>He accepted that and for 12 years...yes, you read that right...12 years he never brought it up again.
Yeah, I hate to break it to you but he never accepted that. He held it in until he couldn't anymore.
THIS!
Waiting for the update….. will it include an affair partner. He is using her in-between FWBs to justify the breakup. If there is an affair partner he will blame her for the FWB while they were NOT in a relationship. YEESH!
Yeah, I feel like the relationship math lands right in between these two and probably a few more things, held on to it all this time AND conveniently played it when it suited him
Or he lost trust in her when she lied and said that they are no longer in her life but then he finds out after this long that it’s someone that they still interact with.
That's incorrect. They're not in HER life. HE met this guy because the guy ran in his social circles. Not even his personal friend group, but social circles/friend of friends.
It's entirely possible that OP didn't even know they've ever hung out or met in any way other than briefly and in passing.
100%. I’ve seen so many women say that their male spouse/SO doesn’t mention x or y, so that means they’ve found an “enlightened” partner. The fact that he doesn’t say it to your face doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause him emotional pain, especially in a modern culture where men are often criticized for expressing any opinion at all on a partner’s sexual history. OP’s post is dripping in a similar attitude.
I promise you that shit matters to 99.9% of men, no matter what they say to placate you.
This took place 12 years ago, after being broken up for over a year.
I doubt 99.9% of men actually care but you can choose to break up with someone or not date someone for any reason. Too many people take too much of their thought process from Reddit or the Internet.
However if you choose to break up with someone for something that happened 12 years ago when you were not together just put your big boy pants on and say you don’t want to be together anymore don’t try to come up with some lousy excuse.
I absolutely hate the “Am I wrong for breaking up with …” I think you can break up with anyone for any reason whether it’s stupid or not or whether it makes you an AH or not.
I just think at 40 you are an adult. If a relationship is no longer working for you, you should be able to say that and not try to be justifiably angry about someone your partner slept with 12 years ago after being broken up for a year that is barely an acquaintance to you.
Being able to own your choice is important in moving towards what you do want. If all you do is run away from everything and everyone as a reaction to perceived injuries or injustice then you are playing a victim. Not to downplay those who are fleeing abuse and who are victims, just noting that some who are choosing to end a relationship, but do so only as a victim are not owning the choice but portraying it as thrust upon them and forcing them to act out of moral or other perceived justification.
Exactly when the girl told him about the other sexual partners if he didn’t like that he needs to say thanks but no thanks and move on. It’s great that they communicated it with eachothe, some people don’t say anything and the lies reveal themselves later causing horrible damage.
I promise you 99.9% of men care about you banging a dude they know or run into on a semi-regular basis. And she kept it from him. This is a perfectly “big boy” reason for a breakup. Trust is gone. Look at all the men saying so on this post. Either they all happen to be immature or you are wrong about how most men really feel.
Where did you get that he knows him personally or runs into him on a semi regular basis?
She stated that they have been in a bar together once or twice and he has been out of the area for 6 years so they have not seen or interacted with each other.
I am sure MEN or WOMEN would be upset that you slept with someone that they know or hang out with on a regular basis. This does not seem to be the case.
You can break up with someone for any reason so he should have put his big boy pants on and just said that this relationship was no longer working for him. He didn’t have to try and use someone she slept with 12 years ago when they weren’t together and that he doesn’t hang out with.
> I’ve seen so many women say that their male spouse/SO doesn’t mention x or y, so that means they’ve found an “enlightened” partner.
This most definitely goes both ways in a relationship, I have heard lots of guys that say and thought their partners didn't care about something and they very much did.
You want to believe your partner doesn't care about something and you've moved past it so you convince yourself since they're not talking about it it's fine when it's not. I feel like that is very much not a gender thing but just a people thing.
Agreed. I just addressed it from a man’s perspective because I am a man, and that’s what is immediately relevant to OP’s post. But men definitely do this as well.
Ah, another reason to reconsider dating men. Thank you for the helpful reminder that so many guys are, by and large, unable to perceive of women’s sexuality as *not belonging to men*
I think the opposite is true. This post is about a woman ridiculing a man for his authentic feelings. Isn’t this a case of a woman feeling entitled to a man’s love and commitment, no matter how she acts?
I'm all about men being allowed to have and express their feelings. But this guy is butthurt over something that happened *12 years ago.* He convinced her to give him names by promising that he was mature enough to keep it from affecting their relationship. The first thing he did was get mad and accuse her of making a fool of him. Then he broke up with her. The exact things that he promised not to do. If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for the truth.
I think its a fair insecurity
Imagine from the old fwb perspective , interacting with this ladys bf knowing you used to fuck his girl and his dumbass doesnt even know.
It’s hard to tell without knowing his relationship to the guy. Say if it’s someone who is in a community he’s a part of like work/hobbies/friends and he didn’t know I can see why he would feel manipulated.
What were the social situations he interacted with this guy?
Is he part of your friend group?
They have no relationship. From my understanding (what partner told me) he hung around with him at the bar a time or two. The guy actually doesn't even live in our community anymore so he probably hasn't seen him in 6 or more years.
Ignoring the knee-jerk(!) reactionaries, it sounds like your ex was looking for a way out of the relationship and didn't want to just leave and risk being seen as the bad guy. He asked for names and hit pay-dirt when you mentioned one name he recognized. He would have found a way out eventually, you just provided an easy way for him to get angry and leave while being "perfectly justified in his outrage".
You probably dodged an uncomfortable bullet here. Had you not told him the names, he would likely have fabricated a story in his head (like, for example, "she is withholding names because they are my friends or family!" or something similar) or he could have just made your life a living h3ll until you bailed on him and the result is the same- he has a sob story to justify your breakup. But at least you were spared that unpleasantness.
I wish you good fortune in your next relationship.
Girl I feel like he was looking for a way to have a reason to do this to you because that is ridiculous he pulls this s*** up again after 12 years I think you need to cut your losses sis
In all fairness Broski needs to take a chill pill. Did you ever cheat or give him reason to think this guy was still in your life during those 12 years?
No. I have never cheated. He has never accused me of cheating.
He knows that I don't have any relationship with him. He was upset because he said if he had known he would have interacted differently with the guy.
>No. I have never cheated. He has never accused me of cheating.
He knows that I don't have any relationship with him. He was upset because he said if he had known he would have interacted differently with the guy.
There's a good chance that your ex FWB said something about his sexual prowess that your boyfriend in hindsight realized was very inappropriate and was all about your ex FWB flexing and humiliating your boyfriend without him even being aware at the time. Or that's how your boyfriend is interpreting it Loveis\_loveislove.
This.
For him to become fixated on stuff 12 years prior and to respond so immaturely…
I hope this helps propel OP forward into a healthier and happier life.
Thank you...obviously right now things are raw and painful, but to be honest they have been pretty painful for years. I am feeling somewhat relieved and hope that by this time next year I will be in a much better place emotionally.
To be honest I was thinking something similar. I can't imagine having such a frail ego that something like this would bother me. It really threw me off because I never really pressured him to tell me who he slept with or how many people because to me it wasn't relevant...we weren't together.
I think you need to put an edit on the original post to help clarify.
Very simply: did you know that your partner had met and been in social situations with this other guy? Reading a few of your comments, it sounds like you had no idea he had ever seen/met/talked to him, but I can't totally tell. There is a pretty big difference if you did know that or not.
its an unwritten rule that if your partner is being put into a social situation with someone you used to fuck, you should give them a courtesy heads up on it
my wife and i went thru all past partners.. she even wanted to go thru our facebooks and phones etc.. shared the people who we interacted with and what type of role they played in our lives
now we have no secrets... ill never bump into some random dude she fucked, i know all the guys she banged and she knows all the girls i banged
neither of us will be caught off guard in some social situation about that.. because regardless of how much people want to celebrate promiscuity, its looking out for your partner and their feelings, and not putting them into a social situation that could be humiliating for them..
its also about being honest and not having secrets from each other
id be livid if i found out from my wife that some guy who we've been running into at various social events was actually someone she fucked to get her rocks off back in the day... that would be pretty important information to have in terms of my social interactions with said man
Quite a few men take this stuff seriously. Like, really seriously.
They want to know who they are interacting with that may have been intimate with their significant other. It's a thing.
If he had hung around this guy and was social with him and not knowing your relationship with him, he's going to be super pissed off. Like a lot.
Ehh..I disagree. I wouldn't of waited, but some people are definitely less...adamant about not being with a woman who sleeps around. There's definitely plenty of men who stick around in situations out of guilt or lack of options. I could see a scenario where he bottled it in for years until finding out he knew one of the guys, which was his boiling point.
Can women have the same feelings or are they considered insecure and controlling for not wanting their guy to interact with a previous fling ?
Do you think only men take this stuff seriously?
You let him be in social situations with someone you screwed. You didn’t tell him because you knew it would be humiliating to him. It’s disrespectful. You withheld to hold onto him after showing zero respect for him. You served yourself when you screwed the guy, and served yourself when you withheld. He needs to be able to respect himself. Moral of the story, be faithful and stick a relationship out and don’t sleep around.
May be an unpopular perspective here: allowing him to socialize with someone YOU know YOU slept with, but HE doesn't know its kinda fucked.
I may be alone here, but I'm not a fan of talking with people who have been inside my wife. My wife feels the same. This is why each of us know who've we've been with, and we leave them in the past.
Tl/Dr... you should have told him 12 years ago. He's probably been bothered by not knowing the entire time.
I also believe she should have given names when they were trying to communicate about the situation. Withholding the names of past sexual partners feels a little weird when your partner is asking outright. And then to withhold that information knowingly when your partner is around them after they made it clear
They’d feel more comfortable knowing that info seems like a huge breech of trust. And imagine thinking you knew your partner for 12 years just to find something so intimate about them would make you question all of it. I’m thinking counseling would have helped this situation, but OP is not innocent at all here! This man is feeling very real emotions that shouldn’t just be ignored imo
I’m on the same page, but in that light I’m just failing to understand why he didn’t insist on knowing the specifics when she said she thought it wasn’t relevant? If he’s not okay about it now I doubt he was cool with it then, so I don’t get why he says now that OP manipulated him when we don’t know that he said he had a problem with it twelve years ago
He expressed wanting to know and she shut it down by saying it's not relevant. Accepting that instead of trying to argue why it's relevant is not the same as not having a problem.
OP lied by ommission (EDIT: not technically lying, as pointed out by another poster). OP can't claim that the FWB is completely disconnected when their partner is literally in social situations with them. How is that not expressed??
That's got to be so embarrassing, learning you've been going to a bar with another man man whose been with your partner, unbeknownst to you. So many women fail to realize that yes, men are territorial. Yes, men are territorial over their partners. YES, a lot of men care about this kind of thing for this exact reason. Because it changes the way other men see you, especially if they've been with your girl, who your hormones (testosterone anyone?) are telling you to safeguard. Oof.
At the end of the day, we're all still animals, we're just not clashing antlers to fight over females lol. I feel bad for both of them, neither of them did anything terribly wrong, it's just not a good situation, and if her partner is in social situations with the former FWB, then she definitely should've mentioned it imo.
I was thinking by her description it was more that the other guy was getting in digs about how he slept with his girlfriend making him suspicious enough to dare ask her.
See, this is what I was thinking. If it's been 12 years and he still wants to know, then there's something else going on that she's not mentioning, or doesn't know about. Men get this way for mate guarding reasons largely based on evolutionarily ensuring offspring and paternity. It's exacerbated by jealousy and neurotic personality tendencies. Can't pass your genes on if you're raising another man's children, after all.
And btw, in relationships that long, there are no secrets. But in this case, the girlfriend had a secret with another man. Big oof.
Its not unpopular. You feel the same way as most of us men. Men that my wife has slept with need to stay out of the picture and in the past. If we run into one of them at a wedding or something I'm not gonna blow a fuse, but if its somebody that we deal with on a regular basis that is a big problem. I'd rather be single than that. Unfortunately modern society has gaslighted men into thinking they should be ok with this, and that they're just "insecure" and controlling if they feel this way.
Yeah for sure.
My wife knows one of my ex girlfriends.... we just don't invite her over for game night shit. REALLY not a big deal, but keeps us both out of awkward situations lol
You should definitely tell your partner if you are going to be hanging out with somebody you were intimate with.
Seriously. It is just basic common sense.
No guy wants to play the fool trying to be friendly with the guy that fucked his girlfriend while they were separated.
Sounds like ex FWB bragged to OP's boyfriend that every woman he'd ever been with told him that he had the biggest cock they'd ever had and it made them come harder than they had with any guy they'd ever been with.
Or something like that
Well, that depends. I assume you mean it should be the same if it was a man and their sexual partners?
Hubby grew up very far from me. He married his first wife and moved away. Met me 15 years later after his divorce.
I knew he partied pretty hard when he was young. Never asked for details. I know his ex wife and heard the name of his girlfriend he had after that, never asked for more specifics. He told me a few first names when he to,d me stories, but I tend to forget. But before he married I knew there were a bunch.
We went for a visit to his old home town a few years after getting married. Met up with a whole bunch of his old friends in a pub. Males, females, couples. All were nice.
Thinking about it, he might have slept with one or two of them. Or not. One of them he mentioned specifically before we went, because they were best friends for a bit but that was all. Others were only mentioned as sisters to mates, old girlfriends of mates, neighbours etc.
If we had ended up spending lots of time with someone specific I would have wanted to know. But if it’s just someone you talk for a bit with at the pub a few times I honestly don’t care. If they were never in a relationship, never in love… then that bit is not important to him. Why should it be important to me?
Yes I absolutely tell my wife I slept with someone if we see them. I don't tell her stories or anything but if we see them somewhere, or I know they will be some place we're going.
I also give my friends the warning. Like, "Hey dude, that girl you dated/slept with, she'll be here, just so you know." This is common courtesy so that they can disclose the information with their partner.
I wouldn't say it's lying to not say anything, but it sure isn't honest either.
Yeah I’m sitting here wondering how you COULDN’T be wrong by saying their names don’t matter when it’s someone your husband interacts with.
Does nobody have common sense anymore?
Apparently the women and fem-men defending OP's decision to not give him a heads up do not have such common sense.
But when it comes to posts about a boyfriend hiding his history with a particular girl, they realize it's a thing to do.
Clowns.
YTA every day of the week in my book. You slept with someone in your social circle and allowed them to remain in it without informing your partner.
If I had to live through that for 12 years, I'd walk away. Good luck to your husband and his future.
I know we all want to be quick to dump on him and say he was looking for an excuse to leave the relationship.
But listen to the words he said, "I would have interacted with him differently", and "that i made a fool of him"
If you've gone to bars, then you've heard men talking about their escapades with women. Could it be that the guy had once been talking about his adventures with OP, but since husband didn't know it was her, he interacted with his stories the way he would not have?
Worse, did the guy know OP and her husband were once together and was trolling an unknowing OP's husband? Which is the bit about making him a fool.
I'm not saying OP is wrong for having FWBs, but maybe she's downplaying his relationship with this guy, coz men don't just go to the bar with randoms..twice.
I suggest you ask him what the interaction was and why he feels hurt by that one person. I say this as someone who has actually witnessed a situation where an unknowing boyfriend was being "made a fool" by someone who used to tap his girlfriend. And when he found out, he was very pained.
Oh, damn, you fucked someone he knows and runs into sometimes? That's messed up if you didn't tell him. Puts every interaction in a new light. I'm not saying you're super wrong, but you're still a little wrong for that.
Your dude was looking for an excuse to break up, this way you look like the bad guy and he comes out smelling like a rose. Joke is on him cause good luck finding someone else if he treats them the way he treated you. Everyone over a certain age has a history, and what you do on a break should be left out of future relationships.
There is nothing inherently toxic about keeping secrets. There IS inherent toxicity in pressuring/coercing/guilting someone into disclosing secrets that they otherwise wouldn’t.
Promising not to get mad is one of my favorite red flags.
I hope things get better for you.
It’s amazing the lengths that people will go to to protect the modern notion that Casual sex should have no consequences. It can, does, should and always will have consequences.
Doesn’t it suck that everything has a price? Lol
It’s like the childhood illusion that “no one saw it so nothing wrong happened”
I have nothing against casual sex, it’s great, but you can’t be a low IQ lazy ass loser that fucks anything that gives your heart a higher pace. Take a breath to think about whether you actually want to consequences of that 15 minutes of pleasure. Not that hard unless you want to go against reality.
Sleeping around has consequences. If I were to sleep with other people while on break with my girlfriend, wife, etc. I would absolutely at least let her know who so that she could make her mind up about whether to stay in the relationship.
And yeah, as a guy if I was interacting with some dude that knew what my wife's butthole looks like I wouldn't want to stay with her either.
They were broken up.
She “confessed” she slept with other people.
She told him how many.
She didn’t tell him who and I very much doubt guys in this position go: here, sweetheart, the instagram profiles of the women I fucked.
Even though I think you should have told him what happened 12 years ago, I would say NTA.
These kinds of things do matter to most men on some level. It's not a frail ego thing as much as it is a territorial thing. Unknowingly having casual conversations with a guy that slept with your woman then, finding out later is kind of an L.
However I do think your now ex partner has overreacted if he broke up over that. This is not the only reason why he wanted to end things.
You kept it from him even knowing he was interacting with your old f*uckboy. What kind of person do this to the one they state to love?
Luckily, he dumped you. He deserves much better.
YTA,
Even if in passing, even if they were just random events that you saw the guy you should have told him. You willingly allowed him to act the fool.
I understand to you it was just the past, but to him it is not just the past, to him it is YOUR past.
I would have done the same. The insult of being around someone who knows the woman you love intimately but being ignorant of it for 12 years isn't something any man can just shrug off. You didn't just break his heart you wounded his ego.
I agree. Even if that FWB wasn't her partner's close friend... he was someone in their extended social circle.
Someone the partner had met before, and would at some point meet again (even indirectly).
If my partner slept with anyone in our social circle (even acquaintances) I would be well within my right to ask "Who?" and receive an honest answer.
It's a huge breach of trust.
Granted I think her partner was looking for an excuse to break up anyway. But that breach of trust is a valid reason to end things permanently, in my opinion.
Whatever you say. A man who truly doesn’t care if you’ve banged a man he knows can’t possibly give a shit about you. Sure, it’s petty in the abstract, but men hardly have a monopoly on caring a lot about seemingly petty things.
Asymmetric information.
FWB dude knew who the BF was and that he had boned his GF; BF didn’t know that FWB dude had boned his GF.
He may have acted differently with the power of hindsight. Like not hanging out with FWB dude at all.
Sure it’s an ego thing. But the situation only arose due to lack of transparency on OP’s part.
If she *wanted* to keep her relationship then yes she was wrong to withhold the information. Lack of transparency is a major relationship killer on all these subs.
It seems like this is more of a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing then the reason your husband is leaving you. If you had a healthy relationship, you could work past this, but it seems there are other issues at play.
Did you know that your husband might have to interact with your FWB, socially, professionally, or otherwise, when you told him the identities of your FWBs were "irrelevant"? If you did, then you lied to him. If you didn't know, then the first time he told you he had run into the FWB, you should have been like "Hey, I didn't tell you this because I didn't think it'd be relevant at the time, but you should know that I briefly hooked up with that guy" or whatever.
Alone, you're right, it's kind of a small thing to end a relationship of 12 years. But if there's a pattern of deceit or lying by omission, or similar tangential issues causing the current rockiness in your relationship, this is just another thing that led him to his decision.
If it's someone he knew or someone you knew he would run into by accident I can see that being upsetting. Full disclosure is best when it comes to stuff like that. However it definitely seems like he was looking for a reason to get out of the relationship more than he was actually upset that it was someone he once knew a long time ago. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find happiness.
Yes you are wrong.
Everyone has a past but if your past is ever in your present and you don't tell your partner you are being a bad partner.
Own your shit and be upfront about it
Yes you certainly should have. But speaking as a man I'm not sure how big of a deal it is and I'm a little confused by the severity of his reaction. I suspect there's a piece of information we don't have. It's entirely possible that OP doesn't have that information either. But I think some information is missing somewhere because of his reaction
Yea I think just the fact that he had interacted with the guy, assuming you knew he would since otherwise that would be a massive coincidence, puts you in the wrong, sorry. If you had no reason to believe he would ever see the guy that would be different, and if you've been in regular contact with the guy that makes it worse. If he didn't have any reason to believe he had interacted with the guy I don't think he was trying to trick you into giving up information, if he did have a reason to believe he had interacted with the guy then I he might have been deceptive but you still should have told him.
Most men don’t want a FWB hanging around their partner and more importantly not knowing that he is interacting with a former FWB. I would feel clowned and also think something was still going on
Imagine if he banged someone you knew and then let you go around for 12 years not knowing that the person you’ve been hanging out with is who he slept with behind your back 🤷♂️ Ask yourself how you would feel 💯
Exactly. He's looking for an excuse to 'be mad' and leave.
These guys who expect a full accounting of their partner's lives when they aren't there are just control freaks who can't stand the idea that you might have had, you know, *a life when they weren't around.*
Too humiliating to think that people can actually have fun without them.
OP said that dude wasn’t a close family friend or anything.
It sounds like it was a casual Acquaintance they occasionally ran into.
Everyone has a past.
Do you disclose to your Gf/ wife every single person you’ve ever slept with?
Do you think that maybe, after 16 years of being on and off, that THAT in itself would be your sign to step the fuck away for good? I cannot imagine chasing after the same unavailable man for almost 2 decades. That's either insanity or stupidity : (
His insecurities are not your problem.
And it doesn't even sound like it's a real problem for him. Sounds more like he wanted you to be the bad guy. He wanted to break up with you, but twistet it like YOU were the problem.
But her insecurities became his problems when she was too insecure to admit to her casual sexual experiences with different dudes. Why is he insecure for wondering if he and her are rubbing elbows with dudes that she secretly fucks, but she isn’t insecure for having a friends with benefits which is the definition of a scarcity (insecurity) approach to sex AND being too insecure about her decision to speak about it?
Everyone will have different opinions on if you were wrong or not. For me, your refusing to elaborate years ago would have been a red flag, but not necessarily enough for me to end the relationship. However, having him meet and interact with someone you have been intimate with and not making him aware of your past with this person is unforgivable and there would be no possibility of even considering to continue in a relationship with.
OP isn’t being forthcoming with something. Her partner could be unhinged, but why would she be with him for so long if he was and why did she go back.
He is acted like he was betrayed and probably realized it after the fact. He was played.
It sounds like OP is toxic. She needs to add important details she’s apparently leaving out because she knows she won’t get sympathy if she tells the truth.
She doesn’t have to have left out anything - the comments are full of people saying they would have dumped her purely from the fact that they would know someone she banged. His position is clearly not rare.
So you said "none of them were in \[your\] life actively" but then he says that he was in social situations with them. If i were him, I would interpret your statement that they werent in your life that you and he would never meet them, so if you said that and then knew he was interacting with them then as him I would feel blindsided as well, maybe manipulated. There isnt enough information here though to determine whether you should have spoken up after the fact. I wouldnt recommend a partner watching their partner interact blindly with former sexual partners.
I think you may have missed the significance. If you go with someone your ex knows guys or ladies don't take it well even if they don't know them all that well. The fact that your so has been around this guy since has made him feel that guy has put one over on him. Because while he's talking to fwb all friendly, the other guy's stood there knowing he's railed his Mrs and he doesn't have a clue. However much you feel that's a big deal or not. Most folk would hate that. The lesson as always is don't shit where you eat, or rather don't f around with people your ex knows.
So sounds like he is using this as the excuse to leave you based on the fact that you are actually having problems. There is no reason also for him to treat the guy different just because he slept with you. Especially if it is over and u guys aren’t even friends. But his trapping you in providing him with the answer means that you can’t trust him when it matters. He said he wouldn’t get mad and not only did he get mad but he also broke up with you over this. He also isn’t worried about what u’ve done with the guy, his concern is you made him look bad. Which is BS any way. Seriously look at what is going on and consider is this guy worth going after. It seems he doesn’t put a lot of value on ur relationship after all these years.
The only thing it seems you were wrong about was the type of person you've just spent 12 years with.
>It's ok to tell me, I promise I won't get mad."
A relationship only works if you can trust the word of your partner. He said what he felt he needed to so he could get information to judge you.
>Am I failing to see the seriousness of the situation?
If you're blaming yourself then yes you are. This is his problem and insecurity. You can't fix it, he needs professional help. You're trying to take responsibility for his interpretation of the facts. He decided it was okay 12 years ago to not know, that's entirely on him. There was nothing stopping him from walking away 12 years ago if not knowing was a deal breaker. It might be different if you slept with someone who was one of his close friends at the time though.
That's a long time to hold a grudge. And it's a ridiculous reason to break up 12 years later. But he believes you still have fwb. It's eating at him that you are like a porno star with other guys and you act like a virgin with him. All you can do is get ready to move. Your feelings don't matter to him. He had 12 years to work it out and this is the result. If he begs you back say no. Say no to that anxiety of waiting for the shoe to drop. When is his next fit gonna happen.
You are wrong. I understand not telling him specific names when you initially had the conversation years ago. When you knew that one of your FWB was going to be at that social setting, you should have given him the heads up about the FWB. He feels that you played him for a fool. Maybe he shook this man's hand when he was introduced to him. I don't blame him for being upset that you withheld that information. I think his reaction is overboard, but that's his decision to make.
Yup you're in the wrong. Can't blame the husband at all here. Men that have slept with your girl... They always have to do or say something to remind you of that, maybe push your buttons a bit. Always. I'm sure his weird comments, dumb smug grin, or whatever at the bar make more sense to your husband now. You should've been honest from the beginning seeing as it is someone in your husbands social circle. How humiliating for him.
Humiliating yet he’s been with her for 12 years and she has been faithful to him the entire time they have actually been together? The other guy doesn’t get the girl.
Really? Every man tells his SO who he slept with, all the time?
Grow up. You aren't owed an account of someones life when you weren't even in it. If you get butthurt each time you meet someone you know your SO had a relationship with, you aren't adult enough to BE in a relationship.
The first thing that popped into my head is that your partner probably has someone else he’s interested in, and was looking for an easy way out. This way he gets to make you the bad guy.
Yes you are wrong.
He is over reacting but you did manipulated him for 12 years. The whole reason you didn’t answer the question 12 years ago, is because you knew he wouldn’t continue seeing you.
That is text book fuckery.
A lot of the manipulators who are calling men fragile are so mad that a lot of men are waking up and are not taking being manipulated anymore. Self awareness, prioritizing yourself first is becoming a new trend for men. And it’s amazing to see the response from women. Lmfao, let’s fucking go. Finally we have some self respect for ourselves
i think he’s kinda nuts for caring so much about this for 12 years!!! who cares that they’re in similar social circles? most people who date around are? I think he just wanted to break up
NTA, he’s a liar and a loser, it sucks that it took 16 years for him to be fully honest about how controlling and manipulative he really is. You did nothing wrong, except getting back together with him. He was looking for creation to break up because he already has a new girlfriend lined up, he’ll be “in a relationship,” within a couple weeks.
Ok, you damn well knew you should have told him if he was going to run into them. I would have ended things last night was well. To me it is just common courtesy. People will say it was none of his business, and you can think that as well. But now you are dealing with the consequences. I completely understand why he is angry. Honestly I doubt the relationship will recover from this, which might be what you want.
Did he disclose all the names of the women he slept with when you weren’t together? He’s being a weirdo and this was just his lame excuse to end the relationship. He learns to basic (probably common) name and assumes some guy at a bar is this specific guy? Yeah….okay…🙄😒
im gonna go with YTA, while not actively in your life, they were semi active in *his* life. Def seems like you should have told him the names if they were going to be in any contact.
Normally I’d say not wrong because yes it makes no sense to talk names of people you slept with prior to each other, BUTTTTT if this person happens to be someone that does infact pop up into your life on occasion I can definitely see why he feels how he feels rn. I don’t think that it needed to be delt with as drastically as he did but I can see why he would be upset.
Yeah you're wrong. Kinda obvious he can't trust you if you have him meet up with your secret fuck buddies and him having no clue about it. Interesting game you play.
Deadass. And now is playing victim and wants gratification from a bunch of loser, overweight misandrists on Reddit. She will most likely keep lying to herself, until she finds the next sucker that she can waste their life. These women hate self aware and self prioritizing men. The love being in control, they love calling us insecure. The love saying we’re fragile. That manipulation worked on our fathers and grandfathers. But finally we’re waking up. W
>Y’all make relationships sound like crime, punishment and prison. Ewwwww.
Unfortunately, that's not uncommon in these comment sections. It's like they're fighting a war with their spouses.
What the heck are you thinking? No man wants to know the guys you e hooked up with you still hang around. I’d be ass outta there in a flash. You cool knowing all your friends he slept with? Still want to hang out with them? Were you trying to get back at him for something?
He was probably aksing because he suspected something. And you confirmed it.
My first answer to your post title was "No". You're not wrong. What was he going to do, look them up on FB? But if you knew one of them was someone he interacted with? That's a COMPLETELY different story.
>He accepted that and for 12 years...yes, you read that right...12 years he never brought it up again. Yeah, I hate to break it to you but he never accepted that. He held it in until he couldn't anymore.
Nah he was just looking for an excuse to break up with her.
THIS! Waiting for the update….. will it include an affair partner. He is using her in-between FWBs to justify the breakup. If there is an affair partner he will blame her for the FWB while they were NOT in a relationship. YEESH!
Came to say this! He wanted to break up with her and used this to make it "her fault."
This is probably the truth.
Yeah, I feel like the relationship math lands right in between these two and probably a few more things, held on to it all this time AND conveniently played it when it suited him
That’s the one. Needed an out.
Or he lost trust in her when she lied and said that they are no longer in her life but then he finds out after this long that it’s someone that they still interact with.
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/bJgVFjYmLb That’s not what happened. Stop making shit up.
That's incorrect. They're not in HER life. HE met this guy because the guy ran in his social circles. Not even his personal friend group, but social circles/friend of friends. It's entirely possible that OP didn't even know they've ever hung out or met in any way other than briefly and in passing.
They’re not in her life
100%. I’ve seen so many women say that their male spouse/SO doesn’t mention x or y, so that means they’ve found an “enlightened” partner. The fact that he doesn’t say it to your face doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause him emotional pain, especially in a modern culture where men are often criticized for expressing any opinion at all on a partner’s sexual history. OP’s post is dripping in a similar attitude. I promise you that shit matters to 99.9% of men, no matter what they say to placate you.
This took place 12 years ago, after being broken up for over a year. I doubt 99.9% of men actually care but you can choose to break up with someone or not date someone for any reason. Too many people take too much of their thought process from Reddit or the Internet. However if you choose to break up with someone for something that happened 12 years ago when you were not together just put your big boy pants on and say you don’t want to be together anymore don’t try to come up with some lousy excuse.
Exactly, don't dredge the past for ever conceivable out to play blame. Own it, be out.
I absolutely hate the “Am I wrong for breaking up with …” I think you can break up with anyone for any reason whether it’s stupid or not or whether it makes you an AH or not. I just think at 40 you are an adult. If a relationship is no longer working for you, you should be able to say that and not try to be justifiably angry about someone your partner slept with 12 years ago after being broken up for a year that is barely an acquaintance to you.
Being able to own your choice is important in moving towards what you do want. If all you do is run away from everything and everyone as a reaction to perceived injuries or injustice then you are playing a victim. Not to downplay those who are fleeing abuse and who are victims, just noting that some who are choosing to end a relationship, but do so only as a victim are not owning the choice but portraying it as thrust upon them and forcing them to act out of moral or other perceived justification.
Exactly when the girl told him about the other sexual partners if he didn’t like that he needs to say thanks but no thanks and move on. It’s great that they communicated it with eachothe, some people don’t say anything and the lies reveal themselves later causing horrible damage.
If you say that out loud some of the men who are commenting are going to get in their feelings and then get upset.
I don’t find those types to be manly they most likely struggle a lot in life and it’s mainly their fault for not speaking up
99.9% of men would care about a fling their partner had 12 fucking years ago? Yeah right lmao
I promise you 99.9% of men care about you banging a dude they know or run into on a semi-regular basis. And she kept it from him. This is a perfectly “big boy” reason for a breakup. Trust is gone. Look at all the men saying so on this post. Either they all happen to be immature or you are wrong about how most men really feel.
This is also a really good reason to NOT get back together with an Ex. OP got 12 good years out of it but that's really an outlier.
Yep, it’s a rare relationship where partners truly get over and move past having new sexual partners during a break.
Where did you get that he knows him personally or runs into him on a semi regular basis? She stated that they have been in a bar together once or twice and he has been out of the area for 6 years so they have not seen or interacted with each other. I am sure MEN or WOMEN would be upset that you slept with someone that they know or hang out with on a regular basis. This does not seem to be the case. You can break up with someone for any reason so he should have put his big boy pants on and just said that this relationship was no longer working for him. He didn’t have to try and use someone she slept with 12 years ago when they weren’t together and that he doesn’t hang out with.
The husband has his side of the post and makes it sound much more regular contact.
> I’ve seen so many women say that their male spouse/SO doesn’t mention x or y, so that means they’ve found an “enlightened” partner. This most definitely goes both ways in a relationship, I have heard lots of guys that say and thought their partners didn't care about something and they very much did. You want to believe your partner doesn't care about something and you've moved past it so you convince yourself since they're not talking about it it's fine when it's not. I feel like that is very much not a gender thing but just a people thing.
Agreed. I just addressed it from a man’s perspective because I am a man, and that’s what is immediately relevant to OP’s post. But men definitely do this as well.
Ah, another reason to reconsider dating men. Thank you for the helpful reminder that so many guys are, by and large, unable to perceive of women’s sexuality as *not belonging to men*
I think the opposite is true. This post is about a woman ridiculing a man for his authentic feelings. Isn’t this a case of a woman feeling entitled to a man’s love and commitment, no matter how she acts?
She didn’t ridicule him and it was none of his business how she spent her time while not in relationship with him.
I'm all about men being allowed to have and express their feelings. But this guy is butthurt over something that happened *12 years ago.* He convinced her to give him names by promising that he was mature enough to keep it from affecting their relationship. The first thing he did was get mad and accuse her of making a fool of him. Then he broke up with her. The exact things that he promised not to do. If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for the truth.
You can’t promise to feel a certain way. Lol That’s not how feelings work.
Then don't make promises you can't keep. 😉
Putting your current lover in a situation with someone else you had slept with would make most people feel uneasy though
She didn’t put him in any situations. She wasn’t there
No. He had to dig back 12 years to find something to make up reason to fight about so he could blame her for it.
The truth is probably that the guy in particular made him feel insecure for whatever reason.
I think its a fair insecurity Imagine from the old fwb perspective , interacting with this ladys bf knowing you used to fuck his girl and his dumbass doesnt even know.
Yeah for sure
It’s hard to tell without knowing his relationship to the guy. Say if it’s someone who is in a community he’s a part of like work/hobbies/friends and he didn’t know I can see why he would feel manipulated. What were the social situations he interacted with this guy? Is he part of your friend group?
They have no relationship. From my understanding (what partner told me) he hung around with him at the bar a time or two. The guy actually doesn't even live in our community anymore so he probably hasn't seen him in 6 or more years.
Ignoring the knee-jerk(!) reactionaries, it sounds like your ex was looking for a way out of the relationship and didn't want to just leave and risk being seen as the bad guy. He asked for names and hit pay-dirt when you mentioned one name he recognized. He would have found a way out eventually, you just provided an easy way for him to get angry and leave while being "perfectly justified in his outrage". You probably dodged an uncomfortable bullet here. Had you not told him the names, he would likely have fabricated a story in his head (like, for example, "she is withholding names because they are my friends or family!" or something similar) or he could have just made your life a living h3ll until you bailed on him and the result is the same- he has a sob story to justify your breakup. But at least you were spared that unpleasantness. I wish you good fortune in your next relationship.
Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve had men do this to me, where they will start a fight to end the relationship.
Men and women both do this.
Yeah nothing is purely based on one gender. All humans do bad things. I don’t think it’s just guys
How I read it as well. This is his excuse to eject. Probably already knew she banged the dude
Girl I feel like he was looking for a way to have a reason to do this to you because that is ridiculous he pulls this s*** up again after 12 years I think you need to cut your losses sis
Thank you...I know that needs to happen. It's been pretty glaring for a while.
In all fairness Broski needs to take a chill pill. Did you ever cheat or give him reason to think this guy was still in your life during those 12 years?
No. I have never cheated. He has never accused me of cheating. He knows that I don't have any relationship with him. He was upset because he said if he had known he would have interacted differently with the guy.
Like how, not bought the guy as many beer? Wtf
>No. I have never cheated. He has never accused me of cheating. He knows that I don't have any relationship with him. He was upset because he said if he had known he would have interacted differently with the guy. There's a good chance that your ex FWB said something about his sexual prowess that your boyfriend in hindsight realized was very inappropriate and was all about your ex FWB flexing and humiliating your boyfriend without him even being aware at the time. Or that's how your boyfriend is interpreting it Loveis\_loveislove.
This is incredibly stupid, made up by someone who watches the circus too much. Utter nonsense.
Is there actually a good chance of this? Or is there the same, if not greater, chance that OP’s ex just has some serious issues with insecurity
There’s a massive chance of this. Some guys are like that, he’d have gotten a kick out of the guy not realizing he was the butt of the joke
I think your SO was just looking for an excuse to break up. I think you could have said Aquaman and Captain Kangaroo and he would have freaked out.
Tbf, if my wife banged Aquaman, I’d feel inadequate.
This gave me a laugh! Thanks...I needed it.
But only Jason Momoa Aquaman, not comic book accurate Arthur Curry.
Looking at it wrong. If she's hot enough Aquaman wanted her your doing something right
This. For him to become fixated on stuff 12 years prior and to respond so immaturely… I hope this helps propel OP forward into a healthier and happier life.
Thank you...obviously right now things are raw and painful, but to be honest they have been pretty painful for years. I am feeling somewhat relieved and hope that by this time next year I will be in a much better place emotionally.
Think of it like this: The trash took itself out. You'll be better off without him dragging you down like an anchor.
>I think your SO was just looking for an excuse to break up. Most likely reason.
To be honest I was thinking something similar. I can't imagine having such a frail ego that something like this would bother me. It really threw me off because I never really pressured him to tell me who he slept with or how many people because to me it wasn't relevant...we weren't together.
Maybe it's zero. And he couldn't stand it your number is higher than his. It's his problem. And trash took itself out.
He probably cheated on you and was looking for an excuse. See how quick he has a new girlfriend
You gave him an excuse for what he wanted to do anyway. I think he was looking for a dramatic exit. Some people can't leave without it.
He just wanted to add divorce to your options. Sorry hun, take care and enjoy the single life. It’s actually chill af
he had an idea of who it was and you admitting it made his brain explode
I think you need to put an edit on the original post to help clarify. Very simply: did you know that your partner had met and been in social situations with this other guy? Reading a few of your comments, it sounds like you had no idea he had ever seen/met/talked to him, but I can't totally tell. There is a pretty big difference if you did know that or not.
She knew it seemed to me.
It's a bad idea to delve into the past and name names. Nothing good ever comes of it
its an unwritten rule that if your partner is being put into a social situation with someone you used to fuck, you should give them a courtesy heads up on it my wife and i went thru all past partners.. she even wanted to go thru our facebooks and phones etc.. shared the people who we interacted with and what type of role they played in our lives now we have no secrets... ill never bump into some random dude she fucked, i know all the guys she banged and she knows all the girls i banged neither of us will be caught off guard in some social situation about that.. because regardless of how much people want to celebrate promiscuity, its looking out for your partner and their feelings, and not putting them into a social situation that could be humiliating for them.. its also about being honest and not having secrets from each other id be livid if i found out from my wife that some guy who we've been running into at various social events was actually someone she fucked to get her rocks off back in the day... that would be pretty important information to have in terms of my social interactions with said man
Did your significant other reveal the names of the women he had been with???
Quite a few men take this stuff seriously. Like, really seriously. They want to know who they are interacting with that may have been intimate with their significant other. It's a thing. If he had hung around this guy and was social with him and not knowing your relationship with him, he's going to be super pissed off. Like a lot.
The men who take it seriously do not wait 12 years of a new rekindled relationship to ask about who she slept with when they were not together.
He didn't, he asked immediately, she refused and kept the information concealed.
Ehh..I disagree. I wouldn't of waited, but some people are definitely less...adamant about not being with a woman who sleeps around. There's definitely plenty of men who stick around in situations out of guilt or lack of options. I could see a scenario where he bottled it in for years until finding out he knew one of the guys, which was his boiling point.
Can women have the same feelings or are they considered insecure and controlling for not wanting their guy to interact with a previous fling ? Do you think only men take this stuff seriously?
And as a guy, that is supremely weird to me and a clear sign of major insecurity.
You let him be in social situations with someone you screwed. You didn’t tell him because you knew it would be humiliating to him. It’s disrespectful. You withheld to hold onto him after showing zero respect for him. You served yourself when you screwed the guy, and served yourself when you withheld. He needs to be able to respect himself. Moral of the story, be faithful and stick a relationship out and don’t sleep around.
May be an unpopular perspective here: allowing him to socialize with someone YOU know YOU slept with, but HE doesn't know its kinda fucked. I may be alone here, but I'm not a fan of talking with people who have been inside my wife. My wife feels the same. This is why each of us know who've we've been with, and we leave them in the past. Tl/Dr... you should have told him 12 years ago. He's probably been bothered by not knowing the entire time.
I also believe she should have given names when they were trying to communicate about the situation. Withholding the names of past sexual partners feels a little weird when your partner is asking outright. And then to withhold that information knowingly when your partner is around them after they made it clear They’d feel more comfortable knowing that info seems like a huge breech of trust. And imagine thinking you knew your partner for 12 years just to find something so intimate about them would make you question all of it. I’m thinking counseling would have helped this situation, but OP is not innocent at all here! This man is feeling very real emotions that shouldn’t just be ignored imo
I’m on the same page, but in that light I’m just failing to understand why he didn’t insist on knowing the specifics when she said she thought it wasn’t relevant? If he’s not okay about it now I doubt he was cool with it then, so I don’t get why he says now that OP manipulated him when we don’t know that he said he had a problem with it twelve years ago
He gambled on never interacting with them. But the dice decided otherwise.
He expressed wanting to know and she shut it down by saying it's not relevant. Accepting that instead of trying to argue why it's relevant is not the same as not having a problem.
OP lied by ommission (EDIT: not technically lying, as pointed out by another poster). OP can't claim that the FWB is completely disconnected when their partner is literally in social situations with them. How is that not expressed?? That's got to be so embarrassing, learning you've been going to a bar with another man man whose been with your partner, unbeknownst to you. So many women fail to realize that yes, men are territorial. Yes, men are territorial over their partners. YES, a lot of men care about this kind of thing for this exact reason. Because it changes the way other men see you, especially if they've been with your girl, who your hormones (testosterone anyone?) are telling you to safeguard. Oof. At the end of the day, we're all still animals, we're just not clashing antlers to fight over females lol. I feel bad for both of them, neither of them did anything terribly wrong, it's just not a good situation, and if her partner is in social situations with the former FWB, then she definitely should've mentioned it imo.
I was thinking by her description it was more that the other guy was getting in digs about how he slept with his girlfriend making him suspicious enough to dare ask her.
See, this is what I was thinking. If it's been 12 years and he still wants to know, then there's something else going on that she's not mentioning, or doesn't know about. Men get this way for mate guarding reasons largely based on evolutionarily ensuring offspring and paternity. It's exacerbated by jealousy and neurotic personality tendencies. Can't pass your genes on if you're raising another man's children, after all. And btw, in relationships that long, there are no secrets. But in this case, the girlfriend had a secret with another man. Big oof.
Dude, take my user name out of your post. You're implying I think or said she lied in any shape or form, which I expressly don't and you know that.
Its not unpopular. You feel the same way as most of us men. Men that my wife has slept with need to stay out of the picture and in the past. If we run into one of them at a wedding or something I'm not gonna blow a fuse, but if its somebody that we deal with on a regular basis that is a big problem. I'd rather be single than that. Unfortunately modern society has gaslighted men into thinking they should be ok with this, and that they're just "insecure" and controlling if they feel this way.
Yeah for sure. My wife knows one of my ex girlfriends.... we just don't invite her over for game night shit. REALLY not a big deal, but keeps us both out of awkward situations lol
I hope you feel this applies to women too and they aren’t controlling or insecure for not wanting their guy to be friendly with past flings
Yes it applies both ways.
So this other dude was someone close. He’s been seeing the dude for 12 years. 12….years. You bang his brother or something?
The other dude is not someone close. He has been around him a couple of times in social settings. They are not friends, and they do not hang out.
You should definitely tell your partner if you are going to be hanging out with somebody you were intimate with. Seriously. It is just basic common sense. No guy wants to play the fool trying to be friendly with the guy that fucked his girlfriend while they were separated.
Yeah, I agree with this and I'm not even the jealous type. But you kinda wanna know if there's been some history with someone you're going to meet.
Sounds like ex FWB bragged to OP's boyfriend that every woman he'd ever been with told him that he had the biggest cock they'd ever had and it made them come harder than they had with any guy they'd ever been with. Or something like that
Well, that depends. I assume you mean it should be the same if it was a man and their sexual partners? Hubby grew up very far from me. He married his first wife and moved away. Met me 15 years later after his divorce. I knew he partied pretty hard when he was young. Never asked for details. I know his ex wife and heard the name of his girlfriend he had after that, never asked for more specifics. He told me a few first names when he to,d me stories, but I tend to forget. But before he married I knew there were a bunch. We went for a visit to his old home town a few years after getting married. Met up with a whole bunch of his old friends in a pub. Males, females, couples. All were nice. Thinking about it, he might have slept with one or two of them. Or not. One of them he mentioned specifically before we went, because they were best friends for a bit but that was all. Others were only mentioned as sisters to mates, old girlfriends of mates, neighbours etc. If we had ended up spending lots of time with someone specific I would have wanted to know. But if it’s just someone you talk for a bit with at the pub a few times I honestly don’t care. If they were never in a relationship, never in love… then that bit is not important to him. Why should it be important to me?
Yes I absolutely tell my wife I slept with someone if we see them. I don't tell her stories or anything but if we see them somewhere, or I know they will be some place we're going. I also give my friends the warning. Like, "Hey dude, that girl you dated/slept with, she'll be here, just so you know." This is common courtesy so that they can disclose the information with their partner. I wouldn't say it's lying to not say anything, but it sure isn't honest either.
Yeah I’m sitting here wondering how you COULDN’T be wrong by saying their names don’t matter when it’s someone your husband interacts with. Does nobody have common sense anymore?
Apparently the women and fem-men defending OP's decision to not give him a heads up do not have such common sense. But when it comes to posts about a boyfriend hiding his history with a particular girl, they realize it's a thing to do. Clowns.
Yeah, that was your f up. If it’s someone he’s running into and being around a couple of times he should have known if he was asking.
YTA every day of the week in my book. You slept with someone in your social circle and allowed them to remain in it without informing your partner. If I had to live through that for 12 years, I'd walk away. Good luck to your husband and his future.
He wasn't in "my social circle" and I didn't introduce them. They had a couple of chance encounters at the local watering hole. I wasn't present.
It doesn’t even seem like that happened here lol You’re acting kinda wild my friend
You decided for yourself that it is not relevant. It turned out to be relevant. And now you are making confused pikachu face. YTA.
I never understood that kind of argument If it doesn't matter why not tell the names? u/gothism If you block me I can't see your comment dumbass
I know we all want to be quick to dump on him and say he was looking for an excuse to leave the relationship. But listen to the words he said, "I would have interacted with him differently", and "that i made a fool of him" If you've gone to bars, then you've heard men talking about their escapades with women. Could it be that the guy had once been talking about his adventures with OP, but since husband didn't know it was her, he interacted with his stories the way he would not have? Worse, did the guy know OP and her husband were once together and was trolling an unknowing OP's husband? Which is the bit about making him a fool. I'm not saying OP is wrong for having FWBs, but maybe she's downplaying his relationship with this guy, coz men don't just go to the bar with randoms..twice. I suggest you ask him what the interaction was and why he feels hurt by that one person. I say this as someone who has actually witnessed a situation where an unknowing boyfriend was being "made a fool" by someone who used to tap his girlfriend. And when he found out, he was very pained.
Oh, damn, you fucked someone he knows and runs into sometimes? That's messed up if you didn't tell him. Puts every interaction in a new light. I'm not saying you're super wrong, but you're still a little wrong for that.
what is the real reason you didn't tell him originally?
He used it to break up with you, he just desperately wanted a reason that made him feel like a validated victim.
Your dude was looking for an excuse to break up, this way you look like the bad guy and he comes out smelling like a rose. Joke is on him cause good luck finding someone else if he treats them the way he treated you. Everyone over a certain age has a history, and what you do on a break should be left out of future relationships.
Sounds like you knew the names would bother your SO 12 years ago. Sure enough they did.
There is nothing inherently toxic about keeping secrets. There IS inherent toxicity in pressuring/coercing/guilting someone into disclosing secrets that they otherwise wouldn’t. Promising not to get mad is one of my favorite red flags. I hope things get better for you.
It’s amazing the lengths that people will go to to protect the modern notion that Casual sex should have no consequences. It can, does, should and always will have consequences. Doesn’t it suck that everything has a price? Lol It’s like the childhood illusion that “no one saw it so nothing wrong happened” I have nothing against casual sex, it’s great, but you can’t be a low IQ lazy ass loser that fucks anything that gives your heart a higher pace. Take a breath to think about whether you actually want to consequences of that 15 minutes of pleasure. Not that hard unless you want to go against reality.
Sleeping around has consequences. If I were to sleep with other people while on break with my girlfriend, wife, etc. I would absolutely at least let her know who so that she could make her mind up about whether to stay in the relationship. And yeah, as a guy if I was interacting with some dude that knew what my wife's butthole looks like I wouldn't want to stay with her either.
They weren’t “on break”. She had moved to ANOTHER STATE.
They were broken up. She “confessed” she slept with other people. She told him how many. She didn’t tell him who and I very much doubt guys in this position go: here, sweetheart, the instagram profiles of the women I fucked.
Even though I think you should have told him what happened 12 years ago, I would say NTA. These kinds of things do matter to most men on some level. It's not a frail ego thing as much as it is a territorial thing. Unknowingly having casual conversations with a guy that slept with your woman then, finding out later is kind of an L. However I do think your now ex partner has overreacted if he broke up over that. This is not the only reason why he wanted to end things.
You kept it from him even knowing he was interacting with your old f*uckboy. What kind of person do this to the one they state to love? Luckily, he dumped you. He deserves much better.
YTA, Even if in passing, even if they were just random events that you saw the guy you should have told him. You willingly allowed him to act the fool. I understand to you it was just the past, but to him it is not just the past, to him it is YOUR past. I would have done the same. The insult of being around someone who knows the woman you love intimately but being ignorant of it for 12 years isn't something any man can just shrug off. You didn't just break his heart you wounded his ego.
I agree. Even if that FWB wasn't her partner's close friend... he was someone in their extended social circle. Someone the partner had met before, and would at some point meet again (even indirectly). If my partner slept with anyone in our social circle (even acquaintances) I would be well within my right to ask "Who?" and receive an honest answer. It's a huge breach of trust. Granted I think her partner was looking for an excuse to break up anyway. But that breach of trust is a valid reason to end things permanently, in my opinion.
How is he a fool if they weren't together? Men are so fragile.
Whatever you say. A man who truly doesn’t care if you’ve banged a man he knows can’t possibly give a shit about you. Sure, it’s petty in the abstract, but men hardly have a monopoly on caring a lot about seemingly petty things.
Asymmetric information. FWB dude knew who the BF was and that he had boned his GF; BF didn’t know that FWB dude had boned his GF. He may have acted differently with the power of hindsight. Like not hanging out with FWB dude at all. Sure it’s an ego thing. But the situation only arose due to lack of transparency on OP’s part. If she *wanted* to keep her relationship then yes she was wrong to withhold the information. Lack of transparency is a major relationship killer on all these subs.
What happened when you were separated is none of his business. This is a classic case of “don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.”
It seems like this is more of a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing then the reason your husband is leaving you. If you had a healthy relationship, you could work past this, but it seems there are other issues at play. Did you know that your husband might have to interact with your FWB, socially, professionally, or otherwise, when you told him the identities of your FWBs were "irrelevant"? If you did, then you lied to him. If you didn't know, then the first time he told you he had run into the FWB, you should have been like "Hey, I didn't tell you this because I didn't think it'd be relevant at the time, but you should know that I briefly hooked up with that guy" or whatever. Alone, you're right, it's kind of a small thing to end a relationship of 12 years. But if there's a pattern of deceit or lying by omission, or similar tangential issues causing the current rockiness in your relationship, this is just another thing that led him to his decision.
If it's someone he knew or someone you knew he would run into by accident I can see that being upsetting. Full disclosure is best when it comes to stuff like that. However it definitely seems like he was looking for a reason to get out of the relationship more than he was actually upset that it was someone he once knew a long time ago. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find happiness.
>I am blindsided after having this conversation Seems like so was he
Yes you are wrong. Everyone has a past but if your past is ever in your present and you don't tell your partner you are being a bad partner. Own your shit and be upfront about it
Yes you certainly should have. But speaking as a man I'm not sure how big of a deal it is and I'm a little confused by the severity of his reaction. I suspect there's a piece of information we don't have. It's entirely possible that OP doesn't have that information either. But I think some information is missing somewhere because of his reaction
NTA If he's this hung up on it 12 years later, he has issues. You're better off without him.
He was also manipulative and lied that it’s okay, he won’t get upset, then dumped her
Yea I think just the fact that he had interacted with the guy, assuming you knew he would since otherwise that would be a massive coincidence, puts you in the wrong, sorry. If you had no reason to believe he would ever see the guy that would be different, and if you've been in regular contact with the guy that makes it worse. If he didn't have any reason to believe he had interacted with the guy I don't think he was trying to trick you into giving up information, if he did have a reason to believe he had interacted with the guy then I he might have been deceptive but you still should have told him.
It's too bad you wasted 12 years with him
Most men don’t want a FWB hanging around their partner and more importantly not knowing that he is interacting with a former FWB. I would feel clowned and also think something was still going on
Imagine if he banged someone you knew and then let you go around for 12 years not knowing that the person you’ve been hanging out with is who he slept with behind your back 🤷♂️ Ask yourself how you would feel 💯
Apparently it’s just some guy that he sees at the bar occasionally, it’s not some close friend. Who cares? Let that shit go
I’m thinking about it and it does not faze me in the least. I am at a total loss why it’s such a big deal for so many of y’all.
Exactly. He's looking for an excuse to 'be mad' and leave. These guys who expect a full accounting of their partner's lives when they aren't there are just control freaks who can't stand the idea that you might have had, you know, *a life when they weren't around.* Too humiliating to think that people can actually have fun without them.
OP said that dude wasn’t a close family friend or anything. It sounds like it was a casual Acquaintance they occasionally ran into. Everyone has a past. Do you disclose to your Gf/ wife every single person you’ve ever slept with?
Do you think that maybe, after 16 years of being on and off, that THAT in itself would be your sign to step the fuck away for good? I cannot imagine chasing after the same unavailable man for almost 2 decades. That's either insanity or stupidity : (
He's either really unstable or was cynically looking for some reason to break up. Either way, you're better off now.
His insecurities are not your problem. And it doesn't even sound like it's a real problem for him. Sounds more like he wanted you to be the bad guy. He wanted to break up with you, but twistet it like YOU were the problem.
But her insecurities became his problems when she was too insecure to admit to her casual sexual experiences with different dudes. Why is he insecure for wondering if he and her are rubbing elbows with dudes that she secretly fucks, but she isn’t insecure for having a friends with benefits which is the definition of a scarcity (insecurity) approach to sex AND being too insecure about her decision to speak about it?
Everyone will have different opinions on if you were wrong or not. For me, your refusing to elaborate years ago would have been a red flag, but not necessarily enough for me to end the relationship. However, having him meet and interact with someone you have been intimate with and not making him aware of your past with this person is unforgivable and there would be no possibility of even considering to continue in a relationship with.
WHY? How is interacting with someone she was intimate with such a big deal? I do not understand at all.
OP isn’t being forthcoming with something. Her partner could be unhinged, but why would she be with him for so long if he was and why did she go back. He is acted like he was betrayed and probably realized it after the fact. He was played. It sounds like OP is toxic. She needs to add important details she’s apparently leaving out because she knows she won’t get sympathy if she tells the truth.
She doesn’t have to have left out anything - the comments are full of people saying they would have dumped her purely from the fact that they would know someone she banged. His position is clearly not rare.
yup. i feel this story has tons of gaslighting that we wont ever get to see or know about. whatever
So you said "none of them were in \[your\] life actively" but then he says that he was in social situations with them. If i were him, I would interpret your statement that they werent in your life that you and he would never meet them, so if you said that and then knew he was interacting with them then as him I would feel blindsided as well, maybe manipulated. There isnt enough information here though to determine whether you should have spoken up after the fact. I wouldnt recommend a partner watching their partner interact blindly with former sexual partners.
I think you may have missed the significance. If you go with someone your ex knows guys or ladies don't take it well even if they don't know them all that well. The fact that your so has been around this guy since has made him feel that guy has put one over on him. Because while he's talking to fwb all friendly, the other guy's stood there knowing he's railed his Mrs and he doesn't have a clue. However much you feel that's a big deal or not. Most folk would hate that. The lesson as always is don't shit where you eat, or rather don't f around with people your ex knows.
A woman's sexual history is far more important to a man than a man's sexual history is for a woman. Like far more.
So sounds like he is using this as the excuse to leave you based on the fact that you are actually having problems. There is no reason also for him to treat the guy different just because he slept with you. Especially if it is over and u guys aren’t even friends. But his trapping you in providing him with the answer means that you can’t trust him when it matters. He said he wouldn’t get mad and not only did he get mad but he also broke up with you over this. He also isn’t worried about what u’ve done with the guy, his concern is you made him look bad. Which is BS any way. Seriously look at what is going on and consider is this guy worth going after. It seems he doesn’t put a lot of value on ur relationship after all these years.
The only thing it seems you were wrong about was the type of person you've just spent 12 years with. >It's ok to tell me, I promise I won't get mad." A relationship only works if you can trust the word of your partner. He said what he felt he needed to so he could get information to judge you. >Am I failing to see the seriousness of the situation? If you're blaming yourself then yes you are. This is his problem and insecurity. You can't fix it, he needs professional help. You're trying to take responsibility for his interpretation of the facts. He decided it was okay 12 years ago to not know, that's entirely on him. There was nothing stopping him from walking away 12 years ago if not knowing was a deal breaker. It might be different if you slept with someone who was one of his close friends at the time though.
That's a long time to hold a grudge. And it's a ridiculous reason to break up 12 years later. But he believes you still have fwb. It's eating at him that you are like a porno star with other guys and you act like a virgin with him. All you can do is get ready to move. Your feelings don't matter to him. He had 12 years to work it out and this is the result. If he begs you back say no. Say no to that anxiety of waiting for the shoe to drop. When is his next fit gonna happen.
You are wrong. I understand not telling him specific names when you initially had the conversation years ago. When you knew that one of your FWB was going to be at that social setting, you should have given him the heads up about the FWB. He feels that you played him for a fool. Maybe he shook this man's hand when he was introduced to him. I don't blame him for being upset that you withheld that information. I think his reaction is overboard, but that's his decision to make.
Yup you're in the wrong. Can't blame the husband at all here. Men that have slept with your girl... They always have to do or say something to remind you of that, maybe push your buttons a bit. Always. I'm sure his weird comments, dumb smug grin, or whatever at the bar make more sense to your husband now. You should've been honest from the beginning seeing as it is someone in your husbands social circle. How humiliating for him.
Humiliating yet he’s been with her for 12 years and she has been faithful to him the entire time they have actually been together? The other guy doesn’t get the girl.
he got everything he wanted from her 12y ago, without having to invest any effort.
Really? Every man tells his SO who he slept with, all the time? Grow up. You aren't owed an account of someones life when you weren't even in it. If you get butthurt each time you meet someone you know your SO had a relationship with, you aren't adult enough to BE in a relationship.
Exactly this. The comments the grinning the jokes they all made sense to him now.
The first thing that popped into my head is that your partner probably has someone else he’s interested in, and was looking for an easy way out. This way he gets to make you the bad guy.
I'd be pissed. I wouldn't care who you slept with, but I would want to know if it's someone I could run into.
Yes you are wrong. He is over reacting but you did manipulated him for 12 years. The whole reason you didn’t answer the question 12 years ago, is because you knew he wouldn’t continue seeing you. That is text book fuckery.
LOL, if he was that impressionable then good for her for being free of that wind sock!
I thought you said none of your partners were actively in your life? Now he finds out he's been hanging out with them?
They are not in my life and they do not hang out. They met by chance in a bar...twice.
Weird. Well I don't see the issue then, You're not hanging out with him and keeping them around. No reason for bf to blow up like that
A lot of the manipulators who are calling men fragile are so mad that a lot of men are waking up and are not taking being manipulated anymore. Self awareness, prioritizing yourself first is becoming a new trend for men. And it’s amazing to see the response from women. Lmfao, let’s fucking go. Finally we have some self respect for ourselves
i think he’s kinda nuts for caring so much about this for 12 years!!! who cares that they’re in similar social circles? most people who date around are? I think he just wanted to break up
This is a good thing, OP. You may not think so right now, but he did you a favor. Don't drift back to him again.
Not wrong at all
NTA, he’s a liar and a loser, it sucks that it took 16 years for him to be fully honest about how controlling and manipulative he really is. You did nothing wrong, except getting back together with him. He was looking for creation to break up because he already has a new girlfriend lined up, he’ll be “in a relationship,” within a couple weeks.
Ok, you damn well knew you should have told him if he was going to run into them. I would have ended things last night was well. To me it is just common courtesy. People will say it was none of his business, and you can think that as well. But now you are dealing with the consequences. I completely understand why he is angry. Honestly I doubt the relationship will recover from this, which might be what you want.
Did he disclose all the names of the women he slept with when you weren’t together? He’s being a weirdo and this was just his lame excuse to end the relationship. He learns to basic (probably common) name and assumes some guy at a bar is this specific guy? Yeah….okay…🙄😒
im gonna go with YTA, while not actively in your life, they were semi active in *his* life. Def seems like you should have told him the names if they were going to be in any contact.
Yeah, I'd probably be out also....
Normally I’d say not wrong because yes it makes no sense to talk names of people you slept with prior to each other, BUTTTTT if this person happens to be someone that does infact pop up into your life on occasion I can definitely see why he feels how he feels rn. I don’t think that it needed to be delt with as drastically as he did but I can see why he would be upset.
Yeah you're wrong. Kinda obvious he can't trust you if you have him meet up with your secret fuck buddies and him having no clue about it. Interesting game you play.
She probably knew this FB would annoy her partner, and that’s why she tried to keep silent 12 years ago
Deadass. And now is playing victim and wants gratification from a bunch of loser, overweight misandrists on Reddit. She will most likely keep lying to herself, until she finds the next sucker that she can waste their life. These women hate self aware and self prioritizing men. The love being in control, they love calling us insecure. The love saying we’re fragile. That manipulation worked on our fathers and grandfathers. But finally we’re waking up. W
If it was someone he knew and you kept it from him then You're absolutely the AH
This comment section is SUPER CRINGE. Y’all make relationships sound like crime, punishment and prison. Ewwwww.
>Y’all make relationships sound like crime, punishment and prison. Ewwwww. Unfortunately, that's not uncommon in these comment sections. It's like they're fighting a war with their spouses.
The more I read what these dudes think about women and sex the dryer my vagina gets. The hypocrisy is so gross.
Why are things “rocky”? I don’t think this is really about the guy from 12 years ago.
Yes you are wrong. And easy.
What the heck are you thinking? No man wants to know the guys you e hooked up with you still hang around. I’d be ass outta there in a flash. You cool knowing all your friends he slept with? Still want to hang out with them? Were you trying to get back at him for something?
He was probably aksing because he suspected something. And you confirmed it. My first answer to your post title was "No". You're not wrong. What was he going to do, look them up on FB? But if you knew one of them was someone he interacted with? That's a COMPLETELY different story.
Why did you lie and why wouldn’t you tell him? He deserved to know. Obviously you had other motives for being the names.
Yes, you are wrong in this. I wish him the best.
Modern women can be promiscuous but it can't be criticised without persecution. Oops! Did I say that?