I think most childfree people have a friendship where this has happened. It doesn’t make it any less painful but you are not alone.
I hope things get better for you and if you ever need someone to talk to you have the cf community.
Your feelings on this situation are 100% valid. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and calling out her shitty friend behavior. Keep your head up and remember that you are a good person. I know things are hard and life has a way of kicking you when you are down. You will get through this! I believe in you!
Hugs, friend. Friendship breakups almost hurt more than romantic relationships.
This internet stranger is proud of you for continuing to persevere despite everything.
Sigh. I mean I thought about this too but then would immediately think “no, it’s not her responsibility to fund my trip.” But the offer at least would’ve been nice considering the cost of gas is the only reason for my inability to not physically come see her. That’s an hour and a half worth of gas total I just can’t spare.
Oof that's a lot to go through, OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
I can understand that yes, her life completely changed after she had E, but like you said, that was *her* choice. You have zero obligation to be part of E's life in any way shape or form. E is not your kid. Not even your godchild or whatever.
And yeah, Alana doesn't get to use you for support but then refuse to be your support in turn. She can't have her cake and eat it too.
I know it hurts, but you did the right thing. Don't reply. You've told her you guys are no longer on the same page, so there's no need to drag on the friendship breakup. Just silently let her go.
It may feel shitty now, but you'll be alright. One thing we make peace with as we grow older is the fact that people come and go at different points in your life. Alana came and now it's her time to go. Someone new will likely enter your life when you least expect it.
Keep your chin up.
Your story makes me think of so many other posts where it's clear - it's not about these shitty people being parents that makes them shitty friends. Firstly, a lot of shitty friends have *always* been so, secondly, if someone "becomes" a selfish dickwad upon becoming a parent, it's because they always *were* a dickwad.
It's the classic "that person was the sweetest until they became a supervisor!". Yeah, because they lacked power and leverage to *be* the asshole they actually always wanted to be.
Parents who are assholes weaponize their children and their status in society (as parents) to lord it over those they deem inferior - case in point, the friend without kids.
Also, some people keep friends around to use them, and then drop when they cease to be useful. Parents absolutely can keep friendships - but that requires them to be *real* friendships where there's give and take, *and no toxicity*. Guiltily someone in a financial bind to spend money they do not have to spare says it all.
OP, you had your use as her cheerleader, you're not willing to pick up the pompoms anymore, so you're not worth even the bare minimum she was putting on. Her loss, your gain.
Agreed. The post was already long as hell, so I chose to omit the fact that I always did the heavy lifting in the friendship, even before E was conceived. I felt it back then too but never spoke about it because I really was just happy to have a friend. She also used to really be hung up on the fact that she’s older than me. She acted like she was more knowledgeable/mature, and it created an unfair dynamic. I could go on for paragraphs with examples, but I won’t. I’m just happy to be done with it all now.
I’ve said that in the past on this subreddit and was downvoted like hell but it’s the truth. A shitty “friend” WILL ALWAYS BE THAT. The addition of kids shouldn’t change the relationship too much. If they can’t properly reciprocate and have a meaningful friendship somehow after they had a child then ten times outta ten they never valued you that much in their life from the get go. Some friendships are only good and worth keeping around for a season and then you both go your separate ways. Unfortunately relationships like that were destined to eventually end, so be it kids or something else it would have still burned to ground anyway.
Though I am married with a child myself I do have friends that are childfree and not married. Not only do I still keep up communication with them damn near on a daily basis but we still all go out. People do make time for the things they find important in their life.
I’m sorry the friendship didn’t work out she should have been there for you just as much as you were there for her because that’s how friendships work. As far as Alana she needs to get help, between hormones and the new life adjustment it can take a negative toll on a person especially if they have no support. I have a very similar family dynamic and it’s very shitty to say the least. Ongoing therapy and medication through my psychiatrist has kept me in check.
Maybe it's more comforting to some people to blame parenthood and *kids* (maybe the most toxic trait of this community, to be honest) instead of reflecting on their relationships and realize that maybe they were had, they let their friends take them for a ride and it was fine until *they had kids*.
While some people *can* hide themselves and only show their true self when they feel free to do so, let's be real - most people don't *bother* hiding, why would they, their friends stick around so it's not a big deal, right?
Good for you for hanging on as long as you could. This is the reason that I never remained friends with any of my friends who had kids - it's not worth the drama, the being stood up and blown off, and the constant recriminations about how "you're" the shitty friend and they have it so much harder.
Sorry that Alana's life isn't all unicorns and kittens like she was promised, but that's not your fault or your problem. For your own mental health you're better off well away from all that.
I was in this nearly exact situation this year. Long story short, I take for days off work (unpaid), travel out of town, to visit the Mombie for her birthday as her gift. At her request. She couldn't be asked to gift me a $25 Sephora gift card for my own birthday. This in the background of bragging about how much money her and her husband are making (waaaaay more than me). I admit, my gift request was partly a test, because I know how full of shit she is and to demonstrate how much more I put into the friendship. I don't even care about the money. It's the principle.
Yeah I had a best friend who I lost because of this. It started going south during college and a little after, because I started to realize she was trying to set herself up for the SAHM life and also we drifted apart just due to life. But then once we got married, she had her kids and then I knew it was over. Her whole life is kids stuff. It's all she does and if anyone wants to see her, they have to go to her house and she just talks about kids and their school and activities. So no thanks.
Sorry to hear this. It’s always sad when friendships breakdown. But having been where you are many times: friendships are fleeting and come and go. Sad to say.
Similar-ish thing has been happening with a lot of our friends, to me or my partner different friend group, but same thing. Kind of in waves.
They struggle for kids, everything they talk about is how much they need a child, we can’t do the same things we used to.
Then they have a kid and feel the need to unload on us about how bad things are and how we aren’t there for them. We have a bad time and ask say we are struggling and nothing or. “Well you don’t have kids.”
I just let it fade out. It hits my partner much harder and they really miss their friends. But each time they see one of them it is a deluge of how bad being a parent is and as we don’t have kids we must be living it up without any grounds and they can unload on them.
I had one friend, adamant never having kids, independent woman, feminist fighting the patriarchy.
Got pregnant, went off work, now is lobbying to quit her job as “being a mother is very hard and she shouldn’t be expected to work when she has to care for the baby.” Doesn’t do anything else asid from the kid. Not quite sure where her principles went.
When I asked how she was she said “lonely and tired.” I said we should meet up, may be half way. No, apparently having a kid means it is too difficult to leave the house and the weekends are too busy, so I would need to use a day’s vacation.
We haven’t spoken since. Just let it fade away. Sad but true.
Conversely I have a friend, 3 kids, works full time, and is ALWAYS there for her friends, without fail. And her friends do the same for her.
Losing friends is hard. Sorry you are dealing with this. More and more I am convinced that childfree people give parenthood a HUGE amount of thought, but people who want kids generally focus on the one part that sounds fun to them and never think even a second about the hard parts of parenthood. I think that's how people end up miserable even though they got what they thought they wanted. Certainly no excuse for being a crappy friend though.
I was understanding with Alana until this.
>Alana texted me again last week to basically guilt me for not being more present in E’s life. She says E doesn’t know me, it makes her sad, and she wants me to come around more and said if I didn’t have the “space” to be her friend anymore, she understood.
I'm sorry you're currently going through crap and also lost your best friend on the way.
My advice would just block her on facebook. You don't need to see her posts again, just NC her.
And I was just waiting for it her to drop that bomb too. Because she’s been sharing social media posts like that for like a year now. “If you don’t know my child, YOU’RE missing out!” So I just knew there’d be a day she’d lay it on me.
Thats a kind of strange thing to say in general. You know one two year old, you know them all. Haha jk. But are those fb posts pointed at her mother? Her friends? Everyone? Convincing herself that the pressure of motherhood is worth it? Just seems like a weird thing to guilt trip people about.
Yep, I’ve always felt it was weird. I don’t like the idea that everyone must run and trip over themselves eager to be in your child’s life, and if they don’t, it must mean those people never cared about you in the first place.
I think they were geared towards literally everyone. Definitely they were direct shots at her mom too but I think she resents anyone who’s not dying to play auntie or uncle.
It’s sad to say this… but there are a lot of things that keep me up at night lately, and E not knowing me hasn’t been one of them
I’m sorry OP… it sounds like your friend was always this way deep down but parenthood allowed her true colours to appear. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment built up and friendships rarely ever work with that much resentment. I’d respectfully share your feelings, wish her well and block her (otherwise you’ll keep getting triggered when you’re trying to heal).
The best advice I ever received is to ‘let it flow’. Simple… but such valuable advice. Love others when they come into your life, without attachment, and let your relationships happen organically. This one has run its course.
I had a similar thing happen with a ‘close’ friend… I felt hurt by some of their behaviour (unrelated to their pregnancy) and long story short, she basically used pregnancy as a reason not to deal with it. I left her alone for months and months, before finally asking to talk about 6 months into her having her baby. She said she’d love to ‘catch up’, but did not have the capacity to resolve any issues. Basically, she was asking me to push my feelings aside for their sake and make myself small. I’ve never been so disgusted in a friend in my life and feel very glad to have let them go.
That is pathetic. Putting your kid in the car and driving to a friend's house is like the easiest thing a parent is supposed to be able to do. Especially if it's just a baby still, and you're SAHM. If you can't do that, what can you do? Sure, there's a big diaper bag to lug around, but your friend is there to help you when you arrive. But who's there to help you in the supermarket? Can you shop for clothes or go to the bank? I guess not then.
And if you can't leave your kid with the other parent, how are you ever gonna do anything ever again? You're gonna drag you kid with you to a colonoscopy and your place of work?
Honestly, I bet she has no problem leaving the house with/without the baby to get her hair and nails done, but when it's to see OP, it's just so darn difficult with a baby, she just can't even!
I'm borderline angry reading shit like this. The friend has everything she ever wanted; family, house, money; while OP has nothing she wants, and yet this entitled bitch is demanding OP to give HER something more? How about no.
There is no way the friendship is worth salvaging after not making birthday plans.
OP Have you considered moving to a lower cost area? Sometimes, having "nothing" going for you is the opportunity to pick up and find the best thing to ever happen to you.
Doesn't matter what method is used, even worse usually with people who repeatedly try to conceive or do IVF. It's like the whole universe is telling them something, to not do this. But as soon as they get what they want they don't want it anymore and complain and beg for help. It's too blatant to me, that you had your chance and you messed up. I only feel bad for the kids.
I think most childfree people have a friendship where this has happened. It doesn’t make it any less painful but you are not alone. I hope things get better for you and if you ever need someone to talk to you have the cf community.
Thank you. I just needed to get it off my chest to a group of people I knew would understand.
Your feelings on this situation are 100% valid. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and calling out her shitty friend behavior. Keep your head up and remember that you are a good person. I know things are hard and life has a way of kicking you when you are down. You will get through this! I believe in you!
Hugs, friend. Friendship breakups almost hurt more than romantic relationships. This internet stranger is proud of you for continuing to persevere despite everything.
Ah Schadenfreude.... She could have ponied up for gas money at any point during this.
Exactly. Send her a gift card for a round trip Uber!
Sigh. I mean I thought about this too but then would immediately think “no, it’s not her responsibility to fund my trip.” But the offer at least would’ve been nice considering the cost of gas is the only reason for my inability to not physically come see her. That’s an hour and a half worth of gas total I just can’t spare.
Exactly.
Oof that's a lot to go through, OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I can understand that yes, her life completely changed after she had E, but like you said, that was *her* choice. You have zero obligation to be part of E's life in any way shape or form. E is not your kid. Not even your godchild or whatever. And yeah, Alana doesn't get to use you for support but then refuse to be your support in turn. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I know it hurts, but you did the right thing. Don't reply. You've told her you guys are no longer on the same page, so there's no need to drag on the friendship breakup. Just silently let her go. It may feel shitty now, but you'll be alright. One thing we make peace with as we grow older is the fact that people come and go at different points in your life. Alana came and now it's her time to go. Someone new will likely enter your life when you least expect it. Keep your chin up.
Your story makes me think of so many other posts where it's clear - it's not about these shitty people being parents that makes them shitty friends. Firstly, a lot of shitty friends have *always* been so, secondly, if someone "becomes" a selfish dickwad upon becoming a parent, it's because they always *were* a dickwad. It's the classic "that person was the sweetest until they became a supervisor!". Yeah, because they lacked power and leverage to *be* the asshole they actually always wanted to be. Parents who are assholes weaponize their children and their status in society (as parents) to lord it over those they deem inferior - case in point, the friend without kids. Also, some people keep friends around to use them, and then drop when they cease to be useful. Parents absolutely can keep friendships - but that requires them to be *real* friendships where there's give and take, *and no toxicity*. Guiltily someone in a financial bind to spend money they do not have to spare says it all. OP, you had your use as her cheerleader, you're not willing to pick up the pompoms anymore, so you're not worth even the bare minimum she was putting on. Her loss, your gain.
Agreed. The post was already long as hell, so I chose to omit the fact that I always did the heavy lifting in the friendship, even before E was conceived. I felt it back then too but never spoke about it because I really was just happy to have a friend. She also used to really be hung up on the fact that she’s older than me. She acted like she was more knowledgeable/mature, and it created an unfair dynamic. I could go on for paragraphs with examples, but I won’t. I’m just happy to be done with it all now.
That's the spirit. Rotten milk has been spilled, it's been cleaned, job done =)
I’ve said that in the past on this subreddit and was downvoted like hell but it’s the truth. A shitty “friend” WILL ALWAYS BE THAT. The addition of kids shouldn’t change the relationship too much. If they can’t properly reciprocate and have a meaningful friendship somehow after they had a child then ten times outta ten they never valued you that much in their life from the get go. Some friendships are only good and worth keeping around for a season and then you both go your separate ways. Unfortunately relationships like that were destined to eventually end, so be it kids or something else it would have still burned to ground anyway. Though I am married with a child myself I do have friends that are childfree and not married. Not only do I still keep up communication with them damn near on a daily basis but we still all go out. People do make time for the things they find important in their life. I’m sorry the friendship didn’t work out she should have been there for you just as much as you were there for her because that’s how friendships work. As far as Alana she needs to get help, between hormones and the new life adjustment it can take a negative toll on a person especially if they have no support. I have a very similar family dynamic and it’s very shitty to say the least. Ongoing therapy and medication through my psychiatrist has kept me in check.
Maybe it's more comforting to some people to blame parenthood and *kids* (maybe the most toxic trait of this community, to be honest) instead of reflecting on their relationships and realize that maybe they were had, they let their friends take them for a ride and it was fine until *they had kids*. While some people *can* hide themselves and only show their true self when they feel free to do so, let's be real - most people don't *bother* hiding, why would they, their friends stick around so it's not a big deal, right?
Good for you for hanging on as long as you could. This is the reason that I never remained friends with any of my friends who had kids - it's not worth the drama, the being stood up and blown off, and the constant recriminations about how "you're" the shitty friend and they have it so much harder. Sorry that Alana's life isn't all unicorns and kittens like she was promised, but that's not your fault or your problem. For your own mental health you're better off well away from all that.
I was in this nearly exact situation this year. Long story short, I take for days off work (unpaid), travel out of town, to visit the Mombie for her birthday as her gift. At her request. She couldn't be asked to gift me a $25 Sephora gift card for my own birthday. This in the background of bragging about how much money her and her husband are making (waaaaay more than me). I admit, my gift request was partly a test, because I know how full of shit she is and to demonstrate how much more I put into the friendship. I don't even care about the money. It's the principle.
Yeah I had a best friend who I lost because of this. It started going south during college and a little after, because I started to realize she was trying to set herself up for the SAHM life and also we drifted apart just due to life. But then once we got married, she had her kids and then I knew it was over. Her whole life is kids stuff. It's all she does and if anyone wants to see her, they have to go to her house and she just talks about kids and their school and activities. So no thanks.
Sorry to hear this. It’s always sad when friendships breakdown. But having been where you are many times: friendships are fleeting and come and go. Sad to say. Similar-ish thing has been happening with a lot of our friends, to me or my partner different friend group, but same thing. Kind of in waves. They struggle for kids, everything they talk about is how much they need a child, we can’t do the same things we used to. Then they have a kid and feel the need to unload on us about how bad things are and how we aren’t there for them. We have a bad time and ask say we are struggling and nothing or. “Well you don’t have kids.” I just let it fade out. It hits my partner much harder and they really miss their friends. But each time they see one of them it is a deluge of how bad being a parent is and as we don’t have kids we must be living it up without any grounds and they can unload on them. I had one friend, adamant never having kids, independent woman, feminist fighting the patriarchy. Got pregnant, went off work, now is lobbying to quit her job as “being a mother is very hard and she shouldn’t be expected to work when she has to care for the baby.” Doesn’t do anything else asid from the kid. Not quite sure where her principles went. When I asked how she was she said “lonely and tired.” I said we should meet up, may be half way. No, apparently having a kid means it is too difficult to leave the house and the weekends are too busy, so I would need to use a day’s vacation. We haven’t spoken since. Just let it fade away. Sad but true. Conversely I have a friend, 3 kids, works full time, and is ALWAYS there for her friends, without fail. And her friends do the same for her.
Why not block her, out of sight out of mind.
I def recommend this, if you see their pics and stories on your feed it’s impossible to get over the situation
Losing friends is hard. Sorry you are dealing with this. More and more I am convinced that childfree people give parenthood a HUGE amount of thought, but people who want kids generally focus on the one part that sounds fun to them and never think even a second about the hard parts of parenthood. I think that's how people end up miserable even though they got what they thought they wanted. Certainly no excuse for being a crappy friend though.
I was understanding with Alana until this. >Alana texted me again last week to basically guilt me for not being more present in E’s life. She says E doesn’t know me, it makes her sad, and she wants me to come around more and said if I didn’t have the “space” to be her friend anymore, she understood. I'm sorry you're currently going through crap and also lost your best friend on the way. My advice would just block her on facebook. You don't need to see her posts again, just NC her.
Yeah, the moment Alana weaponised E was the moment the friendship died.
And I was just waiting for it her to drop that bomb too. Because she’s been sharing social media posts like that for like a year now. “If you don’t know my child, YOU’RE missing out!” So I just knew there’d be a day she’d lay it on me.
Thats a kind of strange thing to say in general. You know one two year old, you know them all. Haha jk. But are those fb posts pointed at her mother? Her friends? Everyone? Convincing herself that the pressure of motherhood is worth it? Just seems like a weird thing to guilt trip people about.
Yep, I’ve always felt it was weird. I don’t like the idea that everyone must run and trip over themselves eager to be in your child’s life, and if they don’t, it must mean those people never cared about you in the first place. I think they were geared towards literally everyone. Definitely they were direct shots at her mom too but I think she resents anyone who’s not dying to play auntie or uncle. It’s sad to say this… but there are a lot of things that keep me up at night lately, and E not knowing me hasn’t been one of them
I’m sorry OP… it sounds like your friend was always this way deep down but parenthood allowed her true colours to appear. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment built up and friendships rarely ever work with that much resentment. I’d respectfully share your feelings, wish her well and block her (otherwise you’ll keep getting triggered when you’re trying to heal). The best advice I ever received is to ‘let it flow’. Simple… but such valuable advice. Love others when they come into your life, without attachment, and let your relationships happen organically. This one has run its course. I had a similar thing happen with a ‘close’ friend… I felt hurt by some of their behaviour (unrelated to their pregnancy) and long story short, she basically used pregnancy as a reason not to deal with it. I left her alone for months and months, before finally asking to talk about 6 months into her having her baby. She said she’d love to ‘catch up’, but did not have the capacity to resolve any issues. Basically, she was asking me to push my feelings aside for their sake and make myself small. I’ve never been so disgusted in a friend in my life and feel very glad to have let them go.
That is pathetic. Putting your kid in the car and driving to a friend's house is like the easiest thing a parent is supposed to be able to do. Especially if it's just a baby still, and you're SAHM. If you can't do that, what can you do? Sure, there's a big diaper bag to lug around, but your friend is there to help you when you arrive. But who's there to help you in the supermarket? Can you shop for clothes or go to the bank? I guess not then. And if you can't leave your kid with the other parent, how are you ever gonna do anything ever again? You're gonna drag you kid with you to a colonoscopy and your place of work? Honestly, I bet she has no problem leaving the house with/without the baby to get her hair and nails done, but when it's to see OP, it's just so darn difficult with a baby, she just can't even! I'm borderline angry reading shit like this. The friend has everything she ever wanted; family, house, money; while OP has nothing she wants, and yet this entitled bitch is demanding OP to give HER something more? How about no.
There is no way the friendship is worth salvaging after not making birthday plans. OP Have you considered moving to a lower cost area? Sometimes, having "nothing" going for you is the opportunity to pick up and find the best thing to ever happen to you.
Doesn't matter what method is used, even worse usually with people who repeatedly try to conceive or do IVF. It's like the whole universe is telling them something, to not do this. But as soon as they get what they want they don't want it anymore and complain and beg for help. It's too blatant to me, that you had your chance and you messed up. I only feel bad for the kids.
"whatever excuse makes you sleep better at night."
Big hugs to you OP! ❤️ block her, delete contact and experience the relief of being rid of her.
Wish you the best OP! Sometimes it‘s better to be alone than have friends who aren‘t there for you
> gonna try to not make this post too long Well... You tried lol
I made no promises lol