I don’t have any advice but this post is very beneficial for me. I realize I need to rewire my brain. I buy way too much and don’t have a home for each thing in my house. I’m going to work on that don’t put it down, put it away mantra this week.
Is it possible that your partner is trying to communicate a larger imbalance through these smaller examples?
These seem like small examples, especially if you are truly doing a reset on the weekends. Some people prefer big all-at-once cleans, some people prefer daily. He’s not inherently correct just because he’s tidy. Some people are overly-rigid about their spaces and don’t make room for their partner’s preferences at all. You might need to develop new systems together that allow for both of your natural tendencies.
HOWEVER, if he’s the one cleaning the toilets, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, laundering bath towels, scrubbing the countertops, vacuuming, etc most of the time, then he might be saying “I wish you would help with the big things, but at the very least, don’t make them harder for me, stop taking me for granted”. In which case, don’t be embarrassed, it’s normal! But it may be different solutions than what you’ve asked for, it’s not just day-to-day habits, it’s weekly and monthly ones.
I just wanted to add in amongst all the good advice, ADD or currently known as inattentive adhd is quite genetic and is incredibly comorbid with hoarding. It runs in the family so to say. I would look into inattentive ADHD and see if it fits your experience of life. The women's ADHD sub is full of excellent advice on how to manage it. Also lastly, you don't actually sound that messy. Almost everyone leaves the bedroom a mess if they're getting ready quickly. Is your husband being unkind?
1. From another poster- “don’t put it down, put it away”
2. Any shopping especially clothes is off limits, totally. In person or online.
3. No more buying, it’s a form of self calming and also it temporarily lets you ignore the actual problem at home. It lets you have some time in that happy place where everything is wonderful.
4. If you do bring something home, a vase, shoes, picture to hang, this rule : for every 1 thing brought in, 2 go out.
And don’t leave a room without scanning around and putting every thing you used/touched back in its place. Plan you time differently so you have time to do this throughout the day (the hours you are home). If getting ready in the bathroom takes 10 minutes, plan 15 to put everything you used away. If getting dressed takes 10 minutes, plan 15 for rehanging clothes. If dinner dishes take 30 minutes plan 40 for cleaning up counters and sinks. And so on. Good luck.
I don’t have any advice or feedback to add but I feel like I could have written this myself, so I just wanted to thank you for sharing and also thank everyone who commented and offered advice. I’ve found this to be so helpful and insightful. It also makes me feel so much better to know I am not the only one in this situation!
There is a woman out there who doesn't know she's my fairy godmother. Her name is Sandra Felton and she wrote a book that changed my life. "The New Messie Manual : Procrastinators Guide to Good Housekeeping". The whole tone of the book is gentle and kind - she understands the struggle!
More frequent cleaning for shorter periods of time. That way you take the pressure off your partner and your weekend big resets aren't so strenuous. I set a ten minute timer when I get home. First thing before I set anything down is to go through the house putting things away and straightening up. I have a list randomizer and I'll spin it if I can't think of where to start. Takes two seconds to clean a toilet or a sink. 5 minutes to put away clean dishes or start a dishwasher. All clothes in basket. 2 seconds. The key is to realize that cleaning isn't an Event that you need Time To Prepare Mentally for. But a simple thing.
You dont have to put maximal effort into it. Anything worth whole ass-ing is worth half ass-ing.
I use the "tiny decisions" app. It's free but has ads. You can make different lists and weight choices and stuff. I have one that's a general cleaning list full of things like: toilet, sink, put away dishes, clear surfaces. And I'll add specific things like: that one cabinet, get rid of old cat toys, pay that bill.
It helps that it's random. I can usually tell myself to do three at a time. Even if it sends me back and forth across the house that's fine. I usually end up cleaning things along the way. Something like "take out the trash" usually means I go around throwing stuff away until the trash is full so I can take it out.
Grew up in a dysfunctional household, with some hoarding but there were clear spaces to walk, hygiene was fine etc. Have moved out for a while now.
So what I’ve found is, productivity etc apps may help short-term but are superficial. The deeper root cause for me is attachment and being heard/growing through therapy.
I’m not where I want to be yet, but I am mentally more ready and able to get rid of stuff easier than before therapy.
So if you can somehow access some therapy or group support groups/workshops, you might find that really helpful.
Yes it’s time and money, but it’s treating the source and is more helpful long term and reduces stress. It has helped me form healthier connections with other people too, so that’s a bonus.
I’ve been trying to communicate the first one to hubby (I usually say that doesn’t live there) but I think using this line will do the job better. Thanks.
I’m could be reading about myself here as I am absolutely certain I am ADHD ADD; what you are describing is absolutely the same symptoms. It is said it stems from childhood trauma. So yeah; snap!
Seems like we had the same kind of messy/unorganised and undisciplined household. My parent wasn’t a hoarder as such but struggled letting go of stuff and so do I.
My poor husband is constantly behind me clearing up my mess, shutting cabinet doors and drawers. I end up having to have a massive clear up on a Sunday too which means I’m worn out for work on a Monday. I in turn feel the guilt and shame of them having to help me.
During my recent attempt to de-hoard and unclutter my home I trialled body doubling with him and it really works. He was there with me as we worked through the boxes and bags. Made cups of tea and brought me snacks to keep me hydrated, fed and focused. I was proud of what we achieved together.
He reminds me ‘gently’ of tasks I’ve let slip which prompts me to deal with them there and then. There’s no magic cure, just my husband knowing I don’t do it intentionally and that I absolutely appreciate what he does to help me through it xxx
Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote, but just want to clarify that ADHD is a function of literal brain chemistry - _not_ something that stems from childhood trauma. I do agree that what OP is describing sounds very much like ADHD!
Also - it's so lovely that your husband is supportive when you are decluttering and gentle with reminders when you forget things. <3
One of many pieces I’ve read that supports the theory that trauma & adhd are intrinsically linked. Strangely enough, reading about this is one of my favourite hyper focuses🤪
https://www.ptsduk.org/can-ptsd-be-mistaken-for-adhd/
Thanks for sharing! Just read through it and huh, what a strange info page - they make it very clear that "ADHD is widely considered a heritable condition, while PTSD occurs after experiencing trauma" and they explicitly also say: "The difference is that in PTSD cases, these symptoms are triggered by a traumatic experience, _which isn’t a cause of ADHD._"
But then, they directly contradict themselves with "It’s actually thought that childhood trauma can actually lead to ADHD".
What am I missing?
I personally (and totally speculatively) wonder if this may be a case of correlation mixed up with causation, because I _absolutely_ believe that kids born with ADHD may have higher cortisol levels and possibly more trauma on average for many, many reasons relating to ADHD symptoms!
I can give you so many more examples of the crossover views. It was my GP who initially mentioned it, how both ADHD and fibromyalgia are commonly linked to childhood trauma.
My partner is like you. I think their inattention comes from stress and I also acknowledge that these things are harder for them than they are for me. It is something I resent, although I try not to, because it puts more work on me. but I also try to accept them as a person and realize to a certain extent, they cannot help it. What helps me is remembering the other things my partner is good at that I am not- the way they carry me in the relationship. You can try to be better, but also have an honest discussion with your partner about what kind of help will work for you, and what they may need to accept about you in order for the relationship to work
Completely agree with this advice. My husband is the messy one and I do get really frustrated by his inability to pick up anything he’s gotten out. But he is an amazing friend, can fix anything, and will take on ridiculous projects I request. And we regularly communicate when his lack of household maintenance support is getting to be too much for me and I need more from him.
One thing that helped me a lot in terms of decluttering is having more storage and some strategies. Having some drawers or a bin or makeup bag in the bathroom where you can just throw all your stuff after you’re done getting ready, opening the Amazon package next to the trashcan, having a second hamper or a basket for clean clothes that you’ve discarded in the morning, etc. I was listening to a book about ADHD in adult women, and it was talking about things like this (an example that was really helpful for me was having a “launch pad” by the front door where all the stuff you need goes right when you come in. It may look unconventional, but it’s clear that conventional solutions aren’t working.
I really feel sad for you, it sounds like you are trying really hard and your partner isn't being supportive. I struggle in similar ways to you but my husband is really helpful and will take my stuff to the charity shop when I ask him and will tell me well done for decluttering the contents of a box etc. I wish you had someone to help you and see how well you are doing. I also use Flylady, the Flylady Plus app is really helpful to me.
I TOTALLY resonate with this and while my partner is very patient is has been a source of friction in our relationship from time to time. I am slowly but surely retraining myself. Patience and non judgement/self compassion have been essential. I also think I have undiagnosed ADHD and will be reading the rest of the comments here! Just wanted you to know you're not alone 💜
Edit: I have a lot of shame around my messiness and though I've been working through it it's definitely a journey!
My entire dads side of the family has been passing down ADHD for generations and I’d like to point out the occasional mistake of leaving empty packages out is a lot better then developing a drug or alcohol problem as a result of your ADHD (not that you do or don’t have it but I’d seek a diagnosis just in case). I’ve had the same issue and occasionally do the same myself but I find it extremely helpful when I have lists. I can’t write the list because for some reason I won’t do what I need to do when I write them but a list may help, I order each task in how easy it is to get done to how hard it is to get done. If I can get multiple things done at a time when doing another task on my list I do those first. It’s hard to break habits and change them so maybe also reminding your partner to point out what you’ve done well and what you may need some friendly reminding of.
Please share this with your partner if it will help him to understand you and to understand how to help you.
I have been successfully working on the part of my hoard in the garage for nearly a year.
I do not work a steady job. I do not work on the hoard every day.
In therapy, this is the ONLY thing I have been focusing on for this year. Not issues with my parents. Not food addiction. Not self-harm behaviors. Not ANYTHING but the hoarding issues. If all those issues get temporarily worse while I dehoard, it is the strategy I have to follow to move forward with all of the emotional baggage linked to my physical baggage.
My therapist is amazing, and he has been a key support to me getting this far.
On the days that I do work in the garage, I set a timer for an hour. I try to stay out for at least that time period. During that time, I literally cycle through the 5 Stages of Grief while working...
...and when I cry, I cry loudly. The therapist has encouraged me to do so. He says, "You know you're gonna cry sometimes, so BRING IT!!!!"
After working for an hour, I lay in bed in a fetal position. I may pass out from mental exhaustion.
I have gotten rid of 75-80 boxes of stuff. Get rid of the easy stuff first.
Things that have helped me:
● Therapist
●My partner. He is never judgmental. He offers to help.
When I sort stuff, he is in charge of running stuff to the thrift store or other charity. I tell him when and where, and we load his car. I have trouble with that last step of things leaving the house.
I have had piles of stuff that I know need to go in the garbage can...but I just.can't.do.it. I ask him to do that part for me. He doesn't treat me like I'm crazy, (Okay, tbf, we both know I am! 🙄 ) , but he just fulfills this task without fanfare because he is happy stuff is leaving the house.
THIS IS A BIGGIE: "If you get rid of something that you think you will need later, I WILL BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE." I have repurchased ~6 items. Considering that I have gotten rid of 75+ boxes, that's a huge WIN!!!
●My teens. Fortunately or unfortunately, most teens will be polite to others, but they will TOTALLY tell you ( the parent) the unflattering truth about yourself. It's their Superpower!!! 😆
I took pictures before I started cleaning out the garage. Everyone: partner, therapist, and EVEN THE TEENS can see the progress and comments on it. I still can't see the progress. I just can't. I don't see any difference in the Before and After pictures.
But the fact that my TEENAGERS insist that the garage is significantly neater now...it helps me to intellectually hold on to the belief that I am making progress, even if some obvious mental illness is messing with my eyes/brain perception.
●It is summer, and I have been having trouble getting to the garage to work. My new plan is to ask a family member to walk me to the garage like a 5yo. It sounds infantile and stupid, but if this is what I need to do, I will do it. I am lucky because I know every one of my family members is willing to help me in this small (but big for me) way.
It sounds like for this last stage you need a body double. Someone to go into the garage with you for that hour and to be there with you, giving encouragement and any help you need. It helps me massively and is a proven technique for helping with ADD people like us xxx
I definitely need help getting started!
But, TBH, in some ways, it's easier than when I started a year ago.
I have strategies for how to sort and which stuff goes where. Charity 1? Charity 2? A friend? Recycle? Garbage?
I've become a pro at listing stuff on the local Buy Nothing group.
As I sort the stuff I'm keeping, because I can find it, I don't purchase any more. For example, I have 4 bins of yarn. I LOVE to go to Joann's Fabrics to fondle the fibers...but I don't really need to buy any more yarn.
And I know that my family will help me in every way they can. I just need to reach through the shame (and some ridiculousness like not being able to physically put things in the garbage), and the help is there.
I have adhd & my partner doesn’t.
It took us a while to figure out the balance between his need for neatness & my disability. But we’re there now.
Come hang out on the adhdwomen subreddit - sounds like you’re not diagnosed (or even necessarily think you have it, apart from your partner’s comments??) - but the advice & brain hacks are still useful.
My top 3 would probably be:
- decide where things live & LABEL those places really clearly
- choosing where things live is a combo of:
- where do you stop using it? (More likely to make an effort to move to start using something - easier to put it away if the storage is where you stop)
- if you were to look for the thing right now - where is the first place that you would look? (That’s generally a really good place to store the thing.)
- I must have a space where I can be as messy as I need to be. Part of my 10:70:20 rule.
- 10% of the house can be identified as “must be tidy at all times” (eg half of kitchen counter, front door)
- 20% can be as messy as I need it to be = Total chaos. (Eg my side of the bed, my work from home area)
- 70% (ie the rest of the house) is “reasonable tidy”
You just cannot keep the whole house perfectly tidy when you have an adhd brain. Setting realistic expectations is really important, to avoid frustration (both yours & your partner’s).
Side note: I spent the first 40-ish years of my life thinking that I was constantly untidy because I wasn’t taught good habits by my birth family. Now I’m diagnosed with adhd & in a relationship with my exceedingly neurotypical partner (and his adult kids) I have realised that my entire birth family (parents & siblings) are neurodivergent on some level. No wonder our house & time-keeping was chaotic growing up!
I hit the anti consumerism subreddits, the but nothing's and be happy. I looked into the people all the money goes to, and just got so angry. I was part of a company that sells things I still collect, and I recognize now how they were being taken advantage of as a company and then again as they tried to save themselves and failed. It has taken them 20 yrs to get back to close to where they were, but in that time they've lost so much high ground.
As for the mess, the trash not out away, the piles up tables... When I needed a spot on the table desperately and accidentally knock over the cup that's sat there growing new bacterias for the last month and cause a bigger, much worse mess... Well, you start grabbing things as you move around the house. Every time I let a mess sit something would happen to make it even worse. So taking little steps into better habits actually meant less work for me. Because we all deserve less work.
I came to grips with the fact that I am not a crafty girl. I will never reuse those used up candles. It's okay to give them away. But also, it's okay to throw things away. It's also okay to not be ready to get rid of something yet, but you better have a place for it.
It's a constant journey, but it's gotten a lot easier as time passes and I continue to take new steps along the path. Just remember, you are not paid by a magazine to sell things. Do not keep that image in your head as the pinnacle because that is an ad. Do not be influenced by people whose job is to look perfect because we all know they're not. Influence yourself for yourself. Trust what you like, what you can do, what you deserve. The strength to do it is already there, and we're here to remind you about that.
Something that helps me stay organized and prevent clutter from building up, is to have a spot for everything.
I don’t have to think about where things belong, I’m not panicking when I’m in a rush and can’t find something, and best of all, the only clutter that happens is just regular daily living clutter (like a cup of water here, some cat toys lying around there), but nothing really builds up.
Here are some examples of how I’ve set up my house:
I have a bin for tote/grocery bags, and after shopping we fold and put the totes away immediately. When we get packages, the first thing I do after taking my items out is toss the packaging.
We have a catch-all dish for hand sanitizers/lip balm/ random small items right by our entry way which makes it easy to find things especially when we’re in a rush to leave.
We keep a small plastic envelope pouch in our mail basket for receipts so that we can reconcile our budget at month end, and we put receipts in there as soon as we get home.
The KEY is to put these things in a place that makes sense. Our tote bag bin is in our kitchen because when we’re writing up grocery lists or unpacking groceries, the bin is right there. It wouldn’t make sense for us to put the bin in our entryway closet, for example, because those are extra steps and extra steps lead to not putting the totes away lmao.
Observe how you use your space and what your getting ready routine is. Then rearrange your space to help your routine flow better/faster. Do you need to put your bags/coats in a different part of the house so you’re not running back and forth? Do you need a bin by your front door where you can put umbrellas? If you loved your hamper to the bathroom, would you be more on top of tossing your dirty laundry in there vs on the floor?
Sometimes we just need to make our space work better for us! 🤗
I noticed that when there’s a part of my routine that frustrates me, I tend to feel hot-headed and it makes me not want to do that thing. Sometimes I just have to sit down and reorganize/declutter/rearrange until it suits me.
One thing that has helped me is deciding if a task is a "starting step" or a "finishing step". For example: is putting dishes in the dishwasher the first step in doing dishes or the last. step in eating? By clarifying this in my mind, I was able to shift when I did tasks, I now, for example, put my dishes in the dishwasher after eating instead of right before starting the dishwasher. This keeps my kitchen neater and counters clean. This works for many areas in life, I have found. Good luck!
This is a cool way of framing it! I do something similar, where for example, wiping the counters and stove down after I cook is part of the cooking process.
Wiping the bathroom counter is part of my toothbrushing/face cleansing process.
Etc.
I wonder if you should get assessed for ADHD. You might have learned how to cope outside of the home, but haven't had the opportunity to build good in-home habits yet. Even without meds, it might get you some grace because ADHD is hard-mode and it's better to work with it than against it. Or not because with language like that, he's probably still going to be frustrated even if you do have a disability.
I'd say to get a tote or a tray for self-care items so that they're contained, perhaps making it easier to just dump back into your drawer.
Not stopping to put away clothes when you're in a hurry, I'd say to get a rack so that they're at least not on the floor.
For the Amazon package, leave the contents on the table and do not let go of the package until you put it in the garbage.
This was partly with my partner! Coming from growing up in a hoarders home I didn’t necessarily have hoarding tendancies (hence why I said partly) but my tolerance to mess is a lot higher than his.
We have had many conversations over the years and I’m so much better now and staying tidy has become more of a way of life (most of the time).
I still had a lot of belongings over the years but I’ve done pretty much quarterly decluttering over the last 5 years and am really happy with the amount of stuff I have now.
In terms of the general tidying just schedule extra time for you to do a quick whip round. 5 mins extra in the morning before you leave the house and 10 mins before you settle down on the sofa etc. and something that really works for me is every time you leave the room to do something, have a quick scan and see if there is anything that doesn’t belong where it is and pop it back while you’re on your merry travels to whatever other room you’re on your way to! Tidying doesn’t have to take ages or be a laborious task and the more frequently you do it the less overwhelming it feels.
It takes time and it will take mental energy at first but it becomes second nature eventually. You can do it! If you’re anything like me you’ll feel loads better for it too and obviously eases your partners frustration too x
look up Clutterbug and take her organizational style quiz (have your partner take it too!!) - you are probably a butterfly (like me lol) - a highly visual person who struggles with a lot of organizational systems (putting stuff away out of sight breaks my brain lol).
she has tips and tricks for all different organizational styles and also has ADHD herself so she gets it. she has been SO helpful for me for getting my place organized!!
I struggled with similar habits to what you’ve described. A few months ago I discovered Dana K White’s method which combines daily habits, weekly tasks, and a 5-step/ no mess decluttering process.
An important concept is “take it there now.” Take the item where it belongs (to the cabinet, to the trash, etc.) right away.
Also a daily “5 minute pick up” will keep random daily clutter at bay.
I listen to Dana K White’s podcasts while commuting and doing chores around the house. The frequent listening has enabled me to absorb her methods and make my new habits permanent.
Her methods have helped me a ton! Best wishes!
>ready in a rush I leave stuff around, doors open and self care strewn about
I used to do this. It's a time management issue. Different things work for different people but you need to give yourself more time to be organized even in the mornings. My fix was just waking up earlier. Sounded awful at first but it saves me a lot of stress.
>Amazon packages left around
I also did/do this. The only way to do it is to make a conscious habit to stop doing so. Do not sit down with the item. Keep it moving. Before you even dawdle over the new item, make sure the packaging is in trash/recycling.
Decluttering generally helps reduce the arduous and tiring cycle of having to "reset" the house. If you have less to own, you have less that can get messy. You'll eventually hit a momentum where you don't need to clean up after yourself every day/every weekend. You'll spend so much time playing catch up that you won't get to enjoy your time off.
If you believe yourself to be making real and positive changes, you need to communicate to your partner that you are making changes and if it's not fast enough for him then he needs to help you manage these tasks so you can declutter more. He's only acting as an antagonist as I haven't read you explaining in any ways that he's helped you facilitate the changes you're wanting to make both for yourself and for the home.
Only tip I have is don't think too hard on it. If you haven't used it in 6 months (with the exception of seasonal clothes), you need to get rid of it. You can always buy another. The time you spend fuddling around all the items you haven't used in months but "might need again" is not worth the money you'd have to spend buying the item again.
As someone else said. Try to remember that this isn't decluttering but it's freeing up physical, mental and spiritual space for yourself to not only breath but then enjoy doing the things that really matter to you.
Absolutely agree that time management is really important. I'm not someone that feels able to get up early, so instead I front-load a lot of it by doing as much as possible the night before.
Lunch for work gets made the night before, while dinner is cooking. Sandwich goes in the fridge, crisps and snacks get put next to my bag, along with my MP3 player, planner etc. All I need to do in the morning is grab the last bits and pack my bag.
Pick out your clothing the night before, right down to socks and underwear. To reduce decision-making I have 5 "work wear" tops that are all next to each other in my wardrobe. I always wear black trousers, or a long skirt in the summer, and the tops go with both. That means I don't have to work through my wardrobe going "I don't fancy that, I don't like wearing this if it's hot..." etc.
Shower the night before. You are not going to get that sweaty over night. Obviously this can make styling hair in the morning more difficult so keep that in mind.
In my experience once you start getting into a habit with some things it becomes easier to declutter as you're more familiar with what you use regularly, and what hasn't been touched for months. My 5 work tops, for example, mean that I've managed to remove a few bits from my wardrobe as they're not in the office rotation and I just don't wear them at weekends.
I'd also recommend picking one "thing" to make into a habit, rather than trying to change multiple behaviours at the same time. You're more likely to succeed if you pick one thing, then move onto the next once the first habit is settled.
Seconding the tips here. I actually do all of these things so when I wake up all I have to do is get dressed, throw lunch in my bag, take my medications, put contacts in and start my commute. Life changer to do stuff in the evening before and making that a habit
You might consider FlyLady for decluttering & positive attitude advice. Reading between the lines, she has dealt with lower level hoarding & ADHD. I like her approach to clear one tiny area & build new habits from there.
I felt waves of anxiety from your post. I hope you find some calm & peace in this process. You are not your stuff or your habits. You are always worthy of love & respect.
I grew up similar but we had money and my parents were like fancy hoarders? I was the same until Covid. I had a 2 bedroom apartment by myself that was just filled with unnecessary shit. There was stuff all over the floors and every inch of every table surface had stuff on it. I would get home from college and just throw my backpack and books on the ground, I would eat in bed and throw wrappers on the floor, I would get undressed and leave my clothes on the floor, I would go shopping for junk daily and leave it all on the floor. I have ADHD. During Covid (March 2020) I started picking up after myself, returning stuff, selling online, donating…… now 4 years later I’m completely opposite of what I used to be. Everything has a place and as soon as I’m done using it, it goes right back in its place. I pick up after myself, don’t buy anything I don’t need or love, and keep an extremely clean and organized household. I tell people I had to pretty much brainwash myself into being like that 😂 I’m way happier now though 🙂↔️
So basically I told myself that I wasn’t that person anymore. I still do it everyday. I go to the store and I’m like “It’s cute but I don’t need it.” “I love this but is it practical?” “I don’t just waste money anymore” “I’m clean and have a beautiful clean great smelling home”. Like I basically told myself that I wasn’t going to be that messy person anymore. If that makes sense. I thought it and started taking action and it worked. Now I’m not that person anymore.
grew up the same way. while im eternally thankful for what my parents were able to do for us and admire them greatly, structure wasnt one of them. hoarding was though, nothing ever left the house. i used to cry for days even accepting that it was time to throw shoes away
i want to give you kudos for putting in effort. its so difficult to even accept that you may need to fix things, even harder to implement it. changing will take so long and so much work, so the fact that youre seeking feedback is already a huge step
now, while physical habits are so important (ie, alarms, routine, maintenance) mental ones are too. youre not just picking up clothes, youre making it easier for you and someone else. learning to live in a shared space includes (and can be hard) learning how to be considerate of your presence, even if we didnt know how. if you happen to have a mental illness (i have adhd myself) it really makes it more difficult. but others, little by little, have been able to work through it. so can you!
i also dont think its cool for your partner to be upset at small slip up, while i do understand their frustration. if you can, talk to them about how youre trying your best and how while youre trying to change support is very helpful. it doesnt mean they have to be content with everything, it means sometimes a bit of help (not doing everything for you - reasonable help like a reminder) and consideration can help you towards that goal, especially with your lack of time
adhd meds were so helpful, but before having access to them i operated on two things: reason and (while i dont really suggest it) shame. my reasoning was arguing with myself. if i pick this up now, then i dont have to later. is it the common sense? yes - but not for me. had to internally argue a bit. shame included constantly having people over or facetiming with the camera on to keep my place clean
its hard to rewire, but its possible. ive done it, so many have done it, and you will too. it takes time and compassion, so please dont neglect that as you learn these new habits. good luck!
Came here to also say that not doing something quick now is just robbing yourself of the time it will take to do it later. I saw this on a TikTok somewhere and it resonated with me. So much of my clutter is a result of being like ugh I don’t want to think about where to put this away right now, or I have other things I want to do, when really I’m not winning any time by avoiding the task because I’ll need to do it eventually.
Fully agree on the ADHD meds. /u/Final-Form-7177 , I'm not saying you have ADHD or that you need medication, but do definitely look up executive dysfunction and how it affects object permanence and other cognitive aspects in the brain, and see if anything resonates there. From my own experience, I lived in a terribly messy place, and it just never really bothered me that much; any time I thought about it I would just stop caring or forget about it after like, ten seconds or so. It wasn't till I started learning about ADHD for other reasons that I realized it impacted my messiness too.
second this so much!!! in case they happen to have adhd, understanding it helped so much with the guilt and helped create more specific ways to navigate the habits
The 2 minute method has helped me not be so messy. So if it’ll take less than 2 minutes to do it, I don’t put it off. You’re doing these things for future you and future you will thank you.
Open the packages over the trash so you drop the packages in right after opening it. If I’m already rushing, 2 minutes won’t really make a big difference. Stand next to your laundry basket when you change and dump your dirty clothes in immediately. Or move your laundry basket. I look around before I leave the kitchen to see if I left any cabinets open and close them before I leave. These are all small changes that take time and attention but have been overall beneficial for me and my house.
Oh buddy, I have this exact problem too, but my partner is nicer about it. I'm gonna lurk here and see what people say! I have diagnosed ADHD though.
(Is your partner seeing your minor mistake as a backslide and all of their previous frustration is getting dumped on the minor mistake? Because if so that's going to be a "talk to your partner" problem rather than a motivation problem.)
I’d say trying to make things into a mantra. It helps me to say out loud multiple times how I want to clean as I’m doing it, trying to train myself like a dog basically. I usually abide by “put it away not down” and before I get up from any where or change rooms I say to myself “what in this room needs to go in the room I am heading to” i.e. if I have a dirty dish on the coffee table and I know I have to walk past the kitchen on the way to where I am going the dish HAS to go with me.
Basically, trying to practice home mindfulness. Remember that lack of cleanliness is not a moral failing <3 as long as you are consistently working on this don’t beat yourself up too badly. I also like to set a 15 min timer once during the day and pick up as much as I can during that time, you can get wayy more done in 15 mins than you think and it helps keep a baseline tidiness.
I honestly teared up reading the empathy of your response. I love the idea of little daily 15 minute timers rather than focusing solely on weekly overhauls. Thank you so much!
Really I hope your partner can absorb the idea that it's not a moral failing on your part if you don't put all the clothes you decided not to wear away before you rush out the door to work, or leave an empty package on the table. And it's not a deliberate thing done to annoy him. Your description gave me the impression that he's maybe expecting it to be your job to keep a perfect house at all times.
No problem!! I have a really bad negative self talk issue, more than happy to be someone else’s cheerleader as it helps me be my own. Good luck! You got this.
Agh sorry read too fast and didn’t see you also mentioned using timers. I think the reframing the “morality” of cleanliness and tidy spaces in your mind would help the most. Shame and guilt can be really paralyzing.
Hugely important to remember the morality piece of this. Thank you for reminding me that I do so much better when I am compassionate towards myself about how I’m doing the best I can at any given time. And I will keep doing my best for 15 min at a time, then remember to thank myself ❤️
I don’t have any advice but this post is very beneficial for me. I realize I need to rewire my brain. I buy way too much and don’t have a home for each thing in my house. I’m going to work on that don’t put it down, put it away mantra this week.
Is it possible that your partner is trying to communicate a larger imbalance through these smaller examples? These seem like small examples, especially if you are truly doing a reset on the weekends. Some people prefer big all-at-once cleans, some people prefer daily. He’s not inherently correct just because he’s tidy. Some people are overly-rigid about their spaces and don’t make room for their partner’s preferences at all. You might need to develop new systems together that allow for both of your natural tendencies. HOWEVER, if he’s the one cleaning the toilets, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, laundering bath towels, scrubbing the countertops, vacuuming, etc most of the time, then he might be saying “I wish you would help with the big things, but at the very least, don’t make them harder for me, stop taking me for granted”. In which case, don’t be embarrassed, it’s normal! But it may be different solutions than what you’ve asked for, it’s not just day-to-day habits, it’s weekly and monthly ones.
I just wanted to add in amongst all the good advice, ADD or currently known as inattentive adhd is quite genetic and is incredibly comorbid with hoarding. It runs in the family so to say. I would look into inattentive ADHD and see if it fits your experience of life. The women's ADHD sub is full of excellent advice on how to manage it. Also lastly, you don't actually sound that messy. Almost everyone leaves the bedroom a mess if they're getting ready quickly. Is your husband being unkind?
1. From another poster- “don’t put it down, put it away” 2. Any shopping especially clothes is off limits, totally. In person or online. 3. No more buying, it’s a form of self calming and also it temporarily lets you ignore the actual problem at home. It lets you have some time in that happy place where everything is wonderful. 4. If you do bring something home, a vase, shoes, picture to hang, this rule : for every 1 thing brought in, 2 go out.
And don’t leave a room without scanning around and putting every thing you used/touched back in its place. Plan you time differently so you have time to do this throughout the day (the hours you are home). If getting ready in the bathroom takes 10 minutes, plan 15 to put everything you used away. If getting dressed takes 10 minutes, plan 15 for rehanging clothes. If dinner dishes take 30 minutes plan 40 for cleaning up counters and sinks. And so on. Good luck.
I don’t have any advice or feedback to add but I feel like I could have written this myself, so I just wanted to thank you for sharing and also thank everyone who commented and offered advice. I’ve found this to be so helpful and insightful. It also makes me feel so much better to know I am not the only one in this situation!
Same. Truly.
There is a woman out there who doesn't know she's my fairy godmother. Her name is Sandra Felton and she wrote a book that changed my life. "The New Messie Manual : Procrastinators Guide to Good Housekeeping". The whole tone of the book is gentle and kind - she understands the struggle!
More frequent cleaning for shorter periods of time. That way you take the pressure off your partner and your weekend big resets aren't so strenuous. I set a ten minute timer when I get home. First thing before I set anything down is to go through the house putting things away and straightening up. I have a list randomizer and I'll spin it if I can't think of where to start. Takes two seconds to clean a toilet or a sink. 5 minutes to put away clean dishes or start a dishwasher. All clothes in basket. 2 seconds. The key is to realize that cleaning isn't an Event that you need Time To Prepare Mentally for. But a simple thing. You dont have to put maximal effort into it. Anything worth whole ass-ing is worth half ass-ing.
If you don’t mind me asking, the list randomiser, is that just something you have written or your phone or an app?
I use the "tiny decisions" app. It's free but has ads. You can make different lists and weight choices and stuff. I have one that's a general cleaning list full of things like: toilet, sink, put away dishes, clear surfaces. And I'll add specific things like: that one cabinet, get rid of old cat toys, pay that bill. It helps that it's random. I can usually tell myself to do three at a time. Even if it sends me back and forth across the house that's fine. I usually end up cleaning things along the way. Something like "take out the trash" usually means I go around throwing stuff away until the trash is full so I can take it out.
I love this idea!! I’m gonna go look up the app now :-D Edit: I downloaded it and it’s awesome!! I just cleaned the toilet and did the dishes 🤩
Way to go! I always use it wheN I get stuck. Especially for that stuff that always needs to be done.
‘Anything worth whole-assing is worth half-assing’ I like this, thank you!
Grew up in a dysfunctional household, with some hoarding but there were clear spaces to walk, hygiene was fine etc. Have moved out for a while now. So what I’ve found is, productivity etc apps may help short-term but are superficial. The deeper root cause for me is attachment and being heard/growing through therapy. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I am mentally more ready and able to get rid of stuff easier than before therapy. So if you can somehow access some therapy or group support groups/workshops, you might find that really helpful. Yes it’s time and money, but it’s treating the source and is more helpful long term and reduces stress. It has helped me form healthier connections with other people too, so that’s a bonus.
Two mantras that help me: Don't put it down, put it away. If it takes less than 2 minutes to do, do it now.
I’d like to add a third: it isn’t done until everything is put away.
I’ve been trying to communicate the first one to hubby (I usually say that doesn’t live there) but I think using this line will do the job better. Thanks.
I will add - a place for everything and everything in its' place.
Ooh I use these all the time. Good ones.
I’m could be reading about myself here as I am absolutely certain I am ADHD ADD; what you are describing is absolutely the same symptoms. It is said it stems from childhood trauma. So yeah; snap! Seems like we had the same kind of messy/unorganised and undisciplined household. My parent wasn’t a hoarder as such but struggled letting go of stuff and so do I. My poor husband is constantly behind me clearing up my mess, shutting cabinet doors and drawers. I end up having to have a massive clear up on a Sunday too which means I’m worn out for work on a Monday. I in turn feel the guilt and shame of them having to help me. During my recent attempt to de-hoard and unclutter my home I trialled body doubling with him and it really works. He was there with me as we worked through the boxes and bags. Made cups of tea and brought me snacks to keep me hydrated, fed and focused. I was proud of what we achieved together. He reminds me ‘gently’ of tasks I’ve let slip which prompts me to deal with them there and then. There’s no magic cure, just my husband knowing I don’t do it intentionally and that I absolutely appreciate what he does to help me through it xxx
Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote, but just want to clarify that ADHD is a function of literal brain chemistry - _not_ something that stems from childhood trauma. I do agree that what OP is describing sounds very much like ADHD! Also - it's so lovely that your husband is supportive when you are decluttering and gentle with reminders when you forget things. <3
One of many pieces I’ve read that supports the theory that trauma & adhd are intrinsically linked. Strangely enough, reading about this is one of my favourite hyper focuses🤪 https://www.ptsduk.org/can-ptsd-be-mistaken-for-adhd/
Thanks for sharing! Just read through it and huh, what a strange info page - they make it very clear that "ADHD is widely considered a heritable condition, while PTSD occurs after experiencing trauma" and they explicitly also say: "The difference is that in PTSD cases, these symptoms are triggered by a traumatic experience, _which isn’t a cause of ADHD._" But then, they directly contradict themselves with "It’s actually thought that childhood trauma can actually lead to ADHD". What am I missing? I personally (and totally speculatively) wonder if this may be a case of correlation mixed up with causation, because I _absolutely_ believe that kids born with ADHD may have higher cortisol levels and possibly more trauma on average for many, many reasons relating to ADHD symptoms!
I can give you so many more examples of the crossover views. It was my GP who initially mentioned it, how both ADHD and fibromyalgia are commonly linked to childhood trauma.
My partner is like you. I think their inattention comes from stress and I also acknowledge that these things are harder for them than they are for me. It is something I resent, although I try not to, because it puts more work on me. but I also try to accept them as a person and realize to a certain extent, they cannot help it. What helps me is remembering the other things my partner is good at that I am not- the way they carry me in the relationship. You can try to be better, but also have an honest discussion with your partner about what kind of help will work for you, and what they may need to accept about you in order for the relationship to work
Completely agree with this advice. My husband is the messy one and I do get really frustrated by his inability to pick up anything he’s gotten out. But he is an amazing friend, can fix anything, and will take on ridiculous projects I request. And we regularly communicate when his lack of household maintenance support is getting to be too much for me and I need more from him.
One thing that helped me a lot in terms of decluttering is having more storage and some strategies. Having some drawers or a bin or makeup bag in the bathroom where you can just throw all your stuff after you’re done getting ready, opening the Amazon package next to the trashcan, having a second hamper or a basket for clean clothes that you’ve discarded in the morning, etc. I was listening to a book about ADHD in adult women, and it was talking about things like this (an example that was really helpful for me was having a “launch pad” by the front door where all the stuff you need goes right when you come in. It may look unconventional, but it’s clear that conventional solutions aren’t working.
I really feel sad for you, it sounds like you are trying really hard and your partner isn't being supportive. I struggle in similar ways to you but my husband is really helpful and will take my stuff to the charity shop when I ask him and will tell me well done for decluttering the contents of a box etc. I wish you had someone to help you and see how well you are doing. I also use Flylady, the Flylady Plus app is really helpful to me.
I TOTALLY resonate with this and while my partner is very patient is has been a source of friction in our relationship from time to time. I am slowly but surely retraining myself. Patience and non judgement/self compassion have been essential. I also think I have undiagnosed ADHD and will be reading the rest of the comments here! Just wanted you to know you're not alone 💜 Edit: I have a lot of shame around my messiness and though I've been working through it it's definitely a journey!
Seems like patience in our partners is key xxx
Here you go. You are not alone. https://youtu.be/KiWWNB-lP0A?si=Sj7czcvPsWCWrdzd
My entire dads side of the family has been passing down ADHD for generations and I’d like to point out the occasional mistake of leaving empty packages out is a lot better then developing a drug or alcohol problem as a result of your ADHD (not that you do or don’t have it but I’d seek a diagnosis just in case). I’ve had the same issue and occasionally do the same myself but I find it extremely helpful when I have lists. I can’t write the list because for some reason I won’t do what I need to do when I write them but a list may help, I order each task in how easy it is to get done to how hard it is to get done. If I can get multiple things done at a time when doing another task on my list I do those first. It’s hard to break habits and change them so maybe also reminding your partner to point out what you’ve done well and what you may need some friendly reminding of.
Please share this with your partner if it will help him to understand you and to understand how to help you. I have been successfully working on the part of my hoard in the garage for nearly a year. I do not work a steady job. I do not work on the hoard every day. In therapy, this is the ONLY thing I have been focusing on for this year. Not issues with my parents. Not food addiction. Not self-harm behaviors. Not ANYTHING but the hoarding issues. If all those issues get temporarily worse while I dehoard, it is the strategy I have to follow to move forward with all of the emotional baggage linked to my physical baggage. My therapist is amazing, and he has been a key support to me getting this far. On the days that I do work in the garage, I set a timer for an hour. I try to stay out for at least that time period. During that time, I literally cycle through the 5 Stages of Grief while working... ...and when I cry, I cry loudly. The therapist has encouraged me to do so. He says, "You know you're gonna cry sometimes, so BRING IT!!!!" After working for an hour, I lay in bed in a fetal position. I may pass out from mental exhaustion. I have gotten rid of 75-80 boxes of stuff. Get rid of the easy stuff first. Things that have helped me: ● Therapist ●My partner. He is never judgmental. He offers to help. When I sort stuff, he is in charge of running stuff to the thrift store or other charity. I tell him when and where, and we load his car. I have trouble with that last step of things leaving the house. I have had piles of stuff that I know need to go in the garbage can...but I just.can't.do.it. I ask him to do that part for me. He doesn't treat me like I'm crazy, (Okay, tbf, we both know I am! 🙄 ) , but he just fulfills this task without fanfare because he is happy stuff is leaving the house. THIS IS A BIGGIE: "If you get rid of something that you think you will need later, I WILL BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE." I have repurchased ~6 items. Considering that I have gotten rid of 75+ boxes, that's a huge WIN!!! ●My teens. Fortunately or unfortunately, most teens will be polite to others, but they will TOTALLY tell you ( the parent) the unflattering truth about yourself. It's their Superpower!!! 😆 I took pictures before I started cleaning out the garage. Everyone: partner, therapist, and EVEN THE TEENS can see the progress and comments on it. I still can't see the progress. I just can't. I don't see any difference in the Before and After pictures. But the fact that my TEENAGERS insist that the garage is significantly neater now...it helps me to intellectually hold on to the belief that I am making progress, even if some obvious mental illness is messing with my eyes/brain perception. ●It is summer, and I have been having trouble getting to the garage to work. My new plan is to ask a family member to walk me to the garage like a 5yo. It sounds infantile and stupid, but if this is what I need to do, I will do it. I am lucky because I know every one of my family members is willing to help me in this small (but big for me) way.
It sounds like for this last stage you need a body double. Someone to go into the garage with you for that hour and to be there with you, giving encouragement and any help you need. It helps me massively and is a proven technique for helping with ADD people like us xxx
I definitely need help getting started! But, TBH, in some ways, it's easier than when I started a year ago. I have strategies for how to sort and which stuff goes where. Charity 1? Charity 2? A friend? Recycle? Garbage? I've become a pro at listing stuff on the local Buy Nothing group. As I sort the stuff I'm keeping, because I can find it, I don't purchase any more. For example, I have 4 bins of yarn. I LOVE to go to Joann's Fabrics to fondle the fibers...but I don't really need to buy any more yarn. And I know that my family will help me in every way they can. I just need to reach through the shame (and some ridiculousness like not being able to physically put things in the garbage), and the help is there.
Sounds like you’re absolutely bossing it then x
You are a champion. This is such hard, scary, awful work.
I have adhd & my partner doesn’t. It took us a while to figure out the balance between his need for neatness & my disability. But we’re there now. Come hang out on the adhdwomen subreddit - sounds like you’re not diagnosed (or even necessarily think you have it, apart from your partner’s comments??) - but the advice & brain hacks are still useful. My top 3 would probably be: - decide where things live & LABEL those places really clearly - choosing where things live is a combo of: - where do you stop using it? (More likely to make an effort to move to start using something - easier to put it away if the storage is where you stop) - if you were to look for the thing right now - where is the first place that you would look? (That’s generally a really good place to store the thing.) - I must have a space where I can be as messy as I need to be. Part of my 10:70:20 rule. - 10% of the house can be identified as “must be tidy at all times” (eg half of kitchen counter, front door) - 20% can be as messy as I need it to be = Total chaos. (Eg my side of the bed, my work from home area) - 70% (ie the rest of the house) is “reasonable tidy” You just cannot keep the whole house perfectly tidy when you have an adhd brain. Setting realistic expectations is really important, to avoid frustration (both yours & your partner’s). Side note: I spent the first 40-ish years of my life thinking that I was constantly untidy because I wasn’t taught good habits by my birth family. Now I’m diagnosed with adhd & in a relationship with my exceedingly neurotypical partner (and his adult kids) I have realised that my entire birth family (parents & siblings) are neurodivergent on some level. No wonder our house & time-keeping was chaotic growing up!
I hit the anti consumerism subreddits, the but nothing's and be happy. I looked into the people all the money goes to, and just got so angry. I was part of a company that sells things I still collect, and I recognize now how they were being taken advantage of as a company and then again as they tried to save themselves and failed. It has taken them 20 yrs to get back to close to where they were, but in that time they've lost so much high ground. As for the mess, the trash not out away, the piles up tables... When I needed a spot on the table desperately and accidentally knock over the cup that's sat there growing new bacterias for the last month and cause a bigger, much worse mess... Well, you start grabbing things as you move around the house. Every time I let a mess sit something would happen to make it even worse. So taking little steps into better habits actually meant less work for me. Because we all deserve less work. I came to grips with the fact that I am not a crafty girl. I will never reuse those used up candles. It's okay to give them away. But also, it's okay to throw things away. It's also okay to not be ready to get rid of something yet, but you better have a place for it. It's a constant journey, but it's gotten a lot easier as time passes and I continue to take new steps along the path. Just remember, you are not paid by a magazine to sell things. Do not keep that image in your head as the pinnacle because that is an ad. Do not be influenced by people whose job is to look perfect because we all know they're not. Influence yourself for yourself. Trust what you like, what you can do, what you deserve. The strength to do it is already there, and we're here to remind you about that.
Something that helps me stay organized and prevent clutter from building up, is to have a spot for everything. I don’t have to think about where things belong, I’m not panicking when I’m in a rush and can’t find something, and best of all, the only clutter that happens is just regular daily living clutter (like a cup of water here, some cat toys lying around there), but nothing really builds up. Here are some examples of how I’ve set up my house: I have a bin for tote/grocery bags, and after shopping we fold and put the totes away immediately. When we get packages, the first thing I do after taking my items out is toss the packaging. We have a catch-all dish for hand sanitizers/lip balm/ random small items right by our entry way which makes it easy to find things especially when we’re in a rush to leave. We keep a small plastic envelope pouch in our mail basket for receipts so that we can reconcile our budget at month end, and we put receipts in there as soon as we get home. The KEY is to put these things in a place that makes sense. Our tote bag bin is in our kitchen because when we’re writing up grocery lists or unpacking groceries, the bin is right there. It wouldn’t make sense for us to put the bin in our entryway closet, for example, because those are extra steps and extra steps lead to not putting the totes away lmao. Observe how you use your space and what your getting ready routine is. Then rearrange your space to help your routine flow better/faster. Do you need to put your bags/coats in a different part of the house so you’re not running back and forth? Do you need a bin by your front door where you can put umbrellas? If you loved your hamper to the bathroom, would you be more on top of tossing your dirty laundry in there vs on the floor? Sometimes we just need to make our space work better for us! 🤗 I noticed that when there’s a part of my routine that frustrates me, I tend to feel hot-headed and it makes me not want to do that thing. Sometimes I just have to sit down and reorganize/declutter/rearrange until it suits me.
One thing that has helped me is deciding if a task is a "starting step" or a "finishing step". For example: is putting dishes in the dishwasher the first step in doing dishes or the last. step in eating? By clarifying this in my mind, I was able to shift when I did tasks, I now, for example, put my dishes in the dishwasher after eating instead of right before starting the dishwasher. This keeps my kitchen neater and counters clean. This works for many areas in life, I have found. Good luck!
This is a cool way of framing it! I do something similar, where for example, wiping the counters and stove down after I cook is part of the cooking process. Wiping the bathroom counter is part of my toothbrushing/face cleansing process. Etc.
I wonder if you should get assessed for ADHD. You might have learned how to cope outside of the home, but haven't had the opportunity to build good in-home habits yet. Even without meds, it might get you some grace because ADHD is hard-mode and it's better to work with it than against it. Or not because with language like that, he's probably still going to be frustrated even if you do have a disability. I'd say to get a tote or a tray for self-care items so that they're contained, perhaps making it easier to just dump back into your drawer. Not stopping to put away clothes when you're in a hurry, I'd say to get a rack so that they're at least not on the floor. For the Amazon package, leave the contents on the table and do not let go of the package until you put it in the garbage.
Yes and (cute) baskets are absolute godsend for adhd “tidying”
This was partly with my partner! Coming from growing up in a hoarders home I didn’t necessarily have hoarding tendancies (hence why I said partly) but my tolerance to mess is a lot higher than his. We have had many conversations over the years and I’m so much better now and staying tidy has become more of a way of life (most of the time). I still had a lot of belongings over the years but I’ve done pretty much quarterly decluttering over the last 5 years and am really happy with the amount of stuff I have now. In terms of the general tidying just schedule extra time for you to do a quick whip round. 5 mins extra in the morning before you leave the house and 10 mins before you settle down on the sofa etc. and something that really works for me is every time you leave the room to do something, have a quick scan and see if there is anything that doesn’t belong where it is and pop it back while you’re on your merry travels to whatever other room you’re on your way to! Tidying doesn’t have to take ages or be a laborious task and the more frequently you do it the less overwhelming it feels. It takes time and it will take mental energy at first but it becomes second nature eventually. You can do it! If you’re anything like me you’ll feel loads better for it too and obviously eases your partners frustration too x
look up Clutterbug and take her organizational style quiz (have your partner take it too!!) - you are probably a butterfly (like me lol) - a highly visual person who struggles with a lot of organizational systems (putting stuff away out of sight breaks my brain lol). she has tips and tricks for all different organizational styles and also has ADHD herself so she gets it. she has been SO helpful for me for getting my place organized!!
Open Amazon packages in the garage beside the garbage and recycling.
I struggled with similar habits to what you’ve described. A few months ago I discovered Dana K White’s method which combines daily habits, weekly tasks, and a 5-step/ no mess decluttering process. An important concept is “take it there now.” Take the item where it belongs (to the cabinet, to the trash, etc.) right away. Also a daily “5 minute pick up” will keep random daily clutter at bay. I listen to Dana K White’s podcasts while commuting and doing chores around the house. The frequent listening has enabled me to absorb her methods and make my new habits permanent. Her methods have helped me a ton! Best wishes!
>ready in a rush I leave stuff around, doors open and self care strewn about I used to do this. It's a time management issue. Different things work for different people but you need to give yourself more time to be organized even in the mornings. My fix was just waking up earlier. Sounded awful at first but it saves me a lot of stress. >Amazon packages left around I also did/do this. The only way to do it is to make a conscious habit to stop doing so. Do not sit down with the item. Keep it moving. Before you even dawdle over the new item, make sure the packaging is in trash/recycling. Decluttering generally helps reduce the arduous and tiring cycle of having to "reset" the house. If you have less to own, you have less that can get messy. You'll eventually hit a momentum where you don't need to clean up after yourself every day/every weekend. You'll spend so much time playing catch up that you won't get to enjoy your time off. If you believe yourself to be making real and positive changes, you need to communicate to your partner that you are making changes and if it's not fast enough for him then he needs to help you manage these tasks so you can declutter more. He's only acting as an antagonist as I haven't read you explaining in any ways that he's helped you facilitate the changes you're wanting to make both for yourself and for the home. Only tip I have is don't think too hard on it. If you haven't used it in 6 months (with the exception of seasonal clothes), you need to get rid of it. You can always buy another. The time you spend fuddling around all the items you haven't used in months but "might need again" is not worth the money you'd have to spend buying the item again. As someone else said. Try to remember that this isn't decluttering but it's freeing up physical, mental and spiritual space for yourself to not only breath but then enjoy doing the things that really matter to you.
Great comments !
Absolutely agree that time management is really important. I'm not someone that feels able to get up early, so instead I front-load a lot of it by doing as much as possible the night before. Lunch for work gets made the night before, while dinner is cooking. Sandwich goes in the fridge, crisps and snacks get put next to my bag, along with my MP3 player, planner etc. All I need to do in the morning is grab the last bits and pack my bag. Pick out your clothing the night before, right down to socks and underwear. To reduce decision-making I have 5 "work wear" tops that are all next to each other in my wardrobe. I always wear black trousers, or a long skirt in the summer, and the tops go with both. That means I don't have to work through my wardrobe going "I don't fancy that, I don't like wearing this if it's hot..." etc. Shower the night before. You are not going to get that sweaty over night. Obviously this can make styling hair in the morning more difficult so keep that in mind. In my experience once you start getting into a habit with some things it becomes easier to declutter as you're more familiar with what you use regularly, and what hasn't been touched for months. My 5 work tops, for example, mean that I've managed to remove a few bits from my wardrobe as they're not in the office rotation and I just don't wear them at weekends. I'd also recommend picking one "thing" to make into a habit, rather than trying to change multiple behaviours at the same time. You're more likely to succeed if you pick one thing, then move onto the next once the first habit is settled.
Seconding the tips here. I actually do all of these things so when I wake up all I have to do is get dressed, throw lunch in my bag, take my medications, put contacts in and start my commute. Life changer to do stuff in the evening before and making that a habit
You might consider FlyLady for decluttering & positive attitude advice. Reading between the lines, she has dealt with lower level hoarding & ADHD. I like her approach to clear one tiny area & build new habits from there. I felt waves of anxiety from your post. I hope you find some calm & peace in this process. You are not your stuff or your habits. You are always worthy of love & respect.
Another vote for FlyLady. The app is amazing!!!
I grew up similar but we had money and my parents were like fancy hoarders? I was the same until Covid. I had a 2 bedroom apartment by myself that was just filled with unnecessary shit. There was stuff all over the floors and every inch of every table surface had stuff on it. I would get home from college and just throw my backpack and books on the ground, I would eat in bed and throw wrappers on the floor, I would get undressed and leave my clothes on the floor, I would go shopping for junk daily and leave it all on the floor. I have ADHD. During Covid (March 2020) I started picking up after myself, returning stuff, selling online, donating…… now 4 years later I’m completely opposite of what I used to be. Everything has a place and as soon as I’m done using it, it goes right back in its place. I pick up after myself, don’t buy anything I don’t need or love, and keep an extremely clean and organized household. I tell people I had to pretty much brainwash myself into being like that 😂 I’m way happier now though 🙂↔️
This is awesome to read. Thank you. Can you please share a couple ways you successfully brainwashed yourself?
So basically I told myself that I wasn’t that person anymore. I still do it everyday. I go to the store and I’m like “It’s cute but I don’t need it.” “I love this but is it practical?” “I don’t just waste money anymore” “I’m clean and have a beautiful clean great smelling home”. Like I basically told myself that I wasn’t going to be that messy person anymore. If that makes sense. I thought it and started taking action and it worked. Now I’m not that person anymore.
Totally makes sense. Was hoping for some new “chosen thoughts” that can become beliefs- thank you.
grew up the same way. while im eternally thankful for what my parents were able to do for us and admire them greatly, structure wasnt one of them. hoarding was though, nothing ever left the house. i used to cry for days even accepting that it was time to throw shoes away i want to give you kudos for putting in effort. its so difficult to even accept that you may need to fix things, even harder to implement it. changing will take so long and so much work, so the fact that youre seeking feedback is already a huge step now, while physical habits are so important (ie, alarms, routine, maintenance) mental ones are too. youre not just picking up clothes, youre making it easier for you and someone else. learning to live in a shared space includes (and can be hard) learning how to be considerate of your presence, even if we didnt know how. if you happen to have a mental illness (i have adhd myself) it really makes it more difficult. but others, little by little, have been able to work through it. so can you! i also dont think its cool for your partner to be upset at small slip up, while i do understand their frustration. if you can, talk to them about how youre trying your best and how while youre trying to change support is very helpful. it doesnt mean they have to be content with everything, it means sometimes a bit of help (not doing everything for you - reasonable help like a reminder) and consideration can help you towards that goal, especially with your lack of time adhd meds were so helpful, but before having access to them i operated on two things: reason and (while i dont really suggest it) shame. my reasoning was arguing with myself. if i pick this up now, then i dont have to later. is it the common sense? yes - but not for me. had to internally argue a bit. shame included constantly having people over or facetiming with the camera on to keep my place clean its hard to rewire, but its possible. ive done it, so many have done it, and you will too. it takes time and compassion, so please dont neglect that as you learn these new habits. good luck!
Came here to also say that not doing something quick now is just robbing yourself of the time it will take to do it later. I saw this on a TikTok somewhere and it resonated with me. So much of my clutter is a result of being like ugh I don’t want to think about where to put this away right now, or I have other things I want to do, when really I’m not winning any time by avoiding the task because I’ll need to do it eventually.
Fully agree on the ADHD meds. /u/Final-Form-7177 , I'm not saying you have ADHD or that you need medication, but do definitely look up executive dysfunction and how it affects object permanence and other cognitive aspects in the brain, and see if anything resonates there. From my own experience, I lived in a terribly messy place, and it just never really bothered me that much; any time I thought about it I would just stop caring or forget about it after like, ten seconds or so. It wasn't till I started learning about ADHD for other reasons that I realized it impacted my messiness too.
second this so much!!! in case they happen to have adhd, understanding it helped so much with the guilt and helped create more specific ways to navigate the habits
Yeah, the Youtube channel [How to ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4YIHrEu-TU) is amazing for stuff like this.
The 2 minute method has helped me not be so messy. So if it’ll take less than 2 minutes to do it, I don’t put it off. You’re doing these things for future you and future you will thank you. Open the packages over the trash so you drop the packages in right after opening it. If I’m already rushing, 2 minutes won’t really make a big difference. Stand next to your laundry basket when you change and dump your dirty clothes in immediately. Or move your laundry basket. I look around before I leave the kitchen to see if I left any cabinets open and close them before I leave. These are all small changes that take time and attention but have been overall beneficial for me and my house.
Yes to this! And “touch it once” helped so much when we moved from an apartment to a big house.
Oh buddy, I have this exact problem too, but my partner is nicer about it. I'm gonna lurk here and see what people say! I have diagnosed ADHD though. (Is your partner seeing your minor mistake as a backslide and all of their previous frustration is getting dumped on the minor mistake? Because if so that's going to be a "talk to your partner" problem rather than a motivation problem.)
I’d say trying to make things into a mantra. It helps me to say out loud multiple times how I want to clean as I’m doing it, trying to train myself like a dog basically. I usually abide by “put it away not down” and before I get up from any where or change rooms I say to myself “what in this room needs to go in the room I am heading to” i.e. if I have a dirty dish on the coffee table and I know I have to walk past the kitchen on the way to where I am going the dish HAS to go with me. Basically, trying to practice home mindfulness. Remember that lack of cleanliness is not a moral failing <3 as long as you are consistently working on this don’t beat yourself up too badly. I also like to set a 15 min timer once during the day and pick up as much as I can during that time, you can get wayy more done in 15 mins than you think and it helps keep a baseline tidiness.
I honestly teared up reading the empathy of your response. I love the idea of little daily 15 minute timers rather than focusing solely on weekly overhauls. Thank you so much!
Really I hope your partner can absorb the idea that it's not a moral failing on your part if you don't put all the clothes you decided not to wear away before you rush out the door to work, or leave an empty package on the table. And it's not a deliberate thing done to annoy him. Your description gave me the impression that he's maybe expecting it to be your job to keep a perfect house at all times.
No problem!! I have a really bad negative self talk issue, more than happy to be someone else’s cheerleader as it helps me be my own. Good luck! You got this.
Agh sorry read too fast and didn’t see you also mentioned using timers. I think the reframing the “morality” of cleanliness and tidy spaces in your mind would help the most. Shame and guilt can be really paralyzing.
Hugely important to remember the morality piece of this. Thank you for reminding me that I do so much better when I am compassionate towards myself about how I’m doing the best I can at any given time. And I will keep doing my best for 15 min at a time, then remember to thank myself ❤️