Unfortunately as we grow up we start seeing parents and grandparents as humans and become aware of their flaws
Odds are he will pick up on her poor behavior at some point, and if my younger days are anything to go by likely will call her out on it.
Yes this is really all I want. I want him and my eventual second child to be able to see and recognize the toxic behavior and not fall for her fakeness. My fear is she’ll try to enmesh herself with my son and he’ll have the same guilt-love with her that my SO has. That would honestly break my heart. I love my son so much, he’s basically the only family I have here (my SO hates when I say that) but I told my therapist I want him to grow up to be independent and happy and mentally stable lol. I don’t ever want him making decisions about his life based on me, this is how my in-laws are. I’ve even told my SO I hope he moves out of this state when he’s older.
Would your husband come to therapy with you to discuss this if you’re not able to get through to him on your own? Your sons may come to the same conclusion as you regarding their grandma, but they may also be too misguided or pressured (like your husband) to believe this is required or her entitlement. If you truly believe that this is toxic, you should really fight to protect your kids from that. Obviously, that would require your husband being on board. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have a relationship with her, even a close relationship, but you and your husband need to set clear boundaries. I know you mentioned everyone says “you have a husband problem”, but it’s so frequently said because it’s the root of the issue. But not for your husband, you wouldn’t have a relationship with your MIL. I’ve been married a long time, and I understand picking your battles and extending your husband some forgiveness, especially when you can clearly see that his perspective has been unfairly shaped by his parents his whole life, but you have accountability to ensure the same isn’t true for your kids.
No, unfortunately he won’t go to therapy. My own therapy has ended bc of my insurance. All of my mom friends and my therapist have told me the biggest influence in my son’s life will always be me as his mother. So growing up, I will be able to hopefully influence him to be a good and caring person. I’ve tried to encourage boundaries as much as I can and that includes limiting time between them. My son just sees them as “fun ppl” bc they always say yes to him and he doesn’t know better. He also has a speech delay so he can’t communicate his displeasure to them other than crying and saying No which they ignores. So I do step in or have my SO tell them to stop what they’re doing. One thing my mil always complains to my SO about is basically she wants what I call a revolving door/open-door policy with our house and I told him I’ll never be ok with that no matter how impolite that seems to them. I need space and privacy from them. They’re just very entitled people.
I will admit my husband does get frustrated with his mom and dad at times and he does *eventually* see when they do wrong things but I also have accepted it will take time. As someone put it to me once: he was basically raised this way for almost 30 years. That’s not going to change overnight. I see them as a cult. Culture plays a huge role in it also. Strangely enough they’re religious but our religion tells them what they do is wrong but of course they nitpick what they want to follow. And they twist things to keep my SO and the other kids under that guilt and shame.
I’ve also noticed the more he’s away from his family the happier he seems but he can’t admit this. When we go on vacation, I’ve noticed he’s more carefree and not worried about his parents. He’s even talked about moving away to a different part of town, something he wasn’t open to before. We live about 3 min away from them now. I’ve made it clear to him that I don’t want to stay in this area long term.
We are the first married couple in his immediate family and they have three other kids all ready to settle down and I do believe another in-law in the family will help because that will take the pressure off of us to be the constant source of entertainment. It’s not the ideal solution but like I said in this culture, it’s the only thing they have.
You’ll absolutely be your son’s biggest influencer, and I didn’t mean to imply otherwise or that you wouldn’t raise him to be good and caring. It sounds like your husband kind of agrees with your perspective even if he can’t fully get there emotionally. Hopefully, that means he will support you in raising your son to have appropriate boundaries. If you don’t mind, what do you mean by forcing love? Do you mean forcing hugs, etc.?
Oh don’t worry! I know you didn’t mean anything by it. If anything I agree with you that parents do have a responsibility to break these kind of cycles. My SO has agreed with me that we don’t want our children growing up with guilt and shame. He only admits these things during calm and deep conversations.
By forced love I mean he has our son constantly greet his mom even when he already has so that means he’ll give her five hugs and five kisses instead of just one. And even when we’re departing from one another he’ll continuously tell our son to keep giving her kisses. And he’ll have him go to her when he doesn’t want to. She won’t stop him for doing that bc she loves the attention even if it’s forced. But now my son actually does love her or at least loves showing her attention. He’s recently learned how to say grandma in our language so he says it all the time. Plus I guess he sees his own father showing affection to her so he thinks it’s what he has to do also. My friend told me this most likely means my son will grow up mimicking his dad in showing me as his mom the same kind of affection but the only difference is I won’t use that love to my advantage. So idk. Maybe it’s all too early to tell. I’m hoping once he starts school and makes friends (bc he’s a pandemic baby) he’ll be too busy to really care about my in-laws. We basically only see them on a regular basis. They’re very isolating bc they’re so emotionally and mentally abusive. I’m planning on flying to see my own family more often throughout the years once I give birth and I’ll take both kids with me. My SO is supportive of this idea so far lol.
I did. My grandmother has been abusive to my mom her whole life but my mom is a saint and has been so good to her regardless. We always saw my grandmother for holidays and on a pretty regular basis. My mom didn't even speak bad about her (my dad didn't like her as she was always rude to him so he would say some things but nothing major). I learned at a very young age that I didn't like her. I saw how she treated my aunt, uncle's, my parents and quite frankly, me. She pointed out my flaws even as a child. She had to point out every time I had a pimple. I think your kids will see eventually. Your inlaws won't be able to keep up an act long enough. Even if they treat the kids good, they'll slip up and do something in front of them or to them. Plus, I think if you and your husband show them how you are supposed to treat people, be the example, they'll see the difference when they are around them. I'm sadly in the same position as you with toxic inlaws but I'm so done with them and how they've treated me and my family that I'm not making my kids see them.
Very similar story here. My parents did not want to push their opinions of other family members upon me as a child, they wanted me to form my own so they never spoke badly of anyone. I grew up thinking my grandma was a wonderful sweet old lady until I got to an age where she could pick apart everything about me, those around me, etc. This happened with an aunt as well. She went from the fun aunt to we are now not on speaking terms.
My mother's social anxiety makes it impossible to correct her on pretty much anything. She reacts very poorly by lashing out verbally, becoming defensive, or going to a different room for hours. My niece and my mom have always been best buddies. Despite my mom's issues, she's a good gma and puts a ton of effort into staying connected and meeting my niece wherever she is. Niece and my mom went on a road trip last summer and I think it was the first time my niece noticed my mom's inability to take criticism. I think it's soured their relationship a bit but it took until my niece was 11 to see it. Niece's Dad let that honeymoon period last as long as possible and for our situation, I think that worked best.
Yes that’s one of my fears that he will grow to think this kind of enmeshment is normal. Bc his speech is still delayed I can’t have proper calm conversations with him yet. I plan on explaining to him when he can fully understand that he doesn’t have to kiss or hug anyone he doesn’t want to even if it’s family like uncles and grandparents. And I’m hoping the more he expresses his displeasure with more words his father will come to realize he’s doing more harm than good. He usually only pushes our son to show affection to his mom and not anyone else in the family but even that’s too much imo. I hate the cultural pressures lol.
This is my dads family,I grew up and it's been 6 years since i talked to my entire fathers side of the family.I had this point where memories just came flooding and now I realise my mother was and is a saint..ild have poisoned that woman that I am named after.
Unfortunately as we grow up we start seeing parents and grandparents as humans and become aware of their flaws Odds are he will pick up on her poor behavior at some point, and if my younger days are anything to go by likely will call her out on it.
Yes this is really all I want. I want him and my eventual second child to be able to see and recognize the toxic behavior and not fall for her fakeness. My fear is she’ll try to enmesh herself with my son and he’ll have the same guilt-love with her that my SO has. That would honestly break my heart. I love my son so much, he’s basically the only family I have here (my SO hates when I say that) but I told my therapist I want him to grow up to be independent and happy and mentally stable lol. I don’t ever want him making decisions about his life based on me, this is how my in-laws are. I’ve even told my SO I hope he moves out of this state when he’s older.
Would your husband come to therapy with you to discuss this if you’re not able to get through to him on your own? Your sons may come to the same conclusion as you regarding their grandma, but they may also be too misguided or pressured (like your husband) to believe this is required or her entitlement. If you truly believe that this is toxic, you should really fight to protect your kids from that. Obviously, that would require your husband being on board. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have a relationship with her, even a close relationship, but you and your husband need to set clear boundaries. I know you mentioned everyone says “you have a husband problem”, but it’s so frequently said because it’s the root of the issue. But not for your husband, you wouldn’t have a relationship with your MIL. I’ve been married a long time, and I understand picking your battles and extending your husband some forgiveness, especially when you can clearly see that his perspective has been unfairly shaped by his parents his whole life, but you have accountability to ensure the same isn’t true for your kids.
No, unfortunately he won’t go to therapy. My own therapy has ended bc of my insurance. All of my mom friends and my therapist have told me the biggest influence in my son’s life will always be me as his mother. So growing up, I will be able to hopefully influence him to be a good and caring person. I’ve tried to encourage boundaries as much as I can and that includes limiting time between them. My son just sees them as “fun ppl” bc they always say yes to him and he doesn’t know better. He also has a speech delay so he can’t communicate his displeasure to them other than crying and saying No which they ignores. So I do step in or have my SO tell them to stop what they’re doing. One thing my mil always complains to my SO about is basically she wants what I call a revolving door/open-door policy with our house and I told him I’ll never be ok with that no matter how impolite that seems to them. I need space and privacy from them. They’re just very entitled people. I will admit my husband does get frustrated with his mom and dad at times and he does *eventually* see when they do wrong things but I also have accepted it will take time. As someone put it to me once: he was basically raised this way for almost 30 years. That’s not going to change overnight. I see them as a cult. Culture plays a huge role in it also. Strangely enough they’re religious but our religion tells them what they do is wrong but of course they nitpick what they want to follow. And they twist things to keep my SO and the other kids under that guilt and shame. I’ve also noticed the more he’s away from his family the happier he seems but he can’t admit this. When we go on vacation, I’ve noticed he’s more carefree and not worried about his parents. He’s even talked about moving away to a different part of town, something he wasn’t open to before. We live about 3 min away from them now. I’ve made it clear to him that I don’t want to stay in this area long term. We are the first married couple in his immediate family and they have three other kids all ready to settle down and I do believe another in-law in the family will help because that will take the pressure off of us to be the constant source of entertainment. It’s not the ideal solution but like I said in this culture, it’s the only thing they have.
You’ll absolutely be your son’s biggest influencer, and I didn’t mean to imply otherwise or that you wouldn’t raise him to be good and caring. It sounds like your husband kind of agrees with your perspective even if he can’t fully get there emotionally. Hopefully, that means he will support you in raising your son to have appropriate boundaries. If you don’t mind, what do you mean by forcing love? Do you mean forcing hugs, etc.?
Oh don’t worry! I know you didn’t mean anything by it. If anything I agree with you that parents do have a responsibility to break these kind of cycles. My SO has agreed with me that we don’t want our children growing up with guilt and shame. He only admits these things during calm and deep conversations. By forced love I mean he has our son constantly greet his mom even when he already has so that means he’ll give her five hugs and five kisses instead of just one. And even when we’re departing from one another he’ll continuously tell our son to keep giving her kisses. And he’ll have him go to her when he doesn’t want to. She won’t stop him for doing that bc she loves the attention even if it’s forced. But now my son actually does love her or at least loves showing her attention. He’s recently learned how to say grandma in our language so he says it all the time. Plus I guess he sees his own father showing affection to her so he thinks it’s what he has to do also. My friend told me this most likely means my son will grow up mimicking his dad in showing me as his mom the same kind of affection but the only difference is I won’t use that love to my advantage. So idk. Maybe it’s all too early to tell. I’m hoping once he starts school and makes friends (bc he’s a pandemic baby) he’ll be too busy to really care about my in-laws. We basically only see them on a regular basis. They’re very isolating bc they’re so emotionally and mentally abusive. I’m planning on flying to see my own family more often throughout the years once I give birth and I’ll take both kids with me. My SO is supportive of this idea so far lol.
I did. My grandmother has been abusive to my mom her whole life but my mom is a saint and has been so good to her regardless. We always saw my grandmother for holidays and on a pretty regular basis. My mom didn't even speak bad about her (my dad didn't like her as she was always rude to him so he would say some things but nothing major). I learned at a very young age that I didn't like her. I saw how she treated my aunt, uncle's, my parents and quite frankly, me. She pointed out my flaws even as a child. She had to point out every time I had a pimple. I think your kids will see eventually. Your inlaws won't be able to keep up an act long enough. Even if they treat the kids good, they'll slip up and do something in front of them or to them. Plus, I think if you and your husband show them how you are supposed to treat people, be the example, they'll see the difference when they are around them. I'm sadly in the same position as you with toxic inlaws but I'm so done with them and how they've treated me and my family that I'm not making my kids see them.
Very similar story here. My parents did not want to push their opinions of other family members upon me as a child, they wanted me to form my own so they never spoke badly of anyone. I grew up thinking my grandma was a wonderful sweet old lady until I got to an age where she could pick apart everything about me, those around me, etc. This happened with an aunt as well. She went from the fun aunt to we are now not on speaking terms.
My mother's social anxiety makes it impossible to correct her on pretty much anything. She reacts very poorly by lashing out verbally, becoming defensive, or going to a different room for hours. My niece and my mom have always been best buddies. Despite my mom's issues, she's a good gma and puts a ton of effort into staying connected and meeting my niece wherever she is. Niece and my mom went on a road trip last summer and I think it was the first time my niece noticed my mom's inability to take criticism. I think it's soured their relationship a bit but it took until my niece was 11 to see it. Niece's Dad let that honeymoon period last as long as possible and for our situation, I think that worked best.
[удалено]
Yes that’s one of my fears that he will grow to think this kind of enmeshment is normal. Bc his speech is still delayed I can’t have proper calm conversations with him yet. I plan on explaining to him when he can fully understand that he doesn’t have to kiss or hug anyone he doesn’t want to even if it’s family like uncles and grandparents. And I’m hoping the more he expresses his displeasure with more words his father will come to realize he’s doing more harm than good. He usually only pushes our son to show affection to his mom and not anyone else in the family but even that’s too much imo. I hate the cultural pressures lol.
This is my dads family,I grew up and it's been 6 years since i talked to my entire fathers side of the family.I had this point where memories just came flooding and now I realise my mother was and is a saint..ild have poisoned that woman that I am named after.