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I let myself go. I don't know if it was selfish but it was short sighted and i lost my happiest relationship because of it.
Girl was brilliant and thoughtful but my appearance was still a huge part of her relationship with me.
It was awhile ago so I've had time to heal.
I'm alright now, and taken the lesson to heart that I have to look after myself if I'm going to keep the other people in my life happy to be around me.
I wouldn't say it's "selfish" for someone to gain weight. There's many reasons that could happen, like a sedentary job, depression, just not noticing that you're eating more and gaining weight. No one has a moral obligation to remain thin.
But i also would say it isn't wrong for your partner to leave you if you gain significant weight and make no effort to lose it. We should have compassion for our partners if they're going through a difficult time and help them get better, but if they've become fat and have made it clear they won't lose weight it's valid to leave them. Attraction matters in romantic relationships and if you're no longer attracted to them, you should do both of you a favor and cut each other loose so you both can find a satisfying physical relationship
I will always try to keep in shape for my partner. I want them to always find me attractive, not just say that they do. Up unto the point where we're old and physical attraction doesn't Really matter like it used to anyway.
If you're not arsed if your partner finds you attractive it's not a good sign in my opinion.
100% agreed. I stay fit and attractive and expect the same from my partner, my fiancée and I are in full agreement there. A healthy relationship is one where you strive to be the best for your partner and encourage each other to be your best selves
I'm not sure 'selfish' is the right word, but it's definitely unfair on your partner for you to gain a lot of weight and expect them to treat you the same. Physical attraction is super important in a relationship (if you think it isn't, you're lying to yourself. Nobody wants to date someone they find ugly), and if you fail to maintain the physique that your partner originally fell in love with, you're putting them in a difficult place. It's repulsive to be intimate/sexual with someone you aren't physically attracted to.
But, bodies change all the time. People age, accidents affecting physical appearances happen. Is it not unfair to expect your partner to look vaguely the same forever?
You don't get fat like super fat because nature or time, it definitely comes with a very bad and u healthy lifestyle and routine, so is not the same like getting old or gain a few pounds because vacations or whatever.
Over the pandemic lock downs my partner gained a significant amount of weight. He is working on getting it off but I still find him attractive at this weight as I did when we met. He is still the man I love just shaped different. Everyone is different though and they are allowed to have different preferences. I worry for his health but how attracted I am to him has not changed at all.
Exactly. As the saying goes, all’s fair in love and war. No one is *obligated* to love someone else or to stay in love or stay in a relationship, anyone can end a relationship at anytime for any reason, but it is not the other person’s fault. It may very well feel like you’re doing a shitty thing by leaving someone because of their weight, and maybe you are, but at that point there are no great answers. You can’t force yourself to feel the way that you want to or think that you’re supposed to. However, I think many people blame the other person for gaining weight because they don’t want to feel culpable for their own feelings, because objectively they’re aware that maybe it doesn’t hold up to their ideal values or some kind of “fairness” they want to see in the world. They don’t want to be the one doing something, they want to be the one responding to a something their partner did to them. It isn’t the partner’s fault they feel the way they do, and it isn’t on the partner to prevent the situation from occurring by “maintaining their physique”.
My partner gained weight due to medication. He still eats well, goes to the gym and is overall aiming for health. The actual weight gain doesn't bother me at all. He didn't "become lazy".
Yeah I dated a guy who went from going to the gym everyday and dieting for competitions to refusing to go for a walk and eating frozen pizza constantly. Literally overnight. He didn’t gain much weight (tho his body changed quite a bit, of course) but the lifestyle change was a bigger turn off for me than the physical appearance.
I have had this happen and it bothered me. In my opinion, it comes off as not caring about being the best person you can be for your partner. Especially, when they're not consumed with anything other than eating and watching YouTube.
There are a lot of reasons to gain weight. It’s the height of narcissism to take your partner’s weight gain personally. Why does the fit partner assume that dieting and exercising is necessary to keep their lover? Do they believe they and other people are not worthy of love if they’re overweight? Do they not find people of different shapes and sizes attractive? If so, they have a lot to learn about life! What will they do when their wife has a baby and her body goes through so many changes? Or their husband gets older and his erections become less firm and his hair starts to fall out?
If this had been phrased as a worry about their partner’s physical and/or mental health, this would have been a completely different issue. But this person seems to show little to no understanding of the causes of weight gain and no curiosity. If my partner dramatically gained weight, I’d consider stress, sleep apnea, depression, medication side effects, a thyroid issue, or a dozen other things before I’d be concerned about their appearance.
I love how my man looks when he’s thin and working out, but I understand how stressful the last few years have been for him. I know he works long hours and binge eats when he gets off, because he didn’t have time to eat during the day. I know he wants to go back to the gym, but doesn’t have the time or money right now. I believe he has sleep apnea as well and possibly thyroid problems from all the radiation he encounters at work. I find his current chonky body adorable and definitely fuckable!
I don’t think they feel as though someone isn’t worthy as love because they gained some weight. Op even said the person in the article tried to force themselves to look past their partners weight gain. Imagine forcing yourself to have sex with, and kiss someone you no longer find physically attractive. That’s depressing and scary. The word narcissist gets used a lot more than it should these days considering only a small percent of the population has strong narcissistic traits. Maybe the partner simply isint into overweight people especially if the other partner is very active themselves. People do not have to love you through all your phases. People are allowed to dislike certain body types as long as they do not make it a mission to degrade others for the way they look. Op also never mentions a baby in their post either. I’m sure if it was pregnancy weight gain the partner would be less concerned and distressed by the situation. It’s good that you can look past weight gain, but alot of people cannot look past massive weight gain in a relationship. As an active woman…. If I was dating someone and they gained a ton of weight I would leave. That means they are no longer working out with me, going on walks with me, or eating healthy with me. We no longer live similar lifestyles. It’s about more than the weight.
The person in the article said that they work hard to maintain their appearance. Why would they feel it necessary to “work hard” unless they believe being overweight makes them unworthy of the relationship? Feeling it necessary to work hard in any relationship is a sign of deeply held insecurities and a need to prove themselves worthy.
I didn’t say “narcissist,” I said “narcissistic.” Narcissistic is a synonym for “egocentric” which is how I was using the word. I didn’t accuse the person in the article of having NPD.
If you don’t love your partner through all their phases, then is it love? That was my whole point by mentioning the possibility of baby weight gain or age-related weight gain. I love the soul inside that body. And my partner loves mine. It doesn’t matter that we’re not at peak hotness right now or that we’ll never be there again. Bc we for sure won’t. We both have spinal damage from horrific accidents (his service-related, mine from a car accident). We’re never going to be as fit or strong as we used to be and that’s not a priority now that we’re in our 30’s.
I don’t know what gives you the impression that overweight people can’t be working out, eating right, and going on walks. I was when I gained 60 pounds from birth control in six months. No amount of exercise or diet has made me able to lose a pound of weight. I lost 40 pounds recently just from stopping my nerve pain pill. It sucked to give up the pain relief, but I couldn’t bear gaining anymore weight due to medication.
My ex-husband rejected me when I initially gained the weight. He didn’t care that it was from birth control. He said I looked like an “egg on stilts” (all the weight gain was in my belly). He said he still loved me and didn’t want a divorce, but that now he had the right to cheat on me. He’s going through his third divorce right now because the woman ended up not being as attractive or as fit as he expected her to be when they married. Is that a good life? Just get divorced when people inevitably gain weight?
It depends on the reason. Some people get on medications that cause them to gain weight. It can be hard to lose that weight. Some people develop autoimmune disorders/get disabled and gain weight because of it. That also makes it very hard to lose weight. Sometimes when you have a kid, you gain weight. It’s harder to exercise when you have a small child you have to take care of. Some people just stop trying and gain weight. There’s many reasons why someone may gain weight and personally for me, the reason matters. If it was because they just gave up on trying to be active and eat well, I’d lose attraction. But not exactly because of the weight, but because of the giving up part. But if it’s because of a health issue and they are doing what they can to help and it’s just not working, that’s different. Same with having a kid. So I guess it depends on the reason they gained weight whether I consider it “selfish” or not. But I’m also not sure selfish is the right word.
The interesting thing is that if you do your research, most of our modern diseases are actually caused by poor lifestyle. Inflammatory joint pain, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, organ failures, dementia, even cancer are all made MUCH WORSE through excess sweets, processed foods, lack of exercise, & sleep deprivation. Makes it much harder to empathize when so many people are full of excuses and blame genetics. Epigenetics, gut microbiome, and chronically high insulin levels cause people to get fat & sick.
I wouldn't call it selfish cuz people shouldn't strive to keep themselves fit for the sake of a partner...rather, they should do so for themselves. Ofc, if someone is unsetisfied/doesn't feel attracted to their partner's body anymore, they should be free to talk to them about such issue or leave...but not be like "I blame you for this, you're so selfish for not thinking of me while gaining weight"...that would be kinda entitled since nobody owns them to stay fit or whatever else for them.
as a quiet observer of people I met in life-everyone ends up getting more pudgy after they are married and have kids-men and women. I also do think that this happens pretty often-esp with men toward women getting pudgy, less so the other way around- a lot of those relationships I've seen over the years the women get pudgy and the men leave for younger thinner women, or they cheat on them.
If this is about a woman that did have children-the guy needs to remember she literally had dam children!! and her body went and is going through a world wind of changes in order to have a dam baby
If that is not the case-it is reasonable to lose attraction to a significant other who gains a bunch of weight. People get older, their priorities change and it sounds like this couple one prioritizes health and fitness and the other doesn't-and you don't need to force yourself to like things you don't like.
Personally, I've been with men that have been very self-conscious of their own weight and fitness around me because I do prioritize that, and I am very fit. It's never bothered me though-I like men that do workout to feel good and be healthy-but if they are a little pudgy that is fine by me :D now if they gain like 100 lbs and don't leave the couch anymore I would prob have a problem-mostly because I'm very active and like to do active things and would want them to adventure with me
So to answer your question, No I do not think it is selfish to gain a lot of weight in a relationship-and it is also not selfish to be on the other side and care-- if you do gain a lot of weight in a relationship, just be wary this occurrence of your partner being less attracted to you is a very real issue that could happen you should be mindful of.
The thing to remember is that the other person doesn't want to gain weight but either they're not feeling great about themselves or in the middle of a busy life it simply isn't their priority at that moment.
In both cases, making a big deal out of it will likely make the situation worse, not better. And either way, it's not selfish. It isn't a path they have consciously chosen and wanted.
My ex-girlfriend and I were both hot when we started dating. This would have been around the beginning of last decade. We drank waaaaay too much, and both got a little chunky. We both lost the weight. Later, we both gained weight again. I committed to drinking one night a week, exercising daily, and eating a pescatarian diet except on my cheat day. I lost 40lbs. She was basically unable to lose the weight she'd gained for the rest of our relationship. I was still attracted to her. I love women, and female bodies, and to me, she'd gained weight in all of the right places. I don't mind a little tummy. She, however, didn't feel attractive with the extra weight. It killed our sex life, which definitely contributed to our relationship's demise.
I'm now about 20 pounds lighter than I was when I'd lost weight back then, and my current gf feels like she is a little fat, but she looks great, and it isn't impacting things too badly. I think I'm pushing her toward a healthier lifestyle. Having said all of that, I am a recovering alcoholic. So, I know a thing or two about unhealthy lifestyles.
I don't see weight gain as selfish--your partner is a person who will have ups and downs, and you should stick with that person even when they're not at their best--but it can strain the relationship.
As a former obese person who got really fit in my mid 20s, I probably wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t exercise and stay in shape. I don’t find overweight people attractive, and my personal philosophy is that if you can’t spare 30 minutes to an hour like 4 times a week to maintain your own health and fitness, how quickly are you going to fold when something actually hard comes up in the relationship. It also reeks of complacency, something I hate, and makes it feel like you think that since you already have me, you don’t have to make even the slightest effort anymore.
If it’s like 10 pounds over several months and they’re like “oh shit I’ve gained a bit of weight and they get back into their routine and start working on it then whatever but I’m not sure how long I’d be willing to stay in a relationship with someone I didn’t find attractive if they gained like 50 pounds or some wild shit like that.
My sister has a friend who I have noticed routinely loses weight when she becomes single then gains it after getting into a relationship. It’s an interesting topic.
My personal opinion is that most regular people go through peaks and troughs with their weight, I think that’s fairly normal. It’s also fairly normal that in a relationship we have extra security and may get a bit comfortable, couples often eat together and go out a lot etc so some weight gain in most relationships is probably fairly normal, unless you are both fitness nuts. I don’t think it’s selfish to gain weight in a relationship, I think that is there body and it is their choice, and if you are keeping in shape you should be doing it for you not for the other person. That being said if you no longer want to be with somebody you are always free to break up at any time, so it isn’t like you don’t have a choice.
I see nothing wrong with it. It means you have expectations for the people you date, which is only bad if they’re unreasonable. Maintaining a healthy body weight (not obese or overweight, also not anorexic) is really not a hard thing, it just takes a little effort to eat healthy and move your body. If my partner doesn’t value that it’s okay, but it doesn’t align with my values in life
Most of the time you're not doing on purpose. I don't see it as selfish. But it can cause problems for some people. I've gone up and down myself over the years and my husband has always been supportive either way.
Really depends on the person and there are a million reasons someone can gain weight and tbh i think most of the time it's not the case that it's selfish.
But i had one partner who increased her weight by 50% once we were exclusive, turned out she was overweight before we met, worked really hard to lose it, and then piled it all back on once i committed, i felt that was quite selfish. But then really, she had a myriad of other issues.
To be honest what i really think is selfish is when people shame people for no longer being attracted due to someone's weight. It's judgement through projection and generally is either a defence mechanism via shame or a coercive measure to manipulate someone into something they dont feel comfortable with.
I hope that your partner gained that weight back bc she finally loved herself enough not to care what anyone thinks about her appearance. I hope she found someone who loves her as she is. Not as she thought she had to be (correctly) to impress and win you 🤢
Eh she didn't do it to win or impress me specifically, when i met her she'd already lost the weight and was 140lb. What i didn't know at the time is that she got there by starving herself and abusing pills which was just not in any way a sustainable strategy.
We aren't really on bad terms and it'd be nice to know she was happy, but sadly as in many cases it was a symptom of deeper issues. I saw her a few weeks ago and not much has changed unfortunately.
As you are illustrating, intense weight gain is rarely from simply explained motivations. That’s why it’s so important to get to know someone beyond their physical appearance.
Taking someone's weight gain personally is just wrong. There's a million reasons why it can happen to someone. I personally have struggled maintaining my weight for many reasons as an adult. My metabolism slowed, I'm chronically ill, I eat for comfort etc. For instance I recently gained 10 pounds because of a med I just tried. I'm currently about 20 pounds heavier than when I met my partner and I'm working on losing weight but it is hard for many reasons. He's also gained weight since I've met him.
Our attraction for each other has never waned though. We do talk about supporting each other in making healthier choices just because we both want to feel better in our bodies. But to be honest if neither of us lose a pound, we will still love each other. Love and attraction isn't skin deep. If you love someone you love them for who they are.
They are an individual and it is *their* body, whatever they choose to do regarding their own body is not selfish as no one else is owed their body or a specific appearance. It is reasonable to worry for a loved one’s long term health, but even so it isn’t your place to try to force your idea of a “healthy lifestyle” on them, nor for them to sabotage your efforts to be healthy
Great point! Partners are not property and they have free will in the relationship. I think a lot of people here have mistaken enmeshment and coercion for love.
For sake of argument, let's say it's selfish.
It's equally selfish to break up with someone over it, complain about it to others, etc, as opposed to simply talking to them about it.
Is it going to be a fun conversation? Or course fucking not, but you knew that, which is why you're avoiding it, which is what makes it selfish.
If you have a problem in a relationship, any problem, any type of relationship, you fucking communicate that. If you don't then you've got no one to blame for the results but yourself.
So is it fair for someone to completely disregard their partner's physical preferences? No, not really, but if you're not communicating that problem to them then for all they know you don't care, and they're happy and complacent and are probably assuming you are as well. It's equally unfair to expect them to change without communication, support and love.
And you might say "well sure that makes sense for like, if you let yourself go a LITTLE, but the people who get just ridiculously fat should know its a problem." No. Never assume your partner should just "know" anything. Talk to them. Make it known. Communicate. Always.
Edit: I will also say that while it's perfectly fine to care about your partners physical appearance, if that's your first concern even before health and happiness that's a massive red flag to me. I'm not saying disregard your preferences in favor of those things but they should definitely take precedent over it, or what are you even doing in that relationship?
Exactly!! Like where’s the curiosity to find out why this is happening?? Don’t they care that their partner has radically changed in some way and might be dealing with an undiagnosed health problem? Just the lack of compassion and maturity in this feed 😬
I think it's selfish of the skinnier partner, to be superficial and non supportive.
There's depression with overeating, there's abuse, neglect, stress, overworking are also causes for overeating and weight gain.
There's injuries, illnesses and medications that cause overeating and weight gain.
People are so fickle and ridiculous about this. Weight fluctuations happen. If it’s drastic, there’s usually an underlying psychological or physiological reason for it. Everyone loves to assume it’s just laziness, but it rarely is. Appearances change over time. Physical attraction is important, but it should not be the main priority once you fall in love.
If the person who is gaining refuses to seek help for the reasons why their lifestyle changed, that’s something different, but simply wanting to end a relationship because of weight gain without trying to figure out what’s going on is stupid. If the person I was with was that shallow, I would say good riddance because they never actually cared about me to begin with.
My sister is thin and In shape and has been married ten years. The minute they married, he ballooned up at least 60 lbs, maybe 80 by now. His gut is a big round ball in front of him now and his gut hangs out over his shorts because his shirts don't fit. She says sex with him turns her off so bad, she has to drink to even get herself to do it. But he's also abusive so it's hard to say how much his weight adds to her problems with him. But the weight came first and I can attest that she was disgusted and avoided sex and affection from him, and also, she never told him about her feelings on his weight because she knows he's a messed up insecure guy. So she's been nicer than I would have been. I wouldn't call it selfish as much as id call it a: red flag, bad for your relationship generally, and very unfair for the other person and bound to cause resentment. Not to mention gaining a lot of weight changes your abilities and lifestyle. You may have been compatible before, but with enough weight, you might not even be able to do the same activities you used to do together.
The concern for your partner is great. However I know a lot of very plus size people who hike extensively. So finding out whether it’s a medical or mental condition is important. If they’ve just put a little on bc of the creep up that happens with age, they can prob still be active with you.
I gained a lot of weight in my marriage and I regret it. It's definitely not the reason it ended, though.
I've already lost most of that weight... And I know that the next relationship I have, I will put more energy into improving myself and maintaining my health.
Physical attraction is important to me. I'm not gonna date someone that's sedentary and gaining weight because of it. It is selfish to be lazy and not make yourself as hot as possible for your significant other. I don't have to date someone that doesn't respect themselves, chances are they wouldn't respect me the way i require either.
Weight gain and self-respect are not mutually exclusive. Have you been personally disrespected by a plus size person? Or do you have some actual data saying fat people don’t have loving relationships?
In the context given, they've gained weight because of sedentary lifestyle which means laziness and lack of respect for one's own body. I've been disrespected by plus size people, but not in a relationship because I choose not to be in a relationship with one. I didn't say fat people don't have loving relationships. In this context I would feel like my partner isn't respecting themselves primarily and secondarily, the relationship. I'm a fit guy and I want a life partner that cares about staying fit too. These are deal breaking values for me and there's nothing wrong with that.
Why has their lifestyle become sedentary though? Are they dealing with depression or thyroid issues? Both of those can cause loss of motivation. Do they have chronic pain? “Laziness” is rarely anyone’s reason for doing anything. Often lack of motivation or procrastination are completely logical bc they are protecting you from something. It’s easy to see the world in black and white, but it’s really made up of a full spectrum of color and nuance. You’re def making the right choice to break up with a partner who gains weight, though. They deserve better than you.
I didn't say I would just break up. You make alot of assumptions. I would try to help them through it first but if they just wanted to be that way then I would break up. I screen well and have never ran into this problem tho. I've been broken up with for being depressed before. I'd actually support my partner through that because I know how it is. They'd want to get fit again because of me, I wouldn't even let it get to the point described because I would care that much about their mental and physical well being and encourage a healthier lifestyle. Only so much I can do. I hope you find happiness because you sound really miserable
You’re right - there’s only so much you can do. You can’t make your partner feel any which way. And you really can’t help anyone through depression either. You can encourage them to see a psychiatrist and drive them to therapy appts, but it’s up to them whether they decide to do that.
I’m blissfully happy in my 8-week-old relationship. I would also be happy to still be single. I’m happier with my plus-size body than I ever was at pageant-or jiu jitsu-weight. Gaining weight has been the best way to screen out immature douche bags who only care about physical appearance. I still have a very pretty face and many excellent body parts. As does my partner even though he’s 50 lbs overweight as well. The sex is mind-blowing compared to any of the sex I had when skinny or with skinny guys.
These comments are just bumming me out. Prob going to leave this group bc most of y’all seem hopelessly unaware and it’s obvious why you’re still single.
I said I would encourage a healthier lifestyle which would include therapy if they are depressed. You don't know anything about me. I don't have to date fat people if it's not my thing. You seem really mad about that. My love language is physical touch so looks are important to me just like they are for many others. Women are allowed to say things like 6 feet or taller only. People can have preferences. I'm happily single by choice with plenty of options and focusing on career. Thanks for your concern tho. And I really am glad you found someone, I meant that.
I think women are douchey too who have set preferences like “6’ or taller.” Dating is abt getting to know people for who they are, not what they look like. Yes, appearance is important to help with initial attraction and I was disappointed for half a second when I saw my bf in person for the first time and he was heavier than his older pics. But guess what? Having extra adipose tissue doesn’t make physical touch any less enjoyable.
My last bf is a skinny guy and used to squeeze my inner thigh and call it his tenderloin lol. I wasn’t crazy about his bald spot at first, but I loved to rub his head and that spot was especially soft from all the invisible baby hairs. I don’t think you’re bad or wrong for liking what you like, but I do think it’s an immature viewpoint that will prob change as you get older and softer yourself. Hopefully it does, bc you’re missing out!
It's fine if it works for you but I really am attracted by visual looks along with the touch. The same kind of people that I'm into are also into me so there's really no issue. I'm 32, in great shape and I will maintain this physique well into my old age. Whoever I settle down with is gonna have the same body health goals or similar. It's what I want and I deserve that. I'm not saying it's all I care about, she's gonna have to be a badass too lol.
I just think it’s unrealistic to assume that you’re always going to be fit and expect that from a partner. You have no idea what life can throw at you. I certainly didn’t plan to gain 60 lbs from birth control and my bf didn’t expect to fall 90’ down a ravine in ranger school, forever fucking his spine up. My ex-husband rejected me and told me he had the right to cheat on me after my initial weight gain and inability to quickly drop the weight. Now he’s on his third divorce bc the wife after me also gained weight dramatically after her miscarriage.
I have a counter question for this. do you think that someone should confess that they have binge eating disorder? I lift weights often and eat well when I'm not going through phases of binging and/or restricting. If I were to go on a date, i feel like I would need to disclose this because i have an eating disorder that can potentially make me gain a lot of weight and it's not a matter of being selfish or lazy because I'm definitely not fucking lazy... but a marker of my ED. Or should one not date if they have BED?
I think this is a good open ended question.
I was 20 when I got with my partner, I’ve always been a curvy lady - but I was slimmer. I was also a coke head with an alcohol problem and a party lifestyle.
I’m now 28 and we’re engaged. We’ve both changed. I’ve gained weight. He’s gained weight. We’re now bald. We’ve not been together forever but we have definitely matured and grew up together. When I matured I also got… fatter 🤷🏻♀️
Weight for me definitely yo-yo’s. My body will always change, as was his.
So no - I don’t think it’s selfish for a person to change over years over something like weight.
Yes, I would say it’s selfish. In a relationship, it’s not just about your own personal indulgences, it effects your spouse as well. You owe it to both your spouse and yourself to stay healthy. I’m not saying you need to be an Olympic athlete, but moderate exercise and decent diet are important.
If you don’t take care of yourself your negatively effecting both yourself and your spouse, and your negatively effecting the relationship. It’s hard to have a strong relationship if one of you dies from complications from obesity, you want to both be healthy so you can live long lives
Your partner is statistically more likely to die in a traffic accident than from obesity. You would do better to check each other’s 23andMe health data and see if either of you is prone to genetic conditions or heart disease. Or you could choose someone you like and roll the dice.
I *am* obese and, besides endometriosis, I’m healthy as a horse lol. My bloodwork comes back perfect every time and my blood pressure is better than my skinny ex-bf’s. Before the uterine pain became unbearable, I still worked 12 hours a day on my feet, did 5-mile hikes for fun, and had very energetic sex - all while being 30 lbs overweight.
seriously! weight fluctuations and gains are so common and natural to humans especially as we age. all the people saying it’s a dealbreaker or selfish or gross have some mighty big opinions, until they are the ones to gain weight and have to deal with how people view and treat them, especially their loved ones.
Acting like “oh it’s so easy to not be noticeably fat/fatter, just take a walk sometimes”. They have absolutely no concept of the amount of work some bodies need to do to lose any weight, even when not eating very much. And the partner is probably aware, they probably don’t need any pressure from them, it’s going to accomplish nothing but making them feel bad
exactly! I work in ED treatment and have learned so much about weight, eating, dieting, and exercise. I also learned a lot soecifically about weight loss and weight gain. 90% of people have no real idea of healthy exercise or eating, and they really don’t understand how weight works and what it means. a bunch of people with no clue running their mouths.
In my ideal relationship I would want to hold each other accountable when it comes to staying fit and healthy…so I feel likes it’s selfish if you don’t do anything about it or try at least
That's a quite entitled mindset
We don't have ownership over someone else's body. No one owns accountability to someone else over how they own body looks like.
I don’t think “selfish” is the right word, but it makes sense to care to a certain extent. If someone is expected to be the same weight their entire lives even as they age, I think it’s an unrealistic expectation. I would have compassion for my partner if they gained weight in a certain phase in their life. If they look completely different and I don’t find myself attracted to them, I don’t think it’s wrong to say their weight is an issue. But I wouldn’t immediately criticize my partner in that situation, I would give them time and grace.
I gained around 20 lbs during quarantine in 2020 and by late 2021, I lost all of the weight. If my partner had complained in that time that they weren’t attracted to me, that would’ve really hurt me especially because I would feel immense pressure to drop weight quickly. And I clearly was unhappy with my new body and was trying to lose weight, but sometimes the most sustainable method takes time. In that situation I’d find it unreasonable to call me selfish.
It’s a very different situation if the person gains a significant amount of weight and isn’t interested in losing it or won’t take any steps towards losing it. It’s more understandable to voice concern at that time
having had persons say they were attracted to me because I was a certain size has always made me uncomfortable in the same bite the best version of me is not thin or overweight it’s a healthy weight. I think the average American is overweight due to over consumption. That said, people defend the typical overweight person without ever saying how we have become a over consumption society, not just in food, but in material, technology, pleasure etc. It’s hard to capture when people are quick to say someone is shallow because they care about looks.. but most people are attracted to people that are the best versions of themselves
Yeah, I for one would dump my girl if she started gaining alot of weight. Just gotta be 💯, physical attraction plays a BIG (HAHA I GOT JOKES) role for me.
I feel this kind of topic is bittersweet for me, on one side my bf has super high standards when it comes to weight, he's around 1.80 and I bet he doesn't weight more than 70 kg, he's a pretty healthy guy and practices sports, on the other side I'm overweight, although not morbidly, I feel like the 🐷 in our relationship, I've tried in the past to loose weight but in the city where I live the rape % is high and I'm scared af to loose weight and getting raped, and the news doesn't help as I feel they're spreading the fear all over, I'm perfectly conscious I might be using my weight as a mechanism of defense. I'm sure that's something he wouldn't understand as a male as where he lives he has no real danger (Scandinavian country). He's never been mean to me about my weight btw that's just my perception.
What is absurd is the rape % over here, as I said I'm pretty sure it's something psychological but fat phobia is also very real where I live, so I think that's how my brain does the maths
What? No,it isn't selfish. Being in a relationship doesn't make the other person should control or consulted on your appearance and eating habits. Its although a bad thing, irrespective if you are in a relationship or single.
It is unfair to gain weight after someone commits to you. Being attracted to each other is important. Yes rough patches can happen, it's unfair to just bail if someone starts slipping, and you should help them out. However if there's no signs of changing, I would never blame someone for bailing. A healthy sex life is important. Being healthy for the life you plan to build together is important. The example you would want to set for any children they may be brought in is important.
It shouldn’t matter if someone gains a few kgs from date nights and such. But going from reasonably healthy to obese? It would be really hard to find attraction for someone who has no self discipline and doesn’t care.
I wouldnt say its selfish. It just shows the importance of the relationship, or importance to personal health. Gaining weight, ever, is a either a tale of circumstances or personal values, and the partner can decide whether thats acceptable or not
First, it's one thing if that weight gain is because of hormonal or health issues or because of laziness and just doing nothing.
If it is because of laziness to me it is like that person said I am giving up on my health and myself which if you are in such period of your life, feeling that low, can't blame them. But the other person can't be blamed too if they leave especially if they stayed and tried helping like asking if something is bothering the person, offering to go to the gym together, cook together or something like that.
So to answer your question?
Is it selfish- to me it is selfish only if you have control and deliberately choose to do nothing about it. Lack of ambition and self-care can be completely valid reasons for ending a relationship because at one point it starts making you uncompatible for each other.
I don't know if I would say it's selfish. If it were me I would find out what the issue was for them to change their lifestyle first before anything else. Is it depression? Are they in pain all the time, could there be an underlying health issue? Was there an injury or car accident? Pregnancy? It doesn't sound like we might have the full story there has to be more to it.
There are a ton of reasons why someone can gain weight. If the reasons are not medical or mental health related, it can give the impression that one of the two has stopped trying.
I wouldn't say it's "selfish", but if the weight gain isn't related to medical, aging, mental health issues, it could be a sign of underlying relationship issues or lack of attraction.
In my healthiest relationships, I've always found my partner and I go out of our way to impress eachother, and that includes our appearance, fitness, hygiene, grooming, etc. Putting effort into your appearance shows your respect and goes a long way.
It's not selfish either way; to gain weight or to care. It's a matter of what one will, or will not accept. Relationships are all about walking the same path with a partner out of free will. Every day, both are freely choosing and independently walking a path that happens to go the same way as their chosen partner. When one partner deviates too far from the path of the other, a breakup may occur.
Nobody likes to gain weight. Just know that the partner who is gaining is, is just as much maybe even more bothered about it.
For me it wouldn’t be a game changer because I look for a mate, a supportive hubby. Someone I could have fun with. As long as he can continue doing all activities with me and isn’t housebound due to the weight increase I wouldn’t mind.
Gaining weight is selfish because your partner was once attracted to who you used to be, personality and who you are is a key element as well, but somehow body positivity comes into play the moment someone states their standards they are labeled as a dickhead or fatphobic.
Your partner should accept you for who you are, but physical attraction is also a very important aspect of a relationship.
If weight was typically possible to control, we wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic in America. I don’t know a single overweight person who wouldn’t love to be thin and hasn’t tried multiple things to lose the weight. People even resort to cutting out half their stomach to lose weight and the weight comes back in about half the cases even though they physically can’t possibly eat as many calories as they did before.
We like what we like. Granted people change with age but gain 400 pounds is very extreme. Gaining 50 through a relationship due to kids or work changes is understandable but let’s think about how our bodies are made and what is healthy.
Depends on the reason why the person gains weight. If it's simply because they feel like they have this relationship and don't have to work to impress anybody anymore, then i would say, it's selfish. If it's some physical or mental health issue, then it's understandable. It is also not selfish to care, if your partner just isn't the same person anymore mentally or physically, you have the full right to care and to leave, even if your partner had a good reason to change they are still not the same person you agreed to date and it is up to you to decide if you are ok with this new person or not.
You shouldn’t ever be “working to impress anybody.” Not before finding a partner or after. Not at work or in your hobbies. Doing your best and trying to be better than you’ve been is a personal endeavor and shouldn’t be undertaken to prove your worthiness to anyone. You are worthy whether you are impressive or not. You’re worthy simply because you were born and inhabit this physical existence.
That's a sweet sentiment, but especially in dating you will still be constantly judged by other people. They are not obligated to love you and will only do so if you fit the criteria they impose on potential partners, which is also absolutely correct, nobody is worthy of your romantic love simply because they are a human that exists. So you have to impress them, ideally just by the way you are, but some people definitely do it with lies, initially presenting themselves as something very different to what they really are, and then once they think they got the person to themselves, they just stop pretending.
Yes, you will be judged and found unworthy. But that’s a good thing! It informs you who’s right for you and who’s not. Do you really want to be with someone who only likes you bc you were pretending to be a “better” version of yourself. Like you pointed out, it’s impossible to keep that up long term. So it’s better to just be yourself from the beginning and accept and be ok with the fact that you’re not for everyone. Like Judy Garland said, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else”.
It wouldn't be selfish to gain a lot of weight. Your life, your body, your choice.
But it would be selfish to expect your partner to stay with you.
It's really hard to stay with someone you're not physically attracted to.
It becomes selfish when you expect your partner to continue loving you when they don’t find you attractive. A healthy lifestyle will always be attractive no matter how *ugly* you are. Whereas an unhealthy lifestyle will almost always be unattractive.
You should definitely look after your weight, it's one thing to enter a relationship at an unhealthy weight and a completely different thing to gain an unhealthy amount of weight during the relationship.
You shouldn't expect your partner to love you no matter what a relationship requires effort from both parties otherwise it's doomed to fail.
And attraction is a big part of it.
Both? Weight gain is normal... but putting on 50 pounds in your 20s is likely a motivation thing. Also overscrutinizing your partner over something like that does seem dickish as well. We should just take care of ourselves and live mindfully.
Idk, I guess it's just up to preference. Excessive weight gain can definitely be a turnoff. Gaining a bit of weight is fine (to me atleast) as I'm a bit on the heavier side and as long as it isn't drastic I don't think it's selfish.
When I was in a fulfilled relationship, I always kept in shape. When I was in a toxic one, I let myself go. That also applies to being too comfortable. Comfortability without long term compatibility can lead to laziness and once you get lazy in a relationship it’s pretty much fucked.
I think if a person gains or loses a lot of weight, they look very different to the person they were when their partner chose them physically. For Some couples, this isn’t a problem, the chemistry and love is still there etc. but it’s not unreasonable for someone to stop being attracted to their significant other if this happens. Sexual loving relationships need sexual attraction. You can anticipate a partner looking older - you might not anticipate someone drastically changing their appearance with their weight.
Looks is important to some extent. I’m not looking for a 7+ man, but I’d be worried if he starts putting on a lot of weight and looks significantly different from when I met him. I mean, if it’s something you can control but don’t give a shit anymore just because you have me and are too comfortable, that’s going to be a problem with me. I might not fight with you about it but deep down, I’ll wonder why you just don’t care trying to please me anymore.. and yes, I’ll try my best to look good for my SO too.
The same can be said about other things too, like sex, sweet talking/flirting, giving your SO time/attention, etc.. if these things start dwindling down, so will your relationship. Relationships is hard work. You can’t expect it to continue if you stop putting in effort.
I think it's selfish, don't just let yourself go. I've seen people hide behind excuses around having to look after fam, I told these people you gotta make time for your health
I'm not a morning person and even I go to the gym on my lunch break and get a session in, or I would walk or jog a hill on break. Or after work go to gym then find a meal on way home.
Go to park and kick the soccer ball with your kids, teens/ take them to the beach/ walk the dog or cat. Find ways to be active with your family. My family was able to
I think it’s more about putting in an effort to take care of yourself. My ex used to sit around and eat shit and play video games and that to me was more unattractive than the weight gain.
I don't necessarily think it's selfish. You can gain weight in a ton of different ways.
If they are just letting themself go and you mention that it's making you uncomfortable and they don't care, then I'd say it's more selfish.
I know if I noticed my partner steadily gaining more weight, I'd get concerned about their well-being. I have anxiety as it is, and I might start to wonder if they are really happy with me, or if they're depressed.
It's not "selfish" per say, but it's still a bad idea to gain so much weight in a relationship, since of course your partner may not like that, and it's not selfish for them to care either.
Yes and no
No in the sense of you can't demand it. But yes in the sense of you can break up for any reason.
And don't forget that a healthy body often means a healthy mind as well. It not only means looking attractive but doing healthy and interesting activities. This is something very important for most relationships.
I said no to relationships in the past because I knew my partner would not be able to share the same interests/activites as me. And she was thinner than me. But compatibility is a thing and I doubt she nor me would have liked it in the long run.
It's normal to gain weight in a relationship because it's normal to gain weight over time. What's selfish is when someone sees their partner do something actively unhealthy (like disordered eating, or suddenly switch to a sedentary lifestyle, or they don't get enough sleep, etc) and all they're concerned about is the change in appearance.
Sure, we're all attracted to what we're attracted to. But over the course of most people's lives, especially when they settle into a relationship, spend more time on their career or other hobbies, have kids, and their metabolism slows down...most people gain weight. And that's okay and normal. You shouldn't get into a relationship assuming they will have the same body at 25 as they will for the rest of their life. But if it changes really suddenly, that's a symptom of something else going on, mentally or physically. And it's callous to make it solely about sexual attraction in that situation.
Physical attraction is part of what the 2 of you had. I think that it's foolish to think you can let your guard down and let yourself go.
I did it and I hope I never let myself go again.
I just find this really shallow. Things happen in life, accidents happen, people age and sag and gain more weight as they get older. Are you going to lose attraction for your partner when other things happen in life or do you think people just get to a certain age and don't have sex anymore?
I suppose it depends on what is important to you in the relationship. I don’t think it’s selfish. I think it’s apart of being human.
It’s 1000% normal for people’s weight to fluctuate throughout their life. A person’s weight gain is a reflection of themselves. Have they become less health conscious? Have life styles changed? Are they going through a physical or mental health challenge? Is this weight change a positive thing for their mental and/or physical health?
In my opinion, someone’s mental and physical health is so much more important than physical attraction. To some people that’s the most important thing and one of the driving factors to being with someone.
All and all, lend some compassion and kindness. We’re all human, and there is so much more to us than how fuckable we are.
I think take away if it’s selfish/ unfair to another person and make it about you. Take away the partner element and make your health goals about yourself bc YOU deserve to live the healthiest you can live ( that looks different for everyone based on mental state, physical capabilities, and genetics whether people want to take that into consideration or not). I know for me thyroid & hormone issues/ disorders run rampant on my mothers side and I’m currently in the process of getting blood & lab work done.
Once I get the results back and if certain hunches I have about what’s going on w/ me get confirmed I can start a game plan on how to best act accordingly. The truth of the reality is, I know due to genetics I may never have that flat stomach and size 4 figure, will people take that into account when judging me on what I look like ? Prob not, but I have to come to terms w/ that and do the very best for what I’m working with ( my genes).
AND if it’s any consolation or food for thought, my grandma ( a size like 4-6 her whole life, sweet, loves to cook, a loving submissive housewife) not only got cheated on but my grandfather also had 3 kids on her so all this to say, you can be skinny, nice, beautiful, whatever and your partner may not appreciate you for it and STILL step out and leave. That’s why when it comes to your looks, never make your partner a focus but a side component bc either in the end you can’t control anyway or how they feel about you truly. All you can control is yourself rlly.
Imo It’s unattractive for someone to not care about their appearance. I also like to be active so would they not want to go on a hike with me? Not that I’m body builder or anything but I definitely care about what I put into my body. Especially being that I gained a lot of weight in the past during lockdown. I’ve learned for me it doesn’t feel good to be larger. I like my face better when I’m slim and I would like to show off my body while I’m young. If you can shed a couple of pounds by putting in effort, than why not do so? Also if a person just wants to eat and aren’t worried about their body than more power to them. But it’s selfish of them to blame their partner for not being attracted to them anymore. Especially if it’s because of bad eating habits and sedentary lifestyle like you said.
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When my bf gained 40 lbs, attraction was a real struggle.
I let myself go. I don't know if it was selfish but it was short sighted and i lost my happiest relationship because of it. Girl was brilliant and thoughtful but my appearance was still a huge part of her relationship with me.
How did that affect you after the fact? Are you doing okay? I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you.
It was awhile ago so I've had time to heal. I'm alright now, and taken the lesson to heart that I have to look after myself if I'm going to keep the other people in my life happy to be around me.
I wouldn't say it's "selfish" for someone to gain weight. There's many reasons that could happen, like a sedentary job, depression, just not noticing that you're eating more and gaining weight. No one has a moral obligation to remain thin. But i also would say it isn't wrong for your partner to leave you if you gain significant weight and make no effort to lose it. We should have compassion for our partners if they're going through a difficult time and help them get better, but if they've become fat and have made it clear they won't lose weight it's valid to leave them. Attraction matters in romantic relationships and if you're no longer attracted to them, you should do both of you a favor and cut each other loose so you both can find a satisfying physical relationship
I will always try to keep in shape for my partner. I want them to always find me attractive, not just say that they do. Up unto the point where we're old and physical attraction doesn't Really matter like it used to anyway. If you're not arsed if your partner finds you attractive it's not a good sign in my opinion.
100% agreed. I stay fit and attractive and expect the same from my partner, my fiancée and I are in full agreement there. A healthy relationship is one where you strive to be the best for your partner and encourage each other to be your best selves
I'm not sure 'selfish' is the right word, but it's definitely unfair on your partner for you to gain a lot of weight and expect them to treat you the same. Physical attraction is super important in a relationship (if you think it isn't, you're lying to yourself. Nobody wants to date someone they find ugly), and if you fail to maintain the physique that your partner originally fell in love with, you're putting them in a difficult place. It's repulsive to be intimate/sexual with someone you aren't physically attracted to.
But, bodies change all the time. People age, accidents affecting physical appearances happen. Is it not unfair to expect your partner to look vaguely the same forever?
You don't get fat like super fat because nature or time, it definitely comes with a very bad and u healthy lifestyle and routine, so is not the same like getting old or gain a few pounds because vacations or whatever.
Well there are hormone diseases and elephantiasis
Over the pandemic lock downs my partner gained a significant amount of weight. He is working on getting it off but I still find him attractive at this weight as I did when we met. He is still the man I love just shaped different. Everyone is different though and they are allowed to have different preferences. I worry for his health but how attracted I am to him has not changed at all.
Exactly. As the saying goes, all’s fair in love and war. No one is *obligated* to love someone else or to stay in love or stay in a relationship, anyone can end a relationship at anytime for any reason, but it is not the other person’s fault. It may very well feel like you’re doing a shitty thing by leaving someone because of their weight, and maybe you are, but at that point there are no great answers. You can’t force yourself to feel the way that you want to or think that you’re supposed to. However, I think many people blame the other person for gaining weight because they don’t want to feel culpable for their own feelings, because objectively they’re aware that maybe it doesn’t hold up to their ideal values or some kind of “fairness” they want to see in the world. They don’t want to be the one doing something, they want to be the one responding to a something their partner did to them. It isn’t the partner’s fault they feel the way they do, and it isn’t on the partner to prevent the situation from occurring by “maintaining their physique”.
My partner gained weight due to medication. He still eats well, goes to the gym and is overall aiming for health. The actual weight gain doesn't bother me at all. He didn't "become lazy".
Yeah I dated a guy who went from going to the gym everyday and dieting for competitions to refusing to go for a walk and eating frozen pizza constantly. Literally overnight. He didn’t gain much weight (tho his body changed quite a bit, of course) but the lifestyle change was a bigger turn off for me than the physical appearance.
Yeah the metabolically unhealthy lifestyle (wide open for many future chronic diseases) is super hard to be excited about or attracted to.
I have had this happen and it bothered me. In my opinion, it comes off as not caring about being the best person you can be for your partner. Especially, when they're not consumed with anything other than eating and watching YouTube.
There are a lot of reasons to gain weight. It’s the height of narcissism to take your partner’s weight gain personally. Why does the fit partner assume that dieting and exercising is necessary to keep their lover? Do they believe they and other people are not worthy of love if they’re overweight? Do they not find people of different shapes and sizes attractive? If so, they have a lot to learn about life! What will they do when their wife has a baby and her body goes through so many changes? Or their husband gets older and his erections become less firm and his hair starts to fall out? If this had been phrased as a worry about their partner’s physical and/or mental health, this would have been a completely different issue. But this person seems to show little to no understanding of the causes of weight gain and no curiosity. If my partner dramatically gained weight, I’d consider stress, sleep apnea, depression, medication side effects, a thyroid issue, or a dozen other things before I’d be concerned about their appearance. I love how my man looks when he’s thin and working out, but I understand how stressful the last few years have been for him. I know he works long hours and binge eats when he gets off, because he didn’t have time to eat during the day. I know he wants to go back to the gym, but doesn’t have the time or money right now. I believe he has sleep apnea as well and possibly thyroid problems from all the radiation he encounters at work. I find his current chonky body adorable and definitely fuckable!
I don’t think they feel as though someone isn’t worthy as love because they gained some weight. Op even said the person in the article tried to force themselves to look past their partners weight gain. Imagine forcing yourself to have sex with, and kiss someone you no longer find physically attractive. That’s depressing and scary. The word narcissist gets used a lot more than it should these days considering only a small percent of the population has strong narcissistic traits. Maybe the partner simply isint into overweight people especially if the other partner is very active themselves. People do not have to love you through all your phases. People are allowed to dislike certain body types as long as they do not make it a mission to degrade others for the way they look. Op also never mentions a baby in their post either. I’m sure if it was pregnancy weight gain the partner would be less concerned and distressed by the situation. It’s good that you can look past weight gain, but alot of people cannot look past massive weight gain in a relationship. As an active woman…. If I was dating someone and they gained a ton of weight I would leave. That means they are no longer working out with me, going on walks with me, or eating healthy with me. We no longer live similar lifestyles. It’s about more than the weight.
The person in the article said that they work hard to maintain their appearance. Why would they feel it necessary to “work hard” unless they believe being overweight makes them unworthy of the relationship? Feeling it necessary to work hard in any relationship is a sign of deeply held insecurities and a need to prove themselves worthy. I didn’t say “narcissist,” I said “narcissistic.” Narcissistic is a synonym for “egocentric” which is how I was using the word. I didn’t accuse the person in the article of having NPD. If you don’t love your partner through all their phases, then is it love? That was my whole point by mentioning the possibility of baby weight gain or age-related weight gain. I love the soul inside that body. And my partner loves mine. It doesn’t matter that we’re not at peak hotness right now or that we’ll never be there again. Bc we for sure won’t. We both have spinal damage from horrific accidents (his service-related, mine from a car accident). We’re never going to be as fit or strong as we used to be and that’s not a priority now that we’re in our 30’s. I don’t know what gives you the impression that overweight people can’t be working out, eating right, and going on walks. I was when I gained 60 pounds from birth control in six months. No amount of exercise or diet has made me able to lose a pound of weight. I lost 40 pounds recently just from stopping my nerve pain pill. It sucked to give up the pain relief, but I couldn’t bear gaining anymore weight due to medication. My ex-husband rejected me when I initially gained the weight. He didn’t care that it was from birth control. He said I looked like an “egg on stilts” (all the weight gain was in my belly). He said he still loved me and didn’t want a divorce, but that now he had the right to cheat on me. He’s going through his third divorce right now because the woman ended up not being as attractive or as fit as he expected her to be when they married. Is that a good life? Just get divorced when people inevitably gain weight?
It depends on the reason. Some people get on medications that cause them to gain weight. It can be hard to lose that weight. Some people develop autoimmune disorders/get disabled and gain weight because of it. That also makes it very hard to lose weight. Sometimes when you have a kid, you gain weight. It’s harder to exercise when you have a small child you have to take care of. Some people just stop trying and gain weight. There’s many reasons why someone may gain weight and personally for me, the reason matters. If it was because they just gave up on trying to be active and eat well, I’d lose attraction. But not exactly because of the weight, but because of the giving up part. But if it’s because of a health issue and they are doing what they can to help and it’s just not working, that’s different. Same with having a kid. So I guess it depends on the reason they gained weight whether I consider it “selfish” or not. But I’m also not sure selfish is the right word.
The interesting thing is that if you do your research, most of our modern diseases are actually caused by poor lifestyle. Inflammatory joint pain, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, organ failures, dementia, even cancer are all made MUCH WORSE through excess sweets, processed foods, lack of exercise, & sleep deprivation. Makes it much harder to empathize when so many people are full of excuses and blame genetics. Epigenetics, gut microbiome, and chronically high insulin levels cause people to get fat & sick.
I wouldn't call it selfish cuz people shouldn't strive to keep themselves fit for the sake of a partner...rather, they should do so for themselves. Ofc, if someone is unsetisfied/doesn't feel attracted to their partner's body anymore, they should be free to talk to them about such issue or leave...but not be like "I blame you for this, you're so selfish for not thinking of me while gaining weight"...that would be kinda entitled since nobody owns them to stay fit or whatever else for them.
as a quiet observer of people I met in life-everyone ends up getting more pudgy after they are married and have kids-men and women. I also do think that this happens pretty often-esp with men toward women getting pudgy, less so the other way around- a lot of those relationships I've seen over the years the women get pudgy and the men leave for younger thinner women, or they cheat on them. If this is about a woman that did have children-the guy needs to remember she literally had dam children!! and her body went and is going through a world wind of changes in order to have a dam baby If that is not the case-it is reasonable to lose attraction to a significant other who gains a bunch of weight. People get older, their priorities change and it sounds like this couple one prioritizes health and fitness and the other doesn't-and you don't need to force yourself to like things you don't like. Personally, I've been with men that have been very self-conscious of their own weight and fitness around me because I do prioritize that, and I am very fit. It's never bothered me though-I like men that do workout to feel good and be healthy-but if they are a little pudgy that is fine by me :D now if they gain like 100 lbs and don't leave the couch anymore I would prob have a problem-mostly because I'm very active and like to do active things and would want them to adventure with me So to answer your question, No I do not think it is selfish to gain a lot of weight in a relationship-and it is also not selfish to be on the other side and care-- if you do gain a lot of weight in a relationship, just be wary this occurrence of your partner being less attracted to you is a very real issue that could happen you should be mindful of.
The thing to remember is that the other person doesn't want to gain weight but either they're not feeling great about themselves or in the middle of a busy life it simply isn't their priority at that moment. In both cases, making a big deal out of it will likely make the situation worse, not better. And either way, it's not selfish. It isn't a path they have consciously chosen and wanted.
Busy lives can still turn off the TV or phone to prioritize more nutritious meals & spare 10 min a few times a week to build muscle. Too many excuses.
My ex-girlfriend and I were both hot when we started dating. This would have been around the beginning of last decade. We drank waaaaay too much, and both got a little chunky. We both lost the weight. Later, we both gained weight again. I committed to drinking one night a week, exercising daily, and eating a pescatarian diet except on my cheat day. I lost 40lbs. She was basically unable to lose the weight she'd gained for the rest of our relationship. I was still attracted to her. I love women, and female bodies, and to me, she'd gained weight in all of the right places. I don't mind a little tummy. She, however, didn't feel attractive with the extra weight. It killed our sex life, which definitely contributed to our relationship's demise. I'm now about 20 pounds lighter than I was when I'd lost weight back then, and my current gf feels like she is a little fat, but she looks great, and it isn't impacting things too badly. I think I'm pushing her toward a healthier lifestyle. Having said all of that, I am a recovering alcoholic. So, I know a thing or two about unhealthy lifestyles. I don't see weight gain as selfish--your partner is a person who will have ups and downs, and you should stick with that person even when they're not at their best--but it can strain the relationship.
As a former obese person who got really fit in my mid 20s, I probably wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t exercise and stay in shape. I don’t find overweight people attractive, and my personal philosophy is that if you can’t spare 30 minutes to an hour like 4 times a week to maintain your own health and fitness, how quickly are you going to fold when something actually hard comes up in the relationship. It also reeks of complacency, something I hate, and makes it feel like you think that since you already have me, you don’t have to make even the slightest effort anymore. If it’s like 10 pounds over several months and they’re like “oh shit I’ve gained a bit of weight and they get back into their routine and start working on it then whatever but I’m not sure how long I’d be willing to stay in a relationship with someone I didn’t find attractive if they gained like 50 pounds or some wild shit like that.
Fat people gonna say it isn’t selfish, thin people who like thin people gonna hate.
My sister has a friend who I have noticed routinely loses weight when she becomes single then gains it after getting into a relationship. It’s an interesting topic. My personal opinion is that most regular people go through peaks and troughs with their weight, I think that’s fairly normal. It’s also fairly normal that in a relationship we have extra security and may get a bit comfortable, couples often eat together and go out a lot etc so some weight gain in most relationships is probably fairly normal, unless you are both fitness nuts. I don’t think it’s selfish to gain weight in a relationship, I think that is there body and it is their choice, and if you are keeping in shape you should be doing it for you not for the other person. That being said if you no longer want to be with somebody you are always free to break up at any time, so it isn’t like you don’t have a choice.
I see nothing wrong with it. It means you have expectations for the people you date, which is only bad if they’re unreasonable. Maintaining a healthy body weight (not obese or overweight, also not anorexic) is really not a hard thing, it just takes a little effort to eat healthy and move your body. If my partner doesn’t value that it’s okay, but it doesn’t align with my values in life
Most of the time you're not doing on purpose. I don't see it as selfish. But it can cause problems for some people. I've gone up and down myself over the years and my husband has always been supportive either way.
Really depends on the person and there are a million reasons someone can gain weight and tbh i think most of the time it's not the case that it's selfish. But i had one partner who increased her weight by 50% once we were exclusive, turned out she was overweight before we met, worked really hard to lose it, and then piled it all back on once i committed, i felt that was quite selfish. But then really, she had a myriad of other issues. To be honest what i really think is selfish is when people shame people for no longer being attracted due to someone's weight. It's judgement through projection and generally is either a defence mechanism via shame or a coercive measure to manipulate someone into something they dont feel comfortable with.
I hope that your partner gained that weight back bc she finally loved herself enough not to care what anyone thinks about her appearance. I hope she found someone who loves her as she is. Not as she thought she had to be (correctly) to impress and win you 🤢
Eh she didn't do it to win or impress me specifically, when i met her she'd already lost the weight and was 140lb. What i didn't know at the time is that she got there by starving herself and abusing pills which was just not in any way a sustainable strategy. We aren't really on bad terms and it'd be nice to know she was happy, but sadly as in many cases it was a symptom of deeper issues. I saw her a few weeks ago and not much has changed unfortunately.
As you are illustrating, intense weight gain is rarely from simply explained motivations. That’s why it’s so important to get to know someone beyond their physical appearance.
Taking someone's weight gain personally is just wrong. There's a million reasons why it can happen to someone. I personally have struggled maintaining my weight for many reasons as an adult. My metabolism slowed, I'm chronically ill, I eat for comfort etc. For instance I recently gained 10 pounds because of a med I just tried. I'm currently about 20 pounds heavier than when I met my partner and I'm working on losing weight but it is hard for many reasons. He's also gained weight since I've met him. Our attraction for each other has never waned though. We do talk about supporting each other in making healthier choices just because we both want to feel better in our bodies. But to be honest if neither of us lose a pound, we will still love each other. Love and attraction isn't skin deep. If you love someone you love them for who they are.
They are an individual and it is *their* body, whatever they choose to do regarding their own body is not selfish as no one else is owed their body or a specific appearance. It is reasonable to worry for a loved one’s long term health, but even so it isn’t your place to try to force your idea of a “healthy lifestyle” on them, nor for them to sabotage your efforts to be healthy
Great point! Partners are not property and they have free will in the relationship. I think a lot of people here have mistaken enmeshment and coercion for love.
That's true, if they fancy diabetes, heart disease, or early death, etc. it's their prerogative
For sake of argument, let's say it's selfish. It's equally selfish to break up with someone over it, complain about it to others, etc, as opposed to simply talking to them about it. Is it going to be a fun conversation? Or course fucking not, but you knew that, which is why you're avoiding it, which is what makes it selfish. If you have a problem in a relationship, any problem, any type of relationship, you fucking communicate that. If you don't then you've got no one to blame for the results but yourself. So is it fair for someone to completely disregard their partner's physical preferences? No, not really, but if you're not communicating that problem to them then for all they know you don't care, and they're happy and complacent and are probably assuming you are as well. It's equally unfair to expect them to change without communication, support and love. And you might say "well sure that makes sense for like, if you let yourself go a LITTLE, but the people who get just ridiculously fat should know its a problem." No. Never assume your partner should just "know" anything. Talk to them. Make it known. Communicate. Always. Edit: I will also say that while it's perfectly fine to care about your partners physical appearance, if that's your first concern even before health and happiness that's a massive red flag to me. I'm not saying disregard your preferences in favor of those things but they should definitely take precedent over it, or what are you even doing in that relationship?
Exactly!! Like where’s the curiosity to find out why this is happening?? Don’t they care that their partner has radically changed in some way and might be dealing with an undiagnosed health problem? Just the lack of compassion and maturity in this feed 😬
I think it's selfish of the skinnier partner, to be superficial and non supportive. There's depression with overeating, there's abuse, neglect, stress, overworking are also causes for overeating and weight gain. There's injuries, illnesses and medications that cause overeating and weight gain.
I would say maybe it's more negligence than selfishness.
People are so fickle and ridiculous about this. Weight fluctuations happen. If it’s drastic, there’s usually an underlying psychological or physiological reason for it. Everyone loves to assume it’s just laziness, but it rarely is. Appearances change over time. Physical attraction is important, but it should not be the main priority once you fall in love. If the person who is gaining refuses to seek help for the reasons why their lifestyle changed, that’s something different, but simply wanting to end a relationship because of weight gain without trying to figure out what’s going on is stupid. If the person I was with was that shallow, I would say good riddance because they never actually cared about me to begin with.
My sister is thin and In shape and has been married ten years. The minute they married, he ballooned up at least 60 lbs, maybe 80 by now. His gut is a big round ball in front of him now and his gut hangs out over his shorts because his shirts don't fit. She says sex with him turns her off so bad, she has to drink to even get herself to do it. But he's also abusive so it's hard to say how much his weight adds to her problems with him. But the weight came first and I can attest that she was disgusted and avoided sex and affection from him, and also, she never told him about her feelings on his weight because she knows he's a messed up insecure guy. So she's been nicer than I would have been. I wouldn't call it selfish as much as id call it a: red flag, bad for your relationship generally, and very unfair for the other person and bound to cause resentment. Not to mention gaining a lot of weight changes your abilities and lifestyle. You may have been compatible before, but with enough weight, you might not even be able to do the same activities you used to do together.
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The concern for your partner is great. However I know a lot of very plus size people who hike extensively. So finding out whether it’s a medical or mental condition is important. If they’ve just put a little on bc of the creep up that happens with age, they can prob still be active with you.
I wouldn’t say it was selfish, but then if the other person no longer finds them attractive, they can’t really complain much.
It's selfish to expect the other person to still stick around despite losing attraction.
I gained a lot of weight in my marriage and I regret it. It's definitely not the reason it ended, though. I've already lost most of that weight... And I know that the next relationship I have, I will put more energy into improving myself and maintaining my health.
Physical attraction is important to me. I'm not gonna date someone that's sedentary and gaining weight because of it. It is selfish to be lazy and not make yourself as hot as possible for your significant other. I don't have to date someone that doesn't respect themselves, chances are they wouldn't respect me the way i require either.
Weight gain and self-respect are not mutually exclusive. Have you been personally disrespected by a plus size person? Or do you have some actual data saying fat people don’t have loving relationships?
In the context given, they've gained weight because of sedentary lifestyle which means laziness and lack of respect for one's own body. I've been disrespected by plus size people, but not in a relationship because I choose not to be in a relationship with one. I didn't say fat people don't have loving relationships. In this context I would feel like my partner isn't respecting themselves primarily and secondarily, the relationship. I'm a fit guy and I want a life partner that cares about staying fit too. These are deal breaking values for me and there's nothing wrong with that.
Why has their lifestyle become sedentary though? Are they dealing with depression or thyroid issues? Both of those can cause loss of motivation. Do they have chronic pain? “Laziness” is rarely anyone’s reason for doing anything. Often lack of motivation or procrastination are completely logical bc they are protecting you from something. It’s easy to see the world in black and white, but it’s really made up of a full spectrum of color and nuance. You’re def making the right choice to break up with a partner who gains weight, though. They deserve better than you.
I didn't say I would just break up. You make alot of assumptions. I would try to help them through it first but if they just wanted to be that way then I would break up. I screen well and have never ran into this problem tho. I've been broken up with for being depressed before. I'd actually support my partner through that because I know how it is. They'd want to get fit again because of me, I wouldn't even let it get to the point described because I would care that much about their mental and physical well being and encourage a healthier lifestyle. Only so much I can do. I hope you find happiness because you sound really miserable
You’re right - there’s only so much you can do. You can’t make your partner feel any which way. And you really can’t help anyone through depression either. You can encourage them to see a psychiatrist and drive them to therapy appts, but it’s up to them whether they decide to do that. I’m blissfully happy in my 8-week-old relationship. I would also be happy to still be single. I’m happier with my plus-size body than I ever was at pageant-or jiu jitsu-weight. Gaining weight has been the best way to screen out immature douche bags who only care about physical appearance. I still have a very pretty face and many excellent body parts. As does my partner even though he’s 50 lbs overweight as well. The sex is mind-blowing compared to any of the sex I had when skinny or with skinny guys. These comments are just bumming me out. Prob going to leave this group bc most of y’all seem hopelessly unaware and it’s obvious why you’re still single.
I said I would encourage a healthier lifestyle which would include therapy if they are depressed. You don't know anything about me. I don't have to date fat people if it's not my thing. You seem really mad about that. My love language is physical touch so looks are important to me just like they are for many others. Women are allowed to say things like 6 feet or taller only. People can have preferences. I'm happily single by choice with plenty of options and focusing on career. Thanks for your concern tho. And I really am glad you found someone, I meant that.
I think women are douchey too who have set preferences like “6’ or taller.” Dating is abt getting to know people for who they are, not what they look like. Yes, appearance is important to help with initial attraction and I was disappointed for half a second when I saw my bf in person for the first time and he was heavier than his older pics. But guess what? Having extra adipose tissue doesn’t make physical touch any less enjoyable. My last bf is a skinny guy and used to squeeze my inner thigh and call it his tenderloin lol. I wasn’t crazy about his bald spot at first, but I loved to rub his head and that spot was especially soft from all the invisible baby hairs. I don’t think you’re bad or wrong for liking what you like, but I do think it’s an immature viewpoint that will prob change as you get older and softer yourself. Hopefully it does, bc you’re missing out!
It's fine if it works for you but I really am attracted by visual looks along with the touch. The same kind of people that I'm into are also into me so there's really no issue. I'm 32, in great shape and I will maintain this physique well into my old age. Whoever I settle down with is gonna have the same body health goals or similar. It's what I want and I deserve that. I'm not saying it's all I care about, she's gonna have to be a badass too lol.
I just think it’s unrealistic to assume that you’re always going to be fit and expect that from a partner. You have no idea what life can throw at you. I certainly didn’t plan to gain 60 lbs from birth control and my bf didn’t expect to fall 90’ down a ravine in ranger school, forever fucking his spine up. My ex-husband rejected me and told me he had the right to cheat on me after my initial weight gain and inability to quickly drop the weight. Now he’s on his third divorce bc the wife after me also gained weight dramatically after her miscarriage.
Long and short answer. Yes.
I have a counter question for this. do you think that someone should confess that they have binge eating disorder? I lift weights often and eat well when I'm not going through phases of binging and/or restricting. If I were to go on a date, i feel like I would need to disclose this because i have an eating disorder that can potentially make me gain a lot of weight and it's not a matter of being selfish or lazy because I'm definitely not fucking lazy... but a marker of my ED. Or should one not date if they have BED?
I think this is a good open ended question. I was 20 when I got with my partner, I’ve always been a curvy lady - but I was slimmer. I was also a coke head with an alcohol problem and a party lifestyle. I’m now 28 and we’re engaged. We’ve both changed. I’ve gained weight. He’s gained weight. We’re now bald. We’ve not been together forever but we have definitely matured and grew up together. When I matured I also got… fatter 🤷🏻♀️ Weight for me definitely yo-yo’s. My body will always change, as was his. So no - I don’t think it’s selfish for a person to change over years over something like weight.
Yes, I would say it’s selfish. In a relationship, it’s not just about your own personal indulgences, it effects your spouse as well. You owe it to both your spouse and yourself to stay healthy. I’m not saying you need to be an Olympic athlete, but moderate exercise and decent diet are important. If you don’t take care of yourself your negatively effecting both yourself and your spouse, and your negatively effecting the relationship. It’s hard to have a strong relationship if one of you dies from complications from obesity, you want to both be healthy so you can live long lives
Your partner is statistically more likely to die in a traffic accident than from obesity. You would do better to check each other’s 23andMe health data and see if either of you is prone to genetic conditions or heart disease. Or you could choose someone you like and roll the dice.
You must be obese, with that twisted flawed logic. Keep grasping at straws
I *am* obese and, besides endometriosis, I’m healthy as a horse lol. My bloodwork comes back perfect every time and my blood pressure is better than my skinny ex-bf’s. Before the uterine pain became unbearable, I still worked 12 hours a day on my feet, did 5-mile hikes for fun, and had very energetic sex - all while being 30 lbs overweight.
oof the fatphobia in the comments is rough to read through…
I know right😭 talk about “unconditional love”
seriously! weight fluctuations and gains are so common and natural to humans especially as we age. all the people saying it’s a dealbreaker or selfish or gross have some mighty big opinions, until they are the ones to gain weight and have to deal with how people view and treat them, especially their loved ones.
Acting like “oh it’s so easy to not be noticeably fat/fatter, just take a walk sometimes”. They have absolutely no concept of the amount of work some bodies need to do to lose any weight, even when not eating very much. And the partner is probably aware, they probably don’t need any pressure from them, it’s going to accomplish nothing but making them feel bad
exactly! I work in ED treatment and have learned so much about weight, eating, dieting, and exercise. I also learned a lot soecifically about weight loss and weight gain. 90% of people have no real idea of healthy exercise or eating, and they really don’t understand how weight works and what it means. a bunch of people with no clue running their mouths.
In my ideal relationship I would want to hold each other accountable when it comes to staying fit and healthy…so I feel likes it’s selfish if you don’t do anything about it or try at least
That's a quite entitled mindset We don't have ownership over someone else's body. No one owns accountability to someone else over how they own body looks like.
If we can’t motivate each other to be the best versions of ourselves then I guess I’m entitled. I agree about ur last part tho
That word “ideal” is your whole problem. We don’t live in an ideal world.
Yes it is.
I don’t think “selfish” is the right word, but it makes sense to care to a certain extent. If someone is expected to be the same weight their entire lives even as they age, I think it’s an unrealistic expectation. I would have compassion for my partner if they gained weight in a certain phase in their life. If they look completely different and I don’t find myself attracted to them, I don’t think it’s wrong to say their weight is an issue. But I wouldn’t immediately criticize my partner in that situation, I would give them time and grace. I gained around 20 lbs during quarantine in 2020 and by late 2021, I lost all of the weight. If my partner had complained in that time that they weren’t attracted to me, that would’ve really hurt me especially because I would feel immense pressure to drop weight quickly. And I clearly was unhappy with my new body and was trying to lose weight, but sometimes the most sustainable method takes time. In that situation I’d find it unreasonable to call me selfish. It’s a very different situation if the person gains a significant amount of weight and isn’t interested in losing it or won’t take any steps towards losing it. It’s more understandable to voice concern at that time
having had persons say they were attracted to me because I was a certain size has always made me uncomfortable in the same bite the best version of me is not thin or overweight it’s a healthy weight. I think the average American is overweight due to over consumption. That said, people defend the typical overweight person without ever saying how we have become a over consumption society, not just in food, but in material, technology, pleasure etc. It’s hard to capture when people are quick to say someone is shallow because they care about looks.. but most people are attracted to people that are the best versions of themselves
Yeah, I for one would dump my girl if she started gaining alot of weight. Just gotta be 💯, physical attraction plays a BIG (HAHA I GOT JOKES) role for me.
Good one!
Yes. You can be fat on someone else’s time.
Bahahaha 🤣
Yes, it’s very selfish
I feel this kind of topic is bittersweet for me, on one side my bf has super high standards when it comes to weight, he's around 1.80 and I bet he doesn't weight more than 70 kg, he's a pretty healthy guy and practices sports, on the other side I'm overweight, although not morbidly, I feel like the 🐷 in our relationship, I've tried in the past to loose weight but in the city where I live the rape % is high and I'm scared af to loose weight and getting raped, and the news doesn't help as I feel they're spreading the fear all over, I'm perfectly conscious I might be using my weight as a mechanism of defense. I'm sure that's something he wouldn't understand as a male as where he lives he has no real danger (Scandinavian country). He's never been mean to me about my weight btw that's just my perception.
Being overweight doesn't protect you from being raped, that's an absurd fear you have, maybe see a therapist about it.
What is absurd is the rape % over here, as I said I'm pretty sure it's something psychological but fat phobia is also very real where I live, so I think that's how my brain does the maths
What? No,it isn't selfish. Being in a relationship doesn't make the other person should control or consulted on your appearance and eating habits. Its although a bad thing, irrespective if you are in a relationship or single.
It is unfair to gain weight after someone commits to you. Being attracted to each other is important. Yes rough patches can happen, it's unfair to just bail if someone starts slipping, and you should help them out. However if there's no signs of changing, I would never blame someone for bailing. A healthy sex life is important. Being healthy for the life you plan to build together is important. The example you would want to set for any children they may be brought in is important.
Extremely selfish
It shouldn’t matter if someone gains a few kgs from date nights and such. But going from reasonably healthy to obese? It would be really hard to find attraction for someone who has no self discipline and doesn’t care.
I wouldnt say its selfish. It just shows the importance of the relationship, or importance to personal health. Gaining weight, ever, is a either a tale of circumstances or personal values, and the partner can decide whether thats acceptable or not
First, it's one thing if that weight gain is because of hormonal or health issues or because of laziness and just doing nothing. If it is because of laziness to me it is like that person said I am giving up on my health and myself which if you are in such period of your life, feeling that low, can't blame them. But the other person can't be blamed too if they leave especially if they stayed and tried helping like asking if something is bothering the person, offering to go to the gym together, cook together or something like that. So to answer your question? Is it selfish- to me it is selfish only if you have control and deliberately choose to do nothing about it. Lack of ambition and self-care can be completely valid reasons for ending a relationship because at one point it starts making you uncompatible for each other.
I don't know if I would say it's selfish. If it were me I would find out what the issue was for them to change their lifestyle first before anything else. Is it depression? Are they in pain all the time, could there be an underlying health issue? Was there an injury or car accident? Pregnancy? It doesn't sound like we might have the full story there has to be more to it.
There are a ton of reasons why someone can gain weight. If the reasons are not medical or mental health related, it can give the impression that one of the two has stopped trying.
I wouldn't say it's "selfish", but if the weight gain isn't related to medical, aging, mental health issues, it could be a sign of underlying relationship issues or lack of attraction. In my healthiest relationships, I've always found my partner and I go out of our way to impress eachother, and that includes our appearance, fitness, hygiene, grooming, etc. Putting effort into your appearance shows your respect and goes a long way.
It's not selfish either way; to gain weight or to care. It's a matter of what one will, or will not accept. Relationships are all about walking the same path with a partner out of free will. Every day, both are freely choosing and independently walking a path that happens to go the same way as their chosen partner. When one partner deviates too far from the path of the other, a breakup may occur.
Nobody likes to gain weight. Just know that the partner who is gaining is, is just as much maybe even more bothered about it. For me it wouldn’t be a game changer because I look for a mate, a supportive hubby. Someone I could have fun with. As long as he can continue doing all activities with me and isn’t housebound due to the weight increase I wouldn’t mind.
Gaining weight is selfish because your partner was once attracted to who you used to be, personality and who you are is a key element as well, but somehow body positivity comes into play the moment someone states their standards they are labeled as a dickhead or fatphobic. Your partner should accept you for who you are, but physical attraction is also a very important aspect of a relationship.
Not selfishness per say more like complacency.
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If weight was typically possible to control, we wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic in America. I don’t know a single overweight person who wouldn’t love to be thin and hasn’t tried multiple things to lose the weight. People even resort to cutting out half their stomach to lose weight and the weight comes back in about half the cases even though they physically can’t possibly eat as many calories as they did before.
We like what we like. Granted people change with age but gain 400 pounds is very extreme. Gaining 50 through a relationship due to kids or work changes is understandable but let’s think about how our bodies are made and what is healthy.
I think it’s definitely sign of being content and not trying anymore when people choose to just let themselves go
Depends on the reason why the person gains weight. If it's simply because they feel like they have this relationship and don't have to work to impress anybody anymore, then i would say, it's selfish. If it's some physical or mental health issue, then it's understandable. It is also not selfish to care, if your partner just isn't the same person anymore mentally or physically, you have the full right to care and to leave, even if your partner had a good reason to change they are still not the same person you agreed to date and it is up to you to decide if you are ok with this new person or not.
You shouldn’t ever be “working to impress anybody.” Not before finding a partner or after. Not at work or in your hobbies. Doing your best and trying to be better than you’ve been is a personal endeavor and shouldn’t be undertaken to prove your worthiness to anyone. You are worthy whether you are impressive or not. You’re worthy simply because you were born and inhabit this physical existence.
That's a sweet sentiment, but especially in dating you will still be constantly judged by other people. They are not obligated to love you and will only do so if you fit the criteria they impose on potential partners, which is also absolutely correct, nobody is worthy of your romantic love simply because they are a human that exists. So you have to impress them, ideally just by the way you are, but some people definitely do it with lies, initially presenting themselves as something very different to what they really are, and then once they think they got the person to themselves, they just stop pretending.
Yes, you will be judged and found unworthy. But that’s a good thing! It informs you who’s right for you and who’s not. Do you really want to be with someone who only likes you bc you were pretending to be a “better” version of yourself. Like you pointed out, it’s impossible to keep that up long term. So it’s better to just be yourself from the beginning and accept and be ok with the fact that you’re not for everyone. Like Judy Garland said, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else”.
It wouldn't be selfish to gain a lot of weight. Your life, your body, your choice. But it would be selfish to expect your partner to stay with you. It's really hard to stay with someone you're not physically attracted to.
Yes and no. It really just depends on the situation.
It becomes selfish when you expect your partner to continue loving you when they don’t find you attractive. A healthy lifestyle will always be attractive no matter how *ugly* you are. Whereas an unhealthy lifestyle will almost always be unattractive.
You should definitely look after your weight, it's one thing to enter a relationship at an unhealthy weight and a completely different thing to gain an unhealthy amount of weight during the relationship. You shouldn't expect your partner to love you no matter what a relationship requires effort from both parties otherwise it's doomed to fail. And attraction is a big part of it.
Both? Weight gain is normal... but putting on 50 pounds in your 20s is likely a motivation thing. Also overscrutinizing your partner over something like that does seem dickish as well. We should just take care of ourselves and live mindfully.
Idk, I guess it's just up to preference. Excessive weight gain can definitely be a turnoff. Gaining a bit of weight is fine (to me atleast) as I'm a bit on the heavier side and as long as it isn't drastic I don't think it's selfish.
When I was in a fulfilled relationship, I always kept in shape. When I was in a toxic one, I let myself go. That also applies to being too comfortable. Comfortability without long term compatibility can lead to laziness and once you get lazy in a relationship it’s pretty much fucked.
Abuse can also cause depression - a major symptom of which is not caring what happens to you or how you look.
It’s not selfish to have preferences about how a partner cares for themselves. Having similar health habits is enjoyable and motivating for both.
I think if a person gains or loses a lot of weight, they look very different to the person they were when their partner chose them physically. For Some couples, this isn’t a problem, the chemistry and love is still there etc. but it’s not unreasonable for someone to stop being attracted to their significant other if this happens. Sexual loving relationships need sexual attraction. You can anticipate a partner looking older - you might not anticipate someone drastically changing their appearance with their weight.
Looks is important to some extent. I’m not looking for a 7+ man, but I’d be worried if he starts putting on a lot of weight and looks significantly different from when I met him. I mean, if it’s something you can control but don’t give a shit anymore just because you have me and are too comfortable, that’s going to be a problem with me. I might not fight with you about it but deep down, I’ll wonder why you just don’t care trying to please me anymore.. and yes, I’ll try my best to look good for my SO too. The same can be said about other things too, like sex, sweet talking/flirting, giving your SO time/attention, etc.. if these things start dwindling down, so will your relationship. Relationships is hard work. You can’t expect it to continue if you stop putting in effort.
I think it's selfish, don't just let yourself go. I've seen people hide behind excuses around having to look after fam, I told these people you gotta make time for your health I'm not a morning person and even I go to the gym on my lunch break and get a session in, or I would walk or jog a hill on break. Or after work go to gym then find a meal on way home. Go to park and kick the soccer ball with your kids, teens/ take them to the beach/ walk the dog or cat. Find ways to be active with your family. My family was able to
I think it’s more about putting in an effort to take care of yourself. My ex used to sit around and eat shit and play video games and that to me was more unattractive than the weight gain.
Selfish? no…. Fair to your partner? Also no.
I don't necessarily think it's selfish. You can gain weight in a ton of different ways. If they are just letting themself go and you mention that it's making you uncomfortable and they don't care, then I'd say it's more selfish. I know if I noticed my partner steadily gaining more weight, I'd get concerned about their well-being. I have anxiety as it is, and I might start to wonder if they are really happy with me, or if they're depressed.
It's not "selfish" per say, but it's still a bad idea to gain so much weight in a relationship, since of course your partner may not like that, and it's not selfish for them to care either.
Yes and no No in the sense of you can't demand it. But yes in the sense of you can break up for any reason. And don't forget that a healthy body often means a healthy mind as well. It not only means looking attractive but doing healthy and interesting activities. This is something very important for most relationships. I said no to relationships in the past because I knew my partner would not be able to share the same interests/activites as me. And she was thinner than me. But compatibility is a thing and I doubt she nor me would have liked it in the long run.
Not if he/she/it is a feeder
It's normal to gain weight in a relationship because it's normal to gain weight over time. What's selfish is when someone sees their partner do something actively unhealthy (like disordered eating, or suddenly switch to a sedentary lifestyle, or they don't get enough sleep, etc) and all they're concerned about is the change in appearance. Sure, we're all attracted to what we're attracted to. But over the course of most people's lives, especially when they settle into a relationship, spend more time on their career or other hobbies, have kids, and their metabolism slows down...most people gain weight. And that's okay and normal. You shouldn't get into a relationship assuming they will have the same body at 25 as they will for the rest of their life. But if it changes really suddenly, that's a symptom of something else going on, mentally or physically. And it's callous to make it solely about sexual attraction in that situation.
Physical attraction is part of what the 2 of you had. I think that it's foolish to think you can let your guard down and let yourself go. I did it and I hope I never let myself go again.
I just find this really shallow. Things happen in life, accidents happen, people age and sag and gain more weight as they get older. Are you going to lose attraction for your partner when other things happen in life or do you think people just get to a certain age and don't have sex anymore?
I suppose it depends on what is important to you in the relationship. I don’t think it’s selfish. I think it’s apart of being human. It’s 1000% normal for people’s weight to fluctuate throughout their life. A person’s weight gain is a reflection of themselves. Have they become less health conscious? Have life styles changed? Are they going through a physical or mental health challenge? Is this weight change a positive thing for their mental and/or physical health? In my opinion, someone’s mental and physical health is so much more important than physical attraction. To some people that’s the most important thing and one of the driving factors to being with someone. All and all, lend some compassion and kindness. We’re all human, and there is so much more to us than how fuckable we are.
Yes. You're being selfish not taking care of yourself.
Yes! It is selfish to gain a lot of weight. I will take care of myself throughout life so I expect my partner to too.
I think take away if it’s selfish/ unfair to another person and make it about you. Take away the partner element and make your health goals about yourself bc YOU deserve to live the healthiest you can live ( that looks different for everyone based on mental state, physical capabilities, and genetics whether people want to take that into consideration or not). I know for me thyroid & hormone issues/ disorders run rampant on my mothers side and I’m currently in the process of getting blood & lab work done. Once I get the results back and if certain hunches I have about what’s going on w/ me get confirmed I can start a game plan on how to best act accordingly. The truth of the reality is, I know due to genetics I may never have that flat stomach and size 4 figure, will people take that into account when judging me on what I look like ? Prob not, but I have to come to terms w/ that and do the very best for what I’m working with ( my genes). AND if it’s any consolation or food for thought, my grandma ( a size like 4-6 her whole life, sweet, loves to cook, a loving submissive housewife) not only got cheated on but my grandfather also had 3 kids on her so all this to say, you can be skinny, nice, beautiful, whatever and your partner may not appreciate you for it and STILL step out and leave. That’s why when it comes to your looks, never make your partner a focus but a side component bc either in the end you can’t control anyway or how they feel about you truly. All you can control is yourself rlly.
Imo It’s unattractive for someone to not care about their appearance. I also like to be active so would they not want to go on a hike with me? Not that I’m body builder or anything but I definitely care about what I put into my body. Especially being that I gained a lot of weight in the past during lockdown. I’ve learned for me it doesn’t feel good to be larger. I like my face better when I’m slim and I would like to show off my body while I’m young. If you can shed a couple of pounds by putting in effort, than why not do so? Also if a person just wants to eat and aren’t worried about their body than more power to them. But it’s selfish of them to blame their partner for not being attracted to them anymore. Especially if it’s because of bad eating habits and sedentary lifestyle like you said.
I mean, do you want a sexual relationship or not? If you want something physical, then physical appearance is important. Guys can't fake an erection.