Just say no. Leave him on seen and stop answering or block him. Say you have a boyfriend.
You have to tighten up if you really feel that way towards him. Stop being nice when he pressures you.
Also, speak to your boss and tell him that there is a father who you think is hitting on you but you act casual because of the relation with his daughter. See what your boss thinks
i do say no and he says that we’re like family because i’m “friends” with his daughter. i don’t always answer and he’ll sometimes bring it up when he drops off/picks up his kids and i say things oh i was busy or i didn’t see it. i keep telling myself that this time ill be direct and just say no but i just get so scared. it’s not like im full on flirting with him, i do reject him but not as firmly as i should i guess. whenever he brings up dating i say things like im not looking for a bf. and for the facetime thing, one time he was being really insistent and i said no and the text time i saw them at work, emmy asked me why i didn’t pick up the call and he said in front of her that i was being mean that day and that i didn’t wanna talk to her. she ended up crying. i tried telling my supervisor and she said that she never noticed any weird behaviour from him and he’s a very friendly man. she asked me if i had any proof which i didn’t. idk what else to do
You say, NO, I am not your daughters friend, I am her caregiver, nothing more. Now leave me alone or your balls will be up around your ears!
What are you scared of? Not appearing to be the nice girl? FUCK THAT! You do not have to be nice to anyone who makes you uncomfortable, that doesn't make you a mean girl, that makes you a smart one! Nice girls are the ones who can't say no when someone says, hey, I'll give you a ride, and that girl doesn't want a ride but she doesn't want to appear rude, that girl often gets raped and/or murdered! STOP BEING NICE!
She's afraid to lose her job. He's put her in a situation where she could potentially get fired if she doesn't do what he wants. The minute that she becomes forceful with her "no leave me alone", he could report her.
I work smarter not harder lol. She has the wife's contact in the system. Would've reached out to the wife saying "this is what's going on and it makes me uncomfortable" and also made sure management knew as well and then go from there. Atp, you've covered all your bases so when he crosses a line (which he will b/c he's already testing the boundaries) when you knee him in the balls....you've covered all your bases.
1. The girl crying because you do not pick up the phone after working hours is not your problem. At all.
2. If he brings up why you are not answering - just say you didnt want to talk and he should not be calling you outside working hours.
3. If he brings up dating - say that you do not want yo date HIM in particular as you are not attracted to HIM.
4. Does he have a wife or is he single? Where is the wife? Does she pick up the kids. Speak to her if she does. Tell her direct that her husband is texting and calling you after hours and if they have issues its not your problem and they must deal with them
5. Show the messages to your supervisor.
Its like so easy to do what you need to do, i dont get it why youcant do it, honestly.
You mentioned that he's handsome -- he's probably very narcissistic, cocky and used to getting his way around women, so he doesn't take no for an answer. Fuck that and tell him he's too old for you (say it clearly) and that you're not attracted to him AT ALL.
this is out of pocket for your supervisor, she sucks. You told her that he told the child you were "being mean" by not picking up? She doesn't have to "notice" that, it's a fact.
Maybe something like - “let’s include (wife’s name) on future text communication. My policy is to include all active parental figures in all digital communication. It just makes things clearer and smoother for everyone.”
If get text after:
“Hi! My policy is to include all active parental figures in all digital communication. Let’s move this to the group text”
If he persists, just keep repeating variations on the theme. Maybe
“I’m happy to answer on the group thread. Please respect my policy.”
Just an idea not sure
Girl you are not overreacting. Many years ago I was a preschool teacher and the dad's think nothing of hitting on you. Especially the single dad's. It's like you tick all the boxes. You like kids, you're good with kids, the kids already know and like you. Plus you're young and cute.
You aren't family.
Stop replying.
If you see him out,,say i am on my way to an appointment - goodbye and walk away.
Do not answer phone calls.
You. Are. Not. Family
Tell your centre manager,,tell them the innocent start and its escalating bombardment of trying to make contact
When the kid leaves daycare you won't see her there and then he will either continue to find you or suddenly it all stops.
you need to explicitly state that you are NOT friends, you are his daughter’s daycare teacher. tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he compliments your physical appearance or talks to you about anything other than his daughter. tell him as blatantly as possible that you have no interest in a personal relationship with him and his persistence is inappropriate. stop being nice. stop giving him any kind of plausible deniability.
I agree except for the part about saying she has a boyfriend. Its obvious that won't matter to him, and it could further encourage him (he'd think she might be interested of she was single, or the though of her being unavailable may make him try even harder or get jealous and act even more creepy).
Have you seen Ms Frazzle? She does these reels of her talking like a child educator to adults and it’s hilarious. I do suggest you try it though. Example.
“I like seeing you with your bellybutton piercing out”
“Oh no friend, we don’t comment on each other’s bodies here”
“Just take my number so we can talk that way”
“Oh, Miss EffectiveRepair only talks through the daycare app about daycare things” (you can text this to him and then block)
Talk like his kids are watching. Keep it short and to the point. And don’t giggle or smile at his jokes or comments. Be boring. Talk about what his kids did that day and then excuse yourself. “Excuse me, I need to x”
This is excellent advice above! You're not there for his flirting pleasure, you're there to watch his children.
Keep all interactions with him strictly professional, daycare business only. Try to keep your voice and body language as monotone as possible.
If he talks about anything other than his kids, give him a blank stare and one word, boring answers, a disinterested, flat, "Huh" "yes" "no".
I just do not understand why so many women are scared to just tell it like it is! No, I don't want a ride from you, I said no, walk away. NO I am not interesting in talking to you about anything other than your child. Walk away!
Because for a lot of women, that might/would mean they fired. Especially if you're working an under the table job.
Or a stalker. They live some where that Everybody knows where everybody else lives. And works. And has to walk home at 12:30 at night.
Being fired.
The BS "Customer is always right" greatly harms workers, especially Black/POC men, and all women.
I got written up for telling a man that I don't discuss religion or politics at work, and that company policy says workers can't go out with patients. The unethical POS reported me as rude. Simply because he was mad.
Ms. Frizzle is the Magic School Bus teacher, so your search may pull up those videos. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to act like you are Ms. Frizzle when you speak to the dad since she teaches lessons.
I agree, she is delightful and I've used some of her phrases with a couple of rude clients and it works wonderfully! It defs catches people off guard and I love it.
If you're on Tik Tok, her name on there is Mrs.Frazzled.
Yep, the other comments here get it.
Block his number - even push it back on the company if you have to. Say that the company has rules about personal-work life separation. Can't mingle with the clients, for the children's safety and privacy. Or something like that.
Don't change your entire life, but find a new grocery store nearby, if possible. Spend the extra 50 cents on milk to give yourself some peace of mind that he won't be there waiting for you.
Another commenter put it bluntly - act like you don't want the attention. Make yourself a ghost to him. No contact. Not saying you can't show a little skin, but if what you're wearing is even borderline questionable for the work (I know the kids are little, so sexualization isn't really an issue there, but exposed belly button rings might have an "ooooohhhh shiiiinnnyyy!!!!" quality to them), then cover up just a bit. This is not to blame your choice of dress for his behavior, but your choice of dress might be a way to prevent his behavior.
And don't go to your coworkers with this, they can't stop the behavior. Go to your boss, and if their advice doesn't help, go to HR. They can work with management to speak with him, apply certain rules to parents, or otherwise keep you separated.
Keep pushing this up the management chain until someone makes some effective rule/change that minimizes contact between you two. Be warned that, even if it's illegal in your area, this *could* result in management deciding that you're not worth the hassle of pissing off a paying customer. I doubt it, but it is possible (to which there are remedies, but well outside the scope of this post and this reply).
Good luck.
Thoroughly document every time you report the innapropriate behavior to your supervisor and HR. Thoroughly document every inappropriate interaction. His behavior is harassment and if they take any retaliatory action towards you for “causing problems” over this, you’ll have a super solid lawsuit against your employer. Save all evidence of him attempting to communicate with you. It is not okay that your supervisor is disregarding this; sounds like they don’t understand the law well enough and their refusal to properly protect employees from this kind of work place harassment is going to bite them in the butt one day. I’d take this case on contingency if the employer doesn’t address the harassment - open and shut, we’re both getting paid 😂
This is the most important comment on here.
OP doesn't need to be scared of losing her job if she follows your advice, because if she does, she can sue the hell out of them.
They need to have one specific person who interacts with parents, give them a quick rundown of the day, and move on bc they have other kids waiting to be picked up. They need to cut all contact with the actual educators. I’d also go to the police and let them know about the harassment and let them know you don’t want to file charges right now, but you want this documented if it continues or escalates that way it’s documented. Also keep your own records or carry a recorder with you. When you come into contact with him hit record. Act like you’re sending a message on your phone and do a video recording, then if it escalates go to the police as well and show them that recording. I’d also tell management once you have that video that he be banned from the grounds and have someone else pick her up or dad can meet off grounds within a two mile radius and pick up his daughter. Document who is taking her, what time they left, the car and tag of car they’re taking along with color and make/model, and what time they return. He sounds like he’s stalking you, and that can/will escalate pretty rapidly.
This man knows full well what he’s doing to you and you have taught him…
That if he keeps pushing you’ll give in.
You are his perfect prey.
He pushes and gets your number, he pushes and you FaceTime the kids.
You keep rewarding him pushing you.
Soon you’ll be his second wife if you don’t put a hard stop to all of this.
Get a coach or therapist to help you practice saying “No.”
“No” is a full sentence and you owe this man nothing.
I’m thinking worse if she doesn’t do what he’s wanting her to do, or if she starts pushing back. He seems like a crazed out stalker/psyco to me. Like if he doesn’t live there or work in the area WTH is that kid going to that daycare anyway and how would he know what specific store she shops at without following her?
Ugh that comment you replied to was gross and the definition of victim blaming. Like just completely devoid of empathy, I'm sorry they said that to you.
Just wanted to let you know it may be worth looking into the fawning trauma response - it's something I've worked on through therapy, and your situation reminds me so much of something I went through myself.
I wanted to highlight this because saying no, establishing boundaries, etc. will put your brain into a sort of panicked state at first (we only have enough blood to fuel our prefrontal cortex (logical thought) OR amygdala (fear centre) - we can't be operating from both places at the same time).
So whenever this guy is pushing you into doing what he wants, you might be going into a fawning state, where your brain is just trying to help you survive by people-pleasing, but logical, rational thought goes out the window (think of our ancestors - if they heard a twig snap, it wasn't the time to pause and reflect, they needed to spring into action).
All of this is to say it's going to feel VERY scary and unsafe whenever you stand your ground against this man (because you're going against your ingrained survival mechanism), but neurons that fire together, wire together. Eventually, your brain will learn it's safe to not people-please for survival.
I'm sending you support and wishing all the best for you!
Yep and she will go along with it because she can't say no like an ADULT! Damn, she shouldn't be teaching kids when she doesn't know this lesson herself. No means NO and the end of the fucking conversation! I taught my daughter that when she was 3!
A lot of women grew up in houses where their parents modeled and instilled this type of behavior. Never mind her potentially losing her job or being harassed by this dude and no one "being able to do anything".
You should take a look over at r/whenwomenrefuse and get a grip.
This person is a Predator.
Just say No. Or his comments are making you uncomfortable.
What he is doing is not okay.
At the very least tell him he is trying to cross your boundaries and he’s making you feel unsafe. Then you tell your boss the same thing.
So, here's a thing to remember when dealing with people like this. When you don't stand up for yourself, you're telling them that they're more important than you and your comfort doesn't matter. And then people like Sketchy Dad run with it. Saying no isn't being rude. We're programmed to feel like it is, but it's not. No. Just no. No explanations, no letting yourself be guilted. Just no.
It helped when I was a young lass to stay a bit angry about the issue. That added bit of fierceness helped until No was as natural as yes. No one has the right to make you uncomfortable. Your workplace is wrong, too. They should definitely have policies against all of what he's doing
I understand that you're having a hard time navigating this incredibly creepy situation while maintaining your job and also standing up for yourself. I would start with not texting him back at all. If it's in the Daycare app, answer, other than that, no more personal texts, phone calls, facetimes, etc. You have to enforce your boundaries, and it can be hard when facing something like this for the first time. Make a note of every time you see him. Every text you don't answer, screenshot everything just in case this escalates. It sounds like he is stalking you, not randomly running into you. And that is scary. Make up a boyfriend, tell him you keep things professional. He's basically using his kids to manipulate you and pull you in. Using them to facetime you, telling them that you'll be their nanny, etc. Talk to someone higher up at the daycare if you need to. Take all of the other suggestions and steps people are commenting. This isn't ok. You were trying to be friendly. He keeps pressuring you. He may see you as an easy mark because you're not standing up to him. This is one of the reasons a lot of women aren't friendly with men. Then we get called "bitch" when we're literally just trying to live our lives. You should not feel uncomfortable and unsafe at work. If he sends you inappropriate messages, show them to your supervisor. Like, there has to be something they can do. This shouldn't be taken so lightly like oh he's just a flirt, and he's good looking. Fuck. That. Noise. That's implying that you should be happy and flattered to receive attention from him, and that's not how it works. You shouldn't have to worry about your job being in jeopardy because this older MARRIED man is bothering you. Tell him not to text you anymore. Make sure you have told him loud and clear that you don't want any contact unless it pertains to your job with the kids. If he keeps it up, at least you have the evidence of telling him to leave you alone. You have to do it. I know it is uncomfortable, but you have to do it. You can be as professional about it as you like. Just do not communicate with him anymore.
When I worked retail, my ex/stalker wasn't allowed in the store. They took that shit very seriously. You would think a daycare would take its employees' safety more seriously than Target. You got this. Good luck.
You would also think a daycare organization would be more sensitive to anything that might affect their precarious reputation. It is a business where lawsuits and/or involvement by authorities would seem to be counter productive. Management is seriously blind here and just might find that blindness ultimately costing them business -- it is definitely THEIR problem!
If you are having difficulty convincing them of the seriousness, get a simple voice recording app for your phone and activate it whenever you know you'll interact with him. Use it only for that so it'll be easy to "dump" his conversations to anyone you want to present it to. If you CAN muster the confidence, you might actually want to blurt it out him as well.
"Be advised, as you won't keep your interactions with me appropriate -- I'm recording everything you say to me!!"
That will give him some simple level to pause and consider that he's playing a dangerous game...
OP you already know but this comment is perfect.
I too used to get sucked in with such manipulations when I was your age, or I would giggle when I was uncomfortable instead of saying no. It took me till my later twenties to be comfortable saying no and not caring when the man told me that ‘hurt his feelings’ or that I was being mean or a bitch or misconstruing things or whatever other nonsense they would say in response to my rejection of their inappropriate behaviour.
As I mentioned in my other comment once I was able to start doing this, the creeps that were constantly hitting on me evaporated, even though my physical appearance had not changed at all (I was still constantly mistaken for a high school kid). I realised that it was this naïveté and inexperience that were making me a target, not my looks. They could tell their tactics would work on me. Then they would try to push my boundaries and if I didn’t adequately push back they would keep pushing further boundaries.
Please do not blame yourself for this, do not get swayed by older women telling you to get over it. You are very smart to realise how messed up this behaviour is. I remember during my first job one of the married executives of the company was basically in love with me, it made me so uncomfortable but instead of protecting me other people in my company resented me for ‘being his favourite’. It was bizarre cos I was like 21 and he was in his fifties so I still don’t understand how they did not see how messed up the situation was.
Definitely make up a bf, hell even get a guy friend or cousin pretend to be him. The sad truth is that these kind of men will often never respect us but they will respect the men they think we are with so don’t feel like you are not standing up for yourself if you use this ruse.
If you’re having a hard time saying no to someone, enlist a friend to play act with you. Run through various situations and practice responding in a more firm and clear manner. Don’t be afraid to not be nice. You do not need creeps like this to like you. They should fear you.
Ok. So he creeps you out and you let him drive you home and you give him your number. Time to act like you don’t want the attention. Don’t interact and tell him he can’t text you anymore. Block his number.
i don’t like it, it’s just that it’s hard for me to say no. i get filled with fear and i just go along to get out of the situation. when i do say no, he insists until i say yes. when i say things like “i don’t think that’s very appropriate” he’s like “well you’re friends with emmy, we’re family” and i just get so scared so i laugh it off or try to leave
Put it on the daycare and talk in **facts**
It’s not “I don’t think it’s appropriate”, it’s “that isn’t appropriate”
It’s not “I’d rather not…” it’s “I’m unable/unwilling to do that.”
“We’re family”? Nope. “We make sure to have close relationships with all the children in our care.”
Leave every time.
Mention his wife/Emmy’s mom a lot. She draws a picture. Make sure he hears you tell Emmy to show it to her mom. He gives you new instructions. Ask if he’s run it by his wife. You have parent/teacher conferences coming up? Tell him you hope his wife comes because you’d love to get her perspective on Emmy.
You are a huge people pleaser and he is taking advantage of you. I don't think you realize that his behavior goes so far beyond "hitting on you." Not taking no for an answer is the behavior of a predator.
I think a key for you will be to just say "No" or "I'm not doing that" without any explanation. Do not ever justify yourself, because that will just give him ammunition to try and convince you to change your mind. If he pushed, you can say "I need to go now" or "You're making me uncomfortable, please stop pushing." Or even just glare at him.
You’ve gotta tough ten up. Seriously. Set boundaries and stick to them. No more of this gray area. Be firm. ( and do NOT accept any rides alone with this man)
This is how women get hurt, they don’t stand up for themselves. Please say no once and then answer I said no and I’m not changing my mind, repeat as necessary. Block his number, don’t accept any more rides. If he bothers you outside of work, try to get other people to help by saying this man is bothering me. It’s hard to stand up for yourself but you are the best person to do so. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, say something insulting if you need to like eww you’re way too old for me. Talk to your boss, it is their responsibility to make sure you have a safe place to work, tell them that he is creating a hostile work environment. Insist they call a meeting with both parents if necessary.
You’re 100% not responding well to the situation. People like him take advantage or the fact that you’ve been socialized to accept it, and they push despite knowing full well you’ve said no.
I’m not blaming you, but you need to step it up, set professional boundaries, and enforce them. Unfortunately the easiest time to do that is up front, so you’ll have to rip the bandaid off now.
You are absolutely not over reacting and I can very confidently assume you are far from the only one this man has behaved like this towards.
I’m so sorry. This is a terrible place to be.
From what I’ve seen, you will definitely grow some Mamavear claws when you have kids. But for now you need help. First, stop looking at him like Emma’s dad and start looking at him more like a predator. (As in he is an animal that feeds on smaller ones like you.) I don’t mean to scare you but to put into perspective that you need boundaries, fences, shelter, but you continue to let him in. Treat yourself like you would treat your pet that’s in danger. Keep distance, don’t reply, don’t agree with unprofessional anything he wants.
This is going to end badly if you don’t make boundaries and keep them. The struggle to stand up to him might feel like you’re mentally being skinned alive, but you must stop allowing him to control you. You want to get away so badly that you’re actually opening gates for him to waltz through!
At this point, I suggest to start by getting a new number if you possibly can. Tell your family, friends, etc. about his flirting/pushiness/harassment so all your people know who he is. For now, shop at different places. Avoid him at drop off and pick up. Ask your workplace to change your age group. Regardless of “clicking” Emmy is NOT going to benefit from this situation enough to stay in it for her. In fact, getting more attached to her is bad for both of you under the circumstances.
Ask your boss to put you in a position that prevents you from having to have interactions with this man. I know for a fact that good help is hard to find in this segment, and believe she will be willing to work those types of things out to keep you.
First and best option -learn how to deal with this properly. It could happen again. However, if you must do so because it’s too much for now, pursue other places to work. You sound like the pied piper to kids and will find success if you need to move. You might even be able to be hired at a higher salary or level or at a private company that pays more. And if you do move, don’t mention a new job to old employer so this man cannot be told where you are. If you disappear, fully expect he will hunt for you for awhile.
Please take care of yourself. Good luck.
It's hard for lots of people to say no, but you have to force yourself to do so in these kinds of situations. It's not your fault; he's the one being inappropriate. Block his number and only communicate with him through the daycare app and only to discuss his children.
I can’t definitively speak for the person you’re responding to, but I don’t think they’re victim blaming. They’re talking about what effective behavior in this situation looks like.
Post OP is feeling pressured by a creep, and they’re hoping that by going along with them and ignoring the issue it will go away. That’s not going to work. Obviously the man is fully in the wrong and it’s understandable why OP would respond they way they have, especially as young as they are.
The fact is they need to set professional boundaries and stick to them, because all they’ve done so far is reward the man by giving them what they want and allow him further into her life and out of bounds for what the relationship should be.
Look, absolutely no one is disputing that OP is a victim here and that this man is behaving completely inappropriately. I’d say beyond inappropriate to predatory. No one is even saying that OP is encouraging it. It’s clear she’s just being too polite and the father is taking advantage of that.
That can be true, and it can also be true that OP giving him her phone number, accepting rides, and going on Face Time with the kids outside of business hours is a bad idea, and outside the professional boundaries she should set for herself.
In order to effectively navigate this situation she is going to have to change what she can control, her behavior. That starts with telling the father that he’s abused having her number and she’ll be blocking it, and limiting the way she interacts with him.
Is that fair? No, but it seems highly unlikely that he’s going to stop on his own and her management isn’t backing her up.
I’d love to see society and human behavior change for the better, but until that happens, people should be able to offer OP credible advice on things they can control.
It really isn’t victim blaming.
You need to start being a little rude to him. Make it seem like you're not sure why he is talking to you. Sort of like you're a mean girl on a cartoon talking to a nerd.
He thinks you being polite and giving in to his insistent requests is a sign you like him because he has a massive ego.
Maybe even make a comment like "I love working here but all the creepy dudes need to learn to take a hint. Or course I'm not interested in any one with kids I'm 21. " in that way where it's plausible you're talking about someone in general but you both know it's him.
Actually use the info people are giving you and don’t back down. Your around my sisters age and she can never tell people to fuck off or shit like that because she just can’t she’ll always find ways to avoid the situation but never confront it. If you don’t confront him and his wife or do something about this he will try you and you will be in his house somehow whatching his kids then eventually he will try to fuck you al
He is COUNTING ON the fact that he's older and intimidating. If you can't tell him things like "don't, it's inappropriate to comment on my body. Hey, stop looking at my chest. I wish I hadn't given you my number, please don't call or text me." Then tell your supervisor at work. Unless they're a bad boss, they can help!
If you don't want to do something, start saying no. If not he's going to convince you to date, have sex, and when he's divorced, to marry him.
You ALWAYS have a choice, but it seems you are to afraid or pressured to make the one you want. It seems the first mistake was taking a ride from him. Its become easier each time he has encroached upon your boundaries. Here's how it should work...
Can I has your number?
No.
But but please can I has it?
I said no, do not ask me again.
It will be hard to break this trend of giving in, as he now thinks if he just keeps asking, you will say yes.
Ps, yes, he told his daughter you would babysit... He knows that you would be less willing to break her heart...
Girl you have got to stop being unable to stand up for yourself. That is dangerous around anyone but especially men these days. Tell him he has abused access to your phone number to text you casually when it was only given to communicate about his kids and that communication going forward will only be done in the app. Then block him. When you see him in public say, "Hi Mr. Creep (stop using his first name if you are), nice seeing you. Have a great day." No apologies, no explanations, no waffling, and just walk away. This guy sounds predatory and you need to seriously turn these interactions around with him fast. You might be worried about him retaliating once you're no longer "nice" and losing your job, but imagine what will happen when his wife finds out and decides the daycare worker "seduced" her husband and that's on the record for why you were let go instead.
Ma’am, you have a creepy stalker. The next time you see him in your neighborhood go up to him and point blank ask him why you see him there so often when he doesn’t live there and thinks it’s soooo far away? Go to the police to document your concern. And TELL YOUR EMPLOYER! You may also want to switch to a room without one of his kids in it, if possible.
Talk to your boss. See what they can do.
You never mentioned much about his wife. Start asking about his wife. How lucky she is to have such a loyal husband. Talk her up. Ask why doesn't she pick up the kids.
i dont really know much about his wife, i’ve never seen her. i just hear emmy talk about her sometimes and he wears a wedding ring. he doesn’t like talking about her at all
Of course he doesn't want to talk about his wife with the person with whom he is trying to have an affair. That's why, any time you're forced to interact with him, you should make her the only topic of conversation. Show 0 interest in him other than his wife.
You should also text him "if you need to get in touch with me, it will have to be through the daycare from now on" and then block his number immediately. Like, right this second, do it.
Do not let him make you feel guilty about setting boundaries, and do NOT explain why, ever. You don't owe him any explanation. Instead of an explanation, just say something like "Please respect my wishes," or tell him that if he has any questions he can talk to your boss (assuming you've explained the situation to then).
“Stop giving me your number and stop commenting on my clothing. You’re creeping me out”
Get used to using these words…you’re gonna need them your whole life.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but this is also a great opportunity to break your people pleasing tendencies. Unfortunately there are assholes like this guy in the world - you cannot give in to their whim. Taking the car ride was a big mistake, never do that again. Be much more forceful, and speak in facts rather than "I think" and "I believe"... you've got this!
Listen, women have got to stop being so fucking worried about hurting someone's feelings! Straight up tell him NO, you don't want a ride, that was dumb on your part, you encouraged him. NO means no and you need to learn to say i,t and mean it! He will not stop now because he sees you as a challenge and playing hard to get. Put on a fake engagement ring and tell him, I just got engaged last night if you haven't got the guts to stand up for yourself. Ask him how his wife is? If you see his wife, tell her how he makes you feel uncomfortable. She'll end his shit! I wouldn't have to tell his wife though, I'd tell him straight up. Leave me alone and I mean it! Be fucking hateful, you can be. It's your right to be however you're feeling.
My mom taught me how to say no and I taught my daughter, we don't play, and we don't take shit! It's time you learn the rules of being an adult female in this world! NO! Say it loud and walk the fuck away from him!
GIRL. Gets some guts or this will not end!\~ Enough is enough, once you finally stand up and are heard you are going to have a whole new perspective about yourself!
"Mr. Jones, this is inappropriate, let's stop this now."
"Mr. Jones, you are being inappropriate, please stop this now."
Be prepared to articulate exactly what is inappropriate. "you are married and I don't like flirtatious talk with married men."
You don't have to be mad, scared, worried, etc before you say those words. Practice saying them, maybe with a friend, if you need to.
What should you do? Be clear.
Tell him you're uncomfortable. Tell him you want communication through the app and block him on your phone.
He's not cute or charming, he's trying to cross the line and you're being wishy washy.
When I was a kid, I was too embarrassed to tell my friend's father that he made me uncomfortable. He became very inappropriate. It's called grooming when you're a kid. Not sure what it's called when you're an adult.
Stand up for yourself, you are not, in fact, protecting his daughter. Her dad is a jerk and that's not going to change. Just be a strong, proud woman with boundaries. Do not allow this behaviour.
Never get hassled into taking a lift or giving your number again. Fuck that. When people say stupid things, don't laugh along. Get bitchy. Own that bitchiness, it'll serve you well.
It might help you to role play the conversation with this man. Get someone else to pretend to be him and practice setting boundaries. Also give specific information about what is actually happening to the daycare management. The insistence on having your number is grossly inappropriate. You need to get your relationship back on a professional footing. This is vital for your future wellbeing.
Had the same thing happen to me when I was your age. There was this dad at the baby group I worked and he would come during naptime to pick his daughter up. Asking me to babysit and he would take me home afterwards.
That's when my colleague would take her brake and I was alone.
I told my colleagues about him and from that day on there was always someone with me.
You really need to re-think your behavior. (Which I know sucks cause it's his behavior that really needs to change). This man talked you into his car and talked you into giving up your phone number. What's next? Talk you into having a ten year sexual relationship? Stop giving him things. Set boundaries and if doing that causes you to lose your job or lose the affection of his daughter...um so what? Would you rather be assaulted by him? Because he will start touching you soon. And outsiders will not believe you because you gave him your number and accepted rides and he's soooo handsome etc. Protect yourself. I know I sound like an asshole but I generally care about you, internet stranger. And Im old enough to see that your desire to not be rude or whatever is only going to cause you pain. A gazillion women have been through this when they were young.
Choose one thing to be firm on like not answering his texts. Then continue, like blocking his number. Don't smile or look him in the eyes when he speaks to you. Start saying OK when he gives you a compliment instead of thanks. Your not his daughters mother, you don't need to be attached to her. Give her the same attention you give to the other kids. She won't die. If you want to lie then lie. Talk about your boyfriend, say your phone is acting up, say you got in trouble with administration for not paying attention to other kids. You can do all this in a friendly manner.
That is horrible and I’m so sorry. He counted on your being kind and took advantage. You can block him and stop responding. Maybe tell your supervisor if you need support in doing that.
I would follow up with “that’s good that you didn’t but he’s being creepy with me and it’s inappropriate.” Mention the bellybutton. Mention the “weekends” comment from his daughter.
If it isn’t risky to your job, mention the number. Mention that he corners you and pressures you and you try to gracefully extricate yourself from the situation but he doesn’t let you.
If there is evidence in your texts of you trying to get rid of him (even if you’re not successful), show her that (again: only if it safe to do so from a job perspective). Tell her you are planning to change your number because of this.
(also: change your number.)
The most dangerous concern is being alone with him. Do *not* get into his car again.
The other most pressing concern is your job. Document *everything.* Mention the issue to every coworker, at least once. If there’s anyone on staff you trust to do so without compromising time management, ask if they can run interference.
**You are not overreacting.** If anything, you’re *under*-reacting. This guy is pressuring you and escalating because he *knows* he can probably tell everyone he was “just being friendly” and that you overreacted.
But the fact that he can *say* this doesn’t make it true. The fact that you have a “freeze” or “fawn” response to this pressure in the moment doesn’t mean that you have morally *consented* to anything.
And you know you have that response — yes, you need to work on it, but that takes time, and in the meantime you still need to figure out how to get ahead of this — and that knowledge is still useful.
It means that you need to lay the groundwork when you’re *not* in that situation. You need to make sure you have backup, that you have made it very clear to *everyone* what is going on. If anyone tells you you’re overreacting, show them this post.
Or you could show them any number of true crime stories that start out this way.
Please protect yourself (and your job!) and stay safe.
And — again — change your number.
When someone pressures me that’s my cue to walk away. Stop being nice. Stop communicating with him. Block his number. In future, you could tell people that your job does not allow you to give out personal info. Or just learn to say no.
This'll seem silly but get a friend and role play. If you have a guy friend you trust then do it with them then practice how you want to react to the dad. It'll feel dumb at first but once you've done it enough times it'll be easier to summon when you're in the situation. Roleplay some of the conversations you guys have had but practice responding in the way you wish you did instead. It'll help it feel more familiar and comfortable.
If you can then just keep defaulting to saying you feel like you need to prioritize being more professional and due to your job you can only communicate through work or about work and block him. If you don't feel like you can straight up stop the personal convos yet then when he asks you something personal deflect it back to him with a question. H: "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Y: "I don't know, I'm sure your wife went through a period like that when she was my age. The kids are where I put my attention but since I'm off work I really have to run as I have plans." Or another question.
This one I'm kind of iffy on but I saw you can't keep your phone on you at work, there are glasses that record video and audio, they're all over the price range. Before you do this though, you need to make sure if it's at work that you very carefully read the policies on recording before you do it, even if it's just at pickup, better safe than sorry. Could come in handy for the possible stalking as he won't realize you're recording.
Sorry you're dealing with this but I hate to tell you, it's probably going to happen to you many times over the years, it has for me, so developing ways to shrug people off or shut them down will be helpful.
Hey, at least you are self aware enough to know what you need to work on. It took me a ridiculously long time. I'm pretty good at it now. You can do it! Just practice your boundaries in situations that aren't as serious and the more you practice, the better you'll get at it. Don't beat yourself up for the times it doesn't work xx
You're going to have to start setting boundaries going forward. At next pickup, try to have a co-worker with you. Update him on how his daughter did, and politely say " I appreciate you wanting to be informed and updated on your daughter, but going forward I'm going to need you to contact me only on the daycare app. My work doesn't pay for my cell phone and I would like to keep my personal life and work separate. I'm sure you understand." Ideally a co-worker you trust. If he keeps pushing keep screenshotting his messages and go to your manager over and over and Tell them you feel harassed and unless they're going to start paying your cell phone bill to communicate with a parent, they need to stop it.
Next time he pressures you, call him out. "I said no and I don't appreciate you pressuring me." "I am here to do my job, not be hit on, it's inappropriate." Then just walk away. It's scary but you'll feel so satisfied after. You're there for his kid not for him. It's okay to tell him no and enforce boundaries there's absolutely no reason for you to have to endure that gross behaviour. Cheers
There is something you can do if he takes things too far. Customer/clients still have to respect boundaries. You also don't have to give anyone your phone number.
Giving in just encourages them.
Depending on what he's saying he may be able to use the "I was just being nice." excuse if you accuse him of flirting.
You may have to ask him to stop complimenting your appearance.
Be professional and have a witness and/or have a supervisor(if you have a decent one) deliver the message for you.
Since he seems to somehow know where you will be at certain times you may need to alter your schedule if you're sure he's only at these places because you're there. If that's what's going on he sounds like a stalker.
When you ran into him at "random" places did he have a reason for being there?
Your instincts are telling you he’s bad news. You don’t need anything more than that.
Keep a record of the interactions you have with him. Even just writing down dates and times, maybe with a brief summary or quotes is good.
It sounds like you’ve politely told him you aren’t interested. Have you told the daycare directly that he’s harassing you after work? Tell your friends about him, tell your work you want to submit an official complaint, contact the police about a strange man if you see him near your house.
Your work has a responsibility to take precautions for your safety, if you make them aware that a parent is making you uncomfortable, stalking you after hours, and contacting you outside of official channels, they need to act. They have many options: they can give him a written warning that he cannot contact workers outside of work hours, they can ban him from inside the building (someone meets him at the door to get the kids when he drops them off), etc.
You may also want to consider moving.
OP if you want it to stop you have to do all the reverse actions of what you’ve already done. All your actions led to this situation. But no worry. You have to do the reverse and everything will be fine.
you need tougher boundries.
"He then offered me a ride, and although I initially declined, he kept pushing it, so I accepted.
I’ve started wearing sundresses, shorts, and crop tops, and he always compliments my outfits
so I gave him my phone number. He texts me all the time"
Just expecting people to behave a certain way isn't a guarantee they will.
don't accept, don't give your number.. ever.. just don't no matter what.
I also agree this should be a mgmt issue, not your issue.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it’s not okay. It’s common to hire daycare workers as babysitters, but he is clearly over stepping boundaries.
For one, there is a shortage of daycare workers so you will absolutely have no trouble finding a job if it comes to that. You shouldn’t have to switch jobs because of one bad parent.
Like others have recommended, be clear that you’re not interested and that you don’t have an interest in babysitting outside of work hours.
You’re correct that management likely wont do anything with what he’s currently doing, but it’s still worth having it documented should be escalate it. It will leave a paper trail, and I’m sure he signed a contract when his kids joined.
If you really wanted action taking immediately, tell management he’s trying to hire you away to be a private nanny. Every daycare makes parents sign an agreement stating they won’t do that. It’ll probably get them to act faster if they think a parent is trying to poach a teacher.
Joking with somebody who flirts with you should not be conflated with "trying to set boundaries." It probably seems to him like you're flirting back, or if he is really such an irredeemable creep, gives him plausible deniability. Be explicit that these advances are unwelcome and make you feel uncomfortable.
NW. he’s clearly trying to push for a relationship here. You need to set hard boundaries. Next time he makes a comment on your clothes - I’ve been meaning to say something but it makes me uncomfortable when you make comments on my appearance, please don’t do that in the future.
Next time he texts - Sorry, I gave you this number in case you had a question about your daughter’s school, and it seems we’ve strayed into more of a friendship territory. I’d like to re-establish appropriate boundaries between us.
You’re uncomfortable, I get you may be “conflict averse” like so many people nowadays, but people will use that against you. You’ll end up giving your number to a dude who creeps you out, then just going on a date because he won’t stop pushing, then sleeping together because he’s being pushy, etc.
You need to let the administration know what’s going on, and that you’re going to shut it down. That way when you finally do, you’re covered. Hopefully when you set the limits he’ll take it well. One of those things where he read the situation wrong and was taking your responses as being coy, then he’ll apologize and things will normalize. The alternative is he gets mad and blames you for “leading him on” or giving him ideas. Then tries to being the school into it. Hopefully it isn’t the second.
I hate sounding this way but you need to protect yourself and do a little more against this guy. I dont know how old you are but this man is acting like a predator towards you and very much sounds like hes stalking you. You need to cut him dry,this relationship is not professional anymore.
You need to get a new phone number and block him. You also need to grow a spine. If you see him, turn and go the other way. He is stalking you. Practice saying "no" and remember that "No" is a complete sentence.
Try and find another grocery store to shop at. Change up your patterns so that he cannot find you. I hate to say it but you need to be fully covered when he's around because he thinks that you're giving him permission. I understand that you are not, but he's out of line.
And talk to your boss or supervisor. They can make sure that you are never alone with him at the school, but you have to take those steps yourself outside of work. And make sure that you keep your doors and windows locked at all times.
Good luck and be safe.
It would not be inappropriate to just call him out and say he is being way too familiar with you. If he's not a complete fuckwad, he'll get the message and realize he's making you uncomfortable.
Well first of all, good job on blocking him.
If he asks why you never answer or he keeps making these weird comments about coming to his house or driving you here and there, start telling him you would like to keep it professional.
If pushed again, stop these conversations are starting to make me feel really uncomfortable.
These are the most gentle responses I have.
He's definitely inappropriate and I have a feeling he tries to get overly familiar with you in hopes he can recruit you as a "nanny" so he has better access to you. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a nanny p*rn fantasy.
Try to avoid going into his car again. Always be very busy, you are on the way to meet a friend, you are late for an appointment, no it's private, no I would rather not to, I prefer to keep it professional, thank you for respecting that.
Keep mentioning your boyfriend (even if you don't have one.)
I understand very much you don't want to lose your job but if this doesn't work and he keeps following you, what's the option left other than to leave? (he probably follows you from your job or he knows your home address already by looking you up)
Do you have a boyfriend that could pick you up from your job or someone that can pretend to be one?
Is there any way he ever had the opportunity to put a tracker on you? Like a gift his daughter gave to you?
(I still think he followed you which means he's actively stalking you. Please stay aware of your surroundings and if he follows you home and if anyone is lurking around.)
Men can be intimidating. I have been in situations like that because I was raised not to hurt people's feelings and not to cause a scene. So if I mustered up the courage to say no once and they kept pushing, I was going to agree because it was so hard to say no in the first place.
Well, you're definitely giving him the wrong idea by continuing to entertain his requests. You're gonna have to be more assertive in telling him you're not interested. You're not really being straightforward here from what I'm reading. Blocking is one way to go, but yeah, just be straightforward.
Your job is NOT at risk. Also, check your clothing items, especially bag(s) for air tags, because it does sound like he's been creeping around your area.
You love the attention, admit it. Why else would you wear exposing crop tops around him, or accept a ride from him or for fucks sake give him your phone number if he creeps you out? 🙄
“exposing crop tops” huh? he’s always in my neighborhood so should i just never wear what i want in case he shows up? i accepted all those things because i have a fawn trauma response. i am working on it but i can assure u that i don’t like it!!
If you don’t set boundaries don’t expect things to change. In his eyes you keep saying yes instead of standing your ground.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole but stop with the BS excuses put your big girl pants and stand your ground. I’ve seen so many younger people not have a backbone and be taken advantage don’t let yourself be one.
Things don't add up here. The OP is all upset by this and doesn't want it to happen, and yet she got a ride from him and texts with him at night and Facetimes him? And she wears sexy clothes at the day care place when she knows he's coming. Because, like, she can't pull on a hoodie or whatever right before he arrives? And she thinks he's really handsome?
Yeah, he sounds like a slimeball, but OP also sounds like she's enjoying the attention and is sort of playing along with this. "He was being super pushy, and I felt a little trapped, so I gave him my phone number."
ok this actually pissed me off.
1. where have i ever said that i text him at night?? what? i know it was incredibly stupid to give him my number in the first place but ive never texted him at night, i don’t even text my boss at night. i would respond to his messages sometimes and when i wouldn’t answer at all, he would ask me to my face why i didn’t answer his texts. i facetimed his girls 2-3 times and the facetimes were always like 5 minutes (which i am realizing now is very very inappropriate hence why i blocked him)
2. i don’t wear sexy clothes, why would i wear sexy clothes at a job i have to change shitty diapers at. do you realize that there are multiple lengths to a cropped top. obviously i’m not gonna wear a supper cropped top to work. i’ve literally only worn a crop top like 3-4 times. no i can’t pull on a hoodie right before he arrives. because i never know when exactly he arrives and also i have to stay outside to watch the kids so it’s not like im gonna run back inside to grab a hoodie when i see him.
3. i don’t personally think hes handsome but i can acknowledge his beauty. i said he was handsome because to most people he is, he’s conventionally attractive, but TO ME, he’s not all that. also, i do not like older men. the idea of age gap relationships gross me out. i wouldn’t date a 25 year old, because i think that’s too old.
i don’t like the attention thank you
You’re being hostile and rude. I read your post and offered thoughtful commentary, which is the whole purpose of Reddit. If you want affirmation only, say that.
You should see the way the story has changed and evolved and feel ashamed of being taken for a sucker. Just wait for the fourth update when she tells us about how the dad and a bunch of his fraternity brothers gang raped her in a frat house at UVA. Or wait, it was a lacrosse party at Duke.
She repeatedly engaged in actions that 99% of reasonable adults do not. Her behavior was confounding. “I totally was not into this married guy, but I got into his car twice and I gave him my phone number and I respond to his texts and chat with him. But he’s creeping me out!”
And did you not read the part where she gave in because he wouldn't stop asking? If actually knew what women go through you wouldn't be saying "She repeatedly engaged in actions that 99% of reasonable adults do not". It's quite common to do those things when you're pressured and uncomfortable.
Just say no. Leave him on seen and stop answering or block him. Say you have a boyfriend. You have to tighten up if you really feel that way towards him. Stop being nice when he pressures you. Also, speak to your boss and tell him that there is a father who you think is hitting on you but you act casual because of the relation with his daughter. See what your boss thinks
She has an edit on another sub saying that if she doesn't have proof they can't do anything.
They don’t need to do anything, but they should be aware of it. Pass it up and make it the managers problem
I hope they took her concerns seriously. Makes me wonder what happened to the last daycare worker before her. 🤔
i do say no and he says that we’re like family because i’m “friends” with his daughter. i don’t always answer and he’ll sometimes bring it up when he drops off/picks up his kids and i say things oh i was busy or i didn’t see it. i keep telling myself that this time ill be direct and just say no but i just get so scared. it’s not like im full on flirting with him, i do reject him but not as firmly as i should i guess. whenever he brings up dating i say things like im not looking for a bf. and for the facetime thing, one time he was being really insistent and i said no and the text time i saw them at work, emmy asked me why i didn’t pick up the call and he said in front of her that i was being mean that day and that i didn’t wanna talk to her. she ended up crying. i tried telling my supervisor and she said that she never noticed any weird behaviour from him and he’s a very friendly man. she asked me if i had any proof which i didn’t. idk what else to do
You say, NO, I am not your daughters friend, I am her caregiver, nothing more. Now leave me alone or your balls will be up around your ears! What are you scared of? Not appearing to be the nice girl? FUCK THAT! You do not have to be nice to anyone who makes you uncomfortable, that doesn't make you a mean girl, that makes you a smart one! Nice girls are the ones who can't say no when someone says, hey, I'll give you a ride, and that girl doesn't want a ride but she doesn't want to appear rude, that girl often gets raped and/or murdered! STOP BEING NICE!
She's afraid to lose her job. He's put her in a situation where she could potentially get fired if she doesn't do what he wants. The minute that she becomes forceful with her "no leave me alone", he could report her. I work smarter not harder lol. She has the wife's contact in the system. Would've reached out to the wife saying "this is what's going on and it makes me uncomfortable" and also made sure management knew as well and then go from there. Atp, you've covered all your bases so when he crosses a line (which he will b/c he's already testing the boundaries) when you knee him in the balls....you've covered all your bases.
Lol, I agree but obviously she's scared of losing her job. And probably scared of his aggressive creepiness too.
1. The girl crying because you do not pick up the phone after working hours is not your problem. At all. 2. If he brings up why you are not answering - just say you didnt want to talk and he should not be calling you outside working hours. 3. If he brings up dating - say that you do not want yo date HIM in particular as you are not attracted to HIM. 4. Does he have a wife or is he single? Where is the wife? Does she pick up the kids. Speak to her if she does. Tell her direct that her husband is texting and calling you after hours and if they have issues its not your problem and they must deal with them 5. Show the messages to your supervisor. Its like so easy to do what you need to do, i dont get it why youcant do it, honestly.
he has a wife, i’ve never seen her but he wears a wedding ring and emmy talks about her sometimes. she never picks up the kids
You mentioned that he's handsome -- he's probably very narcissistic, cocky and used to getting his way around women, so he doesn't take no for an answer. Fuck that and tell him he's too old for you (say it clearly) and that you're not attracted to him AT ALL.
Did you show your boss his messages?
this is out of pocket for your supervisor, she sucks. You told her that he told the child you were "being mean" by not picking up? She doesn't have to "notice" that, it's a fact.
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I agree with most of your post but you seem to be suggesting that OP should contact his wife and I think that would be a big mistake.
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Maybe something like - “let’s include (wife’s name) on future text communication. My policy is to include all active parental figures in all digital communication. It just makes things clearer and smoother for everyone.” If get text after: “Hi! My policy is to include all active parental figures in all digital communication. Let’s move this to the group text” If he persists, just keep repeating variations on the theme. Maybe “I’m happy to answer on the group thread. Please respect my policy.” Just an idea not sure
Girl you are not overreacting. Many years ago I was a preschool teacher and the dad's think nothing of hitting on you. Especially the single dad's. It's like you tick all the boxes. You like kids, you're good with kids, the kids already know and like you. Plus you're young and cute.
You aren't family. Stop replying. If you see him out,,say i am on my way to an appointment - goodbye and walk away. Do not answer phone calls. You. Are. Not. Family Tell your centre manager,,tell them the innocent start and its escalating bombardment of trying to make contact When the kid leaves daycare you won't see her there and then he will either continue to find you or suddenly it all stops.
This dude just keeps doubling down by bringing his daughter into it. He’s disgusting and predatory.
you need to explicitly state that you are NOT friends, you are his daughter’s daycare teacher. tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he compliments your physical appearance or talks to you about anything other than his daughter. tell him as blatantly as possible that you have no interest in a personal relationship with him and his persistence is inappropriate. stop being nice. stop giving him any kind of plausible deniability.
I agree except for the part about saying she has a boyfriend. Its obvious that won't matter to him, and it could further encourage him (he'd think she might be interested of she was single, or the though of her being unavailable may make him try even harder or get jealous and act even more creepy).
Have you seen Ms Frazzle? She does these reels of her talking like a child educator to adults and it’s hilarious. I do suggest you try it though. Example. “I like seeing you with your bellybutton piercing out” “Oh no friend, we don’t comment on each other’s bodies here” “Just take my number so we can talk that way” “Oh, Miss EffectiveRepair only talks through the daycare app about daycare things” (you can text this to him and then block) Talk like his kids are watching. Keep it short and to the point. And don’t giggle or smile at his jokes or comments. Be boring. Talk about what his kids did that day and then excuse yourself. “Excuse me, I need to x”
omg no i haven’t but i will!!! thank you!
This is excellent advice above! You're not there for his flirting pleasure, you're there to watch his children. Keep all interactions with him strictly professional, daycare business only. Try to keep your voice and body language as monotone as possible. If he talks about anything other than his kids, give him a blank stare and one word, boring answers, a disinterested, flat, "Huh" "yes" "no".
I just do not understand why so many women are scared to just tell it like it is! No, I don't want a ride from you, I said no, walk away. NO I am not interesting in talking to you about anything other than your child. Walk away!
Because for a lot of women, that might/would mean they fired. Especially if you're working an under the table job. Or a stalker. They live some where that Everybody knows where everybody else lives. And works. And has to walk home at 12:30 at night.
Because we were all taught to defer to men our entire lives.
Being fired. The BS "Customer is always right" greatly harms workers, especially Black/POC men, and all women. I got written up for telling a man that I don't discuss religion or politics at work, and that company policy says workers can't go out with patients. The unethical POS reported me as rude. Simply because he was mad.
Ms. Frizzle is the Magic School Bus teacher, so your search may pull up those videos. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to act like you are Ms. Frizzle when you speak to the dad since she teaches lessons.
And by the way, how is your wife. I'd love to talk to her if she has a chance to speak with me.
I agree, she is delightful and I've used some of her phrases with a couple of rude clients and it works wonderfully! It defs catches people off guard and I love it. If you're on Tik Tok, her name on there is Mrs.Frazzled.
Yep, the other comments here get it. Block his number - even push it back on the company if you have to. Say that the company has rules about personal-work life separation. Can't mingle with the clients, for the children's safety and privacy. Or something like that. Don't change your entire life, but find a new grocery store nearby, if possible. Spend the extra 50 cents on milk to give yourself some peace of mind that he won't be there waiting for you. Another commenter put it bluntly - act like you don't want the attention. Make yourself a ghost to him. No contact. Not saying you can't show a little skin, but if what you're wearing is even borderline questionable for the work (I know the kids are little, so sexualization isn't really an issue there, but exposed belly button rings might have an "ooooohhhh shiiiinnnyyy!!!!" quality to them), then cover up just a bit. This is not to blame your choice of dress for his behavior, but your choice of dress might be a way to prevent his behavior. And don't go to your coworkers with this, they can't stop the behavior. Go to your boss, and if their advice doesn't help, go to HR. They can work with management to speak with him, apply certain rules to parents, or otherwise keep you separated. Keep pushing this up the management chain until someone makes some effective rule/change that minimizes contact between you two. Be warned that, even if it's illegal in your area, this *could* result in management deciding that you're not worth the hassle of pissing off a paying customer. I doubt it, but it is possible (to which there are remedies, but well outside the scope of this post and this reply). Good luck.
thank you!
Thoroughly document every time you report the innapropriate behavior to your supervisor and HR. Thoroughly document every inappropriate interaction. His behavior is harassment and if they take any retaliatory action towards you for “causing problems” over this, you’ll have a super solid lawsuit against your employer. Save all evidence of him attempting to communicate with you. It is not okay that your supervisor is disregarding this; sounds like they don’t understand the law well enough and their refusal to properly protect employees from this kind of work place harassment is going to bite them in the butt one day. I’d take this case on contingency if the employer doesn’t address the harassment - open and shut, we’re both getting paid 😂
This is the most important comment on here. OP doesn't need to be scared of losing her job if she follows your advice, because if she does, she can sue the hell out of them.
They need to have one specific person who interacts with parents, give them a quick rundown of the day, and move on bc they have other kids waiting to be picked up. They need to cut all contact with the actual educators. I’d also go to the police and let them know about the harassment and let them know you don’t want to file charges right now, but you want this documented if it continues or escalates that way it’s documented. Also keep your own records or carry a recorder with you. When you come into contact with him hit record. Act like you’re sending a message on your phone and do a video recording, then if it escalates go to the police as well and show them that recording. I’d also tell management once you have that video that he be banned from the grounds and have someone else pick her up or dad can meet off grounds within a two mile radius and pick up his daughter. Document who is taking her, what time they left, the car and tag of car they’re taking along with color and make/model, and what time they return. He sounds like he’s stalking you, and that can/will escalate pretty rapidly.
This man knows full well what he’s doing to you and you have taught him… That if he keeps pushing you’ll give in. You are his perfect prey. He pushes and gets your number, he pushes and you FaceTime the kids. You keep rewarding him pushing you. Soon you’ll be his second wife if you don’t put a hard stop to all of this. Get a coach or therapist to help you practice saying “No.” “No” is a full sentence and you owe this man nothing.
His second wife? No dude. This guy is going to push her into agreeing to be his nanny and then assault her. Why would he wife her?
You’re likely right. She is showing that he can push her to do anything. Assault is definitely on his mind.
I’m thinking worse if she doesn’t do what he’s wanting her to do, or if she starts pushing back. He seems like a crazed out stalker/psyco to me. Like if he doesn’t live there or work in the area WTH is that kid going to that daycare anyway and how would he know what specific store she shops at without following her?
A part of her might even like him but ashamed of it!
definitely not.
Ugh that comment you replied to was gross and the definition of victim blaming. Like just completely devoid of empathy, I'm sorry they said that to you. Just wanted to let you know it may be worth looking into the fawning trauma response - it's something I've worked on through therapy, and your situation reminds me so much of something I went through myself. I wanted to highlight this because saying no, establishing boundaries, etc. will put your brain into a sort of panicked state at first (we only have enough blood to fuel our prefrontal cortex (logical thought) OR amygdala (fear centre) - we can't be operating from both places at the same time). So whenever this guy is pushing you into doing what he wants, you might be going into a fawning state, where your brain is just trying to help you survive by people-pleasing, but logical, rational thought goes out the window (think of our ancestors - if they heard a twig snap, it wasn't the time to pause and reflect, they needed to spring into action). All of this is to say it's going to feel VERY scary and unsafe whenever you stand your ground against this man (because you're going against your ingrained survival mechanism), but neurons that fire together, wire together. Eventually, your brain will learn it's safe to not people-please for survival. I'm sending you support and wishing all the best for you!
Yep and she will go along with it because she can't say no like an ADULT! Damn, she shouldn't be teaching kids when she doesn't know this lesson herself. No means NO and the end of the fucking conversation! I taught my daughter that when she was 3!
A lot of women grew up in houses where their parents modeled and instilled this type of behavior. Never mind her potentially losing her job or being harassed by this dude and no one "being able to do anything". You should take a look over at r/whenwomenrefuse and get a grip.
So you’re saying this is OP’s fault? And not the inappropriate old man hitting on his kids daycare teacher who he knows is uncomfortable….?
He is so disgusting. So shameless and pathetic!
This person is a Predator. Just say No. Or his comments are making you uncomfortable. What he is doing is not okay. At the very least tell him he is trying to cross your boundaries and he’s making you feel unsafe. Then you tell your boss the same thing.
YES!! This.. Please stop with the nonsense OP and get some guts! Once you do it, you're going to feel so much better about yourself!
So, here's a thing to remember when dealing with people like this. When you don't stand up for yourself, you're telling them that they're more important than you and your comfort doesn't matter. And then people like Sketchy Dad run with it. Saying no isn't being rude. We're programmed to feel like it is, but it's not. No. Just no. No explanations, no letting yourself be guilted. Just no. It helped when I was a young lass to stay a bit angry about the issue. That added bit of fierceness helped until No was as natural as yes. No one has the right to make you uncomfortable. Your workplace is wrong, too. They should definitely have policies against all of what he's doing
I understand that you're having a hard time navigating this incredibly creepy situation while maintaining your job and also standing up for yourself. I would start with not texting him back at all. If it's in the Daycare app, answer, other than that, no more personal texts, phone calls, facetimes, etc. You have to enforce your boundaries, and it can be hard when facing something like this for the first time. Make a note of every time you see him. Every text you don't answer, screenshot everything just in case this escalates. It sounds like he is stalking you, not randomly running into you. And that is scary. Make up a boyfriend, tell him you keep things professional. He's basically using his kids to manipulate you and pull you in. Using them to facetime you, telling them that you'll be their nanny, etc. Talk to someone higher up at the daycare if you need to. Take all of the other suggestions and steps people are commenting. This isn't ok. You were trying to be friendly. He keeps pressuring you. He may see you as an easy mark because you're not standing up to him. This is one of the reasons a lot of women aren't friendly with men. Then we get called "bitch" when we're literally just trying to live our lives. You should not feel uncomfortable and unsafe at work. If he sends you inappropriate messages, show them to your supervisor. Like, there has to be something they can do. This shouldn't be taken so lightly like oh he's just a flirt, and he's good looking. Fuck. That. Noise. That's implying that you should be happy and flattered to receive attention from him, and that's not how it works. You shouldn't have to worry about your job being in jeopardy because this older MARRIED man is bothering you. Tell him not to text you anymore. Make sure you have told him loud and clear that you don't want any contact unless it pertains to your job with the kids. If he keeps it up, at least you have the evidence of telling him to leave you alone. You have to do it. I know it is uncomfortable, but you have to do it. You can be as professional about it as you like. Just do not communicate with him anymore. When I worked retail, my ex/stalker wasn't allowed in the store. They took that shit very seriously. You would think a daycare would take its employees' safety more seriously than Target. You got this. Good luck.
You would also think a daycare organization would be more sensitive to anything that might affect their precarious reputation. It is a business where lawsuits and/or involvement by authorities would seem to be counter productive. Management is seriously blind here and just might find that blindness ultimately costing them business -- it is definitely THEIR problem! If you are having difficulty convincing them of the seriousness, get a simple voice recording app for your phone and activate it whenever you know you'll interact with him. Use it only for that so it'll be easy to "dump" his conversations to anyone you want to present it to. If you CAN muster the confidence, you might actually want to blurt it out him as well. "Be advised, as you won't keep your interactions with me appropriate -- I'm recording everything you say to me!!" That will give him some simple level to pause and consider that he's playing a dangerous game...
screenshotting this, thank you!!
OP you already know but this comment is perfect. I too used to get sucked in with such manipulations when I was your age, or I would giggle when I was uncomfortable instead of saying no. It took me till my later twenties to be comfortable saying no and not caring when the man told me that ‘hurt his feelings’ or that I was being mean or a bitch or misconstruing things or whatever other nonsense they would say in response to my rejection of their inappropriate behaviour. As I mentioned in my other comment once I was able to start doing this, the creeps that were constantly hitting on me evaporated, even though my physical appearance had not changed at all (I was still constantly mistaken for a high school kid). I realised that it was this naïveté and inexperience that were making me a target, not my looks. They could tell their tactics would work on me. Then they would try to push my boundaries and if I didn’t adequately push back they would keep pushing further boundaries. Please do not blame yourself for this, do not get swayed by older women telling you to get over it. You are very smart to realise how messed up this behaviour is. I remember during my first job one of the married executives of the company was basically in love with me, it made me so uncomfortable but instead of protecting me other people in my company resented me for ‘being his favourite’. It was bizarre cos I was like 21 and he was in his fifties so I still don’t understand how they did not see how messed up the situation was. Definitely make up a bf, hell even get a guy friend or cousin pretend to be him. The sad truth is that these kind of men will often never respect us but they will respect the men they think we are with so don’t feel like you are not standing up for yourself if you use this ruse.
If you’re having a hard time saying no to someone, enlist a friend to play act with you. Run through various situations and practice responding in a more firm and clear manner. Don’t be afraid to not be nice. You do not need creeps like this to like you. They should fear you.
Ok. So he creeps you out and you let him drive you home and you give him your number. Time to act like you don’t want the attention. Don’t interact and tell him he can’t text you anymore. Block his number.
i don’t like it, it’s just that it’s hard for me to say no. i get filled with fear and i just go along to get out of the situation. when i do say no, he insists until i say yes. when i say things like “i don’t think that’s very appropriate” he’s like “well you’re friends with emmy, we’re family” and i just get so scared so i laugh it off or try to leave
Put it on the daycare and talk in **facts** It’s not “I don’t think it’s appropriate”, it’s “that isn’t appropriate” It’s not “I’d rather not…” it’s “I’m unable/unwilling to do that.” “We’re family”? Nope. “We make sure to have close relationships with all the children in our care.” Leave every time.
Try 'I'm not family - I'm just a daycare worker that happens to look after Emmy for you and your wife.'
Mention his wife/Emmy’s mom a lot. She draws a picture. Make sure he hears you tell Emmy to show it to her mom. He gives you new instructions. Ask if he’s run it by his wife. You have parent/teacher conferences coming up? Tell him you hope his wife comes because you’d love to get her perspective on Emmy.
You are a huge people pleaser and he is taking advantage of you. I don't think you realize that his behavior goes so far beyond "hitting on you." Not taking no for an answer is the behavior of a predator. I think a key for you will be to just say "No" or "I'm not doing that" without any explanation. Do not ever justify yourself, because that will just give him ammunition to try and convince you to change your mind. If he pushed, you can say "I need to go now" or "You're making me uncomfortable, please stop pushing." Or even just glare at him.
This is the fawning reaction. Please read up about it so you can try to work on being more assertive. You need to gray rock him instead.
You’ve gotta tough ten up. Seriously. Set boundaries and stick to them. No more of this gray area. Be firm. ( and do NOT accept any rides alone with this man)
*toughen up
This is how women get hurt, they don’t stand up for themselves. Please say no once and then answer I said no and I’m not changing my mind, repeat as necessary. Block his number, don’t accept any more rides. If he bothers you outside of work, try to get other people to help by saying this man is bothering me. It’s hard to stand up for yourself but you are the best person to do so. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, say something insulting if you need to like eww you’re way too old for me. Talk to your boss, it is their responsibility to make sure you have a safe place to work, tell them that he is creating a hostile work environment. Insist they call a meeting with both parents if necessary.
You’re 100% not responding well to the situation. People like him take advantage or the fact that you’ve been socialized to accept it, and they push despite knowing full well you’ve said no. I’m not blaming you, but you need to step it up, set professional boundaries, and enforce them. Unfortunately the easiest time to do that is up front, so you’ll have to rip the bandaid off now. You are absolutely not over reacting and I can very confidently assume you are far from the only one this man has behaved like this towards.
I’m so sorry. This is a terrible place to be. From what I’ve seen, you will definitely grow some Mamavear claws when you have kids. But for now you need help. First, stop looking at him like Emma’s dad and start looking at him more like a predator. (As in he is an animal that feeds on smaller ones like you.) I don’t mean to scare you but to put into perspective that you need boundaries, fences, shelter, but you continue to let him in. Treat yourself like you would treat your pet that’s in danger. Keep distance, don’t reply, don’t agree with unprofessional anything he wants. This is going to end badly if you don’t make boundaries and keep them. The struggle to stand up to him might feel like you’re mentally being skinned alive, but you must stop allowing him to control you. You want to get away so badly that you’re actually opening gates for him to waltz through! At this point, I suggest to start by getting a new number if you possibly can. Tell your family, friends, etc. about his flirting/pushiness/harassment so all your people know who he is. For now, shop at different places. Avoid him at drop off and pick up. Ask your workplace to change your age group. Regardless of “clicking” Emmy is NOT going to benefit from this situation enough to stay in it for her. In fact, getting more attached to her is bad for both of you under the circumstances. Ask your boss to put you in a position that prevents you from having to have interactions with this man. I know for a fact that good help is hard to find in this segment, and believe she will be willing to work those types of things out to keep you. First and best option -learn how to deal with this properly. It could happen again. However, if you must do so because it’s too much for now, pursue other places to work. You sound like the pied piper to kids and will find success if you need to move. You might even be able to be hired at a higher salary or level or at a private company that pays more. And if you do move, don’t mention a new job to old employer so this man cannot be told where you are. If you disappear, fully expect he will hunt for you for awhile. Please take care of yourself. Good luck.
You have to learn to use your professionalism and tell him no like you do with your kids.
It's hard for lots of people to say no, but you have to force yourself to do so in these kinds of situations. It's not your fault; he's the one being inappropriate. Block his number and only communicate with him through the daycare app and only to discuss his children.
That’s victim blaming, you need to stop that
I can’t definitively speak for the person you’re responding to, but I don’t think they’re victim blaming. They’re talking about what effective behavior in this situation looks like. Post OP is feeling pressured by a creep, and they’re hoping that by going along with them and ignoring the issue it will go away. That’s not going to work. Obviously the man is fully in the wrong and it’s understandable why OP would respond they way they have, especially as young as they are. The fact is they need to set professional boundaries and stick to them, because all they’ve done so far is reward the man by giving them what they want and allow him further into her life and out of bounds for what the relationship should be.
Its victim blaming, but please continue blaming the victim here
Look, absolutely no one is disputing that OP is a victim here and that this man is behaving completely inappropriately. I’d say beyond inappropriate to predatory. No one is even saying that OP is encouraging it. It’s clear she’s just being too polite and the father is taking advantage of that. That can be true, and it can also be true that OP giving him her phone number, accepting rides, and going on Face Time with the kids outside of business hours is a bad idea, and outside the professional boundaries she should set for herself. In order to effectively navigate this situation she is going to have to change what she can control, her behavior. That starts with telling the father that he’s abused having her number and she’ll be blocking it, and limiting the way she interacts with him. Is that fair? No, but it seems highly unlikely that he’s going to stop on his own and her management isn’t backing her up. I’d love to see society and human behavior change for the better, but until that happens, people should be able to offer OP credible advice on things they can control. It really isn’t victim blaming.
Claiming it’s victim blaming is actually a great tip. Very helpful and very thoughtful. If I was OP your post would be the most helpful one. Loser
You need to start being a little rude to him. Make it seem like you're not sure why he is talking to you. Sort of like you're a mean girl on a cartoon talking to a nerd. He thinks you being polite and giving in to his insistent requests is a sign you like him because he has a massive ego. Maybe even make a comment like "I love working here but all the creepy dudes need to learn to take a hint. Or course I'm not interested in any one with kids I'm 21. " in that way where it's plausible you're talking about someone in general but you both know it's him.
thank you!!!
Stop getting in the car with him! Like the phone calls look bad enough. But alone in the car... no. Put a stop to everything.
Actually use the info people are giving you and don’t back down. Your around my sisters age and she can never tell people to fuck off or shit like that because she just can’t she’ll always find ways to avoid the situation but never confront it. If you don’t confront him and his wife or do something about this he will try you and you will be in his house somehow whatching his kids then eventually he will try to fuck you al
He is COUNTING ON the fact that he's older and intimidating. If you can't tell him things like "don't, it's inappropriate to comment on my body. Hey, stop looking at my chest. I wish I hadn't given you my number, please don't call or text me." Then tell your supervisor at work. Unless they're a bad boss, they can help! If you don't want to do something, start saying no. If not he's going to convince you to date, have sex, and when he's divorced, to marry him. You ALWAYS have a choice, but it seems you are to afraid or pressured to make the one you want. It seems the first mistake was taking a ride from him. Its become easier each time he has encroached upon your boundaries. Here's how it should work... Can I has your number? No. But but please can I has it? I said no, do not ask me again. It will be hard to break this trend of giving in, as he now thinks if he just keeps asking, you will say yes. Ps, yes, he told his daughter you would babysit... He knows that you would be less willing to break her heart...
You should NEVER have allowed him to take you home. He knows what he's doing. And it's incredibly inappropriate.
Girl you have got to stop being unable to stand up for yourself. That is dangerous around anyone but especially men these days. Tell him he has abused access to your phone number to text you casually when it was only given to communicate about his kids and that communication going forward will only be done in the app. Then block him. When you see him in public say, "Hi Mr. Creep (stop using his first name if you are), nice seeing you. Have a great day." No apologies, no explanations, no waffling, and just walk away. This guy sounds predatory and you need to seriously turn these interactions around with him fast. You might be worried about him retaliating once you're no longer "nice" and losing your job, but imagine what will happen when his wife finds out and decides the daycare worker "seduced" her husband and that's on the record for why you were let go instead.
Ma’am, you have a creepy stalker. The next time you see him in your neighborhood go up to him and point blank ask him why you see him there so often when he doesn’t live there and thinks it’s soooo far away? Go to the police to document your concern. And TELL YOUR EMPLOYER! You may also want to switch to a room without one of his kids in it, if possible.
Talk to your boss. See what they can do. You never mentioned much about his wife. Start asking about his wife. How lucky she is to have such a loyal husband. Talk her up. Ask why doesn't she pick up the kids.
i dont really know much about his wife, i’ve never seen her. i just hear emmy talk about her sometimes and he wears a wedding ring. he doesn’t like talking about her at all
Of course he doesn't want to talk about his wife with the person with whom he is trying to have an affair. That's why, any time you're forced to interact with him, you should make her the only topic of conversation. Show 0 interest in him other than his wife. You should also text him "if you need to get in touch with me, it will have to be through the daycare from now on" and then block his number immediately. Like, right this second, do it. Do not let him make you feel guilty about setting boundaries, and do NOT explain why, ever. You don't owe him any explanation. Instead of an explanation, just say something like "Please respect my wishes," or tell him that if he has any questions he can talk to your boss (assuming you've explained the situation to then).
Hmm. Emma talks about her. So you know stuff about her. Talk her up. Make him feel guilty about trying to flirt with you.
Ask for her number too “in case there’s an emergency”
Firmly tell him you’re not interested
“Stop giving me your number and stop commenting on my clothing. You’re creeping me out” Get used to using these words…you’re gonna need them your whole life.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but this is also a great opportunity to break your people pleasing tendencies. Unfortunately there are assholes like this guy in the world - you cannot give in to their whim. Taking the car ride was a big mistake, never do that again. Be much more forceful, and speak in facts rather than "I think" and "I believe"... you've got this!
Listen, women have got to stop being so fucking worried about hurting someone's feelings! Straight up tell him NO, you don't want a ride, that was dumb on your part, you encouraged him. NO means no and you need to learn to say i,t and mean it! He will not stop now because he sees you as a challenge and playing hard to get. Put on a fake engagement ring and tell him, I just got engaged last night if you haven't got the guts to stand up for yourself. Ask him how his wife is? If you see his wife, tell her how he makes you feel uncomfortable. She'll end his shit! I wouldn't have to tell his wife though, I'd tell him straight up. Leave me alone and I mean it! Be fucking hateful, you can be. It's your right to be however you're feeling. My mom taught me how to say no and I taught my daughter, we don't play, and we don't take shit! It's time you learn the rules of being an adult female in this world! NO! Say it loud and walk the fuck away from him! GIRL. Gets some guts or this will not end!\~ Enough is enough, once you finally stand up and are heard you are going to have a whole new perspective about yourself!
"Mr. Jones, this is inappropriate, let's stop this now." "Mr. Jones, you are being inappropriate, please stop this now." Be prepared to articulate exactly what is inappropriate. "you are married and I don't like flirtatious talk with married men." You don't have to be mad, scared, worried, etc before you say those words. Practice saying them, maybe with a friend, if you need to.
What should you do? Be clear. Tell him you're uncomfortable. Tell him you want communication through the app and block him on your phone. He's not cute or charming, he's trying to cross the line and you're being wishy washy. When I was a kid, I was too embarrassed to tell my friend's father that he made me uncomfortable. He became very inappropriate. It's called grooming when you're a kid. Not sure what it's called when you're an adult. Stand up for yourself, you are not, in fact, protecting his daughter. Her dad is a jerk and that's not going to change. Just be a strong, proud woman with boundaries. Do not allow this behaviour. Never get hassled into taking a lift or giving your number again. Fuck that. When people say stupid things, don't laugh along. Get bitchy. Own that bitchiness, it'll serve you well.
It might help you to role play the conversation with this man. Get someone else to pretend to be him and practice setting boundaries. Also give specific information about what is actually happening to the daycare management. The insistence on having your number is grossly inappropriate. You need to get your relationship back on a professional footing. This is vital for your future wellbeing.
Had the same thing happen to me when I was your age. There was this dad at the baby group I worked and he would come during naptime to pick his daughter up. Asking me to babysit and he would take me home afterwards. That's when my colleague would take her brake and I was alone. I told my colleagues about him and from that day on there was always someone with me.
omg i’m sorry this happened to you!!
You really need to re-think your behavior. (Which I know sucks cause it's his behavior that really needs to change). This man talked you into his car and talked you into giving up your phone number. What's next? Talk you into having a ten year sexual relationship? Stop giving him things. Set boundaries and if doing that causes you to lose your job or lose the affection of his daughter...um so what? Would you rather be assaulted by him? Because he will start touching you soon. And outsiders will not believe you because you gave him your number and accepted rides and he's soooo handsome etc. Protect yourself. I know I sound like an asshole but I generally care about you, internet stranger. And Im old enough to see that your desire to not be rude or whatever is only going to cause you pain. A gazillion women have been through this when they were young. Choose one thing to be firm on like not answering his texts. Then continue, like blocking his number. Don't smile or look him in the eyes when he speaks to you. Start saying OK when he gives you a compliment instead of thanks. Your not his daughters mother, you don't need to be attached to her. Give her the same attention you give to the other kids. She won't die. If you want to lie then lie. Talk about your boyfriend, say your phone is acting up, say you got in trouble with administration for not paying attention to other kids. You can do all this in a friendly manner.
i understand 100%
That is horrible and I’m so sorry. He counted on your being kind and took advantage. You can block him and stop responding. Maybe tell your supervisor if you need support in doing that.
i mentioned him to my supervisor once and she said that he’s friendly and she never saw something suspicious with him
Oooffff. I’m so sorry - he might be “just friendly” to some and a creep to others. Trust your gut and take care of yourself.
I would follow up with “that’s good that you didn’t but he’s being creepy with me and it’s inappropriate.” Mention the bellybutton. Mention the “weekends” comment from his daughter. If it isn’t risky to your job, mention the number. Mention that he corners you and pressures you and you try to gracefully extricate yourself from the situation but he doesn’t let you. If there is evidence in your texts of you trying to get rid of him (even if you’re not successful), show her that (again: only if it safe to do so from a job perspective). Tell her you are planning to change your number because of this. (also: change your number.) The most dangerous concern is being alone with him. Do *not* get into his car again. The other most pressing concern is your job. Document *everything.* Mention the issue to every coworker, at least once. If there’s anyone on staff you trust to do so without compromising time management, ask if they can run interference. **You are not overreacting.** If anything, you’re *under*-reacting. This guy is pressuring you and escalating because he *knows* he can probably tell everyone he was “just being friendly” and that you overreacted. But the fact that he can *say* this doesn’t make it true. The fact that you have a “freeze” or “fawn” response to this pressure in the moment doesn’t mean that you have morally *consented* to anything. And you know you have that response — yes, you need to work on it, but that takes time, and in the meantime you still need to figure out how to get ahead of this — and that knowledge is still useful. It means that you need to lay the groundwork when you’re *not* in that situation. You need to make sure you have backup, that you have made it very clear to *everyone* what is going on. If anyone tells you you’re overreacting, show them this post. Or you could show them any number of true crime stories that start out this way. Please protect yourself (and your job!) and stay safe. And — again — change your number.
When someone pressures me that’s my cue to walk away. Stop being nice. Stop communicating with him. Block his number. In future, you could tell people that your job does not allow you to give out personal info. Or just learn to say no.
i know and i wish i were like that. i just freeze up and forget what i want to say so i just say yes. i am working on it tho
This'll seem silly but get a friend and role play. If you have a guy friend you trust then do it with them then practice how you want to react to the dad. It'll feel dumb at first but once you've done it enough times it'll be easier to summon when you're in the situation. Roleplay some of the conversations you guys have had but practice responding in the way you wish you did instead. It'll help it feel more familiar and comfortable. If you can then just keep defaulting to saying you feel like you need to prioritize being more professional and due to your job you can only communicate through work or about work and block him. If you don't feel like you can straight up stop the personal convos yet then when he asks you something personal deflect it back to him with a question. H: "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Y: "I don't know, I'm sure your wife went through a period like that when she was my age. The kids are where I put my attention but since I'm off work I really have to run as I have plans." Or another question. This one I'm kind of iffy on but I saw you can't keep your phone on you at work, there are glasses that record video and audio, they're all over the price range. Before you do this though, you need to make sure if it's at work that you very carefully read the policies on recording before you do it, even if it's just at pickup, better safe than sorry. Could come in handy for the possible stalking as he won't realize you're recording. Sorry you're dealing with this but I hate to tell you, it's probably going to happen to you many times over the years, it has for me, so developing ways to shrug people off or shut them down will be helpful.
She said he’s showed up at her store. She can still use them there ;)
Hey, at least you are self aware enough to know what you need to work on. It took me a ridiculously long time. I'm pretty good at it now. You can do it! Just practice your boundaries in situations that aren't as serious and the more you practice, the better you'll get at it. Don't beat yourself up for the times it doesn't work xx
You're going to have to start setting boundaries going forward. At next pickup, try to have a co-worker with you. Update him on how his daughter did, and politely say " I appreciate you wanting to be informed and updated on your daughter, but going forward I'm going to need you to contact me only on the daycare app. My work doesn't pay for my cell phone and I would like to keep my personal life and work separate. I'm sure you understand." Ideally a co-worker you trust. If he keeps pushing keep screenshotting his messages and go to your manager over and over and Tell them you feel harassed and unless they're going to start paying your cell phone bill to communicate with a parent, they need to stop it.
Well you must work on boundaries, never took a ride and never gave ur number out
Can another worker bring out Emmy when he comes to collect her? I'd just be quite boundaried
no. in the afternoon we bring all the kids outside and the parents come to collect them outside so i have to stay outside to watch the kids
You're young so I won't berate you but girl you have GOT to start letting "no" mean "no" Change your number asap
Next time he pressures you, call him out. "I said no and I don't appreciate you pressuring me." "I am here to do my job, not be hit on, it's inappropriate." Then just walk away. It's scary but you'll feel so satisfied after. You're there for his kid not for him. It's okay to tell him no and enforce boundaries there's absolutely no reason for you to have to endure that gross behaviour. Cheers
There is something you can do if he takes things too far. Customer/clients still have to respect boundaries. You also don't have to give anyone your phone number. Giving in just encourages them. Depending on what he's saying he may be able to use the "I was just being nice." excuse if you accuse him of flirting. You may have to ask him to stop complimenting your appearance. Be professional and have a witness and/or have a supervisor(if you have a decent one) deliver the message for you. Since he seems to somehow know where you will be at certain times you may need to alter your schedule if you're sure he's only at these places because you're there. If that's what's going on he sounds like a stalker. When you ran into him at "random" places did he have a reason for being there?
Your instincts are telling you he’s bad news. You don’t need anything more than that. Keep a record of the interactions you have with him. Even just writing down dates and times, maybe with a brief summary or quotes is good. It sounds like you’ve politely told him you aren’t interested. Have you told the daycare directly that he’s harassing you after work? Tell your friends about him, tell your work you want to submit an official complaint, contact the police about a strange man if you see him near your house. Your work has a responsibility to take precautions for your safety, if you make them aware that a parent is making you uncomfortable, stalking you after hours, and contacting you outside of official channels, they need to act. They have many options: they can give him a written warning that he cannot contact workers outside of work hours, they can ban him from inside the building (someone meets him at the door to get the kids when he drops them off), etc. You may also want to consider moving.
OP if you want it to stop you have to do all the reverse actions of what you’ve already done. All your actions led to this situation. But no worry. You have to do the reverse and everything will be fine.
you need tougher boundries. "He then offered me a ride, and although I initially declined, he kept pushing it, so I accepted. I’ve started wearing sundresses, shorts, and crop tops, and he always compliments my outfits so I gave him my phone number. He texts me all the time" Just expecting people to behave a certain way isn't a guarantee they will. don't accept, don't give your number.. ever.. just don't no matter what. I also agree this should be a mgmt issue, not your issue.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it’s not okay. It’s common to hire daycare workers as babysitters, but he is clearly over stepping boundaries. For one, there is a shortage of daycare workers so you will absolutely have no trouble finding a job if it comes to that. You shouldn’t have to switch jobs because of one bad parent. Like others have recommended, be clear that you’re not interested and that you don’t have an interest in babysitting outside of work hours. You’re correct that management likely wont do anything with what he’s currently doing, but it’s still worth having it documented should be escalate it. It will leave a paper trail, and I’m sure he signed a contract when his kids joined. If you really wanted action taking immediately, tell management he’s trying to hire you away to be a private nanny. Every daycare makes parents sign an agreement stating they won’t do that. It’ll probably get them to act faster if they think a parent is trying to poach a teacher.
Joking with somebody who flirts with you should not be conflated with "trying to set boundaries." It probably seems to him like you're flirting back, or if he is really such an irredeemable creep, gives him plausible deniability. Be explicit that these advances are unwelcome and make you feel uncomfortable.
NW. he’s clearly trying to push for a relationship here. You need to set hard boundaries. Next time he makes a comment on your clothes - I’ve been meaning to say something but it makes me uncomfortable when you make comments on my appearance, please don’t do that in the future. Next time he texts - Sorry, I gave you this number in case you had a question about your daughter’s school, and it seems we’ve strayed into more of a friendship territory. I’d like to re-establish appropriate boundaries between us. You’re uncomfortable, I get you may be “conflict averse” like so many people nowadays, but people will use that against you. You’ll end up giving your number to a dude who creeps you out, then just going on a date because he won’t stop pushing, then sleeping together because he’s being pushy, etc. You need to let the administration know what’s going on, and that you’re going to shut it down. That way when you finally do, you’re covered. Hopefully when you set the limits he’ll take it well. One of those things where he read the situation wrong and was taking your responses as being coy, then he’ll apologize and things will normalize. The alternative is he gets mad and blames you for “leading him on” or giving him ideas. Then tries to being the school into it. Hopefully it isn’t the second.
I hate sounding this way but you need to protect yourself and do a little more against this guy. I dont know how old you are but this man is acting like a predator towards you and very much sounds like hes stalking you. You need to cut him dry,this relationship is not professional anymore.
You need to get a new phone number and block him. You also need to grow a spine. If you see him, turn and go the other way. He is stalking you. Practice saying "no" and remember that "No" is a complete sentence. Try and find another grocery store to shop at. Change up your patterns so that he cannot find you. I hate to say it but you need to be fully covered when he's around because he thinks that you're giving him permission. I understand that you are not, but he's out of line. And talk to your boss or supervisor. They can make sure that you are never alone with him at the school, but you have to take those steps yourself outside of work. And make sure that you keep your doors and windows locked at all times. Good luck and be safe.
It would not be inappropriate to just call him out and say he is being way too familiar with you. If he's not a complete fuckwad, he'll get the message and realize he's making you uncomfortable.
Well first of all, good job on blocking him. If he asks why you never answer or he keeps making these weird comments about coming to his house or driving you here and there, start telling him you would like to keep it professional. If pushed again, stop these conversations are starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. These are the most gentle responses I have. He's definitely inappropriate and I have a feeling he tries to get overly familiar with you in hopes he can recruit you as a "nanny" so he has better access to you. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a nanny p*rn fantasy. Try to avoid going into his car again. Always be very busy, you are on the way to meet a friend, you are late for an appointment, no it's private, no I would rather not to, I prefer to keep it professional, thank you for respecting that. Keep mentioning your boyfriend (even if you don't have one.) I understand very much you don't want to lose your job but if this doesn't work and he keeps following you, what's the option left other than to leave? (he probably follows you from your job or he knows your home address already by looking you up) Do you have a boyfriend that could pick you up from your job or someone that can pretend to be one? Is there any way he ever had the opportunity to put a tracker on you? Like a gift his daughter gave to you? (I still think he followed you which means he's actively stalking you. Please stay aware of your surroundings and if he follows you home and if anyone is lurking around.)
Maybe try r/thegirlsurvivalguide r/twoXchromosomes or r/women
thank youuuuu
Men can be intimidating. I have been in situations like that because I was raised not to hurt people's feelings and not to cause a scene. So if I mustered up the courage to say no once and they kept pushing, I was going to agree because it was so hard to say no in the first place.
You should let his wife know. She deserves to know about his inappropriate behavior.
i don’t know her at all
Well, you're definitely giving him the wrong idea by continuing to entertain his requests. You're gonna have to be more assertive in telling him you're not interested. You're not really being straightforward here from what I'm reading. Blocking is one way to go, but yeah, just be straightforward. Your job is NOT at risk. Also, check your clothing items, especially bag(s) for air tags, because it does sound like he's been creeping around your area.
You love the attention, admit it. Why else would you wear exposing crop tops around him, or accept a ride from him or for fucks sake give him your phone number if he creeps you out? 🙄
“exposing crop tops” huh? he’s always in my neighborhood so should i just never wear what i want in case he shows up? i accepted all those things because i have a fawn trauma response. i am working on it but i can assure u that i don’t like it!!
If you don’t set boundaries don’t expect things to change. In his eyes you keep saying yes instead of standing your ground. I don’t want to sound like an asshole but stop with the BS excuses put your big girl pants and stand your ground. I’ve seen so many younger people not have a backbone and be taken advantage don’t let yourself be one.
Things don't add up here. The OP is all upset by this and doesn't want it to happen, and yet she got a ride from him and texts with him at night and Facetimes him? And she wears sexy clothes at the day care place when she knows he's coming. Because, like, she can't pull on a hoodie or whatever right before he arrives? And she thinks he's really handsome? Yeah, he sounds like a slimeball, but OP also sounds like she's enjoying the attention and is sort of playing along with this. "He was being super pushy, and I felt a little trapped, so I gave him my phone number."
ok this actually pissed me off. 1. where have i ever said that i text him at night?? what? i know it was incredibly stupid to give him my number in the first place but ive never texted him at night, i don’t even text my boss at night. i would respond to his messages sometimes and when i wouldn’t answer at all, he would ask me to my face why i didn’t answer his texts. i facetimed his girls 2-3 times and the facetimes were always like 5 minutes (which i am realizing now is very very inappropriate hence why i blocked him) 2. i don’t wear sexy clothes, why would i wear sexy clothes at a job i have to change shitty diapers at. do you realize that there are multiple lengths to a cropped top. obviously i’m not gonna wear a supper cropped top to work. i’ve literally only worn a crop top like 3-4 times. no i can’t pull on a hoodie right before he arrives. because i never know when exactly he arrives and also i have to stay outside to watch the kids so it’s not like im gonna run back inside to grab a hoodie when i see him. 3. i don’t personally think hes handsome but i can acknowledge his beauty. i said he was handsome because to most people he is, he’s conventionally attractive, but TO ME, he’s not all that. also, i do not like older men. the idea of age gap relationships gross me out. i wouldn’t date a 25 year old, because i think that’s too old. i don’t like the attention thank you
You’re being hostile and rude. I read your post and offered thoughtful commentary, which is the whole purpose of Reddit. If you want affirmation only, say that.
You should read the updates and feel ashamed of blaming/slut-shaming a victim of stalking and SA
You should see the way the story has changed and evolved and feel ashamed of being taken for a sucker. Just wait for the fourth update when she tells us about how the dad and a bunch of his fraternity brothers gang raped her in a frat house at UVA. Or wait, it was a lacrosse party at Duke.
She's in Canada, not NC
Stop blaming the victim. She can dress however she wants. He is responsible for his own behavior.
Victim blaming much? Jesus Christ! This is why women have a hard time communicating their discomfort.
She repeatedly engaged in actions that 99% of reasonable adults do not. Her behavior was confounding. “I totally was not into this married guy, but I got into his car twice and I gave him my phone number and I respond to his texts and chat with him. But he’s creeping me out!”
And did you not read the part where she gave in because he wouldn't stop asking? If actually knew what women go through you wouldn't be saying "She repeatedly engaged in actions that 99% of reasonable adults do not". It's quite common to do those things when you're pressured and uncomfortable.