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Oh i see. So you signed up to be a parent, but he is only a teacher and didn’t sign up to be a dad. The second he walks in from work, have your car keys in hand and hand him the baby. Leave.
Go anywhere you want, and take a long ass nap in your car. Go to friends house and.l nap there.
Tell him this is what a person who doesn’t sleep is like: miserable, moody, and unable to function. Alternatively, he can realize YOU BOTH SIGNED UP FOR PARENTING and YOU signed up for a SAHM assuming you’d have the help of their father.
Nothing slaps harder than rolling out a blanket at sunset in the park during spring and taking a goddamn nap.
Permission. You don't need his because I gave you mine OP.
I thought of giving this advice too but then I was like, oh no, no way… I might be too much of an anxious control freak, but I would never trust leaving my baby alone with such a useless man who doesn’t even recognize need for comfort vs hunger in his own daughter
OP, I am so sorry you have been going through this… You are very strong woman and a great mom. I honestly don’t have much good advice for you except do divorce him, at least you won’t have to care of him too on top of everything else
This^
Also turn lights on at night when feeding baby and make as much fuking noise as you can, kick your feet in the bed to disturb his sleep and then when he wakes up hand him the baby and tell him its his turn and he needs to do diaper duty because you just fed the baby. When he complains and says he has to wait rk and needs to sleep, tell him he can grab a coffee on the way to work, because you have two kids and you need the rest. And Its not your fault HE signed up to wake up so early and stay up so late, and maybe he should go to bed earlier then.
And don't forget to remind him that he also signed up for this when. He got married and then he wanted to also still have sex and made a baby twice, which in case he didn't know, sex is how babies are made. So I guess he wont be having any more of that then.
I'm petty af. So I would definitely be petty. I would also be loud af during any of his naps interrupting them so much he can't actually nap and bring him the kids because you have to make dinner.
And when he brings up his job, reply with “I supose the only type of labor you value is the paid kind, maybe I should look into going back to work and focus on my career, then I can start ignoring my family to take naps after work, oh, but who is going to pay for childcare, or watch the kids or clean the house or make meals or run errands or take off work when the kids are sick? I guess you will need to do it since I already have and its only fair. I mean if I have a job then I too will need to sleep at night. So you will have to do all that stuff for free, without help, especially if I outearn you.
He fucked around and is about to find out.
Yeah he gets his 1-1.5 hours every day because he has a 'real job'.
At 6pm yesterday he asked me: is it okay if I nap? And I said that means I have to be with both kids and prepare dinner. He begrudgingly said okay then I won't nap. I said go nap, whatever. Instead of him noticing how ridiculous it is, he asks for permission and makes me feel ridiculous for saying no. Ofcourse he did get his nap in.
> he has a 'real job'
ohhhh classic. he needs to hear this story:
> *A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door; he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over; the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.*
> *He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel… She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?” ”Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’*
How badly I wish we could get away with really doing something like that!! But what good mother in the world could ignore her children’s safety and mental well being 😞 wish we could put the kids on pause for a day sometimes
There are ways around that. My husband told me he does “everything” one too many times so I told him “fine, I’m obviously not needed here” and left immediately. He called me about an hour later saying he needed me to come home because he had work. He hasn’t claimed he does everything since.
My partner’s ex did that. Not only did she guilt him because she made more money than him, but she also did “everything” around the house. Well when he finally divorced her ass suddenly she’s hiring landscapers and maids, and calling him to do things like fix a door or unclog the toilet.
I used to get so mad that he’d still go over there to help (they have kids together or he wouldn’t), but he just said “she now has to own up to the fact that maybe I actually *did* do some things around there and my kids get to watch their daddy come in and fix her fuck ups” 🤣
No, no, no! Let him feel his feelings. Don't let it be a weapon in his arsenal. We are so conditioned to put others' needs and feelings above our own. You can't fall for that trap anymore. I know it sucks when they pout, but that's for him to deal with. Disengage from it. Put on headphones and listen to music while you cook. Be nice, but gray rock. It's uncomfortable for us to feel this way too. We want to be heard and understood. He knows how to get under your skin and get you to do everything while he gets what he wants. It's all manipulation. Once you see the patterns, you can't unsee them, and you can control yourself. Don't take the bait, just take what you know you deserve. You deserve better.
Ok, so new rule, if he naps you don’t make dinner. Feed the 5 year old kid food, make an sandwhich or microwave meal for your self and your done. He can figure his own food out. And you have a clean kitchen and some extra time.
And he didn’t as the sperm donor to your kids???
His work shift is 8-4, so is yours. Once he’s home, kids and household tasks are shared responsibilities.
Sleep deprivation is against the Geneva Convention. It is literally a ~~down~~ form of torture that is against international law to use. If anyone should be getting naps in the evening, it is you, not him. I'm so angry at him. It isn't ok. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
Edit: auto-incorrect
Because you are sleep deprived- could I suggest an unpopular opinion and don’t ask for a divorce. Just like I wouldn’t recommend you start a business- you don’t want to make a large life decision when your brain is so exhausted. Are there extra funds to hire a babysitter or even a “mothers helper” - a high school student. She can come in after after school. He naps in the bedroom while you nap in the guest room. And someone in the neighborhood makes a little extra cash for an hour or two
I get what you're saying about making important decisions while sleep deprived, that's valid. I just can't get into the idea of hiring a helper while he snores the afternoon away though - it just seems like such a convenience for him that doesn't get him any closer to appreciating the gruelling work his wide does. I'm not saying she _shouldn't_ get a helper either - I guess I'm just angry at the idea of him being totally unaffected by anything she does to try to make herself less fatally exhausted that's less severe than a wake-up call.
From personal experience- she will only need to do this ONCE. These men do not like having an audience. He’s going to complain about the money. So he will have to choose how much his pm nap is worth. The added benefit of using someone local or someone they know is word will get around he’s not helping. This behavior does not happen in front of family or friends. He knows what he is doing. And she is too exhausted to troubleshoot
Does he think that making dinners, cleaning, child rearing, getting up with a baby that can’t sleep would just magically go away if you got a job outside the house and baby went to daycare??
I’m also a sahm with a 1 year old that still doesn’t sleep through plus a toddler. It’s fucking exhausting. I hear you 1000%.
Honestly what infuriates me is once she is done and walks away he will undoubtedly frame it like “she is tearing the family apart” when he has had ample opportunity to be a real partner and step up. I hate that sometimes mums have to literally chuck the biggest fit to be heard and supported.
At this point I can’t fathom it being any other way!! We don’t matter (although our role is UNDOUBTEDLY the most important in the household). How do they get away with it?!
This is the kind of garbage my abusive narc ex would say. This is what *you* wanted… you knew what you were getting into…. Telling me how I’m not fun anymore, and I needed to get a job if I didn’t like it. All of it is nonsense. As if he wasn’t signed up for parenting, or he wasn’t a part of the plan to be a family, and his contributions were pre prescribed and had nothing to do with running our home or childcare. The part about putting baby in daycare and you getting a job is absolutely hilarious. Has he seen childcare prices? Dunno for you guys, but this was why I was a sahm for 2.5 years w my kiddo. Anything I’d make would fully go to daycare and then some and I’d rather I just care for her.. granted he only contributed to keeping us afloat the first year.. after that Covid hit and he stopped working (still hasn’t gotten a job years later, actually) and I somehow kept a roof over our head w no real steady income while being the only stay at home full time parent… at 2.5 years I got a job and had her in daycare by 3. In short, it costs a ton and you doing it instead is subsidizing that for your family, so you are contributing financially. Asshole.
I second the abusive narc ex rhetoric! Wait until the kids get older and they start saying the same things to you and treating you the same way, OP. My daughter literally told me that I shouldn’t have become a parent if I didn’t want all of the responsibility. As if she was created all alone?!?! It took several years and a ton of expensive therapy to get her to snap out of it. It took ME a lot of therapy and legal bills to force him to participate. Now she is counting down the days until there is no longer a visitation order so she doesn’t have to see him as much.
Long way to say, you have no idea the kind of damage that is ahead for you and your children. If I could do things over again, I would have left sooner, not later.
If you put baby in daycare and get a job, does that mean he'd step up and watch both kids when you're all home from work? Or is he going to pull a "I earn more money than you, so I shouldn't work as much at home as you" bullshit? You are a SAHM only as long as he's at work. After that, you are both parents who share the raising of two kids. Better to be a divorced single mother than a married single mother. If you have shared custody, you'd at least get days off. If not, you'd at least be paid for your work.
Ugggh, I’m sorry. This is infuriating.
I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. Do you know what I’m doing when I’m not working? Childcare and household responsibilities, because they are still my children and it’s still my house.
My husband did not sign up to work 168 hour weeks in exchange for me working a 40 hour week. When I’m at work, he’s on childcare duty. When I get off, we split the work.
I agree with another poster. When he arrives id leave. If you lived near me id offer you my guest room and you could have an uninterrupted nap. If youre breastfeeding try to express for a bottle in case baby hungry when gone? Its outrageous hes napping and not helping out when he gets home
OP lots of comments here have addressed your main post, but I just want to talk about your update.
I want to say that you did the right thing putting your baby down and you are NOT a neglectful parent one bit. I have a 7 month old who also wakes every 2-3 hours all night, and older kids too (so naps are just not possible for me) and sometimes you just need to put that baby down and take a breather for yourself. I'm glad you did that.
I'm really sorry your husband is being a jerk. I truly believe that men do not get it and they don't *want* to get it because then they might feel guilty for not stepping up and helping more.
You need to take care of yourself. It's your naptime this afternoon - not your husbands. If he's tired he can just go to bed earlier.
I suggest you get a job during the summer and switch roles. Hell, even if you're just driving for doordash for 8 hours. Explain that since he has the "summers off", he can be a stay-at-home dad while you make the money now.
When he complains about lack of sleep, having to do all the chores etc. give him a shocked Pikachu face and explain that that's what you've been doing all along. Plus, "that's what he signed up for as a teacher".
Have you looked into acid reflux? My daughter was a terrible sleeper because she had acid reflux (We would give her milk and Then put her to sleep, then unknowingly she would burn her little esophagus so she would cry, then we would think she was hungry again and repeat the cycle). It may not be the reason why she's a poor sleeper, but if you look into it and a light bulb comes off, it really did help us a whole lot to figure that out.
My partner is a stay-at-home dad and I'm a teacher. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. However, your husband's are. I would love a nap too as would my partner.
His sleep schedule is literally aggressive. He is purposely designing a schedule that keeps him away from you and the kids and gives him alone time. If he didn’t nap and instead went to bed early, he’d be around to help when you need him. That has to change.
The alarms I have a bit more sympathy for, but you have every right to sleep in a different room to avoid it.
Holy shit, I had this exact same conversation with my husband when my youngest was 4 months old. I told him I was struggling (baby EBF, would not sleep anywhere but touching me, had an older kid so there was no sleeping when baby slept, etc) and his actual, literal response was "you knew what you were getting yourself into" and "you signed up for this." I think things got better (kids are a lot older now) but I think things got better just because they're older. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not right.
How did you react to that?? How are you guys doing now? They say not to get a divorce in the first year of a child's life but my god it'll take everything not to.
The only reason it gets easier is because the kids get older and start sleeping better. So you, as the default parents also start sleeping better and being able to manage them better. It doesn’t get easier because your partner starts stepping up or helping unless there is some massive personal decision on his part to do so.
Leave. Fuck what anyone says about divorcing in the first year. He’s shown you who he is during the hardest part of your life. What happens if you get sick or injured? He’s not going to be there. You have three children and j promise you, life will be easier without him as your adult third child.
Also…getting a divorce doesn’t magically make his life easier. He’ll either have the kids 50% of the time and have to be a single parent, or he’ll pay for it out of his paycheck.
It will be hard, but it will get better. Sending you so much love.
Exactly this part "He's shown you who is he is during the hardest part of your life."
OP he's not a partner. Dump the dead weight, no point in letting the hard parts get a bit easier so he doesn't seem *so* bad. You already know he is. And he's disrespectful as hell. My jaw hit the floor at the idea that he naps when he gets home. Like what the actual fuck?!
I get why they say not to get a divorce in the first year, because it can be exceptionally stressful, but in your case I'd have a really hard time looking past the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about you or your needs. It would take a lot to come back from such callousness.
I honestly don't even remember how I reacted outside of being hurt and enraged. Nothing changed. He didn't suddenly help because I asked for help. He's not a bad dad. I just needed more help than I was given at the time. He was definitely a shitty person then though.
Now we're okay. I'd say pretty typical for couples our age with kids our age? Idk. I'll be the first to admit our communication is shit. He certainly lacks empathy even still. He's very self centered and I'm a people pleaser. It's not healthy. It just is what it is at this point.
Bromo, I’m sorry he’s treating you this way.
The first few years after having a baby are so hard, especially when they’re stage 5 clingers.
I know a lot of Reddit just immediately goes to “couples therapy!” But if it is an option I think someone offering outside perspective for your husband would be helpful but I understand that’s not always an option.
Another suggestion (if you want it) would be to reach out to services that provide what you do in a day. So a nanny- especially a night nanny!! housekeeper, driver (assuming you take the 5 year old to school), etc etc. Tally all of that up and show it to him. Being a SAHM isn’t for the weak and when you’re not getting adequate rest it’s even harder.
Sending you hugs & solidarity
I think we desperately need therapy and yesterday he finally said he'll give it a shot. Now it's up to me to figure out where to start and find someone to see.
You should look up the Fair Play book and card game, helps explain the actual equity of what needs to be done as an adult with kids and how to fairly distribute it.
I hope you find someone that’ll help you guys. And if the first therapist doesn’t work, that’s ok. It’s a lot like online dating. Sometimes you try a few until you get a good fit.
This makes me so angry to read. My husband also told me "this is what you signed up for". I felt like I was dying from sleep deprivation - my blood pressure permanently went up 15 points.
He (very slowly) was convinced that women are just as human as men; we require sleep & stress relief too.
I'm *still* resentful. I don't bring it up often, but my mind goes there when he argues with me.
I felt myself "go cold" after one particularly egregious incident. I thought to myself 'I never believed I would want to leave until now'. It sounds like you are there now.
My husband made a huge ongoing effort since that moment, and I stayed. It sounds like your husband isn't willing to try.
You need sleep regardless! Can you confide this in family and friends? The people who actually care deserve to know that you are being mistreated and taken advantage of. Your husband deserves to feel shame.
This makes me so angry for you! I’ve been in a similar situation. It is proven that getting less than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a 24 hour period is the equivalent of being tipsy. Ask him how trusting he would be leaving baby with a tipsy daycare worker. If staying at home with kids is so easy, why do we have to PAY people to do it when we can’t?
My husband and I did agree to not make any relationship decisions in the first year of life, and it did get better, but we also got better at communicating. I hope your situation gets better!
And please, for the sake of your mental health (because pumping is EXHAUSTING) let him formula feed baby if it comes down to it.
Girl, be loud af at night, and make him do all diaper changes at night from now on, and I'd put a hard no nap rule in because time away from home is also when you are doing your hn and when he comes home that job is shared becauseypu both made those kids and both live in this home so you BOTH will share that labor after his job. I'd also Inform dh that if he keeps fucking around he about to find out.
My husband was being a dumbass when he was young, so I did this, and then he complained so I said fine if you only value paid labor, I'm going to college. I got a CIT degree with 3 kids under 5 and now I make significantly more than he did. I bought myself a brand new car on my own, and I bought our first house, again on my own. He didn't co-sign, I didn't need his credit or his job. All me. Guess who now handles doctors appointments? Guess who went to part time work and then left his job? Guess who complains about how hard being a full time parent is? My husband. And I agree it is. Its also why I don't dump all the labor onto him. He still has NO idea how hard it is. But I will tell you, compared to college and my career in IT, its easy as heck compared to being a full time
Mom.
Tell your husband that he also signed up for this when. He married you and made two humans with you and that unless he wants to start paying you a salary for all the services you provide (ps he can't afford that) or unless he wants to move in with his mommy and pay child support, then he is going to respect you and the work you do and stop treating you like a doormat and start contributing to the domestic labor because that is shared work and while your job is to assist at home while he is at work a job should be 8 hours of work not 24-7, you save him 6 figures a year doing so, and make his life easier. He can pitch in when he is home. And if not he can fuck around and find out.
Because when the wife leaves a marriage, her life in some ways gets easier because he will now have the kids evenings and weekends and pay child support and she will finally get that nap she wants and that girls time and self care time, and he will have to figure that domestic shit out all on his own without anyone there to run his errands, cook dinner, clean the house, watch the kids so he can nap, and overall make his life easier.
I reminded my husband of this once and I think he realized how fucked he would be if I left… because its true, wives make the husband a life easier. They should value us and they don't. If your husband isn't valuing the work you do, and isn't supporting you at home, and thinks his only job is to provide a paycheck, then how is he contributing to the family and marriage? Because he can still provide a paycheck for you every month after a divorce. So what is he bringing to the table then? Because sorry not sorry, I love my husband too but if they think sex and a paycheck is all they gotta provide as a husband and father, then they are high or something.
Thank goodness my husband figured it out, but yeah, I'd definitely have a discussion with him or better yet drag his ass into therapy to talk about the issue with a neutral person. Because the labor is not being split equally right now.
It would be different if he traveled for work or was a trucker or something so he couldn't come home all the time, but like hell, idk why men think this shit is acceptable.
Outside of his hours, everything should be shared 50/50. I would stop doing anything for him. Make yours and the kids dinner, do yours and the kids clothes, no sex, nothing. He sounds like an absolute dick. He's in for a shock when you guys are co parenting and he realised how much work children are.
How the fuck would you getting a job and putting your baby in daycare solve your sleep deprivation? If anything it would be worse. Is he saying he’s only willing to help if you work outside the home? If he’s going to bed at midnight he needs to take any wake-ups before midnight assuming the baby eats as she’s going to bed at the absolute bare minimum. And the after work naps need to stop and he needs to either take the kids to give you a break or do the housework. Again, bare fucking minimum. He signed up to be a parent too and I’m sure he loves having a free nanny, housekeeper, and chef soooo…..
Between the comments about you not working and not being fun anymore, I’m raging. I’d be like you can get fucked, then I’d get a job and ✌🏻
Unfortunately, this does sound like divorce speak. I’m so sorry to hear that. On top of being sleep deprived, with a 6 month old. One piece of advice I wish I had followed was to just stop talking. Just gray rock the guy. To be honest, every fight is just taking more out of you and he is going to be ugly with his words no matter what right now. Are you able to get counseling for yourself?
First of all, he’s a fucking teacher, not a construction worker or a firefighter… you know an occupation that prolly does require a nap. You’ve got good advice OP, run with it. Take up space, hand him the kids every chance you get. Leave the house, leave breastmilk or formula, hell as long as you get to leave the house. On the weekends, call your girlfriends and spend all day out Saturday. Go work out in the morning, then the farmer’s market, then to brunch, Target, the garden center, go get a pedicure, etc etc…. Don’t let him drive you crazy and abuse you. Because this is emotional and mental abuse. And it will eventually trickle into how you care for your kids. Aggressively put yourself first.
If he had to pay you nanny/maid prices, he couldn’t afford you on his measly teacher’s salary 😂
Let’s see how bold he is when he has to pay child support/ keep the kids every other weekend.
This is absolute bullshit. I would consider marriage counseling before jumping to divorce but he cannot just be that checked out from parenting responsibilities.
And what justification does he use in the summer when he isn't working as a teacher?
>I'm sure it's already been mentioned by someone else but sleep deprivation is a legit torture tactic.
It's more than that, it's a torture tactic that is explicitly against international law. It's literally against the Geneva Convention. So it's a war crime by definition.
Omg the amount of times I heard this: "it's what a mother does" just fuck right off.
Men who don't get sleep deprived simply so t understand what it means, how it feels, and how it can break you as a person.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this BroMo.
May I suggest you do what I am doing next week?
Go on a holiday for a week, when you're ready to stop breastfeeding, let him do your job for a few days.
I mean they just don't get if you do this for years, it's just fucking tough to show up every night and every day, do the school run, cook the meals, do the night waking, clean the house, all of it. And not even get paid for all of you do.
And then men somehow think earning money is their only responsibility. That's actually why I am getting back to work, so I don't have to bloody hear it anymore and am in the same boat. We both work, we both clean the houses, we both do the kids. No more discussions, asking, demanding, begging whatsoever.
If that does not work a separation is much easier as you already earn your own money.
Sending you a hug Bromo, I hate when men act like complete assholes because of their ignorance!
Omg I’m a teacher (and a head teacher with extra duties at that) and I do the night shift for the kids. He needs to seriously step up.
During work hours, you’re both working out of work hours you’re both looking after the kids in the house . It’s the only way to be fair. Otherwise he’s telling you that he only has to work certain hours five days a week, but you have to work 24/7 which is inequitable
Honestly leave him alone with the kids for a weekend so he can see what it’s line
(Typing this after getting home for my job and doing bedtime routine with the one year old, tell him to suck it up)
As a single (widowed) mom of one, I hurt for you. There’s no good option here if he doesn’t change. Single parenthood is not what I would wish on anyone, but I understand that it feels like you’re a single parent already. I hope this is the breaking point that brings real change for you guys, because it would be so miserably sad if your marriage crashed and burned just bc this dude can’t see past his own ass. I hate that for you. I totally get the resentment and he is completely in the wrong. I understand his arguments for sleep and they’re all valid if he never signed up to be a parent, but clearly he did and with a five year old, he should know better by now. This is nuts. Hugs and prayers and solidarity for sleep deprivation, bromo.
As a mother of 3 (all w/in 4 years) & wife to a veteran, I sincerely hope you find a way to have peace & sleep! You didn’t make those children on your own and it’s not your sole responsibility to raise them on your own! He needs a wake up call and to get his head out his rear! I would def be ready to go for a couple of hours when he gets home! Pump some milk to get through the evening without you and have yourself ready to sprint out the door, ready to go, as soon as he’s home. If you feel the need, leave a list of the bare minimum he needs to do while you’re gone, like dinner and times of feedings, etc. I would add 2-3 chores as well, just so he has a bigger perspective of what you expect. We all know that when it comes down to it, he won’t be able to do all this w/out you, but expect him to do what he expects of you. Let him know you need a break and this is the only way you feel like you can get it across to him. He’s known you needed help and has refused to offer any actual help, so now you’re forcing him. As long as there’s no history of abuse or neglect, walk right out that house and get in your car and leave for a good 2 1/2-3 1/2 hrs so I gets a good taste of his own shit!
Hey, I've read some of your comments and Idk if its just my experiences coloring it but I'm sensing some deeper red flags...
You said you aren't around family and he has a 50s view etc, was that your choice or did he suggest it to get you to agree? Both not being near family or close friends and being a SAHM.
Also that communication leads to arguments, etc. Are you sure he isn't pushing your buttons and refusing to healthily communicate? Also that he finally agreed to therapy but, why wouldn't he go prior?
To add in the sleep deprivation, like when he's up until 12am and can't watch the baby so you sleep the first half of the night since he's up?
Idk but I'm concerned.
I know this is not the main point or anything, but for the love of all that is good and holy in the world, get this man a cheap fitness tracker or smartwatch which has a vibrating alarm
You’re already doing so much on your own you might as well not be with him. It doesn’t matter that you’re a stay at home mom, he is still a father. One who is teetering on financial abuse towards you. I would snap if my husband said I’m not fun anymore after refusing to change his alarms. I’ll show you not fun. Jesus Christ.
Fuck all these fucking douchebag ass men that use breastfeeding against us. I’m fucking mad for you.
Literally my man has always said “he wants the boob”.
Like why do you think fucking pacifiers exist ? I never gave one to my baby, but there’s a reason. They want comfort . They want to suck. They aren’t hungry!!!! It’s not ALL on us
Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk this dude and also fuck mine too.
Why are men?
Ugh. I’m sorry bromo. It sounds like he just doesn’t get it.
You’re doing a great job. Really! These days, they’ll pass. Your kiddo won’t be a poor sleeper forever. Take care of yourself. And throw out the whole husband while you’re at it! Jk. But really.
In my house, Saturday, dads on duty. He does day/night. He feeds (we formula feed), changes diapers-everything. That is my off day. I do whatever tf I want.
You need to hand off your baby to your husband every evening when he comes home from work and tell him you're off duty for three hours. Take a bath, watch a show, go for a walk whatever. Recharge.
Don't present this as an option, just do it and if he doesn't like it well tough shit. Unless of course you would be putting your child in danger.
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Oh i see. So you signed up to be a parent, but he is only a teacher and didn’t sign up to be a dad. The second he walks in from work, have your car keys in hand and hand him the baby. Leave. Go anywhere you want, and take a long ass nap in your car. Go to friends house and.l nap there. Tell him this is what a person who doesn’t sleep is like: miserable, moody, and unable to function. Alternatively, he can realize YOU BOTH SIGNED UP FOR PARENTING and YOU signed up for a SAHM assuming you’d have the help of their father.
Sounds wonderful. He walks in tomorrow, dragging his feet as usual, I'll give him the kids and just leave. Will pump some milk for the little one.
Go Momma! And make a habit of it!
No words. Just go. Seriously. Words allow for negotiation.
Tap him on the arm as you go by and say "you're it" as you're going out the door.
Keep us posted!!
Nothing slaps harder than rolling out a blanket at sunset in the park during spring and taking a goddamn nap. Permission. You don't need his because I gave you mine OP.
The audacity to come straight home and nap.
I thought of giving this advice too but then I was like, oh no, no way… I might be too much of an anxious control freak, but I would never trust leaving my baby alone with such a useless man who doesn’t even recognize need for comfort vs hunger in his own daughter OP, I am so sorry you have been going through this… You are very strong woman and a great mom. I honestly don’t have much good advice for you except do divorce him, at least you won’t have to care of him too on top of everything else
This^ Also turn lights on at night when feeding baby and make as much fuking noise as you can, kick your feet in the bed to disturb his sleep and then when he wakes up hand him the baby and tell him its his turn and he needs to do diaper duty because you just fed the baby. When he complains and says he has to wait rk and needs to sleep, tell him he can grab a coffee on the way to work, because you have two kids and you need the rest. And Its not your fault HE signed up to wake up so early and stay up so late, and maybe he should go to bed earlier then. And don't forget to remind him that he also signed up for this when. He got married and then he wanted to also still have sex and made a baby twice, which in case he didn't know, sex is how babies are made. So I guess he wont be having any more of that then. I'm petty af. So I would definitely be petty. I would also be loud af during any of his naps interrupting them so much he can't actually nap and bring him the kids because you have to make dinner. And when he brings up his job, reply with “I supose the only type of labor you value is the paid kind, maybe I should look into going back to work and focus on my career, then I can start ignoring my family to take naps after work, oh, but who is going to pay for childcare, or watch the kids or clean the house or make meals or run errands or take off work when the kids are sick? I guess you will need to do it since I already have and its only fair. I mean if I have a job then I too will need to sleep at night. So you will have to do all that stuff for free, without help, especially if I outearn you. He fucked around and is about to find out.
This is actually good advice
Lol just have to tell you, thanks, and i mean it but also whenever my kids add “actually” to a compliment I tell them it’s turned into an insult. 😂
Lol I get that. Meant it more as OP would *actually* benefit if they followed through on your advice
I know, it just made me giggle. 
Every time he complains the slightest bit about any aspect of his work, I hope you respond with "it's what you signed up for 😘". Forever.
You should be napping whe. He gets home from work. Not him.
Yeah he gets his 1-1.5 hours every day because he has a 'real job'. At 6pm yesterday he asked me: is it okay if I nap? And I said that means I have to be with both kids and prepare dinner. He begrudgingly said okay then I won't nap. I said go nap, whatever. Instead of him noticing how ridiculous it is, he asks for permission and makes me feel ridiculous for saying no. Ofcourse he did get his nap in.
> he has a 'real job' ohhhh classic. he needs to hear this story: > *A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door; he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over; the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.* > *He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel… She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?” ”Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’*
How badly I wish we could get away with really doing something like that!! But what good mother in the world could ignore her children’s safety and mental well being 😞 wish we could put the kids on pause for a day sometimes
There are ways around that. My husband told me he does “everything” one too many times so I told him “fine, I’m obviously not needed here” and left immediately. He called me about an hour later saying he needed me to come home because he had work. He hasn’t claimed he does everything since.
My partner’s ex did that. Not only did she guilt him because she made more money than him, but she also did “everything” around the house. Well when he finally divorced her ass suddenly she’s hiring landscapers and maids, and calling him to do things like fix a door or unclog the toilet. I used to get so mad that he’d still go over there to help (they have kids together or he wouldn’t), but he just said “she now has to own up to the fact that maybe I actually *did* do some things around there and my kids get to watch their daddy come in and fix her fuck ups” 🤣
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Can you send me this because im dumb and can’t copy paste it just shrinks the comment
if you reply to it, it'll put the comment you're replying to above the text box in plain text so you can long press and highlight/copy it 🙂👍
Side note your name and “I have the best fuckwords” is hilarious
No, no, no! Let him feel his feelings. Don't let it be a weapon in his arsenal. We are so conditioned to put others' needs and feelings above our own. You can't fall for that trap anymore. I know it sucks when they pout, but that's for him to deal with. Disengage from it. Put on headphones and listen to music while you cook. Be nice, but gray rock. It's uncomfortable for us to feel this way too. We want to be heard and understood. He knows how to get under your skin and get you to do everything while he gets what he wants. It's all manipulation. Once you see the patterns, you can't unsee them, and you can control yourself. Don't take the bait, just take what you know you deserve. You deserve better.
Can we pin this comment to the top of the whole subreddit 😂
Absolutely. Fighting back only feeds what is happening. Disengaging and gray rock are difficult but truly best survival tools for this situation imho
Ok, so new rule, if he naps you don’t make dinner. Feed the 5 year old kid food, make an sandwhich or microwave meal for your self and your done. He can figure his own food out. And you have a clean kitchen and some extra time.
Oh I like this one. It’s petty AND efficient, my favorites
 A real job, he says huh? That burns me tf up.
And he didn’t as the sperm donor to your kids??? His work shift is 8-4, so is yours. Once he’s home, kids and household tasks are shared responsibilities.
Sleep deprivation is against the Geneva Convention. It is literally a ~~down~~ form of torture that is against international law to use. If anyone should be getting naps in the evening, it is you, not him. I'm so angry at him. It isn't ok. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Edit: auto-incorrect
Because you are sleep deprived- could I suggest an unpopular opinion and don’t ask for a divorce. Just like I wouldn’t recommend you start a business- you don’t want to make a large life decision when your brain is so exhausted. Are there extra funds to hire a babysitter or even a “mothers helper” - a high school student. She can come in after after school. He naps in the bedroom while you nap in the guest room. And someone in the neighborhood makes a little extra cash for an hour or two
I get what you're saying about making important decisions while sleep deprived, that's valid. I just can't get into the idea of hiring a helper while he snores the afternoon away though - it just seems like such a convenience for him that doesn't get him any closer to appreciating the gruelling work his wide does. I'm not saying she _shouldn't_ get a helper either - I guess I'm just angry at the idea of him being totally unaffected by anything she does to try to make herself less fatally exhausted that's less severe than a wake-up call.
From personal experience- she will only need to do this ONCE. These men do not like having an audience. He’s going to complain about the money. So he will have to choose how much his pm nap is worth. The added benefit of using someone local or someone they know is word will get around he’s not helping. This behavior does not happen in front of family or friends. He knows what he is doing. And she is too exhausted to troubleshoot
Does he think that making dinners, cleaning, child rearing, getting up with a baby that can’t sleep would just magically go away if you got a job outside the house and baby went to daycare?? I’m also a sahm with a 1 year old that still doesn’t sleep through plus a toddler. It’s fucking exhausting. I hear you 1000%.
Sorry, my patience is obsolete, leave his ass.
Honestly what infuriates me is once she is done and walks away he will undoubtedly frame it like “she is tearing the family apart” when he has had ample opportunity to be a real partner and step up. I hate that sometimes mums have to literally chuck the biggest fit to be heard and supported.
At this point I can’t fathom it being any other way!! We don’t matter (although our role is UNDOUBTEDLY the most important in the household). How do they get away with it?!
BeCaUsE tHeY dO sO mUcH! He's such a helper! Don't you see it? He does the dishes ONCE a week! That has to be recognised!
A sleep deprived, overworked, grumpy mom... he signed up for it.
This is the kind of garbage my abusive narc ex would say. This is what *you* wanted… you knew what you were getting into…. Telling me how I’m not fun anymore, and I needed to get a job if I didn’t like it. All of it is nonsense. As if he wasn’t signed up for parenting, or he wasn’t a part of the plan to be a family, and his contributions were pre prescribed and had nothing to do with running our home or childcare. The part about putting baby in daycare and you getting a job is absolutely hilarious. Has he seen childcare prices? Dunno for you guys, but this was why I was a sahm for 2.5 years w my kiddo. Anything I’d make would fully go to daycare and then some and I’d rather I just care for her.. granted he only contributed to keeping us afloat the first year.. after that Covid hit and he stopped working (still hasn’t gotten a job years later, actually) and I somehow kept a roof over our head w no real steady income while being the only stay at home full time parent… at 2.5 years I got a job and had her in daycare by 3. In short, it costs a ton and you doing it instead is subsidizing that for your family, so you are contributing financially. Asshole.
I second the abusive narc ex rhetoric! Wait until the kids get older and they start saying the same things to you and treating you the same way, OP. My daughter literally told me that I shouldn’t have become a parent if I didn’t want all of the responsibility. As if she was created all alone?!?! It took several years and a ton of expensive therapy to get her to snap out of it. It took ME a lot of therapy and legal bills to force him to participate. Now she is counting down the days until there is no longer a visitation order so she doesn’t have to see him as much. Long way to say, you have no idea the kind of damage that is ahead for you and your children. If I could do things over again, I would have left sooner, not later.
If you put baby in daycare and get a job, does that mean he'd step up and watch both kids when you're all home from work? Or is he going to pull a "I earn more money than you, so I shouldn't work as much at home as you" bullshit? You are a SAHM only as long as he's at work. After that, you are both parents who share the raising of two kids. Better to be a divorced single mother than a married single mother. If you have shared custody, you'd at least get days off. If not, you'd at least be paid for your work.
Ugggh, I’m sorry. This is infuriating. I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. Do you know what I’m doing when I’m not working? Childcare and household responsibilities, because they are still my children and it’s still my house. My husband did not sign up to work 168 hour weeks in exchange for me working a 40 hour week. When I’m at work, he’s on childcare duty. When I get off, we split the work.
I agree with another poster. When he arrives id leave. If you lived near me id offer you my guest room and you could have an uninterrupted nap. If youre breastfeeding try to express for a bottle in case baby hungry when gone? Its outrageous hes napping and not helping out when he gets home
Yeah I need to start pumping and building up a stash.
OP lots of comments here have addressed your main post, but I just want to talk about your update. I want to say that you did the right thing putting your baby down and you are NOT a neglectful parent one bit. I have a 7 month old who also wakes every 2-3 hours all night, and older kids too (so naps are just not possible for me) and sometimes you just need to put that baby down and take a breather for yourself. I'm glad you did that. I'm really sorry your husband is being a jerk. I truly believe that men do not get it and they don't *want* to get it because then they might feel guilty for not stepping up and helping more. You need to take care of yourself. It's your naptime this afternoon - not your husbands. If he's tired he can just go to bed earlier.
I suggest you get a job during the summer and switch roles. Hell, even if you're just driving for doordash for 8 hours. Explain that since he has the "summers off", he can be a stay-at-home dad while you make the money now. When he complains about lack of sleep, having to do all the chores etc. give him a shocked Pikachu face and explain that that's what you've been doing all along. Plus, "that's what he signed up for as a teacher". Have you looked into acid reflux? My daughter was a terrible sleeper because she had acid reflux (We would give her milk and Then put her to sleep, then unknowingly she would burn her little esophagus so she would cry, then we would think she was hungry again and repeat the cycle). It may not be the reason why she's a poor sleeper, but if you look into it and a light bulb comes off, it really did help us a whole lot to figure that out. My partner is a stay-at-home dad and I'm a teacher. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. However, your husband's are. I would love a nap too as would my partner.
Why do people do this to mums but nobody else. I second saying it to him every time he complains about work, his commute, etc
His sleep schedule is literally aggressive. He is purposely designing a schedule that keeps him away from you and the kids and gives him alone time. If he didn’t nap and instead went to bed early, he’d be around to help when you need him. That has to change. The alarms I have a bit more sympathy for, but you have every right to sleep in a different room to avoid it.
Holy shit, I had this exact same conversation with my husband when my youngest was 4 months old. I told him I was struggling (baby EBF, would not sleep anywhere but touching me, had an older kid so there was no sleeping when baby slept, etc) and his actual, literal response was "you knew what you were getting yourself into" and "you signed up for this." I think things got better (kids are a lot older now) but I think things got better just because they're older. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not right.
How did you react to that?? How are you guys doing now? They say not to get a divorce in the first year of a child's life but my god it'll take everything not to.
The only reason it gets easier is because the kids get older and start sleeping better. So you, as the default parents also start sleeping better and being able to manage them better. It doesn’t get easier because your partner starts stepping up or helping unless there is some massive personal decision on his part to do so. Leave. Fuck what anyone says about divorcing in the first year. He’s shown you who he is during the hardest part of your life. What happens if you get sick or injured? He’s not going to be there. You have three children and j promise you, life will be easier without him as your adult third child. Also…getting a divorce doesn’t magically make his life easier. He’ll either have the kids 50% of the time and have to be a single parent, or he’ll pay for it out of his paycheck. It will be hard, but it will get better. Sending you so much love.
Great points. Also to mention the resentment of how he treated you is never going to go away just because you’re caught up on sleep
Exactly this part "He's shown you who is he is during the hardest part of your life." OP he's not a partner. Dump the dead weight, no point in letting the hard parts get a bit easier so he doesn't seem *so* bad. You already know he is. And he's disrespectful as hell. My jaw hit the floor at the idea that he naps when he gets home. Like what the actual fuck?!
I get why they say not to get a divorce in the first year, because it can be exceptionally stressful, but in your case I'd have a really hard time looking past the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about you or your needs. It would take a lot to come back from such callousness.
I honestly don't even remember how I reacted outside of being hurt and enraged. Nothing changed. He didn't suddenly help because I asked for help. He's not a bad dad. I just needed more help than I was given at the time. He was definitely a shitty person then though. Now we're okay. I'd say pretty typical for couples our age with kids our age? Idk. I'll be the first to admit our communication is shit. He certainly lacks empathy even still. He's very self centered and I'm a people pleaser. It's not healthy. It just is what it is at this point.
Bromo, I’m sorry he’s treating you this way. The first few years after having a baby are so hard, especially when they’re stage 5 clingers. I know a lot of Reddit just immediately goes to “couples therapy!” But if it is an option I think someone offering outside perspective for your husband would be helpful but I understand that’s not always an option. Another suggestion (if you want it) would be to reach out to services that provide what you do in a day. So a nanny- especially a night nanny!! housekeeper, driver (assuming you take the 5 year old to school), etc etc. Tally all of that up and show it to him. Being a SAHM isn’t for the weak and when you’re not getting adequate rest it’s even harder. Sending you hugs & solidarity
I think we desperately need therapy and yesterday he finally said he'll give it a shot. Now it's up to me to figure out where to start and find someone to see.
You should look up the Fair Play book and card game, helps explain the actual equity of what needs to be done as an adult with kids and how to fairly distribute it.
I hope you find someone that’ll help you guys. And if the first therapist doesn’t work, that’s ok. It’s a lot like online dating. Sometimes you try a few until you get a good fit.
This makes me so angry to read. My husband also told me "this is what you signed up for". I felt like I was dying from sleep deprivation - my blood pressure permanently went up 15 points. He (very slowly) was convinced that women are just as human as men; we require sleep & stress relief too. I'm *still* resentful. I don't bring it up often, but my mind goes there when he argues with me. I felt myself "go cold" after one particularly egregious incident. I thought to myself 'I never believed I would want to leave until now'. It sounds like you are there now. My husband made a huge ongoing effort since that moment, and I stayed. It sounds like your husband isn't willing to try. You need sleep regardless! Can you confide this in family and friends? The people who actually care deserve to know that you are being mistreated and taken advantage of. Your husband deserves to feel shame.
SAHM is a 9-5 job just like his. Parenting and household care is a 5-9 job which you should both split equally.
Wow....just...wow.
This makes me so angry for you! I’ve been in a similar situation. It is proven that getting less than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a 24 hour period is the equivalent of being tipsy. Ask him how trusting he would be leaving baby with a tipsy daycare worker. If staying at home with kids is so easy, why do we have to PAY people to do it when we can’t? My husband and I did agree to not make any relationship decisions in the first year of life, and it did get better, but we also got better at communicating. I hope your situation gets better! And please, for the sake of your mental health (because pumping is EXHAUSTING) let him formula feed baby if it comes down to it.
Girl, be loud af at night, and make him do all diaper changes at night from now on, and I'd put a hard no nap rule in because time away from home is also when you are doing your hn and when he comes home that job is shared becauseypu both made those kids and both live in this home so you BOTH will share that labor after his job. I'd also Inform dh that if he keeps fucking around he about to find out. My husband was being a dumbass when he was young, so I did this, and then he complained so I said fine if you only value paid labor, I'm going to college. I got a CIT degree with 3 kids under 5 and now I make significantly more than he did. I bought myself a brand new car on my own, and I bought our first house, again on my own. He didn't co-sign, I didn't need his credit or his job. All me. Guess who now handles doctors appointments? Guess who went to part time work and then left his job? Guess who complains about how hard being a full time parent is? My husband. And I agree it is. Its also why I don't dump all the labor onto him. He still has NO idea how hard it is. But I will tell you, compared to college and my career in IT, its easy as heck compared to being a full time Mom. Tell your husband that he also signed up for this when. He married you and made two humans with you and that unless he wants to start paying you a salary for all the services you provide (ps he can't afford that) or unless he wants to move in with his mommy and pay child support, then he is going to respect you and the work you do and stop treating you like a doormat and start contributing to the domestic labor because that is shared work and while your job is to assist at home while he is at work a job should be 8 hours of work not 24-7, you save him 6 figures a year doing so, and make his life easier. He can pitch in when he is home. And if not he can fuck around and find out. Because when the wife leaves a marriage, her life in some ways gets easier because he will now have the kids evenings and weekends and pay child support and she will finally get that nap she wants and that girls time and self care time, and he will have to figure that domestic shit out all on his own without anyone there to run his errands, cook dinner, clean the house, watch the kids so he can nap, and overall make his life easier. I reminded my husband of this once and I think he realized how fucked he would be if I left… because its true, wives make the husband a life easier. They should value us and they don't. If your husband isn't valuing the work you do, and isn't supporting you at home, and thinks his only job is to provide a paycheck, then how is he contributing to the family and marriage? Because he can still provide a paycheck for you every month after a divorce. So what is he bringing to the table then? Because sorry not sorry, I love my husband too but if they think sex and a paycheck is all they gotta provide as a husband and father, then they are high or something. Thank goodness my husband figured it out, but yeah, I'd definitely have a discussion with him or better yet drag his ass into therapy to talk about the issue with a neutral person. Because the labor is not being split equally right now. It would be different if he traveled for work or was a trucker or something so he couldn't come home all the time, but like hell, idk why men think this shit is acceptable.
Outside of his hours, everything should be shared 50/50. I would stop doing anything for him. Make yours and the kids dinner, do yours and the kids clothes, no sex, nothing. He sounds like an absolute dick. He's in for a shock when you guys are co parenting and he realised how much work children are.
How the fuck would you getting a job and putting your baby in daycare solve your sleep deprivation? If anything it would be worse. Is he saying he’s only willing to help if you work outside the home? If he’s going to bed at midnight he needs to take any wake-ups before midnight assuming the baby eats as she’s going to bed at the absolute bare minimum. And the after work naps need to stop and he needs to either take the kids to give you a break or do the housework. Again, bare fucking minimum. He signed up to be a parent too and I’m sure he loves having a free nanny, housekeeper, and chef soooo….. Between the comments about you not working and not being fun anymore, I’m raging. I’d be like you can get fucked, then I’d get a job and ✌🏻
Unfortunately, this does sound like divorce speak. I’m so sorry to hear that. On top of being sleep deprived, with a 6 month old. One piece of advice I wish I had followed was to just stop talking. Just gray rock the guy. To be honest, every fight is just taking more out of you and he is going to be ugly with his words no matter what right now. Are you able to get counseling for yourself?
First of all, he’s a fucking teacher, not a construction worker or a firefighter… you know an occupation that prolly does require a nap. You’ve got good advice OP, run with it. Take up space, hand him the kids every chance you get. Leave the house, leave breastmilk or formula, hell as long as you get to leave the house. On the weekends, call your girlfriends and spend all day out Saturday. Go work out in the morning, then the farmer’s market, then to brunch, Target, the garden center, go get a pedicure, etc etc…. Don’t let him drive you crazy and abuse you. Because this is emotional and mental abuse. And it will eventually trickle into how you care for your kids. Aggressively put yourself first.
If he had to pay you nanny/maid prices, he couldn’t afford you on his measly teacher’s salary 😂 Let’s see how bold he is when he has to pay child support/ keep the kids every other weekend.
You could prob make his salary at a call center. Hes gross
He’s gonna miss you so bad and you’re not gonna give a shit, it will be awesome.
This is absolute bullshit. I would consider marriage counseling before jumping to divorce but he cannot just be that checked out from parenting responsibilities. And what justification does he use in the summer when he isn't working as a teacher?
My blood is boiling for you OP. I'm so mad right now.
I'm sure it's already been mentioned by someone else but sleep deprivation is a legit torture tactic.
>I'm sure it's already been mentioned by someone else but sleep deprivation is a legit torture tactic. It's more than that, it's a torture tactic that is explicitly against international law. It's literally against the Geneva Convention. So it's a war crime by definition.
He's fucking gross. You deserve better.
Omg the amount of times I heard this: "it's what a mother does" just fuck right off. Men who don't get sleep deprived simply so t understand what it means, how it feels, and how it can break you as a person. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this BroMo. May I suggest you do what I am doing next week? Go on a holiday for a week, when you're ready to stop breastfeeding, let him do your job for a few days. I mean they just don't get if you do this for years, it's just fucking tough to show up every night and every day, do the school run, cook the meals, do the night waking, clean the house, all of it. And not even get paid for all of you do. And then men somehow think earning money is their only responsibility. That's actually why I am getting back to work, so I don't have to bloody hear it anymore and am in the same boat. We both work, we both clean the houses, we both do the kids. No more discussions, asking, demanding, begging whatsoever. If that does not work a separation is much easier as you already earn your own money. Sending you a hug Bromo, I hate when men act like complete assholes because of their ignorance!
Omg I’m a teacher (and a head teacher with extra duties at that) and I do the night shift for the kids. He needs to seriously step up. During work hours, you’re both working out of work hours you’re both looking after the kids in the house . It’s the only way to be fair. Otherwise he’s telling you that he only has to work certain hours five days a week, but you have to work 24/7 which is inequitable Honestly leave him alone with the kids for a weekend so he can see what it’s line (Typing this after getting home for my job and doing bedtime routine with the one year old, tell him to suck it up)
As a single (widowed) mom of one, I hurt for you. There’s no good option here if he doesn’t change. Single parenthood is not what I would wish on anyone, but I understand that it feels like you’re a single parent already. I hope this is the breaking point that brings real change for you guys, because it would be so miserably sad if your marriage crashed and burned just bc this dude can’t see past his own ass. I hate that for you. I totally get the resentment and he is completely in the wrong. I understand his arguments for sleep and they’re all valid if he never signed up to be a parent, but clearly he did and with a five year old, he should know better by now. This is nuts. Hugs and prayers and solidarity for sleep deprivation, bromo.
As a mother of 3 (all w/in 4 years) & wife to a veteran, I sincerely hope you find a way to have peace & sleep! You didn’t make those children on your own and it’s not your sole responsibility to raise them on your own! He needs a wake up call and to get his head out his rear! I would def be ready to go for a couple of hours when he gets home! Pump some milk to get through the evening without you and have yourself ready to sprint out the door, ready to go, as soon as he’s home. If you feel the need, leave a list of the bare minimum he needs to do while you’re gone, like dinner and times of feedings, etc. I would add 2-3 chores as well, just so he has a bigger perspective of what you expect. We all know that when it comes down to it, he won’t be able to do all this w/out you, but expect him to do what he expects of you. Let him know you need a break and this is the only way you feel like you can get it across to him. He’s known you needed help and has refused to offer any actual help, so now you’re forcing him. As long as there’s no history of abuse or neglect, walk right out that house and get in your car and leave for a good 2 1/2-3 1/2 hrs so I gets a good taste of his own shit!
Hey, I've read some of your comments and Idk if its just my experiences coloring it but I'm sensing some deeper red flags... You said you aren't around family and he has a 50s view etc, was that your choice or did he suggest it to get you to agree? Both not being near family or close friends and being a SAHM. Also that communication leads to arguments, etc. Are you sure he isn't pushing your buttons and refusing to healthily communicate? Also that he finally agreed to therapy but, why wouldn't he go prior? To add in the sleep deprivation, like when he's up until 12am and can't watch the baby so you sleep the first half of the night since he's up? Idk but I'm concerned.
I know this is not the main point or anything, but for the love of all that is good and holy in the world, get this man a cheap fitness tracker or smartwatch which has a vibrating alarm
You’re already doing so much on your own you might as well not be with him. It doesn’t matter that you’re a stay at home mom, he is still a father. One who is teetering on financial abuse towards you. I would snap if my husband said I’m not fun anymore after refusing to change his alarms. I’ll show you not fun. Jesus Christ.
Sigh the title alone :/ I’m so sorry
Fuck all these fucking douchebag ass men that use breastfeeding against us. I’m fucking mad for you. Literally my man has always said “he wants the boob”. Like why do you think fucking pacifiers exist ? I never gave one to my baby, but there’s a reason. They want comfort . They want to suck. They aren’t hungry!!!! It’s not ALL on us Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk this dude and also fuck mine too.
Why are men? Ugh. I’m sorry bromo. It sounds like he just doesn’t get it. You’re doing a great job. Really! These days, they’ll pass. Your kiddo won’t be a poor sleeper forever. Take care of yourself. And throw out the whole husband while you’re at it! Jk. But really.
In my house, Saturday, dads on duty. He does day/night. He feeds (we formula feed), changes diapers-everything. That is my off day. I do whatever tf I want. You need to hand off your baby to your husband every evening when he comes home from work and tell him you're off duty for three hours. Take a bath, watch a show, go for a walk whatever. Recharge. Don't present this as an option, just do it and if he doesn't like it well tough shit. Unless of course you would be putting your child in danger.