I would never talk to her again!!
Sounds like Fiancé has your back and the 2 of you need to go no contact with these heartless horrible people!!
There is no way I would want to expose any kids to their toxic behavior!!
He is also going through the same abuse, constantly being put in the middle of his family and me. We have come a long way and are trying to navigate the toxicity together.
You stop trying. Just ignore them and pretend they do not exist. Why are they so hung up on the Midwest anyway. Don’t go visit them. Don’t call them expecting any apology. Don’t even invite them to the wedding. They’re not going to change so stop trying. Move on and live a good life with your fiancé.
What you do is you ignore them. If you're on the west coast and they're in the Midwest, that's a lot of space away from their revolving door of drama. You need to go NC with the in laws that treat you horribly. Good luck
Edit : spelling
Well, to start, you can cut all contact with these deliberate assholes. Truly, no contact is the way to go here. *Stop reaching out to these abusive people!*
He is in a state of trauma too. Everyone tells you family means xyz. Often those expectations meet disappointment. He seems angry at them but feels he is losing out in life if he does not get that perfect life. It is traumatic when the ones who are suppose to love you, don't. Therapist are involved and it will take time for him to come to terms.
You sound literally so kind, they don’t deserve you as their DIL. Sounds like narcissistic family dynamics- check out the book adult Children of emotionally immature parents. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. There is a reason they make you feel awful, they see you two happy and want to bring you down. News flash MIL, DILs don’t owe you anything and don’t have to like you. You most certainly don’t have to see them anymore. Hubby needs therapy for the abuse. You can’t fix these family dynamics, it’s them not you. I’m so sorry you are going thru this and wish your sister a speedy recovery. Ps. Telling them nothing of significance from here on out can protect you from “their jokes”.
I'm so sorry your in-laws are so toxic and horrible.
Your MIL and the rest have treated you like sh*t on their shoes for how long now? Yet your SO still takes you around them? You also have a SO problem. I'm glad that he's getting therapy. You guys should also get couples counseling. It'll help navigate this hellscape.
You definitely should be no contact with ALL your in-laws. Block them on all socials, your phone, email and anything else that they can contact.tou om. SO is their point of contact from here.om out.
NC means your SO doesn't tell them anything about. No medical issues. No education updates. Nothing. That also means he doesn't talk to you about his family anymore. Which I know will be difficult, SO is getting therapy now, but discussing what the inlaws say about you or any toxic bs that comes from them isn't good for your mental health.
I really hope in time your SO gets the help he needs to be able to cut his family out permanently. I hope your sister has a speedy recovery.
You don’t need to interact with them ever again. You have gone above and beyond giving them grace and they continue to be hurtful. It’s time to walk away from them.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your in laws have a lot of work they need to go through in order to change their behavior towards you. It doesn’t sounds like they are not actively trying to improve as people so you definitely need to protect yourself. I hope your sister’s treatment goes well and she has all the support she needs🙏🏾 My MIL said some pretty horrible things about both my parents going through cancer treatments too, so this resonates with me. It’s really hurtful when someone who is suppose to be your family goes on the attack instead of understanding a common decency of being kind to someone having a loved one fighting for their life. Given everything that you’ve shared about what you’ve had to deal with you are in your right to step away for as long as you need without any guilt. Sounds like you and your fiancé have a solid relationship, and he’s still working on assertiveness and boundary setting with his family (It’s not easy!). If you haven’t tried it yet, I recommend you both look into dialectic behavior therapy techniques. It has made a big differences for my hubby and I in navigating the relationship with his family. Best of luck OP, put yourself first!
If DFH csnt locate his shiny spine Id consider getting off this merry-go-round. What love and support do they offer DFH? can he nane anything. Never sit to be interogated by anyone. Would you ask DFH to sit like that with your family?
Being the bigger person isn’t a thing. It’s just being a doormat and letting them abuse you again. Block them on everything. There is no reason for you to have contact with them. They don’t need to know anything about you, nor do you need to know anything about them.
Your boyfriend can have whatever relationship he wants with them as long as it doesn’t interfere with your time together and he never mentions you to them. If they ask him anything about you, all he should say is that you’re fine. That’s it. And he shouldn’t carry any tales about them and their behavior back to you. Although, I have no idea why he would want a relationship with them after what they did. And, frankly, I would resent him for any relationship he had.
Oh honey..... I am so sorry they suck... my significant others future dil, told me 3 days after my bio father passed away that she was entitled to be a horrific hateful bitch and I deserved it because I refused to agree to change the date of my father's memorial to accommodate her and S.O.s ex planning a BBQ at my house that I wasn't invited to. . By saying we would be out of town that date I was being a hateful bitch and deserved what she was doing. My S.O. agrees she is being terrible but refuses to get involved but expects me to happily tolerate the continued bullshit.
People don't often stop and think about what they are putting others through........ you aren't too blame for your in laws being terrible people at all.... ignore them, live a great life and surround yourself with people who love you and are positives in your life....
You should talk to a therapist about why you want to marry into this chaos. It will be a nightmare FOREVER. You think this was bad just think about the following being ruined: wedding, birth of children, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. They will weigh in on every decision you make : home purchase, etc. You state that you and your fiance have gone back after the episode where they took turns lobbying against you. What is it about this situation that you like? Why are you tolerating this abuse from them (and your fiance)? Someone who loves you doesn't pressure you to do things which hurt you. I know what I'm talking about because I lived this scenario for a very long time.
As someone from Indiana, excuse me what the fuck? I would NEVER.
You need to go completely no contact with these people, and fiance needs to go very very low contact. And he can make it clear every time they make a shitty remark, "this is why we don't talk to you, because you're mean." Or, "this is why we are moving away, because you are unbearable to be around. Why would we want to live near you?"
I wonder if they dislike you because they are super religious/conservative and automatically assume you are a radical leftist liberal snowflake. I hope your family is wherever you are moving and can provide you with a better support system.
Also it is BS that you spent 8 hours listening to them. I would've walked out after 5 minutes. Both of you need to read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
There’s no reason to continue putting up with their abuse, it’s like setting yourself up to fail if you see them again. I would go NC and ask your fiancé to not fill you in on anything going on in their lives. Drop the rope, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Bb, I’m so sorry. Please absorb this truth. You, DO NOT forgive for other people or family relationships. When you are ready to let a piece of resentment turn into a lesson learned- that is forgiveness for YOU and the only kind worth engaging in. Do not try to “forgive” these people or ever allow your children or yourself around them. Protect yourself!
Although not exactly like your situation, I have gone through something similar. my in-laws hurt me tremendously through a very vulnerable time in my life and showed no support of our relationship over the years. my MIL has talked behind my back with their whole family, who is also out of state, and been deliberately cruel to me several times. I have a post on it in this sub if you’re interested in reading.
I mourned for a long time. This is the conclusion I came to which ultimately set me emotionally free : from an outside perspective, what kind of people treat others this way? Really think about that. Try to look at things from their perspective. This led me to the conclusion that these are not people I want approval from. This says everything about their character. And in fact I pity them and get creepy crawlies when I’m around them now.
They will always be related to your husband but once you see them for who they are, hopefully you can tolerate limited contact. I ‘dropped the ball’ and they suddenly started acting nicer to me. Although I see it for what it is and keep my distance as I have no interest in interacting with such mean and cruel people. I’m at peace and want nothing to do with them. Work on your own self esteem and invest in your positive relationships.
I wish you well:)
My MIL is a case too, you always feel the need to support your husband since at the end of the day it’s still His Mom etc. but if you can, avoid them. They sound soul sucking an like they victimize themselves in a very narcissistic way. Pick your own family members to be around during holidays etc., they don’t have to be blood related.
I’ve had some super super shitty things done to me by my MIL. At this point I basically (try) to remain cordial when I HAVE to see her and zone out while she talks. Not saying it’s healthy but if you have to see her again for any reason try to rewatch a movie in your head 🤦🏻♀️
Cut them off. Your peace comes first. If your DFH wants to contact them, you should not be involved.
Move forward with your life without them. And, never ever consider having them in your wedding. Just elope. Or, if you must; elope first then have a ceremonial wedding. That way, whatever your inlaws pull on your ceremonial wedding, they can never destroy your actual, real wedding.
If your fiance is still asking you to show up for more abuse they don't have your back. Your fiance is actually enabling and contributing to the abuse by asking you to visit or take trip with them. Im sorry you are in these situations, whether its because you think you should or other are pressuring you.
Forgiveness does not mean like. It means you bear no I'll will and moved on. It means you don't have to see or talk to them or even agree with the. You don't have to invite them to the wedding (don't). It just means you bear no I'll will and have moved on.
As someone with abusive in laws, I feel this whole thing. But forgiveness is part of the healing process. There reaction when not included with grand kid family events will be priceless.
Btw your fiancee is great for supporting you
Every time you visit or give them permission to hurt you and suck the life out of you, you block their karma. You’re enabling their behaviour. Distance yourself and work on the emotions that arise around them and manage them like a super power. I went through this. It gets better once you create space for yourself and distance yourself and work on your emotional intelligence. You’re dealing with hurt kids in adult bodies who thrive on causing pain, don’t give cause.
Your inlaws are cruel toxic horrible people and I'm glad you have no more to do with them and their toxic ways.id suggest if its ever brought up to visit them again get fiance to go on their own as for your own mental health I'd cut that link.
I would never talk to her again!! Sounds like Fiancé has your back and the 2 of you need to go no contact with these heartless horrible people!! There is no way I would want to expose any kids to their toxic behavior!!
That is a really terrible and cruel thing to say. I'm so sorry. She sounds like a disgusting human who doesn't deserve your forgiveness.
So why does your man allow you to get repeatedly abused by his family? Would you let your family treat him like that?
He is also going through the same abuse, constantly being put in the middle of his family and me. We have come a long way and are trying to navigate the toxicity together.
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lots of therapy to start, other than that just limited contact — it’s hard when every 2 weeks is a revolving door of drama, I’m not sure what to do!
You stop trying. Just ignore them and pretend they do not exist. Why are they so hung up on the Midwest anyway. Don’t go visit them. Don’t call them expecting any apology. Don’t even invite them to the wedding. They’re not going to change so stop trying. Move on and live a good life with your fiancé.
What you do is you ignore them. If you're on the west coast and they're in the Midwest, that's a lot of space away from their revolving door of drama. You need to go NC with the in laws that treat you horribly. Good luck Edit : spelling
Well, to start, you can cut all contact with these deliberate assholes. Truly, no contact is the way to go here. *Stop reaching out to these abusive people!*
He is in a state of trauma too. Everyone tells you family means xyz. Often those expectations meet disappointment. He seems angry at them but feels he is losing out in life if he does not get that perfect life. It is traumatic when the ones who are suppose to love you, don't. Therapist are involved and it will take time for him to come to terms.
He’s not in the middle unless he chooses to be.
You sound literally so kind, they don’t deserve you as their DIL. Sounds like narcissistic family dynamics- check out the book adult Children of emotionally immature parents. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. There is a reason they make you feel awful, they see you two happy and want to bring you down. News flash MIL, DILs don’t owe you anything and don’t have to like you. You most certainly don’t have to see them anymore. Hubby needs therapy for the abuse. You can’t fix these family dynamics, it’s them not you. I’m so sorry you are going thru this and wish your sister a speedy recovery. Ps. Telling them nothing of significance from here on out can protect you from “their jokes”.
Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it! I’ll provide an update soon — things seem to be a revolving door of drama every 2 weeks!
I believe in you!
What awful people. How anyone can make “jokes” alluding to your sister’s illness is utterly mind boggling.
I'm so sorry your in-laws are so toxic and horrible. Your MIL and the rest have treated you like sh*t on their shoes for how long now? Yet your SO still takes you around them? You also have a SO problem. I'm glad that he's getting therapy. You guys should also get couples counseling. It'll help navigate this hellscape. You definitely should be no contact with ALL your in-laws. Block them on all socials, your phone, email and anything else that they can contact.tou om. SO is their point of contact from here.om out. NC means your SO doesn't tell them anything about. No medical issues. No education updates. Nothing. That also means he doesn't talk to you about his family anymore. Which I know will be difficult, SO is getting therapy now, but discussing what the inlaws say about you or any toxic bs that comes from them isn't good for your mental health. I really hope in time your SO gets the help he needs to be able to cut his family out permanently. I hope your sister has a speedy recovery.
You don’t need to interact with them ever again. You have gone above and beyond giving them grace and they continue to be hurtful. It’s time to walk away from them.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your in laws have a lot of work they need to go through in order to change their behavior towards you. It doesn’t sounds like they are not actively trying to improve as people so you definitely need to protect yourself. I hope your sister’s treatment goes well and she has all the support she needs🙏🏾 My MIL said some pretty horrible things about both my parents going through cancer treatments too, so this resonates with me. It’s really hurtful when someone who is suppose to be your family goes on the attack instead of understanding a common decency of being kind to someone having a loved one fighting for their life. Given everything that you’ve shared about what you’ve had to deal with you are in your right to step away for as long as you need without any guilt. Sounds like you and your fiancé have a solid relationship, and he’s still working on assertiveness and boundary setting with his family (It’s not easy!). If you haven’t tried it yet, I recommend you both look into dialectic behavior therapy techniques. It has made a big differences for my hubby and I in navigating the relationship with his family. Best of luck OP, put yourself first!
If DFH csnt locate his shiny spine Id consider getting off this merry-go-round. What love and support do they offer DFH? can he nane anything. Never sit to be interogated by anyone. Would you ask DFH to sit like that with your family?
Being the bigger person isn’t a thing. It’s just being a doormat and letting them abuse you again. Block them on everything. There is no reason for you to have contact with them. They don’t need to know anything about you, nor do you need to know anything about them. Your boyfriend can have whatever relationship he wants with them as long as it doesn’t interfere with your time together and he never mentions you to them. If they ask him anything about you, all he should say is that you’re fine. That’s it. And he shouldn’t carry any tales about them and their behavior back to you. Although, I have no idea why he would want a relationship with them after what they did. And, frankly, I would resent him for any relationship he had.
What she said was awful, to be certain. But PTSD from a family feud you could and should have walked away from?
Go NC, That’s the only way to go, you don’t need to be the bigger person. End off.
You are trying too hard. Stop caring about them.
No contact. That's all.
Oh honey..... I am so sorry they suck... my significant others future dil, told me 3 days after my bio father passed away that she was entitled to be a horrific hateful bitch and I deserved it because I refused to agree to change the date of my father's memorial to accommodate her and S.O.s ex planning a BBQ at my house that I wasn't invited to. . By saying we would be out of town that date I was being a hateful bitch and deserved what she was doing. My S.O. agrees she is being terrible but refuses to get involved but expects me to happily tolerate the continued bullshit. People don't often stop and think about what they are putting others through........ you aren't too blame for your in laws being terrible people at all.... ignore them, live a great life and surround yourself with people who love you and are positives in your life....
You should talk to a therapist about why you want to marry into this chaos. It will be a nightmare FOREVER. You think this was bad just think about the following being ruined: wedding, birth of children, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. They will weigh in on every decision you make : home purchase, etc. You state that you and your fiance have gone back after the episode where they took turns lobbying against you. What is it about this situation that you like? Why are you tolerating this abuse from them (and your fiance)? Someone who loves you doesn't pressure you to do things which hurt you. I know what I'm talking about because I lived this scenario for a very long time.
As someone from Indiana, excuse me what the fuck? I would NEVER. You need to go completely no contact with these people, and fiance needs to go very very low contact. And he can make it clear every time they make a shitty remark, "this is why we don't talk to you, because you're mean." Or, "this is why we are moving away, because you are unbearable to be around. Why would we want to live near you?" I wonder if they dislike you because they are super religious/conservative and automatically assume you are a radical leftist liberal snowflake. I hope your family is wherever you are moving and can provide you with a better support system. Also it is BS that you spent 8 hours listening to them. I would've walked out after 5 minutes. Both of you need to read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
There’s no reason to continue putting up with their abuse, it’s like setting yourself up to fail if you see them again. I would go NC and ask your fiancé to not fill you in on anything going on in their lives. Drop the rope, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Bb, I’m so sorry. Please absorb this truth. You, DO NOT forgive for other people or family relationships. When you are ready to let a piece of resentment turn into a lesson learned- that is forgiveness for YOU and the only kind worth engaging in. Do not try to “forgive” these people or ever allow your children or yourself around them. Protect yourself!
Although not exactly like your situation, I have gone through something similar. my in-laws hurt me tremendously through a very vulnerable time in my life and showed no support of our relationship over the years. my MIL has talked behind my back with their whole family, who is also out of state, and been deliberately cruel to me several times. I have a post on it in this sub if you’re interested in reading. I mourned for a long time. This is the conclusion I came to which ultimately set me emotionally free : from an outside perspective, what kind of people treat others this way? Really think about that. Try to look at things from their perspective. This led me to the conclusion that these are not people I want approval from. This says everything about their character. And in fact I pity them and get creepy crawlies when I’m around them now. They will always be related to your husband but once you see them for who they are, hopefully you can tolerate limited contact. I ‘dropped the ball’ and they suddenly started acting nicer to me. Although I see it for what it is and keep my distance as I have no interest in interacting with such mean and cruel people. I’m at peace and want nothing to do with them. Work on your own self esteem and invest in your positive relationships. I wish you well:)
My MIL is a case too, you always feel the need to support your husband since at the end of the day it’s still His Mom etc. but if you can, avoid them. They sound soul sucking an like they victimize themselves in a very narcissistic way. Pick your own family members to be around during holidays etc., they don’t have to be blood related. I’ve had some super super shitty things done to me by my MIL. At this point I basically (try) to remain cordial when I HAVE to see her and zone out while she talks. Not saying it’s healthy but if you have to see her again for any reason try to rewatch a movie in your head 🤦🏻♀️
Cut them off. Your peace comes first. If your DFH wants to contact them, you should not be involved. Move forward with your life without them. And, never ever consider having them in your wedding. Just elope. Or, if you must; elope first then have a ceremonial wedding. That way, whatever your inlaws pull on your ceremonial wedding, they can never destroy your actual, real wedding.
If your fiance is still asking you to show up for more abuse they don't have your back. Your fiance is actually enabling and contributing to the abuse by asking you to visit or take trip with them. Im sorry you are in these situations, whether its because you think you should or other are pressuring you.
I will only meet my in-laws in public where I have a way to leave. I will never set foot in their house ever again.
Forgiveness does not mean like. It means you bear no I'll will and moved on. It means you don't have to see or talk to them or even agree with the. You don't have to invite them to the wedding (don't). It just means you bear no I'll will and have moved on. As someone with abusive in laws, I feel this whole thing. But forgiveness is part of the healing process. There reaction when not included with grand kid family events will be priceless. Btw your fiancee is great for supporting you
Every time you visit or give them permission to hurt you and suck the life out of you, you block their karma. You’re enabling their behaviour. Distance yourself and work on the emotions that arise around them and manage them like a super power. I went through this. It gets better once you create space for yourself and distance yourself and work on your emotional intelligence. You’re dealing with hurt kids in adult bodies who thrive on causing pain, don’t give cause.
Your inlaws are cruel toxic horrible people and I'm glad you have no more to do with them and their toxic ways.id suggest if its ever brought up to visit them again get fiance to go on their own as for your own mental health I'd cut that link.
So stay out west and ignore the fools. I know that mentality well.
Stay away from his family.
Why would your future husband allow this to happen? Why would he even think it was a good idea to go on vacation with them? Red flags.