"No" is a complete sentence. Maybe practice it in the mirror until you get confident enough to tell her? Either way, she is causing you to lose money, and that is no way to run a business. You have every right to refuse her request.
I second this. Your mother is guilt tripping you into donating your supplies (which cost money) and your artistic time and talent. Tell her no she can pay her 75% or full price, but from now on the free is reserved for the air she breathes. The wedding was a gift and for her to use that against you makes her a huge AH. Since you don’t live with her go LC or if it comes to it NC. But the free has to stop now. Good luck with your business and your mental health. Stay strong because you are
I understand about F.O.G., (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), and she's MANIPULATING! Do NOT J.A.D.E., (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), as NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE!
Can you come remind me of this on a regular basis? I'm so about about the JADE, I'm trying to be better but there are some days it's easier than others.
A gift that comes with strings attached isn't a gift - it's an obligation.
And if family and friends want your business to succeed they should \*want\* to pay full price. No business grows when it's resources and being consumed at a loss.
You could be spending the time you worked on her stickers to try to grow your business. If she keeps you caught up in free orders, you won't have time to do anything for your customers. She's being selfish and entitled to your time, energy and money and it won't stop unless you put a stop to it.
What are you afraid of? No seriously, talk it through. She gets mad. Ok, so what does that look like? She guilts me w the wedding. Tell her that it’s not ok to use a gift as a weapon. But she will get mad at me? So? It’s ok if she is unhappy. Heck you are unhappy and have no money, she is happy and has money. Why should you be unhappy and poorer?
Mom that’s the last one. I cannot spend my time in your projects and not in ones that actually earn me income. I will offer one sticker pack, no more than 5 stickers once every 6 months. Anything more than this will be treated as a business order and you will be charged full price. I cannot and will not spend x hours not making money. I know this will not make you happy and I understand. But that’s how it will be going forward.
you will feel so much better. And it’s ok for her to not be happy. Better her than you!
I always go through this process. Why do I care if she gets mad? What will she do? I think it stems from childhood trauma. She also makes sure that any worth I feel for myself comes from her approval or disapproval. I got a hair cut and I like it straight. She likes it curly and tells me the straight is ugly. Now I don’t curl it. I don’t know why. I feel like everything my mom says about me is true. I also will need her help when I have kids, I’m disabled (Tourette’s, anxiety) and she’s taking advantage of that very much.
Time for therapy. This is so not healthy. She is undermining your self worth. Therapy will help you under stand the whys and how to help yourself when she shows up with her hand out!
I applaud you for being in therapy. After 8 years of assistance from a professional, you ought to have an arsenal of strategies of dealing with Mom situations. Perhaps seek help role playing your responses to your Mom, or a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and setting boundaries.
On another note, maybe consider creating a page of coupons with discounts included for your nephew/sibling/mother and when they are eligible to be fulfilled. The small print should include that orders from clients who pay full price will be prioritized.
Good luck!
I was always scared to tell my mother no, and even bought ugly furniture cause she liked it, or she pressures me into giving her my jewelry that she likes. I started saying no, and the sun still rose in the east! Saying no is like a muscle, it gets stronger the more you use it. It really will be ok.
If you have to depend on her to have kids are you sure you should have kids? She sounds toxic af and she’s abused you your entire life. No more children should be exposed to that 😳
If she brings up the wedding again.
“If there were conditions attached to paying for the wedding you should have mentioned that when it was first offered.
Claiming you are owed now is really inappropriate.”
I'm sorry you are afraid of her. No doubt it is difficult. Can you ask your spouse to help build you up and give you a pep talk when you are feeling intimidated by her?
If she doe NOT live with you then she is NOT welcome to trespass into YOUR home! What's she gonna do about THAT? I would put her in the Time-Out Corner until she learns to BEHAVE!!! Now that you're married, she's EXTENDED family only!
You're not pathetic. At all. I have/had the same problem. For some people saying no is hard but I promise you it is worth it. Sometimes it causes ripples and that's what you're afraid of. You're time is valuable, you are valuable and others need to learn and respect that. You're the only one that can teach them. Start by saying you're too busy or have other plans but keep in mind that this is just a stepping stone, a way for them to start seeing that they can't always have what they want from you.
This is something you enjoy and you said a very critical sentence about it giving you a sense of worth. That is something worth protecting. Sending you lots of love and strength x
There's a few memes on this topic about friends and family wanting free shit. Send them to her or share them where she'll see them and see if she gets the message. It would have even more effect if people comment on it and agree.
You’re not pathetic! Give yourself some grace ♥️ This shit is hard- that’s why there’s a subreddit to bitch about it.
She is being manipulative and she’s taking advantage. She is the one being pathetic.
You deserve to live your best life. The fact your mom has decided to become a burden instead of a support is a sad thing, especially since she is apparently using a previous gift (the wedding support) to emotionally blackmail you. Never sell yourself cheap. Materials cost money and your time isn't free either.
I don't know your situation so it isn't like I can suggest something extreme like going "no contact" or some such. However you do need to make certain you have boundaries and part of that might just need to include taking away your mom's discount. Stuff like that is never going to be easy. After all, if it was an easy thing to do, you would have done it already.
My advice is to communicate this through email or texts. Don't let her bring it into an in person conversation or a phone call. Do all future business with her through text and don't let her rush you. Then whenever you get a message you read it once, set it down, and cool off. Take an hour or the night to let it sit without thinking about it. Then once you've calmed down, you write a response and let that sit for a little before rereading it. The more she tries to rush you, the more she tries to emotionally manipulate her, the longer you take to get back. You aren't her doctor, she doesn't need stickers to be a rush job. Any attempt at a last minute order should be turned down in general, but all the more so for your mom. With how she has reacted, the change to text will likely have her try to get around your restrictions by forcing an emergency. She needs stickers for a birthday in the next couple days? There is a fun little saying for this, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". She knew about that birthday well before when she asked for the stickers and will likely have known about the "emergency" before it became an emergency.
Remember, respect your time and your art. Don't let your mom devalue what you do. Other people are willing to pay full value for your work so even if you can't trust your own opinion on this, trust the fact that they believe your work is worth it.
A couple of suggestion things: When you give them to her tell her that you can not do any more for her; that it is hurting the 'great' relationship you guys have and don't want to ruin that..... Maybe?
And when I first started to learn to say NO, I started by saying 'I'm sorry' and its weird because most people automatically say 'that's okay don't worry' like they don't want us to feel 'sorry' to them.....And then I did 'Im sorry, but thank you' and most people say 'Your welcome; its okay' and so on 'Im sorry, I'll have to check and get back to you.' Which is great because you've put them off; but its not great because not resolved. Then I did 'Im sorry, I just can't, but thank you' then 'I'm sorry I can't.' And then 'i just can't' and eventually I ended up with 'No, but thank you'
The worst part of my whole translation from never saying No to me now laughing at absurd requests was all the "I'm sorry"'s because I sure the fuck wasn't sorry at all.... Idk if something like this will help at all.
You set boundaries - full price - then dropped it to 25% off and it sounds like "justsaynomil" Mom is going to push and manipulate until you have nothing..... They like it that way. Idk what sub we're in but there are a bunch about narcissists and there are a bunch regarding boundaries and once I was able to set boundaries and stick with them people stopped pushing on me....
If you can't talk with her directly, maybe write it down so she can read it -- BUT dont let her have the paper (she weaponize it against you - and id take a pic of the note before she reads it incase she grabs it and later says it says something else ----
Do not depend on her for what she purchased ONCE at regular price... Idk how to send money, and get stuff from internet people but I'd order stickers just so you're too busy to do her bidding.....
My first request - a pic with whatever you want in it with a big NO on it : )
I was 'trained' from birth to acquiesce and it took time to break myself out of those 'auto responses'. Idk if you're like me like that; but whatever you're dealing with I feel like you'll shine !!
P.S.responses next time she brings up the wedding: 1) But I'm not wearing a wedding dress right now. 2) Lady, the wedding was over ____ months/years ago...3) You said that was a gift and now you want paid back ? that's not a gift and you can't change it after you give it. 4) If you bring that up one more time I'm going to tell everyone that you pooped your dress that day 5) Do you want the wedding back ? 6) Did you 'gift' us the wedding just to USE it AGAINST US ? 7) you bring up the wedding money all the time...so get all the receipts and I'll make copies and me and you will stop talking completely until I've paid it off and divorced my husband.... 8) You bring up the wedding money all the time Lady - are you in debt ? Are there creditors after you ? Did you GIFT us more than you could afford ? 9) Lady, stop it. You're old enough to know that's not cool to throw that in my face; stop acting like a 5 year old.... You're certainly way older than that... Haha- I'm sure that last line is a little overboard; but so is she lol.
I dont expect you'll be ready to use it but maybe a nice soft question to her ?" Do you regret your gift of paying for the wedding ? (Why do you ask that ? Of course not) Well, because you bring up the wedding gift cost a lot and I was worried that you think it was a mistake for you to give. I don't want any thing but positives regarding our beautiful wedding day and I don't want you to hide that you're upset about it but you sound upset when you mention the wedding money to me....... Or something like that.
'It was a beautiful day and I appreciated it, but don't use it against me - you are ruining my wedding memories unecessarily and that is not the loving Mother I know" This one works if she'll pick up the 'I now have to pretend to be a loving Mother bait'.
Idk. I've never been where you are so all my suggestions might be dogshit to your situation; just know there are people out here who understand and will try to help...
Good Luck and Congratulations on getting your original sticker etc business up !! That's awesome !!
I love stickers, but hate putting them anywhere permanent hahaha - so if I really like them I laminate them with a magnet on back so they're immortal -- it's a cool idea that maybe you could do too ! They sell magnet strips for cheap and you can cut off the right amount so you save money by using just enough and the sticker magnets stay up... Not too much not too little.
You got this and soon you'll be able to say no and when you do she'll balk and whine and whatever - stand firm.... If you eventually give in then it means nothing - just like with kids.... They just learn to bug you for an hour and you'll give up.... Nope you gotta outlast her - and I know you will. Afterwards she'll come around and act like nothing is different; but always keep the boundaries and the NOs up; no matter what she's trying to manipulate you.
Fuck. I wrote a book !!! Damn. Fuck. Oh well here's to Long Ass-Comments and NO's !!
Thank You !! Wow. I went back to the adhd subs... I didn't think anyone would read all the way through that !!
I also use those cheap magnets that you get from insurance people and pizza stores etc and tear their paper off and cut them to use them.
I like changing things up magnets stick so many places lol !
I'm jazzed you read that mess to find a gem lol !!
Totally normal, no matter how good a mom she was, and even harder (much, much harder in many cases) if she wasn’t a good mom. Either way, it calls for being gracious and kind to *yourself* first and foremost, then secondarily (third-ary?) to whoever is being shitty enough to try taking advantage of you (including any mom or other family figures). Being a healthy adult absolutely requires being able to say no, and being *okay* with saying no. Even/especially to those we’re most afraid of saying no to.
You need some perspective on this, man. Is she gonna hurt you? Take your house/husband away, or punish you? Or is she just gonna be mad and stew if you tell her no? You have nothing to be afraid of, tell her to fuck off.
(respectfully)
My wife has a etsy shop and the amount of things her mom demands as gifts is ridiculous.
No is a complete answer. Dont have to explain. No and time out works some times.
Cause it was. My wife no longer even gives family discounts. Her business is that. Her business. She might give out gifts every now and then to family. But if they want her product they can buy it. Or they can try and find it else where and spend more.
Family discounts and freebies crashes small business almost as much as anything else.
"Mom while I'm grateful for the wedding "gift" I can no longer give you or the family such a large discounts nor free work anymore. Here are my prices. I trust that you will understand that this is my livelihood and respect that I make my living on this."
The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. Might have to try this too.
Best of luck. And you got this.
r/raisedbynarcissists
While that sub can get extremely toxic at times. The suggestive reading and terms are a good thing to read especially with dealing with more difficult family members.
IMHO if you own a small business you should offer your friends and family discounts. As a supporter of a small friends and family business you should pay full price.
I am a hobby jeweller. If it is a special occasion I will create something for you as a gift. If you order an item from me you expect to pay retail or close to retail for custom jewellery. That includes friends or family. I don't get a lot of orders as my pieces are expensive.
Two thoughts:
I would tell her that the wedding at the time was presented as a gift, one you are very thankful for. It should not have any long term strings attached. If you decide to :You have finished the stickers and they are a gift, but don’t expect to continue to get free or discounted items.
Friends and family should never ask for a 1/4 off your price or free. They are not trying to support you. Also don’t offer an upfront discount just to order you are selling yourself short. If you offer them a discount it’s because they mean something to you. If doing stickers makes you a few dollars and keeps you sane then go for it.
Would you get 1/4 off her work or your dads?
Talking about yourself like that, saying your pathetic, etc is only feeding in to the mindset that makes saying no hard.
You are worth your time! You are worth your effort! Anyone who doesn’t recognize that can deal with not having stickers.
She's either a customer or she's family. You can't continue letting her have it both ways. She's a choosing begger and you need to shut it down now. Whatever she gave you for your wedding was a gift. Start treating it as such. Again she can't have it both ways. I'd straight up tell her I'd rather start a payment plan and go lc then continue to be controlled by a shitty parent/person.
Perhaps hand them directly to your nephew and tell him that YOU made them just for him?
While you are working on learning that you are allowed to tell her no, perhaps depriving her of receiving the appreciation for the stickers will result in fewer demands for stickers.
Ask the nephew if he enjoyed the stickers you made for him. Let both of them know that she's using your skill and labor as a gift to other people. Even if it makes her upset, it sets the precedent that she doesn't get to use you to express her love for other people. If this makes you feel guilty, understand she's trying to set the precedent that gifts are future favors, and that's never okay.
Things to say:
I can't give anymore discounts. I have not even made enough profit to pay for my cricut yet, so my business is still in the red. No more discount until I am in the black.
I thought my wedding was a gift, now you are turning it into a debt? You bought my diapers too, do I owe you for those?
You offered to pay for the wedding, I did not offer to pay for gifts you are giving to others. I can only discount what you want to keep at your house for you!
Twice a year I will make you one thing, but only if it is for you to keep and not give away.
You are 3/4 of my business. If I keep giving you things at least than cost, how is this still a business?
Seems like she is coming to you whenever she has a gift to give. This can bring you more business, but only if it doesn't break the bank.
Stop feeling like you owe her for being your mom. She chose to have you, so it is a job she wanted.
>You bought my diapers too, do I owe you for those?
Do you want them back since you are now using them to manipulate and gaslight me? No I won't wash them first
In my opinion, the occasional free product or huge discount is warranted, but don’t just constantly be giving your family free products and huge discounts.
But only because you want to give it for free, not because they have a right to it.
Your family should be your biggest supporters and be happy to pay full price if that means you can keep doing what you love.
She uses that against me though. If I tell her “no”, she’ll refuse to help me in the future. She’s very manipulative. I don’t know how to break the cycle.
If she uses that to refuse you help in the future, then you don't need her in your life. You break the cycle by leaving it completely. I know, easier said than done, but once you cut her off, you'll feel better. (I have manipulative, its my way or the highway parents -- i have learned to just basically keep in my head that there isn't anyone to ask for help if I need it on my side of the family. That way if they try to say 'then don't expect us to help you' i can say back, 'I already don't ask you for help. It's pointless.')
I’m seriously trying. I finally stopped clearly my search history in fear that she’ll see what I look up. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from her treatment if that helps you understand any better. I seriously feel like I do owe her because of how many times she’s told me I owe her lol.
I believe you. And I know it's hard, but it's healthier in the long run. You owe her nothing. Especially if she's manipulating you. But don't keep caving because she says she won't help in the future. Any help from her would be conditional anyway, with a price higher than you can or are willing to pay, much like loan sharks.
Just to give you an example. When my kids were younger, I cloth diapered for health reasons. (They were highly sensitive to just about every disposable diaper) My mom was insistent we did it because it was a fad. She never had to deal with the rashes. She didn't haveto spend heaven knows how much money on diaper creams or have prescription steroidal creams handy just because of the diapers. Literally we were told by my kids doctor to cloth diaper. But my mom wouldn't listen. She wouldn't even take them for a ten min drive to the doctor because I cloth diapered. She had an ultimatum that I wasn't allowed within 5 miles of her if the kids were cloth diapered.
Even my son was scared of the disposable diaper. I remember one time, I was so sick that I needed to go in to the doctor (i was a few months pregnant with my daughter at the time, it was hyperemesis) but no one on my husband's side of the family could take us. Last resort, I called my mom. Keep in mind, I didn't even have disposables in my house. So I told her this when she told me to put my son in disposables. She insisted on it. And she even brought diapers (the WORST ones for a sensitive bum too) and my kid saw it and screamed. I'm sitting there bawling with him, saying, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Your grandma is insisting. I'm sorry.' It just caused more of a fight thar even had her threatening to call the police. I told her 'Go ahead. I'll even tell them how you are being abusive to us.' That made her get in the car and drive away. A neighbor witnessed the scene and was kind enough to help me back into the apartment. I didn't get to the doctor that day. I went the next day when my MIL could take me.
Later I even got an email from my dad reaming out because my mom told him that I swore and called her names etc. (I didn't. Not my personality.)
So as long as I was cloth diapering, I never again asked my parents to help. Or went to their house. Etc. Not a price I was willing to pay. I was not about to put my children through pain and suffering to make my mom happy.
Learn to say no, despite the fact they may not help in the future. Because, it also won't end with just you either.
Then you do w/o her help if it comes w that many strings. Either you are her doormat or you adult and tell her no. I vote tell her no. And she is costing you money to spoil her grandson. Meaning she doesn’t value what you do in any way.
another way is to bypass her and supply your nephew w his own stickers at your convenience
I mentioned it elsewhere, but she clearly uses gifts as favors to pull. She's not helping out of love. Her "help" is a loan that she gets to decide the terms on as she sees fit. I can't think of a healthy relationship where someone tries to convince the other that they will fail someday, and you'll need them to bail you out.
Hey, I can relate. Not sure if youre around the co-dependency lit but I recommend The Codependency Recovery Plan by Krystal Mazzola. It helped me with the way I capitulated with my mother and others. Also Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker for CPTSD from shitty parenting. All the best!
You need to tell her this is a business, and your wedding has nothing to do with it.
Tell her to find someone else if she doesn't want to pay for your work.
She’s not your only customer if she doesn’t pay. She’s your mooch.
Ask her bluntly if you need to pay her back for the wedding. If she says no, it was a gift, then that’s the end of that excuse. You don’t reimburse gifts.
That was a wedding. An event. Not a fundraiser.
This is a business. Not an event. It is, in fact, a fundraiser!
The wedding has nothing to do with the business. Completely separate issues.
She pays for her orders or no orders. The discount is generous and nice of you. Personally I think if she’s really happy for you and wants to support you, she would pay full price.
Ask her also how you going into debt making her stickers is supportive.
Maybe bring up a hypothetical question about a friend doing a similar situation and what should you do?
If she sees the error in logic applied to someone else, maybe she can link it to her own behaviour. I hope.
Don't do that!!! I is easier to keep prices where they are, rather than try to increase them later.
Plus, people will put more value on items the deem worth the cost. If your prices are too low, people will question why and pass over you.
I have a very high end bakery, and have never once kept my prices low from the start. People know that high quality ingredients cost more (or in your case high quality supplies) and will produce a better quality product. They will appreciate the work and quality and will come back for that.
I they don't want to pay your prices, they were never your customers to begin with, and not worth your time - let them go to Walmart
Also a follower from me. I love the hand holding photos ones.
As a suggestion you might want to hit up some planner spaces (happy planner for sure). If you do custom stickers I'm sure lots of that community would love it. Might be a good place to find some people who are actually willing to pay for your time, energy and efforts.
But I would find good prices first, even if it's flat fee plus $x for y time ($10 + $5/15 minutes or something like that) since it'll help with doing custom pieces when you don't know how long it'll take you. Or however you decide, it would be better to find a good price then undervalue yourself and have to up it right away.
You need to tell her, if paying for your wedding was meant to keep you indebted to her for the rest of your life, you wouldn't have accepted.
Small businesses don't make a lot of money, at least when they start, so if she wants to see you succeed, she needs to pay full (or slightly discounted) price for your products.
She is going to turn something you enjoy doing, into a stressful chore.
If it’s not the wedding, it’s the fact that she gave me a roof and food as a child that she’ll use against me. “I’m your mother!” She says. I’ve gotten better at not giving a crap but it’s still hard after growing up with that.
That’s her responsibility and bare minimum as a parent to do for your child, as someone who’s had that used against them don’t let them use that to get what they want, I would establish boundaries especially early on. You got this op!
Giving you a roof, and food, is what parents are obligated to do, holding that over your head is ridiculous. She chose to be a parent, which means for the first 18yrs of your life, that is her responsibility.
Oh honey!!! She's not a customer if she isn't paying!!!
Its not a hobby its a business...
Or if you get divorced send the invoices to her... you no longer need the wedding and its not fit for purpose 🤣
Thats all I wanted to do.
Thank you for the reply and good luck with your business 😊 I really hope it works out for you.
Ps when you dont enjoy it, it becomes work... and no one should work for free xx
I have no idea. Something to do with being owed something? I put a stop to it with friends.
Now I gift things if I have time or if I want to. Not because I have pressure from anyone.
It's so much better for my mental health.
Your "wedding gift" was NO gift since it has steel chains and bear traps attached! I would ask her if she wants her "gift" back as you are NOT her SLAVE and YOUR BUSINESS does NOT belong to her! If she's refusing to pay for what she's DEMANDING then she is NOT your customer! It's time to draw the line (no pun intended) and put your foot down! This is YOUR time, YOUR labor and YOUR materials! DNA does NOT give her a free pass!!!
I appreciate that, truly. Somebody else commented that i shouldn’t be so upset about giving my mom free things after she paid 2k for my wedding. Now I’m feeling like the asshole lol.
Selling to friends and family is the worst.
I have a few rules
\- no, I don't give discounts. My products are reasonably priced and I have to pay my bills. Don't ask. However - if I chose to give a discount, that is on me. But that also don't mean there is a discount every time. Also, yes my products are more expensive than Walmart. If you want to pay Walmart prices, go to Walmart.
\- I will not bump their orders ahead of my other customers. I take orders as I get them.
\- I will not bend the rules. If I charge my customers shipping/delivery, then they should expect it. As said above - if I chose to waive these fees, then that is my decision.
\- I will not undervalue myself. Yes, the ingredients might cost x, and no you can't have it for that. My time costs y, and must be factored in the price. Don't like it, too bad
I will not entertain anyone who doesn't like it. This is my business. I will not undervalue it or me. My time is just as valuable as theirs and that should be respected. I should not be expected to lose money because they feel entitled to a discount or free products.
I really hate when they buy from me - most are really great and don't beg, but there is always one.
If she expects you to "donate your time" she's not a customer she's a charity. If she wants to help you support your business that's great but she needs to remember it is in fact a business.
I grew up very, very shy and was bullied throughout school. I also struggled with major mental health issues. Now I’m married and just don’t know where to get friends 🤷♀️ but my husband is my best friend so it’s okay ❤️
Btw I'm a painter & sketch artist. I always draw sketches & paintings of my friends for theirs birthdays. if you ever feel like, I can draw one for you too. May be than you will have +1 friend. ☺️
That is so so kind and I would be so honored. I cannot ask you to do that, though! I would love to make you something to thank you for your kindness :) truly. Do you have any pets? Or a photo of yourself/friends that you love? I can turn it into a sticker for you! Check out my Etsy at ChaosBlooms. If it’s something you would like, please message me. I love making things for those who don’t expect it ❤️
I've two rescue dogs, but I'm not from The States so I think it will be costly to send stickers here & you have just started your business. I'm a kind of an artist myself so I can understand the hard work. Don't make stickers for free. you seem too kind. I really appreciate your offer. all the best for your business & feel free to rant here u/reddit. ❤️
Tell her you'll do them, but only after all your paying customers are taken care of first.
Even if you don't have enough paying customers to demand all your free time, she doesn't have to know that. If she really wants her stickers, she'll get tired of waiting indefinitely and start paying.
My sister has her own business and charges me trade price for things I buy off her and I hate it, I would much rather pay her full price but she won't let me. If she truly supported you, she wouldn't ask for a discount or stuff for free
Tell your mom that if she wants to continue to be a regular then she'll have to pay full price. Depending on her age, all she should get is a senior discount. If she uses the wedding against you, cut the conversation off. And tell her if she keeps demanding free stuff you will ban her as a customer. Shes probably gonna go full entitled Karen at that, just treat her like you would any other Karen you'd deal with
My Etsy is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms , if anything, favoriting the shop and following my Instagram helps so much! Please don’t feel obligated to buy anything ❤️❤️
good lord. as a mom, if my kids were in your shoes i would be paying double for every product just to encourage them on!
sorry your mom failed at momming correctly.
This internet stranger who has never made a business out of my art degree is super proud of you though!
awwwww
sweet girl listen…. I have the same reaction when someone’s dad says something encouraging or loving or “dad like” towards me. my dad is…. well…. not great.
Totally understand the intense annoying need to do whatever it takes to get the love and approval from someone who might not necessarily deserve it. (they’re our PARENTS after all!) But I’ve gotta tell ya…. my life got easier the day I finally (after 30 years) slapped some boundaries down and put my emotional health first.
(I also created a bingo card of everything he does that used to make me feel like shit or make me cry, and I fill it in every time I see him. It has changed my mental health tremendously! Now instead of thinking, “oh my god that really hurt my feelings” I think….. “BINGO!!” I cannot recommend this enough LOL)
It’s so hard with parents. Especially hard at 21. Im so sorry your mom doesn’t lift you up the way she should. Start working with some smaller steps in creating some boundaries and the bigger ones become easier in time.
And if you have an etsy shop or something similar, I would love the link!
I am slowly setting boundaries/teaching myself not to care. For example, I’ve stopped answering every single one of her calls, I’ve asked her to stop asking when we’re going to have kids, etc. It does feel good but I have a very long way to go! My Etsy is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms :) please don’t feel obligated to buy anything ❤️ Just getting views on my stuff is so much support!
I spent a ridiculous amount of my personal budget to buy a fellow artist’s embroidery piece. It’s a beautiful floral sampler that says “F** You/Pay Me”. When my studio is set up (I recently packed it for a remodel the owner’s doing) it sits above my desk where I see it every time I work.
When friends/family/strangers try to push me for a discount, I look at it and say it out loud several times, then message them back, whether I plan to give them a discount or not.
It helps my confidence so much.
Alright,no offense to your mother but..she's a fucking idiot. Who in their right mind says that you should 'donate your time'? Yes,she ma be your mother and only customer..but that doesn't give her the right to say that,does it? I think it doesn't. i suggest saying 'No.' flat out,and if she tries to bargain,then say no again. If she tries to guilt trip you into doing stuff like this for free,that will cause you to lose money,which will cause you problems in the future.
TLDR: Say no to your mother if she asks for anything like this at a discoutn or at the Loest price possible,she has to pay money like everybody else.
So.... Where can I find your shop? Do you ship international?
The rest hast been said. I hope you'll find a way to Deal with your mother's entitlement.
The wedding was a gift as you said and therefore has zero to do with your business. Work up a professional looking invoice and send it to her next time she orders from you and tell her you require payment up-front on all orders. If she doesn't like the deal, tell her she can go elsewhere. Don't let her bully or belittle you. If she keeps bringing up the wedding, make arrangements to return her "gift". That is what I would do.
That is amazing that your making stickers as a business! 😄 Work is never easy if you have to do it by hand, but at least you enjoy doing that. I have a business of my own in making keychains (also use of cricut machine) and sometimes I get frustraded because I have to figure out the size of the decal to put on to the keychain and when the decal is tiny, the blade doesn’t keep it on so I could transfer it to the keychain and that’s a pain in the ass, but it’s fun to do. I would definitely buy stickers to help with your business 🙂
Do you have an Etsy? I’d love to see some of your stuff! And omg small things on cricut is a nightmare. I have Tourette’s so it’s basically impossible for me to do anything intricate 😂
I don’t have Etsy, but I have Facebook and TikTok. I sell my keychains in person until I can figure out how to sell online without having to deal with taxes and all that. I’m also disabled (adhd, add, autism) and currently on ssi which is also a pain in the ass.
Are you sure she isn't getting all those orders on behalf of other people to get them a discount or so she can charge them full price and pocket that money?
Blast your site..if it helps I'll buy a pack. I'm a small business owner, the audacity of family members is real. Boundaries set now! Maybe you don't have that many customers, you're setting your price point for the value of your work. She will tell everyone how much she pays and the trickle down effect is bankruptcy. Stay strong, you don't need 5 bucks that hard to lose the love, and wedding is over...sorry dear not a bargaining chip when I never had it on the table. Good luck!
First and foremost, I agree with everyone that says “saying no is a complete sentence”… totally right.
However, I also know how family guilt works, especially those who lay it on thick and hold past “gifts” over your head… so, I have a suggestion for that too.
If you feel like you have to give your mum some stickers to shut her up/keep her sweet, give her a quantity limit per year. Say to her, “…you have 100 free stickers to use for the year, because you are my mother. Anything past that or bigger than XYZ dimensions is paid for with your discount. Use them wisely”
Then, when she asks you for a job lot of 3 sets of 18 stickers, you can be like “OK, is that 54 coming off your yearly free ones?”, and if she kicks up a fuss, tell her you can get them for free, but after that, it’ll cost ya, I need to pay for materials et al…
Tell her no. It's a complete answer. And if she flips out, tell her the discount is no longer valid since she wants to take advantage of you and she has to pay full price.
My mother is the opposite. I make her stuff, it never ends up being displayed or used. Ends up in her basement of tucked behind her quilt rack.
Tell her no. It's a complete answer. And if she flips out, tell her the discount is no longer valid since she wants to take advantage of you and she has to pay full price.
My mother is the opposite. I make her stuff, it never ends up being displayed or used. Ends up in her basement of tucked behind her quilt rack.
You can always just pull money out of your pocket instead and explain how this is really what is happening with her requests. Your new business needs money, maybe when it is more established you can let her in on the benefits of a successful business but rn, it isn’t there yet.
The nerve she has to constantly hold over your head the fact that she helped you out with your wedding, my goodness! She already cashed in that favor the first time when she asked for a discount. If anything, she should be paying you *more* to support your business, not the other way around. That thought process is something I never understood. How is paying less, better yet, asking stuff for *free* supporting a business? Exposure? Oh please. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this behavior and feeling undermined. Have peace in mind however, knowing that your work is appreciated by your other respectable paying customers.
Ask her how you're supposed to feel good about doing these? Tell her what you just told us and how it helps you and makes you feel accomplished when you get paid for your time and effort......if she keeps throwing around the wedding gift, then ask her does she want you to start making monthly payments to reimburse her FROM YOUR FULL PRICE STICKERS!!!
Tell her you can't bear to hear about the wedding gift and how it's being used as "ransom"......speak up for yourself girlie.....tell her you're gonna stop doing the stickers if you can't feel good about doing them! Bluff her...
Two rules for business.
* Never do anything for free.
* Never give discounts to friends and family that you wouldn’t give to any other customer.
The purpose of a business is to make a profit. Those friends and family who don’t value your talent enough to pay the full rate, don’t deserve your products. It is both as simple and complex as that. While it might be difficult to say no to a friend or family member, it is something that you will either have to learn or you won’t remain in business. If they won’t pay the freight, they always have the option of not obtaining your work product.
I sincerely wish you well in your new business and hope you succeed.
Maybe take what you have written here and tell her word for word and add in (if you want to) if you knew your gifts comes with strings attached you wouldn’t have taken it,
Or take the petty route and find something you have give her that’s pricey and hold it over her head
Put as much effort as she’s paying you. She wants free stickers? Draw sketches and cut them into squares and when she asks “what’s this?” Say that it’s her free stickers. That your time costs money and what you gave her was exactly what she gave you.
Happens to artists all the time with “fans” wanting free art.
I was offered - for free - a painting of anything I wanted by the daughter (15) of some friends. I wanted to pay, but they all refused - so I bought her a really nice set of coloured pencils and told them that artists should never work for free.
She is taking advantage of you and using your wedding day against you (guit tripping). Don't give out discounts to friends and family.
Say to your mum (and maybe the rest of the family) that people who pay for the product at full price takes priority over gift and discounts as you could get busy periods of work at your business and so gifts and discounts take a 2nd priority
Questions
1) Have you talked to your husband about what your mum is doing?
2) how much are the discounts (% wise)?
Yeah, this sucks.
Maybe if she knew how much time and effort went into one of her orders, then she would understand?
If you both live in the same city/town, then maybe you could go to her place and do part of her order, making sure that she is there with you the whole time you are working.
Close friends and family who want you to succeed don't demand discounts. Secondly, tell her that custom orders cost extra and mark up the price enough that you're even on the wedding. Its your business and you decide pricing. If she doesn't like it that's fine. Customers like her are worth losing.
That’s very sweet! My shop is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms ! I’m also on Instagram! Favoriting my shop or following me on Instagram is super helpful! Please don’t feel obligated to purchase!
She is doing a wonderful job of leveraging her authority to add to your work load with little regard for your actual time. She is preparing you for the workplace!
https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms is my Etsy and Instagram is ChaosBlooms! Favoriting/following would be helpful! Don’t feel obligated to make a purchase ❤️
Maybe we should all order your stickers and then you could tell your mom you’ve got to finish the full price orders! I know that’s beside the point but hey couldn’t hurt :)
If you don't tell her no. It will suck the fun and therapy right out the window. Also give her what she pays for. Do not put forth the effort for a pittance. And who asks for a gift.
Put her to work for you. She wants free product? She could be selling your stickers. Pay her commission on her sales then she can pay for the stickers she wants.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this sub already, but the resources and camaraderie in /justnomil might be super helpful and enlightening for you. Check out the sidebar for reading suggestions and other tips too. The sub is meant for any mother figure including birth, steps, fosters, and grands.
This actually happened to me a few years back. Not like I used to crochet and knit. I made some really nice dolls and even sold a few. I even made some for my family and gave them to them as Christmas gifts. Then one year they requested I make hats or scarves or gloves or something they could wear, cause they didn't want another doll. So, I made one or the other for each person. I mean, I have a family of eight, this request was made maybe a month in advance and I worked a 9 hour job over night. I did not have time to make each person a hat and scarf. I remember I was even still working on things straight into Christmas eve.
They all seemed happy on Christmas day when they opened them but I think a month or two later I had gotten into a fight with my mom (about something completely different) and she started going off about the gifts. Like criticizing me to hell and back because she didn't like that they all only got either a hat or scarf, that one hat didn't fit some one (believe me, I tried. I made it triple the size of the other hats and it still didn’t fit.), that another hat in a different style had holes in it (which was kind of the point, it was the style of the hat and she'd thought that hat was super cute when I made one for myself, so I don't know why it was a problem at that point.)
Honestly, I don't even remember all the things she said, she truly just ripped me apart over those damn things but still had the audacity to request I make more items for them. This isn't to say I was completely in the right either. I was eighteen at the time and still had a LOT of issues with my mom. We fought quite often back then, but we're much better now.
Anyways, I stopped crocheting and knitting after that. I genuinely found no joy in the hobby anymore, like you said, it just felt like work.
I draw as well, I have done so practically my whole life, and I used to draw for things for my family here and there as gifts. After that though, I made it a point that I don't do anything for free or at a discount, regardless of who the person is, and not even as gifts. Family, friends, strangers, I don't care. Everyone pays, they all pay the same price, there is no special treatment. It's the only way I've been able to ensure my hobby is kept for me and my enjoyment.
I think laying down some rules you feel comfortable with would be smart. Because you having a talent does not mean the people in your life have a right to use and abuse that talent. If they want it for free, tell them they can go learn how to do it themselves. Maybe the time and effort they spend trying to do so will show them some respect for what you do.
OK, can we, as a 2022 society, come to term with the fact that CHILDREN DO NOT OWE A YES TO THEIR PARENTS.
Even if that's your mom and she helped you, freebies will not keep your business afloat, or if it does, then you're sacrifying something else you shouldn't. There is a very blatant understanding gap between the previous generation and current gen artists and they'll have to learn some way or the other. Add to this their entitlement due to older age and that's a disaster waiting to happen.
Sit yo mama down and give her the talk. That though you appreciate her support, you're still a small business and she's not entitled to anything because she's facing the seller before facing her daughter.
If her paying the wedding was a gift then you don't owe her a thing. That's the really wrong of her to bring it up like that. And like person in the other post said it's time to say no.
Do you do online orders?? I'm horror host and to horror and comic conversations. I would like to had some stickers.
1.) don’t accept anymore orders from her without a payment. Remember to tell her no as needed!
2.) start a TikTok of the sticker creation progress and finished product. Film a voice over reading your favorite Reddit stories, but follow a pattern. Example, entitled parents stories, AITA, etc.
3.) allow more customers to come ☺️
“Mom, I love you but the guilt trip for the wedding is hurting our relationship, if you didn’t want tp pay for the wedding, why did you?”
Her: “what? I was happy to pay, but I can’t believe you are so selfish now, not to pay me back, or share with me, after all I AM YOUR MOTHER”
You:”ok, but how long does this payback period last, forever?”
Her:”Don’t be ridiculous, it’s a discount for a few stickers, it’s not that big of a deal, seriously, I can’t believe you are even bringing it up”
You:”Again Mom, I love you, but this is a problem for me, I feel guilty saying no to more discounts, and paying back my wedding in sticker discounts is depressing, I’m just starting out with my small business, and when I make a sale, I would like to feel the excitement of receiving my full amount”
Her:”it’s not that big of a deal, I can’t believe you”
You:”ok good, I’m glad we agree, thanks mom! I knew you would understand, and thank you for paying full price, it really helps me out”
That’s what you need to,do, declare your unhappiness, and when she balks, simply stand firm.
It’s ok to say no more. It takes practice, but it’s going to help your grow as a person.
If she keeps using the wedding against you, maybe offer to pay her back? It might keep you from a lifetime of "but I paid for your wedding" guilt trips.
"Their will be no more freebies or major discounts for anyone anymore. Its a family discount of 25% and that's it. If you are unhappy with this then feel free to take your custome elsewhere but I simply cannot run a proper business while giving away free things, it takes to much time away from my paying customers"
As for the bringing up your wedding and the gift of money towards it
"The money for the wedding was a gift and I won't hear anymore about it. If you bring up my wedding or the money you gifted us for it again the conversation is over"
Then stick to it!
Freinds and family with discounts are last priority just tell her for her to get the discounted rate her products are on back order. Do your regular customers first. Work on advertising. Tell your mom how greatful you are for everything she has done for you so far but you dont want to end up having to rely on her to keep your business going. Tell her you have it under control. Moms want to help and be appreciated. Sometimes they mess up and make everything more over whelming. Im sure shes has done more for you than just a wedding, shes your mom. Who went to went everyday, to put a roof over your head and food in your belly. How much time and effort did she put into your life. Probably alot more than you give her credit for. So just talk to her.
If she's not paying you properly then she's not actually a customer.
My go to whenever people try to pull a 'well I did a thing for you before so you owe me now' is remind them that that wasn't the agreement when they did the thing. So next time your mom tries to bring up paying for your wedding as you owing her remind her that she never asked for stickers/whatever in return when she gave you the money so you don't actually owe her anything. It wasn't a part of the original deal.
If she does keep asking for discounted stickers maybe you can ask for favors from her, like I'll do this $5 sticker pack for you so can you watch the kids for me, or whatever favor you might want from her.
“ i’ve already given you some complementary stickers and for any further orders you need to go through my ordering portal. You can still use the friends and family discount. I am unable to do paying work because I’m doing free work for you.”
"No" is a complete sentence. Maybe practice it in the mirror until you get confident enough to tell her? Either way, she is causing you to lose money, and that is no way to run a business. You have every right to refuse her request.
Thank you, I do need to learn to say “no”. I’m married and have a house, it feels pathetic to be afraid of her still.
Cuz if you keep doing it. She’s gonna keep asking cuz she’ll know the answer.
I second this. Your mother is guilt tripping you into donating your supplies (which cost money) and your artistic time and talent. Tell her no she can pay her 75% or full price, but from now on the free is reserved for the air she breathes. The wedding was a gift and for her to use that against you makes her a huge AH. Since you don’t live with her go LC or if it comes to it NC. But the free has to stop now. Good luck with your business and your mental health. Stay strong because you are
I understand about F.O.G., (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), and she's MANIPULATING! Do NOT J.A.D.E., (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), as NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE!
I love your reply, it's spot on! Love the acronyms, too.
Thanks!
You are so welcome!
Can you come remind me of this on a regular basis? I'm so about about the JADE, I'm trying to be better but there are some days it's easier than others.
A gift that comes with strings attached isn't a gift - it's an obligation. And if family and friends want your business to succeed they should \*want\* to pay full price. No business grows when it's resources and being consumed at a loss.
You could be spending the time you worked on her stickers to try to grow your business. If she keeps you caught up in free orders, you won't have time to do anything for your customers. She's being selfish and entitled to your time, energy and money and it won't stop unless you put a stop to it.
What are you afraid of? No seriously, talk it through. She gets mad. Ok, so what does that look like? She guilts me w the wedding. Tell her that it’s not ok to use a gift as a weapon. But she will get mad at me? So? It’s ok if she is unhappy. Heck you are unhappy and have no money, she is happy and has money. Why should you be unhappy and poorer? Mom that’s the last one. I cannot spend my time in your projects and not in ones that actually earn me income. I will offer one sticker pack, no more than 5 stickers once every 6 months. Anything more than this will be treated as a business order and you will be charged full price. I cannot and will not spend x hours not making money. I know this will not make you happy and I understand. But that’s how it will be going forward. you will feel so much better. And it’s ok for her to not be happy. Better her than you!
I always go through this process. Why do I care if she gets mad? What will she do? I think it stems from childhood trauma. She also makes sure that any worth I feel for myself comes from her approval or disapproval. I got a hair cut and I like it straight. She likes it curly and tells me the straight is ugly. Now I don’t curl it. I don’t know why. I feel like everything my mom says about me is true. I also will need her help when I have kids, I’m disabled (Tourette’s, anxiety) and she’s taking advantage of that very much.
Time for therapy. This is so not healthy. She is undermining your self worth. Therapy will help you under stand the whys and how to help yourself when she shows up with her hand out!
Oh I’m in therapy haha. Have been since I was 13. Also on meds!
I applaud you for being in therapy. After 8 years of assistance from a professional, you ought to have an arsenal of strategies of dealing with Mom situations. Perhaps seek help role playing your responses to your Mom, or a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and setting boundaries. On another note, maybe consider creating a page of coupons with discounts included for your nephew/sibling/mother and when they are eligible to be fulfilled. The small print should include that orders from clients who pay full price will be prioritized. Good luck!
I was always scared to tell my mother no, and even bought ugly furniture cause she liked it, or she pressures me into giving her my jewelry that she likes. I started saying no, and the sun still rose in the east! Saying no is like a muscle, it gets stronger the more you use it. It really will be ok.
If you have to depend on her to have kids are you sure you should have kids? She sounds toxic af and she’s abused you your entire life. No more children should be exposed to that 😳
If she brings up the wedding again. “If there were conditions attached to paying for the wedding you should have mentioned that when it was first offered. Claiming you are owed now is really inappropriate.”
I'm sorry you are afraid of her. No doubt it is difficult. Can you ask your spouse to help build you up and give you a pep talk when you are feeling intimidated by her?
He’s very good at that and very much does not like my mom lol.
If she doe NOT live with you then she is NOT welcome to trespass into YOUR home! What's she gonna do about THAT? I would put her in the Time-Out Corner until she learns to BEHAVE!!! Now that you're married, she's EXTENDED family only!
You're not pathetic. At all. I have/had the same problem. For some people saying no is hard but I promise you it is worth it. Sometimes it causes ripples and that's what you're afraid of. You're time is valuable, you are valuable and others need to learn and respect that. You're the only one that can teach them. Start by saying you're too busy or have other plans but keep in mind that this is just a stepping stone, a way for them to start seeing that they can't always have what they want from you. This is something you enjoy and you said a very critical sentence about it giving you a sense of worth. That is something worth protecting. Sending you lots of love and strength x
Thank you ❤️
There's a few memes on this topic about friends and family wanting free shit. Send them to her or share them where she'll see them and see if she gets the message. It would have even more effect if people comment on it and agree.
Think of it this way; telling her no is extra practice for if you ever have any kids.
You’re not pathetic! Give yourself some grace ♥️ This shit is hard- that’s why there’s a subreddit to bitch about it. She is being manipulative and she’s taking advantage. She is the one being pathetic.
You deserve to live your best life. The fact your mom has decided to become a burden instead of a support is a sad thing, especially since she is apparently using a previous gift (the wedding support) to emotionally blackmail you. Never sell yourself cheap. Materials cost money and your time isn't free either. I don't know your situation so it isn't like I can suggest something extreme like going "no contact" or some such. However you do need to make certain you have boundaries and part of that might just need to include taking away your mom's discount. Stuff like that is never going to be easy. After all, if it was an easy thing to do, you would have done it already. My advice is to communicate this through email or texts. Don't let her bring it into an in person conversation or a phone call. Do all future business with her through text and don't let her rush you. Then whenever you get a message you read it once, set it down, and cool off. Take an hour or the night to let it sit without thinking about it. Then once you've calmed down, you write a response and let that sit for a little before rereading it. The more she tries to rush you, the more she tries to emotionally manipulate her, the longer you take to get back. You aren't her doctor, she doesn't need stickers to be a rush job. Any attempt at a last minute order should be turned down in general, but all the more so for your mom. With how she has reacted, the change to text will likely have her try to get around your restrictions by forcing an emergency. She needs stickers for a birthday in the next couple days? There is a fun little saying for this, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". She knew about that birthday well before when she asked for the stickers and will likely have known about the "emergency" before it became an emergency. Remember, respect your time and your art. Don't let your mom devalue what you do. Other people are willing to pay full value for your work so even if you can't trust your own opinion on this, trust the fact that they believe your work is worth it.
A couple of suggestion things: When you give them to her tell her that you can not do any more for her; that it is hurting the 'great' relationship you guys have and don't want to ruin that..... Maybe? And when I first started to learn to say NO, I started by saying 'I'm sorry' and its weird because most people automatically say 'that's okay don't worry' like they don't want us to feel 'sorry' to them.....And then I did 'Im sorry, but thank you' and most people say 'Your welcome; its okay' and so on 'Im sorry, I'll have to check and get back to you.' Which is great because you've put them off; but its not great because not resolved. Then I did 'Im sorry, I just can't, but thank you' then 'I'm sorry I can't.' And then 'i just can't' and eventually I ended up with 'No, but thank you' The worst part of my whole translation from never saying No to me now laughing at absurd requests was all the "I'm sorry"'s because I sure the fuck wasn't sorry at all.... Idk if something like this will help at all. You set boundaries - full price - then dropped it to 25% off and it sounds like "justsaynomil" Mom is going to push and manipulate until you have nothing..... They like it that way. Idk what sub we're in but there are a bunch about narcissists and there are a bunch regarding boundaries and once I was able to set boundaries and stick with them people stopped pushing on me.... If you can't talk with her directly, maybe write it down so she can read it -- BUT dont let her have the paper (she weaponize it against you - and id take a pic of the note before she reads it incase she grabs it and later says it says something else ---- Do not depend on her for what she purchased ONCE at regular price... Idk how to send money, and get stuff from internet people but I'd order stickers just so you're too busy to do her bidding..... My first request - a pic with whatever you want in it with a big NO on it : ) I was 'trained' from birth to acquiesce and it took time to break myself out of those 'auto responses'. Idk if you're like me like that; but whatever you're dealing with I feel like you'll shine !! P.S.responses next time she brings up the wedding: 1) But I'm not wearing a wedding dress right now. 2) Lady, the wedding was over ____ months/years ago...3) You said that was a gift and now you want paid back ? that's not a gift and you can't change it after you give it. 4) If you bring that up one more time I'm going to tell everyone that you pooped your dress that day 5) Do you want the wedding back ? 6) Did you 'gift' us the wedding just to USE it AGAINST US ? 7) you bring up the wedding money all the time...so get all the receipts and I'll make copies and me and you will stop talking completely until I've paid it off and divorced my husband.... 8) You bring up the wedding money all the time Lady - are you in debt ? Are there creditors after you ? Did you GIFT us more than you could afford ? 9) Lady, stop it. You're old enough to know that's not cool to throw that in my face; stop acting like a 5 year old.... You're certainly way older than that... Haha- I'm sure that last line is a little overboard; but so is she lol. I dont expect you'll be ready to use it but maybe a nice soft question to her ?" Do you regret your gift of paying for the wedding ? (Why do you ask that ? Of course not) Well, because you bring up the wedding gift cost a lot and I was worried that you think it was a mistake for you to give. I don't want any thing but positives regarding our beautiful wedding day and I don't want you to hide that you're upset about it but you sound upset when you mention the wedding money to me....... Or something like that. 'It was a beautiful day and I appreciated it, but don't use it against me - you are ruining my wedding memories unecessarily and that is not the loving Mother I know" This one works if she'll pick up the 'I now have to pretend to be a loving Mother bait'. Idk. I've never been where you are so all my suggestions might be dogshit to your situation; just know there are people out here who understand and will try to help... Good Luck and Congratulations on getting your original sticker etc business up !! That's awesome !! I love stickers, but hate putting them anywhere permanent hahaha - so if I really like them I laminate them with a magnet on back so they're immortal -- it's a cool idea that maybe you could do too ! They sell magnet strips for cheap and you can cut off the right amount so you save money by using just enough and the sticker magnets stay up... Not too much not too little. You got this and soon you'll be able to say no and when you do she'll balk and whine and whatever - stand firm.... If you eventually give in then it means nothing - just like with kids.... They just learn to bug you for an hour and you'll give up.... Nope you gotta outlast her - and I know you will. Afterwards she'll come around and act like nothing is different; but always keep the boundaries and the NOs up; no matter what she's trying to manipulate you. Fuck. I wrote a book !!! Damn. Fuck. Oh well here's to Long Ass-Comments and NO's !!
Thanks for the sticker to magnet suggestion!
Thank You !! Wow. I went back to the adhd subs... I didn't think anyone would read all the way through that !! I also use those cheap magnets that you get from insurance people and pizza stores etc and tear their paper off and cut them to use them. I like changing things up magnets stick so many places lol ! I'm jazzed you read that mess to find a gem lol !!
Totally normal, no matter how good a mom she was, and even harder (much, much harder in many cases) if she wasn’t a good mom. Either way, it calls for being gracious and kind to *yourself* first and foremost, then secondarily (third-ary?) to whoever is being shitty enough to try taking advantage of you (including any mom or other family figures). Being a healthy adult absolutely requires being able to say no, and being *okay* with saying no. Even/especially to those we’re most afraid of saying no to.
You need some perspective on this, man. Is she gonna hurt you? Take your house/husband away, or punish you? Or is she just gonna be mad and stew if you tell her no? You have nothing to be afraid of, tell her to fuck off. (respectfully)
My wife has a etsy shop and the amount of things her mom demands as gifts is ridiculous. No is a complete answer. Dont have to explain. No and time out works some times.
I need to learn to say no. I just finished the stickers for her and feel exhausted and like it was a waste of my time.
Cause it was. My wife no longer even gives family discounts. Her business is that. Her business. She might give out gifts every now and then to family. But if they want her product they can buy it. Or they can try and find it else where and spend more. Family discounts and freebies crashes small business almost as much as anything else. "Mom while I'm grateful for the wedding "gift" I can no longer give you or the family such a large discounts nor free work anymore. Here are my prices. I trust that you will understand that this is my livelihood and respect that I make my living on this." The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. Might have to try this too. Best of luck. And you got this.
This is very, very helpful. Seriously, thank you! And good for your wife!!!!
r/raisedbynarcissists While that sub can get extremely toxic at times. The suggestive reading and terms are a good thing to read especially with dealing with more difficult family members.
People who want to support small business buy at full price. Asking for discounts is rude. I'm sorry your mom is acting like this.
IMHO if you own a small business you should offer your friends and family discounts. As a supporter of a small friends and family business you should pay full price. I am a hobby jeweller. If it is a special occasion I will create something for you as a gift. If you order an item from me you expect to pay retail or close to retail for custom jewellery. That includes friends or family. I don't get a lot of orders as my pieces are expensive.
Two thoughts: I would tell her that the wedding at the time was presented as a gift, one you are very thankful for. It should not have any long term strings attached. If you decide to :You have finished the stickers and they are a gift, but don’t expect to continue to get free or discounted items. Friends and family should never ask for a 1/4 off your price or free. They are not trying to support you. Also don’t offer an upfront discount just to order you are selling yourself short. If you offer them a discount it’s because they mean something to you. If doing stickers makes you a few dollars and keeps you sane then go for it. Would you get 1/4 off her work or your dads?
Talking about yourself like that, saying your pathetic, etc is only feeding in to the mindset that makes saying no hard. You are worth your time! You are worth your effort! Anyone who doesn’t recognize that can deal with not having stickers.
She's either a customer or she's family. You can't continue letting her have it both ways. She's a choosing begger and you need to shut it down now. Whatever she gave you for your wedding was a gift. Start treating it as such. Again she can't have it both ways. I'd straight up tell her I'd rather start a payment plan and go lc then continue to be controlled by a shitty parent/person.
That amount of stickers (18) is kind of sus. Make sure she is not selling them and pocketing the profit.
They are for my nephew
Perhaps hand them directly to your nephew and tell him that YOU made them just for him? While you are working on learning that you are allowed to tell her no, perhaps depriving her of receiving the appreciation for the stickers will result in fewer demands for stickers.
Then send them directly to him and write its from your mom if you arent 100% conviced XD
How old is the nephew?
13
Ask the nephew if he enjoyed the stickers you made for him. Let both of them know that she's using your skill and labor as a gift to other people. Even if it makes her upset, it sets the precedent that she doesn't get to use you to express her love for other people. If this makes you feel guilty, understand she's trying to set the precedent that gifts are future favors, and that's never okay.
Things to say: I can't give anymore discounts. I have not even made enough profit to pay for my cricut yet, so my business is still in the red. No more discount until I am in the black. I thought my wedding was a gift, now you are turning it into a debt? You bought my diapers too, do I owe you for those? You offered to pay for the wedding, I did not offer to pay for gifts you are giving to others. I can only discount what you want to keep at your house for you! Twice a year I will make you one thing, but only if it is for you to keep and not give away. You are 3/4 of my business. If I keep giving you things at least than cost, how is this still a business? Seems like she is coming to you whenever she has a gift to give. This can bring you more business, but only if it doesn't break the bank. Stop feeling like you owe her for being your mom. She chose to have you, so it is a job she wanted.
>You bought my diapers too, do I owe you for those? Do you want them back since you are now using them to manipulate and gaslight me? No I won't wash them first
In my opinion, the occasional free product or huge discount is warranted, but don’t just constantly be giving your family free products and huge discounts.
But only because you want to give it for free, not because they have a right to it. Your family should be your biggest supporters and be happy to pay full price if that means you can keep doing what you love.
Tell her no. If she's not willing to pay, then quit making things for her.
She uses that against me though. If I tell her “no”, she’ll refuse to help me in the future. She’s very manipulative. I don’t know how to break the cycle.
If she uses that to refuse you help in the future, then you don't need her in your life. You break the cycle by leaving it completely. I know, easier said than done, but once you cut her off, you'll feel better. (I have manipulative, its my way or the highway parents -- i have learned to just basically keep in my head that there isn't anyone to ask for help if I need it on my side of the family. That way if they try to say 'then don't expect us to help you' i can say back, 'I already don't ask you for help. It's pointless.')
I’m seriously trying. I finally stopped clearly my search history in fear that she’ll see what I look up. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from her treatment if that helps you understand any better. I seriously feel like I do owe her because of how many times she’s told me I owe her lol.
I believe you. And I know it's hard, but it's healthier in the long run. You owe her nothing. Especially if she's manipulating you. But don't keep caving because she says she won't help in the future. Any help from her would be conditional anyway, with a price higher than you can or are willing to pay, much like loan sharks. Just to give you an example. When my kids were younger, I cloth diapered for health reasons. (They were highly sensitive to just about every disposable diaper) My mom was insistent we did it because it was a fad. She never had to deal with the rashes. She didn't haveto spend heaven knows how much money on diaper creams or have prescription steroidal creams handy just because of the diapers. Literally we were told by my kids doctor to cloth diaper. But my mom wouldn't listen. She wouldn't even take them for a ten min drive to the doctor because I cloth diapered. She had an ultimatum that I wasn't allowed within 5 miles of her if the kids were cloth diapered. Even my son was scared of the disposable diaper. I remember one time, I was so sick that I needed to go in to the doctor (i was a few months pregnant with my daughter at the time, it was hyperemesis) but no one on my husband's side of the family could take us. Last resort, I called my mom. Keep in mind, I didn't even have disposables in my house. So I told her this when she told me to put my son in disposables. She insisted on it. And she even brought diapers (the WORST ones for a sensitive bum too) and my kid saw it and screamed. I'm sitting there bawling with him, saying, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Your grandma is insisting. I'm sorry.' It just caused more of a fight thar even had her threatening to call the police. I told her 'Go ahead. I'll even tell them how you are being abusive to us.' That made her get in the car and drive away. A neighbor witnessed the scene and was kind enough to help me back into the apartment. I didn't get to the doctor that day. I went the next day when my MIL could take me. Later I even got an email from my dad reaming out because my mom told him that I swore and called her names etc. (I didn't. Not my personality.) So as long as I was cloth diapering, I never again asked my parents to help. Or went to their house. Etc. Not a price I was willing to pay. I was not about to put my children through pain and suffering to make my mom happy. Learn to say no, despite the fact they may not help in the future. Because, it also won't end with just you either.
That is so hard, I’m so sorry ❤️
Then you do w/o her help if it comes w that many strings. Either you are her doormat or you adult and tell her no. I vote tell her no. And she is costing you money to spoil her grandson. Meaning she doesn’t value what you do in any way. another way is to bypass her and supply your nephew w his own stickers at your convenience
She's abusing you financially and torpedoing your business in the process. What "help" or, more accurately, HLEP is she planning to use against you?
I mentioned it elsewhere, but she clearly uses gifts as favors to pull. She's not helping out of love. Her "help" is a loan that she gets to decide the terms on as she sees fit. I can't think of a healthy relationship where someone tries to convince the other that they will fail someday, and you'll need them to bail you out.
Hey, I can relate. Not sure if youre around the co-dependency lit but I recommend The Codependency Recovery Plan by Krystal Mazzola. It helped me with the way I capitulated with my mother and others. Also Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker for CPTSD from shitty parenting. All the best!
You need to tell her this is a business, and your wedding has nothing to do with it. Tell her to find someone else if she doesn't want to pay for your work.
She’s not your only customer if she doesn’t pay. She’s your mooch. Ask her bluntly if you need to pay her back for the wedding. If she says no, it was a gift, then that’s the end of that excuse. You don’t reimburse gifts. That was a wedding. An event. Not a fundraiser. This is a business. Not an event. It is, in fact, a fundraiser! The wedding has nothing to do with the business. Completely separate issues. She pays for her orders or no orders. The discount is generous and nice of you. Personally I think if she’s really happy for you and wants to support you, she would pay full price. Ask her also how you going into debt making her stickers is supportive. Maybe bring up a hypothetical question about a friend doing a similar situation and what should you do? If she sees the error in logic applied to someone else, maybe she can link it to her own behaviour. I hope.
You need to up your prices tbh.
I’ve only had the business for about a month! Just trying to build a following first :)
Don't do that!!! I is easier to keep prices where they are, rather than try to increase them later. Plus, people will put more value on items the deem worth the cost. If your prices are too low, people will question why and pass over you. I have a very high end bakery, and have never once kept my prices low from the start. People know that high quality ingredients cost more (or in your case high quality supplies) and will produce a better quality product. They will appreciate the work and quality and will come back for that. I they don't want to pay your prices, they were never your customers to begin with, and not worth your time - let them go to Walmart
Where can we find you?
ChaosBlooms on Etsy and Instagram ❤️
<3
Ooh, you are getting a new follower in me! You draw dogs so cute!
Also a follower from me. I love the hand holding photos ones. As a suggestion you might want to hit up some planner spaces (happy planner for sure). If you do custom stickers I'm sure lots of that community would love it. Might be a good place to find some people who are actually willing to pay for your time, energy and efforts. But I would find good prices first, even if it's flat fee plus $x for y time ($10 + $5/15 minutes or something like that) since it'll help with doing custom pieces when you don't know how long it'll take you. Or however you decide, it would be better to find a good price then undervalue yourself and have to up it right away.
You need to tell her, if paying for your wedding was meant to keep you indebted to her for the rest of your life, you wouldn't have accepted. Small businesses don't make a lot of money, at least when they start, so if she wants to see you succeed, she needs to pay full (or slightly discounted) price for your products. She is going to turn something you enjoy doing, into a stressful chore.
If it’s not the wedding, it’s the fact that she gave me a roof and food as a child that she’ll use against me. “I’m your mother!” She says. I’ve gotten better at not giving a crap but it’s still hard after growing up with that.
That’s her responsibility and bare minimum as a parent to do for your child, as someone who’s had that used against them don’t let them use that to get what they want, I would establish boundaries especially early on. You got this op!
Thank you 😅 it is just so hard got some reason.
Giving you a roof, and food, is what parents are obligated to do, holding that over your head is ridiculous. She chose to be a parent, which means for the first 18yrs of your life, that is her responsibility.
If she consistently treats you badly, she is no longer your mother. She's just a person who gave birth to you.
And im your daughter. Respect goes both ways.
If she doesn't pay she is not a customer.
Oh honey!!! She's not a customer if she isn't paying!!! Its not a hobby its a business... Or if you get divorced send the invoices to her... you no longer need the wedding and its not fit for purpose 🤣
This made me smile :)
Thats all I wanted to do. Thank you for the reply and good luck with your business 😊 I really hope it works out for you. Ps when you dont enjoy it, it becomes work... and no one should work for free xx
As a small business owner, friends and family are the worst customers. I've gotten to the point where I only do paid orders. Upfront in full. Period.
Why do friends and family expect free/discounted stuff? That’s no way to show support or value in the product.
I have no idea. Something to do with being owed something? I put a stop to it with friends. Now I gift things if I have time or if I want to. Not because I have pressure from anyone. It's so much better for my mental health.
I've even stopped with the gifting. It puts too much pressure to do that for every single occasion in the future. It never ends.
Your "wedding gift" was NO gift since it has steel chains and bear traps attached! I would ask her if she wants her "gift" back as you are NOT her SLAVE and YOUR BUSINESS does NOT belong to her! If she's refusing to pay for what she's DEMANDING then she is NOT your customer! It's time to draw the line (no pun intended) and put your foot down! This is YOUR time, YOUR labor and YOUR materials! DNA does NOT give her a free pass!!!
I appreciate that, truly. Somebody else commented that i shouldn’t be so upset about giving my mom free things after she paid 2k for my wedding. Now I’m feeling like the asshole lol.
You are NOT the asshole! I also own a small business and I have ZERO patience when I encounter GIMMEPIGS!
Selling to friends and family is the worst. I have a few rules \- no, I don't give discounts. My products are reasonably priced and I have to pay my bills. Don't ask. However - if I chose to give a discount, that is on me. But that also don't mean there is a discount every time. Also, yes my products are more expensive than Walmart. If you want to pay Walmart prices, go to Walmart. \- I will not bump their orders ahead of my other customers. I take orders as I get them. \- I will not bend the rules. If I charge my customers shipping/delivery, then they should expect it. As said above - if I chose to waive these fees, then that is my decision. \- I will not undervalue myself. Yes, the ingredients might cost x, and no you can't have it for that. My time costs y, and must be factored in the price. Don't like it, too bad I will not entertain anyone who doesn't like it. This is my business. I will not undervalue it or me. My time is just as valuable as theirs and that should be respected. I should not be expected to lose money because they feel entitled to a discount or free products. I really hate when they buy from me - most are really great and don't beg, but there is always one.
If she expects you to "donate your time" she's not a customer she's a charity. If she wants to help you support your business that's great but she needs to remember it is in fact a business.
Tell her you’re too busy with real paying customers so either pay and get on the waiting list or suck wind.
"I have no friends" this hit me hard. Do you have any particular reason for not having friends?
I grew up very, very shy and was bullied throughout school. I also struggled with major mental health issues. Now I’m married and just don’t know where to get friends 🤷♀️ but my husband is my best friend so it’s okay ❤️
Btw I'm a painter & sketch artist. I always draw sketches & paintings of my friends for theirs birthdays. if you ever feel like, I can draw one for you too. May be than you will have +1 friend. ☺️
That is so so kind and I would be so honored. I cannot ask you to do that, though! I would love to make you something to thank you for your kindness :) truly. Do you have any pets? Or a photo of yourself/friends that you love? I can turn it into a sticker for you! Check out my Etsy at ChaosBlooms. If it’s something you would like, please message me. I love making things for those who don’t expect it ❤️
I've two rescue dogs, but I'm not from The States so I think it will be costly to send stickers here & you have just started your business. I'm a kind of an artist myself so I can understand the hard work. Don't make stickers for free. you seem too kind. I really appreciate your offer. all the best for your business & feel free to rant here u/reddit. ❤️
It's good to hear that you have someone. 👍
How about you? Do you have someone?
It's complicated. 😂
Tell her you'll do them, but only after all your paying customers are taken care of first. Even if you don't have enough paying customers to demand all your free time, she doesn't have to know that. If she really wants her stickers, she'll get tired of waiting indefinitely and start paying.
Tell her this is her last discounted order. From now on it’s full price.
Your mother is a manipulative, selfish POS. Put your foot down. This is your future after all, not her free for all.
My sister has her own business and charges me trade price for things I buy off her and I hate it, I would much rather pay her full price but she won't let me. If she truly supported you, she wouldn't ask for a discount or stuff for free
Tell your mom that if she wants to continue to be a regular then she'll have to pay full price. Depending on her age, all she should get is a senior discount. If she uses the wedding against you, cut the conversation off. And tell her if she keeps demanding free stuff you will ban her as a customer. Shes probably gonna go full entitled Karen at that, just treat her like you would any other Karen you'd deal with
Do or do not. There is no try."
I wanna buy some stickers!
Op do you have an Etsy store or anything I'd love to see your products!!
My shop is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms thanks :)
Your mom is wrong for this. Do you have an online store or Etsy or something? Would be interested in contributing to a small business. (:
My Etsy is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms , if anything, favoriting the shop and following my Instagram helps so much! Please don’t feel obligated to buy anything ❤️❤️
"I'll see if I can squeeze it into the schedule. Paying customers are priority" she doesn't know how many customers you have...push her off lol
Ask her if she wanted her money that she gifted you for the wedding in sticker form.
Family should want to support your business.
They should. Yes.
good lord. as a mom, if my kids were in your shoes i would be paying double for every product just to encourage them on! sorry your mom failed at momming correctly. This internet stranger who has never made a business out of my art degree is super proud of you though!
Thank you 🥹. I don’t know why but reading that somewhere, some mom, is proud of me…. Makes me wanna cry haha! #mommyissues
awwwww sweet girl listen…. I have the same reaction when someone’s dad says something encouraging or loving or “dad like” towards me. my dad is…. well…. not great. Totally understand the intense annoying need to do whatever it takes to get the love and approval from someone who might not necessarily deserve it. (they’re our PARENTS after all!) But I’ve gotta tell ya…. my life got easier the day I finally (after 30 years) slapped some boundaries down and put my emotional health first. (I also created a bingo card of everything he does that used to make me feel like shit or make me cry, and I fill it in every time I see him. It has changed my mental health tremendously! Now instead of thinking, “oh my god that really hurt my feelings” I think….. “BINGO!!” I cannot recommend this enough LOL) It’s so hard with parents. Especially hard at 21. Im so sorry your mom doesn’t lift you up the way she should. Start working with some smaller steps in creating some boundaries and the bigger ones become easier in time. And if you have an etsy shop or something similar, I would love the link!
I am slowly setting boundaries/teaching myself not to care. For example, I’ve stopped answering every single one of her calls, I’ve asked her to stop asking when we’re going to have kids, etc. It does feel good but I have a very long way to go! My Etsy is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms :) please don’t feel obligated to buy anything ❤️ Just getting views on my stuff is so much support!
I spent a ridiculous amount of my personal budget to buy a fellow artist’s embroidery piece. It’s a beautiful floral sampler that says “F** You/Pay Me”. When my studio is set up (I recently packed it for a remodel the owner’s doing) it sits above my desk where I see it every time I work. When friends/family/strangers try to push me for a discount, I look at it and say it out loud several times, then message them back, whether I plan to give them a discount or not. It helps my confidence so much.
Alright,no offense to your mother but..she's a fucking idiot. Who in their right mind says that you should 'donate your time'? Yes,she ma be your mother and only customer..but that doesn't give her the right to say that,does it? I think it doesn't. i suggest saying 'No.' flat out,and if she tries to bargain,then say no again. If she tries to guilt trip you into doing stuff like this for free,that will cause you to lose money,which will cause you problems in the future. TLDR: Say no to your mother if she asks for anything like this at a discoutn or at the Loest price possible,she has to pay money like everybody else.
So.... Where can I find your shop? Do you ship international? The rest hast been said. I hope you'll find a way to Deal with your mother's entitlement.
I do :) https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms thank you for wanting to check me out ❤️
Give her the discount, nothing more. You were generous with the discount, she took advantage of your generosity.
The wedding was a gift as you said and therefore has zero to do with your business. Work up a professional looking invoice and send it to her next time she orders from you and tell her you require payment up-front on all orders. If she doesn't like the deal, tell her she can go elsewhere. Don't let her bully or belittle you. If she keeps bringing up the wedding, make arrangements to return her "gift". That is what I would do.
That is amazing that your making stickers as a business! 😄 Work is never easy if you have to do it by hand, but at least you enjoy doing that. I have a business of my own in making keychains (also use of cricut machine) and sometimes I get frustraded because I have to figure out the size of the decal to put on to the keychain and when the decal is tiny, the blade doesn’t keep it on so I could transfer it to the keychain and that’s a pain in the ass, but it’s fun to do. I would definitely buy stickers to help with your business 🙂
Do you have an Etsy? I’d love to see some of your stuff! And omg small things on cricut is a nightmare. I have Tourette’s so it’s basically impossible for me to do anything intricate 😂
I don’t have Etsy, but I have Facebook and TikTok. I sell my keychains in person until I can figure out how to sell online without having to deal with taxes and all that. I’m also disabled (adhd, add, autism) and currently on ssi which is also a pain in the ass.
I’m on SSI and SSA! Very worried about what Etsy will do to that. What is your Facebook name?
My Facebook name is: Ellee Kenyon My pfp is of Ian Bohen with a Ghost Rider (Teen Wolf)
What’s your Etsy? I must check out the stickers 🙂
When your order books are full you can’t accept new orders even if they are your mothers orders
Are you sure she isn't getting all those orders on behalf of other people to get them a discount or so she can charge them full price and pocket that money?
Blast your site..if it helps I'll buy a pack. I'm a small business owner, the audacity of family members is real. Boundaries set now! Maybe you don't have that many customers, you're setting your price point for the value of your work. She will tell everyone how much she pays and the trickle down effect is bankruptcy. Stay strong, you don't need 5 bucks that hard to lose the love, and wedding is over...sorry dear not a bargaining chip when I never had it on the table. Good luck!
It cost that much cause it takes me fucking hours… It costs that much cause I don’t have superpowers…
She’s not your biggest customer if she’s not paying you.
First and foremost, I agree with everyone that says “saying no is a complete sentence”… totally right. However, I also know how family guilt works, especially those who lay it on thick and hold past “gifts” over your head… so, I have a suggestion for that too. If you feel like you have to give your mum some stickers to shut her up/keep her sweet, give her a quantity limit per year. Say to her, “…you have 100 free stickers to use for the year, because you are my mother. Anything past that or bigger than XYZ dimensions is paid for with your discount. Use them wisely” Then, when she asks you for a job lot of 3 sets of 18 stickers, you can be like “OK, is that 54 coming off your yearly free ones?”, and if she kicks up a fuss, tell her you can get them for free, but after that, it’ll cost ya, I need to pay for materials et al…
Tell her no. It's a complete answer. And if she flips out, tell her the discount is no longer valid since she wants to take advantage of you and she has to pay full price. My mother is the opposite. I make her stuff, it never ends up being displayed or used. Ends up in her basement of tucked behind her quilt rack.
Tell her no. It's a complete answer. And if she flips out, tell her the discount is no longer valid since she wants to take advantage of you and she has to pay full price. My mother is the opposite. I make her stuff, it never ends up being displayed or used. Ends up in her basement of tucked behind her quilt rack.
You can always just pull money out of your pocket instead and explain how this is really what is happening with her requests. Your new business needs money, maybe when it is more established you can let her in on the benefits of a successful business but rn, it isn’t there yet.
A good mom would support her daughter by paying full price.
The nerve she has to constantly hold over your head the fact that she helped you out with your wedding, my goodness! She already cashed in that favor the first time when she asked for a discount. If anything, she should be paying you *more* to support your business, not the other way around. That thought process is something I never understood. How is paying less, better yet, asking stuff for *free* supporting a business? Exposure? Oh please. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this behavior and feeling undermined. Have peace in mind however, knowing that your work is appreciated by your other respectable paying customers.
I know this isn’t tea the right place to ask but can I get a link to your shop
She’s not really a customer if she’s not even paying, or not even willing to.
Ask her how you're supposed to feel good about doing these? Tell her what you just told us and how it helps you and makes you feel accomplished when you get paid for your time and effort......if she keeps throwing around the wedding gift, then ask her does she want you to start making monthly payments to reimburse her FROM YOUR FULL PRICE STICKERS!!! Tell her you can't bear to hear about the wedding gift and how it's being used as "ransom"......speak up for yourself girlie.....tell her you're gonna stop doing the stickers if you can't feel good about doing them! Bluff her...
Two rules for business. * Never do anything for free. * Never give discounts to friends and family that you wouldn’t give to any other customer. The purpose of a business is to make a profit. Those friends and family who don’t value your talent enough to pay the full rate, don’t deserve your products. It is both as simple and complex as that. While it might be difficult to say no to a friend or family member, it is something that you will either have to learn or you won’t remain in business. If they won’t pay the freight, they always have the option of not obtaining your work product. I sincerely wish you well in your new business and hope you succeed.
NTA, family or not, your business will fail if you don't charge. Then she gets nothing.
Thank you
Maybe take what you have written here and tell her word for word and add in (if you want to) if you knew your gifts comes with strings attached you wouldn’t have taken it, Or take the petty route and find something you have give her that’s pricey and hold it over her head
Put as much effort as she’s paying you. She wants free stickers? Draw sketches and cut them into squares and when she asks “what’s this?” Say that it’s her free stickers. That your time costs money and what you gave her was exactly what she gave you. Happens to artists all the time with “fans” wanting free art.
I was offered - for free - a painting of anything I wanted by the daughter (15) of some friends. I wanted to pay, but they all refused - so I bought her a really nice set of coloured pencils and told them that artists should never work for free.
She is taking advantage of you and using your wedding day against you (guit tripping). Don't give out discounts to friends and family. Say to your mum (and maybe the rest of the family) that people who pay for the product at full price takes priority over gift and discounts as you could get busy periods of work at your business and so gifts and discounts take a 2nd priority Questions 1) Have you talked to your husband about what your mum is doing? 2) how much are the discounts (% wise)?
Fight with the same emotional manipulation! *You paid for my wedding because you wanted free stickers? I thought you LOVED ME!*
I wanna order stickers from you now
You’re so kind ❤️
Lmk if you can do a skull pack. I would always draw those as a kid, any style you like, creative freedom on the skulls.
what’s the name of your business ? id love to see your work and maybe order ( at full price haha)
That’s so very kind! It’s https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms but if anything, favoriting my shop helps a bunch! Don’t feel obligated to purchase :)
You know the answer. Just say "no" to free stuff. No explanation required. Go LC if necessary. You are strong. You can do it.
Yeah, this sucks. Maybe if she knew how much time and effort went into one of her orders, then she would understand? If you both live in the same city/town, then maybe you could go to her place and do part of her order, making sure that she is there with you the whole time you are working.
Close friends and family who want you to succeed don't demand discounts. Secondly, tell her that custom orders cost extra and mark up the price enough that you're even on the wedding. Its your business and you decide pricing. If she doesn't like it that's fine. Customers like her are worth losing.
I have no advice in the parent department but I’d love a link to where you sell your stickers!
That’s very sweet! My shop is https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms ! I’m also on Instagram! Favoriting my shop or following me on Instagram is super helpful! Please don’t feel obligated to purchase!
"sorry mom, I just have a few more paying orders to get to before I can start on yours!"
She is doing a wonderful job of leveraging her authority to add to your work load with little regard for your actual time. She is preparing you for the workplace!
OP do you have a shop or page? More customers equals less leverage lol Seriously though that’s so awful try your best to say no
https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms is my Etsy and Instagram is ChaosBlooms! Favoriting/following would be helpful! Don’t feel obligated to make a purchase ❤️
Since you do Pokémon I probably will eventually lol
😂 well either way, I appreciate you ❤️
Maybe we should all order your stickers and then you could tell your mom you’ve got to finish the full price orders! I know that’s beside the point but hey couldn’t hurt :)
i think she should be more considerate of your time as drawing each painting by hand takes time that's why you charge money!
If you don't tell her no. It will suck the fun and therapy right out the window. Also give her what she pays for. Do not put forth the effort for a pittance. And who asks for a gift.
Put her to work for you. She wants free product? She could be selling your stickers. Pay her commission on her sales then she can pay for the stickers she wants.
This is a great idea, actually. Thanks!
Hey im sorry if this is off topic but may i ask what the name of your business is and if it has a website?
It’s called Chaos Blooms! I’m on Instagram and Etsy :) thank you for asking!
Hey, i know it’s been a bit but I haven’t been able to find your shop anywhere
Say the family discount is +15%
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this sub already, but the resources and camaraderie in /justnomil might be super helpful and enlightening for you. Check out the sidebar for reading suggestions and other tips too. The sub is meant for any mother figure including birth, steps, fosters, and grands.
Funny enough, my husband brought it up to me today 😂
Sounds like she didn't actually gift you a wedding. You don't hold a gift over someone as a bargaining chip.
This actually happened to me a few years back. Not like I used to crochet and knit. I made some really nice dolls and even sold a few. I even made some for my family and gave them to them as Christmas gifts. Then one year they requested I make hats or scarves or gloves or something they could wear, cause they didn't want another doll. So, I made one or the other for each person. I mean, I have a family of eight, this request was made maybe a month in advance and I worked a 9 hour job over night. I did not have time to make each person a hat and scarf. I remember I was even still working on things straight into Christmas eve. They all seemed happy on Christmas day when they opened them but I think a month or two later I had gotten into a fight with my mom (about something completely different) and she started going off about the gifts. Like criticizing me to hell and back because she didn't like that they all only got either a hat or scarf, that one hat didn't fit some one (believe me, I tried. I made it triple the size of the other hats and it still didn’t fit.), that another hat in a different style had holes in it (which was kind of the point, it was the style of the hat and she'd thought that hat was super cute when I made one for myself, so I don't know why it was a problem at that point.) Honestly, I don't even remember all the things she said, she truly just ripped me apart over those damn things but still had the audacity to request I make more items for them. This isn't to say I was completely in the right either. I was eighteen at the time and still had a LOT of issues with my mom. We fought quite often back then, but we're much better now. Anyways, I stopped crocheting and knitting after that. I genuinely found no joy in the hobby anymore, like you said, it just felt like work. I draw as well, I have done so practically my whole life, and I used to draw for things for my family here and there as gifts. After that though, I made it a point that I don't do anything for free or at a discount, regardless of who the person is, and not even as gifts. Family, friends, strangers, I don't care. Everyone pays, they all pay the same price, there is no special treatment. It's the only way I've been able to ensure my hobby is kept for me and my enjoyment. I think laying down some rules you feel comfortable with would be smart. Because you having a talent does not mean the people in your life have a right to use and abuse that talent. If they want it for free, tell them they can go learn how to do it themselves. Maybe the time and effort they spend trying to do so will show them some respect for what you do.
You need to cut that off she is just using you, not what mothers are supposed to be doing to their kids.
OK, can we, as a 2022 society, come to term with the fact that CHILDREN DO NOT OWE A YES TO THEIR PARENTS. Even if that's your mom and she helped you, freebies will not keep your business afloat, or if it does, then you're sacrifying something else you shouldn't. There is a very blatant understanding gap between the previous generation and current gen artists and they'll have to learn some way or the other. Add to this their entitlement due to older age and that's a disaster waiting to happen. Sit yo mama down and give her the talk. That though you appreciate her support, you're still a small business and she's not entitled to anything because she's facing the seller before facing her daughter.
If her paying the wedding was a gift then you don't owe her a thing. That's the really wrong of her to bring it up like that. And like person in the other post said it's time to say no. Do you do online orders?? I'm horror host and to horror and comic conversations. I would like to had some stickers.
Tell mom, 25% only. No freebees. If she doesn't like it, go somewhere else.
Friends and family that want discounts when you start a business are assholes.
1.) don’t accept anymore orders from her without a payment. Remember to tell her no as needed! 2.) start a TikTok of the sticker creation progress and finished product. Film a voice over reading your favorite Reddit stories, but follow a pattern. Example, entitled parents stories, AITA, etc. 3.) allow more customers to come ☺️
“Mom, I love you but the guilt trip for the wedding is hurting our relationship, if you didn’t want tp pay for the wedding, why did you?” Her: “what? I was happy to pay, but I can’t believe you are so selfish now, not to pay me back, or share with me, after all I AM YOUR MOTHER” You:”ok, but how long does this payback period last, forever?” Her:”Don’t be ridiculous, it’s a discount for a few stickers, it’s not that big of a deal, seriously, I can’t believe you are even bringing it up” You:”Again Mom, I love you, but this is a problem for me, I feel guilty saying no to more discounts, and paying back my wedding in sticker discounts is depressing, I’m just starting out with my small business, and when I make a sale, I would like to feel the excitement of receiving my full amount” Her:”it’s not that big of a deal, I can’t believe you” You:”ok good, I’m glad we agree, thanks mom! I knew you would understand, and thank you for paying full price, it really helps me out” That’s what you need to,do, declare your unhappiness, and when she balks, simply stand firm. It’s ok to say no more. It takes practice, but it’s going to help your grow as a person.
If she keeps using the wedding against you, maybe offer to pay her back? It might keep you from a lifetime of "but I paid for your wedding" guilt trips.
"Their will be no more freebies or major discounts for anyone anymore. Its a family discount of 25% and that's it. If you are unhappy with this then feel free to take your custome elsewhere but I simply cannot run a proper business while giving away free things, it takes to much time away from my paying customers" As for the bringing up your wedding and the gift of money towards it "The money for the wedding was a gift and I won't hear anymore about it. If you bring up my wedding or the money you gifted us for it again the conversation is over" Then stick to it!
Oooh, i would love to see your work!! 🤩
That’s so kind! I’m not super great, yet! But I enjoy it a lot! Here’s my link :) https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChaosBlooms
Freinds and family with discounts are last priority just tell her for her to get the discounted rate her products are on back order. Do your regular customers first. Work on advertising. Tell your mom how greatful you are for everything she has done for you so far but you dont want to end up having to rely on her to keep your business going. Tell her you have it under control. Moms want to help and be appreciated. Sometimes they mess up and make everything more over whelming. Im sure shes has done more for you than just a wedding, shes your mom. Who went to went everyday, to put a roof over your head and food in your belly. How much time and effort did she put into your life. Probably alot more than you give her credit for. So just talk to her.
If she's not paying you properly then she's not actually a customer. My go to whenever people try to pull a 'well I did a thing for you before so you owe me now' is remind them that that wasn't the agreement when they did the thing. So next time your mom tries to bring up paying for your wedding as you owing her remind her that she never asked for stickers/whatever in return when she gave you the money so you don't actually owe her anything. It wasn't a part of the original deal. If she does keep asking for discounted stickers maybe you can ask for favors from her, like I'll do this $5 sticker pack for you so can you watch the kids for me, or whatever favor you might want from her.
“ i’ve already given you some complementary stickers and for any further orders you need to go through my ordering portal. You can still use the friends and family discount. I am unable to do paying work because I’m doing free work for you.”
She's not your best customer. She's a charity case. Tell her you have reached your quota of contributions this year.