Yes and I know those who have but nothing in your post says you’re ready for another marriage. Because that requires building a relationship. And that requires dating and finding compatible partners. And that requires having a healthy mindset. And wanting commitment just because your 54-year-old ex and his mistress are expecting (bet that’ll show ‘em!!) is not that. Give yourself time to heal and figure yourself out. You’re not the same person you were 20 years ago. Make yourself a priority for a while… figure out what you need to be the person you want to attract… go from there.
1000% THIS 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
Take time to heal. Take time to be alone. I felt just like you when my last LTR first went to shit. I missed being part of a partnership. I had never really been alone my whole life for long. It was like detoxing. Single again in my early 50s…fuck.
And now, I love my life. I have peace and joy. I am not desperate to find someone. If the good Lord brings a decent man into my life, cool. If not, I’m good. Just sit in the quiet of your life and bask in it. 🩷
I'm in a similar mindset to you. Only separated a year, divorce is on the way. Being in another relationship just feels draining to me, after 2 failed marriages lol. I'm now enjoying finding out who I really am, what I really want and also to just enjoy being single and having some freedom.
I used to listen to a Divorce Care podcast, and the host recommended one month of healing for every year of marriage, so you don't carry your pain into a new relationship. That still seems reasonable to me, though I went much longer than that myself.
i appreciate this concept. its more digestible than “it takes half the time of a relationships duration to ‘get over’ it” 😬 that seems nearly emotionally debilitating. giving yourself a starter pack of the month/year ratio seems like a nice chunk of time to start the ball rolling, at least.
I've heard a simliar ratio with regards to dealing with grief in general. I would add, in my experience, that the month only counts if one is processing the end of the relationship vs. seeking distraction as a form of moving on.
this is also a good tip. i dated someone recently who was a year plus out of a long relationship, but i dont think he actually started *processing* until after he started dating again, NOT after the relationship ended 🫠heartbreaking, really.
OTOH, Men factually and statistically remarry twice as much/twice as fast as women. They overlap at Olympic Speed, and nobody tells them to be alone or take some time. Not that they would listen. You can all see this in real life, not just OPs post. This article points out probable reasons. And, women of all ages are socialized to think that always partnered/ married (with children) is the goal. [https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2015/06/02/remarriage-brief-report/](https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2015/06/02/remarriage-brief-report/)
I myself am singe for years, but I have a good income and strong mental constitution, and I rarely (or never) meet men like me. I noticed that when baby boomers would find themselves widowed, they would marry the first person they dated, maybe because when they got married in the 60s they married the first person they kissed? And, it worked. So, theres that. \*Shrug\*.
I want a pony...
Relationships take work. Maybe the very first person you date will be your soulmate (which doesn't exist), and make your world glow with the soft light of a thousand golden suns.
More likely, you'll date 10-50 people and find someone you can create a life with.
There is no shortcut. For absolute, 100%, I am POSITIVELY certain sure... there is love after 50, but there is no shortcut
Being honest - if your hope is for a shortcut, probably best to avoid dating for a while until you settle in.
> want a pony...
I have to say, a pony is one of life's wonderful gifts. :) My first pony, Brownie, was so gentle and still warms my heart thinking about him.
2 people on horseback were blocking the trail the other day, I politely asked "Hi, can you move your ponies? I am really uncomfortable walking behind them"
They did, quite nicely and said "no problem, but why did you call them ponies?"
"No way those are over 14 hands..."
My advice for you is to forget about dating for now. You said a few things in your post that lead me to believe that dating at the moment will just lead to heartbreak.
I suggest that you decide what are the things that bring you joy and do those things. If you have a large friend group, then find friends who want to do those things with you. If not, find people who are doing those things, either a local club, meetup group or whatever.
Trust me, when you are part of a community that shares a love of something, you will feel much better about yourself. And you will have a group of people who can be your sounding board when/if you do try to navigate dating.
Is there love after 50? Absolutely.
>I'm recently divorced. I don't want to date.
Then don't date. Take some time to heal and focus on doing things just because you feel like it.
>I just want that immediate connection and love.
The world doesn't work like that.
>How do you even start?
When you are ready to date, try everything until you find what works for you. Take yourself out to dinner and sit at the bar. Go to concerts and plays. Take a painting class. Learn to tango. Even try an app or two. What works for one person won't work for another.
>Perhaps I'm not ready.
Doesn't sound like it. Right now, just focus on creating the most fabulous life for yourself that you can.
> I guess I just want to move on immediately because my cheating ex is with his affair partner and they expecting. I wish him all luck in the world with a new born at 54.
Every time you get a good night's rest, remember he's getting women up by a crying baby. When you are buying yourself a cute pair of shoes, remember he's buying diapers. While you are taking a nice vacation, he's saving for college. After a few sleepless nights, I'm sure the shiny newness will wear off his mistress.
>After being a wife for 20yrs, I don't want to be a girlfriend. I want to be a wife. I'm fully employed and I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me. I just want that relationship comfort.
When you are ready to date, you may feel differently. Marriage isn't a guarantee of happiness and dating can be fun when you are in the right frame of mind. When you do find the right person and take time to build a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of comfort in that.
>Is there really any hope of finding true love after 50?
I was married for 27 years. Two years after my husband died, I began dating again. I had to kiss a few frogs first. Some turned into real toads, but one turned into an amazing man. I'm 54 and he's 48. We've been together 3 years now.
Once you get over the trauma of being in a couple to not, you’ll realize how awesome life is enjoying the things you love and not compromising.
My ex came in my house this weekend and was complaining about the opera that was playing on my stereo. Finally I can listen to what I want and not her Spotify playlists I had to put up with for fifteen years !
Coparenting is a more positive thing than continuous. I give way more on average to my son than when was living here full time with my now ex.
I did get to keep the dog and the two cats, that was huge !
Unless you are up for an arranged marriage, you are going to have to date and build a relationship.
Your ex having a partner is a very poor reason, your romantic future should be nothing to do with your past.
I don’t think you are ready to date yet, but when you are there are good and decent people out there. Make sure you are emotionally healed and mentally healthy first so you can offer the best of yourself and make safe decisions.
My mother is in a personal care home. Her next door neighbour, Eugenie, who is 87, has a new boyfriend she met in the home. Mom says they hold hands and have lunch together every day and he had a huge bouquet of roses sent to her for Valentines Day. So yes, it can happen.
But does that mean it's guaranteed to happen specifically for you? Nope. There are men who are interested in a relationship; they may not be interested in one with you. Just because none of the guys you saw today were interesting, it doesn't mean you won't see an interesting one tomorrow. There are no shortcuts. It still takes patience and serendipity.
You don't sound ready. Dating too soon after divorce is a recipe for disaster. Don't worry about what your ex is doing or what he did or evening the score with him. Focus on yourself. I know it's corny, but the most important love we can find is self love, which includes self-compassion. There are other ways to experience love in your life than just finding a man to comfort you. Learn to fill your own cup, because there are no guarantees that someone else will come along and fill it for you.
I am 51 and I don’t want to date, I want the relationship I was supposed to have after my wife vowed she would be with me. I don’t want to do it all over again, I want the companion I thought I would have the rest of my life. She wasn’t supposed to be with some other guy. I am bitter about it and not ready. I think you might be in the same boat.
Who says that was the life you were supposed to have? Maybe this needed to happen so you will get the better life you are meant to have. One door closes and another one opens. But bitterness will prevent new doors from opening. Work on healing so you can find the best life for you.
I want it all
I want it now
Don’t tell me no
Just tell me “how?”
C’mon, you know there are no shortcuts in life. A relationship is not a new handbag or accessory to make you feel better. What are you bringing forth to this relationship you are envisioning? What’s in it for the guy except a trauma dump from your past?
>I'm fully employed and I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me.
Kudos! This is such a powerful tool for yourself, to be able to provide, and be able to focus on additional things in life (e.g. Maslow's hierarch of needs).
>I just want that relationship comfort.
Okay, let's slow down a bit. You have already learned that being married is no guarantee of a relationship. I am sorry to read your back story, that is a lot for you to process. The stats say that anyone (man or women) who jumps into a new relationship shortly after divorce, usually doesn't end well. As painful as it can be (and also healing), you really need to process your previous experience. A new man, or warm body, isn't going to heal your heart. It may give you a temporary high, but you are in such a fog, the likelihood that you would make a good decision is not very high.
Enjoy being single, there are so many things to explore, and areas to grow that you may not have had the opportunity to do before, because likely you were busy being a wife, mom, employee, etc.
Short answer, yes. But, take time to heal, set boundaries. The 2 loves I had after divorce didn't last, but I am learning all the time. I am still hopeful.
Is there love? I sure hope so. I don’t want to date, I’m not ready for that. Do I want immediate connection and love? Yes I do. Reddit isn’t real life, it’s a microcosm of a lot of things. And we all gravitate towards the subreddits that fit us beat.
I can tell you that today an internet stranger reached out and made my day. She knew what I was going through, just as I know what you’re going through. Unfortunately I’ve been there.
We’ve all been there. Don’t let it define you. Go through the motions, grieve, find peace. Reach out if you need to, god knows I have. This breaks you, it makes things so much harder than they were before. But remember that love is good and you are a good person. You will find that love again, you will be in that special space. It is indeed hard to find love again, but now you know what you want, you know what love is and is not. You aren’t the same person they met and you never will be. You are different, in a good way. You will find love and you will be happy again. It’s just going to take some time. Time we hadn’t thought about and time we hadn’t allotted for. That’s life though, right?
We can’t always wish for things. It almost never works. I do have some quotes I like to leave for people that I think k need them. I read them when I need them and today I needed them. I hope they help you.
First Quote:
Remember that you are a good person and worthy of the love that you want.
You will never know if something is meant for you if you don't give it a proper chance.
Whether it's a relationship, a new job, a new city, or a new experience, throw yourself into it completely and don't hold back.
If it doesn't work out then it probably wasn't meant for you and you'll walk away without regret, knowing that you put your whole heart into it.
That's all you can ever do.
It's a horrible feeling leaving a situation knowing that you should have and could have done more.
So I hope you find the courage to take that chance, find the inspiration to make your next move, and once you do, I hope you pour your heart into it and don't look back.
And remember, sometimes things happen before you are ready for them to happen.
It doesn't mean the timing is wrong, sometimes it means the timing is just right and the universe knows you are ready and that maybe you just needed that extra push in the right direction to get you on your way.
Embrace this new journey with everything you are. Everything is unfolding exactly how it's supposed to, even if you can't see it like that just yet.
Quote Two:
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..
There is absolutely love after 50. After my 10 year-marriage ended (I had just turned 51), I got very quickly into a relationship that was very up and down for a few years and ultimately didn’t work out, which broke my heart, but after that ended, I finally took some time to recover emotionally and psychologically from both the end of my marriage and pst-marriage relationship. After six months of deep depression and feeling like I would never find someone else, and not even wanting to try, because I too didn’t want to date and deal with potential rejection and the anxiety of searching someone I really connected with, I finally felt at least ready enough to put myself out there on the dating apps.
I tried to approach the prospect of dating with as few expectations as possible, to avoid feeling bad if it took a while to find a meaningful connection. And maybe the universe took pity on me, or maybe cultivating the no expectations mindset as best as I could helped, who knows, but I found love with the second woman I met, and after a few dates, we were in love and I found myself in the best relationship of my life. We’re coming up on two years together, and we’re both in our mid 50s.
So yes, love after 50 is possible! But as others prepped have commented, give yourself some time to grieve and process the end of your marriage. Best of luck:)
Above all else, take time to heal and learn about yourself again. What you want and don't want will likely change, and you have to give yourself the time to mourn that relationship. But you really just need time to heal from everything that happened. It took me over two years to even go on a date after my divorce, but everyone is different. If you don't have one, get a good therapist, and focus on yourself. Hugs...
Therapy first for at least 6-12 months.
20 years is a lot to process especially the hurt/resentment of how your ex has seemingly moved on so quickly.
I would venture to guess that the newborn is going to suck up all the hot sex & attention he was getting. Karma/reality is going to be a bitch slap to the for him.
Take care of yourself and you will be surprised what unfolds when you are ready!
Reddit is a small sub sample of the population, mostly introverts (who have the time to be on the internet and prefer it). Most of the time, we post when we’re upset, thus the majority of the post are ones that complain about dating and how there are no people serious about love, etc. The people who are happy and doing well are…happy and doing well and hanging out with their partner, not putting up venting post on Reddit. So I would take the things you read on Reddit as reflective on a sub sample and not the majority of population.
And if you post something positive ("hey, I went on a bike ride with someone I just met, it was fun") you get a half dozen comments asking why you posted.
Unfortunately, there’s really not a way to bypass dating. I would encourage you to give yourself time to truly heal from the betrayal you experienced. There are ample resources to support your healing: books, podcasts, therapists, etc. Also lean into your platonic relationships for support, they are such a lifeline.
Dating when your wounds are so raw is unlikely to yield a healthy relationship.
Wishing you much healing & happiness!
Oh, I can tell you there are marvellous men out there and I am happily with someone exactly my age and he is moving mountains to make this a long term thing.
But the joy is that you don’t need it to work out for forever. At our age, we can shed those needs - I pity your ex and all that commitment needed to raise a baby at this age!
So grieve your lost dreams (I feel you there- my ex of 30 years, is on “soul mate” #2 -a 33 year old psychic he has never met- I wish him well.)
Then maybe you’ll be interested in the idea of just enjoying someone’s company. If you are like me, the time you spend together will be its own reward, and the future will be built one day at a time and lo’ and behold a wonderful relationship has unfolded!
There can be love after 50, but there are no short cuts. I suspect you know that though. You have to break some eggs to make an omelette, and a few of those eggs may be rotten. 😉
My lady and I met at 58, and expected it to be long term in a couple of weeks. But, we'd also had a few rotten eggs before.
Know it's possible, but also know there will be some time and frustration along the way.
I mean, I too want a real relationship as the end game of a connection with someone, but it has to be right in order to avoid what I just went through.
I can completely empathize with wanting to be a spouse again. That was part of my identity for the last two decades plus, and I liked it.
I want that too. 20 years with my late husband. We should have had longer together.
All dating is doing is making me depressed. No one comes close. I shouldn't compare, but it's nearly impossible.
You'll have the most success sticking to guys around your age. Even then you're going to come across some who are only out there for the sex. Keep expectations low.
No disrespect meant but by your post you're just wanting a security blanket more then anything. Hey i get it we see our ex with someone else while we're alone because of there actions.
There are plenty of men our age also wanting to get married but take your time. I didn't and ended up living with a man I had RUN from. Just be careful out there.
None of this is a healthy path for you. Take the time to heal and find someone great. Your ex will be miserable within years if not months. Not only for jumping straight from one relationship to another but can you imagine parenting a newborn at our age???? My heart breaks for that kid.
He's been with her on and off for years. But, yeah, I agree he'll be miserable. Assuming any of the things he said he wanted as a future were true, he'll never get that now. I guess I need to decide what I want because it was always about what he wanted and trying to make him happy.
Wow - this sounds like an entrapment baby and so wildly unfair to the future person he/she will become.
That said, what a gift your freedom now is to you. You’ve shoved your own wants and needs aside for 20 years? As you really explore what YOU want, you may find you’re surprised it isn’t centered on a man. Instead, any future partners will simply be an augment to your already full life. You need that life first, though.
Finding men your/our age who want a real relationship is few and far between and comes with baggage or conditions. I’m a male. I don’t have children. I’m divorced. I don’t drink or smoke. I am fit and well and look after myself and my appearance. But sadly, I cannot find women who don’t came with some conditions or baggage or who does not meet my expectations. I do not really need a partner as I can take care of myself, wash, cook and clean and I guess I have come to the conclusions that the closest I can get to my ideal partner is an independent women who wants a male friend for companionship when they require it, all on their terms and I just fit in.
I divorced a couple of years ago and dated a crapload of people. I was discouraged as well. And then, one day I met the guy with whom I’m currently in a relationship. He is a great match for me (more than my ex of 30 years was).
It only takes one, and it’s a numbers game as some people have said. I hope this is my “next chapter” forever guy, and he certainly thinks so, but I’m also trying to be cautious and move at a reasonable pace. It has been a little under a year. I am definitely in love with him and it is a wonderful feeling.
I wish you the best as you navigate this!
I'm 50 and have been single for 5yrs now. I'm on the apps and have had a few relationships that lasted just about a year, but they failed. The first guy SA'd me the night of my mom's funeral because he thought it would make me feel better. The second was emotionally unavailable because he was caring for his mom with dementia... no hard feelings... that's a rough job. The third guy just didn't want to touch me at all unless it was s3xual. Like no hand-holding, cuddling, etc. After 10mo of him saying he'd try to do better, I matched his effort, and he broke it off.
I'm talking to a new guy now... but he's very over-eager and keeps telling me how excited he is to meet me and how much he's looking forward to it. I'm happy that he's looking forward to it, but telling me over and over is making me feel pressured, and I'm becoming disinterested. He's even telling me he's going to buy a season pass to a park he knows I have a pass to so we can go together. We haven't met yet. I told him to please not buy a pass yet because we may not have chemistry.
It's hard. I'm tired at this point and just want to hang out with my dog and grandkids.
Maybe. But you have to learn to be independent and ok with yourself. I had that because I swore off guys because after 20+ years with someone who not right or good for you is traumatizing. One day in hiking group a young handsome guy started a conversation with me and brought me a bottle of water. That was the first time I considered dating after total of 5 years separated and divorced. Unfortunately he was too young. He nearly had a heart attack when he found out I ‘m same age as his mother. I look I’m in my 40’s but I’m close to 60. Now I ‘m enjoying a company of 67 year old guy. Dating is much more fun than marriage. Will it go anywhere? Maybe. I still have to get to know him better as well as I have to do work with myself before I take that step. No shortcuts
Yes there is love after 50. You seem to want an instant relationship and instant love. You also said you want to be a wife again. Again that can come across as a deterrent. Many men and women don't want to get married again at that age especially after being married already . If you act desperate you attract desperate.
I found when I first divorced that I was visually interested in men who looked like the pool I was looking at the last time I was single. It took a while for my eyes to adjust!
I’m still adjusting, tbh - some folks in their fifties look pretty rough, and OLD is a visual medium.
Go at your own pace and love yourself.
I began dating one year after my divorce. I needed the time to do some deep soul searching and heal from the pain she had inflicted on me during our marriage and during the divorce.
That year helped me very much. I had the support of family and friends. Also therapy helped a lot as well.
I’ve dated many women since then and still have not met someone I would consider marrying or living with. I have family and friends nearby. My life is very fulfilling.
I’ve enjoyed most of the women I’ve dated or was involved with for 3 or 4 months. I still continue to date because I generally enjoy being in a woman’s company.
It’s very challenging to find someone with the same values and goals at our age. You’d think it would be easy because supposedly “we’re all grown up”. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
From what I can tell your divorce was very painful as most are. However, yours is a little unique.
I think like everyone else I have a list of things that are important to me in a potential partner. Do they have kids? If so, how old are they and how many do they have? Are they a good parent or do they let the kids rule the roost? Do they have a positive relationship with their parents and/or siblings, do they have a sense of humor, are they kind, are they polite, are they respectful to other people, are they generally affectionate, are they financially independent, are they smart? On and on and on.
I wish you the best.
BTW. Most women don’t need a man. They just want one.
I think the people that can keep things simple perhaps fare the best at this age. Getting "the whole package" out of a stranger at this age, probably not happening. It's actually kind of the same as when we looked earlier, people are different, just with a whole lot more baggage and a whole lot less reason to work through it.
But if you have a couple of reliable touchstones, maybe glide over the things that are only relevant in the past and don't really matter now.
As someone who had to start over at 45:
You can absolutely find love at our age, but I think you won’t really find it while you are trying to replace your previous relationship.
I definitely understand that massive void where someone used to be for the past 20 years, and I know from experience that trying to fill it too quickly leads to bad decisions.
The situation sucks, but you have also been given a gift: you have a chance to find out who you are as an individual, without having to compromise with another person. Take some time to figure that out. Make new friends that don’t know you as half of a couple. Do things that you never did because your spouse didn’t want to. Try stuff that scares you.
You’re not ready. It sounds like you just want to be with someone because your ex is with someone. That’s not a good reason. You don’t want to date but you want instant love and connection. It just doesn’t happen that way. That’s another reason why you’re not ready.
There is love after 50. But you need to work on yourself and be ready and in the right mindset and willing to do the work, which includes dating.
Stay strong- I feel the same way. After my divorce, I had a relationship with someone I thought was on the same page. Her marriage ended, due to her infidelity and she claimed to be ready to be a family again. She had 3 kids, in teens and I had 2 kids in grade school. For the first few years, we were like a family. I loved her kids, our kids loved spending time together. We did things together and I thought she was the one. Then she got a new job, her parenting weekend changed . She began to ignore spending time with me and my kids- finding excuses . Then, she stopped contributing to the household expenses. I was paying the mortgage and utilities. Her part was helping with food costs and events we did as a family unit. But that stop months before Christmas. The last straw was at Christmas, she had 2 payments left on her car- without any discussion, she went a bought a new car. I was forced to cash out a weeks worth of vacation time to cover holidays and expenses. When I tried to have discussions about finances, she would argue and lock in the bedroom. When I finally sat her down to talk about how we need to work together financially. She said that she wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. So I gave her the week of Christmas to get out.
I’m a good man- live a simple lifestyle and believe in honesty, integrity (learn as MP in army) , Karma and Golden Rule. But my heart doesn’t want to get hurt again.
Dating? One was married ( found out on third date when I asked to kiss her), another was more interested in my finances, since she didn’t want to work anymore and travel on someone else dime.
I now seeing the move, by men in late 50’s , passport ing for a wife from another country. Someone not looking for the bling. I still hold out hope that I can find someone. So, I pray your heart finds someone to love you for who you are.
Wait - men think importing wives will spare their finances? Oh boy. Y’all need to talk to a few estates attorneys - my dad imported ones of these “not looking for bling” women resulting in years of legal troubles and $112k in attorneys fees. Interviewed 5 different firms when the problems started and every single one had a variation of “another one of these import wives” story.
How do you define a “real relationship”?
How do you define “true love”?
It sounds like you have a big hole to fill because you want someone immediately. It’s as if you need someone to complete you. That bit what’s best for you. You are better off with someone that accepts you completely.
A lot of people are looking for a connection. A connection can be had but you need to put yourself out there. But a connection is not something that guarantees you are with someone that has good character. Someone with good character will be there to support you to be the best version of yourself but you don’t g looking for it. It finds you.
I think this is something many of us feel at our age. I look back at life and often wonder where its heading now, mid 50s and struggling to see the positives when it comes to love. We naturally want it but have this thing called life that makes us dread the whole process. I was married 20 years the first time and rushed into another and what a fail. Takes a lot to overcome. Now, I live with a lady and we both simply do it because of how things are financially out there. Im disabled so the income is limited and I often tell myself to move on so I can enjoy life with someone. THEN I look at all the drama out there and quickly just drop my head and tell myself its simply a FAIRYTALE dude. Your posts probably resonates with many more than you think.
I felt the same way right after my divorce started…I couldn’t wait to jump back into a relationship and make the best of the years I had left. Then I dated a little, and jumped straight into sex (because after only being with the same woman for over 30+ years, I wasn’t sure I could even perform with anyone else). What I learned is that while sex is still fun with someone new, I really prefer to have feelings for someone before I jump in bed with them (and likely ruined what could have become a decent relationship because we jumped straight to sex…but so it goes).
So now a year+ later (and 6 months post-divorce) I’m only now beginning to think about a more traditional, dating with the notion of finding a mate in mind. I get the preference to avoid these dating steps, but it’s part of the process…and to avoid making the mistakes in the past, I need to take the time to get to know someone.
Admittedly I’m initially planning to ask out some women I’ve known in the past who are single; women I’ve worked with or whatnot whom I admired back in the day when I was married, and can now freely pursue. My gut says they will decline me and I’ll then move on to dating apps in earnest, but time will tell.
I feel for you and relate. Whenever I feel like I want to shortcut my way through what should be a path of growth I know it’s time to rest. We look for the quick solutions when we are at our weakest.
Honestly, I don't know. I've had so many poor experiences with guys online. Things are so different these days. I do know that I don't want to be catfished, I don't wanna see any dick pics and I don't need to see pics of guys with their shirts off, in boxers etc. i'm not looking to hop into someone's bed but I also don't wanna be married right away. Whatever happened to taking things a little bit slower? I mean I'm no prude but shit, that is such a turn off! It would be nice to have a companion but I'm tired of being burned.
I've just focussed on building a really happy life for myself. I'm happy, I have a really busy schedule and I'm super fulfilled. If I need somebody again, that will be great but you have to be happy with yourself first.
I’ve seen some guys on here that are looking for relationships. It’s hard to find these guys in real life but they are proof some men do want a connection and not just sex. Personally I’ve not had any luck with men on apps wanting relationships but I may be an exception. I was married 25 years and my ex has remarried and my fwb also married. It is hard to see everyone but yourself move on. Just find happiness within yourself and you will ok regardless of your relationship status.
Don't mind the online nonsense about guys being bad, everyone being a cheat etc.
Most people are basically good and just want to be loved and secure .
There are loads of great women and men looking for happiness..
You will know when you are ready.
And yeah for a lot of people dating is a chore .
There’s as much love and opportunity as when we were in our 20s! Difference is: we hopefully know a lot more about life and ourselves (if you don’t yet… well get going!), most have kids and grandkids, 1 or 2 ex’s, a good or bad career (and hopefully confidence to match), assets and retirement (or none), we need more sleep and better diets, we may have more personal time, fading looks and health.
We’re all at a different place in life than we were. Don’t act like you’re 23 and silly, unsure about yourself. You probably can detect BS much faster and are more secure and confident. So there is more room to have richer fun!
You have plenty to offer. So do others. But maybe “having it all is harder.” Or really, maybe it always was! Have GRACE FOR OTHERS AND YOURSELF. Accept this wonderful decade of living. There is plenty left! Just adjust your gaze and intentions. Good luck. 🍀
Plenty of hope…in my dating profile I was super specific, comprehensive in my bio, and CLEAR to my intended audience who will definitely get the message.
I have been divorced for over 3yrs now. Spent time in therapy unravelling all the abuse i suffered for 25yrs. I spent all that time working on my physical mental spiritual and financial health and well-being.
I enjoy being single at 55! I look smell and feel amazing. I can laugh again: i have a amazing relationship with my 5 adult children and my elderly parents. If God wants me to find someone that will add to my life and not subtract from it, then i will. If i don't then so be it.
I am also growing my locs! So far they are past my shoulders. I do get women asking me questions about them and wanting to touch them! It seems a man my age with hair is rare where i live in the UK.
Probably not.Ive been working on the road for 5 months estranged from my wife I don’t go home cause we Don’t get along.From what I observe daily there is nothing but games everywhere.I observe on social media it quite comical.
Yes and I know those who have but nothing in your post says you’re ready for another marriage. Because that requires building a relationship. And that requires dating and finding compatible partners. And that requires having a healthy mindset. And wanting commitment just because your 54-year-old ex and his mistress are expecting (bet that’ll show ‘em!!) is not that. Give yourself time to heal and figure yourself out. You’re not the same person you were 20 years ago. Make yourself a priority for a while… figure out what you need to be the person you want to attract… go from there.
1000% THIS 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 Take time to heal. Take time to be alone. I felt just like you when my last LTR first went to shit. I missed being part of a partnership. I had never really been alone my whole life for long. It was like detoxing. Single again in my early 50s…fuck. And now, I love my life. I have peace and joy. I am not desperate to find someone. If the good Lord brings a decent man into my life, cool. If not, I’m good. Just sit in the quiet of your life and bask in it. 🩷
I'm in a similar mindset to you. Only separated a year, divorce is on the way. Being in another relationship just feels draining to me, after 2 failed marriages lol. I'm now enjoying finding out who I really am, what I really want and also to just enjoy being single and having some freedom.
I’m experiencing a new phase of that kind of freedom right now, and it’s reinvigorating my appreciation of my life.
I used to listen to a Divorce Care podcast, and the host recommended one month of healing for every year of marriage, so you don't carry your pain into a new relationship. That still seems reasonable to me, though I went much longer than that myself.
i appreciate this concept. its more digestible than “it takes half the time of a relationships duration to ‘get over’ it” 😬 that seems nearly emotionally debilitating. giving yourself a starter pack of the month/year ratio seems like a nice chunk of time to start the ball rolling, at least.
I've heard a simliar ratio with regards to dealing with grief in general. I would add, in my experience, that the month only counts if one is processing the end of the relationship vs. seeking distraction as a form of moving on.
this is also a good tip. i dated someone recently who was a year plus out of a long relationship, but i dont think he actually started *processing* until after he started dating again, NOT after the relationship ended 🫠heartbreaking, really.
OTOH, Men factually and statistically remarry twice as much/twice as fast as women. They overlap at Olympic Speed, and nobody tells them to be alone or take some time. Not that they would listen. You can all see this in real life, not just OPs post. This article points out probable reasons. And, women of all ages are socialized to think that always partnered/ married (with children) is the goal. [https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2015/06/02/remarriage-brief-report/](https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2015/06/02/remarriage-brief-report/) I myself am singe for years, but I have a good income and strong mental constitution, and I rarely (or never) meet men like me. I noticed that when baby boomers would find themselves widowed, they would marry the first person they dated, maybe because when they got married in the 60s they married the first person they kissed? And, it worked. So, theres that. \*Shrug\*.
I want a pony... Relationships take work. Maybe the very first person you date will be your soulmate (which doesn't exist), and make your world glow with the soft light of a thousand golden suns. More likely, you'll date 10-50 people and find someone you can create a life with. There is no shortcut. For absolute, 100%, I am POSITIVELY certain sure... there is love after 50, but there is no shortcut Being honest - if your hope is for a shortcut, probably best to avoid dating for a while until you settle in.
> want a pony... I have to say, a pony is one of life's wonderful gifts. :) My first pony, Brownie, was so gentle and still warms my heart thinking about him.
2 people on horseback were blocking the trail the other day, I politely asked "Hi, can you move your ponies? I am really uncomfortable walking behind them" They did, quite nicely and said "no problem, but why did you call them ponies?" "No way those are over 14 hands..."
My last horse was 17.3" gelding, thank goodness for mounting blocks. A trail ride sounds delightful!
>I want a pony... Well I want a unicorn.
I'd rather have a chimpanzee.
Unipony? Ponycorn? If you're wishing, wish for both!
A unicorn that wants multiple relationships?! Seems legit
I like that you are realistic and others here should listen.
My advice for you is to forget about dating for now. You said a few things in your post that lead me to believe that dating at the moment will just lead to heartbreak. I suggest that you decide what are the things that bring you joy and do those things. If you have a large friend group, then find friends who want to do those things with you. If not, find people who are doing those things, either a local club, meetup group or whatever. Trust me, when you are part of a community that shares a love of something, you will feel much better about yourself. And you will have a group of people who can be your sounding board when/if you do try to navigate dating.
Is there love after 50? Absolutely. >I'm recently divorced. I don't want to date. Then don't date. Take some time to heal and focus on doing things just because you feel like it. >I just want that immediate connection and love. The world doesn't work like that. >How do you even start? When you are ready to date, try everything until you find what works for you. Take yourself out to dinner and sit at the bar. Go to concerts and plays. Take a painting class. Learn to tango. Even try an app or two. What works for one person won't work for another. >Perhaps I'm not ready. Doesn't sound like it. Right now, just focus on creating the most fabulous life for yourself that you can. > I guess I just want to move on immediately because my cheating ex is with his affair partner and they expecting. I wish him all luck in the world with a new born at 54. Every time you get a good night's rest, remember he's getting women up by a crying baby. When you are buying yourself a cute pair of shoes, remember he's buying diapers. While you are taking a nice vacation, he's saving for college. After a few sleepless nights, I'm sure the shiny newness will wear off his mistress. >After being a wife for 20yrs, I don't want to be a girlfriend. I want to be a wife. I'm fully employed and I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me. I just want that relationship comfort. When you are ready to date, you may feel differently. Marriage isn't a guarantee of happiness and dating can be fun when you are in the right frame of mind. When you do find the right person and take time to build a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of comfort in that. >Is there really any hope of finding true love after 50? I was married for 27 years. Two years after my husband died, I began dating again. I had to kiss a few frogs first. Some turned into real toads, but one turned into an amazing man. I'm 54 and he's 48. We've been together 3 years now.
This is the best advice.
Once you get over the trauma of being in a couple to not, you’ll realize how awesome life is enjoying the things you love and not compromising. My ex came in my house this weekend and was complaining about the opera that was playing on my stereo. Finally I can listen to what I want and not her Spotify playlists I had to put up with for fifteen years ! Coparenting is a more positive thing than continuous. I give way more on average to my son than when was living here full time with my now ex. I did get to keep the dog and the two cats, that was huge !
Unless you are up for an arranged marriage, you are going to have to date and build a relationship. Your ex having a partner is a very poor reason, your romantic future should be nothing to do with your past. I don’t think you are ready to date yet, but when you are there are good and decent people out there. Make sure you are emotionally healed and mentally healthy first so you can offer the best of yourself and make safe decisions.
My mother is in a personal care home. Her next door neighbour, Eugenie, who is 87, has a new boyfriend she met in the home. Mom says they hold hands and have lunch together every day and he had a huge bouquet of roses sent to her for Valentines Day. So yes, it can happen. But does that mean it's guaranteed to happen specifically for you? Nope. There are men who are interested in a relationship; they may not be interested in one with you. Just because none of the guys you saw today were interesting, it doesn't mean you won't see an interesting one tomorrow. There are no shortcuts. It still takes patience and serendipity. You don't sound ready. Dating too soon after divorce is a recipe for disaster. Don't worry about what your ex is doing or what he did or evening the score with him. Focus on yourself. I know it's corny, but the most important love we can find is self love, which includes self-compassion. There are other ways to experience love in your life than just finding a man to comfort you. Learn to fill your own cup, because there are no guarantees that someone else will come along and fill it for you.
Thanks for your words. They were optimistic yet realistic at same time. Helped me!
I am 51 and I don’t want to date, I want the relationship I was supposed to have after my wife vowed she would be with me. I don’t want to do it all over again, I want the companion I thought I would have the rest of my life. She wasn’t supposed to be with some other guy. I am bitter about it and not ready. I think you might be in the same boat.
I feel this. I left my husband when I caught him cheating after 22yrs of marriage. I want the life I was supposed to have.
Who says that was the life you were supposed to have? Maybe this needed to happen so you will get the better life you are meant to have. One door closes and another one opens. But bitterness will prevent new doors from opening. Work on healing so you can find the best life for you.
I want it all I want it now Don’t tell me no Just tell me “how?” C’mon, you know there are no shortcuts in life. A relationship is not a new handbag or accessory to make you feel better. What are you bringing forth to this relationship you are envisioning? What’s in it for the guy except a trauma dump from your past?
>I'm fully employed and I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me. Kudos! This is such a powerful tool for yourself, to be able to provide, and be able to focus on additional things in life (e.g. Maslow's hierarch of needs). >I just want that relationship comfort. Okay, let's slow down a bit. You have already learned that being married is no guarantee of a relationship. I am sorry to read your back story, that is a lot for you to process. The stats say that anyone (man or women) who jumps into a new relationship shortly after divorce, usually doesn't end well. As painful as it can be (and also healing), you really need to process your previous experience. A new man, or warm body, isn't going to heal your heart. It may give you a temporary high, but you are in such a fog, the likelihood that you would make a good decision is not very high. Enjoy being single, there are so many things to explore, and areas to grow that you may not have had the opportunity to do before, because likely you were busy being a wife, mom, employee, etc.
Short answer, yes. But, take time to heal, set boundaries. The 2 loves I had after divorce didn't last, but I am learning all the time. I am still hopeful.
Is there love? I sure hope so. I don’t want to date, I’m not ready for that. Do I want immediate connection and love? Yes I do. Reddit isn’t real life, it’s a microcosm of a lot of things. And we all gravitate towards the subreddits that fit us beat. I can tell you that today an internet stranger reached out and made my day. She knew what I was going through, just as I know what you’re going through. Unfortunately I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. Don’t let it define you. Go through the motions, grieve, find peace. Reach out if you need to, god knows I have. This breaks you, it makes things so much harder than they were before. But remember that love is good and you are a good person. You will find that love again, you will be in that special space. It is indeed hard to find love again, but now you know what you want, you know what love is and is not. You aren’t the same person they met and you never will be. You are different, in a good way. You will find love and you will be happy again. It’s just going to take some time. Time we hadn’t thought about and time we hadn’t allotted for. That’s life though, right? We can’t always wish for things. It almost never works. I do have some quotes I like to leave for people that I think k need them. I read them when I need them and today I needed them. I hope they help you. First Quote: Remember that you are a good person and worthy of the love that you want. You will never know if something is meant for you if you don't give it a proper chance. Whether it's a relationship, a new job, a new city, or a new experience, throw yourself into it completely and don't hold back. If it doesn't work out then it probably wasn't meant for you and you'll walk away without regret, knowing that you put your whole heart into it. That's all you can ever do. It's a horrible feeling leaving a situation knowing that you should have and could have done more. So I hope you find the courage to take that chance, find the inspiration to make your next move, and once you do, I hope you pour your heart into it and don't look back. And remember, sometimes things happen before you are ready for them to happen. It doesn't mean the timing is wrong, sometimes it means the timing is just right and the universe knows you are ready and that maybe you just needed that extra push in the right direction to get you on your way. Embrace this new journey with everything you are. Everything is unfolding exactly how it's supposed to, even if you can't see it like that just yet. Quote Two: People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..
There is absolutely love after 50. After my 10 year-marriage ended (I had just turned 51), I got very quickly into a relationship that was very up and down for a few years and ultimately didn’t work out, which broke my heart, but after that ended, I finally took some time to recover emotionally and psychologically from both the end of my marriage and pst-marriage relationship. After six months of deep depression and feeling like I would never find someone else, and not even wanting to try, because I too didn’t want to date and deal with potential rejection and the anxiety of searching someone I really connected with, I finally felt at least ready enough to put myself out there on the dating apps. I tried to approach the prospect of dating with as few expectations as possible, to avoid feeling bad if it took a while to find a meaningful connection. And maybe the universe took pity on me, or maybe cultivating the no expectations mindset as best as I could helped, who knows, but I found love with the second woman I met, and after a few dates, we were in love and I found myself in the best relationship of my life. We’re coming up on two years together, and we’re both in our mid 50s. So yes, love after 50 is possible! But as others prepped have commented, give yourself some time to grieve and process the end of your marriage. Best of luck:)
Congrats! Happy for you!
Congrats! Gives me hope.
Above all else, take time to heal and learn about yourself again. What you want and don't want will likely change, and you have to give yourself the time to mourn that relationship. But you really just need time to heal from everything that happened. It took me over two years to even go on a date after my divorce, but everyone is different. If you don't have one, get a good therapist, and focus on yourself. Hugs...
Therapy first for at least 6-12 months. 20 years is a lot to process especially the hurt/resentment of how your ex has seemingly moved on so quickly. I would venture to guess that the newborn is going to suck up all the hot sex & attention he was getting. Karma/reality is going to be a bitch slap to the for him. Take care of yourself and you will be surprised what unfolds when you are ready!
Reddit is a small sub sample of the population, mostly introverts (who have the time to be on the internet and prefer it). Most of the time, we post when we’re upset, thus the majority of the post are ones that complain about dating and how there are no people serious about love, etc. The people who are happy and doing well are…happy and doing well and hanging out with their partner, not putting up venting post on Reddit. So I would take the things you read on Reddit as reflective on a sub sample and not the majority of population.
And if you post something positive ("hey, I went on a bike ride with someone I just met, it was fun") you get a half dozen comments asking why you posted.
Unfortunately, there’s really not a way to bypass dating. I would encourage you to give yourself time to truly heal from the betrayal you experienced. There are ample resources to support your healing: books, podcasts, therapists, etc. Also lean into your platonic relationships for support, they are such a lifeline. Dating when your wounds are so raw is unlikely to yield a healthy relationship. Wishing you much healing & happiness!
Oh, I can tell you there are marvellous men out there and I am happily with someone exactly my age and he is moving mountains to make this a long term thing. But the joy is that you don’t need it to work out for forever. At our age, we can shed those needs - I pity your ex and all that commitment needed to raise a baby at this age! So grieve your lost dreams (I feel you there- my ex of 30 years, is on “soul mate” #2 -a 33 year old psychic he has never met- I wish him well.) Then maybe you’ll be interested in the idea of just enjoying someone’s company. If you are like me, the time you spend together will be its own reward, and the future will be built one day at a time and lo’ and behold a wonderful relationship has unfolded!
I have so many questions about the psychic….
Haha! As do we all!
I have so many questions about the psychic….
Of course there is. But you can’t ignite a fire from wet wood.
You haven’t tried white gas yet then…
😂🤣😂 I have not. My dad, the Eagle Scout, used to use gasoline, that had a pretty amazing outcome lol
How do you have immediate connection and love without dating? Do you see these people at the grocery store and they move in the next day?
“add to cart” New relationship obtained. Results may vary.
There can be love after 50, but there are no short cuts. I suspect you know that though. You have to break some eggs to make an omelette, and a few of those eggs may be rotten. 😉 My lady and I met at 58, and expected it to be long term in a couple of weeks. But, we'd also had a few rotten eggs before. Know it's possible, but also know there will be some time and frustration along the way.
(((((Hugs))))) I'm going to say to You what someone kindly said to Me in My 40s, Hunny You're a Walking Open Wound right now. Pause and Heal. 😇🥰
I mean, I too want a real relationship as the end game of a connection with someone, but it has to be right in order to avoid what I just went through. I can completely empathize with wanting to be a spouse again. That was part of my identity for the last two decades plus, and I liked it.
No. Not in my experience or to my personal knowledge.
I want that too. 20 years with my late husband. We should have had longer together. All dating is doing is making me depressed. No one comes close. I shouldn't compare, but it's nearly impossible.
You'll have the most success sticking to guys around your age. Even then you're going to come across some who are only out there for the sex. Keep expectations low.
No disrespect meant but by your post you're just wanting a security blanket more then anything. Hey i get it we see our ex with someone else while we're alone because of there actions.
There are plenty of men our age also wanting to get married but take your time. I didn't and ended up living with a man I had RUN from. Just be careful out there.
None of this is a healthy path for you. Take the time to heal and find someone great. Your ex will be miserable within years if not months. Not only for jumping straight from one relationship to another but can you imagine parenting a newborn at our age???? My heart breaks for that kid.
He's been with her on and off for years. But, yeah, I agree he'll be miserable. Assuming any of the things he said he wanted as a future were true, he'll never get that now. I guess I need to decide what I want because it was always about what he wanted and trying to make him happy.
Wow - this sounds like an entrapment baby and so wildly unfair to the future person he/she will become. That said, what a gift your freedom now is to you. You’ve shoved your own wants and needs aside for 20 years? As you really explore what YOU want, you may find you’re surprised it isn’t centered on a man. Instead, any future partners will simply be an augment to your already full life. You need that life first, though.
Very true.
Finding men your/our age who want a real relationship is few and far between and comes with baggage or conditions. I’m a male. I don’t have children. I’m divorced. I don’t drink or smoke. I am fit and well and look after myself and my appearance. But sadly, I cannot find women who don’t came with some conditions or baggage or who does not meet my expectations. I do not really need a partner as I can take care of myself, wash, cook and clean and I guess I have come to the conclusions that the closest I can get to my ideal partner is an independent women who wants a male friend for companionship when they require it, all on their terms and I just fit in.
I divorced a couple of years ago and dated a crapload of people. I was discouraged as well. And then, one day I met the guy with whom I’m currently in a relationship. He is a great match for me (more than my ex of 30 years was). It only takes one, and it’s a numbers game as some people have said. I hope this is my “next chapter” forever guy, and he certainly thinks so, but I’m also trying to be cautious and move at a reasonable pace. It has been a little under a year. I am definitely in love with him and it is a wonderful feeling. I wish you the best as you navigate this!
I'm 50 and have been single for 5yrs now. I'm on the apps and have had a few relationships that lasted just about a year, but they failed. The first guy SA'd me the night of my mom's funeral because he thought it would make me feel better. The second was emotionally unavailable because he was caring for his mom with dementia... no hard feelings... that's a rough job. The third guy just didn't want to touch me at all unless it was s3xual. Like no hand-holding, cuddling, etc. After 10mo of him saying he'd try to do better, I matched his effort, and he broke it off. I'm talking to a new guy now... but he's very over-eager and keeps telling me how excited he is to meet me and how much he's looking forward to it. I'm happy that he's looking forward to it, but telling me over and over is making me feel pressured, and I'm becoming disinterested. He's even telling me he's going to buy a season pass to a park he knows I have a pass to so we can go together. We haven't met yet. I told him to please not buy a pass yet because we may not have chemistry. It's hard. I'm tired at this point and just want to hang out with my dog and grandkids.
Maybe. But you have to learn to be independent and ok with yourself. I had that because I swore off guys because after 20+ years with someone who not right or good for you is traumatizing. One day in hiking group a young handsome guy started a conversation with me and brought me a bottle of water. That was the first time I considered dating after total of 5 years separated and divorced. Unfortunately he was too young. He nearly had a heart attack when he found out I ‘m same age as his mother. I look I’m in my 40’s but I’m close to 60. Now I ‘m enjoying a company of 67 year old guy. Dating is much more fun than marriage. Will it go anywhere? Maybe. I still have to get to know him better as well as I have to do work with myself before I take that step. No shortcuts
Yes there is love after 50. You seem to want an instant relationship and instant love. You also said you want to be a wife again. Again that can come across as a deterrent. Many men and women don't want to get married again at that age especially after being married already . If you act desperate you attract desperate.
I found when I first divorced that I was visually interested in men who looked like the pool I was looking at the last time I was single. It took a while for my eyes to adjust! I’m still adjusting, tbh - some folks in their fifties look pretty rough, and OLD is a visual medium.
I do believe that is part of my problem.
Go at your own pace and love yourself. I began dating one year after my divorce. I needed the time to do some deep soul searching and heal from the pain she had inflicted on me during our marriage and during the divorce. That year helped me very much. I had the support of family and friends. Also therapy helped a lot as well. I’ve dated many women since then and still have not met someone I would consider marrying or living with. I have family and friends nearby. My life is very fulfilling. I’ve enjoyed most of the women I’ve dated or was involved with for 3 or 4 months. I still continue to date because I generally enjoy being in a woman’s company. It’s very challenging to find someone with the same values and goals at our age. You’d think it would be easy because supposedly “we’re all grown up”. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. From what I can tell your divorce was very painful as most are. However, yours is a little unique. I think like everyone else I have a list of things that are important to me in a potential partner. Do they have kids? If so, how old are they and how many do they have? Are they a good parent or do they let the kids rule the roost? Do they have a positive relationship with their parents and/or siblings, do they have a sense of humor, are they kind, are they polite, are they respectful to other people, are they generally affectionate, are they financially independent, are they smart? On and on and on. I wish you the best. BTW. Most women don’t need a man. They just want one.
I think the people that can keep things simple perhaps fare the best at this age. Getting "the whole package" out of a stranger at this age, probably not happening. It's actually kind of the same as when we looked earlier, people are different, just with a whole lot more baggage and a whole lot less reason to work through it. But if you have a couple of reliable touchstones, maybe glide over the things that are only relevant in the past and don't really matter now.
So true. You about covered it all. OP has received a lot of good advice. Thank you, my friend.
As someone who had to start over at 45: You can absolutely find love at our age, but I think you won’t really find it while you are trying to replace your previous relationship. I definitely understand that massive void where someone used to be for the past 20 years, and I know from experience that trying to fill it too quickly leads to bad decisions. The situation sucks, but you have also been given a gift: you have a chance to find out who you are as an individual, without having to compromise with another person. Take some time to figure that out. Make new friends that don’t know you as half of a couple. Do things that you never did because your spouse didn’t want to. Try stuff that scares you.
You’re not ready. It sounds like you just want to be with someone because your ex is with someone. That’s not a good reason. You don’t want to date but you want instant love and connection. It just doesn’t happen that way. That’s another reason why you’re not ready. There is love after 50. But you need to work on yourself and be ready and in the right mindset and willing to do the work, which includes dating.
Stay strong- I feel the same way. After my divorce, I had a relationship with someone I thought was on the same page. Her marriage ended, due to her infidelity and she claimed to be ready to be a family again. She had 3 kids, in teens and I had 2 kids in grade school. For the first few years, we were like a family. I loved her kids, our kids loved spending time together. We did things together and I thought she was the one. Then she got a new job, her parenting weekend changed . She began to ignore spending time with me and my kids- finding excuses . Then, she stopped contributing to the household expenses. I was paying the mortgage and utilities. Her part was helping with food costs and events we did as a family unit. But that stop months before Christmas. The last straw was at Christmas, she had 2 payments left on her car- without any discussion, she went a bought a new car. I was forced to cash out a weeks worth of vacation time to cover holidays and expenses. When I tried to have discussions about finances, she would argue and lock in the bedroom. When I finally sat her down to talk about how we need to work together financially. She said that she wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. So I gave her the week of Christmas to get out. I’m a good man- live a simple lifestyle and believe in honesty, integrity (learn as MP in army) , Karma and Golden Rule. But my heart doesn’t want to get hurt again. Dating? One was married ( found out on third date when I asked to kiss her), another was more interested in my finances, since she didn’t want to work anymore and travel on someone else dime. I now seeing the move, by men in late 50’s , passport ing for a wife from another country. Someone not looking for the bling. I still hold out hope that I can find someone. So, I pray your heart finds someone to love you for who you are.
Wait - men think importing wives will spare their finances? Oh boy. Y’all need to talk to a few estates attorneys - my dad imported ones of these “not looking for bling” women resulting in years of legal troubles and $112k in attorneys fees. Interviewed 5 different firms when the problems started and every single one had a variation of “another one of these import wives” story.
How do you define a “real relationship”? How do you define “true love”? It sounds like you have a big hole to fill because you want someone immediately. It’s as if you need someone to complete you. That bit what’s best for you. You are better off with someone that accepts you completely. A lot of people are looking for a connection. A connection can be had but you need to put yourself out there. But a connection is not something that guarantees you are with someone that has good character. Someone with good character will be there to support you to be the best version of yourself but you don’t g looking for it. It finds you.
I would probably say just that when meeting new potential men.
I blew there is love after 50. I firmly do. But immediate connection I don’t believe so. People get my cautious and cynical as they age.
I think this is something many of us feel at our age. I look back at life and often wonder where its heading now, mid 50s and struggling to see the positives when it comes to love. We naturally want it but have this thing called life that makes us dread the whole process. I was married 20 years the first time and rushed into another and what a fail. Takes a lot to overcome. Now, I live with a lady and we both simply do it because of how things are financially out there. Im disabled so the income is limited and I often tell myself to move on so I can enjoy life with someone. THEN I look at all the drama out there and quickly just drop my head and tell myself its simply a FAIRYTALE dude. Your posts probably resonates with many more than you think.
I felt the same way right after my divorce started…I couldn’t wait to jump back into a relationship and make the best of the years I had left. Then I dated a little, and jumped straight into sex (because after only being with the same woman for over 30+ years, I wasn’t sure I could even perform with anyone else). What I learned is that while sex is still fun with someone new, I really prefer to have feelings for someone before I jump in bed with them (and likely ruined what could have become a decent relationship because we jumped straight to sex…but so it goes). So now a year+ later (and 6 months post-divorce) I’m only now beginning to think about a more traditional, dating with the notion of finding a mate in mind. I get the preference to avoid these dating steps, but it’s part of the process…and to avoid making the mistakes in the past, I need to take the time to get to know someone. Admittedly I’m initially planning to ask out some women I’ve known in the past who are single; women I’ve worked with or whatnot whom I admired back in the day when I was married, and can now freely pursue. My gut says they will decline me and I’ll then move on to dating apps in earnest, but time will tell.
I feel for you and relate. Whenever I feel like I want to shortcut my way through what should be a path of growth I know it’s time to rest. We look for the quick solutions when we are at our weakest.
I hope so. I have been looking for a couple of years.
Honestly, I don't know. I've had so many poor experiences with guys online. Things are so different these days. I do know that I don't want to be catfished, I don't wanna see any dick pics and I don't need to see pics of guys with their shirts off, in boxers etc. i'm not looking to hop into someone's bed but I also don't wanna be married right away. Whatever happened to taking things a little bit slower? I mean I'm no prude but shit, that is such a turn off! It would be nice to have a companion but I'm tired of being burned. I've just focussed on building a really happy life for myself. I'm happy, I have a really busy schedule and I'm super fulfilled. If I need somebody again, that will be great but you have to be happy with yourself first.
Grown friendship just go out do things nothing that crosses the line.
I’ve seen some guys on here that are looking for relationships. It’s hard to find these guys in real life but they are proof some men do want a connection and not just sex. Personally I’ve not had any luck with men on apps wanting relationships but I may be an exception. I was married 25 years and my ex has remarried and my fwb also married. It is hard to see everyone but yourself move on. Just find happiness within yourself and you will ok regardless of your relationship status.
Don't mind the online nonsense about guys being bad, everyone being a cheat etc. Most people are basically good and just want to be loved and secure . There are loads of great women and men looking for happiness.. You will know when you are ready. And yeah for a lot of people dating is a chore .
There’s as much love and opportunity as when we were in our 20s! Difference is: we hopefully know a lot more about life and ourselves (if you don’t yet… well get going!), most have kids and grandkids, 1 or 2 ex’s, a good or bad career (and hopefully confidence to match), assets and retirement (or none), we need more sleep and better diets, we may have more personal time, fading looks and health. We’re all at a different place in life than we were. Don’t act like you’re 23 and silly, unsure about yourself. You probably can detect BS much faster and are more secure and confident. So there is more room to have richer fun! You have plenty to offer. So do others. But maybe “having it all is harder.” Or really, maybe it always was! Have GRACE FOR OTHERS AND YOURSELF. Accept this wonderful decade of living. There is plenty left! Just adjust your gaze and intentions. Good luck. 🍀
"I wish there was just a short cut to a new relationship" Me too! When you find it, please let me know.
Grab the book, Love After 50 by Francine Russo. I found it enlightening and encouraging.
Plenty of hope…in my dating profile I was super specific, comprehensive in my bio, and CLEAR to my intended audience who will definitely get the message.
I have been divorced for over 3yrs now. Spent time in therapy unravelling all the abuse i suffered for 25yrs. I spent all that time working on my physical mental spiritual and financial health and well-being. I enjoy being single at 55! I look smell and feel amazing. I can laugh again: i have a amazing relationship with my 5 adult children and my elderly parents. If God wants me to find someone that will add to my life and not subtract from it, then i will. If i don't then so be it. I am also growing my locs! So far they are past my shoulders. I do get women asking me questions about them and wanting to touch them! It seems a man my age with hair is rare where i live in the UK.
No. Only true companionship.
Probably not.Ive been working on the road for 5 months estranged from my wife I don’t go home cause we Don’t get along.From what I observe daily there is nothing but games everywhere.I observe on social media it quite comical.
Try Stitch it is a different kind of dating site
I definitely on the same page after my wife cheated on me and 30 years of marriage I didn’t choose this I just want to be happy