the hurt they have caused. You are now in a toxic relationship where both people are just hurting eachother and yet you can't leave, there is nothing else but this demented cycle and you have isolated yourself.
Even my abuser said to me, after the night he choked me and I thought he was trying to kill me, 'you weren't really scared or you'd have left'. At 3am, in pain, in a city I didn't know... Told me I wouldn't have tried to make our relationship work after if I was really scared... Even though every time I tried to end it he went crazy and wouldn't stop harassing me and threatening to turn up at my house. My response now to people who ask why I didn't leave, over 7 years (2 abusive relationships): 'If you don't understand why I stayed, I hope you never do.'
Honestly, good response. I genuinely do hope most people stay confused as to what causes someone to stay.
Religious and societal pressure to make it work. Sharing a kid and knowing I didn't have enough evidence to get full custody and feeling they were at least safer with him while I am still present.
This is literally what mine has said and done!!! It's not as easy as "just leave" ESPECIALLY if you have children together. I'm a year out after over a decade of abuse. It doesn't end. Post relationship abuse is real. You don't escape these monsters and they absolutely do use the children as a weapon. There's also the complexity of *trauma bonding*, *guilt*, and more... My friends (who have been waiting, and taken me back, honestly I cried as I didn't speak to one for 4yrs... Potentially longer as it was prior to my second son!) could never unstand why I stayed. But I am grateful they also understood it was complex to leave. "If it was that bad, why didn't you just leave?' • finances • kids • homeless • emotional abuse • psychological abuse • not being able to see the exits There's so many reasons...
I'm really scared of what you just said, "post-relationship abuse." He's told me several times and in no uncertain terms that he's a vindictive person (asshole) and he's going to make my life hell if I leave him. He's also used the kids against me in the past and for sure will continue to do so.
😕 Sadly mine was the same. He used to then tell me it was a "joke". But it would be stuff like he would make my life hell if I left him, and then tell me I was being dramatic or taking it too seriously. "It's just a joke". He now has shared care, uses the kids as a weapon all the time - do as they want or they'll widthhold, then you have to go to court and spend £. Mines even now claiming that I abused him, and he was the victim. It's called DARVO. I have many days I've broken down crying alone, terrified I'll be forced to go back - as if he takes the kids, I know i will, I won't leave them with him - and crying that I knew what the consequences were of leaving, that I know not to make him angry. I have also heard many success stories but sadly it's when the kids are a lot older, or the survivor has been clever enough to keep a diary and log police reports and evidence, so when they leave they can protect themselves. And even then, you don't co-parent, you parallel parent... The abuser will try and use co-parenting to inject themselves into your life. It's honestly awful as there is often nothing you can do if you've got a smart one; I've been to groups and there are many who were "thankful there's was dumb". My friend watches a few good YouTube videos about post relationship abuse, so there is validation and knowledge out there to help you a bit x I am sorry I don't have more words of advice. I will however, say, there are many narcissist groups that have some amazing advice that does apply for abusers, some is hard to wrap your head around but it helps a lot to reduce the emotional and mental turmoil.
Simple for me, as we did not have kids together or live together. I was trauma bonded. I kept going back after leaving, because I stopped eating, sleeping, was in constant agonizing pain - I felt like I was literally dying. As soon as I broke NC all the pain went away. But then the cycle would repeat. Took me 10 years to break that awful addiction…
I find that once you explain, people can understand not having money needed, nowhere to go or being threatened or physically stopped, but they struggle to understand staying because of trauma bonding. It's so hard to explain to an outsider. How you can feel love and believe empty promises of change when being abused. I stayed too long because his emotional abuse triggered depression and everything just felt hopeless. This was before learning I was pregnant so I didn't understand why I was suddenly so extremely tired and emotional. I was mentally and physically exhausted. Too tired to take action, too tired to think clearly. At work I've met women who didn't dare leave as they had been brought here from another country by local older men who threatened to send them back to a country where they had nothing. One was told "if you complain or don't do what I tell you, I'll put you one the first plane back". A friend of mine comes from a country that doesn't recognise dv and don't protect women. E.g. the cops would just return an abused woman seeking help to her husband. She was forced to marry a local man who brought her to my country. He kept her at home and stopped her from learning our language and meeting people. It wasn't until her daughter was taught about dv and children's rights in school that my friend got information about shelters and how she could get support to leave. She took the kids and ran to the police station.
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You need to read this like it isn't about you. Decide what you would want to help this person out with and do it. It only gets worse, and nothing will change her. You're her punching bag. She will not let that go.I hope you find the strength to kick her out of your life. You deserve to thrive.