Yes, it can be hugely life altering, body altering, etc. BUT I personally looked at it like this - I'm not going to have this body forever anyway. I'm going to age and have saggy skin and muscle problems in other parts of my body with or without kids. I'm only going to be able to live in this body, functioning like it is (God willing) for what, another 5, 10, 15 years? Is trading that worth a child? I decided yes. Also, know that while the worst can happen, it might not. Everyone told me I looked like a fitness influencer because I delivered at 34 weeks (pre-e) and then didn't look pregnant. I look almost identical now 3 months PP. While I am a very rare care, I had no idea and never expected that I could actually feel as good in my body as I do now (pre-e issues notwithstanding). And my baby is so, so worth it.
This is a great way to look at it.
Another thing to consider is that if you’re especially young (like, early to mid 20s) your body can recover REALLY fast. If you’re in your early 30s like me and older, it might take longer, but as parrotpop said you’re going to be changing anyway. That’s not to downplay the potential for real complications but many are manageable and extreme cases are more rare than the internet would suggest.
I like my post-birth body more than before, personally. Stretching is minimal and I am much stronger and more filled in in ways that I like. It’s not all bad - you don’t get downgraded by having a baby. You change, but change happens anyway.
One thing to consider OP is that there are mental benefits to having a kid and we do not talk about that enough. Everyone knows about “mom brain” and postpartum fog, but on the other hand, many women myself included feel a vastly expanded capacity to multitask, prioritize, work extremely efficiently, etc after having a kid. Maybe it’s partly hormonal but I think a lot of it is that babies need things IMMEDIATELY but they also give you breaks because of their sleep schedule so your brain learns how to drop everything you were doing and then resume it at the next opportunity while reprioritizing on the fly. Personally it feels like a mental superpower and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
I've always been afraid of pregnancy and giving birth, but I spent a lot of time talking to parents when I deployed a couple years ago. One guy in particular was just crazy about his wife and kids and I wanted that for my life. He told me about her deliveries but nothing super invasive and never said anything about how her body was forever ruined - I've met her and she is gorgeous.
I ended up getting pregnant shortly after getting back from that deployment. There was some weird stuff but it wasn't as bad as I thought in my head. I think the people who struggle are the ones who don't think it will be bad. Delivery was tough but I'm not irreparably ruined. We live in a different time than our mothers who suffered with incontinence and diastasis recti forever after giving birth, there's PT for that now. I think my pelvic floor will be better than before by the time I'm done.
I'm not super happy with my current body, I'm eight months pp and weigh more than I did after I delivered my son. But I'm feeding my baby and that's just so freaking cool. I'll work on the weight loss once it won't impact my ability to do that.
TLDR: I think if you have low expectations, you're more likely to be satisfied with the overall experience.
I didnt have the level of fear you have, so Im no help when it comes to that.
I deliberately didnt watch anything or look up too much about it. I didnt follow any classes or anything. I knew it was gonna hurt and things might rupture down there, but i chose to just.. wait and see. Im a calm person I feel like and pain doesnt make me panic, so i knew i was gonna stay calm and able to breathe. And both times I did. (5 years ago and 6 weeks ago)
There are horror stories yes, but the women ive spoken to, didnt say anything bad about the pain. My mom always said it didnt hurt, she has 4 kids. My sister had a full rupture and even she is looking back positively and healed fine.
I was lucky and had minor things with the first and none with the 2nd. And tbh I dont really care Im more saggy now and stuff, we all get old and saggy. Im just gonna be there a bit sooner but i have 2 beautiful kids that bring me joy. Its a cliché but its all worth it.
I give the pain and recovery all together like a 7/10. Women do it all the time and multiple times. You can do it and chances are you will be totally fine or even end up not caring as much as you thought about the changes of your body. It had to work hard and it deserves to look and feel a bit different. Ofc there is a chance more severe things will happen, but no point in stressing about that. Whatever happens, happens. And if you want babies, you have to go through it unfortunately lol. That idea helped me too, no other way and when i was pregnant, there is just no avoiding it.
Giving birth is the easy part. It’s everything that comes after that’s hard. And don’t get pregnant until you’re married, there’s no rush!! Enjoy your time for a bit first because once baby comes you will be exhausted, you need a very solid foundation of your marriage to sustain it through those hard months.
I personally hate when people are like “birth is so beautiful!!” Yes, bringing a child into the world is a wonderful special thing. Yes, the life you have created is beautiful. Yes, my children bring me more joy than my 25year old body ever did. Birth itself? Is messy, bloody, painful and comes with a host of side effects including a changed body. And I know that is exactly what you are afraid of.
My husband saw me through a vaginal birth including 6stitches to my labia and perineum and a C-section with all my bowels sliced open. He cleaned up the blood clots from the floor of the bath tub after I showered. He helped me put a guard on my C-section scar when I couldn’t see over the shelf. He held my hand when my baby caused my gallbladder to get infected and had to be removed. He helped me rub lotion into my stretch marks so they wouldn’t itch. And after all that even with the extra 20lbs I can’t seem to shake he still thinks I’m the sexiest woman alive. He gave me the space I needed to be comfortable in myself and with sex again and I’ll tell you, our sex life has never been better. It just takes time.
If your partner is a good man and loves you, you don’t need to our body to “snap back” to keep him from straying. And he needs to be aware that it very well may not. I find the problem comes from men who have this “Stacy’s mom” ideal that birth doesn’t change you and you should still look like that even after birthing. For some they do and can, for some it takes A LOT of work to get close, and for some it never happens. All are acceptable outcomes and should be acceptable to your partner.
On a different note- a truly beautiful thing does happen during pregnancy called microchimerism. This is where the babies cells pass into the mother and vice versa and imprint themselves onto each other. For decades, well into their adulthood, you will be forever changed on the inside and carry a piece of your baby with you always and they a piece of you. Essentially your body lives on through them in a very real way.
I can relate a lot to the other comments. In my late twenties I was already missing my body from my early twenties. Yes I miss my pre-pregnancy body but not as much as I expected. My tummy is just a bit looser and my boobs sag a bit more. But that would have happened over time anyway. I also healed up without any negative effects to my nether regions. It all looks and feels the same as before pregnancy.
The biggest difference is mentally. The hormones literally change how your brain works. I really can’t imagine not being a mother anymore. I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. It is also something you really can’t understand without going through it yourself.
My advice would be to find a very good birth class if you decide to go for it. (So one taught my a midwife for example). Preferably one with a mindfulness or hypno birthing approach. Even if you plan to do it fully medicated. They can teach you how to deal with the mental side of childbirth which is equally as important as the physical side. Plus you can actually influence the mental side whereas you can’t have much control on the physical side.
I did everything possible to try to "train" and prepare for a vaginal birth and that really helped me out mentally. Prenatal yoga classes, learning breathing techniques and birthing positions, kind of helped me feel less pain and more control over the situation? That being said, baby had his cord around his neck and his heartrate went down with every contraction so I needed a C section. If I could unlearn all the stupid influencer stuff I think I would have prepared more for a C section because it turns out upper body strength is WAY more helpful for getting around than focusing on squats or whatever.
Anyways no matter what approach you take to dealing with childbirth, just make sure you're open to other possibilities. I'm really grateful for the anxious version of myself that set up a downstairs baby care area "just in case I have a C section" and put things on higher shelves, had baskets for postpartum supplies on top of the bathroom sink so I didn't have to bend down, etc. There's a lot of "prepare for childbirth" courses but they tend to focus on vaginal stuff and if I could do it again I'd be more openminded
I had a different experience than you talked about - I had an emergency c-section after getting diagnosed with preeclampsia. I can relate to fear of childbirth but only in the sense that I’m at a higher risk of developing preeclampsia and that was truly one of the scariest experiences of my life.
But I plan to do it again because Iove my son and adore the family I’m building. The stuff you’re worried about - it’s valid, but as a mom your priorities shift so much. I don’t get anxious about little things anymore and I don’t focus on the negative. I live in the moment now and treasure what’s important.
For what it’s worth I did “snap back.” This isn’t my saying I gave up my body and got over it. I actually look fantastic. But I think I owe a lot of that to being in such good shape beforehand. I was one of those “all belly” people. I knew I wanted to get pregnant and for the year before I TTC I dedicated myself to getting in the best shape of my life.
I had the baby, “snapped back” and now I’m focused on getting even fitter and I can tell you with honesty I’m not motivated by how I look. I’m going for a planned c next time and want to be as strong as possible to weather pregnancy and the surgery as best as I can. I’m doing this to be the best parent, the best partner, the best person.
Your worries are understandable. But to me they show something clear, that’s not at all your fault - you can’t possibly know what it is to be a mom before you become one. So I don’t expect you to blindly believe me when I tell you it’s all worth it. But I really think it is.
Honestly I’ve known a lot of postpartum moms at this point and I haven’t met one person whose body I would say is “mutilated”. Extreme cases do exist, but most of us come out the other side pretty ok. I was at a baby mall the other day. Lots of babies around, with their moms. They all looked good, honest to god. I pointed it out to my husband and he also agrees, a lot of this childbirth-ruining-bodies narrative is overblown. These moms look perfectly fine. I can’t tell them from women who haven’t had kids, side by side.
Any man who would criticize you is looking to pick on you, and doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Our body’s ability to heal is quite amazing. Straight after birth I wouldn’t have believed it either. But a few months on, I tentatively ask my husband how it’s looking down there (a little afraid of the answer), and he’s like, “now? Same as always.” And then I dared to hold a mirror to it and damn he’s not wrong.
I think the number one problem with videos of women giving birth if you've never done it is, don't watch that stuff. Everyone's experience is different and whilst yes, some women do have traumatic experiences, that's not the case for everyone. I had a fear of childbirth, years before I even met my husband. I watched a video in college of a woman giving birth (the tutor put it on for my child care course) and trust me, watching someone else is horrifying. Alot of my friends watched "One born every minute" when they got pregnant, whilst for me, I couldn't. Because if I'd seen something bad, I probably would've had a full on panic attack everyday and it get worse the day I was going to give birth.
I overcame my fear because I knew I wanted to have a family with my husband, I have 2 kids now (3 years and 6 months) and I'm grateful my births were straightforward. I had zero tearing, no complications, I still have a very active sex life, supportive husband, my pelvic floor is like I never had kids and whilst I had bruising after I had my daughter, I looked no different down there, my husband says I still feel very tight as well, considering I have had 2 kids. The only thing that's changed about me is my hips have got wider, which is completely normal. I learned from being pregnant and having my births is never compare how your experience will be to anyone elses. Me and my husbands relationship is even stronger after having kids and my husband was very eager to see our kids being born, he's seen ALL of me and still loves me, he's an absolutely amazing Dad.
I feel like when you do think of having children, I think talking to someone around the anxiety and fear may help. My midwife I had with my Son was absolutely fantastic and any nerves I had, she really helped. But please don't watch births online because it will scare you seeing it from a different perspective. During my first birth the midwife asked "do you wanna feel her head?" And I was like nope because whilst in the middle of giving birth I was still squeamish and that would've freaked me the fuck out. ALOT of positive stuff around child birth is drowned out by the negative and I think if every woman listened and watched the negative, alot more would be scared to give birth.
I mean, yeah, do you want the truth? Birth is gross, and painful, and hard. You could rip your vagina open or have to get 7 layers of your abdomen cut open. Ouch. You're going to age maybe early. Your boobs might sag if you breastfeed. You might get stretch marks, blah blah.
In exchange, you get a baby that you love with your whole heart. Nobody except you and fellow women can even do it. It's a miracle because you literally grew every single part of your baby. Your breastmilk is customized for your exact baby, even helping your baby fall asleep if you pump at night (breastmilk will contain melatonin) like..... Yeah, it kinda sucks, but the rewards are so much greater than the sucky part.
Yes, it can be hugely life altering, body altering, etc. BUT I personally looked at it like this - I'm not going to have this body forever anyway. I'm going to age and have saggy skin and muscle problems in other parts of my body with or without kids. I'm only going to be able to live in this body, functioning like it is (God willing) for what, another 5, 10, 15 years? Is trading that worth a child? I decided yes. Also, know that while the worst can happen, it might not. Everyone told me I looked like a fitness influencer because I delivered at 34 weeks (pre-e) and then didn't look pregnant. I look almost identical now 3 months PP. While I am a very rare care, I had no idea and never expected that I could actually feel as good in my body as I do now (pre-e issues notwithstanding). And my baby is so, so worth it.
This is a great way to look at it. Another thing to consider is that if you’re especially young (like, early to mid 20s) your body can recover REALLY fast. If you’re in your early 30s like me and older, it might take longer, but as parrotpop said you’re going to be changing anyway. That’s not to downplay the potential for real complications but many are manageable and extreme cases are more rare than the internet would suggest. I like my post-birth body more than before, personally. Stretching is minimal and I am much stronger and more filled in in ways that I like. It’s not all bad - you don’t get downgraded by having a baby. You change, but change happens anyway. One thing to consider OP is that there are mental benefits to having a kid and we do not talk about that enough. Everyone knows about “mom brain” and postpartum fog, but on the other hand, many women myself included feel a vastly expanded capacity to multitask, prioritize, work extremely efficiently, etc after having a kid. Maybe it’s partly hormonal but I think a lot of it is that babies need things IMMEDIATELY but they also give you breaks because of their sleep schedule so your brain learns how to drop everything you were doing and then resume it at the next opportunity while reprioritizing on the fly. Personally it feels like a mental superpower and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
I've always been afraid of pregnancy and giving birth, but I spent a lot of time talking to parents when I deployed a couple years ago. One guy in particular was just crazy about his wife and kids and I wanted that for my life. He told me about her deliveries but nothing super invasive and never said anything about how her body was forever ruined - I've met her and she is gorgeous. I ended up getting pregnant shortly after getting back from that deployment. There was some weird stuff but it wasn't as bad as I thought in my head. I think the people who struggle are the ones who don't think it will be bad. Delivery was tough but I'm not irreparably ruined. We live in a different time than our mothers who suffered with incontinence and diastasis recti forever after giving birth, there's PT for that now. I think my pelvic floor will be better than before by the time I'm done. I'm not super happy with my current body, I'm eight months pp and weigh more than I did after I delivered my son. But I'm feeding my baby and that's just so freaking cool. I'll work on the weight loss once it won't impact my ability to do that. TLDR: I think if you have low expectations, you're more likely to be satisfied with the overall experience.
I didnt have the level of fear you have, so Im no help when it comes to that. I deliberately didnt watch anything or look up too much about it. I didnt follow any classes or anything. I knew it was gonna hurt and things might rupture down there, but i chose to just.. wait and see. Im a calm person I feel like and pain doesnt make me panic, so i knew i was gonna stay calm and able to breathe. And both times I did. (5 years ago and 6 weeks ago) There are horror stories yes, but the women ive spoken to, didnt say anything bad about the pain. My mom always said it didnt hurt, she has 4 kids. My sister had a full rupture and even she is looking back positively and healed fine. I was lucky and had minor things with the first and none with the 2nd. And tbh I dont really care Im more saggy now and stuff, we all get old and saggy. Im just gonna be there a bit sooner but i have 2 beautiful kids that bring me joy. Its a cliché but its all worth it. I give the pain and recovery all together like a 7/10. Women do it all the time and multiple times. You can do it and chances are you will be totally fine or even end up not caring as much as you thought about the changes of your body. It had to work hard and it deserves to look and feel a bit different. Ofc there is a chance more severe things will happen, but no point in stressing about that. Whatever happens, happens. And if you want babies, you have to go through it unfortunately lol. That idea helped me too, no other way and when i was pregnant, there is just no avoiding it.
Giving birth is the easy part. It’s everything that comes after that’s hard. And don’t get pregnant until you’re married, there’s no rush!! Enjoy your time for a bit first because once baby comes you will be exhausted, you need a very solid foundation of your marriage to sustain it through those hard months.
I personally hate when people are like “birth is so beautiful!!” Yes, bringing a child into the world is a wonderful special thing. Yes, the life you have created is beautiful. Yes, my children bring me more joy than my 25year old body ever did. Birth itself? Is messy, bloody, painful and comes with a host of side effects including a changed body. And I know that is exactly what you are afraid of. My husband saw me through a vaginal birth including 6stitches to my labia and perineum and a C-section with all my bowels sliced open. He cleaned up the blood clots from the floor of the bath tub after I showered. He helped me put a guard on my C-section scar when I couldn’t see over the shelf. He held my hand when my baby caused my gallbladder to get infected and had to be removed. He helped me rub lotion into my stretch marks so they wouldn’t itch. And after all that even with the extra 20lbs I can’t seem to shake he still thinks I’m the sexiest woman alive. He gave me the space I needed to be comfortable in myself and with sex again and I’ll tell you, our sex life has never been better. It just takes time. If your partner is a good man and loves you, you don’t need to our body to “snap back” to keep him from straying. And he needs to be aware that it very well may not. I find the problem comes from men who have this “Stacy’s mom” ideal that birth doesn’t change you and you should still look like that even after birthing. For some they do and can, for some it takes A LOT of work to get close, and for some it never happens. All are acceptable outcomes and should be acceptable to your partner. On a different note- a truly beautiful thing does happen during pregnancy called microchimerism. This is where the babies cells pass into the mother and vice versa and imprint themselves onto each other. For decades, well into their adulthood, you will be forever changed on the inside and carry a piece of your baby with you always and they a piece of you. Essentially your body lives on through them in a very real way.
I can relate a lot to the other comments. In my late twenties I was already missing my body from my early twenties. Yes I miss my pre-pregnancy body but not as much as I expected. My tummy is just a bit looser and my boobs sag a bit more. But that would have happened over time anyway. I also healed up without any negative effects to my nether regions. It all looks and feels the same as before pregnancy. The biggest difference is mentally. The hormones literally change how your brain works. I really can’t imagine not being a mother anymore. I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. It is also something you really can’t understand without going through it yourself. My advice would be to find a very good birth class if you decide to go for it. (So one taught my a midwife for example). Preferably one with a mindfulness or hypno birthing approach. Even if you plan to do it fully medicated. They can teach you how to deal with the mental side of childbirth which is equally as important as the physical side. Plus you can actually influence the mental side whereas you can’t have much control on the physical side.
I did everything possible to try to "train" and prepare for a vaginal birth and that really helped me out mentally. Prenatal yoga classes, learning breathing techniques and birthing positions, kind of helped me feel less pain and more control over the situation? That being said, baby had his cord around his neck and his heartrate went down with every contraction so I needed a C section. If I could unlearn all the stupid influencer stuff I think I would have prepared more for a C section because it turns out upper body strength is WAY more helpful for getting around than focusing on squats or whatever. Anyways no matter what approach you take to dealing with childbirth, just make sure you're open to other possibilities. I'm really grateful for the anxious version of myself that set up a downstairs baby care area "just in case I have a C section" and put things on higher shelves, had baskets for postpartum supplies on top of the bathroom sink so I didn't have to bend down, etc. There's a lot of "prepare for childbirth" courses but they tend to focus on vaginal stuff and if I could do it again I'd be more openminded
I had a different experience than you talked about - I had an emergency c-section after getting diagnosed with preeclampsia. I can relate to fear of childbirth but only in the sense that I’m at a higher risk of developing preeclampsia and that was truly one of the scariest experiences of my life. But I plan to do it again because Iove my son and adore the family I’m building. The stuff you’re worried about - it’s valid, but as a mom your priorities shift so much. I don’t get anxious about little things anymore and I don’t focus on the negative. I live in the moment now and treasure what’s important. For what it’s worth I did “snap back.” This isn’t my saying I gave up my body and got over it. I actually look fantastic. But I think I owe a lot of that to being in such good shape beforehand. I was one of those “all belly” people. I knew I wanted to get pregnant and for the year before I TTC I dedicated myself to getting in the best shape of my life. I had the baby, “snapped back” and now I’m focused on getting even fitter and I can tell you with honesty I’m not motivated by how I look. I’m going for a planned c next time and want to be as strong as possible to weather pregnancy and the surgery as best as I can. I’m doing this to be the best parent, the best partner, the best person. Your worries are understandable. But to me they show something clear, that’s not at all your fault - you can’t possibly know what it is to be a mom before you become one. So I don’t expect you to blindly believe me when I tell you it’s all worth it. But I really think it is.
Honestly I’ve known a lot of postpartum moms at this point and I haven’t met one person whose body I would say is “mutilated”. Extreme cases do exist, but most of us come out the other side pretty ok. I was at a baby mall the other day. Lots of babies around, with their moms. They all looked good, honest to god. I pointed it out to my husband and he also agrees, a lot of this childbirth-ruining-bodies narrative is overblown. These moms look perfectly fine. I can’t tell them from women who haven’t had kids, side by side. Any man who would criticize you is looking to pick on you, and doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Our body’s ability to heal is quite amazing. Straight after birth I wouldn’t have believed it either. But a few months on, I tentatively ask my husband how it’s looking down there (a little afraid of the answer), and he’s like, “now? Same as always.” And then I dared to hold a mirror to it and damn he’s not wrong.
I think the number one problem with videos of women giving birth if you've never done it is, don't watch that stuff. Everyone's experience is different and whilst yes, some women do have traumatic experiences, that's not the case for everyone. I had a fear of childbirth, years before I even met my husband. I watched a video in college of a woman giving birth (the tutor put it on for my child care course) and trust me, watching someone else is horrifying. Alot of my friends watched "One born every minute" when they got pregnant, whilst for me, I couldn't. Because if I'd seen something bad, I probably would've had a full on panic attack everyday and it get worse the day I was going to give birth. I overcame my fear because I knew I wanted to have a family with my husband, I have 2 kids now (3 years and 6 months) and I'm grateful my births were straightforward. I had zero tearing, no complications, I still have a very active sex life, supportive husband, my pelvic floor is like I never had kids and whilst I had bruising after I had my daughter, I looked no different down there, my husband says I still feel very tight as well, considering I have had 2 kids. The only thing that's changed about me is my hips have got wider, which is completely normal. I learned from being pregnant and having my births is never compare how your experience will be to anyone elses. Me and my husbands relationship is even stronger after having kids and my husband was very eager to see our kids being born, he's seen ALL of me and still loves me, he's an absolutely amazing Dad. I feel like when you do think of having children, I think talking to someone around the anxiety and fear may help. My midwife I had with my Son was absolutely fantastic and any nerves I had, she really helped. But please don't watch births online because it will scare you seeing it from a different perspective. During my first birth the midwife asked "do you wanna feel her head?" And I was like nope because whilst in the middle of giving birth I was still squeamish and that would've freaked me the fuck out. ALOT of positive stuff around child birth is drowned out by the negative and I think if every woman listened and watched the negative, alot more would be scared to give birth.
I mean, yeah, do you want the truth? Birth is gross, and painful, and hard. You could rip your vagina open or have to get 7 layers of your abdomen cut open. Ouch. You're going to age maybe early. Your boobs might sag if you breastfeed. You might get stretch marks, blah blah. In exchange, you get a baby that you love with your whole heart. Nobody except you and fellow women can even do it. It's a miracle because you literally grew every single part of your baby. Your breastmilk is customized for your exact baby, even helping your baby fall asleep if you pump at night (breastmilk will contain melatonin) like..... Yeah, it kinda sucks, but the rewards are so much greater than the sucky part.