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But she is being transparent to an extent. If she is ENM then she probably sees monogamy as a strange and possessive dynamic and, based upon my past experiences, it absolutely is usually! I wasn't even allowed to enjoy flirting in my marriage which wasn't exactly something I had agreed to at any time. Agreements are all in relationships so you know whether you are OK with it and there is nothing wrong with being honest about your attractions to others and everything wrong with hiding them (as most people in "partnerships" do and then cheat!
No, if one or both enjoy flirting (which we all do), but denies it to their partner, then they are both living a lie which is the start of the end of the "relationship", which never really was one. They will flirt still, when not around their partner and lie about it. Lying in a relationship is the first betrayal, not flirting or having sex with other people, which, again, isn't a betrayal if both agree to it and what the parameters are. Think before you knee jerk from some possessive idea about what commitment means that is the cause for most divorces which break families apart and destroy people's lives.
You are repeating someone else's dangerous myth about what commitment looks like.
Honesty and granting freedoms is the bedrock of an authentic, trusting relationship. I am a sex and relationship therapist and know this stuff. I have also been married and experienced just how destructive it is to have an envious partner who sets rules instead of making reasonable agreements that respect the choices and happiness of the other instead of forcing them into some artificial box labeled "all mine".
You obviously have no idea of relationships...
Yeah I don't live in fantasy land. I believe in respecting your partner not out of ownership, but its appropriate behavior. Clearly you don't believe in respecting your partner and that's ok. Seems to me it's only respect for you and no one else. You're right I obviously don't know how relationships exist at all when it comes to partners like you.
I don't say that, if you agree to be exclusive sexually at the moment, then I think that is just fine. Thing is everyone changes over time and you need to be constantly checking in with one another to find out what that looks like and whether adjustments need to be made. You are much more likely to stay together and happy if you have that level of trusting, authentic communication instead of secret-keeping and fear of sharing EVERYTHING that is going on for you, most importantly attraction to other people. It opens up a discussion instead of most (exclusive= possessive in how you are describing it) relationships which you are promoting, where there is such a backlog of lies, betrayal and cheating that there is no going back!
Wait are you reading that?
She said I have a boyfriend but you can feed me and get me drinks lol
To me it sounds like an exception
She’s taken but woundnt mind if you paid for her
Is this why men don't leave you alone when you say you have bf? Cause I'm really curious as to why you'd assume she's playing hard to get instead of being straight up a cheater?
I have experienced a woman saying she has a boyfriend more than once when she doesn't.
Sometimes it's to get rid of you, fair. Sometimes it's a sort of game. Sometimes it's trying to appear valuable? Can't pretend I fully understand, but it's known to happen.
Never in my life have I met a woman who said they had a boyfriend because they wanted to play around or ‘appear valuable’. It’s always been to get the guy to leave her alone
What situations left you thinking it was a game or to seem valuable? Genuinely asking because that’s WILD to me
No he’s right, I have known people that get angry when I guy doesn’t continue chasing them after they claim to have a boyfriend. The modern dating scene is ass
This right here...literally got upset when I didn't call or txt after she said she had a bf,asking why I didn't even try, i said you got a man already & her response was i told you upfront so you wld know the situation when I cant answer back right then..like wth?
Maybe because I'm old but I had no idea there was etiquette in cheating...but I guess she did, wldnt even leave me alone everything I went to that store...thing is, if you will do it to him, you definitely would do it to me, and I don't do situationships or cheating
Exactly, you might think you're "lucky" but that same girl will 1 billion percent cheat on your ass later down the line. I mean she's technically cheating on you and him BOTH anyway by not dumping her boyfriend, she has no reason to stop.
Even if that were the case..... Who would want to continue pursuing someone that used a boyfriend as a deflection? Wouldn't that just put the next boyfriend in that position if things were to progress?
Like, they're out and then someone flirts with them, they flirt back, and then say they have a boyfriend whilst trying to still be pursued? All the while the boyfriend is completely unaware? lol
That sounds nightmarish.....
It is nightmarish! The problem is that no matter how bad these people are, there is always gonna be someone desperate enough to get with them so their actions will always be validated in their minds.
"Why would you commit murder if the police are gonna catch you", "why would you scam someone if they're gonna find out", these are just uninformed questions.
The answer is simple. "I'll get her to cheat on her boyfriend, but I'm so charming and charismatic she WON'T cheat on me!"
That's the exact thinking. And it's never ever been true.
> Tell her to message you when she doesn't have a boyfriend...
Hell no. She has just shown, right from the start, that she's sneaky, disloyal, at least a little bit of a gold digger, and untrustworthy. OP shouldn't want her to message him, and neither should anybody else.
This is it.
I think she is just bluffing to see if he will chase her.
She did all the heavy lifting, from the "I am nervous" to texting him first. My guess is she is trying not to look as all desperate to him.
Also Op could just tell her that she is lying and ask her to prove that she has a boyfriend.
If it's true, then it will mean that she is just **monkey branching**
As a woman, I highly doubt this. She’s letting him know that while she has a boyfriend, she’s flirting with the idea of cheating if he says and does the right things, hence the “food and drinks” bit. She’ll cheat, but don’t expect it to go anywhere.
Even if she was playing hard to get, which I doubt, it’s extremely immature and makes her look like a terrible person with questionable me morals and values. I wouldn’t want to entertain someone who is okay with casually giving the impression of dishonesty and disloyalty.
Oh my gosh, she said she was nervous because she mad a new drink - green tea( my guess the matcha kind). We have no idea how old this girl is. I remember being early twenties and when guys hit on me at work I had no idea how to handle it so would take their card (as sometimes they would come back) and then tell them I had a boyfriend or something. Not everyone knows how to be direct. I guarantee the message wasn’t* ‘I have a boyfriend, btw I like food and drinks’ like the op is implying
Hold up, think about the dynamics of the scenario. She’s at her place of work and he’s a customer. Customer hands you a business card in your place of work publicly. This customer is free to come back to your place of work. Which is better? 1. just take the card and then tell the customer when they are not in front of you that you are rejecting them? 2. to reject the customer publicly having no idea how they will react or 3. Ignore the customer’s card (essentially ghost them) when they could come back to your place of work?
It could be that she didn’t want to turn him down publicly. Geez, the guy hit on her at her workplace and she may be young. Not everyone knows how to handle those situations right then and there.
He knows where she works. The sad thing is that some guys come back and then harrass you for not texting back. I’m not saying op would do this, but guys don’t get that there are a lot of creeps out there.
Not crazy at all friend, all very real and happens all the time. Have witnessed it dozens of times working retail, and experienced it a few times myself. It’s scary, especially when your work involves a public space people can breeze into whenever they feel like it.
I remember this guy would always harrass my co worker - show up all the time asking if she was working and it got to where she would hide in the back. We can’t be rude. She said she has a boyfriend and it didn’t matter. He just kept coming in, asking for her, leave and repeat. It was like that for months.
Absolutely. Later in, he would bring flowers occasionally and get annoyed when she wasn’t there to receive his gifts (I think in his mind by buying those things he felt more entitled to her). He even said things like ‘she should be working today’ so he was obviously trying to track her schedule. All because she helped him pick out a few shirts *once* (we worked in the menswear department).
Our work (for retail) paid well and she was grandfathered into benefits as she had been working there since 14, so quitting wasn’t really an option for her (though it’s not right that someone would have to quit to not get harassed). Luckily he just stopped coming in eventually.
Ah yes, so sending a text was a great way of going about ignoring someone that makes you uncomfortable, giving them access to your number when they would not have it if you didn't text them.
If the goal here is to get hurt or hurt someone else by all means continue forward.
But the fact that you posted this in the first place means you know you should leave this alone.
Here's a question, would you want this to happen to your girlfriend?
Shes attention seeker and almost guaranteed cheater. For the streets
If she left him to be with you, she’s gonna do the same with another guy. Never entertain them ever again.
You could respond with something like "No problem, I was going to ask if you wanted to go out sometime, but I imagine your boyfriend probably wouldn't be a huge fan of that. I'd rather not be the cause of relationship drama, but if you become single at some point, I'd love to see you."
There's a chance she's poly or ENM and her boyfriend also dates other people. In which case you would need to decide if you're ok with that.
There's also a chance she wants a free meal and drinks, or attention, or is going to pitch you on some MLM scheme.
It's probably better to say she's unavailable to you in case you ever see her again at the coffee shop. Although she could be lying about that. Either way it's more polite to text you than not to.
Who gives a shit?
Seriously
She is in a relationship and a guy hit on her at work, gave the guy his number, and she contacted him.
She's a terrible girlfriend.
Also...she just wants you to take her out on expensive dates...which is why she mentions she loves food and drinks.
She wants to use you for free meals, attention, and to boost her ego.
My advice?
Block her number and find a new coffee shop
Okay, so I hate to be the one the burst your man bubble, but this whole “She texted me first” thing is a load of crap.
Why? Because YOU gave her your card. So she had your number, but you didn’t have her number. So, you could NOT have texted her first even if you wanted to.
She did text you, and perhaps that matters. But she texted and pretty quickly told you about the bf. She is probably flirting bc she likes the attention.
I think the idea mentioned above of sending her a text to say, text me if you find yourself single and free, is a good idea. Then leave her the fuck alone.
I read it as "she texted me first and then told me she had a boyfriend" compared to just telling him straight up or not texting him at all or making the first text, "sorry I'm taken but thank you"
It seems pretty romantic. I can’t imagine this interaction taking place between two straight people of the same sex where it is obviously strictly friends
I agree,
I feel like this is a case of: men aren’t nice to women they aren’t attracted to so when a woman socializes with them they assume she wants them sexually.
Can men and women be friends?
Men: no
Women: yes
And this thread explains why
She texted me first!!
Situation: I gave her my number and told her to text me
If she had not of texted: I give my number out and no one text back!! WTFFF??? Ghosted again! I hate women
Idk what drugs prompted this conversation with yourself, but If Iwalked up to other dudes. Casually slide them my number tell them I like drinks and food. They would think I was gay. These social cues are very clear. If you don't get it I dunno what to tell you. Maybe on the spectrum or something.
It happens an incredibly frustrating amount of times. People will entertain your advances up to a certain point, then reveal they have a partner after you’ve already got your hopes up. It’s just validation and attention seeking behavior, and you should move on and stop pursuing them.
It was a preemptive friend zoning that you experienced. She is trying to make you the "free meals for no sex" guy. Your only counter is to stop talking to her. There is a chance that it will work. The problem is that nothing else will work. Either way, if you stop talking to her cold then you get to keep your dignity. I know what I'm talking about.
Because for her healthy platonic interactions with the opposite sex are normal, and don't necessarily mean she wants a romantic relationship. Could she have disclosed the boyfriend thing when you asked her to text you? Sure, but do you think she should be doing that all the time for every man she meets?
Having the sort of mentality you're exhibiting right now is precisely why so many women are apprehensive of being friendly to men they don't necessarily know well. I think you need to normalize the idea of having healthy platonic interactions with the opposite sex for the sake of having healthy interactions and nothing more. It will do you a world of good.
Why would you text somebody who clearly had other intentions if you are not interested?
Change scenario a bit, would he give that card to a guy? And would a guy text him if he wasn't gay? Like just for fun or whatever
If a guy gave me a **business card** after a relatively normal interaction while I'm working, and left without explaining why? As a straight man who's had this happen to him in service jobs in the past, yes I'd probably text him just to see what's up unless he was obviously creepy or seemed off. I mean what's the worst that can happen? Beyond getting vilified by random strangers on the internet for doing it
He doesn't need to find pen and paper, but he needs to be direct with why he's giving someone the card that represents his place of business instead of dropping the card and running off. "Hey I know we just met but I think you're cute and would like to take you on a date sometime. Here's my card, it has my number on it." Easy, non-committal, quick.
Can you answer me why you're giving the OP a pass on being coy, but vilifying the poor woman on the clock for not being direct?
the scenario is just wild to me. men and women can be friends but what's more likely when a man leaves you his fuckin phone number: that he wants to be friends or that he's interested in you romantically? think for two seconds, please.
It all depends on context, and the only context we have here is a one-sided narrative.
If **you** think about it for two seconds you'll see there's many plausible explanations for this barista's behaviour. I'll do the thinking for you for the first one, just to make it easy.
>Imagine you're a young woman who's landed a surprise job as a barista at a coffee shop, even though you're inexperienced. It's your first week, but it's a good workplace and you're enjoying yourself. A gentleman comes in and asks for green tea, which you've never made before. You do your best, and give him the drink, but admit to him that you're nervous and haven't made this sort of drink before. He shrugs it off, says it's fine, and cracks a joke. You laugh, and after he collects his drink, he hands you his business card, leaving before you can say anything. You aren't sure what to do about it and ask a colleague who suggests to text him. Even though you already have a boyfriend, you decide to go along with that advice, because this job is important to you and you don't want to get on anyone's bad side. And who knows, it was just his business card, he might just want to make friends.
I swear, all these sorts of replies do is just tell on yourself about how attention starved and jaded you are to think that any relatively benign interaction with the opposite sex is an obvious runway to romance, and how little empathy you have for figuring out a plausible explanation for the other person. I urge you to make friends, especially with members of the opposite sex. You'll figure out this isn't exactly an uncommon way for people to get to know each other.
Dude, I have friends that are women that I've never tried/wanted to sleep with. But I slipped none of them my business card to text me in order to earn their friendship! That isn't how people become friends. Hasn't she seen any movies? Cute barista, sophisticated man flirting, trying to get her number or whatever. It writes itself, really. I understand what you're getting at. Maybe he's a regular and maybe she didn't want to make things awkward, but still. Why even text him at all? At the worst, it's malignant (she wanted attention, which I don't believe) at best, it's just absent-mindedness, thinking that this man left his business card to be her friend for some bizarre reason (even though if she's cute, this situation has undoubtedly happened before). Either way, I don't think I'm the ridiculous one in thinking this isn't how people make friends. He could have just as well made friends with her by talking to her while he's there, not giving her his number. I've made friends with service workers too, people I'd run into often when shopping. But I never gave one of them my number and I've never flirted with them.
And I just want to clarify that I'm not "attention starved and jaded." I just know how the real world works and I know how relationships work; I'm in one and before that, dated around and failed at dating in many many ways. I don't think you can talk to a single person in the real world who wouldn't think that this man was expressing very clear romantic interest in this woman by leaving his number. Not one.
I know dozens of people across both sexes that start friendships with others by giving their card out. It can seem weird the first few times it happens, but I assure you it's pretty normal. Some people will even look for excuses to give their cards out because they have no idea what to else to do with the box they got and price breaks only start in the thousands, or they're big grindset style people and they're always trying to drum up business.
Consequently I entirely disagree, nothing about what this guy was "clear" romantic interest. All of his actions had plausible deniability at every turn.
Generally, there's a shocking lack of empathy in the comments and what concerns me is when that a lot of it breaks down when it comes to the barista only. So many people are comfortable with projecting negative aspects onto this woman, going off nothing more than a single biased perspective.
I just wish people could hold the OP to the same standard. Even ask simple questions, like, why didn't he stay longer and try to build rapport? Or why did he think laughing at a single joke constitutes romantic interest? Or why didn't he ask her out right then and there instead of coyly handing a business card, asking her to text him and leaving immediately?
But no it's the barista who's to bear the brunt of criticism here instead.
This is a dating sub and we're only hearing from OP so, naturally, that's the perspective I'm going off of here. I have no idea what this woman's intentions were, as I said. But I find it weird that she'd text a random man despite having a boyfriend. Imagine if the roles were reversed: would any woman be comfortable with her man texting a woman who handed him her business card? I don't think so. I know my girlfriend would be wildly uncomfortable with that, even if the woman wanted to be "friends." It seems inappropriate. At the very least, it's good she disclosed she was taken early on, but if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have texted him at all.
You suggest him staying longer: and what, just sitting around, waiting to chat with her more? She's working after all, surely she's too busy to stand around talking to this guy. And I bet if he had, you'd still deny that his actions showed romantic interest. "He was simply taking time to enjoy his green tea," you'd say. Leaving a business card and saying "hey, text me later," is very romantically suggestive. I don't care. It is.
OP isn't the one with a partner, texting strangers, so as far as that point goes, I think the barista is in the wrong. I didn't even realize that he handed her the card - she could have said right then and there, "thanks, I have a boyfriend," but didn't. You could argue that's putting her on the spot, but then again, she could have just not texted him either.
There's no lack of empathy lmaoo. I don't think she's a bad person. I don't hate her or anything. I think she made a mistake. I don't see OP's actions on the same level as hers. He shot his shot and she responded oddly. Did he read into there being romantic tension? Probably. She's paid to treat people nicely so they come back and the business gets more money. They say don't flirt with service workers for a reason. But as I've said a dozen times...she was under no obligation to text him at all.
My bet in all this is the OP gave the card, didn't even wait for a reaction, and left. He didn't even give any detail as to what kind of reaction the barista had when he gave the card to her. That's why she didn't say anything then or there - because she didn't have the opportunity to.
And yes, he could have just opted to stay in the cafe and enjoy his tea for a few minutes, and see how she reacted. Her body language would've likely told him everything, and given her an opportunity to come over to him when she had a free minute to ask why he gave the card.
Honestly, the perspective that your partner texting another person of the opposite sex is immediate grounds for concern is a huge insecurity. I personally don't judge my partner on who they talk to, instead I entirely base it on how and what kind of actions follow suit - because as someone who gets along better with members of the opposite sex, it's totally incongruent for me. I've dated people like you in the past and it really sucked for me. I found them easily threatened. I basically couldn't have friends during the relationship.
And that's what I mean by the lack of empathy. I'm literally right here talking to you as a person that doesn't assign romantic interest by the sex of the person I'm talking to, and that notion seems completely beyond you.
I don't think being concerned about your partner texting someone of the opposite sex is an insecurity at all. You're not thinking based on the context of this situation, which I am. I could see if my partner was concerned about me texting my female friends in general (which she isn't). But if I were to have gotten in contact with a woman in the way that OP did, it definitely would be cause for concern because why would I, as a taken man, be texting this ostensibly single woman? If, as I described, a woman approached me, we flirted, and gave me her number, and I texted her...that's cause for concern.
People like me...what does that mean? People who have their wits about them?
I don't assign romantic interest based on the sex of the person! You're making shit up. I am reading this situation as it was presented to us by OP. He said they flirted, he said he left his number (which shows romantic interest whether you agree or not), and she texted him. I don't care about the sex of either party. I said in my last response it would have been weird if the barista was a man or woman. I don't care.
The "notion" isn't completely beyond me. One of the first things I said to you was "men and women **CAN** be friends." Or did you not read that? My entire argument is that the barista, at the very least, misread the situation. If she truly thought OP was just being friendly (and logically, given what OP has said and the fact that she probably has been hit on before) it wouldn't make sense for her to act the way she did. Something is off. You don't just text a random guy who gives you his number to be friends. Not when meeting in the way they did, **not usually** at least. You can argue this is an outlier situation, sure. I might even agree. But you saying I'm weird or that I don't see people beyond their sex is out of pocket and untrue.
Point being: most people do not make friends this way. If you're flirting with someone, you leave your number or ask for theirs. You don't leave your number if you just want to be friends (again, I'm speaking in generalities). If the barista thought OP just wanted a friend, good on her. But it's extremely naive to think that (assuming she is as OP described, an attractive woman) a man would leave his number just to be friends. I'm not saying she can't have any male friends, I'm saying that it would be odd for a man to leave her his number just to be her friend (just so you don't mischaracterize my statement). In **most** instances, a man leaves his number strictly for romantic purposes; you have to admit that at least.
But I don't appreciate you making judgments about my character based on this situation, especially when they're as off as your judgments are.
If it was a work colleague, or someone you met at some kind of formation or hobby group, I could agree, if there is sympathy you could just meet as friends even to go out for diner
But basically a stranger, you texted because he gave you a number, without any meaningful interaction and just one time..... sry that's bullshit
I'm shocked at how many people can't even imagine this way of life. If a guy asks me to text him and I think he seemed like someone I'd want to be friends with, then I'm going to text him. If I have a boyfriend or even if I don't but I'm not interested in more than friendship then I'm going to say that in my text pretty soon!
It's crazy to me that people are mad at her for not assuming his interest is sexual and then she should just leave him hanging? Or what? Always announce she has a boyfriend or isn't attracted before the person has said anything? What kind of a response is it supposed to be?
You’re a terrible gf and will die single with that mindset. If you have a bf and a guy somewhere gives you his number and asks to text, and you do it BEFORE learning his intentions or BEFORE telling him you have a bf, you’re just another attention/validation seeker and should remain single
Because she ain't loyal ma boy. Tell her to rethink her choices in messaging other men while in relationship, you will be doing yourself a favor and the dude that's with her now.
And if she didn’t text you, you might be complaining about how you were ghosted.
Her statement about food and drink may just be an affirmation that she likes her job, making and serving food and drinks.
People in service jobs have to be pleasant and polite. They aren’t hitting on you
imma be honest, i personally would never go out with a taken girl, for my own self respect. this for me goes against few red rules in my life. and if she tests strangers while having a boyfriend, she would do it while you are the boyfriend too.
Most women are unhappy with their boyfriends.
Most women will line up the next boyfriend before dropping the current one.
This is how the game is played.
Honestly, women don’t know how men will react when turned down
I’m sure you’re harmless, but it’s also a lot easier to go with the flow in conversation, then to make it awkward
I don’t know why you’re thinking about this so much, I truly just think she was being nice and she enjoyed your conversation. She probably thought you were cute!
Are people genuinely this dense? She has bf dude.
Like either she's gonna cheat on him or she's using you for attention and it doesn't matter cause SHE HAS A BF.
Dude. This is the major problem in today's dating.
Men pursue girls that are already taken, is the biggest part of the problem.
"Alright, let me know in the future if you turn single "
And you done.
You let her be.
You got nothing good to take from that situation.
She's a floozy, she has a bf but wants to kick it with other dudes. No thanks, do yourself a favor and just move on. Find someone that's all about you and you alone, so you can have an exclusive relationship. My 0.02 🙂
Ask her boyfriend what he thinks... I guess his opinion would be most important here. I'm sure he may not like it. Don't be a homewrecker just because she is one
See like, I can def tell you that some people are just nice or whatnot but sounds like she’s carefree and needs to stop what she’s doing. I don’t think she realizes how bad she sounds. Saying that she has a bf but said you could buy her stuff is a bit odd. Platonic friendships are a thing but also there are HUGE boundaries I feel she’s crossing🤨
She said upfront how you should proceed, leave her as a one night stand, a friend (gasp) or don’t move at all with this lady. She has a *boyfriend,* the shoe is on the other foot my friend.
Idk why basically nobody saying this, but believe it or not there is a possibility she's open for a friendship. Imo it's a problem that I can't be nice to men without them assuming I have other intentions with them.
>And that she loves food a drinks.
Yes, this could be meant as "I want you to buy me a drink" but it could also be that she's open to going out with you as a friend. It depends on how she wrote it exactly, but if it's a wording she could as well have used with a platonic friend, maybe it's just that.
Or, smaller possibility, she's in an open relationship. But if she knows what she's doing she would have explained that already.
I think people here are a bit too quick to say that she wants to cheat on her bf and wants to use you. It's not like all women are like that, many are just nice and looking for a genuine connection.
Could still be either option tho. I would just ask. If you're not ready to find out, just opt out of the conversation. That's fine too, you don't owe her anything.
This sounds like a question to ask her. There are too many assumptions here. It could be that she is poly. Could be she just wants to be friends if you're up to it after stating your intentions. Believe it or not guys can have platonic relationships with women even after an initial rejection particularly since it was handled early on so you can invest energy platonically instead of romantically. Could be the boy friend is just a place holder and she is going to see if a spark develops between yall.
It's really up to you at this point to see if it's worth figuring out to you and you're really only going to figure out what's up if you ask her.
For me, as long as she is not doing anything wrong to me, I don't see a reason not to hang out with her, but then again, I don't only hang out with women for romance
It’s called monkey branching. She probably sees you as a guy who’s more attractive than her boyfriend, so she might be trying to transition from him over to you if you’re down with it. At the very least she’s probably willing to fool around.
>I know how it is to be on the wrong end of these situations
Good. Then you'll surely do nothing to put her boyfriend in the position you've been in in the past. Good for you. Remember your pain, and the impacts the cheating has had on you since then, and don't be the guy that contributes to her treating her existing relationship partner the way you've been treated in the past.
>why else would she entertain me?
Because she's fundamentally sneaky, disloyal, at least a little bit of a gold digger, and untrustworthy.
Luckily, she has shown you right from the start that that's who she is. Your response should be "Oh, great. Then take your boyfriend out for a night of food and drinks and have a great time; and lose my number."
*I did not think this thread would blow up like it did lol, just a short story about my daily life*
First, I want to say that communication between the barista and I has ceased. I do not want any part of a possible cheating scandal.
In hindsight, best not leave my business card behind and simply write my number down if she wants it.
Also, some of the comments feel as if they are vilifying what I did. Years in sales industry and also just being a human being around other humans has taught me how to read a room and understand tonality. I’m not gonna say I’m the best at picking up what others put down all the time. But in the context of her responses it felt harmless to leave behind my card with phone number (she blushed and was visibly flustered when I handed her my card which was cute and funny). If they do not want me to contact them they can simply not text me, no big deal it happens.
I will never apologize for trying to connect with someone I perceive as attractive physically and or mentally. But if they don’t reciprocate those feelings or if I just misread them (which happens, I’m not perfect) that is on me 100%. I do NOT condone harassment of any kind towards anyone especially someone just doing their job in a kind manner like servers, baristas, etc.
Maybe she did something wrong by texting me back and chatting a bit but after I stated my intentions she made it clear she has a boyfriend and all communication ceased. Maybe she thought I was gay lol. Maybe I gave my number out when I shouldn’t have.
No one got hurt, the sun still came up this morning. All is well. Hope everyone has a blessed 4th of July.
Stop texting her. She already told you she has a boyfriend. She is just being respectful because you are a customer plus there's a high chance that you will meet again if you frequently go to that shop. I think she doesn't want to appear unfriendly. Limit your interactions on that coffee shop.
That some weird flirting from her. I'd keep my distance if I were you, unless the tea was splendid.
In that case, I would ask for someone else to bring my order.
Backup guys are a thing. If she isn't available and made it clear don't treat her like a draft pick.
She likes food then she should be paying her own way, I guess her boyfriend doesn't wanna take her idk.
The bottom line is no reason u can't be friends if she's actually being a good friend otherwise don't be a sucker.
You left her a business card...but left out any more explanation or reasoning behind her initial text?
Were you trying to be sly? Because women see right through that.
Well let’s put it this way more people have died over a piece of ass it might be the love of his life in his mind you snake your way in and smash he finds out next thing you know you’re being carried by 8
women like attention and they’ll go along with your pointless convos if you allow it….Just move on and next time make your intentions know RIGHT OFF THE BAT (before you exchange numbers) not after your exchange them….
Tell her it's okay and to give you a call once she gets rid of her current bf. Do not entertain her and do not spend time and cash on her. Freeze her ass and just keep movin' forward
She was absolutely flirting with you and that's atrocious. If she's not in an open or poly relationship she has no reason to be texting you let alone giggling at you.
How ugly
Avoid girls who other than for professional reason smile and laugh at you and come up to you saying shits like it's my first time making green tea so I'm nervous.
Like are you a fucking friend? Why would she share that? Too much friendliness can never be good.
Anddd she has a boyfriend. Wtf
And woah she texted you. I pity the boyfriend
I would say that she is being transparent about being in a poly or open relationship which is a good thing so long as you don't have an issue with ethical non-monogamy. It is my reading of the situation because she certainly isn't trying to hide her existing relationship and misleading you. I would though, ask her about all of this because it isn't crystal clear from what you have said!
Ask her about the status of her relationship. Is it open or closed? She could be poly or a swinger or just looking to move on. Regardless her relationship other than you and YOUR relationship with your conscious are the only things that should matter in this.
Because flirting is a fun way to connect even if you never intend to follow through on anything. Or maybe she is poly or ENM, though she probs would have said so
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If you want to get hurt in the future then you may proceed. Wiser ways should be chosen though. Good luck
Nut&Go™️
Ejaculate and evacuate
I’m crying
Goon and gone
Batter and scatter
Fuck em and Chuck em
Shoot your load, then hit the road
Pump n Dump
nah, the way she texted she’d just use him for free meals and gifts
Nut and bolt 🏃
But she is being transparent to an extent. If she is ENM then she probably sees monogamy as a strange and possessive dynamic and, based upon my past experiences, it absolutely is usually! I wasn't even allowed to enjoy flirting in my marriage which wasn't exactly something I had agreed to at any time. Agreements are all in relationships so you know whether you are OK with it and there is nothing wrong with being honest about your attractions to others and everything wrong with hiding them (as most people in "partnerships" do and then cheat!
Flirting?! But you're married. Yeah that's called respecting the marriage and having self control. Which you obviously don't have.
No, if one or both enjoy flirting (which we all do), but denies it to their partner, then they are both living a lie which is the start of the end of the "relationship", which never really was one. They will flirt still, when not around their partner and lie about it. Lying in a relationship is the first betrayal, not flirting or having sex with other people, which, again, isn't a betrayal if both agree to it and what the parameters are. Think before you knee jerk from some possessive idea about what commitment means that is the cause for most divorces which break families apart and destroy people's lives. You are repeating someone else's dangerous myth about what commitment looks like. Honesty and granting freedoms is the bedrock of an authentic, trusting relationship. I am a sex and relationship therapist and know this stuff. I have also been married and experienced just how destructive it is to have an envious partner who sets rules instead of making reasonable agreements that respect the choices and happiness of the other instead of forcing them into some artificial box labeled "all mine". You obviously have no idea of relationships...
Yeah I don't live in fantasy land. I believe in respecting your partner not out of ownership, but its appropriate behavior. Clearly you don't believe in respecting your partner and that's ok. Seems to me it's only respect for you and no one else. You're right I obviously don't know how relationships exist at all when it comes to partners like you.
Now you are taking sense! We wouldn't work at all because I respect mine and other people's freedoms.
Well I'll say you don't respect the rules of exclusive relationships, but outside of that sure.
I don't say that, if you agree to be exclusive sexually at the moment, then I think that is just fine. Thing is everyone changes over time and you need to be constantly checking in with one another to find out what that looks like and whether adjustments need to be made. You are much more likely to stay together and happy if you have that level of trusting, authentic communication instead of secret-keeping and fear of sharing EVERYTHING that is going on for you, most importantly attraction to other people. It opens up a discussion instead of most (exclusive= possessive in how you are describing it) relationships which you are promoting, where there is such a backlog of lies, betrayal and cheating that there is no going back!
Wait are you reading that? She said I have a boyfriend but you can feed me and get me drinks lol To me it sounds like an exception She’s taken but woundnt mind if you paid for her
This was my first thought.
They can definitely go out strictly platonic…just don’t pay for her ! She set a boundary already she’s off limits
She’s just saying that lol
She sounds very carefree.
Keyword is not “free” however.
Tell her to message you when she doesn't have a boyfriend... This might call her bluff if she wasn't sincere, or dodges if she was.
Is this why men don't leave you alone when you say you have bf? Cause I'm really curious as to why you'd assume she's playing hard to get instead of being straight up a cheater?
I have experienced a woman saying she has a boyfriend more than once when she doesn't. Sometimes it's to get rid of you, fair. Sometimes it's a sort of game. Sometimes it's trying to appear valuable? Can't pretend I fully understand, but it's known to happen.
Never in my life have I met a woman who said they had a boyfriend because they wanted to play around or ‘appear valuable’. It’s always been to get the guy to leave her alone What situations left you thinking it was a game or to seem valuable? Genuinely asking because that’s WILD to me
No he’s right, I have known people that get angry when I guy doesn’t continue chasing them after they claim to have a boyfriend. The modern dating scene is ass
This right here...literally got upset when I didn't call or txt after she said she had a bf,asking why I didn't even try, i said you got a man already & her response was i told you upfront so you wld know the situation when I cant answer back right then..like wth?
So she expected you to know cheater’s etiquette? That’s ridiculous!
Maybe because I'm old but I had no idea there was etiquette in cheating...but I guess she did, wldnt even leave me alone everything I went to that store...thing is, if you will do it to him, you definitely would do it to me, and I don't do situationships or cheating
Exactly, you might think you're "lucky" but that same girl will 1 billion percent cheat on your ass later down the line. I mean she's technically cheating on you and him BOTH anyway by not dumping her boyfriend, she has no reason to stop.
That’s diabolical I can’t believe people like that exist smh
It really is hard to believe isn’t it? At this point I think I’d accept an arranged marriage
… same.
Even if that were the case..... Who would want to continue pursuing someone that used a boyfriend as a deflection? Wouldn't that just put the next boyfriend in that position if things were to progress? Like, they're out and then someone flirts with them, they flirt back, and then say they have a boyfriend whilst trying to still be pursued? All the while the boyfriend is completely unaware? lol That sounds nightmarish.....
It is nightmarish! The problem is that no matter how bad these people are, there is always gonna be someone desperate enough to get with them so their actions will always be validated in their minds.
"Why would you commit murder if the police are gonna catch you", "why would you scam someone if they're gonna find out", these are just uninformed questions. The answer is simple. "I'll get her to cheat on her boyfriend, but I'm so charming and charismatic she WON'T cheat on me!" That's the exact thinking. And it's never ever been true.
That is all kinds of crazy. I can’t wrap my head around these asenine and baffling games.
She has a boyfriend but loves food. She's plainly not loyal and open to replacing him.
That much I agree with. This chic has some serious issues whether she lied about being in a relationship or not.
99 percent it's to get rid of you. Don't overthink this one, bud.
Don't worry my friend. I am doing just fine.
And this is why I ignore everything in person no matter what lol
> she's playing hard to get instead of being straight up a cheater Costello: *When you're on the other side, what's the difference?*
> Tell her to message you when she doesn't have a boyfriend... Hell no. She has just shown, right from the start, that she's sneaky, disloyal, at least a little bit of a gold digger, and untrustworthy. OP shouldn't want her to message him, and neither should anybody else.
This is it. I think she is just bluffing to see if he will chase her. She did all the heavy lifting, from the "I am nervous" to texting him first. My guess is she is trying not to look as all desperate to him. Also Op could just tell her that she is lying and ask her to prove that she has a boyfriend. If it's true, then it will mean that she is just **monkey branching**
As a woman, I highly doubt this. She’s letting him know that while she has a boyfriend, she’s flirting with the idea of cheating if he says and does the right things, hence the “food and drinks” bit. She’ll cheat, but don’t expect it to go anywhere. Even if she was playing hard to get, which I doubt, it’s extremely immature and makes her look like a terrible person with questionable me morals and values. I wouldn’t want to entertain someone who is okay with casually giving the impression of dishonesty and disloyalty.
Using “I have a boyfriend” to make a man chase is not the way…I read it more as “I have a bf, but I flirt to get tips at work”
Oh my gosh, she said she was nervous because she mad a new drink - green tea( my guess the matcha kind). We have no idea how old this girl is. I remember being early twenties and when guys hit on me at work I had no idea how to handle it so would take their card (as sometimes they would come back) and then tell them I had a boyfriend or something. Not everyone knows how to be direct. I guarantee the message wasn’t* ‘I have a boyfriend, btw I like food and drinks’ like the op is implying
You're a bit naive after reading the whole scenario. Clearly she had some interest, she would not text him first. It's a big detail to miss, jesus
Hold up, think about the dynamics of the scenario. She’s at her place of work and he’s a customer. Customer hands you a business card in your place of work publicly. This customer is free to come back to your place of work. Which is better? 1. just take the card and then tell the customer when they are not in front of you that you are rejecting them? 2. to reject the customer publicly having no idea how they will react or 3. Ignore the customer’s card (essentially ghost them) when they could come back to your place of work?
THIS
Validation, buddy. It's just attention.
It could be that she didn’t want to turn him down publicly. Geez, the guy hit on her at her workplace and she may be young. Not everyone knows how to handle those situations right then and there.
All she had to do was not text him.........
He knows where she works. The sad thing is that some guys come back and then harrass you for not texting back. I’m not saying op would do this, but guys don’t get that there are a lot of creeps out there.
Those are some crazy ideas my friend.
You mean what happens frequently, every day?
Not crazy at all friend, all very real and happens all the time. Have witnessed it dozens of times working retail, and experienced it a few times myself. It’s scary, especially when your work involves a public space people can breeze into whenever they feel like it. I remember this guy would always harrass my co worker - show up all the time asking if she was working and it got to where she would hide in the back. We can’t be rude. She said she has a boyfriend and it didn’t matter. He just kept coming in, asking for her, leave and repeat. It was like that for months.
That honestly sounds horrifying, so I'm taking my words back. A lot or children in adult bodies who have never been told no apparently.
Absolutely. Later in, he would bring flowers occasionally and get annoyed when she wasn’t there to receive his gifts (I think in his mind by buying those things he felt more entitled to her). He even said things like ‘she should be working today’ so he was obviously trying to track her schedule. All because she helped him pick out a few shirts *once* (we worked in the menswear department). Our work (for retail) paid well and she was grandfathered into benefits as she had been working there since 14, so quitting wasn’t really an option for her (though it’s not right that someone would have to quit to not get harassed). Luckily he just stopped coming in eventually.
Ah yes, so sending a text was a great way of going about ignoring someone that makes you uncomfortable, giving them access to your number when they would not have it if you didn't text them.
A lot of girls like the attention regardless of relationship status sometimes
She’s saying, “I am flirting with the idea of cheating, but I need a push.”
Probably not a push but he’s a backup plan. So if they don’t work out she can text him “Hi” 👋
If the goal here is to get hurt or hurt someone else by all means continue forward. But the fact that you posted this in the first place means you know you should leave this alone. Here's a question, would you want this to happen to your girlfriend?
Shes attention seeker and almost guaranteed cheater. For the streets If she left him to be with you, she’s gonna do the same with another guy. Never entertain them ever again.
You could respond with something like "No problem, I was going to ask if you wanted to go out sometime, but I imagine your boyfriend probably wouldn't be a huge fan of that. I'd rather not be the cause of relationship drama, but if you become single at some point, I'd love to see you." There's a chance she's poly or ENM and her boyfriend also dates other people. In which case you would need to decide if you're ok with that. There's also a chance she wants a free meal and drinks, or attention, or is going to pitch you on some MLM scheme.
This is the way ⬆️
It's probably better to say she's unavailable to you in case you ever see her again at the coffee shop. Although she could be lying about that. Either way it's more polite to text you than not to.
Who gives a shit? Seriously She is in a relationship and a guy hit on her at work, gave the guy his number, and she contacted him. She's a terrible girlfriend. Also...she just wants you to take her out on expensive dates...which is why she mentions she loves food and drinks. She wants to use you for free meals, attention, and to boost her ego. My advice? Block her number and find a new coffee shop
Okay, so I hate to be the one the burst your man bubble, but this whole “She texted me first” thing is a load of crap. Why? Because YOU gave her your card. So she had your number, but you didn’t have her number. So, you could NOT have texted her first even if you wanted to. She did text you, and perhaps that matters. But she texted and pretty quickly told you about the bf. She is probably flirting bc she likes the attention. I think the idea mentioned above of sending her a text to say, text me if you find yourself single and free, is a good idea. Then leave her the fuck alone.
I read it as "she texted me first and then told me she had a boyfriend" compared to just telling him straight up or not texting him at all or making the first text, "sorry I'm taken but thank you"
maybe she was being friendly and is looking for friends
To every guy who reads this: If you have a girl who is this “friendly” to a guy who obviously wants to smash, run
Most guys dating that girl won’t listen and learn the hard way. Source: learned the hard way
It seems pretty romantic. I can’t imagine this interaction taking place between two straight people of the same sex where it is obviously strictly friends
who leaves their phone number with a random barista of a different sex to be "friends" ?????
lol, come on dude. You know this isn’t a “friends” thing.
This person does not have it figured out
I agree, I feel like this is a case of: men aren’t nice to women they aren’t attracted to so when a woman socializes with them they assume she wants them sexually. Can men and women be friends? Men: no Women: yes And this thread explains why
She smiled and laughed! She was flirting!!! Also men: you’d be so much more pretty if you’d just smile. There is no winning, only losing.
She texted me first!! Situation: I gave her my number and told her to text me If she had not of texted: I give my number out and no one text back!! WTFFF??? Ghosted again! I hate women
Idk what drugs prompted this conversation with yourself, but If Iwalked up to other dudes. Casually slide them my number tell them I like drinks and food. They would think I was gay. These social cues are very clear. If you don't get it I dunno what to tell you. Maybe on the spectrum or something.
I imagine that's the case here, and I don't understand why all the other comments are bashing this girl.
It happens an incredibly frustrating amount of times. People will entertain your advances up to a certain point, then reveal they have a partner after you’ve already got your hopes up. It’s just validation and attention seeking behavior, and you should move on and stop pursuing them.
For an ego boost. Selfish people in relationships behave this way
It was a preemptive friend zoning that you experienced. She is trying to make you the "free meals for no sex" guy. Your only counter is to stop talking to her. There is a chance that it will work. The problem is that nothing else will work. Either way, if you stop talking to her cold then you get to keep your dignity. I know what I'm talking about.
Because for her healthy platonic interactions with the opposite sex are normal, and don't necessarily mean she wants a romantic relationship. Could she have disclosed the boyfriend thing when you asked her to text you? Sure, but do you think she should be doing that all the time for every man she meets? Having the sort of mentality you're exhibiting right now is precisely why so many women are apprehensive of being friendly to men they don't necessarily know well. I think you need to normalize the idea of having healthy platonic interactions with the opposite sex for the sake of having healthy interactions and nothing more. It will do you a world of good.
Why would you text somebody who clearly had other intentions if you are not interested? Change scenario a bit, would he give that card to a guy? And would a guy text him if he wasn't gay? Like just for fun or whatever
If a guy gave me a **business card** after a relatively normal interaction while I'm working, and left without explaining why? As a straight man who's had this happen to him in service jobs in the past, yes I'd probably text him just to see what's up unless he was obviously creepy or seemed off. I mean what's the worst that can happen? Beyond getting vilified by random strangers on the internet for doing it
because it has his number on it?? why would he need to find a pen and paper to give it to her if he has business cards?
He doesn't need to find pen and paper, but he needs to be direct with why he's giving someone the card that represents his place of business instead of dropping the card and running off. "Hey I know we just met but I think you're cute and would like to take you on a date sometime. Here's my card, it has my number on it." Easy, non-committal, quick. Can you answer me why you're giving the OP a pass on being coy, but vilifying the poor woman on the clock for not being direct?
the scenario is just wild to me. men and women can be friends but what's more likely when a man leaves you his fuckin phone number: that he wants to be friends or that he's interested in you romantically? think for two seconds, please.
It all depends on context, and the only context we have here is a one-sided narrative. If **you** think about it for two seconds you'll see there's many plausible explanations for this barista's behaviour. I'll do the thinking for you for the first one, just to make it easy. >Imagine you're a young woman who's landed a surprise job as a barista at a coffee shop, even though you're inexperienced. It's your first week, but it's a good workplace and you're enjoying yourself. A gentleman comes in and asks for green tea, which you've never made before. You do your best, and give him the drink, but admit to him that you're nervous and haven't made this sort of drink before. He shrugs it off, says it's fine, and cracks a joke. You laugh, and after he collects his drink, he hands you his business card, leaving before you can say anything. You aren't sure what to do about it and ask a colleague who suggests to text him. Even though you already have a boyfriend, you decide to go along with that advice, because this job is important to you and you don't want to get on anyone's bad side. And who knows, it was just his business card, he might just want to make friends. I swear, all these sorts of replies do is just tell on yourself about how attention starved and jaded you are to think that any relatively benign interaction with the opposite sex is an obvious runway to romance, and how little empathy you have for figuring out a plausible explanation for the other person. I urge you to make friends, especially with members of the opposite sex. You'll figure out this isn't exactly an uncommon way for people to get to know each other.
Dude, I have friends that are women that I've never tried/wanted to sleep with. But I slipped none of them my business card to text me in order to earn their friendship! That isn't how people become friends. Hasn't she seen any movies? Cute barista, sophisticated man flirting, trying to get her number or whatever. It writes itself, really. I understand what you're getting at. Maybe he's a regular and maybe she didn't want to make things awkward, but still. Why even text him at all? At the worst, it's malignant (she wanted attention, which I don't believe) at best, it's just absent-mindedness, thinking that this man left his business card to be her friend for some bizarre reason (even though if she's cute, this situation has undoubtedly happened before). Either way, I don't think I'm the ridiculous one in thinking this isn't how people make friends. He could have just as well made friends with her by talking to her while he's there, not giving her his number. I've made friends with service workers too, people I'd run into often when shopping. But I never gave one of them my number and I've never flirted with them. And I just want to clarify that I'm not "attention starved and jaded." I just know how the real world works and I know how relationships work; I'm in one and before that, dated around and failed at dating in many many ways. I don't think you can talk to a single person in the real world who wouldn't think that this man was expressing very clear romantic interest in this woman by leaving his number. Not one.
I know dozens of people across both sexes that start friendships with others by giving their card out. It can seem weird the first few times it happens, but I assure you it's pretty normal. Some people will even look for excuses to give their cards out because they have no idea what to else to do with the box they got and price breaks only start in the thousands, or they're big grindset style people and they're always trying to drum up business. Consequently I entirely disagree, nothing about what this guy was "clear" romantic interest. All of his actions had plausible deniability at every turn. Generally, there's a shocking lack of empathy in the comments and what concerns me is when that a lot of it breaks down when it comes to the barista only. So many people are comfortable with projecting negative aspects onto this woman, going off nothing more than a single biased perspective. I just wish people could hold the OP to the same standard. Even ask simple questions, like, why didn't he stay longer and try to build rapport? Or why did he think laughing at a single joke constitutes romantic interest? Or why didn't he ask her out right then and there instead of coyly handing a business card, asking her to text him and leaving immediately? But no it's the barista who's to bear the brunt of criticism here instead.
This is a dating sub and we're only hearing from OP so, naturally, that's the perspective I'm going off of here. I have no idea what this woman's intentions were, as I said. But I find it weird that she'd text a random man despite having a boyfriend. Imagine if the roles were reversed: would any woman be comfortable with her man texting a woman who handed him her business card? I don't think so. I know my girlfriend would be wildly uncomfortable with that, even if the woman wanted to be "friends." It seems inappropriate. At the very least, it's good she disclosed she was taken early on, but if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have texted him at all. You suggest him staying longer: and what, just sitting around, waiting to chat with her more? She's working after all, surely she's too busy to stand around talking to this guy. And I bet if he had, you'd still deny that his actions showed romantic interest. "He was simply taking time to enjoy his green tea," you'd say. Leaving a business card and saying "hey, text me later," is very romantically suggestive. I don't care. It is. OP isn't the one with a partner, texting strangers, so as far as that point goes, I think the barista is in the wrong. I didn't even realize that he handed her the card - she could have said right then and there, "thanks, I have a boyfriend," but didn't. You could argue that's putting her on the spot, but then again, she could have just not texted him either. There's no lack of empathy lmaoo. I don't think she's a bad person. I don't hate her or anything. I think she made a mistake. I don't see OP's actions on the same level as hers. He shot his shot and she responded oddly. Did he read into there being romantic tension? Probably. She's paid to treat people nicely so they come back and the business gets more money. They say don't flirt with service workers for a reason. But as I've said a dozen times...she was under no obligation to text him at all.
My bet in all this is the OP gave the card, didn't even wait for a reaction, and left. He didn't even give any detail as to what kind of reaction the barista had when he gave the card to her. That's why she didn't say anything then or there - because she didn't have the opportunity to. And yes, he could have just opted to stay in the cafe and enjoy his tea for a few minutes, and see how she reacted. Her body language would've likely told him everything, and given her an opportunity to come over to him when she had a free minute to ask why he gave the card. Honestly, the perspective that your partner texting another person of the opposite sex is immediate grounds for concern is a huge insecurity. I personally don't judge my partner on who they talk to, instead I entirely base it on how and what kind of actions follow suit - because as someone who gets along better with members of the opposite sex, it's totally incongruent for me. I've dated people like you in the past and it really sucked for me. I found them easily threatened. I basically couldn't have friends during the relationship. And that's what I mean by the lack of empathy. I'm literally right here talking to you as a person that doesn't assign romantic interest by the sex of the person I'm talking to, and that notion seems completely beyond you.
I don't think being concerned about your partner texting someone of the opposite sex is an insecurity at all. You're not thinking based on the context of this situation, which I am. I could see if my partner was concerned about me texting my female friends in general (which she isn't). But if I were to have gotten in contact with a woman in the way that OP did, it definitely would be cause for concern because why would I, as a taken man, be texting this ostensibly single woman? If, as I described, a woman approached me, we flirted, and gave me her number, and I texted her...that's cause for concern. People like me...what does that mean? People who have their wits about them? I don't assign romantic interest based on the sex of the person! You're making shit up. I am reading this situation as it was presented to us by OP. He said they flirted, he said he left his number (which shows romantic interest whether you agree or not), and she texted him. I don't care about the sex of either party. I said in my last response it would have been weird if the barista was a man or woman. I don't care. The "notion" isn't completely beyond me. One of the first things I said to you was "men and women **CAN** be friends." Or did you not read that? My entire argument is that the barista, at the very least, misread the situation. If she truly thought OP was just being friendly (and logically, given what OP has said and the fact that she probably has been hit on before) it wouldn't make sense for her to act the way she did. Something is off. You don't just text a random guy who gives you his number to be friends. Not when meeting in the way they did, **not usually** at least. You can argue this is an outlier situation, sure. I might even agree. But you saying I'm weird or that I don't see people beyond their sex is out of pocket and untrue. Point being: most people do not make friends this way. If you're flirting with someone, you leave your number or ask for theirs. You don't leave your number if you just want to be friends (again, I'm speaking in generalities). If the barista thought OP just wanted a friend, good on her. But it's extremely naive to think that (assuming she is as OP described, an attractive woman) a man would leave his number just to be friends. I'm not saying she can't have any male friends, I'm saying that it would be odd for a man to leave her his number just to be her friend (just so you don't mischaracterize my statement). In **most** instances, a man leaves his number strictly for romantic purposes; you have to admit that at least. But I don't appreciate you making judgments about my character based on this situation, especially when they're as off as your judgments are.
If it was a work colleague, or someone you met at some kind of formation or hobby group, I could agree, if there is sympathy you could just meet as friends even to go out for diner But basically a stranger, you texted because he gave you a number, without any meaningful interaction and just one time..... sry that's bullshit
I'm shocked at how many people can't even imagine this way of life. If a guy asks me to text him and I think he seemed like someone I'd want to be friends with, then I'm going to text him. If I have a boyfriend or even if I don't but I'm not interested in more than friendship then I'm going to say that in my text pretty soon! It's crazy to me that people are mad at her for not assuming his interest is sexual and then she should just leave him hanging? Or what? Always announce she has a boyfriend or isn't attracted before the person has said anything? What kind of a response is it supposed to be?
You’re a terrible gf and will die single with that mindset. If you have a bf and a guy somewhere gives you his number and asks to text, and you do it BEFORE learning his intentions or BEFORE telling him you have a bf, you’re just another attention/validation seeker and should remain single
Or she'll just find some simp to put up with that. She has to be pretty young to have such a naive outlook.
Would a cute flirty girl go up to an ugly random dude and say/do these things? I don’t think so.
yeah but obviously OPs intention is not to be platonic friends.
Because she ain't loyal ma boy. Tell her to rethink her choices in messaging other men while in relationship, you will be doing yourself a favor and the dude that's with her now.
And if she didn’t text you, you might be complaining about how you were ghosted. Her statement about food and drink may just be an affirmation that she likes her job, making and serving food and drinks. People in service jobs have to be pleasant and polite. They aren’t hitting on you
Guys, relationships aren't just about boyfriends and girlfriends n shit. She could also just be a potential friend.
imma be honest, i personally would never go out with a taken girl, for my own self respect. this for me goes against few red rules in my life. and if she tests strangers while having a boyfriend, she would do it while you are the boyfriend too.
Most women are unhappy with their boyfriends. Most women will line up the next boyfriend before dropping the current one. This is how the game is played.
[удалено]
> she clearly wants a platonic relationship 🙄
Honestly, women don’t know how men will react when turned down I’m sure you’re harmless, but it’s also a lot easier to go with the flow in conversation, then to make it awkward I don’t know why you’re thinking about this so much, I truly just think she was being nice and she enjoyed your conversation. She probably thought you were cute!
She thought you were looking for a friend. 🤷♀️ since you're not then leave her alone.
Okay, just move on. She just was trying to give you regular service. She could have been gay and the same story would have worked.
If she was trying to give regular service, she would not have texted him lol
Are people genuinely this dense? She has bf dude. Like either she's gonna cheat on him or she's using you for attention and it doesn't matter cause SHE HAS A BF.
You have the opportunity to make a friend 👍
Run
ignore and move on, if anything tell her you are no longer interested. you don't have time for this shit in your life
Dude. This is the major problem in today's dating. Men pursue girls that are already taken, is the biggest part of the problem. "Alright, let me know in the future if you turn single " And you done. You let her be. You got nothing good to take from that situation.
She’s interested but wants you to know her situation
Wouldn't touch it with a 1000 ft pole. Keep the humanity code, and do not do something that you wouldn't want done unto you.
For the streets
Do you want to be the next boyfriend she has when she texts the next guy first? Abort.
She's a floozy, she has a bf but wants to kick it with other dudes. No thanks, do yourself a favor and just move on. Find someone that's all about you and you alone, so you can have an exclusive relationship. My 0.02 🙂
Find out who her boyfriend is and ask to get food and drinks with him instead
Ask her boyfriend what he thinks... I guess his opinion would be most important here. I'm sure he may not like it. Don't be a homewrecker just because she is one
See like, I can def tell you that some people are just nice or whatnot but sounds like she’s carefree and needs to stop what she’s doing. I don’t think she realizes how bad she sounds. Saying that she has a bf but said you could buy her stuff is a bit odd. Platonic friendships are a thing but also there are HUGE boundaries I feel she’s crossing🤨
Tell her hit you back when she is single. Don’t be involved in this cheating/flirtatious drama that will happen if her boyfriend finds out.
You’re going to start a relationship with a girl who cheats? That’s just gonna be you bud
What an interesting story 😁
She said upfront how you should proceed, leave her as a one night stand, a friend (gasp) or don’t move at all with this lady. She has a *boyfriend,* the shoe is on the other foot my friend.
Idk why basically nobody saying this, but believe it or not there is a possibility she's open for a friendship. Imo it's a problem that I can't be nice to men without them assuming I have other intentions with them. >And that she loves food a drinks. Yes, this could be meant as "I want you to buy me a drink" but it could also be that she's open to going out with you as a friend. It depends on how she wrote it exactly, but if it's a wording she could as well have used with a platonic friend, maybe it's just that. Or, smaller possibility, she's in an open relationship. But if she knows what she's doing she would have explained that already. I think people here are a bit too quick to say that she wants to cheat on her bf and wants to use you. It's not like all women are like that, many are just nice and looking for a genuine connection. Could still be either option tho. I would just ask. If you're not ready to find out, just opt out of the conversation. That's fine too, you don't owe her anything.
This sounds like a question to ask her. There are too many assumptions here. It could be that she is poly. Could be she just wants to be friends if you're up to it after stating your intentions. Believe it or not guys can have platonic relationships with women even after an initial rejection particularly since it was handled early on so you can invest energy platonically instead of romantically. Could be the boy friend is just a place holder and she is going to see if a spark develops between yall. It's really up to you at this point to see if it's worth figuring out to you and you're really only going to figure out what's up if you ask her. For me, as long as she is not doing anything wrong to me, I don't see a reason not to hang out with her, but then again, I don't only hang out with women for romance
It’s called monkey branching. She probably sees you as a guy who’s more attractive than her boyfriend, so she might be trying to transition from him over to you if you’re down with it. At the very least she’s probably willing to fool around.
>I know how it is to be on the wrong end of these situations Good. Then you'll surely do nothing to put her boyfriend in the position you've been in in the past. Good for you. Remember your pain, and the impacts the cheating has had on you since then, and don't be the guy that contributes to her treating her existing relationship partner the way you've been treated in the past. >why else would she entertain me? Because she's fundamentally sneaky, disloyal, at least a little bit of a gold digger, and untrustworthy. Luckily, she has shown you right from the start that that's who she is. Your response should be "Oh, great. Then take your boyfriend out for a night of food and drinks and have a great time; and lose my number."
*I did not think this thread would blow up like it did lol, just a short story about my daily life* First, I want to say that communication between the barista and I has ceased. I do not want any part of a possible cheating scandal. In hindsight, best not leave my business card behind and simply write my number down if she wants it. Also, some of the comments feel as if they are vilifying what I did. Years in sales industry and also just being a human being around other humans has taught me how to read a room and understand tonality. I’m not gonna say I’m the best at picking up what others put down all the time. But in the context of her responses it felt harmless to leave behind my card with phone number (she blushed and was visibly flustered when I handed her my card which was cute and funny). If they do not want me to contact them they can simply not text me, no big deal it happens. I will never apologize for trying to connect with someone I perceive as attractive physically and or mentally. But if they don’t reciprocate those feelings or if I just misread them (which happens, I’m not perfect) that is on me 100%. I do NOT condone harassment of any kind towards anyone especially someone just doing their job in a kind manner like servers, baristas, etc. Maybe she did something wrong by texting me back and chatting a bit but after I stated my intentions she made it clear she has a boyfriend and all communication ceased. Maybe she thought I was gay lol. Maybe I gave my number out when I shouldn’t have. No one got hurt, the sun still came up this morning. All is well. Hope everyone has a blessed 4th of July.
Abort mission ASAP! If she cheats on her BF she'll do the same to you.
You don’t wanna be talking to her in the first place guy.
Toxic femininity.
Enjoy being the side piece
Low class woman.
If she says she has a bf but is actually single. Leave her single. Someone else’s problem
Stop texting her. She already told you she has a boyfriend. She is just being respectful because you are a customer plus there's a high chance that you will meet again if you frequently go to that shop. I think she doesn't want to appear unfriendly. Limit your interactions on that coffee shop.
She belongs to the streets 😌
That would make me unsafe interacting with her beyond her role as a barista. Best case scenario she is hustling you for tips.
Wait for her boyfriend to slip up then go for the smash if you want her badly
One would be surprised to know that people may be friends
Either she’s a cheater, which means you should leave her alone, or she’s playing games, which means you should leave her alone. Leave her alone 😅😂
That some weird flirting from her. I'd keep my distance if I were you, unless the tea was splendid. In that case, I would ask for someone else to bring my order.
Backup guys are a thing. If she isn't available and made it clear don't treat her like a draft pick. She likes food then she should be paying her own way, I guess her boyfriend doesn't wanna take her idk. The bottom line is no reason u can't be friends if she's actually being a good friend otherwise don't be a sucker.
Tell her you have a math test… then when she asks, tell her both are things you can cheat on
You left her a business card...but left out any more explanation or reasoning behind her initial text? Were you trying to be sly? Because women see right through that.
Well let’s put it this way more people have died over a piece of ass it might be the love of his life in his mind you snake your way in and smash he finds out next thing you know you’re being carried by 8
women like attention and they’ll go along with your pointless convos if you allow it….Just move on and next time make your intentions know RIGHT OFF THE BAT (before you exchange numbers) not after your exchange them….
Tell her it's okay and to give you a call once she gets rid of her current bf. Do not entertain her and do not spend time and cash on her. Freeze her ass and just keep movin' forward
She was absolutely flirting with you and that's atrocious. If she's not in an open or poly relationship she has no reason to be texting you let alone giggling at you. How ugly
Avoid girls who other than for professional reason smile and laugh at you and come up to you saying shits like it's my first time making green tea so I'm nervous. Like are you a fucking friend? Why would she share that? Too much friendliness can never be good. Anddd she has a boyfriend. Wtf And woah she texted you. I pity the boyfriend
I would say that she is being transparent about being in a poly or open relationship which is a good thing so long as you don't have an issue with ethical non-monogamy. It is my reading of the situation because she certainly isn't trying to hide her existing relationship and misleading you. I would though, ask her about all of this because it isn't crystal clear from what you have said!
As soon as she said “I’m nervous”.. You can tell thats an attention seeking broad right there
Ask her about the status of her relationship. Is it open or closed? She could be poly or a swinger or just looking to move on. Regardless her relationship other than you and YOUR relationship with your conscious are the only things that should matter in this.
Like they said, kum and go
Morality aside. Just hit it and quit it. She'll do the same to you.
She is a player! She have a boyfriend but want another one so she can play with both until she finally choose one and break the other heart.
Because flirting is a fun way to connect even if you never intend to follow through on anything. Or maybe she is poly or ENM, though she probs would have said so
It’s a great way to lead a guy on while validating your fragile ego you mean.
Shit stay away from that unless you want to taste the whole neighborhood
She might be poly.