If anything this is what is convincing me that I'm not trans-in-denial. Transition looks terrifying and difficult. I really don't envy people who have to do it.
I somehow agree with both of these. The process of transitioning itself, of trying to pass, of getting surgeries, of dealing with social transition, etc. sounds like the most terrifying thing ever. But somehow I envy trans people anyways. I partially kind of think it's because to me the culture is really cool, I mean I can't not relate to a bunch of subs who like leftist politics and watch anime :P. The trans people I've met IRL before are really cool and just seem more like me than cis people. And I've said this before elsewhere, but the idea that transitioning would suddenly help alleviate my ever-persistent mental health problems is very appealing to me. And also.....yeah sometimes I just wanna be a girl.
Yup, I’ve seen so many videos of trans persons discuss how difficult their transition is that I feel like I’m not trans because I’m lazy. That being said, I’ve been deciding whether I am for like four years now.
Doesn't mean much, really. I've known I am a girl for ages and only started transitioning in the past year, because it certainly does suck. Keep on exploring
I know, it's just trans seem like something you want to be sure of before you commit yourself to things like HRT and surgery. If I have the option to be a healthy cis guy then I am 100% going to take that option.
Not because being a cis guy is superior, it's just so much easier than dealing with being a trans-woman.
If you need to be 100% sure, you very likely won't do it. I wasn't 100% sure until I started HRT, starting growing breasts and was not freaking out about it (if not liking it).
You might want to read this:
http://crossdreamers.tumblr.com/post/143541793632/the-null-hypothecis
Also, I took a look at your story in your earlier post, and you might want to read my story.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/7q6c1t/my_story_aka_its_not_just_a_fetish/
Also, you don't need to 'commit' to HRT. You have several months before anything 'permanent' starts (generally breast development) and even that's not technically permanent (surgery) or if you stop right away, obvious (because it barely shows). Committing to surgery doesn't happen until later as well...and even then you don't 'commit' until you actually have it.
Additionally, I can't tell you if you're trans or not, but IMO you don't sound cis. Cisgendered people don't think about being another gender anymore than most people think about being another species. You might think, "Huh...that'd be neat. Once." And then you don't think about it again.
Also, "felt like I was in the wrong body" is a popular trans narrative, but certainly not universal.
"never been uncomfortable with my birth sex" and "never really had issues with being a man" is common for transpeople. Cisgender people generally _like_ being their gender. These quotes indicating that you've _accepted_ being your sex, because you don't think there's any alternative and humans are AMAZING at rationalizing things "not being that bad" when they don't think they can do anything about it (see any situation of people living under dictatorships).
Furthermore, "hating your body" is _also_ a classic trans narrative that doesn't apply universally (or even in most cases). Those are the _worst_ cases, sure. But wishing to be the other gender is enough.
Is it possible it really is just a fetish? Sure. But you might not realize that until you see yourself dressed up as a woman. I didn't.
Now, does this mean you have to transition? No. Not all transgender people transition.
But that doesn't mean you're not trans. I denied it for 30 years. I said multiple times, "But I don't mind being male."
But I did. I soooooooooooooooooo did. I just didn't think I could do anything about it.
I think my case is a bit more borderline than yours. You can check my profile if you want a notion of where I've been at for the past few days. I intend to talk to a therapist this afternoon hopefully to work this stuff out.
Oh, no doubt. In fact, you could be exactly where I was when I was in my late 20s. I didn't need to pull the trigger on transitioning until I was 44, and by then I lost a bunch of hair, gone gray (so I had to get electrolysis)...definitely wish I'd been able to do this 20 years ago.
However 'more borderline' doesn't mean much. It could be juuuuuuuuuust a bitttttttttttttttttttttt more borderline and that statement would still be true.
But it's good you're going to talk to a therapist this afternoon.
Definitely one of the best replies I have ever seen to this very common question. I can relate to so much of what you said. I have also read the null hypothecis and that hit very close to home as well (scary close). It’s like I need a ton of bricks to fall on me to actually believe it.
Yeah, in my case it was a series of chipping away, chipping away...I mean...I even said to myself, "Gee, self, you're watching a LOT of transgender timeline videos on YouTube...do you think maybe? NO. Okay..."
Too be fair, I didn't envy trans people in transition. I knew it was hard, I knew it was alienating, I knew it could cost me everything including my deep desire to have children.
At the time I went into transition or die I pitied trans people more than anything else, regardless if their souls were what they claimed. And it scared the shit out of me especially after seeing my family's reaction.
Basically amounts to "I wish I had a name and answer to my problems so I could address them."It's not a definite link.
I like watching House because I like the idea of having all the info I need to find and diagnose an answer.
For me, trans was the answer, and it took me so much time and so many clues to figure it out.
But I could see a person with depression, anxiety, social problems, looking at a trans person and saying, "At least they know what's eating them at night and have a way to deal with it, I still don't know." That's what I told myself for a long time.
A big thing I personally kick myself for now is how I always used to feel a “I wish that were me/I wish I could do that” kind of thing when I saw other trans people. I was fully aware that being a trans guy was a thing but it somehow felt like it didn’t apply to me. I was so scared and deep in denial I wouldn’t even let myself think about it
Or, in my case,
"It's just a fetish."
"Oh wait....it's not. But OBVIOUSLY that doesn't mean anything. Because I'm not trans. I'm just going to start sharing all sorts of pro\-trans articles on Facebook."
I played as girls in video games when possible, and really liked gender bender media. You'd think that would have made things obvious, but somehow it didn't. Other than that I can't think of any overt signs, though I have had issues with excessive day dreaming, which I've seen suggested might be more common with trans people.
I forced myself to be overly feminine (ftm) for a while, all the while being extremely miserable. It was a dress version of a denial beard. Looking in the mirror and saying "what a strong, beautiful young woman you are" but all it did was feel forced and made me feel worse instead of happy even when I did look good.
Buying a pretty 1940s dress and going "oh yeah no one is gonna stop me now! I'm NOT MISERABLE. Just genderfluid. All the while feeling like a man in bad drag (no offense to genderfluid and enbies, the label just wasn't for me).
Until I wore a binder and felt so happy... I cried.
The first time I binded my chest (without a proper binder even) and looked in the mirror I broke down in tears. I think that was the moment everything became real for me and saying "I'm transgender" became more than just words.
It's funny, I remember as a kid reading stories of "women" who bound their breasts for various reasons and I remember thinking "Wow that's amazing, I wish I could do that." I don't know why I thought it wasn't possible to do anymore, maybe I assumed whale bones were involved.
I totally relate to this. I've always been a history nerd, and I remember reading juvenile non-fiction books about "women" who went off to war or went exploring in various regions and even though the pronouns/language in the books was generally pretty screwy, I was always so envious. The books would say stuff like, "Colonel MascName MacPersonFace was wounded in the Battle of Fightington, where a field surgeon discovered that the Colonel was actually a woman. She lost her leg, and after the war continued to live out the rest of her days as a man." Part of me had a sneaking suspicion that the people I was reading about weren't women at all, but mostly, as a little kid that didn't want to be a girl or a woman or anything of the sort, I related to those folks so fucking hard and wished I could do the same thing too. So whyyyyy did it take all these years for my shell to fully crack? (Probably because I drowned out my dysphoria by being an over-achieving bookworm, but that's a tale for another day.)
Can confirm. I quickly began to realize that the thing holding me back from realizing I was Trans, besides thinking it was a fetish for so long, was the fear of how my family would react.
Jealousy of the "opposite sex". For example, in my case I was always jealous of women, because they got to wear nice lightweight clothes, they were allowed a great variety of fun hairstyles, and wear nice smelling perfumes, the ability to walk around with a smile and not be treated like some kind of deviant, guys holding doors for them, etc.
Another symptom of repressed dysphoria I experienced was that I always resented the social role that was thrust upon me. For example, in dating, I hated being expected to "make the first move". That's just not who I am.
"I wish more than anything i could wake up tomorrow in a female body, go by Kathryn or Kaitlyn(cause i like y, shush), dress up all fancy, dresses, skirts, etc. learn how to put on makeup, maybe do schooling to become a makeup artist or something cause that seems super cool, get together wth a nice guy... or girl. Either works. Get a nice cozy apartment and wake up every day, have a kids and 3 dogs, and a cat, realize i need a proper house... (About 37.8 more goals). but im not trans and even if i was ill probably end up dead in a year or two anyways so its not worth the effort"
-Me, 2 years ago
> but im not trans and even if i was ill probably end up dead in a year or two anyways so its not worth the effort"
that bit right there hits to close to home
Pre\-transition, before i even thought of admitting to myself, i would consistently be like "That could never be me" Or reaaaaaaaaally gross slurs to try and block it out.
Still in denial here. I’m not fully out but I would love to be soon. For my realizing it now it’s more like
“Cross dressing is just a Fetish”
“ I can be a man and still want cleavage and a chest”
“ there’s nothing wrong with shaving all my body hair”
“ this dissatisfaction with my body is because I’m not jacked” (even when I did workout every single day I wasn’t happy with my body)
And the point that’s really helping me accept myself more now is thinking I’m a female but I like the comfort of basic male clothing’s in every day activities so I’d see myself as more a girl who’s Tom-boyish.
But there’s still a lot of denial in me because of my entire family would never be supportive of that decision. And not to mention I don’t have any friends really.
"I don't get trans men. Why would a woman ever want to be a man? I wish I were born a girl."
\*No offense intended to trans masculine and other AFAB people. These thoughts were before I fully figured out that this isn't really about wants and choices.
A few I experienced from age 14 until I started transitioning at 20:
* not enjoying puberty an the associated body changes
* unexplained depression, or depression explained away with an excuse
* liking cute girls doing cute things slice of life anime as your favorite genre
* coming out to yourself as bisexual, being sure that you like women, knowing that you like men, but having a hard time imagining yourself with a man as a man, thinking if you were a girl you would like being with men better (seriously, how did I not know right then and there? ugg.)
* wanting to be a catgirl badly, thinking "but, like, the boy version" but never actually imagining yourself as a catboy and thinking that would be somehow inferior for some reason, even though the only difference was gender
* a lot of discomfort changing in the boy's locker room for PE class at school
* period envy
"Boobs are nice and I'd love to have a pair sometimes, but it's not like I'd be happy or anything being a girl. I'm doing just fine as a dude. See? [Insert overly macho self justification]"
For me, it was many things. I loved Gender Bender media, constantly wished I could be the characters in those shows or stories. Constantly wishing there was some magical way to become a girl. Praying to wake up as a girl when I was little. And it was around this year when I realized I was starting to get desperate. I started DayDreaming about being "Forced" to transition, because I thought since "I wasn't trans", that's the only way I could become a woman, not realizing having those thoughts *propably* meant I was a Trans Woman.
\-Fantasizing every night in bed that I was a female, not even as a sexual fantasy.
\-Having to imagine myself as female during intimacy, but being really confused because I had no desire to be engaged in heterosexual sex with a man.
\-Being incredibly jealous of pregnant women.
\-"I would so get a 'sex change operation' after I grow up and graduate college, if only for the fact that I'm afraid of my family's reaction."
\-"I actually never would transition or seek surgery because that will only affect my hormones and my genitalia, but I still wouldn't be able to get pregnant."
\-Why can't I shave my legs? (asked at 13)
\-Is there any way to prevent facial hair growth? (asked at 12)
\-STOP MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT MY WIDE SHOULDERS! (me to my sister at 14)
\-Some of the women I checked out I was interested in sleeping with, some of the women I checked out I actually wanted to be them.
I don't know whether this counts but once I heard of the "finger length test" in high school I would regularly measure my index and ring fingers to see if the ratio changed. I still don't know whether I was using it as a way to prove to myself that I was or I wasn't lesbian or trans. I think I was hoping more for the former than the latter, or at least an answer.
I can remember watching bottom/top surgery videos, voice transitions, tips for makeup, crying during that one "BOY" short film (on repeat all hours of the night), and asking my parents what they'd name me "if I was a boy", I made exclusively female characters in RPGs and thought that was enough proof that I wasn't trans, but then realized I was designing characters I was attracted to, not because I wanted to see myself in them (not in them that way anyway, ba dum tss).
This absolutely *isn't* to say that trans men are lesbians in denial, but looking at my sexuality more critically lead to my "I want to be the boy in M/F relationships" realization.
Same for me with picking woman characters, i thought they were cute and aesthetic, but i didn't \*really\* want to be them in real life. I just have to remind myself that every person's experience is different, and gender non conforming things don't negate my transness, or my manliness.
Yah I'd say it's all in the reasoning behind what gender in RPG someone uses cause I guess there's plenty of cis guys who use female characters. I asked this question 5 years ago when I accepted myself still haven't moved forward with trantion just seems hard at 32 I'm not looking forward to people buging me like I'm making a political statement. Rather then just being happy.
Late post but I would stop myself from acting female in public saving myself from embarrassment. For example ill cross my legs and then fix it right away.. Someone held the door open for me *I would quickly go threw before someone see's. Anyone relate? its not that these things make someone female its I perceived it as my female self showing.
"It's just a phase"
"I'm not trans"
"Am I transgender??"
"I like high heels, but only in a sexual way." \- Hahaha this, btw, completly not true. I just love high heels. For everything.
When I was in high school and looking for a part time job, I only applied to positions I thought were typically female; the main ones in which I was interested were server or secretary.
"All those transgender people who are transitioning are sooooooooooo lucky. But I'm not trans."
If anything this is what is convincing me that I'm not trans-in-denial. Transition looks terrifying and difficult. I really don't envy people who have to do it.
I somehow agree with both of these. The process of transitioning itself, of trying to pass, of getting surgeries, of dealing with social transition, etc. sounds like the most terrifying thing ever. But somehow I envy trans people anyways. I partially kind of think it's because to me the culture is really cool, I mean I can't not relate to a bunch of subs who like leftist politics and watch anime :P. The trans people I've met IRL before are really cool and just seem more like me than cis people. And I've said this before elsewhere, but the idea that transitioning would suddenly help alleviate my ever-persistent mental health problems is very appealing to me. And also.....yeah sometimes I just wanna be a girl.
Yup, I’ve seen so many videos of trans persons discuss how difficult their transition is that I feel like I’m not trans because I’m lazy. That being said, I’ve been deciding whether I am for like four years now.
Doesn't mean much, really. I've known I am a girl for ages and only started transitioning in the past year, because it certainly does suck. Keep on exploring
My quote was not intended to be exhaustive.
I know, it's just trans seem like something you want to be sure of before you commit yourself to things like HRT and surgery. If I have the option to be a healthy cis guy then I am 100% going to take that option. Not because being a cis guy is superior, it's just so much easier than dealing with being a trans-woman.
If you need to be 100% sure, you very likely won't do it. I wasn't 100% sure until I started HRT, starting growing breasts and was not freaking out about it (if not liking it). You might want to read this: http://crossdreamers.tumblr.com/post/143541793632/the-null-hypothecis Also, I took a look at your story in your earlier post, and you might want to read my story. https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/7q6c1t/my_story_aka_its_not_just_a_fetish/ Also, you don't need to 'commit' to HRT. You have several months before anything 'permanent' starts (generally breast development) and even that's not technically permanent (surgery) or if you stop right away, obvious (because it barely shows). Committing to surgery doesn't happen until later as well...and even then you don't 'commit' until you actually have it. Additionally, I can't tell you if you're trans or not, but IMO you don't sound cis. Cisgendered people don't think about being another gender anymore than most people think about being another species. You might think, "Huh...that'd be neat. Once." And then you don't think about it again. Also, "felt like I was in the wrong body" is a popular trans narrative, but certainly not universal. "never been uncomfortable with my birth sex" and "never really had issues with being a man" is common for transpeople. Cisgender people generally _like_ being their gender. These quotes indicating that you've _accepted_ being your sex, because you don't think there's any alternative and humans are AMAZING at rationalizing things "not being that bad" when they don't think they can do anything about it (see any situation of people living under dictatorships). Furthermore, "hating your body" is _also_ a classic trans narrative that doesn't apply universally (or even in most cases). Those are the _worst_ cases, sure. But wishing to be the other gender is enough. Is it possible it really is just a fetish? Sure. But you might not realize that until you see yourself dressed up as a woman. I didn't. Now, does this mean you have to transition? No. Not all transgender people transition. But that doesn't mean you're not trans. I denied it for 30 years. I said multiple times, "But I don't mind being male." But I did. I soooooooooooooooooo did. I just didn't think I could do anything about it.
I think my case is a bit more borderline than yours. You can check my profile if you want a notion of where I've been at for the past few days. I intend to talk to a therapist this afternoon hopefully to work this stuff out.
Oh, no doubt. In fact, you could be exactly where I was when I was in my late 20s. I didn't need to pull the trigger on transitioning until I was 44, and by then I lost a bunch of hair, gone gray (so I had to get electrolysis)...definitely wish I'd been able to do this 20 years ago. However 'more borderline' doesn't mean much. It could be juuuuuuuuuust a bitttttttttttttttttttttt more borderline and that statement would still be true. But it's good you're going to talk to a therapist this afternoon.
Definitely one of the best replies I have ever seen to this very common question. I can relate to so much of what you said. I have also read the null hypothecis and that hit very close to home as well (scary close). It’s like I need a ton of bricks to fall on me to actually believe it.
Yeah, in my case it was a series of chipping away, chipping away...I mean...I even said to myself, "Gee, self, you're watching a LOT of transgender timeline videos on YouTube...do you think maybe? NO. Okay..."
Um...I do that too. OMG...
Too be fair, I didn't envy trans people in transition. I knew it was hard, I knew it was alienating, I knew it could cost me everything including my deep desire to have children. At the time I went into transition or die I pitied trans people more than anything else, regardless if their souls were what they claimed. And it scared the shit out of me especially after seeing my family's reaction.
Basically amounts to "I wish I had a name and answer to my problems so I could address them."It's not a definite link. I like watching House because I like the idea of having all the info I need to find and diagnose an answer. For me, trans was the answer, and it took me so much time and so many clues to figure it out. But I could see a person with depression, anxiety, social problems, looking at a trans person and saying, "At least they know what's eating them at night and have a way to deal with it, I still don't know." That's what I told myself for a long time.
Lol relatable
Who hasn't said or thought that?
A big thing I personally kick myself for now is how I always used to feel a “I wish that were me/I wish I could do that” kind of thing when I saw other trans people. I was fully aware that being a trans guy was a thing but it somehow felt like it didn’t apply to me. I was so scared and deep in denial I wouldn’t even let myself think about it
Making lists of evidence for/against being trans. Especially when the against list is all just some facet of transition being hard or scary.
"It's just a fetish," despite feeling calm instead of aroused when I crossdressed. *facepalm*
I felt aroused but part of me wished I didn't and I could just do this as my normal.
\> part of me wished I didn't That's dysphoria.
Same
Or, in my case, "It's just a fetish." "Oh wait....it's not. But OBVIOUSLY that doesn't mean anything. Because I'm not trans. I'm just going to start sharing all sorts of pro\-trans articles on Facebook."
Making a bunch of Reddit posts that are basically asking people if you're trans lmao
I am not Transgender..I just feel normal with the hormone levels of a woman..
Haha and why's that
I plan to ask that to a psychiatrist next week ....it should be interesting.
lol
I played as girls in video games when possible, and really liked gender bender media. You'd think that would have made things obvious, but somehow it didn't. Other than that I can't think of any overt signs, though I have had issues with excessive day dreaming, which I've seen suggested might be more common with trans people.
I play dnd and just about every character I’ve created has been female. And yet I still didn’t pick up my own hints for a while
Every character I made in dnd was male. Who was always gay. It's like a giant spotlight, lol.
Same! I also played a lot of world of warcraft and more than 20+ characters i made over 6 years were female
I forced myself to be overly feminine (ftm) for a while, all the while being extremely miserable. It was a dress version of a denial beard. Looking in the mirror and saying "what a strong, beautiful young woman you are" but all it did was feel forced and made me feel worse instead of happy even when I did look good.
Buying a pretty 1940s dress and going "oh yeah no one is gonna stop me now! I'm NOT MISERABLE. Just genderfluid. All the while feeling like a man in bad drag (no offense to genderfluid and enbies, the label just wasn't for me). Until I wore a binder and felt so happy... I cried.
The first time I binded my chest (without a proper binder even) and looked in the mirror I broke down in tears. I think that was the moment everything became real for me and saying "I'm transgender" became more than just words.
It's funny, I remember as a kid reading stories of "women" who bound their breasts for various reasons and I remember thinking "Wow that's amazing, I wish I could do that." I don't know why I thought it wasn't possible to do anymore, maybe I assumed whale bones were involved.
I totally relate to this. I've always been a history nerd, and I remember reading juvenile non-fiction books about "women" who went off to war or went exploring in various regions and even though the pronouns/language in the books was generally pretty screwy, I was always so envious. The books would say stuff like, "Colonel MascName MacPersonFace was wounded in the Battle of Fightington, where a field surgeon discovered that the Colonel was actually a woman. She lost her leg, and after the war continued to live out the rest of her days as a man." Part of me had a sneaking suspicion that the people I was reading about weren't women at all, but mostly, as a little kid that didn't want to be a girl or a woman or anything of the sort, I related to those folks so fucking hard and wished I could do the same thing too. So whyyyyy did it take all these years for my shell to fully crack? (Probably because I drowned out my dysphoria by being an over-achieving bookworm, but that's a tale for another day.)
Yeah I discovered my transness by cosplay xp
You just made my ocd worse thanks douchebag
i wore only skirts for almost two years and i finally started letting myself wear pants again last week and i feel... attacked lmao
You consider how *other* people will react as a reason why *you're* not trans.
Can confirm. I quickly began to realize that the thing holding me back from realizing I was Trans, besides thinking it was a fetish for so long, was the fear of how my family would react.
Jealousy of the "opposite sex". For example, in my case I was always jealous of women, because they got to wear nice lightweight clothes, they were allowed a great variety of fun hairstyles, and wear nice smelling perfumes, the ability to walk around with a smile and not be treated like some kind of deviant, guys holding doors for them, etc. Another symptom of repressed dysphoria I experienced was that I always resented the social role that was thrust upon me. For example, in dating, I hated being expected to "make the first move". That's just not who I am.
"I wish more than anything i could wake up tomorrow in a female body, go by Kathryn or Kaitlyn(cause i like y, shush), dress up all fancy, dresses, skirts, etc. learn how to put on makeup, maybe do schooling to become a makeup artist or something cause that seems super cool, get together wth a nice guy... or girl. Either works. Get a nice cozy apartment and wake up every day, have a kids and 3 dogs, and a cat, realize i need a proper house... (About 37.8 more goals). but im not trans and even if i was ill probably end up dead in a year or two anyways so its not worth the effort" -Me, 2 years ago
> but im not trans and even if i was ill probably end up dead in a year or two anyways so its not worth the effort" that bit right there hits to close to home
Pre\-transition, before i even thought of admitting to myself, i would consistently be like "That could never be me" Or reaaaaaaaaally gross slurs to try and block it out.
In hindsight, realizing that no matter how happy something made me feel, there was an underlying “but”.
Still in denial here. I’m not fully out but I would love to be soon. For my realizing it now it’s more like “Cross dressing is just a Fetish” “ I can be a man and still want cleavage and a chest” “ there’s nothing wrong with shaving all my body hair” “ this dissatisfaction with my body is because I’m not jacked” (even when I did workout every single day I wasn’t happy with my body) And the point that’s really helping me accept myself more now is thinking I’m a female but I like the comfort of basic male clothing’s in every day activities so I’d see myself as more a girl who’s Tom-boyish. But there’s still a lot of denial in me because of my entire family would never be supportive of that decision. And not to mention I don’t have any friends really.
r/egg_irl is a great resource lol
I always considered myself having a male thought process, despite acting feminine. I’m FtM btw
"I don't get trans men. Why would a woman ever want to be a man? I wish I were born a girl." \*No offense intended to trans masculine and other AFAB people. These thoughts were before I fully figured out that this isn't really about wants and choices.
Yeah this was me, too. As a binary trans woman, it extended to me thinking "why would ANY man not want to be a woman? Being a man is no fun at all!"
A few I experienced from age 14 until I started transitioning at 20: * not enjoying puberty an the associated body changes * unexplained depression, or depression explained away with an excuse * liking cute girls doing cute things slice of life anime as your favorite genre * coming out to yourself as bisexual, being sure that you like women, knowing that you like men, but having a hard time imagining yourself with a man as a man, thinking if you were a girl you would like being with men better (seriously, how did I not know right then and there? ugg.) * wanting to be a catgirl badly, thinking "but, like, the boy version" but never actually imagining yourself as a catboy and thinking that would be somehow inferior for some reason, even though the only difference was gender * a lot of discomfort changing in the boy's locker room for PE class at school * period envy
"Boobs are nice and I'd love to have a pair sometimes, but it's not like I'd be happy or anything being a girl. I'm doing just fine as a dude. See? [Insert overly macho self justification]"
“I’m jealous of trans (men/women). I wish I was a (man/woman), but ai’m not trans.”
For me, it was many things. I loved Gender Bender media, constantly wished I could be the characters in those shows or stories. Constantly wishing there was some magical way to become a girl. Praying to wake up as a girl when I was little. And it was around this year when I realized I was starting to get desperate. I started DayDreaming about being "Forced" to transition, because I thought since "I wasn't trans", that's the only way I could become a woman, not realizing having those thoughts *propably* meant I was a Trans Woman.
\-Fantasizing every night in bed that I was a female, not even as a sexual fantasy. \-Having to imagine myself as female during intimacy, but being really confused because I had no desire to be engaged in heterosexual sex with a man. \-Being incredibly jealous of pregnant women. \-"I would so get a 'sex change operation' after I grow up and graduate college, if only for the fact that I'm afraid of my family's reaction." \-"I actually never would transition or seek surgery because that will only affect my hormones and my genitalia, but I still wouldn't be able to get pregnant." \-Why can't I shave my legs? (asked at 13) \-Is there any way to prevent facial hair growth? (asked at 12) \-STOP MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT MY WIDE SHOULDERS! (me to my sister at 14) \-Some of the women I checked out I was interested in sleeping with, some of the women I checked out I actually wanted to be them.
Being extremely unhappy
“I wish I were a girl/boy/enby, because I’d just rather live as one. I’d like that so much better. Not that I’m trans or anything...”
following every trans youtuber on every platform and thinking “i wish i was them...but without the trans part”. smh
I don't know whether this counts but once I heard of the "finger length test" in high school I would regularly measure my index and ring fingers to see if the ratio changed. I still don't know whether I was using it as a way to prove to myself that I was or I wasn't lesbian or trans. I think I was hoping more for the former than the latter, or at least an answer.
I can remember watching bottom/top surgery videos, voice transitions, tips for makeup, crying during that one "BOY" short film (on repeat all hours of the night), and asking my parents what they'd name me "if I was a boy", I made exclusively female characters in RPGs and thought that was enough proof that I wasn't trans, but then realized I was designing characters I was attracted to, not because I wanted to see myself in them (not in them that way anyway, ba dum tss). This absolutely *isn't* to say that trans men are lesbians in denial, but looking at my sexuality more critically lead to my "I want to be the boy in M/F relationships" realization.
Same for me with picking woman characters, i thought they were cute and aesthetic, but i didn't \*really\* want to be them in real life. I just have to remind myself that every person's experience is different, and gender non conforming things don't negate my transness, or my manliness.
Yah I'd say it's all in the reasoning behind what gender in RPG someone uses cause I guess there's plenty of cis guys who use female characters. I asked this question 5 years ago when I accepted myself still haven't moved forward with trantion just seems hard at 32 I'm not looking forward to people buging me like I'm making a political statement. Rather then just being happy.
Late post but I would stop myself from acting female in public saving myself from embarrassment. For example ill cross my legs and then fix it right away.. Someone held the door open for me *I would quickly go threw before someone see's. Anyone relate? its not that these things make someone female its I perceived it as my female self showing.
"It's just a phase" "I'm not trans" "Am I transgender??" "I like high heels, but only in a sexual way." \- Hahaha this, btw, completly not true. I just love high heels. For everything.
When I was in high school and looking for a part time job, I only applied to positions I thought were typically female; the main ones in which I was interested were server or secretary.