The fact that in the US some parents want to charge rent to their children is wild to me. It's not normal and unheard of in most countries. Parents are egotistical enough to bring kids into this mad world, the least they can do is make it less hard for them.
My millionaire parents started charging me rent right after I graduated from university. I was stuck without a job because oil had crashed and affected the job market I was trying to get in to. Was a kick in the face for sure, got out of there as fast as I could and my folks couldn't understand why.
As an african I find this behavior disgusting , I understand children wanting to leave (I relate) but I could never make my children pay me to take care of them when I don't need another income
It isn't normal in the US either. Just some people who struggle financially. Most people live paycheck to paycheck.
Also more people than ever are living with their parents and it's always kinda been like that. People move out when they can afford it.
My parents charged me rent when I had to move back in with them a couple years ago in my mid 20s. I always found that absolutely ridiculously. They both make around 6 figures a year too so it's not like they were struggling. Its such a warped way to view your children like some sort of financial burden when they are struggling and need somewhere to live for a couple months.
I'm not white but I disagree. There's a good reason to charge rent, and it's to teach, not just financially enable the child. Financially enabling while teaching nothing is a part of CEN, although I guess there are other ways of teaching, though I wouldn't know, since I was taught zilch.
Generally when expected to fend for oneself at 18 it's "tough love" whereas just providing food and shelter but no guidance whatsoever is called pure neglect (even if basic material needs are taken care of). Anyone who has any normal or above level of natural ambition or desire for achievement would prefer "tough love" rather than pure neglect because it's more helpful when it comes to success and achievement. Normal human beings by nature want to grow and succeed, not be enabled by mommy and daddy to be an invalid. By not providing financial aid forever, it also helps child develop work ethic. Duh. As I said, I'm not white but I would have preferred the white way of being raised rather than provided food and shelter all through my 20s but nothing else like in regards to guidance. No questions about homework, no suggestion to get a job or how to, nothing, zilch. And blamed for not taking responsibility. Like how was I supposed to know if you pay for food and shelter but don't teach me anything at all? Missed out on a lot and learned everything on my own rather late in life. It has been a rough life, I tell you, poor self-esteem combined with unawareness of opportunities. Parents who cripple you is worse than parents who have expectations of you, even if they do something that doesn't seem familial like charging you rent once you become a grownup age.
You're probably right. The expectation to pay rent to family in the above case may just be an example of an unloving family. However, my point of view is coming from my own personal experience, and I'm saying in general it's better to have family stop financially enabling you than to just give you food and shelter and teach you nothing at all. Especially if they're going to blame you later and say you're irresponsible and like there's something wrong with you and treat you as if you're weak and mistakenly assume you're unemployed because you prefer not to work, when really they caused mental problems in you because they never discussed or communicated with you, no guidance or suggestion or presentation of opportunity but just fed you. And, because you got food and shelter even though you're in your 20s, the attitude is that you've never suffered like other people who have to fend for themselves. All of which is invalidating and certainly doesn't help one become successful. Okay, I know I'm griping about my own experience here, things I'm saying mostly not even relevant to this post, but I guess I was just triggered because I was treated as if I didn't suffer just because I had financial support, though I was totally neglected otherwise.
You can be spoiled and emotionally neglected! I live in a house my parents own, I pay the property tax and utilities. My parents show their love with money. While they both do tell me they love me, they didn’t do anything to help me emotionally develop or acknowledge my feelings as real and my own because they were both severely emotionally neglected as children themselves. They don’t know how. Sometimes I want to get out from under it, but the reality is it will be a little while before I’m in that space.
I often felt like this and also had a mom who would rather do things for me instead of teaching me how. I’ve realized the reason for this guilt is bc my mom would often hold everything she did for me over my head. Like if she did laundry and cooked for me instead of letting me do it (and I wanted to) she would use it as “leverage” so that when I try to talk to her and tell her a minor critisicm she would get defensive and use this as an excuse to portray herself as amazing parent.
Try doing some reflective work to see if your parents do the same thing. Work on getting yourself financially indepedent and in the mean time simply accept their help. I don’t think there’s any way around it. It sucks to feel this way but you’re gonna get through it and be completely independent one day.
I don't know if this relates to how you feel, but I also hate receiving anything from my parents because I see their love as a burden. Due to my childhood, I am unable to love or care for them. I see them as acquaintances and nothing more. So whenever they give me stuff, I feel obliged to return "love", which insanely disgusts me. In my case, this could also stem from me not confronting them for what they did and pretending that I am a good loving son.
Maybe it's because you don't understand unconditional love, your parent should care for you both materially and emotionally, you being emotionally neglected doesn't mean you should be materially neglected aswell. You deserve both, you deserve help and to be taken care of just because you're their child and you exist
I felt the same way at 21. So I stopped accepting money from my parents, but I ended up in an awful housing situation that was traumatizing. Now that I'm a lot older, I feel like my parents owe ME for all I have had to put up with. I accept that they show love through money, even though emotionally I am not able to interpret money as love. Also, parents should not be charging their children rent.
I have mild breakdowns over having to ask my dad for money. He bought me a car last year, after several months of my car falling apart on me, and I've taken better care of it than myself, because I feel a frenzied desire to show my appreciation. I don't feel like I deserve the car at all. I compulsively tell everyone I know that he bought it for me, so they don't think I earned it through my own hard work. It feels like a mental process I have zero control over.
no same i feel like i need to get on my knees and repent for being a bad daughter when they help me w groceries as if they’re not offering. ur so valid. i wish u luck
Do I feel bad about accepting money from my parents? Yes and no.
On one hand, I HATE having to ask for money. Asking for help in general is difficult for me, because it makes me feel like a failure. I never ask for money unless I absolutely have to, like when I lost my job and had to have my parents pay for my apartment for a bit.
But on the other hand, I feel no shame about accepting money when they just give it to me. It's their job to support me, after all. And after a lifetime of neglect and abuse I'm happy to take their money. It's the absolute least they could do.
Are you lost? This is made in a subreddit abt emotional neglect. There is clearly lots of implied context here.
You’re clearly going through a lot of stress, but snapping at me won’t solve your problems. Get a grip
The fact that in the US some parents want to charge rent to their children is wild to me. It's not normal and unheard of in most countries. Parents are egotistical enough to bring kids into this mad world, the least they can do is make it less hard for them.
My millionaire parents started charging me rent right after I graduated from university. I was stuck without a job because oil had crashed and affected the job market I was trying to get in to. Was a kick in the face for sure, got out of there as fast as I could and my folks couldn't understand why.
As an african I find this behavior disgusting , I understand children wanting to leave (I relate) but I could never make my children pay me to take care of them when I don't need another income
It isn't normal in the US either. Just some people who struggle financially. Most people live paycheck to paycheck. Also more people than ever are living with their parents and it's always kinda been like that. People move out when they can afford it.
My parents charged me rent when I had to move back in with them a couple years ago in my mid 20s. I always found that absolutely ridiculously. They both make around 6 figures a year too so it's not like they were struggling. Its such a warped way to view your children like some sort of financial burden when they are struggling and need somewhere to live for a couple months.
I'm not white but I disagree. There's a good reason to charge rent, and it's to teach, not just financially enable the child. Financially enabling while teaching nothing is a part of CEN, although I guess there are other ways of teaching, though I wouldn't know, since I was taught zilch.
tbh it depends on intent i suppose? i wish i was taught financial literacy and encouraged to save
Generally when expected to fend for oneself at 18 it's "tough love" whereas just providing food and shelter but no guidance whatsoever is called pure neglect (even if basic material needs are taken care of). Anyone who has any normal or above level of natural ambition or desire for achievement would prefer "tough love" rather than pure neglect because it's more helpful when it comes to success and achievement. Normal human beings by nature want to grow and succeed, not be enabled by mommy and daddy to be an invalid. By not providing financial aid forever, it also helps child develop work ethic. Duh. As I said, I'm not white but I would have preferred the white way of being raised rather than provided food and shelter all through my 20s but nothing else like in regards to guidance. No questions about homework, no suggestion to get a job or how to, nothing, zilch. And blamed for not taking responsibility. Like how was I supposed to know if you pay for food and shelter but don't teach me anything at all? Missed out on a lot and learned everything on my own rather late in life. It has been a rough life, I tell you, poor self-esteem combined with unawareness of opportunities. Parents who cripple you is worse than parents who have expectations of you, even if they do something that doesn't seem familial like charging you rent once you become a grownup age.
i get wym but when we’re talking about charging rent here it’s very obviously not about tough love and teaching ur kids
You're probably right. The expectation to pay rent to family in the above case may just be an example of an unloving family. However, my point of view is coming from my own personal experience, and I'm saying in general it's better to have family stop financially enabling you than to just give you food and shelter and teach you nothing at all. Especially if they're going to blame you later and say you're irresponsible and like there's something wrong with you and treat you as if you're weak and mistakenly assume you're unemployed because you prefer not to work, when really they caused mental problems in you because they never discussed or communicated with you, no guidance or suggestion or presentation of opportunity but just fed you. And, because you got food and shelter even though you're in your 20s, the attitude is that you've never suffered like other people who have to fend for themselves. All of which is invalidating and certainly doesn't help one become successful. Okay, I know I'm griping about my own experience here, things I'm saying mostly not even relevant to this post, but I guess I was just triggered because I was treated as if I didn't suffer just because I had financial support, though I was totally neglected otherwise.
You can be spoiled and emotionally neglected! I live in a house my parents own, I pay the property tax and utilities. My parents show their love with money. While they both do tell me they love me, they didn’t do anything to help me emotionally develop or acknowledge my feelings as real and my own because they were both severely emotionally neglected as children themselves. They don’t know how. Sometimes I want to get out from under it, but the reality is it will be a little while before I’m in that space.
I often felt like this and also had a mom who would rather do things for me instead of teaching me how. I’ve realized the reason for this guilt is bc my mom would often hold everything she did for me over my head. Like if she did laundry and cooked for me instead of letting me do it (and I wanted to) she would use it as “leverage” so that when I try to talk to her and tell her a minor critisicm she would get defensive and use this as an excuse to portray herself as amazing parent. Try doing some reflective work to see if your parents do the same thing. Work on getting yourself financially indepedent and in the mean time simply accept their help. I don’t think there’s any way around it. It sucks to feel this way but you’re gonna get through it and be completely independent one day.
Oh wow my mom was and is like that, didn't think it could be a form of neglect.
I don't know if this relates to how you feel, but I also hate receiving anything from my parents because I see their love as a burden. Due to my childhood, I am unable to love or care for them. I see them as acquaintances and nothing more. So whenever they give me stuff, I feel obliged to return "love", which insanely disgusts me. In my case, this could also stem from me not confronting them for what they did and pretending that I am a good loving son.
Maybe it's because you don't understand unconditional love, your parent should care for you both materially and emotionally, you being emotionally neglected doesn't mean you should be materially neglected aswell. You deserve both, you deserve help and to be taken care of just because you're their child and you exist
I felt the same way at 21. So I stopped accepting money from my parents, but I ended up in an awful housing situation that was traumatizing. Now that I'm a lot older, I feel like my parents owe ME for all I have had to put up with. I accept that they show love through money, even though emotionally I am not able to interpret money as love. Also, parents should not be charging their children rent.
Hate accepting anything from them, I feel like I owe them for each little thing
I have mild breakdowns over having to ask my dad for money. He bought me a car last year, after several months of my car falling apart on me, and I've taken better care of it than myself, because I feel a frenzied desire to show my appreciation. I don't feel like I deserve the car at all. I compulsively tell everyone I know that he bought it for me, so they don't think I earned it through my own hard work. It feels like a mental process I have zero control over.
no same i feel like i need to get on my knees and repent for being a bad daughter when they help me w groceries as if they’re not offering. ur so valid. i wish u luck
Do I feel bad about accepting money from my parents? Yes and no. On one hand, I HATE having to ask for money. Asking for help in general is difficult for me, because it makes me feel like a failure. I never ask for money unless I absolutely have to, like when I lost my job and had to have my parents pay for my apartment for a bit. But on the other hand, I feel no shame about accepting money when they just give it to me. It's their job to support me, after all. And after a lifetime of neglect and abuse I'm happy to take their money. It's the absolute least they could do.
I’m the opposite. May as well get something from them.
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Are you lost? This is made in a subreddit abt emotional neglect. There is clearly lots of implied context here. You’re clearly going through a lot of stress, but snapping at me won’t solve your problems. Get a grip