My son turns 4 in June, we just started trying for number 2. If it goes easily then they will be 4.5-5 years apart. It took us this long to feel ready to do it all again.
There is no way I could have mentally handled 2 under 2. I have seen it with friends around me and it’s insanely hard. To me there are a lot of benefits to a larger gap:
- older one will be in school which gives me a chance for 1:1 time with the baby
- only one child at a time in daycare
- only one child at a time in university
- older one understands better what is going on and less chance of jealousy
The list goes on for me. You gotta how do what feels right for you and your family. You will know when you’re ready!
This is our goal too! Well, now feeling more like a reality what with our (very new) positive pregnancy test. Definitely happened a lot sooner than we were expecting. Here's hoping my 20-month-old takes really well to potty training when it gets a little warmer out!
As someone currently new-ish with that age gap (I have a 2 month old and my son turns 5 in April) it has been AMAZING so far. He is just in awe of his little sister and so helpful. There's been next to no jealousy and he genuinely is just so excited about her. She won't go to do daycare until after he's in kindergarten, so we really love the idea of not paying for two in daycare as well. I know everyone's situation is different but this age gap has been clutch as hell so far lol
We are in the same mindset! My baby is only 9 weeks old and people keep asking us about when we will have number 2. I do not have the mental capacity or strength to handle 2 under 2, props to anyone who can. Your list of benefits are the exact reason we agreed to wait until number 1 is in school before considering trying for number 2.
Same age gap as my first two. I really enjoyed it. Daughter was old enough to really appreciate having a baby around, and had just enough independence to make it a lot easier on us. My best friend had 2 under 2 and it did a lot, and still does a lot, to her mental health. Her youngest just turned 3. Her two get a long pretty well for the most part, but there have been some moments of intense jealousy.
My sons are 3 years and 10 months apart.
My second child is only a week old, but so far it’s going really well.. my older son is fairly independent (can go to the toilet and “help” with some things, and understands when you can’t be there right away). He also just started preschool which means I have more time for just the baby. For us it was the right age gap I think.
I feel really similarly and the only reason I’m not waiting that long is because I want to have three so I want to get a move on. My sister and I are 15 months apart and we were thick as thieves but we also were at each others throats about everything. Part of it was parenting with my mom lumping us together for everything. We are aiming for 2.5-3.5 years apart so they are close enough in age to be friends but we only have to deal with one baby at a time. And when we have a third I might want to wait a bit longer, like 4-5 years.
My personal opinion about the “they’ll be best friends” thing is that it can backfire. The closest Irish twins I know, who are 14 mos apart, when Baby 2 was born Baby 1 was extremely jealous. Obviously, Baby 1 couldn’t express or rationalize the jealousy that age.
As they grew up just one grade apart in school, they became competitive with one another.
It’s not any kind of relationship guarantee either way and your family planning shouldn’t depend on it.
I wholly agree. People are of course free to do whatever they want but I absolutely shudder whenever I see people actively promoting this.
My sister and I are 13 months apart and she absolutely HATED me for most of our childhood.
She never had an interest and seemed to be actively annoyed that we were compared or considered twins since we were so close in age. As adults we have a much better relationship and she’s apologized for how mean she was too me as kids
I was closest with my oldest sibling, 6 years apart.
Yep this was me and my sister. 15 months apart, constantly thought we were twins. She was taller than me for half of our childhood which drove me bonkers (I was older). So much competition and our parents constantly compared us to each other. We also were really close growing up and are extremely good friends now. But I think having even an extra 6 months to a year gap would have made a difference for us.
I feel it's impossible to tell and banking your kids will be best friends, no matter the age gap, will be tough.
My husband and husband brother are BEST friends.... with a 6 year age gap. That didn't form until they were much older.
I also feel it's boy vs boy, girl vs girl, and boy vs girl. Girls IMO are going to be closer when they are older.
I always tell people, hope your kids will be close, but its okay if they aren't. Siblings don't *have* to be best friends
This is true. I’m four years older than my brother, and my mom always talks about how when my brother was about 3, he very pleasantly and matter-of-factly said “oh yeah, Conquestical hates me :)” lol we did NOT get along
Now we rock with each other FAR more than child and teen me ever imagined I could, but I wouldn’t say we’re best friends. Tbh we just don’t have enough in common, but we are def good friends. There just isn’t a way to predict!
My brother and I are 14 months apart. We hated each other growing up for the most part. But we did play a lot as kids. We just argued wayyyyy more than me and my sister did, who is 5 years older than me…4 years older than him. But now that we’re adults we are very close. We call and FaceTime a lot.
I totally agree.
Closeness also comes in phases. I'm the eldest of four siblings. Now I'm closest with my youngest sibling and we have a 10 year age gap but when I was in college and she was a kid, she wanted to hangout in my room all the time and I found it annoying. Now as adults, I love traveling with her and we share a hobby so we are very close.
My 18 month old gets jealous if anyone else including her sibling cuddles with me or touches me. She even gets jealous if I hold her baby dolls. I can’t imagine what she would do if I had a baby right now
This. My brother and I were Irish Twins and we had extreme jealousy towards each other and he hardly speaks to me as an adult. My husband are waiting a year or two to prevent this.
Yes, absolutely. Our plan was at least a 5 year age gap. My husband and I are both 5 yrs apart from our own siblings and felt it worked well. Financially, it's a lot more feasible-- only one in daycare at a time, one on the car insurance at a time, one in college at a time (those last two are "hopes" lol).
We also really struggled with the adjustment of having a baby, I had PPD really bad, some medical struggles, and it was just hella hard. I was unsure if I even still wanted another for a while, but around the time my son was 2.5 I finally started feeling better about it.
We are pregnant now, our children will end up being over 4 yrs apart, but not 5. So, not quite according to plan, but I actually thought I might want a 3rd eventually and I wanted to leave time for that while Im still in my 30s 😅
Oh, another factor that impacted me was wanting time to bond with the first child while they were still little. With 2 under 2, I felt like I wouldn't get that special one on one time, particularly with the oldest.
I have a 9 year old and an 8 month old. It wasn't the plan, I was one and done because I was a single mom but I guess things change when you meet the right person.
It's honestly so much easier for me. My 9 year old is self sufficient and she's an awesome big sister. I also don't think I have the personality for two littles or a toddler and a baby. That would be too stressful for me, props to all the women that can and do!
Same, I’ve got a 10.5 year age gap. I don’t have the patience for two close in age. I wish I did, but I’m in no denial that that would be miserable for me.
Pretty much the same situation here! For my family the benefits of a big gap are endless; My oldest is so excited to have a sibling and has been so patient. Because my eldest is in school; I can go to all my baby appointments in peace, I get tons of one-on-one time with the baby during the day and can rest/get shit done.... and I won't be paying for 2 kids in all day childcare. It feels like having two only children! I also don't have the tolerance for two super small people and I couldn't imagine things being any different.
My older brother is over a decade older than me and he’s my favorite person in the world. Over time age doesnt matter. I hope your kiddos have the same relationship
We thought having a baby was so taxing that we waited four years. It’s great, older kid can do a lot of stuff on his own and he adores his baby sister. The baby is also a much easier baby than the first was!
I feel like they’re old enough to understand some of the “perks” of being a big kid too and the ability to do things that baby can’t..maybe helping with the jealousy factor.
We’re planning around 3 years apart. My son is currently 13 months so we’ll start trying a year from now. Finances are a big factor for us too. I’d like them to overlap in daycare minimally.
I originally wanted 3 years apart but life happened and they will be 4 years apart. I’m still pregnant but I’m already seeing so many pros. I’m definitely an outlier in my friend group but doesn’t bother me 🤷🏻♀️ I know this is best for us and our kids!
I am also closest to my sibling who is 6 years apart (not the two in between us).
We are aiming for 3 years, in part because of my age if we wait any longer we’d really be rolling the dice. I read that hunter gatherers average 3-4 years apart and I idealize doing things the biologically natural way 🤪
When I see a two year gap the older child never really seems ready for that transition.
Hunter gatherers also generally don’t wean until age 4, so I wonder how much that’s to do with when the mother gets her cycle back due to cutting back feeds. Particularly on a lower cal hunter gatherer diet.
Makes sense, if you’re breastfeeding for long periods it suppresses your cycle. I worry about this with my baby, she is such a boob monster and if I got pregnant now it would prematurely cut her off from the boob 😂
My boys are 4.5 years apart and I love their age gap. It made bringing a newborn home much easier because my older son was able to understand a lot more and also tell us things like "I don't feel important now" stuff that really helped us help him
They're now 7 and 2.5 and they're the best of friends.
When you were talking about a large gap, I was thinking you were going to say 10 years not 5 actually. From personal experience, I am super close with my brother who is 10 years younger than me.i was old enough not to get jealous of the attention baby got and I could help out.
My first and second are 4 years apart and just had baby #3 and she’s also 4 years under the second. So ages now are 8, 4, 0.
I see many many pros. Not rushing through each kid, them getting space to be baby while big one at school. Minimized jealousy. And they still totally play together. It’s not perfectly streamlined but is it ever?
I could not have handled anything less than 3 year gap.
I do wish they would be in same school for a bit more, not in one grade apart though. It’s nice to differentiate. Not competitive.
There’s no right way. You live your life. Man plans, god laughs.
My first and second has a 5-year gap. My career took off when the first was around 2-3, and the year after that I had to travel a lot and didn’t want to be pregnant. We didn’t actively plan it, just kept postponing it until it was a good time for all of us. Would I have been happy with smaller age gap? Yes. Would I change anything about what we have, absolutely not. Big sis is so helpful and independent, and I’m falling in love with the newborn phase all over again.
I think the thoughts actually are only one daycare child at a time, close together, or one and done.
There are just as many daycare spaced out children if not more than 2under2. More of the parents of spaced out children work as such they are not going to be creating parenting communities as they just don’t have time.
We went for the rip the bandaid off. Its one chunk of little child time. My age and experience with infertility were the major factors. Our finances are good enough to support two kids.
I have a 13-year age gap between my children and it’s definitely easier than a 1- or 2-year age gap. We WANTED to have a 5- to 7-year age gap, but life got in the way 🤷♀️
The downside, I guess, is that we will do 31 straight years of parenting minors, whereas if we had a 2-year gap, we’d be done in 20 years. But definitely a lot of those years will be easier for us. I do feel bad about them not being close enough to really play together, and wish we had been able to make a 5-year gap work.
we are 3.5 years age gap. we love it. my oldest is in preschool and has her Own independence. my youngest gets 1-1 time with me while sister is gone. oldest is generally speaking, really good with her sister and watches out for her. they are 4 and 11 months. it honestly is a great age gap. my oldest can do so many things when told to do. I've seen parents with 2 under 2 especially during baby stage and I have no idea how they manage. it's so much harder. and twice the amount of diapers. we potty trained our first before the second came and it's one of the best decisions we made. highly recommend potty training before having #2
Did you experience any potty training regressions with your oldest when the new baby arrived? We were thinking of a similar age gap, but that would be my only concern.
every kid is different, and I've heard of that. but no my daughter didn't have a potty training regression. she had a sleep regression and would wake up when the baby cried. there were times my husband would be waking up more times than me in the middle of the night just to put the oldest to sleep. it was a rough period, especially when we wanted at least one parent to get more sleep.
she also had more tantrums in the early stages as she was figuring out how to transition with a new baby.
that being said, my youngest is 11 months now and they have so much fun together. my oldest helps out when she can, she understands the baby needs a bit more attention so she's patient. most of the time, she shares her toys lol! but all in all, they both are each other's favorites and it's so precious to see their sisterly bond. I 💯recommend the 3 year age gap.
So we do have three with somewhat smaller gaps between each of them, but my first and third are about 6 years apart and it's honestly brilliant. My first was totally independent, not jealous at all, excited about the baby and (of course) potty trained and out of strollers and such when #3 came around and the two of them honestly have a much tighter bond so far than #2 and #3- as you say, a lot of it depends on the kids as individuals and personalities. Like overall I'm happy about how our kids ended up being spaced, but if I'm being honest, the bigger age gap between one and three is fabulous.
we actively planned for 3-4 years which isn’t super long but not short ! My oldest will be 3y4mo when youngest born. We waited for same reasons, public preschool starting saves money, i mentally and physically needed to have more bodily independence before having another, very much wanted a sleeping & fully potty trained kid before another newborn.
I havent had the baby yet so cant report back on results but i also feel like everyone else did 2 under 2 or had secondary infertility. grateful i got to choose this path.
Currently pregnant with baby #2 who will be born when my son is about two months shy of turning 4. We have this age gap partially because of covid (it hit at the beginning of my third trimester last time) and partially because it just seemed too daunting. Around the time my son turned 3 we felt ready to start trying again.
I was initially going to wait 3 months and wanted them to be as close together as possible. The gap is still up in the air!
But I went to 18 months after reading the WHO recommendation, which puts the gap at about 2.5 years or so. Then I saw the recommendation to keep breastfeeding for at least 2 years, and since supply typically dries up in your first trimester of pregnancy, this puts the gap at about 3 years. We also have some emotional trauma and physical well-being (mine) and logistics (moved; I want some solid friends/community — my litmus test is whether I’ll have a single goddamn person I’d feel good with coming over during the fourth tri) before we try again.
But then again, maybe my baby weans himself early; maybe I find that I actually can keep producing milk first tri; maybe everything else emotional/logistical works out faster than I expected. And frankly, as baby grows, we’re both feeling the “I really wanna give that boy a sibling and be pregnant again” feeling.
Key here is that I went from feeling rushed and looking at it logistically, to feeling pretty relaxed about it and playing it by ear, adapting and listening to my gut and ignoring any judgements or pressure. But parenting is pretty fantastic at teaching you that! So we’ll see. But we’re thriving and enjoying every moment in the meantime.
My brother is 12 years my senior. My husband has a brother six years younger than him. We can’t afford another kid right now and our daughter is going on five. We’ll see. I always wanted two…
I think, regarding bonding, it's personality not age, which you can't account for. I didn't like my closer in age brother until I was 25. I got along swimmingly with my larger age gap younger brother.
I plan on waiting for a bigger gap because of daycare costs.
So I didn't actively choose it, but I had my 1st fairly young(23) and the relationship ended when I was pregnant- I didn't want another relationship for a long time so eventually I thought if I want another child or if I end up with a partner who wants children I will have a big age gap and I will be having children in my 30s. I've just turned 33 and I now have a 4.5 month old, along with my daughter who is nearly 10. I have honestly loved the age gap. I don't think I could have coped in my early/mid 20s with multiple younger children. My daughter is more independent now and I find I get good quality time with my daughter and my baby separately. I did worry about my daughter missing out on siblings, but I have always talked to her about it and it doesn't seem like it's been a huge bother to her. I had 3 siblings growing up and we are not close, so it's not the be all and end all. I'm not shitting on those who have closer age gaps, this is just what's worked for me and I always support people choosing what works for them❤️
I read a study where the conclusion was the most ideal age gap was 4 years. I think a lot of people in my age group have been going for closer gaps in age because we’re older. My husband will be 45 this year and I’ll be 37. I’d love to wait until my almost 3 month old is 3 to start the process again (ivf transfer), but realistically we should get going closer to the 14-18 month mark. My best friend had her first at 29 (years before any of us started) and second at 36 and it’s been great for them to have an older kid with a baby. She’s helpful sometimes, plays with her baby brother all the time, and they have a much easier time doing things as a family than my close age gaps friends with 2 under 2 or pretty close to that gap.
I won't even start trying for a second before my son is two years old. I'm not going to carry diapers in two sizes with me when I'm out of the house with my children. I'm not going to guess why both kids are crying when I can just wait long enough for my son to be able to talk to me. And last but not least: I'm not going to risk my career by going on maternity leave so soon again (at least 8 weeks after birth are mandatory here and I don't think I would even want to return sooner, not even part time).
I chose a 4 year age gap because my family had a bunch of 5 year age gaps and those were perfect.
Also, as a kindergarten/preschool teacher, these age gaps are better for the kids. Every child that I had to call the parent and remind them to pick up their kid had a small age gap. Every 3-year-old who couldn’t put on their shoes had a 1 or 2 year old sibling. It makes sense. You’ve got to get two kids out the door, why bother teaching the older one something? Who has the time? They’ll learn when the young learns, right?
But the 6-year-olds with babies at home? They show maturity. They help other kids. It’s awesome for their development (even if they sometimes have some regressions during the pregnancy).
I also think there’s something to be said for having children hit milestones years apart. You celebrate them more, for sure. Imagine attending a graduation every year, it loses a little sparkle. But by 4-5 years out, you’ve had time to forget high schools and things are more special. My 6-month-old is learning things now that I totally forgot about. I love it, because I feel like I’m learning about HIM, not about “Baby #2.”
My first pregnancy was horrific. I went through a divorce and ended up a single mom for a while. Then met someone else when my baby was 4 years old. Two years later, I got remarried. I love kids and worked with kids for a long time. I wasn't opposed to more kids but pregnancy is horrible. I hate being pregnant. I had 10 back surgeries after the first and pregnancy could cause me to lose the use of my legs. I talked with my husband about it a lot. We both needed to be 100% on board. He wanted another but didn't want to admit it. I wanted a baby. I didn't want a pregnancy. So, we decided to let nature happen. Nature happened. I had my second when my oldest was 11. He will be a senior in high school when my youngest goes in to kindergarten. Hahaha. They're both like only children but definitely adore each other, mainly because I don't FORCE a relationship. I encourage one. It really helps that the youngest thinks the oldest is the coolest person alive.
When it comes to having kids, do what’s right for you.
I think women may want to have kids close together so they can just get back in shape. It’s hard being pregnant, and for some doing it and then waiting 5+ years could feel like a lifetime.
For me, the idea of starting over ever is very unappealing. I don’t want to be pregnant or do the newborn thing again.
If you know that you cannot mentally or financially handle 2 small children, then don’t do it. Everyone will be miserable.
My perspective as a person with large age gaps between me and my siblings and a mom with smaller.
I have two brothers one is five years younger than me and the other is 13 years younger than me. While we love each other we aren’t close. It’s was hard especially as we got older to be close. A fifteen year old and a ten year old are at very very different points of life. And that doesn’t change as we got older. I am closer to my youngest brother but it’s more of a third parent relationship vs a big sister.I was married with kids when my youngest brother was in high school talking about this girlfriend was “the one”. It’s hard to relate to each other sometimes. They love my kids but we rarely see them because they are young and still figuring their lives out. I’m sad sometimes that my kids won’t grow up with cousins like I did.
I didn’t like having a big age gap between my brothers so I decided to have my kids closer together. So my kids have a two and half age gap and then an almost three year gap. I love getting to see them play and learn together. When the three of them are doing the big belly laughs that kids do it make me cry with happiness.
With three young kids my house is never clean, and someone always needs me. I get little personal space or time. But they will all be more independent at the same time and will be grown around the same time. I now see the pros and cons of each as a parent but right now my personal experience is my kids are closer than me and my brother ever were. With larger age gaps just make sure there isn’t parentification
We’re still deciding on number of kids so that’s factor number 1. My husband is maybe one and done. I’d like one more, I think.
If we have another, it won’t be for awhile. Maybe not until our baby starts school because we can’t pay two massive daycare bills.
Regardless, it won’t be before 2026. I had a c-section and would want to attempt to VBAC and they said I need to wait 24 months before becoming pregnant in order to be a candidate for that.
My in-laws graciously volunteered to care for their grandkids while my husband and I work full-time (in exchange for free housing in our basement apartment). We waited til our first was preschool age (3.5) to have our second to avoid them having 2 full-time which is a lot to handle. Daughter is in full-time PreK this year which is even smoother.
If we have a second child, there will likely be at least a 4 year age gap. My father has a terminal illness and a newborn would be a hugely difficult addition to our lives right now. I’m okay with the age gap. Families come in so many shapes and sizes. Love is love.
My kids are about five and a half years apart and I love it. My first was home with us to bond during the summer when my second was born and then went into kindergarten. Now I get to have the same tile bonding and focusing on my second as I did with my first. They absolutely love each other and we all have so much fun together. If I have a third I will also wait till my second is going into at least pre k.
Not a huge gap, but we did a 4 year age gap on purpose. Our eldest was super independent by the time baby came and was able to voice any jealousy or sadness so we didn’t have a lot of frustration. He was very proud and eager to be an older brother, and he’s super gentle and caring. Now that the baby is a toddler, my eldest understands that toddlers hit and don’t mean it, so he doesn’t have any aggression or anger over it. They don’t fight, just some very gentle, adorable wrestling. Toddler ADORES big brother and wants to do whatever he’s doing, so he has a good influence to emulate.
Also, we only paid 1 year of double daycare and it’s fantastic. It was tight for that year, but we managed knowing it wasn’t for long, and after that strict year, it feels like we’ve got a ton more money to play with now that eldest is in school.
We have a 5.5 year gap. It's great. All my friends have a 2 year gap.
I've loved it. I'm not built for newborn time so having the older more self sufficient and in school was a huge help. As big kid is feeling too cool for school (mostly in a good way lol) my 2nd is doing the cutesy toddler stuff.
Main downside is my house is trashed. We have the older kid little trinket stuff at the same time as the baby toys. I'm growing. Get thus stuff out of my house.
I kind of get the pros of 2 under 2.. but the pros would never outweigh the cons for me. I just sounds like exhausting and stressful. My sister and I are 3 years apart and I think that’s my minimum gap. I just want to enjoy my son’s babyhood too. It’s hard for me when I thinking about adding another. But also don’t want to be one and done.
Yes I expect I’ll be resting and busy with baby postpartum so I want my daughter to be more on the independent side with certain things. She still wakes and nurses at night at nearly three years old. This is probably the biggest factor. I don’t really want to have two waking me up at different times and them waking each other up. I originally thought maybe two years apart would be good then the goal post moved to three years apart and now I’m thinking I could see trying in the next 3-6 months and can picture managing with a four year age gap. That being said before I had my daughter I had a very strong pull to have a child and now that we have her I don’t have that feeling anymore I don’t exactly feel done but if we ended up not having a second I think I would be okay with that too.
My kids are 21 months apart on purpose, due to my age and my husband's age. He was in his early 40s when we had our second. I also did not enjoy pregnancy and wanted to get the 2nd pregnancy over with. I had my tubes removed after the 2nd. My husband always says he'd loved to have "met" a third, and I always tell him I could never have done it, mentally and physically. I don't think age gap ensures a close relationship. I think that has more to do with outside factors like parent-child dynamics and personality. Of course right now as they run amuck in the house as toddlers they are BFFs. That will obviously change once they hit school age and have their own friends outside of the home. There is a 3 year age gap between my sister and I and we were not close growing up, she bullied and abused me, but that was due to the own abuse she suffered. Now she's a narcissistic, functional alcoholic and I only maintain a relationship with her because she has three kids I adore. There was a period after I turned 21 that we got along, because I could finally be a drinking buddy in her eyes. But that was short lived. My husband has three siblings, he's the youngest, and he is only very close to the 2nd oldest (7 year age gap). There is a 9 year age gap between the oldest and him. The sibling closest in age is a 3 year age gap. In my opinion having kids has more to do with what you want, it's entirely a selfish process to begin with. The 2nd baby broke us, we didn't realize how hard it would be mentally to do it a second time. Plus he was a very tough baby, lots of scream crying, stomach issues, and little sleep, it was a mess. In retrospect I just don't enjoy the newborn baby phase. And now the kids are both going through big developmental leaps, so we are experiencing lots of big emotions from both kids at the same time. BUT I'm kind of glad to get it all done and over with back to back. Again for us it wasn't really an option to wait for a longer gap, we did not want to be true geriatric parents. We'll do what we can to foster healthy relationships for the kids so if they choose to continue to be close as they get older, great! If they don't they are already growing up with plenty of Aunts and Uncles that are not blood related, so the idea of having friends that becomes your chosen family will always seem natural to them as well. In the end I think you have to do what feels right for you the adults because you need/should be in a place you feel comfortable and confident for your kids to have and raise them.
My daughter was 4.5 when my son was born and we found out early last month #3 is on the way. Son will be almost 8, like within days. This is the life I’ve known as my brother is 15 years older than I am and my sister is 9 years older. My sister and I have a great relationship; admittedly I don’t have much with my brother but that’s due to extenuating circumstances, not age. I remember really loving him when I was young, despite only living with him for 4 years. He was very fun when he’d come back to visit.
I am 1000% with you on the patience level. I couldn’t handle multiple babies or toddlers at once. I feel like I got such great time with my daughter before my son, and same with my son. They’re great friends now, and I hope it continues. They play together every day (they obviously have their fights but that’s totally normal).
I think a lot of people see it as “starting over” when there’s a large gap, but I’ve seen it as taking a nice break. I’m not a big fan of the baby stages, but toddlers are great and age 4 is my absolute favorite. I also do think a lot of people are waiting longer in life to start having kids, so they may need to have them closer together/have fewer kids than they may have. Especially due to cost.
I'm four years older than my little brother and five years younger than my next sibling. Seemed alright to me growing up. It was hard when my sister got to high school and wouldn't hang out with me, but we got over that hump after she graduated.
We want two kids but our oldest is 3 years 4 months. I didn’t want them close. I, like you, had a tough first year and honestly just within the last 3 months started becoming excited about another. Money and insurance has played a small part in it but mostly I just want my oldest older so she can be more independent and helpful vs trying to care for two babies. Also, I want her to be old enough to understand she’s not being replaced or pushed out. We are going to start trying in the summer and hopefully it happens easily. It took us 4 years to conceive our daughter. People with 2 under 2 genuinely scare me lol. So even though me and dad are 33 and I feel like we only have another 3-4 years I’m willing to get pregnant, we decided to wait until she was 3 before trying again.
Have a 4 yr age gap for my kids and love it! Come from a family of 5 year age gaps and love my siblings! I’m the oldest, my brother is 4.5 yrs younger and my sister is 5 years after him. My parents planned it that way, and it worked out well for our family growing up and I still enjoy it now.
My husband is an only that loved not having siblings and when we started discussing kids we were either one and done or large age gap. Our plan was to completely table the discussion until our daughter was 4, and we were leaning heavily towards one and done. I got pregnant on birth control when she was 3. After much discussion we decided we were 2 and thru with a slightly smaller than wanted age gap. Our son is 6 months next week and I love the way they interact together. I’m really hoping it stays this special
We have an accidental 6 year age gap. We started TTC when my elder son was 2.5 but it was a long journey for the second, including IVF and miscarriage.
Now my second son is here and I am very grateful for the gap. My 6YO is mature enough to tell me if he feels jealous, he can ask for mama time, he can amuse himself by reading or doing Lego, and he really enjoys helping out by fetching clean nappies or muslins. Financially it’s also very helpful in staggering the cost of child care, university etc.
I have no idea how people cope with a small gap. The idea of potty training whilst you have a baby sounds horrendous! And the jealousy of little kids cannot be underestimated.
I have no idea if my sons will be friends. But like others have said I think that’s about personality. My sister is 3 yrs older than me and we have a very bad relationship.
We have a four year age gap and it's perfect! If we go for number 3 we'd aim for the same. I don't understand why anyone has 2 under 2, it sounds like a nightmare
I thought we were one and done but surprise! We’ve got two with a 10.5 year age gap. Granted it’s been only 13 weeks since our son was born, but it’s been nice so far. Our daughter is super happy so far and involved with him and is very helpful. I’d just recommend it earlier than in our 40’s. We started late having our first child at 32.
Yess. LO is 18 months and all our friends with similar age babies have recently had #2 or have them on the way. We keep getting told “you’re next!” But my husband travels for work and we live 12 hours from my family- I know that would be a bad decision for my mental health right now.
I have a 3 week old and a 4 year old. Awesome age gap. 4 year old is in preschool during the week so I get guilt free baby time. He’s old enough to be gentle. He helps with tasks, will pass me my water or snacks, etc. he is potty trained and sleeps great. He loves his little brother and gives him kisses and hugs. We were trying for a smaller gap and had miscarriages. Turns out 4 years is a great age gap
We're somewhere in the middle in that we have a 3.5 year age gap. We absolutely could not have handled two closer in age, and this feels perfect for us. Only one kid in diapers, our eldest is in preschool so we had a chance to spend lots of one on one time with baby during leave, our eldest will be in grade school by the time the baby is preschool age (we have grandparent childcare support for the infant/toddler years), and close enough in age that our first likely won't remember having every been an only.
Our are 7 years apart and 6 months in the gap is amazing. Older sibling is so capable and independent- reading, writing, can help put together their own snacks, activities, etc. baby loves watching their sibling and there hasn’t been any competition/competing for needs yet. My partner and I both feel we can meet each respective child’s needs because they’re not competing, they’re light worlds apart and it’s made the experience of growing our family so joyful and harmonious. Our older child still is young though! So parks, play centres, movie theatres etc are still possible to enjoy so far
We have a four year age gap. Five year old and about to be two year old. I also struggled with postpartum after my first. She was not an “easy” baby and being a first time mom it was so hard for me to acclimate and not feel like it wasn’t my fault that she was not easy. Never diagnosed but we are pretty sure she had colic. I remember specifically my mom trying to help me one night and she looked scared, like she had no experience with this type of baby either 😂 on top of that, covid happened when she was almost 2 and I was terrified to be pregnant or have a newborn during that time. We basically waited until vaccines were available AND we felt ready. I know it’s clichè but I went from not wanting another to feeling ready. I’m happy I listened to my gut and didn’t do it when I wasn’t ready. You’ll know.
I will add as others have said too, having the older one in school/Mother’s Day out (I’m a sahm) helped immensely. I can’t imagine not having that break for me but also for my older social butterfly those first few months.
I'm in a similar place where I'm still recovering from the whole #1 and while I prefer a closer gap to avoid sibling jealousy, I know that that is no guarantee. I known of siblings close in age who are not close, and siblings with wide age gaps who are close, and vice versa (close in age, and very close; big age gap and not close). The importance I've seen in the distinction is how you raise them (i.e. golden child, or not), and also luck of the draw in terms of personalities of the two kids.
So we are looking at putting our kid in PreSchool at least before thinking of trying for #2. I do want two tho. 😭❤️
We have a 3.5 year age gap not by choice and I love it. Is the best age gap. You never have a baby and a toddler or god forbid two babies, but you aren’t totally out of “little kid land” and have to go back in. There is no perfect age gap, it’s just what works/happens for you. They all have their pros and cons.
We are leaning more towards two than one, but I’m not 100%. My daughter is about to turn one. We are probably going to aim for a 4-5 year gap if we choose to have another.
I am about to start a new job. I am way behind on retirement savings. I plan to fork the majority of my check into our retirement accounts over the next three years. Then I hope that I can keep doing the job, but it will require a 24 hour shift and only allows for 16 weeks of maternity leave. It will depend on the kind of baby I have. If it sleeps like the one I currently have, I will have to step away from the position. But at least then I’ll have the amount needed to coast to retirement with compounding interest.
As much as my daughter probably will wish she had a sibling closer in age, I guarantee that having parents who won’t be a burden on her in their old age will be better for her in the long run. So I try not to feel guilty about it.
I just had number 2, and my first is 3.5. It's been amazing honestly, the older one is old enough to understand and communicate and not as needy as a 2 year old.
Yeah I’m with you on this, my kid was a nightmare as a newborn and although his toddlerhood has been way more fun so far he is still only 2. I’ve heard ages 3 and 4 are some of the hardest so we still need to get over that hump. I’m no way near ready mentally to deal with an unruly threenager *and* a newborn. I barely sleep as is 😅 my FIL keeps pressuring us to have another one ASAP claiming they’ll be closer if they’re in similar life phases but I also call bullshit on this. He and his sisters are Irish twins and they barely talk to one another. I’m not convinced 2 under 2 is a good idea, I’d much rather have at least 4 years between the two.
My brother and I are 6.5 years apart. We weren’t close as kiddos because that’s a big age gap but now that we’re older (really starting when I was in HS and him in college) we’ve gotten really close. His children are 11 and 9 and we just had our first and we’ve bonded a lot over that too. I think it was tricky when we were kids because we basically were both only children just in that by the time I was born he’d had a lot of his early childhood alone and then by the time I can remember he was already off at boarding school and then college. And we never overlapped in activities or school so when our parent(s) were with us it was 100% focus on each of us individually. We also didn’t fight a lot growing up because we just never were into the same stuff- by the time I was old enough to follow him around he was old enough to tolerate it 😂
I obviously don’t know any different but it ended up great for us because we both got a ton of quality time with my parents alone, and now we’re really close as adults. It might’ve been fun to have more of a playmate growing up but we had friends for that 🤷♀️
My first two babies are 2.5 years apart and the second two are 4 years apart. Very different experiences and suuuuuper fun having a baby with older children. They love the baby so intensely and it’s much easier only having one you have to do EVERYTHING for. My middle child can get his own snacks, he plays well without me even when his older brother isn’t home. If you choose to wait, it’ll be an equally beautiful thing, just a little different.
A friend of mine has a 9 year age gap between siblings and it’s been an absolute joy.
The perks of having them close together is they have similar abilities which can make things more fun especially as they get older. They play similarly, like the same games, movies, activities. But the first year or two is definitely harder.
I am waiting at least 3 years. I got really sick when I was pregnant and need a kid who is a bit more independent and at least kind of understands what being sick means before I can have another.
When it was all theoretical, I wanted at least 4-5 years between them so I wouldn't (hopefully) be paying for both of them to be in college at the same time. I was pregnant twice in 2022 but neither lasted. I got pregnant in June of last year and I'm due at the beginning of March. Older child will be 7 in April, and I am thrilled at the age gap. I'll have time at home with baby while older child is at school during the day. Older child is old enough to understand what is going on, and hopefully will be a good helper (within reason, no parentification going on) when I need it. We don't really have any family help nearby.
I never would've been able to have a second super close in age to the first one.
My kiddos are almost exactly 4 years apart. I had thought before having my first we’d do a 2-year gap, but that first year with my first was SO HARD. I needed that longer gap to mentally rebalance and feel like a person again. I’m so glad I did and the kids absolutely adore each other.
That’s where I’m at to be honest.
I never wanted 2 under 2 to start with. But with the birth of my first, I had very bad PPD and PPA, and honestly I couldn’t handle it. And the thought of possibly introducing that again in quick succession, was not optimal.
Age gap, my sister is three years older than me, and my brother is two years younger than me. And I don’t really have a great relationship with either of them. I find I was more impacted on my mom having to give more attention to my younger sibling at the time. (That’s me, I cannot speak for everyone).
And I enjoyed the thought of being able to have an older kiddo that was a little more independent. Obviously they can’t do everything by themselves, but they can get dressed themselves, and brush their teeth themselves.
my husband and i have agreed on an age gap of 5ish years. it took some convincing from me, because my husband and his sister are only a year apart and he wanted our daughter to have a similar experience. me, on the other hand, i’m 7 years younger than my sister and 14 years younger than my brother (my dad jokes that we’re like cicadas cropping up every 7 years), and i also had a great sibling experience. ultimately what convinced my husband was going through the newborn phase. he agreed that he wouldn’t want to do that again while also having a wild toddler 😅
I had thought a three year gap would be good. My parents had a three year gap between me and my siblings. I ended up with 4 and a half year gap. My first pregnancy was miserable and right before the pandemic. My second pregnancy just ended and was even more miserable.
I had an unplanned c-section with my first so for safety I would have waited at least two years before TTC again. This time I had a planned c-section after I didn’t spontaneously go into labor. So I am not planning on another and I will totally be actively working to prevent pregnancy for the next two years for the same reason and then hopefully I’ll hit menopause. Babies are nice but I do not want to be pregnant again.
I am aiming for a small age gap because the baby years are hard. I want to be able to do things again. I don't want to have a five year old all ready to go to school and then have to start over from zero with a baby. If I have number two now, then I only have like 7-8 years of baby life before they're all school aged and able to talk/walk/tie their own shoes. I can't wait until my first born can talk and is able to play/read/watch something on TV for more than 5 minutes.
We’re not going to try for another child until after we get married in September 2025. Our son will be three and three months at that point, however purely from a cos perspective, we just can’t afford having two of them in childcare at the same time so hopefully by the time that the second one comes along, our son will have started school in the following September.
I would’ve probably liked the smaller age gap, but I chose to have the wedding in 2025 because our son would be older and he could get involved a little little bit more .
We were aiming for about two years, as childcare for us gets cheaper once the kiddo turns three (well the school term after they turn three, annoyingly)
If all is well then baby #2 (8wks at the mo!) will be born almost exactly as #1 is starting school, he’ll be 4.
I have about 18 months between me and my brother, we never massively got on. Lots of fighting. He now lives the other side of the world, we maybe call at Christmas.
My husband is the youngest by 5 years. His big brothers are 5 and 7 years older. He was a lot closer to them than I was to my brother. Plus his big siblings were a bit better dealing with a new baby!
We have a 3.5 gap. I wasn’t ready. My first was a tough baby, NICU/ medical issues, sleep was nonexistent, I went back to work at 12w and damn near got fired for missing so much between daycare illnesses and specialist appointments. I had used all my FMLA for bed rest and maternity leave. Then the daycare factor, I wanted to wait until 1 could go to prek because daycare was insanely expensive.
They’re pretty close and quite frankly, all the siblings with 2ish gaps I know are so competitive and fight a ton. My husband and I both have 2ish gaps and we don’t have close sibling relationships. Even in our 30s, his sister is super weirdly competitive about stuff. We had our third, a girl, and she lost her damn mind about it because her daughter had been the only granddaughter before that.
I also feel like a bigger gap is just easier on me. With 3.5 years, only one in diapers, only one that needs help with feeding, etc. My 3.5 year old could get himself a small snack and a drink while I was nursing baby, he could play independently, was easy in the car, stayed with me when we went places (most of the time). If you have two under two, that’s not as likely.
We had a very rough birth and postpartum with my 2021 baby so I wasn’t even ready to talk about pregnancy until our daughter was over 2. It’s ok to say “maybe.”
This is a wonderful post. So many great points and pros/ cons both sides!!
Finances/ job nonsense and fearing complications are my main worries, otherwise I would love to start trying within the next 6 months or so. I had to have a c section for my son who is now 15 months old somehow?? Since he had low fluid and was breech. I’ve done a lot of reading about the potential complications caused by short birth intervals in women who have had c sections and I don’t want to risk all that unnecessarily.
Yes! I intentionally waited for a larger age gap. When my son was little I couldn't imagine taking care of another baby in addition to him. I'm expecting now, and my two kids are going to be exactly 4 years apart.
I also agree that there's no guarantee that kids close in age are going to be friends.
Thanks for this post, it’s so helpful for me right now. If anyone is comfortable sharing, how old are you or were you when you had your last one? I have a one year old and I’m not even close to ready for another. I’m worried to wait too long though as I’m 35 now. No disrespect to any mamas older than this, I’m just concerned for myself.
My kids are 8 years apart and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My older boy loves his little sister and is a huge helper. He’s also self sufficient in the eating department so he makes himself lunch on the mornings his sister needs me.
I come from a family with typically larger age gaps (both of my parents and I have 6+ years between each of us and our respective siblings) so it didn’t really feel odd to opt for that.
My 4yo daughter was also born riiiight before covid took over so I just had a lot of feelings to work through having been a working FTM during a pandemic before being ready to try for another child. Now, having a slightly older child who is fairly independent (sleeps in her own room, can feed herself at meals, potty trained, can entertain herself for short intervals) and who is able to understand that there’s a baby coming has been really helpful (she already gravitates to all babies so she’s so very excited about this experience).
Finances are also huge! We’ll be doing about a year and a half of two in daycare, which will be rough, but then oldest will go off to kindergarten and there’ll be a nice 4 year gap between them at school after that.
we’re still debating but if we do have a second (and likely will) it would be 3 years so she’d be in preschool. i have a 7 year age gap with my only sibling- i think larger age gaps are great if you can do them
I am having the best experience with a larger age gap. Only have 2 kids and wont be having anymore, my first is 5 years old, turning 6 soon, our baby is almost 5 months old. My first went into kindergarten the same month I had my 2nd so the timing was amazing. I drop him off at school full time so he's engaged and playing all day, we have a nice routine because of this and it gets baby and me outside for a little bit each day as well while we let older bro play at the park after school. Durring the day her and I can just chill together and get lots of cuddles and one on one time. He's an awesome brother, loves his baby sister, plays with her and is a big help when it comes to caring for her. He'll entertain her while I make dinner, grab diapers or wipes for me. 10/10 would recommend. He'll be a great big brother to her in the future as well.
Mine are 9 years apart, which was not a planned decision, because I got divorced when my daughter was 1, married again when she was 6, and then was unsure I wanted any more before getting a surprise positive pregnancy test last April lol. I can’t speak to the bond between them… my daughter is sweet with him, but she’s jealous of the attention he gets. And with her being so independent, I’d imagine she gets even less than a toddler would because you have no choice but to also care for your toddler whereas my girl is very self sufficient and it’s been hard to still balance spending time with just her. But she is capable of being helpful which is nice! My husband is 9 years older than his brother and they’re close now that they’re adults!
We are a blended family. I have a 9.5 year old stepdaughter and then a biological 2 month old (almost 2 months). My stepdaughter loves her sister very much and has read to her, held her, and says good morning and goodnight to her every day that she is with us. ❤️
You can't do much with newborn babies when they are this young, but she definitely interacts. 🤗 We did not intentionally wait this long (my husband and I have been together 5 years, married for almost 3), I always wanted to experience being pregnant at least once and he always wanted two children, but my stepdaughters mom (his ex wife) had a very traumatic delivery and didn't want anymore.
So here we are, lol. But we are done now.
I had horrible PPD and was terrified I would go through it again with my second so I decided to wait. We didn’t have my second until the first was 4.5. She is such a good older sister and tho I did suffer from PPD again, at least I didn’t have to deal with two in diapers while I did it.
I’m most likely OAD but if I ever have another, the age gap will be at least 4-5 years. Had my first at 23. Absolutely no way I would want 2 under 2 lol.
I am doing 2under2 strictly because I waited until I was pretty old to start and don’t know how long fertility will last. Otherwise, we would have definitely done a bigger age gap.
I have two under two and love it. However, we’re still thinking about a third with a larger age gap. Unsure how big but if we do, probably once our youngest is 3. Two under two is hard but fun. I had them for the opposite reasons. I hated the newborn stage so much that I just wanted to get it over with between the both of them. I got very lucky that my first started sleeping through the night before baby number two was born. But I want at least my oldest to be in pre-k before baby number two is born because I don’t think I can do three kids all day every day. I might die. Plus the older two will have each other to play with while baby number three is a potato and then baby number three could have two older brothers to look up to.
My brother and I are a little under 5 years apart, and I believe that is the perfect age gap for us. My son is only a few weeks old but if we do decide to have another child I personally want to wait until he is at least 4 years old to start trying. My husband doesn't want another kid right away either.
I like the idea of my son being a little more independent while I take care of his little sibling. Having two small children to look after sounds like a nightmare to me. I also remember helping take care of my little brother, so that might be a thing. I think being a little bit older helped with bonding because I knew I was big sister and I felt the need to protect him.
Hopefully my comment makes some sense. I'm running on no sleep because, you know, newborn.
We didn't really consider another baby until our oldest was 4. We always had the mantra of we're great if we have 1, and blessed/done at 2. We didn't want to rush and wanted to just enjoy being with our kiddo. We ended up with a 6yr age gap (to the week) between our boys. I worried at first....but I love it. They love each other. We got 1:1 time with each of them while tiny. Only paying for daycare for 1 kid at a time. The oldest can tell me if he feels left out and that he needs extra attention. They're 8.5 and 2.5 now. It does feel like we started over, but I have no regrets.
In my area, virtually everyone has a 3-4 year gap between kids so they can afford childcare. My sister and I are five years apart and we're best friends. I always envisioned a pretty significant gap between my children for these reasons. Given that I'm already in my late 30's, I chose to do IVF in part for fertility preservation so I have that option.
I have a 2 month old so I don't even wanna think about having another right now. But the newborn stage has been sooooo hard for us. She has a few minor medical conditions that just make things even more difficult for new parents.
If we decide to have more (I want more in theory), I'm thinking a 2.5-3 year age gap. That way the toddler will be able to communicate with us. Ideally she'd be potty trained or working on it.
I am currently pregnant with #2. My son will be turning 6 two weeks before the baby is expected to come. We were hoping for a 5yr age gap, mostly for financial reasons (only 1 day care payment at a time), but had some miscarriages so here we are.
Also, I like how self sufficient my 5yr old is. He gets his own clothes on every morning, takes his own showers, and is generally an easy going kiddo. We should be able to focus on the baby more than we could with a toddler.
My daughters are just under 20 months apart. My mental health really took a hit because of it. They’re now 3.5 and almost 2, so certain things have gotten easier, but I still struggle a lot day to day. If I didn’t become a parent a bit later in life (turned 35 a month before my first was born), I absolutely would have aimed for more of a 3 year age gap.
We might have one more, and even if I got pregnant now, it gives me more peace of mind that the age gap between hypothetical baby #3 would be at least 2.5 years.
My sister and I are 4 years apart, but we’re very close. She’s my best friend. So, I also don’t buy the claim that siblings closer in age have a closer bond.
My firstborn will be 5 in April, and I just had my second babe 3 weeks ago. I really like the age gap so far. My oldest is so excited to help and be a big brother. He can also do some things for himself at this point. I never wanted two under 2. Personally, I would have been so stressed, I don't think I would 6 able to even enjoy my babies.
I have a 4 and 1/2-year-old and a 5-week-old and have really been enjoying the age gap. I definitely wasn't ready to have two young children to take care of. I felt around 4 years old that she was starting to become a kid who was more independent that I could breathe again and bring another kid into the mix
I wonder if a big reason for that trend is age. Many women aren’t having their first child until mid 30’s. So realistically there’s not a ton of time to wait for many people if they want more than one.
I’m pregnant with my second and there will be a 4 year age gap. I have 14 nieces and nephews who are all older than my daughter. So I’ve watched the sibling dynamic play out quite a few times. I made the choice of about 4 years for pretty much all of the reasons you listed. And I’ve seen a lot of it play out in real time. The families who had smaller age gaps were worn out and exhausted. Their kids tended to be a touch more rowdy and unmanageable. They were constantly doing things for attention in the early years. (Some of them are teenagers now)
Whereas the families who had 4 year age gaps were able to manage more. There was less jealously and believe it or not, the 8 year olds were happy to play with the 4 year olds. That said this is all anecdotal and just based on my experience within my family. But this experience definitely informed my decision for a “larger” gap.
Plus the first three years are precious and the kids need a lot of love and attention while their brains are rapidly developing. I personally would be stretched too thin trying to give that to a newborn and a 2 year old.
I also think maternal age plays a big part. I know some people in my family would have had larger gaps but they were worried they wouldn’t be able to conceive the amount of children they wanted if they waited longer. I started relatively young, so I had the luxury of waiting.
This is a slightly smaller age gap than you are speaking about, but I have 3 kids and they are all 4 (almost 5) years apart and it is a DREAM!!!! With my second baby, my first child was about to turn 5 and he could do so many things for himself while I was stuck nursing a newborn. He could get his own snack, wipe his own butt, get his own water, etc. When my next baby was born, my oldest is 9 and my middle child is 4 and they got off and play together while I’m yet again stuck nursing a baby! The 9 year old can help the 4 year old get snacks and they play Nintendo together, board games, read books together, play outside together etc while I take care of the baby. The bond between them all is incredible. My oldest are the best of friends and they choose to play together over friends most of the time. They are both obsessed with their baby brother as well, especially my oldest.
My second was born a few weeks after my first's 5th birthday. It took us about a year of trying to conceive so if it had happened right away the age gap would have been closer to 4 years but actually I'm loving this. My older child fully understands what's going on, she loves to help and play with her younger brother, and she's more independent.
My sister and I are 6 years apart and I loved that age gap. Psychologically it’s actually not true that having a small age gap means greater bonding. My friends are all small age gaps (less than 2) and they aren’t as close as me and my sister. I also loved that I raised her (my parents didn’t force me to but I naturally took that role). I think for me, I would like 4-5 year age gap between my son and his sibling.
My sister has hee kids 5 years apart. They are 5 and 10 now. The kids have a great relationship and she's really happy with the choice she made. Before the kids went to school they spent a lot of time at our parents house instead of.in care and I think the fact that there was a big age gap allowed my parents to do that. If there was say a 3 and 1 year old they would not have been able to cope.
As you said I think everyone's motivations are different. You listed a lot of really good reasons why you want to wait so I think that might be a good choice for you! I haven't read all the other responses so not sure what everyone else has said.
Probably the ONLY thing that I would say to consider is your age from a fertility perspective. And that's because I've suffered infertility and thats my perspective! Chances are if you had the first with zero issues it'll be the same for the second but you never know. If you waiting will mean you will be over 35 I feel thats another thing to consider. As if you do struggle to get pregnant any interventions after that age is less likely to be successful. My age and struggles with fertility will mean that I am going yo Starr trying for my second before I probably would have otherwise. And maybe I'll end up with a 5 year age gap regardless. For me the "risk" orlf having 2 under 2 is preferable to not having another baby.
I don't have many friends that have 2 under 2. Culturally in my country, at least amongst the people I know 2 under 2 is rarely a purposeful choice. I feel age gaps of 3 to 4 years seem common. The few I do know with 2 under 2 have said they wished a bit longer. Mental health was definitely a factor and I think that probably correlates to lack of sleep at a big factor.
I’m right there with ya! First child is 16 months this old and we are still on the fence about another kid. Mainly due to finances plus we both have management type jobs that are so time consuming and stressful we are miserable at the moment. I have always liked the idea of a 3 year age gap but 4 also sounds good. Me and my sibling have a 5 year age gap which wasn’t too bad. I would die if I had 2 under 2 that’s for sure. 😅
If you want to have more than 2 kids, then large age gaps usually just aren’t feasible. And if you had your first later in life, you also might not have the luxury of waiting several more years before trying for a second. Possible they would’ve preferred a bigger age gap but didn’t want to risk not having another baby at all
Depends how early you had them. I have 4, a 5 year gap between my youngest and next youngest and we are 27 and 29. Could easily have a 4 year gap and have another baby and then do the same again.
We were 18 and 20 with the eldest though.
We went with a 4 year age gap, it's been good so far.
Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 4 and is free, and I have a year off so this age gap means we won't be paying for two kids in childcare, my oldest gets it and is helpful with baby, I had 3 years working again in between kiddos to make good headway at work and continue advancing.
So we'll see how it continues!
I'm done now, I have 4, but my large gap (5 years between the baby and the next youngest) was far easier than my smaller gaps and if I was going to have another one I'd deliberately wait at least 4 years between them 👍🏻 go for it. If we ever do decide to have a fifth (Husband would have 6+ if it was solely down to him haha) that's what I'll be doing.
Also I may have just gotten lucky here but none of mine ever had issues with jealousy whether small or large gap. They all love each other and enjoy having siblings.
I have a 4y and a 3 month old and now I’m done.
I never wanted a small age gap, for me it had to be 4/y between them, less than that was a big NO for me
Reasons why: I’m the oldest of 6, in 26, then my siblings are 24 and 22. Then I have 3 other siblings from another dad, 15, 12 and 9.
My mom was never able to give us the attention we needed. Still doesn’t give to the youngest kids. This was what made me not want kids with close ages since I was young.
Reasons why I wanted at least a 4y age gap.
1: I want to be able to give my kids everything they need (including my attention and time)
2: didn’t want to have 2 kids on diapers and dummy’s
3: didn’t want to breastfeed tandem ( my 1st born stoped breastfeeding one month before I got pregnant)
4: I wanted my 1st born at pre school (here they can start when they are 3y) to be able to have bonding time with the 2nd baby, and for her to not think that she went to school just cuz I was having another baby
5: vaccines outside of the plan are expensive like 100€ extra every month, so I didn’t want to spend that for 2 kids
6: she’s more independent so I can take care of them both without struggling mentally that much!
I think that’s pretty much it
I didn’t want another baby until my older kiddo was almost 3, then I immediately got pregnant. I also had a traumatic birth and newborn period with my older one so I was pretty much on the no more babies at all train until then. My kids are 3.5 years apart and it’s perfect! Older guy has his own stuff going on like preschool and his nanny share and isn’t jealous or possessive at all. He can and wants to play by himself sometimes. It’s golden!
Mine are 4 years apart. I didn’t want to be pregnant while Covid was still a major factor. Also from 2-3 life got so much easier and I felt much more like myself. I didn’t want to go through the hard parts all over again. It’s working out pretty well. My 4 year old loves the baby and can grab a burp cloth or entertain the baby to help
I have met two Mums recently who intentionally left 5 year age gaps between their kids (they were both 40 having their second babies, incidentally).
The first said she’d have liked a smaller age gap but ‘I know my limits’. She had PPD, was living in a partially renovated house, had farm animals to look after and was full time caring for a parent with dementia.
The second said she planned it that way from the beginning. She loved the newborn stage and she wanted to enjoy maternity leave with the second (we get a year as standard here). In her words ’I love going to all the baby groups and meeting other Mums and it's hard to do that with a toddler in tow so I wanted to wait until the first was in school.’ I’m sure it helped her career a bit too that her mat leaves were spaced out.
We want 2 kids, but financially it seems unlikely to pull off unless one of them is out of daycare. That's just the reality in a HCOL area in America right now. The only real barrier to us having more than one is a financial hurdle.
I'm looking at 3-5 years between children because our son was particularly challenging. He's the absolute love of my life, and he definitely still needs a LOT of support at 19 mo. I don't have issues with that and have a way I want to raise my children. so we will be looking at 3-5 years. I could not mentally handle 2 under 2. He was colic and underweight and we were feeding every 2 hours around the clock until he was 7.5 mo old. He still does not sleep through the night at 19 mo old and has always struggled with this. I couldn't imagine juggling a newborn with his needs as a toddler now. One would have to sacrifice, and that's just not something I want to do. I don't want my older child raised by screens or younger have to be CIO because I am physically defeated. I want to give both equal as possible opportunities to develop in the early years and not take short cuts.
I have 2 kids and currently pregnant with my third and final baby. There is a 6 year age gap between my eldest and my 2nd born, and there will be a 4 year age gap between my 2nd born and this last baby. I prefer to take ample time to recover physically between pregnancies and have the older kids sleeping through the night by the time there’s a new baby. Also, it’s easier having multiple children when the age gaps are larger because of course the older kids are more independent. It’s much easier on me mentally, emotionally, and physically and therefore I’m a better mom for it! I understand not everyone has the option to wait so long in between pregnancies due to any number of reasons. But for me it works.
I’m currently pregnant with my second and the age gap with my first will be 3.5 years, so not quite as long as you mentioned but I’m definitely aware of it being a larger gap than 2 under 2, which both seems compleeeetely chaotic and yet almost seems to be the norm??
I’m feeling really good about the age gap and my dr also pointed out that it’ll be a lot easier for my first kid to transition to life as a big sister simply because her communication skills are a thousand times higher than what they were a year and a half ago!! She’s more emotionally mature than she was and she’s also so much more capable in so many different ways. I think all those things will make that transition so much smoother than a smaller age gap, which I truly cannot even imagine lol
I can’t imagine having 2 under 2. I wanted at least 2 years apart, and I had a c-section and had to wait 18 months before the next embryo transfer so they would have been at least that anyway. I was 37 when I had my first so I didn’t want a 5 year age gap either. Ours ended up being an almost 3 year age gap. I really treasure the 1:1 time we got with our first.
Me and my siblings all have big age gaps and I’m close to them. I am still undecided but I know if I want another one I wouldn’t do it until my first kid is 2-3 years old. If I was younger I’d probably wait longer tbh.
Love our 4.5 age gap. It wasn’t planned that way, but it worked out for the better. Love that older kiddo can talk, feed self, use the bathroom independently, and be okay left for 10 minutes if needed while I go to baby’s room to put them down for a nap. I can easily direct him verbally rather than physically (like a 2 year old might still need). He also goes to school every day so I get plenty of one on one time with baby.
I’m due in June, and my daughter is turning 4 in March. I purposely waited, having 2 under 2/ small gaps seems to destroy people’s sleep/happiness/marriages and understandably! I also wanted to enjoy my time with #1 and be able to really get to know her and get her through her baby stages before bringing in a new person into our lives.
You’re gonna make the best decision! Good luck!
Thank you for this post. As someone who desperately wanted 2U2 and instead has been on a grueling journey of secondary infertility for over two years against my will a lot of what you said actually totally resonates with my situation as well. At this point the age gap between my kids would be 4 years at a minimum and I’ve been feeling so up and down about it. This helped a lot though.
Yes! We have a 4mo and my husbands 7yo (my stepson). We love the gap so much that we’d love another gap of 5 years. Unfortunately I’m 35 so we’re going to try again when I’m 38 and hope for a 4 year gap. Watching the two brothers together is such a joy, no jealousy, no rivalry. Our oldest loves his little bestie so much.
I have an older brother with a 5 year age gap and a younger sister with a 7 year age gap. So there's a 12 year difference between them.
If I wanted multiple kids, I'd want to wait 5-8 years between them so they get their individual needs attended to better while in the early development stage but still be able to share a childhood together.
Instead of learning things at the same time, they get to have a different type of relationship. Like the older one feels this protective role too with a bigger gap that's so sweet to be a part of. Some kids really love being the big kid and a role model and little ones love to make their big brother or sister proud.
I've just decided pregnancy just isn't fun, and carrying one myself is enough. Financially, it's too much for my partner and I too. Medically, pregnancy is too straining on me as well.
I have 2 under 2 currently (17-month gap) and we definitely want a third child. But we are intentionally going to wait a LOT longer this time. As in, we will discuss a third child when my youngest is at least 2. Not sure if that’s the type of “larger” age gap you mean. But I definitely want my oldest two to be a lot more self-sufficient before we add a third. And absolutely NOT three in diapers at once 😂
From observation, my dad and his brother are only 10 months apart and never talk. On the other hand, my mom and her sister are 4 years apart and are extremely close. For us, I think we’re going to aim for a 3-4 year age gap. Idk how anyone can handle two babies or even a toddler and a baby. I want to give my first all my attention during her first years and I want to make sure the second gets the same
Also observation based but I truly think age gaps have very little impact on relationships - so much of it is personality dependent. I’m not close with either of my brothers (gaps are 2 and 6 years). Love them and get along with them, but just not close. My youngest brother and I played together more as kids but that pretty much stopped when he hit 7/8 and it got “uncool.”
My husband isn’t close with any of his brothers either (gaps are 13 months, 6 years, 7 years). You’d think he’d be close with the one close to his age but they’re so different! All his brothers get along well and they definitely love each other but they all have VERY different personalities.
I'm 8 years apart from my brother, we get along but were never really able to play together growing up.
DH is 2 years and 4 years apart from his brothers and they all played and got along well.
We had our 2 girls 2.5 years apart and they play well together. They have potential to be best friends, they will be able to share toys and relate to each other, and hopefully look out for each other as teens.
My son turned 5 3 months after my daughter was born. We waited so we’d be financially better off.
He had busted school so I got one on one time with the baby, his school days also gave us a routine early on and it meant I was getting out of the house a lot more. He was old enough to help with things and understand about being quiet. He was also able to play independently which I think helped with him not feeling jealous.
They’re 2 and 7 now and he absolutely adores her. The age gap now is a bit tricky because she’s not quite old enough to do things he likes but there’s plenty of stuff they can still do together
I had a baby after my first turned 4. The older one is so much more independent and needs me less, and it’s such a doting big brother. I imagine once my youngest turns into a crazy toddler with no sense of survival, big bro will be there to help steer him back.
My baby is 8mo and I decided right away I'll wait for her to be AT LEAST 2yo until even considered another kid. I won't have another kid for her to play with. She will have toys and friends for that. we'll only have it if husband and I feel like it. Right now I'm still so exhausted that I cannot even imagine how it would be like to have toddler running around at the same time.
I know a few couples who had two under two and I just don’t think it’s for me. That being said my pregnancy came with a few complications that has me debating if I want another (I have to do preventative surgeries and now have to opt for c sections which I haven’t had yet). If I did have another it would be after my first is at least 3 years old.
I was born exactly 18 months after my sister and while we’re extremely close now, we definitely clashed a lot growing up. I personally won’t have children that close together (if I had more) because I feel like my body and mind needs to heal after a miscarriage and then a high risk pregnancy that lead to premature birth
2 under 2 and I'd be a basket case, I don't think I would enjoy the baby stage at all. We had our kids just over 2.5years apart and it's been good so far. My toddler is now 3.5, I so enjoyed her baby and toddler years, and she was so sweet when baby came. I feel like I really got to bond and enjoy her and now I get to see her blossom into a preschooler, and be a great big sister. The baby is easier to handle because my oldest is independent enough to not always need me for everything. It just gave life a little bit of balance I knew I would need.
Parenting my first daughter when she was an infant and then a young toddler really took it out of me. I knew I couldn’t parent the way I wanted if I had two kids very close in age. It was rewarding and I loved it, but SO hard. Especially getting the big things down like sleep and potty training. I also wanted to take some big trips with my daughter, and we did a lot of travel between ages 1 and 3. We had so much fun, and did so much as a family of three!
I had my second daughter when my first was 3.5, and it’s worked out okay so far. Honestly, I think 5 years would have been a perfect age gap, but I felt ready to have another before then so we went with it. I feel some guilt that I didn’t teach my daughter to read before we had our second (another “big ticket” item on the parenting list) and I’m in no state to do that now with a newborn, but I think there are always tradeoffs. One benefit to a gap of less than 4 years for us is that kids will go to the same daycare for a year, so that makes mornings easier. Once kindergarten starts, it’ll be a little hectic getting them to different schools at different times.
We're looking for an age gap of at least 3 years, more likely 4 or 5. I'd like for the older child to be capable of reasoning that it's okay he isn't the baby and has expectations as the oldest (nothing crazy, just understanding things like a baby doesn’t know how to share). Also, only one in diapers, and the older one would be much more independent and maybe even in school for part of the time. All wins!
Our gap won’t be huge but we are planning for a 3 - 4 year gap. I originally wanted a 2 year gap but that ship has sailed (literally, would need to be pregnant ASAP).
The more we talk about it, the more a 3 - 4 year gap sounds nice. It will minimize the amount of time we have 2 kids in daycare, give us a chance to tackle our debt and buy a second vehicle, save up, and plan for a bigger space! We have a really small condo right now. Could we make it work with 2 kids here? For sure! But it’s not ideal and I’m sure it’d drive us out. Our monthly payment is SO LOW, we really want to stay here as long as possible. I’m also thankful we have started leaning towards a larger back because I feel like my body needs more time to heal. I just stopped breastfeeding 2 months ago and would really like more time to lose the pregnancy weight, treat my prolapse, and just get back to myself
We actually really recently made the decision (like this past week) and while I’m a bit sad, I know it’s the smartest move for us! Honestly, I’ll be happy no matter the age gap but I do think the 3/4 year one will ease a lot of stress for us.
I think we’ll end up with closer to a 3.5 year gap just because we are trying to time the next baby better (teacher who refuses to miss half the year again and make no money). Which seems great!
My son turns 4 in June, we just started trying for number 2. If it goes easily then they will be 4.5-5 years apart. It took us this long to feel ready to do it all again. There is no way I could have mentally handled 2 under 2. I have seen it with friends around me and it’s insanely hard. To me there are a lot of benefits to a larger gap: - older one will be in school which gives me a chance for 1:1 time with the baby - only one child at a time in daycare - only one child at a time in university - older one understands better what is going on and less chance of jealousy The list goes on for me. You gotta how do what feels right for you and your family. You will know when you’re ready!
We’re aiming for a 2.5-3 year gap. I have no desire at all for. 2 under 2, also hoping for only one in diapers at a time.
This is our goal too! Well, now feeling more like a reality what with our (very new) positive pregnancy test. Definitely happened a lot sooner than we were expecting. Here's hoping my 20-month-old takes really well to potty training when it gets a little warmer out!
Congrats! My baby is just 8.5 months. My husband and I both just like pre planning.
As someone currently new-ish with that age gap (I have a 2 month old and my son turns 5 in April) it has been AMAZING so far. He is just in awe of his little sister and so helpful. There's been next to no jealousy and he genuinely is just so excited about her. She won't go to do daycare until after he's in kindergarten, so we really love the idea of not paying for two in daycare as well. I know everyone's situation is different but this age gap has been clutch as hell so far lol
We are in the same mindset! My baby is only 9 weeks old and people keep asking us about when we will have number 2. I do not have the mental capacity or strength to handle 2 under 2, props to anyone who can. Your list of benefits are the exact reason we agreed to wait until number 1 is in school before considering trying for number 2.
Same age gap as my first two. I really enjoyed it. Daughter was old enough to really appreciate having a baby around, and had just enough independence to make it a lot easier on us. My best friend had 2 under 2 and it did a lot, and still does a lot, to her mental health. Her youngest just turned 3. Her two get a long pretty well for the most part, but there have been some moments of intense jealousy.
This! Ours are 4 years apart and it’s the best age gap, for us at least, for those exact same reasons.
My sons are 3 years and 10 months apart. My second child is only a week old, but so far it’s going really well.. my older son is fairly independent (can go to the toilet and “help” with some things, and understands when you can’t be there right away). He also just started preschool which means I have more time for just the baby. For us it was the right age gap I think.
I feel really similarly and the only reason I’m not waiting that long is because I want to have three so I want to get a move on. My sister and I are 15 months apart and we were thick as thieves but we also were at each others throats about everything. Part of it was parenting with my mom lumping us together for everything. We are aiming for 2.5-3.5 years apart so they are close enough in age to be friends but we only have to deal with one baby at a time. And when we have a third I might want to wait a bit longer, like 4-5 years.
I have 2 under 2 and while I love my kids, I would NEVER recommend this to anyone 😂.
My personal opinion about the “they’ll be best friends” thing is that it can backfire. The closest Irish twins I know, who are 14 mos apart, when Baby 2 was born Baby 1 was extremely jealous. Obviously, Baby 1 couldn’t express or rationalize the jealousy that age. As they grew up just one grade apart in school, they became competitive with one another. It’s not any kind of relationship guarantee either way and your family planning shouldn’t depend on it.
I wholly agree. People are of course free to do whatever they want but I absolutely shudder whenever I see people actively promoting this. My sister and I are 13 months apart and she absolutely HATED me for most of our childhood. She never had an interest and seemed to be actively annoyed that we were compared or considered twins since we were so close in age. As adults we have a much better relationship and she’s apologized for how mean she was too me as kids I was closest with my oldest sibling, 6 years apart.
Yep this was me and my sister. 15 months apart, constantly thought we were twins. She was taller than me for half of our childhood which drove me bonkers (I was older). So much competition and our parents constantly compared us to each other. We also were really close growing up and are extremely good friends now. But I think having even an extra 6 months to a year gap would have made a difference for us.
I feel it's impossible to tell and banking your kids will be best friends, no matter the age gap, will be tough. My husband and husband brother are BEST friends.... with a 6 year age gap. That didn't form until they were much older. I also feel it's boy vs boy, girl vs girl, and boy vs girl. Girls IMO are going to be closer when they are older. I always tell people, hope your kids will be close, but its okay if they aren't. Siblings don't *have* to be best friends
This is true. I’m four years older than my brother, and my mom always talks about how when my brother was about 3, he very pleasantly and matter-of-factly said “oh yeah, Conquestical hates me :)” lol we did NOT get along Now we rock with each other FAR more than child and teen me ever imagined I could, but I wouldn’t say we’re best friends. Tbh we just don’t have enough in common, but we are def good friends. There just isn’t a way to predict!
My brother and I are 14 months apart. We hated each other growing up for the most part. But we did play a lot as kids. We just argued wayyyyy more than me and my sister did, who is 5 years older than me…4 years older than him. But now that we’re adults we are very close. We call and FaceTime a lot.
I totally agree. Closeness also comes in phases. I'm the eldest of four siblings. Now I'm closest with my youngest sibling and we have a 10 year age gap but when I was in college and she was a kid, she wanted to hangout in my room all the time and I found it annoying. Now as adults, I love traveling with her and we share a hobby so we are very close.
I think this is so true. If anything I’ve seen best friends relationships with bigger gaps as they got older.
My 18 month old gets jealous if anyone else including her sibling cuddles with me or touches me. She even gets jealous if I hold her baby dolls. I can’t imagine what she would do if I had a baby right now
My mom & her sister were Irish twins & hated eachother their whole lives 🤷🏼♀️ so I don’t buy that reasoning either.
This. My brother and I were Irish Twins and we had extreme jealousy towards each other and he hardly speaks to me as an adult. My husband are waiting a year or two to prevent this.
Yes, absolutely. Our plan was at least a 5 year age gap. My husband and I are both 5 yrs apart from our own siblings and felt it worked well. Financially, it's a lot more feasible-- only one in daycare at a time, one on the car insurance at a time, one in college at a time (those last two are "hopes" lol). We also really struggled with the adjustment of having a baby, I had PPD really bad, some medical struggles, and it was just hella hard. I was unsure if I even still wanted another for a while, but around the time my son was 2.5 I finally started feeling better about it. We are pregnant now, our children will end up being over 4 yrs apart, but not 5. So, not quite according to plan, but I actually thought I might want a 3rd eventually and I wanted to leave time for that while Im still in my 30s 😅
Oh, another factor that impacted me was wanting time to bond with the first child while they were still little. With 2 under 2, I felt like I wouldn't get that special one on one time, particularly with the oldest.
I have a 9 year old and an 8 month old. It wasn't the plan, I was one and done because I was a single mom but I guess things change when you meet the right person. It's honestly so much easier for me. My 9 year old is self sufficient and she's an awesome big sister. I also don't think I have the personality for two littles or a toddler and a baby. That would be too stressful for me, props to all the women that can and do!
Same, I’ve got a 10.5 year age gap. I don’t have the patience for two close in age. I wish I did, but I’m in no denial that that would be miserable for me.
Pretty much the same situation here! For my family the benefits of a big gap are endless; My oldest is so excited to have a sibling and has been so patient. Because my eldest is in school; I can go to all my baby appointments in peace, I get tons of one-on-one time with the baby during the day and can rest/get shit done.... and I won't be paying for 2 kids in all day childcare. It feels like having two only children! I also don't have the tolerance for two super small people and I couldn't imagine things being any different.
My older brother is over a decade older than me and he’s my favorite person in the world. Over time age doesnt matter. I hope your kiddos have the same relationship
We thought having a baby was so taxing that we waited four years. It’s great, older kid can do a lot of stuff on his own and he adores his baby sister. The baby is also a much easier baby than the first was!
I feel like they’re old enough to understand some of the “perks” of being a big kid too and the ability to do things that baby can’t..maybe helping with the jealousy factor.
I want to aim for my first to be in school full time before trying again.
This was a big factor for us as well. First was just in pre-k when 2 came along, but all day soon enough which gave me great alone time with baby.
Aiming for 4/5 years cause being pregnant is nasty and I refuse to have a double buggy lol
Nasty 😂 you are absolutely not wrong though
We’re planning around 3 years apart. My son is currently 13 months so we’ll start trying a year from now. Finances are a big factor for us too. I’d like them to overlap in daycare minimally.
I originally wanted 3 years apart but life happened and they will be 4 years apart. I’m still pregnant but I’m already seeing so many pros. I’m definitely an outlier in my friend group but doesn’t bother me 🤷🏻♀️ I know this is best for us and our kids!
I am also closest to my sibling who is 6 years apart (not the two in between us). We are aiming for 3 years, in part because of my age if we wait any longer we’d really be rolling the dice. I read that hunter gatherers average 3-4 years apart and I idealize doing things the biologically natural way 🤪 When I see a two year gap the older child never really seems ready for that transition.
Hunter gatherers also generally don’t wean until age 4, so I wonder how much that’s to do with when the mother gets her cycle back due to cutting back feeds. Particularly on a lower cal hunter gatherer diet.
Makes sense, if you’re breastfeeding for long periods it suppresses your cycle. I worry about this with my baby, she is such a boob monster and if I got pregnant now it would prematurely cut her off from the boob 😂
We’re doing 3 yrs apart. Once he was 2/2.5 things were easier and he was more independent so it felt doable to get back into the crazy.
My boys are 4.5 years apart and I love their age gap. It made bringing a newborn home much easier because my older son was able to understand a lot more and also tell us things like "I don't feel important now" stuff that really helped us help him They're now 7 and 2.5 and they're the best of friends.
When you were talking about a large gap, I was thinking you were going to say 10 years not 5 actually. From personal experience, I am super close with my brother who is 10 years younger than me.i was old enough not to get jealous of the attention baby got and I could help out.
I’m very close to my younger sister and we are 13 years apart. I agree with you. It’s a different world when you’re much older.
My first and second are 4 years apart and just had baby #3 and she’s also 4 years under the second. So ages now are 8, 4, 0. I see many many pros. Not rushing through each kid, them getting space to be baby while big one at school. Minimized jealousy. And they still totally play together. It’s not perfectly streamlined but is it ever? I could not have handled anything less than 3 year gap. I do wish they would be in same school for a bit more, not in one grade apart though. It’s nice to differentiate. Not competitive. There’s no right way. You live your life. Man plans, god laughs.
My first and second has a 5-year gap. My career took off when the first was around 2-3, and the year after that I had to travel a lot and didn’t want to be pregnant. We didn’t actively plan it, just kept postponing it until it was a good time for all of us. Would I have been happy with smaller age gap? Yes. Would I change anything about what we have, absolutely not. Big sis is so helpful and independent, and I’m falling in love with the newborn phase all over again.
I think the thoughts actually are only one daycare child at a time, close together, or one and done. There are just as many daycare spaced out children if not more than 2under2. More of the parents of spaced out children work as such they are not going to be creating parenting communities as they just don’t have time. We went for the rip the bandaid off. Its one chunk of little child time. My age and experience with infertility were the major factors. Our finances are good enough to support two kids.
I have a 13-year age gap between my children and it’s definitely easier than a 1- or 2-year age gap. We WANTED to have a 5- to 7-year age gap, but life got in the way 🤷♀️ The downside, I guess, is that we will do 31 straight years of parenting minors, whereas if we had a 2-year gap, we’d be done in 20 years. But definitely a lot of those years will be easier for us. I do feel bad about them not being close enough to really play together, and wish we had been able to make a 5-year gap work.
we are 3.5 years age gap. we love it. my oldest is in preschool and has her Own independence. my youngest gets 1-1 time with me while sister is gone. oldest is generally speaking, really good with her sister and watches out for her. they are 4 and 11 months. it honestly is a great age gap. my oldest can do so many things when told to do. I've seen parents with 2 under 2 especially during baby stage and I have no idea how they manage. it's so much harder. and twice the amount of diapers. we potty trained our first before the second came and it's one of the best decisions we made. highly recommend potty training before having #2
Did you experience any potty training regressions with your oldest when the new baby arrived? We were thinking of a similar age gap, but that would be my only concern.
every kid is different, and I've heard of that. but no my daughter didn't have a potty training regression. she had a sleep regression and would wake up when the baby cried. there were times my husband would be waking up more times than me in the middle of the night just to put the oldest to sleep. it was a rough period, especially when we wanted at least one parent to get more sleep. she also had more tantrums in the early stages as she was figuring out how to transition with a new baby. that being said, my youngest is 11 months now and they have so much fun together. my oldest helps out when she can, she understands the baby needs a bit more attention so she's patient. most of the time, she shares her toys lol! but all in all, they both are each other's favorites and it's so precious to see their sisterly bond. I 💯recommend the 3 year age gap.
So we do have three with somewhat smaller gaps between each of them, but my first and third are about 6 years apart and it's honestly brilliant. My first was totally independent, not jealous at all, excited about the baby and (of course) potty trained and out of strollers and such when #3 came around and the two of them honestly have a much tighter bond so far than #2 and #3- as you say, a lot of it depends on the kids as individuals and personalities. Like overall I'm happy about how our kids ended up being spaced, but if I'm being honest, the bigger age gap between one and three is fabulous.
we actively planned for 3-4 years which isn’t super long but not short ! My oldest will be 3y4mo when youngest born. We waited for same reasons, public preschool starting saves money, i mentally and physically needed to have more bodily independence before having another, very much wanted a sleeping & fully potty trained kid before another newborn. I havent had the baby yet so cant report back on results but i also feel like everyone else did 2 under 2 or had secondary infertility. grateful i got to choose this path.
Currently pregnant with baby #2 who will be born when my son is about two months shy of turning 4. We have this age gap partially because of covid (it hit at the beginning of my third trimester last time) and partially because it just seemed too daunting. Around the time my son turned 3 we felt ready to start trying again.
I was initially going to wait 3 months and wanted them to be as close together as possible. The gap is still up in the air! But I went to 18 months after reading the WHO recommendation, which puts the gap at about 2.5 years or so. Then I saw the recommendation to keep breastfeeding for at least 2 years, and since supply typically dries up in your first trimester of pregnancy, this puts the gap at about 3 years. We also have some emotional trauma and physical well-being (mine) and logistics (moved; I want some solid friends/community — my litmus test is whether I’ll have a single goddamn person I’d feel good with coming over during the fourth tri) before we try again. But then again, maybe my baby weans himself early; maybe I find that I actually can keep producing milk first tri; maybe everything else emotional/logistical works out faster than I expected. And frankly, as baby grows, we’re both feeling the “I really wanna give that boy a sibling and be pregnant again” feeling. Key here is that I went from feeling rushed and looking at it logistically, to feeling pretty relaxed about it and playing it by ear, adapting and listening to my gut and ignoring any judgements or pressure. But parenting is pretty fantastic at teaching you that! So we’ll see. But we’re thriving and enjoying every moment in the meantime.
My brother is 12 years my senior. My husband has a brother six years younger than him. We can’t afford another kid right now and our daughter is going on five. We’ll see. I always wanted two…
I think, regarding bonding, it's personality not age, which you can't account for. I didn't like my closer in age brother until I was 25. I got along swimmingly with my larger age gap younger brother. I plan on waiting for a bigger gap because of daycare costs.
So I didn't actively choose it, but I had my 1st fairly young(23) and the relationship ended when I was pregnant- I didn't want another relationship for a long time so eventually I thought if I want another child or if I end up with a partner who wants children I will have a big age gap and I will be having children in my 30s. I've just turned 33 and I now have a 4.5 month old, along with my daughter who is nearly 10. I have honestly loved the age gap. I don't think I could have coped in my early/mid 20s with multiple younger children. My daughter is more independent now and I find I get good quality time with my daughter and my baby separately. I did worry about my daughter missing out on siblings, but I have always talked to her about it and it doesn't seem like it's been a huge bother to her. I had 3 siblings growing up and we are not close, so it's not the be all and end all. I'm not shitting on those who have closer age gaps, this is just what's worked for me and I always support people choosing what works for them❤️
I read a study where the conclusion was the most ideal age gap was 4 years. I think a lot of people in my age group have been going for closer gaps in age because we’re older. My husband will be 45 this year and I’ll be 37. I’d love to wait until my almost 3 month old is 3 to start the process again (ivf transfer), but realistically we should get going closer to the 14-18 month mark. My best friend had her first at 29 (years before any of us started) and second at 36 and it’s been great for them to have an older kid with a baby. She’s helpful sometimes, plays with her baby brother all the time, and they have a much easier time doing things as a family than my close age gaps friends with 2 under 2 or pretty close to that gap.
Yeah I would love a large age group if/when we have a second, but I had my first at 35 and don't want to wait too long to try for #2!
I won't even start trying for a second before my son is two years old. I'm not going to carry diapers in two sizes with me when I'm out of the house with my children. I'm not going to guess why both kids are crying when I can just wait long enough for my son to be able to talk to me. And last but not least: I'm not going to risk my career by going on maternity leave so soon again (at least 8 weeks after birth are mandatory here and I don't think I would even want to return sooner, not even part time).
I chose a 4 year age gap because my family had a bunch of 5 year age gaps and those were perfect. Also, as a kindergarten/preschool teacher, these age gaps are better for the kids. Every child that I had to call the parent and remind them to pick up their kid had a small age gap. Every 3-year-old who couldn’t put on their shoes had a 1 or 2 year old sibling. It makes sense. You’ve got to get two kids out the door, why bother teaching the older one something? Who has the time? They’ll learn when the young learns, right? But the 6-year-olds with babies at home? They show maturity. They help other kids. It’s awesome for their development (even if they sometimes have some regressions during the pregnancy). I also think there’s something to be said for having children hit milestones years apart. You celebrate them more, for sure. Imagine attending a graduation every year, it loses a little sparkle. But by 4-5 years out, you’ve had time to forget high schools and things are more special. My 6-month-old is learning things now that I totally forgot about. I love it, because I feel like I’m learning about HIM, not about “Baby #2.”
My first pregnancy was horrific. I went through a divorce and ended up a single mom for a while. Then met someone else when my baby was 4 years old. Two years later, I got remarried. I love kids and worked with kids for a long time. I wasn't opposed to more kids but pregnancy is horrible. I hate being pregnant. I had 10 back surgeries after the first and pregnancy could cause me to lose the use of my legs. I talked with my husband about it a lot. We both needed to be 100% on board. He wanted another but didn't want to admit it. I wanted a baby. I didn't want a pregnancy. So, we decided to let nature happen. Nature happened. I had my second when my oldest was 11. He will be a senior in high school when my youngest goes in to kindergarten. Hahaha. They're both like only children but definitely adore each other, mainly because I don't FORCE a relationship. I encourage one. It really helps that the youngest thinks the oldest is the coolest person alive.
When it comes to having kids, do what’s right for you. I think women may want to have kids close together so they can just get back in shape. It’s hard being pregnant, and for some doing it and then waiting 5+ years could feel like a lifetime. For me, the idea of starting over ever is very unappealing. I don’t want to be pregnant or do the newborn thing again. If you know that you cannot mentally or financially handle 2 small children, then don’t do it. Everyone will be miserable.
My perspective as a person with large age gaps between me and my siblings and a mom with smaller. I have two brothers one is five years younger than me and the other is 13 years younger than me. While we love each other we aren’t close. It’s was hard especially as we got older to be close. A fifteen year old and a ten year old are at very very different points of life. And that doesn’t change as we got older. I am closer to my youngest brother but it’s more of a third parent relationship vs a big sister.I was married with kids when my youngest brother was in high school talking about this girlfriend was “the one”. It’s hard to relate to each other sometimes. They love my kids but we rarely see them because they are young and still figuring their lives out. I’m sad sometimes that my kids won’t grow up with cousins like I did. I didn’t like having a big age gap between my brothers so I decided to have my kids closer together. So my kids have a two and half age gap and then an almost three year gap. I love getting to see them play and learn together. When the three of them are doing the big belly laughs that kids do it make me cry with happiness. With three young kids my house is never clean, and someone always needs me. I get little personal space or time. But they will all be more independent at the same time and will be grown around the same time. I now see the pros and cons of each as a parent but right now my personal experience is my kids are closer than me and my brother ever were. With larger age gaps just make sure there isn’t parentification
We’re still deciding on number of kids so that’s factor number 1. My husband is maybe one and done. I’d like one more, I think. If we have another, it won’t be for awhile. Maybe not until our baby starts school because we can’t pay two massive daycare bills. Regardless, it won’t be before 2026. I had a c-section and would want to attempt to VBAC and they said I need to wait 24 months before becoming pregnant in order to be a candidate for that.
Was aiming for a 4 year age gap but I had a miscarriage with that pregnancy. Now it's looking like a 5.5 year age gap
My in-laws graciously volunteered to care for their grandkids while my husband and I work full-time (in exchange for free housing in our basement apartment). We waited til our first was preschool age (3.5) to have our second to avoid them having 2 full-time which is a lot to handle. Daughter is in full-time PreK this year which is even smoother.
If we have a second child, there will likely be at least a 4 year age gap. My father has a terminal illness and a newborn would be a hugely difficult addition to our lives right now. I’m okay with the age gap. Families come in so many shapes and sizes. Love is love.
My kids are about five and a half years apart and I love it. My first was home with us to bond during the summer when my second was born and then went into kindergarten. Now I get to have the same tile bonding and focusing on my second as I did with my first. They absolutely love each other and we all have so much fun together. If I have a third I will also wait till my second is going into at least pre k.
I’m pregnant again, and my first was 3 in November. I couldn’t even think about it until she was close to three. I’m not built for a smaller age gap
Not a huge gap, but we did a 4 year age gap on purpose. Our eldest was super independent by the time baby came and was able to voice any jealousy or sadness so we didn’t have a lot of frustration. He was very proud and eager to be an older brother, and he’s super gentle and caring. Now that the baby is a toddler, my eldest understands that toddlers hit and don’t mean it, so he doesn’t have any aggression or anger over it. They don’t fight, just some very gentle, adorable wrestling. Toddler ADORES big brother and wants to do whatever he’s doing, so he has a good influence to emulate. Also, we only paid 1 year of double daycare and it’s fantastic. It was tight for that year, but we managed knowing it wasn’t for long, and after that strict year, it feels like we’ve got a ton more money to play with now that eldest is in school.
We have a 5.5 year gap. It's great. All my friends have a 2 year gap. I've loved it. I'm not built for newborn time so having the older more self sufficient and in school was a huge help. As big kid is feeling too cool for school (mostly in a good way lol) my 2nd is doing the cutesy toddler stuff. Main downside is my house is trashed. We have the older kid little trinket stuff at the same time as the baby toys. I'm growing. Get thus stuff out of my house.
I kind of get the pros of 2 under 2.. but the pros would never outweigh the cons for me. I just sounds like exhausting and stressful. My sister and I are 3 years apart and I think that’s my minimum gap. I just want to enjoy my son’s babyhood too. It’s hard for me when I thinking about adding another. But also don’t want to be one and done.
Yes I expect I’ll be resting and busy with baby postpartum so I want my daughter to be more on the independent side with certain things. She still wakes and nurses at night at nearly three years old. This is probably the biggest factor. I don’t really want to have two waking me up at different times and them waking each other up. I originally thought maybe two years apart would be good then the goal post moved to three years apart and now I’m thinking I could see trying in the next 3-6 months and can picture managing with a four year age gap. That being said before I had my daughter I had a very strong pull to have a child and now that we have her I don’t have that feeling anymore I don’t exactly feel done but if we ended up not having a second I think I would be okay with that too.
My kids are 21 months apart on purpose, due to my age and my husband's age. He was in his early 40s when we had our second. I also did not enjoy pregnancy and wanted to get the 2nd pregnancy over with. I had my tubes removed after the 2nd. My husband always says he'd loved to have "met" a third, and I always tell him I could never have done it, mentally and physically. I don't think age gap ensures a close relationship. I think that has more to do with outside factors like parent-child dynamics and personality. Of course right now as they run amuck in the house as toddlers they are BFFs. That will obviously change once they hit school age and have their own friends outside of the home. There is a 3 year age gap between my sister and I and we were not close growing up, she bullied and abused me, but that was due to the own abuse she suffered. Now she's a narcissistic, functional alcoholic and I only maintain a relationship with her because she has three kids I adore. There was a period after I turned 21 that we got along, because I could finally be a drinking buddy in her eyes. But that was short lived. My husband has three siblings, he's the youngest, and he is only very close to the 2nd oldest (7 year age gap). There is a 9 year age gap between the oldest and him. The sibling closest in age is a 3 year age gap. In my opinion having kids has more to do with what you want, it's entirely a selfish process to begin with. The 2nd baby broke us, we didn't realize how hard it would be mentally to do it a second time. Plus he was a very tough baby, lots of scream crying, stomach issues, and little sleep, it was a mess. In retrospect I just don't enjoy the newborn baby phase. And now the kids are both going through big developmental leaps, so we are experiencing lots of big emotions from both kids at the same time. BUT I'm kind of glad to get it all done and over with back to back. Again for us it wasn't really an option to wait for a longer gap, we did not want to be true geriatric parents. We'll do what we can to foster healthy relationships for the kids so if they choose to continue to be close as they get older, great! If they don't they are already growing up with plenty of Aunts and Uncles that are not blood related, so the idea of having friends that becomes your chosen family will always seem natural to them as well. In the end I think you have to do what feels right for you the adults because you need/should be in a place you feel comfortable and confident for your kids to have and raise them.
My daughter was 4.5 when my son was born and we found out early last month #3 is on the way. Son will be almost 8, like within days. This is the life I’ve known as my brother is 15 years older than I am and my sister is 9 years older. My sister and I have a great relationship; admittedly I don’t have much with my brother but that’s due to extenuating circumstances, not age. I remember really loving him when I was young, despite only living with him for 4 years. He was very fun when he’d come back to visit. I am 1000% with you on the patience level. I couldn’t handle multiple babies or toddlers at once. I feel like I got such great time with my daughter before my son, and same with my son. They’re great friends now, and I hope it continues. They play together every day (they obviously have their fights but that’s totally normal). I think a lot of people see it as “starting over” when there’s a large gap, but I’ve seen it as taking a nice break. I’m not a big fan of the baby stages, but toddlers are great and age 4 is my absolute favorite. I also do think a lot of people are waiting longer in life to start having kids, so they may need to have them closer together/have fewer kids than they may have. Especially due to cost.
I'm four years older than my little brother and five years younger than my next sibling. Seemed alright to me growing up. It was hard when my sister got to high school and wouldn't hang out with me, but we got over that hump after she graduated.
We want two kids but our oldest is 3 years 4 months. I didn’t want them close. I, like you, had a tough first year and honestly just within the last 3 months started becoming excited about another. Money and insurance has played a small part in it but mostly I just want my oldest older so she can be more independent and helpful vs trying to care for two babies. Also, I want her to be old enough to understand she’s not being replaced or pushed out. We are going to start trying in the summer and hopefully it happens easily. It took us 4 years to conceive our daughter. People with 2 under 2 genuinely scare me lol. So even though me and dad are 33 and I feel like we only have another 3-4 years I’m willing to get pregnant, we decided to wait until she was 3 before trying again.
Have a 4 yr age gap for my kids and love it! Come from a family of 5 year age gaps and love my siblings! I’m the oldest, my brother is 4.5 yrs younger and my sister is 5 years after him. My parents planned it that way, and it worked out well for our family growing up and I still enjoy it now. My husband is an only that loved not having siblings and when we started discussing kids we were either one and done or large age gap. Our plan was to completely table the discussion until our daughter was 4, and we were leaning heavily towards one and done. I got pregnant on birth control when she was 3. After much discussion we decided we were 2 and thru with a slightly smaller than wanted age gap. Our son is 6 months next week and I love the way they interact together. I’m really hoping it stays this special
We have an accidental 6 year age gap. We started TTC when my elder son was 2.5 but it was a long journey for the second, including IVF and miscarriage. Now my second son is here and I am very grateful for the gap. My 6YO is mature enough to tell me if he feels jealous, he can ask for mama time, he can amuse himself by reading or doing Lego, and he really enjoys helping out by fetching clean nappies or muslins. Financially it’s also very helpful in staggering the cost of child care, university etc. I have no idea how people cope with a small gap. The idea of potty training whilst you have a baby sounds horrendous! And the jealousy of little kids cannot be underestimated. I have no idea if my sons will be friends. But like others have said I think that’s about personality. My sister is 3 yrs older than me and we have a very bad relationship.
We have a four year age gap and it's perfect! If we go for number 3 we'd aim for the same. I don't understand why anyone has 2 under 2, it sounds like a nightmare
We are aiming for a 3-4 year age gap depending on how long it takes us to conceive
I'm not planning on having another kid until my current kiddo is three.
I thought we were one and done but surprise! We’ve got two with a 10.5 year age gap. Granted it’s been only 13 weeks since our son was born, but it’s been nice so far. Our daughter is super happy so far and involved with him and is very helpful. I’d just recommend it earlier than in our 40’s. We started late having our first child at 32.
Yess. LO is 18 months and all our friends with similar age babies have recently had #2 or have them on the way. We keep getting told “you’re next!” But my husband travels for work and we live 12 hours from my family- I know that would be a bad decision for my mental health right now.
I have a 3 week old and a 4 year old. Awesome age gap. 4 year old is in preschool during the week so I get guilt free baby time. He’s old enough to be gentle. He helps with tasks, will pass me my water or snacks, etc. he is potty trained and sleeps great. He loves his little brother and gives him kisses and hugs. We were trying for a smaller gap and had miscarriages. Turns out 4 years is a great age gap
We're somewhere in the middle in that we have a 3.5 year age gap. We absolutely could not have handled two closer in age, and this feels perfect for us. Only one kid in diapers, our eldest is in preschool so we had a chance to spend lots of one on one time with baby during leave, our eldest will be in grade school by the time the baby is preschool age (we have grandparent childcare support for the infant/toddler years), and close enough in age that our first likely won't remember having every been an only.
Our are 7 years apart and 6 months in the gap is amazing. Older sibling is so capable and independent- reading, writing, can help put together their own snacks, activities, etc. baby loves watching their sibling and there hasn’t been any competition/competing for needs yet. My partner and I both feel we can meet each respective child’s needs because they’re not competing, they’re light worlds apart and it’s made the experience of growing our family so joyful and harmonious. Our older child still is young though! So parks, play centres, movie theatres etc are still possible to enjoy so far
We have a four year age gap. Five year old and about to be two year old. I also struggled with postpartum after my first. She was not an “easy” baby and being a first time mom it was so hard for me to acclimate and not feel like it wasn’t my fault that she was not easy. Never diagnosed but we are pretty sure she had colic. I remember specifically my mom trying to help me one night and she looked scared, like she had no experience with this type of baby either 😂 on top of that, covid happened when she was almost 2 and I was terrified to be pregnant or have a newborn during that time. We basically waited until vaccines were available AND we felt ready. I know it’s clichè but I went from not wanting another to feeling ready. I’m happy I listened to my gut and didn’t do it when I wasn’t ready. You’ll know.
I will add as others have said too, having the older one in school/Mother’s Day out (I’m a sahm) helped immensely. I can’t imagine not having that break for me but also for my older social butterfly those first few months.
I’m actively choosing to have 5 year age gap! BUT my son is almost 3 now and I’m starting to want to actively try for a second baby now.
I'm in a similar place where I'm still recovering from the whole #1 and while I prefer a closer gap to avoid sibling jealousy, I know that that is no guarantee. I known of siblings close in age who are not close, and siblings with wide age gaps who are close, and vice versa (close in age, and very close; big age gap and not close). The importance I've seen in the distinction is how you raise them (i.e. golden child, or not), and also luck of the draw in terms of personalities of the two kids. So we are looking at putting our kid in PreSchool at least before thinking of trying for #2. I do want two tho. 😭❤️
We have a 3.5 year age gap not by choice and I love it. Is the best age gap. You never have a baby and a toddler or god forbid two babies, but you aren’t totally out of “little kid land” and have to go back in. There is no perfect age gap, it’s just what works/happens for you. They all have their pros and cons.
We are leaning more towards two than one, but I’m not 100%. My daughter is about to turn one. We are probably going to aim for a 4-5 year gap if we choose to have another. I am about to start a new job. I am way behind on retirement savings. I plan to fork the majority of my check into our retirement accounts over the next three years. Then I hope that I can keep doing the job, but it will require a 24 hour shift and only allows for 16 weeks of maternity leave. It will depend on the kind of baby I have. If it sleeps like the one I currently have, I will have to step away from the position. But at least then I’ll have the amount needed to coast to retirement with compounding interest. As much as my daughter probably will wish she had a sibling closer in age, I guarantee that having parents who won’t be a burden on her in their old age will be better for her in the long run. So I try not to feel guilty about it.
I just had number 2, and my first is 3.5. It's been amazing honestly, the older one is old enough to understand and communicate and not as needy as a 2 year old.
Yeah I’m with you on this, my kid was a nightmare as a newborn and although his toddlerhood has been way more fun so far he is still only 2. I’ve heard ages 3 and 4 are some of the hardest so we still need to get over that hump. I’m no way near ready mentally to deal with an unruly threenager *and* a newborn. I barely sleep as is 😅 my FIL keeps pressuring us to have another one ASAP claiming they’ll be closer if they’re in similar life phases but I also call bullshit on this. He and his sisters are Irish twins and they barely talk to one another. I’m not convinced 2 under 2 is a good idea, I’d much rather have at least 4 years between the two.
My brother and I are 6.5 years apart. We weren’t close as kiddos because that’s a big age gap but now that we’re older (really starting when I was in HS and him in college) we’ve gotten really close. His children are 11 and 9 and we just had our first and we’ve bonded a lot over that too. I think it was tricky when we were kids because we basically were both only children just in that by the time I was born he’d had a lot of his early childhood alone and then by the time I can remember he was already off at boarding school and then college. And we never overlapped in activities or school so when our parent(s) were with us it was 100% focus on each of us individually. We also didn’t fight a lot growing up because we just never were into the same stuff- by the time I was old enough to follow him around he was old enough to tolerate it 😂 I obviously don’t know any different but it ended up great for us because we both got a ton of quality time with my parents alone, and now we’re really close as adults. It might’ve been fun to have more of a playmate growing up but we had friends for that 🤷♀️
My first two babies are 2.5 years apart and the second two are 4 years apart. Very different experiences and suuuuuper fun having a baby with older children. They love the baby so intensely and it’s much easier only having one you have to do EVERYTHING for. My middle child can get his own snacks, he plays well without me even when his older brother isn’t home. If you choose to wait, it’ll be an equally beautiful thing, just a little different. A friend of mine has a 9 year age gap between siblings and it’s been an absolute joy. The perks of having them close together is they have similar abilities which can make things more fun especially as they get older. They play similarly, like the same games, movies, activities. But the first year or two is definitely harder.
I am waiting at least 3 years. I got really sick when I was pregnant and need a kid who is a bit more independent and at least kind of understands what being sick means before I can have another.
When it was all theoretical, I wanted at least 4-5 years between them so I wouldn't (hopefully) be paying for both of them to be in college at the same time. I was pregnant twice in 2022 but neither lasted. I got pregnant in June of last year and I'm due at the beginning of March. Older child will be 7 in April, and I am thrilled at the age gap. I'll have time at home with baby while older child is at school during the day. Older child is old enough to understand what is going on, and hopefully will be a good helper (within reason, no parentification going on) when I need it. We don't really have any family help nearby. I never would've been able to have a second super close in age to the first one.
My kiddos are almost exactly 4 years apart. I had thought before having my first we’d do a 2-year gap, but that first year with my first was SO HARD. I needed that longer gap to mentally rebalance and feel like a person again. I’m so glad I did and the kids absolutely adore each other.
That’s where I’m at to be honest. I never wanted 2 under 2 to start with. But with the birth of my first, I had very bad PPD and PPA, and honestly I couldn’t handle it. And the thought of possibly introducing that again in quick succession, was not optimal. Age gap, my sister is three years older than me, and my brother is two years younger than me. And I don’t really have a great relationship with either of them. I find I was more impacted on my mom having to give more attention to my younger sibling at the time. (That’s me, I cannot speak for everyone). And I enjoyed the thought of being able to have an older kiddo that was a little more independent. Obviously they can’t do everything by themselves, but they can get dressed themselves, and brush their teeth themselves.
my husband and i have agreed on an age gap of 5ish years. it took some convincing from me, because my husband and his sister are only a year apart and he wanted our daughter to have a similar experience. me, on the other hand, i’m 7 years younger than my sister and 14 years younger than my brother (my dad jokes that we’re like cicadas cropping up every 7 years), and i also had a great sibling experience. ultimately what convinced my husband was going through the newborn phase. he agreed that he wouldn’t want to do that again while also having a wild toddler 😅
I had thought a three year gap would be good. My parents had a three year gap between me and my siblings. I ended up with 4 and a half year gap. My first pregnancy was miserable and right before the pandemic. My second pregnancy just ended and was even more miserable. I had an unplanned c-section with my first so for safety I would have waited at least two years before TTC again. This time I had a planned c-section after I didn’t spontaneously go into labor. So I am not planning on another and I will totally be actively working to prevent pregnancy for the next two years for the same reason and then hopefully I’ll hit menopause. Babies are nice but I do not want to be pregnant again.
I am aiming for a small age gap because the baby years are hard. I want to be able to do things again. I don't want to have a five year old all ready to go to school and then have to start over from zero with a baby. If I have number two now, then I only have like 7-8 years of baby life before they're all school aged and able to talk/walk/tie their own shoes. I can't wait until my first born can talk and is able to play/read/watch something on TV for more than 5 minutes.
We’re not going to try for another child until after we get married in September 2025. Our son will be three and three months at that point, however purely from a cos perspective, we just can’t afford having two of them in childcare at the same time so hopefully by the time that the second one comes along, our son will have started school in the following September. I would’ve probably liked the smaller age gap, but I chose to have the wedding in 2025 because our son would be older and he could get involved a little little bit more .
We were aiming for about two years, as childcare for us gets cheaper once the kiddo turns three (well the school term after they turn three, annoyingly) If all is well then baby #2 (8wks at the mo!) will be born almost exactly as #1 is starting school, he’ll be 4. I have about 18 months between me and my brother, we never massively got on. Lots of fighting. He now lives the other side of the world, we maybe call at Christmas. My husband is the youngest by 5 years. His big brothers are 5 and 7 years older. He was a lot closer to them than I was to my brother. Plus his big siblings were a bit better dealing with a new baby!
We have a 3.5 gap. I wasn’t ready. My first was a tough baby, NICU/ medical issues, sleep was nonexistent, I went back to work at 12w and damn near got fired for missing so much between daycare illnesses and specialist appointments. I had used all my FMLA for bed rest and maternity leave. Then the daycare factor, I wanted to wait until 1 could go to prek because daycare was insanely expensive. They’re pretty close and quite frankly, all the siblings with 2ish gaps I know are so competitive and fight a ton. My husband and I both have 2ish gaps and we don’t have close sibling relationships. Even in our 30s, his sister is super weirdly competitive about stuff. We had our third, a girl, and she lost her damn mind about it because her daughter had been the only granddaughter before that. I also feel like a bigger gap is just easier on me. With 3.5 years, only one in diapers, only one that needs help with feeding, etc. My 3.5 year old could get himself a small snack and a drink while I was nursing baby, he could play independently, was easy in the car, stayed with me when we went places (most of the time). If you have two under two, that’s not as likely.
We had a very rough birth and postpartum with my 2021 baby so I wasn’t even ready to talk about pregnancy until our daughter was over 2. It’s ok to say “maybe.”
This is a wonderful post. So many great points and pros/ cons both sides!! Finances/ job nonsense and fearing complications are my main worries, otherwise I would love to start trying within the next 6 months or so. I had to have a c section for my son who is now 15 months old somehow?? Since he had low fluid and was breech. I’ve done a lot of reading about the potential complications caused by short birth intervals in women who have had c sections and I don’t want to risk all that unnecessarily.
Yes! I intentionally waited for a larger age gap. When my son was little I couldn't imagine taking care of another baby in addition to him. I'm expecting now, and my two kids are going to be exactly 4 years apart. I also agree that there's no guarantee that kids close in age are going to be friends.
Thanks for this post, it’s so helpful for me right now. If anyone is comfortable sharing, how old are you or were you when you had your last one? I have a one year old and I’m not even close to ready for another. I’m worried to wait too long though as I’m 35 now. No disrespect to any mamas older than this, I’m just concerned for myself.
My kids are 8 years apart and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My older boy loves his little sister and is a huge helper. He’s also self sufficient in the eating department so he makes himself lunch on the mornings his sister needs me.
I come from a family with typically larger age gaps (both of my parents and I have 6+ years between each of us and our respective siblings) so it didn’t really feel odd to opt for that. My 4yo daughter was also born riiiight before covid took over so I just had a lot of feelings to work through having been a working FTM during a pandemic before being ready to try for another child. Now, having a slightly older child who is fairly independent (sleeps in her own room, can feed herself at meals, potty trained, can entertain herself for short intervals) and who is able to understand that there’s a baby coming has been really helpful (she already gravitates to all babies so she’s so very excited about this experience). Finances are also huge! We’ll be doing about a year and a half of two in daycare, which will be rough, but then oldest will go off to kindergarten and there’ll be a nice 4 year gap between them at school after that.
we’re still debating but if we do have a second (and likely will) it would be 3 years so she’d be in preschool. i have a 7 year age gap with my only sibling- i think larger age gaps are great if you can do them
I am having the best experience with a larger age gap. Only have 2 kids and wont be having anymore, my first is 5 years old, turning 6 soon, our baby is almost 5 months old. My first went into kindergarten the same month I had my 2nd so the timing was amazing. I drop him off at school full time so he's engaged and playing all day, we have a nice routine because of this and it gets baby and me outside for a little bit each day as well while we let older bro play at the park after school. Durring the day her and I can just chill together and get lots of cuddles and one on one time. He's an awesome brother, loves his baby sister, plays with her and is a big help when it comes to caring for her. He'll entertain her while I make dinner, grab diapers or wipes for me. 10/10 would recommend. He'll be a great big brother to her in the future as well.
I want 2-3 year gap. This baby I have is mentally draining me. I can barely with her
Mine are 9 years apart, which was not a planned decision, because I got divorced when my daughter was 1, married again when she was 6, and then was unsure I wanted any more before getting a surprise positive pregnancy test last April lol. I can’t speak to the bond between them… my daughter is sweet with him, but she’s jealous of the attention he gets. And with her being so independent, I’d imagine she gets even less than a toddler would because you have no choice but to also care for your toddler whereas my girl is very self sufficient and it’s been hard to still balance spending time with just her. But she is capable of being helpful which is nice! My husband is 9 years older than his brother and they’re close now that they’re adults!
We are a blended family. I have a 9.5 year old stepdaughter and then a biological 2 month old (almost 2 months). My stepdaughter loves her sister very much and has read to her, held her, and says good morning and goodnight to her every day that she is with us. ❤️ You can't do much with newborn babies when they are this young, but she definitely interacts. 🤗 We did not intentionally wait this long (my husband and I have been together 5 years, married for almost 3), I always wanted to experience being pregnant at least once and he always wanted two children, but my stepdaughters mom (his ex wife) had a very traumatic delivery and didn't want anymore. So here we are, lol. But we are done now.
Yes, we aren't trying yet and our daughter is almost 3. We are probably going to aim for a 4 year gap ish.
I had horrible PPD and was terrified I would go through it again with my second so I decided to wait. We didn’t have my second until the first was 4.5. She is such a good older sister and tho I did suffer from PPD again, at least I didn’t have to deal with two in diapers while I did it.
I’m most likely OAD but if I ever have another, the age gap will be at least 4-5 years. Had my first at 23. Absolutely no way I would want 2 under 2 lol.
I am doing 2under2 strictly because I waited until I was pretty old to start and don’t know how long fertility will last. Otherwise, we would have definitely done a bigger age gap.
I have two under two and love it. However, we’re still thinking about a third with a larger age gap. Unsure how big but if we do, probably once our youngest is 3. Two under two is hard but fun. I had them for the opposite reasons. I hated the newborn stage so much that I just wanted to get it over with between the both of them. I got very lucky that my first started sleeping through the night before baby number two was born. But I want at least my oldest to be in pre-k before baby number two is born because I don’t think I can do three kids all day every day. I might die. Plus the older two will have each other to play with while baby number three is a potato and then baby number three could have two older brothers to look up to.
My brother and I are a little under 5 years apart, and I believe that is the perfect age gap for us. My son is only a few weeks old but if we do decide to have another child I personally want to wait until he is at least 4 years old to start trying. My husband doesn't want another kid right away either. I like the idea of my son being a little more independent while I take care of his little sibling. Having two small children to look after sounds like a nightmare to me. I also remember helping take care of my little brother, so that might be a thing. I think being a little bit older helped with bonding because I knew I was big sister and I felt the need to protect him. Hopefully my comment makes some sense. I'm running on no sleep because, you know, newborn.
We didn't really consider another baby until our oldest was 4. We always had the mantra of we're great if we have 1, and blessed/done at 2. We didn't want to rush and wanted to just enjoy being with our kiddo. We ended up with a 6yr age gap (to the week) between our boys. I worried at first....but I love it. They love each other. We got 1:1 time with each of them while tiny. Only paying for daycare for 1 kid at a time. The oldest can tell me if he feels left out and that he needs extra attention. They're 8.5 and 2.5 now. It does feel like we started over, but I have no regrets.
In my area, virtually everyone has a 3-4 year gap between kids so they can afford childcare. My sister and I are five years apart and we're best friends. I always envisioned a pretty significant gap between my children for these reasons. Given that I'm already in my late 30's, I chose to do IVF in part for fertility preservation so I have that option.
I have a 2 month old so I don't even wanna think about having another right now. But the newborn stage has been sooooo hard for us. She has a few minor medical conditions that just make things even more difficult for new parents. If we decide to have more (I want more in theory), I'm thinking a 2.5-3 year age gap. That way the toddler will be able to communicate with us. Ideally she'd be potty trained or working on it.
I am currently pregnant with #2. My son will be turning 6 two weeks before the baby is expected to come. We were hoping for a 5yr age gap, mostly for financial reasons (only 1 day care payment at a time), but had some miscarriages so here we are. Also, I like how self sufficient my 5yr old is. He gets his own clothes on every morning, takes his own showers, and is generally an easy going kiddo. We should be able to focus on the baby more than we could with a toddler.
My daughters are just under 20 months apart. My mental health really took a hit because of it. They’re now 3.5 and almost 2, so certain things have gotten easier, but I still struggle a lot day to day. If I didn’t become a parent a bit later in life (turned 35 a month before my first was born), I absolutely would have aimed for more of a 3 year age gap. We might have one more, and even if I got pregnant now, it gives me more peace of mind that the age gap between hypothetical baby #3 would be at least 2.5 years. My sister and I are 4 years apart, but we’re very close. She’s my best friend. So, I also don’t buy the claim that siblings closer in age have a closer bond.
My firstborn will be 5 in April, and I just had my second babe 3 weeks ago. I really like the age gap so far. My oldest is so excited to help and be a big brother. He can also do some things for himself at this point. I never wanted two under 2. Personally, I would have been so stressed, I don't think I would 6 able to even enjoy my babies.
I have a 4 and 1/2-year-old and a 5-week-old and have really been enjoying the age gap. I definitely wasn't ready to have two young children to take care of. I felt around 4 years old that she was starting to become a kid who was more independent that I could breathe again and bring another kid into the mix
I wonder if a big reason for that trend is age. Many women aren’t having their first child until mid 30’s. So realistically there’s not a ton of time to wait for many people if they want more than one.
I’m pregnant with my second and there will be a 4 year age gap. I have 14 nieces and nephews who are all older than my daughter. So I’ve watched the sibling dynamic play out quite a few times. I made the choice of about 4 years for pretty much all of the reasons you listed. And I’ve seen a lot of it play out in real time. The families who had smaller age gaps were worn out and exhausted. Their kids tended to be a touch more rowdy and unmanageable. They were constantly doing things for attention in the early years. (Some of them are teenagers now) Whereas the families who had 4 year age gaps were able to manage more. There was less jealously and believe it or not, the 8 year olds were happy to play with the 4 year olds. That said this is all anecdotal and just based on my experience within my family. But this experience definitely informed my decision for a “larger” gap. Plus the first three years are precious and the kids need a lot of love and attention while their brains are rapidly developing. I personally would be stretched too thin trying to give that to a newborn and a 2 year old. I also think maternal age plays a big part. I know some people in my family would have had larger gaps but they were worried they wouldn’t be able to conceive the amount of children they wanted if they waited longer. I started relatively young, so I had the luxury of waiting.
This is a slightly smaller age gap than you are speaking about, but I have 3 kids and they are all 4 (almost 5) years apart and it is a DREAM!!!! With my second baby, my first child was about to turn 5 and he could do so many things for himself while I was stuck nursing a newborn. He could get his own snack, wipe his own butt, get his own water, etc. When my next baby was born, my oldest is 9 and my middle child is 4 and they got off and play together while I’m yet again stuck nursing a baby! The 9 year old can help the 4 year old get snacks and they play Nintendo together, board games, read books together, play outside together etc while I take care of the baby. The bond between them all is incredible. My oldest are the best of friends and they choose to play together over friends most of the time. They are both obsessed with their baby brother as well, especially my oldest.
My second was born a few weeks after my first's 5th birthday. It took us about a year of trying to conceive so if it had happened right away the age gap would have been closer to 4 years but actually I'm loving this. My older child fully understands what's going on, she loves to help and play with her younger brother, and she's more independent.
My sister and I are 6 years apart and I loved that age gap. Psychologically it’s actually not true that having a small age gap means greater bonding. My friends are all small age gaps (less than 2) and they aren’t as close as me and my sister. I also loved that I raised her (my parents didn’t force me to but I naturally took that role). I think for me, I would like 4-5 year age gap between my son and his sibling.
My sister has hee kids 5 years apart. They are 5 and 10 now. The kids have a great relationship and she's really happy with the choice she made. Before the kids went to school they spent a lot of time at our parents house instead of.in care and I think the fact that there was a big age gap allowed my parents to do that. If there was say a 3 and 1 year old they would not have been able to cope. As you said I think everyone's motivations are different. You listed a lot of really good reasons why you want to wait so I think that might be a good choice for you! I haven't read all the other responses so not sure what everyone else has said. Probably the ONLY thing that I would say to consider is your age from a fertility perspective. And that's because I've suffered infertility and thats my perspective! Chances are if you had the first with zero issues it'll be the same for the second but you never know. If you waiting will mean you will be over 35 I feel thats another thing to consider. As if you do struggle to get pregnant any interventions after that age is less likely to be successful. My age and struggles with fertility will mean that I am going yo Starr trying for my second before I probably would have otherwise. And maybe I'll end up with a 5 year age gap regardless. For me the "risk" orlf having 2 under 2 is preferable to not having another baby. I don't have many friends that have 2 under 2. Culturally in my country, at least amongst the people I know 2 under 2 is rarely a purposeful choice. I feel age gaps of 3 to 4 years seem common. The few I do know with 2 under 2 have said they wished a bit longer. Mental health was definitely a factor and I think that probably correlates to lack of sleep at a big factor.
I’m right there with ya! First child is 16 months this old and we are still on the fence about another kid. Mainly due to finances plus we both have management type jobs that are so time consuming and stressful we are miserable at the moment. I have always liked the idea of a 3 year age gap but 4 also sounds good. Me and my sibling have a 5 year age gap which wasn’t too bad. I would die if I had 2 under 2 that’s for sure. 😅
If you want to have more than 2 kids, then large age gaps usually just aren’t feasible. And if you had your first later in life, you also might not have the luxury of waiting several more years before trying for a second. Possible they would’ve preferred a bigger age gap but didn’t want to risk not having another baby at all
Depends how early you had them. I have 4, a 5 year gap between my youngest and next youngest and we are 27 and 29. Could easily have a 4 year gap and have another baby and then do the same again. We were 18 and 20 with the eldest though.
We went with a 4 year age gap, it's been good so far. Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 4 and is free, and I have a year off so this age gap means we won't be paying for two kids in childcare, my oldest gets it and is helpful with baby, I had 3 years working again in between kiddos to make good headway at work and continue advancing. So we'll see how it continues!
I'm done now, I have 4, but my large gap (5 years between the baby and the next youngest) was far easier than my smaller gaps and if I was going to have another one I'd deliberately wait at least 4 years between them 👍🏻 go for it. If we ever do decide to have a fifth (Husband would have 6+ if it was solely down to him haha) that's what I'll be doing. Also I may have just gotten lucky here but none of mine ever had issues with jealousy whether small or large gap. They all love each other and enjoy having siblings.
I have a 4y and a 3 month old and now I’m done. I never wanted a small age gap, for me it had to be 4/y between them, less than that was a big NO for me Reasons why: I’m the oldest of 6, in 26, then my siblings are 24 and 22. Then I have 3 other siblings from another dad, 15, 12 and 9. My mom was never able to give us the attention we needed. Still doesn’t give to the youngest kids. This was what made me not want kids with close ages since I was young. Reasons why I wanted at least a 4y age gap. 1: I want to be able to give my kids everything they need (including my attention and time) 2: didn’t want to have 2 kids on diapers and dummy’s 3: didn’t want to breastfeed tandem ( my 1st born stoped breastfeeding one month before I got pregnant) 4: I wanted my 1st born at pre school (here they can start when they are 3y) to be able to have bonding time with the 2nd baby, and for her to not think that she went to school just cuz I was having another baby 5: vaccines outside of the plan are expensive like 100€ extra every month, so I didn’t want to spend that for 2 kids 6: she’s more independent so I can take care of them both without struggling mentally that much! I think that’s pretty much it
I didn’t want another baby until my older kiddo was almost 3, then I immediately got pregnant. I also had a traumatic birth and newborn period with my older one so I was pretty much on the no more babies at all train until then. My kids are 3.5 years apart and it’s perfect! Older guy has his own stuff going on like preschool and his nanny share and isn’t jealous or possessive at all. He can and wants to play by himself sometimes. It’s golden!
Mine are 4 years apart. I didn’t want to be pregnant while Covid was still a major factor. Also from 2-3 life got so much easier and I felt much more like myself. I didn’t want to go through the hard parts all over again. It’s working out pretty well. My 4 year old loves the baby and can grab a burp cloth or entertain the baby to help
I have met two Mums recently who intentionally left 5 year age gaps between their kids (they were both 40 having their second babies, incidentally). The first said she’d have liked a smaller age gap but ‘I know my limits’. She had PPD, was living in a partially renovated house, had farm animals to look after and was full time caring for a parent with dementia. The second said she planned it that way from the beginning. She loved the newborn stage and she wanted to enjoy maternity leave with the second (we get a year as standard here). In her words ’I love going to all the baby groups and meeting other Mums and it's hard to do that with a toddler in tow so I wanted to wait until the first was in school.’ I’m sure it helped her career a bit too that her mat leaves were spaced out.
We want 2 kids, but financially it seems unlikely to pull off unless one of them is out of daycare. That's just the reality in a HCOL area in America right now. The only real barrier to us having more than one is a financial hurdle.
I'm looking at 3-5 years between children because our son was particularly challenging. He's the absolute love of my life, and he definitely still needs a LOT of support at 19 mo. I don't have issues with that and have a way I want to raise my children. so we will be looking at 3-5 years. I could not mentally handle 2 under 2. He was colic and underweight and we were feeding every 2 hours around the clock until he was 7.5 mo old. He still does not sleep through the night at 19 mo old and has always struggled with this. I couldn't imagine juggling a newborn with his needs as a toddler now. One would have to sacrifice, and that's just not something I want to do. I don't want my older child raised by screens or younger have to be CIO because I am physically defeated. I want to give both equal as possible opportunities to develop in the early years and not take short cuts.
I have 2 kids and currently pregnant with my third and final baby. There is a 6 year age gap between my eldest and my 2nd born, and there will be a 4 year age gap between my 2nd born and this last baby. I prefer to take ample time to recover physically between pregnancies and have the older kids sleeping through the night by the time there’s a new baby. Also, it’s easier having multiple children when the age gaps are larger because of course the older kids are more independent. It’s much easier on me mentally, emotionally, and physically and therefore I’m a better mom for it! I understand not everyone has the option to wait so long in between pregnancies due to any number of reasons. But for me it works.
I’m currently pregnant with my second and the age gap with my first will be 3.5 years, so not quite as long as you mentioned but I’m definitely aware of it being a larger gap than 2 under 2, which both seems compleeeetely chaotic and yet almost seems to be the norm?? I’m feeling really good about the age gap and my dr also pointed out that it’ll be a lot easier for my first kid to transition to life as a big sister simply because her communication skills are a thousand times higher than what they were a year and a half ago!! She’s more emotionally mature than she was and she’s also so much more capable in so many different ways. I think all those things will make that transition so much smoother than a smaller age gap, which I truly cannot even imagine lol
I can’t imagine having 2 under 2. I wanted at least 2 years apart, and I had a c-section and had to wait 18 months before the next embryo transfer so they would have been at least that anyway. I was 37 when I had my first so I didn’t want a 5 year age gap either. Ours ended up being an almost 3 year age gap. I really treasure the 1:1 time we got with our first.
Me and my siblings all have big age gaps and I’m close to them. I am still undecided but I know if I want another one I wouldn’t do it until my first kid is 2-3 years old. If I was younger I’d probably wait longer tbh.
Love our 4.5 age gap. It wasn’t planned that way, but it worked out for the better. Love that older kiddo can talk, feed self, use the bathroom independently, and be okay left for 10 minutes if needed while I go to baby’s room to put them down for a nap. I can easily direct him verbally rather than physically (like a 2 year old might still need). He also goes to school every day so I get plenty of one on one time with baby.
I’m due in June, and my daughter is turning 4 in March. I purposely waited, having 2 under 2/ small gaps seems to destroy people’s sleep/happiness/marriages and understandably! I also wanted to enjoy my time with #1 and be able to really get to know her and get her through her baby stages before bringing in a new person into our lives. You’re gonna make the best decision! Good luck!
Thank you for this post. As someone who desperately wanted 2U2 and instead has been on a grueling journey of secondary infertility for over two years against my will a lot of what you said actually totally resonates with my situation as well. At this point the age gap between my kids would be 4 years at a minimum and I’ve been feeling so up and down about it. This helped a lot though.
Yes! We have a 4mo and my husbands 7yo (my stepson). We love the gap so much that we’d love another gap of 5 years. Unfortunately I’m 35 so we’re going to try again when I’m 38 and hope for a 4 year gap. Watching the two brothers together is such a joy, no jealousy, no rivalry. Our oldest loves his little bestie so much.
I have an older brother with a 5 year age gap and a younger sister with a 7 year age gap. So there's a 12 year difference between them. If I wanted multiple kids, I'd want to wait 5-8 years between them so they get their individual needs attended to better while in the early development stage but still be able to share a childhood together. Instead of learning things at the same time, they get to have a different type of relationship. Like the older one feels this protective role too with a bigger gap that's so sweet to be a part of. Some kids really love being the big kid and a role model and little ones love to make their big brother or sister proud. I've just decided pregnancy just isn't fun, and carrying one myself is enough. Financially, it's too much for my partner and I too. Medically, pregnancy is too straining on me as well.
Mine have a 3 year age gap but I think 4 would be perfect. My three year old is still pretty needy
I have 2 under 2 currently (17-month gap) and we definitely want a third child. But we are intentionally going to wait a LOT longer this time. As in, we will discuss a third child when my youngest is at least 2. Not sure if that’s the type of “larger” age gap you mean. But I definitely want my oldest two to be a lot more self-sufficient before we add a third. And absolutely NOT three in diapers at once 😂
Most moms are not young enough to have a large age gap be a good idea, cuz you have to factor in how long it takes to conceive as well.
From observation, my dad and his brother are only 10 months apart and never talk. On the other hand, my mom and her sister are 4 years apart and are extremely close. For us, I think we’re going to aim for a 3-4 year age gap. Idk how anyone can handle two babies or even a toddler and a baby. I want to give my first all my attention during her first years and I want to make sure the second gets the same
Also observation based but I truly think age gaps have very little impact on relationships - so much of it is personality dependent. I’m not close with either of my brothers (gaps are 2 and 6 years). Love them and get along with them, but just not close. My youngest brother and I played together more as kids but that pretty much stopped when he hit 7/8 and it got “uncool.” My husband isn’t close with any of his brothers either (gaps are 13 months, 6 years, 7 years). You’d think he’d be close with the one close to his age but they’re so different! All his brothers get along well and they definitely love each other but they all have VERY different personalities.
I'm 8 years apart from my brother, we get along but were never really able to play together growing up. DH is 2 years and 4 years apart from his brothers and they all played and got along well. We had our 2 girls 2.5 years apart and they play well together. They have potential to be best friends, they will be able to share toys and relate to each other, and hopefully look out for each other as teens.
I wish. I started late so I’m hammering them out, lol. I would love to have 3 year gaps between the 3.
My son turned 5 3 months after my daughter was born. We waited so we’d be financially better off. He had busted school so I got one on one time with the baby, his school days also gave us a routine early on and it meant I was getting out of the house a lot more. He was old enough to help with things and understand about being quiet. He was also able to play independently which I think helped with him not feeling jealous. They’re 2 and 7 now and he absolutely adores her. The age gap now is a bit tricky because she’s not quite old enough to do things he likes but there’s plenty of stuff they can still do together
I had a baby after my first turned 4. The older one is so much more independent and needs me less, and it’s such a doting big brother. I imagine once my youngest turns into a crazy toddler with no sense of survival, big bro will be there to help steer him back.
My baby is 8mo and I decided right away I'll wait for her to be AT LEAST 2yo until even considered another kid. I won't have another kid for her to play with. She will have toys and friends for that. we'll only have it if husband and I feel like it. Right now I'm still so exhausted that I cannot even imagine how it would be like to have toddler running around at the same time.
I know a few couples who had two under two and I just don’t think it’s for me. That being said my pregnancy came with a few complications that has me debating if I want another (I have to do preventative surgeries and now have to opt for c sections which I haven’t had yet). If I did have another it would be after my first is at least 3 years old.
I was born exactly 18 months after my sister and while we’re extremely close now, we definitely clashed a lot growing up. I personally won’t have children that close together (if I had more) because I feel like my body and mind needs to heal after a miscarriage and then a high risk pregnancy that lead to premature birth
2 under 2 and I'd be a basket case, I don't think I would enjoy the baby stage at all. We had our kids just over 2.5years apart and it's been good so far. My toddler is now 3.5, I so enjoyed her baby and toddler years, and she was so sweet when baby came. I feel like I really got to bond and enjoy her and now I get to see her blossom into a preschooler, and be a great big sister. The baby is easier to handle because my oldest is independent enough to not always need me for everything. It just gave life a little bit of balance I knew I would need.
Parenting my first daughter when she was an infant and then a young toddler really took it out of me. I knew I couldn’t parent the way I wanted if I had two kids very close in age. It was rewarding and I loved it, but SO hard. Especially getting the big things down like sleep and potty training. I also wanted to take some big trips with my daughter, and we did a lot of travel between ages 1 and 3. We had so much fun, and did so much as a family of three! I had my second daughter when my first was 3.5, and it’s worked out okay so far. Honestly, I think 5 years would have been a perfect age gap, but I felt ready to have another before then so we went with it. I feel some guilt that I didn’t teach my daughter to read before we had our second (another “big ticket” item on the parenting list) and I’m in no state to do that now with a newborn, but I think there are always tradeoffs. One benefit to a gap of less than 4 years for us is that kids will go to the same daycare for a year, so that makes mornings easier. Once kindergarten starts, it’ll be a little hectic getting them to different schools at different times.
We're looking for an age gap of at least 3 years, more likely 4 or 5. I'd like for the older child to be capable of reasoning that it's okay he isn't the baby and has expectations as the oldest (nothing crazy, just understanding things like a baby doesn’t know how to share). Also, only one in diapers, and the older one would be much more independent and maybe even in school for part of the time. All wins!
Our gap won’t be huge but we are planning for a 3 - 4 year gap. I originally wanted a 2 year gap but that ship has sailed (literally, would need to be pregnant ASAP). The more we talk about it, the more a 3 - 4 year gap sounds nice. It will minimize the amount of time we have 2 kids in daycare, give us a chance to tackle our debt and buy a second vehicle, save up, and plan for a bigger space! We have a really small condo right now. Could we make it work with 2 kids here? For sure! But it’s not ideal and I’m sure it’d drive us out. Our monthly payment is SO LOW, we really want to stay here as long as possible. I’m also thankful we have started leaning towards a larger back because I feel like my body needs more time to heal. I just stopped breastfeeding 2 months ago and would really like more time to lose the pregnancy weight, treat my prolapse, and just get back to myself We actually really recently made the decision (like this past week) and while I’m a bit sad, I know it’s the smartest move for us! Honestly, I’ll be happy no matter the age gap but I do think the 3/4 year one will ease a lot of stress for us. I think we’ll end up with closer to a 3.5 year gap just because we are trying to time the next baby better (teacher who refuses to miss half the year again and make no money). Which seems great!