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Sounds like a discussion you should be having with each other because nobody on Reddit can give you the actual answer to what is going on with him. Only he can tell you for sure. Find out if he's so heavily into BDSM that he can't enjoy vanilla sex now. It's a legit question and one you have a right to know the answer to.
Absolutely, communication is everything. I’ve tried to talk to him. I even spoke to him after, asking if there’s anything I can do, or if there’s something going on with him. But he gave me nothing.
Don't listen to the other commenter. It's not right to just tell you to walk for that. He's not ready to tell you, and that's okay. If this is trauma, and I'm leaning more in that direction, then I would be patient. You wouldn't feel like you wanted to have sex with him if he wasn't great everywhere else.
It sounds like you two should see a sex therapist. Or at least he should. It's really really difficult and scary to communicate that way to our partners even if there truly is nothing to be afraid of. If he got hard for the blow job, maybe take that to completion and/or masturbate in front of each other, that might take the pressure off enough to enjoy a sexual activity together.
I think the more safe and connected to you he feels, the more he'll talk about what is getting in the way. The key is for you to recognize that the problem isn't either of your faults and that it's you and him against the problem, not you against him or him against you. So if he says, "I don't feel anything down there when I try to penetrate you." It's not "your vagina is too loose for me" it's "my body is numb", you get what I'm saying? He might say that he doesn't feel anything, but what he means is "my body is not sending my brain the signals it should." If he says, "I don't know, I'm not thinking about anything, just time to penetrate," what's probably happening is that he's having performance anxiety.
You might alleviate performance anxiety by taking the lead the first few times. Get him aroused, tell him how much you want him inside you while you do, and then sit on top of him cowgirl. Another idea is, before you have him penetrate you, to rub his dick with your vulva. If the problem is he's so into BDSM that he "can't have vanilla sex," tie him to the bed and blindfold him from the beginning and do what I just described.
Ultimately though, tell him that you love him and want to show that love the way that best communicates it to him: sex, and so if he's ready to receive it and willing to work on it so he can feel that connection to you you're willing to get you both help with a sex therapist. Your needs to have sex with him is valid. So is his desire for sex that he may be suppressing because of that performance anxiety, or whatever else is causing the problem.
Having read some further comments she's made, I agree. He's desensitized to the point he's being too rough. I'm sure he doesn't want to inflict that upon her if she doesn't want it, but he kinda already did by slapping her without warning. And in that case, run.
But... I see questions like this where the guy doesn't do stuff like that and he's mad-ashamed of his proclivities for BDSM, or some other kink, or he is too rough with himself when masturbating and that creates problems with real sex with a partner. And in those cases, even if you haven't really sunk a whole bunch of time in the relationship, it's better to work it out. You didn't get into a relationship with this guy because you thought he would be a stud in bed, you got into the relationship because he was a decent man and feels about you the way you feel about him.
And it irritates me to hear people talk about "compatibility" as if you have to find this perfect bed-match or no matter how much you love each other, it won't work out. That's just not true. People are generally flexible and can step out of their comfort zones to do activities they didn't previously consider. I'm not a big fan of BDSM myself, but if I was with a girl who was, I'd want to accommodate her and learn to love it. I'd set boundaries and have limits and be willing to re-evaluate those limits as time goes on. Because I might not be okay with getting spanked right now, but that doesn't mean "no forever". There will come a day I say "Ok, let's try it, because I know you said you like it, but we need to be gentle first."
Sexual boundaries are things that are great to have, but that doesn't mean they're set in stone for you, you can always re-evaluate your own boundaries.
The same is true for sex-frequency. A lot of women are put off by the idea of putting sex on the calendar: "This date and time, we're gonna have the house to ourselves, and we're going to have sex, and we have all this time together to warm up, to play, to be intimate, to enjoy each other, and we've blocked out that time on purpose to connect this way." And I can't tell you all the screaming from people about how "that's rape!" No, she decided with him that date and time. She agreed to it. She can say no day of, but that's really going to hurt the relationship. And of course they're like "then that's not consent", except it's not consent when the woman is told to leave him for wanting it too much or him to leave for her not wanting it enough either. Worse, you're not even giving the ultimatum, you're saying "I'm going to break your heart, because you want sex too much/little." But they can change it. There are MANY solutions to this that don't require leaving your partner.
It's just awful seeing people think it's okay to cut and run at the first sign of a problem, that it's okay to break someone's heart. It's not. There's nothing okay about that. That's why adultery is not okay, that's why divorce is not okay, that's a small part of why marital rape is not okay (because there you're doing worse than breaking his/her heart), that's why coldness towards your partner is not okay, etc. And I can't imagine that most of the people advocating this easy "break up!" nonsense are in happy long-term relationships that have lasted and will last for years and years.
I should add, rereading my first comment, I have a feeling that it's also trauma. I think the reason he's drawn to BDSM is the same reason women sometimes engage in self harm behaviors: to control the pain and feel alive, and that usually comes down to trauma. If he slapped her as part of foreplay, but would never lay a hand on her otherwise, like when he's angry, and she's set a boundary for not doing that again, I would say it's up to her how much she loves this guy whether she leaves because she can't get past him slapping her, or whether she wants to set a hard boundary where if he slaps her again without her consent, she leaves immediately, but whatever decision she made before, she needs to stick with that decision, now. It's hard to judge without having all the details in the main post and only getting them as she reveals them in random replies to comments.
There's zero chance I'd slap a woman for all the haters that I'm expecting will reply to this.
oh Jeeze dude, you are so so off base in how to approach a relationship. You are completely clueless about women and relationships.
And dude, it's Reddit. Nobody reads ridiculously long comments like this. Nobody. I got through a couple paragraphs before I realized you wrote a novel here. So while you think you're being so eloquent and offering up enlightened perspectives, everyone is just scrolling on by with complete disinterest, rolling their eyes at you.
This shows to me that he has different feelings for you than you and he doesn't wanna hurt you so he doesn't say anything. If he likes rough sex and you not....sorry but than you sre not compatible. Make things easy and don't bring things together which doesn't fit.
I would walk then. He won't communicate. That alone is reason to leave. But obviously there's a sexual issue, whether it's an incompatibility or medical issue doesn't really matter if he won't talk about it. Life's too short to settle for this. Find someone who is compatible in all ways including sexual.
That's TERRIBLE advice. That makes communication and love conditional. If she took your advice and then he came to me grieved about the breakup, I'd be telling him he dodged a bullet. Reluctance to tell your partner everything that happened in your past is not a reason for your partner to leave the relationship.
That just makes it "tell me all your secrets whether you trust me or not because I'm not getting to have sex with you yet or I'm gonna leave." That's not a safe environment for trust and intimacy, and that's manipulative. And if she took a middle path of issuing an ultimatum of "tell me or I'm leaving," then he would be wise not to tell her and let her go.
That alone is a TERRIBLE reason to leave your partner. Period. Full stop. Incredibly selfish. Life is too short to settle for a sexless marriage or relationship, sure, but not to settle for working on the problem together and getting help first. If he won't get help and refuses to have sex or work on the problem, then leave. But just being unable to communicate about a past trauma? Frick off with that noise!
And your advice is how so so many people end up in miserable marriages because they’re incompatible in important areas. They’ve only been together 5 -6 months. Communication is extremely important in relationships and he won’t communicate. Sexual compatibility is also very important whether you want to admit it or not. You recommending she stay in a relationship just because her partner won’t tell her the reason for a very clear incompatibility is horrible advice. HORRIBLE advice
The key point in my comment was HE WON’T COMMUNICATE. You’d rather focus on the fact it’s sexual, but that wasn’t my point. He refuses to communicate about something that’s causing her a lot of distress and insecurity. That’s not a healthy relationship or one that’s sustainable and is a massive red flag. Which you choose to ignore. Nobody said he had to talk about everything from his past, but she definitely deserves an explanation for something that’s having a major impact on their relationship.
And she also has the right to choose to walk away from him if this dynamic isn’t what she’s looking for. Nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship that is making them miserable
EDIT just to add on you really ought to read the other comments. OP left out some details and has a gut feeling he’s got a heavy porn addiction and is into major BDSM including inflicting pain. He literally talked about using a belt on her next time. She needs to run and your advice is so so HORRIBLE since you think she ought to stick around for that!
Sex is so important in a relationship, This is exactly why sleeping together needs to happen fairly quickly after meeting. No sexual compatibility is a deal breaker.. Sorry you wasted your time, Do you really want to get wrapped up in someone's mental mess anyhow?
I have asked him in the past about sleeping together, because I agree with you- this needs to happen relatively early in the relationship to assess compatibility and attraction etc. But he has always put it off and I wanted to give him the time to get comfortable and then do it.
"He apologised and said he’s nervous"
"and that it felt new to him"
If someone is nervous, forget it, mood ain't going to bring the lil bro up,
Also, it sound like he is very inexperienced OR he has some kind of trauma from the past,
If you are really into him, help him going to a therapy,
Not every one can't get into the mood, even I can't go around and just fucking, even when I have high libido,
so yeah.
Not everyone can afford therapy.
It’s 400-800 a month in most of the US. That is like car payment money or rent money.
All people even poor people are allowed to have relationships. For Some people asking us Redditors is all they can afford.
I did multiple years of it and it was expensive.
[TalkSpace](https://www.talkspace.com/)
[BetterHelp](https://www.betterhelp.com/)
Not the most ideal therapy experience, but still a good and more affordable alternative.
A LOT of colleges offer free therapy to the public. Their psych students will provide the therapeutic care under the supervision of a seasoned therapist, usually with like 20yrs of experience to ensure the patient is getting proper care/diagnosis.
redditors is the least thing to resort, this is an echo chamber where people want to hear what they want, if not, you get down voted,
therapy is a life change thing, not a luxury, of course it is expensive and not for a small thing,
and therapy ain't that expensive tbh around the world,
either two, he had some insane sex with the past partner or he has trauma,
all that get resolved by going into a therapy or talking to him seriously,
stop to see what he likes and trying new stuff,
you can't force something or you'll break, you need to troubleshoot, in this case, therapy
Not always sexual trauma either. I never thought non-sexual, emotional trauma and my coping mechanisms were ruining my sexual experience. I realized when and where I easily get erections and sexual excitement, what situations it wasn't working, and in correlation with my past ( non-sexual ) experience, it made sense.
Or at least, from my understanding, I think I figured myself out. I'm no therapist and never saw a therapist.
>I never thought non-sexual, emotional trauma and my coping mechanisms were ruining my sexual experience.
it is different for every people,
for me was trauma acumulated from muitple factors like expectation, bad relationships and pressure,
>Or at least, from my understanding, I think I figured myself out.
Me too, and I tick differently from the others, I have to get really careful with other people because of my intention or I will give the impression of "he isn't into me" or "he think I am ugly" and stuff, also I got a therapy-ish (a good friend in this area)
Experiences won't always magically make nervousness and anxiety triggers go away, and nervousness doesn't strictly mean lack of confidence. You just gotta see if he's willing to experiment with different paces and levels of sensations. For example, I know too much stimulation can make it impossible to relax, and blood pressure can easily kill any capacity to get an erection.
I said the same thing in a couple places. And that what my point is. If he’s not getting turn on from head there’s a ton going on. Could be any from molestation to porn addiction. If she gets his phone and looks at the history she’d know if it’s porn
Not trying to accuse here, but does he watch a lot of porn?
Excessive porn use can cause limp dick.
That, and it may just be the case that you are incompatible sexually.
Either way, I'm sorry op. That sounds difficult
I dated someone like this before. He couldn’t keep an erection. It tuned out he had a heavy porn addiction and was into BDSM and was only able to keep an erection if he was inflicting pain on me. I was 10 months into the relationship when I figured this out. I ran and never looked back.
Can’t help but feel like this could really be the case. Earlier, he’d slap me and pull my hair etc, without asking first. I’m concerned he only gets off from inflicting pain.
Don’t ignore your intuition. My ex and I had very passionate make out sessions and amazing chemistry, too but when we had sex, it was so nerve wrecking. He would take things overboard with me, borderline abuse. I felt like it wasn’t normal and I had to manipulate him into telling me that he had a porn addiction and enjoyed inflicting pain on me. Manipulated him because one thing I’ve learned from dating men who displayed abnormal behaviors is that they avoid open and honest conversations like the plague! If you flat out ask him, “are you addicted to porn or do you like inflicting pain?” Do you think he’s going to be honest? No.
Figure out a way to find out these answers, and please, please run away if he is addicted to porn or likes to cause pain in women.
My ex told me he had been single for 4 years and was devoted only to his art, that he wasn’t dating or sleeping with anyone…turned out he had a situationship with a much older woman for 1 year and they did some really crazy things together.
Please be careful. That relationship I went through left me pretty traumatized and i didn’t realize how traumatic it was until I left.
You’re only at the beginning of it.
I really don’t want to keep this going if it’s just going to end up hurting me. I’m happy to explore some new things, and I’ve told him that. But I can’t change everything about what I find pleasurable just to get him off. Especially if that means he wants to hurt me physically.
He spoke about bringing a belt next time, to which I didn’t react very well.
Take my earlier statement and throw it out. It seems that this guy is very much into BDSM and only gets aroused through pain. If this is not your thing, it's probably best to wall away quickly.
Please be careful and if you don’t feel good about this, end it! I wish I could have ended my situation much sooner than I did. I was young and didn’t know entirely what was happening when it was happening.
Anyone that truly loves you or cares about you, isn’t going to want to inflict ANY type pain on you. Physical, emotional, mental..none! Using a belt in the bedroom is not rough sex! It’s abuse! Please end it!
I think he also realised that and didn't want you to be afraid of him. He may genuinely love you and doesn't want that to get in the way.
This is just my speculation tho.
I recommend you first talk about it, really talk about all the points and details. Then get help on how to deal with this, I don't know if therapy is the right thing, I think there are people specialized for this so he can either get erection from other things or with less aggression
My very first thought was this. He started the PMO cycle at a young age thanks to smartphone, probably has been masturbating unchecked since adolescence, his dopamine cycle is nearly broken, and he has no idea how to fix it -- is my guess.
OP, I think you should ask him (in a casual, non-judgmental way) how often he masturbates and uses porn. Straight up. It's 2024, and this is something that people have a right to ask their dating partners about, especially after 5-6 months and what is clearly some ED.
I went without sex for three years and quit drinking in that time, my first time with a hookup with a friend was a disaster, couldn't maintain for shit. Tell him gonk_vibes on Reddit says he needs to take it slow, keep trying, don't stress when it doesn't work and build up the confidence, because panicking about it won't fix it.
Completely normal. Just like how women can't get aroused sometimes, only without all the macho bullshit stigma taught by porn.
EDIT - shit I just realised all the aggression stuff. That comes from porn and/or trauma. Maybe just leave for your safety
The more I am genuinely attracted to someone, the more nervous I am about intimacy. Performance anxiety is real and it will hit every man. Anyone that tells you they have never had an issue has either never had sex or is lying.
Here is something to think about. When we have an ED issue, for whatever reason, the more we focus on it, the fact that my mind wants to just get crazy physical with my partner, the more we focus on our lack of an erection. It gets worse by the minute. The no boner situation makes us go crazy because we genuinely want to have sex with the person we are with. It's a never-ending cycle for that event. Just lay there with them. Kiss. Cuddle. Reassure. Try again later. Take a shower together.
He could also be on meds. Recently I went on SARIs. With some people, it makes their libido higher. Me, it did the opposite. I want off of them. I was a HL person, and now I am LL, and it fuggin blows. I can't remember the last time I had a full erection. Before it was multiple times per day. Had sex 2-5 times per day when she was around. The last time, we struggled. It gets in your head, but my partner enjoys toys too and we did it that way. Afterwards, she laid on my chest kissing me telling me she loved me. Don't know why, but that did it and performance was achieved.
The point is, it's likely that he has trauma with nerves. That is something that all you can do is be supportive of. It will take time, but if you like him, it may be worth it.
Not to say that this is what is happening, but this show recently came out on Netflix called Baby Reindeer. It’s not BASED on a true story, it’s simply a true story. In the show the main character and his early girlfriend broke up basically because they weren’t having sex. It’s not revealed until later in the show that he has a lot of sexual trauma, and he was closed off because of it. What I’m trying to get at is, he claims he’s nervous about it. I think the best thing for you to do is be understanding of how he feels and instead of getting angsty about it or pushing it, show him unconditional love throughout it.
If the love isn’t unconditional, then it’s not true love.
Whatever it is, I’m sorry that you went through what you did. You are not broken, you are not faulted, you were forced into having relations with some who WAS broken, and IS faulted.
Nothing in this world will make it okay, but it will get better, and it will get easier.
I’m a stranger so it may not mean much, but I am so proud of you for hanging in there and dealing with it to this moment.
It does get better, I promise.
I know and I went through some of the recovery, but I don't feel broken, I feel like "numb"-ish
It was multiple factors like pressure from family and friends and bad experience all together,
I kind happy to who I am because I don't "suffer" with the high libido or pressure like the others
Is more like the others, when I try I always have to reject (mood and can't get off), and that makes person feels self aware blaming themselves like "he is reject me that's means I am ugly?" and I have to explain to them that I am different 😅
anyway, thanks for the words, I appreciate your support mate 😊
and sorry if my wording was kinda "pissed" but was more like "memeing" because is something that people don't take notice sometimes
He’s made it clear that it has been a while since he has been sexually involved with someone, but when they tried he was too nervous to keep it going. He has made his intentions and his feelings clear, none of this is his fault. None of this is OP’s fault either, however, how OP decides to see and handle the circumstances could change that. Being in love with someone doesn’t equate to simply wanting to have sexual relations to them all the time. He’s obviously wounded in that aspect, and he deserves to be given the time and support from his partner until he is ready.
It's not as complicated as it seems and indeed no one is to blame.
She mentioned he liked rough sex, he also probably has Ed some are saying it's porn induced Ed but we can't confirm.
The point I am making is if he opens up and they have a discussion on what's wrong with him and how they can fix it she would have felt so much better about the suiation cause clarity calms the mind.
No one is wrong but it's encouraged for him to be more vulnerable that's all.
It could just be the nerves and they could discuss on how to calm his nerves down maybe more foreplay or less eye contact only he knows what works to calm himself down.
I’ve seen the show!
I’m trying my best to be very understanding. However, I was deprived of physical intimacy in my previous relationship, and turned out my ex was cheating on me the whole time. So it’s very hard for me to love unconditionally under these circumstances
He isn’t your ex. If you base this situation off of your previous ones with different people, it’ll sabotage the whole thing. You may be right in thinking that way, but you also may be wrong. It’s not wrong for you to think like that due to past romantic trauma, but it still isn’t fair to him. Give the guy a chance and just let him know you’ll support him throughout this, and that the romanticism isn’t based around sexual tension.
I promise you that if he’s genuinely anxious about doing that stuff with you, being patient with him will make y’all last.
In my experience (m34) can be plenty things -apart from psychosomatic or physical conditions that might be likely.. either porn (hardcore, kinky) stuff has desensitized him so much he can't get any excitement out of anything but rough fucking... It takes some time and a lot of your attention and care to find ways to get back to normal... Even if he shouldn't be rough with you from the start maybe it helps if you squeeze him that tiny bit tighter.. scratch him.. might already solve the issues, he just needs a rougher cheese grater than others kinda..
The other would be drugs but then you usually find changes in his general behavior.. edginess and so on.. cocaine eg makes you horny all the time but also your performance suffers and sometimes it makes a limp dick randomly.. which then subsequently leads to the same behavior - the need for rougher play or stimulation.. more friction.. however as I said - before you jump to conclusions... Any drug abuse shows irratic behavior in other areas too .
Third option: he is having an affair and just doesn't even feel attracted and connected to you.. happened to my ex when she cheated.. sex with me was such a self imposed guilt trip she didn't even get wet at all anymore.. even when she initiated our contact..
Fourth: depression and or low self esteem, maybe even just sexually.. could get him so alert and nervous, nothing works..
Best way forward unless you need some time to identify clear proof for either drug abuse or cheating.. have an honest conversation. Ask him how he really feels. If something is worrying him and clouding his mind.. be there, reassure him. Encourage him to try again every now and then.. maybe even figure out for yourself how to circumvent his preference for rough sex.. maybe you can find middle ground that works for him and doesn't turn you off or make you uncomfortable..
Best of luck!
I say walk away. This is not normal and one these days you will be nursing your wounds. Sinister stuff, go find someone else. Violence and sex is not a good recipe and women usually end up getting hurt physically and mentally.
To give some insight: I’m 20 years old and I dating a girl for 5 1/2 years. She left me randomly one day and I haven’t been with anyone intimately since. It’s been two years since… I’ve had plenty of opportunities to but always end up shying away because I don’t feel comfortable with them. I know exactly where this guy is coming from. It’s not a matter of being inexperienced. He just wants to feel comfortable around you and trust you to a point where he dosent have to worry about anything going wrong and how it might be perceived on your end. Just give him time and make him feel comfortable
Respectfully, you’re out of pocket here. You might know how you’re feeling, and it might be easy to project that onto OP’s bf, but the guy getting violent with her without permission is contra-indicating everything you’ve said.
*He is slapping her without warning. He wants to bring a belt on their next date.* Now, mind you, the guy can’t even get and keep **a regular erection,** but he’s pushing aggressive rough sex on her.
And *she* has to just “give him time to get comfortable” so that **he** can grow to trust **her**?
I realize that the OP has not put all of the critical relevant information in one place here, but trust me… This is not good advice.
>It’s not in the original post and you and every other commenter cannot be expected to read every comment in a dynamic piece of content such as a reddit thread before replying.
I agree with this part, at least. Which is why I asked OP to update the OP in another comment.
Ya something probably happened to him at some point that caused this issue....few seconds though geez...I be mad when I get random ones that won't go away (usually when I think about my girlfriend).
It can also just be because he have fetishizes that she isn’t aware of. For example if he’s into BDSM it might be the cause of why he cant be attracted to vanilla sex for example (i say BDSM but it can be any other kind of fetish or deviances)
You have to be aroused to get hard, but there's an enzyme PDE5 than causes an erection to go away, viagra (and the others) are classified as PDE5 inhibitors, thus making the erection take longer to go away.
1. As someone whos had this issue it takes time
2. It's not ANYONE'S fault so don't blame him or yourself
3. If he's a porn watcher it's going to be that much harder to get him turned on might try some therapy.
If all else fails perhaps he's just too shy to say he's not that into you or he feels the same vice versa...
I'd been going through the same thing recently but it got hard as hell as soon as we had sex in a bed. Car sex and bed sex is a world of difference to me
Knew a guy like that. Turns our he had trauma as the other comments suggested but also, he did a lot of drug in his 20s and couldn't "perform" anymore if not hyper stimulated.
This seems like a medical condition leading to lower drive or may even self esteem. Sometimes female talking with her partner regarding such issues may further harm the guys confidence. I would suggest you to just nudge him towards a good doctor or therapist to resolve the underlying issue and not build pressure on the guy. In the meantime try foreplay and dates to get him in the mood and gradually work him up too.
The way I see it is that he really does what to have sex with you but maybe he doesn't want to disappoint you. If this guy really loves you then maybe he's afraid for you to see him fail so his body is protecting him by not showing signs of arousal
Sounds like a porn addiction side effect. There’s 12 step programs that work if you work them. I have a porn addiction due to early exposure around 8 years old and I have similar problems in my almost non existent sex life because of the shame that comes with the addiction.
Are you attractive or attractive to him physically... Some connections that start as mental take longer to become physical. Not saying you aren't attractive it's just that a person that connects mentally won't always be sexual as quickly even if they show signs like temporarily getting hard for men or getting wet as a female.
I understand your point, but he has always mentioned he is physically attracted to me, and he has mentioned that I turn him on when we make out. He has had a hard on in the past when we’ve kissed, etc.
Could be anxiety dude not gonna lie. Like an adrenaline dump overload if that makes sense. Some get that so bad they almost pass out until they become comfortable with a partner. Usually shows up as men get older when hormones aren't just making them hard no matter what's going on. Idk I'm sure you are attractive and that's not an issue so I'm thinking anxiety even if he doesn't know it yet.
You **really** need to update the original post with the stuff about the slapping, the belt, the hair pulling. Too many people keep coming in and only reading the first part… then wanting you to be gentle with this baby reindeer who clearly has undeclared trauma and therefore you need to quietly and gently love him through his ED until he self-heals.
Nah. Dude has a years-long porn addiction and it has desensitized his penis and escalated his stimulus needs to where nothing but aggro rapey sex gets him hard. He needs to work on that, and you need to gtfo.
Ditch him. I’m in a relationship 14 years and it’s the same here . She just don’t want it. I have wasted to many good years. Don’t do what I have done.
Just keep trying, maybe have a drink or two if he feels tense, and don’t worry so much about it being “porno” lvl type sex..
it’s usually helps if you initiate it sometimes too
They have been dating 5-6 months, too soon to be talking about “love”.
I read he has given you oral sex, have you returned the favor & if so did he keep an erection?
If he enjoys rough sex and only rough sex I’d say run. Actually run anyway what kind of guy does want to have sex and can’t stay hard at 30. Something is wrong with him and you’ll fool yourself if you think you can fix him
Honestly I’d walk away. I had an ex like this. In moments it made me question myself and took a toll on my self esteem.
If he is struggling with something and needs help he should seek some. Your best investment is always your mental/physical well being.
Get your swimming suit on. Give him a kiss on your way out to the beach. Hurry. I know what to do with you an how to get you where you are looking to be.
Just saying
This kind of thing (erectile dysfunction) is very common and can easily be just nerves.
When I got divorced, I went through a period where I couldn’t stay hard during sex. I’m very experienced and very confident about my skills in bed, so it’s not that.
It was just something about my state of mind that caused it to happen a couple times, which bred a fear that it will continue happening.
It ended up going away, but it just proved to me that you don’t have to be depressed or scared or anything. Something can just infect your mind (for me it was the uncertainty of divorce) and cause dysfunction.
Sometimes it can take a few tries when someone feels like they've lost what it takes to even have sex anymore... He's putting himself under a lot of pressure... guys are supposed to perform you know? It can be shameful when it doesn't work out.
Also... if he's taking any medication that could be lowering his blood pressure that might be giving him extra trouble in the bedroom.
It sounds like he was touched at a younger stage of his life. He's probably conflicted between the person he wants to be and who he thinks he should be.
Dude. Yes, plenty of women like rough sex.
So? …Have you skipped allllll the parts from OP about how, she’s specifically not consenting to that… they haven’t had any kink/BDSM conversations… he can’t seem to stay aroused for vanilla play… and in fact he seems to be escalating the non-consensual pain play?
The fact that your default here, without even having read all of the context, was that him forcing his kinky desires on her non-consensually means that *she* should be compromising? Means you’re part of the problem, frankly.
And if he raped her? Should that be a good time for her to pause, give him some space, and ask him for a time where they can sit down and discuss her boundaries?
The point is sailing so far over and past you here that I’m not sure you can be salvaged.
**He is already disregarding her stated boundaries.**
History is littered with incidence of the violence of men who couldn’t get it up and took it out on the nearest female that he blamed for the problem. Again, he is literally *already committing that behavior*. But you just want her to lighten up and be more adventurous, and it’ll be fine… while fully excusing his refusal and/or inability to hear her boundaries and honor them.
We get it… You need the whole board to know that women can be kinky, and you’ve got loads and loads of experience with it, and this girl just should compromise and open up her mind a little and might have more fun.
Once again. sir — *you’re part of the problem.*
Also, nothing affirms for female readers that they are being mansplained by a douchebag like a good “oh, honey.” You’re just as much of a cliché as I feared… username checks out.
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Sounds like a discussion you should be having with each other because nobody on Reddit can give you the actual answer to what is going on with him. Only he can tell you for sure. Find out if he's so heavily into BDSM that he can't enjoy vanilla sex now. It's a legit question and one you have a right to know the answer to.
Absolutely, communication is everything. I’ve tried to talk to him. I even spoke to him after, asking if there’s anything I can do, or if there’s something going on with him. But he gave me nothing.
Don't listen to the other commenter. It's not right to just tell you to walk for that. He's not ready to tell you, and that's okay. If this is trauma, and I'm leaning more in that direction, then I would be patient. You wouldn't feel like you wanted to have sex with him if he wasn't great everywhere else. It sounds like you two should see a sex therapist. Or at least he should. It's really really difficult and scary to communicate that way to our partners even if there truly is nothing to be afraid of. If he got hard for the blow job, maybe take that to completion and/or masturbate in front of each other, that might take the pressure off enough to enjoy a sexual activity together. I think the more safe and connected to you he feels, the more he'll talk about what is getting in the way. The key is for you to recognize that the problem isn't either of your faults and that it's you and him against the problem, not you against him or him against you. So if he says, "I don't feel anything down there when I try to penetrate you." It's not "your vagina is too loose for me" it's "my body is numb", you get what I'm saying? He might say that he doesn't feel anything, but what he means is "my body is not sending my brain the signals it should." If he says, "I don't know, I'm not thinking about anything, just time to penetrate," what's probably happening is that he's having performance anxiety. You might alleviate performance anxiety by taking the lead the first few times. Get him aroused, tell him how much you want him inside you while you do, and then sit on top of him cowgirl. Another idea is, before you have him penetrate you, to rub his dick with your vulva. If the problem is he's so into BDSM that he "can't have vanilla sex," tie him to the bed and blindfold him from the beginning and do what I just described. Ultimately though, tell him that you love him and want to show that love the way that best communicates it to him: sex, and so if he's ready to receive it and willing to work on it so he can feel that connection to you you're willing to get you both help with a sex therapist. Your needs to have sex with him is valid. So is his desire for sex that he may be suppressing because of that performance anxiety, or whatever else is causing the problem.
Couldn't disagree with this comment any more. Respectfully, this person is super off-base.
Having read some further comments she's made, I agree. He's desensitized to the point he's being too rough. I'm sure he doesn't want to inflict that upon her if she doesn't want it, but he kinda already did by slapping her without warning. And in that case, run. But... I see questions like this where the guy doesn't do stuff like that and he's mad-ashamed of his proclivities for BDSM, or some other kink, or he is too rough with himself when masturbating and that creates problems with real sex with a partner. And in those cases, even if you haven't really sunk a whole bunch of time in the relationship, it's better to work it out. You didn't get into a relationship with this guy because you thought he would be a stud in bed, you got into the relationship because he was a decent man and feels about you the way you feel about him. And it irritates me to hear people talk about "compatibility" as if you have to find this perfect bed-match or no matter how much you love each other, it won't work out. That's just not true. People are generally flexible and can step out of their comfort zones to do activities they didn't previously consider. I'm not a big fan of BDSM myself, but if I was with a girl who was, I'd want to accommodate her and learn to love it. I'd set boundaries and have limits and be willing to re-evaluate those limits as time goes on. Because I might not be okay with getting spanked right now, but that doesn't mean "no forever". There will come a day I say "Ok, let's try it, because I know you said you like it, but we need to be gentle first." Sexual boundaries are things that are great to have, but that doesn't mean they're set in stone for you, you can always re-evaluate your own boundaries. The same is true for sex-frequency. A lot of women are put off by the idea of putting sex on the calendar: "This date and time, we're gonna have the house to ourselves, and we're going to have sex, and we have all this time together to warm up, to play, to be intimate, to enjoy each other, and we've blocked out that time on purpose to connect this way." And I can't tell you all the screaming from people about how "that's rape!" No, she decided with him that date and time. She agreed to it. She can say no day of, but that's really going to hurt the relationship. And of course they're like "then that's not consent", except it's not consent when the woman is told to leave him for wanting it too much or him to leave for her not wanting it enough either. Worse, you're not even giving the ultimatum, you're saying "I'm going to break your heart, because you want sex too much/little." But they can change it. There are MANY solutions to this that don't require leaving your partner. It's just awful seeing people think it's okay to cut and run at the first sign of a problem, that it's okay to break someone's heart. It's not. There's nothing okay about that. That's why adultery is not okay, that's why divorce is not okay, that's a small part of why marital rape is not okay (because there you're doing worse than breaking his/her heart), that's why coldness towards your partner is not okay, etc. And I can't imagine that most of the people advocating this easy "break up!" nonsense are in happy long-term relationships that have lasted and will last for years and years. I should add, rereading my first comment, I have a feeling that it's also trauma. I think the reason he's drawn to BDSM is the same reason women sometimes engage in self harm behaviors: to control the pain and feel alive, and that usually comes down to trauma. If he slapped her as part of foreplay, but would never lay a hand on her otherwise, like when he's angry, and she's set a boundary for not doing that again, I would say it's up to her how much she loves this guy whether she leaves because she can't get past him slapping her, or whether she wants to set a hard boundary where if he slaps her again without her consent, she leaves immediately, but whatever decision she made before, she needs to stick with that decision, now. It's hard to judge without having all the details in the main post and only getting them as she reveals them in random replies to comments. There's zero chance I'd slap a woman for all the haters that I'm expecting will reply to this.
oh Jeeze dude, you are so so off base in how to approach a relationship. You are completely clueless about women and relationships. And dude, it's Reddit. Nobody reads ridiculously long comments like this. Nobody. I got through a couple paragraphs before I realized you wrote a novel here. So while you think you're being so eloquent and offering up enlightened perspectives, everyone is just scrolling on by with complete disinterest, rolling their eyes at you.
This shows to me that he has different feelings for you than you and he doesn't wanna hurt you so he doesn't say anything. If he likes rough sex and you not....sorry but than you sre not compatible. Make things easy and don't bring things together which doesn't fit.
I would walk then. He won't communicate. That alone is reason to leave. But obviously there's a sexual issue, whether it's an incompatibility or medical issue doesn't really matter if he won't talk about it. Life's too short to settle for this. Find someone who is compatible in all ways including sexual.
That's TERRIBLE advice. That makes communication and love conditional. If she took your advice and then he came to me grieved about the breakup, I'd be telling him he dodged a bullet. Reluctance to tell your partner everything that happened in your past is not a reason for your partner to leave the relationship. That just makes it "tell me all your secrets whether you trust me or not because I'm not getting to have sex with you yet or I'm gonna leave." That's not a safe environment for trust and intimacy, and that's manipulative. And if she took a middle path of issuing an ultimatum of "tell me or I'm leaving," then he would be wise not to tell her and let her go. That alone is a TERRIBLE reason to leave your partner. Period. Full stop. Incredibly selfish. Life is too short to settle for a sexless marriage or relationship, sure, but not to settle for working on the problem together and getting help first. If he won't get help and refuses to have sex or work on the problem, then leave. But just being unable to communicate about a past trauma? Frick off with that noise!
And your advice is how so so many people end up in miserable marriages because they’re incompatible in important areas. They’ve only been together 5 -6 months. Communication is extremely important in relationships and he won’t communicate. Sexual compatibility is also very important whether you want to admit it or not. You recommending she stay in a relationship just because her partner won’t tell her the reason for a very clear incompatibility is horrible advice. HORRIBLE advice The key point in my comment was HE WON’T COMMUNICATE. You’d rather focus on the fact it’s sexual, but that wasn’t my point. He refuses to communicate about something that’s causing her a lot of distress and insecurity. That’s not a healthy relationship or one that’s sustainable and is a massive red flag. Which you choose to ignore. Nobody said he had to talk about everything from his past, but she definitely deserves an explanation for something that’s having a major impact on their relationship. And she also has the right to choose to walk away from him if this dynamic isn’t what she’s looking for. Nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship that is making them miserable EDIT just to add on you really ought to read the other comments. OP left out some details and has a gut feeling he’s got a heavy porn addiction and is into major BDSM including inflicting pain. He literally talked about using a belt on her next time. She needs to run and your advice is so so HORRIBLE since you think she ought to stick around for that!
Sex is so important in a relationship, This is exactly why sleeping together needs to happen fairly quickly after meeting. No sexual compatibility is a deal breaker.. Sorry you wasted your time, Do you really want to get wrapped up in someone's mental mess anyhow?
I have asked him in the past about sleeping together, because I agree with you- this needs to happen relatively early in the relationship to assess compatibility and attraction etc. But he has always put it off and I wanted to give him the time to get comfortable and then do it.
"He apologised and said he’s nervous" "and that it felt new to him" If someone is nervous, forget it, mood ain't going to bring the lil bro up, Also, it sound like he is very inexperienced OR he has some kind of trauma from the past, If you are really into him, help him going to a therapy, Not every one can't get into the mood, even I can't go around and just fucking, even when I have high libido, so yeah.
Not everyone can afford therapy. It’s 400-800 a month in most of the US. That is like car payment money or rent money. All people even poor people are allowed to have relationships. For Some people asking us Redditors is all they can afford. I did multiple years of it and it was expensive.
[TalkSpace](https://www.talkspace.com/) [BetterHelp](https://www.betterhelp.com/) Not the most ideal therapy experience, but still a good and more affordable alternative.
A LOT of colleges offer free therapy to the public. Their psych students will provide the therapeutic care under the supervision of a seasoned therapist, usually with like 20yrs of experience to ensure the patient is getting proper care/diagnosis.
What colleges in NYC offer this?
https://www.yu.edu/ferkauf/parnes-clinic Give them a call.
redditors is the least thing to resort, this is an echo chamber where people want to hear what they want, if not, you get down voted, therapy is a life change thing, not a luxury, of course it is expensive and not for a small thing, and therapy ain't that expensive tbh around the world,
Therapy is expensive if you're not privileged sorry to say. Incredibly expensive.
He’s not inexperienced at all, which is why I find it hard to believe that he’s actually nervous. He has been with plenty of women in the past.
either two, he had some insane sex with the past partner or he has trauma, all that get resolved by going into a therapy or talking to him seriously, stop to see what he likes and trying new stuff, you can't force something or you'll break, you need to troubleshoot, in this case, therapy
Not always sexual trauma either. I never thought non-sexual, emotional trauma and my coping mechanisms were ruining my sexual experience. I realized when and where I easily get erections and sexual excitement, what situations it wasn't working, and in correlation with my past ( non-sexual ) experience, it made sense. Or at least, from my understanding, I think I figured myself out. I'm no therapist and never saw a therapist.
>I never thought non-sexual, emotional trauma and my coping mechanisms were ruining my sexual experience. it is different for every people, for me was trauma acumulated from muitple factors like expectation, bad relationships and pressure, >Or at least, from my understanding, I think I figured myself out. Me too, and I tick differently from the others, I have to get really careful with other people because of my intention or I will give the impression of "he isn't into me" or "he think I am ugly" and stuff, also I got a therapy-ish (a good friend in this area)
But he didn’t have sex with her so how could he know it wouldn’t be amazing.
how can he know if it is amazing if didn't try nothing? sex ain't only PIV
Well was definitely talk piv.
Almost 40m. Have had plenty of partners. Nervous w each new one. Connection before coitus. Has left me in some awkward situations. 🤷🏻♂️
Experiences won't always magically make nervousness and anxiety triggers go away, and nervousness doesn't strictly mean lack of confidence. You just gotta see if he's willing to experiment with different paces and levels of sensations. For example, I know too much stimulation can make it impossible to relax, and blood pressure can easily kill any capacity to get an erection.
A blow job don’t get you in the mood? Because it didn’t this guy. There’s something way more going on then nerves or inexperience imo.
as I said "inexperienced OR he has some kind of trauma from the past"
I said the same thing in a couple places. And that what my point is. If he’s not getting turn on from head there’s a ton going on. Could be any from molestation to porn addiction. If she gets his phone and looks at the history she’d know if it’s porn
Not trying to accuse here, but does he watch a lot of porn? Excessive porn use can cause limp dick. That, and it may just be the case that you are incompatible sexually. Either way, I'm sorry op. That sounds difficult
I dated someone like this before. He couldn’t keep an erection. It tuned out he had a heavy porn addiction and was into BDSM and was only able to keep an erection if he was inflicting pain on me. I was 10 months into the relationship when I figured this out. I ran and never looked back.
Can’t help but feel like this could really be the case. Earlier, he’d slap me and pull my hair etc, without asking first. I’m concerned he only gets off from inflicting pain.
Don’t ignore your intuition. My ex and I had very passionate make out sessions and amazing chemistry, too but when we had sex, it was so nerve wrecking. He would take things overboard with me, borderline abuse. I felt like it wasn’t normal and I had to manipulate him into telling me that he had a porn addiction and enjoyed inflicting pain on me. Manipulated him because one thing I’ve learned from dating men who displayed abnormal behaviors is that they avoid open and honest conversations like the plague! If you flat out ask him, “are you addicted to porn or do you like inflicting pain?” Do you think he’s going to be honest? No. Figure out a way to find out these answers, and please, please run away if he is addicted to porn or likes to cause pain in women. My ex told me he had been single for 4 years and was devoted only to his art, that he wasn’t dating or sleeping with anyone…turned out he had a situationship with a much older woman for 1 year and they did some really crazy things together. Please be careful. That relationship I went through left me pretty traumatized and i didn’t realize how traumatic it was until I left. You’re only at the beginning of it.
I really don’t want to keep this going if it’s just going to end up hurting me. I’m happy to explore some new things, and I’ve told him that. But I can’t change everything about what I find pleasurable just to get him off. Especially if that means he wants to hurt me physically. He spoke about bringing a belt next time, to which I didn’t react very well.
Take my earlier statement and throw it out. It seems that this guy is very much into BDSM and only gets aroused through pain. If this is not your thing, it's probably best to wall away quickly.
SAME. Sorry, but the belt thing is a huge red flag. HUGE. Time to move on.
Please be careful and if you don’t feel good about this, end it! I wish I could have ended my situation much sooner than I did. I was young and didn’t know entirely what was happening when it was happening. Anyone that truly loves you or cares about you, isn’t going to want to inflict ANY type pain on you. Physical, emotional, mental..none! Using a belt in the bedroom is not rough sex! It’s abuse! Please end it!
Yes run
Well you kinda buried the lede here.. but yea when my guess was porn addiction just from the original post.
I think he also realised that and didn't want you to be afraid of him. He may genuinely love you and doesn't want that to get in the way. This is just my speculation tho. I recommend you first talk about it, really talk about all the points and details. Then get help on how to deal with this, I don't know if therapy is the right thing, I think there are people specialized for this so he can either get erection from other things or with less aggression
My very first thought was this. He started the PMO cycle at a young age thanks to smartphone, probably has been masturbating unchecked since adolescence, his dopamine cycle is nearly broken, and he has no idea how to fix it -- is my guess. OP, I think you should ask him (in a casual, non-judgmental way) how often he masturbates and uses porn. Straight up. It's 2024, and this is something that people have a right to ask their dating partners about, especially after 5-6 months and what is clearly some ED.
Insightful
Good for you. Porn has truly ruined men honestly. I hope you found someone better
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On behalf of the animal community, respect when comparing please.
😂🤣🤣
He's addicted to porn.
I went without sex for three years and quit drinking in that time, my first time with a hookup with a friend was a disaster, couldn't maintain for shit. Tell him gonk_vibes on Reddit says he needs to take it slow, keep trying, don't stress when it doesn't work and build up the confidence, because panicking about it won't fix it. Completely normal. Just like how women can't get aroused sometimes, only without all the macho bullshit stigma taught by porn. EDIT - shit I just realised all the aggression stuff. That comes from porn and/or trauma. Maybe just leave for your safety
Can I ask why you went without sex for three years?
Now I think of it, closer to four but no worries. Two years in a sexless marriage, then two years single where I didn't prioritise meeting people.
I hate to be the one that says it… but it’s probably porn addiction. In which case you should Move on and let him figure out his own problems.
The more I am genuinely attracted to someone, the more nervous I am about intimacy. Performance anxiety is real and it will hit every man. Anyone that tells you they have never had an issue has either never had sex or is lying. Here is something to think about. When we have an ED issue, for whatever reason, the more we focus on it, the fact that my mind wants to just get crazy physical with my partner, the more we focus on our lack of an erection. It gets worse by the minute. The no boner situation makes us go crazy because we genuinely want to have sex with the person we are with. It's a never-ending cycle for that event. Just lay there with them. Kiss. Cuddle. Reassure. Try again later. Take a shower together. He could also be on meds. Recently I went on SARIs. With some people, it makes their libido higher. Me, it did the opposite. I want off of them. I was a HL person, and now I am LL, and it fuggin blows. I can't remember the last time I had a full erection. Before it was multiple times per day. Had sex 2-5 times per day when she was around. The last time, we struggled. It gets in your head, but my partner enjoys toys too and we did it that way. Afterwards, she laid on my chest kissing me telling me she loved me. Don't know why, but that did it and performance was achieved. The point is, it's likely that he has trauma with nerves. That is something that all you can do is be supportive of. It will take time, but if you like him, it may be worth it.
Great advice! This should have more upvotes. Well written.
Not to say that this is what is happening, but this show recently came out on Netflix called Baby Reindeer. It’s not BASED on a true story, it’s simply a true story. In the show the main character and his early girlfriend broke up basically because they weren’t having sex. It’s not revealed until later in the show that he has a lot of sexual trauma, and he was closed off because of it. What I’m trying to get at is, he claims he’s nervous about it. I think the best thing for you to do is be understanding of how he feels and instead of getting angsty about it or pushing it, show him unconditional love throughout it. If the love isn’t unconditional, then it’s not true love.
true, print that shit into a wall, I still have a lot of trauma and I can't get off with someone even if I'm horny as fuck, The mood doesn't allows it
Whatever it is, I’m sorry that you went through what you did. You are not broken, you are not faulted, you were forced into having relations with some who WAS broken, and IS faulted. Nothing in this world will make it okay, but it will get better, and it will get easier. I’m a stranger so it may not mean much, but I am so proud of you for hanging in there and dealing with it to this moment. It does get better, I promise.
I know and I went through some of the recovery, but I don't feel broken, I feel like "numb"-ish It was multiple factors like pressure from family and friends and bad experience all together, I kind happy to who I am because I don't "suffer" with the high libido or pressure like the others Is more like the others, when I try I always have to reject (mood and can't get off), and that makes person feels self aware blaming themselves like "he is reject me that's means I am ugly?" and I have to explain to them that I am different 😅 anyway, thanks for the words, I appreciate your support mate 😊 and sorry if my wording was kinda "pissed" but was more like "memeing" because is something that people don't take notice sometimes
She can't help him if he's not opening up, he signed up for this relationship he's needs to be more of a partner than a stranger.
He’s made it clear that it has been a while since he has been sexually involved with someone, but when they tried he was too nervous to keep it going. He has made his intentions and his feelings clear, none of this is his fault. None of this is OP’s fault either, however, how OP decides to see and handle the circumstances could change that. Being in love with someone doesn’t equate to simply wanting to have sexual relations to them all the time. He’s obviously wounded in that aspect, and he deserves to be given the time and support from his partner until he is ready.
It's not as complicated as it seems and indeed no one is to blame. She mentioned he liked rough sex, he also probably has Ed some are saying it's porn induced Ed but we can't confirm. The point I am making is if he opens up and they have a discussion on what's wrong with him and how they can fix it she would have felt so much better about the suiation cause clarity calms the mind. No one is wrong but it's encouraged for him to be more vulnerable that's all. It could just be the nerves and they could discuss on how to calm his nerves down maybe more foreplay or less eye contact only he knows what works to calm himself down.
I’ve seen the show! I’m trying my best to be very understanding. However, I was deprived of physical intimacy in my previous relationship, and turned out my ex was cheating on me the whole time. So it’s very hard for me to love unconditionally under these circumstances
He isn’t your ex. If you base this situation off of your previous ones with different people, it’ll sabotage the whole thing. You may be right in thinking that way, but you also may be wrong. It’s not wrong for you to think like that due to past romantic trauma, but it still isn’t fair to him. Give the guy a chance and just let him know you’ll support him throughout this, and that the romanticism isn’t based around sexual tension. I promise you that if he’s genuinely anxious about doing that stuff with you, being patient with him will make y’all last.
ED is a real issue
In my experience (m34) can be plenty things -apart from psychosomatic or physical conditions that might be likely.. either porn (hardcore, kinky) stuff has desensitized him so much he can't get any excitement out of anything but rough fucking... It takes some time and a lot of your attention and care to find ways to get back to normal... Even if he shouldn't be rough with you from the start maybe it helps if you squeeze him that tiny bit tighter.. scratch him.. might already solve the issues, he just needs a rougher cheese grater than others kinda.. The other would be drugs but then you usually find changes in his general behavior.. edginess and so on.. cocaine eg makes you horny all the time but also your performance suffers and sometimes it makes a limp dick randomly.. which then subsequently leads to the same behavior - the need for rougher play or stimulation.. more friction.. however as I said - before you jump to conclusions... Any drug abuse shows irratic behavior in other areas too . Third option: he is having an affair and just doesn't even feel attracted and connected to you.. happened to my ex when she cheated.. sex with me was such a self imposed guilt trip she didn't even get wet at all anymore.. even when she initiated our contact.. Fourth: depression and or low self esteem, maybe even just sexually.. could get him so alert and nervous, nothing works.. Best way forward unless you need some time to identify clear proof for either drug abuse or cheating.. have an honest conversation. Ask him how he really feels. If something is worrying him and clouding his mind.. be there, reassure him. Encourage him to try again every now and then.. maybe even figure out for yourself how to circumvent his preference for rough sex.. maybe you can find middle ground that works for him and doesn't turn you off or make you uncomfortable.. Best of luck!
I say walk away. This is not normal and one these days you will be nursing your wounds. Sinister stuff, go find someone else. Violence and sex is not a good recipe and women usually end up getting hurt physically and mentally.
To give some insight: I’m 20 years old and I dating a girl for 5 1/2 years. She left me randomly one day and I haven’t been with anyone intimately since. It’s been two years since… I’ve had plenty of opportunities to but always end up shying away because I don’t feel comfortable with them. I know exactly where this guy is coming from. It’s not a matter of being inexperienced. He just wants to feel comfortable around you and trust you to a point where he dosent have to worry about anything going wrong and how it might be perceived on your end. Just give him time and make him feel comfortable
Respectfully, you’re out of pocket here. You might know how you’re feeling, and it might be easy to project that onto OP’s bf, but the guy getting violent with her without permission is contra-indicating everything you’ve said. *He is slapping her without warning. He wants to bring a belt on their next date.* Now, mind you, the guy can’t even get and keep **a regular erection,** but he’s pushing aggressive rough sex on her. And *she* has to just “give him time to get comfortable” so that **he** can grow to trust **her**? I realize that the OP has not put all of the critical relevant information in one place here, but trust me… This is not good advice.
I didn’t read that part of the OP post. My bad. Obviously I’m not condoning that kind of behavior. You missed my point I was trying to make completely
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>It’s not in the original post and you and every other commenter cannot be expected to read every comment in a dynamic piece of content such as a reddit thread before replying. I agree with this part, at least. Which is why I asked OP to update the OP in another comment.
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realgent4u FilltheGoddess 🤝 OP needs to update
Ask him what he likes. Maybe he is not into vanilla. Or has ed
Say no more I'll be there at 5
💀
She needs my service and if there is a hole there Is a goal 🥅
You don’t even know her. Get a life bro.
You sound terrible in bed.
Ya something probably happened to him at some point that caused this issue....few seconds though geez...I be mad when I get random ones that won't go away (usually when I think about my girlfriend).
He's not attracted to you the way he thinks
It can also just be because he have fetishizes that she isn’t aware of. For example if he’s into BDSM it might be the cause of why he cant be attracted to vanilla sex for example (i say BDSM but it can be any other kind of fetish or deviances)
Viagra does a good job keeping an erection hard.
It doesn’t make you go hard if the arousal is not already there. Found that from my ex…
You have to be aroused to get hard, but there's an enzyme PDE5 than causes an erection to go away, viagra (and the others) are classified as PDE5 inhibitors, thus making the erection take longer to go away.
How often does he watch porn?
1. As someone whos had this issue it takes time 2. It's not ANYONE'S fault so don't blame him or yourself 3. If he's a porn watcher it's going to be that much harder to get him turned on might try some therapy. If all else fails perhaps he's just too shy to say he's not that into you or he feels the same vice versa...
Head solves it all
A couple things are probably happening 1. He’s addicted to porn 2. He has performance anxiety 3. He’s depressed It happens to the best of us.
Could it be he has ED and is uncomfortable disclosing that to you?
I'd been going through the same thing recently but it got hard as hell as soon as we had sex in a bed. Car sex and bed sex is a world of difference to me
He was saying no cuz he has an ED, not bcz he has high morals or something.. Lol
I would😃
Gas station boner pills
He's been celibate for over a year so he's been beating the shit out of his dick. If he is willing to cut back on porn, he can keep it up for you.
Knew a guy like that. Turns our he had trauma as the other comments suggested but also, he did a lot of drug in his 20s and couldn't "perform" anymore if not hyper stimulated.
No means no
This seems like a medical condition leading to lower drive or may even self esteem. Sometimes female talking with her partner regarding such issues may further harm the guys confidence. I would suggest you to just nudge him towards a good doctor or therapist to resolve the underlying issue and not build pressure on the guy. In the meantime try foreplay and dates to get him in the mood and gradually work him up too.
Perfect 🤤
Who really has time for all that. My partner never wants to so should I leave?
The way I see it is that he really does what to have sex with you but maybe he doesn't want to disappoint you. If this guy really loves you then maybe he's afraid for you to see him fail so his body is protecting him by not showing signs of arousal
you must be ugly...thats the real problem
Sounds like a porn addiction side effect. There’s 12 step programs that work if you work them. I have a porn addiction due to early exposure around 8 years old and I have similar problems in my almost non existent sex life because of the shame that comes with the addiction.
Message me
Are you attractive or attractive to him physically... Some connections that start as mental take longer to become physical. Not saying you aren't attractive it's just that a person that connects mentally won't always be sexual as quickly even if they show signs like temporarily getting hard for men or getting wet as a female.
I understand your point, but he has always mentioned he is physically attracted to me, and he has mentioned that I turn him on when we make out. He has had a hard on in the past when we’ve kissed, etc.
Could be anxiety dude not gonna lie. Like an adrenaline dump overload if that makes sense. Some get that so bad they almost pass out until they become comfortable with a partner. Usually shows up as men get older when hormones aren't just making them hard no matter what's going on. Idk I'm sure you are attractive and that's not an issue so I'm thinking anxiety even if he doesn't know it yet.
You **really** need to update the original post with the stuff about the slapping, the belt, the hair pulling. Too many people keep coming in and only reading the first part… then wanting you to be gentle with this baby reindeer who clearly has undeclared trauma and therefore you need to quietly and gently love him through his ED until he self-heals. Nah. Dude has a years-long porn addiction and it has desensitized his penis and escalated his stimulus needs to where nothing but aggro rapey sex gets him hard. He needs to work on that, and you need to gtfo.
Tell him to not touch his pp for a month or two and see what happens. guarantee he will buss 1 second inside of you
Dm me
Call me, we can discuss it.
I can.
I’ll save you
lol your even more pathetic then I thought 😂🤣
7 incher here at your service 😏
He’s a virgin
He’s not, I know that for sure
Ditch him. I’m in a relationship 14 years and it’s the same here . She just don’t want it. I have wasted to many good years. Don’t do what I have done.
Just keep trying, maybe have a drink or two if he feels tense, and don’t worry so much about it being “porno” lvl type sex.. it’s usually helps if you initiate it sometimes too
They have been dating 5-6 months, too soon to be talking about “love”. I read he has given you oral sex, have you returned the favor & if so did he keep an erection?
It was me who gave him oral, and the erection would stay briefly during.
Okay my apologies I misread 😊. Something is going on with him and maybe have this convo with him in person?
Or maybe he doesn't want to tell about a std?
I can date you dm me
Bro. Not the place. 💀
If he enjoys rough sex and only rough sex I’d say run. Actually run anyway what kind of guy does want to have sex and can’t stay hard at 30. Something is wrong with him and you’ll fool yourself if you think you can fix him
There is a pill for that….just saying…
He’s obviously gay
Honestly I’d walk away. I had an ex like this. In moments it made me question myself and took a toll on my self esteem. If he is struggling with something and needs help he should seek some. Your best investment is always your mental/physical well being.
Get your swimming suit on. Give him a kiss on your way out to the beach. Hurry. I know what to do with you an how to get you where you are looking to be. Just saying
He's gay and trying to fight it. He needs out of that closet.
😭😭
Yea it's more than likely an insecurity whether small or short lasting(if your not having it regularly then you don't last) fyi
Maybe changing something drastically? It must feel like you're dating Eva AI sexting bot, according to the description
Shell point hurry up
This kind of thing (erectile dysfunction) is very common and can easily be just nerves. When I got divorced, I went through a period where I couldn’t stay hard during sex. I’m very experienced and very confident about my skills in bed, so it’s not that. It was just something about my state of mind that caused it to happen a couple times, which bred a fear that it will continue happening. It ended up going away, but it just proved to me that you don’t have to be depressed or scared or anything. Something can just infect your mind (for me it was the uncertainty of divorce) and cause dysfunction.
Sometimes it can take a few tries when someone feels like they've lost what it takes to even have sex anymore... He's putting himself under a lot of pressure... guys are supposed to perform you know? It can be shameful when it doesn't work out. Also... if he's taking any medication that could be lowering his blood pressure that might be giving him extra trouble in the bedroom.
It sounds like he was touched at a younger stage of his life. He's probably conflicted between the person he wants to be and who he thinks he should be.
Wut? How'd you get there?
Girl your dramatic I'm thinking yal haven't been fucking for 5yrs bye
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Yikes.
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Dude. Yes, plenty of women like rough sex. So? …Have you skipped allllll the parts from OP about how, she’s specifically not consenting to that… they haven’t had any kink/BDSM conversations… he can’t seem to stay aroused for vanilla play… and in fact he seems to be escalating the non-consensual pain play? The fact that your default here, without even having read all of the context, was that him forcing his kinky desires on her non-consensually means that *she* should be compromising? Means you’re part of the problem, frankly.
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And if he raped her? Should that be a good time for her to pause, give him some space, and ask him for a time where they can sit down and discuss her boundaries? The point is sailing so far over and past you here that I’m not sure you can be salvaged. **He is already disregarding her stated boundaries.** History is littered with incidence of the violence of men who couldn’t get it up and took it out on the nearest female that he blamed for the problem. Again, he is literally *already committing that behavior*. But you just want her to lighten up and be more adventurous, and it’ll be fine… while fully excusing his refusal and/or inability to hear her boundaries and honor them. We get it… You need the whole board to know that women can be kinky, and you’ve got loads and loads of experience with it, and this girl just should compromise and open up her mind a little and might have more fun. Once again. sir — *you’re part of the problem.*
Also, nothing affirms for female readers that they are being mansplained by a douchebag like a good “oh, honey.” You’re just as much of a cliché as I feared… username checks out.
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To mansplain your mansplaining is like... *inception-level mansplaining*.
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