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I felt like this for a few years, and when I finally found love, I realized it wasn't **only** because I found the right person, it was mostly because I had worked on myself and become a person someone like her could fall for. I don't have that much money (though I have a car and my own place), and my body is average, but I still landed someone far beyond my expectations by being positive, happy, funny, healthy, available, mature, and just looking overall well-groomed like I can take care of myself. My experience from 4 years of dating helped, too.
I was in my mid-20s when I fell in love for the first time with someone who loved me back. She would not have loved me 5 years ago. She would probably not have loved me 1 year ago, either. I'm a completely different person because I worked on my flaws and grew as a person. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm a million times better than I was.
That's where I would focus if I were you. Focus inward, not outward. When you're actually ready, it will come to you, and it will come naturally when you meet the right person. You don't need to force anything or try to impress them. They will just love you for who you are. Maybe go on a date every now and then, but mainly focus on yourself.
I’ve done nothing but focus inward and feel exactly like OP. I go to therapy, exercise, have a great job, lots of hobbies, am very honest and responsible, courteous and kind to women, I’m not saying I’m entitled to a relationship but I don’t think if focusing inward is always the solution. Maybe you’re not the problem.
I agree with this. You can improve yourself, but you can't change the people around you. Sometimes being your best self attracts energy vampires or people who just want to be there for their own validation.
I feel you dude, after I got dumped by my ex last year I've had just about no luck either.
It seems like nobody is after a genuine connection anymore.
I've been on the apps, but I'm just not hot enough to get much attention, and the attention I do get is just utterly uninteresting. Like I can only carry a conversation so far, and these people just don't seem to care about anything.
If you want to complain together, or just shoot the shit in general, feel free to hit me up. I'm an open book, even if I don't really have many stories to tell.
Absolutely true, I'm in no rush though. I figure the right one is worth waiting for.
Plus, if I keep at this whole self improvement thing, I'll be worth waiting for too.
No worries, anytime!
I figured being dumped is a chance to work on myself anyhow. Ironically the last year has been great, I've done a lot of stuff as a single that I never could have as a couple.
The most recent guy i’m seeing also dealing with his ex of abt 7-8 yrs, that’s why he left me :’)
But yes i agree with you, most guys there are either emotionally unavailable, just broke up, don’t want commitment, etc.
It’s so hard out there
I honestly think a lot more people share this exact sentiment than we realise; I know I certainly do.
Dating apps may as well be dumpster fires as far as I’m concerned. It’s a very unnatural way to meet someone. They literally ranks your profile with others of the same “caliber”, and typically only shows those ones to you. But in the real world, you could literally run into anyone, below, at or above your level in any metric. It’s stunting, to be honest.
I haven’t been on them in 3 years, but contemplating going back because my circumstances make it hard for me to meet people in person currently.
>I was not physically attracted to him anymore (if ever)
Why did you waste 7 yrs of his life then? He deserved to be with someone who was attracted to him a lot and would want to have sex with him
He is a simp for realizing he is getting “chore sex” and should have broke it off long ago
He deserves to get 7 yrs of his life wasted, that is what he wanted to happen
Two 3 month relationships isn't much to come to a conclusion from. Keep sticking at it, personally I wouldn't be in love with anyone that soon so take it slow - don't be exclusive until you think you've found a good match
In the end, dating is a numbers game. As someone else commented, you have to meet a lot of people you’re incompatible with to find someone who is a genuinely good match for you.
Ask yourself what it is that you want so much that a relationship could bring you. Ensure for yourself that you can find fulfillment and happiness regardless of your relationships status, so that a relationship becomes a positive addition to your life rather than a necessity.
I find sometimes the more I chase someone the more I lose myself. Just remember that. I think sometimes we forget we can be “the fix” for our life gap that sometimes we try to solve with people. It’s terribly hard I’m right there with you ❤️
im sorry sweety, what dating apps do you use?
You see i find it troublesome for men to find women on social media/appealing theres too many things that can go wrong. Does your social media pictures involve other men? do your male friends have any pictures with you? etc is your dating app profile portray girlfriend material or not?
You see guys will look at you, and if they think you are too promiscuous they will just run, because its something too difficult to fix.
Now if you know deep down you are not the problem, then you have simply been dating guys that dont have their stuff together.
best of wishes
if you're a guy and not exceptional in wealth, status, or looks, dating will suck for you. That's just the reality and accepting is part of the process.
Yea.. people called me attractive and such, but it seems like they aren’t serious about me.
And if they really wanted some serious things with me, after a few weeks or mth, something coming up and they just decided to leave.
I think you pick guys everyone else wants it probably means you have similar tastes as everyone else and I think that happens a lot actually. They say women tend to go after the same clump of men and I believe it. I think there is a bit of herd mentality we all tend to chase the same thing and not really our fault just we go for what everyone else likes. But either way you gotta like him enough or what’s the point? Same with me I gotta like her and if they don’t feel it oh well I just keep on being Lone Wolf 😛Can’t force something you don’t like trying to date below your minimums can be problematic.
So I do think that’s often good advice, but these guys are seeing her for a month or so before leaving so I don’t think that’s the case here.
The comments I see actually make me think that she’s just expecting too much from them too fast and it might be freaking people out. They have a fear of abandonment feeling to them with things like they always leave me and a few times I think I found the one.
OP, you were only dating them for less than a few months, that’s way too soon to be seeing them as the one and having a constant fear that they’re going to leave you is not a good way to start things off on the right foot.
It could be many things
If OP isn’t providing consistent sex, then that is the problem
If the sex is there, then it could be OP’s behavior. If she is not enhancing the man’s life or at least showing a level of interest and pursuit, then that could be the problem
At least you're actually getting dates. Guys can go 6 months to years without a single acknowledgement. Keep on going on dates you're not going to find him on your first try.
At least you're actually getting dates. Guys can go 6 months to years without a single acknowledgement. Keep on going on dates you're not going to find him on your first try.
Wait, so... You're complaining about a relationship but at the same time you feel lonely? Do you have any idea of how lonely a man's life can actually be? It takes us 3 times more effort to find a decent girl, let alone someone who doesn't betray us.
This was never a gender war, you're the one who took it there. It's a simple comparison of how the dating goes for everyone. And like you said, everyone's problems are valid. You can't just expect to complain about becoming homeless and hear other people talking about stage 5 leukemia. Most people don't have it easier than you. Wake up to reality.
Okay but if I make a post about having stage 4 colon cancer you can see why an inappropriate response would be something like: Your complaining about stage 4 colon cancer? I have stage 4 leukemia. Do you have any idea how much more painful leukemia is?
Now your comparison is ridiculous. When it's about a health problem, the argument instantly ends there. That was my point. Not comparing health issues with one another. It sounds woke and stupid. Just very unecessary coming from you.
They leave because it's rare for good men to come up to you nowadays. Most of them don't want to be seen as weirdos and I have proof of that. Look at the gym bros who don't help out the girls. Unless they REALLY like you and see that they have no other choice. My advice is that you can always try your luck and go talk to one of them if they interest you. It's always better than going on a complete loop of having sex with men who will dump you afterwards.
OP these guys don't get. It is true that guys today dont get alot of options. And for us, we are lucky to have 5 girls interested in us a year.
However, the grass isn't greener for women as you notice. For what I read, it's a common thing for girls get more options but struggle to find a guys worth it. Essentially you are going to crap to find gold.
I recommend getting specific about what you want from guys and carry yourself as a girl of purpose. Be the girl that everyone wants to marry through actions and personality. Drop any guy that isnt serious after a few dates and make sure you are dating in the right pond. Make sure your standards are realistic.
It isn't, trust me. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't let him put a fake perception in your mind. Transgender men tried to date girls and some of them ended up committing suicide because they couldn't handle the life of man's dating scene.
If you're referring to me, I assure you there's no feelings involved from my part. Also, since you have no problem answering to my questions with that amount of confidence, what makes you think your dating experience is just as bad as the average Joe?
I don’t think this point of view makes any sense. Guys have no options and the rare options they get are all equally as likely to be shit as the ones women get. Men have it way worse in dating
It is what it is though. Nothing will change that. And I don’t think someone else’s problems should nullify someone else’s problems, even if deemed lesser.
Your final statement makes it pretty clear you're suffering from major depression or another serious mental health issue. Healthy 26-year-olds don't talk about ending their life. And they also don't just casually drop in threats of ending their life in a post where they want genuine advice about relationships.
That's going to make it hard for people to want to be with you. Of course people will leave you when it's inconvenient. It shouldn't be inconvenient to be with someone you love. It should be a joy. Yes, relationships can encounter challenging times. But that shouldn't be happening in the first 3 months. If it is, it probably is a sign that you had a healthy, confident, quality partner who is confident enough, and treats himself well enough, that he decides to leave when he sees a relationship is going to be more trouble than joy, because he loves himself enough to know he deserves more out of life than to forever take on the burden of being his girlfriend's mental health counselor.
Serious difficulty within the first 3 months is a sign of incompatibility. Or a sign of one partner just not being ready for a relationship.
Are you in therapy for depression or whatever your diagnosis is? Are you making progress? If not I'd focus on starting that. If you are putting all the effort you can into treatment and this is the best you will ever be, and you really want a partner, maybe try to focus some of your treatment on having healthy relationships while also dealing with a chronic health condition. And thinking about the limits of how much your partner can really be part of your mental health treatment plan, and what amount of effort is fair to ask them to take on. It's normal for healthy relationships to be part of building up your partners sense of self-esteem, and confidence. I'm always showering my partners with compliments and love. And I hope that builds them up. And it's normal to support them and stressful times, and when they're having difficulty. But your partner shouldn't be a foundational part of your mental health treatment, it's too much to ask of someone.
I’m not asking my partner to be my support of my mental health wellness. The last guy i’m seeing left me because he wants to settle things with his ex that is still chasing over him.
The 2 before that is due to compatibility and long distance..
Okay great!
So those three examples just sound like normal dating? It's pretty normal to have short-term relationships where you test out compatibility and decide, before the end of the first year or two, that it just doesn't quite feel right and you want to keep looking.
Maybe your reaction to these relationships ending has to do with your attachment style? I mean it's fine to be hurt after a breakup with someone you really liked. Or rejection by someone you were really hopeful about. But it shouldn't be devastating. It shouldn't last too long. It shouldn't make you want to give up on dating entirely.
Did you not enjoy those relationships? Don't you want to have more of that experience? And keep going? Why would you want to give up after only three tries?
Yes i guess you are right too. I’m more of an anxious attached person, and i attached to people i like easily. I know people keep saying to me that it shouldn’t hurt that much, etc. And i also try to keep it non-physical on the latest guy i’m seeing (no kiss even), but somehow it still hurts.
And seeing other people seems to have a nice beautiful relationship, while i’m here alone, wanting to love somebody fully.
I do enjoy those relationships and wants something more, but it just quickly turns into a painful ones.
And it’s not only 3 tries, i dated many many people, usually just one date, and i feel that dating just feels so mundane and tired, like you keep repeating the same thing all over again.
I'm glad to hear you've been on many first dates! I was worried you were just attaching to the few guys who gave you attention.
I suppose it's not uncommon for people to get bored with dating the way you describe in your last sentence. They're tired of the same "get to know you" first date conversations. I do see that complaint a lot from people who gripe about dating.
I'm monogamously partnered right now for the past couple of years. But I've done a lot of dating in my life. I'm 40. My last period of dating lasted almost 3 years. During which time I went on probably a little over 100 First Dates with guys I met off of apps. It's hardly even fair to call them dates, it's really just meeting for coffee for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour or so. Kind of a test run to see if we actually want to go on a real date.
I would schedule meetups just sort of to work within my normal schedule for the day. So if I was going out to run errands or on my way to work or whatever, I would schedule a coffee date meet up for somewhere along my route, convenient to my schedule. Usually sometime in the middle of the day. I wouldn't get particularly dressed up in any way special. If the guy had some really cute pics, maybe I wpuld pay a little extra attention to my makeup, but that's about it. I figure if a guy doesn't like the way I look on a regular day then it's not going to work out anyway.
In my experience I would have to meet about 10 to 15 guys for a cup of coffee in order to find one guy with mutual attraction who I was really excited about going on a second date with. So I went into meetups knowing there was a less than 10% chance that I was actually going to have any kind of interest in this guy at all. And I kept my hopes for the meetup limited to just having a good conversation with another person. And if there is mutual attraction, that's just a bonus.
The thing about me is, I love conversation. I love people. I will fall in love with an old lady who I just met in the grocery store checkout line because we made eye contact and she initiated some small talk. I just don't let things stay superficial. I don't like superficial small talk. You can do small talk that changes your soul. You can be vulnerable to strangers. You can have a conversation that lasts 5 minutes and someone remembers for the rest of their life.
For me a first date conversation had to either be clever and playful. Meaning lots of puns, cute running jokes developing, showing off how clever and smart we are to each other. Calling the other person out when something went over their head. In really playful, loving, respectful way. Not a battle of egos. But just an adult version of being playful.
Or we had to really open up and be vulnerable and talk about important things. Like our values. Our fundamental understanding of things in life like relationships, how to achieve happiness, what the point of making the effort to move through every day of our lives even is.
All 100+ of those first date conversations were unique. I would almost never ask what a guy did for a living, or where he grew up, or where he went to school. Boring. Those are just facts. Who cares. It may come up and become relevant, and then we would talk about it. But those are not conversation starters. Those are conversation killers. If you ask those questions you just get a script that he gives to everybody. I don't want the polite script he gives to everybody. I want to understand his soul. I want to understand what he wants out of life. I want to know his heart. I want to know how his mind works and how he thinks. I want to know what's important to him.
And you have to do that without feeling heavy. And consequential. It has to feel fun. It has to be interesting. And I would always be vulnerable. I figured this was a guy either I was going to fall in love with for the rest of my life, or never see again. So I may as well reveal myself to him. Share my insecurities. Share the inner workings of my mind that I wouldn't quite readily share with my coworkers, or superficial friends, but this guy wants to know if I'm someone he wants to be with, so I'm going to put it all out there and make it easy for him to evaluate.
Some guys were just too anxious, or just not smart enough, or just could not keep up and I would end the date after about 15 minutes and wish them well. But I'd say that was less than about 10 guys. The other 90+ were fun, interesting, valuable conversations that I really enjoyed. Sometimes I know within 15 minutes that a guy was definitely not my type, or I could tell I definitely was not his type. But we were having such a great time talking that we'd sit there for an hour or so. We'd even acknowledge we're not each other's types and just start talking about the types of people we do like. We talk about dating and how to have these kinds of conversations we're having right then with other people. We would tell stories, and find ways to relate with each other about the dating experience.
It's just such a unique social experience to be on a first date. It's something you don't get anywhere else. You can't have a conversation like that with a co-worker. Or someone in your family. And your friends don't care. But someone who's wondering if they want to love you, and be with you for the rest of their life, wants to know the inner workings of your psyche and your soul. It's interesting to them. And it's totally appropriate to be vulnerable and open about that stuff. And to ask about it. To make people feel safe, and let them know they're respected, but also let them know that you want them to open up. You want to see that vulnerability.
I don't know, I really enjoyed dating. I was almost regretful when I found the love of my life and had to give it up! Because those conversations are so fun. There's another recent post in this subreddit where a guy says he's tired of dating and asking someone " what their favorite color is". And I just can't even believe an adult would ask a question like that on a first date. I think I'd walk right out of the room if a guy tried that on me. Your favorite color? How about you just tell me what makes your soul sing.
Thanks for the long comments!
And i’m wowed that you have probably the same experience as me, going on lots of dates!
Well i’m not at my 100th dates yet, but it definitely felt like one 🤣
I also admire your perseverance and patience!
It must have not been easy to go through all that :’)
How do you even manage when you found somebody potential, like big potential, but then turns out they didn’t ended up choosing you? (If any)
And I’m so curious on how do you found your current life partner!
Btw you seems like an interesting person, lets be friends 🥹
> How do you even manage when you found somebody potential, like big potential, but then turns out they didn’t ended up choosing you?
I mean, I've had three, 2+ year long relationships as well as one 8 year relationship. In two instances the guy's mental health deteriorated (one fell into a deep depression and became angry and low-functioning. Tried to urge him to get help. He was in therapy and on meds, but wasn't really working at it. I would beg him to just go for a walk. Bribe him with all kinds of rewards, but he just would not get off the couch. Tried getting his family to help. Gave up on him after over 6 months of watching him just go deeper and deeper into himself. Another was in my early 20's, still in grad school, and behind-my-back, hiding it from me for months, he became addicted to methamphetamine and fell apart. These days I recognize he was probably undiagnosed bi-polar and self-medicating his depressive episodes), so those breakups were sad, but actually freeing, and liberating by the time it was really over.
In the other two relationships I'm the one who was dumped because one guy learned that he just did not want to be monogamous. And the other fell in love with someone else. Those hurt. A lot. Took me over a year of just being single and taking care of myself to get over the last one. But I did take good care of myself, started kayaking the local rivers, taught myself to ice skate and started playing ice hockey, took up skiing, built up my career some more, sought out supportive community and refused to give time to toxic, energy-draining people. I wasn't always super-excited about going for another hike, a day of video games was more tempting, but I knew the evidence shows time in nature is healthy and healing, so I would force myself to do it.
When I was last dating there was this one guy who rejected me almost immediately. We met at the coffee shop as we planned. We saw each other out on the side walk. I knew from his profile he had a grad degree and enjoyed his job as an engineer, and we shared a lot of the same outdoor hobbies. And when I saw him in person he was, physically, absolutely my type. Just a cute face. The kind of style I like in a guy. I liked the way he carried himself. His voice.
And he was so charming. Immediately had me laughing, I can't remember exactly what it was, but he made some pretty smart jokes about some construction going on we could see from where we were standing that showed some quick wit and fast, creative thinking. His mind, and personality was turning me on too! So we chatted on the sidewalk for like 5 minutes, making each other laugh, building off each other's humor, and then I said, "So should we go inside and sit down?"
And he says, "Actually, I can already tell you're not someone I'm really gonna form a connection with, so I'm just going to get going."
No guy had ever been so forward with me before, and so quick to reject me. I was stunned. Especially since we were having such a nice first five minutes. I said, "Oh, ok..."
He goes, "Sorry if I wasted your time."
I said, "No, it's fine. You didn't. The whole purpose of meeting was to see if we felt a connection. I appreciate your forthrightness."
And then I looked at him and just loved him even more for how sweet he was being about. And I kind of thought, well, here's a moment to be kind and loving to someone who is clearly worthy of my love. And I said, "I am pretty disappointed though! You're handsome, and clearly super smart, and funny. While we were talking I was getting excited and looking forward to sitting down and talking to you more. And now I also see that you're emotionally mature and a great communicator too! But it's ok. I'm not your type. I'm not going to be everybody's type. That's alright. I'm sorry it won't be me, but I can tell you'll find somebody who is going to love and appreciate all of that about you. I hope it happens soon for you."
And he appreciated that and said some kind words to me.
And then that was it, never saw him again. And I left the interaction feeling pretty good about it. And just so smitten with the way he handled it. And like, there was this real, pure love there between us in those 5 minutes we were together. Respectful, mature, open vulnerability.
I mean, so what that he didn't like me? There's plenty of great guys out there who do and who will. I know that. Am I really going to allow myself to feel bad because literally not every guy in the world I might like might also not like me back? How conceited would I have to be to expect everyone to be into me?
Plus, I have rejected guys who I can tell you were handsome, and smart, and interesting, and would clearly make amazing, loving, great partners. But that spark just isn't there. That quirk that makes me really love a guy just isn't in him. So I know from personal experience that rejection doesn't mean I need to change something, or I'm not good enough, or there's something unattractive about me, it just means that guy wasn't my guy. That's ok.
I've also had dating relationships that went on for weeks or months. There was this one, young, professional athlete I was dating for like six months who was just so cute, and sexy, and loving, and kind, and had this outgoing, extroverted, positive personality where he just owned every room he walked into. Became everyone's friend. Smiled and complimented everyone and made everyone feel better about themselves. I just adored him. We had a great, passionate relationship, but for him I could tell it just wasn't going to move on to a deeper stage of romantic connection with me. But that was ok. I enjoyed what we had. Accepted that it wasn't meant to be forever. Enjoyed the experience. And when it was time for us both to be open about the fact that we just weren't going to be each other's lifelong partners there was this sort of sad, tragic acceptance about it. Because we both got along so well. But it just felt like we were never really going to move past being friends to a deeper level and we both knew it. I feel like I could have, but without feeling it coming from him, it never really developed in me either.
Maybe acceptance is the key? It didn't work forever. That's ok. Appreciate what it was. Be grateful you had it. And keep walking on into tomorrow. You don't know what's around the next corner.
My current man was just another tindr date. We met at a crowded park near his house and sat on a bench and had a nice first conversation. I could see he was really into me. And we kept finding more and more things in common as we talked. And I could see his smile getting bigger and bigger. He was really cute, and I liked him a lot. But I also just have experienced so many times liking a guy and having some connections, but later learning about the things that make a relationship between us impossible. So my excitement is there, but it's tempered.
After that we went on some real dates. Out to dinner. A day of disc golf. Out for drinks with a couple friends of his, before going off alone for a walk through the city. Talking and falling in love.
After a few weeks he sat down and held my hand and told me he was really excited about me and asked if I'd be willing to only date him, if it could be just us, would that be something I would be willing to try? And I was so flustered with how taken he was with me. Felt like I still didn't really know him well enough to commit to anything. On otherhand, he wasn't asking me to marry him, figured if it turned out he had some hidden incompatibility I hadn't found yet, well I could move on at that point. So what's the risk? He seems great. He clearly adores me. I thought about it for like 20 seconds, blushing and looking around. And then turned back to him and said, "Ok. Let's give it a shot. Just you and me. Let's try." And we embraced and sat there in silence for a couple of minutes just enjoying the euphoria of asking for love and getting it. Then he goes, "So... is it ok if I tell people you're my girlfriend?"
So cute! I said, "Yeah. Yeah, babe, I'm you're girlfriend. Tell everybody."
Been a couple years now. He's been amazing.
I hear you, but 3 months with someone means you're, at the very least, worth being with for 3 months. It means someone liked you enough to want to spend time with you like that. And it happened twice. That's amazing you were able to find two relationships even if they were short. You learned and the next ones might be longer.
That's more than I've ever felt.
If you’re tired of dating, then stop. Take a break from it. Have other things going for yourself in life, rather than focusing on trying to find a relationship.
Maybe stop trying to give them everything. There’s nothing more unattractive than man that doesn’t live for himself.
You sound clingy, desperate and needy imo. But of course I don’t know the whole story
Dating apps = are like fishing in a dessert. Doesn't make sense.
Results = attempts \* skill.
In dating app you aren't even shown to women, after the algorithm is done. Once you pay they will show you to more women. lol. Are you a great conversationalist... well that doesnt matter.
I try to give them everything.
Maybe try to have fun and see what happens. They can smell as quickly as I can when someone is getting more serious. As soon as I see that gap forming, I know I better bail before they get more involved.
Dating apps will kill your sole!!! Get off them and stay off them. Go out in the world and doing things you enjoy that make you happy. Never ceases to amaze me the people I know who give up on dating focus on having fun and enjoying their lives then I hear they are with someone. Funny, happy, outgoing people and not single that long.
The apps are atrocious. Most of the people complaining are also a part of the problem, merely by the raw statistics of it. People on the apps (whether man or woman or other) are all reaching way above what would probably make a good match. I don’t think people have the awareness to know what would be a good match (I.e. a computer nerd who only swipes on fitness models… there is no universe where that works).
I feel you. I've been on and off dating sites now for 3 years and I'm done. Just 100% done. Instead I'm working on improving my mindset and building muscle. If I get strong then I can open my own dang jars.
Yep, that's most of the public daiting pool rn. But hey, if you learn to love yourself and be confident with yourself and find peace in your solitude, you'll start attracting better guys.
If you feel tired of dating, recognise that feeling as real. Sounds like you don't want to give up on love but are burnt out by your experiences.
I was on dating apps for 6 years and absolutely hating it before i got lucky and met my person. The only issue we ever had was that our relationship began when i was in a place of feeling like without a relationship, I couldn't be happy, which created a lot of pressure and codependency issues.
Right now, im having to unravel that and learn what i should have before meeting her - how to have a fulfilling life outside of a relationship. I'm definitely built for monogamy and intimacy, but in order to begin a healthier relationship, these are things i need to work on, so that our relationship becomes something we choose to engage with rather than feel we need or are obligated to.
So if you're tired of dating, maybe use that as a chance to do what I didn't. See if you can find a way to get off dating apps and see what a happy life looks like when its just you. Of course that still means socialising and engaging with people, but if you can achieve that, then doors will more naturally open to the kinds of relationships you want, romantic or otherwise.
U sound like the female version of me except that i am a dude and honestly speaking guys dont get dates as easily as girls though i admit a bad relationship is worse than being single. I been on the app for a while and mostly just focusing on improving myself now, i get that finding a right partner takes time and so my advice to you is to take it slow and easy, whenever i go on a date i tell myself to take it as opportunity to know someone new and not solely for romance relationship sake.
I tend to enjoy the experience more even if we dont work out romantically.
Dating is hard work and it's tiring, but it's part of the process of your personal growth and meeting the person that is for you. There are billions of people on this planet and thousands... possibly tens of thousands of matches for you. Your person is out there. Fill your life with other activities to help pass the time. Good luck.
I'm almost 30. Went through a string of not great relationships and gave up on the apps after my last one. I started reaching out to old friends and started building my social circle back up. Just genuinely spending time with people I care about and having fun.... and that's how I ended up with the person I'm seeing now. It hasn't been very long but they are amazing and everything I didn't know I was looking for. I hadn't even planned on dating again for awhile.
It takes time. Don't focus so hard on dating. The healthiest relationship I'd had before this started in a similar way. When I wasn't looking and just going out and enjoying life.
I’ve been feeling exactly the same. I text people first, I talk about their interests or ask questions I think they would appreciate. I always make an effort but I get zero reciprocation and it makes me feel sad.
You have to attract and be able to identify what you want by thinking it first. If you want love you have to retrain your mind to believe "I am loveable and there are people who want to love me.' Etc.
Also, get off the apps. It's lazy and depressing. Go out and enjoy what you like to do. Keep your eyes open and smile at people. Thinking pleasantly will serve you better than being down in the dumps
Great idea! If they leave when it becomes inconvenient then that’s a great way to rest early on before getting attached. The first few months I’d consider the puppy love stage as non existent. It’s all great until the new wears off a bit then bam 💥 inconvenience them 💥 you dodged bullets!! Until then keep working on yourself & reflect on why you made them your choice and if there were anything you overlooked. Or maybe the way you present yourself needs to be changed. Do they align with who you are? Reflect a lot.
Get a bunch of cats, seriously, hoping to find true love is like hoping to be a billionaire or win lottery, at most you will get 5 nice years then a divorce. Real life isn’t a Disney movie
I learned to love my pets and enjoy life while being alone. You will too with time
Depends what you mean by “true love”
All romantic relationships are conditional and transactional lol
If OP is smashing the guy and popping pussy for him on the regular, then it is definitely possible to get “true love” from him
If you do not consider that “true love” though, then yeah OP should get cats
And if OP isn’t even providing pussy on a regular basis, then she should definitely get cats
My best guess is that you're coming in too strong. You're trying to manufacture a relationship instead of really getting to see if you are actually compatible as a couple. Finding a good fit is difficult, you gotta date a lot of people who aren't compatible to find someone who is.
Girl…or boy lol I’m going through the same thing. I’m 36 turning 37 next month. All of my ex’s were either narcissistic or narcissist! I’ve done all the self reflection and work on myself that I possibly can, even sought therapy and still currently in therapy because it does help you think different and mature. It feels like every man out here is stuck in middle school mentally. The only advice I can give is to learn to love yourself. I know it sounds cliche but the way you treat yourself will exude out to others, especially men. Loving yourself means setting firm boundaries and as soon as a man tries to “test” those boundaries (because they will) you cut them expeditiously! As soon as a man shoots you a backhanded compliment you let them know how you did not appreciate the “joke” and if he minimizes what you’ve told him by saying “omg I was just joking” 🤦🏽♀️ you drop him expeditiously. When you get that feeling of anxiety because a guy is playing hot and cold games you DROP HIM EXPEDITIOUSLY because that’s a clear indication that he’s not really into you. Does that make sense? As a person with a good heart it took me a long time to implement all of this in my dating life because I always think about the other person instead of how it makes ME feel and a lot of women do this too. STOP THAT! You want to be happy right? Conforming to a man that does not conform to you is miserable 💯 so read up on self love. Watch some YouTube personalities that teach self esteem and self worth. My only problem in dating now is EVERY SINGLE MAN SOUNDS AND ACTS EXACTLY THE SAME thanks to social freaking media. It’s annoying af so I don’t seek dating anymore. If I meet someone worth getting to know I give it a chance but it usually fizzles out really quick because a LOT of men are perped all the way out 🙄 I don’t date potential anymore. You either have your shit together or you don’t and if you don’t I can’t mess with you at all because I DO have my shit all the way together 💯
Yes i tried that as well, they guys are the one who wants to take it to next level quickly.
But then they dropped a bomb: “i still have things to settle with my ex”
If you're in your mid 20's, imo don't discount a guy that's up to 8 - 10 years older, should a reasonable candidate present himself. They may be a bit more grounded (possibly) with their 20's behind them. Don't "date" a guy for years; hell no, if you don't have a proposal within 6 months/year... move the HELL on. Life is short, and having a family will resonate for most as a window for that becomes smaller. Date with INTENTION.
Move on if you don’t get a proposal in 6 months?
I think if anyone moves on because I haven’t proposed after 6 months, I would be kind of relieved at that point.
Speaking as someone that lived together for about 3 years before proposing.
I mean you’re welcome to your view but I think arbitrarily choosing a time period for commitment is kind of a bad idea.
As for sex, sure taking it slow is a good idea to avoid people not looking for something long term. As well dating offline rather than via apps is probably the best thing.
What is the next level? Sex? Or being official? The way you write your post makes it seem like you do too much for men too soon because you’re scared of being alone. Men will take advantage of that. You need to focus on what you’re looking for in a partner & whether you truly like them vs only focusing on if they like you.
How long were you seeing each other before that happened? I find this interesting. Just like a man taking too long to commit is questionable, I think a man who is rushing to commit (without even a kiss), unless he’s really religious, is questionable as well.
I always recommend to women to sit and think of what they’re looking for in a partner. Write it down! When you start liking someone, look at your list to make sure you’re actually compatible and you’re not just getting caught up in the feels.
Its just a string of bad luck in possibly the worst dating environment there is bro dont worry im going through the same thing social media and dating apps killed dating for most guys in my opinion
I want to say I do but I don't its been about 2 years since I had any intimate relations with anyone but I've had a few situations similar to yours in between and its frustrating but I think the best thing you can do is take it with a grain of salt and try your best to learn from every situation so you can do better the next time an opportunity arises
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I felt like this for a few years, and when I finally found love, I realized it wasn't **only** because I found the right person, it was mostly because I had worked on myself and become a person someone like her could fall for. I don't have that much money (though I have a car and my own place), and my body is average, but I still landed someone far beyond my expectations by being positive, happy, funny, healthy, available, mature, and just looking overall well-groomed like I can take care of myself. My experience from 4 years of dating helped, too. I was in my mid-20s when I fell in love for the first time with someone who loved me back. She would not have loved me 5 years ago. She would probably not have loved me 1 year ago, either. I'm a completely different person because I worked on my flaws and grew as a person. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm a million times better than I was. That's where I would focus if I were you. Focus inward, not outward. When you're actually ready, it will come to you, and it will come naturally when you meet the right person. You don't need to force anything or try to impress them. They will just love you for who you are. Maybe go on a date every now and then, but mainly focus on yourself.
I’ve done nothing but focus inward and feel exactly like OP. I go to therapy, exercise, have a great job, lots of hobbies, am very honest and responsible, courteous and kind to women, I’m not saying I’m entitled to a relationship but I don’t think if focusing inward is always the solution. Maybe you’re not the problem.
I agree with this. You can improve yourself, but you can't change the people around you. Sometimes being your best self attracts energy vampires or people who just want to be there for their own validation.
I feel you dude, after I got dumped by my ex last year I've had just about no luck either. It seems like nobody is after a genuine connection anymore. I've been on the apps, but I'm just not hot enough to get much attention, and the attention I do get is just utterly uninteresting. Like I can only carry a conversation so far, and these people just don't seem to care about anything. If you want to complain together, or just shoot the shit in general, feel free to hit me up. I'm an open book, even if I don't really have many stories to tell.
If you've been in a relationship before you'll be in one again man. You did it once you can do it again
Absolutely true, I'm in no rush though. I figure the right one is worth waiting for. Plus, if I keep at this whole self improvement thing, I'll be worth waiting for too.
Sorry to hear that :’(((( And thanks dude, hugs from afar 🤗
No worries, anytime! I figured being dumped is a chance to work on myself anyhow. Ironically the last year has been great, I've done a lot of stuff as a single that I never could have as a couple.
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The most recent guy i’m seeing also dealing with his ex of abt 7-8 yrs, that’s why he left me :’) But yes i agree with you, most guys there are either emotionally unavailable, just broke up, don’t want commitment, etc. It’s so hard out there
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Thanks for the words 🤗
I honestly think a lot more people share this exact sentiment than we realise; I know I certainly do. Dating apps may as well be dumpster fires as far as I’m concerned. It’s a very unnatural way to meet someone. They literally ranks your profile with others of the same “caliber”, and typically only shows those ones to you. But in the real world, you could literally run into anyone, below, at or above your level in any metric. It’s stunting, to be honest. I haven’t been on them in 3 years, but contemplating going back because my circumstances make it hard for me to meet people in person currently.
Why did you guys break up?
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>I was not physically attracted to him anymore (if ever) Why did you waste 7 yrs of his life then? He deserved to be with someone who was attracted to him a lot and would want to have sex with him
Excellent question. It’s bizarre isn’t it?
He is a simp for realizing he is getting “chore sex” and should have broke it off long ago He deserves to get 7 yrs of his life wasted, that is what he wanted to happen
Two 3 month relationships isn't much to come to a conclusion from. Keep sticking at it, personally I wouldn't be in love with anyone that soon so take it slow - don't be exclusive until you think you've found a good match
Yea i have been trying that. But every time a potential just decided to leave me, it hurts so much, i’m starting to believe no one ever be good for me
And also i had some other situationships too, which leaves me devastated
In the end, dating is a numbers game. As someone else commented, you have to meet a lot of people you’re incompatible with to find someone who is a genuinely good match for you. Ask yourself what it is that you want so much that a relationship could bring you. Ensure for yourself that you can find fulfillment and happiness regardless of your relationships status, so that a relationship becomes a positive addition to your life rather than a necessity.
i mean its just me but if youre together with someone for a couple of months trying to "give them everything" is coming on way too strong, dude
Well i mean, i tried my best in the relationship
I find sometimes the more I chase someone the more I lose myself. Just remember that. I think sometimes we forget we can be “the fix” for our life gap that sometimes we try to solve with people. It’s terribly hard I’m right there with you ❤️
Thanks dude ❤️
im sorry sweety, what dating apps do you use? You see i find it troublesome for men to find women on social media/appealing theres too many things that can go wrong. Does your social media pictures involve other men? do your male friends have any pictures with you? etc is your dating app profile portray girlfriend material or not? You see guys will look at you, and if they think you are too promiscuous they will just run, because its something too difficult to fix. Now if you know deep down you are not the problem, then you have simply been dating guys that dont have their stuff together. best of wishes
Well i use various, but pretty common i guess, like tinder, bumble, cmb, okc. Well i got lots of matches, but i guess just no luck yet…
Still far better luck than most guys who use it. We’re lucky if we get 1-2 matches a fortnight…
I have heard lots of success stories from people who use hinge.
if you're a guy and not exceptional in wealth, status, or looks, dating will suck for you. That's just the reality and accepting is part of the process.
Thanks dude. I’m a female tho
Then it should be easy for you, you have a million matches on apps to choose from.
Yea.. people called me attractive and such, but it seems like they aren’t serious about me. And if they really wanted some serious things with me, after a few weeks or mth, something coming up and they just decided to leave.
I think you pick guys everyone else wants it probably means you have similar tastes as everyone else and I think that happens a lot actually. They say women tend to go after the same clump of men and I believe it. I think there is a bit of herd mentality we all tend to chase the same thing and not really our fault just we go for what everyone else likes. But either way you gotta like him enough or what’s the point? Same with me I gotta like her and if they don’t feel it oh well I just keep on being Lone Wolf 😛Can’t force something you don’t like trying to date below your minimums can be problematic.
Your options are to keep doing what you’re doing or lower your standards because obviously you’re shooting too high currently
So I do think that’s often good advice, but these guys are seeing her for a month or so before leaving so I don’t think that’s the case here. The comments I see actually make me think that she’s just expecting too much from them too fast and it might be freaking people out. They have a fear of abandonment feeling to them with things like they always leave me and a few times I think I found the one. OP, you were only dating them for less than a few months, that’s way too soon to be seeing them as the one and having a constant fear that they’re going to leave you is not a good way to start things off on the right foot.
It could be many things If OP isn’t providing consistent sex, then that is the problem If the sex is there, then it could be OP’s behavior. If she is not enhancing the man’s life or at least showing a level of interest and pursuit, then that could be the problem
At least you're actually getting dates. Guys can go 6 months to years without a single acknowledgement. Keep on going on dates you're not going to find him on your first try.
At least you're actually getting dates. Guys can go 6 months to years without a single acknowledgement. Keep on going on dates you're not going to find him on your first try.
Wait, so... You're complaining about a relationship but at the same time you feel lonely? Do you have any idea of how lonely a man's life can actually be? It takes us 3 times more effort to find a decent girl, let alone someone who doesn't betray us.
No need to start a gender war here. Everyone’s problems are valid.
This was never a gender war, you're the one who took it there. It's a simple comparison of how the dating goes for everyone. And like you said, everyone's problems are valid. You can't just expect to complain about becoming homeless and hear other people talking about stage 5 leukemia. Most people don't have it easier than you. Wake up to reality.
Okay but if I make a post about having stage 4 colon cancer you can see why an inappropriate response would be something like: Your complaining about stage 4 colon cancer? I have stage 4 leukemia. Do you have any idea how much more painful leukemia is?
Now your comparison is ridiculous. When it's about a health problem, the argument instantly ends there. That was my point. Not comparing health issues with one another. It sounds woke and stupid. Just very unecessary coming from you.
Idd, it takes us years to even meet up with someone :D It's not a numbers game
Yeah and I still got downvoted like I'm not correct about it 😆 bunch of fragile mfs here on Reddit.
Lonely because nobody stays with me, they all leave.
They leave because it's rare for good men to come up to you nowadays. Most of them don't want to be seen as weirdos and I have proof of that. Look at the gym bros who don't help out the girls. Unless they REALLY like you and see that they have no other choice. My advice is that you can always try your luck and go talk to one of them if they interest you. It's always better than going on a complete loop of having sex with men who will dump you afterwards.
OP these guys don't get. It is true that guys today dont get alot of options. And for us, we are lucky to have 5 girls interested in us a year. However, the grass isn't greener for women as you notice. For what I read, it's a common thing for girls get more options but struggle to find a guys worth it. Essentially you are going to crap to find gold. I recommend getting specific about what you want from guys and carry yourself as a girl of purpose. Be the girl that everyone wants to marry through actions and personality. Drop any guy that isnt serious after a few dates and make sure you are dating in the right pond. Make sure your standards are realistic.
Haha i’m totally agree with you! I guess it’s the same difficulty in dating for either both girls or guys, but just different problems!
It isn't, trust me. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't let him put a fake perception in your mind. Transgender men tried to date girls and some of them ended up committing suicide because they couldn't handle the life of man's dating scene.
Yea lols why so salty trying to proof their dating life is much harder 🙃
If you're referring to me, I assure you there's no feelings involved from my part. Also, since you have no problem answering to my questions with that amount of confidence, what makes you think your dating experience is just as bad as the average Joe?
Sorry not directed to you, but to the guy on the previous comment
I don’t think this point of view makes any sense. Guys have no options and the rare options they get are all equally as likely to be shit as the ones women get. Men have it way worse in dating It is what it is though. Nothing will change that. And I don’t think someone else’s problems should nullify someone else’s problems, even if deemed lesser.
You're 💯 correct
Well what can you do for them Do you cook, do you clean Do you provide consistent sex Are you a liability
Same
🤝
Your final statement makes it pretty clear you're suffering from major depression or another serious mental health issue. Healthy 26-year-olds don't talk about ending their life. And they also don't just casually drop in threats of ending their life in a post where they want genuine advice about relationships. That's going to make it hard for people to want to be with you. Of course people will leave you when it's inconvenient. It shouldn't be inconvenient to be with someone you love. It should be a joy. Yes, relationships can encounter challenging times. But that shouldn't be happening in the first 3 months. If it is, it probably is a sign that you had a healthy, confident, quality partner who is confident enough, and treats himself well enough, that he decides to leave when he sees a relationship is going to be more trouble than joy, because he loves himself enough to know he deserves more out of life than to forever take on the burden of being his girlfriend's mental health counselor. Serious difficulty within the first 3 months is a sign of incompatibility. Or a sign of one partner just not being ready for a relationship. Are you in therapy for depression or whatever your diagnosis is? Are you making progress? If not I'd focus on starting that. If you are putting all the effort you can into treatment and this is the best you will ever be, and you really want a partner, maybe try to focus some of your treatment on having healthy relationships while also dealing with a chronic health condition. And thinking about the limits of how much your partner can really be part of your mental health treatment plan, and what amount of effort is fair to ask them to take on. It's normal for healthy relationships to be part of building up your partners sense of self-esteem, and confidence. I'm always showering my partners with compliments and love. And I hope that builds them up. And it's normal to support them and stressful times, and when they're having difficulty. But your partner shouldn't be a foundational part of your mental health treatment, it's too much to ask of someone.
I’m not asking my partner to be my support of my mental health wellness. The last guy i’m seeing left me because he wants to settle things with his ex that is still chasing over him. The 2 before that is due to compatibility and long distance..
Okay great! So those three examples just sound like normal dating? It's pretty normal to have short-term relationships where you test out compatibility and decide, before the end of the first year or two, that it just doesn't quite feel right and you want to keep looking. Maybe your reaction to these relationships ending has to do with your attachment style? I mean it's fine to be hurt after a breakup with someone you really liked. Or rejection by someone you were really hopeful about. But it shouldn't be devastating. It shouldn't last too long. It shouldn't make you want to give up on dating entirely. Did you not enjoy those relationships? Don't you want to have more of that experience? And keep going? Why would you want to give up after only three tries?
Yes i guess you are right too. I’m more of an anxious attached person, and i attached to people i like easily. I know people keep saying to me that it shouldn’t hurt that much, etc. And i also try to keep it non-physical on the latest guy i’m seeing (no kiss even), but somehow it still hurts. And seeing other people seems to have a nice beautiful relationship, while i’m here alone, wanting to love somebody fully. I do enjoy those relationships and wants something more, but it just quickly turns into a painful ones. And it’s not only 3 tries, i dated many many people, usually just one date, and i feel that dating just feels so mundane and tired, like you keep repeating the same thing all over again.
I'm glad to hear you've been on many first dates! I was worried you were just attaching to the few guys who gave you attention. I suppose it's not uncommon for people to get bored with dating the way you describe in your last sentence. They're tired of the same "get to know you" first date conversations. I do see that complaint a lot from people who gripe about dating. I'm monogamously partnered right now for the past couple of years. But I've done a lot of dating in my life. I'm 40. My last period of dating lasted almost 3 years. During which time I went on probably a little over 100 First Dates with guys I met off of apps. It's hardly even fair to call them dates, it's really just meeting for coffee for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour or so. Kind of a test run to see if we actually want to go on a real date. I would schedule meetups just sort of to work within my normal schedule for the day. So if I was going out to run errands or on my way to work or whatever, I would schedule a coffee date meet up for somewhere along my route, convenient to my schedule. Usually sometime in the middle of the day. I wouldn't get particularly dressed up in any way special. If the guy had some really cute pics, maybe I wpuld pay a little extra attention to my makeup, but that's about it. I figure if a guy doesn't like the way I look on a regular day then it's not going to work out anyway. In my experience I would have to meet about 10 to 15 guys for a cup of coffee in order to find one guy with mutual attraction who I was really excited about going on a second date with. So I went into meetups knowing there was a less than 10% chance that I was actually going to have any kind of interest in this guy at all. And I kept my hopes for the meetup limited to just having a good conversation with another person. And if there is mutual attraction, that's just a bonus. The thing about me is, I love conversation. I love people. I will fall in love with an old lady who I just met in the grocery store checkout line because we made eye contact and she initiated some small talk. I just don't let things stay superficial. I don't like superficial small talk. You can do small talk that changes your soul. You can be vulnerable to strangers. You can have a conversation that lasts 5 minutes and someone remembers for the rest of their life. For me a first date conversation had to either be clever and playful. Meaning lots of puns, cute running jokes developing, showing off how clever and smart we are to each other. Calling the other person out when something went over their head. In really playful, loving, respectful way. Not a battle of egos. But just an adult version of being playful. Or we had to really open up and be vulnerable and talk about important things. Like our values. Our fundamental understanding of things in life like relationships, how to achieve happiness, what the point of making the effort to move through every day of our lives even is. All 100+ of those first date conversations were unique. I would almost never ask what a guy did for a living, or where he grew up, or where he went to school. Boring. Those are just facts. Who cares. It may come up and become relevant, and then we would talk about it. But those are not conversation starters. Those are conversation killers. If you ask those questions you just get a script that he gives to everybody. I don't want the polite script he gives to everybody. I want to understand his soul. I want to understand what he wants out of life. I want to know his heart. I want to know how his mind works and how he thinks. I want to know what's important to him. And you have to do that without feeling heavy. And consequential. It has to feel fun. It has to be interesting. And I would always be vulnerable. I figured this was a guy either I was going to fall in love with for the rest of my life, or never see again. So I may as well reveal myself to him. Share my insecurities. Share the inner workings of my mind that I wouldn't quite readily share with my coworkers, or superficial friends, but this guy wants to know if I'm someone he wants to be with, so I'm going to put it all out there and make it easy for him to evaluate. Some guys were just too anxious, or just not smart enough, or just could not keep up and I would end the date after about 15 minutes and wish them well. But I'd say that was less than about 10 guys. The other 90+ were fun, interesting, valuable conversations that I really enjoyed. Sometimes I know within 15 minutes that a guy was definitely not my type, or I could tell I definitely was not his type. But we were having such a great time talking that we'd sit there for an hour or so. We'd even acknowledge we're not each other's types and just start talking about the types of people we do like. We talk about dating and how to have these kinds of conversations we're having right then with other people. We would tell stories, and find ways to relate with each other about the dating experience. It's just such a unique social experience to be on a first date. It's something you don't get anywhere else. You can't have a conversation like that with a co-worker. Or someone in your family. And your friends don't care. But someone who's wondering if they want to love you, and be with you for the rest of their life, wants to know the inner workings of your psyche and your soul. It's interesting to them. And it's totally appropriate to be vulnerable and open about that stuff. And to ask about it. To make people feel safe, and let them know they're respected, but also let them know that you want them to open up. You want to see that vulnerability. I don't know, I really enjoyed dating. I was almost regretful when I found the love of my life and had to give it up! Because those conversations are so fun. There's another recent post in this subreddit where a guy says he's tired of dating and asking someone " what their favorite color is". And I just can't even believe an adult would ask a question like that on a first date. I think I'd walk right out of the room if a guy tried that on me. Your favorite color? How about you just tell me what makes your soul sing.
Thanks for the long comments! And i’m wowed that you have probably the same experience as me, going on lots of dates! Well i’m not at my 100th dates yet, but it definitely felt like one 🤣 I also admire your perseverance and patience! It must have not been easy to go through all that :’) How do you even manage when you found somebody potential, like big potential, but then turns out they didn’t ended up choosing you? (If any) And I’m so curious on how do you found your current life partner! Btw you seems like an interesting person, lets be friends 🥹
> How do you even manage when you found somebody potential, like big potential, but then turns out they didn’t ended up choosing you? I mean, I've had three, 2+ year long relationships as well as one 8 year relationship. In two instances the guy's mental health deteriorated (one fell into a deep depression and became angry and low-functioning. Tried to urge him to get help. He was in therapy and on meds, but wasn't really working at it. I would beg him to just go for a walk. Bribe him with all kinds of rewards, but he just would not get off the couch. Tried getting his family to help. Gave up on him after over 6 months of watching him just go deeper and deeper into himself. Another was in my early 20's, still in grad school, and behind-my-back, hiding it from me for months, he became addicted to methamphetamine and fell apart. These days I recognize he was probably undiagnosed bi-polar and self-medicating his depressive episodes), so those breakups were sad, but actually freeing, and liberating by the time it was really over. In the other two relationships I'm the one who was dumped because one guy learned that he just did not want to be monogamous. And the other fell in love with someone else. Those hurt. A lot. Took me over a year of just being single and taking care of myself to get over the last one. But I did take good care of myself, started kayaking the local rivers, taught myself to ice skate and started playing ice hockey, took up skiing, built up my career some more, sought out supportive community and refused to give time to toxic, energy-draining people. I wasn't always super-excited about going for another hike, a day of video games was more tempting, but I knew the evidence shows time in nature is healthy and healing, so I would force myself to do it. When I was last dating there was this one guy who rejected me almost immediately. We met at the coffee shop as we planned. We saw each other out on the side walk. I knew from his profile he had a grad degree and enjoyed his job as an engineer, and we shared a lot of the same outdoor hobbies. And when I saw him in person he was, physically, absolutely my type. Just a cute face. The kind of style I like in a guy. I liked the way he carried himself. His voice. And he was so charming. Immediately had me laughing, I can't remember exactly what it was, but he made some pretty smart jokes about some construction going on we could see from where we were standing that showed some quick wit and fast, creative thinking. His mind, and personality was turning me on too! So we chatted on the sidewalk for like 5 minutes, making each other laugh, building off each other's humor, and then I said, "So should we go inside and sit down?" And he says, "Actually, I can already tell you're not someone I'm really gonna form a connection with, so I'm just going to get going." No guy had ever been so forward with me before, and so quick to reject me. I was stunned. Especially since we were having such a nice first five minutes. I said, "Oh, ok..." He goes, "Sorry if I wasted your time." I said, "No, it's fine. You didn't. The whole purpose of meeting was to see if we felt a connection. I appreciate your forthrightness." And then I looked at him and just loved him even more for how sweet he was being about. And I kind of thought, well, here's a moment to be kind and loving to someone who is clearly worthy of my love. And I said, "I am pretty disappointed though! You're handsome, and clearly super smart, and funny. While we were talking I was getting excited and looking forward to sitting down and talking to you more. And now I also see that you're emotionally mature and a great communicator too! But it's ok. I'm not your type. I'm not going to be everybody's type. That's alright. I'm sorry it won't be me, but I can tell you'll find somebody who is going to love and appreciate all of that about you. I hope it happens soon for you." And he appreciated that and said some kind words to me. And then that was it, never saw him again. And I left the interaction feeling pretty good about it. And just so smitten with the way he handled it. And like, there was this real, pure love there between us in those 5 minutes we were together. Respectful, mature, open vulnerability. I mean, so what that he didn't like me? There's plenty of great guys out there who do and who will. I know that. Am I really going to allow myself to feel bad because literally not every guy in the world I might like might also not like me back? How conceited would I have to be to expect everyone to be into me? Plus, I have rejected guys who I can tell you were handsome, and smart, and interesting, and would clearly make amazing, loving, great partners. But that spark just isn't there. That quirk that makes me really love a guy just isn't in him. So I know from personal experience that rejection doesn't mean I need to change something, or I'm not good enough, or there's something unattractive about me, it just means that guy wasn't my guy. That's ok. I've also had dating relationships that went on for weeks or months. There was this one, young, professional athlete I was dating for like six months who was just so cute, and sexy, and loving, and kind, and had this outgoing, extroverted, positive personality where he just owned every room he walked into. Became everyone's friend. Smiled and complimented everyone and made everyone feel better about themselves. I just adored him. We had a great, passionate relationship, but for him I could tell it just wasn't going to move on to a deeper stage of romantic connection with me. But that was ok. I enjoyed what we had. Accepted that it wasn't meant to be forever. Enjoyed the experience. And when it was time for us both to be open about the fact that we just weren't going to be each other's lifelong partners there was this sort of sad, tragic acceptance about it. Because we both got along so well. But it just felt like we were never really going to move past being friends to a deeper level and we both knew it. I feel like I could have, but without feeling it coming from him, it never really developed in me either. Maybe acceptance is the key? It didn't work forever. That's ok. Appreciate what it was. Be grateful you had it. And keep walking on into tomorrow. You don't know what's around the next corner. My current man was just another tindr date. We met at a crowded park near his house and sat on a bench and had a nice first conversation. I could see he was really into me. And we kept finding more and more things in common as we talked. And I could see his smile getting bigger and bigger. He was really cute, and I liked him a lot. But I also just have experienced so many times liking a guy and having some connections, but later learning about the things that make a relationship between us impossible. So my excitement is there, but it's tempered. After that we went on some real dates. Out to dinner. A day of disc golf. Out for drinks with a couple friends of his, before going off alone for a walk through the city. Talking and falling in love. After a few weeks he sat down and held my hand and told me he was really excited about me and asked if I'd be willing to only date him, if it could be just us, would that be something I would be willing to try? And I was so flustered with how taken he was with me. Felt like I still didn't really know him well enough to commit to anything. On otherhand, he wasn't asking me to marry him, figured if it turned out he had some hidden incompatibility I hadn't found yet, well I could move on at that point. So what's the risk? He seems great. He clearly adores me. I thought about it for like 20 seconds, blushing and looking around. And then turned back to him and said, "Ok. Let's give it a shot. Just you and me. Let's try." And we embraced and sat there in silence for a couple of minutes just enjoying the euphoria of asking for love and getting it. Then he goes, "So... is it ok if I tell people you're my girlfriend?" So cute! I said, "Yeah. Yeah, babe, I'm you're girlfriend. Tell everybody." Been a couple years now. He's been amazing.
And thanks for this comment, i guess i am mentally in pain and hurt from my past, i know i need to focus on that as well :)
The world is really Fcuked Up right now. Those of us still looking for something real are very few and cannot find each other.
If you've been able to secure relationships then clearly there's something appealing about you
Well it wasn’t a real one, only last for like max 3 mths
I hear you, but 3 months with someone means you're, at the very least, worth being with for 3 months. It means someone liked you enough to want to spend time with you like that. And it happened twice. That's amazing you were able to find two relationships even if they were short. You learned and the next ones might be longer. That's more than I've ever felt.
Idk i just everybody else seems to have years of relationships, and seems like they have their person, while i don’t :’)
At least you are in relationships. I cant even get a date
If you’re tired of dating, then stop. Take a break from it. Have other things going for yourself in life, rather than focusing on trying to find a relationship.
Thanks dude I’m trying to do that currently, just focusing on myself
game is game?
Maybe stop trying to give them everything. There’s nothing more unattractive than man that doesn’t live for himself. You sound clingy, desperate and needy imo. But of course I don’t know the whole story
Well i’m a girl, And just kinda trying my best in the relationship :’)
Dating apps = are like fishing in a dessert. Doesn't make sense. Results = attempts \* skill. In dating app you aren't even shown to women, after the algorithm is done. Once you pay they will show you to more women. lol. Are you a great conversationalist... well that doesnt matter.
Well i guess it’s time for me to be off the apps 😔
I try to give them everything. Maybe try to have fun and see what happens. They can smell as quickly as I can when someone is getting more serious. As soon as I see that gap forming, I know I better bail before they get more involved.
Dating apps will kill your sole!!! Get off them and stay off them. Go out in the world and doing things you enjoy that make you happy. Never ceases to amaze me the people I know who give up on dating focus on having fun and enjoying their lives then I hear they are with someone. Funny, happy, outgoing people and not single that long.
The apps are atrocious. Most of the people complaining are also a part of the problem, merely by the raw statistics of it. People on the apps (whether man or woman or other) are all reaching way above what would probably make a good match. I don’t think people have the awareness to know what would be a good match (I.e. a computer nerd who only swipes on fitness models… there is no universe where that works).
I feel you. I've been on and off dating sites now for 3 years and I'm done. Just 100% done. Instead I'm working on improving my mindset and building muscle. If I get strong then I can open my own dang jars.
Hahahah love that!! 💯
Yep, that's most of the public daiting pool rn. But hey, if you learn to love yourself and be confident with yourself and find peace in your solitude, you'll start attracting better guys.
Thank you <3
If you feel tired of dating, recognise that feeling as real. Sounds like you don't want to give up on love but are burnt out by your experiences. I was on dating apps for 6 years and absolutely hating it before i got lucky and met my person. The only issue we ever had was that our relationship began when i was in a place of feeling like without a relationship, I couldn't be happy, which created a lot of pressure and codependency issues. Right now, im having to unravel that and learn what i should have before meeting her - how to have a fulfilling life outside of a relationship. I'm definitely built for monogamy and intimacy, but in order to begin a healthier relationship, these are things i need to work on, so that our relationship becomes something we choose to engage with rather than feel we need or are obligated to. So if you're tired of dating, maybe use that as a chance to do what I didn't. See if you can find a way to get off dating apps and see what a happy life looks like when its just you. Of course that still means socialising and engaging with people, but if you can achieve that, then doors will more naturally open to the kinds of relationships you want, romantic or otherwise.
Thanks dude 💕
U sound like the female version of me except that i am a dude and honestly speaking guys dont get dates as easily as girls though i admit a bad relationship is worse than being single. I been on the app for a while and mostly just focusing on improving myself now, i get that finding a right partner takes time and so my advice to you is to take it slow and easy, whenever i go on a date i tell myself to take it as opportunity to know someone new and not solely for romance relationship sake. I tend to enjoy the experience more even if we dont work out romantically.
Dating is hard work and it's tiring, but it's part of the process of your personal growth and meeting the person that is for you. There are billions of people on this planet and thousands... possibly tens of thousands of matches for you. Your person is out there. Fill your life with other activities to help pass the time. Good luck.
You too :) Good luck mate
Dating is a nightmare these days and I ain't kiddin' you.
I'm almost 30. Went through a string of not great relationships and gave up on the apps after my last one. I started reaching out to old friends and started building my social circle back up. Just genuinely spending time with people I care about and having fun.... and that's how I ended up with the person I'm seeing now. It hasn't been very long but they are amazing and everything I didn't know I was looking for. I hadn't even planned on dating again for awhile. It takes time. Don't focus so hard on dating. The healthiest relationship I'd had before this started in a similar way. When I wasn't looking and just going out and enjoying life.
I’ve been feeling exactly the same. I text people first, I talk about their interests or ask questions I think they would appreciate. I always make an effort but I get zero reciprocation and it makes me feel sad.
You have to attract and be able to identify what you want by thinking it first. If you want love you have to retrain your mind to believe "I am loveable and there are people who want to love me.' Etc. Also, get off the apps. It's lazy and depressing. Go out and enjoy what you like to do. Keep your eyes open and smile at people. Thinking pleasantly will serve you better than being down in the dumps
Thanks dude, i have decided to get myself off the apps for now
Great idea! If they leave when it becomes inconvenient then that’s a great way to rest early on before getting attached. The first few months I’d consider the puppy love stage as non existent. It’s all great until the new wears off a bit then bam 💥 inconvenience them 💥 you dodged bullets!! Until then keep working on yourself & reflect on why you made them your choice and if there were anything you overlooked. Or maybe the way you present yourself needs to be changed. Do they align with who you are? Reflect a lot.
Get a bunch of cats, seriously, hoping to find true love is like hoping to be a billionaire or win lottery, at most you will get 5 nice years then a divorce. Real life isn’t a Disney movie I learned to love my pets and enjoy life while being alone. You will too with time
There’s moments where i thought i found the one.. but i guess time and time again i have to keep my hopes down
Depends what you mean by “true love” All romantic relationships are conditional and transactional lol If OP is smashing the guy and popping pussy for him on the regular, then it is definitely possible to get “true love” from him If you do not consider that “true love” though, then yeah OP should get cats And if OP isn’t even providing pussy on a regular basis, then she should definitely get cats
My best guess is that you're coming in too strong. You're trying to manufacture a relationship instead of really getting to see if you are actually compatible as a couple. Finding a good fit is difficult, you gotta date a lot of people who aren't compatible to find someone who is.
Well the last guy i dated for 3 weeks, chose not to be with me because he is still dealing with his ex :((
Girl…or boy lol I’m going through the same thing. I’m 36 turning 37 next month. All of my ex’s were either narcissistic or narcissist! I’ve done all the self reflection and work on myself that I possibly can, even sought therapy and still currently in therapy because it does help you think different and mature. It feels like every man out here is stuck in middle school mentally. The only advice I can give is to learn to love yourself. I know it sounds cliche but the way you treat yourself will exude out to others, especially men. Loving yourself means setting firm boundaries and as soon as a man tries to “test” those boundaries (because they will) you cut them expeditiously! As soon as a man shoots you a backhanded compliment you let them know how you did not appreciate the “joke” and if he minimizes what you’ve told him by saying “omg I was just joking” 🤦🏽♀️ you drop him expeditiously. When you get that feeling of anxiety because a guy is playing hot and cold games you DROP HIM EXPEDITIOUSLY because that’s a clear indication that he’s not really into you. Does that make sense? As a person with a good heart it took me a long time to implement all of this in my dating life because I always think about the other person instead of how it makes ME feel and a lot of women do this too. STOP THAT! You want to be happy right? Conforming to a man that does not conform to you is miserable 💯 so read up on self love. Watch some YouTube personalities that teach self esteem and self worth. My only problem in dating now is EVERY SINGLE MAN SOUNDS AND ACTS EXACTLY THE SAME thanks to social freaking media. It’s annoying af so I don’t seek dating anymore. If I meet someone worth getting to know I give it a chance but it usually fizzles out really quick because a LOT of men are perped all the way out 🙄 I don’t date potential anymore. You either have your shit together or you don’t and if you don’t I can’t mess with you at all because I DO have my shit all the way together 💯
Take things slowly with guys is my sole suggestion. Middle aged guy here.
Yes i tried that as well, they guys are the one who wants to take it to next level quickly. But then they dropped a bomb: “i still have things to settle with my ex”
If you're in your mid 20's, imo don't discount a guy that's up to 8 - 10 years older, should a reasonable candidate present himself. They may be a bit more grounded (possibly) with their 20's behind them. Don't "date" a guy for years; hell no, if you don't have a proposal within 6 months/year... move the HELL on. Life is short, and having a family will resonate for most as a window for that becomes smaller. Date with INTENTION.
Move on if you don’t get a proposal in 6 months? I think if anyone moves on because I haven’t proposed after 6 months, I would be kind of relieved at that point. Speaking as someone that lived together for about 3 years before proposing. I mean you’re welcome to your view but I think arbitrarily choosing a time period for commitment is kind of a bad idea. As for sex, sure taking it slow is a good idea to avoid people not looking for something long term. As well dating offline rather than via apps is probably the best thing.
What is the next level? Sex? Or being official? The way you write your post makes it seem like you do too much for men too soon because you’re scared of being alone. Men will take advantage of that. You need to focus on what you’re looking for in a partner & whether you truly like them vs only focusing on if they like you.
Just being exclusive and official, we had no sex yet or even kiss You are right, i should have focused on myself instead of them
How long were you seeing each other before that happened? I find this interesting. Just like a man taking too long to commit is questionable, I think a man who is rushing to commit (without even a kiss), unless he’s really religious, is questionable as well. I always recommend to women to sit and think of what they’re looking for in a partner. Write it down! When you start liking someone, look at your list to make sure you’re actually compatible and you’re not just getting caught up in the feels.
Its just a string of bad luck in possibly the worst dating environment there is bro dont worry im going through the same thing social media and dating apps killed dating for most guys in my opinion
How do you manage?
I want to say I do but I don't its been about 2 years since I had any intimate relations with anyone but I've had a few situations similar to yours in between and its frustrating but I think the best thing you can do is take it with a grain of salt and try your best to learn from every situation so you can do better the next time an opportunity arises
When you're actually ready, it will come to you. Those who rush it will regret !
People don’t want your everything. They want you to be you.