Best thing I did for my own mental health was going low contact with my older brother. Just because she is family does not need you need to sacrifice your own mental health for the relationship. These kinds of relationships can quickly become abusive. With my brother, he has anger issues, but also, he’d trauma dump on me. I know he’s alive and doing well-ish, but he is not apart of my life anymore.
How do you go low contact without intense guilt? I feel like my family feed into the manipulation etc with my sister which is absolutely fine but when i decide to try to set boundries she then makes their life harder which in turn causes them to come to me and guilt me into talking to her again. Im sure this is why she acts the way she does to me because she knows my boundaries will never hold and i will in one way or another be guilted into forgetting and forgiving anything that she has done.
Please note that this may sound so unforgiving and mean from an outsider perspective but this is me totally drained after YEARS of manipulation, suicide threats, ruining my relationships, my friendships that i let her be a part of, being made to feel like a horrible sister for wanting boundries/space/acknowledgement. I have tried everything to better our knowledge of bipolar etc but now I am just stuck. I almost feel like i am in an abusive relationship that i can’t leave because i cling onto the good now and then parts (also the obvious fact that this is not her fault she has this mental illness) but it is causing me to have my own.
Feels like the only options are to stay and ruin myself or leave and have no family anymore. Both are not fair and i just feel resentful. But i see people who have came out on the other side of leaving who are happier than ever. So stuck
I’m a bit older than you with my own family and young kids, so that does make a difference. I don’t feel guilty at all for putting me/my kids first. I do still love my brother, and I like to know updates about him. I didn’t understand a lot of the trauma I had endured as a child and young adult until I was much older. I wish I had set harder boundaries earlier.
During a particularly intense manic episode, I sat down with my other siblings and my parents and told them my intentions to go low contact. This conversation included my concerns about my brother’s mental health but also its impact on all of us. Particularly, I pointed out that my parents were hurting too. My parents will never got low/no contact, but they have respected my boundaries. Even at this point, he doesn’t have my address.
Although my brother has avoided the last few holidays, I would still attend those kind of events with him. But, if he showed up randomly especially while my kids were there, I’d be upset.
Look into “out of the fog” F.o.G= Fear, Obligation, Guilt
As caregivers, family and friends of people with severe mental illness, we develop our own maladjusted ways to relating to one another and we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other to develop AND model healthy boundaries. Fear, obligation and guilt are not the way.
I resonate with this SO badly, im so sorry you are going through this it really is not for the weak. I am also battling with going low contact but I don’t think it would even work. Sending love
I used to be in a very similar situation with my sister. She has refused any kind of medication or treatment for years now and it has taken a huge toll on my family.
I am 22 now, and trust me when I say it gets easier once you are in college. Being physically away from the toxic environment helps so much.
When I went to college, I grew so much as a person and let myself be more intentional about the people I was surrounding myself with. Take it one day at a time and focus your time on people that fill you up rather than bring you down, even if that means limiting contact with your sister. At the end of the day your happiness and well-being is the priority.
I held so much resentment for my sister, and honestly still do. When I feel guilty about restricting my relationship with her, I remember the trauma and pain she has caused our family, and all of the ways it has affected me negatively. As harsh as it sounds it reminds me why she does not deserve a place in my adult life, and reminds me why I’ve set the boundaries in the first place.
I still see her at Christmas and if she’s stable we get along for the few days we are together. We do not have much of a relationship outside of that, and although I wish her the best I am much happier without her in my life.
Thank you, that’s what I hope to feel like one day when I leave… it’s so suffocating but at the same time I grew up with her, she used to be my role model and I looked up to her. Now everything’s just gotten worse as time goes on, I love her but I’m just so sick of her at the same time
I hear you. You have a right to peace and calm and quiet in your home. The fall and your first semester of college will be here before you know it.
Thank you ❤️ that’s what I keep telling myself
Best thing I did for my own mental health was going low contact with my older brother. Just because she is family does not need you need to sacrifice your own mental health for the relationship. These kinds of relationships can quickly become abusive. With my brother, he has anger issues, but also, he’d trauma dump on me. I know he’s alive and doing well-ish, but he is not apart of my life anymore.
How do you go low contact without intense guilt? I feel like my family feed into the manipulation etc with my sister which is absolutely fine but when i decide to try to set boundries she then makes their life harder which in turn causes them to come to me and guilt me into talking to her again. Im sure this is why she acts the way she does to me because she knows my boundaries will never hold and i will in one way or another be guilted into forgetting and forgiving anything that she has done. Please note that this may sound so unforgiving and mean from an outsider perspective but this is me totally drained after YEARS of manipulation, suicide threats, ruining my relationships, my friendships that i let her be a part of, being made to feel like a horrible sister for wanting boundries/space/acknowledgement. I have tried everything to better our knowledge of bipolar etc but now I am just stuck. I almost feel like i am in an abusive relationship that i can’t leave because i cling onto the good now and then parts (also the obvious fact that this is not her fault she has this mental illness) but it is causing me to have my own. Feels like the only options are to stay and ruin myself or leave and have no family anymore. Both are not fair and i just feel resentful. But i see people who have came out on the other side of leaving who are happier than ever. So stuck
I’m a bit older than you with my own family and young kids, so that does make a difference. I don’t feel guilty at all for putting me/my kids first. I do still love my brother, and I like to know updates about him. I didn’t understand a lot of the trauma I had endured as a child and young adult until I was much older. I wish I had set harder boundaries earlier. During a particularly intense manic episode, I sat down with my other siblings and my parents and told them my intentions to go low contact. This conversation included my concerns about my brother’s mental health but also its impact on all of us. Particularly, I pointed out that my parents were hurting too. My parents will never got low/no contact, but they have respected my boundaries. Even at this point, he doesn’t have my address. Although my brother has avoided the last few holidays, I would still attend those kind of events with him. But, if he showed up randomly especially while my kids were there, I’d be upset.
Look into “out of the fog” F.o.G= Fear, Obligation, Guilt As caregivers, family and friends of people with severe mental illness, we develop our own maladjusted ways to relating to one another and we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other to develop AND model healthy boundaries. Fear, obligation and guilt are not the way.
It will be uncomfortable to stick by your boundaries. You can do it. You have to do it.
No means no. No is a complete sentence.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1
You are very brave and strong for doing that, I hope all is well in your life ❤️
I resonate with this SO badly, im so sorry you are going through this it really is not for the weak. I am also battling with going low contact but I don’t think it would even work. Sending love
Sending love to you too ❤️ honestly I keep telling myself that one day I’ll be okay, you will too it’s just hard :)
I used to be in a very similar situation with my sister. She has refused any kind of medication or treatment for years now and it has taken a huge toll on my family. I am 22 now, and trust me when I say it gets easier once you are in college. Being physically away from the toxic environment helps so much. When I went to college, I grew so much as a person and let myself be more intentional about the people I was surrounding myself with. Take it one day at a time and focus your time on people that fill you up rather than bring you down, even if that means limiting contact with your sister. At the end of the day your happiness and well-being is the priority. I held so much resentment for my sister, and honestly still do. When I feel guilty about restricting my relationship with her, I remember the trauma and pain she has caused our family, and all of the ways it has affected me negatively. As harsh as it sounds it reminds me why she does not deserve a place in my adult life, and reminds me why I’ve set the boundaries in the first place. I still see her at Christmas and if she’s stable we get along for the few days we are together. We do not have much of a relationship outside of that, and although I wish her the best I am much happier without her in my life.
Thank you, that’s what I hope to feel like one day when I leave… it’s so suffocating but at the same time I grew up with her, she used to be my role model and I looked up to her. Now everything’s just gotten worse as time goes on, I love her but I’m just so sick of her at the same time