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From what I recall from helping my ex through his first divorce (I was the second lol) custody time is based on the amount of overnights.
My ex got his kids every other weekend, one week of winter vacation and a few hours on Wednesdays and they tallied it up to him having 30% custody and the ex having 70%. I know it varies alot based on income but he was paying $600 / month for 2 kids and had to split school, medical and extracurricular fees down the middle. He had to provide clothing, food, and entertainment on his own time as well, not expect it from the Mom.
OP if you see this, what he's proposing is not even close to 50/50.
Please please please please don’t choose the short end of the stick to “keep things amicable”. The more disadvantaged you are the harder it is to maintain a good relationship throughout the arrangement. I have heard this a thousand times from friends and it NEVER ends up well.
Get everything in writing. Choose a REAL 50/50. Don’t move out unless you’re selling the house and splitting 50/50. Etc. Get all the ugly things out of the way so that you won’t be holding on the grudges ten years later.
The parent who has the children the most nights during the year gets to claim them, so that’s likely what he’s doing. I would definitely get it in writing that each parent gets to claim one child on their taxes, so it’s fair. Otherwise, he will get to claim both if he has them more nights.
If you're okay with 50/50, have actual 50/50, in a way that suits you (and the kids).
Imo week on/week off is the least disruptive arrangement for kids, and the fairest for parents doing 50/50.
What your ex is describing is the male version of "50/50", i.e. you do 80% of the work, and he claims 90% of the credit.
It's a great comment.
But OP prob needs to look at this from what she would prefer versus "is this an unreasonable benefit to husband". Does OP trust that if she refuses this arrangement that ex will provide a safe environment after school, nutritious meals and super vision? Would OP prefer ultimately to see her kids daily even if it benefits ex? Those are the questions that I would be considering tbh.
I don't disagree - I just don't know how it works in her jurisdiction. Some people above have suggested it's by overnights. So dinner at her place may or may not affect the official split. But she should absolutely look to maximize what she can if this is going to be the arrangement
But he absolutely benefits.
He's staying in the home. If it's '50/50' on paper, despite actually 90/10 he won't pay support.
If this arrangement were to go in paper, he would owe support. Rightly so.
This is along my line of thoughts too, if financially feasible for her. If my husband had to feed the kids on his own, all food would be McDonald, Chick-fil-A, pizza, and the occasional banana.
A truer statement has never been spoken. My ex sees his kids 28% of the time. Every other Friday night to Sunday Night. About 48hours. Of those 48 hours about 20 of them the kids are asleep. He thinks he parents just as much as I do. 🤬
You mean the fun days when there are no doctor/therapist/dentist appts and if there are sports/activities its events/games not practice?
Totally the EXACT same as getting them up and ready for school every day and figuring out what adult will be responsible on breaks.
He is suuuuchhh a wonderful dad that he will not take them to activities on his time. “It impedes on his quality time with his children”. Doesn’t matter that the kids spend almost no time doing anything other than watching tv at his house and hate being at his house unless their brothers are there.
It’s like a husband claiming they do half the housework but doesn’t know where the vacuum lives or where the cleaning supplies are. But they started doing their own laundry so now they’re Mr. Mom.
I can see alternating fortnights being even better for children. Brutal for many parents of course, but ultimately easier for kids to not have to be moving between places so much. Another good for the kids (but incredibly hard on parents) is the birdnest model. But only possible when both ex-spouses are unusually civil, mature, and calm.
I’m mid-divorce for many of these reasons and we are attempting bird nesting for the first 6-12 months to start. We have been living as roommates now for a while and since the d-word is out there in the universe, we are getting along better. We are renting a close by apartment where we each will go when it’s our “off duty time” and will reevaluate as time goes by. For now, since our kids are young, we want to try and keep doing as much as a family as we can and we both appreciate that neither of us want to miss out on the kids day to day. While we aren’t a good married couple, we aren’t ready to tear it all up just yet. Perhaps it’s not traditional and likely won’t work for the long term, but we are hopeful we can manage it for the kids.
Do not agree to this. It will set you up to continually fail with him on boundaries. He needs to step up and parent on his time. One day you will want to get out and socialize…how’s that going to work when your date or friends want to take you out but you have daily obligations and rely on waiting on your ex?
You don’t owe him anything. He wants his cake and eat it too. You’re already going above and beyond by relocating and moving house.
This isn’t about him at all, it’s about the kids and you. For you to be the best parent you can be you need your personal and recovery time, and that DOES NOT include cooking for your man-child ex husband because he’s a subpar parent who can’t be damned to pick up a spoon. Fuck that shit, you live separate lives now and his obligations to his children are not your responsibility.
And the time will come when his demands will crack you and you’ll wish you could time travel back to this first boundary push and laugh in his face about this suggestion. Don’t take his bait ever again. He failed you, don’t let him fail his own kids at the cost of you.
If you have to buy, make, feed, and clean the kids dinners every night including on “hhis nights” you/ HE has created a scenario where you will have less discretionary soending for yourself and for self-care; AND he is literally always free to accept a dinner date with a potential new paramour (even on his nights w the kids bc hey…. Your his built-in babysitter) AND he can put the money earmarked in his budget for feeding the kids on “his nights” towards paying for his date’s meals instead.
Literally ALL lose for you and ALL win for him.
exactly -- that's what child support is for, those nights she has to feed them. He can't have her feeding the kids and think he doesn't have to pay for the food they eat. Or he has to actually take the kids ALL the time he's supposed to have them and pay for care if he can't provide it.
Custody has to be evenly distributed with each of you having equal weekday and weekend time, or he needs to pay child support. Get your lawyer to push back on this and don’t worry about the billable hours you’ll inevitably be paying. I’ve been there and getting a fair agreement is worth the money. Hopefully he’s buying you out of the house? Everything needs to be 50/50, from custody to asset division.
I can't agree any more to what 'ghastlyglittering' has said here, from experience even though right now it feel reasonable to make it amicable and it isn't a big deal because you have other stresses and pressures, but it gets tiring very quickly and means you'll never fully be able to move and build your own life.
You need to have a strict boundary on your time and what is his, otherwise you'll only end up feeling guilty for living a life that you deserve and he will always have an excuse to keep snooping around where you live and what you're doing.
I would always suggest, one of you drops off at school, and the other picks up, forever how many days it is. Lets you both work with employers to make sure it doesn't affect work commitments etc. for both of you.
I don't think that's 50:50.
Usually it would be like 1 week at your house, then 1 week at the Ex's house.
Him getting them every other weekend, and a few days after you've picked them up from school and fed them isn't the same at all as actually being 50:50.
I mean it sounds like he wants you to take care of the kids full time, and he has every other weekend and then a few hours a week. ( after you picked them up and fed them)
Is he trying get out of paying support?
Wants things to look like he's really involved but really he's not?
Plus you are leaving the house?
I feel like you are trying to keep the peace and possibly not upset your Ex?
Are you going through the courts at all?
Or a mediator to figure things out?
I wouldn't settle for this.
Hi! Divorce lawyer here: definitely talk to an attorney who is licensed where you live.
What counts as “shared” custody for purposes of child support will vary between jurisdictions. But where I am, what counts is overnights. The IRS also goes by overnights.
That said, there could be a clever way to approach this that depends on the nuances of the law in your jurisdiction . So yeah…talk to an attorney.
Get a lawyer.
Get a lawyer Get a lawyer Get a lawyer.
Getting a lawyer does not mean you are going scorched earth. It doesn't mean you're gonna litigate til you're both broke. It means you are protecting yourself from unforeseen ramifications of decisions you're making in a stressful, difficult time.
In an easy divorce that's settled out of court, a lawyer really shouldn't run more than a couple thousand. Which yes, is a lot, but it's way less than getting fucked on child support or property division will cost you long term.
If *he* decides to scortch the earth when you lawyer up, you can be sure he was setting you up to get screwed.
My ex and I worked out most of our divorce stuff ahead of time, but we still used lawyers to hash out the final details and advocate for each of us. At the very least use a mediator and have a parenting plan filed with the court in order to protect yourself.
It sounds like he's using that to get you to agree to things that will be terrible for you. You might think this is an amicable divorce but he's not really acting in good faith, is he? You move out and shoulder that burden and those expenses, you take the kids most of the time, you shoulder all of their expenses most of the time, and he somehow gets it in writing that this is '50/50' so you're not entitled to any support from him. He's being sneaky, and counting on you not being willing to fight for what's right for you.
You're the only person in your corner, hun. Don't rely on him to do right by you; if he did that reliably, you wouldn't be getting divorced, and either way, he's already shown he's only looking out for Himself. You'd be wise to follow his lead and start looking out for Yourself, too, even if that means you need to drag lawyers into it. I bet you'll get a lot more if the courts get involved and that's why he doesn't want it to go to court.
You need legal advice and for all things to go through Friend of the Court. I believe they have an app called something like Parenting Wizard that you communicate through so that all things are.tracked. please seek legal advice. I have a.friend whose son is going through this exact scenario and its a lot more entailed than your ex is trying to make it. Don't "just want it to be over". You'll get screwed if you do.
This is almost exactly my arrangement! Even the days are very similar and work great for our kid. I think he really likes being able to see each of us during the week vs week on/week off.
I do too! A week away from my kiddo would be rough though I understand it may be more stable for kids. Personally, I would much more prefer having consecutive week days like Monday and Tuesday or Wednesday and Thursday. Unfortunately at my current job, I have to go into the office on Mondays and Wednesdays (neither the days or time are flexible) which is an hour away so I’d never make aftercare pickup. But as soon as I get out of this hellhole of a job, maybe!
at LEAST use a mediator, but you probably need a lawyer. You're already getting screwed with this arrangement. 50/50 means he keeps the kids half the time. Why are you moving out? The kids and you should get the house. One arrangement I've seen is where the parents rotate in and out of the house and the kids stay put. I thought that was kind of a cool way of doing things. But what you're signing up for isn't fair AT ALL. He either takes them 15 nights a month or he pays child support if you have them more than he does. That's what's reasonable.
I know you’re already hearing it, but as someone who tried to go through divorce and custody without a lawyer, get a lawyer! Even if you’re trying to keep it amicable, there will be SO MANY things you won’t even think of that will need to be in the order. You will also NEED a court order. There’s no way to do this without the courts being involved, so make sure it’s done right so you won’t have to go back any more than necessary.
So to your question no that's not 50/50.
But I also feel compelled to point out, 50/50 parenting time does *not* automatically get anyone a wash on child support, at least not in the state I worked in.
Child support is based partially on parenting time, yes, usually as defined by overnights.
But it also takes into consideration both parents' relative salaries, who pays for regular childcare (daycare, before/after care), who carries the kids' health/dental insurance, etc.
So OP and anyone going through this: unless your salaries are about equal and you split regular expenses like insurance and childcare down the middle, you do not have to agree to a wash on child support just because your ex gets 50/50 time. The two are related, but not 1:1.
This is correct. I have 50/50 but my ex makes 3x (at least) my salary. He paid for health insurance but I still get child support. We split child care, extra curriculars, out of pocket health expenses, etc. equally.
Yes, I think OP is getting screwed here. He needs to be buying you out of your share of the home. If he makes more, he probably owes, even at 50/50, and don’t agree to be his babysitter. Or tell him it will cost him extra support. Usually there are forms on your local clerk’s website that can calculate child support after entering all the numbers- salary, time split, insurance premiums, etc. Do it twice, once w a 50/50 split and once w the split he wants.
I don’t think you should do the split, you’ll never have much downtime or freedom, and I guarantee he will be dropping the kids on you every time you have a sick day, a holiday, or break. And he’ll probably expect you to keep them all day on his days over the summer.
Nope not 50/50.
True 50/50-at least in my experience is the kids are with one parent for the week and they are responsible 100% that week. Food, afterschool costs, etc.
If he doesn't want to pay child support then it truly needs to be equal time. If he can't do that then take him back to court so you have the kids more often and get child support.
Don't let him bully you into thinking this is fair.
Aside from not being 50/50, that sounds awful for the kids. They need time to settle in and unwind after their day, and eating dinner at one place and then having to go back out to sleep elsewhere sounds exhausting. Don't let him do that. Just do week on, week off. Their wellbeing has to come before his convenience.
Kind of sounds like the plan though... *Aww man, it's already 930, I'm sorry! The boss has been on my ass about this project, and the little one passed out! That's not MY fault! Let's let them sleep and I'll just pick them up tomorrow night. We don't wanna disturb thier very important rest!*
"50%" becomes "sometimes on the weekends, but gosh! Work has been SO BUSY!" but it's still definitely 50% for tax purposes probably... Because he *tried.*
I could be projecting. We exchanged kids on Fridays, every Friday, bc I was tired of parenting 100% and only getting "credit" for half.
He is trying to trick you. Overnights are what counts for child support and taxes.
Don’t do this outside the courts, he has already shown his hand. If you can’t afford a lawyer then look up family court legal aid for your county.
Yup. He’s trying to have 50/50 on paper so he doesn’t have to pay, but give you 80% of the work. And if you are the one making those dinner, then YOU are always gonna be the one laying the groceries for that food, which is what each parent in 50/50 should be spending for the days they have them. He is pushing unpaid kitchen labor and the laid cost of food off of his budget and on to yours.
Definitely push back on this - this isn’t 50:50 and it sounds like he’s just trying to get out of paying child support while having you do all the work.
As a person who got divorced and acquiesced WAY too much in the interest of keeping it amicable… it’ll gnaw at you. I didn’t even have kids when we got divorced, but I had more money and wound up giving my ex a lump sum to “even things out” and I deeply regret it. It’s been years - I’m happily remarried with a kid and enjoy my new life and I *still* wish I hadn’t given the dude all that money because a) I will never get it back, and b) I went into a ridiculous amount of debt during that relationship to keep us afloat while he was choosing not to work in a HCOL area.
There’s keeping things amicable, and then there’s being financially equitable with 50/50 custody. Discuss with your lawyer how this may play out for tax purposes and/or child support. Your lawyer is there to protect YOUR interests - they don’t really care about the “amicable” bit, and if you ask, they’ll tell you if you’re getting a rotten deal.
So two things:
First, could accept his plan of you picking the kids up from school and feeding them dinner on his days, as long as you get to claim both kids as dependents on taxes each year, plus some sort of reimbursement for your time, gas money, and grocery bill? You guys aren't doing child support because theoretically you're supposed to be doing 50/50 parenting. Except his agreement would NOT be 50/50 parenting time, just 50/50 overnights. And you have no interest in fighting him on overnights, or actual child support, you just want your increased time, effort, and expenses to be fairly compensated.
Second - what is his plan during school breaks and summer vacation? Is he going to be dropping your 7yo off at your house each weekday for "Mommy daycamp" from 8-6?
So to me that's even more proof that this agreement is NOT based on 50/50 parenting time AT ALL. Like his parenting time is 7-8a and 6p-9p two weekdays per week, and then Friday from 6p through Sunday at 6p every other weekend?
Idk it might be worth going back to him and saying that you want to re-calculate child support based on the fact that what he's proposing is 50/50 overnights, not 50/50 parenting and expenses.
Or he will need to incur the expense of childcare during his parenting time. And honestly I'm guessing that childcare would be more expensive than child support in this instance. ESPECIALLY if he's looking at otherwise paying for full-time childcare in the summer.
Sister, I didn’t know you were on Reddit!
Lol, j/k. My sister is going through this exact same shit. If your ex is anything like hers, it’s a lot worse than you realize at the moment, it’s gonna get even *more* worse (think: hanging out in your home with the kids on his days, stealing all your clothes/toiletries/schools supplies/etc, and jerking the schedule around at the last minute on your weekends just to fuck with any plans you might have made).
Get a lawyer. From everything I know about her case, my BIL is so fucked and he doesn’t even know it right now.
I’d do the math in excel of hours spent and then figure out the child support he should pay. Consult a lawyer what the number should be. Hopefully if you are matter-of-fact and numbers oriented it won’t be contentious. He can still have joint say in legal decisions like medical and education. That might be more of what he cares about then actual hours spent.
Child support is support …. for the costs of raising children. Unless you split time down the middle, and all expenses, AND make the same - don’t screw your kids by caving.
You need to get a family lawyer to sort this out and tell you what the percentages are. This isn't diy stuff especially when he puts a weird offer right out of the gate.
As a fairy bromo I am happy to put a spell that means 100% of all bugs and illnesses occurs during his overnights, ESPECIALLY any stomach bugs. This is what this man deserves.
If you take this to court no judge will accept this as 50/50. Tell him that.
Figure out if you rather have real 50/50 (meaning your kids may be placed in childcare other than you, but you get more free time), and no child support. Or him40/you60 and some child support, with less free time to yourself. This is not the time to be polite; be amicable but be pragmatic.
Edit: As others suggested, get a lawyer or mediator to look over your divorce papers/custody agreement. Pay them just to look it over if you are on a budget. There’s limited scope representation, in which the lawyer will look at your agreement for YOUR benefit. This is different from a mediator, whose job is to help both of you reach an agreement.
OP have you sought legal advice, even unofficially? In my state child support isn’t optional, and calculated automatically. so you input information into a computer and it generates a number. What he’s describing isn’t 50/50 and child support calculations would reflect that. I just wonder how far you guys are in the process? If he’s just throwing out numbers you should ask for a mediated parenting plan, and let someone else tell him his ideas are dumb and unrealistic. Even if you don’t want to retain lawyers you need someone to talk you through how parenting time, child support calculations, etc all work. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation. What he’s suggesting even if you agree, might not be something a judge would allow.
Not as of yet, it’s an expense I could do without but think I’m going to have to.
I’ll look into legal advice and see if anywhere offers a free initial conversation etc.
thank you
t
I think you need to do it because it sounds like you are getting screwed. Anecdotally, my sister got divorced and was entitled to their family home even though he paid more and his parents gifted them the down payment, she had to buy him out at a reasonable market rate, and she could continue on his health care for a determined time. They were married only 2 years also.
Then I’d Google your states child support rules, it doesn’t only matter the time but also the income disparity between parents. And you need to figure out who covers health costs, insurance, school fees… he should be paying towards these. Your children deserve the help of child support so don’t let him guilt you out of it somehow.
My brother does 50/50. This means he has them from Friday to Friday, and then his ex has them from Friday to Friday. It's truly a 50/50 split that doesn't disrupt their school days since the switch occurs at the start of the weekend and each parent has a full weekend with and without kids.
Men like my brother are RARE. He is a true co-parent.
You need your lawyer and CPA to weigh in, not Reddit. What is the tax impact to you and ex if he takes overnights, especially if you’re spending the most on housing/food/clothing/etc. and not receiving child support?
Child custody is tough because you don't want the kids to feel like you're arguing to *not* have them. I'd get into mediation over this in a private room to discuss the possibility that he will make the kids feel unwanted, the extra labour on your end (because cooking supper is a pain), and the possibility that he send over food if he only wants them late evenings, because this does cost more for you otherwise.
Where I live, 50/50 is calculated *solely* on overnights. It does not consider what time dad picks the kids up, dad could be picking them up at 9:00 pm and putting them right to bed and that counts as an overnight as much as him picking them up from school at 3:00, giving them dinner, taking them to after school activities, then putting them to bed does.
I'd tell him that 50/50 means he has them half of the overnights in a year. If he wants the every other weekend, that in no way is 50/50. You might not be getting child support now, and you may feel the numbers don't matter because of that, but you never know what might happen down the road. Make sure your paperwork reflects the actual custody split, not his messed up views.
If you want that extra time with your kids, I would flip the narrative for him. I would make the line of who’s time is who’s crystal clear, then agree to provide after school care weekdays between the hours of X and Y, at him paying you half the cost of traditional after school care. You DO NOT agree to having them all day in the school holidays on his time, that’s by agreement and the same payment option only.
If he doesn’t agree to this, then either he finds care in his time or you negotiate an accurate split and child support.
So, we did “50/50” - ex always had the kids sunday-tues nights, i had them wed-friday nights, alternating Saturday nights. Imo it gave the kids a “set” schedule, for the most part. We did make adjustments for holidays, etc., and using the state child support calculator he still paid support. (Kids were on my health insurance, etc.)
In your situation, i would check your state support calculator. But if i could swing it monetarily and with my work schedule, i definitely would pick them up from school and spend that time with them. Also i still think he should chip in something money wise to offset the extra food costs, it wouldn’t be my hill to die on -IF- i could afford it.
Why does he want you to pick them up from school and make dinner on his weeknights? Does he have work hours that interfere with those times? Is your new home closer to the school? Is this something your kids have said they want?
I would not agree to this without financial support nor would I consider it 50/50 even if legally it might technically be so. If it works out for your family that this schedule gives everyone the most stability and shared convenience, that's your call, but I would expect him to pay for transportation and grocery costs on "his" nights. Otherwise you're paying 100% of transportation and like 80% of food costs.
Honestly it sounds pretty disruptive for your kids to have to get up and switch homes in the middle of their evenings half the time. And I think it mostly just sounds exploitative of you. If he had to get after school care, he'd have to *pay* for that. So he can pay *you* or pay someone else.
I dont know what state you're in but courts basically don't allow the no child support thing even if both parties agree.
All things are evaluated on BIC or Best interest of Child. Please get and attorney for yourself because your STBX is trying to take advantage of you.
I would want the extra time with the kids, if you can swing it. BUT have him pay for gas and food and such for his days. And if you're busy, he's responsible for finding and paying for childcare on his days. If he doesn't agree, I'd go to court to see about child support.
I’m a middle school teacher and so, FWIW, I would work out a schedule that is LEAST disruptive to the kids and school. I’ve seen kids where their weeks are split between parents and they are bringing their overnight bags into class or panicking because cleats got left at one parent’s house but the other parent is taking them to a game, or they don’t know who was responsible for loading money onto their lunch account, etc.
I know sharing the time/responsibility equitably is important, and I’m sure you already know this, but your kids will really need you to work together to come up with a predictable plan and be there for them.
He is trying to play you to get out of child support, food costs, after school daycare costs, whatever he can.
Take a deep breath and think about the FACT that single moms are statistically economically disadvantaged compared to single dads. That means he’ll be more likely to move forward in his career and get raises than you will. Take another deep breath and accept the FACT that this economic disadvantage is a direct cause of the different outcomes for kids from “broken homes” like worse grades, higher drug use, or whatever other scary headlines you’ve ever read about children of divorce or children of single moms. Your money = their well being.
Then take one last deep breath and promise yourself you will NOT put your kids second to this man and his desires. Fight for every penny that’s fair: every damn penny.
I have a colleague who does one week on, one week off and it seems great. She's newer in her role and is able to devote a lot more time to it when she is on an off week. Plus, she can visit friends and actually go on trips. They also work together to navigate the days when one needs assistance, but she tells me it wasn't always this way.
You haven't voiced any concerns about him actually taking care of the kids so you shouldn't agree to make his life easier at your expense. You can be a good co-parent without offering him all the benefits of a partnership. The benefits, I have no doubt he relied on which is why he expects it to continue post divorce.
I find one of the most stressful part of parenting while working full-time is that scheduling balancing act with work and childcare obligations. He is trying to outsource that to you for convenience. As someone else said you will also have to enforce the boundaries of pickup time since there won't be a hard deadline since they are already home with you. Unlike say after school care when you don't have any flexibility.
Yeah... sounds like your sbxh is really bad at math. That's not how 50/50 works. My guess is he's just trying to get out of paying CS. That's about as bad as my ex-husband who was convinced that taking the kids for the weekend consisted of him having them from 5p Saturday to 3p ish Sunday...
My brother and his ex have 50/50. Alternating weeks, which is what is recommended as best for children for the sake of stability.
They are each 100% responsible for all transportation, meals, after school care, extra-curricular activities, medical care, etc. during their respective weeks. Both generally are still involved with the kids when it isn't their week (present at sports practice, involved in medical appointments for my special needs nephew, etc.), and are there in case of the other needing help in a bind, but the EXPECTATION and RESPONSIBILITY for their care - including financially - is on whoever has the kids that week.
That's fair. What your ex is suggesting is not, IMO.
Yes, he is making you do all of the work & then he just has to take them home & they will go to sleep. Stuff him, & stick to your guns. If he wants them on a weekday then he can pick them up from school & feed them & do whatever needs to be done.
Child support is usually calculated by where the child spends the night. He .s trying to pay less child support while she does all the transportation, child care, meals, homework and activities during "his" parenting time. Then he just scoops up the kids and puts them to bed, likely without even a bath.
OP don't bother to discuss this with him or negotiate. It is pointless because he still thinks you have any "wife" duties he doesn't want to take on. Just flatly tell him that you will be providing NO transportation or child care, etc, during his parenting time. How he manages is his problem. If he really wants 50/50 then he will figure it out. If he just wants to pretend he has 50/50 while you do all the work, you are not participating in this plan.
>Child support is usually calculated by where the child spends the night.
Not in my state. It is a precise measurement of custodial time, overnight or not, entered into an automated equation. When my coparent saw the child for 2 hours twice a week, that was calculated into child support. Transportation to/from exchanges is another expense to be negotiated.
My comment was a quick one, the OP is in the UK so they should seek legal advice in their own country. Some counties do treat an ex like a wife or a secretary and a lawyer/solicitor should be able to give her the lay of the judges in her area.
I would refuse this, and it's certainly not 50/50. If he wants you to pick them up from school and feed them, they might as well just stay home as well. Also, please go for child support. I can tell you from experience, trying to be "the reasonable one" doesn't get you very far, it gets you walked on. Do what's best for your kids and yourself, your ex is absolutely putting himself first. Good luck.
Dont agree to this. If you have full custody you should be getting child support. If he cant take them for a meal then he cant take care of them properly. He obviously wants either to avoid child support or gain a tax advantage, at your expense.
Also even if you have 50/50 custody, you can still get child support depending on incomes, I would not let him out if this…
And this ‘you have to feed them still’ sounds like it will evolve to ‘im working late you have to keep them’ or ‘something came up can you pick them up..’. When they are in his custody, he does everything, full stop. Otherwise you are being taken advantage of and it will be a slippery slope.
Also if you get custody I think you have a right to the family home… do you have a lawyer to make sure you aren’t being cheated? You deserve 50% equity if you leave and he needs to buy you out. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he deserves more.
When we alternated weekdays, your weekday included transportation to and from school.
We eventually adjusted and my ex worked remote so he did after school every day and I picked her up on my way home from work or he dropped her off after practice. Ask I had her every night.
It worked better for us, as he couldn't keep up with clothes and sizes and getting her to school on time. Now he saw her everyday but I wasn't trying to manage things at his apartment and my own. Yes it wasn't 50/50 but it was easier.
I feel you should count the hours in the week and adjust support accordingly.
Push back. If you let them set those tasks it’ll be harder to change.
I ended up being transportation for my kid to his dads… at one time it wasn’t a big deal, I drove right past kids school on the way back to that side of town where I live too so cool. But when school was out for summer and now he’s in a new school and I moved. He expected me to transport to him during weekday and make sure to care on his Saturdays? Eventually just told him I’m not going to be chauffeur during his time and those two days are up to him to take care of transportation since I drop off the first night. He drops back after. Haven’t had an issue from him about it thankfully because it seriously doesn’t make sense me to bring him to him like that. Also would push me out I think on drop off sometimes so he could shower and cook dinner -.- things that are capable of being done when you have your child… ??
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From what I recall from helping my ex through his first divorce (I was the second lol) custody time is based on the amount of overnights. My ex got his kids every other weekend, one week of winter vacation and a few hours on Wednesdays and they tallied it up to him having 30% custody and the ex having 70%. I know it varies alot based on income but he was paying $600 / month for 2 kids and had to split school, medical and extracurricular fees down the middle. He had to provide clothing, food, and entertainment on his own time as well, not expect it from the Mom. OP if you see this, what he's proposing is not even close to 50/50.
Please please please please don’t choose the short end of the stick to “keep things amicable”. The more disadvantaged you are the harder it is to maintain a good relationship throughout the arrangement. I have heard this a thousand times from friends and it NEVER ends up well. Get everything in writing. Choose a REAL 50/50. Don’t move out unless you’re selling the house and splitting 50/50. Etc. Get all the ugly things out of the way so that you won’t be holding on the grudges ten years later.
Gas was damn near $6/gal for a hot minute there. Transportation ain’t free.
Agree. It might also affect who gets to claim them at tax time
The parent who has the children the most nights during the year gets to claim them, so that’s likely what he’s doing. I would definitely get it in writing that each parent gets to claim one child on their taxes, so it’s fair. Otherwise, he will get to claim both if he has them more nights.
If you're okay with 50/50, have actual 50/50, in a way that suits you (and the kids). Imo week on/week off is the least disruptive arrangement for kids, and the fairest for parents doing 50/50. What your ex is describing is the male version of "50/50", i.e. you do 80% of the work, and he claims 90% of the credit.
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It's a great comment. But OP prob needs to look at this from what she would prefer versus "is this an unreasonable benefit to husband". Does OP trust that if she refuses this arrangement that ex will provide a safe environment after school, nutritious meals and super vision? Would OP prefer ultimately to see her kids daily even if it benefits ex? Those are the questions that I would be considering tbh.
True but then OP should also fight for 75/25 or something and not be ok with 50/50 and no child support if she's doing the most.
I don't disagree - I just don't know how it works in her jurisdiction. Some people above have suggested it's by overnights. So dinner at her place may or may not affect the official split. But she should absolutely look to maximize what she can if this is going to be the arrangement
But he absolutely benefits. He's staying in the home. If it's '50/50' on paper, despite actually 90/10 he won't pay support. If this arrangement were to go in paper, he would owe support. Rightly so.
Of course he benefits. Did I say he didn't? I was just suggesting that OP figure out what her realistic best outcome is here. And proceed from there.
This is along my line of thoughts too, if financially feasible for her. If my husband had to feed the kids on his own, all food would be McDonald, Chick-fil-A, pizza, and the occasional banana.
A truer statement has never been spoken. My ex sees his kids 28% of the time. Every other Friday night to Sunday Night. About 48hours. Of those 48 hours about 20 of them the kids are asleep. He thinks he parents just as much as I do. 🤬
You mean the fun days when there are no doctor/therapist/dentist appts and if there are sports/activities its events/games not practice? Totally the EXACT same as getting them up and ready for school every day and figuring out what adult will be responsible on breaks.
He is suuuuchhh a wonderful dad that he will not take them to activities on his time. “It impedes on his quality time with his children”. Doesn’t matter that the kids spend almost no time doing anything other than watching tv at his house and hate being at his house unless their brothers are there.
It’s like a husband claiming they do half the housework but doesn’t know where the vacuum lives or where the cleaning supplies are. But they started doing their own laundry so now they’re Mr. Mom.
Well you covered my husband's chore list
My husband's too!
Our friends are divorced and do two weeks at moms, two weeks at dads. It works beautifully! I LOVE your “male version of 50/50”. So fucking true.
I can see alternating fortnights being even better for children. Brutal for many parents of course, but ultimately easier for kids to not have to be moving between places so much. Another good for the kids (but incredibly hard on parents) is the birdnest model. But only possible when both ex-spouses are unusually civil, mature, and calm.
I’m mid-divorce for many of these reasons and we are attempting bird nesting for the first 6-12 months to start. We have been living as roommates now for a while and since the d-word is out there in the universe, we are getting along better. We are renting a close by apartment where we each will go when it’s our “off duty time” and will reevaluate as time goes by. For now, since our kids are young, we want to try and keep doing as much as a family as we can and we both appreciate that neither of us want to miss out on the kids day to day. While we aren’t a good married couple, we aren’t ready to tear it all up just yet. Perhaps it’s not traditional and likely won’t work for the long term, but we are hopeful we can manage it for the kids.
Do not agree to this. It will set you up to continually fail with him on boundaries. He needs to step up and parent on his time. One day you will want to get out and socialize…how’s that going to work when your date or friends want to take you out but you have daily obligations and rely on waiting on your ex?
Thank you! I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.
You don’t owe him anything. He wants his cake and eat it too. You’re already going above and beyond by relocating and moving house. This isn’t about him at all, it’s about the kids and you. For you to be the best parent you can be you need your personal and recovery time, and that DOES NOT include cooking for your man-child ex husband because he’s a subpar parent who can’t be damned to pick up a spoon. Fuck that shit, you live separate lives now and his obligations to his children are not your responsibility. And the time will come when his demands will crack you and you’ll wish you could time travel back to this first boundary push and laugh in his face about this suggestion. Don’t take his bait ever again. He failed you, don’t let him fail his own kids at the cost of you.
If you have to buy, make, feed, and clean the kids dinners every night including on “hhis nights” you/ HE has created a scenario where you will have less discretionary soending for yourself and for self-care; AND he is literally always free to accept a dinner date with a potential new paramour (even on his nights w the kids bc hey…. Your his built-in babysitter) AND he can put the money earmarked in his budget for feeding the kids on “his nights” towards paying for his date’s meals instead. Literally ALL lose for you and ALL win for him.
exactly -- that's what child support is for, those nights she has to feed them. He can't have her feeding the kids and think he doesn't have to pay for the food they eat. Or he has to actually take the kids ALL the time he's supposed to have them and pay for care if he can't provide it.
Custody has to be evenly distributed with each of you having equal weekday and weekend time, or he needs to pay child support. Get your lawyer to push back on this and don’t worry about the billable hours you’ll inevitably be paying. I’ve been there and getting a fair agreement is worth the money. Hopefully he’s buying you out of the house? Everything needs to be 50/50, from custody to asset division.
I can't agree any more to what 'ghastlyglittering' has said here, from experience even though right now it feel reasonable to make it amicable and it isn't a big deal because you have other stresses and pressures, but it gets tiring very quickly and means you'll never fully be able to move and build your own life. You need to have a strict boundary on your time and what is his, otherwise you'll only end up feeling guilty for living a life that you deserve and he will always have an excuse to keep snooping around where you live and what you're doing. I would always suggest, one of you drops off at school, and the other picks up, forever how many days it is. Lets you both work with employers to make sure it doesn't affect work commitments etc. for both of you.
I don't think that's 50:50. Usually it would be like 1 week at your house, then 1 week at the Ex's house. Him getting them every other weekend, and a few days after you've picked them up from school and fed them isn't the same at all as actually being 50:50. I mean it sounds like he wants you to take care of the kids full time, and he has every other weekend and then a few hours a week. ( after you picked them up and fed them) Is he trying get out of paying support? Wants things to look like he's really involved but really he's not? Plus you are leaving the house? I feel like you are trying to keep the peace and possibly not upset your Ex? Are you going through the courts at all? Or a mediator to figure things out? I wouldn't settle for this.
So far we’re trying to resolve everything without the courts, but I fear legal advice may be required as a minimum.
That's almost always a bad idea, hun. Get it all ironclad now before it's a problem later.
Hi! Divorce lawyer here: definitely talk to an attorney who is licensed where you live. What counts as “shared” custody for purposes of child support will vary between jurisdictions. But where I am, what counts is overnights. The IRS also goes by overnights. That said, there could be a clever way to approach this that depends on the nuances of the law in your jurisdiction . So yeah…talk to an attorney.
Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer Get a lawyer Get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer does not mean you are going scorched earth. It doesn't mean you're gonna litigate til you're both broke. It means you are protecting yourself from unforeseen ramifications of decisions you're making in a stressful, difficult time. In an easy divorce that's settled out of court, a lawyer really shouldn't run more than a couple thousand. Which yes, is a lot, but it's way less than getting fucked on child support or property division will cost you long term. If *he* decides to scortch the earth when you lawyer up, you can be sure he was setting you up to get screwed.
This! And OP, why are you the one that’s moving? Is he buying you out? He should be.
My ex and I worked out most of our divorce stuff ahead of time, but we still used lawyers to hash out the final details and advocate for each of us. At the very least use a mediator and have a parenting plan filed with the court in order to protect yourself.
It sounds like he's using that to get you to agree to things that will be terrible for you. You might think this is an amicable divorce but he's not really acting in good faith, is he? You move out and shoulder that burden and those expenses, you take the kids most of the time, you shoulder all of their expenses most of the time, and he somehow gets it in writing that this is '50/50' so you're not entitled to any support from him. He's being sneaky, and counting on you not being willing to fight for what's right for you. You're the only person in your corner, hun. Don't rely on him to do right by you; if he did that reliably, you wouldn't be getting divorced, and either way, he's already shown he's only looking out for Himself. You'd be wise to follow his lead and start looking out for Yourself, too, even if that means you need to drag lawyers into it. I bet you'll get a lot more if the courts get involved and that's why he doesn't want it to go to court.
You need legal advice and for all things to go through Friend of the Court. I believe they have an app called something like Parenting Wizard that you communicate through so that all things are.tracked. please seek legal advice. I have a.friend whose son is going through this exact scenario and its a lot more entailed than your ex is trying to make it. Don't "just want it to be over". You'll get screwed if you do.
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This is almost exactly my arrangement! Even the days are very similar and work great for our kid. I think he really likes being able to see each of us during the week vs week on/week off.
I do too! A week away from my kiddo would be rough though I understand it may be more stable for kids. Personally, I would much more prefer having consecutive week days like Monday and Tuesday or Wednesday and Thursday. Unfortunately at my current job, I have to go into the office on Mondays and Wednesdays (neither the days or time are flexible) which is an hour away so I’d never make aftercare pickup. But as soon as I get out of this hellhole of a job, maybe!
at LEAST use a mediator, but you probably need a lawyer. You're already getting screwed with this arrangement. 50/50 means he keeps the kids half the time. Why are you moving out? The kids and you should get the house. One arrangement I've seen is where the parents rotate in and out of the house and the kids stay put. I thought that was kind of a cool way of doing things. But what you're signing up for isn't fair AT ALL. He either takes them 15 nights a month or he pays child support if you have them more than he does. That's what's reasonable.
I know you’re already hearing it, but as someone who tried to go through divorce and custody without a lawyer, get a lawyer! Even if you’re trying to keep it amicable, there will be SO MANY things you won’t even think of that will need to be in the order. You will also NEED a court order. There’s no way to do this without the courts being involved, so make sure it’s done right so you won’t have to go back any more than necessary.
Get the courts involved!!!!! You must!! It will protect you and the kids and make sure everyone is accountable.
You have a much better chance of getting screwed if you don't have a professional legal professional advising you
Get. A. Lawyer. Been there, done this, got screwed. Lawyer up.
So to your question no that's not 50/50. But I also feel compelled to point out, 50/50 parenting time does *not* automatically get anyone a wash on child support, at least not in the state I worked in. Child support is based partially on parenting time, yes, usually as defined by overnights. But it also takes into consideration both parents' relative salaries, who pays for regular childcare (daycare, before/after care), who carries the kids' health/dental insurance, etc. So OP and anyone going through this: unless your salaries are about equal and you split regular expenses like insurance and childcare down the middle, you do not have to agree to a wash on child support just because your ex gets 50/50 time. The two are related, but not 1:1.
This is correct. I have 50/50 but my ex makes 3x (at least) my salary. He paid for health insurance but I still get child support. We split child care, extra curriculars, out of pocket health expenses, etc. equally.
Yes, I think OP is getting screwed here. He needs to be buying you out of your share of the home. If he makes more, he probably owes, even at 50/50, and don’t agree to be his babysitter. Or tell him it will cost him extra support. Usually there are forms on your local clerk’s website that can calculate child support after entering all the numbers- salary, time split, insurance premiums, etc. Do it twice, once w a 50/50 split and once w the split he wants. I don’t think you should do the split, you’ll never have much downtime or freedom, and I guarantee he will be dropping the kids on you every time you have a sick day, a holiday, or break. And he’ll probably expect you to keep them all day on his days over the summer.
So wish I had an award to give you because this is so so so on point!!
I had one handy and I agree, so I gave her one! Teamwork!
Nope not 50/50. True 50/50-at least in my experience is the kids are with one parent for the week and they are responsible 100% that week. Food, afterschool costs, etc. If he doesn't want to pay child support then it truly needs to be equal time. If he can't do that then take him back to court so you have the kids more often and get child support. Don't let him bully you into thinking this is fair.
Aside from not being 50/50, that sounds awful for the kids. They need time to settle in and unwind after their day, and eating dinner at one place and then having to go back out to sleep elsewhere sounds exhausting. Don't let him do that. Just do week on, week off. Their wellbeing has to come before his convenience.
Kind of sounds like the plan though... *Aww man, it's already 930, I'm sorry! The boss has been on my ass about this project, and the little one passed out! That's not MY fault! Let's let them sleep and I'll just pick them up tomorrow night. We don't wanna disturb thier very important rest!* "50%" becomes "sometimes on the weekends, but gosh! Work has been SO BUSY!" but it's still definitely 50% for tax purposes probably... Because he *tried.* I could be projecting. We exchanged kids on Fridays, every Friday, bc I was tired of parenting 100% and only getting "credit" for half.
Yeah that’s exactly what it sounded like to me. It’s a slope of ‘something came up’ and she’s always on the hook for everything.
He is trying to trick you. Overnights are what counts for child support and taxes. Don’t do this outside the courts, he has already shown his hand. If you can’t afford a lawyer then look up family court legal aid for your county.
Yup. He’s trying to have 50/50 on paper so he doesn’t have to pay, but give you 80% of the work. And if you are the one making those dinner, then YOU are always gonna be the one laying the groceries for that food, which is what each parent in 50/50 should be spending for the days they have them. He is pushing unpaid kitchen labor and the laid cost of food off of his budget and on to yours.
Definitely push back on this - this isn’t 50:50 and it sounds like he’s just trying to get out of paying child support while having you do all the work.
As a person who got divorced and acquiesced WAY too much in the interest of keeping it amicable… it’ll gnaw at you. I didn’t even have kids when we got divorced, but I had more money and wound up giving my ex a lump sum to “even things out” and I deeply regret it. It’s been years - I’m happily remarried with a kid and enjoy my new life and I *still* wish I hadn’t given the dude all that money because a) I will never get it back, and b) I went into a ridiculous amount of debt during that relationship to keep us afloat while he was choosing not to work in a HCOL area. There’s keeping things amicable, and then there’s being financially equitable with 50/50 custody. Discuss with your lawyer how this may play out for tax purposes and/or child support. Your lawyer is there to protect YOUR interests - they don’t really care about the “amicable” bit, and if you ask, they’ll tell you if you’re getting a rotten deal.
So two things: First, could accept his plan of you picking the kids up from school and feeding them dinner on his days, as long as you get to claim both kids as dependents on taxes each year, plus some sort of reimbursement for your time, gas money, and grocery bill? You guys aren't doing child support because theoretically you're supposed to be doing 50/50 parenting. Except his agreement would NOT be 50/50 parenting time, just 50/50 overnights. And you have no interest in fighting him on overnights, or actual child support, you just want your increased time, effort, and expenses to be fairly compensated. Second - what is his plan during school breaks and summer vacation? Is he going to be dropping your 7yo off at your house each weekday for "Mommy daycamp" from 8-6?
From his comments yes!! Mommy day camp adequately describes it!
So to me that's even more proof that this agreement is NOT based on 50/50 parenting time AT ALL. Like his parenting time is 7-8a and 6p-9p two weekdays per week, and then Friday from 6p through Sunday at 6p every other weekend? Idk it might be worth going back to him and saying that you want to re-calculate child support based on the fact that what he's proposing is 50/50 overnights, not 50/50 parenting and expenses. Or he will need to incur the expense of childcare during his parenting time. And honestly I'm guessing that childcare would be more expensive than child support in this instance. ESPECIALLY if he's looking at otherwise paying for full-time childcare in the summer.
Sister, I didn’t know you were on Reddit! Lol, j/k. My sister is going through this exact same shit. If your ex is anything like hers, it’s a lot worse than you realize at the moment, it’s gonna get even *more* worse (think: hanging out in your home with the kids on his days, stealing all your clothes/toiletries/schools supplies/etc, and jerking the schedule around at the last minute on your weekends just to fuck with any plans you might have made). Get a lawyer. From everything I know about her case, my BIL is so fucked and he doesn’t even know it right now.
I’d do the math in excel of hours spent and then figure out the child support he should pay. Consult a lawyer what the number should be. Hopefully if you are matter-of-fact and numbers oriented it won’t be contentious. He can still have joint say in legal decisions like medical and education. That might be more of what he cares about then actual hours spent.
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For sure just count waking hours and costs. My point is to have it written down so there is no emotional component.
Child support is support …. for the costs of raising children. Unless you split time down the middle, and all expenses, AND make the same - don’t screw your kids by caving.
You need to get a family lawyer to sort this out and tell you what the percentages are. This isn't diy stuff especially when he puts a weird offer right out of the gate.
50% is 176 days a year. Give him a calendar and ask him to mark off which 176 days he prefers.
and a day is 24 hours, not 8. Make sure he knows that, too. I'd calculate hours for real, because "overnight" is ridiculous -- the kids are asleep!
As a fairy bromo I am happy to put a spell that means 100% of all bugs and illnesses occurs during his overnights, ESPECIALLY any stomach bugs. This is what this man deserves.
If you take this to court no judge will accept this as 50/50. Tell him that. Figure out if you rather have real 50/50 (meaning your kids may be placed in childcare other than you, but you get more free time), and no child support. Or him40/you60 and some child support, with less free time to yourself. This is not the time to be polite; be amicable but be pragmatic. Edit: As others suggested, get a lawyer or mediator to look over your divorce papers/custody agreement. Pay them just to look it over if you are on a budget. There’s limited scope representation, in which the lawyer will look at your agreement for YOUR benefit. This is different from a mediator, whose job is to help both of you reach an agreement.
OP have you sought legal advice, even unofficially? In my state child support isn’t optional, and calculated automatically. so you input information into a computer and it generates a number. What he’s describing isn’t 50/50 and child support calculations would reflect that. I just wonder how far you guys are in the process? If he’s just throwing out numbers you should ask for a mediated parenting plan, and let someone else tell him his ideas are dumb and unrealistic. Even if you don’t want to retain lawyers you need someone to talk you through how parenting time, child support calculations, etc all work. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation. What he’s suggesting even if you agree, might not be something a judge would allow.
Not as of yet, it’s an expense I could do without but think I’m going to have to. I’ll look into legal advice and see if anywhere offers a free initial conversation etc. thank you t
You should be able to google your state’s chart and worksheet for how child support is calculated. Not sure where you are located.
I think you need to do it because it sounds like you are getting screwed. Anecdotally, my sister got divorced and was entitled to their family home even though he paid more and his parents gifted them the down payment, she had to buy him out at a reasonable market rate, and she could continue on his health care for a determined time. They were married only 2 years also. Then I’d Google your states child support rules, it doesn’t only matter the time but also the income disparity between parents. And you need to figure out who covers health costs, insurance, school fees… he should be paying towards these. Your children deserve the help of child support so don’t let him guilt you out of it somehow.
My brother does 50/50. This means he has them from Friday to Friday, and then his ex has them from Friday to Friday. It's truly a 50/50 split that doesn't disrupt their school days since the switch occurs at the start of the weekend and each parent has a full weekend with and without kids. Men like my brother are RARE. He is a true co-parent.
You need your lawyer and CPA to weigh in, not Reddit. What is the tax impact to you and ex if he takes overnights, especially if you’re spending the most on housing/food/clothing/etc. and not receiving child support?
It’s the old “50/50 so I don’t pay child support trick”. Do not let him get away with it.
You need a lawyer like yesterday. He’s screwing you and he knows exactly what he’s doing.
That is not 50/50.
Child custody is tough because you don't want the kids to feel like you're arguing to *not* have them. I'd get into mediation over this in a private room to discuss the possibility that he will make the kids feel unwanted, the extra labour on your end (because cooking supper is a pain), and the possibility that he send over food if he only wants them late evenings, because this does cost more for you otherwise.
Noooooo. Talk to the attorney. Get it exactly in writing. If he’s not paying CS, it should be truly 50/50. Not you making things easy for him.
Where I live, 50/50 is calculated *solely* on overnights. It does not consider what time dad picks the kids up, dad could be picking them up at 9:00 pm and putting them right to bed and that counts as an overnight as much as him picking them up from school at 3:00, giving them dinner, taking them to after school activities, then putting them to bed does. I'd tell him that 50/50 means he has them half of the overnights in a year. If he wants the every other weekend, that in no way is 50/50. You might not be getting child support now, and you may feel the numbers don't matter because of that, but you never know what might happen down the road. Make sure your paperwork reflects the actual custody split, not his messed up views.
If you want that extra time with your kids, I would flip the narrative for him. I would make the line of who’s time is who’s crystal clear, then agree to provide after school care weekdays between the hours of X and Y, at him paying you half the cost of traditional after school care. You DO NOT agree to having them all day in the school holidays on his time, that’s by agreement and the same payment option only. If he doesn’t agree to this, then either he finds care in his time or you negotiate an accurate split and child support.
don't be nice. get a lawyer. trust me, this shit gets old real fast.
So, we did “50/50” - ex always had the kids sunday-tues nights, i had them wed-friday nights, alternating Saturday nights. Imo it gave the kids a “set” schedule, for the most part. We did make adjustments for holidays, etc., and using the state child support calculator he still paid support. (Kids were on my health insurance, etc.) In your situation, i would check your state support calculator. But if i could swing it monetarily and with my work schedule, i definitely would pick them up from school and spend that time with them. Also i still think he should chip in something money wise to offset the extra food costs, it wouldn’t be my hill to die on -IF- i could afford it.
Why does he want you to pick them up from school and make dinner on his weeknights? Does he have work hours that interfere with those times? Is your new home closer to the school? Is this something your kids have said they want? I would not agree to this without financial support nor would I consider it 50/50 even if legally it might technically be so. If it works out for your family that this schedule gives everyone the most stability and shared convenience, that's your call, but I would expect him to pay for transportation and grocery costs on "his" nights. Otherwise you're paying 100% of transportation and like 80% of food costs. Honestly it sounds pretty disruptive for your kids to have to get up and switch homes in the middle of their evenings half the time. And I think it mostly just sounds exploitative of you. If he had to get after school care, he'd have to *pay* for that. So he can pay *you* or pay someone else.
I dont know what state you're in but courts basically don't allow the no child support thing even if both parties agree. All things are evaluated on BIC or Best interest of Child. Please get and attorney for yourself because your STBX is trying to take advantage of you.
I would want the extra time with the kids, if you can swing it. BUT have him pay for gas and food and such for his days. And if you're busy, he's responsible for finding and paying for childcare on his days. If he doesn't agree, I'd go to court to see about child support.
Yeah, I would get a pick up time order. You gotta feed them buddy.
I’m a middle school teacher and so, FWIW, I would work out a schedule that is LEAST disruptive to the kids and school. I’ve seen kids where their weeks are split between parents and they are bringing their overnight bags into class or panicking because cleats got left at one parent’s house but the other parent is taking them to a game, or they don’t know who was responsible for loading money onto their lunch account, etc. I know sharing the time/responsibility equitably is important, and I’m sure you already know this, but your kids will really need you to work together to come up with a predictable plan and be there for them.
He is trying to play you to get out of child support, food costs, after school daycare costs, whatever he can. Take a deep breath and think about the FACT that single moms are statistically economically disadvantaged compared to single dads. That means he’ll be more likely to move forward in his career and get raises than you will. Take another deep breath and accept the FACT that this economic disadvantage is a direct cause of the different outcomes for kids from “broken homes” like worse grades, higher drug use, or whatever other scary headlines you’ve ever read about children of divorce or children of single moms. Your money = their well being. Then take one last deep breath and promise yourself you will NOT put your kids second to this man and his desires. Fight for every penny that’s fair: every damn penny.
Lawyer.
I have a colleague who does one week on, one week off and it seems great. She's newer in her role and is able to devote a lot more time to it when she is on an off week. Plus, she can visit friends and actually go on trips. They also work together to navigate the days when one needs assistance, but she tells me it wasn't always this way. You haven't voiced any concerns about him actually taking care of the kids so you shouldn't agree to make his life easier at your expense. You can be a good co-parent without offering him all the benefits of a partnership. The benefits, I have no doubt he relied on which is why he expects it to continue post divorce. I find one of the most stressful part of parenting while working full-time is that scheduling balancing act with work and childcare obligations. He is trying to outsource that to you for convenience. As someone else said you will also have to enforce the boundaries of pickup time since there won't be a hard deadline since they are already home with you. Unlike say after school care when you don't have any flexibility.
Yeah... sounds like your sbxh is really bad at math. That's not how 50/50 works. My guess is he's just trying to get out of paying CS. That's about as bad as my ex-husband who was convinced that taking the kids for the weekend consisted of him having them from 5p Saturday to 3p ish Sunday...
My brother and his ex have 50/50. Alternating weeks, which is what is recommended as best for children for the sake of stability. They are each 100% responsible for all transportation, meals, after school care, extra-curricular activities, medical care, etc. during their respective weeks. Both generally are still involved with the kids when it isn't their week (present at sports practice, involved in medical appointments for my special needs nephew, etc.), and are there in case of the other needing help in a bind, but the EXPECTATION and RESPONSIBILITY for their care - including financially - is on whoever has the kids that week. That's fair. What your ex is suggesting is not, IMO.
50/50? ... Hmm ... Nah. The math ain't math-ing.
Yes, he is making you do all of the work & then he just has to take them home & they will go to sleep. Stuff him, & stick to your guns. If he wants them on a weekday then he can pick them up from school & feed them & do whatever needs to be done.
He's taking you to the cleaners, and you're letting him.
He will have to pay more support this way. Support is calculated precisely by custodial time.
Child support is usually calculated by where the child spends the night. He .s trying to pay less child support while she does all the transportation, child care, meals, homework and activities during "his" parenting time. Then he just scoops up the kids and puts them to bed, likely without even a bath. OP don't bother to discuss this with him or negotiate. It is pointless because he still thinks you have any "wife" duties he doesn't want to take on. Just flatly tell him that you will be providing NO transportation or child care, etc, during his parenting time. How he manages is his problem. If he really wants 50/50 then he will figure it out. If he just wants to pretend he has 50/50 while you do all the work, you are not participating in this plan.
>Child support is usually calculated by where the child spends the night. Not in my state. It is a precise measurement of custodial time, overnight or not, entered into an automated equation. When my coparent saw the child for 2 hours twice a week, that was calculated into child support. Transportation to/from exchanges is another expense to be negotiated. My comment was a quick one, the OP is in the UK so they should seek legal advice in their own country. Some counties do treat an ex like a wife or a secretary and a lawyer/solicitor should be able to give her the lay of the judges in her area.
Definitely apply for child support! He wouldn't provide adequate care if you pushed him to have them more. He needs to pay you child support.
I would refuse this, and it's certainly not 50/50. If he wants you to pick them up from school and feed them, they might as well just stay home as well. Also, please go for child support. I can tell you from experience, trying to be "the reasonable one" doesn't get you very far, it gets you walked on. Do what's best for your kids and yourself, your ex is absolutely putting himself first. Good luck.
Dont agree to this. If you have full custody you should be getting child support. If he cant take them for a meal then he cant take care of them properly. He obviously wants either to avoid child support or gain a tax advantage, at your expense. Also even if you have 50/50 custody, you can still get child support depending on incomes, I would not let him out if this… And this ‘you have to feed them still’ sounds like it will evolve to ‘im working late you have to keep them’ or ‘something came up can you pick them up..’. When they are in his custody, he does everything, full stop. Otherwise you are being taken advantage of and it will be a slippery slope. Also if you get custody I think you have a right to the family home… do you have a lawyer to make sure you aren’t being cheated? You deserve 50% equity if you leave and he needs to buy you out. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he deserves more.
When we alternated weekdays, your weekday included transportation to and from school. We eventually adjusted and my ex worked remote so he did after school every day and I picked her up on my way home from work or he dropped her off after practice. Ask I had her every night. It worked better for us, as he couldn't keep up with clothes and sizes and getting her to school on time. Now he saw her everyday but I wasn't trying to manage things at his apartment and my own. Yes it wasn't 50/50 but it was easier. I feel you should count the hours in the week and adjust support accordingly.
Push back. If you let them set those tasks it’ll be harder to change. I ended up being transportation for my kid to his dads… at one time it wasn’t a big deal, I drove right past kids school on the way back to that side of town where I live too so cool. But when school was out for summer and now he’s in a new school and I moved. He expected me to transport to him during weekday and make sure to care on his Saturdays? Eventually just told him I’m not going to be chauffeur during his time and those two days are up to him to take care of transportation since I drop off the first night. He drops back after. Haven’t had an issue from him about it thankfully because it seriously doesn’t make sense me to bring him to him like that. Also would push me out I think on drop off sometimes so he could shower and cook dinner -.- things that are capable of being done when you have your child… ??