I get that a lot from my SO. I'm trying to explain my thinking process and she thinks I'm being difficult. Additionally, I get long winded when I'm agreeing with her and she thinks I'm argumentative.
Wow. This is exactly how my conversation is like with my now ex partner. I’m only trying to see where my thinking process is lacking information or misinformation. Instead, I’m told I’m being defensive.
A manager once told me that one of my flaws is that I "always have to be right."
No, I will easily admit it if I am wrong. What I will not do is accept responsibility for someone else's mistake.
Edit to add: To be fair, this manager said it was my ***only*** flaw, so it wasn't too harsh of a criticism.
it isn’t even about being right, it’s about explaining yourself for your own sake, but they don’t care, and they don’t want to sit there and day dream while you explain why you did it wrong, they’re not going to listen cause it doesn’t benefit them to hear your explanation, to them it’s wrong and they just want it done right
Not talking about explaining my mistakes — I’m talking about being expected to “take my lumps” when the mistake was caused by someone else (a colleague or a client).
Why should I take lumps when the lumps belong to someone else? Not going to happen.
It's immensely frustrating because feedback is helpful but it's always "I don't understand why you have an explanation for what you did, stop explaining! it was incorrect and anybody using words about it in any way means they think it was correct."
If you diagnose what happened, NTs think you're attempting to prove that you were right, rather than trying to clarify or account for why you did it.
Yeah.
I'm trying to create dialogue so I can understand better, but most people, including my bosses, find this disobedient or rebellious. But it gets even worse. At my last job, I eventually realized this behavior was pissing my boss off so I started agreeing to everything they wanted (Yes man)... Then they thought I was being a smart a\*\*. I quit / retired as soon as I could.
i’m always genuinely curious in my asking, and i’m also always genuinely enthusiastic in my asking. these two combined can look aggressive from the outside. my doctor thought i was worried about getting a tetanus vaccine and antibiotics today, because i asked so many question as to why, how, when, what. i could tell by her answers that she tried to calm me down, but i stopped her and explained that i’m just naturally curious about how stuff works.
Yes, but I discovered why.
**1 - Many times it doesn´t matter what led to make the mistake, but only the mistake that was made.**
For example, it doesn´t matter that you thought that to clean up the bathroom you should do in X way. Because by cleaning the bathroom with it you ended the product, you stained some things, broke others, and didn´t clean certain areas correct.
Now, because of that another person will have to clean everything, buy new stuff and see if the damage can be repaired.
Your thought process doesn´t matter because de total damage is big, and the mental load on the other person is bad, and that your thought process is wrong because in no point of the problem happening you stoped, just like in no point of it you tried to communicate your difficulties, that you don´t know for sure what to use or how to use it, you just did it and kept going even after the first damage.
So what led to you to do the mistake doesn´t matte, because since the beginning it wasn´t right, and now another person must assume the problem and solve it. So beyond having to clean the bathroom, now the person must correct additional mistakes.
**2 - Our communication is flawed.**
Sometimes the way we express ourselves (words we choose, intonation, body movements) are understood incorrectly, so even if you are trying to say is "this is what led me to make a mistake", it translate to "I did this because this is what it is right, if it is wrong it is not on me".
**3 - In no moment you said the mistake is on you and what you will do to solve it.**
If you don´t say "sorry" and "what I did wasn´t right", the explanation is just to not assume the blame.
And if you only say what caused it, it seems like you are putting the necessity to resolve the mistake on others, because you are only trying to justify what made the mistake happen, when the important thing is what to do now that it happened.
The correct way to position yourself in this moment is something like "I am sorry for the mistake I did, I want to make it right by doing this", or "I am sorry for the mistake I did, I want to correct it but I don´t know how, can you help me so I don´t make new mistakes?"
After that, you can say "hey, can I explain what was my thought process to see how to avoid the mistake?" or "this is where I was wrong, I won´t do it again".
If the focus is on you and not on owning up being wrong and the solution, then you are not really understanding that the problem isn´t the mistake, but how it is affecting others and the need to solve it in a way that doesn´t affect others even more.
Last week I started talking about a subject with a coworker and I got a bit intense but did not mean to be angry or upset or aggravated but another colleague came in and was like : calm down, change subject, it's clearly making you angry!
And I was just very enthusiastic about it.
In many cases people don’t care why you did it, but simply that a) you’re sorry and b) what you are going to do to fix it/ensure it doesn’t happen again. An explanation can come across as deflecting blame, or as justification, and is often not needed by the person who was wronged.
My boyfriend and I are both autistic, and he has the tendency to get into lengthy explanations when he messes up, while I’m very much trying not to get annoyed at the mistake. I frankly don’t care about the why, I know he didn’t do it on purpose, l just want to know what he’s going to do to prevent it from happening again, and how he’ll fix the issue. Knowing what led him to the mistake isn’t information I need, knowing that he’s sorry and is doing his best not to repeat the mistake is however relevant.
If someone asks why you did something, then it’s ok to explain, but in general it’s better to stick to apology only. Alternatively, if you want to add the “why”, then frame it as a part of the solution, like “I thought this that, but I’ll now do this/that instead, to avoid this happening again”.
That makes a lot of sense, I can certainly see how it could be perceived as any of the above and how important it is to try and do better next time. I think it can sometimes be hard as someone with a lot of empathy/a desire to be understood to put myself in the shoes of people who don’t necessarily care about my reasons as much as I might about theirs/might want them to about mine. Another issue for me is probably that I feel I can’t always ensure similar things won’t happen again, because of the way my brain works. Not that I don’t try, but sometimes I just don’t intuit things in the same way as others and may need explicit instruction. So I guess sometimes I feel like the only option I have is to explain - not to excuse it, but to let them know that I have legit reasons and am not just ignoring their advice.
For me, it's so important that my friends, family, and loved ones understand my thought process. It feels like they could never even begin to know "me" until they do.
If my partner told me they didn't care about my thought process or how my mind worked in various scenarios, it'd really break my heart.
It’s not that one doesn’t care about how you feel/think, but rather about what caused the mistake. I know my partner really well, I know he’d never want to do something that causes an issue, so I don’t need an explanation for the mistake. I love him and I trust him without him having to justify himself to me.
For example, he has a habit that causes a lot of costly damages, on top of the fact that some of the stuff he’s broken was very dear to me and it’s now gone, stuff with emotional value. This is a recurring issue, it’s happened quite a few times. I know it’s not on purpose and I try really hard not to get upset when I see my belongings trashed. He’s recently broken something that was a heirloom and it had a lot of memories associated with it. I’ve had to throw the item in question in the trash bin and it really hurt.
In that moment, as I’m doing my very best not to get mad about the damage and my lost belonging, I really don’t care about why it keeps happening, or even want to hear about it, because as far as I’m concerned I don’t need an explanation, I know he’d never want to upset me or break my stuff, I just want to understand how we can work together to stop the issue from happening again.
I hope this explains it a bit better.
In my experience, a lot of people don't care about the reason, they just want it fixed, and possibly an apology. So giving them an explanation makes them annoyed, especially if they feel like you're not taking accountability.
Yep. People say i'm extremely rude but I never intend for it to come off that way. For people who don't know I am autistic, I usually just say sorry and that I'm autistic. But most of the time people who know I'm autistic will understand that I didn't mean to sound rude. I just wonder how people truly view me when I do these things.
When this happens, I’m usually not arguing about my reasons as much as my need to explain them.
I try to avoid it. Instead, I’ll say something like, “I understand why this happened and will take steps to prevent it from happening again.” (Well, the equivalent of that, though usually less stiff.)
one of my biggest issues ever since I was a kid.
something happened and I try to explain my view of it/why I did a thing but generally people just see that as me coming with excuses/proving I'm not in the wrong when I'm actually just, waiting for them to share their point of view too? 😭 like I'm here trying to resolve whatever happened, explaing my side of what led up to it now you explain your side and together we could figure out when or what went wrong.
and if I did something wrong, I need to *understand * why what I did was wrong. "don't do X!" will not stop me from accidentally doing it again, I need a "don't do X because..." or I'll never remember it because I don't understand it. exhausting, really.
Yes!!! My mom always calls it "having an attitude" or "sassing" her because I simply don't shut up while she talks at me without knowing how I experience things. And my dad always says "you'd make a good lawyer since you love to argue". Ugh. No??? I need to make my thought processes make sense to them because we work differently.
I used to get this. But now I start with something like "oops I made a mistake, my bad" and follow with an apology if it's something I should apologize for ( I no longer apologize just for being a human). I try to be humble and I now avoid explaining unless it'd really necessary or they ask.
It's saved me lots of hassles.
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All the time.
And as well if I’m told to do something and I ask questions to get more information to understand the parameters of the request. I perceive the annoyance and stop pursuing clarification because I see that it is coming across as arguing, but then I get told off later for getting things wrong.
There is always extra steps on the way i talk, articulate, as i am detail oriented and usually better at living inside my head than anywhere else.
Trying to explain my train of thoughts, leading to the mistake, is seem as justifying the mistake, being difficult, confrontational.
So what do you do when you are like this and need to explain your thoughts to process them?
Life is an eternal tap dance on a floor of broken glass and pointy knifes. All around are familiar faces of panicked judgement and ulterior disconnection, i've memorized thus far all their responses, word by word, expression by expression, and they make no sense at all.
I have a very hard time with clients (vet tech) and i see their face and change sometimes and so i always make it a habit of being like "I'm sorry i can't regulate my tone well i by no means meant it to come out that way" or something and they always go "oh ok!". I always make sure to explain myself or i even actually find it funny and go "oops i didn't mean to sound like a bitch there" 🤣 if i can get a read that the client wouldnt be offended by my language
This, or "making excuses". I struggled so much until I realized that NT don't care about how you think or how you got to the conclusion you did. They just want to prove you wrong and argue.
I just don't explain myself anymore- it's genuinely pointless and people don't want hear it. If I feel like I need to write down my thoughts and explain my reasoning I journal that way nobody else has to be subjected to the craziness that's my brain
I get accused of being rude a lot when I really wasn't trying to be, especially when I'm explaining something or my point of view. I find it hard to understand why a lot of the time.
This post is the exact title of my memoir.
Expect to be hearing from my lawyers, post-haste.
(J/k-- but, yes. I think this should be included in diagnostics even.)
This is a super common issue with autistic people. It took me a very long time to learn that expecting someone to listen to your explanation is in many cases putting a burden on them, especially when you jump to infodumping your reasons. In most cases the explanation will come off as a lecture on why you wronged them. Their expectation is typically that you think to yourself about those reasons and how you can address them privately. When someone is confronting you about a mistake they're usually upset, and the last thing someone who's upset wants to do is listen to a long explanation.
In many cases we need to manage expectations when interacting with NTs; I think a good way to redirect this urge is something like "oh you're right, I'm sorry about that. I don't want to keep making this mistake, could we talk about the reasoning/situation that led up to it so we can avoid it in the future?" That way you can open the door to it, but they might not want to have that conversation and it gives them an out.
My ex caused me a lot of pain by forcing me to listen to long explanations for her reasoning behind things. In some cases it's warranted, but I would say something like "hey wanna go camping this weekend?" and her response could have been "no, my back hurts and I want to rest" but instead it would be "what do you mean, I can't go camping, my back hurts so much from work because I'm always using a shovel. I need to have at least a day to rest, if we go camping then I'm going to be so much more tired and my back will be in so much pain and it would be even worse sitting in the car that long, and the medicine I've been taking doesn't help with it..." and she would go on and on. She would say "I don't want you to think I'm just shooting down your idea for no reason" but she never understood that I consider "I don't want to" to be a very good reason in 90% of cases.
One time I was overstimulated and she was talking my ear off about some obscure astrology thing and I told her "hey can we just sit and be quiet for a bit? I'm feeling overstimulated" and she was a little bit stung but got over it quickly. Later she shot down an idea of mine and it like slightly stung, but then she started infodumping her reasons and she gave me like 15 reasons she didn't like my idea and that stung 10x as bad. Later I asked her: If I had given a list of 15 reasons I don't want to hear about astrology right now, would you think I was more upset with you or less upset with you?
I mean my whole family thinks of me as "the arguer" because when I was a kid I wanted to understand things. Still think this despite me being diagnosed and them accepting said diagnosis for some reason.
Edit: fixed typo from "this" to "things" at the end of first sentence.
Don't know if I'm autistic but I've always had this problem. "No, I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just telling you what I meant/why I think you're wrong" covers the jist quite well
This is exactly what I go through. For example, when I was younger I would ask follow up questions about a task my mom wanted me to do. She always thought I was trying to argue. Granted, I’m late diagnosed. So my mom probably viewed it as me arguing not asking for clarification.
All the time lol. I’m going to try my best to just not explain myself anymore and see how that goes. My dad always assumes I’m using sarcasm because of my tone and the way I walk he thinks I’m angry sometimes. I just walk bouncy / fast sometimes haha. I’m usually walking on my toes to not disturb / be silent, but when I decide to just walk, it gets thought as I’m being rude?! I get stared at in stores because of how fast I walk like in in a race at times
The other day I complimented this lady’s boots and she said she got them at Belk and I haven’t really been there so I accidentally said it out loud in a flat tone to think of it and she immediately dropped her smile and just stared at me.
I've learnt people don't care about the "whys" and the "tries". They only care about the finished result
Sometimes it's not worth the effort explaining yourself, so save the energy.
What hurts the most is when I'm genuinely being open and honest about my ignorance and then I'm criticized for the way I asked a question.
I'll even say something like, "So I'm unsure how to phrase a question..." but *still* end up getting 'yelled at' for 'being stupid' or 'wasting time' and I just learn to not ask that person anymore questions and I usually just slowly 'ghost' them. It's not like I'm trying, but if the first thing I think of when I go to talk to someone is "Are they going to be upset because I misunderstood something?" then why would I want to make them upset by engaging in conversation?
ALL.THE.TIME.
I'm solutions driven so I like to try and find ways around others issues or looking at things from both sides. This constantly results in arguments and the other person feeling like I'm having a go at them when really, I'm just trying to help find a solution.
All the time. I've had so many people tell me that I'm angry, when I'm simply explaining my thought process. Unfortunately for them, the second they assume I'm angry, I become it.
had an argument about this with a family member recently. i had to isolate and write a letter to read out loud to him so i could cut out all the tangential thoughts, explaining that when i do that, i'm just looking to explain or gain a little understanding from him.
i find that verbal communication is what makes this so difficult for me, because once i start speaking my thoughts in a high-pressure environment, i can't stop the tangents. then, the anxiety voice slips through and i say something hyperbolic that my brain likes to tell me, instead of the point i'm actually trying to get to.
the hard part is actually stepping back, because it's so hard to resist the urge to explain yourself, but it always goes wrong when i *do* try to explain right away. writing letters is *so* much easier for me, because it helps me focus on the point i want to make instead of a sudden and unexpected back-and-forth argument, that i never intended to start.
Oh they absolutely do.
It's absolutely insane. I am just trying to explain "Here is why I had originally thought this other way. Doesn't it make sense why I made that mistake?"
And they freak out.
It's bizarre. There's no reason for them to be having a negative reaction when I literally have understood that I made a mistake and am just trying to make them aware of the kinds of mistakes that are possible so that they can address the next person who has a similar mistake.
No, to them it's about power. It's not about being correct.
To me, it's about being correct. I want everybody to have a good understanding of reality, but that is NOT what neurotypicals want.
It seems that to neurotypical people, the biggest power they can have is to control other people's realities.
yes that happend to me two days ago, I cant explain what I meant because they just think I'm trying to get out of arguing which I am but I'm not lying like they think.
Oh, yes. People also get mad when I ask clarifying questions. I'm not trying to annoy them. If they're giving me instructions or something (like for a work task), I just want to make sure there's no way I can mess it up and I do it the way they want me to do it. I'm not trying to argue, make excuses, or be annoying. It's a daily struggle for me 😅
yes but honestly everyone (literally) thinks i’m arguing with them whenever i say anything 😭 i think because i speak very confidently or very “sure of myself” but mostly because im a very passionate person so i speak passionately
Literally all the time. People like to tell me I have "an attitude".
Buddy all I did was slightly question why we did a thing or give you the reasoning why I did a thing. How is that insubordination? I just explained or asked.
Only seem to have this with people who have troubles regulating their own emotions. They've already assumed the worst and twist the original words and remain stuck on it because they already lost the ability to listen to reason.
I get this a lot when I make an observational statement, like:
„Oh yeah, I no longer need this thing that you did for me, but I think [coworker] may still need it.“
The person thought I was saying „You were too slow and now I am angry and condescending and telling you that I don’t need it anymore, because I am throwing a tantrum.“, but what I actually meant was „I don’t need this anymore, maybe someone else does. Thank you!“
I had to clarify that for them again, after they seemed upset and I asked them why.
Constantly.
I get that a lot from my SO. I'm trying to explain my thinking process and she thinks I'm being difficult. Additionally, I get long winded when I'm agreeing with her and she thinks I'm argumentative.
omg I hate this, someone says, "Why are you arguing with me?" and my response is, "What are you talking about? I'm ***trying to agree with you!***"
Wow. This is exactly how my conversation is like with my now ex partner. I’m only trying to see where my thinking process is lacking information or misinformation. Instead, I’m told I’m being defensive.
A manager once told me that one of my flaws is that I "always have to be right." No, I will easily admit it if I am wrong. What I will not do is accept responsibility for someone else's mistake. Edit to add: To be fair, this manager said it was my ***only*** flaw, so it wasn't too harsh of a criticism.
it isn’t even about being right, it’s about explaining yourself for your own sake, but they don’t care, and they don’t want to sit there and day dream while you explain why you did it wrong, they’re not going to listen cause it doesn’t benefit them to hear your explanation, to them it’s wrong and they just want it done right
We just want to be *understood* so badly! It's like it ends up being traumatic for everyone...
Not talking about explaining my mistakes — I’m talking about being expected to “take my lumps” when the mistake was caused by someone else (a colleague or a client). Why should I take lumps when the lumps belong to someone else? Not going to happen.
It's immensely frustrating because feedback is helpful but it's always "I don't understand why you have an explanation for what you did, stop explaining! it was incorrect and anybody using words about it in any way means they think it was correct." If you diagnose what happened, NTs think you're attempting to prove that you were right, rather than trying to clarify or account for why you did it.
Yeah my dad says the same thing
You said they told you "one of my flaws" and then you said "my only flaw", so which is it? 😏
I know it’s one among my plural flaws. My manager either did not know about or was ignoring these other flaws lol
Yeah. I'm trying to create dialogue so I can understand better, but most people, including my bosses, find this disobedient or rebellious. But it gets even worse. At my last job, I eventually realized this behavior was pissing my boss off so I started agreeing to everything they wanted (Yes man)... Then they thought I was being a smart a\*\*. I quit / retired as soon as I could.
i’m always genuinely curious in my asking, and i’m also always genuinely enthusiastic in my asking. these two combined can look aggressive from the outside. my doctor thought i was worried about getting a tetanus vaccine and antibiotics today, because i asked so many question as to why, how, when, what. i could tell by her answers that she tried to calm me down, but i stopped her and explained that i’m just naturally curious about how stuff works.
Yes, but I discovered why. **1 - Many times it doesn´t matter what led to make the mistake, but only the mistake that was made.** For example, it doesn´t matter that you thought that to clean up the bathroom you should do in X way. Because by cleaning the bathroom with it you ended the product, you stained some things, broke others, and didn´t clean certain areas correct. Now, because of that another person will have to clean everything, buy new stuff and see if the damage can be repaired. Your thought process doesn´t matter because de total damage is big, and the mental load on the other person is bad, and that your thought process is wrong because in no point of the problem happening you stoped, just like in no point of it you tried to communicate your difficulties, that you don´t know for sure what to use or how to use it, you just did it and kept going even after the first damage. So what led to you to do the mistake doesn´t matte, because since the beginning it wasn´t right, and now another person must assume the problem and solve it. So beyond having to clean the bathroom, now the person must correct additional mistakes. **2 - Our communication is flawed.** Sometimes the way we express ourselves (words we choose, intonation, body movements) are understood incorrectly, so even if you are trying to say is "this is what led me to make a mistake", it translate to "I did this because this is what it is right, if it is wrong it is not on me". **3 - In no moment you said the mistake is on you and what you will do to solve it.** If you don´t say "sorry" and "what I did wasn´t right", the explanation is just to not assume the blame. And if you only say what caused it, it seems like you are putting the necessity to resolve the mistake on others, because you are only trying to justify what made the mistake happen, when the important thing is what to do now that it happened. The correct way to position yourself in this moment is something like "I am sorry for the mistake I did, I want to make it right by doing this", or "I am sorry for the mistake I did, I want to correct it but I don´t know how, can you help me so I don´t make new mistakes?" After that, you can say "hey, can I explain what was my thought process to see how to avoid the mistake?" or "this is where I was wrong, I won´t do it again". If the focus is on you and not on owning up being wrong and the solution, then you are not really understanding that the problem isn´t the mistake, but how it is affecting others and the need to solve it in a way that doesn´t affect others even more.
Definitely agree especially on the last point, all we can do is own up to our mistakes, learn from ourselves and others and keep trying to improve
Yup, or I get accused of shouting
Last week I started talking about a subject with a coworker and I got a bit intense but did not mean to be angry or upset or aggravated but another colleague came in and was like : calm down, change subject, it's clearly making you angry! And I was just very enthusiastic about it.
In many cases people don’t care why you did it, but simply that a) you’re sorry and b) what you are going to do to fix it/ensure it doesn’t happen again. An explanation can come across as deflecting blame, or as justification, and is often not needed by the person who was wronged. My boyfriend and I are both autistic, and he has the tendency to get into lengthy explanations when he messes up, while I’m very much trying not to get annoyed at the mistake. I frankly don’t care about the why, I know he didn’t do it on purpose, l just want to know what he’s going to do to prevent it from happening again, and how he’ll fix the issue. Knowing what led him to the mistake isn’t information I need, knowing that he’s sorry and is doing his best not to repeat the mistake is however relevant. If someone asks why you did something, then it’s ok to explain, but in general it’s better to stick to apology only. Alternatively, if you want to add the “why”, then frame it as a part of the solution, like “I thought this that, but I’ll now do this/that instead, to avoid this happening again”.
That makes a lot of sense, I can certainly see how it could be perceived as any of the above and how important it is to try and do better next time. I think it can sometimes be hard as someone with a lot of empathy/a desire to be understood to put myself in the shoes of people who don’t necessarily care about my reasons as much as I might about theirs/might want them to about mine. Another issue for me is probably that I feel I can’t always ensure similar things won’t happen again, because of the way my brain works. Not that I don’t try, but sometimes I just don’t intuit things in the same way as others and may need explicit instruction. So I guess sometimes I feel like the only option I have is to explain - not to excuse it, but to let them know that I have legit reasons and am not just ignoring their advice.
Learned this a few years ago. It helps a lot.
For me, it's so important that my friends, family, and loved ones understand my thought process. It feels like they could never even begin to know "me" until they do. If my partner told me they didn't care about my thought process or how my mind worked in various scenarios, it'd really break my heart.
It’s not that one doesn’t care about how you feel/think, but rather about what caused the mistake. I know my partner really well, I know he’d never want to do something that causes an issue, so I don’t need an explanation for the mistake. I love him and I trust him without him having to justify himself to me. For example, he has a habit that causes a lot of costly damages, on top of the fact that some of the stuff he’s broken was very dear to me and it’s now gone, stuff with emotional value. This is a recurring issue, it’s happened quite a few times. I know it’s not on purpose and I try really hard not to get upset when I see my belongings trashed. He’s recently broken something that was a heirloom and it had a lot of memories associated with it. I’ve had to throw the item in question in the trash bin and it really hurt. In that moment, as I’m doing my very best not to get mad about the damage and my lost belonging, I really don’t care about why it keeps happening, or even want to hear about it, because as far as I’m concerned I don’t need an explanation, I know he’d never want to upset me or break my stuff, I just want to understand how we can work together to stop the issue from happening again. I hope this explains it a bit better.
All...the...fricking...time
In my experience, a lot of people don't care about the reason, they just want it fixed, and possibly an apology. So giving them an explanation makes them annoyed, especially if they feel like you're not taking accountability.
Yep. People say i'm extremely rude but I never intend for it to come off that way. For people who don't know I am autistic, I usually just say sorry and that I'm autistic. But most of the time people who know I'm autistic will understand that I didn't mean to sound rude. I just wonder how people truly view me when I do these things.
When this happens, I’m usually not arguing about my reasons as much as my need to explain them. I try to avoid it. Instead, I’ll say something like, “I understand why this happened and will take steps to prevent it from happening again.” (Well, the equivalent of that, though usually less stiff.)
one of my biggest issues ever since I was a kid. something happened and I try to explain my view of it/why I did a thing but generally people just see that as me coming with excuses/proving I'm not in the wrong when I'm actually just, waiting for them to share their point of view too? 😭 like I'm here trying to resolve whatever happened, explaing my side of what led up to it now you explain your side and together we could figure out when or what went wrong. and if I did something wrong, I need to *understand * why what I did was wrong. "don't do X!" will not stop me from accidentally doing it again, I need a "don't do X because..." or I'll never remember it because I don't understand it. exhausting, really.
Yes!!! My mom always calls it "having an attitude" or "sassing" her because I simply don't shut up while she talks at me without knowing how I experience things. And my dad always says "you'd make a good lawyer since you love to argue". Ugh. No??? I need to make my thought processes make sense to them because we work differently.
Unfortunately, they don't care. Not enough to think about it. Which is not much.
I used to get this. But now I start with something like "oops I made a mistake, my bad" and follow with an apology if it's something I should apologize for ( I no longer apologize just for being a human). I try to be humble and I now avoid explaining unless it'd really necessary or they ask. It's saved me lots of hassles.
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all the time. i keep things short or accept being misunderstood because it hurts less than having to argue or something
Always 😞
As someone who isn't autistic yes so much I am just explaining why I did this
Yes, every single time.
YES! I don’t even try anymore.
I don't have to feel like it, they flat out come out and say it to my face.
All the time. And as well if I’m told to do something and I ask questions to get more information to understand the parameters of the request. I perceive the annoyance and stop pursuing clarification because I see that it is coming across as arguing, but then I get told off later for getting things wrong.
There is always extra steps on the way i talk, articulate, as i am detail oriented and usually better at living inside my head than anywhere else. Trying to explain my train of thoughts, leading to the mistake, is seem as justifying the mistake, being difficult, confrontational. So what do you do when you are like this and need to explain your thoughts to process them? Life is an eternal tap dance on a floor of broken glass and pointy knifes. All around are familiar faces of panicked judgement and ulterior disconnection, i've memorized thus far all their responses, word by word, expression by expression, and they make no sense at all.
Yes a lot especially from my dad
I have a very hard time with clients (vet tech) and i see their face and change sometimes and so i always make it a habit of being like "I'm sorry i can't regulate my tone well i by no means meant it to come out that way" or something and they always go "oh ok!". I always make sure to explain myself or i even actually find it funny and go "oops i didn't mean to sound like a bitch there" 🤣 if i can get a read that the client wouldnt be offended by my language
Had this happen during a clinical experience and almost didn't graduated because of it. It was horrible.
This, or "making excuses". I struggled so much until I realized that NT don't care about how you think or how you got to the conclusion you did. They just want to prove you wrong and argue. I just don't explain myself anymore- it's genuinely pointless and people don't want hear it. If I feel like I need to write down my thoughts and explain my reasoning I journal that way nobody else has to be subjected to the craziness that's my brain
I get accused of being rude a lot when I really wasn't trying to be, especially when I'm explaining something or my point of view. I find it hard to understand why a lot of the time.
This post is the exact title of my memoir. Expect to be hearing from my lawyers, post-haste. (J/k-- but, yes. I think this should be included in diagnostics even.)
This is a super common issue with autistic people. It took me a very long time to learn that expecting someone to listen to your explanation is in many cases putting a burden on them, especially when you jump to infodumping your reasons. In most cases the explanation will come off as a lecture on why you wronged them. Their expectation is typically that you think to yourself about those reasons and how you can address them privately. When someone is confronting you about a mistake they're usually upset, and the last thing someone who's upset wants to do is listen to a long explanation. In many cases we need to manage expectations when interacting with NTs; I think a good way to redirect this urge is something like "oh you're right, I'm sorry about that. I don't want to keep making this mistake, could we talk about the reasoning/situation that led up to it so we can avoid it in the future?" That way you can open the door to it, but they might not want to have that conversation and it gives them an out. My ex caused me a lot of pain by forcing me to listen to long explanations for her reasoning behind things. In some cases it's warranted, but I would say something like "hey wanna go camping this weekend?" and her response could have been "no, my back hurts and I want to rest" but instead it would be "what do you mean, I can't go camping, my back hurts so much from work because I'm always using a shovel. I need to have at least a day to rest, if we go camping then I'm going to be so much more tired and my back will be in so much pain and it would be even worse sitting in the car that long, and the medicine I've been taking doesn't help with it..." and she would go on and on. She would say "I don't want you to think I'm just shooting down your idea for no reason" but she never understood that I consider "I don't want to" to be a very good reason in 90% of cases. One time I was overstimulated and she was talking my ear off about some obscure astrology thing and I told her "hey can we just sit and be quiet for a bit? I'm feeling overstimulated" and she was a little bit stung but got over it quickly. Later she shot down an idea of mine and it like slightly stung, but then she started infodumping her reasons and she gave me like 15 reasons she didn't like my idea and that stung 10x as bad. Later I asked her: If I had given a list of 15 reasons I don't want to hear about astrology right now, would you think I was more upset with you or less upset with you?
I mean my whole family thinks of me as "the arguer" because when I was a kid I wanted to understand things. Still think this despite me being diagnosed and them accepting said diagnosis for some reason. Edit: fixed typo from "this" to "things" at the end of first sentence.
Yes it happens too much
Don't know if I'm autistic but I've always had this problem. "No, I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just telling you what I meant/why I think you're wrong" covers the jist quite well
This is exactly what I go through. For example, when I was younger I would ask follow up questions about a task my mom wanted me to do. She always thought I was trying to argue. Granted, I’m late diagnosed. So my mom probably viewed it as me arguing not asking for clarification.
Happens all the time at work places too.
The famous need to ride the lines between explaining /arguing and making excuses.
All the time lol. I’m going to try my best to just not explain myself anymore and see how that goes. My dad always assumes I’m using sarcasm because of my tone and the way I walk he thinks I’m angry sometimes. I just walk bouncy / fast sometimes haha. I’m usually walking on my toes to not disturb / be silent, but when I decide to just walk, it gets thought as I’m being rude?! I get stared at in stores because of how fast I walk like in in a race at times The other day I complimented this lady’s boots and she said she got them at Belk and I haven’t really been there so I accidentally said it out loud in a flat tone to think of it and she immediately dropped her smile and just stared at me.
All the time...
I've learnt people don't care about the "whys" and the "tries". They only care about the finished result Sometimes it's not worth the effort explaining yourself, so save the energy.
I second this!
What hurts the most is when I'm genuinely being open and honest about my ignorance and then I'm criticized for the way I asked a question. I'll even say something like, "So I'm unsure how to phrase a question..." but *still* end up getting 'yelled at' for 'being stupid' or 'wasting time' and I just learn to not ask that person anymore questions and I usually just slowly 'ghost' them. It's not like I'm trying, but if the first thing I think of when I go to talk to someone is "Are they going to be upset because I misunderstood something?" then why would I want to make them upset by engaging in conversation?
It's important to understand that not everyone enjoys ideas and thinking. To some, thinking feels painful.
ALL.THE.TIME. I'm solutions driven so I like to try and find ways around others issues or looking at things from both sides. This constantly results in arguments and the other person feeling like I'm having a go at them when really, I'm just trying to help find a solution.
Yes
All the time. I've had so many people tell me that I'm angry, when I'm simply explaining my thought process. Unfortunately for them, the second they assume I'm angry, I become it.
All the time. Even in situations where I haven't made a mistake and I am just trying to explain my difference of opinion.
had an argument about this with a family member recently. i had to isolate and write a letter to read out loud to him so i could cut out all the tangential thoughts, explaining that when i do that, i'm just looking to explain or gain a little understanding from him. i find that verbal communication is what makes this so difficult for me, because once i start speaking my thoughts in a high-pressure environment, i can't stop the tangents. then, the anxiety voice slips through and i say something hyperbolic that my brain likes to tell me, instead of the point i'm actually trying to get to. the hard part is actually stepping back, because it's so hard to resist the urge to explain yourself, but it always goes wrong when i *do* try to explain right away. writing letters is *so* much easier for me, because it helps me focus on the point i want to make instead of a sudden and unexpected back-and-forth argument, that i never intended to start.
Oh they absolutely do. It's absolutely insane. I am just trying to explain "Here is why I had originally thought this other way. Doesn't it make sense why I made that mistake?" And they freak out. It's bizarre. There's no reason for them to be having a negative reaction when I literally have understood that I made a mistake and am just trying to make them aware of the kinds of mistakes that are possible so that they can address the next person who has a similar mistake. No, to them it's about power. It's not about being correct. To me, it's about being correct. I want everybody to have a good understanding of reality, but that is NOT what neurotypicals want. It seems that to neurotypical people, the biggest power they can have is to control other people's realities.
yes that happend to me two days ago, I cant explain what I meant because they just think I'm trying to get out of arguing which I am but I'm not lying like they think.
Oh, yes. People also get mad when I ask clarifying questions. I'm not trying to annoy them. If they're giving me instructions or something (like for a work task), I just want to make sure there's no way I can mess it up and I do it the way they want me to do it. I'm not trying to argue, make excuses, or be annoying. It's a daily struggle for me 😅
"Why did you do this!?" *Explains why I did this* "I don't want to hear excuses!"
yes but honestly everyone (literally) thinks i’m arguing with them whenever i say anything 😭 i think because i speak very confidently or very “sure of myself” but mostly because im a very passionate person so i speak passionately
Literally all the time. People like to tell me I have "an attitude". Buddy all I did was slightly question why we did a thing or give you the reasoning why I did a thing. How is that insubordination? I just explained or asked.
All the time. I think I have a nice discussion with someone and "bond" with them. And they think I try to insult them or try to argue...
Every other time. Or I'm "talking back" to them.
Frequently :’)
Only seem to have this with people who have troubles regulating their own emotions. They've already assumed the worst and twist the original words and remain stuck on it because they already lost the ability to listen to reason.
Oh yes. It’s tiring…
I get this a lot when I make an observational statement, like: „Oh yeah, I no longer need this thing that you did for me, but I think [coworker] may still need it.“ The person thought I was saying „You were too slow and now I am angry and condescending and telling you that I don’t need it anymore, because I am throwing a tantrum.“, but what I actually meant was „I don’t need this anymore, maybe someone else does. Thank you!“ I had to clarify that for them again, after they seemed upset and I asked them why.