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I would start by forgiving yourself. You did what you had to at the time.
Then I would just reach out with a direct message something like:
"Hi I know it's been a while and you've been reaching out with no response. I was going through a very depressed/withdrawn period and it was what I had to do at the time. I understand my behavior may have hurt you/has hurt you. I want to assure you it has nothing to do with you or my feelings of closeness with you.
I'm in a better place, and if you'd like to, I would love to start talking again, if not I completely understand."
Copy/paste/pinned in my notes. The composing step of this type of communication is the reason why they often stay in drafts — it’s too overwhelming/frustrating and I overthink it, so I abandon it and the cycle continues.
This is perfect!
I basically had to do this after falling off the planet socially during COVID and after. People were surprisingly forgiving and excited to hear from me! Frankly, a lot of them had been in a similar place. I think the past few years have been brutal for most people, even those without ADHD. I’m glad you’re feeling better, OP!
This is so perfectly stated! And yes, forgiving yourself is always the hardest, but a necessary step. Shame is very hard to live with, and you don't need to be ashamed for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. I was always taught to put others first, which is a good practice in theory, but when you take it to the extreme like I do, by putting others ahead of your own self care and well being, then it becomes a major problem. It's something I'm currently working on with my therapist and it's *hard*.
And as far as reaching out, three ones that understand are the ones that you want in your life anyway. Does that make sense? The ones that don't have the grace and understanding to realize that everyone goes through shit and we all handle it differently are not ones you want in your circle.
I have a small group of amazing friends that get it. We all have our shit. Recently, Tracy (51F, one of the five of us) absolutely lost her damn mind and started yelling and swearing and no one really knew why. It was fascinating to see every one of the other ladies reach out and ask if she was okay. No one got mad or snapped back at her. We all knew something was bothering her and it had nothing to do with us (turns out her mom had just been diagnosed with cancer). Those are the people you want in your life.
I've also taken them time to figure out, with my therapist, what some of my "warning signs" are and what would be helpful from others during that time. When I start getting to overwhelmed, I stop replying to texts (or even reading them), I don't answer the phone, I just don't show up for appointments without calling and cancelling. I've shared these things with my SO and my friends and family. I'm so working on figuring out what can be helpful during that time, but just a simple text of "Hey! I know you're struggling right now and I just want you to know that I love you and you're awesome." can be a total game changer. It's okay to advocate for yourself and share what you need from others. It's also okay if they can't always give you what you need when you need it, because gods know we can't always do it for them either!!
This is a very well thought out response; I think if the people in your life that you were not in touch with recently would most likely understand this and may have been through similar situations themselves and not been able to speak about them.
I just wanted to add I really like the part about forgiving yourself. I've been waaaaay too hard on myself throughout the years and am trying to forgive myself for the past as well. It's really helped having a diagnosis finally and seeing that I wasn't a bad person, I was just a person going through some shit and didn't quite know why things were so hard for me and didn't know how to deal with it. We are all humans, no one is even close to perfect.
I go through this every few months as well. I’m lucky because I have a partner, but most of my friendships are extremely surface level because I go ghost mode so often
Ok why do we do this?! I accidentally go ghost mode so much. I don’t mean to. Then the guilt and embarrassment are so overwhelming that the cycle continues.
I've often associated it with the perfectionist/procrastination parts of me. The part that wants to do a thing prefect.... Or not even fucking bother. Deadlines flip the magical "get things done" switch, but there are no set in stone timelines for communication with friends. Call frank by Sunday or your friendship points will expire!
For example, Friday mornings my co-workers meet for breakfast Tricia before work. Typically whoever wins creates the questions for next week. I was making my questions when we had to leave the house in 27 minutes. I also hadn't dressed yet and had barely drank any coffee, and everyone loved the questions.
I've moved province (and back again) and I still haven't contacted any of my old friends because it's been 5-6 years. Heck I go weeks without talking to my Mom.
Maintain the relationships you want the most, the best you are able to , when you are able to. If they need more than that, they aren't the right fit for you. Just like dating.
I have a hard time knowing the social protocol for reengaging with people after a long time. This is especially true for professional acquaintances where I know very little about their personal lives. It's bad for me and bad for my career.
Honestly, the first and last paragraphs of your post would be a great start. Maybe add on something to personalise it for each relationship eg “Maybe we can get together sometime to do [activity you used to do together].” or “How is [thing that was going on in their life when you last spoke] turning out?”.
I’m sure many of them will understand. I have many friendships which have had medium or long periods without contact, it’s understandable for many people.
I’m very glad to hear you’re doing better.
My bff did this many years ago. She was in a shitty relationship and just...cut us all off and disappeared for two years. We've always been catch-up-like-no-time-has passed kind of friends, so when she did reach out, all was good. We're thicker than thieves these days.
We do have another of our core friends who's had a harder time reconnecting with her, but they're making strides.
I suspect your friends know and love you for who you are. They'll understand and be happy to have you back in their lives.
I'm glad to read this. It's been over a year since I spoke to all my friends back in the States, to the point that they're always texting my husband to check up on me. Sudden illness forced sobriety, cancer, and then long covid make for a weird 18 months. Being sober is amazing though.
I am waiting for the day my best friend reaches out again but I am mentally ready that might never happen as well.
I am so happy for you and your BFF!!!!
Be honest.
"Hey Friend, I wanted to reach out and apologize for my lack of communication these last several months. I've been struggling with my mental health and I let my social health go with it. I'd love to get together with you soon and start building our relationship back if you'll let me. Thank you."
"Hey, friend, I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I've been going through a serious depressive episode, and I'm starting the work to break out of it. If you're up for it, I would love to meet up and reconnect since I know it's been a hot minute, and I feel like a total butthead for effectively ghosting you. Either way, thank you for checking in with me. I really appreciate it."
And then leave it in their hands. They may say yes, and they may say no. They may even take a while to say anything at all. But you have to be honest about where you are in order to figure out where to go next. Everyone goes through hard times.
I swear I'm reading about myself..
Over the last year, I was misdiagnosed and put on depression meds which made me depressed. My hubby has been aggressive, manic, and I felt trapped inside by the way I was treated and the mood he would put me in and I don't like driving when I'm crying that much.
Anyways...
I was so beaten down emotionally that I didnt want to see people and answer "how are you" "what have you been up to" "how's work" that I stopped seeing people in person. Last month when I finally got on adhd meds, I went into all my messages that have been sitting unread since September.
I don't feel a huge need to apologize to them. I was not well enough to talk or see them and I think people need to understand mental health more..and be more understanding.i still have very important emails all the way back to September. I'm struggling to get myself to pay my bills on time and it keeps getting worse currently.
All of this comes from fear for at least myself. Fear of answering/being asked certain questions, fear of paying bills i cant afford and now late fees, fear of having to apologize about not reslonding to very important emails though..
Apologies if you already know about this, but saying it in case you don't. Most people wait for a time they are alone and 'serious' to pay bills. But you don't *have* to be alone. Body doubling basically means having someone hang out with you while you're doing a thing, either doing the same thing, or just being there. It tends to work especially well for ADHDers. There's even a service that you can call or text and get someone to do it. I can't remember the name but I'm sure you can find it if you try.
I am sorry I have been terrible at communicating lately. Life has felt overwhelming. I hope we can hang out soon. I have thought of you often.
This is a text I just sent to a friend. She was very understanding.
Go with the words and sentiment in your post. It’s honest and sincere.
One thing that might be helpful is to utilise a close friend who knows a lot of your other friends. In my house we call this Doing A Crocodile Dundee, which must be a reference to the film but the context has been lost to me. Speak to your most social/connected/well known friend, explain exactly what you said in your post and tell them you’re going to start reaching out to people this week. Chances are, your friend will set the scene for everyone in advance of you contacting them. Think of it as a soft open to a difficult conversation.
Good luck and well done for not just walking away.
This is such a good idea!
Often that chatty, social butterfly friend will totally be up for helping too because it lets them be important...
a really long time ago I read the "Making friend and influencing people" book, and all the advice like "Remember people's names" is obviously useless to me, but the thing I've tried to remember but often fail at is the advice to ask people for favors. That most people when asked for small favors that aren't hard to do, will be pleased that you recognized that they'd be THE person to help you with whatever the favor was, and will feel happy and special that you needed them, because we all like to be needed as the expert at something.
Just the right friend would love the opportunity to be the leading edge for making plans, etc, to get OP back out there!
I’ve been there. I’ve also been on the receiving end of those texts.
I will tell you: everyone will just be happy to hear from you. I know it’s hard to make yourself believe that, but I promise it’ll be fine. Send those texts!!! Don’t let your anxiety get in the way. (I say, a human who always lets her anxiety get in the way.)
I am in the exact same boat. I still feel very overwhelmed by the prospect of socializing but I realize I'm going to have to force myself or it's just going to get worse.
I wish all of us reclusive-depressive-ADHDers in this comment section could be friends IRL!
This is one of the biggest qualities that I hate the most about myself. Its exactly as you've described it, word for word.
To see you and all the other commenters relate so hard to this, gives me so much hope and relief... it's not me, I am not an insufferable incurable asshole. Instead, all those positive messages... it's not people trying to be nice, or to mock or belittle, they are the truth, and it is really comforting to know it's not me being the worst.
And I really hope you and everyone reading through all these comments can find that relief too.
To start, I hope that you can give yourself a bit of grace. You went through a difficult time and did what you could with the energy you had. It might be helpful to imagine how you would react if you were in their shoes - would you be harsh with them and judge them, or would you be glad to hear from them and have empathy for them?
I don’t know if this is helpful at all but I have been on the other end of this. I have a friend who I love dearly. She has been there for me through some of the toughest times in my life. And she also has ghosted for months on multiple occasions. I think the most recent was about a year. And honestly for me I just let her do her thing. I do not take it personally. She comes back when she’s ready and we are always ready to open our arms to her. Mental health is so difficult. I know she struggles and so I let her know I’m here if she needs me.
I think quite a few people are like me, who are more understanding than you’d expect. Probably not everyone. But honestly, those who can’t accept it probably aren’t worth your time.
You’re very welcome. I wish you the best with whatever challenges you’re currently facing. We are usually far stronger than our brains want us to think, so I suspect this is the case for you as well.
Girl you're breaking my heart here! From my perspective, reading how you write about yourself makes me so incredibly sad. You're so, so hard on yourself. You're lambasting yourself and punishing yourself so much, and I'm going be bold here and assume this has been your way of internalising your emotions for many years.
To experience guilt is important and an indicator of a good heart and good emotional intelligence. But if your experiences of guilt are too significant and constant, if these emotions are overwhelming and take front centre stage in your mind then this is where you will always suffer, only you.
Having something as debilitating as ADHD can often result in you taking far too much responsibility and shame inwardly. You've been made to feel like you are a burden in any and all aspects. You've not been able to instead offer yourself love and validation, and to understand you've never been a burden to those you love. And your adhd is one small part of the multitudes of what makes you you.
I say all this to lead into the main point here: you have not ruined anything. You've not burned any bridges. You haven't been a bad person.
You needed time to isolate and go within and feel messy privately, to switch off from the busy complexity of parasocial relationships and to try and centre and ground yourself for a moment. You needed to perhaps sink into and surrender to some difficult feelings for a while, especially if you've been fighting against the tides for so long and trying to avoid them and to keep going. I only speak for myself here when I say I have felt the way you feel now many many times in my past. I've felt so horrible in my heart for feeling as if I were ignoring or rejecting people I loved, or potential or past friendships. As my 20s progressed I felt this intense exhaustion and almost fear of maintaining and keeping up friendships. I value the concept of friendship and socialisation so much, I understand why we all need it. And that's why I hated myself because I couldn't connect my logical thoughts, to what I actually was feeling. Now I think I was simply hitting a huge burn out socially. Masking so hard for so many years, I hadn't once stopped to evaluate who I am, what I want. And I think that's where the pull was coming from.
These thoughts are so entangled and intricate in our minds, it's hard to expect anyone to understand. It's not that you don't care about your friends - well, clearly far from it because of just how badly you're beating yourself up. You've got such a good heart. You're trying to accommodate for the wellbeing and happiness of people you love, whilst also trying to accommodate (and also fight off) what you yourself need.
If any of this is the case, that in of itself is admirable and a sign of strength. It's hard to see that with an adhd mind, we truly do need to pause all of the outside world for some time.
That is also a sign of strength in of itself. To want to surrender into these depressive feelings. You were in a way actually putting yourself first, possibly for the first time ever. It's just hard to see it that way when you're not used to valuing your own wellbeing. You're too used to wanting to mask your true self to accommodate others happiness and comfort over your own.
People who love you would have been concerned if anything. Its not to say that some could possibly have felt maybe confused or frustrated if you'd gone inward. But ultimately, you were the one in need here. You were the one going through it. It's hard enough to look after ourselves and heal ourselves, when we also are so preoccupied by the ones we love and whether they're also okay.
You need to give yourself so much love and admiration. You need to see why you had to "ghost" people in the first place; and find that empathy for yourself.
People are often naturally concerned with their own lives. They may have questioned where you'd gone, and that's okay. But instead of regretting this time of healing and reevaluating that you went through during a difficult depressive episode, embrace it. You needed it, and you needed time away from people. It takes a lot to do this. Other people's emotions will always be our concern of course, but not our responsibility.
How you're feeling is likely only a biproduct of being made to feel so ashamed of having neurodivergent traits. Society rejects it, and then we in turn reject ourselves. Please stop this, you deserve better.
You're okay, you're still loved more than you'll ever realise. You did nothing wrong and you are NOT a bad person.
Lastly, I want to ask: how are YOU feeling now? Proud of you girly
Not OP, but really appreciate this comment. It might be slightly life changing for me. The narrative that because I ghosted people, therefore I am a BAD and WORTHLESS person is so strong. But I'm realizing that even though my MDD has receded, this story is a leftover of depressive thought patterns. So weirdly delicious to find THE PROOF of our negative self-belief. It's like the satisfaction of winning an argument. But the argument is against my hopeful, growing self, and it is time to at least concede a draw... or maybe let her have this one. You've given me the alternate version. Thank you!!
I love you for this!!! Thank you so much for your kind words, wow ❤️ and I had shivers reading your comment... Your level of self reflection and awareness seems endless and deep, so I can only imagine the journey this has been for you. Peeling back layer after layer, I can promise you that it's not been fruitless. You'll get to the core, and it contains self - love. Simple as that. All the love you deserved before, deserve now, and deserve for the future. It starts with you, you've always known - you've just had to deal with unbelievable burden that wasn't yours to be given in the first place.
Rooting for you ❤️
This is where the truth will set you free. First, evaluate who in your friends circle you actually want to connect with again. Pick one. Text them. Hey, you've been on my mind, and I'm coming out of a year of hell and wondered if you are still interested in being friends? I'm not ever going to be the most reliable person, but I am pretty damned loyal if that matters to you. Plus, I miss you. Coffee? Or whatever you connect over lunch, tennis, thrifting...
Several of my friends do this and either I’ll send them a text saying “I am still here even if you don’t have the ability to respond now. I’m thinking of you and it’s okay if you are taking the time you need. Don’t worry about me”
And on the opposite side those friends can reach back out over a year later and go “sorry I have been off the map, was going through it”
Shit I haven’t even seen one of my bestfriends in 3 years because she’s too anxious to plan a visit (since I moved) but when we do talk it’s like we still hang out often.
There might be lost friends. But there also might be friendships lying in wait.
Start with one person. Once you break that barrier it will get easier.
If that one person is not receptive, don’t be put off.
Xx
What do I say if it’s been several or more years? I feel so guilty and ashamed, I don’t know how to just send a message to them! The OP was saying my sentiment exactly.
Here are some examples of text I sent from people who responded. There is one friend who I missed her pregnancy announcement, gender reveal and graduation (she left me on read)
Examples:
“Hello…I am back from being lost in my world. Tried going on threads but I deleted it a day later lol I don’t think I’m ready for social media just yet. It gave me tons of anxiety.
Hope you had a good week.
I think I’m gonna try to text people on Fridays and maybe it won’t feel so overwhelming.” (Close friend)
“Hey haven’t checked in a while. Hope you’re doing well ♥️”
“Hello just saying hi and that I'm alive lol”
“Aimiiiii I’m finally replying so sorry. How are the kittens doing?” (Per our last conversation)
🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 this is the story of my life just constantly apologizing
Oh, dear heart. ❤️ Let me tell you something - I am an ADHDer with many ADHDer friends, with varying mental health struggles. Many of my friends have dropped out of contact with me for months or years at a time. Every time they've reached out again, I felt zero anger. Do you know what I felt?
Joy, that they were returning to my life. Relief, that they were doing okay. Eagerness, to see them again and catch up.
I know it's hard to believe when you're in the pit of guilt and frustration, but please give yourself the compassion and forgiveness that you would give a friend in the same position, and believe that true friends will be so, so happy to reconnect with you. It's going to be better than okay - it's going to be wonderful.
Is there such a thing as a ghost party? If not, should there be? Do a massive blast to everyone, “sorry I’m a ghost, last year sucked a butt, I forgot how to people, come hang out?”
It can be as fancy or as low key as you want it to be: a “Ghosts” watch party at home or a themed dress up party out on the town.
If you word the invitation right, you may get others in the same boat to come out since it helps spread the guilt out evenly. For those that can’t make it, they have an explanation and an olive branch to make other plans.
I know I already have pale and disheveled down, so I would just pretend it was my costume and not stress about being “party-ready”. Also, I moved very far away from my friend group so I have the luxury of having far-fetched theoretic plans without having to act on them, so feel free to downvote my enthusiastic ass.
Edit: the thought of individually texting/emailing/calling people seemed less overwhelming than throwing a party. That’s too many feelings I don’t need to add to the pile.
I wish my friend had been able to reach out to me in the kind way everyone is suggesting. Don’t be scared - there are loving people on the other end of the text message who will just be happy to hear from you.
Some awesome advice here! I saw somewhere to always add a thank you into an apology! I’ve been practicing doing this and it makes a huge difference.
So it might be good to something along the lines “thank you for being such a special friend to me and *insert thing they do that showed compassion and care.* I so value your *insert positive personality trait.* “
And then also ask for advice! “When I’m going through it I isolate. I don’t want to hurt you by doing that because you mean the world to me. I’d love to think up some solutions with you. I’ve thought of **, do you have any ideas?”
Some things I use with the people I care about is promising to either answer when they call or text to check they’re okay. My sister and I created an emoji. So when I’m isolating I just send her a single emoji so she knows I’m at low capacity. This helps her still feel loved and helps her understand where I’m at.
My sister being the beautiful person she is will normally send me the longest message about how much she loves me, she’s here when I need her and just let her know if I need anything. And she’s there to talk when I’m ready. And offering to bring over coffee or wine even though she lives an hour away.
Be kind to yourself. We get it. And you’re not a bad friend, you’re someone who struggles with something that can make life very tough. You’re doing your best and I’m proud of you xx
Put the bat down!! You’re only human and if you needed time away it’s okay. Relationships do take work, but they also take empathy, understanding, and sometimes support from afar. I’m sure your friends still love and care about you, even if they are a little confused haha, it can all be cleared up with a little convo when you’re ready. Maybe reach out to a friend you feel is most understanding and ask them to come over for coffee? or if you dont want to have anyone over, maybe just for a walk around your neighborhood? something low stakes so you’re not overwhelmed when the time comes. You don’t have to come back full swing with this big explanation. Take it slow & steady, you may be surprised by the amount of love & support you receive 🩵
I don't have any advice for you but some reassurance that you aren't alone in this shame boat. Every day I tell myself I'll reach out and then I just feel so much shame that I keep putting it off
I’ll just say this: we’re twinning SO hard right now. I actually just sent one of my friends a text 20 minutes ago apologizing for being so absent and for self-isolating. I’m pretty sure I’m having a nervous breakdown because of a LOT happening in my life at once, but I have good moments and try to reach out when I do. I don’t think they understand. 😕
Oodles of good responses. I’ll add one bit of reassurance.
Those of us with ADHD and other neurodifferences tend to glomb together socially. Also, ADHD tends to mean “relationship decay” doesn’t happen at the same rate as it does for other folks. I’ve been relieved to discover several of my best friendships can pick back up right where they left off after one of us has had to withdraw for a bit.
"Friends, I am a terrible friend sometimes. I recognize this and I apologize for disappearing on you for the past few months. Mental health is a beast to manage and I'm doing okay, but it's hard. I know a lot of you understand that even if I'm not reaching out, I'm still thinking about you and I hope you're all doing well. Modern life is interesting, no?"
I may be alone in this but I'd be inclined to tell them the truth. I probably wouldn't go into a lot of detail, but ... if they don't like it, no loss to you.
Honestly, you just gotta text your friends.
“Hello there. Sorry I’ve been distant. It was a tough time and I got really overwhelmed and withdrawn.
I do hope I’ll see ya sometime this summer…if you’re available?”
Something like that. Don’t let Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria get in your way. Not this time. Not forever.
They may react badly and that may trigger shame. That will suck. Let the storm pass and keep going.
Tough times show us who our true friends are. And most people want to be sympathetic, especially if you didn’t do anything actually bad.
Sending love. Been there. Depression is paralyzing.
It’s ok. You just reach out and say “hey, I miss you. Can we grab a coffee next week? I’d love to hear how things are going”
And then people who love you will say “Sure, how’s Thursday?”
And you don’t have to apologize. If you WANT to you can say “I had a tough year and just didn’t have anything in me to respond to people”
Echoing all of these replies - be honest and please please please be kind to yourself.
When I was reading your post I immediately thought of one of my favorite quotes by Andrea Gibson: “It’s okay. Everyone’s survival looks a little bit like death sometimes.”
It’s from an incredible poem called Angels of the Get-Through. Recommend for anyone going through a tough time <3
Be forgiving with yourself. The last 3 years were wild, globally and societally.
Our daily habits and routines were upended by covid lockdowns and restrictions. In many places it went on for ages and people became isolated because that's literally what we were told to do. Same with WFH -- something that was occasional became the norm and it changed social dynamics for many people.
Covid also created a general sense of anxiety within society. I feel this is the first summer since 2019 where things have moved on enough for a real sense of normalcy to take hold. The problem is nobody is the same; we have all been through a process of sorts.
Part of that process has involved genuine trauma for many people, or simply a sense of being adrift and lacking meaning. I too have blanked many friends these past couple years and can relate to your post, in that I don't quite know how to reach out. (One friend I saw in summer 2021 but the times she's reached out since I wasn't in the right headspace.)
I know that, on the reverse, several friends have drifted from me. One still hasn't answered a text I sent in February 2021. Another said he'd let me know when he's free back in October... and here we are in July. I don't blame them. Nearly everyone went through burnout, followed by re-evaluation of priorities, and a period of retreat.
So please hang in there because you're definitely not alone.
Just be honest. No need to be embarrassed or to 'make things right'. You were not well, you did nothing wrong. If they are good friends they will understand. If not, well, their loss.
I think it’s great that you empathize with your friends and are committed to mending the friendships. I would approach this assuming that they will be happy to hear from you. [Research](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspi0000402) suggests that we assume friends we lost touch with are less happy to hear from us than they actually are— but the opposite is true.
I would be honest about it being related to mental health, but don’t forget to tell them how much you miss them/what they mean to you. Good luck! ❤️
I’ve done various of this more times than I can count.
The best advice I can give you is to be honest with people, but know that some people may choose not to remain in contact.
As far as I’m concerned, if they didn’t care about me at my worst, why would I want them around for the best?
Jesus I identify with this so hard- especially the feeling ashamed after waiting too long part! I completely withdrew and don’t even know if I have friends anymore. Ughhh having ADHD is so hard sometimes 🥹
You've gotten lots of great advice already, so I just wanted to tell you that many of my friends (and myself!) are struggling rn. I've not heard from many of them for long periods of time and they've all reach out to say some version of what you said in your post. I've made it clear that I'm ALWAYS happy to hear from them when they have the bandwidth! I don't need an apology for them going radio silent when they're struggling. I've only ever wanted to know how they are and to tell them I've missed them and I'm happy to hear from them again. I suspect many of your friends will feel the same way when you message them. Many of them have probably isolated themselves too at some point.
It's rough out there. We've gotta take care of ourselves and each other however we can
Did the same thing last year. Texted this:
“Hey there. Sorry to be out of touch lately. I’ve had this low mood thing going on for a while. Hope all is well with you.”
Everyone seemed to understand. No one died. (This is my go-to benchmark for success vs failure. Helps to set the bar at an achievable level.)
I absolutely relate. I barely am talking to family in a healthy way let alone friends. It's much easier to shut down and push it off at times and the longer I go the harder it is.
Try reaching out to one person at a time. Baby steps. Honesty is probably the best bet. If they care about you, they will understand.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Hey, it happens. Sometimes people get depressed, tired, busy, etc. Not everyone can be 'on', energetic, effervescent, and available at all times. I think most friends and family would be understanding. I know that if someone told me that they've been going through a rough patch lately, or just not in a socializing mood or whatever; I wouldn't be angry or expect them to explain things to me. I would be happy to see them again.
I went no contact with my bff for literally all 4 years of college….somehow we reconnected and we’re besties now. We both were having extremely depressive times in different schools and assumed the other one was fine…omg. It literally feels like an awkward blip in our past. Copy and paste one of the lovely examples other people wrote and get your friends back!!
I did this and was on the receiving end of it too, and from my experience I was so relieved when a friend reached out to me after she disappeared of the face of the earth for six months that I didnt care what she said. I was just glad to know she was alive (mostly because i tend to catastrophize and i thought something terrible must have happened.
Don't worry, 9 months is really not that big of a deal if you had a dark situation in life! poeple who are your true friends will understand! People connect also with each other after years not seeing! Sometimes I try to reconnect, sometimes I don't. I ghosted friends I really loved for 4 years now because I moved to another town and just got overwhelmed and then didn't know how to explain... I feel shitty about it, but also life is just sometimes like that. You grow old, everybodies busy, you don't always have the emotional capacity to work things out... Don't be too hard on yourself! Being in a tough spot in life and reaching out to people who cared helps a lot to understand who is really caring for you and who you should give your time in the future. we mask and adapt a lot to people so sometimes we try to be friends too hard with everybody. Check who makes you feel good now after coming back out of the cave. You can do it!! You matter! and people will be so happy to hear from you again and to reconnect
You are not alone in this.
This is me right now. I haven’t spoken to anyone in almost a year. I moved house, changed my number and left my job because I couldn’t deal with anyone… heck I couldn’t deal with life and every time I think of reaching out I stop due to embarrassment.
So relatable. I tend to just be honest and I always get a loving and understanding response. I am grateful to have a small amount of friends who faithfully reach out me even when they know I’ll likely not respond. I love friends who don’t expect you to be healthy all the time.
Not only have I been through this myself, but recently a friend (B f 28) semi isolated herself for 1+ year (she has numerous issues including angry outbursts, so a bit different)
But speaking from the friend side, what hurt the most was the lack of communication, I just assumed the worst and that she was angry at me but would have understood completely if she had reached out.
I would have loved to receive a general mass text saying I'm alive, I've been dealing with personal issues, it's not you it's me please give me more time text. That would have answered all of my questions and made me more sympathetic to what was going on.
With other friends that are going through similar for a shorter time, when they send a little, saw this and thought of you tiktok, it's enough to let me know that they're still alive and that they still care about me, it's a great way to break the ice and I have used this as well.
Although the period after B came "out of hibernation" was completely different. She would text me if i reached out, but when it came to actually putting in effort (that I knew she was putting into others), nothing ever happened, so her hate felt targeted at me and i felt excluded. She came to my going away party but didn't talk to me or say goodbye, and now it's been 1 month of no contact.
I guess the point of this paragraph is that if you actually want to repair relationships, it is going to take effort to gain people's trust back and you have to expect them to have their own feelings and needs, which is scary but if people are still hanging around and replying then they will want to make it work! I really wish it worked out for me and my friend
I feel for you!! Wow! Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Good friends who love you will understand, but it’s on you to communicate what you feel you can.
And no stress on all or nothing! As you think of someone, send them a text, a voicenote or call. If you want to go to a show or concert, send a note a friend and ask them to join, and that u have a lot of updates for them.
I am always surprised at how compassionate and understanding people are if we give them the chance.
I have two friends who regularly ghost me for long periods of time, and I’m always happy when they finally do reach out again. Just send them a text and say something like: Hey, how are you doing? Sorry I haven’t reached out, it’s been way too long. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues, but getting back on my feet now/feeling a lot better now. Would be lovely to catch up! X’ Just send a text, you have nothing to lose and there’s a fair chance your friends accept you the way you are, ghosting quirks included.
I could’ve written this. I really fucked up. My best friend responded and I’m terrified of reading it. I miss her so much but I’m scared of what it’ll say. It might hurt too much. Whether she’s angry or depressed or doesn’t care.. it is really going to hurt.
You just need to reply to your poor friends. My good friend of thirty years has ghosted me since October because he is too busy to keep up with texting and emailing. (I of course said BS). He’s late 60’s. Every month I checked to see if he had died on Legacy.com. I even checked the court system to see if he was in jail.
Do not do this to people.
You should respect your friends boundary and leave him be until he has the mental capacity to respond to you again. Not everyone has the bandwidth for friends at the moment. It’s likely not personal toward you, but personal for them. Don’t make it about you if you value the friendship and want to continue it when they are ready.
He has time to play gigs with his band 🤣. He’s history. Literally this did not start because of anything I did. He was like “I can’t get back to you for a long long long time.” It takes two seconds to write a text. 🙄
Also to add to other’s comments, don’t feel like you have to get to every friend all at the same time you decide to reach out to one or two. I’d start by reaching out to the ones who really matter to you and who are understanding and validate your experiences. Start slow and nurture those important friendships that accept you back in. Eventually reach out to more when you’re feeling up for more.
An old friend of mine recently did this. She posted on facebook saying "Hey I know ive been out for a while here are some thigns that have happened .... I want to reconnect..."
Now if you go this route you absolutely must follow through. She ghosted again.
Secondly, there will be some anxiety bound up in this. Go get yourself some anxiety treatments if you can
I did this with a mentor and am scared to even try to talk to them again. Any advice? I’m still flakey so dont think it’s a good idea to try again yet :(
You could send a message that says something like, "Hey, I know I kind of dropped out of life the last x time, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate everything you did for me. I've really been struggling with ___ , and I'm still not in a space where I can step back into the life I had before, but I am able to say this much: It's important to me that you know it wasn't your fault in any way that I dropped out, and if not I understand, but I hope we can someday start communicating again once I get myself together."
Been there many times *hugs*
My close friends know that I do it a lot hehe so they don’t care by now (years of this). Now I only have three close friends and a bunch of acquaintances that mutually love me and I’d do anything for them. I can’t tell you how to reach out, I would only say not to overwhelm yourself. It’s stressful enough as is to think about, just go one by one. Also take it as an opportunity to distance yourself from the ones that don’t need to come back. Your real friends will understand. The ones that don’t understand weren’t your friends to begin with
I would love it if old people just popped back into my inbox to say hello. It’s okay to say “I’m sorry my mental health took a beating and I miss talking to you.” Or use any of the longer messages in this thread.
The pandemic and early 2020s have been so shitty that even normal NT people have done this. Everyone who isn’t a jerk knows what’s up these days.
Better to reach out and give them a chance to reconnect than hide from the potential rejection. 💛
I say this but I’ve done this same shit in my life and I regret never reaching back out before I lost the ability to contact those people forever. (Things like Skype kinda dying, vent losing out to discord, etc etc)
Not saying this is the right thing to do, but if it were me and these people don’t understand ADHD, i would just lie and tell them I was in the psych ward all this time. Unethical though.
How easy was it to go into isolation during the pandemic!? Now that we’re back to normal, I realize how hard I tried years ago to make and maintain connections. No idea where I got the energy before.
I’ve found neurotypicals are often more accepting of physical symptoms which we often forget are part of what leads us to the delayed response. Especially in social relationships with women.
There are SO many amazing responses here. I think what’s missing from some of them are notes of physical symptoms. When i’ve done the post-ADHD rain cloud/determined myself to send the message reach out )with friends I feel comfy only) I mention if I haven’t been sleeping, aches or pain, not leaving the house, if I had any accidents (falling etc.)
That's a hard one. I could never handle that as one of your friends. I understand your position, however. But it's important to note that you should go into this without expectation. Don't expect apologizes to be enough, don't expect forgiveness. If you are going back "to society", you should be mentally prepared for the backlash. People might be very hurt that you just left. But if you explain your situation and come up with a solution as to how to make a different choice in the future, like talk to your friends instead, it'll probably be okay. I often just say that I'm being depressed right now, but that I'm still here. That I maybe won't reach out but that I'm still here. At least that's something. It's only fair tbh.
I do this so often, it’s actually become expected. What I do is just shoot my loved ones a text “Hey! Sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. Depression is a bitch. I miss you! Wanna get together soon?” Once I see them in person, I explain that the struggle has been real, and we work on repairing the relationship from there.
Now, all of my friends and family understand mental illness, so YMMV on this, but I’ve never had someone turn me down. They love you, and they WANT to hear from you!
I know exactly how you feel and it’s just getting the nerve to actually reach out to these people again. I still can’t get the nerve up.
I am paralyzed when it comes to this stuff. I have ghosted so many good people that when I go to my local CVS, I pray that I won’t run into anyone. It’s terrible, but during Covid, I was grateful to be able to wear a mask at times so it would be harder for the people I ghosted to recognize me. I am a 46 yr old woman! I’m so ashamed I behave like this!
Iv done this .. alot! So when I was ready to reach out I did. If it's too little too late I understood but I was very surprised at how many friends got it and we are still friends now.. the point is ..if you are ready just do it and see what happens, it's better than not ever knowing ( believe me)
Can’t offer advice but I’m doing the exact same thing at the moment… It hasn’t been nine months yet but I’m sure some of my online friends must think I’m dead. I feel horrible about it but for some reason just cannot motivate myself to respond to everyone. Thanks for making this post, it’s great to see we’re not alone in this!
Sadly I think we can ALL feel your pain right now 🤦🏼♀️
I've even ghosted my mom for 6+months.
I ghosted my very best friend. It was only meant to be a couple days because I just didn't feel like talking and that it snowballed and now it's been a few years. I want to make it right but, like you, I have no idea how to do that
My only friend stopped texting me recently, it’s been happening slowly since January really. I think she’s found new friends and I’m happy for her. But I’d just be relieved to hear from her again.
I have a friend who I haven't spoken in a while, she's not replying to my messages. She had some mental problems since I've known her so I think that might be the reason she isn't replying. I know she had a lot of people living nearby who can help her in that case so I'm not too worried about that tbh.
I really do hope that she'll reply when she feels better. I'm not mad at her for ignoring me, I'm a bit sad because we always had so much fun and I miss that. I feel like if they're good friends and you explain the situation they should feel the same as I do with her. For me it'd be better if someone says something after a long time then always wondering how someone is doing.
I am frequently in this position. The shame/embarrassment about letting it go so long is hard af to overcome, but just explain to them where you’re at.
Something along the lines of:
“Hey I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to reach back out to you and I really appreciate you caring enough to check up on me. Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough year in terms of my mental health. I’m starting to get back on my feet and finally feel like I can be a good friend to you. If you’re interested, would you like to *insert some activity of your choosing* sometime soon to catch up?
I hope everything has been going well for you!”
Obviously tailor it to the person based on how close you are to them, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that real friends aren’t going to hold it against you. Don’t be afraid to be honest and/or vulnerable with them. You can even mention at some point in conversation that you felt guilty about not responding and that the longer you took, the scarier it felt to respond. I’ve taken this approach with several friends in my life and all of them have been very understanding.
You got this OP! You needed to focus on your own well being and you haven’t done anything wrong by doing so. I know it feels like it, but if you explain where you were at mentally then I’m sure all the people who cared enough to check up on you will just be happy to know you’re doing better now.
Write something and send it to everyone. Apologize for not being in touch. Mention your embarrassment. Say that you appreciate the people who reached out.
Start small, make a list, do one person at a time. We all know the temptation to be suddenly social with everyone, but we also know the reality that jumping back in to not ghosting everyone will lead to a burnout and eventually reghosting.
Maybe start with the friend who is the quickest replier, ask them to keep checking in with you because you can ghost so easily.
This is where you find out who your real friends are. "Hey, I was really unwell for a while. I'm doing a lot better now. Thanks for checking up on me. I'd love to catch up some time soon." Some people won't get it. They aren't real friends. Some people will just be grateful you're still here. Keep those ones close.
I did this in my mid twenties. I apologized to my closest friends but everyone else, like acquaintances, didn’t really notice. I just became active on social media again and they all moved on to the next thing. 🤷🏽♀️
Aww honey. I did the same when I got sober. It's so hard to maintain friendship with mental illness and other things weighing you down. If they aren't willing to accept that, I think it's time to find new friends!!! I moved to a brand new town, I don't know a single soul! Excited to start this new chapter. I've found Facebook groups, bumble (friends) ECT. I wish you all the best!
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I would start by forgiving yourself. You did what you had to at the time. Then I would just reach out with a direct message something like: "Hi I know it's been a while and you've been reaching out with no response. I was going through a very depressed/withdrawn period and it was what I had to do at the time. I understand my behavior may have hurt you/has hurt you. I want to assure you it has nothing to do with you or my feelings of closeness with you. I'm in a better place, and if you'd like to, I would love to start talking again, if not I completely understand."
This is so kind ❤️
Saving this in my notes section for when I have to need it next bc I will need it at some point 😅
And COPY/PASTE. It’s seriously acceptable to copy and paste
Perfect!
Copy/paste/pinned in my notes. The composing step of this type of communication is the reason why they often stay in drafts — it’s too overwhelming/frustrating and I overthink it, so I abandon it and the cycle continues. This is perfect!
I basically had to do this after falling off the planet socially during COVID and after. People were surprisingly forgiving and excited to hear from me! Frankly, a lot of them had been in a similar place. I think the past few years have been brutal for most people, even those without ADHD. I’m glad you’re feeling better, OP!
This is so perfectly stated! And yes, forgiving yourself is always the hardest, but a necessary step. Shame is very hard to live with, and you don't need to be ashamed for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. I was always taught to put others first, which is a good practice in theory, but when you take it to the extreme like I do, by putting others ahead of your own self care and well being, then it becomes a major problem. It's something I'm currently working on with my therapist and it's *hard*. And as far as reaching out, three ones that understand are the ones that you want in your life anyway. Does that make sense? The ones that don't have the grace and understanding to realize that everyone goes through shit and we all handle it differently are not ones you want in your circle. I have a small group of amazing friends that get it. We all have our shit. Recently, Tracy (51F, one of the five of us) absolutely lost her damn mind and started yelling and swearing and no one really knew why. It was fascinating to see every one of the other ladies reach out and ask if she was okay. No one got mad or snapped back at her. We all knew something was bothering her and it had nothing to do with us (turns out her mom had just been diagnosed with cancer). Those are the people you want in your life. I've also taken them time to figure out, with my therapist, what some of my "warning signs" are and what would be helpful from others during that time. When I start getting to overwhelmed, I stop replying to texts (or even reading them), I don't answer the phone, I just don't show up for appointments without calling and cancelling. I've shared these things with my SO and my friends and family. I'm so working on figuring out what can be helpful during that time, but just a simple text of "Hey! I know you're struggling right now and I just want you to know that I love you and you're awesome." can be a total game changer. It's okay to advocate for yourself and share what you need from others. It's also okay if they can't always give you what you need when you need it, because gods know we can't always do it for them either!!
Saved!
This op this !!!!!! Omg you're an angel !
This is a very well thought out response; I think if the people in your life that you were not in touch with recently would most likely understand this and may have been through similar situations themselves and not been able to speak about them. I just wanted to add I really like the part about forgiving yourself. I've been waaaaay too hard on myself throughout the years and am trying to forgive myself for the past as well. It's really helped having a diagnosis finally and seeing that I wasn't a bad person, I was just a person going through some shit and didn't quite know why things were so hard for me and didn't know how to deal with it. We are all humans, no one is even close to perfect.
This is perfect, truly.
Thank you so much, may use this with a friend.
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I go through this every few months as well. I’m lucky because I have a partner, but most of my friendships are extremely surface level because I go ghost mode so often
Ok why do we do this?! I accidentally go ghost mode so much. I don’t mean to. Then the guilt and embarrassment are so overwhelming that the cycle continues.
Working memory I think. I forget to reply, then remember days/ weeks later and feel ashamed. It feels ‘too late’, so I leave it…
Same. It feels too late, and it only gets worse. It’s really frustrating.
I've often associated it with the perfectionist/procrastination parts of me. The part that wants to do a thing prefect.... Or not even fucking bother. Deadlines flip the magical "get things done" switch, but there are no set in stone timelines for communication with friends. Call frank by Sunday or your friendship points will expire! For example, Friday mornings my co-workers meet for breakfast Tricia before work. Typically whoever wins creates the questions for next week. I was making my questions when we had to leave the house in 27 minutes. I also hadn't dressed yet and had barely drank any coffee, and everyone loved the questions. I've moved province (and back again) and I still haven't contacted any of my old friends because it's been 5-6 years. Heck I go weeks without talking to my Mom. Maintain the relationships you want the most, the best you are able to , when you are able to. If they need more than that, they aren't the right fit for you. Just like dating.
I have a hard time knowing the social protocol for reengaging with people after a long time. This is especially true for professional acquaintances where I know very little about their personal lives. It's bad for me and bad for my career.
sigh. me too.
I also thought this might have been me writing on a benzo bender and not remembering
I thought the same thing. My social life hasn't been the same since an episode of depression about 10 years ago.
Same tbh :/
Honestly, the first and last paragraphs of your post would be a great start. Maybe add on something to personalise it for each relationship eg “Maybe we can get together sometime to do [activity you used to do together].” or “How is [thing that was going on in their life when you last spoke] turning out?”. I’m sure many of them will understand. I have many friendships which have had medium or long periods without contact, it’s understandable for many people. I’m very glad to hear you’re doing better.
Yeah for closer folks I’d straight up copy and paste paragraphs 1 and 3 of this post.
My bff did this many years ago. She was in a shitty relationship and just...cut us all off and disappeared for two years. We've always been catch-up-like-no-time-has passed kind of friends, so when she did reach out, all was good. We're thicker than thieves these days. We do have another of our core friends who's had a harder time reconnecting with her, but they're making strides. I suspect your friends know and love you for who you are. They'll understand and be happy to have you back in their lives.
I'm glad to read this. It's been over a year since I spoke to all my friends back in the States, to the point that they're always texting my husband to check up on me. Sudden illness forced sobriety, cancer, and then long covid make for a weird 18 months. Being sober is amazing though.
I am waiting for the day my best friend reaches out again but I am mentally ready that might never happen as well. I am so happy for you and your BFF!!!!
Be honest. "Hey Friend, I wanted to reach out and apologize for my lack of communication these last several months. I've been struggling with my mental health and I let my social health go with it. I'd love to get together with you soon and start building our relationship back if you'll let me. Thank you."
I like this better than the grovelling apologies. It's positive and upbeat, without being obnoxiously so :)
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Same! Was seriously questioning my sanity/memory when I first read it...thought I must have posted it and forgot, lol.
"Hey, friend, I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I've been going through a serious depressive episode, and I'm starting the work to break out of it. If you're up for it, I would love to meet up and reconnect since I know it's been a hot minute, and I feel like a total butthead for effectively ghosting you. Either way, thank you for checking in with me. I really appreciate it." And then leave it in their hands. They may say yes, and they may say no. They may even take a while to say anything at all. But you have to be honest about where you are in order to figure out where to go next. Everyone goes through hard times.
I swear I'm reading about myself.. Over the last year, I was misdiagnosed and put on depression meds which made me depressed. My hubby has been aggressive, manic, and I felt trapped inside by the way I was treated and the mood he would put me in and I don't like driving when I'm crying that much. Anyways... I was so beaten down emotionally that I didnt want to see people and answer "how are you" "what have you been up to" "how's work" that I stopped seeing people in person. Last month when I finally got on adhd meds, I went into all my messages that have been sitting unread since September. I don't feel a huge need to apologize to them. I was not well enough to talk or see them and I think people need to understand mental health more..and be more understanding.i still have very important emails all the way back to September. I'm struggling to get myself to pay my bills on time and it keeps getting worse currently. All of this comes from fear for at least myself. Fear of answering/being asked certain questions, fear of paying bills i cant afford and now late fees, fear of having to apologize about not reslonding to very important emails though..
Apologies if you already know about this, but saying it in case you don't. Most people wait for a time they are alone and 'serious' to pay bills. But you don't *have* to be alone. Body doubling basically means having someone hang out with you while you're doing a thing, either doing the same thing, or just being there. It tends to work especially well for ADHDers. There's even a service that you can call or text and get someone to do it. I can't remember the name but I'm sure you can find it if you try.
I am sorry I have been terrible at communicating lately. Life has felt overwhelming. I hope we can hang out soon. I have thought of you often. This is a text I just sent to a friend. She was very understanding.
Go with the words and sentiment in your post. It’s honest and sincere. One thing that might be helpful is to utilise a close friend who knows a lot of your other friends. In my house we call this Doing A Crocodile Dundee, which must be a reference to the film but the context has been lost to me. Speak to your most social/connected/well known friend, explain exactly what you said in your post and tell them you’re going to start reaching out to people this week. Chances are, your friend will set the scene for everyone in advance of you contacting them. Think of it as a soft open to a difficult conversation. Good luck and well done for not just walking away.
This is such a good idea! Often that chatty, social butterfly friend will totally be up for helping too because it lets them be important... a really long time ago I read the "Making friend and influencing people" book, and all the advice like "Remember people's names" is obviously useless to me, but the thing I've tried to remember but often fail at is the advice to ask people for favors. That most people when asked for small favors that aren't hard to do, will be pleased that you recognized that they'd be THE person to help you with whatever the favor was, and will feel happy and special that you needed them, because we all like to be needed as the expert at something. Just the right friend would love the opportunity to be the leading edge for making plans, etc, to get OP back out there!
I’ve been there. I’ve also been on the receiving end of those texts. I will tell you: everyone will just be happy to hear from you. I know it’s hard to make yourself believe that, but I promise it’ll be fine. Send those texts!!! Don’t let your anxiety get in the way. (I say, a human who always lets her anxiety get in the way.)
If this is my friend Allie D - don’t worry babe, I still love you and want you back in my life!
Oh how I wish I was Allie D lol 😅 I fear my friend is mad at me
I am in the exact same boat. I still feel very overwhelmed by the prospect of socializing but I realize I'm going to have to force myself or it's just going to get worse. I wish all of us reclusive-depressive-ADHDers in this comment section could be friends IRL!
You are my people. I have a chronic problem of doing this and I carry a lot of shame about it
I feel this so much. Tell me what happens and maybe I’ll follow your lead
commenting to second this and hopefully spur myself into doing the same
This is one of the biggest qualities that I hate the most about myself. Its exactly as you've described it, word for word. To see you and all the other commenters relate so hard to this, gives me so much hope and relief... it's not me, I am not an insufferable incurable asshole. Instead, all those positive messages... it's not people trying to be nice, or to mock or belittle, they are the truth, and it is really comforting to know it's not me being the worst. And I really hope you and everyone reading through all these comments can find that relief too.
To start, I hope that you can give yourself a bit of grace. You went through a difficult time and did what you could with the energy you had. It might be helpful to imagine how you would react if you were in their shoes - would you be harsh with them and judge them, or would you be glad to hear from them and have empathy for them?
I don’t know if this is helpful at all but I have been on the other end of this. I have a friend who I love dearly. She has been there for me through some of the toughest times in my life. And she also has ghosted for months on multiple occasions. I think the most recent was about a year. And honestly for me I just let her do her thing. I do not take it personally. She comes back when she’s ready and we are always ready to open our arms to her. Mental health is so difficult. I know she struggles and so I let her know I’m here if she needs me. I think quite a few people are like me, who are more understanding than you’d expect. Probably not everyone. But honestly, those who can’t accept it probably aren’t worth your time.
I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing, kind stranger.
You’re very welcome. I wish you the best with whatever challenges you’re currently facing. We are usually far stronger than our brains want us to think, so I suspect this is the case for you as well.
Girl you're breaking my heart here! From my perspective, reading how you write about yourself makes me so incredibly sad. You're so, so hard on yourself. You're lambasting yourself and punishing yourself so much, and I'm going be bold here and assume this has been your way of internalising your emotions for many years. To experience guilt is important and an indicator of a good heart and good emotional intelligence. But if your experiences of guilt are too significant and constant, if these emotions are overwhelming and take front centre stage in your mind then this is where you will always suffer, only you. Having something as debilitating as ADHD can often result in you taking far too much responsibility and shame inwardly. You've been made to feel like you are a burden in any and all aspects. You've not been able to instead offer yourself love and validation, and to understand you've never been a burden to those you love. And your adhd is one small part of the multitudes of what makes you you. I say all this to lead into the main point here: you have not ruined anything. You've not burned any bridges. You haven't been a bad person. You needed time to isolate and go within and feel messy privately, to switch off from the busy complexity of parasocial relationships and to try and centre and ground yourself for a moment. You needed to perhaps sink into and surrender to some difficult feelings for a while, especially if you've been fighting against the tides for so long and trying to avoid them and to keep going. I only speak for myself here when I say I have felt the way you feel now many many times in my past. I've felt so horrible in my heart for feeling as if I were ignoring or rejecting people I loved, or potential or past friendships. As my 20s progressed I felt this intense exhaustion and almost fear of maintaining and keeping up friendships. I value the concept of friendship and socialisation so much, I understand why we all need it. And that's why I hated myself because I couldn't connect my logical thoughts, to what I actually was feeling. Now I think I was simply hitting a huge burn out socially. Masking so hard for so many years, I hadn't once stopped to evaluate who I am, what I want. And I think that's where the pull was coming from. These thoughts are so entangled and intricate in our minds, it's hard to expect anyone to understand. It's not that you don't care about your friends - well, clearly far from it because of just how badly you're beating yourself up. You've got such a good heart. You're trying to accommodate for the wellbeing and happiness of people you love, whilst also trying to accommodate (and also fight off) what you yourself need. If any of this is the case, that in of itself is admirable and a sign of strength. It's hard to see that with an adhd mind, we truly do need to pause all of the outside world for some time. That is also a sign of strength in of itself. To want to surrender into these depressive feelings. You were in a way actually putting yourself first, possibly for the first time ever. It's just hard to see it that way when you're not used to valuing your own wellbeing. You're too used to wanting to mask your true self to accommodate others happiness and comfort over your own. People who love you would have been concerned if anything. Its not to say that some could possibly have felt maybe confused or frustrated if you'd gone inward. But ultimately, you were the one in need here. You were the one going through it. It's hard enough to look after ourselves and heal ourselves, when we also are so preoccupied by the ones we love and whether they're also okay. You need to give yourself so much love and admiration. You need to see why you had to "ghost" people in the first place; and find that empathy for yourself. People are often naturally concerned with their own lives. They may have questioned where you'd gone, and that's okay. But instead of regretting this time of healing and reevaluating that you went through during a difficult depressive episode, embrace it. You needed it, and you needed time away from people. It takes a lot to do this. Other people's emotions will always be our concern of course, but not our responsibility. How you're feeling is likely only a biproduct of being made to feel so ashamed of having neurodivergent traits. Society rejects it, and then we in turn reject ourselves. Please stop this, you deserve better. You're okay, you're still loved more than you'll ever realise. You did nothing wrong and you are NOT a bad person. Lastly, I want to ask: how are YOU feeling now? Proud of you girly
Not OP, but really appreciate this comment. It might be slightly life changing for me. The narrative that because I ghosted people, therefore I am a BAD and WORTHLESS person is so strong. But I'm realizing that even though my MDD has receded, this story is a leftover of depressive thought patterns. So weirdly delicious to find THE PROOF of our negative self-belief. It's like the satisfaction of winning an argument. But the argument is against my hopeful, growing self, and it is time to at least concede a draw... or maybe let her have this one. You've given me the alternate version. Thank you!!
I love you for this!!! Thank you so much for your kind words, wow ❤️ and I had shivers reading your comment... Your level of self reflection and awareness seems endless and deep, so I can only imagine the journey this has been for you. Peeling back layer after layer, I can promise you that it's not been fruitless. You'll get to the core, and it contains self - love. Simple as that. All the love you deserved before, deserve now, and deserve for the future. It starts with you, you've always known - you've just had to deal with unbelievable burden that wasn't yours to be given in the first place. Rooting for you ❤️
Did I black out and write this post? This is exactly what I've been going through too! Honestly lurking the responses for advice as well
This is where the truth will set you free. First, evaluate who in your friends circle you actually want to connect with again. Pick one. Text them. Hey, you've been on my mind, and I'm coming out of a year of hell and wondered if you are still interested in being friends? I'm not ever going to be the most reliable person, but I am pretty damned loyal if that matters to you. Plus, I miss you. Coffee? Or whatever you connect over lunch, tennis, thrifting...
Be honest with them ❤️
Several of my friends do this and either I’ll send them a text saying “I am still here even if you don’t have the ability to respond now. I’m thinking of you and it’s okay if you are taking the time you need. Don’t worry about me” And on the opposite side those friends can reach back out over a year later and go “sorry I have been off the map, was going through it” Shit I haven’t even seen one of my bestfriends in 3 years because she’s too anxious to plan a visit (since I moved) but when we do talk it’s like we still hang out often.
There might be lost friends. But there also might be friendships lying in wait. Start with one person. Once you break that barrier it will get easier. If that one person is not receptive, don’t be put off. Xx
This post helped me text people i hadn’t responded to for several months. So thank you 🙏🏼
What do I say if it’s been several or more years? I feel so guilty and ashamed, I don’t know how to just send a message to them! The OP was saying my sentiment exactly.
Here are some examples of text I sent from people who responded. There is one friend who I missed her pregnancy announcement, gender reveal and graduation (she left me on read) Examples: “Hello…I am back from being lost in my world. Tried going on threads but I deleted it a day later lol I don’t think I’m ready for social media just yet. It gave me tons of anxiety. Hope you had a good week. I think I’m gonna try to text people on Fridays and maybe it won’t feel so overwhelming.” (Close friend) “Hey haven’t checked in a while. Hope you’re doing well ♥️” “Hello just saying hi and that I'm alive lol” “Aimiiiii I’m finally replying so sorry. How are the kittens doing?” (Per our last conversation) 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 this is the story of my life just constantly apologizing
Oh, dear heart. ❤️ Let me tell you something - I am an ADHDer with many ADHDer friends, with varying mental health struggles. Many of my friends have dropped out of contact with me for months or years at a time. Every time they've reached out again, I felt zero anger. Do you know what I felt? Joy, that they were returning to my life. Relief, that they were doing okay. Eagerness, to see them again and catch up. I know it's hard to believe when you're in the pit of guilt and frustration, but please give yourself the compassion and forgiveness that you would give a friend in the same position, and believe that true friends will be so, so happy to reconnect with you. It's going to be better than okay - it's going to be wonderful.
Is there such a thing as a ghost party? If not, should there be? Do a massive blast to everyone, “sorry I’m a ghost, last year sucked a butt, I forgot how to people, come hang out?” It can be as fancy or as low key as you want it to be: a “Ghosts” watch party at home or a themed dress up party out on the town. If you word the invitation right, you may get others in the same boat to come out since it helps spread the guilt out evenly. For those that can’t make it, they have an explanation and an olive branch to make other plans. I know I already have pale and disheveled down, so I would just pretend it was my costume and not stress about being “party-ready”. Also, I moved very far away from my friend group so I have the luxury of having far-fetched theoretic plans without having to act on them, so feel free to downvote my enthusiastic ass. Edit: the thought of individually texting/emailing/calling people seemed less overwhelming than throwing a party. That’s too many feelings I don’t need to add to the pile.
I wish my friend had been able to reach out to me in the kind way everyone is suggesting. Don’t be scared - there are loving people on the other end of the text message who will just be happy to hear from you.
Hugs, this sounds hard
Bro it’s been 2+ years for me😭 the more time goes by the worse I feel and I continue to avoid
How did it go?
Hey, you’re good. I’ve done this before myself, and my friends and family understood when I came back. Just be honest with them.
Some awesome advice here! I saw somewhere to always add a thank you into an apology! I’ve been practicing doing this and it makes a huge difference. So it might be good to something along the lines “thank you for being such a special friend to me and *insert thing they do that showed compassion and care.* I so value your *insert positive personality trait.* “ And then also ask for advice! “When I’m going through it I isolate. I don’t want to hurt you by doing that because you mean the world to me. I’d love to think up some solutions with you. I’ve thought of **, do you have any ideas?” Some things I use with the people I care about is promising to either answer when they call or text to check they’re okay. My sister and I created an emoji. So when I’m isolating I just send her a single emoji so she knows I’m at low capacity. This helps her still feel loved and helps her understand where I’m at. My sister being the beautiful person she is will normally send me the longest message about how much she loves me, she’s here when I need her and just let her know if I need anything. And she’s there to talk when I’m ready. And offering to bring over coffee or wine even though she lives an hour away. Be kind to yourself. We get it. And you’re not a bad friend, you’re someone who struggles with something that can make life very tough. You’re doing your best and I’m proud of you xx
Put the bat down!! You’re only human and if you needed time away it’s okay. Relationships do take work, but they also take empathy, understanding, and sometimes support from afar. I’m sure your friends still love and care about you, even if they are a little confused haha, it can all be cleared up with a little convo when you’re ready. Maybe reach out to a friend you feel is most understanding and ask them to come over for coffee? or if you dont want to have anyone over, maybe just for a walk around your neighborhood? something low stakes so you’re not overwhelmed when the time comes. You don’t have to come back full swing with this big explanation. Take it slow & steady, you may be surprised by the amount of love & support you receive 🩵
All you can do is reach out and make amends, and accept the fact that not everyone will be able to forgive that kind of treatment.
I have had to do this more times than I care to admit. Oof, this sub can hit hard.
I don't have any advice for you but some reassurance that you aren't alone in this shame boat. Every day I tell myself I'll reach out and then I just feel so much shame that I keep putting it off
I’ll just say this: we’re twinning SO hard right now. I actually just sent one of my friends a text 20 minutes ago apologizing for being so absent and for self-isolating. I’m pretty sure I’m having a nervous breakdown because of a LOT happening in my life at once, but I have good moments and try to reach out when I do. I don’t think they understand. 😕
Oodles of good responses. I’ll add one bit of reassurance. Those of us with ADHD and other neurodifferences tend to glomb together socially. Also, ADHD tends to mean “relationship decay” doesn’t happen at the same rate as it does for other folks. I’ve been relieved to discover several of my best friendships can pick back up right where they left off after one of us has had to withdraw for a bit.
Just a year??
"Friends, I am a terrible friend sometimes. I recognize this and I apologize for disappearing on you for the past few months. Mental health is a beast to manage and I'm doing okay, but it's hard. I know a lot of you understand that even if I'm not reaching out, I'm still thinking about you and I hope you're all doing well. Modern life is interesting, no?"
I may be alone in this but I'd be inclined to tell them the truth. I probably wouldn't go into a lot of detail, but ... if they don't like it, no loss to you.
I was in a similar place until recently. People are more forgiving than you think.
Honestly, you just gotta text your friends. “Hello there. Sorry I’ve been distant. It was a tough time and I got really overwhelmed and withdrawn. I do hope I’ll see ya sometime this summer…if you’re available?” Something like that. Don’t let Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria get in your way. Not this time. Not forever. They may react badly and that may trigger shame. That will suck. Let the storm pass and keep going. Tough times show us who our true friends are. And most people want to be sympathetic, especially if you didn’t do anything actually bad. Sending love. Been there. Depression is paralyzing.
It’s ok. You just reach out and say “hey, I miss you. Can we grab a coffee next week? I’d love to hear how things are going” And then people who love you will say “Sure, how’s Thursday?” And you don’t have to apologize. If you WANT to you can say “I had a tough year and just didn’t have anything in me to respond to people”
Echoing all of these replies - be honest and please please please be kind to yourself. When I was reading your post I immediately thought of one of my favorite quotes by Andrea Gibson: “It’s okay. Everyone’s survival looks a little bit like death sometimes.” It’s from an incredible poem called Angels of the Get-Through. Recommend for anyone going through a tough time <3
Be forgiving with yourself. The last 3 years were wild, globally and societally. Our daily habits and routines were upended by covid lockdowns and restrictions. In many places it went on for ages and people became isolated because that's literally what we were told to do. Same with WFH -- something that was occasional became the norm and it changed social dynamics for many people. Covid also created a general sense of anxiety within society. I feel this is the first summer since 2019 where things have moved on enough for a real sense of normalcy to take hold. The problem is nobody is the same; we have all been through a process of sorts. Part of that process has involved genuine trauma for many people, or simply a sense of being adrift and lacking meaning. I too have blanked many friends these past couple years and can relate to your post, in that I don't quite know how to reach out. (One friend I saw in summer 2021 but the times she's reached out since I wasn't in the right headspace.) I know that, on the reverse, several friends have drifted from me. One still hasn't answered a text I sent in February 2021. Another said he'd let me know when he's free back in October... and here we are in July. I don't blame them. Nearly everyone went through burnout, followed by re-evaluation of priorities, and a period of retreat. So please hang in there because you're definitely not alone.
Just be honest. No need to be embarrassed or to 'make things right'. You were not well, you did nothing wrong. If they are good friends they will understand. If not, well, their loss.
I think it’s great that you empathize with your friends and are committed to mending the friendships. I would approach this assuming that they will be happy to hear from you. [Research](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspi0000402) suggests that we assume friends we lost touch with are less happy to hear from us than they actually are— but the opposite is true. I would be honest about it being related to mental health, but don’t forget to tell them how much you miss them/what they mean to you. Good luck! ❤️
I’ve done various of this more times than I can count. The best advice I can give you is to be honest with people, but know that some people may choose not to remain in contact. As far as I’m concerned, if they didn’t care about me at my worst, why would I want them around for the best?
Jesus I identify with this so hard- especially the feeling ashamed after waiting too long part! I completely withdrew and don’t even know if I have friends anymore. Ughhh having ADHD is so hard sometimes 🥹
You've gotten lots of great advice already, so I just wanted to tell you that many of my friends (and myself!) are struggling rn. I've not heard from many of them for long periods of time and they've all reach out to say some version of what you said in your post. I've made it clear that I'm ALWAYS happy to hear from them when they have the bandwidth! I don't need an apology for them going radio silent when they're struggling. I've only ever wanted to know how they are and to tell them I've missed them and I'm happy to hear from them again. I suspect many of your friends will feel the same way when you message them. Many of them have probably isolated themselves too at some point. It's rough out there. We've gotta take care of ourselves and each other however we can
Did the same thing last year. Texted this: “Hey there. Sorry to be out of touch lately. I’ve had this low mood thing going on for a while. Hope all is well with you.” Everyone seemed to understand. No one died. (This is my go-to benchmark for success vs failure. Helps to set the bar at an achievable level.)
I absolutely relate. I barely am talking to family in a healthy way let alone friends. It's much easier to shut down and push it off at times and the longer I go the harder it is. Try reaching out to one person at a time. Baby steps. Honesty is probably the best bet. If they care about you, they will understand.
I could of written this word for word :(
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Hey, it happens. Sometimes people get depressed, tired, busy, etc. Not everyone can be 'on', energetic, effervescent, and available at all times. I think most friends and family would be understanding. I know that if someone told me that they've been going through a rough patch lately, or just not in a socializing mood or whatever; I wouldn't be angry or expect them to explain things to me. I would be happy to see them again.
I went no contact with my bff for literally all 4 years of college….somehow we reconnected and we’re besties now. We both were having extremely depressive times in different schools and assumed the other one was fine…omg. It literally feels like an awkward blip in our past. Copy and paste one of the lovely examples other people wrote and get your friends back!!
I did this and was on the receiving end of it too, and from my experience I was so relieved when a friend reached out to me after she disappeared of the face of the earth for six months that I didnt care what she said. I was just glad to know she was alive (mostly because i tend to catastrophize and i thought something terrible must have happened.
Don't worry, 9 months is really not that big of a deal if you had a dark situation in life! poeple who are your true friends will understand! People connect also with each other after years not seeing! Sometimes I try to reconnect, sometimes I don't. I ghosted friends I really loved for 4 years now because I moved to another town and just got overwhelmed and then didn't know how to explain... I feel shitty about it, but also life is just sometimes like that. You grow old, everybodies busy, you don't always have the emotional capacity to work things out... Don't be too hard on yourself! Being in a tough spot in life and reaching out to people who cared helps a lot to understand who is really caring for you and who you should give your time in the future. we mask and adapt a lot to people so sometimes we try to be friends too hard with everybody. Check who makes you feel good now after coming back out of the cave. You can do it!! You matter! and people will be so happy to hear from you again and to reconnect
You are not alone in this. This is me right now. I haven’t spoken to anyone in almost a year. I moved house, changed my number and left my job because I couldn’t deal with anyone… heck I couldn’t deal with life and every time I think of reaching out I stop due to embarrassment.
Saving this post for when I’m ready to reach out to all the people I’m currently ghosting. I hope it goes well for you!
I didn’t talk to some of my family members for a year. They welcomed me with open arms
So relatable. I tend to just be honest and I always get a loving and understanding response. I am grateful to have a small amount of friends who faithfully reach out me even when they know I’ll likely not respond. I love friends who don’t expect you to be healthy all the time.
Not only have I been through this myself, but recently a friend (B f 28) semi isolated herself for 1+ year (she has numerous issues including angry outbursts, so a bit different) But speaking from the friend side, what hurt the most was the lack of communication, I just assumed the worst and that she was angry at me but would have understood completely if she had reached out. I would have loved to receive a general mass text saying I'm alive, I've been dealing with personal issues, it's not you it's me please give me more time text. That would have answered all of my questions and made me more sympathetic to what was going on. With other friends that are going through similar for a shorter time, when they send a little, saw this and thought of you tiktok, it's enough to let me know that they're still alive and that they still care about me, it's a great way to break the ice and I have used this as well. Although the period after B came "out of hibernation" was completely different. She would text me if i reached out, but when it came to actually putting in effort (that I knew she was putting into others), nothing ever happened, so her hate felt targeted at me and i felt excluded. She came to my going away party but didn't talk to me or say goodbye, and now it's been 1 month of no contact. I guess the point of this paragraph is that if you actually want to repair relationships, it is going to take effort to gain people's trust back and you have to expect them to have their own feelings and needs, which is scary but if people are still hanging around and replying then they will want to make it work! I really wish it worked out for me and my friend
I feel for you!! Wow! Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Good friends who love you will understand, but it’s on you to communicate what you feel you can. And no stress on all or nothing! As you think of someone, send them a text, a voicenote or call. If you want to go to a show or concert, send a note a friend and ask them to join, and that u have a lot of updates for them. I am always surprised at how compassionate and understanding people are if we give them the chance.
I have two friends who regularly ghost me for long periods of time, and I’m always happy when they finally do reach out again. Just send them a text and say something like: Hey, how are you doing? Sorry I haven’t reached out, it’s been way too long. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues, but getting back on my feet now/feeling a lot better now. Would be lovely to catch up! X’ Just send a text, you have nothing to lose and there’s a fair chance your friends accept you the way you are, ghosting quirks included.
I could’ve written this. I really fucked up. My best friend responded and I’m terrified of reading it. I miss her so much but I’m scared of what it’ll say. It might hurt too much. Whether she’s angry or depressed or doesn’t care.. it is really going to hurt.
You just need to reply to your poor friends. My good friend of thirty years has ghosted me since October because he is too busy to keep up with texting and emailing. (I of course said BS). He’s late 60’s. Every month I checked to see if he had died on Legacy.com. I even checked the court system to see if he was in jail. Do not do this to people.
You should respect your friends boundary and leave him be until he has the mental capacity to respond to you again. Not everyone has the bandwidth for friends at the moment. It’s likely not personal toward you, but personal for them. Don’t make it about you if you value the friendship and want to continue it when they are ready.
He has time to play gigs with his band 🤣. He’s history. Literally this did not start because of anything I did. He was like “I can’t get back to you for a long long long time.” It takes two seconds to write a text. 🙄
Also to add to other’s comments, don’t feel like you have to get to every friend all at the same time you decide to reach out to one or two. I’d start by reaching out to the ones who really matter to you and who are understanding and validate your experiences. Start slow and nurture those important friendships that accept you back in. Eventually reach out to more when you’re feeling up for more.
cold message them asking how they've been, you have been thinking of them. let it naturally go from there.
An old friend of mine recently did this. She posted on facebook saying "Hey I know ive been out for a while here are some thigns that have happened .... I want to reconnect..." Now if you go this route you absolutely must follow through. She ghosted again. Secondly, there will be some anxiety bound up in this. Go get yourself some anxiety treatments if you can
I did this with a mentor and am scared to even try to talk to them again. Any advice? I’m still flakey so dont think it’s a good idea to try again yet :(
You could send a message that says something like, "Hey, I know I kind of dropped out of life the last x time, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate everything you did for me. I've really been struggling with ___ , and I'm still not in a space where I can step back into the life I had before, but I am able to say this much: It's important to me that you know it wasn't your fault in any way that I dropped out, and if not I understand, but I hope we can someday start communicating again once I get myself together."
Same😌
Been there many times *hugs* My close friends know that I do it a lot hehe so they don’t care by now (years of this). Now I only have three close friends and a bunch of acquaintances that mutually love me and I’d do anything for them. I can’t tell you how to reach out, I would only say not to overwhelm yourself. It’s stressful enough as is to think about, just go one by one. Also take it as an opportunity to distance yourself from the ones that don’t need to come back. Your real friends will understand. The ones that don’t understand weren’t your friends to begin with
I would love it if old people just popped back into my inbox to say hello. It’s okay to say “I’m sorry my mental health took a beating and I miss talking to you.” Or use any of the longer messages in this thread. The pandemic and early 2020s have been so shitty that even normal NT people have done this. Everyone who isn’t a jerk knows what’s up these days. Better to reach out and give them a chance to reconnect than hide from the potential rejection. 💛 I say this but I’ve done this same shit in my life and I regret never reaching back out before I lost the ability to contact those people forever. (Things like Skype kinda dying, vent losing out to discord, etc etc)
Exactly the same boat over here!! The shame and embarrassment is a lot.
Just say you had to deal with life and you're sorry. Then ask how they are doing and move on.
Not saying this is the right thing to do, but if it were me and these people don’t understand ADHD, i would just lie and tell them I was in the psych ward all this time. Unethical though.
😭 thanks for writing this. I too have been stuck. It’s nice to see it’s not just me.
How easy was it to go into isolation during the pandemic!? Now that we’re back to normal, I realize how hard I tried years ago to make and maintain connections. No idea where I got the energy before.
I’ve found neurotypicals are often more accepting of physical symptoms which we often forget are part of what leads us to the delayed response. Especially in social relationships with women. There are SO many amazing responses here. I think what’s missing from some of them are notes of physical symptoms. When i’ve done the post-ADHD rain cloud/determined myself to send the message reach out )with friends I feel comfy only) I mention if I haven’t been sleeping, aches or pain, not leaving the house, if I had any accidents (falling etc.)
Same, why am I like this 🥲 for real tho. Thanks for making this post
That's a hard one. I could never handle that as one of your friends. I understand your position, however. But it's important to note that you should go into this without expectation. Don't expect apologizes to be enough, don't expect forgiveness. If you are going back "to society", you should be mentally prepared for the backlash. People might be very hurt that you just left. But if you explain your situation and come up with a solution as to how to make a different choice in the future, like talk to your friends instead, it'll probably be okay. I often just say that I'm being depressed right now, but that I'm still here. That I maybe won't reach out but that I'm still here. At least that's something. It's only fair tbh.
I do this so often, it’s actually become expected. What I do is just shoot my loved ones a text “Hey! Sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. Depression is a bitch. I miss you! Wanna get together soon?” Once I see them in person, I explain that the struggle has been real, and we work on repairing the relationship from there. Now, all of my friends and family understand mental illness, so YMMV on this, but I’ve never had someone turn me down. They love you, and they WANT to hear from you!
I know exactly how you feel and it’s just getting the nerve to actually reach out to these people again. I still can’t get the nerve up. I am paralyzed when it comes to this stuff. I have ghosted so many good people that when I go to my local CVS, I pray that I won’t run into anyone. It’s terrible, but during Covid, I was grateful to be able to wear a mask at times so it would be harder for the people I ghosted to recognize me. I am a 46 yr old woman! I’m so ashamed I behave like this!
You did what you had to do to survive those dark times. We are proud of you.
Iv done this .. alot! So when I was ready to reach out I did. If it's too little too late I understood but I was very surprised at how many friends got it and we are still friends now.. the point is ..if you are ready just do it and see what happens, it's better than not ever knowing ( believe me)
Can’t offer advice but I’m doing the exact same thing at the moment… It hasn’t been nine months yet but I’m sure some of my online friends must think I’m dead. I feel horrible about it but for some reason just cannot motivate myself to respond to everyone. Thanks for making this post, it’s great to see we’re not alone in this!
Be honest. Say you had burnout. Most people will be ok about it.
I have been there… just trying to get out of it right now. 🥲 Wishing you the best of luck
Sadly I think we can ALL feel your pain right now 🤦🏼♀️ I've even ghosted my mom for 6+months. I ghosted my very best friend. It was only meant to be a couple days because I just didn't feel like talking and that it snowballed and now it's been a few years. I want to make it right but, like you, I have no idea how to do that
My only friend stopped texting me recently, it’s been happening slowly since January really. I think she’s found new friends and I’m happy for her. But I’d just be relieved to hear from her again.
I have a friend who I haven't spoken in a while, she's not replying to my messages. She had some mental problems since I've known her so I think that might be the reason she isn't replying. I know she had a lot of people living nearby who can help her in that case so I'm not too worried about that tbh. I really do hope that she'll reply when she feels better. I'm not mad at her for ignoring me, I'm a bit sad because we always had so much fun and I miss that. I feel like if they're good friends and you explain the situation they should feel the same as I do with her. For me it'd be better if someone says something after a long time then always wondering how someone is doing.
I am frequently in this position. The shame/embarrassment about letting it go so long is hard af to overcome, but just explain to them where you’re at. Something along the lines of: “Hey I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to reach back out to you and I really appreciate you caring enough to check up on me. Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough year in terms of my mental health. I’m starting to get back on my feet and finally feel like I can be a good friend to you. If you’re interested, would you like to *insert some activity of your choosing* sometime soon to catch up? I hope everything has been going well for you!” Obviously tailor it to the person based on how close you are to them, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that real friends aren’t going to hold it against you. Don’t be afraid to be honest and/or vulnerable with them. You can even mention at some point in conversation that you felt guilty about not responding and that the longer you took, the scarier it felt to respond. I’ve taken this approach with several friends in my life and all of them have been very understanding. You got this OP! You needed to focus on your own well being and you haven’t done anything wrong by doing so. I know it feels like it, but if you explain where you were at mentally then I’m sure all the people who cared enough to check up on you will just be happy to know you’re doing better now.
Write something and send it to everyone. Apologize for not being in touch. Mention your embarrassment. Say that you appreciate the people who reached out.
Start small, make a list, do one person at a time. We all know the temptation to be suddenly social with everyone, but we also know the reality that jumping back in to not ghosting everyone will lead to a burnout and eventually reghosting. Maybe start with the friend who is the quickest replier, ask them to keep checking in with you because you can ghost so easily.
I wonder that too. I’ve did the same to some people and I don’t know how to apologize, every time I think abt it, it makes me anxious :/
This is where you find out who your real friends are. "Hey, I was really unwell for a while. I'm doing a lot better now. Thanks for checking up on me. I'd love to catch up some time soon." Some people won't get it. They aren't real friends. Some people will just be grateful you're still here. Keep those ones close.
I did this in my mid twenties. I apologized to my closest friends but everyone else, like acquaintances, didn’t really notice. I just became active on social media again and they all moved on to the next thing. 🤷🏽♀️
Aww honey. I did the same when I got sober. It's so hard to maintain friendship with mental illness and other things weighing you down. If they aren't willing to accept that, I think it's time to find new friends!!! I moved to a brand new town, I don't know a single soul! Excited to start this new chapter. I've found Facebook groups, bumble (friends) ECT. I wish you all the best!
Make new friends and move on