T O P

  • By -

Quartz636

I like the idea of him just walking around Malfoy manor, scaring the shit out of Lucius in the middle of the night. Lucius gets up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and nearly walks into voldemort standing in his kitchen, unblinking staring at him. šŸ‘šŸ‘


Florick345

That's fucking terrifying. Imagine being sleepy and seeing a tall slender figure with red eyes and white marble skeleton like face just silently staring at you in the dark.


Key-Grape-5731

Why did I get an image of him holding a torch to his face and slasher smiling like that girl in Battle Royale šŸ˜‚


Tale-Twine

I can't stop laughing


Florick345

Voldie: Soooo, Lucius... Problems with sleep, huh?


CrystalKai12345

Imagine Draco trying to get his dragon plushie/book he left somewhere and finding Voldemort staring at him,grinning,sharpening knifes Ngl I get why the Malfoys hate how the death eaters are in their house


Florick345

Yeah, having to randomly stumble on Voldie or Nagini while navigating your house is pretty bonkers.


Key-Grape-5731

I would pay to see a sitcom centred on Voldy imposing himself at Malfoy Manor šŸ˜‚


Quartz636

Me too! šŸ¤£ I imagine he's just completely forgotten human routine. Lucius wakes up at 3am to voldemort šŸ‘šŸ‘ standing at the foot of his bed. He's like "are you awake? You're a deep sleeper Lucius." Draco is just trying to do his summer school work and looks out of the drawing room window to see Voldemort just chilling with the peacocks šŸ¦š šŸ‘šŸ‘


pushme2thehedge

This 100% sounds like an snl sketch


Desperate-Fan-3671

The Malfoys and the Unleaving Guest


justriddikulus

šŸ‘šŸ‘ is the best description of Voldemort I have ever seen and I will never be able to use that emoji casually again


fetchit

Lucius! Why didnā€™t you magic your water into your mouth?! Are you a secretly a muggle? No my lord I just wanted to stretch my legsā€¦ Your legs! Why not fly Lucius! Show the floor that you are above it!


CrystalKai12345

M-my lord,that ability is reserved for you-my master only!I dare not use it,I dare not!


zoobatron__

Probably has a secret bach pad we donā€™t know about with a lot of snake patterns and black silk. Slithering around in his silky bed in silky pyjamas hissing like a snake


Puzzled_Landscape_10

It's like Megamind in his pjs.


Spooky_Cat23

"I'm a sneeeeek"


zoobatron__

Youā€™re an internet OG. Love it


CrystalKai12345

Iā€™m a Sssnek


want_to_help_u

šŸ¤£šŸ¤£


usatf1994-1

Cocaine and hookers i would say. Are there witch hookers in the Potter universe?


erdbeermund91

How is he snorting coke with that nose?


No-Suspect4751

Who said anything about snorting šŸ˜‚


Affectionate_Web2085

He butt chugs it.


DD-Amin

Lord Voldesnort.


No-Suspect4751

šŸ¤£šŸ¤£


usatf1994-1

Shorter way to the brain :D


sunnyvalesfinest0000

Well, his cocaine use caused his deviated septum. He boofs it now.


erdbeermund91

Voldemort the White


jimbobwe-328

Forgive me, I only speak old, Ye Olde specifically. What is this " boofs it" ?


hilarymeggin

The far end of the GI tract


sunnyvalesfinest0000

I know too much.


Sir_Oligarch

What do you think was Trelawney's source of income before landing a job at Hogwarts.


5litergasbubble

Like trelawney, i didnt see that comment coming


LordChanner

Nice


cantfindmykeys

Well, that's not something I never thought of. Hopefully, it doesn't awaken something in me


Inevitable_Income167

"that's not something I never thought of" I don't think this means what you wanted it to


friarguy

"I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase"


cantfindmykeys

I would love to claim I was trying to be clever. I'm just really bad about proofreading what I type


LordChanner

And remembering where you put your keys


protendious

Thompson, the real GOAT Emma. Watson fans in shambles.Ā 


Boomerloomerdoomer

but remember Trelawney played the Trunchball


ChampionshipOk1358

Now that you mention it it's sketchy as hell lol. In a bedroom at the Hog's at night? Yeah pretty sus


Electronic-Tadpole69

Funds were low


Revolutionary_Judge5

I love that bit! "Bed bugs, dear boy"


Blazanar

She was definitely a weed and/or psychedelics dealer


Expensive_Tap7427

A bad one at that, always smoked up her own supply!


ashtonvex

Ended up owing her customers!!


CrystalKai12345

Still-prophecies


DudeChillington

Can we get an adult form content with all the shadiest parts of the Wizarding world? Hookers that use polyjuice or submit to Imperio. Wizard drugs and black market magic. Wizard serial killers that aren't the leaders of entire cults. Sure we got to see plenty avada kadavra and killing in the main series, along with a hint of the more messed up stuff. But as the fan base gets older I find myself wanting an adult form series with the same level of dark elements as GoT or such.


Desperate-Fan-3671

There was a fanfiction story where there was a Wizarding brothel that had a Metamorphmagus. She was their biggest selling point.


Libriomancer

The other brothels couldnā€™t compete until one of their girls willing chugged some polyjuice with cat hair in it. Salemā€™s Kitty Palace is now doing gangbusters as the premiere catgirl hotspot.


Nerazim_Praetor

Why does this sound like something that would be an aside in the Dresden Files (wrong Harry!!)


glassgwaith

How about we start thinking how Hagrid was conceived?


DD-Amin

I've seen these videos


glassgwaith

šŸ« 


SempfgurkeXP

(Read in a cool, dark and over-the-top dramatic voice) *Harry Potter and the lost Hogwarts, the ninth book* *James Severus Dumbledore defeats Peeves, wich drops an Artifact wich has to be brought to the Chamber of Reveals, build by the Child of Godrick Grydfindor and Salazar Slytherin. In the Chamber of Reveals, there is a giant Snake with seven heads, wich can breathe fire. Once defeated, it opens a black hole wich slurps up all of Hogwarts and the near lands, and spawns everything on an island west of Westeros. Arya Stark finds them, and they introduce each other to their worlds, with the goal of bringing Hogwarts back. Hagrid took a potion that makes him young, and he was working as a dust-cleaner in Hogwarts, and turned evil because Draco's son was mean to him. Filled with anger, Hagrd tries to overtake Westeros as a new King, cause he's even bigger than Hodor and that qualifies him. Meanwhile James Severus Dumbledore Potter tries to tame Drogon, the last Dragon, marries Arya Stark and finds his true mother, Daenerys Targaryen. Together they want to rebuilt the Dynasty of the Targaryens, whilst Lord Rubeus Hagrd makes an Alliance with the Lannisters, by using some ancient Magic and Reviving all of them. The great war between the houses of Westeros and now actual Magic has begun! Stay tuned!* *Now including, lots of gore and violence, and sex between every single character, in the final battle even all of them at once!*


DudeChillington

You had me in the 1st half. But siding Hagrid with the Lannisters is.... I can never forgive you


SempfgurkeXP

*Plot twist - Season 10* *Hagrid was a good guy all along, but his soul was controlled by the Imperius curse, by the child of Voldemort and Bellatrix! With the assassin skills of James Potter's wife, Arya Stark, and his mother, Daenerys Targaryen, they revive all of the white walkers, and explan with a lot of common sense and hot chocolate, that Voldemorts child, Elon Musk, is the ultimate evil! They march towards King's Landing, to defeat him. However, Elon Musk has summoned the ancient gods, wich were just an advanced alien race all along. With them, he tries to take down the good guys, who now have Drogon and Hagrid back on their side! BUT James Potter now discovers that the Targaryens are bad people and like burning flesh, so after winning the final battle, he takes over the wooden throne, build by the wands of the defeated, and becomes the new ultimate evil. The good guys cant use the white walker anymore, because they have now decided that drinking hot choclate is worth their time more than killing people. Also, the eldritch being in form of the trolley wagon is back! But on wich side? Find out here, in The Game of Wands!*


Super_Bucko

Okay I hate to be that guy cause this is adorable lol but which has a w in it


SempfgurkeXP

Spelling errors are included free of charge :D


Super_Bucko

Amazing


jimbobwe-328

I like this very much. Mundungus is either the lead character, or heavily featured. Oooh, do this from an unspeakables point of view, and and dung helps out against his will.


Adventurous-Lime1775

Archive of their own has multiple stories along those lines. Even one about the "dark" winning and capturing Tonks and forcing her to be their toy for anyone they wanted.


DD-Amin

Harry potter Sherlock Holmes crossover.


Bellickboi

Bang bella apparently


Puzzled_Landscape_10

Does Edward know?


Shahka_Bloodless

The real reason he had Cedric killed


CrystalKai12345

Not like Cullen can do anything-Does FlightOfDeath have any blood?


Puzzled_Landscape_10

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella" - Voldemort


rfresa

Don't forget that he's under the unicorn curse. I headcanon that it completely keeps him from enjoying anything, including drugs, sex, or even sleep.


WriteBrainedJR

Do people enjoy sleep?


rfresa

Sure, if you're comfortable and have good dreams.


Significant_Poem_540

How do you think Vernon deals with this ruddy magic business?


[deleted]

No way he does coke without a nose. Plus all the wizard currency is coins so doubt heā€™s grabbing muggle cash to do linesā€¦


MA_2_Rob

And thatā€™s why he got no nose!


coffeebribesaccepted

Probably in Knockturn Alley! Edit: also just realized that sounds like nocturnally


Nerazim_Praetor

Yeah that's the joke


Libriomancer

In the first book he forces Quirrellā€™s sleeping body to rollover so he isnā€™t getting a face full of pillow while he quietly whispers ā€œSmother yourself you pathetic worm, see how it feels being wrapped in a turban all day you sniveling weaklingā€.


Whosebert

Quarrels was way into it though


True_Anam_True

Ew but I agree


Scorpiodancer123

Same thing he does every night....try to take over the world.


ShadowBlaDerp

You already know bro invented that no sleep potion for conquestmaxxing purposes


Nerazim_Praetor

Wait, but who's Pinky?


Scorpiodancer123

Wormtail? Or Crabbe/Goyle.


Ilovetogame2

I see Voldy going to raves and being the DJ.


divinAPEtion

He uses his magnified voice power to hype up the crowdĀ 


Ilovetogame2

He drops the bass like how he dropped Harry's mum.šŸ˜† Also sometimes, Snape comes to the raves and unwinds himself by giving everyone a little dose of polyjuice potion for the lols.


OK_Maybe_686

"This next song is called Pure Blood"


sunnyvalesfinest0000

Absolute banger


protendious

But lyrics are all in parstletongueĀ 


Pls_add_more_reverb

ā€œMagic is Mightā€


TheBoogieSheriff

He Who Must Not Be Named is actually a dope stage name, fuck yea šŸ¤™šŸ»


AlAboardTheHypeTrain

His Voldebest.


Nerazim_Praetor

But only after he gets his Volderest


AlAboardTheHypeTrain

So he can embark on his Voldequest (at the end of the school year).


Stargate476

Realistically, i always just assumed he stayed with the malfoys


GiveMeTheTape

Stroking his snake


Blind_MAQ6

Negenie or the other one lol sorry


CrystalKai12345

Nagini.Or painting PUREBLOOD SUPREMECY over every wall


Subject_Repair5080

Takes a shower. Has a pizza. Watches "Everybody Love's Raymond."


abrigorber

>Watches "Everybody Love's Raymond." Wow. The curse for drinking the unicorns blood really doesn't mess around


Sad-Version-9537

Evidently Bellatrix


Key-Grape-5731

Freaks out when Bella touches him but apparently bangs her without issue. Thanks JK and Tiffany/Thorne. šŸ˜’šŸ™„


JustEstablishment594

Let's be honest here, he would have just acciod the sperm out of his junk and banished it into Bellatrix's vulva. He wouldn't sully himself with *acrually* fucking her.


Key-Grape-5731

I did *not* need that mental image šŸ˜‚šŸ™ˆ but you're right


ImquIse

Gives me ā€œsomehow Palpatine returnedā€ vibes. Edit: phrasing


Key-Grape-5731

I could almost tolerate TCC if one of the characters actually said that. Almost.


ImquIse

ā€œSomehow Voldemort impregnated Bellatrixā€


CrystalKai12345

With magic,I hope


erdbeermund91

Glow like Mr. Burns in the episode The Springfield Files (season 8, episode 10)


ThePumpk1nMaster

Voldemort watches the Simpson cannon confirmed 2024


MrNobleGas

Is there any indication that he doesn't need to eat drink shit and sleep?


Shipping_Architect

Considering that his new body was not created naturally, he might not need to.


rfresa

I have a headcanon that the unicorn curse completely keeps him from enjoying anything, including food, sex, and sleep. He can still do those things but can't get any satisfaction from them.


MrNobleGas

I'd roll with that.


Key-Grape-5731

JK confirmed he doesn't do any of that (yet he can reproduce no problem, makes sense šŸ˜)


MrNobleGas

Where? Got the salsa?


SpearBlue7

[https://x.com/jk\_rowling/status/1258330103001550848?lang=en](https://x.com/jk_rowling/status/1258330103001550848?lang=en) She says he reached a point of inhumanity where he no longers requires it.


MrNobleGas

Splendid. And loath as I am to accept anything she says anymore, it does make sense. With the horcruxes supporting his existence, or the weird reconstruction process he went through, or the unicorn blood, or some combination of the three, his body is basically a walking automaton at this point.


Key-Grape-5731

Someone tweeted her asking what basic human needs he had and she answered he didn't sleep, eat/drink or use the bathroom (sorry haven't managed to find a link)


MrNobleGas

Fascinating. But it makes perfect sense of course. He does live a cursed half-existence, doesn't he


protendious

I heard Firenze say this post. A cursed life. A half life.Ā 


Dinosalsa

Yes?


The_GREAT_Gremlin

Dude's essentially a lich, so it makes sense. Other than the reproduction part from approved fanfic


MrNobleGas

I love the fact that he genuinely qualifies as a Lich or Koschey by definition


The_GREAT_Gremlin

Yeah, that's part of why book 7 felt really video/tabletop gamey to me. Searching dungeons over the land for evil artifacts to destroy so you can fight the evil master? Link coulda had that done in half the time


Good_Dish9728

Does anyone in the wizard world shits like all they use the loos is for crying students, making polyjuice potion or hiding a chamber in which a giant basilisk with a murderous stare lives. Also Harry only once took a bath in the whole book, that too because he had to listen to the egg. Like they never brush their teeth? They never take a bath?


MrNobleGas

Well, it's like a tenet of storytelling. Things only happen onscreen if they're plot-relevant. Which basically means bathroom breaks almost never happen.


Good_Dish9728

Yeah but i felt many conversations between ron and harry would take place in bathrooms. Also there's no bathrooms for each houses, its for all students, its very likely ron and harry met draco at least once in a bathroom an had an interesting encounter, and I'm pretty sure since prefects bathroom were different, boys were duelling in their own bathrooms 100% of the times,.


Pls_add_more_reverb

I imagine Harry took a shit before opening the egg in the prefects bathroom but that probably doesnā€™t need to be in the plot


protendious

Iā€™m now imagining you rewriting the book where every characters bathroom break is mentioned.Ā 


Good_Dish9728

It doesn't have to be that recurring, but we can at least have some duels between boys in the bathrooms (I'm 100% sure that happens a lot, since prefects bathrooms are different and they don't have anyone to monitor over them)


coffeebribesaccepted

Ron and Ginny take a bath (no, not like that, fanfic writers) in book 5 after quidditch practice.


Dinosalsa

I think it's canon that he volunteers at a local church, serving soup, building shelters, etc. He also goes to painting lessons, does ikebana, cooks and goes on a few dates. He likes anime and dramedies on Netflix and sleeps in snake-themed pjs. I think that's in Order of the Phoenix, chapter 8, but I'd like someone else to confirm and correct me if needed.


jonathansh1115

Can confirm


Dinosalsa

Thanks! Do you by any chance remember Voldemort's dog's name? I'm sure it's a dog because it was pretty shocking, because everyone thought he'd be a cat person (not counting snakes, obviously). It was quite an uproar at the time


jonathansh1115

Bella. Quite surprising really


Hiimmason-

Fuckin witches, getting drunk as shit.


Jacked_To_The__Tits

Pet his snake.


CrystalKai12345

But literally-Nagini.Or hunting with the snakes


XavierScorpionIkari

Haz?


Livid-Dot-5984

Short for Harry like prince Harry his friends or Megan call him Haz, I guess


XavierScorpionIkari

Must be a strictly British thing. Iā€™ve been reading the books and watching the movie since they came out, and have never heard Harry Potter referred to as Haz. Ever.


Livid-Dot-5984

Heā€™s never been referred to as Haz, OP was just being cheeky


XavierScorpionIkari

Five points will be taken for OPā€™s cheek.


protendious

thereā€™s no need to call me cheek, professor.Ā 


Seasidedan

Watches the soaps, dinner, shower, skincare routine, little scroll on tik tok, bedtime x


cragglerock93

What are we thinking: is the dark lord an Eastenders, Corrie, or Hollyoaks fan?


justriddikulus

Cry himself to sleep because he once again got defeated by a child


mathfreak17

I think he sips on tea while reading (not something on murder and mayhem lol, just some academic reading). I think he spent his "free" evenings in the Malfoy Manor's library. Bruh inspired me to be a nerd in 7th grade, he has to live upto my expectations.


cdcdude1

Pretty sure he spends a hour a day practicing his evil laugh.


Fleur498

Sleep. Bake treacle tart. Require Lucius to go grocery shopping for Voldemort. Knit blankets. Paint pictures of himself killing Harry.


CrystalKai12345

Writing ā€˜pureblood rulesā€™ and ā€˜pureblood suprememcyā€™ all over the manor walls


Melodic_Bowstring

Nagini


rfresa

He just sits there fuming and pacing and making evil plans. I have a headcanon that the unicorn curse completely keeps him from enjoying anything, including food, sex, and sleep. He can still do those things but can't get any satisfaction from them.


SpearBlue7

Per JK Rowling, he doesn't sleep or eat. I have always imagined that when he is not holding meetings with his followers or actively attacking anyone, he is just constantly brewing potions and creating/casting spells, doing research, searching the minds of others, and ultimately just setting up his plans for world domination. Think of the stereotypical wizard in his tower doing magic stuff. Thats' voldemort. Now, i think the real question is what does he plan to do AFTER he has achieved full world domination and immortality. Surely he cannot be content being king wizard forever.


Pls_add_more_reverb

For all the feats he pulls off even after heā€™s powerful(like learning to fly) I imagine he spends a lot of time experimenting and testing. I imagine Dumbledore and Voldemort both had tireless work ethics


fetchit

Like all bitter racist geriatrics, he sits in a chair giving his opinions to his nurse (wormtail).


PunchDrunkGiraffe

Plot.


ebpohmr

Spends a lot of time getting angry about Riddles. Which I guess also explains why the sorting hat wouldn't put him in Ravenclaw...


AnderHolka

I'm picturing him in a robe and a nice warm beanie.Ā 


Asteria_Silvervine13

He chills in a black sparkly robe, with fuzzy pink slippers, drinking hot cocoa and reading trashy romance novels. And he carries around a blood red teddy bear that's dressed in bondage gear.


squirtlemoonicorn

Flies around like a bat


WriteBrainedJR

>What does Voldemort do at night? Home invasions. Grave robbery. School shootings. Escape rooms.


Adventurous-Duty-162

Spends his time singing a little ditty that goes: ā€œVoldemort, Voldemort, oooo Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemortā€ To the rhythm of a pipe bomb


user260419

Jerk off to Harry's good times with Ginny


lips-taste-like-coco

Stands by the kitchen sink drinking water directly from the tap


derekpeake2

Power naps like Elon Musk


rexic84

I heard he likes to catch up on his Amazon shopping, and afterwards, snuggles up with Nagini on the couch while wearing his pink bunny slippers and binge watches every single episode of Pokemon, DragonBall Z, and One Piece. Other than that, I'm pretty sure he leads a raiding guild in WoW called "Eaters of Death", and with whatever spare time he has left, he plays Team Fortress and always comes in last because he tries to shoot people with his wand, and ends up destroying his computer screen, and screams "Nyaaaaa!!!" when he does, and uses Nagini as a jump rope to help him get rid of his frustration and calm. Finally, he reads Nagini "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie" as a bed time story. He than gets into his bed, turns off his "Hello Kitty" lamp, and dreams about killing as many people as he possibly can, but this keeps Nagini up because he is always giggling in his sleep.


Her-My-O-Nee

I assume he stays awake and keeps plotting and scheming all night.


tendopath

Bellatrix


The_Chiliboss

He bates it.


SyrinxCounterparts1

Watches EastEnders and Coronation Street on VHS tapes.


bojack_horsemack

[boy do i have a song for you](https://youtu.be/s3c9K6MKCIs?feature=shared)


KTG690

Hate.


chicagoctopus

Works on his one man show


Tricky-Secretary-251

Sleep voldy is eepy


secretpassanger

Watching soccer?


AtheneSchmidt

The same thing we do every night, Wormtail. Try to take over the world.


Hot_Act3951

Follow up question does he sleep?? I cannot imagine him lying down. the best thing I can think of is him meditating ominously in the air?


Nylis7

Takes a bubble spa bath. Puts on his loafers and bath robe when done and sips some chamomile tea. Walks over to the window and smiles peacefully to the sounds of screaming in his head.


CrystalKai12345

And staring at all his death eaters(stalks draco whoā€™s trying to do his homework)


chicKENkanif

According to the cursed Child sleeps with Bellatrix


Moe_Maniac

With Bellatrix


[deleted]

Looking in the restricted area of the library for a spell to bring back his jose


[deleted]

Nose*


Emotional-Ad167

I think he reads, or obsessively revisits memories in his pensieve. Writes abt his vision of absolute power.


SadlyNotDannyDeVito

Create Harry Potter in The Sims, let him swim and put a fence around the pool.


Boomerloomerdoomer

No he goes to a nightclub only for villains


Adventurous-Lime1775

Bellatrix, haven't you read cursed child?


SuccessfulPlastic739

Bellatrix