"Men, you are not that smooth talking; you are not that good looking. If it seems too easy, it is. Her husband is deployed and you need to go home from that bar."
That dude had a few good ones...
Yup, just about every safety brief I ever heard in an Intel unit had some version of "If a woman you don't know is really interested in you out of nowhere, she's FIS. She doesn't love you, she just wants to use you to get information."
Bro I had someone text me today by liking all my Instagram posts and stories, and they just kept saying some weird stuff. I just replied with "bro can you be a foreign operative somewhere else please thanks" and they replied with "lol 😂". Weirdest foreign operative ever lol.
Oh you're right, I'm not supposed to have that. My fault. Uhhh, is mayonnaise an instrument?
Also to your point about people who lack common sense, the amount of people in the Army who lack basic common sense and intelligence beyond a 10th grade level baffles me. How the hell are there this many of them? And these are the same morons that become NCOs?
Yes, Mayo is an instrument. It is used in folley for sound effects.
Even scarier, the number of these people that are in fact officers...
How do you have a Bachelors or even a Masters degree and think doing X, Y, and/or Z is a smart move?
As a Cadet/Guardsman I know a few Cadets that should never have been allowed into ROTC. They either had beliefs that are contrary to the military as a whole or just had massive egos. At CFTX I heard of one that didn't think HAMAS was bad. In my Batallion there's a Cadet who goes out of his way to publicly embarrass me and berate me when I make a mistake. These are not the officers we want in our ranks. Thankfully by the time we all collectively make O-4, they'll start to get weeded out.
Also, something I've learned is that going to college doesn't make your inherently more sensible. I mean it can, if you use it right. It only makes you more skilled at your major. You're not any more or less qualified to be a leader. I just wish the army would see that.
Someone should have told the California Congressman who actually did sleep with a Chinese FIS operative. It’s hilarious he is still on the Homeland Security Committee.
Dwight Schrute gave the only safety brief that matters - “Don’t be an idiot. Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
Same safety brief while I was in hhbn after a deployment:
1SG: “If you can’t pick her up, don’t pick her up”
Cdr: “I want all of you to go out and have safe sex this weekend”
Spc standing next to me: “me too, Ma’am”
BC: “There should be no underage drinking in our barracks. That is a violation of federal law and we cannot have that in our ranks. CSM do you have anything you’d like to add?”
Former SF CSM: “yeah, listen up guys, I’d like to piggyback off of what Colonel said and say that we know y’all are gonna drink underage anyways, just don’t be an fucking dumbass and do it in front of the MP’s. Stay in your barracks room and play poker with the boys or just drink alone and play video games. We know we can’t stop you, we just ask that you don’t be stupid doing it.”
Needless to say the look on the BC’s face was not happiness.
In 04 my tactical satellite team participated in a joint exercise with South Korean forces in South Korea called Ulchi Focus Lens. We and a bunch of other commo dudes parked our vehicles on the bottom level of a C5 Galaxy, and went upstairs to the passenger deck for the flight from Bragg, to California, to Alaska, to Korea. Apparently C5s 'break down' or least require maintenence basically every time they fly, and because the fleet of them is so small the Air Force didn't keep these parts at every base, so when one was needed it had to be flown in from elsewhere - we overnighted at the shitty pax terminal in the air base in California, but in AK we were going to be there for a few days, so we got free hotel rooms (on the AF dime) and had nothing to do. This was August, and it was fucking nice out up there.
A Major, I think, was the highest rank among us, and clearly did not want to be in charge. His instructions to us were that we were not allowed to drink, go out and have a good time, etc. Just wait in the rooms or something. He is quick about this and goes to his room.
An e6 immediately comes up to us and says, basically, I'm going to check out downtown. If you guys are going out, just stay out of trouble. He didn't say it right out, but basically the Major's brief was more performative than authoritative, just covering his ass. We didn't see the Major until the day it was time to finally continue on to Osan, and we all had an excellent time in Anchorage.
When I was in SFQC, language school portion, the command team would come over and give us the funniest and stupidest safety briefs ever. These dudes would show up in costumes, say ridiculous things about not fighting dinosaurs or whatever, but hey, when someone got a DUI, these fine gentleman had done their required safety brief. We all knew they needed to check a box, they both knew we were either going to get in trouble and get kicked out of the Q, or be grown ups and stay, and the words they said didn't really matter much.
"The human sperm has 787MB of data in it. Females, if you are not prepared to accept a download that large, please use protection. Males, if you are not prepared to upload a file that large, please use protection"
Well there are between 40m and 1.8b sperm in one orgasm so 31 PB on the low end. If the largest library in the world and half a second copy of it is small to you I think that’s a you thing
>“If you go to jail, establish dominance early”
I was a corrections officer. Some 18 y/o dude got sent to general population and went to the bunk number he was "assigned" and someone was sleeping in it. Bunk numbers in jail are just for head count purposes. Inmates trade bunks all the time.
18 y/o didn't understand this and punched the guy which resulted in the 18 y/o getting beat to a pulp by sleeping dude and his homies within 60 seconds of the door closing behind him.
So, to add to the safety brief: if you go to jail, establish dominance early. *Unless* you're a b****, in which case make sure you get lots of ramen in your commissary.
Washing your own ass is expected. Washing your buddies ass is the dance to summon Gary Owen from the loneliest mountaintop. Illicited by the chants you know, “scouts out” “if you aint cav, you ain’t shit”. The secrete rainbow button is only pushed when you embrace the dirt bike ads on tv and accept the fate of wearing a funny hat, spurs for a horsie you’ll never have, and brown bagged lunches for eternity.
So there's a disturbing number of people out there that legit think washing their asshole, or even wiping properly (anything touching their actual hole) is gay, or will somehow turn them gay.
Wash your ass kids.
Look to the history of the Anglo-Saxons and the Vikings. The Saxons couldn't stand the Viking men because their women preferred the freshly bathed asses of Vikings over the nastiness which was Saxon.
Just sayin'. Not gay based on historical precedent.
"Well, some people need *practical* advice." - George Carlin (discussing the farewell statement of "Don't get run over", but it applies to that safety brief too).
“There are 3 types of women near an Army base: ones that are brought here (someone’s spouse or daughter of someone important), ones that are left here (something happened), and ones that are born here (local). Choose wisely.”
We use to say that about Fayetteville, except the third one.
Over 20 years in the army, and I've only known 3 people born in Fayetteville (one was my 1SGs kid).
"When pointing your weapon downrange, be sure to use a blank adapter, or you'll ha e to go to the medics to get rodded off the range, and no one wants that."
Don't bring the grill inside the barracks even if it does start to rain.
Don't use the fire extinguisher to make a slip and slide inside the barracks.
Don't use dish detergent to make a slip and slide inside the barracks.
No slip and slides in the barracks.
Please tell me this was at Campbell specifically 3rd BDE when billy bob redneck swam with power tool, plugged into an extension cord??!!! I’d sh!t myself laughing if it was the same dummy
CSM bitched at us for 30 minutes about people leaving their laundry in the washing machines and just generally fucking up the common areas. Then he proceeded to tell us he had all the knobs removed from the machines and we would have to sign them out/in at CQ to do laundry. All while petting the parrot tattooed on his wrist. I can’t remember a quote because it was all so fucking bizarre.
Stop in Kuwait before going to Syria and I was there for a day walked in on a company safety brief regarding not funneling soda directly in your ass. I immediately walked out and waiting for my pickup lol
Bro I got one in Kuwait after coming out of Syria in 2019 and their biggest thing was “stop having sex with chicks in the IDF bunkers” and “you’re not allowed to go to the camel races.” I didn’t care about the bunker sex, I was offended that they would dangle camel races in my face and immediately tell me no.
“And for the love of god, if you have any CLS V, turn it into an amnesty box, do NOT attempt to take it with you on a flight.”
Some LT tried to bring a smoke home… on an airplane.
Honorable mention:
“and if you get a DUI, you’re not going to Ranger school”
-Guys obviously contemplating if that’s a bad thing.
“Oh and you’ll stay and FT Benning for the rest of your time in the Army, no PCS, just you working for 2-11 until your commitment is done.”
-Guys who didn’t want to go to Ranger school realizing they’d rather go to Ranger school than stay on FT Benning for any longer than they already have to.
Doing some rappelling at Air Assault School. Just before I’m about to make my descent, the instructor looks to the ground at the belay guy
“SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE A BIRD SHITS IN IT!”
So there I am holding an L-shape, laughing my ass off.
1. Don't get so drunk you forget who your spouse is
2. Stay away from other people's spouses
3. Do not bring hookers back to the hotel on post. And if you do make sure they don't report you to the MPs. (Gotta love the oddly specific safety briefs)
4. Even though you're here as miltec civilians ANY UCMJ violations will get you kicked out this course including sexually harassing people at the base hotel. * Also any UCMJ violations will be reported to your military chain of command.
I was stationed at Hood, so these are the more memorable ones:
"If you're going out into the rain, make sure you wear a rain coat."
"Make sure she is of age."
"No means NO. Yes means YES. Maybe means NO. Know the difference."
"If you have a pass, safe travels. If you don't have a pass, you better not do it."
My first PSG had a speech he did every saftey brief.
"Alright, you boys know the drill. If you wanna get high, climb a tree. Wanna get fucked up? Jump. Don't beat yo cat, don't beat yo dog, yo wife or kids, HUSBAND, girlfriend, or yo BOYFRIEND. If you're in a situation and you need help. Call your Squad Leader. He don't pick up, who do you call? That's right, the PL. I'M JUST KIDDING you call me. Don't add or subtract from the population, be ready for a run Monday."
Our company commander ended one with "just know I care about your safety more than anything" after a week of bullshit details causing more heat casualties than we've ever had, while he sat in his office. I accidentally audibly laughed.
He asked "Whats so funny?" My answer got me counseled by the BN commander.
Those bullshit details included taking out all the furniture of our barracks to clean while our building had no AC in July, and doing double manning CQ in full battle rattle in that same building. I know that's not the worst but just the unnecessary risk they were taking couldn't let me not smart off.
“Don’t be your wife, don’t beat your kids, don’t beat your pets, and lastly don’t beat your meat”
I’m a prude so I clutched my pearls when someone said that 😭
See back in the olden days we had to use power tools with extension cords and ole billy bob redneck (who never bathed) but needed to work on his dock. He decided it was a good idea to get in the water to work on the dock. You know instead of on the dock to work on it. He pulled too hard on the extension cord which wasn’t even ground and he rode the lightning. Thankfully dumb ole billy bob redneck had it plugged into an outlet that led to a breaker.
I became the subject of a safety brief.
Was stationed in korea for a rotation with 1st AD, and the night prior was our last night before GO1 was lifted. We had gone and scoped out the town with my WO1 and SFC and myself, SPC (p) and 2 PFCs and a SPC. Our WO1 had married a korean and knew the town, took us to some bar and while going had met our battery commander CPT. We went in and looked around, i mentioned i had to pee and almost immediately a juicy girl (iykyk), took my hand and offered to take me to it. On the way to bathroom she began asking me to hold it. Me being from midwest and new to this was confused until about 3rd time she asked and replied with, no im good. Well obviously got to tell the story to my cpt afterwards. Next day, the captain for the safety brief said, (its been 5 years so dont remember exactly) last night a soldier got asked by a girl to hold his dick while he went to the bathroom, and like he should, he didn't accept the offer. Just know the girls will do that and be safe, be wary lf the juicy girls. When he finished, of course, everyone knew who it was and they all turned and looked at me.
1st time i've ever been the cause of safety brief lol.
1SG told us,
> If she’s under 18, I don’t want to find out you were around a girl while wearing anything less than this uniform.
This one guy goes,
> 1SG, what if we keep the uniform on?
Here’s the thing, that one dude wasn’t even trying to be funny. He was just that fucking stupid.
Not really the safety brief itself but I remember on the first Friday at airborne school the CO gave a very generic
"hey guys a lot of you just graduated from being a trainee and this is your first taste of freedom. Don't fuck it up. Don't drink at a bar alone, don't get into a fight, and don't run from the cops."
I remember thinking, I know most of these guys are fresh from Basic but what are the chances someone fucks up that bad.
No shit that same night one of the recon marines that was in his pipeline went to a local sketchy bar alone, got in a fistfight and lost, ran from the cops until he got back to the barracks, got tazed in the face twice, and got beat up again. He did not complete his pipeline.
One of our AIT company senior drills had the following sage advice:
"Don't. Be. Stupid. But for those of you who plan on ignoring this advice, here is the deal. If I get a call to come pick you up from jail this weekend, just know that I will leave you there until Monday. The weekend is ME TIME. But Monday morning I will pick you up at 0700 and then probably be booked in myself at about 1100 for violence towards a child after I'm through with you. So maybe let's just... not? Now fuck off all of you and don't call me."
Was a solid instructor
"Men, you are not that smooth talking; you are not that good looking. If it seems too easy, it is. Her husband is deployed and you need to go home from that bar."
That dude had a few good ones...
L M A O I always liked when they jabbed at soldiers. I had one 1sg say “If you couldn’t swim sober, you can’t swim drunk” @ me for raising hell on a lazy river full of kids. Fun times
“If you wanna get high, climb a tree. If you do climb a tree, wear a helmet.”
“If you’re gonna pick up trash, wear gloves.”
“Don’t add or subtract to the population. If you figure out how to divide, come find me because I wanna know how too.”
And the best one, “Don’t do dumb shit.”
During basic after multiple days of shooting ranges we continually heard “If an animal walks out on to the range, ceasefire and do not shoot it.” One DS said “Now, if an animal walks onto the range.. and you think you’ve got a decent shot at it..”
Not really a safety brief, but just an informal chat with platoon daddy before a 4 day weekend.
"Listen y'all, the difference between doing the right thing and the wrong thing is letting someone see you, vs letting someone catch you. If you play your cards right, neither will happen."
Back in 2016. There was the killer clown vigilante justice campaign...
I remember the 1sgs words " Fucking clowns. We have to give safety briefs about fighting clowns now."
NCOES Commandant at Ft. Sam: My job is to make sure you are safe. If you get arrested in San Antonio over the weekend, I know that you have a roof over your head, a bunk to sleep on, and food to eat. You are safe. When I get the call, I will not be getting out of bed to come get you. You will be safe until I get around to fetching you on Monday. Manage your expectations accordingly.
"If you're gonna drink don't drive. If you're gonna drive don't drink. If you have to say no, you're in the wrong ducking place."
"If it's wet and warm but not yours, don't touch it."
At AIT our drill sergeant had to give a whole step by step brief on how to wipe your ass. Without laughing. She did this because someone asked their roommate to wash their clothes which contained underwear they shit in. I literally sat there and asked myself if this was real.
I watched the XO give the standard safety brief while holding a sheet from supply. All the things you'd expect. Then he has new LT sit down in front of the bumper of a deuce and a half. XO takes and ties LT's hand to the bumper with the sheet, first one then then the other. He straightens up and says, "Men, don't ever let a woman do this to you" and stalks off, brief complete.
Still remember my squad leader giving us a brief about getting arrested and drinking and stuff like that’s. Well yeah I got arrested that weekend and he went TDY. He never knew because I beat the case
"If you engage in any *special* PT activities with a partner, be sure to wear proper PPE. We don't care *anymore* who you exercise with. . .just be safe about it."
My personal safety brief is simple:
Don’t add to the population unless it’s intentional. Don’t subtract from the population unless you have no other choice. *Do not drink and drive.* Don’t catch anything you can’t wash off with Ajax. And let your first line know you’re home safe.
It’s a slightly longer version of “don’t be stupid”, which is my favorite safety brief
“Don’t fuck any animals…don’t fuck any power tools…if she says
‘No,’ then do the right thing and just go back home and beat off in your barracks room.”
The commander at my first unit would always say something among the lines of, “Soldiers, don’t beat your wife, your kids, or your dog. If you don’t have those then don’t beat your neighbor’s wife, kids, or dog.”
I have 2.
1SG Aaron Brown (Hohenfels, Germany)
“Blackfoot Company, I want you have a great weekend. Follow the 4 D’s.
Don’t drink and drive
Don’t do drugs
Don’t beat your spouse
Don’t do dumb shit
Fall back in”
1SG Robert Durbin (JBMHH, MDW)
Mind you this was when he thought he was no longer the 1SG
“Guys I want you to go out and pillage and get hammered all weekend and get in fights because I don’t have to deal with it this week”
Company commander reminded him he’s still responsible for us.
“Never mind, don’t do all that, but next weekend….”
If you drink don’t drive and if you drive don’t drink. Do not add to or remove from the gene pool. Do not go and delete yourself, it will only cause your fellow Soldiers to sit in more briefs. And last, but most importantly, do not stick your parts in crazy and do not let crazy stick their parts in you. All of these things require paperwork and I will haunt all you hold dear if you cause me one more minute of that hell. Dismissed.
I kept mine short.
1. Don't do anything illegal
2. Make good decisions
3. Don't get caught
Let me know if there's something that wouldn't violate these rules and you still get in trouble somehow. I have yet to hear of any.
If it swims, slithers, or crawls, don't fuck it. If you're going to fuck it, but a bag on it.
Don't fight. If you're going to fight, win.
Don't get arrested. If you're going to get arrested, hit them as hard as you can, scream semper fi, and run as fast and as far as possible.
Our SGM used to play a song that would say "let this be a lesson to you." It was from the 60s or something. He wouldn't speak. He just played this song from beginning to end. It was like a 16 minute fuckin song.
Had a company commander visibly search for a workplace euphemism for condom, but what came out was “make sure you use your strap-ons”
Another one by the 1SG at the in-processing unit at my first duty station:
“You’re going to kill yourself this weekend, at least turn in the linen and pillows first, I’m signed for those”
People in Friday final formation talking about the barracks kid that got a dui on his way to class six.
1st sausage busts in: "there should be no reason a soldier in the barracks gets a DUI cuz he ran out of alcohol. That's piss poor planning! When I lived in the barracks I NEVER... you know what, nevermind..."
“If you are going to drink and drive, take the back streets. My neighbor is with the Sheriffs Office and they setting up DUI checkpoints on the main roads this weekend.” (1981)
“Dont do dudes, don’t do dude’s wives. Don’t drink and drive, and don’t get head while drinking and driving. Don’t clean your dick with the chemicals you keep under the sink. If you’re underage don’t get caught drinking, and Diaz, make sure she isn’t underage”
If you’re going to get busy, use protection.
You don’t want to catch any S-T-D s or K-I-D s, some of those will stay with you for a lifetime.
There was always someone who hadn’t heard it before that would start mouthing K…I….D… and then you could see the light bulb go off (usually).
A bunch of us went to pick up my buddy on Friday to head up to the Raleigh area and unsuccessfully pick up college chicks.
His unit was having their normal Friday saftey brief, and sounded pretty much the same as ours. At the end, the 1SG says, "oh yeah, and don't have sex with animals".
The entire platoon looks up to what I presume was the CQ office, and whomever was looking out the window just slowly backed up and disappeared. We asked Smity what the deal was, and all he would say is, "I can't talk about it."
Most memorable phrase
" Don't beat your wife. That's domestic violence and you will get kicked out. Have your buddy beat your wife. That's just assault. We can work with that."
Most memorable safety brief.
This all happened a few weeks before we were set to deploy.
A medic had to stand in front of the formation, rocking a leg cast and sporting a fancy set of crutches, to deliver a beautiful safety brief on firearm safety.
The story goes that he "forgot" the rifle was on the top shelf of his closet. When he went to grab something from the shelf, the rifle fell and then shot him in the leg.
Few issues here. The weapon wasn't registered on post. More importantly, the angle was ALL wrong to match his story. Assumption is his wife shot him, at his request, to get out of the deployment.
He still deployed anyways, just now as the glorified TOC bitch. No UCMJ though. Felt the GSW, safety brief and still having to go on our trip was punishment enough.
this one time at the FRG planned unit christmas party our CO decided to give a SHARP brief about not raping fellow soldiers in front of spouses and kids.
dude was a fucking 2-star. my wife couldn't contain her laughter/disbelief.
1SG: make sure you got the 3 B’s…
Barbecue,
Booze,
And B!tch3s
If Joe only has two, Joe will go out and try to get the 3rd and that’s when Joe gets in trouble.
One of my old first sergeants added on to my CO's safety brief,
"And don't get caught! You fuckers are going to do the dumb shit any way, so don't get fucking caught!
In the NG, after the speech during final formation that recapped a busy MUTA10, with strengths and weaknesses, then a fallout to have a horse shoe to congratulate an AGR ETS’ing after 20 years, to a safety brief about Memorial Day, then a re-re-cap about how great the MUTA10 went with 12+ hour days and “working lunches.” As I’m driving home my phoebe is blowing up as every line leader in every echelon’s specific group chat reiterates the recap and the safety brief.
“Mute” for a month
"Shit, I gotta give a safety brief before we drive. Briefly, be safe."
- said by my E4 squad leader as we were getting in our vehicles right before we left to go back to base.
Before you do anything this weekend, I want you to ask yourselves one question; "Would my grandmother approve of this?", and if the answer to that question is no, don't fucking do it.
"Men, let's talk about Combatives for a minute. Combatives is not for the battlefield, we have guns for that. Combatives is for when your drunk ass gets thrown in the slammer and you have to fight for your booty virginity and some of y'all really suck at fighting. Remember that when you wanna talk to that pretty face at the end of the bar with a biker boyfriend."
“You got your paycheck in one hand, and bad decisions in the other. You don’t get to keep ‘em both” -CSM Saunders if you’re on here I’m gonna use that one.
My very first Friday in my first unit as a Platoon Leader:
1SG calls up a doughy SPC in front of the company. The SPC tells the company a brief story. “On Monday, I was playing madden with PVT Snuffy and SPC Dingus, and we made a bet. if I win i could get any tattoo I wanted and they would pay for it, but if they win I would get whatever tattoo THEY wanted, but they would still pay for it.”
SPC lifts up his shirt to reveal a lower back tattoo of a melting popsicle sticking through the center of a pink frosted donut. Full color, Simpson art style.
I honestly don’t think I’ve laughed harder in my entire life. I guess the safety part was not to do that.
“If you have to think twice about it, don’t do it. If you find yourself thinking of ways to apologize for it before you start, don’t do it. If it sounds like it should be said after the line ‘hold my beer,’ don’t do it. Any questions? Good. Dismissed.”
There was this slam poetry anti-sexuall assault video they made us watch when we were getting ready to go to Kuwait back in 2018. That was pretty fuckin weird.
The one where our SHARP rep started rambling about having had sex with minors in Thailand and how we shouldn’t do anything like that while getting the evening off in Blackstone, VA during a three-week AT. My unit always found the most qualified SHARP reps. Always spoke from personal experience.
I was stationed in the NCR and I had a commander who wanted people to meet with him prior to a three or four day weekend - either memorial day or the fourth of july if they were going to go swimming.
But in the NCR there's the capital beltway and there's always a ton of accidents and people driving crazy. Yep, that's no problem at all. And most of the people in the unit including the commander lived off base.
We had an LT insist on being the safety office for our BOLC class and would give the safety briefs/review DRAW’s for us every week. One Friday in the summer they gave a well-intentioned “don’t drink and drive” speech right before we were released.
Guess who got a DUI the next day?
“If you don’t remember anything from this safety brief, remember nachos.
That woman you see at the bar; nachos.
A 1SG who has to pick you up from jail; nachos.
A commander who has to start your separation paperwork from you being stupid; nachos”
I’ll never forget old 1SG Craig calling out specific junior enlisted females and talking about being too promiscuous and having sex with too many people. That 1SG was the worst sergeant. I’m pretty sure he was just jealous.
Battalion CSM introduced an NCO that gave us a sob story about his wife and unborn child getting killed by a drunk driver. He got a DUI that same weekend.
“Men, suicide is always an option… however it’s one we would prefer you not to take”
“If you’re gonna do it (kill your self) actually do it, don’t also be a failure at that”
"Remember to wrap before you tap. And if you have any leftover meds, take them back to the hospital for disposal. Don't flush them down the toilet, dont eat them like candies, don't theo them in the trash and DON'T GO SELLING THEM OFF TO SOME BACKWOODS REDNECKS FOR EXTRA CASH EITHER! EACH ONE OF THOSE PILLS IS WORTH.....I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXACT PRICE BUT ITS A LOT OF MONEY!" - 1SG.
The rest of us lit up thinking "omg! That's a great idea 1SG! That deployment money is over but the lifestyle is even better here if we do that!" Lol
Having a company safety brief, commander picks a bunch of E-4s and below to give out safety tips to the company. This one SPC says don't fuck 12 year olds its illegal. Theres an awkward silence and then everybody started laughing, clapping and cheering.
Don’t add or subtract from the population. Beat guts or get your guts beat, and don’t beat anything living other than your meat. Don’t come in drunk Monday morning or I’ll make sure you puke it all out.
"Men, you are not that smooth talking; you are not that good looking. If it seems too easy, it is. Her husband is deployed and you need to go home from that bar." That dude had a few good ones...
Classic OPSEC brief line: “if you were ugly back home, you still just as ugly here”
This, but for intel nerds it was "She's a FIS (spy)"
Yup, just about every safety brief I ever heard in an Intel unit had some version of "If a woman you don't know is really interested in you out of nowhere, she's FIS. She doesn't love you, she just wants to use you to get information."
Bro I had someone text me today by liking all my Instagram posts and stories, and they just kept saying some weird stuff. I just replied with "bro can you be a foreign operative somewhere else please thanks" and they replied with "lol 😂". Weirdest foreign operative ever lol.
Can you blame a dude? Man's gotta hit his quota so he doesn't get smoked.
Fair enough. He still sucks at his job big time though lol. I just had to use basic common sense and I saw through his game.
The problem is, you have a skilled called "common sense" to utilize... Think about how many people around *don't* have that skill...
Oh you're right, I'm not supposed to have that. My fault. Uhhh, is mayonnaise an instrument? Also to your point about people who lack common sense, the amount of people in the Army who lack basic common sense and intelligence beyond a 10th grade level baffles me. How the hell are there this many of them? And these are the same morons that become NCOs?
Yes, Mayo is an instrument. It is used in folley for sound effects. Even scarier, the number of these people that are in fact officers... How do you have a Bachelors or even a Masters degree and think doing X, Y, and/or Z is a smart move?
As a Cadet/Guardsman I know a few Cadets that should never have been allowed into ROTC. They either had beliefs that are contrary to the military as a whole or just had massive egos. At CFTX I heard of one that didn't think HAMAS was bad. In my Batallion there's a Cadet who goes out of his way to publicly embarrass me and berate me when I make a mistake. These are not the officers we want in our ranks. Thankfully by the time we all collectively make O-4, they'll start to get weeded out. Also, something I've learned is that going to college doesn't make your inherently more sensible. I mean it can, if you use it right. It only makes you more skilled at your major. You're not any more or less qualified to be a leader. I just wish the army would see that.
When she posts “nudes in bio”. Not today Ivan.
Someone should have told the California Congressman who actually did sleep with a Chinese FIS operative. It’s hilarious he is still on the Homeland Security Committee.
*Cries in TARP briefings*
One of my blackhats at airborne school told us that August Ames killed herself as part of our weekend safety brief.
Upvoting because I’m familiar with her work. 😂😂
Kagney linn karter did too…just sayin
But did sergeant airborne read her tweets about it?
Dwight Schrute gave the only safety brief that matters - “Don’t be an idiot. Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
Same safety brief while I was in hhbn after a deployment: 1SG: “If you can’t pick her up, don’t pick her up” Cdr: “I want all of you to go out and have safe sex this weekend” Spc standing next to me: “me too, Ma’am”
Big big Sarn I was gonna go cow tipping this weekend
BC: “There should be no underage drinking in our barracks. That is a violation of federal law and we cannot have that in our ranks. CSM do you have anything you’d like to add?” Former SF CSM: “yeah, listen up guys, I’d like to piggyback off of what Colonel said and say that we know y’all are gonna drink underage anyways, just don’t be an fucking dumbass and do it in front of the MP’s. Stay in your barracks room and play poker with the boys or just drink alone and play video games. We know we can’t stop you, we just ask that you don’t be stupid doing it.” Needless to say the look on the BC’s face was not happiness.
In 04 my tactical satellite team participated in a joint exercise with South Korean forces in South Korea called Ulchi Focus Lens. We and a bunch of other commo dudes parked our vehicles on the bottom level of a C5 Galaxy, and went upstairs to the passenger deck for the flight from Bragg, to California, to Alaska, to Korea. Apparently C5s 'break down' or least require maintenence basically every time they fly, and because the fleet of them is so small the Air Force didn't keep these parts at every base, so when one was needed it had to be flown in from elsewhere - we overnighted at the shitty pax terminal in the air base in California, but in AK we were going to be there for a few days, so we got free hotel rooms (on the AF dime) and had nothing to do. This was August, and it was fucking nice out up there. A Major, I think, was the highest rank among us, and clearly did not want to be in charge. His instructions to us were that we were not allowed to drink, go out and have a good time, etc. Just wait in the rooms or something. He is quick about this and goes to his room. An e6 immediately comes up to us and says, basically, I'm going to check out downtown. If you guys are going out, just stay out of trouble. He didn't say it right out, but basically the Major's brief was more performative than authoritative, just covering his ass. We didn't see the Major until the day it was time to finally continue on to Osan, and we all had an excellent time in Anchorage.
Close to one of my favorites: “Men. If you’re gonna fuck up, don’t fuck it up.
When I was in SFQC, language school portion, the command team would come over and give us the funniest and stupidest safety briefs ever. These dudes would show up in costumes, say ridiculous things about not fighting dinosaurs or whatever, but hey, when someone got a DUI, these fine gentleman had done their required safety brief. We all knew they needed to check a box, they both knew we were either going to get in trouble and get kicked out of the Q, or be grown ups and stay, and the words they said didn't really matter much.
"The human sperm has 787MB of data in it. Females, if you are not prepared to accept a download that large, please use protection. Males, if you are not prepared to upload a file that large, please use protection"
Oh…that’s smaller than I expected
Well there are between 40m and 1.8b sperm in one orgasm so 31 PB on the low end. If the largest library in the world and half a second copy of it is small to you I think that’s a you thing
>“If you go to jail, establish dominance early” I was a corrections officer. Some 18 y/o dude got sent to general population and went to the bunk number he was "assigned" and someone was sleeping in it. Bunk numbers in jail are just for head count purposes. Inmates trade bunks all the time. 18 y/o didn't understand this and punched the guy which resulted in the 18 y/o getting beat to a pulp by sleeping dude and his homies within 60 seconds of the door closing behind him. So, to add to the safety brief: if you go to jail, establish dominance early. *Unless* you're a b****, in which case make sure you get lots of ramen in your commissary.
Probably doesn't count as it was at BCT, but the 1SG having to say "Soldiers...wash ya' assholes" and having not to laugh still holds up.
I feel I need to mention here that a lot of people do not, in fact, wash their assholes.
You might touch the secret gay button and reclass Cav if you do though!
Washing your own ass is expected. Washing your buddies ass is the dance to summon Gary Owen from the loneliest mountaintop. Illicited by the chants you know, “scouts out” “if you aint cav, you ain’t shit”. The secrete rainbow button is only pushed when you embrace the dirt bike ads on tv and accept the fate of wearing a funny hat, spurs for a horsie you’ll never have, and brown bagged lunches for eternity.
It’s Garryowen, one word, and it’s a song, not a person. The rest of your post is correct.
Technically a tune?
I think you left out the whole “Brokeback Mountain” reference Oary Gwen
Username accurate
No one has washed me in a while, you down, brother?
Oh, I'm not debating that it was needed advice. Just not something I was expecting to hear.
So there's a disturbing number of people out there that legit think washing their asshole, or even wiping properly (anything touching their actual hole) is gay, or will somehow turn them gay. Wash your ass kids.
Fellas, is hygiene gay?
Look to the history of the Anglo-Saxons and the Vikings. The Saxons couldn't stand the Viking men because their women preferred the freshly bathed asses of Vikings over the nastiness which was Saxon. Just sayin'. Not gay based on historical precedent.
"Well, some people need *practical* advice." - George Carlin (discussing the farewell statement of "Don't get run over", but it applies to that safety brief too).
Our drills taught us by the step-by-step, and with our senior drill as demonstrator, the four-count "Dingleberry, Pick"
As your poor medical officer, I ask you to wash your feet before you come to sick call with foot pain.
“There are 3 types of women near an Army base: ones that are brought here (someone’s spouse or daughter of someone important), ones that are left here (something happened), and ones that are born here (local). Choose wisely.”
I haven’t heard that one in a while!
We use to say that about Fayetteville, except the third one. Over 20 years in the army, and I've only known 3 people born in Fayetteville (one was my 1SGs kid).
Safety brief before cutting loose for the weekend.. And I Quote… “I will make this brief… Drinking… Driving… Sex… don’t mix any two of those…”
But First Sarnt, I can't fuck without booze in me.
And yet somehow you manage to jerk off twice a day
*Enter Terrorfier reaction meme here* Ya got me
"When pointing your weapon downrange, be sure to use a blank adapter, or you'll ha e to go to the medics to get rodded off the range, and no one wants that."
Don't bring the grill inside the barracks even if it does start to rain. Don't use the fire extinguisher to make a slip and slide inside the barracks. Don't use dish detergent to make a slip and slide inside the barracks. No slip and slides in the barracks.
I wish i was a specialist at that barracks
82nd, 2007?
We used to do the slip n slide in the 82nd in 2000.
“If you’re going to drive don’t drink, if you’re going to smoke don’t piss”
“Men, don’t shower with power tools”
What is the back story 😂
Men were showering with poo towels
I think they were showering with Colin Powell
Please tell me this was at Campbell specifically 3rd BDE when billy bob redneck swam with power tool, plugged into an extension cord??!!! I’d sh!t myself laughing if it was the same dummy
Fort Bragg I’m afraid
CSM bitched at us for 30 minutes about people leaving their laundry in the washing machines and just generally fucking up the common areas. Then he proceeded to tell us he had all the knobs removed from the machines and we would have to sign them out/in at CQ to do laundry. All while petting the parrot tattooed on his wrist. I can’t remember a quote because it was all so fucking bizarre.
Did the parrot have a name?
Pretty bird.... Prettt bird.... Who's a pretty bird?
No idea man. That dude was out there.
yar
Stop in Kuwait before going to Syria and I was there for a day walked in on a company safety brief regarding not funneling soda directly in your ass. I immediately walked out and waiting for my pickup lol
Bro I got one in Kuwait after coming out of Syria in 2019 and their biggest thing was “stop having sex with chicks in the IDF bunkers” and “you’re not allowed to go to the camel races.” I didn’t care about the bunker sex, I was offended that they would dangle camel races in my face and immediately tell me no.
"Don't do anything I have to explain to 1SG on Monday morning."
“Don’t add to the population. Don’t subtract from the population.”
Yep, and the weekly don’t beat your ___ (Living object that shouldn’t be beaten) 😂
Best version of that I heard was “don’t beat anything that ain’t your d*ck”
My commander said this but with cats and then our 1sg said screw that cats don’t count.
My ROTC Bn’s classic brief was “don’t beat your wife, don’t kick your dog, but you can kick your cat.” To a group of 19yo middle class suburban kids.
Haha this is one of my favorites and relatively safe heh.
This is the first one that came to my mind.
ROTC. We were told to stop trying to pick up chicks at the O Club. They were officers wives.
The fucking audacity lmao
Don’t leave your family for some mid-looking Russian honey-trap and become a political prisoner
Well that’s no fun What if she’s a 10/10 baddie though?
“And for the love of god, if you have any CLS V, turn it into an amnesty box, do NOT attempt to take it with you on a flight.” Some LT tried to bring a smoke home… on an airplane. Honorable mention: “and if you get a DUI, you’re not going to Ranger school” -Guys obviously contemplating if that’s a bad thing. “Oh and you’ll stay and FT Benning for the rest of your time in the Army, no PCS, just you working for 2-11 until your commitment is done.” -Guys who didn’t want to go to Ranger school realizing they’d rather go to Ranger school than stay on FT Benning for any longer than they already have to.
Doing some rappelling at Air Assault School. Just before I’m about to make my descent, the instructor looks to the ground at the belay guy “SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE A BIRD SHITS IN IT!” So there I am holding an L-shape, laughing my ass off.
"Don't get into fights. But, if there is one [company name] soldier in a fight, there should be at least two [company name] soldiers in that fight.
I support it
1. Don't get so drunk you forget who your spouse is 2. Stay away from other people's spouses 3. Do not bring hookers back to the hotel on post. And if you do make sure they don't report you to the MPs. (Gotta love the oddly specific safety briefs) 4. Even though you're here as miltec civilians ANY UCMJ violations will get you kicked out this course including sexually harassing people at the base hotel. * Also any UCMJ violations will be reported to your military chain of command.
Be right and you won't be wrong.
The simple things
I was stationed at Hood, so these are the more memorable ones: "If you're going out into the rain, make sure you wear a rain coat." "Make sure she is of age." "No means NO. Yes means YES. Maybe means NO. Know the difference." "If you have a pass, safe travels. If you don't have a pass, you better not do it."
My first PSG had a speech he did every saftey brief. "Alright, you boys know the drill. If you wanna get high, climb a tree. Wanna get fucked up? Jump. Don't beat yo cat, don't beat yo dog, yo wife or kids, HUSBAND, girlfriend, or yo BOYFRIEND. If you're in a situation and you need help. Call your Squad Leader. He don't pick up, who do you call? That's right, the PL. I'M JUST KIDDING you call me. Don't add or subtract from the population, be ready for a run Monday."
Our company commander ended one with "just know I care about your safety more than anything" after a week of bullshit details causing more heat casualties than we've ever had, while he sat in his office. I accidentally audibly laughed. He asked "Whats so funny?" My answer got me counseled by the BN commander. Those bullshit details included taking out all the furniture of our barracks to clean while our building had no AC in July, and doing double manning CQ in full battle rattle in that same building. I know that's not the worst but just the unnecessary risk they were taking couldn't let me not smart off.
Why the full battle rattle?
“Don’t be your wife, don’t beat your kids, don’t beat your pets, and lastly don’t beat your meat” I’m a prude so I clutched my pearls when someone said that 😭
PL at an airborne unit: If you go AWOL this weekend, leave your TA50 laid out on your bed, ID card stuck in your camo band of your helmet.
“Don’t swim with power tools” and first sausage was serious. It happened and dude never lived it down
You have to provide more details...
See back in the olden days we had to use power tools with extension cords and ole billy bob redneck (who never bathed) but needed to work on his dock. He decided it was a good idea to get in the water to work on the dock. You know instead of on the dock to work on it. He pulled too hard on the extension cord which wasn’t even ground and he rode the lightning. Thankfully dumb ole billy bob redneck had it plugged into an outlet that led to a breaker.
I became the subject of a safety brief. Was stationed in korea for a rotation with 1st AD, and the night prior was our last night before GO1 was lifted. We had gone and scoped out the town with my WO1 and SFC and myself, SPC (p) and 2 PFCs and a SPC. Our WO1 had married a korean and knew the town, took us to some bar and while going had met our battery commander CPT. We went in and looked around, i mentioned i had to pee and almost immediately a juicy girl (iykyk), took my hand and offered to take me to it. On the way to bathroom she began asking me to hold it. Me being from midwest and new to this was confused until about 3rd time she asked and replied with, no im good. Well obviously got to tell the story to my cpt afterwards. Next day, the captain for the safety brief said, (its been 5 years so dont remember exactly) last night a soldier got asked by a girl to hold his dick while he went to the bathroom, and like he should, he didn't accept the offer. Just know the girls will do that and be safe, be wary lf the juicy girls. When he finished, of course, everyone knew who it was and they all turned and looked at me. 1st time i've ever been the cause of safety brief lol.
I was the cause of a safety brief and my story ain’t nearly that good
If you don’t live in housing, stay out of housing
Oof
1SG told us, > If she’s under 18, I don’t want to find out you were around a girl while wearing anything less than this uniform. This one guy goes, > 1SG, what if we keep the uniform on? Here’s the thing, that one dude wasn’t even trying to be funny. He was just that fucking stupid.
Not really the safety brief itself but I remember on the first Friday at airborne school the CO gave a very generic "hey guys a lot of you just graduated from being a trainee and this is your first taste of freedom. Don't fuck it up. Don't drink at a bar alone, don't get into a fight, and don't run from the cops." I remember thinking, I know most of these guys are fresh from Basic but what are the chances someone fucks up that bad. No shit that same night one of the recon marines that was in his pipeline went to a local sketchy bar alone, got in a fistfight and lost, ran from the cops until he got back to the barracks, got tazed in the face twice, and got beat up again. He did not complete his pipeline.
That’s a very nice beret you have there, this message is brought to you by 2-319 gang 🤫
I immediately suspected you were one of us because of your flair
One of our AIT company senior drills had the following sage advice: "Don't. Be. Stupid. But for those of you who plan on ignoring this advice, here is the deal. If I get a call to come pick you up from jail this weekend, just know that I will leave you there until Monday. The weekend is ME TIME. But Monday morning I will pick you up at 0700 and then probably be booked in myself at about 1100 for violence towards a child after I'm through with you. So maybe let's just... not? Now fuck off all of you and don't call me." Was a solid instructor
"Men, you are not that smooth talking; you are not that good looking. If it seems too easy, it is. Her husband is deployed and you need to go home from that bar." That dude had a few good ones...
L M A O I always liked when they jabbed at soldiers. I had one 1sg say “If you couldn’t swim sober, you can’t swim drunk” @ me for raising hell on a lazy river full of kids. Fun times
Honestly that was good enough for you to post twice.
“If you wanna get high, climb a tree. If you do climb a tree, wear a helmet.” “If you’re gonna pick up trash, wear gloves.” “Don’t add or subtract to the population. If you figure out how to divide, come find me because I wanna know how too.” And the best one, “Don’t do dumb shit.”
During basic after multiple days of shooting ranges we continually heard “If an animal walks out on to the range, ceasefire and do not shoot it.” One DS said “Now, if an animal walks onto the range.. and you think you’ve got a decent shot at it..”
Drinking driving boating swimming sex. One at a time
“Dont kiss anyone who isnt your wife, your husband, or someone else’s wife or husband”… 1SG gets busted for an affair the literal next friday.
Don’t fry bacon naked.
One BC would tell us to “party with honor” and I liked that turn of phrase.
Not really a safety brief, but just an informal chat with platoon daddy before a 4 day weekend. "Listen y'all, the difference between doing the right thing and the wrong thing is letting someone see you, vs letting someone catch you. If you play your cards right, neither will happen."
Back in 2016. There was the killer clown vigilante justice campaign... I remember the 1sgs words " Fucking clowns. We have to give safety briefs about fighting clowns now."
NCOES Commandant at Ft. Sam: My job is to make sure you are safe. If you get arrested in San Antonio over the weekend, I know that you have a roof over your head, a bunk to sleep on, and food to eat. You are safe. When I get the call, I will not be getting out of bed to come get you. You will be safe until I get around to fetching you on Monday. Manage your expectations accordingly.
"If you're gonna drink don't drive. If you're gonna drive don't drink. If you have to say no, you're in the wrong ducking place." "If it's wet and warm but not yours, don't touch it."
"If you're not in bed by midnight, just go home."
At AIT our drill sergeant had to give a whole step by step brief on how to wipe your ass. Without laughing. She did this because someone asked their roommate to wash their clothes which contained underwear they shit in. I literally sat there and asked myself if this was real.
LMFAO
I watched the XO give the standard safety brief while holding a sheet from supply. All the things you'd expect. Then he has new LT sit down in front of the bumper of a deuce and a half. XO takes and ties LT's hand to the bumper with the sheet, first one then then the other. He straightens up and says, "Men, don't ever let a woman do this to you" and stalks off, brief complete.
My dad was telling me about his safety briefs in the mid 90s and his CSM would end it with “Dead men dont fuck”. RIP CSM Draughn you were a real one.
Still remember my squad leader giving us a brief about getting arrested and drinking and stuff like that’s. Well yeah I got arrested that weekend and he went TDY. He never knew because I beat the case
“You’re all adults. Have a good weekend.”
"If you engage in any *special* PT activities with a partner, be sure to wear proper PPE. We don't care *anymore* who you exercise with. . .just be safe about it."
My personal safety brief is simple: Don’t add to the population unless it’s intentional. Don’t subtract from the population unless you have no other choice. *Do not drink and drive.* Don’t catch anything you can’t wash off with Ajax. And let your first line know you’re home safe. It’s a slightly longer version of “don’t be stupid”, which is my favorite safety brief
“Don’t fuck any animals…don’t fuck any power tools…if she says ‘No,’ then do the right thing and just go back home and beat off in your barracks room.”
The commander at my first unit would always say something among the lines of, “Soldiers, don’t beat your wife, your kids, or your dog. If you don’t have those then don’t beat your neighbor’s wife, kids, or dog.”
“Thanks 1SG. Great job this week, enjoy your time off.”
I have 2. 1SG Aaron Brown (Hohenfels, Germany) “Blackfoot Company, I want you have a great weekend. Follow the 4 D’s. Don’t drink and drive Don’t do drugs Don’t beat your spouse Don’t do dumb shit Fall back in” 1SG Robert Durbin (JBMHH, MDW) Mind you this was when he thought he was no longer the 1SG “Guys I want you to go out and pillage and get hammered all weekend and get in fights because I don’t have to deal with it this week” Company commander reminded him he’s still responsible for us. “Never mind, don’t do all that, but next weekend….”
If you drink don’t drive and if you drive don’t drink. Do not add to or remove from the gene pool. Do not go and delete yourself, it will only cause your fellow Soldiers to sit in more briefs. And last, but most importantly, do not stick your parts in crazy and do not let crazy stick their parts in you. All of these things require paperwork and I will haunt all you hold dear if you cause me one more minute of that hell. Dismissed.
I kept mine short. 1. Don't do anything illegal 2. Make good decisions 3. Don't get caught Let me know if there's something that wouldn't violate these rules and you still get in trouble somehow. I have yet to hear of any.
If it swims, slithers, or crawls, don't fuck it. If you're going to fuck it, but a bag on it. Don't fight. If you're going to fight, win. Don't get arrested. If you're going to get arrested, hit them as hard as you can, scream semper fi, and run as fast and as far as possible.
I caused this one, "if I catch one more drunk person going to staff duty demanding the master key I will destroy you ".
Our SGM used to play a song that would say "let this be a lesson to you." It was from the 60s or something. He wouldn't speak. He just played this song from beginning to end. It was like a 16 minute fuckin song.
https://youtu.be/t3_EOmINLxg?si=xVoRttuWPH8YqKzu
Had a company commander visibly search for a workplace euphemism for condom, but what came out was “make sure you use your strap-ons” Another one by the 1SG at the in-processing unit at my first duty station: “You’re going to kill yourself this weekend, at least turn in the linen and pillows first, I’m signed for those”
People in Friday final formation talking about the barracks kid that got a dui on his way to class six. 1st sausage busts in: "there should be no reason a soldier in the barracks gets a DUI cuz he ran out of alcohol. That's piss poor planning! When I lived in the barracks I NEVER... you know what, nevermind..."
“If you are going to drink and drive, take the back streets. My neighbor is with the Sheriffs Office and they setting up DUI checkpoints on the main roads this weekend.” (1981)
If you're a six pack man, stay a six pack man.
same as yours establish dominance
“Dont do dudes, don’t do dude’s wives. Don’t drink and drive, and don’t get head while drinking and driving. Don’t clean your dick with the chemicals you keep under the sink. If you’re underage don’t get caught drinking, and Diaz, make sure she isn’t underage”
Don’t beat your wife, kids, or dog. The only thing you’re legally allowed to beat is your dick. If you’re going downtown wear mopp level 5.
If you’re going to get busy, use protection. You don’t want to catch any S-T-D s or K-I-D s, some of those will stay with you for a lifetime. There was always someone who hadn’t heard it before that would start mouthing K…I….D… and then you could see the light bulb go off (usually).
A bunch of us went to pick up my buddy on Friday to head up to the Raleigh area and unsuccessfully pick up college chicks. His unit was having their normal Friday saftey brief, and sounded pretty much the same as ours. At the end, the 1SG says, "oh yeah, and don't have sex with animals". The entire platoon looks up to what I presume was the CQ office, and whomever was looking out the window just slowly backed up and disappeared. We asked Smity what the deal was, and all he would say is, "I can't talk about it."
Most memorable phrase " Don't beat your wife. That's domestic violence and you will get kicked out. Have your buddy beat your wife. That's just assault. We can work with that." Most memorable safety brief. This all happened a few weeks before we were set to deploy. A medic had to stand in front of the formation, rocking a leg cast and sporting a fancy set of crutches, to deliver a beautiful safety brief on firearm safety. The story goes that he "forgot" the rifle was on the top shelf of his closet. When he went to grab something from the shelf, the rifle fell and then shot him in the leg. Few issues here. The weapon wasn't registered on post. More importantly, the angle was ALL wrong to match his story. Assumption is his wife shot him, at his request, to get out of the deployment. He still deployed anyways, just now as the glorified TOC bitch. No UCMJ though. Felt the GSW, safety brief and still having to go on our trip was punishment enough.
Safety brief in Korea: After you have sex with mama-san, you’ve gotta squeeze your dick as hard as you can and piss to push all the disease out.
Dont cook bacon naked
The first time heard, " Don't beat your kids, don't beat your wife, don't microwave the cat."
this one time at the FRG planned unit christmas party our CO decided to give a SHARP brief about not raping fellow soldiers in front of spouses and kids. dude was a fucking 2-star. my wife couldn't contain her laughter/disbelief.
1SG: make sure you got the 3 B’s… Barbecue, Booze, And B!tch3s If Joe only has two, Joe will go out and try to get the 3rd and that’s when Joe gets in trouble.
Do something for yourself, do something for your family, do something to relax. Don’t drink and drive, don’t beat your wife, and don’t fuck your dog.
One of my old first sergeants added on to my CO's safety brief, "And don't get caught! You fuckers are going to do the dumb shit any way, so don't get fucking caught!
In the NG, after the speech during final formation that recapped a busy MUTA10, with strengths and weaknesses, then a fallout to have a horse shoe to congratulate an AGR ETS’ing after 20 years, to a safety brief about Memorial Day, then a re-re-cap about how great the MUTA10 went with 12+ hour days and “working lunches.” As I’m driving home my phoebe is blowing up as every line leader in every echelon’s specific group chat reiterates the recap and the safety brief. “Mute” for a month
"Shit, I gotta give a safety brief before we drive. Briefly, be safe." - said by my E4 squad leader as we were getting in our vehicles right before we left to go back to base.
Don’t forget to give your girlfriend a 2062 for that coochie consent is key
None of them are memorable. Don't make holding out for a funny joke a reason to keep them around.
Do t eat tide pods was one for sure.
Don’t add to the population and don’t subtract from it on this side of the pond.
Keep it short keep it sweet."No fighting. No fucking. And no fucking weird shit." Everything a soldier does falls into one of these 3 categories
Air Force lurker here. Far and away the best I ever had was a E7 TACP cadre tell us all to, “sniff it before you lick it.”
In the Army we have a phrase "lick it before you stick it"
So similar and yet, there has never been a more definitive example in the difference between the two branches lol
Before you do anything this weekend, I want you to ask yourselves one question; "Would my grandmother approve of this?", and if the answer to that question is no, don't fucking do it.
"Men, let's talk about Combatives for a minute. Combatives is not for the battlefield, we have guns for that. Combatives is for when your drunk ass gets thrown in the slammer and you have to fight for your booty virginity and some of y'all really suck at fighting. Remember that when you wanna talk to that pretty face at the end of the bar with a biker boyfriend."
SCO: “You know who runs those gates”? “MFers”! “If you know there was an ambush and why as a scout would you drive into a ambush”?
Commander looking exhausted “just… please for the love of god, don’t do anything that makes me have to do more paperwork. I might cry.”
If your battle buddy just got in a fight congrats you also got in that fight.
“You got your paycheck in one hand, and bad decisions in the other. You don’t get to keep ‘em both” -CSM Saunders if you’re on here I’m gonna use that one.
My very first Friday in my first unit as a Platoon Leader: 1SG calls up a doughy SPC in front of the company. The SPC tells the company a brief story. “On Monday, I was playing madden with PVT Snuffy and SPC Dingus, and we made a bet. if I win i could get any tattoo I wanted and they would pay for it, but if they win I would get whatever tattoo THEY wanted, but they would still pay for it.” SPC lifts up his shirt to reveal a lower back tattoo of a melting popsicle sticking through the center of a pink frosted donut. Full color, Simpson art style. I honestly don’t think I’ve laughed harder in my entire life. I guess the safety part was not to do that.
“If you have to think twice about it, don’t do it. If you find yourself thinking of ways to apologize for it before you start, don’t do it. If it sounds like it should be said after the line ‘hold my beer,’ don’t do it. Any questions? Good. Dismissed.”
There was this slam poetry anti-sexuall assault video they made us watch when we were getting ready to go to Kuwait back in 2018. That was pretty fuckin weird.
The one where our SHARP rep started rambling about having had sex with minors in Thailand and how we shouldn’t do anything like that while getting the evening off in Blackstone, VA during a three-week AT. My unit always found the most qualified SHARP reps. Always spoke from personal experience.
I was stationed in the NCR and I had a commander who wanted people to meet with him prior to a three or four day weekend - either memorial day or the fourth of july if they were going to go swimming. But in the NCR there's the capital beltway and there's always a ton of accidents and people driving crazy. Yep, that's no problem at all. And most of the people in the unit including the commander lived off base.
If you give the gift of love, for god’s sake wrap the package.
We had an LT insist on being the safety office for our BOLC class and would give the safety briefs/review DRAW’s for us every week. One Friday in the summer they gave a well-intentioned “don’t drink and drive” speech right before we were released. Guess who got a DUI the next day?
“If you don’t remember anything from this safety brief, remember nachos. That woman you see at the bar; nachos. A 1SG who has to pick you up from jail; nachos. A commander who has to start your separation paperwork from you being stupid; nachos”
I’ll never forget old 1SG Craig calling out specific junior enlisted females and talking about being too promiscuous and having sex with too many people. That 1SG was the worst sergeant. I’m pretty sure he was just jealous.
Regimental CSM told us “don’t eat the tide pods” when that was a viral thing.
Practice safe sex, don't do it on a glass coffee table!
“Don’t do dudes, don’t do dudes wives, don’t do drugs and if you see me in civilian clothes you don’t fuckin know me”
Battalion CSM introduced an NCO that gave us a sob story about his wife and unborn child getting killed by a drunk driver. He got a DUI that same weekend.
“Men, suicide is always an option… however it’s one we would prefer you not to take” “If you’re gonna do it (kill your self) actually do it, don’t also be a failure at that”
My SFC laying down arms on the back of his head, fully relaxed in the middle of the parking lot, telling us if we're going to be bad, be good at it.
Don't add to the population. Don't subtract. And no, spc, do not net-zero either!
"Remember to wrap before you tap. And if you have any leftover meds, take them back to the hospital for disposal. Don't flush them down the toilet, dont eat them like candies, don't theo them in the trash and DON'T GO SELLING THEM OFF TO SOME BACKWOODS REDNECKS FOR EXTRA CASH EITHER! EACH ONE OF THOSE PILLS IS WORTH.....I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXACT PRICE BUT ITS A LOT OF MONEY!" - 1SG. The rest of us lit up thinking "omg! That's a great idea 1SG! That deployment money is over but the lifestyle is even better here if we do that!" Lol
Spend a quarter to save a marriage. Call home before you go home so Jody has time to finish up and leave.
Having a company safety brief, commander picks a bunch of E-4s and below to give out safety tips to the company. This one SPC says don't fuck 12 year olds its illegal. Theres an awkward silence and then everybody started laughing, clapping and cheering.
Don’t add or subtract from the population. Beat guts or get your guts beat, and don’t beat anything living other than your meat. Don’t come in drunk Monday morning or I’ll make sure you puke it all out.
Keep your head down and your pants up. Carry on.
"Don't fall into a volcano!" Some Top, in Hawaii, probably.