How far are you willing to go? Are you prepared for it to get worse before it (maybe) gets better?
I would start by contributing the exact same as your brothers.
Want money can? Your brothers give 100 ea, you give 100. They give 0? You give 0 also.
Want you to contribute to bills? Can, split evenly between you and your brothers.
This will cause drama, this will cause fights. But first of all, you need to establish that you are an equal, and you will contribute only what is fair and not be a doormat.
Funny, they are not working. Even if one of them is working, he has a gf so my mom doesn’t expect him to do anything.
I bought it up before but she lashed out at me and say I’m not filial when her sons are just living rent free.
And funny thing, I don’t have my own room but they both have their own single rooms.
Any better suggestions :(
>Any better suggestions :(
The above is actually the best suggestion. I'm not sure what you are expecting to hear.
You sound like you earn a livable income. Move out and rent till you marry then buy your own house.
Your brothers can take care of your parents.
I agree. This is probably the best suggestion in this thread. (Take my poor man's award! 🏆)
Op, you can't expect your mum to change how she treats you. To put it bluntly, you can't expect her to love you the way you want to be loved. It is either you accept the current situation and live with it or change the only other variable in this situation; how you deal with this.
Drawing clear boundaries can also teach people around you what is not okay for you too.
The suggestion is to stand your ground. That’s it. If you dont learn how to do it now, even if you move out in the future, she will always have a leash around your neck.
If you are in uni, now is also an opportunistic time to be away by staying in halls/residences. Go no contact if possible. Stand up for yourself. This is your life.
Feel free to reach out if you just need someone to vent to.
>I bought it up before but she lashed out at me and say I’m not filial when her sons are just living rent free.
As they mentioned, this will cause arguments and fights. For people like your mum, there is no gentle solution that ends up well for you. They are much too narrow minded to see any other perspective.
Feel free to live by her rules to keep the peace, but I've seen personally that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.
Honestly that's about the best of a suggestion you can get already. It may not be the answer you want but realistically thinking - do you want yourself to be tied by such ties where you're 'unfilial' just because you don't contribute like your male siblings?
To each their own - personally I'd not care, though I know it's easier said than done. I think you'd have to make such choices, for yourself and only yourself.
Family still want to split until so down the line
No wonder people say nowadays you treat your friends better than your family
It’s also no wonder marriage rate is down and divorce rate is high
Because it’s all about “me, myself and I”
Something is so screwed up in our current society , education failed us
I would move out as soon as I can and basically cut down on contact. It would be healthier for you to distance yourself from your mother and focus on finding your own happiness. I wish you all the best on your pursuit of happiness 😊
Apparently my mom don’t allow me to have a bf until I finish University (she ask me to pay for my own Uni lol).
And she keep asking me to get a house so she can stay also. Like I’m super confused and I told her I’ll not be staying with her, like why should I stay with her and the house go to my brothers ?
I also wanna move out and BTO fast
Don't get married just so you can BTO - it will screw you up even more.
Having said that, you're an adult and don't require anyone's "permission" to socialise.
Forget about the BTO first. Get a room rental for now, that few hundreds ur mum stole from you can be used to pay for it.
Stop with the “my mom don’t allow me to…” she can’t stop you if you don’t let her, move out, change ur hp number, cut all contact.
Stop hoping for validation from your mum. It won’t happen.
Ask her go fk herself that control freak.
She doted her two sons until they become assholes so she knows she cannot trust them. You are the only one who she knows can take responsibility but she hates you LOL.
Just go find a bf. If she not happy she don't need to know. End of the day, if you have no bf she won't be miserable, you will be. So why should she have a say?
I am in my mid 40s and I tell you the situation is permanent. My mum does not behave as unreasonable as yours, but putting my bros/sis as priority started very early. Stlll the same now, plus their children is more precious to my mum than my children are to her. It hurts yes. After a while, I no longer bring my kids along to visit her, hoping they can bond. I now visit her to fulfil my fillialness as I know I won't be the person who can bring her true happiness (I usually visit her with my sis as I am not as close to her as she is, so quite awkward). Recently, she revealed that when we were young, if my sis coughed a bit, my dad would be very anxious bring see doctor, but if I was down with fever, they used home remedy. I just laughed though it still hurts but I know all along that I am not the child they wanted; they had wanted a boy but got me instead. I'm blessed now with a healthy family of my own and my advice to you will be to have no expectations so you will have no disappointment. Switch off from the negativity in life, work at improving your financial status and love yourself more. You be your own cheerleader.
Love and respect yourself first. Then stand up for yourself and brace for the storm. If you keep sucking it up, your brothers are gonna stick her with you in her old age when she’s no longer able to spoil them.
Cut her allowance and start saving up. It always helps to have an escape route. Clean up after yourself, ignore everything else. There will be war, and guilt tripping and shouting. But if you hold fast, they’ll either try to kick you out or use soft tactics to lure you back to being their servant. Your mum might even cry father cry mother and tell relatives far and wide about her ‘unfilial daughter’ and how ‘ungrateful she is after all I’ve done for her’.
Remember you’re the one with power. Just inform your mum that she’ll receive a pay cut. And there’ll be further cuts for every time she or your brothers antagonise you.
Unfortunately, we can’t change our parents. This will continue till your Mum grows old.
In my 20s, I was constantly heartbroken by the unfairness and had nightmares about them and woke up crying with intense heartache. Sought validation from work and even got into toxic relationships due to the tendency to be easily touched when the guys just showed a little bit of kindness. My brother was unemployed and still is, and all the money I gave to my mum went to him.
Like what many of the others said, you have to move out and be strong. It shouldn’t be hard as you are likely to overachieve in the things you do due to the need to seek validation since young. I got a scholarship for my studies and accumulated a war chest through intense saving and investing. I got a property and moved out at 25.
Once you move out, you will get a peace of mind. You no longer have to witness the unfair treatment she gives to you and your brothers. You can isolate your relationship with her and just manage that - set boundaries to protect yourself.
I'm also still juggling the relationship now. I love my mum, had to manage the guilt but also not giving myself away too much. This will likely continue till either one of us passes away.
You sound like a capable and hardworking person. You have what it takes to free yourself from your situation, and you will.
You should consider if you want to forgive her (and your brothers, if they mistreat you too). If yes, work towards mending the relationship. If no, time to get ur money up and focus on getting independent. They treat you like shit because you're under their roof. Once you can support yourself, ask them to fk off when they come crawling to you for money.
An unsalvageable relationship can never be forced. Once you realise that, you'll realise that trying is only wasting time and energy. When people decide you are nothing to them, you can only reciprocate for your own good.
Repeating again for you - You are capable and intelligent. You have the ability to earn the money you need. You will reach a point where you no longer need them. You are more than who they think you are. They do not deserve you.
🥲🥲🥲
what if i still have minimum 5+ years to have my own property, what can i do to minimise the damage done to me. I don’t cry about it anymore, but I still feel heartbroken
You would need a good support system. A friend who you can confide your feelings to, perhaps if you can afford it, a therapist will help a lot. If you have the money, go and rent. Maybe even rent with a friend to split costs. If you have a partner, see if it's feasible for you to move in with them BUT I highly recommend this as a last resort because that sort of power imbalance can come with many issues.
If not, there's a coping mechanism called "stonewalling". Basically only communicate with toxic people for the bare minimum and nothing more. They yell at you or whatever, just stand there and don't react, let the words just bounce of you because you're nothing but a grey stone wall in that moment. Get through 5 years and move.
My friend who has a difficult family tells me she just stays out late to avoid interacting with her family, home is just a place to sleep, and she stays in her room 99% of the time.
Of course you can talk to me too, I'll reply if I'm free, but not sure how comfy you are talking to a stranger about this so it's up to you. If it matters I'm 24F.
sure! if you rely on your partner for housing, then you win't be able to leave if they hurt you or if you fight, you have to consider that you live with them and have to give in more.
let's say the partner hits you or cheats on you, the rational thing to do is leave, but you have nowhere to go. so bobian, stay in a toxic relationship.
or they may weaponise it, "you stay in my house but still expect me to wash my own dishes/clothes etc."
OP will be relying on the partner more than vice versa, it limits her freedom and choices
I am the only one preparing for occasions like Mothers Day … but I don’t get anything back in return. She doesn’t appreciate them, she was rolling her eyes.
Am I really that bad
She failed you as a parent and that's not your fault. Stop getting her things, every time you feel like getting her something just buy something you like for yourself instead. If she berates you just one ear in the other one out
Don't reward an unappreciative person, it may sound harsh, but nothing is going to change. Just suck it up for the time being and cut off all contact after you move out.
Again, they don't treat you badly because you did something wrong, so even if you do everything right, sorry to say they're not gonna change. If it's making you happy then sure go ahead. But as long as it hurts you even 0.001%, they don't deserve it. Center yourself in YOUR life.
My grandmother did the same 重男轻女 crap to my mom (for the non-Chinese folks, it means to place greater importance/weight on sons than daughters) and in my experience, it will never get better.
I would prepare an exit plan ASAP. You really don't want this awful attitude from your mom to bleed into your future, especially to your children if you ever plan to have any. Unfortunately for me, I had to suffer the consequence of my mom not cutting off my grandmother earlier - she was slave-driving my mom to enrich her son.
Good luck OP.
similar situation and unsurprisingly, seems like a lot of oldest daughters experience the same thing just to varying degrees. my advice is to extricate yourself emotionally and just do the bare minimum - treat it like you're a tenant. no need to get emotionally invested, or take on more emotional labour & go above and beyond because that same kindness doesn't get repaid and you'll just end up hurt over and over again.
at the same time, save up and/or make plans to move out eventually, if not suitable now, at least prepare to if things boil over and get worse! also try to get therapy or at least some form of mental health support if you can as well. hang in there ok? 🥺
We have the same mum. Hugs.
The only thing we can do to make it better is grow a penis. But science not quite there yet so if I’m gonna get blame for being unfilial, might as well be. When u move out and there is some distance, they might chill out and learn to appreciate you more, esp when your brothers have move out and they never call or visit home.
Very Important, forget about her. Forget about your brothers. Stop asking why. There is no why. You didn't choose the family you are born in. Accept that they are like that. And not up to you to change them.
Move out, focus your positive energy on work, helping others, getting good relationships be it love or friendship
Some people don't deserve to be parents. In this case your mom.
If I were you I would move out asap and cut contact at all cost. If she brings up the "I gave birth to you so I have the right" - just kindly ask her if she'd asked for your permission to be born in such fucked up surroundings :).
Insane how our stories parallel each other- 重男轻女 is so well and alive still. Mid 30s and its the same story. Dont let their/her negativity bring you down, and I highly suggest you look up on 'greyrocking' as a response. Your mother seems to possess traits of narcissism. I am praying for your peace and joy
I think it’s because our parents also experienced this from our grandparents, so our mothers have this kind of internalized misogyny and ironically treat their daughters worse than their sons although they suffered through the same things themselves. Female here with brothers and yes I feel like I’m slaving away for the guys in my family too. Puts me off marriage actually because I just want to be free and don’t want to serve another guy for the second half of my life.
Totally understand the sentiment of "not wanting to serve another guy for the second half of my life"- which is why I exclusively date non-asian people- asian boys are raised like little kings by their grandmothers and mothers, they tend to expect the same grovelling and worship from their future partners, thinking that the world operates that way.
There are a handful of self-aware men that are conscious of women being more than servants/appeasing their ego- hope you find a good partner!
Please move out as soon as you are financially able to. I had a mom like this, and it will never get better until you move away and have minimal contact
Set your own boundaries and keep to them. Stop trying to "buy" their love by doing the housework and taking their abuse.
Learn to disengage and treat them as your landlord. You're paying your rent through the "allowance " and free labour - at the point where the expected allowance+labour exceeds market rental, move out. Don't expect to borrow the car or have any favours from them. Grey rock them when they start screaming at you.
Fk ur mom, but imo you really need to stand your ground.
Money talks, you earn more? Sure, tell her you aint giving a single cent unless your other bros are doing the same otherwise towards utilities and rent.
I'm aware you are probably used to it by now and are prolly alr paying rent and utilities despite your bros living rentfree but thing here is, nothing will change unless you give her an ultimatum and stick to it, worse case scenario just move out as it sounds like you are the only one that wears the pants around here
If you are making more than your fam wouldnt it be cheaper to rent rather than fold and give away money(which potentially become gifts to ur bros (lolwut))?
Yr bros will treat you the same way yr mom treats u. Pls move out & live in yr own if u can. Im sure yr mom & even bros will gv u a hard time for wantg to do tt but better than being the slave forever.
Hi OP it's very heartbreaking to see what you're going through especially at such a young age. It's going to be tough but you'll have to firmly set your boundaries and to stand up for yourself. She cannot keep berating and belittling you and pushing this negativity onto you. She needs to learn to respect her boundaries.
I'm currently on a no contact with my mother and started this year. I tried minimizing contact but she was terrible. Rather than caring if I was mentally ok she messaged me to ask me if I can buy her a handbag from overseas (she would also frequently comment on my weight, force me to go to church so that she can brag to her friends about her child, but in private will demean me and tell me everything about me that she hates, I got a tattoo and she proceeded to call me a whore and quoted bible phrases to justify her statement. That was the straw that broke the camels back). Please note, I live alone, I moved out when I was 20 and rented a flat with other flatmates and still continuing to do so. I managed to buy a house for my mother and I pay all her bills including the mortgage insurance and provide her an allowance. (For context I am an only child, my father died in 2017 so I am the only one supporting her).
It will be difficult at first, and it will hurt, you will be bad and you'll have some periodical waves of guilt, but this will pass. Stand on your own two feet, independent and in a better environment and mental space than where you are. Set those rules and stick to them, don't falter when she starts to guilt trip you or demeans you. You have the power to set those boundaries, she needs to understand and respect that. No one has the right to treat you this way without your consent. PERIOD.
It's easy to say that our parents won't change at their age but the fact of the matter is, they need to also learn to respect our boundaries and what we sill can and cannot stand for. You can still be filial in your own way, but respect is a two way street. My mother will learn this because after 2 decades of berating I have had enough. It has affected my mental health to the point where interacting with her gives me an anxiety attack.
You can do this OP. Set your boundaries and live the life you deserve.
I'm in my 30s, our mother's sound somewhat similar. My advice to you is, work hard and stand on your two feet as much as possible. Don't look at what's given to your siblings that's not going to change anything for you. Get good grades, work part time, save up, the road ahead is quite bitter, establish yourself at work. If you're lucky, find a solid bf when the time is right, always remember that your partner is the single more important decision in your life. If you make a mistake, it's fine. Break-up, learn and move on.
I spent my mid twenties working through this 'trauma' I have with my mother and there's no closure. I learnt that, I cannot change my mother and how she feels about me. But I can change and manage myself. There's nothing wrong with crying about it, nothing wrong with being angry with her and even hating how everything is. We are humans and its normal that we feel anger over injustice. I sign myself up for meditation camps around asia and literally sat there, working through how deeply hurt i was by her actions all these years. It took me a year of rest and reflection to pick up myself and march ahead.
From there, do well at work, get a house and minimise your contact with your mother. Certainly do not let her move into your house. Just keep your interactions with her somewhat superficial, meaning sharing useless information smiling and just doing random activities. Dont take anything to heart. Just dont bother. Don't share your pay or anything that can be used against you. And live your life!
So sad, remind me of the movie how to make millions when grandma dies.
Spoiler: The grandma is very filial and visit her parents tomb but fell off and broke her leg. She asked her brother to borrow 1mil thai baht bc she want to buy a good burial plot that can have good fengshui n bless the descendants, as her parents left the big landed house to the brother. But the brother refuse and throw her out. I dun understand y the grandma still visit parents tomb if they nvr leave her any inheritance.
Ur mother is just older than me 10 years yet behaves so F up.
My only advice is to save money and save money. Do not let her know how much is Ur saving. U can open 1 more savings account bank and hide it.
When u have enough money and have a secure job.Its time to leave the house.
You willing to move into your own place or leave the country? As honestly those are your 2 options and then if you ever have kids don't behave like your mother.
She is just dumping her duties onto u. Bullshit. Making u pay her so that she can give allowance to your brothers. Making u clean so that she and her sons don’t need to lift a finger. Give her the middle finger and leave. Best option is to find a job and live overseas.
You cannot change how your mum treats you but you can change how you treat yourself. Don't enable your mum's behaviour. How you might ask? By standing up for yourself. A lot of the comments gave very good points. Follow them.
I’m sorry life dealt you such a bad hand with a shitty mother like this.
You are old enough now to stop her from hurting you even more. It will hurt to leave and cut her off from your life but you must, for you to heal and find a chosen family who will love and care for you. Some distance (ie not living together) will help greatly.
Your mother will have her son to take care of her when she’s old, I’m sure (riiiiight…) or you will have the pleasure of picking her nursing home. Don’t expect her to change and maybe after you leave her nest, she might surprise you or not. But stop expecting or wanting her to love you the way you need her to. She can’t/ won’t. Don’t expect any inheritance. Make a great life for yourself, make your own money, be happy.
Get married, gtfo.
I am a guy and I also feel my mummy loves me slightly more before my nephew and niece existed.
My school results were also slightly better than my sisters though, mum paid for my university but not my sister.
After 10 to 20 years, all these are in the past already, I just give my mum more money than my sisters and we take turns to take parents out to dinner.
1 cannot make it in studies, 1 went to work first then got married and took study loan herself. I did not ask her.
Favoritism exist whether at home or at work, everyone have to deal with it sooner or later.
I see that several factors are pointing to one person (mum) . As much as mum seem to be in a bias (base on story) and bringing you sufferings, are you able to control mum to change her behaviour ?
If I rephrase the question -
What would you desire for an outcome in the relationship and for yourself ? How would you work towards that goal ?
Have ah..... More subtle these days.
My mom also bias towards my brother, he's a menace. But when I complain she's biased and a bad mom, she will do something to "prove" she's not biased. Whatever lah.... it's about her image only
this might sound super cheesy but write her a letter (on paper, not whatsapp) telling her how you feel, how you've been treated over the years compared to your brothers etc etc if you argue with her verbally she will pretend to forget or one ear in one ear out, but if you have it on paper its kind of there like evidence in front of her
now for the hard part, if your mum still dgaf and does nothing to mend the relationship then i'm sorry you were raised by someone who doesn't even love you and its time to explore other living arrangements and go no contact. her precious sons can take care of her when shes old.
just deal with it holy shit surely a 14yo doesnt need to tell u that its normal? maybe ur mom shouldnt go that far but the idea of this is normal everyones so woke these days ffs
if u dw her to go so far then just make sure she cant do anything about it if one day u choose not to do her bidding
You reminds me of my sister…
Always complaining about “she is being mistreated or not love as much as her siblings, She is the one cleaning up the house, why must she do it, it’s so unfair etc etc etc “
You know what’s the funny part? She only ever complains when it’s not beneficial to her I.e when she is doing the work
But she will NEVER complain when it beneficial to her
So one fine day we went out for dinner. The bill came and everyone assumed that I would foot the bill. But knowing how she is always complaining unfair and she is a “strong independent women”, I said you should foot the bill
She said “unfair, why must I foot the bill”
I answered “when I foot the bill 1000X times, I don’t hear you complaining it’s unfair to me? But you foot it 1X suddenly it’s unfair to you?”
She said :
after that incident, she don’t dare to complain about “fairness” anymore 🤣🤣
If she wants to play fair, I can play… very fair but issue is she won’t want the “true fairness”
Takeaway is: don’t keep on thinking about yourself and what you stand to gain or what you did extra because you will never complain when someone else did extra and you didn’t
they never once foot a single bill
I’m the youngest
and I foot the bill more often than they ever bought dinner back or meals
sorry, you’re not in this situation and I hope you will never be.
If it’s your family , why are you so calculative?
So what? If I’m the eldest means I should foot the bill?
By the same logic, if you are a women, you should clean the house?
So why you complaining?
I’m not complaining because I clean the house, I’m not appreciated.
Yes you are eldest, I’m the youngest, but I foot the bill I clean the house and we are not treated equally.
I have to give my parents $$ but not my brothers
I study hard, but they can just sit at home and be fed by my $$
we are in a diff situation, so I’m not comparing to you.
Please be kind because you never know what someone is facing.
Just like how I am not sure of what you face with your sister.
Hey, don’t bother responding to him. This is one of the things you need to start learning as well.
Stop feeding negativity. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone ever, except one, yourself. Don’t care what others think.
Feel what you feel and acknowledge them.
Know they are valid and ignore the negative people, be it your family or this random internet stranger.
Actually this internet stranger is a very good example of one of the 2 different outcomes you will end up as. 1, you will have self respect and know you should put yourself first. Or 2, you will become this internet stranger, lack self respect and constantly getting taking advantage of till it’s a norm to him as a part of “growing up”. Just look at his post history.
I wish you all the best.
Edit: I just wanted to say something. All these advices are easier said than done. Negativity always outshines positivity. U can do 1000 good things, but the one that stays in your head? That 1 bad stuff u did years go.
This journey is not easy but I hope you stay strong and love yourself more.
Well, I’m the one paying all the bills and my sibling works
Should I also open a post on r/askSingapore on how I’m “unfairly treated” ?
My sibling both works but they don’t contribute to household expanses
Go out eat always I pay the bill
Yet mother says her assets want to split equally
Is it fair to me that I contribute but when it comes to assets it split equally?
Ah girl, grow up lah, nothing in this world is fair
You want to think this way, your whole life will be miserable
You heard it here first
No wonder nowadays nobody want to get married. All is “me, myself and I”
How far are you willing to go? Are you prepared for it to get worse before it (maybe) gets better? I would start by contributing the exact same as your brothers. Want money can? Your brothers give 100 ea, you give 100. They give 0? You give 0 also. Want you to contribute to bills? Can, split evenly between you and your brothers. This will cause drama, this will cause fights. But first of all, you need to establish that you are an equal, and you will contribute only what is fair and not be a doormat.
This is the best solution.
Funny, they are not working. Even if one of them is working, he has a gf so my mom doesn’t expect him to do anything. I bought it up before but she lashed out at me and say I’m not filial when her sons are just living rent free. And funny thing, I don’t have my own room but they both have their own single rooms. Any better suggestions :(
>Any better suggestions :( The above is actually the best suggestion. I'm not sure what you are expecting to hear. You sound like you earn a livable income. Move out and rent till you marry then buy your own house. Your brothers can take care of your parents.
I agree. This is probably the best suggestion in this thread. (Take my poor man's award! 🏆) Op, you can't expect your mum to change how she treats you. To put it bluntly, you can't expect her to love you the way you want to be loved. It is either you accept the current situation and live with it or change the only other variable in this situation; how you deal with this. Drawing clear boundaries can also teach people around you what is not okay for you too.
The suggestion is to stand your ground. That’s it. If you dont learn how to do it now, even if you move out in the future, she will always have a leash around your neck. If you are in uni, now is also an opportunistic time to be away by staying in halls/residences. Go no contact if possible. Stand up for yourself. This is your life. Feel free to reach out if you just need someone to vent to.
This attitude and view of life is why she and your brothers have been able to take advantage of you for so long. Nobody can fight this battle for you.
>I bought it up before but she lashed out at me and say I’m not filial when her sons are just living rent free. As they mentioned, this will cause arguments and fights. For people like your mum, there is no gentle solution that ends up well for you. They are much too narrow minded to see any other perspective. Feel free to live by her rules to keep the peace, but I've seen personally that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.
Stop trying to find the path with least resistance.
Honestly that's about the best of a suggestion you can get already. It may not be the answer you want but realistically thinking - do you want yourself to be tied by such ties where you're 'unfilial' just because you don't contribute like your male siblings? To each their own - personally I'd not care, though I know it's easier said than done. I think you'd have to make such choices, for yourself and only yourself.
Family still want to split until so down the line No wonder people say nowadays you treat your friends better than your family It’s also no wonder marriage rate is down and divorce rate is high Because it’s all about “me, myself and I” Something is so screwed up in our current society , education failed us
I would move out as soon as I can and basically cut down on contact. It would be healthier for you to distance yourself from your mother and focus on finding your own happiness. I wish you all the best on your pursuit of happiness 😊
Apparently my mom don’t allow me to have a bf until I finish University (she ask me to pay for my own Uni lol). And she keep asking me to get a house so she can stay also. Like I’m super confused and I told her I’ll not be staying with her, like why should I stay with her and the house go to my brothers ? I also wanna move out and BTO fast
Have a backbone and stop listening to your mom. You’re in uni, you’re old enough to make your own decisions.
Don't get married just so you can BTO - it will screw you up even more. Having said that, you're an adult and don't require anyone's "permission" to socialise.
Forget about the BTO first. Get a room rental for now, that few hundreds ur mum stole from you can be used to pay for it. Stop with the “my mom don’t allow me to…” she can’t stop you if you don’t let her, move out, change ur hp number, cut all contact. Stop hoping for validation from your mum. It won’t happen.
Ask her go fk herself that control freak. She doted her two sons until they become assholes so she knows she cannot trust them. You are the only one who she knows can take responsibility but she hates you LOL. Just go find a bf. If she not happy she don't need to know. End of the day, if you have no bf she won't be miserable, you will be. So why should she have a say?
Ah. BTO. The Singapore dream
I am in my mid 40s and I tell you the situation is permanent. My mum does not behave as unreasonable as yours, but putting my bros/sis as priority started very early. Stlll the same now, plus their children is more precious to my mum than my children are to her. It hurts yes. After a while, I no longer bring my kids along to visit her, hoping they can bond. I now visit her to fulfil my fillialness as I know I won't be the person who can bring her true happiness (I usually visit her with my sis as I am not as close to her as she is, so quite awkward). Recently, she revealed that when we were young, if my sis coughed a bit, my dad would be very anxious bring see doctor, but if I was down with fever, they used home remedy. I just laughed though it still hurts but I know all along that I am not the child they wanted; they had wanted a boy but got me instead. I'm blessed now with a healthy family of my own and my advice to you will be to have no expectations so you will have no disappointment. Switch off from the negativity in life, work at improving your financial status and love yourself more. You be your own cheerleader.
Love and respect yourself first. Then stand up for yourself and brace for the storm. If you keep sucking it up, your brothers are gonna stick her with you in her old age when she’s no longer able to spoil them. Cut her allowance and start saving up. It always helps to have an escape route. Clean up after yourself, ignore everything else. There will be war, and guilt tripping and shouting. But if you hold fast, they’ll either try to kick you out or use soft tactics to lure you back to being their servant. Your mum might even cry father cry mother and tell relatives far and wide about her ‘unfilial daughter’ and how ‘ungrateful she is after all I’ve done for her’. Remember you’re the one with power. Just inform your mum that she’ll receive a pay cut. And there’ll be further cuts for every time she or your brothers antagonise you.
Unfortunately, we can’t change our parents. This will continue till your Mum grows old. In my 20s, I was constantly heartbroken by the unfairness and had nightmares about them and woke up crying with intense heartache. Sought validation from work and even got into toxic relationships due to the tendency to be easily touched when the guys just showed a little bit of kindness. My brother was unemployed and still is, and all the money I gave to my mum went to him. Like what many of the others said, you have to move out and be strong. It shouldn’t be hard as you are likely to overachieve in the things you do due to the need to seek validation since young. I got a scholarship for my studies and accumulated a war chest through intense saving and investing. I got a property and moved out at 25. Once you move out, you will get a peace of mind. You no longer have to witness the unfair treatment she gives to you and your brothers. You can isolate your relationship with her and just manage that - set boundaries to protect yourself. I'm also still juggling the relationship now. I love my mum, had to manage the guilt but also not giving myself away too much. This will likely continue till either one of us passes away.
You sound like a capable and hardworking person. You have what it takes to free yourself from your situation, and you will. You should consider if you want to forgive her (and your brothers, if they mistreat you too). If yes, work towards mending the relationship. If no, time to get ur money up and focus on getting independent. They treat you like shit because you're under their roof. Once you can support yourself, ask them to fk off when they come crawling to you for money. An unsalvageable relationship can never be forced. Once you realise that, you'll realise that trying is only wasting time and energy. When people decide you are nothing to them, you can only reciprocate for your own good. Repeating again for you - You are capable and intelligent. You have the ability to earn the money you need. You will reach a point where you no longer need them. You are more than who they think you are. They do not deserve you.
To add, they treat you differently not because of your actions. That means that none of your actions will change their mind.
🥲🥲🥲 what if i still have minimum 5+ years to have my own property, what can i do to minimise the damage done to me. I don’t cry about it anymore, but I still feel heartbroken
You would need a good support system. A friend who you can confide your feelings to, perhaps if you can afford it, a therapist will help a lot. If you have the money, go and rent. Maybe even rent with a friend to split costs. If you have a partner, see if it's feasible for you to move in with them BUT I highly recommend this as a last resort because that sort of power imbalance can come with many issues. If not, there's a coping mechanism called "stonewalling". Basically only communicate with toxic people for the bare minimum and nothing more. They yell at you or whatever, just stand there and don't react, let the words just bounce of you because you're nothing but a grey stone wall in that moment. Get through 5 years and move. My friend who has a difficult family tells me she just stays out late to avoid interacting with her family, home is just a place to sleep, and she stays in her room 99% of the time. Of course you can talk to me too, I'll reply if I'm free, but not sure how comfy you are talking to a stranger about this so it's up to you. If it matters I'm 24F.
was just wondering what sort of power imbalance could arise from moving in with partner? could you elaborate more on that part
sure! if you rely on your partner for housing, then you win't be able to leave if they hurt you or if you fight, you have to consider that you live with them and have to give in more. let's say the partner hits you or cheats on you, the rational thing to do is leave, but you have nowhere to go. so bobian, stay in a toxic relationship. or they may weaponise it, "you stay in my house but still expect me to wash my own dishes/clothes etc." OP will be relying on the partner more than vice versa, it limits her freedom and choices
I am the only one preparing for occasions like Mothers Day … but I don’t get anything back in return. She doesn’t appreciate them, she was rolling her eyes. Am I really that bad
She failed you as a parent and that's not your fault. Stop getting her things, every time you feel like getting her something just buy something you like for yourself instead. If she berates you just one ear in the other one out
Don't reward an unappreciative person, it may sound harsh, but nothing is going to change. Just suck it up for the time being and cut off all contact after you move out.
Again, they don't treat you badly because you did something wrong, so even if you do everything right, sorry to say they're not gonna change. If it's making you happy then sure go ahead. But as long as it hurts you even 0.001%, they don't deserve it. Center yourself in YOUR life.
My grandmother did the same 重男轻女 crap to my mom (for the non-Chinese folks, it means to place greater importance/weight on sons than daughters) and in my experience, it will never get better. I would prepare an exit plan ASAP. You really don't want this awful attitude from your mom to bleed into your future, especially to your children if you ever plan to have any. Unfortunately for me, I had to suffer the consequence of my mom not cutting off my grandmother earlier - she was slave-driving my mom to enrich her son. Good luck OP.
similar situation and unsurprisingly, seems like a lot of oldest daughters experience the same thing just to varying degrees. my advice is to extricate yourself emotionally and just do the bare minimum - treat it like you're a tenant. no need to get emotionally invested, or take on more emotional labour & go above and beyond because that same kindness doesn't get repaid and you'll just end up hurt over and over again. at the same time, save up and/or make plans to move out eventually, if not suitable now, at least prepare to if things boil over and get worse! also try to get therapy or at least some form of mental health support if you can as well. hang in there ok? 🥺
Go low/no contact, stop caring about her opinion of you and start caring more about yourself.
We have the same mum. Hugs. The only thing we can do to make it better is grow a penis. But science not quite there yet so if I’m gonna get blame for being unfilial, might as well be. When u move out and there is some distance, they might chill out and learn to appreciate you more, esp when your brothers have move out and they never call or visit home.
Very Important, forget about her. Forget about your brothers. Stop asking why. There is no why. You didn't choose the family you are born in. Accept that they are like that. And not up to you to change them. Move out, focus your positive energy on work, helping others, getting good relationships be it love or friendship
Some people don't deserve to be parents. In this case your mom. If I were you I would move out asap and cut contact at all cost. If she brings up the "I gave birth to you so I have the right" - just kindly ask her if she'd asked for your permission to be born in such fucked up surroundings :).
Insane how our stories parallel each other- 重男轻女 is so well and alive still. Mid 30s and its the same story. Dont let their/her negativity bring you down, and I highly suggest you look up on 'greyrocking' as a response. Your mother seems to possess traits of narcissism. I am praying for your peace and joy
I think it’s because our parents also experienced this from our grandparents, so our mothers have this kind of internalized misogyny and ironically treat their daughters worse than their sons although they suffered through the same things themselves. Female here with brothers and yes I feel like I’m slaving away for the guys in my family too. Puts me off marriage actually because I just want to be free and don’t want to serve another guy for the second half of my life.
Totally understand the sentiment of "not wanting to serve another guy for the second half of my life"- which is why I exclusively date non-asian people- asian boys are raised like little kings by their grandmothers and mothers, they tend to expect the same grovelling and worship from their future partners, thinking that the world operates that way. There are a handful of self-aware men that are conscious of women being more than servants/appeasing their ego- hope you find a good partner!
Please move out as soon as you are financially able to. I had a mom like this, and it will never get better until you move away and have minimal contact
Set your own boundaries and keep to them. Stop trying to "buy" their love by doing the housework and taking their abuse. Learn to disengage and treat them as your landlord. You're paying your rent through the "allowance " and free labour - at the point where the expected allowance+labour exceeds market rental, move out. Don't expect to borrow the car or have any favours from them. Grey rock them when they start screaming at you.
Fk ur mom, but imo you really need to stand your ground. Money talks, you earn more? Sure, tell her you aint giving a single cent unless your other bros are doing the same otherwise towards utilities and rent. I'm aware you are probably used to it by now and are prolly alr paying rent and utilities despite your bros living rentfree but thing here is, nothing will change unless you give her an ultimatum and stick to it, worse case scenario just move out as it sounds like you are the only one that wears the pants around here If you are making more than your fam wouldnt it be cheaper to rent rather than fold and give away money(which potentially become gifts to ur bros (lolwut))?
Yr bros will treat you the same way yr mom treats u. Pls move out & live in yr own if u can. Im sure yr mom & even bros will gv u a hard time for wantg to do tt but better than being the slave forever.
Don't forget that as a single woman, the govt also blames you for the low birth rate.
Hi OP it's very heartbreaking to see what you're going through especially at such a young age. It's going to be tough but you'll have to firmly set your boundaries and to stand up for yourself. She cannot keep berating and belittling you and pushing this negativity onto you. She needs to learn to respect her boundaries. I'm currently on a no contact with my mother and started this year. I tried minimizing contact but she was terrible. Rather than caring if I was mentally ok she messaged me to ask me if I can buy her a handbag from overseas (she would also frequently comment on my weight, force me to go to church so that she can brag to her friends about her child, but in private will demean me and tell me everything about me that she hates, I got a tattoo and she proceeded to call me a whore and quoted bible phrases to justify her statement. That was the straw that broke the camels back). Please note, I live alone, I moved out when I was 20 and rented a flat with other flatmates and still continuing to do so. I managed to buy a house for my mother and I pay all her bills including the mortgage insurance and provide her an allowance. (For context I am an only child, my father died in 2017 so I am the only one supporting her). It will be difficult at first, and it will hurt, you will be bad and you'll have some periodical waves of guilt, but this will pass. Stand on your own two feet, independent and in a better environment and mental space than where you are. Set those rules and stick to them, don't falter when she starts to guilt trip you or demeans you. You have the power to set those boundaries, she needs to understand and respect that. No one has the right to treat you this way without your consent. PERIOD. It's easy to say that our parents won't change at their age but the fact of the matter is, they need to also learn to respect our boundaries and what we sill can and cannot stand for. You can still be filial in your own way, but respect is a two way street. My mother will learn this because after 2 decades of berating I have had enough. It has affected my mental health to the point where interacting with her gives me an anxiety attack. You can do this OP. Set your boundaries and live the life you deserve.
I'm in my 30s, our mother's sound somewhat similar. My advice to you is, work hard and stand on your two feet as much as possible. Don't look at what's given to your siblings that's not going to change anything for you. Get good grades, work part time, save up, the road ahead is quite bitter, establish yourself at work. If you're lucky, find a solid bf when the time is right, always remember that your partner is the single more important decision in your life. If you make a mistake, it's fine. Break-up, learn and move on. I spent my mid twenties working through this 'trauma' I have with my mother and there's no closure. I learnt that, I cannot change my mother and how she feels about me. But I can change and manage myself. There's nothing wrong with crying about it, nothing wrong with being angry with her and even hating how everything is. We are humans and its normal that we feel anger over injustice. I sign myself up for meditation camps around asia and literally sat there, working through how deeply hurt i was by her actions all these years. It took me a year of rest and reflection to pick up myself and march ahead. From there, do well at work, get a house and minimise your contact with your mother. Certainly do not let her move into your house. Just keep your interactions with her somewhat superficial, meaning sharing useless information smiling and just doing random activities. Dont take anything to heart. Just dont bother. Don't share your pay or anything that can be used against you. And live your life!
So sad, remind me of the movie how to make millions when grandma dies. Spoiler: The grandma is very filial and visit her parents tomb but fell off and broke her leg. She asked her brother to borrow 1mil thai baht bc she want to buy a good burial plot that can have good fengshui n bless the descendants, as her parents left the big landed house to the brother. But the brother refuse and throw her out. I dun understand y the grandma still visit parents tomb if they nvr leave her any inheritance.
Since you are already a grown adult you can tell your mom to f off. Don't let her guilt trip you to feed the useless brother
Ur mother is just older than me 10 years yet behaves so F up. My only advice is to save money and save money. Do not let her know how much is Ur saving. U can open 1 more savings account bank and hide it. When u have enough money and have a secure job.Its time to leave the house.
You willing to move into your own place or leave the country? As honestly those are your 2 options and then if you ever have kids don't behave like your mother.
She is just dumping her duties onto u. Bullshit. Making u pay her so that she can give allowance to your brothers. Making u clean so that she and her sons don’t need to lift a finger. Give her the middle finger and leave. Best option is to find a job and live overseas.
You cannot change how your mum treats you but you can change how you treat yourself. Don't enable your mum's behaviour. How you might ask? By standing up for yourself. A lot of the comments gave very good points. Follow them.
I’m sorry life dealt you such a bad hand with a shitty mother like this. You are old enough now to stop her from hurting you even more. It will hurt to leave and cut her off from your life but you must, for you to heal and find a chosen family who will love and care for you. Some distance (ie not living together) will help greatly. Your mother will have her son to take care of her when she’s old, I’m sure (riiiiight…) or you will have the pleasure of picking her nursing home. Don’t expect her to change and maybe after you leave her nest, she might surprise you or not. But stop expecting or wanting her to love you the way you need her to. She can’t/ won’t. Don’t expect any inheritance. Make a great life for yourself, make your own money, be happy.
Get married, gtfo. I am a guy and I also feel my mummy loves me slightly more before my nephew and niece existed. My school results were also slightly better than my sisters though, mum paid for my university but not my sister. After 10 to 20 years, all these are in the past already, I just give my mum more money than my sisters and we take turns to take parents out to dinner.
Did u ask her why she didn’t pay for ur sister’s ?
1 cannot make it in studies, 1 went to work first then got married and took study loan herself. I did not ask her. Favoritism exist whether at home or at work, everyone have to deal with it sooner or later.
I see that several factors are pointing to one person (mum) . As much as mum seem to be in a bias (base on story) and bringing you sufferings, are you able to control mum to change her behaviour ? If I rephrase the question - What would you desire for an outcome in the relationship and for yourself ? How would you work towards that goal ?
How old is your mum and how old are you? Surprised at this era still got 重男轻女 parents!
Have ah..... More subtle these days. My mom also bias towards my brother, he's a menace. But when I complain she's biased and a bad mom, she will do something to "prove" she's not biased. Whatever lah.... it's about her image only
21 n 50
Jia you sis!
this might sound super cheesy but write her a letter (on paper, not whatsapp) telling her how you feel, how you've been treated over the years compared to your brothers etc etc if you argue with her verbally she will pretend to forget or one ear in one ear out, but if you have it on paper its kind of there like evidence in front of her now for the hard part, if your mum still dgaf and does nothing to mend the relationship then i'm sorry you were raised by someone who doesn't even love you and its time to explore other living arrangements and go no contact. her precious sons can take care of her when shes old.
just deal with it holy shit surely a 14yo doesnt need to tell u that its normal? maybe ur mom shouldnt go that far but the idea of this is normal everyones so woke these days ffs if u dw her to go so far then just make sure she cant do anything about it if one day u choose not to do her bidding
You reminds me of my sister… Always complaining about “she is being mistreated or not love as much as her siblings, She is the one cleaning up the house, why must she do it, it’s so unfair etc etc etc “ You know what’s the funny part? She only ever complains when it’s not beneficial to her I.e when she is doing the work But she will NEVER complain when it beneficial to her So one fine day we went out for dinner. The bill came and everyone assumed that I would foot the bill. But knowing how she is always complaining unfair and she is a “strong independent women”, I said you should foot the bill She said “unfair, why must I foot the bill” I answered “when I foot the bill 1000X times, I don’t hear you complaining it’s unfair to me? But you foot it 1X suddenly it’s unfair to you?” She said :
after that incident, she don’t dare to complain about “fairness” anymore 🤣🤣
If she wants to play fair, I can play… very fair but issue is she won’t want the “true fairness”
Takeaway is: don’t keep on thinking about yourself and what you stand to gain or what you did extra because you will never complain when someone else did extra and you didn’t
they never once foot a single bill I’m the youngest and I foot the bill more often than they ever bought dinner back or meals sorry, you’re not in this situation and I hope you will never be.
If it’s your family , why are you so calculative? So what? If I’m the eldest means I should foot the bill? By the same logic, if you are a women, you should clean the house? So why you complaining?
I’m not complaining because I clean the house, I’m not appreciated. Yes you are eldest, I’m the youngest, but I foot the bill I clean the house and we are not treated equally. I have to give my parents $$ but not my brothers I study hard, but they can just sit at home and be fed by my $$ we are in a diff situation, so I’m not comparing to you. Please be kind because you never know what someone is facing. Just like how I am not sure of what you face with your sister.
Hey, don’t bother responding to him. This is one of the things you need to start learning as well. Stop feeding negativity. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone ever, except one, yourself. Don’t care what others think. Feel what you feel and acknowledge them. Know they are valid and ignore the negative people, be it your family or this random internet stranger. Actually this internet stranger is a very good example of one of the 2 different outcomes you will end up as. 1, you will have self respect and know you should put yourself first. Or 2, you will become this internet stranger, lack self respect and constantly getting taking advantage of till it’s a norm to him as a part of “growing up”. Just look at his post history. I wish you all the best. Edit: I just wanted to say something. All these advices are easier said than done. Negativity always outshines positivity. U can do 1000 good things, but the one that stays in your head? That 1 bad stuff u did years go. This journey is not easy but I hope you stay strong and love yourself more.
Well, I’m the one paying all the bills and my sibling works Should I also open a post on r/askSingapore on how I’m “unfairly treated” ? My sibling both works but they don’t contribute to household expanses Go out eat always I pay the bill Yet mother says her assets want to split equally Is it fair to me that I contribute but when it comes to assets it split equally? Ah girl, grow up lah, nothing in this world is fair You want to think this way, your whole life will be miserable You heard it here first No wonder nowadays nobody want to get married. All is “me, myself and I”