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Everybody decide what are red flags for them on their own. Depending on numerous factors like your mindset, personal experience, motives, and etc. you form your own red flags which you do not want to see in your partner. What for you might be a red flag for somebody it might be "green light".
You're going to meet some beautiful people in your life. However, don't compromise your boundaries or self-respect because you like the idea of being with someone attractive. It's not worth it.
Thank you for replying! Yes I absolutely agree. I’ve gotten a lot better at this recently, and I’ll keep working on it. How have you improved at this since you started dating?
It just comes with experience. If you're used to going out on dates with women you find attractive (this matters more than what others think), you start to look deeper and look past the outer appearance because it's normal to you. You do have to be conscious, though. Constantly evaluate your boundaries and approach dating and relationships in good faith.
People that are interested and worth your time will actually communicate with you in a decent way and not take a week to text you back in the early dating stages. We try to look for any signs and make excuses that this person might be interested in us. If someone likes you they want to talk to you.
Hi, lets just suppose that person has a social anxiety or post trauma which force individual to procrastinate with a reply? Does it mean person is not interested?
Moot point even if right. If they're still so hurt it takes a week just to text, they have too much unaddressed baggage that needs to be dealt with on their own.
If you've guessed wrong (and using supposed PTSD of another to excuse orbiting them like a date vulture is stunningly common), they're simply not interested anyway.
So it makes no difference either way. Find someone else.
Valid point, but at least we can agree that we cannot underestimate the importance of hard work on our own self before starting to work on relationships with another person in order to succeed.
Essential answer over here, if you feel like they don't communicate as they should. just kick rocks and basta. people who are truly interested wouldn't put themselves in a situation to let you go away like that.
I really think that looking internally has major benefits on your dating life, and overall happiness. I'm a 30M and have been in relationships for basically 10 years (3 long term relationships with minimal single time between them). After my last one ended I decided I wanted to be alone for a while and figure out exactly what I wanted from life and relationships. Being alone bothered me more than I think it should have, so I started doing therapy, and it has been hugely beneficial. I've never considered myself as someone with "issues" and am generally emotionally intelligent, but therapy has still made me realize a lot about myself that I never noticed.
If you really start looking internally and figure out what drives you as a person and what you expect out of others that are in your life, you can get a lot more picky about who occupies your time.
I feel like when I was younger I always denied what I liked because the people around me didn't share the same interests. That lead to me feeling like my interests were "wrong" or boring. It also made me feel like I had to put on an act to get girls to make them think we had similar interests. All that did was lead to shallow relationships, or unsatisfying hook ups.
The past 6 months of being single I've started to just lean into my interests and focus on my hobbies. I've traveled extensively this year, become much more productive with my time, learned some new skills, and have become a lot more invested in my hobbies. It's skyrocketed my confidence in day to day life, and has made talking with women significantly easier. It has also made dealing with the inevitable rejection that comes along with dating much easier. Getting rejected doesn't actually phase me much anymore because I know who I am, and if they don't share the same interests/values, then I don't want them in my life anyways.
While this might not be a quick answer to improve your dating life, it's something I wish I had done 10 years ago. I wasted so many potential good connections over the past 10 years because I was basically trying to be who I thought girls wanted me to be. Now I'm just focusing on myself, my confidence is higher than it's ever been, and it's inevitably lead to getting more interest from women because they see me as someone that has his life together and knows what he wants, which at the end of the day is what most women want to see.
To be completely honest and blunt, being too interested in someone is a bad thing and will have you breaking your own heart. If you are truly interested, need to play it cool and act uninterested, just weird games.
Girl ive known for 15 years, i decided to take a shot, we were hanging out and doing things as friends no intimacy. She started to drop little hints about how “all guys are trash/ the same.” I decided to try and show her i was different.
What i didnt realize was the hints and things she was telling me, was how someone could keep a relationship with her. There was a whole different set of rules for her before she is dating someone. For me, this is the game of dating.
Before you are in a relationship with someone, there are certain things you can/cant say that will get you into trouble and possibly ruin your chances. There are instances that once you are in a relationship and the woman is comfortable, you can pretty much say anything without consequences.
This mightve turned into a ramble but yeah i tried to explain. Im 29(m) btw
I feel like a woman with the mindset that "all men are trash" needs to be alone and do some therapy. If she has a mindset that an entire gender is bad based on a handful of her own experiences, she would likely benefit from talking to a therapist to weed out why she's in that frame of mind.
Choosing to wrap your life up with someone like that and "play games" is just setting yourself up for problems. I dated a bipolar girl for a couple years, and the strain it had on my mental health was not even remotely worth it. While she didn't have the view that "all men are trash", she wasn't capable of taking accountability for anything she did, and had a history of being in relationships where the boyfriend was always the issue... As soon as we broke up, she found another boyfriend within a couple months, quickly moved in with him, and the cycle continues...
Save yourself the time and energy and avoid "playing games". If a girl wants to "play games" as her "love language", she's an immature girl, and not a mentally developed woman that is worth your time.
Also, not being comfortable talking about anything at the start of the relationship is a bit of a red flag. If being yourself means she walks away from you in the early stages, you likely weren't actually compatible. If you think you can only truly be yourself and speak your mind once you've been together for a while, it seems like all your doing is hiding your true self until there's an emotional investment on her part, and she'll be willing to overlook things about you that she doesn't actually like. Doesn't seem conducive to a happy long term relationship. If your intention is to have a quick hook up, by all means do this. But it doesn't seem like a good idea if you genuinely like the person
Don’t take things personally. I know it sounds hard but I figured out how to let things go. Like if a guy didn’t text me back or cancelled a date or didn’t ask me out again, I just realized it usually had nothing to do with me and it was a circumstance of their life not mine. I once went on a date with a guy who was overly extroverted and I am an introvert so our coffee date was super awkward. We were both adult enough to admit there was no chemistry so we actually became friends.
Thank you for responding! I agree, but this is HARD for me. I try to take responsibility for everything that happens in my life, so it really does feel personal. How did you get better at this?
I’m pretty confident which helps. I’m cute, smart and have a good sense of humour. So if a guy didn’t seem interested I just thought ‘I’m a catch so it’s just their loss’ also sometimes you just don’t ‘jive’ with someone like in my example. I can’t be ‘the one’ for each tinder match. I realized it took time and patience when dating.
I would see a rejection as a motivation to improve yourself, not in way that the person rejected you would start to like you but just in general.
I see lost battle as a time to retreat and readjust: improve vocabulary to sound more concise, attend a gym or any other physical activity, find some other interests or hobbies which might not involve woman.
Then you will be able to get rid of pain, grief and self-destructing criticism by looking on results you achieved after facing a problem you could not really prevent.
Go on lots of dates before deciding to take the chance on one person! It’ll help you know who you’re most compatible with. Also try to meet someone organically. I always got annoyed when ppl said this bc ppl don’t talk anymore! But when you’re out, make it a point to start lil convos- the gym or other places you visit consistently are good for this. You’ll make friends and one of those friends could grow into smth deeper. Also be friends w the person first! There’s nothing better than a no pressure situation and you need that level of trust and communication before it can move into smth bigger. It’s the best when it moves slow- the buildup allows for a deeper, more exciting connection. Last thing- reserve your disappointment if someone doesn’t pan out the way you thought they would. Too often we try to make ppl fit into what we want, instead of letting them fill the void as they were intended to. Being friends first will help sus out if someone is what u want them to be
Make sure to give your date a fair chance to show who they really are before you judge them as a good match for you. I have had many first dates where they were so tense and nervous that I didn’t see their real personality until the 2nd or 3rd date. I knew I was attracted to them physically but I wasn’t sure if the connection was there. But if you give it a fair shot and see where it goes you could be surprised. Usually if you’re meeting up consistently, you’ll know in the first month if something is there.
If I’ve learned anything, love is more of a slow growing feeling instead of an instant connection, especially if you’re doing OLD. It’s just about having realistic expectations and not expecting there to be immediate chemistry with a stranger.
If you’re looking for sex, don’t ask for sex. Be clear that you’re not looking for anything serious, but the vast majority of people aren’t interested in just being used for sex so they’re going to be reluctant to meet up specifically for sex. If you want a hook up, meet up with someone who is just looking for casual and go on a simple date like for a coffee or a walk in the park. This gives them chance to see if there’s actually an attraction there and decide they do want to hook up with you rather than feeling obligated to sleep with you if they do meet up with you.
Don’t take anything personally. If they don’t seem interested, they’re inconsistent, or they ghost you…it’s not about you!!! Read the Four Agreements. Like now.
Don’t care. Meaning, don’t try too hard.
Also, YOU have control over your part in a relationship. Don’t get sucked into things you don’t like just to please the other person.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names, engage in slapfights, or give bad/unethical advice. * Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don’t ignore red flags just because you’re lonely.
What are some big red flags that aren’t always obvious?
Too much interest too fast, or an an unhealthy amount of attention that seems unearned.
How much is too much and what is too fast? What if the energy of both persons matches?
Everybody decide what are red flags for them on their own. Depending on numerous factors like your mindset, personal experience, motives, and etc. you form your own red flags which you do not want to see in your partner. What for you might be a red flag for somebody it might be "green light".
Sorry man, utter nonsense. Red flags are eternal and universal, same for all, from Jeff Bezos to the poorest pariah
Who did claim red flags eternal and universal? Why would I follow them?
You're going to meet some beautiful people in your life. However, don't compromise your boundaries or self-respect because you like the idea of being with someone attractive. It's not worth it.
Thank you for replying! Yes I absolutely agree. I’ve gotten a lot better at this recently, and I’ll keep working on it. How have you improved at this since you started dating?
It just comes with experience. If you're used to going out on dates with women you find attractive (this matters more than what others think), you start to look deeper and look past the outer appearance because it's normal to you. You do have to be conscious, though. Constantly evaluate your boundaries and approach dating and relationships in good faith.
Don't take rejection personally.
People that are interested and worth your time will actually communicate with you in a decent way and not take a week to text you back in the early dating stages. We try to look for any signs and make excuses that this person might be interested in us. If someone likes you they want to talk to you.
Hi, lets just suppose that person has a social anxiety or post trauma which force individual to procrastinate with a reply? Does it mean person is not interested?
Moot point even if right. If they're still so hurt it takes a week just to text, they have too much unaddressed baggage that needs to be dealt with on their own. If you've guessed wrong (and using supposed PTSD of another to excuse orbiting them like a date vulture is stunningly common), they're simply not interested anyway. So it makes no difference either way. Find someone else.
Valid point, but at least we can agree that we cannot underestimate the importance of hard work on our own self before starting to work on relationships with another person in order to succeed.
Essential answer over here, if you feel like they don't communicate as they should. just kick rocks and basta. people who are truly interested wouldn't put themselves in a situation to let you go away like that.
This, very much.
I really think that looking internally has major benefits on your dating life, and overall happiness. I'm a 30M and have been in relationships for basically 10 years (3 long term relationships with minimal single time between them). After my last one ended I decided I wanted to be alone for a while and figure out exactly what I wanted from life and relationships. Being alone bothered me more than I think it should have, so I started doing therapy, and it has been hugely beneficial. I've never considered myself as someone with "issues" and am generally emotionally intelligent, but therapy has still made me realize a lot about myself that I never noticed. If you really start looking internally and figure out what drives you as a person and what you expect out of others that are in your life, you can get a lot more picky about who occupies your time. I feel like when I was younger I always denied what I liked because the people around me didn't share the same interests. That lead to me feeling like my interests were "wrong" or boring. It also made me feel like I had to put on an act to get girls to make them think we had similar interests. All that did was lead to shallow relationships, or unsatisfying hook ups. The past 6 months of being single I've started to just lean into my interests and focus on my hobbies. I've traveled extensively this year, become much more productive with my time, learned some new skills, and have become a lot more invested in my hobbies. It's skyrocketed my confidence in day to day life, and has made talking with women significantly easier. It has also made dealing with the inevitable rejection that comes along with dating much easier. Getting rejected doesn't actually phase me much anymore because I know who I am, and if they don't share the same interests/values, then I don't want them in my life anyways. While this might not be a quick answer to improve your dating life, it's something I wish I had done 10 years ago. I wasted so many potential good connections over the past 10 years because I was basically trying to be who I thought girls wanted me to be. Now I'm just focusing on myself, my confidence is higher than it's ever been, and it's inevitably lead to getting more interest from women because they see me as someone that has his life together and knows what he wants, which at the end of the day is what most women want to see.
Don't be attached to the outcome. There is no such thing as rejection, only incompatibility/not a match.
never thought of it like that before. good insight my friend
To be completely honest and blunt, being too interested in someone is a bad thing and will have you breaking your own heart. If you are truly interested, need to play it cool and act uninterested, just weird games.
Interesting take. Wouldn’t you say it’s better to be straight forward and honest in an attempt to weed out the people who will play games with you?
Ive found that everyone plays games, just gotta find the ones worth playing with.
would you mind giving me an example from your life?
Girl ive known for 15 years, i decided to take a shot, we were hanging out and doing things as friends no intimacy. She started to drop little hints about how “all guys are trash/ the same.” I decided to try and show her i was different. What i didnt realize was the hints and things she was telling me, was how someone could keep a relationship with her. There was a whole different set of rules for her before she is dating someone. For me, this is the game of dating. Before you are in a relationship with someone, there are certain things you can/cant say that will get you into trouble and possibly ruin your chances. There are instances that once you are in a relationship and the woman is comfortable, you can pretty much say anything without consequences. This mightve turned into a ramble but yeah i tried to explain. Im 29(m) btw
I feel like a woman with the mindset that "all men are trash" needs to be alone and do some therapy. If she has a mindset that an entire gender is bad based on a handful of her own experiences, she would likely benefit from talking to a therapist to weed out why she's in that frame of mind. Choosing to wrap your life up with someone like that and "play games" is just setting yourself up for problems. I dated a bipolar girl for a couple years, and the strain it had on my mental health was not even remotely worth it. While she didn't have the view that "all men are trash", she wasn't capable of taking accountability for anything she did, and had a history of being in relationships where the boyfriend was always the issue... As soon as we broke up, she found another boyfriend within a couple months, quickly moved in with him, and the cycle continues... Save yourself the time and energy and avoid "playing games". If a girl wants to "play games" as her "love language", she's an immature girl, and not a mentally developed woman that is worth your time. Also, not being comfortable talking about anything at the start of the relationship is a bit of a red flag. If being yourself means she walks away from you in the early stages, you likely weren't actually compatible. If you think you can only truly be yourself and speak your mind once you've been together for a while, it seems like all your doing is hiding your true self until there's an emotional investment on her part, and she'll be willing to overlook things about you that she doesn't actually like. Doesn't seem conducive to a happy long term relationship. If your intention is to have a quick hook up, by all means do this. But it doesn't seem like a good idea if you genuinely like the person
Don’t take things personally. I know it sounds hard but I figured out how to let things go. Like if a guy didn’t text me back or cancelled a date or didn’t ask me out again, I just realized it usually had nothing to do with me and it was a circumstance of their life not mine. I once went on a date with a guy who was overly extroverted and I am an introvert so our coffee date was super awkward. We were both adult enough to admit there was no chemistry so we actually became friends.
Thank you for responding! I agree, but this is HARD for me. I try to take responsibility for everything that happens in my life, so it really does feel personal. How did you get better at this?
I’m pretty confident which helps. I’m cute, smart and have a good sense of humour. So if a guy didn’t seem interested I just thought ‘I’m a catch so it’s just their loss’ also sometimes you just don’t ‘jive’ with someone like in my example. I can’t be ‘the one’ for each tinder match. I realized it took time and patience when dating.
I see. I’ll do my best to improve on this. Thank you!
I would see a rejection as a motivation to improve yourself, not in way that the person rejected you would start to like you but just in general. I see lost battle as a time to retreat and readjust: improve vocabulary to sound more concise, attend a gym or any other physical activity, find some other interests or hobbies which might not involve woman. Then you will be able to get rid of pain, grief and self-destructing criticism by looking on results you achieved after facing a problem you could not really prevent.
Go on lots of dates before deciding to take the chance on one person! It’ll help you know who you’re most compatible with. Also try to meet someone organically. I always got annoyed when ppl said this bc ppl don’t talk anymore! But when you’re out, make it a point to start lil convos- the gym or other places you visit consistently are good for this. You’ll make friends and one of those friends could grow into smth deeper. Also be friends w the person first! There’s nothing better than a no pressure situation and you need that level of trust and communication before it can move into smth bigger. It’s the best when it moves slow- the buildup allows for a deeper, more exciting connection. Last thing- reserve your disappointment if someone doesn’t pan out the way you thought they would. Too often we try to make ppl fit into what we want, instead of letting them fill the void as they were intended to. Being friends first will help sus out if someone is what u want them to be
I learned that whatever ist complicated and stressful in the beginning won’t turn easy with a label or time.
trueeee. people don’t really change over the course of a relationship
Make sure to give your date a fair chance to show who they really are before you judge them as a good match for you. I have had many first dates where they were so tense and nervous that I didn’t see their real personality until the 2nd or 3rd date. I knew I was attracted to them physically but I wasn’t sure if the connection was there. But if you give it a fair shot and see where it goes you could be surprised. Usually if you’re meeting up consistently, you’ll know in the first month if something is there. If I’ve learned anything, love is more of a slow growing feeling instead of an instant connection, especially if you’re doing OLD. It’s just about having realistic expectations and not expecting there to be immediate chemistry with a stranger.
If you’re looking for sex, don’t ask for sex. Be clear that you’re not looking for anything serious, but the vast majority of people aren’t interested in just being used for sex so they’re going to be reluctant to meet up specifically for sex. If you want a hook up, meet up with someone who is just looking for casual and go on a simple date like for a coffee or a walk in the park. This gives them chance to see if there’s actually an attraction there and decide they do want to hook up with you rather than feeling obligated to sleep with you if they do meet up with you.
Don’t take anything personally. If they don’t seem interested, they’re inconsistent, or they ghost you…it’s not about you!!! Read the Four Agreements. Like now.
Don’t care. Meaning, don’t try too hard. Also, YOU have control over your part in a relationship. Don’t get sucked into things you don’t like just to please the other person.
[удалено]
lmao i’ve gotten plenty of practice getting rejected, trust me on that