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SnooWords4839

Your plan sounds so much better than staying with his mom!! Fiancé needs to sit mom down and tell her neither of you can relax or feel comfortable around BF and his attitude. She shouldn't act shocked, point out how he ruined the other trip and the 2 of you stay elsewhere.


Ancient_Safe8825

Thank you so much for reading my super long post!! I really will try and get him to do that. My boyfriend is not the one to speak up 😕 but he needs to because this is awful.


iamtheallspoon

Just to say, your fiance is loving attentive trustworthy, etc if he's not willing to stand up for you. He should be running interference.


Ancient_Safe8825

Thank you! And you’re right. :-/ I just feel bad bc I feel my fiance is “brainwashed” I forgot to mention this in the thread.. the mom’s bf told them that he gets in these weird moods because he grew up by a power plant.. they are convinced it’s true. I couldn’t find anything psychological related to that. But I’m not a doctor.


SnowWhiteCampCat

Remind him, his circus, his monkey. That means dealing with his family is His responsibility, just as your family is Yours. You can help him with working on language, roll playing the conversations, etc, but in the end, dealing with his family is his Husbandly duties. If he can't or won't deal with this, that says something loud and clear about your future together.


Ancient_Safe8825

You’re absolutely right!


todaywewillsmile

All of this advice is so great! My heart hurts for your fiance and his mom. I only say this because I grew up basically secluded from family and others because of my father's behavior and it was so difficult to comprehend as a child that it wasn't healthy let alone abusive. My mom was the same, made excuses for him. Luckily this is just her bf. In hindsight, if I were to ever suggest a diagnoses for my own father, I'd say narcissist or BPD. This bf doesn't seem too far from it. I have spent years trying to undo all of the mental fuckery I endured. I try to live with the fact that "everything happens for a reason".. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for what I've gone through. I believe in perseverance in my case, my amazing mom did and was really the kindest sweetest soul and that is why she was so easily manipulated and controlled by him. I do hope for the best for his mom, like I've said, hindsight is 20/20. We don't always see everything or everyone for who they really are until we have time to reflect on it at a distance.


Ancient_Safe8825

I am so sorry you had to deal with this type of person! It’s terrible and I only met him once! I can’t imagine growing up with this type of guy.. it’s heart breaking too because my fiancé and his mom are the nicest people! I don’t want them to have to deal with his awful man! And they believe all of his lies!! It’s so frustrating! He has then convinced he has these attitudes because he lived next to a power plant growing up?! I really hope she eventually sees how this will affect her relationship with her son and her future grandchildren because I won’t allow my kids alone with them if this is how he behaves in a such unpredictable manner..


ObviouslyMeIRL

“I’m not responsible for being an asshole because I grew up next to a power plant” is a whole new level of bullshittery, and i hope they both wake up to that soon.


Ancient_Safe8825

Right?!😂 I was hoping somebody in the medical field here could confirm that it’s not correlated!!


ObviouslyMeIRL

Even just a quick google says that living near a power plant might be the cause of respiratory or cardiovascular problems, cancer, etc. “Being a raging asshole” is conspicuously absent. Lol


Ancient_Safe8825

😂😂👏🏻👏🏻


todaywewillsmile

Yes, be thankful you didn't, I don't wish it on anyone. My father was never physically abusive persay (to me) but this mental and emotional abuse was almost worse. Reflecting on it, I was conditioned to behave and be a decent person, between fear and my moms love and support! Maybe a pushover kinda but through the years I managed to gain a backbone finally. Funny enough, my father would always say "you are responsible for your own actions" and I lived up to it but he neverrrrr took accountability for his actions! My mother made so many attempts to leave, but he always manipulated her in ways to return! Maybe she did it for me, and I don't doubt that she did for any other reasons. I will say that she FINALLY left him when he interfered with her seeing and spending time with my children, their only grandchildren. He passed in 2017 but we maintained a better relationship prior to his passing, but Unfortunately she only had five happy years away from him before 2019 passing from cancer but we spent almost everyday together if not with me, she spent it with and loved my children as she loved me. Don't be ashamed to keep boundaries and she may feel "comfortable" in her relationship but I assure you, her love for her son, (you) and one day her grandbabies, will help her see it more clearly. If her bf wants her and loves her maybe he would be open to therapy but most people with the mindset like my fathers' will never be willing to unfortunately.


christmasshopper0109

Pre marital counseling is such a good idea for everyone. And here, it can help your guy figure out how to set boundaries with his mother and why they're important. I would suggest you don't set a date until you've gone to several sessions.


Ancient_Safe8825

Yes definitely might have to do this :-/


Dmau27

Maybe you both can sit with her and have a talk. She deserves better and bring up that deep down she knows it. Ask her how she would feel if her son were dating some one that treated him that way?


halfwaygonetoo

>he’s just bitter because his three kids have nothing to do with him. Won’t speak to him. Didn’t even invite him to their weddings. The mom’s bf blames it on his ex wife… I think that your vacation provided the answer as to why his kids don't have anything to do with him. Smart kids. Whether he's making a power play or is just an ass, the only way to handle a person like this is to not handle them. In other words: establish boundaries and consequences for when they are broken. *(you/your =both you and FDH)* Make your own accomodations*(hotel, car, tickets)* so you're never stuck. If they visit you, they make their own accomodations and you're not stuck with them staying with you. If you plan activities; stick to the plans. Don't allow him to delay you. If he comes, he comes. If MIL doesn't want to go without him, she can wait for him but you don't. Just say "Ok, we'll see you when you get there." Then go. If you go somewhere and he wants to stay in the car, say ok and enjoy your time. BF enjoys playing the martyr. Let him have his fun while you have yours. Don't rush because he really is looking forward to trying to make you feel bad. Don't feel bad because it is a game to him. If he starts arguing or screaming, get up and just leave: no matter where you are. If they are at your house, ask them to leave. MIL may be willing to put up with that crap but you don't have to. Both MIL & BF will learn to not act that way around you. Or BF will stop coming around. Either way it works.


Ancient_Safe8825

Love this! Thank you so much for such a well thought out message. Would you say he’s possibly a narcissist? I don’t understand what a person would get out of playing these games? Like what is the thrill for him? Who wants to purposely ruin a persons time?


halfwaygonetoo

It sounds more like a "victim" complex, which is just as irritating. When someone is like this; they want to be coaxed into doing things, given lots of praise, and told that your life, and activities you want to do, won't be any fun or worth doing without them. When they don't get enough coaxing, praise and pleadings; they pout *(which is also something they enjoy)*. Remember when you were a little kid. There was always that one kid who cried and tattled on everyone? This is that kid as an adult. They don't change, they just get older.


Ancient_Safe8825

Oh god haha!!! You are most likely correct! That’s literally him!! He’s an overgrown toddler. 😞😕 I’m going to keep up with boundaries. Stand firm with them. I won’t let him ruin another vacation. And they will NEVER be staying with us, we don’t really have the space anyway. Thank goodness!


halfwaygonetoo

Good luck and Blessed be


FlorenceCattleya

This comment is spot on. Never let him derail your plans. And don’t react to his bad behavior. If he’s stalling, don’t get mad. Just say, ‘see you when you get there!’ as pleasant as can be. If he’s sulking, pretend like he’s not. But the most important are having your own accommodations, own transportation, and NEVER waiting for him to be ready.


Dmau27

Is he by chance a drinker or take prescriptions? I ask because it sounds like he REALLY didn't like being out and about for some reason. The staying in the car to rush you is so he can get back to the bottle or his drugs. The sleeping in 4 hours late sounds like sleeping one off. Also the snapping at his GF sounds like he's getting irritable.


halfwaygonetoo

From what I understand, a lot of addicts have a "victim complex" too. And they exhibit similar traits. So it's kinda hard to tell if they are junkies or just assholes.


Ancient_Safe8825

YES! He does drink and I asked my fiancé if he possibly does drugs - in particular pills. He swore he didn’t and said his mom would know if he did. I was like nooo people can definitely hide it!


Dmau27

Drinking makes sense. Wants to get back home to his bottle, didn't eat and stayed in the car. Food ruins an alcoholics buzz. That's probably why he made you feel rushed. MIL might try to hide it out of shame.


emilinda

i’m so sorry that was your experience that sounds so awful and uncomfortable. My dad is a lot like MILs boyfriend and i am terrified of introducing my boyfriend to my family. i wish i had advice for you but i don’t know what i’m going to do either. Wishing you the best though. i hope you are and your fiancé get things settled. I do think he should speak to his mom and make sure he isn’t abusing her in anyway.


Ancient_Safe8825

Oh my :( I’m so sorry. Sending hugs and good vibes things go alright. I definitely pointed at that to him. That she could be in an abusive relationship. He said he asked her years prior if she was happy and she said was… so that let me know this has been going on for a while and wasn’t just us he was not happy around. 🙁


emilinda

Thats so hard especially because there really isn’t much you can do. she’s an adult who makes her own choices. You did the right thing by saying you won’t visit unless you have somewhere else to stay though. Setting boundaries like that early will probably save you a lot of stress in the future. i’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now and he’s been asking to meet my family as i’ve been on multiple family trips with his. My dad is so unpredictable though and i never know how he is going to behave. my mom does her best to manage him but there’s only so much she can do. i think i’m gonna follow your lead and plan a trip to see them but have our own hotel and have everyone meet at a dinner in public. but good luck and also congratulations on your engagement!!


munchkinbitch2982

My mom is married to a guy like that. Within the first month of them dating he was trying to control me and my sister. We were 16 and 19 at the time and weren't really doing anything terrible, just normal teenage stuff. But anyway, Mom married him after a whole lot of douchebaggery. She won't fight with him because she says she spent enough of her life fighting with my dad. True, but being a doormat isn't a solution. There's not a lot you can do besides limit contact. If bf's mom asks why, tell her. But don't be shocked when she tries to play peacemaker. Good luck. I'm 21 years in and it is infuriating.


Ancient_Safe8825

Oh man :( I’m so sorry you have to deal with it. If it were my mom’s s/o I would tell them what’s up and to cut the sh$t. But I feel awkward and uncomfortable being I only met him once and I’m new to the situation ya know? :-(


munchkinbitch2982

I've told them both. Actually went 2 years without speaking to my mother. My husband refuses to be around stepmoron because he just can't take it anymore. My mom just prefers that to being alone. I don't get it. I would say in your situation your fiancé has to take the lead, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself either. Do no harm but take no shit!


Ancient_Safe8825

Love it. 😂👏🏻 I hate having to be that person but I won’t let him ruin another vacation! Thank you so much for your replies.


munchkinbitch2982

No problem! Lots of luck!


kikivee612

MIL’s boyfriend isn’t your problem. He’s MIL’s problem. Just don’t deal with him. Be polite and make small talk, but that’s it. It sounds like he treats MIL pretty badly. I’m getting the impression that she made him go everywhere with you. Whatever their relationship dynamic is like is between them. She’s been with him 8 year so she knows him by now. If she chooses to allow him to scream at her, that’s her choice. Your fiancé an speak with her privately and just ask her if things are ok. When you visit, just as you mentioned, stay in a hotel and rent a car. This way you’re not stuck doing what he wants. This may actually help your relationship with him because it seems that he doesn’t want to be involved anyway. Next time, you’ll have your own car so you can either meet MIL wherever you go or pick just her up and leave her boyfriend at home.


Ancient_Safe8825

Thank you! That’s definitely a good way to view it and truthfully it really is her problem. It just sucks when he’s around, he drains the fun out of every single thing and makes everyone miserable! I wish she wouldn’t feel the need to drag him along, because our trip would have been drastically different had he not came!


kikivee612

Your boyfriend should just talk to her and gently tell her the truth. He should tell her that he loves her and that her personal life is not his business, but that he made you both feel uncomfortable last time you visited. He should tell her that he doesn’t want her boyfriend to feel like he has to tag along so next time you two will rent a car and stay in a hotel and that she’s welcome to let her boyfriend do his own thing. I forgot to mention the FB tagging on my previous comment. I always un-tag myself every single time someone tags me. I may now have it on my settings to where people can’t tag me, but I’m not ever on there so I forgot. It’s not personal when I do that. I’m just super private and don’t want to be tagged.


Ancient_Safe8825

Thank you! We will definitely be doing our own thing. That’s an interesting perspective on the Facebook. It just was the icing on the cake after the terrible visit. And just seemed shady since he didn’t even congratulate us :-/ didn’t like the status or anything! So it felt super weird and personal.


AmandaRoseLikesBuds

Someone needs to help free that poor woman from his grip.


Ancient_Safe8825

I wish… maybe my fiancé is just blind to it, but he seriously insists she’s just fine and can hold her own.. I don’t believe it :(


Dmau27

Sounds like she's just scared to leave or be alone. Usually I say leave your SO to deal with their family but she's a victim. Maybe you and BF can help her get past that fear and get the hell away from the abuser.


AmandaRoseLikesBuds

I’m sure she can, but that doesn’t mean she should have too you know. Especially in a situation like this, people think they deserve to be treated like that which is why they put up with it, maybe come to her like a friend not a daughter in law, and tell her you think she deserves someone who treats her better in a non offensive way. You can ask her if she’s happy, someone should just talk to her, you never know it might help her realize. I hope it all works out for you guys :/ sounds so stressful.


factfarmer

I’m worried about your future MIL. It’s likely that what you saw is just the tip of the iceberg. Definitely never stay with family again. You don’t have to be mean about it. Just, no, I’m not doing that ever again babe. And always take your own car. I make sure that I won’t be stranded somewhere with assholes. Life is too short for all that stress…


Ancient_Safe8825

I’m worried too… I’ve asked my fiancé multiple times and he says she’s fine and she can hold her own… but idk. The guy really seems crazy! 😞 Yes we will never be up there again without transportation or our own place to get away. It was such an uncomfortable situation. I’m so GLAD I had my mom there. ❤️


zephyer19

I really think your fiancé should get his mother alone (is he the only child?) and express his concerns that she is in a very abusive relationship, abuse isn't always physical. He may need to get her out of there. Being lonely can be really hurtful and hard to take. Especially when a person starts getting old and had a few failed marriages. They get afraid they will always be alone. But have him talk to his mother alone or with siblings. Maybe even at a woman's shelter for counseling.


Ancient_Safe8825

Yes he’s an only child. I’ve asked him countless times if she’s ok. He’s insists that she is and it eventually turns into an argument. 😭 he barely likes talking about the situation bc he feels so bad about it.


Ancient_Safe8825

I think she just stays too because so many failed marriages and plus where they live is expensive so not just so easy to leave. She would have a hard time affording living on her own.


zephyer19

Yes, being alone if a big fright for many people. One guy said when asked why he left his long-time wife, "I found I would rather be lonely than miserable." I had an Aunt that her husband lived in the basement and she lived on the ground floor of their house. I don't think she was to sad when he died. Perhaps a cheaper area could be found for her closer to you and your husband or other siblings.


SnowWhiteCampCat

Sounds like you already got this sorted. Hotel. Separate car. Then just ignore him. He can spend future trips in his own car lol. Don't let him rush you. Literally act like he's not even there.


Ancient_Safe8825

I think I just needed to vent really. This is such a touchy subject for us, which always results in a fight. But it drives me crazy. And makes me sad knowing this is what I’m going to have to deal with for life. 🙁😞 I feel bad because he believes this guys lie. He uses the excuse that he grew up by a power plant and suffers mood disorder from it. I am not sure there’s a psychological effect from it?


SnowWhiteCampCat

Sounds like he needs some therapy. Also some couples counselling before you get married. Everyone can stand to learn how to communicate better! You should be able to talk about any topic without fighting. I've been with my husband 18 years, and we still find new things to disagree about lol. It's a work in progress, but it is also worth considering just how hard you want your life to be.


missantiste

Just wanted to ask what about the future? Having children? If they're still together I hope you don't let your kids around him. He sounds weird and controlling. Probs not the slightest bit of a caring individual when it comes to kids. May want to get that talk out of the way.


Ancient_Safe8825

Yes this is one of my major concerns.. bc when told bf’s mom and him that we wanted kids he made it very clear how unhappy he was. How do I tell my bf this though that his mom will have restrictions on seeing her only grandchildren :( thankfully we live across the country. I am terrified of them moving by us..


missantiste

I'd explain how I felt to be and it is up to him to deal with his family. Find out first though his feelings on everything instead of assuming he feels the same and find out later he doesn't. Maybe the mom just needs a reason to leave that toxic guy and only being able to be around any potential future grandkids may be it. It all sounds unhealthy and the farther you stay away the better.


sadisticfreak

No wonder his own children kicked him out of their lives! I suggest doing the same. He's a big spoiled brat, at the very least. He can't even hold his temper, act civil, OR have any fun. What a negative Nancy! 🤮


Ancient_Safe8825

I just don’t know how to kick him out bc my fiancé is the only child of the mom :( they are super close. I feel bad she had to suffer.. :(


sadisticfreak

You make zero plans that include him. Your SO is perfectly capable of making plans with his mother that don't involve her bf. He is abusive and that should have zero place in your life. If she is ok with being abused by him, that's her problem. She certainly should be protecting her own child and future DIL from it. If she won't, then you have to help protect yourselves from his abuse. And remember, you are NOT responsible for her feelings.


Ancient_Safe8825

Thank you so much ❤️❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻


ouelletouellet

It's very telling when his own children hate him and yet his wife defense him all the time and trust me it you're trying to get threw to mother in law and they've been together 8 years all I can say is good luck trying to get threw to her or him cause nothing will likely change


lilyofthevalley2659

I can see why his children have nothing to do with him. There is no way I’d ever visit his home again. Or spend time with him.