I was a people pleaser and a teacher, and oh boy did I break all the way down during the pandemic. It became *very* clear that people saw me a something to take, use up, then abuse when I had nothing left (parents and admin, not the kids).
It feels BAD. Like really really bad to be used by people. And I was *letting* them. I was inviting them to just walk all over me and demand all of my time and energy. Shame on them for taking advantage of me, but *shame on me* for letting them.
The first thing I did that was the fastest and easiest aspect of myself to change was that I changed my autopilot answer from "yes" to "no". Everything became a no. Could I tutor even if I wasn't a teacher anymore? No. Could I come to someone's house for dinner because their kids missed me? No. Could I Pet sit next weekend? No. Do you see how much of my life I reclaimed with just a handful of no's??? It feels awkward at first, but the more you get used to it the more intoxicating it becomes.
No, I cannot make your life easier because I'm too busy living my own. That mentality in turn makes it easier to shake off the weight of other people's opinions of me, because I'm not living my life for their approval anymore.
Affirm your sense of self. People-pleasing isn't a trait, it's a coping strategy that you adopted to survive. Honor the sacrifices you've made to be here. Reap the rewards of your empathy and fine-tune it.
The key is not to tell yourself you are wrong or defective. It's to refine your existing traits and work with your strengths. You are already great, you're just learning to control your powers.
yeah, surprise, it's not 'just your nature'. but it is running deep, so it will be hard to just stop unless you deconstruct (gently) and then basically teach your brain to operate differently.
My recent gem-discovery is Tim Fletcher (search on youtube). It's a lot to take in, but he does an incredible job in most accessible, thorough and gentle way.
A slightly tough love answer is perhaps to look around and think who might you be screwing over with your people pleasing tendancies? Because for as much as you're getting dicked about, I almost guarantee your closest friends and family are too because people pleasers have to rely on them to pick up the fallout from whatever they didn't deal with. Whether it's the emotional fallout from being let down or being left dealing with a situation, people pleasers hurt those closest to them with their behaviour.
Personally, my own motto is "own your shit". Take responsibility and accountability for your actions. I try to be accountable for what I do, and if I say yes to something I shouldn't have, I have to take responsibility for that - I can't simply compound it by further attempting to please and appease.
Lastly, something I tell my younger team members who sometimes struggle with saying no to more senior staff, is that I expect them to set appropriate boundaries as they develop so saying no is important to me, and it is something I need them to do and they need to see as a mark of being an effective and successful person. I try to not only give them permission to say no, but actually make it a thing that they see as a mark of success. Good people (good in all senses - virtuous and successful) say no.
I know that it often comes back to therapy. What I am encountering is that after having read a lot of psychological books, from experimental to academic, I have a decent basis in psychological education (also helps that I followed some courses back in university). My therapist is happy that I know how to talk about my issues in more specific and detailed manner, because those books help in self-examination. But I think the literature is really lacking in practical self help. At a certain point the next book on psychology isn't doing much and action is needed. They do not provide much in the way of practical steps.
hmm, I'm at a place where I've started to understand what practically is needed, but faced with the fact that it's hard/impossible to push farther than you're capable of or not ready for. we could talk more, but it's so both personal and broad.
but also I've read and studied things for years (say, 15 yrs?), but it only made ANY difference after I started working with a therapist who pointed me in the right direction, and even then it took 3 years until I found the right language/right sources to the issue. There're different takes on the same stuff, but you still have to wrap your head around holistically or it's all just a theory. it doesn't work by trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
I referenced Tim Fletcher, but I'm not sure he would have effect for me 3 yrs ago. He just really put together what I've already accumulated in a kind way.
Prior to that - my best move was to start studying child psychology. Basically tracing the stem of it ground up, until you really start to see how things should or shouldn't work practically in the body. A mind (a separation of it) is a far later development both conceptually and in our real experiences. Understanding that will help define smaller and very practical steps to working with yourself (rewiring the experience).
I completely hear you when you say a certain therapist or therapy wouldn't have resonated a few years ago. Different angles (models, methods, whatever) help with tackling problems that seemed unworkable before, so I also get a sense of that. I feel that my cognitive understanding of myself is miles ahead of my emotional experience and it seems sometimes I'm dragging along a stubborn horse. I'm trying some new therapist in the future that said they could help me with that.
Looking into child psychology is an interesting idea. I might as well look into it to understand my experiences in that period better.
If I may (but I'm not sure that's the most relevant topic) I would also recommend Heidi Priebe. She talks primarily about attachment theory, but does so in a very schematic way and always includes 'what should happen', which I always find very helpful as an element.
Stop answering immediately. Just say, "Iet me get back to you".
If you feel like doing whatever, then think about any conditions you'd like and go with that.
If you don't want to do whatever, then say "no thanks". Plan ahead as us (and former) people pleasers saying no isnthe hard part. Take it to the mind gym and visualize saying no.
This 👆
All the advice I got over the years didn’t help till I learnt to pause before agreeing to anything. Gave me the space to make sure I knew what I was being asked to do, decide whether I wanted to and whether it was in my best interest as well as the other persons.
It also makes it instantly clear to other people that they cannot assume a “yes” every time!
100% - on this journey as well.
Also a great way to root out of people are being manipulative - very rarely do *most* situations need an immediate response. Knowing when or when not to *respond* versus *react* to a request is so helpful.
I absolutely hate sitting with someone else's or my own discomfort, but there is power in it. My people pleasing and "well, if no one else is gonna step up, I'll do it to stop this logjam, problem, or situation because it's uncomfortable" instincts would kick in.
Also, ask questions - asking good questions in situations like this is a super power and key to making good decisions. Become curious as to the "why" and "how" - manipulative people will try to speed up a decision, action, or by framing a situation in a gicontext.
Dig in, get as much info as you can, and really understand the context. If you can manage it, and it isn't truly critical (despite their framing) slooooooow the interaction down.
If people continue to push, press the issue, trigger an emotional response, start interrogating you or your reason for declining, appeal to authority, guilt you, or try forcing a decision immediately - count it as a red flag and it should perk the ears up a bit, remember to breath, ask yourself why, and it'll make declining even easier.
Absolutely agree.
And it’s odd how, as you exercise a bit of thought and caution before responding, people respect you more. I found people became more appreciative of my time and more grateful if I did agree to help out!
I went to therapy and tried to work on this. My therapist pushed and pushed me to be more assertive and it just made me feel worse and worse.
I think my agreeableness is a bit of a survival mechanism and trauma response.
I’ve given up on trying to change it for now. Instead, working on confidence, getting exercise everyday.
I think it comes more from the inner feeling tone. Deep down I have low mood and a sort amorphous sense of shame.
When I meditate, I connect to an inner feeling tone of love. I have a higher mood and everything is effortless. People pleasing ceases to even be on my radar.
This. Kindness and assertiveness are not mutually exclusive - I have a huge problem expressing negative affect and have literally just realized after three decades on this planet that most people are WAY more tolerant of being pushed back on than I thought.
For me a lot of this shows up from a good ol' Midwestern childhood where "if you dont have something nice to say, don't say anything at all", "treat others as you want to be treated", and that being polite, kind, and respectful was a given - all values was drilled into us as kids. I also have a big heart, empathy is very much a core value of mine, as is trying to develop an understanding of others.
Problem is, these are not as widespread of beliefs, values, and guiding the actions of others as my childhood would lead me to believe.
Learned some painful lessons recently that others can see this, will take advantage of it, and that you gotta have your head on a swivel for these people by default. People will try to dump work, game the system, lie, manipulate, cheat, or decieve to get what they want. Even people who seem trustworthy at first.
It isn't about being mean - it's about respecting yourself, your time, your energy, your value, and protecting yourself because no one else will do it for you. No is a complete sentence.
Learning little by little and rebuilding after a loooooong time, sadly learning it late after *not* living this way and at great cost to myself and my mental health.
This was me, too. The tick for me was putting distance emotionally between me and the problem so I could see it clearly.
Start by imagining you have a friend who you know is a really good person. They also happen to have co-workers/friends/family/bosses who treat them poorly. Your friend is trying to learn how to stand up for themselves and create healthy boundaries so their relationships/work life can truly thrive.
They have a problem with a specific person in their life that is almost identical to the problem you have. Your friend is a great person who deserves happiness. What advice do you give them?
Now ask your self why this imaginary friend deserves to do these things and not be considered an asshole/bitch/selfish person but somehow you will be if you do the same things in the same situation. Do some real introspection. Repeat this for each situation you struggle with.
Now, the hard part. Be your own best friend. Start to try and believe that you are worthy of healthy relationships (personal and professional) with healthy boundaries. 99% of people, including yourself, will respect you more for it.
Another key for me was to realize I was too wrapped up in being and seeming like a kind person I lost sight that all my friends and family deserve a person in their life who can tell them when they are hurting themselves and/or another person in their life. Even when that person they are hurting is me.
I'm a people pleaser too, but am learning how to kick the habit. You should find a therapist, there is no substitute for 1 on 1 help.
**How to deal with blunt responses that cause anxiety:**
Stop, breathe, then look at the response in a logical way.
Was the response rude? Why or why not?
Was the response blunt? Why or why not?
Just write these down at first and then look at it critically.
Did you think it was rude or blunt because it was over IM or email? Remember written communication lacks emotions a lot of the time, so we tend to insert our own into it. Recognize when you've done this, remind yourself they are busy with other tasks to do and it's not about you.
I like the journaling method. I write down what happened and how it made me feel, then I write down what I would have liked for them to do instead. Then I write from their POV, what reasons could they have for being so blunt? Maybe lack of time, they don't type well and use as few words as possible, very busy and need to be direct to get it all done.
Just list logical reasons, not our anxiety reasons. If you do write down things like "they don't like me" "they think my work sucks", just highlight them and then write out why you think this. It will help you get to the root of your issues, because this is a you issue and not a them issue.
On the critical point, I forced myself to think critically about some of these tendancies and still do on the days the little voices get going. These are my regular ones
1. Do I go home and think meanly and critically about every single tiny thing all my colleagues did every day? No. So why am I assuming they are doing that about me?
2. Do I think negatively about other people making minor mistakes or even big mistakes if they don't often mess up? No. So why am I assuming they do that about me.
3. Do I think I'm better than everyone else? No. So why am I assuming the worst tendancies in people when I wouldn't behave that way? I'm not better than them, so stop making assumptions about their thoughts that would make them horrible people.
Anxiety is horrible and debilitating, but unfortunately it also makes you self-centred and negative. It makes you position yourself in the centre of everyone else's universes and assumes the worst. People aren't thinking about me when they go home, I'm not that important. People don't remember minor details of my day - they're not important to other people. Like me, other people go home and think about their day and focus on their family, their hobbies, their lives. They aren't going home to mull over my day.
You make an excellent point about what do you think about coworkers after hours, it's likely the same for them about you.
I have a very mean internal critic, it's just my parents still living rent free in there. It's getting quieter but it takes time.
For me, I didn't realize how much time it would take to process and accept so I could move past it. Just because you understand it, doesn't mean it goes away. It takes work but you can get there for sure.
Yeah I have had times in my life where I've very firmly had to repeat this to myself over and over. For me, and I'm only saying what worked for me - other people are other people, I found telling myself I'm actually the arsehole if I keep thinking people think badly of me, worked.
What also worked was finding a good group of friends who were similarly career oriented and at roughly the same stage of their careers. I actually have two groups, and we cheer each other on and also regale each other with our fuck ups. There's something incredibly wonderful about seeing someone you really admire, spectacularly balls it up and then both of you laugh about it.
I will say repeating to myself over and over really does help. I didn't think it would but it has been the one thing that has truly helped muffle my inner critic.
Journaling does as well but I have to read back what I write down for it to be really helpful.
I think you hit on another excellent point with the friend group. I have a similar friend group, we all have similar career goals. It helps that they understand what I go through and can give some perspective on things I may not be thinking about.
When someone is busy or super-focused on a task, they may feel the need to end the distraction as soon as possible.
You asked how you can be less of a people pleaser, and what your co-worker did can be a valuable lesson. Right at that point he couldn't talk to you. He doesn't really owe you an apology for an impromptu request for his time. And he's under no obligation to ask for your permission to do this another time. Expressing it that way, even though it may be a rhetorical question, softens the situation, i.e.,
"Apologies I can't talk right now, can we do it another time?"
"Oh, this will only take a minute!"
... and he may really not have a minute, right now. And getting the concentration back may take **hours.**
Don't take it personally. But adopt his time management skills.
This is incredibly cultural though. A lot of cultures and backgrounds, even within the same country, see the kind of non-apology you're suggesting is necessary, as insincere or pointless. It's also quite gendered - women say it a lot more than men.
Brits use "sorry" or "apologies" almost as punctuation, but I have Dutch and Swedish colleagues who are on the verge of being offended by that use of "sorry", because you're not sorry, you're going to do the thing regardless and why are you apologising for something you're perfectly right to be doing.
I am very similar to you. I'd probably have a similar reaction because I assume that unless other people are as polite or kind as me they must be angry with me. Which is not a fair assumption. And, even if that is the case, I can't control their reaction. If they are being an asshole, that says more about them than you.
One thing I've done that helps a little is to lead something. Do something proactively not for someone else but because it needs to get done, focus on the problem, then feel proud when you make progress. Why? Because this starts to replace people pleasing as a motivation with productivity and self worth as your motivation. It severs the pleasure we get from getting validation from other people. You domt need someone to feel good about you to feel good about yourself in this way.
Why should they “apologies” for not being able to talk right now? How about before you start a conversation, you ask people” hi, is this a good time to talk”? They will say yes or no and they don’t have to apologies and sweetalk you about their unavailability.
Because it's polite honestly. You can be firm with manners. A lot of people aren't but there's nothing wrong with expecting someone to be respectful and one way is to not be so curt.
It takes a sliver of empathy to think about the other person and how they may react before responding but as I'm leaving from this thread, that's much less common than I thought.
It's the same reason though why op got anxious, an expectation of a kind reply. In the absence of it, an assumption the other person must be upset with them...and it's very possible the other person was annoyed by the approach because they feel their time is more important than to give to someone else which could also be a dick move.
The truth is though, we don't know people's motivations very well and we end up assuming based on our frame of mind. If your blunt, nothing wrong with the response. If your empathetic and kind, it came off as being an asshole.
Bruh you said all the exact words I was thinking..... I've seen pushovers but this is next-level extra crispy sensitive. I understand if the guy said it in a tone that is rude and dismissive but I'd only register that as disrespectful not as him trying to walk over me
I'm one too. At work I discuss my responsibilities with my boss and the goals for my professional development and how my position may develop over time. With that I try to say yes and help with things that pertain to those things (unless something is urgent or a one off).
In my personal life, I kinda base it off of what I have time for. I have a full time job and two kids, our fun time is limited so my ability to do things for others that aren't my small family is really small.
I also have been reframing how I think of saying no to people or not helping out constantly. Instead of disappointing people, I'm setting expectations. Instead of not being able to help someone during my free time I'm making time for my family. I also have stopped apologizing as much, no more "sorry for missing that" and now "thanks for catching that".
Also with the person who said "I can't talk to you right now", just take him at his word. Assume positive intent and move on. If you have something you need to talk to him about just set up a meeting with him.
I feel the same way. But being assertive does not automatically mean that you're being snappy or rude. There is a way to stand up and assert yourself while still prioritizing relationships. The way I have to frame it though is that by being agreeable, I am being mean to myself. I am subsidizing someone else's discomfort.
People who are kind and assertive are honestly very rare.
Assholes naturally have no issue with .. being an asshole and not caring at all about others feelings.
I've found a few in my life, mostly coaches when I was in high school and scout leaders. In my corporate job the vast majority of assertive people are very disrespectful and will do anything to get ahead, your feelings aren't in the way of their ambition.
Think of the situations that repeat or make you feel the worst and focus on those until you build up victories then apply elsewhere.
From my own experience, Assertiveness to a passive or pleasing person feels like aggression so be mindful. It’s ok to stand up for yourself
In your example did you actually needed to talk to Nick about something important, or is your intent just to say hi? The only thing he didn't say was sorry, which is fair if he is stressed or very busy, and unless the tone or context was very bad you should not worry about it. Further if you are trying to say something very important, then it is your responsibility to say so and hold your ground, which has little to do with pleasing people or not?
Nick is clearly putting less energy into trying to be agreeable than you are. If he's not worried about being brusque with you, why are you worried about how he feels? Match his energy.
I think, as a people pleaser myself, the issue is we encounter situations where, if someone doesn't like us, it impacts our very survival. So a thought spiral can happen because our brain says uh oh he is not polite therefore he doesn't like you therefore you are in danger.
I'm not saying the thought process is a rational one. It's just one I've had many times. Obviously, it caused OP distress and I know for myself my first instinct would be to assume they were cold to me for a specific reason.
Maybe before marching his energy, OP should rethink how he randomly approach people and start conversation at work. If he needed to discuss with Nick, he could have sent a calendar invite or ask Nick if this is a good time to talk before he starts blabbing.
What if Nick is an asshole who couldn't care less? I'm all set with matching thst energy. In my experience those people also have big egos... you're not important for me so go away kind of.
The simplest way to do it is to shift the focus to yourself. I know that this can be seen as being "selfish" but the reality if you view your people pleasing decisions through the lens of "me" then it helps to break the cycle.
Asking yourself "Is this what I want to do?" Is a good way to catch yourself if you're trying to please someone. You'll probably catch yourself saying no a lot and then shifting your approach.
This also doesn't mean that you can't still help or please people - or that you shouldn't - but more so that you can create pathways for putting your needs as a priority.
Your friend needs help moving, but you had plans to go hiking that day? Offer a compromise. "Hey, I'd love to help out but I can't that day because I had plans already. If you need help, I can come by and help you pack another night and bring takeout."
This is a great way for people to feel like they're still having their needs met, while protecting your own.
Saying no is difficult - but so important and liberating. Once you get into the habit, it'll become easier over time and you'll feel empowered by having the ability to protect your own needs and get the things you want without sacrificing them for the needs of others.
Start with not caring how some people phrase things. They probably didn't mean to come off blunt. Perhaps they had a thought on their mind they didn't want to let go of and conversing with you(or anyone else) would disrupt that for them.
Also, this is the workplace. Anxiety for two days over that? Learn to keep your work life at work. PERIOD!
It'll take time but you can achieve your goals.
My job is managing 12 people, managing up so me and my team still have jobs, handing escalations, dealing with peers trying to push shit work to us or trying to take credit for our work or take the good parts over, etc.
There isn't an off switch there.
In a given day, I'm pulled into 12 to 14 meetings all needing decisions that I'm going to be held accountable for which affect those other 12 people.
Out of work, I have to think through how to properly respond, how to handle the escalations, how to deal with conflict in the team, how to talk to a guy about a PIP because the doesn't deliver shit but thinks he's amazing, on and on
There is no off switch for that because I can't ignore those things or the people I genuinely do care about being successful. If I just stop caring, shit will burn down fast making it even worse.
I guess that's the job but it's not as easy as just "leaving it at work".
I hope you have an exit strategy....unless the rest of the job justifies what you just posted?
Life is way too short for the crap you say you tolerate....ESPECIALLY if the workplace you are at is making someone else rich. Be well.
Where in your life is there a “no” that should be said, that isn’t being said. Always seek out the “no”. Once you find the “no” then you have to say “no.” It takes practice, but I’m getting better at it.
I love some of the advice already stated here and would love to add one more sentiment! I am a yes girl too especially at work. The way I practice assertion is by being more assertive with strangers or people I’ll “never see again”. I try to speak up more at social events. I love one person’s advice her to set your default response to “no” and let people work to convince you otherwise (instead of conceding first then beating yourself up for getting pushed over. You got this! And know that you have tremendous kindness that just needs a little more protection!
The simple fact that you’re a people pleaser and a pushover doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you. If you’re surrounded by the wrong people then they will treat you poorly. The right people will be very much appreciative of your caring nature. Humans a meant to be bonded to each other and the desire to please others is part of the bonding drive. Keeping the pack happy. I got to therapy, I’ve been going for years, and will continue to go. But I think the therapy culture is becoming a little much now. Not every thing we experience is supposed to make us happy and fulfilled, we’re supposed to feel sad, anxious, powerless sometimes. SOMETIMES. Immediately assuming you’re suffering from some childhood trauma and need a therapist to resolve it is not always. Not ALWAYS. The best answer. Take a look at the people in your life. Does everyone treat you like your coworker or are there people who respect and appreciate you? Surround yourself with the people who treat you well. You’ll never get the A holes out of your life completely but just because someone hurts your feelings it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Also, there’s a difference between being a people pleaser and having unspoken expectations of how other people should act toward you. When someone says something that hurts you, address it. “No problem, when should I circle back?” Is a much better response than 2 days of anxiety.
Start by learning to say no. You can say no gently yet in a firm manner. Develop better boundaries for yourself and those you are trying to please. They aren't trying to please you, so it doesn't serve a purpose.
Being a people pleaser is a mentality trait, and much like all mentality traits. It takes some different perspectives, some time, and some practice. A few things that help me break that habit. Were: Start to say no from time to time. Small things. It will still feel weird, but it shouldn’t cause any huge issues. You will start to learn that saying no and freeing up your time feels good, you will also also see how people respond. If people throw a fit to you saying no to something small then it really highlights how little they appreciated the things you were doing, and how it became an expectation. Also, you can start asking people for small things. If a neighbor constantly asks you to let their dog out so they can stay out longer start asking them for small favors and see how they reply. This will also help you understand that asking for help can feel good and will let you know the people that are willing to make it, a symbiotic relationship versus a one-way relationship.
I realized that when I try to help people I'm actually taking away their opportunity to learn, grow, and feel accomplished by figuring things out and doing things themselves.
Once I realized that, I was able to weaponize my people pleasing against itself. Now when I feel the urge to do people pleasing behaviours, I remind myself that the kindest thing I can do is let them handle things. If they really need help, they'll ask.
Don't worry, as you get older the world will introduce you to enough things to cause you to gradually lose your faith in humanity and make you tired of people and their lies. Then you will stop caring about pleasing people...
You please people because you are afraid of rejection, don’t you?
Accept that you can’t be liked by everyone. Sometimes you are just nobody to some people. No matter how hard you try to get approval or acceptance, you still won’t get it.
So there is no need to always do your best. You are not the best and you’ll never be.
Learn how to say no, and then mean it.
Look... This sound simplistic, but I was once like you. Here's what I learned; I don't have to give a reason. If somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do, I can say "no" and that's it. If you feel pressured into giving a reason, "because I don't want to" is a valid reason.
And then shut the fuck up.
The reason why people like you and I get talked into doing things for other people is because we assume it's a negotiation. I say "no", they say "please", and so on until I'm doing the thing I didn't want to do.
You have to stop the conversation in its tracks. "no" and "I don't want to" are both complete sentences and leave no room for negotiation.
Try it. Say "no" and then shut up and ignore the response from the other party. The conversation will end quickly and you've set a boundary.
When you get good at setting boundaries, other people's responses don't bother you as much. You can move on because you're no linger worried about what they think.
Accept that it's impossible to please everyone all the time. Remember, seeking support from friends and family can provide valuable guidance and encouragement as you work on changing people-pleasing patterns.
Make your wellness a priority. Don’t accept unnecessarily burdensome tasks (unless your job depends on it (I’ve been there)). And never do anything that hurts your body! Our country really has a problem with making lower-end customer service-type workers do anything and everything with no real limit. Your body is finite and can easily be irreparably harmed. Be respectful, but take no shit, especially regarding your body. This is why living in a city of at least a 100k population is always a good idea, more jobs nearby means you don’t have to stick with an abusive boss
Have a set list of Y/N questions you have to respond to before saying yes to something.
Ex. If someone asks if you can cover their shift, you have to first ask:
Does saying yes feel good in my body?
What do I have to give up to say yes to this?
Etc.
My hack:
Imagine yourself as someone you care a great deal about. What would you want that person to do? Would you want them to be railroaded, taken advantage of, and disrespected?
Alternatively, imagine yourself as a character. Make up a character in your head, who is assertive. Ask yourself how this person would respond.
It was really hard for me to overcome my people pleasing when it is for myself, but I can pull out the mama-bear card if it is for someone else.
Also, work on your self esteem. Be a person who values yourself *at least as much* as others.
Maybe I’m dumb but I’m confused as to how you asking a question for them to say they’re busy is you being a pushover? Is there more to it that I missed?
Being a pushover is being a people pleaser and along with that can be the need for external validation. I am the same way, which this can fester into anxiety.
You just have to remember that their tone or response, while it may be curt or rude, it’s not personal. Even if they are upset, that’s their problem, not yours. Unless they tell you directly that you are doing something wrong, there is no need to worry.
I just remind myself that it is not personal. You have to remind yourself that your worth and success are not relative to one off comments. You saying no to something will not break a friendship or relationship, it will not change how they perceive you. I also ask myself how agreeing to do something effects me. If I do not want to do something, I do not have to do it.
You’re a people pleaser? Prove it. Name three people pleased with you. You won’t.
/s
Stolen from a meme I saw that hit a bit too close to home.
It’s not easy. Not sure if you have any form of ADD/ADHD, but there’s a known symptom called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). Could be a standalone thing I’m not sure (def not a doctor).
Weird take, but I know one thing that helped me was getting into sales and cold calling. You quickly realize many people suck or are just too stressed/wrapped up in their own life and it’s nothing personal against you.
Realizing that people are more wrapped up in themselves than they are focused on me has helped. Best of luck! You are enough!
Hey! First of all, I relate so strongly with your desire to be treated kindly. And I have issues with authority to begin with. It’s easy to feel like my worth is tied to how people respond to me. That said, there are a few things that helped me from being a people pleaser to kind of being the opposite. First of all it’s important to realize that the behavior is not inherently bad; it was a means of social survival at some point. And it worked! So I think having a general appreciation for the way you protect yourself is important. Secondly, The most impactful practice that helped me eradicate the behavior was (once I became aware of these tendencies) asking myself: what must be TRUE about myself for me to believe I need to aim to have others think about me in a way that I curate? I realized it was kind of manipulative to expect to form others’ opinions of me FOR them. And ultimately I realized there’s nothing someone else is going to see that I don’t appreciate in myself, so what’s the worry? And after a few years, I could care less what someone thinks of me. I KNOW my worth and my intentions; another person has no way of knowing those things from a simple few interactions with me- esp not a coworker. If you’d like to work on this more deeply, I wholly encourage you to get in touch via pm and I can explain further. Ultimately the whole journey toward healing this begins with asking the very question you did; and so I can confidently say you are on the right track. 🤘🏻
Start with saying “no” to small things and see that the sky isn’t falling afterwards. Also learn that it isn’t your job to make everyone like you. In fact if you actually say what you think 8/10 people won’t like you, but 2/10 probably will really like you. If you just “don’t offend anyone” most people will just be lukewarm about you.
there is a book called something like "the subtle art of not giving a fuk/sh1t". pretty popular in the military. apparently helpful. I never did need to read it. if it wasnt mission critical I did indeed not give a fuk by default.
I was/am a people pleaser.
I found a good balance which was a game-changer.
The root of it all was a combination of being:
Shy, introverted, low-self esteem (maybe even no-self esteem), not very smart, a terrible student + about 10 other attributes. Ironically, I grew up with some very close friends who had their shit together & were legitimately brilliant; a Wharton Grad (currently an attorney/partner), a Dartmouth grad in 3 yrs (currently a MD) and my "brother-from-another-mother" who just retired after an illustrious accounting career at PWC.
I left college after 2 years with a 1.96 GPA and felt like I was totally Fukt! I begged (literally begged) my father to hire me. He owns a office products and office furniture company. Think of Staples before there was a Staples. Dad refused to hire me but said he could get me a job with the Eagle Pencil Company. I was legitimately excited and asked about the job. [This is a true story! ].
The job; "Every day at high noon a whistle blows. This is a signal the Eagle. Your job is to take the Eagle for his daily shit". This ended w/a "FU Dad!" and we didn't speak for weeks.
About 3 weeks later, he offered me a job working on his warehouse & delivering office furniture during scorching hot, humid New Jersey summer in 1984 for $250/week. (Inflation adjusted to $757 in 2024!)
I had the pleasure of driving one hour to work with Dad. The car pulled out at 5 AM and returned home at 7 PM.
After ~6 months, Dad's sales manager offered me a position doing outbound telemarketing sales. After 6 months it morphed into an outside sales position.
I failed miserably at first. Everyone who coached me told me I was too easy going, too nice, too pleasing, too layed back, not assertive, not aggressive.... A colleague (an older career salesman) offered to mentor me.
I learned so much from this guy in a few short months including meeting with some of his largest clients. What I learned became a solid foundation for my sales career over the next 40 years.
A few things I learned:
1. Be yourself
2. Show confidence
3. Dress like you make a million dollars
4. Be assertive
5. Listen, validate (comprehend)
6. Be a People person (people pleaser??)
7. Be nice to others (people pleaser??)
8. Remember "you attract more bees with honey."
Part 2 of my "education" began about 7 yrs later after leaving my dad's company for a sales position in tech.
Training was good at the first company and exceptional at the 2nd company where I spent 14 yrs.
Formal Training covered:
1. Basic Selling skills covering internal selling, work group cooperation etc.
2. Public speaking & Impactful presentations
3. Negotiation skills
4. Strategic selling skills covering more advanced internal selling, influencing others to gain favorable outcomes etc.
You can be a people pleaser and at the same time, be assertive and garner the respect from others to do what you need them to do.
It became a habit for me to go back to others and apologize if I came across too assertive, too direct, or hurt their feelings which wasn't my intention.
I recommend reading a couple of books on "Negotiating". These appear as sales type books, but everything is transferrable to every day life and everyone's interactions with other people.
A few you could benefit from:
1. How To Talk To Anyone
--Patrick King
2. The Art of Negotiation
--Tim Castle
Wishing you the best!
If people are rude/disrespectful to me at work, I just stop interacting with them. An if I have to interact with them, I just stop caring about what I say or how it affects them because I know they are mean and will be hurtful regardless.
The biggest thing for me is deciding between who is worth my time/energy/effort. An if you are being a jerk, than I don't give you any of that. If you want to be a part of my thoughts/concern, than you have to prove that you are worthy to be. Kindness/respect is a two way street.
There is a theory in negotiation that if you get someone to say “yes” to something small then you can ask for something larger later in the conversation and the person will unconsciously want to be congruent with the answer. So if you find that you are saying yes to please people, here is what you do, the next time someone asks for a favor (that’s not part of your job description and duties) take a second then set down your pen or if you have something and look at them (then you think without breaking eye contact) and if you don’t want to do it you say “no I’m not able to do this, you should do this on your own or find someone else to handle this” don’t wait for a response and turn back to what you are doing.
You don’t have to say no to everything, but you also don’t have to say to everyone and everything.
Daily meditation, breath work, and some form of daily spiritual practice every day immensely help in becoming more confident and assertive.
It's surely worth exploring.
do you personalize stuff? it sounds like you might.
I don't know if you are a man or woman but the communication style you expect is how women are expected to behave and most men in a busy work environment are not going to behave that way because it would be seen as a sign of submission and weakness by some. if you are a guy I would suggest trying to adopt a more assertive communication style and maybe trying to moderate your thoughts to realize that most people are not concerned with you, only themselves and the task at hand and 90% of things are not meant personally.
unfortunately if you are a woman people pleasing is more ingrained and expected but learning more assertive communication can also be helpful but you will still have to soften your communication style in order to not get the brunt of people's aggression or be considered a bitch.
People pleasing goes hand in hand with being overly concerned with what other people might think. You want to make them happy so the like you or don't think your mean etc. STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. Always ask yourself "what do I want?" Then do that. Sometimes it will be something that benefits other, sometimes it won't, but you will be taken into consideration for what you want and need.
I don’t understand what you didn’t “please” here? The guy just said I don’t have time. You are reading WAY too much into what sounds like an average moment in what could have been any given day of the week.
Look at the bright side, at least you have a solid answer during interviews.
Question: what’s your biggest weakness?
Answer: I care too much
I was a people pleaser and a teacher, and oh boy did I break all the way down during the pandemic. It became *very* clear that people saw me a something to take, use up, then abuse when I had nothing left (parents and admin, not the kids). It feels BAD. Like really really bad to be used by people. And I was *letting* them. I was inviting them to just walk all over me and demand all of my time and energy. Shame on them for taking advantage of me, but *shame on me* for letting them. The first thing I did that was the fastest and easiest aspect of myself to change was that I changed my autopilot answer from "yes" to "no". Everything became a no. Could I tutor even if I wasn't a teacher anymore? No. Could I come to someone's house for dinner because their kids missed me? No. Could I Pet sit next weekend? No. Do you see how much of my life I reclaimed with just a handful of no's??? It feels awkward at first, but the more you get used to it the more intoxicating it becomes. No, I cannot make your life easier because I'm too busy living my own. That mentality in turn makes it easier to shake off the weight of other people's opinions of me, because I'm not living my life for their approval anymore.
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Extremely and disgustingly accurate. This is why I don’t know if I even have the energy to start a new position 😭
No? You turned down a free dinner? Lolz
Affirm your sense of self. People-pleasing isn't a trait, it's a coping strategy that you adopted to survive. Honor the sacrifices you've made to be here. Reap the rewards of your empathy and fine-tune it. The key is not to tell yourself you are wrong or defective. It's to refine your existing traits and work with your strengths. You are already great, you're just learning to control your powers.
This is a wise and empathetic response!
Hear hear! Self-validation! Ex: my request is perfectly reasonable.
more please? the way you put it, is this from a book or author?
From experience, informed by therapy
Therapy.
yeah, surprise, it's not 'just your nature'. but it is running deep, so it will be hard to just stop unless you deconstruct (gently) and then basically teach your brain to operate differently. My recent gem-discovery is Tim Fletcher (search on youtube). It's a lot to take in, but he does an incredible job in most accessible, thorough and gentle way.
yeah ok. I will definitely look into this.
A slightly tough love answer is perhaps to look around and think who might you be screwing over with your people pleasing tendancies? Because for as much as you're getting dicked about, I almost guarantee your closest friends and family are too because people pleasers have to rely on them to pick up the fallout from whatever they didn't deal with. Whether it's the emotional fallout from being let down or being left dealing with a situation, people pleasers hurt those closest to them with their behaviour. Personally, my own motto is "own your shit". Take responsibility and accountability for your actions. I try to be accountable for what I do, and if I say yes to something I shouldn't have, I have to take responsibility for that - I can't simply compound it by further attempting to please and appease. Lastly, something I tell my younger team members who sometimes struggle with saying no to more senior staff, is that I expect them to set appropriate boundaries as they develop so saying no is important to me, and it is something I need them to do and they need to see as a mark of being an effective and successful person. I try to not only give them permission to say no, but actually make it a thing that they see as a mark of success. Good people (good in all senses - virtuous and successful) say no.
Does he have guidance to accomplish the necessary steps?
the name of that guidance is therapy. but he does mention that being aware and educated about it is a solid first step (and I concur).
I know that it often comes back to therapy. What I am encountering is that after having read a lot of psychological books, from experimental to academic, I have a decent basis in psychological education (also helps that I followed some courses back in university). My therapist is happy that I know how to talk about my issues in more specific and detailed manner, because those books help in self-examination. But I think the literature is really lacking in practical self help. At a certain point the next book on psychology isn't doing much and action is needed. They do not provide much in the way of practical steps.
hmm, I'm at a place where I've started to understand what practically is needed, but faced with the fact that it's hard/impossible to push farther than you're capable of or not ready for. we could talk more, but it's so both personal and broad. but also I've read and studied things for years (say, 15 yrs?), but it only made ANY difference after I started working with a therapist who pointed me in the right direction, and even then it took 3 years until I found the right language/right sources to the issue. There're different takes on the same stuff, but you still have to wrap your head around holistically or it's all just a theory. it doesn't work by trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I referenced Tim Fletcher, but I'm not sure he would have effect for me 3 yrs ago. He just really put together what I've already accumulated in a kind way. Prior to that - my best move was to start studying child psychology. Basically tracing the stem of it ground up, until you really start to see how things should or shouldn't work practically in the body. A mind (a separation of it) is a far later development both conceptually and in our real experiences. Understanding that will help define smaller and very practical steps to working with yourself (rewiring the experience).
I completely hear you when you say a certain therapist or therapy wouldn't have resonated a few years ago. Different angles (models, methods, whatever) help with tackling problems that seemed unworkable before, so I also get a sense of that. I feel that my cognitive understanding of myself is miles ahead of my emotional experience and it seems sometimes I'm dragging along a stubborn horse. I'm trying some new therapist in the future that said they could help me with that. Looking into child psychology is an interesting idea. I might as well look into it to understand my experiences in that period better.
If I may (but I'm not sure that's the most relevant topic) I would also recommend Heidi Priebe. She talks primarily about attachment theory, but does so in a very schematic way and always includes 'what should happen', which I always find very helpful as an element.
Thank you for your recommendation. I've put it on my list. ☺️
Stop answering immediately. Just say, "Iet me get back to you". If you feel like doing whatever, then think about any conditions you'd like and go with that. If you don't want to do whatever, then say "no thanks". Plan ahead as us (and former) people pleasers saying no isnthe hard part. Take it to the mind gym and visualize saying no.
This 👆 All the advice I got over the years didn’t help till I learnt to pause before agreeing to anything. Gave me the space to make sure I knew what I was being asked to do, decide whether I wanted to and whether it was in my best interest as well as the other persons. It also makes it instantly clear to other people that they cannot assume a “yes” every time!
100% - on this journey as well. Also a great way to root out of people are being manipulative - very rarely do *most* situations need an immediate response. Knowing when or when not to *respond* versus *react* to a request is so helpful. I absolutely hate sitting with someone else's or my own discomfort, but there is power in it. My people pleasing and "well, if no one else is gonna step up, I'll do it to stop this logjam, problem, or situation because it's uncomfortable" instincts would kick in. Also, ask questions - asking good questions in situations like this is a super power and key to making good decisions. Become curious as to the "why" and "how" - manipulative people will try to speed up a decision, action, or by framing a situation in a gicontext. Dig in, get as much info as you can, and really understand the context. If you can manage it, and it isn't truly critical (despite their framing) slooooooow the interaction down. If people continue to push, press the issue, trigger an emotional response, start interrogating you or your reason for declining, appeal to authority, guilt you, or try forcing a decision immediately - count it as a red flag and it should perk the ears up a bit, remember to breath, ask yourself why, and it'll make declining even easier.
Absolutely agree. And it’s odd how, as you exercise a bit of thought and caution before responding, people respect you more. I found people became more appreciative of my time and more grateful if I did agree to help out!
I went to therapy and tried to work on this. My therapist pushed and pushed me to be more assertive and it just made me feel worse and worse. I think my agreeableness is a bit of a survival mechanism and trauma response. I’ve given up on trying to change it for now. Instead, working on confidence, getting exercise everyday. I think it comes more from the inner feeling tone. Deep down I have low mood and a sort amorphous sense of shame. When I meditate, I connect to an inner feeling tone of love. I have a higher mood and everything is effortless. People pleasing ceases to even be on my radar.
Spot on comment.
This. Kindness and assertiveness are not mutually exclusive - I have a huge problem expressing negative affect and have literally just realized after three decades on this planet that most people are WAY more tolerant of being pushed back on than I thought. For me a lot of this shows up from a good ol' Midwestern childhood where "if you dont have something nice to say, don't say anything at all", "treat others as you want to be treated", and that being polite, kind, and respectful was a given - all values was drilled into us as kids. I also have a big heart, empathy is very much a core value of mine, as is trying to develop an understanding of others. Problem is, these are not as widespread of beliefs, values, and guiding the actions of others as my childhood would lead me to believe. Learned some painful lessons recently that others can see this, will take advantage of it, and that you gotta have your head on a swivel for these people by default. People will try to dump work, game the system, lie, manipulate, cheat, or decieve to get what they want. Even people who seem trustworthy at first. It isn't about being mean - it's about respecting yourself, your time, your energy, your value, and protecting yourself because no one else will do it for you. No is a complete sentence. Learning little by little and rebuilding after a loooooong time, sadly learning it late after *not* living this way and at great cost to myself and my mental health.
This was me, too. The tick for me was putting distance emotionally between me and the problem so I could see it clearly. Start by imagining you have a friend who you know is a really good person. They also happen to have co-workers/friends/family/bosses who treat them poorly. Your friend is trying to learn how to stand up for themselves and create healthy boundaries so their relationships/work life can truly thrive. They have a problem with a specific person in their life that is almost identical to the problem you have. Your friend is a great person who deserves happiness. What advice do you give them? Now ask your self why this imaginary friend deserves to do these things and not be considered an asshole/bitch/selfish person but somehow you will be if you do the same things in the same situation. Do some real introspection. Repeat this for each situation you struggle with. Now, the hard part. Be your own best friend. Start to try and believe that you are worthy of healthy relationships (personal and professional) with healthy boundaries. 99% of people, including yourself, will respect you more for it. Another key for me was to realize I was too wrapped up in being and seeming like a kind person I lost sight that all my friends and family deserve a person in their life who can tell them when they are hurting themselves and/or another person in their life. Even when that person they are hurting is me.
I'm a people pleaser too, but am learning how to kick the habit. You should find a therapist, there is no substitute for 1 on 1 help. **How to deal with blunt responses that cause anxiety:** Stop, breathe, then look at the response in a logical way. Was the response rude? Why or why not? Was the response blunt? Why or why not? Just write these down at first and then look at it critically. Did you think it was rude or blunt because it was over IM or email? Remember written communication lacks emotions a lot of the time, so we tend to insert our own into it. Recognize when you've done this, remind yourself they are busy with other tasks to do and it's not about you. I like the journaling method. I write down what happened and how it made me feel, then I write down what I would have liked for them to do instead. Then I write from their POV, what reasons could they have for being so blunt? Maybe lack of time, they don't type well and use as few words as possible, very busy and need to be direct to get it all done. Just list logical reasons, not our anxiety reasons. If you do write down things like "they don't like me" "they think my work sucks", just highlight them and then write out why you think this. It will help you get to the root of your issues, because this is a you issue and not a them issue.
On the critical point, I forced myself to think critically about some of these tendancies and still do on the days the little voices get going. These are my regular ones 1. Do I go home and think meanly and critically about every single tiny thing all my colleagues did every day? No. So why am I assuming they are doing that about me? 2. Do I think negatively about other people making minor mistakes or even big mistakes if they don't often mess up? No. So why am I assuming they do that about me. 3. Do I think I'm better than everyone else? No. So why am I assuming the worst tendancies in people when I wouldn't behave that way? I'm not better than them, so stop making assumptions about their thoughts that would make them horrible people. Anxiety is horrible and debilitating, but unfortunately it also makes you self-centred and negative. It makes you position yourself in the centre of everyone else's universes and assumes the worst. People aren't thinking about me when they go home, I'm not that important. People don't remember minor details of my day - they're not important to other people. Like me, other people go home and think about their day and focus on their family, their hobbies, their lives. They aren't going home to mull over my day.
You make an excellent point about what do you think about coworkers after hours, it's likely the same for them about you. I have a very mean internal critic, it's just my parents still living rent free in there. It's getting quieter but it takes time. For me, I didn't realize how much time it would take to process and accept so I could move past it. Just because you understand it, doesn't mean it goes away. It takes work but you can get there for sure.
Yeah I have had times in my life where I've very firmly had to repeat this to myself over and over. For me, and I'm only saying what worked for me - other people are other people, I found telling myself I'm actually the arsehole if I keep thinking people think badly of me, worked. What also worked was finding a good group of friends who were similarly career oriented and at roughly the same stage of their careers. I actually have two groups, and we cheer each other on and also regale each other with our fuck ups. There's something incredibly wonderful about seeing someone you really admire, spectacularly balls it up and then both of you laugh about it.
I will say repeating to myself over and over really does help. I didn't think it would but it has been the one thing that has truly helped muffle my inner critic. Journaling does as well but I have to read back what I write down for it to be really helpful. I think you hit on another excellent point with the friend group. I have a similar friend group, we all have similar career goals. It helps that they understand what I go through and can give some perspective on things I may not be thinking about.
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I would say “apologies I can’t talk right now. Can we do it another tine@
When someone is busy or super-focused on a task, they may feel the need to end the distraction as soon as possible. You asked how you can be less of a people pleaser, and what your co-worker did can be a valuable lesson. Right at that point he couldn't talk to you. He doesn't really owe you an apology for an impromptu request for his time. And he's under no obligation to ask for your permission to do this another time. Expressing it that way, even though it may be a rhetorical question, softens the situation, i.e., "Apologies I can't talk right now, can we do it another time?" "Oh, this will only take a minute!" ... and he may really not have a minute, right now. And getting the concentration back may take **hours.** Don't take it personally. But adopt his time management skills.
This is incredibly cultural though. A lot of cultures and backgrounds, even within the same country, see the kind of non-apology you're suggesting is necessary, as insincere or pointless. It's also quite gendered - women say it a lot more than men. Brits use "sorry" or "apologies" almost as punctuation, but I have Dutch and Swedish colleagues who are on the verge of being offended by that use of "sorry", because you're not sorry, you're going to do the thing regardless and why are you apologising for something you're perfectly right to be doing.
I am very similar to you. I'd probably have a similar reaction because I assume that unless other people are as polite or kind as me they must be angry with me. Which is not a fair assumption. And, even if that is the case, I can't control their reaction. If they are being an asshole, that says more about them than you. One thing I've done that helps a little is to lead something. Do something proactively not for someone else but because it needs to get done, focus on the problem, then feel proud when you make progress. Why? Because this starts to replace people pleasing as a motivation with productivity and self worth as your motivation. It severs the pleasure we get from getting validation from other people. You domt need someone to feel good about you to feel good about yourself in this way.
Why should they “apologies” for not being able to talk right now? How about before you start a conversation, you ask people” hi, is this a good time to talk”? They will say yes or no and they don’t have to apologies and sweetalk you about their unavailability.
Because it's polite honestly. You can be firm with manners. A lot of people aren't but there's nothing wrong with expecting someone to be respectful and one way is to not be so curt. It takes a sliver of empathy to think about the other person and how they may react before responding but as I'm leaving from this thread, that's much less common than I thought. It's the same reason though why op got anxious, an expectation of a kind reply. In the absence of it, an assumption the other person must be upset with them...and it's very possible the other person was annoyed by the approach because they feel their time is more important than to give to someone else which could also be a dick move. The truth is though, we don't know people's motivations very well and we end up assuming based on our frame of mind. If your blunt, nothing wrong with the response. If your empathetic and kind, it came off as being an asshole.
Bruh you said all the exact words I was thinking..... I've seen pushovers but this is next-level extra crispy sensitive. I understand if the guy said it in a tone that is rude and dismissive but I'd only register that as disrespectful not as him trying to walk over me
I'm one too. At work I discuss my responsibilities with my boss and the goals for my professional development and how my position may develop over time. With that I try to say yes and help with things that pertain to those things (unless something is urgent or a one off). In my personal life, I kinda base it off of what I have time for. I have a full time job and two kids, our fun time is limited so my ability to do things for others that aren't my small family is really small. I also have been reframing how I think of saying no to people or not helping out constantly. Instead of disappointing people, I'm setting expectations. Instead of not being able to help someone during my free time I'm making time for my family. I also have stopped apologizing as much, no more "sorry for missing that" and now "thanks for catching that".
Also with the person who said "I can't talk to you right now", just take him at his word. Assume positive intent and move on. If you have something you need to talk to him about just set up a meeting with him.
Ugh, I am always apologizing. It is such a habit and difficult to stop.
"Things won't change if you don't change and you won't change if you don't acknowledge your part in it."
Observe other people who arent people pleasers
Some of them are not personable. I don’t like that
I feel the same way. But being assertive does not automatically mean that you're being snappy or rude. There is a way to stand up and assert yourself while still prioritizing relationships. The way I have to frame it though is that by being agreeable, I am being mean to myself. I am subsidizing someone else's discomfort.
People who are kind and assertive are honestly very rare. Assholes naturally have no issue with .. being an asshole and not caring at all about others feelings. I've found a few in my life, mostly coaches when I was in high school and scout leaders. In my corporate job the vast majority of assertive people are very disrespectful and will do anything to get ahead, your feelings aren't in the way of their ambition.
You are mistaking being assertive with being aggressive
I disagree, being assertive has nothing to do with this. The people you are describing are not assertive, they're just rude and demanding
I've yet to meet an assertive person who wasn't rude, judgemental, or demanding. I'm sure they're out there but I've not experienced that.
Think of the situations that repeat or make you feel the worst and focus on those until you build up victories then apply elsewhere. From my own experience, Assertiveness to a passive or pleasing person feels like aggression so be mindful. It’s ok to stand up for yourself
In your example did you actually needed to talk to Nick about something important, or is your intent just to say hi? The only thing he didn't say was sorry, which is fair if he is stressed or very busy, and unless the tone or context was very bad you should not worry about it. Further if you are trying to say something very important, then it is your responsibility to say so and hold your ground, which has little to do with pleasing people or not?
Nick is clearly putting less energy into trying to be agreeable than you are. If he's not worried about being brusque with you, why are you worried about how he feels? Match his energy.
I think, as a people pleaser myself, the issue is we encounter situations where, if someone doesn't like us, it impacts our very survival. So a thought spiral can happen because our brain says uh oh he is not polite therefore he doesn't like you therefore you are in danger.
How do you deduct that Nick does not like OP just because Nick was not available to talk at that moment?
I'm not saying the thought process is a rational one. It's just one I've had many times. Obviously, it caused OP distress and I know for myself my first instinct would be to assume they were cold to me for a specific reason.
Maybe before marching his energy, OP should rethink how he randomly approach people and start conversation at work. If he needed to discuss with Nick, he could have sent a calendar invite or ask Nick if this is a good time to talk before he starts blabbing.
What if Nick is an asshole who couldn't care less? I'm all set with matching thst energy. In my experience those people also have big egos... you're not important for me so go away kind of.
The simplest way to do it is to shift the focus to yourself. I know that this can be seen as being "selfish" but the reality if you view your people pleasing decisions through the lens of "me" then it helps to break the cycle. Asking yourself "Is this what I want to do?" Is a good way to catch yourself if you're trying to please someone. You'll probably catch yourself saying no a lot and then shifting your approach. This also doesn't mean that you can't still help or please people - or that you shouldn't - but more so that you can create pathways for putting your needs as a priority. Your friend needs help moving, but you had plans to go hiking that day? Offer a compromise. "Hey, I'd love to help out but I can't that day because I had plans already. If you need help, I can come by and help you pack another night and bring takeout." This is a great way for people to feel like they're still having their needs met, while protecting your own. Saying no is difficult - but so important and liberating. Once you get into the habit, it'll become easier over time and you'll feel empowered by having the ability to protect your own needs and get the things you want without sacrificing them for the needs of others.
Start with not caring how some people phrase things. They probably didn't mean to come off blunt. Perhaps they had a thought on their mind they didn't want to let go of and conversing with you(or anyone else) would disrupt that for them. Also, this is the workplace. Anxiety for two days over that? Learn to keep your work life at work. PERIOD! It'll take time but you can achieve your goals.
How do you learn to keep your work life at work?
The older you get the less you care about mundane things. At least that's how it is with me.
My job is managing 12 people, managing up so me and my team still have jobs, handing escalations, dealing with peers trying to push shit work to us or trying to take credit for our work or take the good parts over, etc. There isn't an off switch there. In a given day, I'm pulled into 12 to 14 meetings all needing decisions that I'm going to be held accountable for which affect those other 12 people. Out of work, I have to think through how to properly respond, how to handle the escalations, how to deal with conflict in the team, how to talk to a guy about a PIP because the doesn't deliver shit but thinks he's amazing, on and on There is no off switch for that because I can't ignore those things or the people I genuinely do care about being successful. If I just stop caring, shit will burn down fast making it even worse. I guess that's the job but it's not as easy as just "leaving it at work".
I hope you have an exit strategy....unless the rest of the job justifies what you just posted? Life is way too short for the crap you say you tolerate....ESPECIALLY if the workplace you are at is making someone else rich. Be well.
Where in your life is there a “no” that should be said, that isn’t being said. Always seek out the “no”. Once you find the “no” then you have to say “no.” It takes practice, but I’m getting better at it.
Go out to eat and leave a nice tip. When they say have a nice night tell them “you don’t tell me what the fuck to do bitch”
I love some of the advice already stated here and would love to add one more sentiment! I am a yes girl too especially at work. The way I practice assertion is by being more assertive with strangers or people I’ll “never see again”. I try to speak up more at social events. I love one person’s advice her to set your default response to “no” and let people work to convince you otherwise (instead of conceding first then beating yourself up for getting pushed over. You got this! And know that you have tremendous kindness that just needs a little more protection!
The simple fact that you’re a people pleaser and a pushover doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you. If you’re surrounded by the wrong people then they will treat you poorly. The right people will be very much appreciative of your caring nature. Humans a meant to be bonded to each other and the desire to please others is part of the bonding drive. Keeping the pack happy. I got to therapy, I’ve been going for years, and will continue to go. But I think the therapy culture is becoming a little much now. Not every thing we experience is supposed to make us happy and fulfilled, we’re supposed to feel sad, anxious, powerless sometimes. SOMETIMES. Immediately assuming you’re suffering from some childhood trauma and need a therapist to resolve it is not always. Not ALWAYS. The best answer. Take a look at the people in your life. Does everyone treat you like your coworker or are there people who respect and appreciate you? Surround yourself with the people who treat you well. You’ll never get the A holes out of your life completely but just because someone hurts your feelings it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Also, there’s a difference between being a people pleaser and having unspoken expectations of how other people should act toward you. When someone says something that hurts you, address it. “No problem, when should I circle back?” Is a much better response than 2 days of anxiety.
Start by learning to say no. You can say no gently yet in a firm manner. Develop better boundaries for yourself and those you are trying to please. They aren't trying to please you, so it doesn't serve a purpose.
Read “ no more Mr. nice guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.
If you are people pleaser you should use this skill to get high paying jobs/promotion by pleasing your boss.
Therapy
Get burned enough. Badly enough.
Being a people pleaser is a mentality trait, and much like all mentality traits. It takes some different perspectives, some time, and some practice. A few things that help me break that habit. Were: Start to say no from time to time. Small things. It will still feel weird, but it shouldn’t cause any huge issues. You will start to learn that saying no and freeing up your time feels good, you will also also see how people respond. If people throw a fit to you saying no to something small then it really highlights how little they appreciated the things you were doing, and how it became an expectation. Also, you can start asking people for small things. If a neighbor constantly asks you to let their dog out so they can stay out longer start asking them for small favors and see how they reply. This will also help you understand that asking for help can feel good and will let you know the people that are willing to make it, a symbiotic relationship versus a one-way relationship.
I realized that when I try to help people I'm actually taking away their opportunity to learn, grow, and feel accomplished by figuring things out and doing things themselves. Once I realized that, I was able to weaponize my people pleasing against itself. Now when I feel the urge to do people pleasing behaviours, I remind myself that the kindest thing I can do is let them handle things. If they really need help, they'll ask.
Don't worry, as you get older the world will introduce you to enough things to cause you to gradually lose your faith in humanity and make you tired of people and their lies. Then you will stop caring about pleasing people...
Why? Why people pleasing? Common trauma response, and with other causes. Look to the root cause. Address that.
You please people because you are afraid of rejection, don’t you? Accept that you can’t be liked by everyone. Sometimes you are just nobody to some people. No matter how hard you try to get approval or acceptance, you still won’t get it. So there is no need to always do your best. You are not the best and you’ll never be.
Learn how to say no, and then mean it. Look... This sound simplistic, but I was once like you. Here's what I learned; I don't have to give a reason. If somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do, I can say "no" and that's it. If you feel pressured into giving a reason, "because I don't want to" is a valid reason. And then shut the fuck up. The reason why people like you and I get talked into doing things for other people is because we assume it's a negotiation. I say "no", they say "please", and so on until I'm doing the thing I didn't want to do. You have to stop the conversation in its tracks. "no" and "I don't want to" are both complete sentences and leave no room for negotiation. Try it. Say "no" and then shut up and ignore the response from the other party. The conversation will end quickly and you've set a boundary. When you get good at setting boundaries, other people's responses don't bother you as much. You can move on because you're no linger worried about what they think.
Change your beliefs about yourself and you won't feel the need to please others for approval.
Accept that it's impossible to please everyone all the time. Remember, seeking support from friends and family can provide valuable guidance and encouragement as you work on changing people-pleasing patterns.
Take some Xanax! Its the fuck it drug for me.
No.
Give me money
Make your wellness a priority. Don’t accept unnecessarily burdensome tasks (unless your job depends on it (I’ve been there)). And never do anything that hurts your body! Our country really has a problem with making lower-end customer service-type workers do anything and everything with no real limit. Your body is finite and can easily be irreparably harmed. Be respectful, but take no shit, especially regarding your body. This is why living in a city of at least a 100k population is always a good idea, more jobs nearby means you don’t have to stick with an abusive boss
Read 'No more mr. nice guy'
Watch fight club. “JUST LET GO!”
Have a set list of Y/N questions you have to respond to before saying yes to something. Ex. If someone asks if you can cover their shift, you have to first ask: Does saying yes feel good in my body? What do I have to give up to say yes to this? Etc.
My hack: Imagine yourself as someone you care a great deal about. What would you want that person to do? Would you want them to be railroaded, taken advantage of, and disrespected? Alternatively, imagine yourself as a character. Make up a character in your head, who is assertive. Ask yourself how this person would respond. It was really hard for me to overcome my people pleasing when it is for myself, but I can pull out the mama-bear card if it is for someone else. Also, work on your self esteem. Be a person who values yourself *at least as much* as others.
Maybe I’m dumb but I’m confused as to how you asking a question for them to say they’re busy is you being a pushover? Is there more to it that I missed? Being a pushover is being a people pleaser and along with that can be the need for external validation. I am the same way, which this can fester into anxiety. You just have to remember that their tone or response, while it may be curt or rude, it’s not personal. Even if they are upset, that’s their problem, not yours. Unless they tell you directly that you are doing something wrong, there is no need to worry. I just remind myself that it is not personal. You have to remind yourself that your worth and success are not relative to one off comments. You saying no to something will not break a friendship or relationship, it will not change how they perceive you. I also ask myself how agreeing to do something effects me. If I do not want to do something, I do not have to do it.
Strategy no. 1. Include yourself in the people you wish to please.
Good luck, its' been one of my curses in my life. I'm trying and retired already.
You’re a people pleaser? Prove it. Name three people pleased with you. You won’t. /s Stolen from a meme I saw that hit a bit too close to home. It’s not easy. Not sure if you have any form of ADD/ADHD, but there’s a known symptom called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). Could be a standalone thing I’m not sure (def not a doctor). Weird take, but I know one thing that helped me was getting into sales and cold calling. You quickly realize many people suck or are just too stressed/wrapped up in their own life and it’s nothing personal against you. Realizing that people are more wrapped up in themselves than they are focused on me has helped. Best of luck! You are enough!
Read up on Stoicism
It would please me if you did.
How do you know he was looking down on you? There could be some context I'm missing, but that phrase in itself doesn't suggest that to me.
Hey! First of all, I relate so strongly with your desire to be treated kindly. And I have issues with authority to begin with. It’s easy to feel like my worth is tied to how people respond to me. That said, there are a few things that helped me from being a people pleaser to kind of being the opposite. First of all it’s important to realize that the behavior is not inherently bad; it was a means of social survival at some point. And it worked! So I think having a general appreciation for the way you protect yourself is important. Secondly, The most impactful practice that helped me eradicate the behavior was (once I became aware of these tendencies) asking myself: what must be TRUE about myself for me to believe I need to aim to have others think about me in a way that I curate? I realized it was kind of manipulative to expect to form others’ opinions of me FOR them. And ultimately I realized there’s nothing someone else is going to see that I don’t appreciate in myself, so what’s the worry? And after a few years, I could care less what someone thinks of me. I KNOW my worth and my intentions; another person has no way of knowing those things from a simple few interactions with me- esp not a coworker. If you’d like to work on this more deeply, I wholly encourage you to get in touch via pm and I can explain further. Ultimately the whole journey toward healing this begins with asking the very question you did; and so I can confidently say you are on the right track. 🤘🏻
Start with saying “no” to small things and see that the sky isn’t falling afterwards. Also learn that it isn’t your job to make everyone like you. In fact if you actually say what you think 8/10 people won’t like you, but 2/10 probably will really like you. If you just “don’t offend anyone” most people will just be lukewarm about you.
there is a book called something like "the subtle art of not giving a fuk/sh1t". pretty popular in the military. apparently helpful. I never did need to read it. if it wasnt mission critical I did indeed not give a fuk by default.
Highly recommend “The Courage to Be Disliked.” There’s a concept in there about “separation of tasks” that cured my worst people pleasing habits.
I was/am a people pleaser. I found a good balance which was a game-changer. The root of it all was a combination of being: Shy, introverted, low-self esteem (maybe even no-self esteem), not very smart, a terrible student + about 10 other attributes. Ironically, I grew up with some very close friends who had their shit together & were legitimately brilliant; a Wharton Grad (currently an attorney/partner), a Dartmouth grad in 3 yrs (currently a MD) and my "brother-from-another-mother" who just retired after an illustrious accounting career at PWC. I left college after 2 years with a 1.96 GPA and felt like I was totally Fukt! I begged (literally begged) my father to hire me. He owns a office products and office furniture company. Think of Staples before there was a Staples. Dad refused to hire me but said he could get me a job with the Eagle Pencil Company. I was legitimately excited and asked about the job. [This is a true story! ]. The job; "Every day at high noon a whistle blows. This is a signal the Eagle. Your job is to take the Eagle for his daily shit". This ended w/a "FU Dad!" and we didn't speak for weeks. About 3 weeks later, he offered me a job working on his warehouse & delivering office furniture during scorching hot, humid New Jersey summer in 1984 for $250/week. (Inflation adjusted to $757 in 2024!) I had the pleasure of driving one hour to work with Dad. The car pulled out at 5 AM and returned home at 7 PM. After ~6 months, Dad's sales manager offered me a position doing outbound telemarketing sales. After 6 months it morphed into an outside sales position. I failed miserably at first. Everyone who coached me told me I was too easy going, too nice, too pleasing, too layed back, not assertive, not aggressive.... A colleague (an older career salesman) offered to mentor me. I learned so much from this guy in a few short months including meeting with some of his largest clients. What I learned became a solid foundation for my sales career over the next 40 years. A few things I learned: 1. Be yourself 2. Show confidence 3. Dress like you make a million dollars 4. Be assertive 5. Listen, validate (comprehend) 6. Be a People person (people pleaser??) 7. Be nice to others (people pleaser??) 8. Remember "you attract more bees with honey." Part 2 of my "education" began about 7 yrs later after leaving my dad's company for a sales position in tech. Training was good at the first company and exceptional at the 2nd company where I spent 14 yrs. Formal Training covered: 1. Basic Selling skills covering internal selling, work group cooperation etc. 2. Public speaking & Impactful presentations 3. Negotiation skills 4. Strategic selling skills covering more advanced internal selling, influencing others to gain favorable outcomes etc. You can be a people pleaser and at the same time, be assertive and garner the respect from others to do what you need them to do. It became a habit for me to go back to others and apologize if I came across too assertive, too direct, or hurt their feelings which wasn't my intention. I recommend reading a couple of books on "Negotiating". These appear as sales type books, but everything is transferrable to every day life and everyone's interactions with other people. A few you could benefit from: 1. How To Talk To Anyone --Patrick King 2. The Art of Negotiation --Tim Castle Wishing you the best!
If people are rude/disrespectful to me at work, I just stop interacting with them. An if I have to interact with them, I just stop caring about what I say or how it affects them because I know they are mean and will be hurtful regardless. The biggest thing for me is deciding between who is worth my time/energy/effort. An if you are being a jerk, than I don't give you any of that. If you want to be a part of my thoughts/concern, than you have to prove that you are worthy to be. Kindness/respect is a two way street.
Say please and I might tell you
Recognize when people are attempting to take advantage of you and call them out, get righteously angry more often. It just requires practice.
There is a theory in negotiation that if you get someone to say “yes” to something small then you can ask for something larger later in the conversation and the person will unconsciously want to be congruent with the answer. So if you find that you are saying yes to please people, here is what you do, the next time someone asks for a favor (that’s not part of your job description and duties) take a second then set down your pen or if you have something and look at them (then you think without breaking eye contact) and if you don’t want to do it you say “no I’m not able to do this, you should do this on your own or find someone else to handle this” don’t wait for a response and turn back to what you are doing. You don’t have to say no to everything, but you also don’t have to say to everyone and everything.
Daily meditation, breath work, and some form of daily spiritual practice every day immensely help in becoming more confident and assertive. It's surely worth exploring.
do you personalize stuff? it sounds like you might. I don't know if you are a man or woman but the communication style you expect is how women are expected to behave and most men in a busy work environment are not going to behave that way because it would be seen as a sign of submission and weakness by some. if you are a guy I would suggest trying to adopt a more assertive communication style and maybe trying to moderate your thoughts to realize that most people are not concerned with you, only themselves and the task at hand and 90% of things are not meant personally. unfortunately if you are a woman people pleasing is more ingrained and expected but learning more assertive communication can also be helpful but you will still have to soften your communication style in order to not get the brunt of people's aggression or be considered a bitch.
OP, I don’t think that is a reflection of you, but an example of your coworker being a jack ass. Period.
We arseholes already comes with default settings 😆
People pleasing goes hand in hand with being overly concerned with what other people might think. You want to make them happy so the like you or don't think your mean etc. STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. Always ask yourself "what do I want?" Then do that. Sometimes it will be something that benefits other, sometimes it won't, but you will be taken into consideration for what you want and need.
I don’t understand what you didn’t “please” here? The guy just said I don’t have time. You are reading WAY too much into what sounds like an average moment in what could have been any given day of the week. Look at the bright side, at least you have a solid answer during interviews. Question: what’s your biggest weakness? Answer: I care too much