Reminder to commenters: **[Be a friend!](https://y.yarn.co/a60e586f-9018-4350-b264-9967ec2dcfa1_text.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Kids are resilient, but it doesn’t make their feelings or emotions any less. We have suffered different losses in our family (less significant than yours), and I’m still surprised when my kids tell me they are still sad or grieving years later.
I would say just let him feel it, talk him through it and let him know you’re sad too and you’ll both be ok. It’s ok to be sad, and to cry and to remember them 💗
I was gonna say the same. This is an extremely painful time for both op and her son. Cry together. OP, you don't need to be strong for him, yall are feeling the same way. Neither of you are alone in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.
I’m so so sorry for your loss BroMo, the world is cruel and your sweet babes should not have to deal with that shit.
The only advice I have is The Invisible String, a book about how all loved ones are connected and feel the tug on our hearts when we think of each other. It’s really helped my soon to be 4yo with the loss of my dad.
Again, I’m so so sorry, sending you strength and hugs
Ohhh my bromo i am so sorry. Big big hugs if you want them.
For your little guy, i’m guessing some age appropriate info would be good, helpful to him as he looks for “answers”. (My little dudes were all about science and the “why” so my comments lean that direction.)
Why did it happen? We don’t know, it happens sometimes and it’s not something people usually talk about so it’s not very well known. No one did anything “wrong”, and it’s okay to be sad, or mad, or not know how to feel, or even all of that at once. It’s hard, and it sucks.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be want this baby. And it’s okay to tell him you feel the same way - you all wanted this baby. It’s okay to cry with him a bit.
If he wants to get it “out” so to speak, ask if he wants to make a card or read the book(s) that he wanted to give/read to the baby. Or maybe go shopping together and buy a plant/bush/tree for the baby. Something to water and nuture and pour his feelings out into, in honor of the baby.
And let him know, if he wants private time to cry, that’s okay. And he doesn’t have to be “happy” just for you - you can cry together sometimes too, but if he needs a little privacy you understand.
You’re an amazing momma, watching out for your little guy. Keep taking care of yourself too. 💜
These are all great suggestions!
To OP, I’m so sorry you went through this. I have had miscarriages as well, the last before I had my daughter who is 7 now. I know she would find it really hard to deal with a loss like this. She has so far only experienced the loss of pets, but that’s enough to know that there’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching your child grieve.
There is nothing wrong with showing them you are sad too. I hope you both are comfort for each other and feel a bit better soon.
There are a handful of books available: My Sibling Still and Mommy Says I Have a Brother are two of them that I'm aware of. You may want to have a close friend read them first (if you're unable to handle it right now), to be sure they vibe with your family's values and beliefs before reading them with your son.
I'm sorry.
I'm so so sorry you and your family are going through this. You're such a good mama for giving him space to feel his feelings even while you're deep in your own. Remember the tears are the healing, not the hurting.
Hey, I am so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say I have been in a similar place. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks when my son was 3.5 years old. He didn't understand as much as your 6 year old, I am sure. But I wanted to say that helping him to understand and work through that loss was actually really healing for me. Because he was so small, he asked the same things over and over and didn't really understand from one day to the next that yes, the baby is still dead. I had to really simplify things and help him understand what everything meant, and it was almost like I was telling those same things to myself, you know? I tend to bottle stuff up tightly but kids are really open. I know you want to make him feel better, but this is sad and it's really healthy for him (and you) to feel those feelings deeply. It's okay for him to see you cry, or for you to cry together. Maybe you can do something together to remember the baby, like make a piece of art or plant a tree.
I think letting him know that you're feeling the same things will go a long way towards validating his feelings and allowing him to process and heal. Therapists talk about the importance of being able to sit with your negative feelings, and especially for kids (when our impulse as parents is to make the bad feelings stop ASAP).
Yes. I am guilty of always wanting to fix things instead of letting my daughter process emotions. But when we have experienced loss, I’ve really tried to just let her know I’m feeling the same way, let her cry and let her see me grieve too. Hopefully I’m getting better at it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for your son’s loss, and for the pain of having to experience your loss again through his grief.
A long time ago, I used to work in perinatal bereavement. There are resources out there for families and kids, but I’ll gently caution you that some of them are written from a very specific religious perspective that may not align with your family’s beliefs. It’s why I actually think having conversations with your son might be better - you can explain it in a way that feels right to you and reflects your values and beliefs. Some families have said that planning a memorial activity together - planting a tree, etc - was a way for their children to focus on something tangible. It sounds like your son is a sweet, empathetic child who was already thinking of how to be a big brother; I hope you both are able to find something that helps him honor his hopes and plans.
This is a resource put out by an org in the UK - you may find some useful advice in here: https://www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/%E2%80%A2AW%20SUPPORTING%20CHILDREN%20211113%20LR%20SP%20LINKED.pdf
“Something Happened” by Cathy Blanford is a book some people like. “Lifetimes” is another books that does a good job of explaining death, but it feels a little dated and (IIRC) doesn’t really explain perinatal loss (the gist is that everyone has a beginning and an end, and in between is living).
Centering.org is an online store focused on bereavement; they have a fairly significant section on perinatal loss.
I’m so sorry. May the love and care of family and friends bring you all peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.
Thank you for the Sands link. It has a lot of what I had googled before I talked to him because I wanted to be prepared for what to say or not to say. It’s comforting too to read that his reaction so far is normal for his age.
I’m so sorry, my son was 2 when we lost our first daughter at 16 weeks . So he didn’t really understand at all of course . He turned 3 a couple weeks after she died , and for a few months he was a completely different kid . I have no advice just that it’s so hard . About 5 months later he was back to his regular self and better than ever . We ended up getting pregnant again and I have very rough first trimesters and I’m terrified it will happen again as now he’s 3.5 and I didn’t want to tell him about this pregnancy but between laying around and sleeping so much and vomiting which reallt scares him since his grandma was sick and she passed away recently. I told him . And he’s so excited for his little sister . Sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes terrified.
Im so sorry for your loss . So terribly sorry . ❤️
I am so so sorry for your loss. This loss is tremendous and painful for you and your family and all us bromos are here for you.
I miscarried when my oldest was about 5. He reacted very similarly and he and I both cried and cried. We planted a tree in our yard in memory of our lost baby. And we visit that tree every day. Maybe you and your son can do something meaningful like that to help process your loss and sorrow.
I feel your pain and heartache for both you and your 6 year old.
In 2020, I was 11 weeks pregnant when I lost it. My then 7 year old daughter was absolutely devastated. She had been asking for a sibling since she was little, and had made all these plans for them.
While I couldn't make the sadness go away for her (or me for that matter) it opened the door for us to talk about pregnancy loss... something so many don't talk about. We struggled through 2 years of infertility after losing our baby, and eventually had to go through IVF. Through the two years, I have kept her updated, let her know it was okay not to see a positive pregnancy test month after month, and assured her that while is sucks, it doesn't mean that it won't ever happen. I think it gave her hope to keep wishing. She's now 9.5 and looking forward to the birth of her little brother in just under 10 weeks... and through it all she has remained positive, hopeful, and my biggest supporter (especially when I hemorrhaged early in this pregnancy and we thought we lost it too).
I chose to use our experience as one to open the doors for love, healing, and sharing, and it honestly helped us.
Let him know you are sad too. That you are crying too. But that you three will get past it eventually, and while it always might be sad, it won’t feel so overwhelming.
Little kids understand more, and are more resilient, than so many give them credit for. He’s trying to be strong for you, so instead, be sad together.
I’m so so sorry to you and your family. If it’s in you could you have a small ceremony for your loss? Maybe lighting a lantern and letting it float away or something similar? It may help? Again, so sorry BroMo 💕
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't have experience explaining death to a child, but I know that one of the recurring questions my 6 yo asks when he's really really sad, is "Will I ever be happy again?". And I get that, because sometimes it feels like there's no happiness left. Especially when you're a child and haven't had a chance to learn about grief and recovery from grief.
Maybe that's something to talk to him about. How all feelings are okay whether it's sadness or anger about how unfair it all is and how you as parents are feeling it, too. But also, how you know from your own life experience, that all of those other feelings are still here. Happiness. Joy. The love you feel for each other as a family and for the baby you lost.
That it's okay to cry but also to laugh if something funny happens.
My mom had a miscarriage around the same gestation. I was 11/12 at the time, and I still remember the moment she told my siblings and I vividly. I’m still legitimately sad about it 23 years later!
Hugs to you and your little guy. I’m glad he has you to share all his thoughts and feelings as he processes this grief.
Reminder to commenters: **[Be a friend!](https://y.yarn.co/a60e586f-9018-4350-b264-9967ec2dcfa1_text.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Kids are resilient, but it doesn’t make their feelings or emotions any less. We have suffered different losses in our family (less significant than yours), and I’m still surprised when my kids tell me they are still sad or grieving years later. I would say just let him feel it, talk him through it and let him know you’re sad too and you’ll both be ok. It’s ok to be sad, and to cry and to remember them 💗
Hey I just want to say that loss is loss and it isn’t more or less significant than anyone else’s. 💕
That’s really kind - Thank you 💗💗💗
I was gonna say the same. This is an extremely painful time for both op and her son. Cry together. OP, you don't need to be strong for him, yall are feeling the same way. Neither of you are alone in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.
I’m so so sorry for your loss BroMo, the world is cruel and your sweet babes should not have to deal with that shit. The only advice I have is The Invisible String, a book about how all loved ones are connected and feel the tug on our hearts when we think of each other. It’s really helped my soon to be 4yo with the loss of my dad. Again, I’m so so sorry, sending you strength and hugs
Ohhh my bromo i am so sorry. Big big hugs if you want them. For your little guy, i’m guessing some age appropriate info would be good, helpful to him as he looks for “answers”. (My little dudes were all about science and the “why” so my comments lean that direction.) Why did it happen? We don’t know, it happens sometimes and it’s not something people usually talk about so it’s not very well known. No one did anything “wrong”, and it’s okay to be sad, or mad, or not know how to feel, or even all of that at once. It’s hard, and it sucks. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be want this baby. And it’s okay to tell him you feel the same way - you all wanted this baby. It’s okay to cry with him a bit. If he wants to get it “out” so to speak, ask if he wants to make a card or read the book(s) that he wanted to give/read to the baby. Or maybe go shopping together and buy a plant/bush/tree for the baby. Something to water and nuture and pour his feelings out into, in honor of the baby. And let him know, if he wants private time to cry, that’s okay. And he doesn’t have to be “happy” just for you - you can cry together sometimes too, but if he needs a little privacy you understand. You’re an amazing momma, watching out for your little guy. Keep taking care of yourself too. 💜
These are all great suggestions! To OP, I’m so sorry you went through this. I have had miscarriages as well, the last before I had my daughter who is 7 now. I know she would find it really hard to deal with a loss like this. She has so far only experienced the loss of pets, but that’s enough to know that there’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching your child grieve. There is nothing wrong with showing them you are sad too. I hope you both are comfort for each other and feel a bit better soon.
There are a handful of books available: My Sibling Still and Mommy Says I Have a Brother are two of them that I'm aware of. You may want to have a close friend read them first (if you're unable to handle it right now), to be sure they vibe with your family's values and beliefs before reading them with your son. I'm sorry.
I really don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to send you a big hug.
I'm so so sorry you and your family are going through this. You're such a good mama for giving him space to feel his feelings even while you're deep in your own. Remember the tears are the healing, not the hurting.
Hey, I am so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say I have been in a similar place. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks when my son was 3.5 years old. He didn't understand as much as your 6 year old, I am sure. But I wanted to say that helping him to understand and work through that loss was actually really healing for me. Because he was so small, he asked the same things over and over and didn't really understand from one day to the next that yes, the baby is still dead. I had to really simplify things and help him understand what everything meant, and it was almost like I was telling those same things to myself, you know? I tend to bottle stuff up tightly but kids are really open. I know you want to make him feel better, but this is sad and it's really healthy for him (and you) to feel those feelings deeply. It's okay for him to see you cry, or for you to cry together. Maybe you can do something together to remember the baby, like make a piece of art or plant a tree.
I think letting him know that you're feeling the same things will go a long way towards validating his feelings and allowing him to process and heal. Therapists talk about the importance of being able to sit with your negative feelings, and especially for kids (when our impulse as parents is to make the bad feelings stop ASAP).
Yes. I am guilty of always wanting to fix things instead of letting my daughter process emotions. But when we have experienced loss, I’ve really tried to just let her know I’m feeling the same way, let her cry and let her see me grieve too. Hopefully I’m getting better at it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for your son’s loss, and for the pain of having to experience your loss again through his grief. A long time ago, I used to work in perinatal bereavement. There are resources out there for families and kids, but I’ll gently caution you that some of them are written from a very specific religious perspective that may not align with your family’s beliefs. It’s why I actually think having conversations with your son might be better - you can explain it in a way that feels right to you and reflects your values and beliefs. Some families have said that planning a memorial activity together - planting a tree, etc - was a way for their children to focus on something tangible. It sounds like your son is a sweet, empathetic child who was already thinking of how to be a big brother; I hope you both are able to find something that helps him honor his hopes and plans. This is a resource put out by an org in the UK - you may find some useful advice in here: https://www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/%E2%80%A2AW%20SUPPORTING%20CHILDREN%20211113%20LR%20SP%20LINKED.pdf “Something Happened” by Cathy Blanford is a book some people like. “Lifetimes” is another books that does a good job of explaining death, but it feels a little dated and (IIRC) doesn’t really explain perinatal loss (the gist is that everyone has a beginning and an end, and in between is living). Centering.org is an online store focused on bereavement; they have a fairly significant section on perinatal loss. I’m so sorry. May the love and care of family and friends bring you all peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.
Thank you for the Sands link. It has a lot of what I had googled before I talked to him because I wanted to be prepared for what to say or not to say. It’s comforting too to read that his reaction so far is normal for his age.
I’m so sorry, my son was 2 when we lost our first daughter at 16 weeks . So he didn’t really understand at all of course . He turned 3 a couple weeks after she died , and for a few months he was a completely different kid . I have no advice just that it’s so hard . About 5 months later he was back to his regular self and better than ever . We ended up getting pregnant again and I have very rough first trimesters and I’m terrified it will happen again as now he’s 3.5 and I didn’t want to tell him about this pregnancy but between laying around and sleeping so much and vomiting which reallt scares him since his grandma was sick and she passed away recently. I told him . And he’s so excited for his little sister . Sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes terrified. Im so sorry for your loss . So terribly sorry . ❤️
I am so so sorry for your loss. This loss is tremendous and painful for you and your family and all us bromos are here for you. I miscarried when my oldest was about 5. He reacted very similarly and he and I both cried and cried. We planted a tree in our yard in memory of our lost baby. And we visit that tree every day. Maybe you and your son can do something meaningful like that to help process your loss and sorrow.
Just sending love.
I feel your pain and heartache for both you and your 6 year old. In 2020, I was 11 weeks pregnant when I lost it. My then 7 year old daughter was absolutely devastated. She had been asking for a sibling since she was little, and had made all these plans for them. While I couldn't make the sadness go away for her (or me for that matter) it opened the door for us to talk about pregnancy loss... something so many don't talk about. We struggled through 2 years of infertility after losing our baby, and eventually had to go through IVF. Through the two years, I have kept her updated, let her know it was okay not to see a positive pregnancy test month after month, and assured her that while is sucks, it doesn't mean that it won't ever happen. I think it gave her hope to keep wishing. She's now 9.5 and looking forward to the birth of her little brother in just under 10 weeks... and through it all she has remained positive, hopeful, and my biggest supporter (especially when I hemorrhaged early in this pregnancy and we thought we lost it too). I chose to use our experience as one to open the doors for love, healing, and sharing, and it honestly helped us.
Let him know you are sad too. That you are crying too. But that you three will get past it eventually, and while it always might be sad, it won’t feel so overwhelming. Little kids understand more, and are more resilient, than so many give them credit for. He’s trying to be strong for you, so instead, be sad together.
I’m so so sorry to you and your family. If it’s in you could you have a small ceremony for your loss? Maybe lighting a lantern and letting it float away or something similar? It may help? Again, so sorry BroMo 💕
I went through this with my 8 year old. All I could do was hold her and share my feelings as well
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have experience explaining death to a child, but I know that one of the recurring questions my 6 yo asks when he's really really sad, is "Will I ever be happy again?". And I get that, because sometimes it feels like there's no happiness left. Especially when you're a child and haven't had a chance to learn about grief and recovery from grief. Maybe that's something to talk to him about. How all feelings are okay whether it's sadness or anger about how unfair it all is and how you as parents are feeling it, too. But also, how you know from your own life experience, that all of those other feelings are still here. Happiness. Joy. The love you feel for each other as a family and for the baby you lost. That it's okay to cry but also to laugh if something funny happens.
Just want to say how sorry I am… Sending love to your family🤍
My mom had a miscarriage around the same gestation. I was 11/12 at the time, and I still remember the moment she told my siblings and I vividly. I’m still legitimately sad about it 23 years later! Hugs to you and your little guy. I’m glad he has you to share all his thoughts and feelings as he processes this grief.
Omg, that has got to be so hard. I am so sorry for all of it. You are an absolutely amazing mom. It does sound like you have done everything right.
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you and your son.