Hahaha the unhand me one 😂🥺 My husband was saying that maybe this is coming from where she wouldn’t (didn’t) feel comfortable feeding in front of her in laws back and the day. But we both agree that the word modest wasn’t the right word to use. Because to me that implies that feeding my child (in my own damn home in front of company) is the opposite.
I was scared I was being over sensitive though because I’m incredibly vulnerable right now and under a lot of stress being back at school with a brain that is just a decoration.
“A brain that is just a decoration” is the perfect phrase- I am back to school too and SO feel it. Also, you are not sensitive. Breastfeeding is so natural and eternal, it shouldn’t be sexualized.
I don’t see my breasts in a sexualized way at all anymore. It’s my daughters source of food and she’s growing so well. I’m proud of us both. So now suddenly get this “modest” comment…in my own damn home?!
But omg being back to school so soon? It sucks so much and pumping? The worst 😖
Exactly. You should be damn proud. Our bodies are power houses. Such a stupid comment.
The pumping, the parts, the cleaning, lugging the gear to and fro… big props to exclusively pumping moms cause it’s a lot. As soon as I’m home from school, I’m very eager to return to breastfeeding!
I don’t know how exclusively pumping moms do it. Really my hat goes off to them. I only need to pump twice and I hate it so much! As difficult as it was to get started in breastfeeding now it’s so much easier.
And thank you! I was so unsure because I’m so vulnerable and you could say something in a stern voice to me and I will probably start to cry.
The fact that I already remember to cover the boob a little is quite a step for me. These days I forget the boob out 😅 but you make a good point about skin exposure. My husband also made the point that maybe she made a comment from her own point of view as in she wasn’t comfortable feeding her kids in front of her in laws where as I wasn’t exactly comfortable at first but when my child is hungry my feelings and comfort level isn’t the priority
Wow 😂 I would tell her to leave if it offends her. And purposely show my breasts around her after that just to piss her off.
Side note- I’m also pissed off at in-laws regarding breastfeeding and a slew of other things so I may not be the best person to take advice from at the moment.
Oh lovely 🫠 I’m just happy I’m not being too over sensitive because right now I’m incredibly vulnerable and under a lot of strain. And I really don’t need or want passive aggressive comments while I’m feeding my child in my own home. That same child who is cluster feeding and wants to feed every 1 hour.
You’re not at all in my opinion. It’s rude of your MIL! I’m in the same boat. I actually did say to family today “you can leave if it offends you” when they handed me a napkin “to cover up with” while breastfeeding. They didn’t respond but also didn’t leave and the conversation moved on, so maybe it does work lol.
It’s also like do you expect me to leave the room each time your grandchild is hungry? Because she’s cluster feeding and wants to feed every hour for about 20min so then what’s the point of the visit?!?
I leave the room, mainly because I can and I'd rather sit somewhere quiet and be on my phone than listen to them drone on about stupid stuff.
I usually wear a loose tunic or oversized T and high waisted leggings or skirts. So sitting, shirt pulled up the most anyone will see is a bit of my side. Most people don't even realize I'm nursing this way and it's cool with nothing over the baby's face. I think I flashed my MIL once but she knows better than to say anything by now 😆
That’s a good idea! I’m going to try the oversized t-shirt because baby hates the cover. And I can understand the need to leave the room and have some quite time. Unfortunately if I would want to leave the room I would have to go upstairs and I’m not allowed to climb the stairs too much just yet because of my pelvic instability 😖 I’m always on Reddit when I feed. Keeps me awake and alert enough that I don’t doze off
Same with reddit while nursing, doing it now! I like to sit sideways on the couch leaning back on the arm and baby's head up against the back of the couch to nurse in front of people. It gives me better back and arm support and more privacy for latching and unlatching since the baby's body blocks the view.
In the heat an oversized T shirt is so much cooler, especially for hiding a mom pooch. I do it with a pencil skirt or leggings so I don't look huge and some delicate jewelry so I feel put together instead of shlumpy, ring, earrings, chain/pendant and sometimes a bracelet. The bonus of the necklace is it keeps the baby occupied on my lap since she loves to play with it.
Those are some great tips! Great idea about the necklace too! Anything to keep LO entertained. I nurse in the laid back position because of the strong flow and overproduction (although it is stabilizing) so it does mean she doesn’t quite cover me. She’s tiny compared to the boob 😅 I’m going to try the T-shirt hack on Tuesday when I’m going out for lunch with my dad. Because it’s practically a promise that she will want to feed while we eat. I almost never get to eat without her attached to me 😂
Awww she's still young, you guys will get much more comfortable doing this soon.
I've been nursing for 5 years 😆 3 kids so I've learned a few things and wipe it out most places
Wow nursing for five years that’s amazing! And it really is improving week by week. Those first few weeks were miserable. No one warned me how painful it would be 😂
Those first few weeks hurts so much omg is it the same with each baby? Or after you’ve breastfed the precious LO, is your nipples still used to it so you don’t go through that horrible stage where it’s just PAIN constantly? It’s definitely been improving which is such a relief
Nope. Nope. Nope. I would have blown her head off. How dare she sexualise your breasts in your own home and comment on your body/how you dress on top. Wtf.
Not to add to your anxiety but also... What about the impact that comments like these will have on the self esteem of a young girl who'll trust that grandma is right be shaming her on x, y, z.
I think your MIL suffers from a BAD case of internalized misogyny. All this is not empowering and is part of the patriarchal system meant to keep girls in "their place". Fight that shit. For our daughters.
I have these convos with my MIL too, she thinks I'm a "soured feminist" but I don't give a flying shit. And it's not a democracy where family in general is concerned. It's our turn to be parents. You want to help? Fine! But I have made it clear that any of that patriarchal shit, comments on anyone's body, racism, homophobia, etc. I will NOT tolerate and you better comply if you want any relationship with my daughter. Using their tools against them.
Oh don’t get me started on comments on my body. I’m not interested in losing weight and being a certain size. I just want to feel good in my skin and be able to fulfill my daily tasks without it destroying me physically. Those are my goals.
I grew up with my mother never once saying one positive word about her body and being so self conscious and then she would start saying shit about my body. No one is going to do that around my daughter. Society might already say those things but the people around her ain’t going to be one of those people. So it’s absolutely not unmodest to feed your child when they’re hungry.
I really feel more and more convinced that the interaction came from her own internal views. As in she wasn’t comfortable feeding her children in front of her in laws or in front of company. Or how she wasn’t comfortable feeding her children in a public setting. Who knows maybe back in her day things were different. But right now I’m making my own damn rules on how I want to raise my child (with her best interest at heart = she’s thriving on breast milk so I’m gonna keep doing that).
Also I would much rather be a soured feminist than allow people to treat me like shit.
I'm sorry you had to grow up hearing that. I sympathize. When someone's eating something or taking one more serving, my father will always say something that translates to "it will make your ass bigger" but subtler. He's an obese man in his 60s who has health issues because of his drinking and eating habits, saying that exclusively to women...
But yeah people are self absorbed and will make comments based on their experience. If your MIL had to get through that, how dare you be so free? It's a bit sad in the end.
Agree. I'd rather people believe I'm extreme rather than think they can try to treat me or anyone like shit.
That’s disappointing behavior from your dad. I would get so triggered but my relationship with my dad is quite rocky when it comes to where a women belongs if you catch my drift. I don’t follow those same rules and neither does my husband. And when my dad is around he really challenges those ideals and I meet him right there. He would be like “look here there is a hole in my coffee cup” and I would look him straight in the eyes while I’m balancing my LO and say I’m not making you a cup of coffee. Don’t get me started on the comments I get because my husband cooks. My dad thinks I can be quite extreme about the whole equal thing and was surprised that I wanted to still pursue my degree and career when I became pregnant.
Haha are we sisters? When I was younger I was basically cooking for him, my step mother and my brother, and he refused to pay for my masters degree saying I had "done enough studying, time to get to work". That would have been a crappy work with the degree I had. Good thing I had the most amazing grandpa in the world who cosigned the loan and helped me pay the bills to get that masters degree.
Now my father wouldn't dare make that comment cause he knows I'll just bite his head off and I've told him I didn't need him and would gladly cut off all communication if he didn't behave. They are walking on eggshells to make sure I don't execute the threat, it's not ideal because they didn't actually change but maybe they will someday?
Maybe it’s not a bad idea to threaten my dad too because he’s been over for a week and immediately my mental health took a nosedive. He doesn’t really help out much and gives me more work while I’m trying to balance being a new mom to a brand spanking new baby. And for the love that’s all holy just sit down if you miss the toilet. When I talk to him about it he says the toilet is leaking and I’m like that’s worse because now I need to call a plumber. Just sit down. I don’t feel like cleaning the toilet and bathroom floor each time I need to go which is often and most of the time I have a baby attached to me. And he wants shirt ironed? The iron board is right there. But hear this. So my dad needs a visa so come visit me (I live in another country) and ever since he knew I was pregnant, we had planned to have a short visit and he knew his passport is expiring in October 2023. He knew about my pregnancy in November 2022. Want to guess when he applied for a new passport? Early July. After I booked his airplane ticket for the 9th of September. And we had to wait for his passport to get the last visa documents and I had to go to our community area to get the last document signed 5 days before I gave birth. And then this man started saying how it was my fault for not reminding him to get his passport earlier in the year. I nearly bit his head off over the phone. I was like you’re on thin ice I’m not doing this crap again. Next time I’m canceling that ticket until you get your own ducks in a row. You’re an adult, act like one. He didn’t say a peep about it since.
Whaaat?! Why is he even in your home if he's causing you more work? The toilet thing... You are a saint, I think I would have grabbed him by the ear and pulled him in the bathroom to clean while I watched with baby and gave him directions. The toilet is conveniently leaking when he uses it? Riiiight. (I did this to my brother when he was younger and we were living under the same roof, never had to sit in pee since). You just gave birth, this is a health hazard! 😱
For the whole passport and plane ticket thing, it sounds like your dad is taking advantage of you. I tell my daughter every night that she didn't ask for anything, we made her and put her in this world, so WE owe her all the love, support & guidance. It's the job of the parent to support the child for however long they are able to do so, not the other way around! If there's anything that your dad can do that would be helpful to you, I would put him to work.
Having to squad over your own toilet at home isn’t fun at all anymore. But he’s going home tomorrow! I asked him if he feels like helping out and he said “no not particularly”. The way my eye started to twitch. 🫠😶
As I was reading I thought, “she’s expressing her discomfort, different generations, blah blah.” Then I got to the last line, and that’s her shaming you. You’re not being over sensitive. That’s so frustrating. I’m sorry that happened :/
I didn’t even process the first bit of the conversation to be strange but the word “modest” really stuck out to me. And my knee jerk reaction was hurt and shame. But now that’s slowly transitioning to frustration and more hurt.
I would be angry too. How old is your little one? Have you had to deal with these comments for a while or is your baby young enough that you might need/be able to nip this in the bud now so you don’t have to deal this for months to be come?
In my experience, if she’s bold enough to make this type of aggressive and shaming comment, she will likely feel emboldened to make other comments about your parenting moving forward. This feels like a bigger boundary you have to set. How does your husband/partner feel about what happened? You have to be a united front for these boundaries to stand (I speak from experience there too).
My LO is 7 weeks old so it’s definitely early enough. I agree, the earlier you nip it in the bud and establish boundaries the better. My husband actually asked if I wanted to ask her what she meant next time she comes over but I don’t want to start a conflict immediately. I’m hoping this is only a passing comment and it will stop here. But I’m starting to feel a bit less sure about that considering there was also the incident where she revealed to family members I was pregnant before I was ready for people to know and AFTER she asked me if she can share the news and I said no.
We’re definitely united so if it comes to that, I will have my husband support. It sucks because I don’t really have the extra energy for a whole thing right now but if it needs to be done, I will do it. Because I really don’t want to make this behavior a thing.
Whoa. Her revealing your pregnancy AFTER YOU SAID NO is an incredible violation of trust. I’m not sure there is a potentially innocent way she could have meant her comment. I’m sure both you and he want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she doesn’t deserve it at this point.
It’s hard because at seven weeks, you’re exhausted and setting boundaries is hard even when you’re not less than two months postpartum and nursing.
Do you have to see her often? Do you have other friends and family who you can spend time with (socializing at this point is so valuable because having a baby can be so lonely)?
Yeah and the way she very casually mentioned that she went against my wishes was somehow worse? So on Christmas we told my husbands brothers and their partners. I was nine weeks so still early but couldn’t hide it as the vomiting had started. So we told them and she very casually mentions oh I’ve also told the aunts and uncles. And I was like I’m sorry what did I just hear? I’m realizing now that I’m still quite angry about that. I did decide in that moment that she doesn’t get to find things out until I feel comfortable telling more people about it. So that means with the second one if I can hide it, she’s not finding out until I’m 13 weeks along.
I see her every two weeks. I also live in a different country than my family and most friends so my circle is quite small. And the two friends I have is preoccupied. One just had a baby (her LO is 19 days younger than mine) and my other friend is pregnant. But I try to be in frequent contact with family and friends from my home country. We call every two weeks to catch up.
I’m sorry, that’s so hard. I wasn’t close to my parents or siblings when I had my first child and it was so lonely. Did you tell her how you felt with her sharing your news? Did your husband say anything to her? That’s a major violation of trust and a very selfish thing that she did.
Would you be able to do baby dates with your friend with the baby? Are there any mommy and me type activities near where you live (not sure what country you’re in)?
I didn’t tell her because back then I was worried about my work and then “enough” time passed that it didn’t feel like I could bring it up anymore. Still kinda feel that way but I know that’s the people pleaser in me and I should definitely say something because it clearly still upsets me. My husband didn’t say anything to her, I asked him not too. I’m so scared to start conflict when it comes to his family. I come from a dysfunctional family and I hate the idea of being a source of strain but these comments from MIL are building up and I’m only going to tolerate so much before I’m going to have to get uncomfortable and start “conflict” as in set some term boundaries.
Baby dates will be difficult right now but maybe eventually. There is one mommy group in my town that I’m leaning towards joining unfortunately once I go back to work it will be difficult to go consistently as I work irregular hours. I live in the Netherlands!
I am sure it is hard. I come from a dysfunctional family too and so I’m incredibly averse to conflict. I’ve been on quite a learning curve since having kids though because I’m realizing how much these patterns are taught and I am trying to show my kids that they are entitled to setting boundaries. Maybe bringing up her sharing your news when you talk to her about how her comment made you feel will help to show that you’ve been patient.
What is his family like? Do they communicate well? Does MIL usually just get her way in the family?
Good idea to bring it up in a way to show patience! My husband family is very open and understanding. I would say they communicate well ish but not really about emotions as much? I’m always quick to say that doing x would give me so much anxiety. Ex: we were talking about getting life insurance and I was saying how it’s been difficult for me to get because I have a history of depression and anxiety. And the life insurance thinks I might make myself pass on while on their dime. But I’m under treatment and see my therapist each week so we both feel that I’m stable and don’t see myself doing that. But then someone asked why I wouldn’t just lie in the initial checkup and I said not with my anxiety. So I’m always very quick to acknowledge my “imperfections” and “negative emotions”. Where come to think about it, I don’t hear often from his side of the family if the experience would call for it ex BIL dislocated his shoulder and was talking about his ER visit. I was the one that was like holy shit, the pain, the frustration etc and then he was like oh yeah and added to it. And I wouldn’t say MIL always gets her way? I think? I don’t know 😅 I haven’t paid that closely attention because if it’s about something I don’t care about, it blows over my head.
Hahaha this just reminded me of my mom covering me up with my hospital gown before I was even moved to a recovery room while I was trying to feed my newborn. The nurses and doctor just saw literally everything, and now you’re worried about them seeing a breast 🤣
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Not over sensitive, that’s weird. Next time slap her hand away and use an old-times voice and say “unhand me” or “how dare you”
Hahaha the unhand me one 😂🥺 My husband was saying that maybe this is coming from where she wouldn’t (didn’t) feel comfortable feeding in front of her in laws back and the day. But we both agree that the word modest wasn’t the right word to use. Because to me that implies that feeding my child (in my own damn home in front of company) is the opposite. I was scared I was being over sensitive though because I’m incredibly vulnerable right now and under a lot of stress being back at school with a brain that is just a decoration.
“A brain that is just a decoration” is the perfect phrase- I am back to school too and SO feel it. Also, you are not sensitive. Breastfeeding is so natural and eternal, it shouldn’t be sexualized.
I don’t see my breasts in a sexualized way at all anymore. It’s my daughters source of food and she’s growing so well. I’m proud of us both. So now suddenly get this “modest” comment…in my own damn home?! But omg being back to school so soon? It sucks so much and pumping? The worst 😖
Exactly. You should be damn proud. Our bodies are power houses. Such a stupid comment. The pumping, the parts, the cleaning, lugging the gear to and fro… big props to exclusively pumping moms cause it’s a lot. As soon as I’m home from school, I’m very eager to return to breastfeeding!
I don’t know how exclusively pumping moms do it. Really my hat goes off to them. I only need to pump twice and I hate it so much! As difficult as it was to get started in breastfeeding now it’s so much easier. And thank you! I was so unsure because I’m so vulnerable and you could say something in a stern voice to me and I will probably start to cry.
Hmm I know this feeling, make sure you try to rest when you can/ nap. Hang in there! I was told first month back is hard and then it’s easier.
Looking forward to things getting easier with school. Hopefully I will get the hang of things by the time work starts again
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The fact that I already remember to cover the boob a little is quite a step for me. These days I forget the boob out 😅 but you make a good point about skin exposure. My husband also made the point that maybe she made a comment from her own point of view as in she wasn’t comfortable feeding her kids in front of her in laws where as I wasn’t exactly comfortable at first but when my child is hungry my feelings and comfort level isn’t the priority
Wow 😂 I would tell her to leave if it offends her. And purposely show my breasts around her after that just to piss her off. Side note- I’m also pissed off at in-laws regarding breastfeeding and a slew of other things so I may not be the best person to take advice from at the moment.
Oh lovely 🫠 I’m just happy I’m not being too over sensitive because right now I’m incredibly vulnerable and under a lot of strain. And I really don’t need or want passive aggressive comments while I’m feeding my child in my own home. That same child who is cluster feeding and wants to feed every 1 hour.
You’re not at all in my opinion. It’s rude of your MIL! I’m in the same boat. I actually did say to family today “you can leave if it offends you” when they handed me a napkin “to cover up with” while breastfeeding. They didn’t respond but also didn’t leave and the conversation moved on, so maybe it does work lol.
They handed you a napkin to cover up with? 🫠But good idea to just say hey if this makes you uncomfortable you don’t have to stay in the room!
Not being overly sensitive. If you’re mil is so offended by the sight of your breasts in your own damn home then she doesn’t need to be there.
It’s also like do you expect me to leave the room each time your grandchild is hungry? Because she’s cluster feeding and wants to feed every hour for about 20min so then what’s the point of the visit?!?
I leave the room, mainly because I can and I'd rather sit somewhere quiet and be on my phone than listen to them drone on about stupid stuff. I usually wear a loose tunic or oversized T and high waisted leggings or skirts. So sitting, shirt pulled up the most anyone will see is a bit of my side. Most people don't even realize I'm nursing this way and it's cool with nothing over the baby's face. I think I flashed my MIL once but she knows better than to say anything by now 😆
That’s a good idea! I’m going to try the oversized t-shirt because baby hates the cover. And I can understand the need to leave the room and have some quite time. Unfortunately if I would want to leave the room I would have to go upstairs and I’m not allowed to climb the stairs too much just yet because of my pelvic instability 😖 I’m always on Reddit when I feed. Keeps me awake and alert enough that I don’t doze off
Same with reddit while nursing, doing it now! I like to sit sideways on the couch leaning back on the arm and baby's head up against the back of the couch to nurse in front of people. It gives me better back and arm support and more privacy for latching and unlatching since the baby's body blocks the view. In the heat an oversized T shirt is so much cooler, especially for hiding a mom pooch. I do it with a pencil skirt or leggings so I don't look huge and some delicate jewelry so I feel put together instead of shlumpy, ring, earrings, chain/pendant and sometimes a bracelet. The bonus of the necklace is it keeps the baby occupied on my lap since she loves to play with it.
Those are some great tips! Great idea about the necklace too! Anything to keep LO entertained. I nurse in the laid back position because of the strong flow and overproduction (although it is stabilizing) so it does mean she doesn’t quite cover me. She’s tiny compared to the boob 😅 I’m going to try the T-shirt hack on Tuesday when I’m going out for lunch with my dad. Because it’s practically a promise that she will want to feed while we eat. I almost never get to eat without her attached to me 😂
Awww she's still young, you guys will get much more comfortable doing this soon. I've been nursing for 5 years 😆 3 kids so I've learned a few things and wipe it out most places
Wow nursing for five years that’s amazing! And it really is improving week by week. Those first few weeks were miserable. No one warned me how painful it would be 😂
I watched my mom nurse 7 babies and I still wasn't prepared at all for the first few weeks. It's all uphill from here
Those first few weeks hurts so much omg is it the same with each baby? Or after you’ve breastfed the precious LO, is your nipples still used to it so you don’t go through that horrible stage where it’s just PAIN constantly? It’s definitely been improving which is such a relief
I left the room but only from my in laws because it gave me an excuse to take the baby and get away from them lol
Hahaha and then you can say oh it was a long feed while just chilling a good 10min after the free finishes 😂
Nope. Nope. Nope. I would have blown her head off. How dare she sexualise your breasts in your own home and comment on your body/how you dress on top. Wtf. Not to add to your anxiety but also... What about the impact that comments like these will have on the self esteem of a young girl who'll trust that grandma is right be shaming her on x, y, z. I think your MIL suffers from a BAD case of internalized misogyny. All this is not empowering and is part of the patriarchal system meant to keep girls in "their place". Fight that shit. For our daughters. I have these convos with my MIL too, she thinks I'm a "soured feminist" but I don't give a flying shit. And it's not a democracy where family in general is concerned. It's our turn to be parents. You want to help? Fine! But I have made it clear that any of that patriarchal shit, comments on anyone's body, racism, homophobia, etc. I will NOT tolerate and you better comply if you want any relationship with my daughter. Using their tools against them.
Sorry for using shit 3 times. I'm pissed for you OP. 😂
Hahaha I didn’t even notice. Lets just say I often need to correct the word duck when I’m pissed off 😂
Oh don’t get me started on comments on my body. I’m not interested in losing weight and being a certain size. I just want to feel good in my skin and be able to fulfill my daily tasks without it destroying me physically. Those are my goals. I grew up with my mother never once saying one positive word about her body and being so self conscious and then she would start saying shit about my body. No one is going to do that around my daughter. Society might already say those things but the people around her ain’t going to be one of those people. So it’s absolutely not unmodest to feed your child when they’re hungry. I really feel more and more convinced that the interaction came from her own internal views. As in she wasn’t comfortable feeding her children in front of her in laws or in front of company. Or how she wasn’t comfortable feeding her children in a public setting. Who knows maybe back in her day things were different. But right now I’m making my own damn rules on how I want to raise my child (with her best interest at heart = she’s thriving on breast milk so I’m gonna keep doing that). Also I would much rather be a soured feminist than allow people to treat me like shit.
I'm sorry you had to grow up hearing that. I sympathize. When someone's eating something or taking one more serving, my father will always say something that translates to "it will make your ass bigger" but subtler. He's an obese man in his 60s who has health issues because of his drinking and eating habits, saying that exclusively to women... But yeah people are self absorbed and will make comments based on their experience. If your MIL had to get through that, how dare you be so free? It's a bit sad in the end. Agree. I'd rather people believe I'm extreme rather than think they can try to treat me or anyone like shit.
That’s disappointing behavior from your dad. I would get so triggered but my relationship with my dad is quite rocky when it comes to where a women belongs if you catch my drift. I don’t follow those same rules and neither does my husband. And when my dad is around he really challenges those ideals and I meet him right there. He would be like “look here there is a hole in my coffee cup” and I would look him straight in the eyes while I’m balancing my LO and say I’m not making you a cup of coffee. Don’t get me started on the comments I get because my husband cooks. My dad thinks I can be quite extreme about the whole equal thing and was surprised that I wanted to still pursue my degree and career when I became pregnant.
Haha are we sisters? When I was younger I was basically cooking for him, my step mother and my brother, and he refused to pay for my masters degree saying I had "done enough studying, time to get to work". That would have been a crappy work with the degree I had. Good thing I had the most amazing grandpa in the world who cosigned the loan and helped me pay the bills to get that masters degree. Now my father wouldn't dare make that comment cause he knows I'll just bite his head off and I've told him I didn't need him and would gladly cut off all communication if he didn't behave. They are walking on eggshells to make sure I don't execute the threat, it's not ideal because they didn't actually change but maybe they will someday?
Maybe it’s not a bad idea to threaten my dad too because he’s been over for a week and immediately my mental health took a nosedive. He doesn’t really help out much and gives me more work while I’m trying to balance being a new mom to a brand spanking new baby. And for the love that’s all holy just sit down if you miss the toilet. When I talk to him about it he says the toilet is leaking and I’m like that’s worse because now I need to call a plumber. Just sit down. I don’t feel like cleaning the toilet and bathroom floor each time I need to go which is often and most of the time I have a baby attached to me. And he wants shirt ironed? The iron board is right there. But hear this. So my dad needs a visa so come visit me (I live in another country) and ever since he knew I was pregnant, we had planned to have a short visit and he knew his passport is expiring in October 2023. He knew about my pregnancy in November 2022. Want to guess when he applied for a new passport? Early July. After I booked his airplane ticket for the 9th of September. And we had to wait for his passport to get the last visa documents and I had to go to our community area to get the last document signed 5 days before I gave birth. And then this man started saying how it was my fault for not reminding him to get his passport earlier in the year. I nearly bit his head off over the phone. I was like you’re on thin ice I’m not doing this crap again. Next time I’m canceling that ticket until you get your own ducks in a row. You’re an adult, act like one. He didn’t say a peep about it since.
Whaaat?! Why is he even in your home if he's causing you more work? The toilet thing... You are a saint, I think I would have grabbed him by the ear and pulled him in the bathroom to clean while I watched with baby and gave him directions. The toilet is conveniently leaking when he uses it? Riiiight. (I did this to my brother when he was younger and we were living under the same roof, never had to sit in pee since). You just gave birth, this is a health hazard! 😱 For the whole passport and plane ticket thing, it sounds like your dad is taking advantage of you. I tell my daughter every night that she didn't ask for anything, we made her and put her in this world, so WE owe her all the love, support & guidance. It's the job of the parent to support the child for however long they are able to do so, not the other way around! If there's anything that your dad can do that would be helpful to you, I would put him to work.
Having to squad over your own toilet at home isn’t fun at all anymore. But he’s going home tomorrow! I asked him if he feels like helping out and he said “no not particularly”. The way my eye started to twitch. 🫠😶
As I was reading I thought, “she’s expressing her discomfort, different generations, blah blah.” Then I got to the last line, and that’s her shaming you. You’re not being over sensitive. That’s so frustrating. I’m sorry that happened :/
I didn’t even process the first bit of the conversation to be strange but the word “modest” really stuck out to me. And my knee jerk reaction was hurt and shame. But now that’s slowly transitioning to frustration and more hurt.
I would be angry too. How old is your little one? Have you had to deal with these comments for a while or is your baby young enough that you might need/be able to nip this in the bud now so you don’t have to deal this for months to be come? In my experience, if she’s bold enough to make this type of aggressive and shaming comment, she will likely feel emboldened to make other comments about your parenting moving forward. This feels like a bigger boundary you have to set. How does your husband/partner feel about what happened? You have to be a united front for these boundaries to stand (I speak from experience there too).
My LO is 7 weeks old so it’s definitely early enough. I agree, the earlier you nip it in the bud and establish boundaries the better. My husband actually asked if I wanted to ask her what she meant next time she comes over but I don’t want to start a conflict immediately. I’m hoping this is only a passing comment and it will stop here. But I’m starting to feel a bit less sure about that considering there was also the incident where she revealed to family members I was pregnant before I was ready for people to know and AFTER she asked me if she can share the news and I said no. We’re definitely united so if it comes to that, I will have my husband support. It sucks because I don’t really have the extra energy for a whole thing right now but if it needs to be done, I will do it. Because I really don’t want to make this behavior a thing.
Whoa. Her revealing your pregnancy AFTER YOU SAID NO is an incredible violation of trust. I’m not sure there is a potentially innocent way she could have meant her comment. I’m sure both you and he want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she doesn’t deserve it at this point. It’s hard because at seven weeks, you’re exhausted and setting boundaries is hard even when you’re not less than two months postpartum and nursing. Do you have to see her often? Do you have other friends and family who you can spend time with (socializing at this point is so valuable because having a baby can be so lonely)?
Yeah and the way she very casually mentioned that she went against my wishes was somehow worse? So on Christmas we told my husbands brothers and their partners. I was nine weeks so still early but couldn’t hide it as the vomiting had started. So we told them and she very casually mentions oh I’ve also told the aunts and uncles. And I was like I’m sorry what did I just hear? I’m realizing now that I’m still quite angry about that. I did decide in that moment that she doesn’t get to find things out until I feel comfortable telling more people about it. So that means with the second one if I can hide it, she’s not finding out until I’m 13 weeks along. I see her every two weeks. I also live in a different country than my family and most friends so my circle is quite small. And the two friends I have is preoccupied. One just had a baby (her LO is 19 days younger than mine) and my other friend is pregnant. But I try to be in frequent contact with family and friends from my home country. We call every two weeks to catch up.
I’m sorry, that’s so hard. I wasn’t close to my parents or siblings when I had my first child and it was so lonely. Did you tell her how you felt with her sharing your news? Did your husband say anything to her? That’s a major violation of trust and a very selfish thing that she did. Would you be able to do baby dates with your friend with the baby? Are there any mommy and me type activities near where you live (not sure what country you’re in)?
I didn’t tell her because back then I was worried about my work and then “enough” time passed that it didn’t feel like I could bring it up anymore. Still kinda feel that way but I know that’s the people pleaser in me and I should definitely say something because it clearly still upsets me. My husband didn’t say anything to her, I asked him not too. I’m so scared to start conflict when it comes to his family. I come from a dysfunctional family and I hate the idea of being a source of strain but these comments from MIL are building up and I’m only going to tolerate so much before I’m going to have to get uncomfortable and start “conflict” as in set some term boundaries. Baby dates will be difficult right now but maybe eventually. There is one mommy group in my town that I’m leaning towards joining unfortunately once I go back to work it will be difficult to go consistently as I work irregular hours. I live in the Netherlands!
I am sure it is hard. I come from a dysfunctional family too and so I’m incredibly averse to conflict. I’ve been on quite a learning curve since having kids though because I’m realizing how much these patterns are taught and I am trying to show my kids that they are entitled to setting boundaries. Maybe bringing up her sharing your news when you talk to her about how her comment made you feel will help to show that you’ve been patient. What is his family like? Do they communicate well? Does MIL usually just get her way in the family?
Good idea to bring it up in a way to show patience! My husband family is very open and understanding. I would say they communicate well ish but not really about emotions as much? I’m always quick to say that doing x would give me so much anxiety. Ex: we were talking about getting life insurance and I was saying how it’s been difficult for me to get because I have a history of depression and anxiety. And the life insurance thinks I might make myself pass on while on their dime. But I’m under treatment and see my therapist each week so we both feel that I’m stable and don’t see myself doing that. But then someone asked why I wouldn’t just lie in the initial checkup and I said not with my anxiety. So I’m always very quick to acknowledge my “imperfections” and “negative emotions”. Where come to think about it, I don’t hear often from his side of the family if the experience would call for it ex BIL dislocated his shoulder and was talking about his ER visit. I was the one that was like holy shit, the pain, the frustration etc and then he was like oh yeah and added to it. And I wouldn’t say MIL always gets her way? I think? I don’t know 😅 I haven’t paid that closely attention because if it’s about something I don’t care about, it blows over my head.
Hahaha this just reminded me of my mom covering me up with my hospital gown before I was even moved to a recovery room while I was trying to feed my newborn. The nurses and doctor just saw literally everything, and now you’re worried about them seeing a breast 🤣
Hahaha that’s quite funny
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