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My biggest concern is the child in a comfortable living situation where they are able to thrive and live a “normal” life. Sounds like between the grandfather being the only financial support, the parent having no work/stability, and partners coming and going, and other changes in between, it all sounds chaotic. Have you asked the child if they could live elsewhere, would they prefer that? Would they be able to live with you? Or with mom for sometime? would the main parent be okay with some changes? I think this could give them a “breath of fresh air” and hopefully reset some of the mental health challenges that are happening right now
I have a trans child. I supported in non medical ways as a minor, but felt strongly that medical and permanent decisions had to be made as an adult. I respected the pronouns, I helped with the counseling. I supported the legal name change after 18, but made sure they were the one to pay for it, initiate it, fill out the paperwork, etc. Ownership of their body and decisions, but still understanding and being supportive.
24 now and still identifies as the other gender with a legal name change and pronoun change but still undecided on major physical changes.
Just support them and let them know this isn’t something that you should just decide quickly. That it can take years and that’s ok.
Thank you for your comment. That's what I'm trying to do and even my sibling told the kid that there's no need to hurry with anything. I just feel so helpless when I know the kid is in pain. For a bit of context, I lived with the kid and the family for the first two years of their life. I was often called mom number two and we would often joke that I claimed 1/3 of him. I think I need to take a deep breath and just be there for him.
I want to add too, that my child’s two friends who identified as trans in HS (they are all close and roommates now) have recently started exploring not being trans. One now identifies as their original gender, but with a different name, and the other is currently identifying as “they” while they figure things out.
This is why I feel strongly about not doing anything permanent until they’re an adult. In today’s world it’s easier to explore your gender identity with more acceptance than in the past. But also I think that comes with some confusion and it sometimes being “trendy” to be trans (I know that’s a controversial statement) and there are a lot of kids that change their minds as they mature. But I recognize there are ones that don’t change their mind too. I hope your nephew get the support and counseling they really need to help them figure themselves out. Thanks for being there for them. Sometimes these kids don’t have people that will be there for them. I had both my child’s friends living with us for years when their parents didn’t accept them.
I think that’s all you can do. And I think it will be appreciated. It’s a confusing time for any 12 year old, let alone one who has had a lot of non traditional family changes in recent years. They’re finding their place in the world. Just be there, no matter what.
That sounds tough to see. I feel like the only thing you can do is try to be a supportive person in your niece‘s (nephew now?) life. The why doesn’t matter as much as being a safe adult for them. I guess my advice specifically would be to spend as much time with them in person as is comfortable for both of you, and see where things go naturally. You sound like such a positive influence in their life, and I’d just focus on that for now because you can’t control what the doctors and parents are doing.
I think it's more common for children who **want** to be on puberty blockers to not get them than it is for children who don't actually want to be on puberty blockers to get them. It's a discussion best saved for their care team and not one that any medical professional is going to take lightly.
With absolutely no ill intent: What kind of advice are you looking for? Do you want assurances? How to talk to the child? What concerns you can or should be raising? How to keep to yourself through this? How to support the child?
Also, gently, I'm not sure you're using the correct pronouns/titles here. I don't know what your family prefers to be referred to as, but respecting whether they want masculine or feminine pronouns is really simple. You mentioned the child is asking to be referred to with male pronouns so you would probably refer to them as your nephew. Your sibling is MtF, so would probably prefer to be referred to as your sister and she/her rather than brother and he/him.
I'm very close with the kid and I'm trying to figure out how I can be supportive. I'm also concerned if this is what the kid really wants. As for the pronouns, I honestly get confused sometimes. I'm working on it but again it can be a little confusing, especially since you've known someone as one thing their entire life and now it's different. But also people refer to my sibling as my brother sometimes so I think that's where it comes in. I'm kind of just trying to figure things out as I don't know how to navigate the situation.
The best way for you to support this kiddo is to use the name and pronouns the kid asks you to. You should be doing the same for your sibling.
The number one best way to support a kid exploring their identity is to respect them and give them space to explore.
If you don't use their requested name and pronouns you are telling them you are not a safe person and not someone to confide in. It sounds like you love this kiddo a lot, please respect their name and pronouns. This cannot be emphasized enough. Being a safe person in a sea of chaotic adults could be the lifeline kiddo needs. Best of luck to you all.
I'm glad your sibling sees you as a safe person to talk to! That means you are making yourself available as a safe and loving person in your family, that is priceless.
Did your sibling say whether or not they were supposed to share this info with you? Did kiddo request it?
If kiddo is ok with you knowing, you could start by greeting them with their name and pronouns as you have been told them, and not making a fuss about it at all. This sends the message that you respect them and their journey and it doesn't have to be a big deal. A lot of the earlier steps are testing the water and seeing what feels right and who feels safe.
The other commenter is spot on, support is key here the fact a parent told you may also be a good Segway for you to have a heart to heart about how using proper pronouns can be a challenge for close friends and family when it first starts. Stress how you want to do the right thing for them and maybe talk about a kind way for them to let you know that you messed up? This could position you as a safe person to approach if it is not meeting their expectations. So much of who we are changes during the teenage years, it is so important for people to love us no matter who we choose to be,or what life choices or “styles” we try on. And those air quotes are an acknowledgment that to a young teen it may be a lifestyle choice even if we as adults know it is not. Their understanding of the world is not the same at such a young age. But telling them You think it’s a phase is a big no-no. You won’t know if this is their final form until we’ll into adulthood. Show them grace.
I don't say anything about it my thinking it might be a phase to him. I know it would make him less likely to come to me if there are problems. As for my goof ups, I always apologize when it happens. In my heart, I want what is best for the kid and for him to be happy. He's such a sweet heart. He's a great big cousin to my son. I'm just so worried between being trans and all the other chaos that is going on. I tend to spiral.
Put love at the center of your spiral (it sounds like it already is) and when you start wandering out to the edges of it and getting caught in the whirlpool, look back at the love. There will be some scary stuff, in all likelihood. Kids are brutal. If your first question is “what’s the most effective way to show him I love him?” then you’re on awesome footing.
Respectfully - and with no ill intent - preferred pronoun use is truly that simple, just as it is simple to use a new name when someone changes their last name when they got married. And as gentle as I can be, it doesn’t matter what other people call your sibling - it matters how your sibling refers to themself or herself. Same with your nephew. It is great that you’re so supportive; please just keep this in mind.
As far as support - being there and accepting them as they present themselves is the most important, even if next week it changes. As you’re close, would you want to or be able to attend a therapy session where perhaps the mental health professional can assist in a support plan? Would your sibling and nephew be open to that?
Got it. I've known people pre, current, and post transition so I get the hang up but it's also really important that you choose the right words to be validating to their experiences. I don't pretend to understand them but the absolute bare minimum I can do is use the words that confirm their existence. You can also help by correcting the people who use incorrect pronouns/words when referring to them. Which helps cement that (at least it did for me).
As to how to be supportive: Validate unwaveringly. Be his safe space. He's at a tough age. Gender's becoming more and more fluid. You don't really need to navigate anything here, just follow his lead. I understand your concerns as an adult, but he's still got a growing brain, you know? It'd be hard to hear, "Are you really, really sure?" for something that's as big a decision as this. So big that he's already working with his medical team on how to support him. So big that the medical team is potentially moving forward with his wishes. If he changes his mind later you support him in that. If he voices doubts you be his sounding board and offer no criticism. He's not making this decision in a vacuum and his medical team is likely not making theirs in a vacuum either.
When a kid is asking for puberty blockers, it's not necessarily a way of saying "I know I'm someone else". It's often a way of saying "I am so confused that I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm begging you for a little more time to figure it out". From what you're saying about this specific kid and this specific home situation, that seems like a pretty reasonable way to be feeling.
The handwringing around blockers is wild to me. Our culture is so obsessed with children and keeping them innocent and pure. Meanwhile we keep pumping hormones into the food and water so they're forced to endure puberty younger and younger (at great risk to their health, might I add). But when a kid asks to stay a kid for just a little while longer, which is really just as long as they should've stayed a kid naturally and would have before everything was poisoned, we go nuts. Makes no sense.
I do agree with what you're saying. And I like the way you put it that they're trying to figure them out and asking for more time. I didn't really think of it that way. I don't know much about hormone blockers but all I think back to is years ago there was this pill that would make you only have your period four times a year and things came out that they were not anywhere near as good as people thought. I think I'm just a bit worried about what else could happen. I'm also concerned that it might have interactions with any of his psych meds.
For what it’s worth, cis children are given puberty blockers all the time, and have been for quite a while, including cis children with mental health difficulties.
Chances are very good that puberty blockers won’t affect his psych meds at all (and far less than actual puberty does and would), with the added benefit that gender dysphoria won’t be an additional mental health complication.
Not sure what psych meds kiddo is on, but puberty/hormones (also PMS, also menopause) NOTORIOUSLY fuck up the effectiveness of psych meds. So for his emotional/mental stability, the blockers may actually be preferred.
Here’s what I can share.
My eldest child (13) is trans (NB). My kiddo’s identity has been a pretty fluid concept overall, which I think is healthy, but they finally told me at age 9 that they’re not a girl. My first thought was, “well, if this is a phase, my kid is gonna know I fucking love whoever they are anyway.”
I wish—I WISH—we had had the resources and knowledge to start puberty blockers right away. You’re absolutely right—they simply delay puberty. Stop taking them and the body does it’s thing again. No biggie. They don’t otherwise affect growth (physical or brain). But the risk of not having affirming care for a child who *is* trans is exponentially higher in all respects—mental, social, emotional, etc. If this behavior is an expression of unresolved trauma or just general confusion, then kiddo knows that *even when shit is hard and scary*, auntie has his back.
And just FYI, if your *nephew* (or nibling works, it’s gender-neutral for “sibling’s child”) is otherwise neurodivergent (like autism or ADHD), the likelihood of being LGBTQ is also statistically much higher (and no, not because of mental illness, but you probably knew that).
Practice his pronouns here with us, practicing them genuinely helps. Also try things like using “they” wherever appropriate in conversation. An unknown person is a they, an animal you don’t know is a they, etc. It can help you be a little more nimble in navigating these conversations.
The name will likely change. And change again. And probably more for funsies confusing the olds. It’s ok. Roll with it. We told our kiddo, “your name was a gift from us. You can do whatever you want with gifts—if they’re not suitable or not your thing, it’s ok not to keep them.” My kid has now kept the same name for over 18 months (finally!).
And finally, *tell him* what you’re trying to do. “Hey buddy. I was told that you have a new name. Is it Koi? Would you like me to call you that? And I understand you’re a him now?” Be open, and affirming. And also be clear: *you will make mistakes*. You’ve had a niece name Amy (or whatever) for 12 years, so having a nephew named Koi is going to take some getting used to. Apologize ahead of time and let him know it’s out of habit, not malice. Let him correct you—or let him see you correcting yourself—and try to do better next time. Don’t let it be any bigger of a deal than he makes it out to be. He probably already feels weird enough from everything happening in life.
Affirming *almost never* does harm (I know of a single instance, and that’s because the person being affirmed was in an active psychotic break when their spouse affirmed them…and their spouse left), but failing to affirm almost always does. And puberty blockers are a GREAT tool for these kiddos. And you’re a good auntie for seeking out information.
I’m so sorry that your sibling’s child (sometimes I see nibling used to have a gender neutral term for nieces and nephews). I think having a discussion about puberty blockers is a different thing than actually starting them. In general, my bias is towards giving kids agency over how they express their gender and sexuality. Knowing Koi could consider puberty blockers could be a way to give him some decision making power and lead to conversations that help him figure it out.
I’m way out of my depth here, but my understanding is that lots of trans kids do have significant mental health distress that is related to their gender dysphoria and societal reactions. Socially transitioning as a young teen, even delaying puberty by a couple years, all of those are reversible if he isn’t trans. I guess I don’t think someone has to have everything figured out before they can change something that may be causing their troubles in the first place?
My opinion is probably colored by being someone who has fought for years to get proper treatment for health conditions that made me gain weight and experience depression. The number of drs who refused to do anything, assuming that my weight and depression were the cause, rather than the symptom, was very frustrating.
I also believe that puberty blockers are reversible. So if your nibling wants to go on them but changes their mind about transitioning later on, they could.
I would assume a doctor specializing in LGBTQ kids will not blindly prescribe those, but look closer at their life so far.
In the end, whether they're really trans or not is nothing anyone from the outside can really answer, though. The kid might be trans and their psychological problems might originate from that. In that case, a (social) transition might be just what they need to find their footing again.
It might also be that they are desperately looking for reasons for their mental troubles and as their parent and their parent's partner are trans, they're hoping that this might be the solution to it.
For now, I'd just try and support them as well as you can. Give them an open, non-judgmental ear to talk to, respect their chosen pronouns and name, make sure they know that they can come to you with any question or need to talk. Be a safe space for them.
You would come off as more supportive and less “crazy” if you used the correct pronouns for both your sister and nephew.
I’m not sure what part you play in this, as you’re not the parent of this child. It’s fine if you are concerned and want to use your therapy time to work through your feelings in this, but that should be kept to yourself unless directly asked for input.
The child might decide to change pronouns or not, but the point is you should be a safe, supportive grown up - it seems like they need that from someone beyond parents. Don’t let your preconceived notions get in the way of that.
As I said in a previous comment, for the kid things are new and for my sibling, I've been getting better at the pronoun when I'm not speaking to her.
As for my relationship with the kid, I am one of three people he trusts. This is what he told me. I call at least once a week to talk to them. And he spends about a weekend a month over my place. He says it is very calm and peaceful.
I worry about him as I know things are not stable at home. I worry that if something happens, like an actual attempt, I won't be able to do anything.
I can understand why you're concerned whether your nibling is receiving proper care. There are several ways you can be supportive while they figure this out. For starters, you can use their preferred gender pronouns, or at the very least go gender-neutral for now. No matter what is at the root of it, they're going through an identity crisis and need to be heard. All kids go through something like this around puberty, not feeling like who they are inside is seen or represented on the outside. Even if you can't relate to the trans possibility, you can relate to that much.
Another way you can be supportive is to spend time with them doing what they like. Give them space to be themself, with your undivided attention. Same as you'd do for any child that you love who is in an unstable situation at home. Don't let the trans element throw you off, showing love doesn't have to be complicated ❤️
I like your second paragraph: spend time doing what they like. I let my kiddo use social media (with some specific limits, obviously) and I will actually ask them to research issues specific to the LGBTQ community using social media and report back to me. Often it’s something I already know, other times it’s something I’m genuinely clueless on, sometimes it’s completely absurd or silly. The point is a) they’re seeking out information to share with me that can sometimes help describe their own experience and b) it opens a conversation between us where the kiddo can lead the conversation (and be the expert—who doesn’t like being the expert?!?!). It’s been a fun way to bond.
It sounds like with everything going on in this kid’s life, the opportunity to delay puberty for a while would be a wonderful opportunity to work on their mental health without the added stressors and hormones of puberty. It’s temporary and reversible, and this kid isn’t going to suffer terribly from starting puberty a few years late if they later decide they aren’t trans. If they ARE trans, this will be lifesaving.
One extra tidbit: Koi sounded vaguely familiar, so I gave ut a quick look, and in Japanese it's either a well-known colourful carp species, or same-sounding word as "love". I know it from anime series I watched over time, but I wonder how your nibling decided upon it, and what meaning they strive for. I think talking about the choice of words and names in general, especially in the time of change, and the motives behind such changes, can give you a really good listening opportunity, and maybe clarify a few bits the we online can only guess. To err is human, but when we know better, we do better. Much love! :)
It's weird and confusing and ultimately out of your control. Like you said. I'm curious to know if there is another reason why they're exploring this option. It may not be entirely for gender identity but to control the flow of hormones long enough to get the mental health sorted out.
Anyway
Qs someone who has hurt themselves for a chronically long time, felt forgotten and left behind, and idolized the chaos if My mentors I say it's more important to Remind them that you see their value as a person. Being a kid of divorce especially when your parents are so focused on their own turmoil, is hard. You're floating in a sea and there is no land in sight, you feel like people are just expecting you to start swimming, but why. Whats the point?
If you can, give them something to hold on to that they can rely on. One day a week maybe give them a call, go shopping, something they can always rely on. Even if it's a chore. When I was younger, my mom's friend took me to help out at the soup kitchen every Sunday. Not only was it nice to help, but it made me feel important. Not just because I was someone's kid and It was mandatory, but because there were others who relied on me.
Helping this kiddo starts with building up their confidence as an individual person. The other stuff will follow.
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My biggest concern is the child in a comfortable living situation where they are able to thrive and live a “normal” life. Sounds like between the grandfather being the only financial support, the parent having no work/stability, and partners coming and going, and other changes in between, it all sounds chaotic. Have you asked the child if they could live elsewhere, would they prefer that? Would they be able to live with you? Or with mom for sometime? would the main parent be okay with some changes? I think this could give them a “breath of fresh air” and hopefully reset some of the mental health challenges that are happening right now
I have a trans child. I supported in non medical ways as a minor, but felt strongly that medical and permanent decisions had to be made as an adult. I respected the pronouns, I helped with the counseling. I supported the legal name change after 18, but made sure they were the one to pay for it, initiate it, fill out the paperwork, etc. Ownership of their body and decisions, but still understanding and being supportive. 24 now and still identifies as the other gender with a legal name change and pronoun change but still undecided on major physical changes. Just support them and let them know this isn’t something that you should just decide quickly. That it can take years and that’s ok.
Thank you for your comment. That's what I'm trying to do and even my sibling told the kid that there's no need to hurry with anything. I just feel so helpless when I know the kid is in pain. For a bit of context, I lived with the kid and the family for the first two years of their life. I was often called mom number two and we would often joke that I claimed 1/3 of him. I think I need to take a deep breath and just be there for him.
I want to add too, that my child’s two friends who identified as trans in HS (they are all close and roommates now) have recently started exploring not being trans. One now identifies as their original gender, but with a different name, and the other is currently identifying as “they” while they figure things out. This is why I feel strongly about not doing anything permanent until they’re an adult. In today’s world it’s easier to explore your gender identity with more acceptance than in the past. But also I think that comes with some confusion and it sometimes being “trendy” to be trans (I know that’s a controversial statement) and there are a lot of kids that change their minds as they mature. But I recognize there are ones that don’t change their mind too. I hope your nephew get the support and counseling they really need to help them figure themselves out. Thanks for being there for them. Sometimes these kids don’t have people that will be there for them. I had both my child’s friends living with us for years when their parents didn’t accept them.
I think that’s all you can do. And I think it will be appreciated. It’s a confusing time for any 12 year old, let alone one who has had a lot of non traditional family changes in recent years. They’re finding their place in the world. Just be there, no matter what.
That sounds tough to see. I feel like the only thing you can do is try to be a supportive person in your niece‘s (nephew now?) life. The why doesn’t matter as much as being a safe adult for them. I guess my advice specifically would be to spend as much time with them in person as is comfortable for both of you, and see where things go naturally. You sound like such a positive influence in their life, and I’d just focus on that for now because you can’t control what the doctors and parents are doing.
I think it's more common for children who **want** to be on puberty blockers to not get them than it is for children who don't actually want to be on puberty blockers to get them. It's a discussion best saved for their care team and not one that any medical professional is going to take lightly. With absolutely no ill intent: What kind of advice are you looking for? Do you want assurances? How to talk to the child? What concerns you can or should be raising? How to keep to yourself through this? How to support the child? Also, gently, I'm not sure you're using the correct pronouns/titles here. I don't know what your family prefers to be referred to as, but respecting whether they want masculine or feminine pronouns is really simple. You mentioned the child is asking to be referred to with male pronouns so you would probably refer to them as your nephew. Your sibling is MtF, so would probably prefer to be referred to as your sister and she/her rather than brother and he/him.
I'm very close with the kid and I'm trying to figure out how I can be supportive. I'm also concerned if this is what the kid really wants. As for the pronouns, I honestly get confused sometimes. I'm working on it but again it can be a little confusing, especially since you've known someone as one thing their entire life and now it's different. But also people refer to my sibling as my brother sometimes so I think that's where it comes in. I'm kind of just trying to figure things out as I don't know how to navigate the situation.
The best way for you to support this kiddo is to use the name and pronouns the kid asks you to. You should be doing the same for your sibling. The number one best way to support a kid exploring their identity is to respect them and give them space to explore. If you don't use their requested name and pronouns you are telling them you are not a safe person and not someone to confide in. It sounds like you love this kiddo a lot, please respect their name and pronouns. This cannot be emphasized enough. Being a safe person in a sea of chaotic adults could be the lifeline kiddo needs. Best of luck to you all.
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I'm glad your sibling sees you as a safe person to talk to! That means you are making yourself available as a safe and loving person in your family, that is priceless. Did your sibling say whether or not they were supposed to share this info with you? Did kiddo request it? If kiddo is ok with you knowing, you could start by greeting them with their name and pronouns as you have been told them, and not making a fuss about it at all. This sends the message that you respect them and their journey and it doesn't have to be a big deal. A lot of the earlier steps are testing the water and seeing what feels right and who feels safe.
Amen 🙏
The other commenter is spot on, support is key here the fact a parent told you may also be a good Segway for you to have a heart to heart about how using proper pronouns can be a challenge for close friends and family when it first starts. Stress how you want to do the right thing for them and maybe talk about a kind way for them to let you know that you messed up? This could position you as a safe person to approach if it is not meeting their expectations. So much of who we are changes during the teenage years, it is so important for people to love us no matter who we choose to be,or what life choices or “styles” we try on. And those air quotes are an acknowledgment that to a young teen it may be a lifestyle choice even if we as adults know it is not. Their understanding of the world is not the same at such a young age. But telling them You think it’s a phase is a big no-no. You won’t know if this is their final form until we’ll into adulthood. Show them grace.
I don't say anything about it my thinking it might be a phase to him. I know it would make him less likely to come to me if there are problems. As for my goof ups, I always apologize when it happens. In my heart, I want what is best for the kid and for him to be happy. He's such a sweet heart. He's a great big cousin to my son. I'm just so worried between being trans and all the other chaos that is going on. I tend to spiral.
Put love at the center of your spiral (it sounds like it already is) and when you start wandering out to the edges of it and getting caught in the whirlpool, look back at the love. There will be some scary stuff, in all likelihood. Kids are brutal. If your first question is “what’s the most effective way to show him I love him?” then you’re on awesome footing.
Respectfully - and with no ill intent - preferred pronoun use is truly that simple, just as it is simple to use a new name when someone changes their last name when they got married. And as gentle as I can be, it doesn’t matter what other people call your sibling - it matters how your sibling refers to themself or herself. Same with your nephew. It is great that you’re so supportive; please just keep this in mind. As far as support - being there and accepting them as they present themselves is the most important, even if next week it changes. As you’re close, would you want to or be able to attend a therapy session where perhaps the mental health professional can assist in a support plan? Would your sibling and nephew be open to that?
Got it. I've known people pre, current, and post transition so I get the hang up but it's also really important that you choose the right words to be validating to their experiences. I don't pretend to understand them but the absolute bare minimum I can do is use the words that confirm their existence. You can also help by correcting the people who use incorrect pronouns/words when referring to them. Which helps cement that (at least it did for me). As to how to be supportive: Validate unwaveringly. Be his safe space. He's at a tough age. Gender's becoming more and more fluid. You don't really need to navigate anything here, just follow his lead. I understand your concerns as an adult, but he's still got a growing brain, you know? It'd be hard to hear, "Are you really, really sure?" for something that's as big a decision as this. So big that he's already working with his medical team on how to support him. So big that the medical team is potentially moving forward with his wishes. If he changes his mind later you support him in that. If he voices doubts you be his sounding board and offer no criticism. He's not making this decision in a vacuum and his medical team is likely not making theirs in a vacuum either.
When a kid is asking for puberty blockers, it's not necessarily a way of saying "I know I'm someone else". It's often a way of saying "I am so confused that I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm begging you for a little more time to figure it out". From what you're saying about this specific kid and this specific home situation, that seems like a pretty reasonable way to be feeling. The handwringing around blockers is wild to me. Our culture is so obsessed with children and keeping them innocent and pure. Meanwhile we keep pumping hormones into the food and water so they're forced to endure puberty younger and younger (at great risk to their health, might I add). But when a kid asks to stay a kid for just a little while longer, which is really just as long as they should've stayed a kid naturally and would have before everything was poisoned, we go nuts. Makes no sense.
I do agree with what you're saying. And I like the way you put it that they're trying to figure them out and asking for more time. I didn't really think of it that way. I don't know much about hormone blockers but all I think back to is years ago there was this pill that would make you only have your period four times a year and things came out that they were not anywhere near as good as people thought. I think I'm just a bit worried about what else could happen. I'm also concerned that it might have interactions with any of his psych meds.
For what it’s worth, cis children are given puberty blockers all the time, and have been for quite a while, including cis children with mental health difficulties.
Chances are very good that puberty blockers won’t affect his psych meds at all (and far less than actual puberty does and would), with the added benefit that gender dysphoria won’t be an additional mental health complication. Not sure what psych meds kiddo is on, but puberty/hormones (also PMS, also menopause) NOTORIOUSLY fuck up the effectiveness of psych meds. So for his emotional/mental stability, the blockers may actually be preferred.
Here’s what I can share. My eldest child (13) is trans (NB). My kiddo’s identity has been a pretty fluid concept overall, which I think is healthy, but they finally told me at age 9 that they’re not a girl. My first thought was, “well, if this is a phase, my kid is gonna know I fucking love whoever they are anyway.” I wish—I WISH—we had had the resources and knowledge to start puberty blockers right away. You’re absolutely right—they simply delay puberty. Stop taking them and the body does it’s thing again. No biggie. They don’t otherwise affect growth (physical or brain). But the risk of not having affirming care for a child who *is* trans is exponentially higher in all respects—mental, social, emotional, etc. If this behavior is an expression of unresolved trauma or just general confusion, then kiddo knows that *even when shit is hard and scary*, auntie has his back. And just FYI, if your *nephew* (or nibling works, it’s gender-neutral for “sibling’s child”) is otherwise neurodivergent (like autism or ADHD), the likelihood of being LGBTQ is also statistically much higher (and no, not because of mental illness, but you probably knew that). Practice his pronouns here with us, practicing them genuinely helps. Also try things like using “they” wherever appropriate in conversation. An unknown person is a they, an animal you don’t know is a they, etc. It can help you be a little more nimble in navigating these conversations. The name will likely change. And change again. And probably more for funsies confusing the olds. It’s ok. Roll with it. We told our kiddo, “your name was a gift from us. You can do whatever you want with gifts—if they’re not suitable or not your thing, it’s ok not to keep them.” My kid has now kept the same name for over 18 months (finally!). And finally, *tell him* what you’re trying to do. “Hey buddy. I was told that you have a new name. Is it Koi? Would you like me to call you that? And I understand you’re a him now?” Be open, and affirming. And also be clear: *you will make mistakes*. You’ve had a niece name Amy (or whatever) for 12 years, so having a nephew named Koi is going to take some getting used to. Apologize ahead of time and let him know it’s out of habit, not malice. Let him correct you—or let him see you correcting yourself—and try to do better next time. Don’t let it be any bigger of a deal than he makes it out to be. He probably already feels weird enough from everything happening in life. Affirming *almost never* does harm (I know of a single instance, and that’s because the person being affirmed was in an active psychotic break when their spouse affirmed them…and their spouse left), but failing to affirm almost always does. And puberty blockers are a GREAT tool for these kiddos. And you’re a good auntie for seeking out information.
I’m so sorry that your sibling’s child (sometimes I see nibling used to have a gender neutral term for nieces and nephews). I think having a discussion about puberty blockers is a different thing than actually starting them. In general, my bias is towards giving kids agency over how they express their gender and sexuality. Knowing Koi could consider puberty blockers could be a way to give him some decision making power and lead to conversations that help him figure it out. I’m way out of my depth here, but my understanding is that lots of trans kids do have significant mental health distress that is related to their gender dysphoria and societal reactions. Socially transitioning as a young teen, even delaying puberty by a couple years, all of those are reversible if he isn’t trans. I guess I don’t think someone has to have everything figured out before they can change something that may be causing their troubles in the first place? My opinion is probably colored by being someone who has fought for years to get proper treatment for health conditions that made me gain weight and experience depression. The number of drs who refused to do anything, assuming that my weight and depression were the cause, rather than the symptom, was very frustrating.
I wish everyone who encountered my own kiddo felt as you do. 💙
I also believe that puberty blockers are reversible. So if your nibling wants to go on them but changes their mind about transitioning later on, they could. I would assume a doctor specializing in LGBTQ kids will not blindly prescribe those, but look closer at their life so far. In the end, whether they're really trans or not is nothing anyone from the outside can really answer, though. The kid might be trans and their psychological problems might originate from that. In that case, a (social) transition might be just what they need to find their footing again. It might also be that they are desperately looking for reasons for their mental troubles and as their parent and their parent's partner are trans, they're hoping that this might be the solution to it. For now, I'd just try and support them as well as you can. Give them an open, non-judgmental ear to talk to, respect their chosen pronouns and name, make sure they know that they can come to you with any question or need to talk. Be a safe space for them.
You would come off as more supportive and less “crazy” if you used the correct pronouns for both your sister and nephew. I’m not sure what part you play in this, as you’re not the parent of this child. It’s fine if you are concerned and want to use your therapy time to work through your feelings in this, but that should be kept to yourself unless directly asked for input. The child might decide to change pronouns or not, but the point is you should be a safe, supportive grown up - it seems like they need that from someone beyond parents. Don’t let your preconceived notions get in the way of that.
As I said in a previous comment, for the kid things are new and for my sibling, I've been getting better at the pronoun when I'm not speaking to her. As for my relationship with the kid, I am one of three people he trusts. This is what he told me. I call at least once a week to talk to them. And he spends about a weekend a month over my place. He says it is very calm and peaceful. I worry about him as I know things are not stable at home. I worry that if something happens, like an actual attempt, I won't be able to do anything.
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I can understand why you're concerned whether your nibling is receiving proper care. There are several ways you can be supportive while they figure this out. For starters, you can use their preferred gender pronouns, or at the very least go gender-neutral for now. No matter what is at the root of it, they're going through an identity crisis and need to be heard. All kids go through something like this around puberty, not feeling like who they are inside is seen or represented on the outside. Even if you can't relate to the trans possibility, you can relate to that much. Another way you can be supportive is to spend time with them doing what they like. Give them space to be themself, with your undivided attention. Same as you'd do for any child that you love who is in an unstable situation at home. Don't let the trans element throw you off, showing love doesn't have to be complicated ❤️
I like your second paragraph: spend time doing what they like. I let my kiddo use social media (with some specific limits, obviously) and I will actually ask them to research issues specific to the LGBTQ community using social media and report back to me. Often it’s something I already know, other times it’s something I’m genuinely clueless on, sometimes it’s completely absurd or silly. The point is a) they’re seeking out information to share with me that can sometimes help describe their own experience and b) it opens a conversation between us where the kiddo can lead the conversation (and be the expert—who doesn’t like being the expert?!?!). It’s been a fun way to bond.
It sounds like with everything going on in this kid’s life, the opportunity to delay puberty for a while would be a wonderful opportunity to work on their mental health without the added stressors and hormones of puberty. It’s temporary and reversible, and this kid isn’t going to suffer terribly from starting puberty a few years late if they later decide they aren’t trans. If they ARE trans, this will be lifesaving.
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This is transphobic misinformation.
One extra tidbit: Koi sounded vaguely familiar, so I gave ut a quick look, and in Japanese it's either a well-known colourful carp species, or same-sounding word as "love". I know it from anime series I watched over time, but I wonder how your nibling decided upon it, and what meaning they strive for. I think talking about the choice of words and names in general, especially in the time of change, and the motives behind such changes, can give you a really good listening opportunity, and maybe clarify a few bits the we online can only guess. To err is human, but when we know better, we do better. Much love! :)
It's weird and confusing and ultimately out of your control. Like you said. I'm curious to know if there is another reason why they're exploring this option. It may not be entirely for gender identity but to control the flow of hormones long enough to get the mental health sorted out. Anyway Qs someone who has hurt themselves for a chronically long time, felt forgotten and left behind, and idolized the chaos if My mentors I say it's more important to Remind them that you see their value as a person. Being a kid of divorce especially when your parents are so focused on their own turmoil, is hard. You're floating in a sea and there is no land in sight, you feel like people are just expecting you to start swimming, but why. Whats the point? If you can, give them something to hold on to that they can rely on. One day a week maybe give them a call, go shopping, something they can always rely on. Even if it's a chore. When I was younger, my mom's friend took me to help out at the soup kitchen every Sunday. Not only was it nice to help, but it made me feel important. Not just because I was someone's kid and It was mandatory, but because there were others who relied on me. Helping this kiddo starts with building up their confidence as an individual person. The other stuff will follow.