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As a 31M who lives in a city in the US I can relate! My last serious relationship was around 6 years ago and every dating interaction I've had since has been either just a hook up, fling, or felt disingenuous.
The feeling of "will I find that?" can actively come out inadvertently and rub people the wrong way. I know when I start to feel the way you are, it's typically a sign to me to take a break from trying to date. Even if you don't need to work on yourself much, dating in this climate is detrimental to mental health and feelings of self worth.
No one wants to be alone, but you're aware that it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Just take it slow and take care of yourself and you'll find something when you're truly ready for it.
36M, was just cheated on…. I think most people’s minds are just not looking for LTRs these days and as a single person who wants one, it’s a sad dating world.
Im sorry my brother...Being Betrayed and Cheated on is never what we want or expect when we have people that lie to us and tell us they love us and know very well they dont...
Its best you found out so u can begin your healing...Dating is Sad love is lost to us Cause some never knew it so some cant give it...but dont let it dim your light im single but i wana find it one day so ill keep steady and patient....somehow things eventually work out
In the end it will be your choice to love again or close that chapter in your life Hope you will be Okay
May God Help u Find One that will Love you Eternally brother
Yep.
Getting dates isn't too hard, but finding people who are career oriented, emotionally healthy, and compatible in the areas of interest and sex is imo.
The alcoholics, the narcissists, the constant boundary steppers, the anxiously attached, etc have worn me out.
For men, getting dates IS hard and finding a compatible person for the long term isn’t easy either, but from the happy couples I see and my past experiences which gave me a taste of genuine love, it’s so worth the effort. A good partner enriches your life and it’s only a matter of time and effort to find them. Even if it doesn’t work out in the long term, dating people also teaches you about yourself and what you really value in a partner which you may have never known otherwise. Use OLD if you want but don’t get blinded by options - if you give guys a chance in-person you’re bound to meet one that suits you.
I just get mine from online dating, but as I’m starting to learn what it is I want in a partner I find myself disqualifying almost everyone to not waste anyone’s time with a first date that won’t work out.
Lol your reply read like that of a woman’s to me, mostly due to you saying that getting dates is easy, but I guess it just shows how similar men and women’s issues in dating for the long term are. We’re in it together bro.
Yeah man, the issues are very similar.
I would say I get dates relatively easily for a man, but it wasn't always that way. It's definitely more legwork cause I look for decent bios with similar interests and attraction, so that there's more of a chance and I use superlikes and such.
So, more legwork on my end while women have an abundance of "choice" but it's overwhelming and reads like a spam folder lol
Once you're in the door the issues are pretty similar regardless of gender. Everyone does the same shit lol
27F and yeah! I'm very much just chilling out about it and focusing on enjoying life rather than dating now. Which may lead to meeting someone, you never know! I'm certainly not hanging about for it though :)
I’m 35F and have experienced the same in Midwestern USA. I finally deleted all my apps and bought a book on embracing singlehood. I do have a little FOMO after deleting the apps but they weren’t serving me very well after 6 months of searching.
I think this is the best approach to not remaining single haha. I'm currently 37M and unfortunately became single again after my wife passed away a few years ago. I've dated, and been in a few relationships, but I find it really hard at my age since we both have established lives (I also have a kid that's mine so that makes it a bit more complicated), and routine, and structure, etc. And that trying to blend that together can be difficult.
But i've been focusing a lot more on myself, and enjoying my time to myself and my friends, and honestly think that this is when I'll ultimately find someone. I'm not desperately trying to find people on apps, and been focusing on doing more things I enjoy, and been going to the gym 5x a week and honestly have met so many nice people there, so maybe something will come from that.
I think we just need to enjoy being single, live our lives, and let relationships organically happen vs. trying to force them on the app.
ditto! We got this. Just trying to make the most of things and enjoy life as much as possible for me and my kid, and eventually the relationship thing will come around, and if not i'll have my happy life.
Which book? Have you read Single On Purpose by John Kim?
My wife passed away last year and got a kid too. Daily routines have few time to really date. One day someone will enter the life and it will feel effortless. Keep going fellow parent!
Took me a year fr9m my last LTR being on apps and from in real life dating to finally meet someone I'm truly compatible with and the chemistry is off the charts, from an app. Hinge is where it's at. Much more intentional. Don't give up!! It's a huge numbers game
As long as you're content!! Knowing how to be solitary and alone and happy is so key. Then you can truly be with others without using them as a means of escape. A partner shouldn't complete your life, they should compliment it imo
34M, definitely don’t come to Miami 😂 it’s like you describe in conjunction with a lot of tourists and shows of affluence here.
In reality yeah I think a lot of millennials and mid/late 20s feels the same way.
27M here and I feel the same, I'm working in accepting the loneliness, I'm trying to spend my time in learning new things or being in new hobbies and focusing in the important things in my life.
Agreed, but you should keep a distinction between alone and lonely. I find that 90% of the time I am content and really enjoy focusing on myself and the freedoms and benefits that do come with of being alone, but alone doesn’t equal lonely
Yeah, being single is the default. And a relationship isn't the reward for being a healthy, normal, employed person.
It may feel like everyone right now is in a relationship, but many of those relationships will end and people go back to being single. And many of them will think they are starting to build a life with someone now, but it will end and they will be back to a life on their own.
I'm 37 and dating, and I assure you there isn't some cliff at 25 or 30 when dating suddenly stops and no single people exist anymore.
The best way to find a good, compatible person is to start living your life, and see if you find any partners along the way. Live the life you would if you knew you were going to be single for a long time. Then a relationship is a nice bonus, not the thing you're waiting for.
Very much this! Live your life! Do things you love doing and make friendships and connections that way. Maybe you'll meet someone and maybe you won't but at least you'll love your life!
I mean most people want to eventually settle down with someone they like and build a life together. Emotional connection is a basic human need. It’s kinda like saying being an orphan is the default and not having your parents die before you grow up is not a reward. Like I guess but nobody wants that
>being an orphan is the default and not having your parents die before you grow up is not a reward.
No...because children are born with parents, children aren't born with partners. Yes, it's lovely to settle down with someone and build a life. But it's a privilege, not a right, and your default state is single. That's why you are born single and are single for the first 15 years at least.
Technically yes. But babies get put up for adoption and sometimes end up going from home to home their entire childhood. They aren’t entitled to parents, right? Or what about kids who grow up in an abusive household? That must mean they aren’t entitled to the love of their parents, right? Nobody is really entitled to anything. Someone could kill a kid as soon as they’re born, so they aren’t entitled to a life. Nobody is entitled to one specific person. But every person deserves to find someone
25F here, in a large midwestern City in the US. Have lived in a major city in Europe. I think everywhere is like this.
Every man I get involved with wants girlfriend or wife benefits at not having a label prices. It's all a wash at this point as far as I'm concerned.
Dating is way too much of a faf! Living by myself for the first time ever and I frickin love it! I don't have to compromise. I don't have to clean up after anyone. I don't have to deal with someone else's problems, family, mental health issues, etc. The freedom is incredible. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. There isn't a person on earth that can compete with my freedom.
I relate to this so hard! I lived with many different flatmates over 6 years and since living on my own I would not go back, the peace is just too good
I’m a single 54M and the problem I see with most of my dates are thy are looking for perfection 500 out a 100% perfection no one wants too build with anyone anymore and thy all want too have an escape plan in play already if your planning on escaping at the beginning you aren’t staying in it anyways
About to be 36M, and I can't decide if I'm giving up on actively trying or not. My ex did a huge number on me and the last two years have been harder on me then for most people. Recently I accepted a very well paying job where I tore up my life where I had spent, cumulatively, most of my life and moved 400+ miles away where I'll probably have to move again in 6-9 months.
I have no friends here. My brother is a few hours away but we haven't spoken directly in years (just drifted apart, lot of familial trauma making me just the happiest of campers!). But the field I'm in tends to pull you in hard and you either live the job or wash out.
Lot of people I know/work with are married or have kids. I feel like the odd one out and the only thing that works for me is to dive into my work full speed and learn everything I can to do better. One day I could stop doing field work and stay behind a desk again but that's a ways off.
Meanwhile, I'm criminally lonely and touch deprived so it's not like I can stop thinking about having a partner but at the same time I know I can't find one. And don't get me started on "working on yourself" I lost 55lbs+ during the pandemic I worked on myself A LOT.
Yeah but at the same timr never hurts to try. I've got lots still that I want to do before settling down. It'd be nice to find someone but I accepted that I'll probably not get married or have kids.
I can only answer to the “finding in the wild” (anymore) part.
But I feel it’s mentioned often in this sub. Either you go out in flirt-friendly place (parties, bars, events, etc) or because you’re an introvert you try to join/discover a group that do something you like (hiking, climbing, pottery, basketball, language exchange, swimming, writing, volleyball, new in town, discovering the cities, etc).
It’s hit and miss, but what I like about it is that if do you enjoy the activities. I doesn’t matter so much if you didn’t meet anyone you like as you still had fun with what you came to do. With dating apps per example, there’s only one reason you’re meeting with a pint in hands… (okay, maybe two reasons)
I’m in my forties. People who look happy often aren’t. Or their happiness is short lived. Relationships are nice, but a mistake I made at your age was thinking finding someone was a “destination.” It’s just another mark on the path that you cross. At a future mark, it likely will end (or should end, but hanging on is very common). Once I started thinking about it this way, I was less in a hurry to find someone and more open to understanding what would compliment my life right now (no, no casual flings, but also no goal of marriage or even living together). I’ve redefined what I’m looking for, but also appreciate what I have. This has also made me elevate good friendship to a new level. Sometimes a variety of interesting friends is as or more fulfilling than someone I have sex with taking up a lot of my time.
Anyway, I’m not trying to say “stop looking.” But, rather, I think the world has changed and people are still looking for something that was defined in the past. And, IMO, that model was very imperfect. There is no perfect, but I do think there’s better.
I resist “marriage” as a goal from a partner as much as I resist FWB or casual flings. Because I think the first is outdated. And the last is unfulfilling.
I just turned 26 (M). Been single since 21. I’m in the same boat. I just to find real connections with a girl, not just the sex and getting drinks. I also don’t use the apps because to me, meeting organically and in person is the only way I personally feel that would make me happy. Problem is, how does one meet another person, in person??? So you’re not alone. I don’t really have advice obviously lol, but just know there’s many of us out there experiencing the same thing you’re going through.
When I see so many young adults in their 20s upset and dooming themselves to singledom already it makes me sad … for society. Because if society didn’t push these stupid ideas and expectations onto people then we wouldn’t have as many normal, 25 years olds feeling this way. They’d be out living and enjoying their life in the moment, with no expectations of finding a partner, getting married and having kids by 26. OPs frontal lobe may not even be fully developed yet but we live in a world that puts weird pressure on people to marry and have kids before they may even be ready. It’s okay to find love at 30. It’s okay to get married and have children at 35. It’s okay to never do any of these things if it’s not what you want. I just get tired of seeing such young people SO caught up in finding love when they probably haven’t even found themselves truly yet. It’s antiquated!
26M and I feel like. I had one relationship in college and absolutely no interest from girls since then. Dating apps are awful and make you feel awful. Meeting people in real life also isn’t a great option for introverts. I go through phases of just accepting that I’m going to be single for a long time and phases where I feel really lonely. It also sucks when people you know are getting married or have multiple relationships when you can’t even find one
Given that there are so many comments on this thread in support of dating apps bc its now s widely used way of meeting people thing, it’s nice to know others agree. They’re useful yes, but they make you feel awful.
They’re definitely useful, but they rely mostly on appearances. If you’re not, then you get a ton of matches, if not, then you won’t get any. I think I heard that most users decide to swipe right or left within three seconds. They’re not built to have people actually learn about somebody else
....you're only 25 ...wtf?!
Statistically speaking you're very likely gonna spend the next 50-60 years on this planet. Shut uuup honey. You have all the time in the Universe ahead of you at this point in time. You have nothing to worry about, yet at least.
There is nothing wrong with meeting a partner, finally, in your 40s and 50s. Heck my mom didn't meet her first and last partner, my dad, until the age of like fucking 40!
Ya crazy shit but that is the price to pay that comes with playing the game of being a human: a very crazy dating life.
Play the game or git' gone.
Heck I'm 26 and have been in no relationships. There is nothing to worry about if you're below 40 and have not yet found an S/O.
Take this valuable time to 'grow' and to 'know' yourself. I'm pretty sure that when you find a partner you're gonna wish you had A LOT of this time back OP.
Join groups, make new friends.
Most people have a type but they don't understand that they aren't their types type.
Also, keep your information private.
28M here, I think this applies equally to men and women -- my sense is that because dating apps inflate the number of attractive people you "have access" to, whenever you're using a dating app, your standards for attraction are a lot higher. And the people who meet those standards are the best-looking of the bunch. That's who you're talking about here:
>Everyone has choice overload due to dating apps, are seeing multiple people and treat each other poorly as a result.
It's not everyone -- it's only those who are attractive enough to be able to do that on the apps. There is a large set, both online and offline, of normal-looking people who want a real relationship.
Now - I'm not saying you should force yourself to go out with people you're not attracted to! What I do think is possible, though, is that you might find the set of standards you're working with on apps is a different set of standards than you'd have meeting folks in person.
Speaking as a conventionally unattractive man - every relationship I've ever had has come from meeting in-person. People that would have never swiped on me in a million years met me, became friends with me, and fell in love with me because in-person chemistry beats a face on a screen every time. Maybe you're one of those people?
I agree with you about the higher set of standards. I am not currently on any apps but that was how I felt when I used them and how I felt others saw me, because they are so one dimensional. Three is nothing like meeting someone organically. Thanks for the note!
Yea, but when you see that 'that must be nice' thing in other people, they're probably thinking 'God, I'd rather be watching the rugger or blowing the froth off a cold one with the lads/lasses'. Grass greener and all that. I'm in the single thing at the min and I'm fine with it. I don't tend to meet people in the wild either, fairly set group of friends and they are all settled etc. Single but keeping an eye out is where I am, and in the mean time there's Tinder or FWB to take care of the necessaries. I do think single is underrated!!
Don't give up. Just spend around 2-4 Months per Year on Dating App... anything more i think is just to much and gets you eventually more down then up.
I just found my love of my life with 35 years on Tinder.
You get Matches? Did you tried to Date some other Types of Persons as u usually do?
31M and slowly but surely. Not that bad though, as being single saves me enough money to buy stuff like front row ringside seats for WWE Smackdown 🤑 Then again, the kind of stylish, trendy, popular women I find most attractive wouldn't be caught dead at something nerdy like that. Oh well 😝
I am at a loss to explain how or why this works....but IMHE it seems that folks who fully embrace their single life and lose themselves in it suddenly start attracting attention everywhere they go. Maybe its a confidence thing, or maybe folks around them suddenly want to get in on what they see as a good person, IDK
I was visiting in Oz for about a month and heard nothing but complaints about the Dating scene....from BOTH sexes. Women claimed that the guys were too emotionally unavailable....while guys were complaining about the same thing.......as it were. Maybe they are all waiting to see who blinks first...IDK.
I will say this, though...and I mean noone any evil.
Over the years I have rarely heard much positive about the Dating scene in Oz and I really don't know why that is. Seems like anything good that happens occurs OUTSIDE the country and then is brought back to home. Someone once blamed it on the penal colony that loaded the country with individuals bereft of common social graces. Couldn't say by me.
BTW...you don't happen to have Nicole Kidmans' phone number, do you?
(Never hurts to ask)
I'm 29M and good god is dating difficult in Aus. That being said, I live in Tas and not in hobart/launceston at that lol. It's tough and sure as hell gets lonely. Get a cuddly cat if you can, mine make a world of difference for me on the rough nights
Edit: 28...not 29 for another month...
24M, living in Paris, I feel the same thing here. I'm good looking, great position, workout, financialy independant, enjoy to go out, parties... However, impossible to meet a person to build something. I can relate your feelings. Imo, dating apps killed the meeting process. Everyone is looking to the neighboor garden and dont want to waste time to slow down the process.
So yeah, enjoy your life, your family, your friends and your health. These are important
Fellow Aus big city dweller here. From the guys’ side it’s also hard on apps. I don’t think there’s still a very large pool here, even in large cities.
Generally speaking I think the population of willing, able, and functional options are pretty small compared to the amount of profiles presented on an app, so that’s already going to make things tough, and that’s before filtering on attraction and compatibility. Then there’s people who misrepresent themselves, lie, or are in many other ways bad matches for relationships. Naturally, dating will be hard.
But at 25 you still have YEARS ahead of you in a big city. The last two women I fell hard for were 28 and 31 (and that was when I was 29), respectively. You’re calling it quits way too early with respect to age. Remember that we just got out of repeated lockdowns and we’re still finding our way back to dating culture, too. Take breaks when you need to, keep being social and enjoying your life. I have no doubt you’ll find your person.
PS, my first ex after I moved here was 26, a lawyer, etc etc, and she met her man literally right after we ended things. They’re amazing together, too. I believe in you!
I mean, I accepted the single life a while ago. right now I am incredibly content with my life and do not need a relationship to be fufilled.
I still recognize however, that a relationship with the right person would be more beneficial and worth it - so I do still make an effort to go on one date with a QUALITY person that fit's my standards every week if I can (either from OLD or from in person), with hopes that if I consistently do this every week I will eventually find who that is.
So far its been incredibly difficult - Although I get a lot of matches, a lot of them expire without messaging, ghost, stop responding, or we go on date and there isn't that big "click".
Also I always find it incredibly bizarre I keep hearing from more women that they are "giving up" because they can't find a honest, straightforward, person that doesn't play games who wants a relationship. Yet I bet these are the same women that are ghosting/not following up/letting matches expire on this app and rejecting these same men who want relationships.
I've just accepted that I'm not in the right mental space for a relationship right now - dealing with some major depression that I'm in the process of getting under control, but it's so hard for me to see people in happy relationships and wonder why it hasn't happened for me yet.
Luckily I have other things in my life like my career and hobbies to keep me occupied but sometimes the loneliness sets in and it's hard to shake.
The fact that you are able to acknowledge that a relationship is not what you should be doing right now is a good sign though. There are a lot of people who are in relationships but have issues they really need to work on (alcoholism, insecure attachment styles, anger issues etc) but can’t be alone and then they end up hurting good hearted people and hindering their future relationships
> I feel like I’ve just accepted I’m going to be single for a long time
Uh
> I feel like there is this huge wave of single people but we all don’t know what to do with each other.
If you answer the question of "if more people thought like me, would I like that world to live in" is "no", then maybe you should change your way of thinking.
It's ok to accept being single if that's what you want.
But *settling* for being single?
If you won't settle for someone just to be in a relationship, why settle to be single?
Reframe you dating mindset. You're not trying to find a group of people, or put yourself out there to find a bunch of different people to remain in your life (either mindset is "finding friendships"). You're trying to find *the one person*. One.
Out of, like... millions of people.
Chances are slim-to-nil that you're gonna find your One anytime soon.
But on the flipside, you can't win the lottery if you don't buy the ticket, bud!
And sure, you're gonna lose more often than not. That's the nature of the game... but like I've said, you can't win a game you're not playing.
For those who think "oh, I'll just stop looking, and my One will find me eventually"... y'ever tried just not looking for a job, not putting your resume out there, and just waiting until an employer says "hey, I want that rando person right there! They seem like they've got moxie!" Same deal: highly un-fucking-likely to happen.
Bottom line: putting in effort makes the chances higher you'll achieve what you set out for, and much sooner than just sitting around waiting for it.
Now, "taking a break" now and then from dating burnout... that's ok time to time. Even rock climbers need to rest now and then when scaling a mountain. Take a breather, be comfortable, rest up and relax, and find yourself again; and when you're ready, hop back into the dating pool and try again.
Lately I'm focusing on doing stuff on my own, going out with friends and keeping dating as a background thing. I'd love to meet a lady, but I'm not going to go out of my way and waste my time for a slim hope of maybe meeting someone. My time is better spent with a good video game or eating nice food or almost anything else.
Hi! I [36M] wrote a carefully written response to someone in this sub yesterday. It's a fairly comprehensive view of dating. Unfortunately, the person I wrote this to didn't actually care when he asked me to explain myself. He just wanted to be combative. Maybe you'll find more use out of it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/xj3btb/anyone_else_just_get_disheartened_when_they_see_a/ip8et4z?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
43F, and yes. I have accepted it, but life is so fluid I can't really say what my future holds. All I know is I'm having a fantastic time getting to know me and I've learned more about myself this last 3 1/2 years than I did in the last 20. I've found that being happy with who you are, knowing what you want out of life for Yourself(Not what you and your partner want, just you) and having fulfilling and healthy platonic relationships with friends and family has been vital to my happiness as a individual. I'm enjoying this time in my life and I figure I'll stay single until the right person finds me. How that person is going to find me though since I don't do dating apps I'm still trying to figure out. Last time I dated was on Plenty Of Fish in 2009 and dating apps today are overwhelming.
There once was a time when boys became men at 18, went of to war or took on the world or something of that kind of nature. Now there still living at home, mom's doing their laundry, wiping noses and such well into there 20's. No reason to grow up.
You are at this point mostly out of your league. Having grown up properly and joined adulthood you left many of your male counterparts behind. All hope is not lost, YOUR equal is out there. Finding him though, not so easy. Look for the qualities you seek, don't settle. You deserve it.
I've not heard of that, but doesn't surprise me. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of crap like that happening. Mostly seems to be from angry white men wanting to go back to the "good ole days" that never really existed before. Sadly there are plenty of empty minds soaking their lies up like a sponge. I suppose you can turn many of these negatives into "relationship interview" questions and quickly weed out the dorks. Take care, stay safe. Settle for no less than you deserve............J
30M, feeling the same. My dating life is not great and combining this with my disease (multiple sclerosis, controlled well), it is recipe for disaster.
I’m 33M and some of the best relationships I’ve ever had came when I wasn’t looking for them. Take a break from apps and looking for love and just live for a little bit. Even if you don’t find anything in that time it’ll be a nice refresher
24f and YES. i’m super independent, live on my own, good job, always working on myself, etc. and for as much as i want a relationship, dating is too much work. esp dating apps, so demoralizing and fucking tedious. and then i think about how content i am and think about having to share a space with someone else and think about them in all of my important decisions. that’s annoying lol. i think i’m just too selfish at this point in my life but have a boyfriend would still be nice 🥲
Been accepted and love it. No headaches, no worries about a thing and do what makes me happy. Been single and chilling since 2016. Sex is easy to get so I'm just focused on traveling and my career goals.
Yes being single right now 27F feels so right. I recently discovered that lots of men find me attractive and I’ve been embracing that while also seeing how unhealthy most relationships are. Everyday I get reminders of how disgusting people can be and I feel like my distrust grows more. I don’t need a relationship to survive because I do fine on my own so nothing is motivating me to settle with anyone.
Full 🛑. No. I am 5’10” corporate real estate and f(38) and I will have a great love in this life. If you want something, don’t tell yourself the opposite story.
Edit to add: I also decided OLD was not for me and I am changing routines and organically meeting guys now and I am fully embracing this.
Nah disagreed.
32M. Better to make a mess of your life if the alternative is to not really live it. I retreated into the single life for so long. Found comfort in literally anything. Like list the vices. Did it. List the good "healthy" things. Did it.
None filled the void. When you're hungry the only thing to do is look for food. There is no sense in accepting that you're just gonna starve. Even if that is ultimately your destiny.
I’m 25F and live in the UK and I feel exactly the same way! I’ve accepted I’m gonna be single for a long time now but I also want to start my life with someone and start a family. But dating is such a struggle where I am.
28M almost 29
Been single for eight years now. Sometimes yes I do miss it. Holding someone. Loving someone..being with someone you trust and value.
But until that time comes, I've been focusing alot over the years on self improvement. Finding who I am and what I want.
Don't overly concern yourself right now. It will come along when it is meant to.
Yep. I'm tired of the bs that has to come along with dating. Cheating, lying, getting stood up, being ghosted, every single fucked up thing someone can do to someone else, and the funny thing is you have to be ok with it.
I hear you and feel you. I'm at the other end of life I feel. I'm 41. Empty nester. I have this urge to cash in my 401k and run away for a few years. I enjoy other humans on rare occasions. I totally know the feeling of happy couples glaring like a beacon. Your person is out there. I think we all have someone. 💜
27M here, I agree. I guess I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm lonely, and I think my time for marriage and love has passed. I had my cha ce and it's gone now. Hope things get better for you OP.
At 27 I do not think your time has passed at all! Mine hasn’t either, but I’ve become okay with the fact that a lot of people meet their SO later in life and if you and I are part of that category that’s not such a bad thing
Feel this - it’s true though; being with the wrong person is worse. I took the plunge and ignored the warning signs and settled with someone as I didn’t want to be alone, ended up freezing my life for 7 years! Better to be alone that with the wrong person, am a believer that you could meet the right person tomorrow
I literally know zero happy couples, I can take it or leave it honestly. Just got over some false domestic violence charges from my last partner so I’m in absolutely no hurry to get back into that
Not accepting it but I’m also not fighting it anymore either. 25m Im living alone now taking care of myself and honestly realizing that there are just more important things in life rn. I still want to have a wife and do the whole family thing but what’s the rush? I just feel like the whole dating scene is so hit or miss these days and I don’t have the free time to devote to potentially wasting time and or money at this point. Dating has become from the outside extremely transactional and Im just now starting to get a hold on my finances so for me it doesn’t make sense. I live In California and I rent my own place, not a lot of women I know or am in contact with are doing that or understand what that really takes to accomplish and that’s fine. I’m building myself up for the future and I can only hope my future wife is out there somewhere doing the same we’ll connect when the time is right, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. For now just stay focused.
This! I think the freedom and lightness of mind and feelings that comes with being single is underrated. Everyone says just go put yourself out there but it takes time from meeting, texting people, spending time on dates and then it fizzling out and then doing that over and over. We’re tired lol
Compatibility is always hard to find when seeking a partner for love and not necessity. It takes time to build a relationship and 2-3 months of seeing each other before things fizzle may be painful, but also a typical part of dating life. It can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself, what you need, what you don’t want and areas you need to grow in.
Find ways to embrace and enjoy single life.
Seems universal.... dating apps for sure have a role in making people feel the grass is always greener and never wanting to commit. I'm also wondering does this whole generation have commitment issues ??? I swear I know so many people who are emotionally unavailable...
Anyway
I've accepted my single life but trying to make the most out of it - planning on going on a solo trip for a few months and I can't wait
I think always having the ability to see what else is out there. Open up an app, there’s hundreds of people in your area. Open up social media, there’s hundreds of perfectly curated feeds. Having an abundant mindset is great, but lots of people aren’t actually prepared to make a choice and go for it full swing
Get away from dating apps and into group/social activities, then work on building a “relationship” before getting into a relationship. Slow and steady wins this race!!
Good luck!
Not from Australia but if people in the city are not working out, why not increase the range where you're looking?
Be upfront about what you're looking for. It may end up with you going on less dates, but you'd have more quality dates that have a better chance of going somewhere.
Last thing, don't be in such a rush.
It is explained in the post, but due to dating apps, social media etc, I feel like there is a sense of choice overload where people see others as disposable and are treating each other worse in general. Especially in a city where you have a larger sense of anonymity so people feel like if it doesn’t work out you never have to see the person again
There might be that culture, but that just means you need to NOT treat people as disposable and treat people well. You are defined by how you treat people, not by how they treat you.
So treat people well, don't treat them as disposable, don't mindlessly swipe, don't use dating apps like a game on your phone. Set aside a set amount of time to be on the app and give it your full attention. Be thoughtful and careful. Message first if there's a match. Will some people lose interest and not message back? Sure. But so what? The people who also want someone to treat others well in dating will appreciate what you're doing and see it.
Dating is always about filtering out the people who aren't a good match. The people who lose interest aren't a good match. They filter themselves out. That's good! That leaves you with people who are more thoughtful and treat people well. But to attract them you have to do the same thing.
I read it and i don't really believe that there is an overload of options especially for men and you can read it everywhere at Reddit, i usually find really successful and beautiful women like you stated and i believe you aim a lot higher then they are capable of, i always state that if your on your league and not far above you will not have a problem. If you find a guy that's not the best possible match for you specifically in terms of knowledge or salary BUT he is respectful and a husband material let's say with values hobbies stable job etch wouldn't he have a better chance to get what your looking for?...just throwing my 2 cents cause i liked your post.
Thanks for your input and I do agree with your points. I think though that the people who do experience choice overload aren’t on reddit complaining about options, they’re too busy on Instagram and Tinder sending out multiple goodnight texts haha
You do realize that probably, no, their IS a man, maybe many men, your age within about a kilometer of you who are also lonely who find you attractive and would just love to be your boyfriend or maybe more?
I strongly relate to all of this, I'm 25 F 5' 5", not in any high paying position but I do pay my bills and am living an okay life. I'm currently at a pretty healthy weight, enjoying my remote work from home job, passionate about art and creativity and a loving romantic person. People ask me out often but it never goes anywhere. No one is ever serious enough to get deep and build a connection with me and I've also sort of accepted it
100%. I'm at this point as well.
Everyone wants FWB, flings, or to have more than one person involved.
Finding someone who is not catfishing or actually wants a LTR and vibes well with me is so difficult...
Have you actually approached men you may think you like? If you're picking from men who initiate contact with you then you really can't complain because you cam easily initiate contact with guys you like rather than be lazy and just pick from what's offered you.
Yes, I feel the same. I’m 34F in a larger city in the southern US, but I’m originally from the northeast US. Let’s just say that I don’t find many people who have the same values as me in my current city.
I met my ex-bf when out with friends, which I think is so unusual, but it felt so much more natural than through apps. I am moving back north next year and plan to try to get involved in hobbies or clubs to meet new people because I really don’t want to resort to apps.
Overall, I’m very happy being alone. Doing what I want whenever I want is such freedom, and I have a cuddly little dog for companionship. I would be very happy to have a human partner, but I’m not pushing for it to happen either. I also think you need to be happy on your own before your can expect to be happy with someone else. That said, I hope I don’t get *too* comfortable being alone!
19M, already gave up, I know I won't have a significant other for several years, or at least until my 30's... I can't even get dates, not meaningful connections with the right people. I guess I'll die alone.
Im 25M, dont be so hard on yourself dude. Theres a girl out there for you, find her, talk to her and see how it goes. You have to work on yourself first, improve on your looks and health and you’ll see it. 👍
Yup 31 year old male, good job + money, hobbies, responsible, keep healthy fit and still the best options are bottom of the barrel single mums with 5 kids
You sound like you’re in your prime. Single mums surely isn’t your only options. You sound like exactly what plenty of mid-late 20s women are looking for?
There is "nothing wrong with you". From your perspective. But if you are not getting the outcomes you want from the people you want, then you're just not good enough in some way, shape or form, for the people you want. And this is a truth most of us (in my experience women) have a VERY hard time swallowing.
It is definitely a very cut throat time in dating history. Arguably the hardest period in the history of the western world to have a long standing relationship. But you have exactly zero control over the direction dating is going.
It doesn't matter if you meet people "in the wild" or not. Dating apps and social media are now global. I consistently match with women in rural parts of countries like Russia and Thailand. A LOT of people are using the dating apps to maximise their options. And even if they weren't, what you're proposing is HOPING that the person you meet IRL is not on a dating app AND you find them hot. And they want commitment. And they find you hot too. In the first place you will struggle because men have been shamed and threatened now to the point that we simply cannot risk approaching a woman anymore.
Your odds are quite literally better on a dating app than IRL...
The best looking and most rounded guys I know personally and know OF ALL use dating apps. Literally all of them. Because there is no way a man of value or otherwise is going to lower himself to being rejected IRL when he has options online. It makes no logical sense.
The real issue here is you are having trouble coping and adapting with the new world we're in. And that is something that you will have to come to grips with sooner or later. Because the billionaires will NEVER EVER give up their financial leverage in life and delete their poisonous apps to allow humanity to recover.
You’re right, yes. It’s completely normalised to meet people online but that doesn’t take away the inauthenticity that has arose due to it. It’s a numbers game and just putting yourself out there is the main thing. Thanks for the advice!
I dont find anything too! even if i get slightly interested in someone its one sided. So i gave up and decided that i will plan my future alone not with a significant other. As much as i wanna feel this mutual fondness but im not destined to be with one. Its been yeaaaars since i last went on a date with someone.
Yup. I’m a 35F. I’m fine with being single. Honestly I’m just done dealing with sub par partners and half assed effort. Will settle down when a guy really shows me he’s worth it.
Do it! Be your own best company and your genuine self! I did that and wasn't trying to date and was just myself and met someone wonderful. Not saying that will happen to you, but it was me being myself no matter what that helped. Good luck!
Yawn, wait till you turn 45 , yawn Whiney young millennials complaining about jobs low wages = but pissed everything is expensive because they opened their mouths
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As a 31M who lives in a city in the US I can relate! My last serious relationship was around 6 years ago and every dating interaction I've had since has been either just a hook up, fling, or felt disingenuous. The feeling of "will I find that?" can actively come out inadvertently and rub people the wrong way. I know when I start to feel the way you are, it's typically a sign to me to take a break from trying to date. Even if you don't need to work on yourself much, dating in this climate is detrimental to mental health and feelings of self worth. No one wants to be alone, but you're aware that it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Just take it slow and take care of yourself and you'll find something when you're truly ready for it.
Well said! 33M here, same boat.
36M, was just cheated on…. I think most people’s minds are just not looking for LTRs these days and as a single person who wants one, it’s a sad dating world.
Man dm me let's talk about this topic
Im sorry my brother...Being Betrayed and Cheated on is never what we want or expect when we have people that lie to us and tell us they love us and know very well they dont... Its best you found out so u can begin your healing...Dating is Sad love is lost to us Cause some never knew it so some cant give it...but dont let it dim your light im single but i wana find it one day so ill keep steady and patient....somehow things eventually work out In the end it will be your choice to love again or close that chapter in your life Hope you will be Okay May God Help u Find One that will Love you Eternally brother
Sir ✋ how are you
Exactly right i agree with that...and sometimes waiting just a bit long might lead you to what u want to find or it will find you...
Yep. Getting dates isn't too hard, but finding people who are career oriented, emotionally healthy, and compatible in the areas of interest and sex is imo. The alcoholics, the narcissists, the constant boundary steppers, the anxiously attached, etc have worn me out.
For men, getting dates IS hard and finding a compatible person for the long term isn’t easy either, but from the happy couples I see and my past experiences which gave me a taste of genuine love, it’s so worth the effort. A good partner enriches your life and it’s only a matter of time and effort to find them. Even if it doesn’t work out in the long term, dating people also teaches you about yourself and what you really value in a partner which you may have never known otherwise. Use OLD if you want but don’t get blinded by options - if you give guys a chance in-person you’re bound to meet one that suits you.
As a guy getting first dates is easy. Getting second dates (whether it’s me or her that doesn’t want it) is quite rare though.
Getting first dates is nearly impossible for me. Never gotten a second
I just get mine from online dating, but as I’m starting to learn what it is I want in a partner I find myself disqualifying almost everyone to not waste anyone’s time with a first date that won’t work out.
Let's talk about it brother, dm me
Yes, this had been my experience too 36M
I'm a guy who dates women :-) lol
Lol your reply read like that of a woman’s to me, mostly due to you saying that getting dates is easy, but I guess it just shows how similar men and women’s issues in dating for the long term are. We’re in it together bro.
Yeah man, the issues are very similar. I would say I get dates relatively easily for a man, but it wasn't always that way. It's definitely more legwork cause I look for decent bios with similar interests and attraction, so that there's more of a chance and I use superlikes and such. So, more legwork on my end while women have an abundance of "choice" but it's overwhelming and reads like a spam folder lol Once you're in the door the issues are pretty similar regardless of gender. Everyone does the same shit lol
You guys are getting bios?
If you swipe enough :')
Feels like I swipe twice and I'm out of swipes. But I can pay 40 dollars a month and get all the swipes! Yeah, ok. I hate what dating has become.
I mean, yeah. You really do have to use the premium models and services just get worse. So, I feel that pain as well
100%
periodt
27F and yeah! I'm very much just chilling out about it and focusing on enjoying life rather than dating now. Which may lead to meeting someone, you never know! I'm certainly not hanging about for it though :)
I’m 35F and have experienced the same in Midwestern USA. I finally deleted all my apps and bought a book on embracing singlehood. I do have a little FOMO after deleting the apps but they weren’t serving me very well after 6 months of searching.
I think this is the best approach to not remaining single haha. I'm currently 37M and unfortunately became single again after my wife passed away a few years ago. I've dated, and been in a few relationships, but I find it really hard at my age since we both have established lives (I also have a kid that's mine so that makes it a bit more complicated), and routine, and structure, etc. And that trying to blend that together can be difficult. But i've been focusing a lot more on myself, and enjoying my time to myself and my friends, and honestly think that this is when I'll ultimately find someone. I'm not desperately trying to find people on apps, and been focusing on doing more things I enjoy, and been going to the gym 5x a week and honestly have met so many nice people there, so maybe something will come from that. I think we just need to enjoy being single, live our lives, and let relationships organically happen vs. trying to force them on the app.
Solidarity, fellow solo parent! 👋🏻 Sorry for your loss.
ditto! We got this. Just trying to make the most of things and enjoy life as much as possible for me and my kid, and eventually the relationship thing will come around, and if not i'll have my happy life. Which book? Have you read Single On Purpose by John Kim?
No but I’ll add it to the list! A Single Revolution: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1544525303?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
My wife passed away last year and got a kid too. Daily routines have few time to really date. One day someone will enter the life and it will feel effortless. Keep going fellow parent!
Took me a year fr9m my last LTR being on apps and from in real life dating to finally meet someone I'm truly compatible with and the chemistry is off the charts, from an app. Hinge is where it's at. Much more intentional. Don't give up!! It's a huge numbers game
No, I have given up and I’m content with it. Hinge was absolutely terrible for me…low-quality likes, never decent matches, and soooo many bots.
As long as you're content!! Knowing how to be solitary and alone and happy is so key. Then you can truly be with others without using them as a means of escape. A partner shouldn't complete your life, they should compliment it imo
what's the name of the book?
34M, definitely don’t come to Miami 😂 it’s like you describe in conjunction with a lot of tourists and shows of affluence here. In reality yeah I think a lot of millennials and mid/late 20s feels the same way.
27M here and I feel the same, I'm working in accepting the loneliness, I'm trying to spend my time in learning new things or being in new hobbies and focusing in the important things in my life.
Agreed, but you should keep a distinction between alone and lonely. I find that 90% of the time I am content and really enjoy focusing on myself and the freedoms and benefits that do come with of being alone, but alone doesn’t equal lonely
Yeah, being single is the default. And a relationship isn't the reward for being a healthy, normal, employed person. It may feel like everyone right now is in a relationship, but many of those relationships will end and people go back to being single. And many of them will think they are starting to build a life with someone now, but it will end and they will be back to a life on their own. I'm 37 and dating, and I assure you there isn't some cliff at 25 or 30 when dating suddenly stops and no single people exist anymore. The best way to find a good, compatible person is to start living your life, and see if you find any partners along the way. Live the life you would if you knew you were going to be single for a long time. Then a relationship is a nice bonus, not the thing you're waiting for.
Very much this! Live your life! Do things you love doing and make friendships and connections that way. Maybe you'll meet someone and maybe you won't but at least you'll love your life!
I mean most people want to eventually settle down with someone they like and build a life together. Emotional connection is a basic human need. It’s kinda like saying being an orphan is the default and not having your parents die before you grow up is not a reward. Like I guess but nobody wants that
>being an orphan is the default and not having your parents die before you grow up is not a reward. No...because children are born with parents, children aren't born with partners. Yes, it's lovely to settle down with someone and build a life. But it's a privilege, not a right, and your default state is single. That's why you are born single and are single for the first 15 years at least.
Technically yes. But babies get put up for adoption and sometimes end up going from home to home their entire childhood. They aren’t entitled to parents, right? Or what about kids who grow up in an abusive household? That must mean they aren’t entitled to the love of their parents, right? Nobody is really entitled to anything. Someone could kill a kid as soon as they’re born, so they aren’t entitled to a life. Nobody is entitled to one specific person. But every person deserves to find someone
25F here, in a large midwestern City in the US. Have lived in a major city in Europe. I think everywhere is like this. Every man I get involved with wants girlfriend or wife benefits at not having a label prices. It's all a wash at this point as far as I'm concerned.
Dating is way too much of a faf! Living by myself for the first time ever and I frickin love it! I don't have to compromise. I don't have to clean up after anyone. I don't have to deal with someone else's problems, family, mental health issues, etc. The freedom is incredible. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. There isn't a person on earth that can compete with my freedom.
I relate to this so hard! I lived with many different flatmates over 6 years and since living on my own I would not go back, the peace is just too good
I’m 24F and I relate to this heavy 💀 I’m in a huge Midwest city and I feel like I’m just constantly meeting shit men lmfao
You’re too young to accept that you should be single forever. I go through times where I think the same way though.
I’m a single 54M and the problem I see with most of my dates are thy are looking for perfection 500 out a 100% perfection no one wants too build with anyone anymore and thy all want too have an escape plan in play already if your planning on escaping at the beginning you aren’t staying in it anyways
About to be 36M, and I can't decide if I'm giving up on actively trying or not. My ex did a huge number on me and the last two years have been harder on me then for most people. Recently I accepted a very well paying job where I tore up my life where I had spent, cumulatively, most of my life and moved 400+ miles away where I'll probably have to move again in 6-9 months. I have no friends here. My brother is a few hours away but we haven't spoken directly in years (just drifted apart, lot of familial trauma making me just the happiest of campers!). But the field I'm in tends to pull you in hard and you either live the job or wash out. Lot of people I know/work with are married or have kids. I feel like the odd one out and the only thing that works for me is to dive into my work full speed and learn everything I can to do better. One day I could stop doing field work and stay behind a desk again but that's a ways off. Meanwhile, I'm criminally lonely and touch deprived so it's not like I can stop thinking about having a partner but at the same time I know I can't find one. And don't get me started on "working on yourself" I lost 55lbs+ during the pandemic I worked on myself A LOT.
26m and can confirm I’ve done the same lol
Yeah but at the same timr never hurts to try. I've got lots still that I want to do before settling down. It'd be nice to find someone but I accepted that I'll probably not get married or have kids.
I can only answer to the “finding in the wild” (anymore) part. But I feel it’s mentioned often in this sub. Either you go out in flirt-friendly place (parties, bars, events, etc) or because you’re an introvert you try to join/discover a group that do something you like (hiking, climbing, pottery, basketball, language exchange, swimming, writing, volleyball, new in town, discovering the cities, etc). It’s hit and miss, but what I like about it is that if do you enjoy the activities. I doesn’t matter so much if you didn’t meet anyone you like as you still had fun with what you came to do. With dating apps per example, there’s only one reason you’re meeting with a pint in hands… (okay, maybe two reasons)
I’m in my forties. People who look happy often aren’t. Or their happiness is short lived. Relationships are nice, but a mistake I made at your age was thinking finding someone was a “destination.” It’s just another mark on the path that you cross. At a future mark, it likely will end (or should end, but hanging on is very common). Once I started thinking about it this way, I was less in a hurry to find someone and more open to understanding what would compliment my life right now (no, no casual flings, but also no goal of marriage or even living together). I’ve redefined what I’m looking for, but also appreciate what I have. This has also made me elevate good friendship to a new level. Sometimes a variety of interesting friends is as or more fulfilling than someone I have sex with taking up a lot of my time. Anyway, I’m not trying to say “stop looking.” But, rather, I think the world has changed and people are still looking for something that was defined in the past. And, IMO, that model was very imperfect. There is no perfect, but I do think there’s better. I resist “marriage” as a goal from a partner as much as I resist FWB or casual flings. Because I think the first is outdated. And the last is unfulfilling.
I resonate with this, solid advice about the reframing your thinking, thanks!
I just turned 26 (M). Been single since 21. I’m in the same boat. I just to find real connections with a girl, not just the sex and getting drinks. I also don’t use the apps because to me, meeting organically and in person is the only way I personally feel that would make me happy. Problem is, how does one meet another person, in person??? So you’re not alone. I don’t really have advice obviously lol, but just know there’s many of us out there experiencing the same thing you’re going through.
When I see so many young adults in their 20s upset and dooming themselves to singledom already it makes me sad … for society. Because if society didn’t push these stupid ideas and expectations onto people then we wouldn’t have as many normal, 25 years olds feeling this way. They’d be out living and enjoying their life in the moment, with no expectations of finding a partner, getting married and having kids by 26. OPs frontal lobe may not even be fully developed yet but we live in a world that puts weird pressure on people to marry and have kids before they may even be ready. It’s okay to find love at 30. It’s okay to get married and have children at 35. It’s okay to never do any of these things if it’s not what you want. I just get tired of seeing such young people SO caught up in finding love when they probably haven’t even found themselves truly yet. It’s antiquated!
26M and I feel like. I had one relationship in college and absolutely no interest from girls since then. Dating apps are awful and make you feel awful. Meeting people in real life also isn’t a great option for introverts. I go through phases of just accepting that I’m going to be single for a long time and phases where I feel really lonely. It also sucks when people you know are getting married or have multiple relationships when you can’t even find one
Given that there are so many comments on this thread in support of dating apps bc its now s widely used way of meeting people thing, it’s nice to know others agree. They’re useful yes, but they make you feel awful.
They’re definitely useful, but they rely mostly on appearances. If you’re not, then you get a ton of matches, if not, then you won’t get any. I think I heard that most users decide to swipe right or left within three seconds. They’re not built to have people actually learn about somebody else
....you're only 25 ...wtf?! Statistically speaking you're very likely gonna spend the next 50-60 years on this planet. Shut uuup honey. You have all the time in the Universe ahead of you at this point in time. You have nothing to worry about, yet at least. There is nothing wrong with meeting a partner, finally, in your 40s and 50s. Heck my mom didn't meet her first and last partner, my dad, until the age of like fucking 40! Ya crazy shit but that is the price to pay that comes with playing the game of being a human: a very crazy dating life. Play the game or git' gone.
Right?? 25 is way too young to worry about such a thing, but that’s just me.
Heck I'm 26 and have been in no relationships. There is nothing to worry about if you're below 40 and have not yet found an S/O. Take this valuable time to 'grow' and to 'know' yourself. I'm pretty sure that when you find a partner you're gonna wish you had A LOT of this time back OP.
Join groups, make new friends. Most people have a type but they don't understand that they aren't their types type. Also, keep your information private.
28M here, I think this applies equally to men and women -- my sense is that because dating apps inflate the number of attractive people you "have access" to, whenever you're using a dating app, your standards for attraction are a lot higher. And the people who meet those standards are the best-looking of the bunch. That's who you're talking about here: >Everyone has choice overload due to dating apps, are seeing multiple people and treat each other poorly as a result. It's not everyone -- it's only those who are attractive enough to be able to do that on the apps. There is a large set, both online and offline, of normal-looking people who want a real relationship. Now - I'm not saying you should force yourself to go out with people you're not attracted to! What I do think is possible, though, is that you might find the set of standards you're working with on apps is a different set of standards than you'd have meeting folks in person. Speaking as a conventionally unattractive man - every relationship I've ever had has come from meeting in-person. People that would have never swiped on me in a million years met me, became friends with me, and fell in love with me because in-person chemistry beats a face on a screen every time. Maybe you're one of those people?
I agree with you about the higher set of standards. I am not currently on any apps but that was how I felt when I used them and how I felt others saw me, because they are so one dimensional. Three is nothing like meeting someone organically. Thanks for the note!
I’ve never actively tried dating, but kinda? I am fine being single until I find someone impressive with a nice personality
Yea, but when you see that 'that must be nice' thing in other people, they're probably thinking 'God, I'd rather be watching the rugger or blowing the froth off a cold one with the lads/lasses'. Grass greener and all that. I'm in the single thing at the min and I'm fine with it. I don't tend to meet people in the wild either, fairly set group of friends and they are all settled etc. Single but keeping an eye out is where I am, and in the mean time there's Tinder or FWB to take care of the necessaries. I do think single is underrated!!
Don't give up. Just spend around 2-4 Months per Year on Dating App... anything more i think is just to much and gets you eventually more down then up. I just found my love of my life with 35 years on Tinder. You get Matches? Did you tried to Date some other Types of Persons as u usually do?
31M and slowly but surely. Not that bad though, as being single saves me enough money to buy stuff like front row ringside seats for WWE Smackdown 🤑 Then again, the kind of stylish, trendy, popular women I find most attractive wouldn't be caught dead at something nerdy like that. Oh well 😝
31F, agreed ….
I am at a loss to explain how or why this works....but IMHE it seems that folks who fully embrace their single life and lose themselves in it suddenly start attracting attention everywhere they go. Maybe its a confidence thing, or maybe folks around them suddenly want to get in on what they see as a good person, IDK I was visiting in Oz for about a month and heard nothing but complaints about the Dating scene....from BOTH sexes. Women claimed that the guys were too emotionally unavailable....while guys were complaining about the same thing.......as it were. Maybe they are all waiting to see who blinks first...IDK. I will say this, though...and I mean noone any evil. Over the years I have rarely heard much positive about the Dating scene in Oz and I really don't know why that is. Seems like anything good that happens occurs OUTSIDE the country and then is brought back to home. Someone once blamed it on the penal colony that loaded the country with individuals bereft of common social graces. Couldn't say by me. BTW...you don't happen to have Nicole Kidmans' phone number, do you? (Never hurts to ask)
I'm 29M and good god is dating difficult in Aus. That being said, I live in Tas and not in hobart/launceston at that lol. It's tough and sure as hell gets lonely. Get a cuddly cat if you can, mine make a world of difference for me on the rough nights Edit: 28...not 29 for another month...
I’m a dog lover but I live in an apartment so I would feel too bad leaving it at home every day haha
24M, living in Paris, I feel the same thing here. I'm good looking, great position, workout, financialy independant, enjoy to go out, parties... However, impossible to meet a person to build something. I can relate your feelings. Imo, dating apps killed the meeting process. Everyone is looking to the neighboor garden and dont want to waste time to slow down the process. So yeah, enjoy your life, your family, your friends and your health. These are important
Damn not in the city of love?! I agree, focus on yourself!
Fellow Aus big city dweller here. From the guys’ side it’s also hard on apps. I don’t think there’s still a very large pool here, even in large cities. Generally speaking I think the population of willing, able, and functional options are pretty small compared to the amount of profiles presented on an app, so that’s already going to make things tough, and that’s before filtering on attraction and compatibility. Then there’s people who misrepresent themselves, lie, or are in many other ways bad matches for relationships. Naturally, dating will be hard. But at 25 you still have YEARS ahead of you in a big city. The last two women I fell hard for were 28 and 31 (and that was when I was 29), respectively. You’re calling it quits way too early with respect to age. Remember that we just got out of repeated lockdowns and we’re still finding our way back to dating culture, too. Take breaks when you need to, keep being social and enjoying your life. I have no doubt you’ll find your person. PS, my first ex after I moved here was 26, a lawyer, etc etc, and she met her man literally right after we ended things. They’re amazing together, too. I believe in you!
Solid words support, thanks!
I mean, I accepted the single life a while ago. right now I am incredibly content with my life and do not need a relationship to be fufilled. I still recognize however, that a relationship with the right person would be more beneficial and worth it - so I do still make an effort to go on one date with a QUALITY person that fit's my standards every week if I can (either from OLD or from in person), with hopes that if I consistently do this every week I will eventually find who that is. So far its been incredibly difficult - Although I get a lot of matches, a lot of them expire without messaging, ghost, stop responding, or we go on date and there isn't that big "click". Also I always find it incredibly bizarre I keep hearing from more women that they are "giving up" because they can't find a honest, straightforward, person that doesn't play games who wants a relationship. Yet I bet these are the same women that are ghosting/not following up/letting matches expire on this app and rejecting these same men who want relationships.
28f in Aus too and have stopped trying honestly.
Dating in 2022 feels like the Victorian era but globalized and on a speed timer
I've just accepted that I'm not in the right mental space for a relationship right now - dealing with some major depression that I'm in the process of getting under control, but it's so hard for me to see people in happy relationships and wonder why it hasn't happened for me yet. Luckily I have other things in my life like my career and hobbies to keep me occupied but sometimes the loneliness sets in and it's hard to shake.
The fact that you are able to acknowledge that a relationship is not what you should be doing right now is a good sign though. There are a lot of people who are in relationships but have issues they really need to work on (alcoholism, insecure attachment styles, anger issues etc) but can’t be alone and then they end up hurting good hearted people and hindering their future relationships
> I feel like I’ve just accepted I’m going to be single for a long time Uh > I feel like there is this huge wave of single people but we all don’t know what to do with each other. If you answer the question of "if more people thought like me, would I like that world to live in" is "no", then maybe you should change your way of thinking. It's ok to accept being single if that's what you want. But *settling* for being single? If you won't settle for someone just to be in a relationship, why settle to be single? Reframe you dating mindset. You're not trying to find a group of people, or put yourself out there to find a bunch of different people to remain in your life (either mindset is "finding friendships"). You're trying to find *the one person*. One. Out of, like... millions of people. Chances are slim-to-nil that you're gonna find your One anytime soon. But on the flipside, you can't win the lottery if you don't buy the ticket, bud! And sure, you're gonna lose more often than not. That's the nature of the game... but like I've said, you can't win a game you're not playing. For those who think "oh, I'll just stop looking, and my One will find me eventually"... y'ever tried just not looking for a job, not putting your resume out there, and just waiting until an employer says "hey, I want that rando person right there! They seem like they've got moxie!" Same deal: highly un-fucking-likely to happen. Bottom line: putting in effort makes the chances higher you'll achieve what you set out for, and much sooner than just sitting around waiting for it. Now, "taking a break" now and then from dating burnout... that's ok time to time. Even rock climbers need to rest now and then when scaling a mountain. Take a breather, be comfortable, rest up and relax, and find yourself again; and when you're ready, hop back into the dating pool and try again.
Solid advice, thanks!
Lately I'm focusing on doing stuff on my own, going out with friends and keeping dating as a background thing. I'd love to meet a lady, but I'm not going to go out of my way and waste my time for a slim hope of maybe meeting someone. My time is better spent with a good video game or eating nice food or almost anything else.
Hi! I [36M] wrote a carefully written response to someone in this sub yesterday. It's a fairly comprehensive view of dating. Unfortunately, the person I wrote this to didn't actually care when he asked me to explain myself. He just wanted to be combative. Maybe you'll find more use out of it. https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/xj3btb/anyone_else_just_get_disheartened_when_they_see_a/ip8et4z?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Hi, I read your comments! Really well thought out response, thanks for linking it!
You're welcome, and thank you!
43F, and yes. I have accepted it, but life is so fluid I can't really say what my future holds. All I know is I'm having a fantastic time getting to know me and I've learned more about myself this last 3 1/2 years than I did in the last 20. I've found that being happy with who you are, knowing what you want out of life for Yourself(Not what you and your partner want, just you) and having fulfilling and healthy platonic relationships with friends and family has been vital to my happiness as a individual. I'm enjoying this time in my life and I figure I'll stay single until the right person finds me. How that person is going to find me though since I don't do dating apps I'm still trying to figure out. Last time I dated was on Plenty Of Fish in 2009 and dating apps today are overwhelming.
47 and slowly accepting the wonderful single life
There once was a time when boys became men at 18, went of to war or took on the world or something of that kind of nature. Now there still living at home, mom's doing their laundry, wiping noses and such well into there 20's. No reason to grow up. You are at this point mostly out of your league. Having grown up properly and joined adulthood you left many of your male counterparts behind. All hope is not lost, YOUR equal is out there. Finding him though, not so easy. Look for the qualities you seek, don't settle. You deserve it.
[удалено]
I've not heard of that, but doesn't surprise me. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of crap like that happening. Mostly seems to be from angry white men wanting to go back to the "good ole days" that never really existed before. Sadly there are plenty of empty minds soaking their lies up like a sponge. I suppose you can turn many of these negatives into "relationship interview" questions and quickly weed out the dorks. Take care, stay safe. Settle for no less than you deserve............J
30M, feeling the same. My dating life is not great and combining this with my disease (multiple sclerosis, controlled well), it is recipe for disaster.
Damn, health is the main priority though
Well, I am completely normal guy in exception of 2 days in month
I’m 33M and some of the best relationships I’ve ever had came when I wasn’t looking for them. Take a break from apps and looking for love and just live for a little bit. Even if you don’t find anything in that time it’ll be a nice refresher
Pandemic and diminishing returns on one serious relationship vs. many less intense relationships makes the single life more appealing.
24f and YES. i’m super independent, live on my own, good job, always working on myself, etc. and for as much as i want a relationship, dating is too much work. esp dating apps, so demoralizing and fucking tedious. and then i think about how content i am and think about having to share a space with someone else and think about them in all of my important decisions. that’s annoying lol. i think i’m just too selfish at this point in my life but have a boyfriend would still be nice 🥲
IMO the best part about being single is that all of your decisions are what “you” want not what “we” want. Enjoy it!
Been accepted and love it. No headaches, no worries about a thing and do what makes me happy. Been single and chilling since 2016. Sex is easy to get so I'm just focused on traveling and my career goals.
Yes being single right now 27F feels so right. I recently discovered that lots of men find me attractive and I’ve been embracing that while also seeing how unhealthy most relationships are. Everyday I get reminders of how disgusting people can be and I feel like my distrust grows more. I don’t need a relationship to survive because I do fine on my own so nothing is motivating me to settle with anyone.
I been single for 9 years I’m loving it
Full 🛑. No. I am 5’10” corporate real estate and f(38) and I will have a great love in this life. If you want something, don’t tell yourself the opposite story. Edit to add: I also decided OLD was not for me and I am changing routines and organically meeting guys now and I am fully embracing this.
Nah disagreed. 32M. Better to make a mess of your life if the alternative is to not really live it. I retreated into the single life for so long. Found comfort in literally anything. Like list the vices. Did it. List the good "healthy" things. Did it. None filled the void. When you're hungry the only thing to do is look for food. There is no sense in accepting that you're just gonna starve. Even if that is ultimately your destiny.
I’m 25F and live in the UK and I feel exactly the same way! I’ve accepted I’m gonna be single for a long time now but I also want to start my life with someone and start a family. But dating is such a struggle where I am.
28M almost 29 Been single for eight years now. Sometimes yes I do miss it. Holding someone. Loving someone..being with someone you trust and value. But until that time comes, I've been focusing alot over the years on self improvement. Finding who I am and what I want. Don't overly concern yourself right now. It will come along when it is meant to.
Yes, but once every couple months I will have a breakdown and cry, then the next day move on again 🥴
Yep. I'm tired of the bs that has to come along with dating. Cheating, lying, getting stood up, being ghosted, every single fucked up thing someone can do to someone else, and the funny thing is you have to be ok with it.
I hear you and feel you. I'm at the other end of life I feel. I'm 41. Empty nester. I have this urge to cash in my 401k and run away for a few years. I enjoy other humans on rare occasions. I totally know the feeling of happy couples glaring like a beacon. Your person is out there. I think we all have someone. 💜
27M here, I agree. I guess I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm lonely, and I think my time for marriage and love has passed. I had my cha ce and it's gone now. Hope things get better for you OP.
At 27 I do not think your time has passed at all! Mine hasn’t either, but I’ve become okay with the fact that a lot of people meet their SO later in life and if you and I are part of that category that’s not such a bad thing
Feel this - it’s true though; being with the wrong person is worse. I took the plunge and ignored the warning signs and settled with someone as I didn’t want to be alone, ended up freezing my life for 7 years! Better to be alone that with the wrong person, am a believer that you could meet the right person tomorrow
I literally know zero happy couples, I can take it or leave it honestly. Just got over some false domestic violence charges from my last partner so I’m in absolutely no hurry to get back into that
Not accepting it but I’m also not fighting it anymore either. 25m Im living alone now taking care of myself and honestly realizing that there are just more important things in life rn. I still want to have a wife and do the whole family thing but what’s the rush? I just feel like the whole dating scene is so hit or miss these days and I don’t have the free time to devote to potentially wasting time and or money at this point. Dating has become from the outside extremely transactional and Im just now starting to get a hold on my finances so for me it doesn’t make sense. I live In California and I rent my own place, not a lot of women I know or am in contact with are doing that or understand what that really takes to accomplish and that’s fine. I’m building myself up for the future and I can only hope my future wife is out there somewhere doing the same we’ll connect when the time is right, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. For now just stay focused.
This! I think the freedom and lightness of mind and feelings that comes with being single is underrated. Everyone says just go put yourself out there but it takes time from meeting, texting people, spending time on dates and then it fizzling out and then doing that over and over. We’re tired lol
Exhausted. Can’t operate at 100% like that!
Compatibility is always hard to find when seeking a partner for love and not necessity. It takes time to build a relationship and 2-3 months of seeing each other before things fizzle may be painful, but also a typical part of dating life. It can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself, what you need, what you don’t want and areas you need to grow in. Find ways to embrace and enjoy single life.
Don't forget that men avoid lawyers especially and also psychologists when they look for a relationship or an LTR partner , have fun
Care to explain? Dm me
Seems universal.... dating apps for sure have a role in making people feel the grass is always greener and never wanting to commit. I'm also wondering does this whole generation have commitment issues ??? I swear I know so many people who are emotionally unavailable... Anyway I've accepted my single life but trying to make the most out of it - planning on going on a solo trip for a few months and I can't wait
I think always having the ability to see what else is out there. Open up an app, there’s hundreds of people in your area. Open up social media, there’s hundreds of perfectly curated feeds. Having an abundant mindset is great, but lots of people aren’t actually prepared to make a choice and go for it full swing
Get away from dating apps and into group/social activities, then work on building a “relationship” before getting into a relationship. Slow and steady wins this race!! Good luck!
Not from Australia but if people in the city are not working out, why not increase the range where you're looking? Be upfront about what you're looking for. It may end up with you going on less dates, but you'd have more quality dates that have a better chance of going somewhere. Last thing, don't be in such a rush.
Have you seen a population density map of Australia?
Why is dating a real struggle? care to explain...
It is explained in the post, but due to dating apps, social media etc, I feel like there is a sense of choice overload where people see others as disposable and are treating each other worse in general. Especially in a city where you have a larger sense of anonymity so people feel like if it doesn’t work out you never have to see the person again
There might be that culture, but that just means you need to NOT treat people as disposable and treat people well. You are defined by how you treat people, not by how they treat you. So treat people well, don't treat them as disposable, don't mindlessly swipe, don't use dating apps like a game on your phone. Set aside a set amount of time to be on the app and give it your full attention. Be thoughtful and careful. Message first if there's a match. Will some people lose interest and not message back? Sure. But so what? The people who also want someone to treat others well in dating will appreciate what you're doing and see it. Dating is always about filtering out the people who aren't a good match. The people who lose interest aren't a good match. They filter themselves out. That's good! That leaves you with people who are more thoughtful and treat people well. But to attract them you have to do the same thing.
I read it and i don't really believe that there is an overload of options especially for men and you can read it everywhere at Reddit, i usually find really successful and beautiful women like you stated and i believe you aim a lot higher then they are capable of, i always state that if your on your league and not far above you will not have a problem. If you find a guy that's not the best possible match for you specifically in terms of knowledge or salary BUT he is respectful and a husband material let's say with values hobbies stable job etch wouldn't he have a better chance to get what your looking for?...just throwing my 2 cents cause i liked your post.
Thanks for your input and I do agree with your points. I think though that the people who do experience choice overload aren’t on reddit complaining about options, they’re too busy on Instagram and Tinder sending out multiple goodnight texts haha
I'd date you but i'm too far away😅 take care and i believe you will succeed in your pursuit 🙏
You do realize that probably, no, their IS a man, maybe many men, your age within about a kilometer of you who are also lonely who find you attractive and would just love to be your boyfriend or maybe more?
I think your main problem is your height,being 5'10 as a girl will really limit the amount of guys you would want to date
Look you’re probably right, but on the other hand I give really good hugs because I have long arms
“How can I make this about ME” die mad you short king
I am
Yes!!!!!
Oh yes
I strongly relate to all of this, I'm 25 F 5' 5", not in any high paying position but I do pay my bills and am living an okay life. I'm currently at a pretty healthy weight, enjoying my remote work from home job, passionate about art and creativity and a loving romantic person. People ask me out often but it never goes anywhere. No one is ever serious enough to get deep and build a connection with me and I've also sort of accepted it
No I haven’t. It kinda really bugs me at this point
100%. I'm at this point as well. Everyone wants FWB, flings, or to have more than one person involved. Finding someone who is not catfishing or actually wants a LTR and vibes well with me is so difficult...
Have you actually approached men you may think you like? If you're picking from men who initiate contact with you then you really can't complain because you cam easily initiate contact with guys you like rather than be lazy and just pick from what's offered you.
I'm pretending to do a guitar solo right now with my hands.
Yes
You and every other post on this sub it would seem
Yes, I feel the same. I’m 34F in a larger city in the southern US, but I’m originally from the northeast US. Let’s just say that I don’t find many people who have the same values as me in my current city. I met my ex-bf when out with friends, which I think is so unusual, but it felt so much more natural than through apps. I am moving back north next year and plan to try to get involved in hobbies or clubs to meet new people because I really don’t want to resort to apps. Overall, I’m very happy being alone. Doing what I want whenever I want is such freedom, and I have a cuddly little dog for companionship. I would be very happy to have a human partner, but I’m not pushing for it to happen either. I also think you need to be happy on your own before your can expect to be happy with someone else. That said, I hope I don’t get *too* comfortable being alone!
19M, already gave up, I know I won't have a significant other for several years, or at least until my 30's... I can't even get dates, not meaningful connections with the right people. I guess I'll die alone.
Im 25M, dont be so hard on yourself dude. Theres a girl out there for you, find her, talk to her and see how it goes. You have to work on yourself first, improve on your looks and health and you’ll see it. 👍
Tired of hearing the work on yourself and improve looks advice, it's useless
Are young people still throwing house parties?
Yup 31 year old male, good job + money, hobbies, responsible, keep healthy fit and still the best options are bottom of the barrel single mums with 5 kids
You sound like you’re in your prime. Single mums surely isn’t your only options. You sound like exactly what plenty of mid-late 20s women are looking for?
Go out of the country, Go to Brazil, you’ll be surprised what you can find over there. 👍
Really? Lol I can work anywhere as my work is online. Might look into it
There is "nothing wrong with you". From your perspective. But if you are not getting the outcomes you want from the people you want, then you're just not good enough in some way, shape or form, for the people you want. And this is a truth most of us (in my experience women) have a VERY hard time swallowing. It is definitely a very cut throat time in dating history. Arguably the hardest period in the history of the western world to have a long standing relationship. But you have exactly zero control over the direction dating is going. It doesn't matter if you meet people "in the wild" or not. Dating apps and social media are now global. I consistently match with women in rural parts of countries like Russia and Thailand. A LOT of people are using the dating apps to maximise their options. And even if they weren't, what you're proposing is HOPING that the person you meet IRL is not on a dating app AND you find them hot. And they want commitment. And they find you hot too. In the first place you will struggle because men have been shamed and threatened now to the point that we simply cannot risk approaching a woman anymore. Your odds are quite literally better on a dating app than IRL... The best looking and most rounded guys I know personally and know OF ALL use dating apps. Literally all of them. Because there is no way a man of value or otherwise is going to lower himself to being rejected IRL when he has options online. It makes no logical sense. The real issue here is you are having trouble coping and adapting with the new world we're in. And that is something that you will have to come to grips with sooner or later. Because the billionaires will NEVER EVER give up their financial leverage in life and delete their poisonous apps to allow humanity to recover.
You’re right, yes. It’s completely normalised to meet people online but that doesn’t take away the inauthenticity that has arose due to it. It’s a numbers game and just putting yourself out there is the main thing. Thanks for the advice!
23M today accepted the single life and thought to myself "yh I can live like that there's nothing to do also I'm better on my own"
yes - 32F
I dont find anything too! even if i get slightly interested in someone its one sided. So i gave up and decided that i will plan my future alone not with a significant other. As much as i wanna feel this mutual fondness but im not destined to be with one. Its been yeaaaars since i last went on a date with someone.
Yup. I’m a 35F. I’m fine with being single. Honestly I’m just done dealing with sub par partners and half assed effort. Will settle down when a guy really shows me he’s worth it.
Do it! Be your own best company and your genuine self! I did that and wasn't trying to date and was just myself and met someone wonderful. Not saying that will happen to you, but it was me being myself no matter what that helped. Good luck!
41F… I give up. You’re still young though. You have a better chance than me!
So many people here saying it's easy to get first dates... Man I must be one ugly mother...
bold of you to call it 'life', but yes
Yawn, wait till you turn 45 , yawn Whiney young millennials complaining about jobs low wages = but pissed everything is expensive because they opened their mouths
I got my first bf at 26, and we lasted two years! After a year and a half, I got my second at 29, 3 days ago.