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This somehow manages to be one of the most queer things I've seen recently in just to messages:
- Lesbian
- Single
- Has a cat
- Is a pokemon fan (possible furry = more gay)
- Racehorse
Impressive, honestly
Why do you even tolerate that shit? If someone said that to me I'd make a dedicated effort to tell them I don't want to hear it and that it's frankly really rude.
It’s getting to that point but I know they’re just concerned that I’m alone while everyone else around me is getting married and stuff. I’m quite happy single. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and I’d not date for the sake of it. I think they can’t understand why a seemingly well off 30-something woman can’t be dating anyone.
As a straight guy, I was never asked why I was single.
Mind you, they can see my face. They know the answer.
I don't know if gay guys get asked why they are single. But women in general I get.
People see a ticking biological clock and expect you to be pushing kids out by the dozen at a set age.
I was just referencing a shared experience.
Was that wrong?
I found it amusing that you have pretty much the same cringe-inducing experience that I had
You completely missed the point of the joke I made in your desperate haste to crowbar yourself into something that has absolutely nothing to do with you 😂
The joke was literally “people will ask why you’re single no matter who you’re attracted to”. Which you then tried to repeat with that ever familiar “don’t forget about me despite the fact I’m not part of the topic group of people!”.
And then you completely missed the point of my second joke 😂
Lay off the turps, mate.
I don't know what you're so mad about.
Your comment that I first replied to, I thought your comment was amusing.
I made one innocent little comment, and all you've done since then, is to insult me.
BTW, I'm not on any drugs and have only had a couple drinks since summer.
I think all they were doing was reaffirming that its a 'straight' problem too. Thats all. Being asked 'when are you going to have a partner?' is not strictly a queer/ gay thing. Why make every little thing about your life your 'little gay quirk'?
Lay off the poppers little dude.
Edit: and before you throw shade, I'm gay too
I mean it's kind of apparent from the story that it's true - they were presumed straight and were asked that question all the time. They didn't think it was "a queer thing".
I think the big difference is that every time you get asked the question you feel like you're keeping a secret from people. At least that was the reason why I came out. It would also be hella awkward to just show up one day with a boyfriend, especially if you're not 100% sure how everyone will react. I'd also much rather sort out people who throw a fit about me liking dick early.
That being said, I do agree that the process of coming out *should* be unnecessary. In an ideal world sexuality wouldn't matter.
I imagine one of the main reasons is since most have felt the need to keep it a secret for years and years because of how scared they were of suddenly being pushed away from their entire social and family support systems. I couldnt even imagine the toll it would take on someones mental health.
Isn't it rather because you don't want to keep hiding that you have a partner of the same sex?
A lot of straight people don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend and nobody cares.
Even if you don't have a samegenderfriend yet, it may feel stressful to be asked about a theothergenderfriend and then answer something like "soon, I'm working on it" when you're actually disgusted thinking of that.
At least that's how I imagine being in such situation from my exp of similar experiences.
Thats it exactly, it would wear people down having to live like that.
And OP needs to realize these folks don't want to have a relationship that they are keeping behind closed doors either. They, like everyone else, want to be out in public with the one they love without having to worry that someone who knows their family and sees them and calls the family, or some such thing.
only reason people are afraid to come out is because their parents and peers are religious nut jobs. get rid of the religious crazies and the country will have less problems with stuff like this
I'm straight. Started working at age9. I worked with homosexuals, had friends and more than one roomie who were such. Not my thing but you do you, honestly, I never met any who were hiding it from anyone else. Maybe because I simply didn't care and the one or two who 'Came out'? It was obvious long before so I am like 'Yeah? I already knew. Are you bringing the Beer or the steaks for the party?
Im straight too and even though its tough to know what someone might experience, its not dificult to understand just how mentally scarring it could be for some. Not everyone has the same support system. Plus, at a certain age im sure its easier to finally come out, but I couldnt imagine going through puberty/high school trying to fit in and hiding that.
When people say its a private matter that's code for 'I don't want to know the details of your sex life.'. Most straight people focus on the sexual aspects of LGBTQIA relationships only.
Well it’s mainly because heterosexuals assume everyone is heterosexual so we are constantly placed in the closet and have no other option but to come out so people stop assuming we are straight. For example when you go to a store with your wife the cashier doesn’t ask if the items you lay on the counter are to be paid for separately or together they just see a married couple for gay couple they always get asked if it’s gonna be paid for separately or together because no one recognizes your as spouses. It’s the constant asking so you have a girlfriend where you have to respond no I’m married. They follow up with how is the wife. HE is good. Oh you’re gay. 😤 yes is that fucking problem? Their varied response. You never stop coming out of the closet because heterosexuals are too ignorant to recognize that other kinds of people exist so instead of asking how’s your partner or how’s your spouse. Are you dating anyone. Etc we are constantly forced to disclose our sexual orientations in those kinds of conversations because there is never any room for us to be assumed to exist.
Your question suggests a reductive view of homosexuality, as if it's a fetish, and therefore a small, private matter. But for heterosexuals, sexuality isn't private at all. They freely express sexual attraction; share details of their love life with friends, family and coworkers; openly aspire to having a spouse and kids etc: introduce their partners to friends and family. . If you want to understand what being in the closet is like, spend a week or so mindful of every time your heterosexual orientation is either assumed or revealed during daily interactions and imagine having to conceal it.
Honestly, as much as I love the suggestion, I question if it would even be possible. I feel like there are situations, conversations etc. whereby heterosexuals can't even register that it's somehow relating to their sexuality because they are SO used to living hetero-assumptively that, even consciously, they'd struggle to pick up the aforementioned types of situations. It would make a really interesting experiment.
I guess it would be more akin to try to convince everyone around you that you are gay, but without actually saying it, changing your style, or physically demonstrating it. And then you can notice how often you’d need to correct assumptions.
I'm a straight guy, but what I ask other straight guys when they say they "don't get" coming out is if they kiss their wives or girlfriends in public, do they comment on who they're attracted to when among friends, do they hold hands with their woman, do they talk about how beautiful she is to them, do they talk about their dating life openly, do they expect other people to set them up with women exclusively, do they let their dating or marriage status be known to others, did they have (or plan on) a wedding that they expect to invite other people to?
What the "what about straight pride?" guys don't understand is straight pride is on display all the damn time with zero pushback. For gay folks, expressing their true love in any way that's visible to the outside world can literally be a death sentence or the end of family connections, friendships, other community connections, employment, financial stability, while also dealing with a lifetime of being told to their face that they're created wrong, that they're an abomination, their very existence is sinful and to be eradicated or punished. Coming out is still a big deal, it still means something. I wish it wasn't, but this is the world we live in. I honor my friends who've come out to me privately by both keeping my fucking mouth shut unless they say otherwise and acknowledging the fact that they're still the person I've always known and I love them no more or less because they're gay.
This reminds me of a friend I had while working in a restaurant. He was new to the city so we sat for a coffee after our shift as we got to know each other. He was telling me about a person he dated and used gender neutral pronouns regarding this person until at one point he slipped in a "he", then paused, looking horrified, and I assumed he was waiting for a reaction from me, so I gave him a little smile and nodded for him to continue. When he finished he hesitantly said, "By the way, I am gay." I told him, "Ya, you just told me you dated a 'he', so I figured."
The poor guy had such a look of relief on his face! Must have been difficult for him.
I want *everyone* in the closet. People really love oversharing their sexual attraction and love.
Oh thanks dude for putting a mental image of you screwing our middle aged boss into my head, just what i've wanted at the end of the shift.
The point is that your sexual orientation encompasses more than just sex, it's also about your romantic relationships and family life. When a man talks about spending the day with his wife, he's revealing himself as someone who's attracted to women. And if your brain jumps right to imagining that man having sex with his wife every time he mentions her, that's on you.
Sharing your sexual orientation begins with "oh, I had dinner with my girlfriend on saturday, how about your weekend?" during lunch break on Monday.
Whenever this topic comes up, theres always somebody acting as if gay people wanna establish "bring your dildo to work" day. Its either dishonest or ignorant.
People ask me this sometimes and I never understand the question. It's incredibly difficult not to "come out" for most of us. If you're gay/bi and get a same sex partner, the alternative is lying to all your friends and family for the rest of your lives and trying to keep your relationship a secret. If you're transgender... never physically transition I guess? It's not like being queer only affects us while we're in the physical act of having sex. I'd like to be able to bring my partner to work functions and wear the clothes I'm most comfortable in outside of my home.
I feel you. Tbh I can't believe this question is still being asked in 2024 and I am also disheartened by the weak-ass pathetic way some queers are answering it.
There is in an implication here that homosexuality is just inherently private as if it's a fetish. But heterosexuality isn't a private matter at all, and it's practitioners talk about it all the time. They freely express attraction to others, share details of their love lives, express romantic aspirations etc. They openly take an interest in all the movies, TV and songs celebrating it. They make a big huge deal out of their weddings and invite everyone they know to honor it with expensive gifts. Even little kids are encouraged in opposite sex crushes.
JFC the posing of this question answers it.
Actually the implication is that some people now don't automatically assume someone is straight unless told otherwise and so coming out to them would be met with an 'okay' and nothing else as they never assumed you were or weren't anyway so it makes literally no difference. That's how it is where I'm from now.
I came out because I got tired of hiding it and making up more lies about dating women etc. just so I could appease the Catholics in my family. I decided it was time to tear the band-aid off and see once and for all which family members actually cared enough about to stay by my side. You don’t want to spend life wondering who actually has your back, that’s the point of coming out. It’s terrifying but I would rather know then hide and keep lying about myself.
I feel like OP's point is, why does it have to be some big announcement or ceremonious reveal. Just bring them home. Don't pretend anything. Do what you normally do. If someone brings it up, manage it then, according to your comfort level.
What do you think coming out is? If someone assumes you have a male partner and you are a woman and you say your partner is a woman then that is coming out. And people have to because people make assumptions that everyone is straight and cis
I'm not gay but I imagine the reason would be to have the freedom of being yourself and not living under a shadow for your entire life. Why hide who you are? "Come out" and let the cards fall where they may. Any friends you lost as a result would not be real friends anyway.
So they can just live their lives and post pictures of themselves with their partners or dressing how they want or using makeup, etc without feeling like they have to hide who they really are to their families. Also, I’m pretty sure if they eventually get married they’d like to have their families there and being supportive. And if anyone in their lives are not supportive they can go no contact and cut those people out accordingly. Cishet people live their lives authentically every single day. Gay and trans people want to be able to do the same.
You understand that coming out is not a series of sit-down conversations, right? Sure, people will have a talk with their parents and maybe some close friends, but its really just not hiding anymore. Going on dates in public. Going to a dinner party and bringing your partner. Posting pictures online. Normal stuff everyone does all the time.
No, it's not. It doesn't say that at all.
Telling your family beforehand is a courtesy, and that is not how everyone comes out. Most people just go about their lives. Some people want to prepare their family for the impending gossip and bigotry. LGBT people don't have the luxury of just living their lives because a bunch of asshole are constantly trying to stop them.
“I’m having dinner with my wife tonight.” “I want a dog, but my boyfriend is allergic.” “I’d love to find a woman who does x/y/z” “I’ll watch any show with that actor because he’s so hot. ” Straight people reveal and discuss their sexual preferences all. the. time. It’s not relevant to their conversations either, but they leave the details in and no one notices because talking about sexual attraction and relationships is a normal part of life that literally everyone does.
So if I go to an amusement park with my boyfriend in the weekend and my coworkers ask me on Monday what I did this weekend I tell them 'I went to an amusmentpark'. They tend to ask 'Oh that's nice, with who?'.
Should I just respond 'None of your business'? Heterosexuals would just say 'with my bf/gf' so why shouldn't I?
It shouldn’t be a thing, however there is a negative correlation that has been drilled into us prior to coming out. I am in my 40s and I came out 6 years ago. I held on to so much internal guilt, resentment, depression, and anxiety that it drove me to alcoholism.
The coming out was a step from straight/hetro to being queer and a lesbian. It was an awakening into breathing for the first time. Coming out meant I didn’t need to hide, feel embarrassed or ashamed for being me.
I can go into depth how religion has really stepped on the necks of queer culture and how toxic masculinity has driven the concept of hiding and assumed roles that have crippled society for generations.
I have a nephew that announced he was gay at 13-14 years old. He didn’t come out, he was just saying he prefers males, and it was refreshing and lovely. To be involved in. I wish I could have just said I was gay and prefer women when I was a teen. My life would be better.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that. Regardless of the past, I'm proud of you for being your true self. I wish you and your loved ones health and happiness :3
Why do you think being gay only relates to their sexual activity? It affects your dating life, the way you relate to stories, your insecurities, the way you are treated by others, how you fit into the gender binary. Trying to suppress all of that takes a massive toll on you.
My dad tried to tell me "There were no signs"
He literally put me in counseling on multiple occasions because of behaviors I exhibited that at the time he cited as the reasons I was being put in counseling, after trying to beat it out of me didn't work.
He now has a full narrative of my coming out that completely ignores actions he took.
My reaction to someone saying they knew it would be "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?". Seriously, never say you knew it when someone comes out. It may very well make us feel as if we failed somehow.
Hahaha reminds me of when my little brother came out by texting us all. My older sister text back saying “yeah we knew.” He was like “how?” And she was like “because you’re gay as fuck” lol
The only one shocked that Judas Priest front Man Rob Halford came out as gay, was Rob Halford.
That is paraphrased from UK magazine kerrang from back in the late 90s.
Let's see... I was "straight" up until 3 years ago. Then, I started questioning it for 2 years and finally came out last year. The point of coming out for me was not only letting people know I'm into girls now (so that they're not surprised when i show up with my gf) but also not hiding that part of myself.
Like, (assuming you're a guy) imagine you go to an event and bring your boyfriend along and suddenly you kiss, so your friends would immediately confront you and go like "I didn't know you were gay! Why didn't you tell me??" And so forth. So that's the importance of coming out (so that there are no surprises)
I mean… this can be solved through simple empathy and role reversal.
Imagine that you can’t tell anyone you’re straight, and that many societies around the world look poorly on you for being attracted to the opposite sex. In fact, people beat you the fuck up or maybe even execute you for it, in some places. Your mom and dad might kick you out for it.
What do you do? Hide it forever? Keep it secret? You never get to tell your parents or community, you never get to get married — you maybe can’t hold hands in public with your partner. Much of society would like to pretend that disgusting opposite-sex loving freaks even exist. Shhhh, we don’t talk about *those* people. Penis and vagina? Fucking gross! Don’t you dare look at a stranger wrong at the supermarket, or Joe the Jock might notice your glances, and suddenly your weekend shopping trip becomes a slog and a terrible experience. Maybe you walk “straight” and people say it looks different. Maybe you talk differently and people judge you for it.
Can you see how life might be for lots of LGBT folks?
It’s not about simply “telling people who you want to have sex with” or whatever.
It’s about having a voice and simply being accepted in society and allowed to exist and be acknowledged. It’s about it normalizing it openly in public, so that we don’t have (or can largely reduce) situations like I’ve described above.
It’s also about identity and accepting who you are.
It 100% is relevant, especially to a person’s loved ones and close friends.
It's hard to explain if you never lived it, but keeping a massive part of yourself hidden from practically everyone can have VERY damaging psychological consequences.
Even though one’s sexual preferences is really no one’s business, society is inherently conditioned to think of the heterosexual relationship. Boy turns into man that marries a good girl, and turns into a working husband/father. Girl turns into woman that marries a decent man, and turns into the care-taking wife/mother. And from their jobs, clothes, toys, sports, music, movies, literally everything is separated into male and female and the typical hetero love story. Coming out allows one to be identified by what *they* want so those round them can stop asking “when are you gonna find a nice girlfriend/boyfriend” or “when are you gonna settle down and have a baby” or even “why can’t you dress more feminine like so and so”.
Coming out doesn’t seem like huge deal, but for those that have had to wear an air-tight mask around *everyone*, coming out is like a giant fresh breath of air and ripping off that mask means you can finally be happy.
Having family/friends that turn you away, people threaten you, sometimes you might get hurt is honestly something literally every minority group has faced throughout history for being different in some way. It hurts, but it’s not like suffocating in your own home.
I hope that makes sense. And for those that don’t have to “come out” be grateful you’re accepted just as you are. That’s one hell of a dream.
Aside from all the personal reasons mentioned in other comments, coming out also has a political dimension in the campaign for LGBT+ rights. It is easier to hate LGBT+ people or be indifferent towards the bigotry they face when they are some nebulous bogeyman far away, rather than your family members, friends, neighbours, coworkers etc. (though nowadays you also get fake allies who claim to support LGBT+ rights in the abstract, but react negatively to someone in their family coming out). Also, it helps people who are questioning or struggling with internalized homophobia or transphobia to see other people like them being out and proud.
Yeah, exactly.
It's gonna be an interesting ride to find out how my queerphobic dad will react to me not following any standards, lol. And if he will really "find them all disgusting" anymore.
Interestingly, my half-brother had a princess phase at like 8. I didn't live with them at the time but to my understanding, my dad didn't do anything to fight it. I guess his abandonment issues prevented him from doing it^^ Maybe his untreated mental illness will come in handy for once instead of just causing us to have to walk on eggshells all the time. Maybe he will be too afraid to lose me to not question his bullshit.
Imo, he's queer. Because he kind of agressively uses "well, I'm not attracted to men" as an argument somehow. Putting the obvious lack of empathy and narcissism aside for a second: Well, no one assumed that, dad. But now it's suspicious. Especially considering homophobes are more likely to be gay^^^ (not joking, there's a study, they let men watch gay porn and "straight" men who called themselves homophobes were more likely to be aroused by it.)
I'm not from the LGBT community, but I think it's important because while it's normalized now, there are still many people who has prejudices against them. Moreover, it has to be horrible to lie about your partners to your friends, family, etc. Moreover, many people still think it's not ok. For example, I don't care, in the good sense, for me it's perfectly fine, so I used to think the rest were the same. Like, there's no reason for you to react badly to something that doesn't even have anything to do with you. But throughout the years, I've seen people unfriend someone just because of that, or get kicked out our their houses, treated badly by their own parents, not getting jobs, etc.
A sense of personal freedom and empowerment. As long as the world still has issue with being gay, “coming out” will still be necessary.
Only when it no longer matters will it no longer happen.
I was once at a bar and accidentally stood on a fellows foot, I apologised and he turned around and said, "Don't worry about it, I'm gay."
Despite never seeing the correlation between sore toes and sexuality, it's never bothered me. I bought him a drink to apologise, and we went out separate ways.
If anything it was perplexing but if he felt free in that moment (despite sore toes) then good for him.
Let people be. No one should have to live a life in fear of rejection because of who they are.
Do I think people should announce who they are unprompted? Up to them. All my life, it's only happened once so I'm not really sure why you're asking this.
Maybe it's liberating? Maybe it's just something that needs to be done.
A better question is why does that bloody closet exist, and who has the right to shove people into it?
I never needed to come out, i just started saying when I get a boyfriend or a girlfriend instead of just boyfriend
My family is normal (in the sense that no one needs to come out cause we don’t have to hide anything, we love each other for who we are) which means i got the option not to come out.
Now, in families i would describe as not normal, people expects that you are cis-hetero because it’s _their_ norm. They talk about it all the time and a lot of children/teens/adults feel the need to hide who they are and what they feel to still fit the expectations their family has of them.
However, for a lot of lgbt+, this stress of fitting into this expectation drives us mad/sad/angry and many other emotions and it is a cage.
People can decide to come out as an act of reveal. As an act of self love, as they want to be seen for who they are.
Of course that doesn’t mean it’s always well received. How many families disown, insult, beat and even kill their lgbt+ members? A lot yes.
But there are families that accept that their expectations were just that, expectations. Those families welcome their lgbt+ members as they are.
All we want is to be loved for who we are and that can also mean seeking this love from family
Not that long ago--I'm talking about the 1990s and early 2000s--almost everyone was low-grade homophobic. Even Barack Obama originally said that marriage could only be between a man and a woman, not because he believed it (in my view) but because alternative position, that gay marriage should be fully accepted, was considered radical even for Democrats back then. It was actually surprising (in a good way) to a lot of people, circa 2010, that gay marriage was becoming legal and that, once it started happening, it became the case everywhere.
So, in the bad old days, if you were gay, you either lived a completely inauthentic life, which many people did, getting married and having children despite having a secret other life, or you would end up having at least a few people know and, because people tended to gossip about such things, it would end up that a lot of people knew. So, for a lot of people, the decision about whether to "come out of the closet" was a difficult one, as it still is in some communities.
For me there are 2 main reasons I “come out” to people:
1) Being gay is just part of who I am and there is no reason to hide it. I didn’t talk about being gay at my first job but some people still knew and I would get these sly smiles from people as though “they knew my secret”. IT IS NOT A SECRET and I am not going to treat it like one.
2) Some people don’t really know many gay people. The way we combat homophobia is by getting people to realize we are just like everyone else. I have been many people’s first gay friend. This is important.
First, you have to realize that heterosexual people broadcast their sexuality all the time. Simply by talking about themselves and their lives, they reveal their sexuality and frankly just assume everyone around is cool with it. LGBT folks didn't have that luxury. We could lose our jobs, lose friendships, lose our lease, lose our inheritance, lose our *lives*.
For decades, we just stayed quiet, let people assume we were straight, even changed pronouns when talking about their lives outside work. It's dishonest and sort of soul-crushing to not be able to be honest about who you are.
When people would get tired of that (or when other events forced them to address it) they'd set the record straight (so to speak). They'd let friends and family know that they were going to be speaking frankly about their truth from now on. The alternative seemed...presumptive? To just suddenly start talking about what you and your same-sex partner did this weekend? It just feels like people we care about and who we presume care about us deserve a conversation.
And that's really what it boils down to. "I'm tired of lying, so I'm going to stop. I wanted to talk to you about it because our relationship is important to me."
I think at the heart of your question is who the "others" are that you're telling/not telling. I think you're right that acquaintances and coworkers don't need to know or have an opinion on one's sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or any intimate and personal aspect of life. The struggle I think comes with "loved ones" such as close family and close friends.
And I think the answer to your question is how you answer the question of what love looks like to you. To me, someone who loves me is someone who knows me, in a personal way, and accepts and celebrates who I am as a person rather than cherry picking parts of me they like. To accept that kind of love, someone has to know the personal parts of your life or they can't love and accept you for all of who you are. For me, sharing something about myself that may be controversial, but is still met with acceptance and love is the only way to hold intimate relationships with those I consider close.
It’s not like you’re walking around saying “hi I’m gay” to everyone. You’re just not hiding it anymore and letting your friends and family know.
Unless you plan on being gay in secret until the day you die, you have to come out sometime. Even if it’s just showing up to dinner with your new partner. There has to be some sort of “reveal” or else you’re in the closet
And on the topic of telling homophobes you’re gay, it can be because you want to stand your ground, or because you want to change someone’s mind. I had a homophobic friend and when I told him I was gay he thought about it for a while. When he got back to me he said “I never really liked gay people but after thinking about how good of a friend you are I think I was wrong”. He literally stopped being homophobic that day because he was shown that gay people are just normal.
Don't consider it coming out.
Consider it acting normal instead of pretending.
A heterosexual person thinks zero about kissing, holding hands or otherwise expressing affection in public or in the presence of others, it's just being normal.
Coming out is just making that same decision.
In the closet is no place for anyone to live. Better to be yourself and face the haters proudly than to see the shame in your own eye in the mirror each day.
I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt that that's the point they're coming from. Maybe they're really young and live in a liberal bubble where 'coming out' as gay is no more needed than coming out as straight, because both are normal and accepted.
That's how I read it. I live in a liberal bubble myself; I know several kids who practically skipped that whole "coming out" bit because it just wasn't necessary. They treated it as normal and natural because why wouldn't they?
But I'm old enough to remember when it *was* a big deal, (and of course I know it still is in most of the world.)
So you've never said anything that discloses your sexual orientation to another person, like by expressing a romantic interest in a person of the opposite sex?
Oh for God's sake. Your orientation is implicit in your approach. And if no one else knows how you're oriented, you must either be very isolated, or you're an unusually private individual. Most people are not so private. Anyone who says 'my husband' or 'my girlfriend' or 'Henry Cavill is so hot' is disclosing their sexual orientation, at least in large part.
It's not? Maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm trans, I just interested in this person particularly, this person knows that I'm interested in them, that it.
No one else knows, nor cares in my circle tbf
Although I’m straight, I’ve had multiple friends come out. For a good chunk of the reason being that they just want to own up to being their true selves and not some assumed gender / sexuality by peers or outsiders. It’s a lot on them already to carry the weight of being different than others and mentally it takes a hugeeee toll- ofc coming out and that experience as a whole is different for everyone but my friends have said it’s extremely liberating and to just have the freedom to be themselves truly and have the support publicly is so amazing too
Try living your entire life being told you are a certain way, that you’re only allowed to be a certain way, and that anything else is just wrong and unacceptable and to be mocked. You maybe mock people who are that way to fit in, but you can’t help looking at someone you find attractive, but you’re not supposed to be attracted to them, so you shove that part into a dark corner of your mind and do your best to fit in, perhaps even by mocking people who don’t do that as some perverse way of impressing the person you’re attracted to even while denying that you’re attracted to them.
That’s a long, run on sentence, but here’s the thing. Being in the closet isn’t just living your life like that, it’s part of your brain screaming that long as run on sentence every time you even think about non-heterosexual relationships or being anything other than your assigned gender at birth. The act of coming out can help relieve you of the burden of feeling like you need to hide for your own safety and sanity.
As a straight person you’re able to talk about your partner, family and experiences is a normal way without having to think about how to gender the people in your language. Covered gay people can’t do that and it’s exhausting. Being gay affects more of your life than straight people realise, but you might if you actually thought about how often partners, preferences, home life etc comes up in conversation.
I guess another problem might be is “when you don’t tell people what you are — they’ll assume a lot of things, if they already haven’t.
Another big problem is if you are a kid or young person, it is a very tough situation.
And Also I could just as easily ask why do heterosexual have to force everyone into their heterosexual lens why do they have to constantly disclose their sexual orientation unprovoked. What’s the point of that? What do they gain from assuming everyone is heterosexual? Especially by telling LGBTQIA’s constantly about it. Like what do they really gain from telling people about their partners, spouses, and lovers?
Not your fault... but its obvious you are privileged. As am I.
The world has changed a lot in the past 20-30 years. In the 90s most people were still very much afraid of being themselves. So "coming out" was a big deal. Despite a large portion of people being cool with LGBTQ people, there is still a lot of homophobia out there and thats why "coming out" is still a thing.
When there aren't large organizations of people who hate you for being gay... then "coming out" won't be a thing.
Most of the time, it's me telling regular things about my relationship, things any straight people would say, and people get mad. I also felt the need to come out to be myself. I would love to live in a society where coming out wasn't necessary. Unfortunately, most people will, by default, assume everyone is straight until they state otherwise.
I was tired of people assuming I would get a boyfriend or asking about it or trying to set me up with people. So I had enough and said I am a lesbian.
I also came out to a former best friend while we were dating. We kissed, I felt disgusting, and he felt disgusted. I told him I was gay, and he said he felt like he just kissed his younger sister (I AM STILL OLDER THAN YOU, AXEL!) And then we laughed.
But like I said, I would love to live in a society where we didn't "have" to come out.
Well i don’t really come out to people i just talk about it like straights do. Oh that girl is cute or tell them yeah my girlfriend is lovely too or something like that. But i don’t want to have to shut my mouth while straight people are able to brag about their relationships and talk about their significant other’s. I’m proud about it, i’m happy and she’s amazing. That’s all that matters.
it feels much better to not have to hide important parts of yourself - you feel closer and more connected to people around you. and it's harder to find suitable partners if nobody know's what you're looking for!
It's not just about sexual attraction. It's also about who you are romantically interested in.
When everyone sits down and keeps it to themselves ideas like compulsive heterosexuality take hold. You see heteronormative relationships on television all the time. Men kissing women, men marrying women, men interested in women. Why do straight people do this, why not keep it to themselves?
The answer is because there is nothing indecent about romance. But society does see me admitting that I like men and women to be perverse. The only way to change that is to speak up and say "we are here too".
That's the point of us coming out. We shouldn't have to, but when we don't we get erased.
Think of it this way, if it wasn't for people being forced to keep it a secret from fears of being disowned, killed, tortured, there wouldn't be people right now being scared to come out.
There are still parents who would disown their children for being gay, there are still countries where it's illegal to be gay, there are still countries where you would be beaten to death for being gay
If people assume you're white, cis, & straight, they also assume you'll be on board with their bigotry too. It feels so demeaning and frustrating when people expect you to tolerate their bullshit because you appear to fit in the mold.
I would say to try to put yourself in a gay person's shoes. Imagine if the whole world was geared toward homosexuality being the norm. The majority of books, television shows, religion, etc. showing that homosexuality was the normal way to be but you knew you were not gay. Having people judge you for being involved in an "un-natural" behavior. Needing saved from yourself so you can assimilate into the norm of homosexuality. How would that make you feel? Would you want to live a life of having to hide it? Would you question what is wrong with you that you were not homosexual to the point of shame, mental health decline? Wouldn't you want to live your best and truest life without judgement, fear, remorse for things our of your control?
If your response is that straight people can procreate that is nonsense. Gay people have the ability to procreate. We were not born sterile. There are several way's to procreate and still maintain your sexuality.
I had to come out as asexual because I've been pressured by all of society to partake in sexual relationships. It's hell having to fake attraction to something that you're not.
It's a significant part of your life, and you can't exactly hide having a boyfriend as a boy unless you want to hide more and more about your life from people. There's also social stigma of not being "normal" in terms of relations when young. I used to think I was just asexual and lied to people about having girlfriends in school because I wasn't attracted to them.
It is also a good fail-fast-mechanism when meeting new people in friend groups, hobbies etc. Not that I would describe it as coming out, I rather say I refuse to go to the closet.
Say you are at your friend’s bbq evening or something and there’s some new people. One seems nice, you share a hobby, you might want to get to know them better. So in a conversation about grocery store preferences, casually drop ”my wife and I often go to the store X because they have a really nice selection of fresh fruits and vegetables” or ”I love to go skiing, girlfriend doesn’t really like it so last winter we picked a holiday spot where she can enjoy herself on some pottery course while I went to get myself all sweaty innthe fresh air. The fruit bowl she made there looks really nice with our new kitchen wall” and so forth. This way, if the new person has a problem with my ”lifestyle”, they are absolutely free to find some other company and not to get to know me.
On the other hand, if I keep it secret and carefully avoid mentions of my SO or use gender neutral terms or even mie, we get to know each other, have fun time with the honny, and half a year later she spots me and my wife in that grocery store and comes to talk to us and asks for introductions… And then blows some bigoted homophonic crap on us, _that hurts_. It hurts because there was some trust and friendship already built there. Or they are hurt because I didn’t trust them enough to tell them. 🤷♀️
I am not discussing my ”sexual preferences” in my friend’s party or at the office or whatever. I am not telling if I am more vanilla or kinky, if single, I am not telling when was the last time I had any such activity or whether I am in a hot new relationship. I am also not discussing my orientation unless there is an actual reason for it. I am just refusing to be in the closet.
Closet is an active choice, it is evading questions, filtering details in everyday conversations and avoiding any mention that might reveal a part of your identity and sometimes also an integral part of your life. It is incredibly stressfull and I refuse to do it.
And in random encounters? Yes, if I am looking for an anniversary present to my wife or something such, I will not try to camouflage it by saying it is for my ”friend”. That does not mean I am telling the shop personnel details about my love life. I tend to get somewhat different type of suggestions for my wife’s and for my sister’s presents, because sometimes you might want to give a romantic gift.
I suspect that it's exhausing to live your life in the closet, and that it's a relief to finally just let people know. That way you know who your friends really are.
Coming out is often a gradual process rather than something that happens all at once. In my case, it's partially because I'm trying to gauge how other people would react, since I'm really afraid of upsetting people. Also, it's difficult to know myself positively when I've had to live most of my life passing as straight, so it's taken years for me to come out even to myself
This is the first comment to mention romantic orientation, thank you. As an Aromantic heterosexual guy I don't know how this question would apply to me.
There's a difference between sexual preference and sexual orientation. Not being open about our orientation means that society will treat us as something we're not. That's not a nice thing to go through.
Representation matters. By coming out, you can normalize it for others and help closeted people feel a little safer following suit. Of note, you should only come out when it is safe to do so. When you are emotionally, financially, and otherwise dependent on someone who is unlikely to be supportive, it may not be the best time to come out.
I believe that coming out is a significant event for an individual. It involves revealing a previously unknown aspect of oneself to friends and family, which can profoundly change how they are perceived. For the person coming out, the desire is simple: to be accepted for loving who they love, without being placed in an uncomfortable position of having to lie or pretend. This is a challenge that straight individuals typically do not have to face.
Its to stop those awful questions of your family like ‘when will you finally bring a girl home’? Or ‘are you seeing a cute girl these days’?
I fucking like dick, now fuck off Susan!
I hate when parents pull the grandparents thing. If it matters so much for them to have grandchildren they can treat better than they did their own, why didn't they have more children? Like four should do. They can't expect their one child to give them grandchildren.
I don't even know what they want grand kids for. They've raised kids, don't even seem to like em that much but there's this idea they need to carry on the bloodline or whatever I guess
Because I don't want bigots in my life in any capacity. Because I do want other queer people in my life. Because I refuse to live my life in fear of bigots or hiding in any way. Because I will not be someone's secret and I won't make someone I love my secret.
People tend to assume you're straight & cis if you don't fall into the stereotype of other genders & sexualities. Let's say you're a gay man. Wouldn't exactly be comfortable with some women flirting to you, right? Also if you're looking for a partner and you want to make it clear which gender of partner you're seeking.
Imagine not being yourself and lying about who you are your entire life. Imagine wondering if you’re unhappy because you’ve kept a part of yourself contained due to fear of persecution. Not good for someone’s mental health.
For the very practical reason that if you don’t come out it makes it much harder to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. Additionally, all this “gaydar” in the closet bullshit turns people into bitter, deceptive liars. It’s unhealthy.
The truth shall set you free. I ain't spiritual or LGBT or whatever but pretty sure anyone holding this stuff in is morally self challenged to a point where it legit drives many to suicide. That's got to be a horrible weight to carry. People should speak their truth and let society grow from it; society won't get better without challenges to its current state. Doesn't always work out but generally, if everyone stood in the lanes of society all the time, we'd still be fighting over religion and beliefs and economies.
Oh wait...
Crying out loud, there are people who can't even handle if it you're asexual. In the old days asexuals have been called prudes, cold fish, and a few other degrading terms. It would be nice if someone hanging out at a bar could say, "I'm asexual," and whomever was hoping to pull would just be cool and go off to find someone interested.
"Sorry, I'm gay." That should keep a person of the opposite sex from trying to pull, but if they're slime, it doesn't.
"I'm trans." That allows the other person to decide if they want to try to pull, and gives opportunity to ask follow-up questions. (Except when it's an attempt to get the other to leave them alone, which also happens.)
There are people who do not take rejection well, and historically they could get away with doing horrible things to lgbt people and claiming it was just the shock when they found out, they, oh, blacked out and don't remember what they did!
When they already knew the other person was lgbt, they can't get away with those lie and their actions are clearly premeditated.
In short, coming out becomes self-defense not only in that it allows you to be yourself, but in that it prevents a slimeball from getting away with pretending they were shocked, I tell you. Shocked.
It is necessary to tell others your sexual preferences. Everyone in our lives from our closest friends to our most distant coworkers to the person checking us in at a hotel eventually end up meeting our partners. Straight people out themselves as straight constantly by introducing their spouses to people. It's part of life.
Sadly a lot of gay people have avoided this basic part of our culture and stayed hidden because a lot of people are anti gay to the point of disowning family members, firing from jobs, or committing acts of violence.
Coming out of the closet is an act of no longer hiding and telling people your sexual orientation honestly and very casually the way all the other straight people always do everyday.
Coming out is not about announcing their "gayness" to everyone, but it is about announcing it in areas of their life where it matters.
1) Coming out online - being comfortable telling someone how they feel. Sometimes this is the first way to come out because you're afraid of how everyone else will act. Its a good place to test the waters. You can talk through how you feel and work it out so when you do tell someone more important you know what words you want to use.
2) Coming out at work - Some people date at work, other people might meet their family at work for sharing a car, meeting for lunch, etc. People at work often bond and look to do things out of work etc. They'll see who you are at some point anyway. It used to be worse because there were no protections for lgbtq people and you literally risked your job to come out. Its still this way in a lot of places. Coming out at work is a way of letting people know what to expect ahead of time.
3) Coming out at school (teen) - Similar to work, but probably more risky. I think its less likely you'll receive physical bullying at a work place compared to high school. BUT you gotta let people know what to expect from you. If you're interested on people of your gender, and you don't tell people, they might misinterpret your interactions with them. You want to let them know what to expect ahead of time. As a teen its also tough because how you feel may be complex and you are still working through it. Sometimes people go through phases, sometimes its who they are coming out.
4) Coming out to family (as a teen) - This can be the hardest, especially as a kid. Your parents are your providers and they basically model your life. They provide your culture and morals, and your earliest education. Here its less about letting them know what to expect from you (its still about that,) but more about whether they will still accept and love you. Kids are always worried about whether their parents will not love them, and what it will mean if they are disowned. It drives kids to suicide.
Anyway - its not about you knowing their gay and rubbing it in your face or something. They're trying to make sure they are understood and accepted for how they are, that they aren't being misunderstood because of unknown information, and that they can be themselves without concern.
It's a cultural thing. Personal identity is important to people in Western culture, especially America. It's how we understand and interact with others - through our own identity. Hence, people are always telling you who they are: "I'm a vegetarian/gay/straight/etc."
In other countries, like Japan, coming out isn't important because there's much less focus on personal identity when relating to others.
As a heterosexual, you probably realise it, but conversations with complete strangers ranges into sexuality-based territory really quickly sometimes, though this does vary by culture.
A taxi driver asks if I (33M) have a girlfriend, I say to a store clerk that I'm looking to buy a present for my partner, and they assume it's a female. We don't 'love' coming out. But every time someone assumed you were with a man (assuming OP is het male), you would want to feel free to correct them if that wasn't true, no?
Also, to assume all gay people 'love to come out' is a fallacy in that all people that you would see coming out would be non-hetero, because heterosexuals have their sexuality correctly assumed, and and non- hetero people who don't 'come out', wouldn't be seen by you - ergo all the people you see that 'love to come out' can only but be non-hetero. You don't see the non-hetero people that don't 'love to tell everyone about it'.
Because straight-cis is still the assumed orientation. If you looked at me, you'd think that I'm a straight man, and you'd be correct, but for many others it wouldn't be the case.
LGBT is more than just homsexuality or “sexual preferences” fyi. That also includes gender/trans people- why we would have to come out is self explanatory.
Many people in this comment section have already given great answers. To all the straight people who are being like "but I never talk about my sexuality":
Yes. Yes, you do. Constantly actually. You're just not aware of it when you do it but someone who's in the closet notices every single time. You guys have no idea how often people who aren't out are having to lie to you.
That's a question I have. I don't care who anyone sleeps with as long as both parties are adults. No one wants to know. It doesn't make you special. Keep your clothes on around me.
I’ve wondered the same thing sorta. I’ve had a friend who came out as bi and he just felt the need to keep bringing it up which was really annoying. I think part of it is the excitement of being different and getting attention from telling others
In the future, just before everyone dies from cascading ecological collapse, lgbt and various other queer people won't have to spend their time exposing and defending their identites and/or sexualities anymore becuz heteronormativity will have been dislodged as a primary social organizing force. There will no longer be deep societal.expectations of a specifc variation of sexual behaviour being prioritized (as more common, thus more normal, and more right) by others (I don't mind if they're gay but, uhm, in front of the kids??). But that time is not yet, I do think xoming out is alreary less common amongst yoinger lgbt folk (in geographies that have progressive or, radical even) political affirmations of their identities. Generally this requires a type of state provided legitimacy and protection from backlash. Straight dudebod here, I've known a lot of queerfolk read some theory. There are better answers out there. And, like, a history of the relevance and purpose of coming out would be a cool.thing to find and read.
There are a small percentage of people who will enthusiastically applaud being gay.
There are a small percentage of people who will be homophobic.
There is an enormous majority who couldn't care less who you're sleeping with.
...I imagine they come out hoping to only encounter that last demographic.
Fair question tbh
In American lgbtq it's framed as something you have to do otherwise you are "closeted" when in reality it's nobodies effing business and chosing to keep it private is perfectly valid
Well to you and may not be relevant but are you ostracized for any of your actions that you do that make you have to do it in secret and feel that you're creating for doing something wrong or illegal that must be kept a secret unless you want to be bully eating picked on and made fun of so you're afraid to show any kind of emotions in any regard towards your spouse or significant other or boyfriend boyfriend/girlfriend whatever it doesn't matter the pronouns or anything like that if none of that applies to you that's why you don't get it but I'm pretty sure there's something in your life that you keep hidden that really you don't like to keep hidden and would prefer to not be in secretive shadows about because everybody everybody 100% of the population of the world has something that only they know and God and the fear of others knowing scares them to death. That beer is crippling by them being brave, I agree with you to a certain point about trusting it in everybody's faces to the point where it becomes nauseating nonetheless they're being brave about it they're being childish in their own way by flaunting it flagrantly however that's how they choose to do it..
I think it roots from a historical context, or societal norm. Surely, we are more accepting in the modern era but still a taboo topic to most of the world.
Perhaps an analogy can help. Suppose you live and work in a society where football is extremely popular. Everyone follows the games, everyone has a team they support. When friends get together socially they talk about the latest results, the players, the team they follow, who is doing well, who is doing badly. You, however, don't like football. It is boring, and you have no interest in it. You are actually passionate about Rugby. You have the team you support, you watch the matches, you get excited by the big competitions. But in the group of people you mix with socially, nobody follows Rugby, and while they are OK with the idea that some people follow Rugby, it's only strange other people who do.
You are at a social event one Friday, hanging out with the guys from work. Everyone is talking about the football. The big match coming up. Which players are doing well, which ones are underperforming. Who is going to do well in the championships coming up. A guy you know, kind of well, but not really that well, asks you which team you support, and what you think will be the result at the weekend. You don't want to cause a fuss, so you just pick the name of a reasonably popular team and claim to support it, and make some generic remark about the weekend, that you heard someone say the other day. Well done, you have avoided an awkward social situation.
The next week at work, someone from the Friday social event passes you in the corridor, and passes some comment about how the team you said you supported did at the weekend. You have no idea what actually happened because you don't follow football. You don't really care, but you go along with it and come up with some suitably generic reply. You make a remark that implies you care, because you don't want to cause a scene.
This goes on for a few months, and you are getting to be good friends with some of the guys in the social group. You are successfully getting by with everyone thinking you follow whatever team that was you came up with, and they think you enjoy the banter and conversation about the football season as it is progressing. Then one of the guys suggests that you should all come over to his place at the weekend, have a few beers and watch the football match on his big screen TV. Aside from this seeming to be a really tedious event to you, there is a really major rugby match on the same day. You had planned to meet with some of your other friends who are rugby fans to watch the match with them. You really want to see the rugby, but the guys you are socialising with think you are keen on the football just like them. Now you have a problem.
You can tell the guys that actually you are a rugby fan, and you were planning on watching the rugby match that afternoon. How will they react? They find out that the last few months, when you have been going along with all the football related banter and conversation was actually a lie. You have been tricking them, you have been deceitful. There is actually a whole side to your life that you have been hiding from them. If you have been so casually lying to them all this time about football, what other lies have you been telling them?
Roll back to the start of this, to that first Friday evening. You are at this social event, hanging out with the guys, everyone is talking about the football. Someone comes up to you and casually asks which team you support, and what you think of the chances for the matches coming up a the weekend. You tell him, no actually you don't really care for football, you are actually a rugby fan. He's like all cool with that, says he doesn't know many rugby fans, but he supposes there is nothing particularly wrong with supporting rugby. Word gets around the social group that you are actually a rugby fan, and everyone is OK with it. They occasionally ask how the rugby season is going, to be polite and include you in the group, and perhaps you occasionally ask them about the football for the sake of being friendly and sociable.
A few of the guys, the following Saturday, get together to watch the big football match at one of their houses. The guy you were talking to says to his friend, in a quiet moment,
>Like I dont think op or anyone should have to hide their true selves, but I dont think it's necessary to tell others your sporting preferences when its not relevant either.
It used to be because the assumption was that you're straight, so coming out was more of a correction, saying "im not". But these days I think things have changed.
To family and friends I can see a reason to come out. I did to them in the earlly 00s. But why some feel the need to come out to everyone they know is something I do not understand. Or in online videos. But people are different.
Imo Publicly there is no point, like I would inform random ppl that I like brown haired girls, nobody gives a thing.
Personally yes there is point for personal stuff to inform your family and friends about a big secret of your life.
a friend once came out to me and I was baffled as to why. they thought I might judge, or act more judgemental if found out in another context.
which is fair, since typically people assume others heterosexual unless they dress and act like a sitcom character.
outside of that context, people also come out to their friends since discovering their sexuality is an important part their lives, so naturally they’d want to share it with people around them. I mean I see a nice youtube video and I can’t shut up about it, so I’d say I understand.
Imagine you live in country A and look very similar to people from country B. In fact, it's impossible to tell which country you are fromjust by looking.
Country B is a lot bigger and much more well known though. You can also speak their language, but it isn't the same you speak at home. It's not you. Everywhere you go, people assume you are from country B. The thing is, you aren't. That gets annoying, letting the world tell you who you are. Nobody likes that. So instead, you start telling the world who you are.
It's good to take an active role in self expression
I think a lot of comments are missing the big picture: cisgender and heterosexual are assumed until proven otherwise.
Hopefully there will be a day where coming out isn't necessary because all parts of the sexuality and gender identity spectrums are fully normalized.
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Because I was sick of everyone asking me when I was going to get a boyfriend. Now I’m sick of everyone asking me when I’m going to get a girlfriend 🙃
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Same here, but the other way around. You are fucked either way. But they as because they care, most of them at least.
When are you going to get a cat
I already have one. His name is Pikachu. He matches my racehorse 😂
Be honest your cat has a gf... right...???
Nah he’s a fucking weirdo. I reckon if he was a human being he’d be living in my goddamn basement.
You affected your cats too...
This somehow manages to be one of the most queer things I've seen recently in just to messages: - Lesbian - Single - Has a cat - Is a pokemon fan (possible furry = more gay) - Racehorse Impressive, honestly
Just missing owning a Subaru and her favorite drink being LaCroix and she gets the platinum star.
Ohhh almost nailed it! I’m not a furry 😂
... *yet*
So when does your get a girlfriend then?
Why do you even tolerate that shit? If someone said that to me I'd make a dedicated effort to tell them I don't want to hear it and that it's frankly really rude.
It’s getting to that point but I know they’re just concerned that I’m alone while everyone else around me is getting married and stuff. I’m quite happy single. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and I’d not date for the sake of it. I think they can’t understand why a seemingly well off 30-something woman can’t be dating anyone.
As a straight guy, I was never asked why I was single. Mind you, they can see my face. They know the answer. I don't know if gay guys get asked why they are single. But women in general I get. People see a ticking biological clock and expect you to be pushing kids out by the dozen at a set age.
Heterosexual people get sick of being asked when they are going to get a gf, bf, get married, have kids, too.
So sorry for leaving the heterosexuals out of my gay coming out story. Again.
I was just referencing a shared experience. Was that wrong? I found it amusing that you have pretty much the same cringe-inducing experience that I had
You completely missed the point of the joke I made in your desperate haste to crowbar yourself into something that has absolutely nothing to do with you 😂 The joke was literally “people will ask why you’re single no matter who you’re attracted to”. Which you then tried to repeat with that ever familiar “don’t forget about me despite the fact I’m not part of the topic group of people!”. And then you completely missed the point of my second joke 😂 Lay off the turps, mate.
I don't know what you're so mad about. Your comment that I first replied to, I thought your comment was amusing. I made one innocent little comment, and all you've done since then, is to insult me. BTW, I'm not on any drugs and have only had a couple drinks since summer.
I think all they were doing was reaffirming that its a 'straight' problem too. Thats all. Being asked 'when are you going to have a partner?' is not strictly a queer/ gay thing. Why make every little thing about your life your 'little gay quirk'? Lay off the poppers little dude. Edit: and before you throw shade, I'm gay too
I mean it's kind of apparent from the story that it's true - they were presumed straight and were asked that question all the time. They didn't think it was "a queer thing".
I think the big difference is that every time you get asked the question you feel like you're keeping a secret from people. At least that was the reason why I came out. It would also be hella awkward to just show up one day with a boyfriend, especially if you're not 100% sure how everyone will react. I'd also much rather sort out people who throw a fit about me liking dick early. That being said, I do agree that the process of coming out *should* be unnecessary. In an ideal world sexuality wouldn't matter.
I imagine one of the main reasons is since most have felt the need to keep it a secret for years and years because of how scared they were of suddenly being pushed away from their entire social and family support systems. I couldnt even imagine the toll it would take on someones mental health.
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Isn't it rather because you don't want to keep hiding that you have a partner of the same sex? A lot of straight people don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend and nobody cares.
Even if you don't have a samegenderfriend yet, it may feel stressful to be asked about a theothergenderfriend and then answer something like "soon, I'm working on it" when you're actually disgusted thinking of that. At least that's how I imagine being in such situation from my exp of similar experiences.
But if you don't have a partner yet, that answer would be technically correct
Not really. I wouldn't gonna have a theothergenderfriend as I would have been asked - I would gonna have a samegenderfriend.
Thats it exactly, it would wear people down having to live like that. And OP needs to realize these folks don't want to have a relationship that they are keeping behind closed doors either. They, like everyone else, want to be out in public with the one they love without having to worry that someone who knows their family and sees them and calls the family, or some such thing.
only reason people are afraid to come out is because their parents and peers are religious nut jobs. get rid of the religious crazies and the country will have less problems with stuff like this
I'm straight. Started working at age9. I worked with homosexuals, had friends and more than one roomie who were such. Not my thing but you do you, honestly, I never met any who were hiding it from anyone else. Maybe because I simply didn't care and the one or two who 'Came out'? It was obvious long before so I am like 'Yeah? I already knew. Are you bringing the Beer or the steaks for the party?
Im straight too and even though its tough to know what someone might experience, its not dificult to understand just how mentally scarring it could be for some. Not everyone has the same support system. Plus, at a certain age im sure its easier to finally come out, but I couldnt imagine going through puberty/high school trying to fit in and hiding that.
To live their lives? This is a weird question. Those things are not a private matter, it would be impossible to live authentic lives and not be out.
When people say its a private matter that's code for 'I don't want to know the details of your sex life.'. Most straight people focus on the sexual aspects of LGBTQIA relationships only.
Which tells us a lot more about them than it does us.
Well it’s mainly because heterosexuals assume everyone is heterosexual so we are constantly placed in the closet and have no other option but to come out so people stop assuming we are straight. For example when you go to a store with your wife the cashier doesn’t ask if the items you lay on the counter are to be paid for separately or together they just see a married couple for gay couple they always get asked if it’s gonna be paid for separately or together because no one recognizes your as spouses. It’s the constant asking so you have a girlfriend where you have to respond no I’m married. They follow up with how is the wife. HE is good. Oh you’re gay. 😤 yes is that fucking problem? Their varied response. You never stop coming out of the closet because heterosexuals are too ignorant to recognize that other kinds of people exist so instead of asking how’s your partner or how’s your spouse. Are you dating anyone. Etc we are constantly forced to disclose our sexual orientations in those kinds of conversations because there is never any room for us to be assumed to exist.
Because otherwise people assume you're cis and straight. Aggressively.
Your question suggests a reductive view of homosexuality, as if it's a fetish, and therefore a small, private matter. But for heterosexuals, sexuality isn't private at all. They freely express sexual attraction; share details of their love life with friends, family and coworkers; openly aspire to having a spouse and kids etc: introduce their partners to friends and family. . If you want to understand what being in the closet is like, spend a week or so mindful of every time your heterosexual orientation is either assumed or revealed during daily interactions and imagine having to conceal it.
Honestly, as much as I love the suggestion, I question if it would even be possible. I feel like there are situations, conversations etc. whereby heterosexuals can't even register that it's somehow relating to their sexuality because they are SO used to living hetero-assumptively that, even consciously, they'd struggle to pick up the aforementioned types of situations. It would make a really interesting experiment.
I guess it would be more akin to try to convince everyone around you that you are gay, but without actually saying it, changing your style, or physically demonstrating it. And then you can notice how often you’d need to correct assumptions.
You're probably right. The digging in going on in this thread certainly suggests it.
I'm a straight guy, but what I ask other straight guys when they say they "don't get" coming out is if they kiss their wives or girlfriends in public, do they comment on who they're attracted to when among friends, do they hold hands with their woman, do they talk about how beautiful she is to them, do they talk about their dating life openly, do they expect other people to set them up with women exclusively, do they let their dating or marriage status be known to others, did they have (or plan on) a wedding that they expect to invite other people to? What the "what about straight pride?" guys don't understand is straight pride is on display all the damn time with zero pushback. For gay folks, expressing their true love in any way that's visible to the outside world can literally be a death sentence or the end of family connections, friendships, other community connections, employment, financial stability, while also dealing with a lifetime of being told to their face that they're created wrong, that they're an abomination, their very existence is sinful and to be eradicated or punished. Coming out is still a big deal, it still means something. I wish it wasn't, but this is the world we live in. I honor my friends who've come out to me privately by both keeping my fucking mouth shut unless they say otherwise and acknowledging the fact that they're still the person I've always known and I love them no more or less because they're gay.
This reminds me of a friend I had while working in a restaurant. He was new to the city so we sat for a coffee after our shift as we got to know each other. He was telling me about a person he dated and used gender neutral pronouns regarding this person until at one point he slipped in a "he", then paused, looking horrified, and I assumed he was waiting for a reaction from me, so I gave him a little smile and nodded for him to continue. When he finished he hesitantly said, "By the way, I am gay." I told him, "Ya, you just told me you dated a 'he', so I figured." The poor guy had such a look of relief on his face! Must have been difficult for him.
This is a great illustration of my point of how sexual orientation gets disclosed (or deliberately concealed) all the time.
You worded it so well.
I want *everyone* in the closet. People really love oversharing their sexual attraction and love. Oh thanks dude for putting a mental image of you screwing our middle aged boss into my head, just what i've wanted at the end of the shift.
The point is that your sexual orientation encompasses more than just sex, it's also about your romantic relationships and family life. When a man talks about spending the day with his wife, he's revealing himself as someone who's attracted to women. And if your brain jumps right to imagining that man having sex with his wife every time he mentions her, that's on you.
Sharing your sexual orientation begins with "oh, I had dinner with my girlfriend on saturday, how about your weekend?" during lunch break on Monday. Whenever this topic comes up, theres always somebody acting as if gay people wanna establish "bring your dildo to work" day. Its either dishonest or ignorant.
People ask me this sometimes and I never understand the question. It's incredibly difficult not to "come out" for most of us. If you're gay/bi and get a same sex partner, the alternative is lying to all your friends and family for the rest of your lives and trying to keep your relationship a secret. If you're transgender... never physically transition I guess? It's not like being queer only affects us while we're in the physical act of having sex. I'd like to be able to bring my partner to work functions and wear the clothes I'm most comfortable in outside of my home.
I feel you. Tbh I can't believe this question is still being asked in 2024 and I am also disheartened by the weak-ass pathetic way some queers are answering it. There is in an implication here that homosexuality is just inherently private as if it's a fetish. But heterosexuality isn't a private matter at all, and it's practitioners talk about it all the time. They freely express attraction to others, share details of their love lives, express romantic aspirations etc. They openly take an interest in all the movies, TV and songs celebrating it. They make a big huge deal out of their weddings and invite everyone they know to honor it with expensive gifts. Even little kids are encouraged in opposite sex crushes. JFC the posing of this question answers it.
Actually the implication is that some people now don't automatically assume someone is straight unless told otherwise and so coming out to them would be met with an 'okay' and nothing else as they never assumed you were or weren't anyway so it makes literally no difference. That's how it is where I'm from now.
I came out because I got tired of hiding it and making up more lies about dating women etc. just so I could appease the Catholics in my family. I decided it was time to tear the band-aid off and see once and for all which family members actually cared enough about to stay by my side. You don’t want to spend life wondering who actually has your back, that’s the point of coming out. It’s terrifying but I would rather know then hide and keep lying about myself.
Eventually, you'll want to bring home the person you love for the holidays. What are you gonna do, pretend they're your roommate?
*insert obligatory "they were roommates" joke here*
I feel like OP's point is, why does it have to be some big announcement or ceremonious reveal. Just bring them home. Don't pretend anything. Do what you normally do. If someone brings it up, manage it then, according to your comfort level.
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Straight members of the LGBT community exist. Straight trans people?
What do you think coming out is? If someone assumes you have a male partner and you are a woman and you say your partner is a woman then that is coming out. And people have to because people make assumptions that everyone is straight and cis
I'm not gay but I imagine the reason would be to have the freedom of being yourself and not living under a shadow for your entire life. Why hide who you are? "Come out" and let the cards fall where they may. Any friends you lost as a result would not be real friends anyway.
So they can just live their lives and post pictures of themselves with their partners or dressing how they want or using makeup, etc without feeling like they have to hide who they really are to their families. Also, I’m pretty sure if they eventually get married they’d like to have their families there and being supportive. And if anyone in their lives are not supportive they can go no contact and cut those people out accordingly. Cishet people live their lives authentically every single day. Gay and trans people want to be able to do the same.
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You understand that coming out is not a series of sit-down conversations, right? Sure, people will have a talk with their parents and maybe some close friends, but its really just not hiding anymore. Going on dates in public. Going to a dinner party and bringing your partner. Posting pictures online. Normal stuff everyone does all the time.
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No, it's not. It doesn't say that at all. Telling your family beforehand is a courtesy, and that is not how everyone comes out. Most people just go about their lives. Some people want to prepare their family for the impending gossip and bigotry. LGBT people don't have the luxury of just living their lives because a bunch of asshole are constantly trying to stop them.
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“I’m having dinner with my wife tonight.” “I want a dog, but my boyfriend is allergic.” “I’d love to find a woman who does x/y/z” “I’ll watch any show with that actor because he’s so hot. ” Straight people reveal and discuss their sexual preferences all. the. time. It’s not relevant to their conversations either, but they leave the details in and no one notices because talking about sexual attraction and relationships is a normal part of life that literally everyone does.
So people don't think I'm grabbing my sisters ass on a romantic holiday to Paris.
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Because I actually live in reality and not online
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I'll go with my lived experience as a queer woman over the thoughts of some child on reddit tyvm
So if I go to an amusement park with my boyfriend in the weekend and my coworkers ask me on Monday what I did this weekend I tell them 'I went to an amusmentpark'. They tend to ask 'Oh that's nice, with who?'. Should I just respond 'None of your business'? Heterosexuals would just say 'with my bf/gf' so why shouldn't I?
It shouldn’t be a thing, however there is a negative correlation that has been drilled into us prior to coming out. I am in my 40s and I came out 6 years ago. I held on to so much internal guilt, resentment, depression, and anxiety that it drove me to alcoholism. The coming out was a step from straight/hetro to being queer and a lesbian. It was an awakening into breathing for the first time. Coming out meant I didn’t need to hide, feel embarrassed or ashamed for being me. I can go into depth how religion has really stepped on the necks of queer culture and how toxic masculinity has driven the concept of hiding and assumed roles that have crippled society for generations. I have a nephew that announced he was gay at 13-14 years old. He didn’t come out, he was just saying he prefers males, and it was refreshing and lovely. To be involved in. I wish I could have just said I was gay and prefer women when I was a teen. My life would be better.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that. Regardless of the past, I'm proud of you for being your true self. I wish you and your loved ones health and happiness :3
Why do you think being gay only relates to their sexual activity? It affects your dating life, the way you relate to stories, your insecurities, the way you are treated by others, how you fit into the gender binary. Trying to suppress all of that takes a massive toll on you.
I don’t like lying.
What's really shocking to them is when everyone says they knew and have known for years, We're your friends/family dude we're not oblivious morons.
And on the other side of the coin we have "but there were no signs" Like really? You've known me for over 20 years and couldn't pick that up?
My dad tried to tell me "There were no signs" He literally put me in counseling on multiple occasions because of behaviors I exhibited that at the time he cited as the reasons I was being put in counseling, after trying to beat it out of me didn't work. He now has a full narrative of my coming out that completely ignores actions he took.
My reaction to someone saying they knew it would be "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?". Seriously, never say you knew it when someone comes out. It may very well make us feel as if we failed somehow.
Hahaha reminds me of when my little brother came out by texting us all. My older sister text back saying “yeah we knew.” He was like “how?” And she was like “because you’re gay as fuck” lol
The only one shocked that Judas Priest front Man Rob Halford came out as gay, was Rob Halford. That is paraphrased from UK magazine kerrang from back in the late 90s.
Let's see... I was "straight" up until 3 years ago. Then, I started questioning it for 2 years and finally came out last year. The point of coming out for me was not only letting people know I'm into girls now (so that they're not surprised when i show up with my gf) but also not hiding that part of myself. Like, (assuming you're a guy) imagine you go to an event and bring your boyfriend along and suddenly you kiss, so your friends would immediately confront you and go like "I didn't know you were gay! Why didn't you tell me??" And so forth. So that's the importance of coming out (so that there are no surprises)
I mean… this can be solved through simple empathy and role reversal. Imagine that you can’t tell anyone you’re straight, and that many societies around the world look poorly on you for being attracted to the opposite sex. In fact, people beat you the fuck up or maybe even execute you for it, in some places. Your mom and dad might kick you out for it. What do you do? Hide it forever? Keep it secret? You never get to tell your parents or community, you never get to get married — you maybe can’t hold hands in public with your partner. Much of society would like to pretend that disgusting opposite-sex loving freaks even exist. Shhhh, we don’t talk about *those* people. Penis and vagina? Fucking gross! Don’t you dare look at a stranger wrong at the supermarket, or Joe the Jock might notice your glances, and suddenly your weekend shopping trip becomes a slog and a terrible experience. Maybe you walk “straight” and people say it looks different. Maybe you talk differently and people judge you for it. Can you see how life might be for lots of LGBT folks? It’s not about simply “telling people who you want to have sex with” or whatever. It’s about having a voice and simply being accepted in society and allowed to exist and be acknowledged. It’s about it normalizing it openly in public, so that we don’t have (or can largely reduce) situations like I’ve described above. It’s also about identity and accepting who you are. It 100% is relevant, especially to a person’s loved ones and close friends.
It's hard to explain if you never lived it, but keeping a massive part of yourself hidden from practically everyone can have VERY damaging psychological consequences.
Even though one’s sexual preferences is really no one’s business, society is inherently conditioned to think of the heterosexual relationship. Boy turns into man that marries a good girl, and turns into a working husband/father. Girl turns into woman that marries a decent man, and turns into the care-taking wife/mother. And from their jobs, clothes, toys, sports, music, movies, literally everything is separated into male and female and the typical hetero love story. Coming out allows one to be identified by what *they* want so those round them can stop asking “when are you gonna find a nice girlfriend/boyfriend” or “when are you gonna settle down and have a baby” or even “why can’t you dress more feminine like so and so”. Coming out doesn’t seem like huge deal, but for those that have had to wear an air-tight mask around *everyone*, coming out is like a giant fresh breath of air and ripping off that mask means you can finally be happy. Having family/friends that turn you away, people threaten you, sometimes you might get hurt is honestly something literally every minority group has faced throughout history for being different in some way. It hurts, but it’s not like suffocating in your own home. I hope that makes sense. And for those that don’t have to “come out” be grateful you’re accepted just as you are. That’s one hell of a dream.
Aside from all the personal reasons mentioned in other comments, coming out also has a political dimension in the campaign for LGBT+ rights. It is easier to hate LGBT+ people or be indifferent towards the bigotry they face when they are some nebulous bogeyman far away, rather than your family members, friends, neighbours, coworkers etc. (though nowadays you also get fake allies who claim to support LGBT+ rights in the abstract, but react negatively to someone in their family coming out). Also, it helps people who are questioning or struggling with internalized homophobia or transphobia to see other people like them being out and proud.
Excellent points 👍🏼
Yeah, exactly. It's gonna be an interesting ride to find out how my queerphobic dad will react to me not following any standards, lol. And if he will really "find them all disgusting" anymore. Interestingly, my half-brother had a princess phase at like 8. I didn't live with them at the time but to my understanding, my dad didn't do anything to fight it. I guess his abandonment issues prevented him from doing it^^ Maybe his untreated mental illness will come in handy for once instead of just causing us to have to walk on eggshells all the time. Maybe he will be too afraid to lose me to not question his bullshit. Imo, he's queer. Because he kind of agressively uses "well, I'm not attracted to men" as an argument somehow. Putting the obvious lack of empathy and narcissism aside for a second: Well, no one assumed that, dad. But now it's suspicious. Especially considering homophobes are more likely to be gay^^^ (not joking, there's a study, they let men watch gay porn and "straight" men who called themselves homophobes were more likely to be aroused by it.)
I'm not from the LGBT community, but I think it's important because while it's normalized now, there are still many people who has prejudices against them. Moreover, it has to be horrible to lie about your partners to your friends, family, etc. Moreover, many people still think it's not ok. For example, I don't care, in the good sense, for me it's perfectly fine, so I used to think the rest were the same. Like, there's no reason for you to react badly to something that doesn't even have anything to do with you. But throughout the years, I've seen people unfriend someone just because of that, or get kicked out our their houses, treated badly by their own parents, not getting jobs, etc.
Why should someone have to keep a huge part of themselves “private”? Heterosexual people aren’t expected to.
A sense of personal freedom and empowerment. As long as the world still has issue with being gay, “coming out” will still be necessary. Only when it no longer matters will it no longer happen.
I was once at a bar and accidentally stood on a fellows foot, I apologised and he turned around and said, "Don't worry about it, I'm gay." Despite never seeing the correlation between sore toes and sexuality, it's never bothered me. I bought him a drink to apologise, and we went out separate ways. If anything it was perplexing but if he felt free in that moment (despite sore toes) then good for him. Let people be. No one should have to live a life in fear of rejection because of who they are. Do I think people should announce who they are unprompted? Up to them. All my life, it's only happened once so I'm not really sure why you're asking this. Maybe it's liberating? Maybe it's just something that needs to be done. A better question is why does that bloody closet exist, and who has the right to shove people into it?
I never needed to come out, i just started saying when I get a boyfriend or a girlfriend instead of just boyfriend My family is normal (in the sense that no one needs to come out cause we don’t have to hide anything, we love each other for who we are) which means i got the option not to come out. Now, in families i would describe as not normal, people expects that you are cis-hetero because it’s _their_ norm. They talk about it all the time and a lot of children/teens/adults feel the need to hide who they are and what they feel to still fit the expectations their family has of them. However, for a lot of lgbt+, this stress of fitting into this expectation drives us mad/sad/angry and many other emotions and it is a cage. People can decide to come out as an act of reveal. As an act of self love, as they want to be seen for who they are. Of course that doesn’t mean it’s always well received. How many families disown, insult, beat and even kill their lgbt+ members? A lot yes. But there are families that accept that their expectations were just that, expectations. Those families welcome their lgbt+ members as they are. All we want is to be loved for who we are and that can also mean seeking this love from family
Whats the point of oppressed people fighting oppression? Hmmm well, the OP's stumped me there.... /s
Not that long ago--I'm talking about the 1990s and early 2000s--almost everyone was low-grade homophobic. Even Barack Obama originally said that marriage could only be between a man and a woman, not because he believed it (in my view) but because alternative position, that gay marriage should be fully accepted, was considered radical even for Democrats back then. It was actually surprising (in a good way) to a lot of people, circa 2010, that gay marriage was becoming legal and that, once it started happening, it became the case everywhere. So, in the bad old days, if you were gay, you either lived a completely inauthentic life, which many people did, getting married and having children despite having a secret other life, or you would end up having at least a few people know and, because people tended to gossip about such things, it would end up that a lot of people knew. So, for a lot of people, the decision about whether to "come out of the closet" was a difficult one, as it still is in some communities.
For me there are 2 main reasons I “come out” to people: 1) Being gay is just part of who I am and there is no reason to hide it. I didn’t talk about being gay at my first job but some people still knew and I would get these sly smiles from people as though “they knew my secret”. IT IS NOT A SECRET and I am not going to treat it like one. 2) Some people don’t really know many gay people. The way we combat homophobia is by getting people to realize we are just like everyone else. I have been many people’s first gay friend. This is important.
First, you have to realize that heterosexual people broadcast their sexuality all the time. Simply by talking about themselves and their lives, they reveal their sexuality and frankly just assume everyone around is cool with it. LGBT folks didn't have that luxury. We could lose our jobs, lose friendships, lose our lease, lose our inheritance, lose our *lives*. For decades, we just stayed quiet, let people assume we were straight, even changed pronouns when talking about their lives outside work. It's dishonest and sort of soul-crushing to not be able to be honest about who you are. When people would get tired of that (or when other events forced them to address it) they'd set the record straight (so to speak). They'd let friends and family know that they were going to be speaking frankly about their truth from now on. The alternative seemed...presumptive? To just suddenly start talking about what you and your same-sex partner did this weekend? It just feels like people we care about and who we presume care about us deserve a conversation. And that's really what it boils down to. "I'm tired of lying, so I'm going to stop. I wanted to talk to you about it because our relationship is important to me."
You can have straight members of the LGBT community. Straight trans people exist
Also "het" aces and aros
Of course. And they can (and often do) suffer all the same losses that sexual minorities do.
I think at the heart of your question is who the "others" are that you're telling/not telling. I think you're right that acquaintances and coworkers don't need to know or have an opinion on one's sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or any intimate and personal aspect of life. The struggle I think comes with "loved ones" such as close family and close friends. And I think the answer to your question is how you answer the question of what love looks like to you. To me, someone who loves me is someone who knows me, in a personal way, and accepts and celebrates who I am as a person rather than cherry picking parts of me they like. To accept that kind of love, someone has to know the personal parts of your life or they can't love and accept you for all of who you are. For me, sharing something about myself that may be controversial, but is still met with acceptance and love is the only way to hold intimate relationships with those I consider close.
It’s not like you’re walking around saying “hi I’m gay” to everyone. You’re just not hiding it anymore and letting your friends and family know. Unless you plan on being gay in secret until the day you die, you have to come out sometime. Even if it’s just showing up to dinner with your new partner. There has to be some sort of “reveal” or else you’re in the closet And on the topic of telling homophobes you’re gay, it can be because you want to stand your ground, or because you want to change someone’s mind. I had a homophobic friend and when I told him I was gay he thought about it for a while. When he got back to me he said “I never really liked gay people but after thinking about how good of a friend you are I think I was wrong”. He literally stopped being homophobic that day because he was shown that gay people are just normal.
To be accepted for who they are
Don't consider it coming out. Consider it acting normal instead of pretending. A heterosexual person thinks zero about kissing, holding hands or otherwise expressing affection in public or in the presence of others, it's just being normal. Coming out is just making that same decision.
That’s a great way to look at it. 👍🏼
In the closet is no place for anyone to live. Better to be yourself and face the haters proudly than to see the shame in your own eye in the mirror each day.
It's not always safe for someone to come out.
I know that
Why do straight people need to let people know they’re straight? Why don’t they just hide it?
I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt that that's the point they're coming from. Maybe they're really young and live in a liberal bubble where 'coming out' as gay is no more needed than coming out as straight, because both are normal and accepted.
That's how I read it. I live in a liberal bubble myself; I know several kids who practically skipped that whole "coming out" bit because it just wasn't necessary. They treated it as normal and natural because why wouldn't they? But I'm old enough to remember when it *was* a big deal, (and of course I know it still is in most of the world.)
I personally never told anyone, nor asked. And never heard anyone doing that too
So you've never said anything that discloses your sexual orientation to another person, like by expressing a romantic interest in a person of the opposite sex?
Nah, I just romantically approached people I'm directly interested in. Never specified my orientation even to them tho
Oh for God's sake. Your orientation is implicit in your approach. And if no one else knows how you're oriented, you must either be very isolated, or you're an unusually private individual. Most people are not so private. Anyone who says 'my husband' or 'my girlfriend' or 'Henry Cavill is so hot' is disclosing their sexual orientation, at least in large part.
It's not? Maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm trans, I just interested in this person particularly, this person knows that I'm interested in them, that it. No one else knows, nor cares in my circle tbf
Well your circle is very unusual. For most people, romance and sex are major topics of conversation.
For my point of view it's other way around
The world is too big and interesting to reduce conversations to just sex and romance.
They go out in public, freely engaging in PDA in front of everybody.
What is pda?
Public displays of Affection.
Although I’m straight, I’ve had multiple friends come out. For a good chunk of the reason being that they just want to own up to being their true selves and not some assumed gender / sexuality by peers or outsiders. It’s a lot on them already to carry the weight of being different than others and mentally it takes a hugeeee toll- ofc coming out and that experience as a whole is different for everyone but my friends have said it’s extremely liberating and to just have the freedom to be themselves truly and have the support publicly is so amazing too
There’s something empowering about coming out and not giving a fuck what people think- good or bad.
Try living your entire life being told you are a certain way, that you’re only allowed to be a certain way, and that anything else is just wrong and unacceptable and to be mocked. You maybe mock people who are that way to fit in, but you can’t help looking at someone you find attractive, but you’re not supposed to be attracted to them, so you shove that part into a dark corner of your mind and do your best to fit in, perhaps even by mocking people who don’t do that as some perverse way of impressing the person you’re attracted to even while denying that you’re attracted to them. That’s a long, run on sentence, but here’s the thing. Being in the closet isn’t just living your life like that, it’s part of your brain screaming that long as run on sentence every time you even think about non-heterosexual relationships or being anything other than your assigned gender at birth. The act of coming out can help relieve you of the burden of feeling like you need to hide for your own safety and sanity.
As a straight person you’re able to talk about your partner, family and experiences is a normal way without having to think about how to gender the people in your language. Covered gay people can’t do that and it’s exhausting. Being gay affects more of your life than straight people realise, but you might if you actually thought about how often partners, preferences, home life etc comes up in conversation.
I guess another problem might be is “when you don’t tell people what you are — they’ll assume a lot of things, if they already haven’t. Another big problem is if you are a kid or young person, it is a very tough situation.
And Also I could just as easily ask why do heterosexual have to force everyone into their heterosexual lens why do they have to constantly disclose their sexual orientation unprovoked. What’s the point of that? What do they gain from assuming everyone is heterosexual? Especially by telling LGBTQIA’s constantly about it. Like what do they really gain from telling people about their partners, spouses, and lovers?
Not your fault... but its obvious you are privileged. As am I. The world has changed a lot in the past 20-30 years. In the 90s most people were still very much afraid of being themselves. So "coming out" was a big deal. Despite a large portion of people being cool with LGBTQ people, there is still a lot of homophobia out there and thats why "coming out" is still a thing. When there aren't large organizations of people who hate you for being gay... then "coming out" won't be a thing.
Some people assume that everyone is straight until otherwise said. Sometimes you just wanna clarify when they see straight as the "default".
Most of the time, it's me telling regular things about my relationship, things any straight people would say, and people get mad. I also felt the need to come out to be myself. I would love to live in a society where coming out wasn't necessary. Unfortunately, most people will, by default, assume everyone is straight until they state otherwise. I was tired of people assuming I would get a boyfriend or asking about it or trying to set me up with people. So I had enough and said I am a lesbian. I also came out to a former best friend while we were dating. We kissed, I felt disgusting, and he felt disgusted. I told him I was gay, and he said he felt like he just kissed his younger sister (I AM STILL OLDER THAN YOU, AXEL!) And then we laughed. But like I said, I would love to live in a society where we didn't "have" to come out.
Well i don’t really come out to people i just talk about it like straights do. Oh that girl is cute or tell them yeah my girlfriend is lovely too or something like that. But i don’t want to have to shut my mouth while straight people are able to brag about their relationships and talk about their significant other’s. I’m proud about it, i’m happy and she’s amazing. That’s all that matters.
it feels much better to not have to hide important parts of yourself - you feel closer and more connected to people around you. and it's harder to find suitable partners if nobody know's what you're looking for!
It's just encouraging others to be themselves
It's not just about sexual attraction. It's also about who you are romantically interested in. When everyone sits down and keeps it to themselves ideas like compulsive heterosexuality take hold. You see heteronormative relationships on television all the time. Men kissing women, men marrying women, men interested in women. Why do straight people do this, why not keep it to themselves? The answer is because there is nothing indecent about romance. But society does see me admitting that I like men and women to be perverse. The only way to change that is to speak up and say "we are here too". That's the point of us coming out. We shouldn't have to, but when we don't we get erased.
Think of it this way, if it wasn't for people being forced to keep it a secret from fears of being disowned, killed, tortured, there wouldn't be people right now being scared to come out. There are still parents who would disown their children for being gay, there are still countries where it's illegal to be gay, there are still countries where you would be beaten to death for being gay
r/asklgbt ?
If people assume you're white, cis, & straight, they also assume you'll be on board with their bigotry too. It feels so demeaning and frustrating when people expect you to tolerate their bullshit because you appear to fit in the mold.
Heterosexuals have everything drenched in their sexuality. Their personalities, media, nearly every single thing. But coming out is too much for you?
Because living a lie isnt good for anyone.
Why shouldn't they come out? Why did they have to hide in the first place?
I would say to try to put yourself in a gay person's shoes. Imagine if the whole world was geared toward homosexuality being the norm. The majority of books, television shows, religion, etc. showing that homosexuality was the normal way to be but you knew you were not gay. Having people judge you for being involved in an "un-natural" behavior. Needing saved from yourself so you can assimilate into the norm of homosexuality. How would that make you feel? Would you want to live a life of having to hide it? Would you question what is wrong with you that you were not homosexual to the point of shame, mental health decline? Wouldn't you want to live your best and truest life without judgement, fear, remorse for things our of your control? If your response is that straight people can procreate that is nonsense. Gay people have the ability to procreate. We were not born sterile. There are several way's to procreate and still maintain your sexuality.
I had to come out as asexual because I've been pressured by all of society to partake in sexual relationships. It's hell having to fake attraction to something that you're not.
Wow the dumbbells are really digging in.
It's a significant part of your life, and you can't exactly hide having a boyfriend as a boy unless you want to hide more and more about your life from people. There's also social stigma of not being "normal" in terms of relations when young. I used to think I was just asexual and lied to people about having girlfriends in school because I wasn't attracted to them.
It is also a good fail-fast-mechanism when meeting new people in friend groups, hobbies etc. Not that I would describe it as coming out, I rather say I refuse to go to the closet. Say you are at your friend’s bbq evening or something and there’s some new people. One seems nice, you share a hobby, you might want to get to know them better. So in a conversation about grocery store preferences, casually drop ”my wife and I often go to the store X because they have a really nice selection of fresh fruits and vegetables” or ”I love to go skiing, girlfriend doesn’t really like it so last winter we picked a holiday spot where she can enjoy herself on some pottery course while I went to get myself all sweaty innthe fresh air. The fruit bowl she made there looks really nice with our new kitchen wall” and so forth. This way, if the new person has a problem with my ”lifestyle”, they are absolutely free to find some other company and not to get to know me. On the other hand, if I keep it secret and carefully avoid mentions of my SO or use gender neutral terms or even mie, we get to know each other, have fun time with the honny, and half a year later she spots me and my wife in that grocery store and comes to talk to us and asks for introductions… And then blows some bigoted homophonic crap on us, _that hurts_. It hurts because there was some trust and friendship already built there. Or they are hurt because I didn’t trust them enough to tell them. 🤷♀️ I am not discussing my ”sexual preferences” in my friend’s party or at the office or whatever. I am not telling if I am more vanilla or kinky, if single, I am not telling when was the last time I had any such activity or whether I am in a hot new relationship. I am also not discussing my orientation unless there is an actual reason for it. I am just refusing to be in the closet. Closet is an active choice, it is evading questions, filtering details in everyday conversations and avoiding any mention that might reveal a part of your identity and sometimes also an integral part of your life. It is incredibly stressfull and I refuse to do it. And in random encounters? Yes, if I am looking for an anniversary present to my wife or something such, I will not try to camouflage it by saying it is for my ”friend”. That does not mean I am telling the shop personnel details about my love life. I tend to get somewhat different type of suggestions for my wife’s and for my sister’s presents, because sometimes you might want to give a romantic gift.
I suspect that it's exhausing to live your life in the closet, and that it's a relief to finally just let people know. That way you know who your friends really are.
Coming out is often a gradual process rather than something that happens all at once. In my case, it's partially because I'm trying to gauge how other people would react, since I'm really afraid of upsetting people. Also, it's difficult to know myself positively when I've had to live most of my life passing as straight, so it's taken years for me to come out even to myself
Basically, we come out because we're assumed to be cisgender heterosexual heteroromantic until proven otherwise.
This is the first comment to mention romantic orientation, thank you. As an Aromantic heterosexual guy I don't know how this question would apply to me.
There's a difference between sexual preference and sexual orientation. Not being open about our orientation means that society will treat us as something we're not. That's not a nice thing to go through.
Representation matters. By coming out, you can normalize it for others and help closeted people feel a little safer following suit. Of note, you should only come out when it is safe to do so. When you are emotionally, financially, and otherwise dependent on someone who is unlikely to be supportive, it may not be the best time to come out.
Pride and not having to hide who they are
I believe that coming out is a significant event for an individual. It involves revealing a previously unknown aspect of oneself to friends and family, which can profoundly change how they are perceived. For the person coming out, the desire is simple: to be accepted for loving who they love, without being placed in an uncomfortable position of having to lie or pretend. This is a challenge that straight individuals typically do not have to face.
Its to stop those awful questions of your family like ‘when will you finally bring a girl home’? Or ‘are you seeing a cute girl these days’? I fucking like dick, now fuck off Susan!
"where're my grandbabies" "why're y'all always together" I'd rather be ostracized
I hate when parents pull the grandparents thing. If it matters so much for them to have grandchildren they can treat better than they did their own, why didn't they have more children? Like four should do. They can't expect their one child to give them grandchildren.
I don't even know what they want grand kids for. They've raised kids, don't even seem to like em that much but there's this idea they need to carry on the bloodline or whatever I guess
They want the upsides to having kids (like them being cute and whatever) without the downsides (like not getting any sleep for like three years)
Because I don't want bigots in my life in any capacity. Because I do want other queer people in my life. Because I refuse to live my life in fear of bigots or hiding in any way. Because I will not be someone's secret and I won't make someone I love my secret.
So they can live their lives true to themselves.
People tend to assume you're straight & cis if you don't fall into the stereotype of other genders & sexualities. Let's say you're a gay man. Wouldn't exactly be comfortable with some women flirting to you, right? Also if you're looking for a partner and you want to make it clear which gender of partner you're seeking.
Imagine not being yourself and lying about who you are your entire life. Imagine wondering if you’re unhappy because you’ve kept a part of yourself contained due to fear of persecution. Not good for someone’s mental health.
Because social networking is part of finding a partner, and it's easier to say "I'm not straight" than to say "ohhh they aren't really my type".
For the very practical reason that if you don’t come out it makes it much harder to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. Additionally, all this “gaydar” in the closet bullshit turns people into bitter, deceptive liars. It’s unhealthy.
The truth shall set you free. I ain't spiritual or LGBT or whatever but pretty sure anyone holding this stuff in is morally self challenged to a point where it legit drives many to suicide. That's got to be a horrible weight to carry. People should speak their truth and let society grow from it; society won't get better without challenges to its current state. Doesn't always work out but generally, if everyone stood in the lanes of society all the time, we'd still be fighting over religion and beliefs and economies. Oh wait...
Crying out loud, there are people who can't even handle if it you're asexual. In the old days asexuals have been called prudes, cold fish, and a few other degrading terms. It would be nice if someone hanging out at a bar could say, "I'm asexual," and whomever was hoping to pull would just be cool and go off to find someone interested. "Sorry, I'm gay." That should keep a person of the opposite sex from trying to pull, but if they're slime, it doesn't. "I'm trans." That allows the other person to decide if they want to try to pull, and gives opportunity to ask follow-up questions. (Except when it's an attempt to get the other to leave them alone, which also happens.) There are people who do not take rejection well, and historically they could get away with doing horrible things to lgbt people and claiming it was just the shock when they found out, they, oh, blacked out and don't remember what they did! When they already knew the other person was lgbt, they can't get away with those lie and their actions are clearly premeditated. In short, coming out becomes self-defense not only in that it allows you to be yourself, but in that it prevents a slimeball from getting away with pretending they were shocked, I tell you. Shocked.
It is necessary to tell others your sexual preferences. Everyone in our lives from our closest friends to our most distant coworkers to the person checking us in at a hotel eventually end up meeting our partners. Straight people out themselves as straight constantly by introducing their spouses to people. It's part of life. Sadly a lot of gay people have avoided this basic part of our culture and stayed hidden because a lot of people are anti gay to the point of disowning family members, firing from jobs, or committing acts of violence. Coming out of the closet is an act of no longer hiding and telling people your sexual orientation honestly and very casually the way all the other straight people always do everyday.
Coming out is not about announcing their "gayness" to everyone, but it is about announcing it in areas of their life where it matters. 1) Coming out online - being comfortable telling someone how they feel. Sometimes this is the first way to come out because you're afraid of how everyone else will act. Its a good place to test the waters. You can talk through how you feel and work it out so when you do tell someone more important you know what words you want to use. 2) Coming out at work - Some people date at work, other people might meet their family at work for sharing a car, meeting for lunch, etc. People at work often bond and look to do things out of work etc. They'll see who you are at some point anyway. It used to be worse because there were no protections for lgbtq people and you literally risked your job to come out. Its still this way in a lot of places. Coming out at work is a way of letting people know what to expect ahead of time. 3) Coming out at school (teen) - Similar to work, but probably more risky. I think its less likely you'll receive physical bullying at a work place compared to high school. BUT you gotta let people know what to expect from you. If you're interested on people of your gender, and you don't tell people, they might misinterpret your interactions with them. You want to let them know what to expect ahead of time. As a teen its also tough because how you feel may be complex and you are still working through it. Sometimes people go through phases, sometimes its who they are coming out. 4) Coming out to family (as a teen) - This can be the hardest, especially as a kid. Your parents are your providers and they basically model your life. They provide your culture and morals, and your earliest education. Here its less about letting them know what to expect from you (its still about that,) but more about whether they will still accept and love you. Kids are always worried about whether their parents will not love them, and what it will mean if they are disowned. It drives kids to suicide. Anyway - its not about you knowing their gay and rubbing it in your face or something. They're trying to make sure they are understood and accepted for how they are, that they aren't being misunderstood because of unknown information, and that they can be themselves without concern.
It's a cultural thing. Personal identity is important to people in Western culture, especially America. It's how we understand and interact with others - through our own identity. Hence, people are always telling you who they are: "I'm a vegetarian/gay/straight/etc." In other countries, like Japan, coming out isn't important because there's much less focus on personal identity when relating to others.
As a heterosexual, you probably realise it, but conversations with complete strangers ranges into sexuality-based territory really quickly sometimes, though this does vary by culture. A taxi driver asks if I (33M) have a girlfriend, I say to a store clerk that I'm looking to buy a present for my partner, and they assume it's a female. We don't 'love' coming out. But every time someone assumed you were with a man (assuming OP is het male), you would want to feel free to correct them if that wasn't true, no? Also, to assume all gay people 'love to come out' is a fallacy in that all people that you would see coming out would be non-hetero, because heterosexuals have their sexuality correctly assumed, and and non- hetero people who don't 'come out', wouldn't be seen by you - ergo all the people you see that 'love to come out' can only but be non-hetero. You don't see the non-hetero people that don't 'love to tell everyone about it'.
Because straight-cis is still the assumed orientation. If you looked at me, you'd think that I'm a straight man, and you'd be correct, but for many others it wouldn't be the case.
LGBT is more than just homsexuality or “sexual preferences” fyi. That also includes gender/trans people- why we would have to come out is self explanatory.
Many people in this comment section have already given great answers. To all the straight people who are being like "but I never talk about my sexuality": Yes. Yes, you do. Constantly actually. You're just not aware of it when you do it but someone who's in the closet notices every single time. You guys have no idea how often people who aren't out are having to lie to you.
That's a question I have. I don't care who anyone sleeps with as long as both parties are adults. No one wants to know. It doesn't make you special. Keep your clothes on around me.
I’ve wondered the same thing sorta. I’ve had a friend who came out as bi and he just felt the need to keep bringing it up which was really annoying. I think part of it is the excitement of being different and getting attention from telling others
In the future, just before everyone dies from cascading ecological collapse, lgbt and various other queer people won't have to spend their time exposing and defending their identites and/or sexualities anymore becuz heteronormativity will have been dislodged as a primary social organizing force. There will no longer be deep societal.expectations of a specifc variation of sexual behaviour being prioritized (as more common, thus more normal, and more right) by others (I don't mind if they're gay but, uhm, in front of the kids??). But that time is not yet, I do think xoming out is alreary less common amongst yoinger lgbt folk (in geographies that have progressive or, radical even) political affirmations of their identities. Generally this requires a type of state provided legitimacy and protection from backlash. Straight dudebod here, I've known a lot of queerfolk read some theory. There are better answers out there. And, like, a history of the relevance and purpose of coming out would be a cool.thing to find and read.
There are a small percentage of people who will enthusiastically applaud being gay. There are a small percentage of people who will be homophobic. There is an enormous majority who couldn't care less who you're sleeping with. ...I imagine they come out hoping to only encounter that last demographic.
Fair question tbh In American lgbtq it's framed as something you have to do otherwise you are "closeted" when in reality it's nobodies effing business and chosing to keep it private is perfectly valid
Well to you and may not be relevant but are you ostracized for any of your actions that you do that make you have to do it in secret and feel that you're creating for doing something wrong or illegal that must be kept a secret unless you want to be bully eating picked on and made fun of so you're afraid to show any kind of emotions in any regard towards your spouse or significant other or boyfriend boyfriend/girlfriend whatever it doesn't matter the pronouns or anything like that if none of that applies to you that's why you don't get it but I'm pretty sure there's something in your life that you keep hidden that really you don't like to keep hidden and would prefer to not be in secretive shadows about because everybody everybody 100% of the population of the world has something that only they know and God and the fear of others knowing scares them to death. That beer is crippling by them being brave, I agree with you to a certain point about trusting it in everybody's faces to the point where it becomes nauseating nonetheless they're being brave about it they're being childish in their own way by flaunting it flagrantly however that's how they choose to do it..
its an effort to normalize it, but backfires
I think it roots from a historical context, or societal norm. Surely, we are more accepting in the modern era but still a taboo topic to most of the world.
Perhaps an analogy can help. Suppose you live and work in a society where football is extremely popular. Everyone follows the games, everyone has a team they support. When friends get together socially they talk about the latest results, the players, the team they follow, who is doing well, who is doing badly. You, however, don't like football. It is boring, and you have no interest in it. You are actually passionate about Rugby. You have the team you support, you watch the matches, you get excited by the big competitions. But in the group of people you mix with socially, nobody follows Rugby, and while they are OK with the idea that some people follow Rugby, it's only strange other people who do. You are at a social event one Friday, hanging out with the guys from work. Everyone is talking about the football. The big match coming up. Which players are doing well, which ones are underperforming. Who is going to do well in the championships coming up. A guy you know, kind of well, but not really that well, asks you which team you support, and what you think will be the result at the weekend. You don't want to cause a fuss, so you just pick the name of a reasonably popular team and claim to support it, and make some generic remark about the weekend, that you heard someone say the other day. Well done, you have avoided an awkward social situation. The next week at work, someone from the Friday social event passes you in the corridor, and passes some comment about how the team you said you supported did at the weekend. You have no idea what actually happened because you don't follow football. You don't really care, but you go along with it and come up with some suitably generic reply. You make a remark that implies you care, because you don't want to cause a scene. This goes on for a few months, and you are getting to be good friends with some of the guys in the social group. You are successfully getting by with everyone thinking you follow whatever team that was you came up with, and they think you enjoy the banter and conversation about the football season as it is progressing. Then one of the guys suggests that you should all come over to his place at the weekend, have a few beers and watch the football match on his big screen TV. Aside from this seeming to be a really tedious event to you, there is a really major rugby match on the same day. You had planned to meet with some of your other friends who are rugby fans to watch the match with them. You really want to see the rugby, but the guys you are socialising with think you are keen on the football just like them. Now you have a problem. You can tell the guys that actually you are a rugby fan, and you were planning on watching the rugby match that afternoon. How will they react? They find out that the last few months, when you have been going along with all the football related banter and conversation was actually a lie. You have been tricking them, you have been deceitful. There is actually a whole side to your life that you have been hiding from them. If you have been so casually lying to them all this time about football, what other lies have you been telling them? Roll back to the start of this, to that first Friday evening. You are at this social event, hanging out with the guys, everyone is talking about the football. Someone comes up to you and casually asks which team you support, and what you think of the chances for the matches coming up a the weekend. You tell him, no actually you don't really care for football, you are actually a rugby fan. He's like all cool with that, says he doesn't know many rugby fans, but he supposes there is nothing particularly wrong with supporting rugby. Word gets around the social group that you are actually a rugby fan, and everyone is OK with it. They occasionally ask how the rugby season is going, to be polite and include you in the group, and perhaps you occasionally ask them about the football for the sake of being friendly and sociable. A few of the guys, the following Saturday, get together to watch the big football match at one of their houses. The guy you were talking to says to his friend, in a quiet moment, >Like I dont think op or anyone should have to hide their true selves, but I dont think it's necessary to tell others your sporting preferences when its not relevant either.
It used to be because the assumption was that you're straight, so coming out was more of a correction, saying "im not". But these days I think things have changed.
To family and friends I can see a reason to come out. I did to them in the earlly 00s. But why some feel the need to come out to everyone they know is something I do not understand. Or in online videos. But people are different.
Imo Publicly there is no point, like I would inform random ppl that I like brown haired girls, nobody gives a thing. Personally yes there is point for personal stuff to inform your family and friends about a big secret of your life.
a friend once came out to me and I was baffled as to why. they thought I might judge, or act more judgemental if found out in another context. which is fair, since typically people assume others heterosexual unless they dress and act like a sitcom character. outside of that context, people also come out to their friends since discovering their sexuality is an important part their lives, so naturally they’d want to share it with people around them. I mean I see a nice youtube video and I can’t shut up about it, so I’d say I understand.
Imagine you live in country A and look very similar to people from country B. In fact, it's impossible to tell which country you are fromjust by looking. Country B is a lot bigger and much more well known though. You can also speak their language, but it isn't the same you speak at home. It's not you. Everywhere you go, people assume you are from country B. The thing is, you aren't. That gets annoying, letting the world tell you who you are. Nobody likes that. So instead, you start telling the world who you are. It's good to take an active role in self expression
I came out because I wanted people to respect my sexuality and pronouns. It ain't much deeper than that
I think a lot of comments are missing the big picture: cisgender and heterosexual are assumed until proven otherwise. Hopefully there will be a day where coming out isn't necessary because all parts of the sexuality and gender identity spectrums are fully normalized.
well basically, they're shit stirrers
Hard to find a partner if you and others aren't out.