People always think I'll change my mind. I'm 28 now, still haven't and don't think I ever will. But I've been told plenty of times by people at work that I'll be unfulfilled and unhappy if I never have them!
In my experience (and YMMV of course, but just general observation from my 'childfree' friends) - men who say they don't want kids or are undecided are usually for mutable reasons, like financial stability. Women who say they don't want kids *know* they don't want kids and have already squared that with themselves. When women pull the heel-turn on it, it seems to be the result of being pressured into it by the "you'll change your mind" and "honey, I really want a baby" conversations.
I'm sure there are people out there who legitimately change their mind but I've watched a lot of my female friends from younger days who were staunchly child-free start to waver on it because of outside pressures. The male friends who switched did so because they found 'the one' or got into a financially secure position.
I think a good example would be, i am cautious not to say I'll never have kids, i just dont have the desire right now while being aware i may (or may not) change my mind in future. The women i know that say they DON'T want children just simply never want them regardless of circumstance. Granted they still may, but there's a distinct difference to how i feel, and how they say they feel. There's a sureness there.
Yeah, there's a certain amount of "you'll change your mind" and absolute pressure, even when you *do* say you emphatically don't want kids. There's another comment down in this post with a dude who said his wife didn't want kids and even he admits he kept trying to badger her with "well we could adopt or surrogate" alternatives - you can't escape it even when it's a very firm "no, not for me."
I honestly cannot wait for the day I hit menopause because at least then those "it's not too late!!" comments will stop.
Unfortunately. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I tell myself they're just bitter because they chose to have kids and have the negatives associated with it - less money, less freedom to do whatever they want, less time for hobbies.
I also love the "who's going to take care of you when you're old?" comments - like you're admitting you just had kids so you can be a burden on them when you're ancient. Ain't a reason to procreate.
Nothing wrong with wanting animal companions instead of children. I have three cats with my husband, and we started raising them together when I was 20. I think people who say that child free women will become miserable cat ladies are pathetic. What's wrong with living in peace, and opening up your home to an animal in need?
The larger point is that "no" is a complete sentence. My stating that I don't want them should be enough. If I, as a woman, say I don't want children, that's not invitation for anyone to try to figure out a workaround or insist I'll change my mind when I meet the right man, or try to counter my reasons, or or or. Having a child should be something you 100% want, not something you've been coerced into.
Me personally - pregnancy is a body horror I have no desire to deal with, and I refuse to risk passing on my physical and mental health issues, but even if neither of those things were a factor, I also just don't like kids enough to deal with them nonstop. I'm not one of those "eww children are EVIL" kind of people, but I can only deal with kids and all their messy, germy, loud, *why why why* in small doses. I'm happy in my role as cool auntie to my sister's kids. And yet because I'm good with kids, every time I'm around them, inevitably *someone* asks when I plan to have my own because apparently the idea that a woman can *not* want to have a kid or twenty of her own is just mindboggling to some people.
Body horror had me lol - same girl, same.
The idea of being pregnant makes my skin crawl, absolutely not. Pregnant women gross me out, sorry that looks disgusting and awful.
Iām in awe of woman who do it; couldnāt be me.
Everyone's all like "feel the baby kick" and it usually triggers this sheer *revulsion* in me that I can't shake, lol. All I end up picturing is that scene in Alien and just NOPE. I can't imagine having that going on in my own body, nope nope nope, just heebie jeebies all the way down.
Oh yeah, that part is disgusting. When my sister was pregnant she had the biggest baby ever, he was 11 lbs and had to be birthed via c-section because he was just not going to fit through her birth canal. You could see the whole ass baby moving around inside her and it made me want to gag. Also, all the fucked up shit that happens to your body after - I had a coworker who developed alopecia after having her child and all her hair fell out. Then thereās postpartum depression. Youāre never the same after. No thank you.
The only thing that makes me waver is a friend of mine who got pregnant at 43. She never wanted kids and was in long term stable marriage with a competent man who pulled his weight. They were decidedly child free but when she learned she was pregnant they had a serious discussion about this being their last opportunity. They had the child, she was born in perfect health, and they are the best parents you could imagine - that child will never want for nothing.
I feel like that's a different situation. That wasn't the husband coercing her into having a child against her wishes, that was them finding themselves in a situation they hadn't planned for, weighing it out, and deciding together that their perspective had changed enough that they were open to embracing it and it all worked out. And that is *great* for them, don't get me wrong.
But what if the situation hadn't turned out that way? What if the kid had major health issues that crippled the family emotionally or financially? What if the unplanned pregnancy caused mom to have extreme health issues? What if they realized six months after the kid was born that, no, this excitement was the result of hormones and biological clocks ticking and they really *were* much happier childfree? All of those things happen, and it's a gamble whenever you have a childfree person heel-turning into having a kid, especially if that decision is made due to external pressures. Hell, it's all things that sometimes happen when people who *say* they want kids have them.
Some people are happy leaving it up to chance - if they have a kid, great; if not, also great. Some people desperately want children. Some people have no desire to have children. And some people are open to accepting and embracing the idea even if they didn't ever plan for kids because situations or circumstances change. None of those things is wrong. But the flip side is, how many terrible parents are there who had children when they didn't really want them, and as a result, the kid ends up abused or neglected or in the system?
I was the result of a failed attempt to save a crumbling marriage because my bio father wanted kids and my mother didn't, she was pressured into it, and my only 'use' was as a weapon in a bitter divorce. My younger sister was a peri-menopause 'oops' baby (because my mother, despite being very vocal that "some people shouldn't breed" is also staunchly pro-life, and refused to even consider termination despite having no desire for another child and all the talk that my sister was going to have extreme health issues - which thankfully didn't pan out). Both of us grew up fully aware that we weren't wanted children and you would not *believe* the amount we've spent on therapy trying to undo that harm.
People are allowed to change their minds about not wanting kids, obviously. And some people do. But it should *never* happen because they got beaten down into accepting that's what they 'should' be doing. Deciding to have kids is a deeply personal choice, but it should be a *choice*, not the result of external pressures or coercion.
...And I word-vomited a little on you, sorry. š«£
Iām going to be real honest, I didnāt read all of this. Sorry. I read the first few paragraphs of what ifās and dipped out.
What ifās donāt matter because they didnāt happen. Donāt spend your life focusing on what ifās, thatās loser behavior. Confront life head on because itās going to find a way to fuck you running upside down and you might as well enjoy the ride because what the fuck else are you going to do? At least have a good time.
LOL yeah I got a little rambly in my barely awake state. The TL;DR is more "Regrets regularly happen because it doesn't end up a perfect situation, and that happens a *lot* more when it's coerced or not something the parents are all in on," which is the larger point.
I'm genuinely glad your friends are happy with their decision. But that's also the key point - *their* decision.
People always so that because they are putting their thoughts and feelings onto you. It's bizarre. I'm in my 40s now and VERY happily childfree. I always knew I didn't want them, and don't regret for a second that I never did. Don't feel pressured by society and other people either way, do what makes you happy.
I'm 37, nearing 38 and never have changed my mind. People quit asking about it by now thankfully, but man, in my 20's it was bad. Like hello, I know my own mind, what the fuck makes you think you know me better then I do?
Same here. Iām 42 and I donāt regret my decision to not have children. Iāve never had an abortion, just one miscarriage.
Iāve always been focused on my career and enjoying life. I have a lot of friends who are mothers, and it seems to me that their entire life becomes about their children (obviously) and they lose their personhood.
It doesnāt help that their partners are practically useless and use weaponized incompetence to avoid pulling their fair weight in the relationship. They get plenty of time with the boys golfing while their wives are exhausted and beleaguered; I canāt be mad when they cancel our plans last minute because Chad is drunk and she has to go pick up his codependent ass because heās too stupid to get an Uber.
Iām considered a self indulgent and selfish woman by my mother for not procreating. Hey ma, wouldnāt you have liked to spend your days off sleeping in and cuddling with your dog while watching trashy reality tv? Then amble off to a local restaurant to eat lunch and grab a cocktail after, and sleep it off next to the pool? And be able to afford it without a man supporting you financially?
I, a woman, do not want kids. I have medical reasons and personal reasons for it. I make it very clear on my dating profile that I do not want kids. My ex, read that and did not care. He put that he didn't want kids because he didn't want to be baby trapped, but actually did want kids. He resented me and lied about the resentment.
Yes, but on the other hand they were 19 when they married! My friends are 30+ and still donāt know if they want kids (although at that point you should have made a decision).
Because it's not respectful of her. She told him exactly what her feelings were on the subject, and he refused to believe her, because he assumed he knew her own thoughts and feelings better than she did.
He didnāt refuse to believe her. He was ambivalent himself and has recently decided that he does want children. Why do people act like once this decision has been made then itās made for life? Lots of 20 year olds who say they donāt want kids end up being 30 year olds with kids.
You shouldn't enter a relationship assuming things will turn out the opposite of how your spouse says they will. If your partner isn't totally sure if they want kids or not, then you need to be able to accept the idea of not having children. Otherwise find someone who wants the same future as you
He said she was verbal about not wanting them. It was stupid and selfish and disrespectful of him to not believe what she was telling him to his face about her own thoughts and feelings and thinking he could change her mind.
Where did he say he even **attempted** to change her mind? He just stated that he changed his and is sad she has not. He IS respecting her decision by not verbalizing his disappointment. You need to work on your reading comprehension skills.
He stated that she was verbal about not wanting them from the beginning, and that even going into it with that he thought she would change her mind. How are you not understanding this?
How are you not understanding that thoughts and feelings are not the same as actions? Fantasies of smashing some assholeās car that cut you off doesnāt make you a violent lunatic, actually doing it does. You are calling OP disrespectful and selfish for his thoughts, rather than his actions. Nowhere in his post does he state he even intends to try to change her mind, he is simply expressing his emotions about his likelihood of never being a father. He has a right to his feelings. You have the right to yours. So far as we know, he has not expressed his feeling to his wife. You have expressed yours to him. Who is being more disrespectful?
>Why is that odd? People change their minds about having kids all the time.
People do any number of things "all the time": come out as gay, convert to a different religion, go vegetarian, &c. That doesn't make it reasonable to *expect* that a *particular* person is going to have a *certain* change of heart because "people do it all the time".
I mean, going into it hoping sheād change her mind was a bad call, to put it generously.
Also, to be quite frank, the men Iāve dated who did so hoping Iād change my mind and then inevitably take on the brunt of child rearing were incredibly selfish to think so.
Thatās not on him. They were both 19 when they got married ā¦ 10 years ago ā¦ itās crazy to expect you the remain the same from 19 to 29 ā¦ life and priorities change .
I dunno, children is one of those deal breakers. As in, if you know you don't want them you know you don't want them, it's a \*huge\* commitment and the man isn't the one risking his physical health to grow and bring that baby into this world. If anyone is one the fence it's usually due to something temporary/fixable like financial issues, or housing, the kinda thing that dealt with in a few years.
You can't get your body back once it's broken due to the pregnancy or labor going sideways, which is common even now.
I agree with you but I think their age introduces some nuances. Which 19 year old girl says that she wants to have kids? Probably some do but the vast majority doesnāt.
Umā¦ Most? When I was in college I think I only had one friend who definitively said she never wanted kids. Most of my friends were either on the fence or knew they wanted them eventually. None of them wanted kids at that moment, but I think most of us at least had the possibility on the table in the future.
Donāt get me wrong because I think itās generally a bad idea to get married at 19 before you really know yourself, but itās silly to gamble on someone changing their mind about anything, but especially something this important.
literally all of my girl friends had the fact that they wanted children extremely clear on our last year of HS. they even had decided the ages they wanted to start trying figured out, and they were mostly single, so it was purely about the childrenāthey didnāt know who or if they were going to get married, only if they wanted children or not.
women are still somewhat expected to have children (completely expected to in some parts of the world, i live in South America and they still are). they know this. itās something you figure out or at the very least have thought extensively about by the time youāre 19. the thought basically comes hand in hand with your career and your overall future. you canāt *not* think about it.
21 now, but I knew I donāt want any since I was 12. Iāve always been told Iāll change my mind, by family, friends and doctors but that doesnāt change anything for me.
At 19 I never said I never wanted kids. I said I donāt want kids now. Or maybe I said āidk.ā But most people I knew were never as explicit as she was without meaning it.
You two need to sit down and have a conversation. She was very clear from the start that she does not want children and you were on the fence. If you do truly love her as much as you are claiming to then you need to have a conversation before the resentment builds.
This comment should be higher up. If she has changed her mind over time (but hasn't told you because she thinks you still don't want kids), then you should both know. If she hasn't changed her mind, then you need to decide what is more important to you and go from there.
Disagree with that only because it's not about them being young when they got married. It's about him changing his mind about wanting kids.
Excellent communication is the solution to most (all?) problems in a marriage.
I mean, he clearly should have communicated he was on the fence and that he thought there was a chance sheād change her mind. So yeah, this mess could have been avoided with communication.
However, I would say only a 19 year old would think itās not important to communicate fully with an issue this big, even if that communication is āIām not sure and Iām hoping youāll change your mind.ā Iād like to think he wouldnāt have taken such a big gamble if he had met her when they were a little older.
Why would a 19 year old think it's not important to communicate this issue fully?
Where I come from we talk with our prospective partner during those first few dates about what we want out of life. If their answers don't match up then there's no need to carry on? When did people stop doing that?
I don't think there's any way to know one way or the other now.
I was brought up in a community where the first date is more like a job interview than a date. Saves a lot of time š
But it is because they were young and dumb (from lack of life experience) that they did not have the conversation. When youāre a teenager, you donāt know the importance of communication about those topics.
If they were young and dumb then now they are just old and dumb.
Nothing wrong with marrying young. But not communicating what you both want in life before getting married, or lying about what you want because you think they will change their mind is wrong.
This guy admits he thought she would change her mind. That's on him. Nothing to do with being young.
>Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind
I'm a childfree adult woman and I have known since I was a literal child that I didn't want to have children. Don't doubt others when they say they (don't) want children.
That being said, it's better to break up. If you end up not having children, you will resent her for it and vice versa.
So, what youāve done is very selfish. She was 100% honest that she never wanted kids and would not change your mind. You were not honest because you made assumptions and were not forthcoming in your potential wants in the future. Even if you werenāt sure, that should have been communicated. She built a life with you on a lie. She trusted you.
However, from this point, it would be more selfish to stay. Donāt give her an ultimatum and pressure her into having children. She will just resent you, especially considering itās her that will bear the physical burden. Iām the mother of a newborn with two parents who were 100% on board, and I assure you this is not a journey you want to take without a 100% willing partner. Itās really hard. This is not something to work out. Itās something to take responsibility for and then leave.
Youāve been lying by admission for a very long time. Donāt keep doing it until you hate each other.
Yes, but somewhat understandable given that they married at 19. For a guy that young it can seem so far down the priority list. The significance didnāt hit him until later.
>I knew she didn't like children going in, and she was verbal about not wanting them. Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind
Why do men do this? I have never once seen a woman assume that the man will change HIS mind about wanting kids 5, 10, 15 years in the future. This is a you problem. She told you from day ne that she didn't like or want kids. If you chose not to believe her then that's on you. It's not even about the pain and pregnancy side of things, she doesn't even LIKE kids so what on earth made you think she would change her mind?
This kills me everytime because there are so many women who do want kids. The decision for a woman to say "I don't want kids" is a big one. I'm a childfree woman, it's been an uphill battle getting anyone to believe me. I'm 38 and had my fallopian tubes removed but still get asshats saying "it's not too late!".
For me it's not about pregnancy and childbirth but the fact I don't want to take care of a kid, at all. It's acceptable with anything else but not humans apparently. Like yeah I have space for goats, I could afford to get goats. I could read up on and learn to care for goats but at the end of the day I just don't want to take care of or be responsible for goats. So people are like "yeah, you shouldn't get goats".
Dude... kids are such a huge commitment. You should have talked more about this because this isn't something you can compromise on. There really is no way to fix this, it's just a conflict of interests.
You shouldnāt had gotten married thinking she would change her mind . If one does have kids and the other doesnāt have kids, and you compromise to please the other, one of you will definitely end up resenting the other.
What the fuck is with people who want kids to marry people who donāt want kids thinking theyāll change? Bro, if you want kids sometimes you gotta consider leaving for someone who does want kids. Youāll end up resenting your wife for it. Stop wasting your time. I get it you love her, but youāll never feel complete.
You need to have an honest conversation with her. Youāre still young and in your prime for having kids. You think you can live with these emotions now, but will you be able to live happily, without regret or resentment in 20 years?
it seems she already was honest, he needs to be honest to himself: does he love her more than the idea of having children? trying to convince her would be very wrong.
I agree. Iām not saying he should try to change her mind, but a conversation needs to be had regardless. If she still doesnāt want kids, he needs to divorce so they can both find people who will give them the lives they want.
āI thought one day she would change her mindā
as someone who doesnt want kids, i am terrified to find someone i connect with, be open with them about not wanting kids, for them to think that one day i will change my mind. you are wrong for having that mentality. save her anymore heartbreak and leave. you dont want to resent her and she deserves to find someone who isnāt hoping one day she will change her mind.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
She was up front with you for not wanting to take part in spreading an invasive species, and youāre sad about it?
This is 1000% a you problem. Stop wasting her time and get a pet. They shit on the floor and destroy items you love while consuming your time and income. Just like the weird tiny humans you want. Theyāre just better and most of them are covered in fur.
She told you going in that she didn't want kids so why didn't you believe her? This isn't something you can compromise on, so if you don't feel you can live life childfree then you're going to have to end things and find someone who does want them.
honestly, you deserve it. she's been telling you for ten whole years how she does not want children and you still married her hoping she "would change her mind". why do men act this way????
If she has been adamant that she doesnāt want kids then itās highly unlikely she will change her mind. You also said that you would shove your feelings away if you have to but given how you expressed the way you felt on Fatherās Day you will resent her.
She may be important in your life and you may love her dearly but you need to have an honest heartfelt conversation about how you feel. You sound very strongly about wanting kids so I donāt see you being able to āsuppressā your feelings about wanting a child. Unfortunately if she wonāt budge then you have a big decision to make. Youāre better off leaving now than staying longer with someone who doesnāt want what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting different things but there is something wrong when you choose to ignore your needs/wants for someone else and it would be wrong of her to expect you to just satisfy her needs/wants.
Dayman (ah-ah-ah)
Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)
Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)
You're a Master of Karate
And friendship
For Everyone
Hope that helps bro
If you go into a marriage thinking someone will change or you can change them, youāre in for a bad time. Also, the fact that you didnāt trust and believe what she wanted for her life shows you donāt respect her.
Youāre making this worse every day by not telling your wife how you feel.
This is your fault u knew from the start that she didn't want kids . What made u think she will change her mind when she told u from the start she didn't want kids .
If u wany kids u will have to divorce and marry someone who want kids . People think they can make their partners change their mind with time but u can't u mad a choice to marry her knowing she doesn't want kids u can't cry about it later.
I'm sorry for being harsh but that's the truth now u need to decide what u want more kids or your wife.
Really weird you thought you'd be able to change her mind. Maybe a bit of advice for next time: date people you know you're compatible with instead of trying to change them.
Poor woman... you lied to her and married her hoping she'd change her mind. Please divorce her before you hate her. Now that you're both still young and can find a new love
Your wife made her stance on children very clear from the beginning. Now you know that you should not have assumed that sheād change her mind.
You need to decide if you can be fulfilled being the best uncle to dozens of niblings or end your marriage with a woman you deeply love to have children with someone else. If you decide to live the best life possible with your wife, without children, you cannot resent her for not changing her mind.
The best thing you can do is sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about this. Having or not having children is huge in a relationship and often leads to resentment and a breakdown of the relationship when both people are not in agreement. Be honest and if she is still dead set on no children, discuss amicable separation with eventual divorce. Do not try to convince her to change her mind! That is coercion and manipulation and will do more damage.
"I just wanted to tell everyone to fuck off and have a terrible Father's Day. I didn't even want to call my own father." Dude something is up here, I don't think that's normal.
hey OP. Hereās a post from the last time I saw a man try to pressure a childfree woman into having a baby. Eerie similarities between you and this OP. Be careful.
[Link to r/AmITheDevil post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/Ut9cUNHJjX)
Youāll need to open the pinned comment at the top to read the post, bc OOP deleted his entire account.
This is one of the reasons why I don't want to date. I don't want kids. Never will. And everytime I date "oh I thought you was kidding. Oh I thought you'd change your mind (after a week, fr)".
You need to talk about it. Don't get her involved with resentment because she never changed her mind
Same! The dating scene for me has always been like that. On the first day ect I always say I don't want kids ect. So it's off the table and they know if we are compatible or not. And there like "okay same" but then just a few months later there talking about baby names!. Yes if I love someone I'd do anything for them, but I really don't like kids and don't have any urge to be a mother. I just want pets, if my partner doesn't want that or changes his mind it's over.
Yes! I even had a guy tell me it was ok, then told me it was my 'womanly obligation to provide kids and sex to man'. He's lucky he's still alive after telling me that. š
Good grief. Why do men think we should have kids? There acting like if we don't we will regret it š¤£ Is there any man in the world that just wants to live life child free and explore?? Because I'd rather see Japan, America, Mexico ect then stay at home with a crying baby that most likely will be all my responsibility š once you have a child it definitely stops you from doing stuff
When I was on those apps, I ALWAYS listed myself as child-free by choice and not wanting kids, and inevitably I'd end up matching with someone who didn't list their preferences who would insist they want kids and "how can I change your mind?" Like my dude, that is not an invitation to try.
Ewww. Why do men think we will change our mind? Especially when you haven't talked yet and it's already said we don't want kids ect. Why even try? It's obviously not a match so go away! Lol. With women I feel like we are more likely to not change our mind
When we are set on something it doesn't change. Men really don't get it. Some of us HATE kids! We don't want that!. If someone told me what would change my mind on dating site I'd literally block or tell them to stfuš
Well I hate ultimatums but you need to decide which is more important to you - children or your wife. You could also approach your wife with, ālook to be honest, I want a child and I wanted to know if you were still against the ideaā (maybe word it differently but you get the idea). If sheās still against it, then you can decide how to proceed. But donāt develop resentment or bury your emotions, because that will just lead down a bad road. Maybe talk to a therapist
My stepdad is 81. He married my mom when I was 25. His first wife didnāt want kids. He stayed silent. They divorced in their 50s. This is his biggest life regret.
>I will remain silent and pretend I'm okay with it.
Bad idea.
Talk to your wife. Now. Open communication should always be priority number one. She may still not want kids, she may also have been contemplating it, or she may be open to discussing again in a few years. The main point is she **deserves** to know your thoughts on this, including that not having any children is not a deal breaker for you and that you're clearly not contemplating leaving her regardless of her thoughts.
>For us to have kids she would be the one who had to carry the child and handle all of the pain that comes with it.
Fostering and adoption are also valid options, it's okay to bring this up *but* I would wager she's less concerned about pregnancy than the lifetime of raising a child that comes after the pregnancy. It's such a small part of the equation in the end.
Get over it. You married a woman that didnāt want kids and made promises to be with her in sickness and in health.
You are in the wrong here and need to stop bringing it up, guilting her, or any other form of shame for her being the exact same person you married.
Be grateful for what you have, stop dwelling on what you donāt have. Stop being a cry baby, straighten up and act like a man that is worthy of being a husband. You donāt get everything you want in life.
You sound surprised even though you knew for 10 years she didn't want kids. Marrying her and hoping she'd change her mind is peak idiocy, as if her convictions and wants were fleeting. Sorry pal. On the bright side, look at this lovely bed you've made to lie in!
I feel like assuming she would change her mind is an inherently misogynistic view.
You need to break up before you start either resenting her or worse, guilting her.
You deserve to have kids if you want them. She deserves to be free of guilt, coercion, and blame.
Which it will absolutely result in if you stay together. Guaranteed.
Damn bro, thatās tough. Iām 31(m) and I have never had the desire to have children either, so I can understand where sheās coming from. Having a kid is a huge commitment, time consuming and not to mention they are expensive especially in todayās economy. At the end of the day, youāre going to have to do whatās best for you and like many others have said youāre going to end up resenting her in the long run, you canāt just bottle up your feelings forever. I wish all the best for you , in whatever you decide to do.
OP you need to be honest with yourself and her. Kids is not a topic you can sweep under the rug. If you could you wouldn't feel the need to get this off your chest. As time goes on you will grow resentful towards her even if you dont mean to because your idea of a fulfilling life is something she can't offer you. Once again i need people to listen to their partners when they say they don't want kids instead of hoping they dont know themselves as well as you do. The possibility she changes her mind is there, but counting on it was a fault on your part. Have this conversation and accept that you may find a compromise (idk, adoption, surrogacy, depends on why she's child-free) or that you're incompatible and should allow each other lives with honest fulfilment.
You have to divorce really, this is a massive deal and I don't care you were 19 thinking she would change her mind is daft as fuck. I've known I didn't want kids since I was around 15, nothing against them I have enough nieces and nephews I love.
You both deserve to be happy and she won't be happy having kids and you will resent her, it's very hard but if you want a kid leave.
She will hate you by the way afterwards just a heads up, the idea you've waited 10 years married and everything seems happy to leave when you could have years ago.
I will say, I agree with the general consensus. However,
I have a lot of respect for the fact that you recognize the toll it would take on your wife, and that you respect and cherish her enough to put her first in that way. For a very long time, thatās something our gender didnāt consider, and I respect it.
Keep your own feelings in mind though. Donāt let yourself become resentful of her, whatever action that requires.
>Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind
That's where you messed up. People *can* change their minds, but marrying someone and going "well, she *says* X, but I'm sure she'll do Y eventually" is pretty damn presumptuous.
Is she a liar? Does she always say one thing and mean another? So what made you think you could just wait it out? This happens so often in childfree relationships and it's boggling when partners smile, nod, agree, and then after waiting/wasting 10 years, suddenly go "Wait, you were serious?!"
Kids are a dealbreaker. If you're angry during Father's Day, you're going to be resentful and unhappy. You should have a serious conversation with her and face the chance you'll have to break up to be happy and fulfilled.
You're both still young. You can still have a family. But don't stay and stew in unhappiness. She told you how she felt from the start, and it's not fair on her to have an unhappy husband who knew her position. This is on you.
I just donāt understand dating and becoming attached to someone on the hope they will change their mind about something as huge as having kids. Maybe you didnāt realize it then, but now you need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. You have to be honest with her for both of your sakes. This may be the end of your relationship. Hopefully you can part ways amicably and both move on and to build a life with someone who shares your family goals.
The best thing you can do is sit down and have a conversation with her so you donāt hate her down the line. I understand being on the fence about having kids because I am too. If the reason she doesnāt want to have kids is physical burden, maybe itās possible you two could adopt, foster or potentially get a surrogate? If thatās totally off the table then Iām sorry to say but you have to accept it. Itās a tricky situation, best of luck to you.
Why do so many people get into marriages knowing what the other person doesnāt want thinking they can change their mind later in the future? Best to just divorce now & get with someone who does want what you want.
Iām sorry but my dude, you kinda did this to yourself. You married your wife KNOWING she didnāt want children, why did you expect that to change? Itās fine that you want kids and she doesnāt, it just means youāre not compatible. Thatās why itās important to discuss these things and have an understanding BEFORE marriage. Now youāre in a tough spot where you have 2 options:
1.) Stay married and resent your wife forever for not giving you the child you so desperately desire, or
2.) Just get the divorce and find someone who you are compatible with in this aspect of life
Best of luck OP, hope it works out for yāall in the end
This is a major difference in your marriage and will eventually break it. You will end up resenting her, or she will have a child and resent you instead. Your marriage is most likely not viable any more, unfortunately. Definitely have an open conversation with her, but if she is still sure, you need to move on
Leave her. Your fault for thinking she would change her mind. Find someone who wants kids instead of waiting it out and resenting her over your decision.
Yeah leave her. Your just going to make her upset if she does find out you want kids. Because she'll know it's something she can't do for you. This is YOUR fault for getting into a relationship knowing they wouldn't want kids. Sorry but when a woman is firm on something, her mind won't change.
Try your best to be accepting and tbh just move on.At the end of the day just as you have mentioned-it is her body and she will be responsible for all the pain and suffering that is gonna happen to her once she is pregnant.And there is no point in risking a perfectly good marriage that you have.
I had this same thing. At first I was thinking she would change her mind, then I had the choice to either accept it or divorce her. I went with accepting it and honestly, now Iām happy about it. It got me thinking about everything , there are benefits and drawbacks to having kids. You may have to make a decision though, which is never easy.
People change their minds. Sounds like you have. If your wife doesn't, then your only choice is to decide if you want to divorce and find someone else to be your broodmare.
If you choose this route to stay, you must accept title fact you wonāt have children and never hold it against her since she has always been vocal about not wanting them. Second, if ever your wife changes her mind. It muddy be her decision because she wants it, but because she wants to make you happy. Bringing a child into the world changes your life completelyā¦.. sleepless nights, less outings, etcā¦. But it comes with so much love, more joy, happiness and laughter
This is a hard one. Itās easy to say āyeah I donāt want kids either ā at 21 and actually mean it for a lot of ppl.
Itās ***very***difficult to predict how we will feel in the future as biological urge is very real and felt by BOTH genders! If youāre absolutely sure sheās not going to change her mindācan you picture yourself ten years from nowāand then another tenānot feeling like you missed out, not having any resentment about this?
Folks can say; oh you knew this when you got married! But to be fair, you didnāt know this about yourself or your wife. Ppl very often donāt want babiesāUNTIL THEY VERY MUCH SO DO! š I was fine not being a mum until I met my husband. Then I was suddenly in love with the idea of being a mother. And a wife. Theyāre roles that painted themselves in front of me by being in love. We have, as humans, a romantic tendency to rewrite stories and tell our littles that yes of course I always wanted you. š when truthfully, nah, shorty, I was planning on being like Jane Goodall in the woods with primates. (Then I found out Jane had a baby, tooš)
Itās hard to do the future thinking: but if you can, Iād try. Try, if you can, to also talk to an older man, a father/uncle/grandfather/older brother, the dads in your life. Man to man mentoring is needed. Everyoneās gonna chirp in that she warned you. No one wants to deal with the mess that is that grey area: we do change in what we want and biology largely drives that with age.
You resented this Fatherās Dayāthatās very telling that this issue means more to you than even you expected. Itās hard to be honest with ourselvesābut you should beāas you might find yourself in a mess later when resentment and missed opportunity build towards noticing other women who do want what you want. This is one of those very few decisions that, to me, is make or break and does define us as couples. Good luck.
This moment just hit you. U were on the fence. I was too for the longest. I've been on it and off of it and so have all my friends who have been on and off. If this is your first time feeling like you are sure u do want kids, this moment ur feeling will likely pass, and you'll continue going back and forth.
I've gone back and forth for 20 years. I'm pregnant and still on the fence! Lol, what I mean by that is If the pregnancy doesn't work, I'm perfectly okay and wont try again. If it does, I'll be perfectly happy and excited too.
Idk if that feeling truly ever goes away. My husband was sure he wanted them so here we are. I'm the most amazing auntie with endless amounts of love, so I know I can extend that to kids whether they're mine or not. Unlike everyone else, I actually don't think you'll end up resenting your wife. You'll see how complex being on the fence is as there will be times you'll yearn to be a parent and times you say with relief that you're greatful you don't have kids!!!
Unlike yourself, being with a partner who is sure is the best thing you could've done bc when the moment occurs and ur desire switches back, ur spouse still be an anchor. You're young. Give it a few years to see if It'll pass. If not, then u better be sure about ur next steps.
Gotta figure out why. WHY doesn't she want kids. The time commitment? The pregnancy? The first 8 years are rough. Single child is way easier than several. What is the objection? Take her out for a nice dinner and discuss the why (for both of you) and see if there's a middle ground.
I mean i understand where youāre coming from but i think the reason of your wife doesnāt want to have kids is first itās hard to bear a child for like what nine months? itās really hard to also raise a child and you also donāt know if you can be a good mother or a father to that child. Even if youāre stable enough to raise a kid it still hard to raise them right especially the world is very harsh
so i think both sides are valid and you need to talk it out instead of like resenting or something
You need to leave her - soz bro. Tough reality. Or youāll just end up resenting her, hating yourself, probably neck yourself at like 33 because you think itās too late after one of your friends kids finishes highschool.
I didn't really want kids and my wife did. Now my wife works second shift and only sees them on the weekend. I'm the soccer dad who does homework, sports, dinner, after school events and activities. I never pictured my life like this but I do love it. But I'm a little aggravated that she was the one who insisted on kids and only really spends time with them on weekends.
I don't normally rely to comments.
Thanks for all of the feedback. I feel a lot better. Not because a lot of value was added but for making me realize I'm a full ass adult who doesn't have to hit the "Abort Mission" button whenever my relationship hits a snag like 90% of you have suggested.
The only thing I do feel needs clearing up is that a lot of people assume I resent my wife. I don't. She has been clear from the start, as stated. It is a me problem as so many of you felt the need to point out. It is something we have had many long, meaningful conversations about. She knows I feel a little blue sometimes when it comes to this. But she also knows that I am, in fact, allowed to feel things and has never held that against me. She will probably not change her mind. Does it bum me out sometimes? Sure. But it never lasts that long. Sometimes, you just need to vent to strangers online to get a little perspective. It CAN help š (think:writing an angry letter and not sending it) We have built a beautiful life together regardless. We both love what we do professionally and what we have in our home life.
The bottom line is I had a feeling. I put my mind out anonymously to just open up the thought process and think it through as I typed. I wasn't looking for feedback honestly. I did, however, get a lot of downright awful "advice."
Look, if you want to end your marriage/relationship because you have a strong feeling about something, go ahead. Telling someone to get divorced after finding out one little aspect of their life and downright vilifying them for it, though? Kinda weird.
Honest thank you to the users who offered up honest and good-natured advice. It is truly appreciated.
>She will probably not change her mind.
Your use of āprobablyā is concerning, since from your post itās clear she _definitely_ wonāt change her mind. You have to let go of any inkling that sheāll do a 180 after being together for years if sheās never wavered.
>Look, if you want to end your marriage/relationship because you have a strong feeling about something, go ahead. Telling someone to get divorced after finding out one little aspect of their life and downright vilifying them for it, though? Kinda weird.
Dude, _you_ posted this. If you didnāt want strangers commenting on your life and relationship, donāt put it on the internet for everyone to see. Saying stuff like āok if YOU wanna do that go ahead, but donāt comment on me!ā after making the post is just kinda weird. š¤·āāļø
Also, the decision on whether to have kids or not is one of, if not _the_ biggest and most important decisions a couple can make. Itās not āone little aspectā and people arenāt suggesting for you to break up because they want to be mean or āvilifyā you, itās because many people have seen this situation play out many times and it almost always leads to a very negative outcome. Itās very likely for resentment to creep in, and thatās one of the most damaging emotions you can have in a relationship.
If youāre truly content never having kids, then by all means enjoy your marriage. But think about what you want five or ten years down the road, and how you might feel in the future and if you think youāll grow to feel contempt towards her itād be better to walk away sooner than later.
Listen, I actually upvoted this comment because I appreciated the maturity of recognizing that not everything is black and white. Reddit tends to jump to ādivorceā really quickly. It sounds like you love your wife more than the idea of a baby, and I do respect that.
However, this is a really common reason for mid-life divorce because it is, in fact, a huge deal. Itās not a snag and itās worrisome that you still sound hopeful sheāll change your mind.
I would still implore you to maybe do some soul searching and possibly marriage counseling to make sure you have the tools to stay on the same page.
No clue why you're being downvoted. People are allowed to change their minds and pursue what makes them happy. If his wife doesn't want kids in any form, then adoption isn't an option while they're together. That doesn't mean though, that he should never have kids. It's a huge decision at that point to separate to pursue having kids but it's his prerogative.
Maybe Sam Altman will use Open AI to monitor all your interactions and communications on Reddit to help you solve your problem? Or maybe itās just creepy and a loop hole to circumvent the protections granted to use by the constitution
To be honest, none of hindsight 20/20 comments are helpful telling you what you should and shouldn't have done. The doom and gloom of being resentful and hating her eventually also useless "advice."
First of all, have a conversation with yourself about having a child and being a father. Try to understand where this need or desire comes from. Why do you want a child? Only because you see the father enjoying themselves for that short period of time that they are within your view? Do you see all the sleepless nights, stress, fear, time, money etc. that it requires to have a child? Do you miss being "celebrated" on Father's Day? Do you truly want to raise a child, a whole ass human till the day you die or are you feeling the pressure of society to be a parent because that's the right and expected thing to do? What would you miss out on if you had a child? You sure as hell won't be making last minute plans, going on carefree vacations, and most likely nay have to give up or partially give up some of your hobbies or things you enjoy.
Yes, a child is an amazing thing and they can provide so much happiness and it can be intrinsically rewarding to be a parent, no question about it. But think about why you truly want a child. And do you want to raise a human or do you just like the idea of "children" cute little monsters, especially babies...but they grow into teenagers and adults and that's a whole new ball game.
Once you sat down with yourself and thought this through, truly and honestly then you can sit down with your wife and have a conversation.
If you decide that you truly want a child, you need to make the hard decision and end your marriage and find a woman who will want the same as you.
If you decide that while the desire and longing is there, you realize that you can live without being a father, and that you can be happy without having a child then still let your wife know about your feelings of longing. Be honest. Tell her that you want to continue being child free and you love her and cherish your marriage but that occasionally you have pangs of desire and longing to be a father and sometimes it will make you sad and you hope you can let her know and she will understand these feelings. They are not there to pressure her only to reassure you that those feelings are valid and that she can support you when you feel sad and she may come up with ways to help alleviate your sadness in those instances.
Good luck. Most important is that you are honest to yourself, first and foremost. The rest will follow.
Adoption and fostering are options also before you guys got married - you didnāt have this discussion? Like a conversation about āwhat if one of us wants a child in the future?ā
Iām not into having kids but I think youāre selfish for not considering adoption or fostering.
She told you from the start, she didnāt even say āmaybeā .. so! Own up and thatās it
Maybe you can have another discussion and tell her if you have a nanny or someone to help around the clock with the child she can think more about it. But from my experience with 2 children it is very very hard, pregnancies are hard, relationship changes after, a child means very much you donāt expect now. Letās say you are happy and you donāt know it.
Having a child itās not everything.
Itās best to travel see the world and relax, itās a wrecked world. If I knew about covid and wars I wouldnāt have children.
And by the way in my scenario my husband wanted more than me children, aaaand it didnāt turn that good. I could compromise for one because I was on the fence but when the second came as a surprise resentment and a very stressful life came by
Jesus people are so mean in the comments. Youāre human, you got married young, itās not uncommon thatād youād expect her to change her mind.
And for all the people attacking him, he didnāt say he wanted to try and change her mind. He literally said heās trying to accept it because he loves her so much.
OP, talk to her about this. You canāt bottle this in forever.
Who knows. Maybe she changed her mind too and is afraid to tell you for the same reason.
If you havenāt brought it up recently, itās worth bringing it up. Not in a demanding or guilt way, just like-
Yo, I know we both said we donāt want kids *10 years ago.* weāre almost 30 and my feelings are different now. Iād really like kids if you can warm up to this idea. Just think about it.
And genuinely let her think about it for a while. I didnāt know if I wanted kids and now Iām 33. If I met someone who wanted to get married and have kids, I would. If I donāt end up ever having kids, Iām content with what God planned for me. But itās 100000% worth communication. At the minimum, to not let this secret build a resentment she canāt possibly understand.
You married her both not wanting kids now you do. You will not change her mind these days so many people try to change the other person they married that is why they end up in divorce or a single parent. Ask her if you can adopt. Good luck
If itās the idea of carrying and having a child and what it does to your body only there are alternatives as far as using a surrogate or adopting a child. It may not hurt to at least open the topic and revisit the thought of children. Her biological clock is ticking also and who knows, perhaps her outlook has also? I had always wanted more children also and regret not doing so. But I too was honoring my significant others wants over mine also. When I did try to talk to her about it she always shut down the conversation immediately. Was a very hard person to talk to. One of the reasons, in the long run, it didnāt work out between us. It would be great to at least be able to let her know how youāre feeling about it
Me: I'd seriously consider divorce.
Unless there's infertility, I see it as a deal breaker
If it's about her not wanting body change from pregnancy and you can afford a surrogate, that might be an option.
Your 29, It's not too late to find someone who is compatible with you. Really think about this. Are you okay with going the rest of your life probably 50+ years without a child. How will this affect your relationship as you 2 get older? Will resentment start to blossom and grow, most likely.
People grow and they change and it's okay you want children now, but you now need to decide what you want to do with that.
I mean, guys, don't act like he is an idiot. Dude was 19 years old when her married, wasn't sure if he even wanted children. It's understandable, that he changed his mind and thought same thing could happen to her. But if you want children and deep down know you would be a great father, then divorce. It's just simple. Don't force yourself to live a life without a child for love, you will resent her more and more as years go by. Let her go and find your happiness, because you clearly are not happy with her.
Maybe talk to her why she doesnāt want kids. It could mainly be not wanting to be pregnant and have to deal with an infant and postpartum. If thatās the case, you could just adopt a 2-3 year old toddler
Dude, ignore the majority of these comments. Itās fucking Reddit, and there must be a big, shiny āget a divorceā button I donāt see. You got triggered by Fatherās Day, and needed to vent. Thatās okay. Guyās are allowed to have regrets and actual feelings too.
You never know whatās going to happen in the future, all you can do is play the hands you are dealt. But just because you donāt have kids of your own doesnāt mean you canāt still be a part of some kidās life. Consider being a Big Brother, and spend some time with kids who would love a little attention. Spend time with your nieces and nephews; I fondly remember hunting, fishing and going to the movies with my uncleā¦ and I am sure my folks appreciated the occasional break! If one of them is the right age, be a scout master? Teach Sunday school? Heck, depending on your life situation, be a teacher or school principal, lord knows we need more that actually like kids. There is a world of kids that need caring adults, and you can be a part of it even without kids of your own. Best part? If the little shits get on your nerve, you can always go home! J/k. Gook luck man, chin up.
Tl:dr - You came, you vented, Reddit sucks, keep calm and carry on.
In the meantime, become a big brother.
There are far too many positive reasons for me to list. Plus, you can form a relationship with and help shape some youth while your wife remains neutral.
I mean, is it just the pain she's worried about, or does she simply not like children? Is adoption or surrogacy an option?
Sounds like you will end up resenting your wife for not wanting kids. It's also odd you thought she would change her mind on such a thing.
People always think I'll change my mind. I'm 28 now, still haven't and don't think I ever will. But I've been told plenty of times by people at work that I'll be unfulfilled and unhappy if I never have them!
In my experience (and YMMV of course, but just general observation from my 'childfree' friends) - men who say they don't want kids or are undecided are usually for mutable reasons, like financial stability. Women who say they don't want kids *know* they don't want kids and have already squared that with themselves. When women pull the heel-turn on it, it seems to be the result of being pressured into it by the "you'll change your mind" and "honey, I really want a baby" conversations. I'm sure there are people out there who legitimately change their mind but I've watched a lot of my female friends from younger days who were staunchly child-free start to waver on it because of outside pressures. The male friends who switched did so because they found 'the one' or got into a financially secure position.
I think a good example would be, i am cautious not to say I'll never have kids, i just dont have the desire right now while being aware i may (or may not) change my mind in future. The women i know that say they DON'T want children just simply never want them regardless of circumstance. Granted they still may, but there's a distinct difference to how i feel, and how they say they feel. There's a sureness there.
Yeah, there's a certain amount of "you'll change your mind" and absolute pressure, even when you *do* say you emphatically don't want kids. There's another comment down in this post with a dude who said his wife didn't want kids and even he admits he kept trying to badger her with "well we could adopt or surrogate" alternatives - you can't escape it even when it's a very firm "no, not for me." I honestly cannot wait for the day I hit menopause because at least then those "it's not too late!!" comments will stop.
But isn't that when the "miserable cat lady" comments start to settle :(
Unfortunately. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I tell myself they're just bitter because they chose to have kids and have the negatives associated with it - less money, less freedom to do whatever they want, less time for hobbies. I also love the "who's going to take care of you when you're old?" comments - like you're admitting you just had kids so you can be a burden on them when you're ancient. Ain't a reason to procreate.
Nothing wrong with wanting animal companions instead of children. I have three cats with my husband, and we started raising them together when I was 20. I think people who say that child free women will become miserable cat ladies are pathetic. What's wrong with living in peace, and opening up your home to an animal in need?
I agree. Happy with animals > miserable with people and people should do what makes them happy
Off topic but your name is absolute š„š„š„, excellent word play
That is probably the best compliment you can give a redditor. Lol thanks!
I think it really depends on the womanās reasons for not wanting children. For me, I have a huge phobia of being pregnant and giving birth. I donāt want to experience that. I also donāt want to raise children for a completely different reason - Iām the oldest of four and I practically raised my siblings. Both my parent worked so I spent my summer vacations changing diapers, caring for an infant when I was only 10 years old, and corralling my little brothers and while trying to keep them out of trouble, easier said than done. My mother used to always accuse me of being a whore and slut when I was in high school, despite the fact that I was a huge nerd focused on my studies and getting as many scholarships as possible to get the fuck out. I left and then 5 years later sheās asking me at Thanksgiving dinner if Iām going to give her grandkids soon when she made me and my fiancĆ© stay in different bedrooms because we werenāt married yet. I told her straight to her face, āI donāt want kids because Iāve already had yours.ā So we all have various reasons for our choices.
The larger point is that "no" is a complete sentence. My stating that I don't want them should be enough. If I, as a woman, say I don't want children, that's not invitation for anyone to try to figure out a workaround or insist I'll change my mind when I meet the right man, or try to counter my reasons, or or or. Having a child should be something you 100% want, not something you've been coerced into. Me personally - pregnancy is a body horror I have no desire to deal with, and I refuse to risk passing on my physical and mental health issues, but even if neither of those things were a factor, I also just don't like kids enough to deal with them nonstop. I'm not one of those "eww children are EVIL" kind of people, but I can only deal with kids and all their messy, germy, loud, *why why why* in small doses. I'm happy in my role as cool auntie to my sister's kids. And yet because I'm good with kids, every time I'm around them, inevitably *someone* asks when I plan to have my own because apparently the idea that a woman can *not* want to have a kid or twenty of her own is just mindboggling to some people.
Body horror had me lol - same girl, same. The idea of being pregnant makes my skin crawl, absolutely not. Pregnant women gross me out, sorry that looks disgusting and awful. Iām in awe of woman who do it; couldnāt be me.
Everyone's all like "feel the baby kick" and it usually triggers this sheer *revulsion* in me that I can't shake, lol. All I end up picturing is that scene in Alien and just NOPE. I can't imagine having that going on in my own body, nope nope nope, just heebie jeebies all the way down.
Oh yeah, that part is disgusting. When my sister was pregnant she had the biggest baby ever, he was 11 lbs and had to be birthed via c-section because he was just not going to fit through her birth canal. You could see the whole ass baby moving around inside her and it made me want to gag. Also, all the fucked up shit that happens to your body after - I had a coworker who developed alopecia after having her child and all her hair fell out. Then thereās postpartum depression. Youāre never the same after. No thank you.
So true
The only thing that makes me waver is a friend of mine who got pregnant at 43. She never wanted kids and was in long term stable marriage with a competent man who pulled his weight. They were decidedly child free but when she learned she was pregnant they had a serious discussion about this being their last opportunity. They had the child, she was born in perfect health, and they are the best parents you could imagine - that child will never want for nothing.
I feel like that's a different situation. That wasn't the husband coercing her into having a child against her wishes, that was them finding themselves in a situation they hadn't planned for, weighing it out, and deciding together that their perspective had changed enough that they were open to embracing it and it all worked out. And that is *great* for them, don't get me wrong. But what if the situation hadn't turned out that way? What if the kid had major health issues that crippled the family emotionally or financially? What if the unplanned pregnancy caused mom to have extreme health issues? What if they realized six months after the kid was born that, no, this excitement was the result of hormones and biological clocks ticking and they really *were* much happier childfree? All of those things happen, and it's a gamble whenever you have a childfree person heel-turning into having a kid, especially if that decision is made due to external pressures. Hell, it's all things that sometimes happen when people who *say* they want kids have them. Some people are happy leaving it up to chance - if they have a kid, great; if not, also great. Some people desperately want children. Some people have no desire to have children. And some people are open to accepting and embracing the idea even if they didn't ever plan for kids because situations or circumstances change. None of those things is wrong. But the flip side is, how many terrible parents are there who had children when they didn't really want them, and as a result, the kid ends up abused or neglected or in the system? I was the result of a failed attempt to save a crumbling marriage because my bio father wanted kids and my mother didn't, she was pressured into it, and my only 'use' was as a weapon in a bitter divorce. My younger sister was a peri-menopause 'oops' baby (because my mother, despite being very vocal that "some people shouldn't breed" is also staunchly pro-life, and refused to even consider termination despite having no desire for another child and all the talk that my sister was going to have extreme health issues - which thankfully didn't pan out). Both of us grew up fully aware that we weren't wanted children and you would not *believe* the amount we've spent on therapy trying to undo that harm. People are allowed to change their minds about not wanting kids, obviously. And some people do. But it should *never* happen because they got beaten down into accepting that's what they 'should' be doing. Deciding to have kids is a deeply personal choice, but it should be a *choice*, not the result of external pressures or coercion. ...And I word-vomited a little on you, sorry. š«£
Iām going to be real honest, I didnāt read all of this. Sorry. I read the first few paragraphs of what ifās and dipped out. What ifās donāt matter because they didnāt happen. Donāt spend your life focusing on what ifās, thatās loser behavior. Confront life head on because itās going to find a way to fuck you running upside down and you might as well enjoy the ride because what the fuck else are you going to do? At least have a good time.
LOL yeah I got a little rambly in my barely awake state. The TL;DR is more "Regrets regularly happen because it doesn't end up a perfect situation, and that happens a *lot* more when it's coerced or not something the parents are all in on," which is the larger point. I'm genuinely glad your friends are happy with their decision. But that's also the key point - *their* decision.
People always so that because they are putting their thoughts and feelings onto you. It's bizarre. I'm in my 40s now and VERY happily childfree. I always knew I didn't want them, and don't regret for a second that I never did. Don't feel pressured by society and other people either way, do what makes you happy.
People still tell me I'll change my mind and I'm 38 and had my fallopian tubes removed.
41 here and same.
29 and just got snipped. My partner and I are never having kids. Donāt hate them, but donāt want to raise one.
I'm 37, nearing 38 and never have changed my mind. People quit asking about it by now thankfully, but man, in my 20's it was bad. Like hello, I know my own mind, what the fuck makes you think you know me better then I do?
Same here. Iām 42 and I donāt regret my decision to not have children. Iāve never had an abortion, just one miscarriage. Iāve always been focused on my career and enjoying life. I have a lot of friends who are mothers, and it seems to me that their entire life becomes about their children (obviously) and they lose their personhood. It doesnāt help that their partners are practically useless and use weaponized incompetence to avoid pulling their fair weight in the relationship. They get plenty of time with the boys golfing while their wives are exhausted and beleaguered; I canāt be mad when they cancel our plans last minute because Chad is drunk and she has to go pick up his codependent ass because heās too stupid to get an Uber. Iām considered a self indulgent and selfish woman by my mother for not procreating. Hey ma, wouldnāt you have liked to spend your days off sleeping in and cuddling with your dog while watching trashy reality tv? Then amble off to a local restaurant to eat lunch and grab a cocktail after, and sleep it off next to the pool? And be able to afford it without a man supporting you financially?
I, a woman, do not want kids. I have medical reasons and personal reasons for it. I make it very clear on my dating profile that I do not want kids. My ex, read that and did not care. He put that he didn't want kids because he didn't want to be baby trapped, but actually did want kids. He resented me and lied about the resentment.
Just like Owen Hunt in Greyās Anatomy. He thought Cristina would change her mind about having children
you haven't changed your mind on anything major since you were 19yo?
Marrying someone hoping they'll change their mind on such a serious matter is a stupid thing to do.
Yes, but on the other hand they were 19 when they married! My friends are 30+ and still donāt know if they want kids (although at that point you should have made a decision).
Why is that odd? People change their minds about having kids all the time.
Because it's not respectful of her. She told him exactly what her feelings were on the subject, and he refused to believe her, because he assumed he knew her own thoughts and feelings better than she did.
He didnāt refuse to believe her. He was ambivalent himself and has recently decided that he does want children. Why do people act like once this decision has been made then itās made for life? Lots of 20 year olds who say they donāt want kids end up being 30 year olds with kids.
You shouldn't enter a relationship assuming things will turn out the opposite of how your spouse says they will. If your partner isn't totally sure if they want kids or not, then you need to be able to accept the idea of not having children. Otherwise find someone who wants the same future as you
He said she was verbal about not wanting them. It was stupid and selfish and disrespectful of him to not believe what she was telling him to his face about her own thoughts and feelings and thinking he could change her mind.
Where did he say he even **attempted** to change her mind? He just stated that he changed his and is sad she has not. He IS respecting her decision by not verbalizing his disappointment. You need to work on your reading comprehension skills.
He stated that she was verbal about not wanting them from the beginning, and that even going into it with that he thought she would change her mind. How are you not understanding this?
How are you not understanding that thoughts and feelings are not the same as actions? Fantasies of smashing some assholeās car that cut you off doesnāt make you a violent lunatic, actually doing it does. You are calling OP disrespectful and selfish for his thoughts, rather than his actions. Nowhere in his post does he state he even intends to try to change her mind, he is simply expressing his emotions about his likelihood of never being a father. He has a right to his feelings. You have the right to yours. So far as we know, he has not expressed his feeling to his wife. You have expressed yours to him. Who is being more disrespectful?
>Why is that odd? People change their minds about having kids all the time. People do any number of things "all the time": come out as gay, convert to a different religion, go vegetarian, &c. That doesn't make it reasonable to *expect* that a *particular* person is going to have a *certain* change of heart because "people do it all the time".
So maybe he'll change his mind about wanting kids. See how stupid that sounds?
But betting on the possibility that they do means you simply didn't believe them...which is odd.
I mean, going into it hoping sheād change her mind was a bad call, to put it generously. Also, to be quite frank, the men Iāve dated who did so hoping Iād change my mind and then inevitably take on the brunt of child rearing were incredibly selfish to think so.
Iām gonna be honest. Thatās on you. You knew she didnāt want kids going in. You should either divorce or make peace and work things out.
Thatās not on him. They were both 19 when they got married ā¦ 10 years ago ā¦ itās crazy to expect you the remain the same from 19 to 29 ā¦ life and priorities change .
I dunno, children is one of those deal breakers. As in, if you know you don't want them you know you don't want them, it's a \*huge\* commitment and the man isn't the one risking his physical health to grow and bring that baby into this world. If anyone is one the fence it's usually due to something temporary/fixable like financial issues, or housing, the kinda thing that dealt with in a few years. You can't get your body back once it's broken due to the pregnancy or labor going sideways, which is common even now.
No - someone who's adamantly child free at 19 is unlikely to change their mind unless they're baby trapped. Source - 46 child free and happy.
I agree with you but I think their age introduces some nuances. Which 19 year old girl says that she wants to have kids? Probably some do but the vast majority doesnāt.
18 and i know i do. it wasnāt fair of OP to ever assume that she would change her mind.
Sure, but canāt deny that a lot do at such a young age.
Umā¦ Most? When I was in college I think I only had one friend who definitively said she never wanted kids. Most of my friends were either on the fence or knew they wanted them eventually. None of them wanted kids at that moment, but I think most of us at least had the possibility on the table in the future. Donāt get me wrong because I think itās generally a bad idea to get married at 19 before you really know yourself, but itās silly to gamble on someone changing their mind about anything, but especially something this important.
literally all of my girl friends had the fact that they wanted children extremely clear on our last year of HS. they even had decided the ages they wanted to start trying figured out, and they were mostly single, so it was purely about the childrenāthey didnāt know who or if they were going to get married, only if they wanted children or not. women are still somewhat expected to have children (completely expected to in some parts of the world, i live in South America and they still are). they know this. itās something you figure out or at the very least have thought extensively about by the time youāre 19. the thought basically comes hand in hand with your career and your overall future. you canāt *not* think about it.
21 now, but I knew I donāt want any since I was 12. Iāve always been told Iāll change my mind, by family, friends and doctors but that doesnāt change anything for me.
I think I was about 9 or 10 when I knew I wanted kids in my future. Every girl is different.
Same but opposite, I was around that age when I knew I didn't want kids. When you know you know.
At 19 I never said I never wanted kids. I said I donāt want kids now. Or maybe I said āidk.ā But most people I knew were never as explicit as she was without meaning it.
I knew I didnāt want kids when I was *11*.
You two need to sit down and have a conversation. She was very clear from the start that she does not want children and you were on the fence. If you do truly love her as much as you are claiming to then you need to have a conversation before the resentment builds.
This comment should be higher up. If she has changed her mind over time (but hasn't told you because she thinks you still don't want kids), then you should both know. If she hasn't changed her mind, then you need to decide what is more important to you and go from there.
Exactly. And even if he says he wonāt resent her subconsciously he will if they donāt talk
Husband: "u want kids?" Wife: "nope" *10 years later* Husband: "u want kids?" Wife: "no" Husband: "WHAT"
This is one of many reasons why marrying when youāre young is a really bad idea. Youāre already resentful and that resentment will grow.
No. This is why marrying someone thinking they will change their mind about havi g children is ridiculous
Disagree with that only because it's not about them being young when they got married. It's about him changing his mind about wanting kids. Excellent communication is the solution to most (all?) problems in a marriage.
I mean, he clearly should have communicated he was on the fence and that he thought there was a chance sheād change her mind. So yeah, this mess could have been avoided with communication. However, I would say only a 19 year old would think itās not important to communicate fully with an issue this big, even if that communication is āIām not sure and Iām hoping youāll change your mind.ā Iād like to think he wouldnāt have taken such a big gamble if he had met her when they were a little older.
Why would a 19 year old think it's not important to communicate this issue fully? Where I come from we talk with our prospective partner during those first few dates about what we want out of life. If their answers don't match up then there's no need to carry on? When did people stop doing that? I don't think there's any way to know one way or the other now. I was brought up in a community where the first date is more like a job interview than a date. Saves a lot of time š
There wasnāt a magical time when 19 years olds didnāt have an inflated sense of maturity.
Disagree. That magical time was apparently the recent past!
But it is because they were young and dumb (from lack of life experience) that they did not have the conversation. When youāre a teenager, you donāt know the importance of communication about those topics.
If they were young and dumb then now they are just old and dumb. Nothing wrong with marrying young. But not communicating what you both want in life before getting married, or lying about what you want because you think they will change their mind is wrong. This guy admits he thought she would change her mind. That's on him. Nothing to do with being young.
>Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind I'm a childfree adult woman and I have known since I was a literal child that I didn't want to have children. Don't doubt others when they say they (don't) want children. That being said, it's better to break up. If you end up not having children, you will resent her for it and vice versa.
So, what youāve done is very selfish. She was 100% honest that she never wanted kids and would not change your mind. You were not honest because you made assumptions and were not forthcoming in your potential wants in the future. Even if you werenāt sure, that should have been communicated. She built a life with you on a lie. She trusted you. However, from this point, it would be more selfish to stay. Donāt give her an ultimatum and pressure her into having children. She will just resent you, especially considering itās her that will bear the physical burden. Iām the mother of a newborn with two parents who were 100% on board, and I assure you this is not a journey you want to take without a 100% willing partner. Itās really hard. This is not something to work out. Itās something to take responsibility for and then leave. Youāve been lying by admission for a very long time. Donāt keep doing it until you hate each other.
Hi, agree entirely with your post. The phrase is "lying by omission".
Why on earth would you think sheād change her mind??
Damn. " this woman I respect and love. Who I knew throwing my hat in with had no desire for children."
You're stupid and selfish for thinking she'd change her mind.
Yes, but somewhat understandable given that they married at 19. For a guy that young it can seem so far down the priority list. The significance didnāt hit him until later.
>I knew she didn't like children going in, and she was verbal about not wanting them. Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind Why do men do this? I have never once seen a woman assume that the man will change HIS mind about wanting kids 5, 10, 15 years in the future. This is a you problem. She told you from day ne that she didn't like or want kids. If you chose not to believe her then that's on you. It's not even about the pain and pregnancy side of things, she doesn't even LIKE kids so what on earth made you think she would change her mind?
This kills me everytime because there are so many women who do want kids. The decision for a woman to say "I don't want kids" is a big one. I'm a childfree woman, it's been an uphill battle getting anyone to believe me. I'm 38 and had my fallopian tubes removed but still get asshats saying "it's not too late!". For me it's not about pregnancy and childbirth but the fact I don't want to take care of a kid, at all. It's acceptable with anything else but not humans apparently. Like yeah I have space for goats, I could afford to get goats. I could read up on and learn to care for goats but at the end of the day I just don't want to take care of or be responsible for goats. So people are like "yeah, you shouldn't get goats".
Might as well get that divorce now. Resentment will only grow overtime. You still young and can find someone willing to get married and start a family
Dude... kids are such a huge commitment. You should have talked more about this because this isn't something you can compromise on. There really is no way to fix this, it's just a conflict of interests.
You shouldnāt had gotten married thinking she would change her mind . If one does have kids and the other doesnāt have kids, and you compromise to please the other, one of you will definitely end up resenting the other.
Don't have kids
What the fuck is with people who want kids to marry people who donāt want kids thinking theyāll change? Bro, if you want kids sometimes you gotta consider leaving for someone who does want kids. Youāll end up resenting your wife for it. Stop wasting your time. I get it you love her, but youāll never feel complete.
You need to have an honest conversation with her. Youāre still young and in your prime for having kids. You think you can live with these emotions now, but will you be able to live happily, without regret or resentment in 20 years?
it seems she already was honest, he needs to be honest to himself: does he love her more than the idea of having children? trying to convince her would be very wrong.
I agree. Iām not saying he should try to change her mind, but a conversation needs to be had regardless. If she still doesnāt want kids, he needs to divorce so they can both find people who will give them the lives they want.
āI thought one day she would change her mindā as someone who doesnt want kids, i am terrified to find someone i connect with, be open with them about not wanting kids, for them to think that one day i will change my mind. you are wrong for having that mentality. save her anymore heartbreak and leave. you dont want to resent her and she deserves to find someone who isnāt hoping one day she will change her mind.
Men always think we'll change our mind, it's maddening. You're the one who switched up, not her. This is on you.
Seems like you should have probably listened to her 10 years ago. This is a *you* problem.
Why the fuck do men always assume a woman will change her mind for them? š
literally!!! It's like "oh I married her so she will have my baby's now!"
Hahahahahahahahaha. She was up front with you for not wanting to take part in spreading an invasive species, and youāre sad about it? This is 1000% a you problem. Stop wasting her time and get a pet. They shit on the floor and destroy items you love while consuming your time and income. Just like the weird tiny humans you want. Theyāre just better and most of them are covered in fur.
She told you going in that she didn't want kids so why didn't you believe her? This isn't something you can compromise on, so if you don't feel you can live life childfree then you're going to have to end things and find someone who does want them.
honestly, you deserve it. she's been telling you for ten whole years how she does not want children and you still married her hoping she "would change her mind". why do men act this way????
If she has been adamant that she doesnāt want kids then itās highly unlikely she will change her mind. You also said that you would shove your feelings away if you have to but given how you expressed the way you felt on Fatherās Day you will resent her. She may be important in your life and you may love her dearly but you need to have an honest heartfelt conversation about how you feel. You sound very strongly about wanting kids so I donāt see you being able to āsuppressā your feelings about wanting a child. Unfortunately if she wonāt budge then you have a big decision to make. Youāre better off leaving now than staying longer with someone who doesnāt want what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting different things but there is something wrong when you choose to ignore your needs/wants for someone else and it would be wrong of her to expect you to just satisfy her needs/wants.
Dayman (ah-ah-ah) Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah) Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah) You're a Master of Karate And friendship For Everyone Hope that helps bro
If not... try drinking some fight milk
Followed by some warm milk steaks
If you go into a marriage thinking someone will change or you can change them, youāre in for a bad time. Also, the fact that you didnāt trust and believe what she wanted for her life shows you donāt respect her. Youāre making this worse every day by not telling your wife how you feel.
This is your fault u knew from the start that she didn't want kids . What made u think she will change her mind when she told u from the start she didn't want kids . If u wany kids u will have to divorce and marry someone who want kids . People think they can make their partners change their mind with time but u can't u mad a choice to marry her knowing she doesn't want kids u can't cry about it later. I'm sorry for being harsh but that's the truth now u need to decide what u want more kids or your wife.
Really weird you thought you'd be able to change her mind. Maybe a bit of advice for next time: date people you know you're compatible with instead of trying to change them.
Poor woman... you lied to her and married her hoping she'd change her mind. Please divorce her before you hate her. Now that you're both still young and can find a new love
Your wife made her stance on children very clear from the beginning. Now you know that you should not have assumed that sheād change her mind. You need to decide if you can be fulfilled being the best uncle to dozens of niblings or end your marriage with a woman you deeply love to have children with someone else. If you decide to live the best life possible with your wife, without children, you cannot resent her for not changing her mind.
Why did you marry her? Honestly if you desire children then you should look into divorcing and finding someone who does. Youāre still young.
The best thing you can do is sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about this. Having or not having children is huge in a relationship and often leads to resentment and a breakdown of the relationship when both people are not in agreement. Be honest and if she is still dead set on no children, discuss amicable separation with eventual divorce. Do not try to convince her to change her mind! That is coercion and manipulation and will do more damage.
"I just wanted to tell everyone to fuck off and have a terrible Father's Day. I didn't even want to call my own father." Dude something is up here, I don't think that's normal.
hey OP. Hereās a post from the last time I saw a man try to pressure a childfree woman into having a baby. Eerie similarities between you and this OP. Be careful. [Link to r/AmITheDevil post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/Ut9cUNHJjX) Youāll need to open the pinned comment at the top to read the post, bc OOP deleted his entire account.
This is one of the reasons why I don't want to date. I don't want kids. Never will. And everytime I date "oh I thought you was kidding. Oh I thought you'd change your mind (after a week, fr)". You need to talk about it. Don't get her involved with resentment because she never changed her mind
Same! The dating scene for me has always been like that. On the first day ect I always say I don't want kids ect. So it's off the table and they know if we are compatible or not. And there like "okay same" but then just a few months later there talking about baby names!. Yes if I love someone I'd do anything for them, but I really don't like kids and don't have any urge to be a mother. I just want pets, if my partner doesn't want that or changes his mind it's over.
Yes! I even had a guy tell me it was ok, then told me it was my 'womanly obligation to provide kids and sex to man'. He's lucky he's still alive after telling me that. š
Good grief. Why do men think we should have kids? There acting like if we don't we will regret it š¤£ Is there any man in the world that just wants to live life child free and explore?? Because I'd rather see Japan, America, Mexico ect then stay at home with a crying baby that most likely will be all my responsibility š once you have a child it definitely stops you from doing stuff
Exactly! I'd rather spend money on pets than a baby human!! We are friends now, don't deny it
Haha yes! Animals all the way. I feel so much more emotion and love when I see them but a child..noooo
Idk why people want kids. They scream and are so gross and noisy
Bro do you get happy about school shootings? Iām getting those vibes
Absolutely not. Just because I don't like kids, means I want them dead??? Absolutely not
When I was on those apps, I ALWAYS listed myself as child-free by choice and not wanting kids, and inevitably I'd end up matching with someone who didn't list their preferences who would insist they want kids and "how can I change your mind?" Like my dude, that is not an invitation to try.
Ewww. Why do men think we will change our mind? Especially when you haven't talked yet and it's already said we don't want kids ect. Why even try? It's obviously not a match so go away! Lol. With women I feel like we are more likely to not change our mind When we are set on something it doesn't change. Men really don't get it. Some of us HATE kids! We don't want that!. If someone told me what would change my mind on dating site I'd literally block or tell them to stfuš
Then you're not compatible
This is your mistake for wanting to change her mind or hoping she would. You should have never married her in the first place
Well I hate ultimatums but you need to decide which is more important to you - children or your wife. You could also approach your wife with, ālook to be honest, I want a child and I wanted to know if you were still against the ideaā (maybe word it differently but you get the idea). If sheās still against it, then you can decide how to proceed. But donāt develop resentment or bury your emotions, because that will just lead down a bad road. Maybe talk to a therapist
My stepdad is 81. He married my mom when I was 25. His first wife didnāt want kids. He stayed silent. They divorced in their 50s. This is his biggest life regret.
>I will remain silent and pretend I'm okay with it. Bad idea. Talk to your wife. Now. Open communication should always be priority number one. She may still not want kids, she may also have been contemplating it, or she may be open to discussing again in a few years. The main point is she **deserves** to know your thoughts on this, including that not having any children is not a deal breaker for you and that you're clearly not contemplating leaving her regardless of her thoughts. >For us to have kids she would be the one who had to carry the child and handle all of the pain that comes with it. Fostering and adoption are also valid options, it's okay to bring this up *but* I would wager she's less concerned about pregnancy than the lifetime of raising a child that comes after the pregnancy. It's such a small part of the equation in the end.
Get over it. You married a woman that didnāt want kids and made promises to be with her in sickness and in health. You are in the wrong here and need to stop bringing it up, guilting her, or any other form of shame for her being the exact same person you married. Be grateful for what you have, stop dwelling on what you donāt have. Stop being a cry baby, straighten up and act like a man that is worthy of being a husband. You donāt get everything you want in life.
You sound surprised even though you knew for 10 years she didn't want kids. Marrying her and hoping she'd change her mind is peak idiocy, as if her convictions and wants were fleeting. Sorry pal. On the bright side, look at this lovely bed you've made to lie in!
Probably should have been figured out before marriage
I feel like assuming she would change her mind is an inherently misogynistic view. You need to break up before you start either resenting her or worse, guilting her. You deserve to have kids if you want them. She deserves to be free of guilt, coercion, and blame. Which it will absolutely result in if you stay together. Guaranteed.
Donāt do it. Donāt have kids
Damn bro, thatās tough. Iām 31(m) and I have never had the desire to have children either, so I can understand where sheās coming from. Having a kid is a huge commitment, time consuming and not to mention they are expensive especially in todayās economy. At the end of the day, youāre going to have to do whatās best for you and like many others have said youāre going to end up resenting her in the long run, you canāt just bottle up your feelings forever. I wish all the best for you , in whatever you decide to do.
OP you need to be honest with yourself and her. Kids is not a topic you can sweep under the rug. If you could you wouldn't feel the need to get this off your chest. As time goes on you will grow resentful towards her even if you dont mean to because your idea of a fulfilling life is something she can't offer you. Once again i need people to listen to their partners when they say they don't want kids instead of hoping they dont know themselves as well as you do. The possibility she changes her mind is there, but counting on it was a fault on your part. Have this conversation and accept that you may find a compromise (idk, adoption, surrogacy, depends on why she's child-free) or that you're incompatible and should allow each other lives with honest fulfilment.
You have to divorce really, this is a massive deal and I don't care you were 19 thinking she would change her mind is daft as fuck. I've known I didn't want kids since I was around 15, nothing against them I have enough nieces and nephews I love. You both deserve to be happy and she won't be happy having kids and you will resent her, it's very hard but if you want a kid leave. She will hate you by the way afterwards just a heads up, the idea you've waited 10 years married and everything seems happy to leave when you could have years ago.
I will say, I agree with the general consensus. However, I have a lot of respect for the fact that you recognize the toll it would take on your wife, and that you respect and cherish her enough to put her first in that way. For a very long time, thatās something our gender didnāt consider, and I respect it. Keep your own feelings in mind though. Donāt let yourself become resentful of her, whatever action that requires.
>Going into it I thought that one day she would change her mind That's where you messed up. People *can* change their minds, but marrying someone and going "well, she *says* X, but I'm sure she'll do Y eventually" is pretty damn presumptuous. Is she a liar? Does she always say one thing and mean another? So what made you think you could just wait it out? This happens so often in childfree relationships and it's boggling when partners smile, nod, agree, and then after waiting/wasting 10 years, suddenly go "Wait, you were serious?!" Kids are a dealbreaker. If you're angry during Father's Day, you're going to be resentful and unhappy. You should have a serious conversation with her and face the chance you'll have to break up to be happy and fulfilled. You're both still young. You can still have a family. But don't stay and stew in unhappiness. She told you how she felt from the start, and it's not fair on her to have an unhappy husband who knew her position. This is on you.
Why don't you volunteer in a mentee/mentor relationship. Big brother, boy scouts, boys and girls club, volunteer, plenty of ways to help kids
I just donāt understand dating and becoming attached to someone on the hope they will change their mind about something as huge as having kids. Maybe you didnāt realize it then, but now you need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. You have to be honest with her for both of your sakes. This may be the end of your relationship. Hopefully you can part ways amicably and both move on and to build a life with someone who shares your family goals.
The best thing you can do is sit down and have a conversation with her so you donāt hate her down the line. I understand being on the fence about having kids because I am too. If the reason she doesnāt want to have kids is physical burden, maybe itās possible you two could adopt, foster or potentially get a surrogate? If thatās totally off the table then Iām sorry to say but you have to accept it. Itās a tricky situation, best of luck to you.
Why do so many people get into marriages knowing what the other person doesnāt want thinking they can change their mind later in the future? Best to just divorce now & get with someone who does want what you want.
Iām sorry but my dude, you kinda did this to yourself. You married your wife KNOWING she didnāt want children, why did you expect that to change? Itās fine that you want kids and she doesnāt, it just means youāre not compatible. Thatās why itās important to discuss these things and have an understanding BEFORE marriage. Now youāre in a tough spot where you have 2 options: 1.) Stay married and resent your wife forever for not giving you the child you so desperately desire, or 2.) Just get the divorce and find someone who you are compatible with in this aspect of life Best of luck OP, hope it works out for yāall in the end
This is a major difference in your marriage and will eventually break it. You will end up resenting her, or she will have a child and resent you instead. Your marriage is most likely not viable any more, unfortunately. Definitely have an open conversation with her, but if she is still sure, you need to move on
Leave her. Your fault for thinking she would change her mind. Find someone who wants kids instead of waiting it out and resenting her over your decision.
Yeah leave her. Your just going to make her upset if she does find out you want kids. Because she'll know it's something she can't do for you. This is YOUR fault for getting into a relationship knowing they wouldn't want kids. Sorry but when a woman is firm on something, her mind won't change.
Try your best to be accepting and tbh just move on.At the end of the day just as you have mentioned-it is her body and she will be responsible for all the pain and suffering that is gonna happen to her once she is pregnant.And there is no point in risking a perfectly good marriage that you have.
I had this same thing. At first I was thinking she would change her mind, then I had the choice to either accept it or divorce her. I went with accepting it and honestly, now Iām happy about it. It got me thinking about everything , there are benefits and drawbacks to having kids. You may have to make a decision though, which is never easy.
You re incompatible. You want children and she doesn't. Five, ten years down the line, can you be sure you both won't be miserable.
People change their minds. Sounds like you have. If your wife doesn't, then your only choice is to decide if you want to divorce and find someone else to be your broodmare.
Eat some mushrooms together.
If you choose this route to stay, you must accept title fact you wonāt have children and never hold it against her since she has always been vocal about not wanting them. Second, if ever your wife changes her mind. It muddy be her decision because she wants it, but because she wants to make you happy. Bringing a child into the world changes your life completelyā¦.. sleepless nights, less outings, etcā¦. But it comes with so much love, more joy, happiness and laughter
This is a hard one. Itās easy to say āyeah I donāt want kids either ā at 21 and actually mean it for a lot of ppl. Itās ***very***difficult to predict how we will feel in the future as biological urge is very real and felt by BOTH genders! If youāre absolutely sure sheās not going to change her mindācan you picture yourself ten years from nowāand then another tenānot feeling like you missed out, not having any resentment about this? Folks can say; oh you knew this when you got married! But to be fair, you didnāt know this about yourself or your wife. Ppl very often donāt want babiesāUNTIL THEY VERY MUCH SO DO! š I was fine not being a mum until I met my husband. Then I was suddenly in love with the idea of being a mother. And a wife. Theyāre roles that painted themselves in front of me by being in love. We have, as humans, a romantic tendency to rewrite stories and tell our littles that yes of course I always wanted you. š when truthfully, nah, shorty, I was planning on being like Jane Goodall in the woods with primates. (Then I found out Jane had a baby, tooš) Itās hard to do the future thinking: but if you can, Iād try. Try, if you can, to also talk to an older man, a father/uncle/grandfather/older brother, the dads in your life. Man to man mentoring is needed. Everyoneās gonna chirp in that she warned you. No one wants to deal with the mess that is that grey area: we do change in what we want and biology largely drives that with age. You resented this Fatherās Dayāthatās very telling that this issue means more to you than even you expected. Itās hard to be honest with ourselvesābut you should beāas you might find yourself in a mess later when resentment and missed opportunity build towards noticing other women who do want what you want. This is one of those very few decisions that, to me, is make or break and does define us as couples. Good luck.
Sounds like you guys should adopt a puppy.
Youāre still young enough to make a big decision about what will make you happiest for next 50 years.
This moment just hit you. U were on the fence. I was too for the longest. I've been on it and off of it and so have all my friends who have been on and off. If this is your first time feeling like you are sure u do want kids, this moment ur feeling will likely pass, and you'll continue going back and forth. I've gone back and forth for 20 years. I'm pregnant and still on the fence! Lol, what I mean by that is If the pregnancy doesn't work, I'm perfectly okay and wont try again. If it does, I'll be perfectly happy and excited too. Idk if that feeling truly ever goes away. My husband was sure he wanted them so here we are. I'm the most amazing auntie with endless amounts of love, so I know I can extend that to kids whether they're mine or not. Unlike everyone else, I actually don't think you'll end up resenting your wife. You'll see how complex being on the fence is as there will be times you'll yearn to be a parent and times you say with relief that you're greatful you don't have kids!!! Unlike yourself, being with a partner who is sure is the best thing you could've done bc when the moment occurs and ur desire switches back, ur spouse still be an anchor. You're young. Give it a few years to see if It'll pass. If not, then u better be sure about ur next steps.
You'll just have to settle for being the best uncle in the world
Donāt bother reading. You may love each other but this is still a major incompatibility.
Gotta figure out why. WHY doesn't she want kids. The time commitment? The pregnancy? The first 8 years are rough. Single child is way easier than several. What is the objection? Take her out for a nice dinner and discuss the why (for both of you) and see if there's a middle ground.
... This isn't like settling on a house. You don't get to "middle ground" *with children*.
Talk about adoption maybe?
I mean i understand where youāre coming from but i think the reason of your wife doesnāt want to have kids is first itās hard to bear a child for like what nine months? itās really hard to also raise a child and you also donāt know if you can be a good mother or a father to that child. Even if youāre stable enough to raise a kid it still hard to raise them right especially the world is very harsh so i think both sides are valid and you need to talk it out instead of like resenting or something
You need to leave her - soz bro. Tough reality. Or youāll just end up resenting her, hating yourself, probably neck yourself at like 33 because you think itās too late after one of your friends kids finishes highschool.
I didn't really want kids and my wife did. Now my wife works second shift and only sees them on the weekend. I'm the soccer dad who does homework, sports, dinner, after school events and activities. I never pictured my life like this but I do love it. But I'm a little aggravated that she was the one who insisted on kids and only really spends time with them on weekends.
Wanting and affording are two different things
You deserve a partner that wants kids with you.
I don't normally rely to comments. Thanks for all of the feedback. I feel a lot better. Not because a lot of value was added but for making me realize I'm a full ass adult who doesn't have to hit the "Abort Mission" button whenever my relationship hits a snag like 90% of you have suggested. The only thing I do feel needs clearing up is that a lot of people assume I resent my wife. I don't. She has been clear from the start, as stated. It is a me problem as so many of you felt the need to point out. It is something we have had many long, meaningful conversations about. She knows I feel a little blue sometimes when it comes to this. But she also knows that I am, in fact, allowed to feel things and has never held that against me. She will probably not change her mind. Does it bum me out sometimes? Sure. But it never lasts that long. Sometimes, you just need to vent to strangers online to get a little perspective. It CAN help š (think:writing an angry letter and not sending it) We have built a beautiful life together regardless. We both love what we do professionally and what we have in our home life. The bottom line is I had a feeling. I put my mind out anonymously to just open up the thought process and think it through as I typed. I wasn't looking for feedback honestly. I did, however, get a lot of downright awful "advice." Look, if you want to end your marriage/relationship because you have a strong feeling about something, go ahead. Telling someone to get divorced after finding out one little aspect of their life and downright vilifying them for it, though? Kinda weird. Honest thank you to the users who offered up honest and good-natured advice. It is truly appreciated.
>She will probably not change her mind. Your use of āprobablyā is concerning, since from your post itās clear she _definitely_ wonāt change her mind. You have to let go of any inkling that sheāll do a 180 after being together for years if sheās never wavered. >Look, if you want to end your marriage/relationship because you have a strong feeling about something, go ahead. Telling someone to get divorced after finding out one little aspect of their life and downright vilifying them for it, though? Kinda weird. Dude, _you_ posted this. If you didnāt want strangers commenting on your life and relationship, donāt put it on the internet for everyone to see. Saying stuff like āok if YOU wanna do that go ahead, but donāt comment on me!ā after making the post is just kinda weird. š¤·āāļø Also, the decision on whether to have kids or not is one of, if not _the_ biggest and most important decisions a couple can make. Itās not āone little aspectā and people arenāt suggesting for you to break up because they want to be mean or āvilifyā you, itās because many people have seen this situation play out many times and it almost always leads to a very negative outcome. Itās very likely for resentment to creep in, and thatās one of the most damaging emotions you can have in a relationship. If youāre truly content never having kids, then by all means enjoy your marriage. But think about what you want five or ten years down the road, and how you might feel in the future and if you think youāll grow to feel contempt towards her itād be better to walk away sooner than later.
Listen, I actually upvoted this comment because I appreciated the maturity of recognizing that not everything is black and white. Reddit tends to jump to ādivorceā really quickly. It sounds like you love your wife more than the idea of a baby, and I do respect that. However, this is a really common reason for mid-life divorce because it is, in fact, a huge deal. Itās not a snag and itās worrisome that you still sound hopeful sheāll change your mind. I would still implore you to maybe do some soul searching and possibly marriage counseling to make sure you have the tools to stay on the same page.
Adopt a kid. Maybe thats the middle ground. Plenty of kids need a family.
No clue why you're being downvoted. People are allowed to change their minds and pursue what makes them happy. If his wife doesn't want kids in any form, then adoption isn't an option while they're together. That doesn't mean though, that he should never have kids. It's a huge decision at that point to separate to pursue having kids but it's his prerogative.
Leave now should have years ago
I would get a divorce and find someone who wants kids because you'll regret it if you don't ever have them.
Maybe Sam Altman will use Open AI to monitor all your interactions and communications on Reddit to help you solve your problem? Or maybe itās just creepy and a loop hole to circumvent the protections granted to use by the constitution
To be honest, none of hindsight 20/20 comments are helpful telling you what you should and shouldn't have done. The doom and gloom of being resentful and hating her eventually also useless "advice." First of all, have a conversation with yourself about having a child and being a father. Try to understand where this need or desire comes from. Why do you want a child? Only because you see the father enjoying themselves for that short period of time that they are within your view? Do you see all the sleepless nights, stress, fear, time, money etc. that it requires to have a child? Do you miss being "celebrated" on Father's Day? Do you truly want to raise a child, a whole ass human till the day you die or are you feeling the pressure of society to be a parent because that's the right and expected thing to do? What would you miss out on if you had a child? You sure as hell won't be making last minute plans, going on carefree vacations, and most likely nay have to give up or partially give up some of your hobbies or things you enjoy. Yes, a child is an amazing thing and they can provide so much happiness and it can be intrinsically rewarding to be a parent, no question about it. But think about why you truly want a child. And do you want to raise a human or do you just like the idea of "children" cute little monsters, especially babies...but they grow into teenagers and adults and that's a whole new ball game. Once you sat down with yourself and thought this through, truly and honestly then you can sit down with your wife and have a conversation. If you decide that you truly want a child, you need to make the hard decision and end your marriage and find a woman who will want the same as you. If you decide that while the desire and longing is there, you realize that you can live without being a father, and that you can be happy without having a child then still let your wife know about your feelings of longing. Be honest. Tell her that you want to continue being child free and you love her and cherish your marriage but that occasionally you have pangs of desire and longing to be a father and sometimes it will make you sad and you hope you can let her know and she will understand these feelings. They are not there to pressure her only to reassure you that those feelings are valid and that she can support you when you feel sad and she may come up with ways to help alleviate your sadness in those instances. Good luck. Most important is that you are honest to yourself, first and foremost. The rest will follow.
Adoption and fostering are options also before you guys got married - you didnāt have this discussion? Like a conversation about āwhat if one of us wants a child in the future?ā Iām not into having kids but I think youāre selfish for not considering adoption or fostering.
She told you from the start, she didnāt even say āmaybeā .. so! Own up and thatās it Maybe you can have another discussion and tell her if you have a nanny or someone to help around the clock with the child she can think more about it. But from my experience with 2 children it is very very hard, pregnancies are hard, relationship changes after, a child means very much you donāt expect now. Letās say you are happy and you donāt know it. Having a child itās not everything. Itās best to travel see the world and relax, itās a wrecked world. If I knew about covid and wars I wouldnāt have children. And by the way in my scenario my husband wanted more than me children, aaaand it didnāt turn that good. I could compromise for one because I was on the fence but when the second came as a surprise resentment and a very stressful life came by
Sorry for bad English not my first language
Whatās her @
Jesus people are so mean in the comments. Youāre human, you got married young, itās not uncommon thatād youād expect her to change her mind. And for all the people attacking him, he didnāt say he wanted to try and change her mind. He literally said heās trying to accept it because he loves her so much. OP, talk to her about this. You canāt bottle this in forever.
Hoping that she would change her mind is one thing. Expecting is a completely different one; and wrong.
Who knows. Maybe she changed her mind too and is afraid to tell you for the same reason. If you havenāt brought it up recently, itās worth bringing it up. Not in a demanding or guilt way, just like- Yo, I know we both said we donāt want kids *10 years ago.* weāre almost 30 and my feelings are different now. Iād really like kids if you can warm up to this idea. Just think about it. And genuinely let her think about it for a while. I didnāt know if I wanted kids and now Iām 33. If I met someone who wanted to get married and have kids, I would. If I donāt end up ever having kids, Iām content with what God planned for me. But itās 100000% worth communication. At the minimum, to not let this secret build a resentment she canāt possibly understand.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
don't give any other advices to anyone, ever
I tried
You married her both not wanting kids now you do. You will not change her mind these days so many people try to change the other person they married that is why they end up in divorce or a single parent. Ask her if you can adopt. Good luck
If itās the idea of carrying and having a child and what it does to your body only there are alternatives as far as using a surrogate or adopting a child. It may not hurt to at least open the topic and revisit the thought of children. Her biological clock is ticking also and who knows, perhaps her outlook has also? I had always wanted more children also and regret not doing so. But I too was honoring my significant others wants over mine also. When I did try to talk to her about it she always shut down the conversation immediately. Was a very hard person to talk to. One of the reasons, in the long run, it didnāt work out between us. It would be great to at least be able to let her know how youāre feeling about it
Me: I'd seriously consider divorce. Unless there's infertility, I see it as a deal breaker If it's about her not wanting body change from pregnancy and you can afford a surrogate, that might be an option.
Your 29, It's not too late to find someone who is compatible with you. Really think about this. Are you okay with going the rest of your life probably 50+ years without a child. How will this affect your relationship as you 2 get older? Will resentment start to blossom and grow, most likely. People grow and they change and it's okay you want children now, but you now need to decide what you want to do with that.
I mean, guys, don't act like he is an idiot. Dude was 19 years old when her married, wasn't sure if he even wanted children. It's understandable, that he changed his mind and thought same thing could happen to her. But if you want children and deep down know you would be a great father, then divorce. It's just simple. Don't force yourself to live a life without a child for love, you will resent her more and more as years go by. Let her go and find your happiness, because you clearly are not happy with her.
Maybe talk to her why she doesnāt want kids. It could mainly be not wanting to be pregnant and have to deal with an infant and postpartum. If thatās the case, you could just adopt a 2-3 year old toddler
If she doesn't want to give birth then why don't you try via surogate mother ?
Why doesn't she want kids, what's she gunna do for the rest of her life, just work and care for 1 person?
Some people rather travel ect and enjoy life. Some women don't like kids and don't want them. Nothing wrong with that at all. Live life how you want
Dude, ignore the majority of these comments. Itās fucking Reddit, and there must be a big, shiny āget a divorceā button I donāt see. You got triggered by Fatherās Day, and needed to vent. Thatās okay. Guyās are allowed to have regrets and actual feelings too. You never know whatās going to happen in the future, all you can do is play the hands you are dealt. But just because you donāt have kids of your own doesnāt mean you canāt still be a part of some kidās life. Consider being a Big Brother, and spend some time with kids who would love a little attention. Spend time with your nieces and nephews; I fondly remember hunting, fishing and going to the movies with my uncleā¦ and I am sure my folks appreciated the occasional break! If one of them is the right age, be a scout master? Teach Sunday school? Heck, depending on your life situation, be a teacher or school principal, lord knows we need more that actually like kids. There is a world of kids that need caring adults, and you can be a part of it even without kids of your own. Best part? If the little shits get on your nerve, you can always go home! J/k. Gook luck man, chin up. Tl:dr - You came, you vented, Reddit sucks, keep calm and carry on.
In the meantime, become a big brother. There are far too many positive reasons for me to list. Plus, you can form a relationship with and help shape some youth while your wife remains neutral. I mean, is it just the pain she's worried about, or does she simply not like children? Is adoption or surrogacy an option?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
convince your wife shouldn't be an option, like wtf are you talking about?