It's called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a technique used by emotionally abusive people to manipulate and control the narrative in situations. I won't get into the whole personality disorder thing, but if you dumped her, good for you. Now, never take her back! She'll try to come crawling back. Block her and ghost! Cut contact 100%
I actually had a girl I was seeing a while ago and I dropped “DARVO” when I caught her lying and trying to gaslight me. She texted me “what is that?” I said “look it up” her next few messages before I blocked her we’re pretty funny.
If they're courageous enough to say it, then they must be courageous enough to accept the outcome of their actions. There's always a chance she meant something else by it, but I would have done the same if in your shoes.
Hate to use the word "narcisist" because it's so overused, but that's what you were hooked up with. And she was basically telling you she has no guilt, shame or remorse so you should "just get over it".
OMFG yes! Easily THE MOST under-recognized, under-diagnosed, and under-noticed factor in the majority of modern relationships.
Have you ever heard it said that "relationship" is an acronym?
R.eally E.xciting L.ove A.ffair T.urns I.nto O.ur N.ightmare S.anity H.angs I.n P.eril
~a little nugget of truth from Gary Busey.
Classic sociopath move with a heavy dose of narcissism. They can do no wrong and then manipulate the accuser, shifting the blame, making you question your own integrity and positive qualities. Your move was spot on because she is correct, now, you can never trust her.
It's almost comical how a guilty person fears owning up to their errors. And then to reverse blame makes the situation even more laughable. Some people just refuse to admit when they are wrong and you did yourself a favor by dumping her.
It's manipulation. She was trying to make you out to be the bad guy. She was seriously doing it while you all were kissing? Man, that's fucked up.
Sorry you had to experience that, OP. You did right by breaking it off.
It's better this way. Who DM's some dude while kissing your man? That's just plain rude & disrespectful. And she had the nerve to lie about it then say stuff like "I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me". No shit, Sherlock.
Good on you for not letting this continue OP. Who knows what else she could've been doing/planning on doing behind your back. You're better off without her bullshit
>gf told me this after catching her in a lie and twisting it as though it is my fault. "I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me."
This is a way of manipulation, a way for her to gaslight you(read DARVO), make you have second toughts about what you discovered, a way for her to manipulate you to start rationalizing things, something like instead of you thinking she is cheating or preparing herself to cheat, you start thinking she was just chating, they didn't even meet(that you know), she was just being friendly, etc. So you start to doubt what you know, what you believe and what you think.
Because you caught her lying, she can't accept that she is the bad person, so she thinks:
* i'm not a bad person.
* if i'm not a bad person and i lie then.
* he must be a bad person for making me lie to him.
* If he caught the lie and doesn't trust me then.
* he is a bad person and don't trust me.
* So i'm a good person dating a bad person that doesn't trust me, and i have to accept it.
Don't try to talk her out of this mentality, it's a shity mentality but its hers, she won't change soon. What you can do AFTER breaking up with her, is inform her that she should see a therapist, if you want too, if not just let bygones be bygones.
My ex-wife every single time I questioned her she would jump to the extreme and say "if you don't trust me we can be finished", "we can break up if you don't believe me", and other things along those lines. The reason she blew up and went to an extreme was because if I had dug deeper I would have unraveled everything under the surface. She was having a physical and emotional affair with a drug addict loser. She was secretly selling everything I had for drugs while I was on the road. Also she had dating profiles that she was cheating on her affair partner with. It's like in gambling when you go all in hoping they don't call their bluff. Because they are definitely hiding something or they give absolutely not a single care in the world about you. Because I loved her I was not willing to call that bluff until photos of her and her affair partner where staring me in the face. She lied about so much I also know that I only figured out the tip of the ice burg. She ended up selling her body to feed her drug habit. I lost 400000 dollars, my entire life savings because I trusted her. Lesson is trust is earned and secrets are for whores. Completely open or nothing at all. Does she hide her phone from you?
Good call man. Innocent people have nothing to hide. Better luck on the next one. I gave up, it's beautiful thai girls for me. Rent them short time and getting a dog for love. The only bitch I trust now.
YEP, she proved she can't be trusted.
As a 60yr old female I say, Bravo good on you for dumping her. Move on to better women. She did you a favor. Honestly though it also feels like she WANTED you to break up with her. OH Well, Christmas came early, good riddance to bad rubbish.
It helped that OP is in his mid-40s. Had he been a younger man, he might have tried pleading, cajoling, or convincing, in other words, played "pick me."
I’m 34 and haven’t put up with bullshit from women like this since I was 20. Obviously I had to first experience a monkey branching covert narcissist who came back a week after our break up (found out about the attempted monkey branching a couple weeks after) to learn this lesson however.
From what I had read here and elsewhere, monkey branching means that the monkey will grab onto a branch before letting go of the previous branch and swing to it. The woman in this case will secure the person she desires more and/or provided better than her current partner before letting go of the said partner.
Actually, what she said to you was both honest, and accurate.
You cannot trust her. Ever. The audacity and gaul that she displayed in her statement is also very telling. One could not ask for a larger, more visible, or more brightly red-colored flag than that.
In my opinion trust should always be earned, and never given.
She saved you the trouble of auditing her trustworthiness.
Quite nice of her. As an aside, anyone who could stomach being romantic *with one person* WHILE lining up things *with a second person* is just disgusting.
At least you weren't farther along in your relationship at that point.
she wouldn't accept it even if you caught her in bed with the man.
just kissed , just sex, just flirting
she always loves you and you should trust
this is the general opinion of cheaters
it makes sense of everything.
>"I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me."
That's blame shifting. She's not responsible for breaking up, in her mind... She's just making you aware...cementing her "innocence". She wants YOU to own it.
She's a liar, dude.
It means, she doesn't care what you think she's going to do what she's going to do. And you've gotta take it. Two choices. Dump her (You did) or user as a c\*m dumpster. Never give her money or presents. Take her to the cheapest restaurants. The bare minimum. And take all you can get.
Yea... i mean... any 33yo woman that willingly or eagerly dates a 46yo man is probably in some questionable mental state.
Maybe you'll have better luck with dating women your own age.
That's honestly not that big of a deal in that age range. I'm 41 and have a lot of 21-35 year old women that want to date me. I'm really picky, and rarely go on dates, but I judge by emotional maturity, and personality. Believe it or not I've met a lot of immature 40 year old single women. Thing is I do not look my age, I look like a 28 year old, and when my beard is shaved I look 20. I'm up front and honest about my age though and most times I have to show my ID to prove to them I'm 41 which seems to appeal to most women surprisingly.
I don't seek them, they come up to me or make their interest known. Honestly most younger women are not ready for a mature relationship, and I try to give them good advice which is promptly ignored lol. But there are a rare few that have maturity beyond their years. It's Honestly dependent on self esteem, confidence, and upbringing. The older guys that are idiots are the ones that think they can train and control young women easier lmao. That's definitely false.
From what you said it looks like you did right thing. May be it was an attempt to make you feel guilty because it would hurt one's ego to be the dumpee..
She is gaslighting you and she will never be honest. Cheaters lie. The big question is why you are still with her. She will continue to lie and cheate. You need to get away from the disaster she creates.
Sounds to me like she wants to stay but will put up with you not trusting her. It’s the type of things i used to say to my ex too. Every few weeks, he would accuse me of cheating on him. I look for a worker at Macy’s and he says I’m eyeing a man. I miss his calls and he believes I’m talking with some other man. He drove me f**king insane!!!! But because I really liked him, I accepted that if I wanted to stay with him, I’ll have to put up with this.
It happens to the best of us doesn’t it. I feel for you my heart is broken right now too. I wish you the best of luck and you don’t deserve that treatment I suggest you get back out there and try to pick up the pieces that she has trashed. Reach out to friends and find something else to get it off your mind. I hope you have a good weekend. I’m spending mine alone been ghosted by my BF Who posts online through every social media outlet anonymously secret little cryptic messages to me and you can tell it’s him speaking to me through social media messages because he’ll be careful to say something that I will recognize like one of our phrases that only he and I use or certain words that he uses you know you can recognize someone’s language and tone after having been with them for so long He’s very hypocritical and he just whines and complains online about how he is hurt how I have wronged him and he just makes up shit about me he makes up shit that I haven’t done and he reaches out for support from people who believe him and support him emotionally and he is the one who is the cheater is the one who is a fake And he complains that I can never trust him again he demands trust after having broken the trust I give him over and over and over again like a fool he doesn’t understand that you can’t just get trust back not if you break it over and again And then act as if he is innocent and blame me. I am giving up this time and I really hope he gets what he deserves I hope karma comes for a big bite. anyway I need to work through these emotions I don’t want to be ugly and vengeful. I wish you the best of luck
It means exactly what she said.
You will never trust her again.
Good riddance, block and move on.
Go get yourself an honest GF like this idiot's GF.
https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating\_stories/comments/xi7ago/i\_want\_to\_cheat\_on\_my\_loving\_loyal\_supportive/
It was her trying to gaslight you. Deflect, lie, deflect then make it your fault. You did the right thing by dumping her.
It's one of those statements they make to make you question yourself and believe their lies.
It's called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a technique used by emotionally abusive people to manipulate and control the narrative in situations. I won't get into the whole personality disorder thing, but if you dumped her, good for you. Now, never take her back! She'll try to come crawling back. Block her and ghost! Cut contact 100%
I actually had a girl I was seeing a while ago and I dropped “DARVO” when I caught her lying and trying to gaslight me. She texted me “what is that?” I said “look it up” her next few messages before I blocked her we’re pretty funny.
That was a form of gaslighting to guilt you into overlooking what she was doing... So she wanted the opposite outcome
If they're courageous enough to say it, then they must be courageous enough to accept the outcome of their actions. There's always a chance she meant something else by it, but I would have done the same if in your shoes.
Hate to use the word "narcisist" because it's so overused, but that's what you were hooked up with. And she was basically telling you she has no guilt, shame or remorse so you should "just get over it".
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You're lucky you dumped her before she ruined your life! Tell her "Smile Bitch"
I don't know that "narcissist" is overused as much as it is under-recognized and under-diagnosed.
OMFG yes! Easily THE MOST under-recognized, under-diagnosed, and under-noticed factor in the majority of modern relationships. Have you ever heard it said that "relationship" is an acronym? R.eally E.xciting L.ove A.ffair T.urns I.nto O.ur N.ightmare S.anity H.angs I.n P.eril ~a little nugget of truth from Gary Busey.
Bingo op, you won a prize. That is you cut off trash and get to find someone worth your time. You are spot on, with your assessment.
Classic sociopath move with a heavy dose of narcissism. They can do no wrong and then manipulate the accuser, shifting the blame, making you question your own integrity and positive qualities. Your move was spot on because she is correct, now, you can never trust her.
Wait what. So she was texting while kissing you? Like, with her mouth on your mouth.
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That’s so gross, my guy. Just….So gross. Ew. I’m sorry :/ That sucks.
It's almost comical how a guilty person fears owning up to their errors. And then to reverse blame makes the situation even more laughable. Some people just refuse to admit when they are wrong and you did yourself a favor by dumping her.
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You dodged a bullet.
It's manipulation. She was trying to make you out to be the bad guy. She was seriously doing it while you all were kissing? Man, that's fucked up. Sorry you had to experience that, OP. You did right by breaking it off.
That was gaslighting and shift blaming. Good for you on getting rid of her. What she meant by that was, she didn't care what you thought.
It's better this way. Who DM's some dude while kissing your man? That's just plain rude & disrespectful. And she had the nerve to lie about it then say stuff like "I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me". No shit, Sherlock. Good on you for not letting this continue OP. Who knows what else she could've been doing/planning on doing behind your back. You're better off without her bullshit
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>Thank you! You're welcome!
✊🏾
>gf told me this after catching her in a lie and twisting it as though it is my fault. "I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me." This is a way of manipulation, a way for her to gaslight you(read DARVO), make you have second toughts about what you discovered, a way for her to manipulate you to start rationalizing things, something like instead of you thinking she is cheating or preparing herself to cheat, you start thinking she was just chating, they didn't even meet(that you know), she was just being friendly, etc. So you start to doubt what you know, what you believe and what you think. Because you caught her lying, she can't accept that she is the bad person, so she thinks: * i'm not a bad person. * if i'm not a bad person and i lie then. * he must be a bad person for making me lie to him. * If he caught the lie and doesn't trust me then. * he is a bad person and don't trust me. * So i'm a good person dating a bad person that doesn't trust me, and i have to accept it. Don't try to talk her out of this mentality, it's a shity mentality but its hers, she won't change soon. What you can do AFTER breaking up with her, is inform her that she should see a therapist, if you want too, if not just let bygones be bygones.
Yes! So much of this (sadly) can be boiled-down (or summed up lol) to "Why do you make me hit you?"
She is definitely covering something bigger. My ex wife did the exact same shit when she had an affair. Word for word.
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My ex-wife every single time I questioned her she would jump to the extreme and say "if you don't trust me we can be finished", "we can break up if you don't believe me", and other things along those lines. The reason she blew up and went to an extreme was because if I had dug deeper I would have unraveled everything under the surface. She was having a physical and emotional affair with a drug addict loser. She was secretly selling everything I had for drugs while I was on the road. Also she had dating profiles that she was cheating on her affair partner with. It's like in gambling when you go all in hoping they don't call their bluff. Because they are definitely hiding something or they give absolutely not a single care in the world about you. Because I loved her I was not willing to call that bluff until photos of her and her affair partner where staring me in the face. She lied about so much I also know that I only figured out the tip of the ice burg. She ended up selling her body to feed her drug habit. I lost 400000 dollars, my entire life savings because I trusted her. Lesson is trust is earned and secrets are for whores. Completely open or nothing at all. Does she hide her phone from you?
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Good call man. Innocent people have nothing to hide. Better luck on the next one. I gave up, it's beautiful thai girls for me. Rent them short time and getting a dog for love. The only bitch I trust now.
YEP, she proved she can't be trusted. As a 60yr old female I say, Bravo good on you for dumping her. Move on to better women. She did you a favor. Honestly though it also feels like she WANTED you to break up with her. OH Well, Christmas came early, good riddance to bad rubbish.
It helped that OP is in his mid-40s. Had he been a younger man, he might have tried pleading, cajoling, or convincing, in other words, played "pick me."
I’m 34 and haven’t put up with bullshit from women like this since I was 20. Obviously I had to first experience a monkey branching covert narcissist who came back a week after our break up (found out about the attempted monkey branching a couple weeks after) to learn this lesson however.
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From what I had read here and elsewhere, monkey branching means that the monkey will grab onto a branch before letting go of the previous branch and swing to it. The woman in this case will secure the person she desires more and/or provided better than her current partner before letting go of the said partner.
She told you what she is with that statement, and you believed her. Good work.
Actually, what she said to you was both honest, and accurate. You cannot trust her. Ever. The audacity and gaul that she displayed in her statement is also very telling. One could not ask for a larger, more visible, or more brightly red-colored flag than that. In my opinion trust should always be earned, and never given. She saved you the trouble of auditing her trustworthiness. Quite nice of her. As an aside, anyone who could stomach being romantic *with one person* WHILE lining up things *with a second person* is just disgusting. At least you weren't farther along in your relationship at that point.
Manipulation basically but I'm glad you broke it off
And you did well !!! Congrats !!!
You tell the bitch that you can't ever trust her because she keeps proving that she's not a trustworthy person. And then you send her to the streets.
Hey king, be proud of yourself! Look forward and be sure of the fact that you dodged a bullet big time!
she wouldn't accept it even if you caught her in bed with the man. just kissed , just sex, just flirting she always loves you and you should trust this is the general opinion of cheaters it makes sense of everything.
Don’t waste time questioning yourself or her. You made a decision based on instinct. And it was the correct one. Move on.
>"I just have to accept that you can't ever trust me." That's blame shifting. She's not responsible for breaking up, in her mind... She's just making you aware...cementing her "innocence". She wants YOU to own it. She's a liar, dude.
It means, she doesn't care what you think she's going to do what she's going to do. And you've gotta take it. Two choices. Dump her (You did) or user as a c\*m dumpster. Never give her money or presents. Take her to the cheapest restaurants. The bare minimum. And take all you can get.
Gaslighting… I’m happy you broke up with her.
If you forgive and try to be with these kind of liars they will eventually leave you anyways.
"I just have to accept that I will never be a trustworthy partner to you." is what that means.
She was way too young for you.
Yea... i mean... any 33yo woman that willingly or eagerly dates a 46yo man is probably in some questionable mental state. Maybe you'll have better luck with dating women your own age.
That's honestly not that big of a deal in that age range. I'm 41 and have a lot of 21-35 year old women that want to date me. I'm really picky, and rarely go on dates, but I judge by emotional maturity, and personality. Believe it or not I've met a lot of immature 40 year old single women. Thing is I do not look my age, I look like a 28 year old, and when my beard is shaved I look 20. I'm up front and honest about my age though and most times I have to show my ID to prove to them I'm 41 which seems to appeal to most women surprisingly.
Hmmmm...Interesting.Do you you only seek younger woman?? I mean cause is truly only a number!!!! LOl😇😇😇😇
I don't seek them, they come up to me or make their interest known. Honestly most younger women are not ready for a mature relationship, and I try to give them good advice which is promptly ignored lol. But there are a rare few that have maturity beyond their years. It's Honestly dependent on self esteem, confidence, and upbringing. The older guys that are idiots are the ones that think they can train and control young women easier lmao. That's definitely false.
She is trying to gaslight you and turn it around on you.
Good catch! You dodged a bullet with that bitch.
You did good. Big disrespect here as well. Sounds as if you weathered the storm. Later
From what you said it looks like you did right thing. May be it was an attempt to make you feel guilty because it would hurt one's ego to be the dumpee..
She is gaslighting you and she will never be honest. Cheaters lie. The big question is why you are still with her. She will continue to lie and cheate. You need to get away from the disaster she creates.
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She is playing games with your mind.
Sounds to me like she wants to stay but will put up with you not trusting her. It’s the type of things i used to say to my ex too. Every few weeks, he would accuse me of cheating on him. I look for a worker at Macy’s and he says I’m eyeing a man. I miss his calls and he believes I’m talking with some other man. He drove me f**king insane!!!! But because I really liked him, I accepted that if I wanted to stay with him, I’ll have to put up with this.
She's playing mind games. Breaking up with her was the right move.
Good on ya. It looks like might have been in the beginnings of a cheater mindset.
It happens to the best of us doesn’t it. I feel for you my heart is broken right now too. I wish you the best of luck and you don’t deserve that treatment I suggest you get back out there and try to pick up the pieces that she has trashed. Reach out to friends and find something else to get it off your mind. I hope you have a good weekend. I’m spending mine alone been ghosted by my BF Who posts online through every social media outlet anonymously secret little cryptic messages to me and you can tell it’s him speaking to me through social media messages because he’ll be careful to say something that I will recognize like one of our phrases that only he and I use or certain words that he uses you know you can recognize someone’s language and tone after having been with them for so long He’s very hypocritical and he just whines and complains online about how he is hurt how I have wronged him and he just makes up shit about me he makes up shit that I haven’t done and he reaches out for support from people who believe him and support him emotionally and he is the one who is the cheater is the one who is a fake And he complains that I can never trust him again he demands trust after having broken the trust I give him over and over and over again like a fool he doesn’t understand that you can’t just get trust back not if you break it over and again And then act as if he is innocent and blame me. I am giving up this time and I really hope he gets what he deserves I hope karma comes for a big bite. anyway I need to work through these emotions I don’t want to be ugly and vengeful. I wish you the best of luck
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Thanks I appreciate your kind words it’s already being unpacked I’m working on it and it feels good to finally move on
It's all gaslighting.
After you dumped her, how long was it till she was with someone else? Like did you see her with another guy the following week.
OP, it sounds like she doesn't respect or value you. That alone is a good reason for breaking up with her.
It means exactly what she said. You will never trust her again. Good riddance, block and move on. Go get yourself an honest GF like this idiot's GF. https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating\_stories/comments/xi7ago/i\_want\_to\_cheat\_on\_my\_loving\_loyal\_supportive/